The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 283: Smiley Face Tuesday

Episode Date: April 13, 2016

The gang is joined by Eddie's neighbor Joe Stanton to talk about body modifications, drug-addled southerners, and the benefits of using bodily orifices for personal storage.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Civility.

Gentlemen, always civility. Indeed. They can do it. They can do it. You've got hives all over your body. Oh, my God. I've got rashes all over me. Jackie is praying. Well, oh.

She's the host tonight. That's what's happening. Yes, I'm the host. Welcome to the roundtable, gentlemen. I'm not praying because I'm the host and I get to dictate whatever I fucking want. That's not true at all. So I guess it is

Ed that is praying. No, it's not how it works. I believe it's Holden, actually. Is it really? I feel so... So it wasn't Marcus last time, though. It was me last time. So it would be Marcus' day. But I don't know, but I'm the queen of the show today, so maybe I get to choose Holden instead. You're the host of the show.

No, you can't just make up a rule. I'm the queen of the show and the queen decrees that Holden does the prayer for the night. It's going to be garbage. Oh, God save the queen. God save the queen. Holden, pray for us. Everybody close your eyes. It's time for a guided medication.

You've got a big hammer, and you're looking at Jackie, and she's like, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I'm like, Jackie, quit saying mean, bad stuff. And she's like, I killed your brother. I killed your mom. And then I, you, beat her in her head with the hammer over and over and over again. And she's like, even though her whole head's caved in, there's brain spilling out of her. She's like, I can still see you.

I can still talk to you. And then. Talking out of her throat. Yeah. And then you go to a wizard and bring still talk to you. And then talking out of her throat. Yeah. And then you go to a wizard and bring her back to life and here we are at the round table gentlemen. Good job everybody. Why would you bring me back to life? Just to kill you again.

The only fault I find as the queen's decree is that I would never kill Avery because I like him much more than I like you. But his mother you know she's beautiful. She's a handsome woman. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen. So if this is the queen's court, then as you introduce us here today, maybe tell us each

what member of the court we are. Oh, sure. Yeah, no, I know all about the court system. I also just told the queen how to live right now, man. Interesting. So that's why you are the king's younger brother, and you will be sentenced to death. No! Everybody, I'm holding is here.

Hi, I'm the flayed man. Yeah, paint the roses red, you will. Absolutely. Cut off his dick, make him be a half man. And after that, I'll do some PlayStation Network shout outs. You're not at that part yet. Santiago Garcia from Uruguay wants Jackie. Please do something.

He says he wants you, Jackie. He's from Uruguay. He says pot's legal there, and he's got ten jars of it for you. Yeah, but that's where the Nazis go, and that's probably where Ben Kissel is right fucking now. Absolutely, that's where he is right now. He said he had to go to a secret meeting with his like-minded people. Interesting. Monty Montgomery gives us a shout-out from the Irish.

He says, top of the morning, you bunch of smelly Carrie men. Poncho993 tells Ed Larson to shut his cock trap. Oh my God. PSN shout-outs for, that's the number four, life. Thank you for your PlayStation Network shout outs. I'm Ed Larson. I can't believe I waited for that.

And I believe that you're the head of the treasury, so you hold all of my jewels and coins. So I have nothing? No, you have anything. However, I entrust in you and I give you a lot of fancy hats. I got a bunch of rocks and Monopoly pieces. And who else do we have with us?

Oh, all right. You know, there we go. I thought it was going to be done differently, but it wasn't. We know Holden's here. Holdenators, ho! No time for your PlayStation Network I want to hear him again It's fascinating

Paco from Uruguay says Hi, you bastards I'm Kevin Barnett, man, I'm here But, you know, this weekend I caught up in some credit card fraud What? Some people got my shit. You got caught?

I don't know how. They ran up a bunch of money. Really? How much? They were at Finish Line. They were at Nike Town. They were at Zales. They were doing-

Zales? Yeah. Finish Line, Nike Town, Zales. They were in Vegas. They ran up about $14,000. Oh my Lord. What's your credit card limit? I mean, it's not even- I don't even have- I can't do that. It's $200,000. Oh my lord! What's your credit card limit? I don't even have, I can't do that.

It's $200,000. Past a certain amount, they just stopped approving shit. But here's what happened. That's what amount! On Saturday, I was going to go perform at a college. Me and Jordan Temple were going. I needed a credit card to get the car.

About two hours before that i saw the first thing at zales for like 700 and then the other thing at finish line for like 300 and i was like i have to they put a hold on my card so i had to approve those charges so i could get the car and drive it in school wait does that mean you have to pay for it though no no no like i was afraid of that but i called back today and they hooked your boy up, cleared all the charges, canceled the card, getting new. They fine these guys? I don't know. They're never gonna fine me. They got a camera at

Zales. They can figure this out. I don't know, man. I'm almost happy for them. It ain't come off of me. They got a free charm bracelet. Yeah, it's alright. Well, I guess you're the boy of the court then. Exactly. I'll take it. Court boy. I, I guess you're the boy of the court then. Exactly. I'll take it. Court boy.

Yes. I don't know. On the chat, user Opaquin said that you should be Lord Falconer Luger. Falconer Luger. I like that a lot. I don't know. That's a bit of a tongue tie. That's too much.

Yeah, I would just call you Big Eagle. Big Eagle, give me your credit cards. Big Iggy. Big Iggy. I'm a bad host at it. My name is Jackie Sprouse. We do have someone in the Junkle Hut today. I know that his name is Joe. Mr. Joe Stanton. Yeah. I'm Ed's neighbor.

That's pretty much my qualifications for being here. Jesus, have some fucking pride in yourself, Joe. I'm a comedian. I'm a comedian. I'm a comedian. I host a show, you know, that if you live in New York, you should come see. What's the show? What's the show?

It's called Dear God, That's Stone Cold's Music. It's at Bunga's Den. Last Wednesday of every month. Great show. There's free beer. Bunga Bunga. Bunga Bunga, yeah. Silvio Berlusconi is there.

He knows. He's saying you're in. Yeah. No, I know. But I was thinking, I was like, I'm a big get for these guys. All my fans, which my aunt is going to be like, download. What's her name? Julie.

Julie. That's also your girlfriend's name, man. Yes, it is. They're not the same. Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure? I think so If age was measured in height Then it would be

Ah Yeah Very tall woman And very old aunt I guess Yeah She's my dad's age You know

Yeah yeah And nicknames are the tree house Cause he's got a climb upper Yeah man Well thank you so much Joe Sander Thanks for having me For being here

And uh Vagina's on the second floor You got to climb up her. Yeah, man. Well, thank you so much, Joe Sander, for being here. Her vagina's on the second floor. Do you take the elevator up? Or do you walk up the stairs? We live upstairs. Oh, okay, then that's fine. We got our big, tiny newsman, Marcus Parks. Marcus, why don't you give us an article or two?

Garbage. You've always been garbage at this. Oh, I'm fat, but I'm not really that fat. I'm just tall. See, that was nice. That was the nicest thing I could ever say about him. It looks like he was drained and stretched out. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, not by looking at me.

I'm Ben today. So, oh, my hair is bad, and I need another blazer. Oh, where are you going to buy that blazer, Ben? Oh, probably at Torrid, which is the fat version of Jose Bay. First news story today. A store surveillance camera captured a Florida man throwing a small alligator into the drive-thru window at a Wendy's restaurant, prompting a concerned employee to hoist herself outside the window to escape the reptile. Good old fun.

Good old-fashioned fun. Florida fun. It's in Jupiter. It's in Jupiter. That's where my grandma lived. I used to play Jupiter. Yeah, nice. There were a bunch of fucking white assholes,

I'll tell you what. It's white, yeah. It's white. Jupiter's up north, though, right? It's not like St. Augustine? No, it's right above West Palm I'm like 15-20 minutes north West Palm something like that

The real question is why do you have a baby alligator Cause that's how big they gotta be to throw them through a store window What is it with the show with alligators I was listening to it No we like to talk about gators a lot Is it just cause it's a Florida Native alligator It's weird news and anytime There's never normal news with an alligator.

It's not like an alligator is running for president. That would be weird news. That would be bizarre, though. That would be strange. Even the most normal of news would be strange. Alligators are great. I love alligators, right? They killed a 15-footer.

He was eating cows. Wow. Yeah, yeah. A love alligators, right? Yeah. They killed a 15-footer. He was eating cows. Oh, yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah, yeah. A big old fucker hoisted him up. He ate cows? No. Yeah, he was eating cows with his mouth.

I know, but how do you get him down? I mean, I know that I'm- And he shit him out of his tushy. Yeah. No, you gotta wait until, you wait until they come up to the watering hole, and then you come out and snap them. Snap them, you pull them down, you drown them, and then you wait a day until they get soft, and then it goes down like a Slurpee.

And then you call the other cows on the phone pretending to be that cow. Get them down to the river. Get their fucking asses. What do they say? That's how alligators talk. That is not how they talk. It is actually how they talk.

It's not like that. It was actually perfect when it did. I'm the queen of the show. And as far as I'm concerned, alligators go, ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi, ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi, from now on. She's right. She's right. She is pretty, yeah, she's correct.

But being the queen, you have a definite lack of perspective. It just matters. And I would say that Ed was right. But you know what? I'll take what you decreed. Thank you. Because you are the queen. We'll teach him how to talk like that.

Yes, that's all I ask of my court. Well, defendant Joshua James, 24, paid for a drink he had ordered, and then as the Wendy's employee turned her back to get change, he threw the three-and-a-half-foot alligator into the eatery around 1.30 a.m. and then drove off in his Nissan Frontier. It's the perfect crime. Where was he hiding it? It's a Nissan Frontier.

It's an SUV. Oh, man. Yeah, but still, what, he had to climb in the back to get the alligator to hoist him out? You can put him in the passenger seat. See, I just feel like this is a lot of money to spend. You're getting rid of a three and a half foot alligator. They're free.

I assume you got it for free. You can't just pick them up. Yeah, she can. See, here's the thing. Us commoners don't want alligators in our yard. We'd rather them be inside the Wendy's drive-thru window. Yeah, but you got to put them in your car first. Hey, you get it out the lake, put it in your car.

Yeah, you got to grab. I've seen people grab alligators by the tail. There's more scared of you than we are of them. You grab them by the tail, you pull them out of the water, they're snapping, you punch them in the head. See, I think that this is what raccoons are for. I would rather use a raccoon to do this. They're more likely to fuck you up.

They're much more likely to bite you, I think. I know, that's why you get gloves. No, you don't want a raccoon in a closed car. No. When they get a small space. An alligator, you could probably keep it at arm's length. He might just chill for a while, depending on how much you fed him. But a raccoon's gonna freak out

no matter what. Yeah, if you have a raccoon in a closed space, it better be like a sack. I guess you could put that raccoon in the sack and then put the sack in your passenger seat and then just throw the sack in. Throw the sack in! And then they're like, what is this? Is it a present?

And then it's a... Straight for the garbage. What was this guy's plan was? That's the thing, because he paid for the food first. He was waiting for his change. It wasn't like he was trying to get rid of, you know, like not pay for it. Well, while the airborne alligator is a blur in the surveillance footage, the Wendy's employee's concern is clear. While she seems to smile at the sight of the alligator inside a blur in the surveillance footage, the Wendy's employee's concern is clear.

While she seems to smile at the sight of the alligator inside the restaurant, the woman eventually sits up on the ledge at the drive-thru window and then jumps out the opening. James, the perpetrator, is facing a felony aggravated assault charge in connection. Yeah, felony aggravated assault. Assault with a deadly weapon. I don't think it's assault. You don't think it's assault?

Animal cruelty, maybe. He is getting animal cruelty as well. He is actually, a judge has ordered him to stay away from all Wendy's restaurants. Not Lakes? I also love how it's only specific to Wendy's. Same shit at McDonald's for burgers. Anything with a drive-thru window you'd think you'd have to stay away from. He's also barred from contact with any animals except his current family dog.

He can still hang around the dog at home. That dog's going through a window. He's run out of other options. Yeah, but what about his wife? Am I right? He's not married. He's 22 years old. Look at his hair.

Look at this guy. This is not a married man. Oh, yeah. He might be Florida married. It looks like a more attractive at this guy. This is not a married man. Oh, yeah. He might be Florida married. It looks like a more attractive Holden. Yeah, it's kind of me, huh? Actually, it kind of is, yeah. He's good looking.

Wow, without glasses, it really is Holden. Yeah, he's got kinder eyes than you, though. Yeah, he's got good looking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're some more. My mother always said, you have the devil's eyes. Yeah, that's what my grandmother said about my mother, and that's why she got raped. Wow.

You think this is why he made... I was trying to move on. No, no, no, no. So do you think this is why he grabbed a lizard? Jesus, Jackie. My grandmother used to always say that my mother had devil's eyes. Devil's eyes. Yeah, devil's eyes.

Kind eyes. Your mother doesn't have devil's eyes. She is very kind. No, she does have kind eyes. Devil's eyes. Oh, I thought you said kind eyes. Your mother doesn't have devil's eyes. She is very kind. No, she does have kind eyes. She just has those big, beautiful eyes, you know? And those are devil's eyes? Yeah. Oh, yeah, on a woman?

Too seductive. Anything bigger than a quarter belongs to the beast. That's what your mother always used to say. I love all these mother sayings working around each other, working together to create one big philosophy. She fucking threw a phone at me after that. Yes, she did. According to Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission report, James told investigators that he found the alligator on a roadway. The alligator was subsequently released into a nearby canal after he was captured from the Wendy's.

And then shortly ripped apart by other alligators, probably. Yeah, because he smells like hamburgers. He could just release the guy. Probably smelled like a fry dipped in frosty. That is good. I feel like at that point, I think that you should just get to keep the alligator. With the Wendy's?

You can't give it to him. No, no, keep it for somebody that works at the Wendy's, somebody that wants the alligator, give them the alligator. Maybe it needs a job. It's a consolation prize. Yeah, oh, you could just get a cage in it, and then it could be the alligator Wendy's. I mean, I think that they would get a lot of money out of that. I'd rather go to that Wendy's than the other one.

I'll tell you that much. Man, I used to have fucking vicious nightmares about alligators. Still do. But I used to have one where it would like, they were surrounding the sun bank and we couldn't get in and then my fucking dad got taken. It was tough. I had that one a couple times. Good lord.

Did you guys have a lot of animal nightmares? I seem to remember something about a tiger, but not a whole lot. Animals I like to feel are my friends. Animals? I thought it was just worms. Oh like to feel are my friends. Animals? I thought it was just worms. Oh, worms, the best friends. Well, you have to have a bestie of the whole animal kingdom. For sure.

I used to have a dream where I would be stuck on a rock while a whole bunch of lions that were dressed up in armor tried to eat me. Like chain mail? Yeah. That's awesome. That's a pretty cool dream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was pretty cool yeah it was like like medieval armor and then it would always end because there was always a tree that

would start growing right next to the rock and then once the tree started growing that's when the lion started climbing up and i would always wake up right before they got to me in the hole you dug i wish i had dreams like that big eagle you didn't have any horse dreams or anything no i mean it was like the only thing I had was frogs, man. Frogs surrounding me, jumping on me and shit. Yeah, I've had those. Little frogs, man. I had frogs everywhere, too.

Just all over my legs, peeing on me and shit. It's real life or dreams? This is dreams and real life. I did get peed on by a frog in my garage, man. Did you get a wart? Huh? Did you get a wart? No, I didn't get a wart.

But we got all those tree frogs in Loxahatchee, man. So they'd climb up on the garage, whatever you call it, and then you'd press the thing to close it, and they'd be up there, and they'd freak out and jump on your head and pee all over you, man. Whenever you pick up a frog, it pees pretty much. It pees immediately. You don't pick up a frog. What if you need to win the frog jump?

Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. I just feel like frogs shouldn't be touched. Yeah. How else are you supposed to throw them? I mean, yeah, if you're going I just feel like frogs shouldn't be touched. Yeah. How else are you supposed to throw them? I mean, yeah, if you're going to throw them,

you're going to get pissed on. I feel like that's just a give and take. You just kick frogs. You kick them? You just kick them. I mean, if you're going to throw it, you kick it.

It blew the bottle rockets. You don't kick them. Yeah, I did that too. One of the most horrifying moments of my life was these dudes in college who I thought were my friends. Uh-oh.

At one point. They're listening. They go outside, right? And then they start throwing. college who I thought were my friends. Uh-oh. At one point. Oh, God. They're listening. They go outside, right? And then they start throwing, they know I'm terrified of frogs. And they start throwing pennies at me to fuck with me. I'm just sitting on the couch

and they came in from outside throwing pennies at me. And then I didn't realize that half of the pennies were frogs. I don't know why they got so many frogs. And they're throwing these frogs in my chest. I lost my fucking mind.

I should have never spoke to them again. In your house, even. In my house. Then you had a house full of dead frogs? I had to leave the my fucking mind. I should have never spoke to them again. In your house? In my house. Then you had a house full of dead frogs? I had to leave the house, man. Did they get rid of the frogs, though? They caught a few of them, but I don't know how many they threw versus how many pennies they threw. I didn't know you were afraid of frogs. I'm afraid of frogs.

Terrified. Really? Yeah, I hate them. I met people before that are scared. Why are people scared of frogs? Well, it's toads, mostly. Frogs are fine. Just the little frogs, those are alright, but it's the big brown toads. I was the opposite. I was fine with toads and frogs. You can't trust something that moves that fast.

Is it the sounds that they make too, though? Their sounds are insane. It's just the look. It's like just the toad look. It's the eyes on the side of the head. I love their fun little beady eyes. But you don't like tree frogs. Tree frogs.

The problem with the tree frogs was, because like where we were, it was like all swampy and shit. So if it rained or if it was just like, you know, a storm or some shit, there'd be like hundreds of them. Like every window in my house would have like 15 frogs on it. And their skin is so transparent. You see their hearts beating inside of it and their intestines and shit. Fucking awesome.

And then they fucking can jump eight feet in the air and will pee on you every time. What about you, Joe? What are you scared of? Animal-wise, not life-wise. I have a recurring dream lately because I have this kind of shitty dog. I mean, he's a great dog, but he's pretty terrible at being a dog. And I have a recurring nightmare.

This is so suburban that we keep getting more dogs. And we have all these cute dogs and can't take care of them. And to me, that's scarier than like an inscrutable, you know, animal. That sounds more like a life problem. Yeah, I'm afraid of having kids. I'm afraid of having kids. Let's get down to business here.

I'm queen of the podcast. I think you've got, yeah. Worried about kids, man. Worried about kids. Let's talk about it. Jackie, what do you prescribe for this issue? I don't know. Drinking a lot.

I do. I'm already doing that. I need to double my... Yeah, if your dick can't get hard enough to put the seed inside, then everything's fine. Oh, she'll find a way. She'll find a way. They will extract the seed. Yes, they will.

They have the tools. You know how when a dog needs urinalysis, you don't just wait for the dog to pee. You just sort of go in with a needle through their bladder? Just do that. Do you. That's what your lady does? Yeah, I like it. Yeah, that's really cool. It's great. It's sounding. I think it's great. I think there should be more needles inside of dicks to get the sperm.

Or I guess in the balls? You probably go in the vas deferens and, you know. But the vas deferens are very delicate. They're the squeezy ones, right? Yeah, they're the squeezy ones that are right below the dick and right above the testicles. The gunt. Y'all don't have a gunt.

You've never seen a gunt before. Marcus, we got another news article? Yeah, we totally got another news article. Let's hang out here. Apparently unconcerned that he could set fire to his entire dormitory, an Iowa college student twice used a lighter to burn a derogatory

design in the shape of a penis into his dorm's ceiling tiles. Gotta say, I feel like the word derogatory is not used properly in this. Well, that's from the police report. Is it insulting to penises? Or, like, what is...

Or to men in general? Because when you first said the word derogatory to me, I was like, Nazis. Fan word, yeah. Yeah, or, you know, just like something... But it's like, it's a dick. You draw a dick on other people's faces. Yeah.

Maybe they just meant to say offensive. Maybe it was super realistic. I mean, if you're... That's less offensive. That's just clinical. That's clinical. It's clinical. If it's all dopey and sad.

But if you're, like, burning it into the roof of... I mean, it's like... I've never... Have you ever burned anything into something before, like, as a shape? Yeah, if you use a soldering gun, you can write all kinds of fun stuff. I had some friends that used to burn smiley faces on their bodies with lighters. afford like as a shape yeah if you use a soldering gun you can write all kinds of fun stuff i had some friends that used to burn smiley faces on their bodies with lighters that's so dumb yeah lighters and uh what are these oh yeah coat hanger they'd light up the coat hanger and burn smiley

faces like they're like joining a black fraternity or something they just did it like it was just they're happy it was just tuesday okay yeah but but then you rather just do a stick and poke then right no we don't well some of the kids got a sick and poke You know I had one friend that had a little Casper the friendly ghost that he got when he was like 15 and Another one who got his girlfriend's name on his wrist. Oh never do it. Yeah, I'm sure he cut that out. It did not work out Yeah, I said friends that burn themselves too Cut that out. It did not work out. I did not. That's when she broke up with him. He cut it out and that was the end. Yeah. For him.

I used to have friends that burned themselves too. All kinds of kids, you know, seventh grade. Kids were burning themselves, piercing themselves in class. Yeah. Experimenting, exploring with their bodies. Marketing clubs. What did I feel like? You must have done something to your body.

I put a cigarette out of my chest one night. Really? I was very drunk on whiskey with an old college friend, Justin, who convinced me to do it. And it hurt. Yeah. Cigarette burns really bad. You still got a mark for that? I don't know.

Maybe. I'd have to look under all the hair and fuzz and stuff. It blends in with all the other ones. Yeah, all the others. At this point, yeah. It looks like I was burned in a factory fire, to be honest with you. That's just my natural skin markings. I'll tell you, this probably isn't very surprising.

Listener Andrew Parker, he's got a smiley face lighter scar. He did it. That's a kid. He's from California. Where you light the lighter and then you just push it into your, because the tops of the Zippos kind of look like a smiley face if you push them into your skin. I remember doing a little bit of that. That makes sense.

I've never heard of this at all. Why would you do that? The layer thing is new to me. At least it's a smiley face. No, I understand what you're saying. It does make sense, but I never would have fucking thought to do it. Oh, no. These guys, they heard about the smiley face thing, but they didn't know.

Actually, I've never heard of that before all they did is they just burned actual huge smiley faces into their arms with like two eyes uh and then a nice little like coat hanger mouth yeah they completely misinterpreted that it's right anything funny underneath it like a funny caption like um smile your day away or um smile if you're horny, you know, or something like that? Or was it just the smiley face? It was just the smiley face. Don't endorse it. What would you burn into yourself, Holden, if you were going to burn a tattoo under yourself? Ooh, he's a bad boy.

I like that. Right there. Right in a circle around my belly button. He's a bad boy. He's a bad boy around your belly button. And then an arrow pointing down that says bad boy's toy. Oh, Lord. So no one is confused who the bad boy is.

Who the bad boy is because if somebody thinks it's my friend and they're like, oh, I'm going to get it out. I'm going to come out of his fucking Johnson because he's the bad one. And I'm sitting here like I'm not a good guy at all. I'm horrible to everybody. What about piercings, though? No one ever did a piercing? I had a friend that tried to pierce his nipple. Lost the nipple.

Lost the nipple? What are you? Why? How? The nipple got infected. They had to slice it off. It's the most painful place to get pierced from what I've heard. Worse than the cockle.

I already said Johnson, so I have to use a different word for penis. Yeah, he actually used an ice cube to try to numb it up and then he got a needle, put the needle through and tried putting a little ring earring that he bought at Claire's through the nipple. It got infected and they had

to lop it off. No more sucking. No, no, not on that one. The other one's fine. You've had piercings before. You ever get your nose, your eyebrow, or something like that? No, I never got any of it. You look like you're the kind of person who would.

I was really close. I was in the chair to get a tongue piercing. Tongue? Yeah, I was in the chair to do it, and then I realized I didn't want to do it. I mean, it is a clamp. It's intense. Yeah, I was in the chair to do it, and then I realized I didn't want to do it because they, I mean, it is a clamp. It's intense. Yeah, it looks like they're going to put a hole in your tongue. I saw the clamp that they were going to clamp just on the tip of my tongue and pull it out of my mouth, and I was like, that's going to rip off the tip of my tongue. I don't want to do this.

Yeah. But, man, the BJs. Have you guys had BJs? In my life. BJs with tongue piercings. I've gotten some blowjobs before. No, with tongue piercings. Apparently the tongue piercing is where it's at. That's why I wanted to get it.

I was like, everyone says, because I've had Cosmo for 15 years, and they said that you have a- Ruining lives. Month by month. You got a tongue piercing. That's the way to do it. It's overrated. It's overrated.

It's overrated. I don't think that's true. It's super. The whole tongue piercing thing is super overrated. It's like when someone says, when you put ice in your mouth, it's better to blow a jump. No, it's not. Cold mouth, all cold. How much do you even feel like, I feel like there's a whole lot more going on when you're getting your dick sucked than just the tongue.

No, it just feels like she's got some weird shit in her mouth. Yeah. I mean, the mouth feels like, already feels good. You don't need like a little ball. A piece of metal. Yeah, a piece of metal in there. And what happens if maybe something gets a little caught on it? Hair.

Yeah. Because it could get caught on there. Hair on it. Oh, yeah. But I feel like sometimes, I feel like my best part of giving a blowjob is when the dick feels like it's like, could just hit the back of my eyeballs. my eyeballs and I think that's what you're doing it right for me is the end that's pretty good I like the sleeping afterwards you can dream of a million blowjobs in the sleeping what but a million blowjobs in the sleeping.

But a million blowjobs at the same time? Oh, yeah. By a godhead. A god with a million heads that can all suck your dick at once. And you have a million penises? Yeah. You have one penis? Well, that's the thing.

It's kind of like, it's an abstract understanding. You know what I'm saying? It's like multiple dimensions. All right, you have a cock in a different dimension, and there are a thousand dimensions. Quantum blowjobs. Quantum blowjobs. Black hole blowjobs. I mean, I bet that Barnett knows all about this.

I feel like you play enough video games that you would know about quantum blowjobs. Quantum blowjobs? Do you think about it? Not at all. No, you don't think about having many dicks and many mouths on all of your many dicks? No, no, no. I'm fine with the one dick I got. Good for you.

You say that for now. I'm a very simple man. I could go for like five more dicks. I'd take one. Take one? Just one more dick? Where would you put it? A tail.

Right next to the other one. Oh, yeah. Like that guy who had the two penises on the internet. Oh, I didn't know about that. Two big dicks. They were both like big. Yeah, yeah that guy who had the two penises on the internet. Two big dicks. They were both big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wouldn't you rather it on your upper back so that you have two different people sucking

No, I'd suck my shirt off and be stupid. Yeah, but you could take your shirt off and be like, I've got a dick on my back. You'd get arrested. Yeah, that's true. Showing your dick to a bunch of kids. That's why I wear a shirt to the beach. Well, speaking of dicks, back to our dick boy. Cops allege that George Sotos, 18, burnt and melted his penis design into hallway ceilings inside the University of Iowa's Slater Hall.

Sotos torched the ceilings on two separate days last month, according to criminal complaints, accusing the young scholar of reckless use of fire and explosives. An unnamed friend of Soto's told campus police that the Illinois native admitted to burning a penis shape into the ceiling tile in Slater Hall. During questioning, Soto's reportedly admitted to officers it would be possible that he caused the damage. Here's a picture of the doofus. He is a doofus.

The thing is that this is inconsequential to what i did inside of my dorm room yeah i never got caught doing yeah well you weren't bragging about it no that's the whole thing i think this guy is just such an asshole it's like why brag about something that you're doing when that's not the point would you tell on him if he told you no because that's dumb i'd do it i'd tell you would tell on him if he told you? No, because that's dumb. I'd do it. I'd tell on him. You would tell on him? Really? Setting fires in my home. In your dorm room?

Yes, it's where I live. Yeah, but what if you didn't live in his dorm room? Why do you live in a fucking dorm room? Because I'm a high school college freshman. I never did live in a dorm because I wasn't smart enough for school. You never lived in a dorm? I didn't really go to college. Yeah, community colleges don't have dorms.

Yeah. Interesting. I didn't know that. Unless you're a basketball player or something. I assume they live go to college. Yeah, community colleges don't have dorms. Interesting. I didn't know that. Unless you're a basketball player or something. I assume they live in dorms. Yeah, it's just a hotel. Joe, did you live in a dorm? I lived in a dorm. I lived in...

Craziest story. Oh, God, no. I lived in a super shitty dorm. Oh, was it an honors dorm? It was like an arts dorm. Yeah, yeah, no. We were very lame. The craziest story was there was Dance Dance Revolution.

Yuck. I know. Yuck. I know. Yuck. I hate it. I love my friends. Jesus. Now, we once pushed a couch out of the window, that second floor window, and then set it on fire.

See, that's a good one. An honor story. That's the way to do it. You did a refrigerator off the third floor balcony and set that on fire. Hell yeah. Yeah. This kid, he's not setting anything big on fire.

I'd say he's a hero. He's an artist. Oh, yeah. He did it twice. That's not setting anything big on fire. I'd say he's a hero. He's an artist. Oh, yeah, he's got it. He did it twice. That's commitment. That's just dumb. I think, I'm sorry, it's dumb. He's just standing, what is he, standing on a ladder, slowly burning a dick?

Like Michelangelo stood on a ladder to do the Sistine Chapel. You know what? That's right. He may as well have just had angels touch and fucking dub fingers. So what's his penalty? Is it angels? He is free on $2,000 bond. He is being charged with reckless use of fire and explosives.

Oh, my God. There's no fireworks in that. Explosives? Maybe it's gasoline or some shit. He was just using a lighter, though, right? Yeah, he's just using a lighter. Maybe they're counting the gas inside the lighter as explosive. I mean, if you throw a lighter really hard

against the wall, it will explode. Is that true? Or do you have to be like the Hulk? No, you just get a shitty lighter. You can't use a big. Oh, you get like a crack lighter. Yeah, you gotta use a crack lighter. Those are great. Throw them off buildings and shit. You know what's better? Do a bunch of crack right before you do that.

And then get crazy. You might as well. Throw them off buildings and shit. Yeah. Well, you know what's better? Do a bunch of crack right before you do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then get crazy. On this crack lighter, you might as well. You might as well. Like, oh, we got all these crack lighters. Man, I miss crack. Yeah. Whatever happened to her?

We got off it. Yeah, they switched over to spice. People still smoke crack. Spice is everywhere, though. This whole spice thing makes me crazy. I don't even know. I want to fucking try it. No. No, Jack. This whole spice thing makes me crazy. I don't even know. I want to fucking try it. No, Jackie.

No, you don't. Try it once, then you're eating Kevin's face off inside some highway. Yeah, well, I'm sitting in Kissel's seat, so maybe that's what he gets. Ah, man, you'll just end up face down in a gutter over on Myrtle Broadway. Well, the problem is she's the queen, and the queen may do whatever she please. The queen may do whatever she please. You The queen may do whatever she pleases. You guys will have to carry me home after it. Yeah, and then the court, you know, she makes fashion.

Everybody else has to start doing spice to keep up. The fashion of the queen. I love this. Let's get some spice. It's Monday. I'll call all my guys. When I used to live in Ridgewood, I saw some chick on what I assume was spice, and she was just walking through the middle of the street screaming shit.

Just like barking like a dog almost. And then a car is like, you know, trying to drive down the street. And it stops right in front of her. And it honks at her. And she just starts punching the hood of the car a bunch. It's fucking awesome. That's probably Spice. See, I just want to be like RoboCop.

And it sounds like Spice makes me like RoboCop. Well, if there was a way we could put the entire city on Spice, it would be like Arkham Knight with the Scarecrow's fucking gas and just have everybody fighting the fuck out of each other. And everyone's got bags on their heads. Just like, yeah. Beautiful. To the reservoir.

Speaking of crack, I got a crack story. Let's do the crack story. A right. Let's go to the crack story. A woman arrested for cocaine possession told Florida jailers that the crack pipe found hidden in her vagina was not her property, but rather she was storing the drug paraphernalia for a friend. Friendly friend. Friendly friend. Keeping it as a home.

The thing is that what I feel like people don't understand about vaginas is that it's just another home. Yeah. And I think that you can put whatever you want inside of it. Yeah. And then it's just, no, that's just my other apartment. I know we've talked about it before, but the oddest thing besides a man's fist. Inside of my vagina?

Yes. Honestly, I haven't put that much. I mean, there has been a fist or two. And outside of vegetables, which that's just like a young thing honestly I thought about a fork one time like what a pumpkin

a fork yeah a fork yeah I thought about a fork one time which end both as much as I could get in

and I think that the walls of your vagina must be so fucking leathery it's ready to create the ultimate child. This would be a tough baby. That's what I'm hoping for. Your baby's going to come out with an exoskeleton.

I wanted to have chain mail on and a full head of hair and come out and just be like, I'm ready to fuck. That's my baby. It's just like the maternity ward. It's all little babies. There's just one in the corner that's like fighting the other babies Getting hammered

Getting thrown out Yeah, that's why they call Jackie the kangaroo No, I wish I had a pouch Filled with mucus Those things are filled with mucus Yeah, they're disgusting Why? For the babies?

So the thing can live Yeah Secretion liquids are very important Wait, is that its womb? No, it's a pouch. It's just a marsupial pouch. It gives birth into the pouch, right? Oh, I don't know about that.

Does it squirt it up into the pouch? I think so. No, they put them in the pouch afterwards. They like pick it up after they... I think it crawls up the... What's the point? It's already warm in Australia. It crawls up the outside?

Yeah, it says, yeah, immediately after birth, the joey, it crawls up the mother's body and enters the pouch. The baby attaches its mouth to one of the four teats, which then enlarges to hold the young animal in place. Can you imagine if a

baby did that, if it crawled up your body to suckle after it was born? Just like a fully strong... I think it's great, though, because if it it crawled up your body to suckle after it was born, just like a fully strong... I think it's great, though, because if it can't crawl up my body, that means it's not strong enough and I would immediately kill it. Human babies are so weak, you wouldn't have to kill it. You can just leave it somewhere. In the trash.

A lot of times you can just leave it in the hospital and it dies. It doesn't need help. So what will your strength tests be for your firstborn? For my firstborn? The strength test, basically, it's like slap it in the face. And if it can't stand by six months, then I'm done. Okay. But what about your children?

I feel like, Holden, your first offspring will definitely be at least slimy. Oh, easily, yes. Secreted. I would go ahead and say I would probably dress it up like a cat and take it to a dog park. Ooh, I like that. Throw it in with the dogs. Leave. Leave the park for several hours.

Come back. If all those dogs are dead, that baby gets to live. Barnett? I feel like, you know, I would take the baby to England, right? Whoa. And abandon it in a carriage in a park and hope he becomes the next Peter Pan. That's the best thing I've ever heard.

And if he does? If he does, then fine. He's having a great life. No one can be mad at me. And if people are mad that I left a baby in a park in England and the authorities find him, like, I took him to England. That's a great trip for a newborn.

Also, the best part about that is that you would have absolutely no idea whether he became better Peter Pan or whether he just died in the park. Do you think Peter Pan cares who his father is? No, exactly. No, not at all. I've seen Hook. Does Peter Pan have a father?

Yeah. He used to. Everyone has a father. He was like a baby and I think his- He was abandoned in the park. Yeah, I think it is basically that story. He's basically abandoned in the park and he fell into a- I don't know. Yeah, but those it is basically that story. He's basically abandoned in the park, and he fell into a... Yeah, but those Lost Boys, though, it's like, where did they fucking come from?

Bad stuff. He just stole them. Mexico. Rufio was not Mexican. He was definitely of Asian descent. Rufio was an Asian? Rufio wasn't Mexican? He's a Pacific Islander, definitely.

You think so? Yeah, totally. Samoan? No, Filipino. No, too small. It's Filipino kid. He's Pacific Islander, definitely. You think so? Oh, yeah. Totally. Samoan? No, Filipino. No, too small. It's Filipino kid. He's probably a man. By now, yes.

I assume he didn't freeze himself. Ever see, it's one of your girls to be Manny Pacquiao. Pretty cool. Pound for pound, the greatest boxer around. How are you? Pound for pound, huh? Yeah, pound for pound. How will you test your child, Ed?

How will I test my child? Yes. I mean, if it's born through many attempts of abortion, then God bless it. Hell yeah. What about you, Joe? I think I'm going to test it the way I'm going to test it, which is you're putting a lot of emotional pressure on it. I don't know, like being worried about it all the time. Yeah, you're trying to make a soft baby is what it sounds like.

I'm going to have a soft baby. My wife and I are both chubby people. It's going to be a nice, squishy, you know, weak baby. Hell yeah. Marcus, chain mail? Make it drive a car. Ooh, I like that. Damn, while I'm in the car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Super buzz it. Marcus, chain mail? Make it drive a car. Ooh, I like that. Damn.

While I'm in the car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a supervisor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, definitely supervised, but yeah, it's like you get up to about like 60 miles an hour,

turn on the cruise control, you get over in the passenger seat, the baby gets in the driver's seat, and either he survives, either he succeeds, or you both die. Ooh, I like that. I feel like for a baby

that's a lot of oblique work, man. I would say you might have to be on the pedal situation for that. Yeah, put it in your lap. Tie it to the wheel. Tie steel poles to its legs. Ooh, yeah. Make it learn how to walk on stilts and then put it in the car. First, yeah.

There's a lot of prep work there, but if the baby's done, we're gonna die together. Hey, there's a lot of prep work in having a baby. I mean, just health savings accounts. Oh my god. The womb is tired already. I can't even believe all the shit you gotta wipe up off their asses. They can't do anything. What's the point? Just buy a four-year-old.

Yeah, please. But I think we've got more mommy news, though, right? Oh yeah, Tiffany. Nice! Yay! Yay, the queen of our But I think we've got more mommy news, though, right? Oh, yeah, Tiffany. Nice. That's good hosting. Yay, the queen of all girls. The queen. Well, this woman's probably a mommy.

Yeah, she's a mommy. She put a crack pop up in her vagina. She's a mommy. She's a mommy. Tiffany Flores, 23, was arrested yesterday afternoon following a traffic stop in Felsmere, just north of Vero Beach. Okay. Flores, a passenger in the vehicle stopped, confessed to ownership of a small bag of cocaine

that a cop found on the roadway directly beside the passenger doorframe. After initially denying that she threw the cocaine out of the car window, Flores reportedly copped to owning the coke, which she said she purchased from a man named Nino. A man named boy. Upon arriving at the county jail, Flores claimed that she could not go through a scanner since she was pregnant, but after a pregnancy test showed negative results, jail staff... What a good lie.

What are you doing pregnant? Oh, are you going to test? Maybe there's a baby in there. I don't know. Maybe she was like, I could be. I could be pregnant. It's a good way to get a free pregnancy test. That's checkmate.

It costs like $4. What, are you going to the dollar store? I feel bad for your wife. They make cheap pregnancy tests. You can't get a cheap one. Yes, you can. Gotta get a high-end one. Yes, you can. No, you shouldn't. Gotta get a high-end one that talks when it's pregnant. You're fucked.

That sounds like a doctor. Well, after a pregnancy test showed negative results, jail staff processed Flores through the body scanner. That is when officers noticed a foreign object located inside Flores' vaginal area. Flores subsequently retrieved a clear cylindrical tube containing a burnt end and gave it to a cop, but the crack pipe was not hers, explained Flores,

who said that the item was owned by a female friend who was driving the car that had been pulled over. Flores claimed that her pal threw the crack pipe on her lap and asked her to hide the item when a patrolman began following them. Flores then hid it inside of her vagina in an attempt to avoid a search. It's a good move. It's a pretty good move. Would you hide something inside of your asshole, gentlemen, if you were in that situation?

Yes. Of course. No. No, I'm with Eddie. She's a crack pipe. What are you going to get? You get like a night in jail. So she already copped to the crack.

She copped to coke. Coke. She copped to coke, yeah. But then she was like, but I can't get caught with this crack pipe. I bet her friend's on probation. Can't get caught with anything. Yeah, that's what happened.

Yeah, but Mr. Eagle, you said that you would. Yeah. You would shove it up your ass? Yeah, yeah, I mean, you know, why not? But at that point, though, so if she was found with it, the friend was found with it, she would go immediately to jail. But what happens to the friend that is found with it?

Doesn't she also immediately go to jail? Yeah, she's charged with introducing contraband into a correctional facility along with drug possession and tampering with evidence locked up in lieu of $11,000 bond. Flores has previously been busted for theft, cocaine, possession, credit card fraud, and resisting arrest. It was her. I feel like at that point, if that was thrown at me, I would just throw it in the back of the car. Yeah. Well, if you're fucked, you're fucked, and I don't want to be fucked. Yeah. Well, they probably wouldn't have freaked out if they would have stayed cool. They would have been fine. it in the back of the car. If you're fucked, you're fucked. I don't want to be fucked.

If they wouldn't have freaked out, if they would have stayed cool, they would have been fine. She tried throwing the coke out the window. The cop saw the coke right out the window. They were acting shady with a crack pipe up her vagina. If they would have just cooled out... It's a lot of business to... I assume she's wearing a skirt. Has to.

It's still a lot of business. It's sort of like... You can suck it a skirt. Has to. It's still a lot of business. It would definitely be for me. You can suck it up if you need to. You just hold your nose. I just pray to God they hadn't used it anytime soon, though. Because if they had used it anytime... It'd be hot.

Oh, Lord. Crack pipe's got to get real hot. Oh, Lord. I got pulled over to get real hot. Oh, Lord. I got pulled over in high school when I was driving hammered one time after a play. We had the party afterwards. We were driving home hammered. I had this one kid puking in my back seat, and the cops pulled me over, and the girl next to me took the weed and hid it in her vagina. God bless her.

And did you smoke it afterwards? Yeah, of course. Yeah, no, it's just a good pocket. We're all friends. Yeah. I mean, it's where the babies come out. I mean, it's like, would you not smoke weed that came out of a vagina? Oh, absolutely.

I'm just concerned about it getting wet. Oh, I mean, it was in a bag. Okay, well, I mean, even so, if it's up in there for long enough, it's probably not in like an airtight bag. Well, it's like she was fucking horny. Yeah, waiting for the cop to go. She's like, oh, I'm wet. I'm wet while the cop is here.

Some women get excited. You know, like when there's exciting, like sort of a, like, you know, espionage and danger going on. The round dad, nothing's going on. Holden, how would you act if you had a crack pipe up your ass? How would I act if I had a crack pipe up my ass? Yeah, it's like, I just threw a crack pipe at you. Oh, my God, there's something in my ass for the first time besides shit.

You can't say it. You can't say that. Officer, officer, don't look in my ass. Wait, you've never had anything in your ass? Nothing, sir. Not a digit. Nothing. An enema?

Not a. Butt plug. Doctor. No. Colonoscopy. Absolutely not. Thermometer. No.

You're going to ask, have you had a thermometer? Maybe I was a little baby. I don't know, though. You're going to have to get the colonoscopy. Yes. You're going to ask, have you had a thermometer? Maybe I was a little baby. I don't know, though. You're going to have to get the colonoscopy. Yes. You're going to have to get the colonoscopy. My one weakness had found it. The clock's ticking anyway.

I mean, like, I don't know how old you are, but eventually you're just going to have to start getting one every year. So, yeah, what age do I have to be? 40. 40. Okay. And every year they do. Unless you've already had, like, some scare or whatever.

You've got to get it. You've got to get it up there. Yeah. Although, apparently, as long as you don't Eat beforehand It's okay That's the problem I got a dirty ass

Yeah The dirt They're used to it They're fine with that stuff But I did have a friend That wanted to go for a cleanse And they were like You can't eat

But she was really hungry So she ate a bagel And she got 20 minutes in, and it was the most excruciating pain of her entire life, so she had to stop. Wait, why? Because she ate. So there was food inside of her intestines that was being gripped through her intestines and through her asshole that you're supposed to not eat for, I think it's like 12 hours, 16 hours beforehand.

What? Before you get a colonoscopy. Get the shit sucked out of you. Oh, because they suck it out. They suck it out. I thought it was just that the doctor put his finger up there and that's prostate exam. Oh, okay, yeah.

When do you have to get that? When you're 40. 40, 40. Okay. It's all 40. Once you hit 40, you have to get all your internal... Everything's got to go up your ass. Yeah, but I got to get my fucking butt squeezed to death.

That's a pleasure. I have to have children. No, I did. That's what you get. You start putting stuff up your ass now, and then by the time you get there, it's no big deal. Then it's easy. That's the thing. I feel like you've got to start loosening up.

It's also not that bad. It's great. I mean, if it's done right. It's not like the good old days when they used an hand eater. It's great. I mean, if it's done right. It's not like the good old days when they used an anteater. It's great. Although, that would be fun. There's a bristly tube coming up there. Hoping maybe there's a bug up there.

So its tongue is sort of telescoping out of its... Is it just the tongue or the whole snout? I don't know how they work. I would say snout because the tongue comes out. But the snout, I think, has to feel the room, make sure there's something in there. I just hope it can breathe through its eyes. Ant eaters are cute. They're cute.

I do love ant eaters. Good. Good, good, good, good, good. Fantastic. Are we continuing on? Let's continue on with one more news story. A 27-year-old man who last night summoned police to his South Carolina home explained that he dialed 911 because his mother was mad and yelling at him

for consuming the last of the methamphetamine in their house. It is a meth week, everybody. It's really, it's meth, it's crack, it's coke, it's everything. Where in South Carolina? Did they say the town? The town is Spartanburg. Oh, that's a shithole. Well, according to Spartanburg County Sheriff's Office report,

Nicholas Johnson greeted a deputy with a string of profanities upon the cop's arrival at the Inman home he shares with his mother. After calming down, Johnson advised that he called for law enforcement because his mother was mad and yelling at him for smoking all the methamphetamine. Johnson added that he had finished off the meth stash about an hour before the cop's arrival. While conversing with the deputy, Johnson again began to yell and curse at his mother,

who was standing on the home's porch. When Johnson ignored the deputy's final warning about creating a disturbance within earshot of several neighbors, he was arrested for disorderly conduct. Not for meth. No, he'd already smoked all the meth. Oh. Yeah, so they had nothing to take him in on. Yeah, that's the whole point of the story is that he already smoked all the meth. Yeah, so they had nothing to take him in on. That's the whole point of the story is that you already smoked all the meth.

You know what? I gotta say, all this stuff's going on these days. Cops should have just beat him. Cops should have just beat the guy. The cops should have beat the guy first. Yeah, don't take him in and just beat the shit out of the guy. Yeah, it is home for smoking meth. I miss my parents.

Do your parents smoke meth uh yes very much uh no they're normal but you're quotating people but i'm glad i don't live with them because i feel like this is kind of what happens when you have like a very close no boundaries relationship with your parents so you're saying that if you still lived at home that you would possibly do meth with your i would be living in a town of 3,000 in South Carolina. I would definitely be doing meth. Yeah. What else would I do? She gets fucking bored. Do your parents know? Downton Abbey? No.

Have they ever thought about it? Yeah. Yeah. Keep on him, Jackie. Keep grilling him. We gotta get South Carolina. You don't know what's gonna happen. Can we get him on the line right now, John? Yeah. Alright, now it's time for a segment from Old McNeely. You don't know what's going to happen. Can we get him on the line right now, Josh? Yeah, on the line.

All right, now it's time for a segment from Old McNeely. Magic. I don't even know what the segment is. The endless mystery, the one we all wish to define. Well, tonight we'll all be putting a magic show on, doing a one single magic trick for our judge, Marcus Park, eccentric billionaire, magic enthusiast extraordinaire.

Big fan. You only get one trick, and you've got to come up with the best one, all right? My trick is this. Bring a beautiful lady out. Massive tits. Tits for days. Tits so big, everyone's like, where's the show? I can't see it because it's behind those tits.

And I say, watch and wonder, ladies and gentlemen. Watch and look. Look and see. And then I'll big smoke cloud woman no breasts anymore. I make her breasts disappear. Oh. Right? That's a horrible trick. No, no, no, no, no, no. But then I turn around and I say,

and now the tits are on me! And I've got huge succulent tits and I take them off and I play with them and I make her suck on her the tits are on me and I've got huge succulent tits and I take them off and I play with them and I make her suck on her own tits that are now on me and it's corny and it's awesome and you'll pay millions to see it Ed. Thousands

and millions of dollars just for one moment to look at it. I hate magic. Kevin, it's your turn. Everyone loves magic. It's great. It's a secret. It's awesome. It's a fucking lie, it's your turn. Yeah, everyone loves magic. It's great. It's a secret. It's awesome.

Fucking lie. It's a secret. It's a lie. They're all liars. I'm not going to tell you. I put breasts on me. That's for sure. Well, I think, you know, obviously the trick that you do is you make the whole crowd shit

their pants at the same time, but not fully, you know? Just a little turtle poking through a little bit, right? It's embarrassing nobody says anything to anybody. No one knows the trick even happened. That's magic. Ooh, I like that a lot. Jackie, your trick. I hate that I'm earlier than normal. Yes, please.

Thank you. So I was thinking, so I do a big television program where I go back to your hometown house, the one that was sold, the one that you can't go back to. And I say, all right, you look at this house, you're never going to go inside it again. However, what if I take your house, and I put it in Brooklyn, New York?

Where? Which neighborhood? In Bushwick. I cleared out. I pummeled a bunch. I killed a bunch of people. Do it. I took a bunch of the apartment houses away.

And that's where I left the ranch, just the house of the ranch. But it does also include a body double of your mother and father that lives there as well. Oh, Jesus. So you can only go and visit. You can't live there, but you can go and visit whenever you want. Can he crash over there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He can crash there.

Okay, I can crash there. Okay, he can crash there whenever you want. Like, if you're in the neighborhood. I would say it's probably, like, off the edge. It's very convenient to you. Morgan or Jefferson. So if you need to crash there. Yes. Oh, I'm asking to you. Morgan or Jefferson? Yes.

I'm asking. What? Morgan or Jefferson? Morgan. Oh, Morgan's nicer than Jefferson. I know. That's why you take out all those fucking factory buildings and then in the morning you would also get a home-cooked breakfast. You'd still get the same

like, you know, dad yelling at you, but it's exactly the same, like, you know, dad yelling at you. Yeah. But it's exactly what you want, and then you can just tumble on home. But they're not your actual parents. They're just fake parents that live there that are just like your parents. That's creepy as shit, but I kind of like it. So mine is, I'm going to do some small, like, close-up magic,

you know, prestidigitation. And it's going to be, you some small like close-up magic you know press the digitation and uh it's it's gonna be you know i'll lay out the green felt and um this is for marcus right and yeah i lay out the green felt and and i i ask um you know for your wallet and like i go through and you don't have pictures in your wallet do you no so i go through and and uh and i replace all your credit cards with like pictures of you that have taken a long lens camera from across the street or through a little crosshair. And then I'm like, give me $50 and then I get $50 for you and then I just extort you indefinitely. Nice.

Just extortion. Well, it's sleight of hand. I mean, I'm Putting stuff in your wallet You know like It's kind of what magic is anyway Yeah Yeah I guess so Ed Larson

Your trick I know you hate it And I love that you hate it What's your trick? I'd go to a magician's What are they called When everyone gets together Conference

Like a magician's conference I believe they call it A chardonnay When all I'm going to go to the magician's That's why I hate them so much I'd go to the magician's conference. I believe they called it Chardonnay. I'm going to go to the magician's. That's why I hate them so much. I'd go to the magician's Chardonnay and then it'd mean a couple of buddies.

We'd chain all the doors shut from the outside like the building on fire and prove that they can't escape from shit. Very good. The trick is in the trick. Oh, Marcus. Who's breast disappearing act? The prestige.

It's all fake! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Yes! Weird. You sound like... Most magicians are not like, I have actual magical powers. They're all escape artists and shit like that.

Good luck, fucker. Yeah, they're liars. Yeah, the chain link isn't cracked on this one. I don't know. I think I would like to be in on the shit magic trick and just watch like 200 people shift uncomfortably in their seat all at the same time. Exactly, man.

Did Kevin Barnett just win? Because you think about it, you charge $60 for the regular tickets, right? But then the people that get to be in on it, that's another $500. Oh, my God. I didn't realize you were Schindler's List over here. I'm talking about ending in art form.

No, I love it. I absolutely love it. Hey, you just called it in art form. It's fucking trash. There you go. Well, there it goes. And the queen has the last word. Ah, the queen does have the last word.

I shall marry every fair boy once he hits the age of 12. Whoa! And he will be mine and forever and ever his dick shall enter my oink hole. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. You can find me at Twitter

at Jack the Worm. And Joe, dear Joe. And Joe. Joe Stanton. Dear Joe. Yeah, at Joe Stanton. At Joe Stanton at Twitter. God, such a clout. And what's the name of your show? Oh, it's called Dear God, That's Stone Cold's Music. Last Wednesday of every month at Bunga's Den.

Bunga's Den? Yeah. 8 p.m. Eddie? At Eddie Toons. Instagram, baby. Bumping the numbers. I got some good pics.

Why are you bumping it? Because I'm fine. I feel good about my Twitter, you know, Facebook. I got too many friends there. You know, it's Bumping the numbers. I got some good pics. Why are you bumping it? Because I'm fine. I feel good about my Twitter, you know, Facebook. I got too many friends there. You know, let's bump these Instagram. I just started out. Let's fucking pump it. Let's pump it.

Why are you bumping it? And come see Murder Fist June 11th at the Pit Loft, the old pit on 29th Street. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We're doing it for June. If you want to come from out of town, it's going to be a fucking cool show with a party afterwards. Fuck yeah, we'll be. Plan now. It's June 11 Yeah. Oh, yeah. We're doing it for June. If you want to come from out of town, it's going to be a fucking cool show with a party afterwards. Fuck yeah, we'll be.

Plan now. It's June 11th. It's going to be a fucking cool time. Yeah, absolutely. I used to go to the Pitloff show all the time. I fucking love those shows. Exactly. I'll be at that one.

Rock and roll. You got beautiful Marcus Parks. What's the name of your show? The Lucky Bone Show. The Lucky Bone Show. Yeah, mixcloud.com slash Marcus Parks. And go ahead and follow me on Instagram as well, at Marcus Sparks. I just got followed by Monsters Holdin' Bitches.

I'm doing good. Monsters Holdin' Bitches is like the best Instagram account around. I'm fucking doing great. I don't know what that means, but it sounds really great. It's Monsters Holdin' Bitches. See, it sounds like Monsters Holdin' Bitches. Oh, Holdnators Ho on Twitch, which I'll be leaving

right now to go do. Also, Hold Nader's Ho on the Fight Network Street Fighter V. Go listen to his show. He and his beautiful, amazing girlfriend are going to go battle a monster? I don't fucking know. Go watch the show.

Yeah, Fatboy Barnett, man, if you hear this in time, starting the show this Wednesday, the 13th at House of Yes at 8 p.m. Cicadas. It will not be good. It has so far been a disaster. You're saying cicadas like the bug cicadas? You named it off a failed bug.

Yeah. They only come around every 17 years. No, but they're really good bugs, though. They die in two days. Yeah, but when you hear the cicadas. Yeah, but they fuck a lot bugs, though. They die in two days. Yeah, but when you hear the cicadas. Yeah, but they fuck a lot. Yeah, and you know it's summer. Yeah.

It's not summer, though. It's spring, so I don't know why you chose that name. I don't know either. But I am on top of it. So fucking follow all of it. I did it. I did Kissel's job. I am Queen Kissel for the night.

I will never fuck Kissel. I am not his queen. I am my own queen. So tune in. Dancing queen. Thatissel. I'm not his queen. I am my own queen. Dancing queen. That was powerful. I'm not a dancing queen. I'm more a sitting and drinking queen. Fist pumping queen. Yeah! I'll see everybody

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