The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 282: Day of Our Lord

Episode Date: April 4, 2016

This week on Round Table: a convicted sex offender is killed by a runaway truck while looking at pornography on his phone, an Easter egg hunt at the Pez factory turns bloody, and a cat spends two weeks in the mail, and survives. Joining us today: Henry Zebrowski!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Happy Easter, everyone. I'm gonna put it this way. If I were to be in Israel right now, and I saw a giant boulder

next to a mountain slowly move, and out comes a stinky, weathered, beaten, pierced, screaming zombie out of the cave, I would shoot it in the fucking head.

Well, you know what? I would start writing it down. Yeah. Write down what happened. Scrolls. Scroll it. Scrolls. I'd say hammer.

That would be a great idea. You know what's also a good thing to kill fucking Jesus with? A chisel. So, Jesus Christ, I hope that if we could get back in a time machine, I'm gonna talk to Doc Brown, we're gonna go back in time,

and we're gonna fucking kill you dead and send you to hell. It's not like Jesus said molested children. Oh, but he certainly didn't say not do it. He should've clarified it. He should've said hey, hey, hey, hey, guys, hey, hey, hey. An 11th commandment.

Thou shalt not molest. That should be definitely a commandment. Moses fucked his daughters. They would marry at 12. Moses fucked his daughters. Noah fucked his daughters, but that was not his fault. They got him drunk and raped him. Two nights in a row they did that.

There was slip pickings. The whole world was just wiped out. Exactly, and you got two fucking ample bosomed apple bottom daughters just covered in fucking grape juice. Of course you're going to fucking love them. Why are they covered in grape juice? Because he poured it on them. Yeah.

He's the one. No, no, no. He didn't want to fuck them. They actually got him drunk and date raped him. Yeah. Two nights in a row. And I've heard that happens with a lot of little girls. All right. So is your prayer done, a lot of little girls. All right.

So is your prayer done? Amen. Okay. All right. So this is the round table. Happy Easter. If you are a Christian celebrating on this wonderful day, congratulations. Drinking the blood as we praise him.

You did go to an evangelical church today. Black women sang it up. I was into it, dude. And I could just see you just clapping hands and being like, go, an evangelical church today. The black women sang it up. I was into it, dude. And I could just see you just clapping hands and being like, go, go with the rhythm. Go with the rhyme. You got to get the elbows into it. You got to bring the elbows all the way back. Was it good music?

Yeah, actually. They had some black women there belting it out. Why do you say it like that? You got to be black. How else would you say black women? Black. Black women. All of would you say black women? Black. Black women. All of you guys say it wrong.

It's always good to make the word black last five seconds. Black. Women I enjoy. Yeah, well, of course. Black women. All right, all right. So this is the round table of gentlemen. This is the podcast that you have to drink to.

So open up a beer and get drunk. Jackie, you're here. How are you? beer and get drunk. Jackie, you're here. How are you? I'm doing great. Henry, close your ears. I got to say, for the first time in my life, I can't believe I've never done it. Please. You know, he comes in my mouth and I said,

Doug has come. Doug has risen. Doug will come again. It is Easter. And it was after midnight And I was so proud of myself Easter eggs in the pussy Yeah actually all of us should have closed our ears for that one

I am disgusted I just can't believe I've never said it before Right after the goosh Isn't that interesting I bet Doug's a real peaceful comer No Oh Oh Interesting. I bet Doug's a real peaceful comer. No. Oh, oh, oh.

All right, I'm done. You were walking in there. Ay, ay, ay. It's a lot of that, yeah. It's a lot of Hispanic terms. Piñata, piñata. Arriba, arriba. Well, congratulations, Jackie. I just had to share it.

I'm really proud of myself. I'm proud of you. I wanted to tweet it out, but his father reads my tweets. His father also Instagrams a lot of pictures of women with their nipples visible. Women with their nipples. Oh, they're women with their nipples. Always tempting. Oh, I have to hit the like button now because the nipples be seen.

Is his father a cartoon Mexican mouse? Yes. All right. Eddie, you're here. I'm pretty sure Bill listens to the show also. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. He does. Bill's been on the show.

A couple times. Yeah. That's Doug's dad. Well, either way, thanks for sharing your story. You got it, guys. I'm so proud. I'm Ed Larson, and when I come, I scream. That's very good.

High pitch, low pitch. Ha! Ha! Oh, good. Like you're being attacked by birds I twirl it around to try to get a jump rope look yeah yeah yeah um Holdenators welcome back to your playstation

network I hate that you went to church today. It's a shout out from PlayStation's network. It might be. The bit's over. It's canceled. I'm going to crack you in the mouth. Shout out.

It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done.

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It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done.

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It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. It's done. It Planet Dater, a poop-licking turd burglar, and Persnickety shoutouts to Ed for loving PlayStation messages so much. And GreedyPete6900 sent a ball pick. Persnickety said shoutouts to Ed for loving PlayStation messages so much.

Fuck Persnickety. Fuck Persnickety. There you go. That's your PlayStation shoutouts. I went to church today. I drank the blood. Whoa! Did you drink communion?

I had so much blood. But you're not a Christian You can't take the communion You had about a quarter of Jesus of blood there I'll tell you what I'm done I was getting rowdy with that blood No thank you, I brought my own Yeah but did you have to eat

The papy wafy? We got the little bread crumb And we dipped it in the blood And then I drank more of the blood And and they were like, enough of the blood. And I said, more blood. More fucking blood. They didn't like cursing there. No, they don't, but they have no problem eating flesh, what they believe to be flesh, and then blood, of course.

Totally fine with it. Yeah, I mean, they really believe that the body, the bread turns into human Jesus flesh. the bread turns into human Jesus flesh. All I could think about while I was in that building was coming here and talking about it and just how weird it is to be surrounded by Last Podcast on the Left essentially right now and be like, I was at your enemies. And Evan Jackie.

Hail Satan. I do not. Well, I'm just saying because they're all Mr. Yeah, but I love it. The horns and the dead. They're always like, yay, Satan's my bestie. When I hear the term church, I think of the sound of two priests 69ing each other. Well, I don't know what that sound would be.

Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga. One day I'm going to go to church and I'm just going to go boo. I'm just going to get there. You're going to boo them. Boo! Stew? Stew from NBC's A to Z. Yeah, it is me. Thursday's 8 o'clock on NBC.

It is going well. Stu is hard. It's in the episode Double B. My best friend Andrew gets his dick cut off and he gets turned into a fucking brat. Oh, man. Well, check out that. It's gets turned into a fucking brat. Oh, man. Well, check out that. It's going to be a good episode. Very graphic.

Is it on Netflix? Is A to Z on Netflix yet? Nope. Will it be? No. No. Will it be forgotten? Yep.

But you got picked up in Europe, right? Yes, I did, and I got a check showed up. You got a fun money check, and if you haven't gotten free money from Henry yet, ask him for it, because he's giving it away. I love to give it. I'm like the bank, but less Jew. He says he's going to buy me a new cowboy hat. Yeah.

That's true. He should. He should buy everybody something. I was pretty drunk when I promised that. Yeah. I think we have to edit out his bank line, Marcus. What, bank but less Jew? What's wrong with that?

It's Easter. I don't think you can say that. We hate the Jews on Easter. No, that's not true. No, the Italians killed Jesus. Moving on. Those greasy fuckers. Oh, say what you want about the Italians.

None of their restaurants are open. They're all closed for the day. What are they fucking doing? Greek people are bad with money. Oh, man. I don't think that's true. Is that Greek? Yeah, there is.

Oh, yeah. Greece is falling apart. I wish the Italians weren't white. Well, I think they add a lot of diversity to the race. I think they're white. They add a nice kind of brown eyebrow shade to the white. Beautiful people. Put them on an island.

We did. They did Sicily. I know, but there's still some of shade to the white. Put them on an island. We did. There's still some of them touching the mainland. I don't think so, Ed. Take their boats away. They're the king of the gondola. You're taking the gondola away from the ones who brought it about? I don't think the Sicilians are the kings of the gondola.

Yes, they are. Venice is the king of the gondola. You imposter. Oh, no, it Venice. Venice is the king of the con. You imposter. Solo jewel. Oh, no. It's a me. It's a holiday. I suck up my own dick.

Hell of an impression, Henry. Thank you. Characters on Netflix. Yeah. This is definitely going to. I'm still getting hired. Yep. Proving all the critics wrong.

Yep. That's right. Yeah, watch the Netflix special, The Characters. Everyone really loved it. At no point did the internet pan it. It's not the Batman versus Superman of Netflix special. No, it's actually very good. All right, so Marcus, you're here.

We do have news stories. We talk about those. Yeah, a sex offender who was watching pornography on his phone while walking down the sidewalk was killed by a runaway trailer. Good. Sure. WMCTV. I don't know what it is.

So he was looking at the porn on the cell phone. I can't do that. He was walking down the street watching porn on the cell phone. WMCTV reported that 55-year-old Kevin Jordan was killed in the freak accident Wednesday in Memphis, Tennessee. It happened after a 15-foot trailer hauling tires came unhinged after the truck it was on hit a bump in the road. The trailer hit Jordan, killing him instantly. Jordan had a lengthy criminal history, including five separate rape charges for which he served time prison in the early 1990s. five separate rape charges for which he served time in prison

in the early 1990s. Jordan was arrested just last year for indecent exposure, but his fiancé, Connie Harris... What? I don't get it. Oh my god. He was very charming. But this is a great fate for this man. What a demise getting hit by a...

Technically, he died like Wile E. Coyote if Wile E. Coyote was a fucking convicted pedophile and rapist. Why do you ever know? Yep. His fiance, Connie Harris, said he had turned

his life around and did not deserve to die this way. She said, he had his life in order. It's a big loss. I love him. I still love him.

Jesus Christ, Connie. Can I ask a real question, though? So, do you think that him watching, he was watching adult porn, right? He was watching pornography. He's got a sex addiction, Connie. Can I ask a real question, though? So do you think that him watching... He was watching adult porn, right? He was watching pornography. And as far as we... Yeah, and he doesn't...

His charges were not for pedophilia. He was just a rapist. Cool. Yeah, it's just regular rape. It's terrible, yeah. You know what? It's strange when you have to say, great.

That's great. But it's not... It's not good. He was obviously hiding it from his fiance, walking down the street watching fucking porn. But is it better

that he was constantly watching porn everywhere he went? No, it's like those guys that you ever sat next to a guy on the bus watching porn? No. They'll do it.

No. You attract them, though. I think it's actually good that he was watching it because he was getting it out or was he miming him? Was he like fucking stuffing the musket like you would with a revolutionary rifle

and ready to fucking rape again? I think that the science is in when it comes to porn it does not stop sexual deviancy as a matter of fact it increases it. No, that's not true. That is true. That can't be true.

No, Marcus, I am telling you your idea He had a check with a police officer. No, Marcus, I am telling you, your idea He had a check with a police officer. Yep, yep. I googled it. You can google it. There's a new study that came out. Porno increases sexual deviance. Oh, give me a break. It does! I've got other studies that say the exact same

thing. Just because your study is new doesn't mean it's right. You can find my study at Ben Kissel backslash Kissel Studies and I wrote it. I don't use Google. I only use Ask Jeeves. Can I still find the information that way? The problem with Ask Jeeves is being like, why don't you just come by the mansion

and I'll show you how I do it. Oh, bit of a shit and getting horny, is he? Who are you testing your studies on? No one. I would love that every time you ask Jeeves, it turns out that Jeeves is just a horny old man trapped in a computer.

I think that was the whole point of the website. Oh, yeah. Mr. Jeeves, can I ask you, when was Bobby Bonilla on the New York Mets? Never tell. What did you get under my trundle, B? He's the coy Google. Fancy a bit of Spanish fly?

What? Oh, my goodness. Marcus, is Ask Jeeves still live? It's ask.com now. Oh, it is? Yeah. Yeah, because they had to fire Jeeves because Jeeves is now a known sex offender. All right.

Yeah. Right now, if you go to ask.com, it says, question of the day, what happens to Easter eggs in Germany? What happens? They're fucking brought to the oven. No, that's not true. You boil eggs. Over easy.

Bad with money, those sticky Germans. The original Easter bunny was actually an Easter hare. It's still a rabbit. Same thing. No, it's different. No, rabbits. When I was a kid, I watched a rabbit rape a kitten.

Did you show up at a place at a specified time and they'd see the rabbit rape them? No, we were selling them and we put them in the same cage. It was a garage sale when I was a kid. You were selling for a garage sale? I thought you usually sell paintings or a random couch. I don't even know where they came from.

All right. F or a random couch. I don't even know where they came from. All right. All right. Fancy a shark. In Germany. Get out of here, Jeeves. I'm always hiding in the floorboards here. Get out of here.

I have to agree with Henry. Get out of here, Jeeves. All right. I'm leaving. Wait a second. You're just making feet step noises and door noises. Jeeves, you show yourself. Oh no, who is that there? It's me.

Slow talking Morris. Oh my fucking god. I miss slow talking Morris. Oh, I miss you, dude. Is this from before? No, he's never done slow talking Morris. No, no, no. He's done slow talking.

Oh, I've done slow talking. I mean, I'm... I'd rather have Jeeves back. He's been. No, I like slow talking Morris. I'm a fan of slow talking Morris. It would be nice. It's getting to my corn.

It's out of the way. Shh, shh, shh. Jeeves, you're pretending to be somewhere. You're just making horror noises. Jeeves, I know it's you. Jeeves. I'm a motocross kind of thing. You're riding a lawnmower, Jeeves.

I'm fucking it, too. Oh, my goodness. You know what? I hated you and was afraid of you, but I have just made a complete 360 and I hate you again. Isn't that nice? All right, so the guy's dead. He's dead. And rightfully so, thank God.

Let's move on, Marcus. We have to remember, when we go over the news stories, we do have to remember that these people can't handle sexual things. That is true. What are you talking about? Why? What do you mean? We talked about it like adults. Yeah.

If you just hide it and you put it in the dark, that's what makes you a deviant. Exactly. And that is the power of Lucifer. Even on this day of Easter, Luciferian light, the light of wisdom, of knowledge, reigns supreme. And speaking of Easter, let us do an Easter story. What happens to Easter eggs in Germany, Marcus? They put them in trees. Okay.

Oh. Yeah. Back in the nest. They decorate. I actually got a picture from my aunt in Uruguay of a cat with the eggs in the tree. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. They call it like Osterbaum.

Isn't that fun? Which translates to Easter egg tree. That's boring. Well, you know where to find them. Get some down. My ass, Jeeves, and that's the answer I got. I guess they're all as tall as you. By the way got I fucking hate

Easter egg hunting just give me something let's get to this story for Easter egg hunt trampling, trauma stolen eggs and broken Easter baskets these were some of the scenes attendees said at an annual egg hunt

hosted Saturday at the Pez Visitor Center in Connecticut. You love Pez. I do, and this saddens me. Pez staff said the mess was created after some among the 1,000 attendees ignored instructions on participating in the hunt. It was not Pez's fault.

The hunt covered three fields with almost 10,000 eggs hidden throughout and staggered start times planned for different age groups. Of course, you give the little kids more time than you give to the older kids. I disagree with that. Unfortunately, people chose to enter the first field prior to anyone from the PES staff starting the activity.

The crowd moved to the second field, waited for only a couple of minutes, and proceeded to rush the field without being directed to do so, and before the posted starting time due to the actions I like it. It's those frustrating rock and rollers from the rock group Kiss. You want to be a winner, kid? Go get some fucking eggs. Go get some eggs. I like the people who got the eggs first. Go fight for the

eggs if you want them. Jennifer Barden-Moore wrote on the Facebook wall of the Pez company. She said, my grandson ended up with a bloody from an adult in the 9 to 12 year old section knocking into him.

Where was Pez personnel? They got a Bloody Mary? They give him a Bloody Mary? They just said he ended up with a bloody from an adult. What? What's a bloody from an adult? I think she forgot a word. It's a scary word to leave out. Yeah, because we have to make some big difference on what's bloody.

I guess it's nose, but it could be butt. I was going to say nose. Okay, let's not pivot. And if it's butt, then Jeeves and his droogies were the one doing the whole affair. Oh, did I get you popping your billows? Did your billows get a little pop from me? If you keep saying popping the billows, that doesn't make it less horrible what you're doing. It doesn't make it more innocent if you use old-timey British terms, James.

What is a billow? I don't know what a billow is, but ladies and gentlemen, proud to announce, Holden is slightly less unattractive. He lost 23 pounds. From when? From, um... Why do you refuse to compliment the man? He's been so fat and so out of shape for the majority of your friendship.

I got big, and then I'm smallening myself. And, you know, I want to thank me. I want to thank myself for pulling through, you know? Yeah, it's like you made a turn today. Yes, I think it happened, and you know who I want to thank? Jesus Christ? Jesus Christ, our savior. Praise my Jesus.

You're welcome there, Doc Holden. I'm so glad that you've lost your weight. And the one thing I must say is why did no one stop the priest? Oh, my God. Jesus is with us. Why did nobody stop the priest? I'm not fucking cool with it. Jesus.

I'm Darian? Yeah. I have to ask, Yeah, I have to ask. What were you doing for three days? Why didn't you just come back, like, after day one? I gotta tell you, 33 years of living with my mother, I finally had some chance to give myself a fucking jerk. All right. He's jerking off.

He's jerking off. He's jerking off. That's what Jesus is doing. I guess what I got is these little holes in my hands. The best part about this is that when I use the holes, when I hum, I make little bubble webs. Between my fingers, I look like frog. At no point have we not pivoted into sex at some point. That's fine.

I fucking punched his pilot over here. You punched his pilot? I fucked his fucking goblin. Oh, no. I did the wrong. I fucked your wake up, you cuck sucker. You mother. All right. Punch his no. I did the wrong. Why the fuck did you wake up, you cocksucker? Oh, no, no, no. You mother...

All right. Conscious pilot, do you feel guilty for killing Christ? I'll fucking kill him again, that piece of shit. You think you can fucking get off my nails? I know you never felt guilty because you were laughing the whole time you were fucking nailing me in. Like I'm a fucking screaming piece of art. Oh, my God. I'll make your fucking pizza pie out of you.

All right. That's massive shit here. I'm a jocky cabber.. Oh my God, I'm making a fucking pizza pie out of you. All right, that's master shit theater. I'm a talking camel. Oh my God. I'm a talking camel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's completely natural for him to be a talking camel because God made him. And they gave these three men a Netflix spectrum. Unbelievable.

Master shit theater. This all started because I complimented Holden. See what happens? That's why you don't compliment him. You did it. I did do it. Alright, go away camel. Back to your stable. I'm back, guys. Welcome back.

What a crazy transformation. I was there, man. I saw the desert. I smelled that desert air. What did it smell like? Jizz. I mean, of course. I knew he was going to say it. Fucking jackass.

I knew he was going to say it. Arid jizz. All right. That's more like what a janitor smells like because of all the ammonia. That's what it was. Jizz doesn't smell like ammonia. It does. Yeah, it does.

I don't think it does. No, why would it smell like ammonia? It's when it's, youiz doesn't smell like ammonia. It does. Yeah, it does. I don't think it does. No, why would it smell like ammonia? It's when it's, you know, turning into something else. Oh, yeah, you're jerking onto a sock or something. Chemical reactions. Oxygen plus semen equals ammonia. That's not true. So I'm not supposed to keep my cum shots and little shot glasses around my house?

No, you are supposed to do that. No, you turn them into candles. Put wicks on them. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put a little candle in it. Put thaticks on them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put a little candle in there. Put that up on Pinterest. That'll be nice.

Actually, they're kind of right. It says here on IncreaseSpermVolume.com someone is is it normal if sperm has a strong odor? Well, yeah. Odor is different than ammonia. Probably the most common smells that are associated with semen are swimming pools,

hospitals, cleaning chemicals, laundry rooms, and other similar things and places. Yes, semen is supposed to smell like chlorine and bleach. Mine smells like Starbucks. Yeah, mine smells like blueberry. Semen contains ammonia. It does? And other sterile-smelling alkaloids, and this is the reason why it smells like your store-bought cleanser.

So technically, if you're out of, like, bleach, you could just use your semen? No. I mean, probably. It's a form of soap. Streaky, I would imagine. Yeah. Huh.

All right, we learned something. That's why Jackie's so clean. Man, I am clean. Yeah. Huh. All right, we learned something. That's why Jackie's so clean. Man, I am clean. Oh, my God. Well, Jackie, I heard you and your boyfriend were doing some fun sexual things that you wanted to tell Henry about. I think we already talked about it. Oh, you did? Okay.

Squeaky clean. Squeaky. Squeaky. I got squeaky underarms. I got squeaky back of the knees. I've had sex. We love her wicked ways. Good God.

By the way, if your semen smells like fish, it's time to go to the doctor. I agree with that. Yeah, I bet so. If anything smells like fish that isn't a fish, go to the doctor. What about pussy? Yeah, vaginas can smell like fish and it's totally fine. Go to the doctor. Yeah, I shouldn't really smell like fish. Like a fish fish. It shouldn't feel like you pulled a

trout out of a lake and you're smelling like a goddamn rose. It should never feel like a fish. Well, no, if it's slimy, slimy's good. No, not scaly. Scaly. If you got flakes coming off in your mouth. What about gills so you can breathe underwater?

No, you don't want that. That's super cool. I'd totally be down for a woman who could breathe through the gills in her vagina. No, you wouldn't. I would be down for that totally. It wouldn't be a human being. It would definitely be a human being of some kind. But mermaids don't have vaginas. If it's got a human vagina, you can have sex with it.

Yeah. What if it's a mix? I don't know. What if it has a cat vagina and it's a cat? They have barbed vaginas. Yeah, they got evil, ugly, mean, hideous vaginas. They have barbed vaginas? I thought the penises of the cats were barbed.

I think they're both... They catch each other. No, the cat vagina is perfectly tight. Cats suck. Yeah. I yelled at cat vagina is perfectly tight. Cats suck. Yeah. I yelled at someone about this last night. I hate cats. Cats know they don't suck.

I don't like them, and I hate that the internet is so preoccupied with them because I don't like them. Dogs. You don't have a favorite cat. They're all shitty and mean. You're actually bad with animals. Animals don't like you. No, no, no.

Many worms love me. That's not an animal. I always find it weird when we went and had that one time we went out to the lake house and the worms were just jumping out of the soil and wrapping themselves around your cock. They love me. Yeah, nature's condom. They love me. Every time I lay down on some soil, they crawl up and I can almost hear them, they whisper

almost. Did you just call worms nations? What? Nature's condoms. He said he witnessed when they wrapped around me, my essence, my jewels. Yeah. His penis. Yes.

My gloriousness. I see. Praise him. They plug them. This is this new Christian Holden is like grosser than not Christian Holden. Jesus says love making is powerful and should happen on a near daily basis.

That is not true. Well, I mean, hey, tell me about it. I went 33 years for fucking nothing and the soonest thing I get to heaven, I see Marilyn Monroe and they say hey, don't fuck her. I'm like, fuck you, you fucking whore. I'm the king of all fucking kings. And so you know what I would do? I'd bend her over

fucking clouds and I'd have my fucking way with her. I thought you had sex with Mary Magdalene. Well, yeah, of course. But that doesn't count because she's a prostitute. You know, honestly, that is probably the level of misogyny Jesus had in his heart. Yeah, but he wasn't fucking baying her.

I think that he was. What, in scruples? I don't know if that's scruples. No, he wasn't paying her. He was just fucking her. She was a prostitute, but he was one with respect. He was getting the freebies. Jesus had multiple wives in the imaginary world where Jesus is real.

Right. But he did not exist as a person. He might have. He might have existed as a real. Right. But he did not exist as a person. He might have. He's an amalgam of many people. He might have existed as a person. Maybe. As a liar. He was technically like a guy

that was around that said funny things and then somebody fucking killed him. He was like David Blaine. He was a magician. Houdini type. He was like Criss Angel. Like a Houdini type. Right. Ooh, he was like Criss Angel. Yeah. Someone punched him in the stomach.

All right, Marcus, what do we got going on? Let's go for a cat story. Come on. We just talked about we. I know. You're going to like this because this cat got fucked up. Yeah. Okay.

By a human penis. Kick it. No. Nope. got fucked up. Yeah. By human penis? Kick it. No. A cat used up one of her nine lives when she miraculously survived eight days in the mail

after falling asleep in a cardboard box. I feel like the same thing's gonna happen to Ed. He's gonna wake up in Saudi Arabia on top of

a fucking box. He's inside of a giant car like you know they mail like Rolls Royces and shit like that up in Saudi Arabia on top of him. Oh, man. What kind of fucking box? He's inside of a giant car. You know how they mail Rolls Royces and shit like that? He's asleep on top. I was taking a nap in the car. I was taking a quick little nap right here. Oh, well, yeah. Leather seats.

It's better than what I got at home, which is just a wooden plank. That's what Ed sounds like to you? In my head. That is kind of what he sounds like. Cupcake, the Siamese cat had her own... Cupcake. We used to call you Cupcake, Marcus. Yeah, you used to call me Cupcake.

Yeah. Cupcake the Siamese cat had her owner, Julie Baggett, searching... Whoa. Careful with that. Fucking tag it. You're right. Careful. What does it rhyme with?

Baggett. Julie Baggett of England. He reminds me of Shaggett. Bob Shaggett? Oh, yeah. I love Bob? Baggett. Julie Baggett of England. He reminds me of Shaggett. Bob Shaggett? I love Bob Shaggett. The dog Bob Saggett. Yeah, the dog Bob Saggett. He's so funny.

Filthy dog. Yeah, yeah. And he's gay! And that's just fine. Bob Shaggett, the gay dog Bob Saggett is a wonderful performer. I'm so glad gay dogs can get married now. Yes, that is nice. Julie Baggett was searching high and low after Cupcake vanished from their home in Cornwall out in England.

After putting up posters and scouring the local area for the family pet after more than a week went by, she assumed that her cat was gone forever. Little did Baggett realize that she had actually... I'm sorry. It's just a name. I feel like a 12-year-old, though. I feel like I've turned into a 12-year-old today.

Christ. Little did Baggett realize him and his many, many vows. We've got to get back to Baggett. Little did Baggett realize, but she had actually mailed her beloved feline

260 miles away while packing up a box of DVDs to be sent. The inquisitive cupcake had apparently jumped in the box for a snooze. The shocked customers got more than they bargained for after they opened the package and Cupcake

emerged. Who watches DVDs anymore? English people. Oh, this is in England? Yeah. I still got all my DVDs. Ah, get rid of them. No way! Throw them away. No way! Cats are cute, though, because they're always unplugging stuff. Yeah.

I love things that unplug stuff. It's kind of cute to mail one, and then you open it up and you got a cat in it. That's what the Grove Lodge Veterinary Hospital said. They said on their Facebook post, they said, anyone who shares their life with a cat knows that cats love boxes.

They do. Large or small, put a box on the floor and it's not long before it is being thoroughly investigated by your feline friend who then assumes occupation despite your best efforts to reclaim your box for its intended purpose. I'm going to start I'm going to mail myself a cat. You can put

anything in the mail and get the package. What if the cat was committing suicide? No it wasn't. In a box of DVDs? Eight days trapped in that box. So we know you don't have to feed a cat for eight days and it'll still live. Or give it water. It's like a Dr. Mengele experiment with a cat.

Yeah, so if you leave town and you're like, oh, I want to stay a couple extra days, no problem. Cat will be fine. This is why people like cats. You got to take care of a dog, but you don't have to take care of a cat. Yeah, cats just kind of hang out. But that's why they suck, too. But it's also why you can live your life and you're not controlled by your pet. They're good pets for artists.

And people who live in apartments. And dickheads. Yeah. I don't like men who love cats. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Men who love cats are weird. You know you can throw a cat right in the middle of the ocean and it comes right back? Isn't that something?

It comes right back. It's like gravity. But it's like, in a a way almost like a boomerang where it literally doesn't even make it. It skips off the water and jumps back into your hands. You guys should try it. You can go to prison for that. No, no, maritime law.

Oh, is that right? Maritime law. You take a bird down to the middle of the Gulf of Mexico you can do whatever you want. That's maritime law? You can toss the cat out, you can fuck the cat, you can eat the cat, you can play with the cat, and then fuck it, eat it, kill it.

Anything's all legal. Your laws of the sea. Yeah, you can coke off the cat, you can do heroin off the cat, you can snort heroin off the cat, which is where it starts, but it'll always lead to needles. You can hollow out its belly and fucking use it as a pipe and smoke

weed through its mouth. Yeah. Or you could just take off all its skin and use it as a coat for a smaller cat. I don't think you can snort off of it, though. It's hairy. You can't snort off a hair. You don't know. You totally can't. You know what would be funny is to skin a cat with all

its meat and shit and then make it a coat for a bird? Yeah. Bird be pimping. Yeah. Bird. Bird to be bird, I guess. Yeah.

Peacock or something. Even if it's a tiny bird. Yeah, a little bird pimping. Big ass coat. He's the fucking bird of the town. Sort of like a Cat Williams. We should ask the chat what they would do with a cat skin. Yeah.

I mean, Joey Smith on the chat says, I'm glad you guys share my opinion on cats. Good. What, does he like cats or hate cats? He's got a cat hat. Yeah, he's got a cat coat. It'd be kind of fun if it was more of a tradition to snap cats at people like you would a towel.

Cat snap fever. Cat snap fever. I don't think anyone laughed enough at that. Cat snap fever, y'all. I think everyone laughed the at that. Cat Snap Fever, y'all. I think everyone laughed the appropriate amount. It is funnier than the average person. Yes. It's a good joke.

Absolutely. I think the audience laughed. Is it Snap Cat Fever? Would that be funnier? I say make a football out of one. Like they do with pigs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think their skin's too soft.

So you want gyms to just sort of have a bundle of cats? Yeah. And then so you go, do you dry yourself after the shower with the cat? You lay on the ground and kind of be like Selina Kyle from Batman Returns. And all the cats just kind of rub themselves all over you until you dry. Actually, that's kind of cute. It is a little bit. Yeah, that's the cutest thing you've ever said.

And then if you pop a bone, the gym is allowed to arrest you. Yeah, I would agree with that as well. And there's a jail in the gym. I see. So there's a gym jail. Yeah. But guess what? All the weightlifting you could ever want to do in that jail.

You're allowed to get three quarters hard. Okay, that makes sense. Have you ever popped a bone at the gym? No. I don't think you do. No. Why would you? Hot ladies. I don't stare at them. No. Why would you? Hot ladies.

I don't stare at them. Yeah, you don't stare. Sweaty hot ladies, gym ladies. Like, I need to see them done up. I need to see them with big lipstick on. I like them ruined. You like them messed up? Yeah, you like them all flattened?

Dirty. You like them all blown out? Yeah. You like, you say, yeah, you like them to, them to like sit stand behind an exhaust pipe of a car and then turn the car on just blast them with that shit and then go out i like them at the end of the rope you know yeah you like a woman's just kind of skin on a clothes hanger like hung up on a cactus yeah kind of girl gets bones removed yeah like. Like Marilyn Manson. That's a man.

What? I think in today's day and age, it's arguable. We're trans positive here. What? We're trans positive. Yeah, we're good. No, but Marilyn Manson isn't trans. Is he? He's not. Is he? No, no, it's Z. A to Z. Her name is

Marilyn Manson. Z. No, no, it's Z. A to Z. Every Tuesday night. Every Thursday night. There we go. Let's just go to a segment from Old McNeil. Oh, no. Oh, my.

It's a segment now. Today's segment is a Easter egg hunt. We don't like Easter eggs. How is it an Easter egg hunt? Did you hide eggs in the room? Oh my god, do we have presents around the room? Maybe.

No, we don't. An Easter egg hunt happens once a year. You need to name the location that you would like to have the Easter egg hunt at, a location that would be a really good spot to do it, and what are you going to put in those eggs, okay? What are we putting in the eggs? Those are the two rules, the two things you need to say. If you want to add some accoutrements, feel free, okay?

Okay. I don't even get it. I will start. You're having a hard time with this one? It's just not a good segment. I just don't like he's saying... No, no, no. You gotta name a location where it will be held.

My house. What are you putting in them? Quarters. There you go. Perfect. Great job. I'm done. They're under the couch.

Yeah, we used to get quarters in our Easter eggs. Yeah, we did too. Sometimes, if you're lucky. And they're under the couch. Yeah, we used to get quarters in our Easter eggs. Yeah, we did too. Sometimes, if you're lucky. I am going to hold mine in an H.R. Giger painting.

Cool. And I will put tiny black holes in my eggs, so when you open the egg, you get sucked into another dimension. All right. I like it. Henry? I'm going to put eggs all over the Golden Gate Bridge and all of them. But one, when you open it, says do it.

That's a good one. But the one that does it says don't do it. Don't do it. Don't jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Technically, I'm done. Yeah, you nailed it. The orders and your house. Yeah, under the couch. Under the couch.

Bermuda Triangle. Take a bunch of fucking kids. Borders and your house. Yeah, under the couch. Bermuda Triangle. Take a bunch of fucking kids, put them on a boat, throw a bunch of eggs. There's nothing in the fucking eggs. All of it, they're filled with their dirt, so they sink. And all the kids, they jump off and they go, Whoa, we don't need life jackets. Because I don't think that anyone under the age of 10 should be celebrating any kind of holiday. So I think that, you know. Just let them jump off.

They never come back. Bermuda Triangle. Easter egg hunt. Done. Cruel. Probably closer to the first Easter. In terms of cruelty. Who's strongest? Who's going to make it back to the boat and be

happy that they just made it back to the boat? That's their presence. That's their surprise. They make it back to the boat and be happy that they just made it back to the boat. That's their presence. Never get off the boat. That's their surprise. They make it back to the boat. Never get off the boat. Never get off the boat. What the?

Fucking tiger, man! God, now I'm really curious as to what story we missed, Marcus. Eddie has to go. Eddie, your turn. I gotta leave? Yes. Yeah, we need you to leave.

We all have to leave. You are awful and we need you to go. But I do. You. You are awful, and we need you to go away. But I do. You've been bad from the beginning. No, he's been great, actually. I remember one time we had an Easter egg hunt back when I was selling drugs, and me and my buddy, we filled all the eggs with drugs. It was basically drugs.

Some of them had money, and there was a lot of weed. There was a couple with pills. We had a little Coke we put in one of them and then a couple of them we just put pudding in it. What is the statute of limitations on that? It's done. He's good. Okay, good. But it's also for adults.

There's no evidence. Ten years ago. Ten years ago, there's no evidence. It's a comedy show. Everything I say is a lie. Satire. Great. But yeah, we did that.

And adult men and women found these eggs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you found all of them. I planted them. I was the planter. I didn't actually go looking. I was like, okay, everybody, go in the backyard. But in your state of near permanent fucking inebriation, you remembered where each one of these eggs were.

So you need to tell me that we couldn't go back to your old place where you lived and go digging around that yard and maybe find some fucking pills. No, we found all of them. The rule was you find it, you use it at the Easter party. We cooked a big goose. It was great. Good day. So you did blow and ate goose. Yeah, like you're American.

That's like a Scandinavian. I just can't imagine a bunch of skied out monsters. It's this bizarre combo of like super white trash and then royalty. But then goose. It's this kind of awesome mixture. Delicious. Yeah, put jelly on it. That is good.

Yeah. You say ill, but it's fucking great. Slather it in jelly. Peach or strawberry. What are we doing? It was a raspberry. Orange jelly you use for duck. Yes, you do.

It's the only peaking duck I've had. Or duck l'orange. You know. Yeah, I throw a lot of l'orange on it. All right, it's very good Marcus who wins? Let's go for the Golden Gate Suicide

Yeah I mean that's Yeah we need more of those They're always thinking About it and not acting Get the gun Get the gun Get the gun Shoot shoot shoot shoot

Well you don't really Need to get the gun If you're on the Golden Gate Bridge Why are you saying it? That's from Ozzy Well if you are thinking About killing yourself

Don't do that Don't do it Don't do it Of course don't do killing yourself, don't do that. Don't do it. Don't do it. Of course don't do it. Of course don't do it. Don't go to the Golden Gate. Don't be a fucking idiot. Stay away from the Golden Gate Bridge, everyone.

That's a bad bridge to use, though, right? Yeah, they got nets. They got nets? They got nets. That sucks. Why? If you want to do it, I'm not saying do it. I'm saying they got nets. Yeah, what's wrong with the nets? They got nets. You're want to do it, I'm not saying do it. I'm saying they got nets.

You don't know they got nets. You're ready to do it. You made this decision, and then you get caught by a net. Like you're a dolphin. I trust that. That's not good, though. I like nets. All of them say when they, every person who survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge and all that,

every single one of them say without a doubt as they're on their way down they regret it. The problem is they have to stay through a goddamn straw. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, there was one dude in that great documentary The Bridge who was saved by a sea otter and now he's a Christian. He's worshiping Jesus so he should be worshiping the otter.

Yeah, the otter's the one that fucking saved him. And once again, we come back to our savior, Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus! I want to thank everybody for this beautiful Easter we've had together. And amen, man. Fucking rock and roll Jesus down a sled towards nirvana, man. Drinking the fucking blood!

All right, this is the last episode. I just wish the cookies were bigger in church. Oh my God. It's not a cookie. They suck all the moisture out of your mouth. You're supposed to drink the wine. I actually thought it was styrofoam for a while and then one time

when I was younger I wanted one when I was home and I ate part of a styrofoam plate. That's a story. And that is a part of the obstacles that Ed has overcome in order to live to adulthood. You ate how much of the styrofoam plate did you eat?

A tiny circle. Unbelievable. You wanted one when you were home. Why? I thought they were alright. You fat dumpy dumb child. I can't.

So that's the round table this week. I honestly don't know if the show continues after this. I will say, though, so Ed, I just did get to finish watching Ed eat his beer can. So Ed is half goat. Yes.

He is a bit of a goat man. Human goat. That's Jackie, Eddie, Henry, Holden. YOLO. Yeah, you do. Find me on Twitter at Elijah Wood. On Twitter. Ooh, at Elijah should.

Things Elijah Wood should do. Yeah, like kill himself. No, that's not true. Although, Maniac was terrible. Maniac was awful. I liked Maniac. I did not like the remake of Maniac. That's not true. It was too okay. I liked Maniac. I did not like the remake of Maniac. That's controversial.

AK-47. What? It was too clean. I didn't think it was great. I thought it was good. I didn't bother watching it. Yeah. Go see Midnight Special.

Why? It's great. I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to our audience. I hope you never watch another good movie the rest of your life. Midnight Special? When the fuck? What is that?

Oh, it's a great sci-fi movie. It's out right now. Go check it out. Where is it out? Union Square. This is a conversation you can have after we leave. Oh. Wait a minute.

Why leave? Twitch. Twitch. Hold Nate or so on Twitch. All right. Instagram. Any tunes? Let's do it.

It doesn't matter. Yeah, I think it's already done. The show is over. He cut us off a long time ago. Man, it's pumping. I can see that red screaming through GarageBand. This has been an episode of Roundtable of Gentlemen. Man, I'm fucking Portia's pilot. Thanks for having me on the show.

I'm gonna fucking stick a spear up your goddamn toe. These sandals are fucking full of blood. Wow. It's just a roundtable of gentlemen. They know what the show is. It's the end of the show. They know what the show is. It's the end of the show. They know what the show is. No raviolis in my goddamn shoes.