The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 284: Little Bobbies

Episode Date: April 19, 2016

The gang is joined by Danny Tamberelli and Lance Weiss to compare types of fart sprays, hear about recent lawn mower related deaths, and learn what types of vehicles are (and are not) okay to operate while drunk.

The round table. Gentlemen. Aye. Let's broaden our minds. Ladies and gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day, what's the topic of discussion?

Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Alright, we ready to juice? We're good. Are we live. We ready to juice? Are we live? Can people hear us? Yeah, they've been hearing us this whole time. Oh, have they? If you fucking repeat anything that I said, I will find you and I will murder you.

Oh, no. They know about your top five sadnesses. I thought that was actually just between us. No, I told you we were live. No, I didn't hear that. I said we were live. Well, I didn't hear it, so whatever.

Top five sadnesses. Holden was four and five. Yeah, four and five. Living with him was four and five. Six people heard it. Okay, good. Well, that's a nice amount of people there. That's good.

Ben, you're praying. All right, this is the round table of gentlemen. Dear Lord, thank you so much for everyone here and all that stuff. And I sent some emails to my father about how terrible he was to me as a child, so I'm sorry about that. Okay. It's been a rough weekend, I'm just going to say. It's not a confession.

I mean, just pray. Prayers are technically confessions. No, they're not. Yeah, they are. They're hopes for the future. No, they're not. Confession's confession. Prayer is a confession.

It could be a confession if he wants it to be a confession. It starts with something everybody says, like, forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been blah, blah, blah since. So does that mean that it becomes a prayer because you just keep repeating it? Amen. All right. So this is the roundtable of gentlemen. I got to know more about this email, though.

What's in the morning was it sent? Did he respond? No, he's not going to respond. I mentioned a very terrible incident. Thank you, Eddie. You're overweight. Okay, that's funny. That's it?

I don't know. Eddie, your health isn't great. It's fine. It's great. It looks great. My blood pressure's lower than it should be. Wow. This is nice.

How does that happen? I had no idea. Hey, Marcus, can you rib Eddie really quick? Oh, Eddie, your blood pressure's lower than it should be, you stupid fucker. Fuck you, Marcus. You got it. Don't get a mat, Marcus.

I got a mat. I got a mat. He's got a sweat. I got a mat. You are fierce, Marcus. Wow. That was a fucking dagger through the heart. That was so good. I had too much Dark Souls, man.

You come in with that fire. Yeah. So anyway. So yes, I'm not speaking with my parents, but I am getting a body contour surgery at the end of the year. Jackie, you're here. What does that mean? That's where they cut you around your waist and they lift up

your skin like a pair of pants. No, they're going to smooth them out. They smooth me out. Pull it back and staple it to your back. It's 10K. It's actually what Kanye's mother died from. Kanye's mother died from it, so I'm going to live and then I'll become his mother. Where are you going to get $10,000?

I work at Fox News. I'll become his mother. Where are you going to get $10,000? I work at Fox News. I got all the money. I'm King Fox News. I gotta advise against this. Oh my God, I showed a girl Bill O'Reilly studio. Not exactly going to get me laid. Yeah. Bill O'Reilly is not going to get anyone

laid. Nice guy. Doesn't matter. I don't believe that at all. All right, it doesn't matter. Marcus, edit all that out. I'd love to pants him. You want to pants him? I want to pants him. That's what I was talking about with the body contour surgery.

I don't want to see his dick. I want to show it to everybody. Okay. He's got a big ass. He's got a big ass. Yeah, you do it from behind. But wrinkled old man ass is the worst part of an old man's body. No.

I think so. It's not even the peen because their skin hangs down so low you can't see the peen. It don't matter. California raisins, it looks like. Danny Tamberelli is with us. I know we have to go through the intros and everything like that. Shut up, Ben. I feel like today's for you.

Oh, today's for me? Today's for you. Okay, nice. Danny, old man ass. Old man ass? It's fine with me. I'm aspiring to have old man ass. Hell yeah. Very good. You think it's going to sag that much? I feel like the best part about being- I don with me. I'm aspiring to have old man ass. Hell yeah.

Very good. You think it's going to sag that much? I feel like the best part about being- I don't know. I think because I'm fat, I don't know if it's going to sag so much. That's the best part. I feel like the best part about being a bigger person. Yeah.

It's just going to stay there. Yeah. Y'all are fucked. Ben, you should have stayed fat. Thank you, Danny. All right. Lance Weiss is with us as well. Then he wouldn't lose 10K.

No, I know. Well, that's true. I mean, I literally got so fucking fat. I deserve it, though. I deserve to have to pay $10,000 to get my body back in order. I should have just never gotten fat. I was wondering, why did I get fat in the first place, Kevin? I don't got the answers for you, man.

You lived in Wisconsin. I am fat now, but I used to be hugely fat. I just don't know why I got so fat. Because it tastes good. It tastes good. I don't know why I got so fat. It tastes good. I don't know. It tastes good. I don't know why. All of it tastes good.

Because you were a wrestler, you were carb loading the entire time you were a wrestler. Then you stopped working out, but you kept eating just as much. That's right. We've talked a lot, Marcus. Why don't you just fucking start taking some steroids and just get shredded, dude? But I had a buddy who started taking steroids and he didn't work out. He got fat. He got real fat.

He did steroids wrong? Yeah, he just didn't work out. He just took steroids and he got mad and fat. With little nuts. His name was Hyman. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Wow.

He's meant to be broken. I remember there was a kid. Oh really? Yeah yeah Wow He's meant to be broken Yeah Broken guy There was a dude

In middle school And he was like He was doing steroids In middle school And he was already Just like a fucking man In like 6th grade He was huge

But he was so angry All the time And one time A kid owed him a dollar And he beat him With a hammer And beat this kid Yeah you gotta

Take it a check then That's in Florida? Yeah, it's in Florida. Yeah, that makes sense. That'll happen. All this is in Florida. Over a dollar, man. Getting beat with a hammer sounds awful.

By a dude on steroids. Oh, my God. What's the point of steroids if you got to use a hammer to beat someone up? I don't know. Good point. So, obviously, we know Jackie is here. We know Ed is here. Hello.

How you doing? How you holding? Sorry for the interruption. It's a Nader time. I don't know. I don't even have shout outs this week. You're welcome. Thank God.

Everybody's sick of it, including myself. But hopefully next week we'll get a couple more shout outs. Oh, so no one even asked. I don't know. It's a good week for me. Dark souls. I don't have time to look. Isn't that where they ask when you're playing the video game? Doesn't a little screen pop up and they say, hey fucker, all that stuff? You turn it off.

You put it away. Nobody cares about you anymore. Don't tell the kids when you're playing. The kids can see when I'm playing, Chip. They know not to mess. They know Big Papa is going to get angry and upset at them. Because words hurt. Words hurt. Words hurt.

Not mean and mad on the internet. I don't care who I call fat. No, you're not that bad. Man, when we were trolling you and Henry pretty hard. You guys trolled me hard. We got you guys. They got him. And you were so upset.

You're like, why were they saying it? Jackie went on Twitch. Jackie went into the chat and Twitch is holding Nator's No during Henry and I's Twitch stream. She messed us. I trolled them so hard. It felt so good. She did a really good job. Didn't you also make a joke about how you were going to rape his sister, which is you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. To death? Yeah, yeah. It was all those zombies. I was like, yeah, I bet you wish that zombie was sister. So your penis would just rip through her body, just like I'm going to do to her. Right. And everyone would have thought it would be you psychotic enough to make a joke about

her own rape. Well, whenever Jackie masturbates, she moans the word no. Right. Exactly. And followed by whimpers of Henry. Oh my God, Jackie. What is wrong with you? You're almost off the podcast for that.

No, you can't kick me off the podcast for that. I know there was a coup in the last episode where you tried to host. Oh, man. Princess Jackie reigned. But I got to say, I never want to do it again. You do a great job. I hate doing it every day. You do a great job, Kissel.

Thank you so much, Jackie. All right. That was nice. I said a great job. I hate doing it every day. You do a great job, Kissel. Thank you so much, Jackie. All right. That was nice. I said a nice thing. That was nice. Thank you. Lance Weiss, you're here. Hello.

Yeah. Is it Weiss or Weiss? My family says Weiss. All right. Yeah, but we spelled Weiss. Okay, we'll do Weiss. Yeah. And then Kevin, you're here also.

I'm here, man. Oh, yeah. I saw a fucking Second Ed in Nashville. What do you mean? I saw that photo. I saw it because I wanted a full body picture. He was greasier than me. No, but he was dressed exactly how you would dress,

and he fucking talked exactly like you, man. It was weird. His hat was backwards. I guess that's what Bizarro would do. Bizarro hat. Yeah, I have to say, I do not like the backward hat. The whole fucking point is the brim keeps out the light. Right.

That's the whole fucking point of a hat. You wear it backwards, you're an idiot. No, man, you're telling the wrong of a fuck about light. That's what it's about. I'm looking around the room. Everyone who is wearing a hat has the hat forward, and I think that's a good sign that we're surrounded by good people. I'm not allowed to wear a hat backwards

because I look like Chunky Brewster. I'm like, hey, guys! What if the sun's coming from the back, though? The sun's coming from the back? You're sailing, and yeah. You're a turban. Jackie, did people call you Chunky Brewster when you were growing up?

Yes. They called you Chunky Brewster. Henry did. Of course he did. Henry did. Yeah, he would always get rid of one of my socks because I guess she wore two different colored socks.

He's like, she's Chunky Brewster. Punky Brewster, though. It was Punky Brewster. Yeah, but I'm fat. I was fat. But she's over with. You don't even have red hair.

I don't know. I never saw the fucking show. I hated the show. Didn't she have red hair? She was adopted. Yeah. Oh, she was adopted? She was adopted

and she had red hair. I'm thinking of Pippi Longstocking. Oh, I love Pippi. Hot. I would rather be hot. Way hot. Yeah, she was adopted? She was adopted, and she had red hair. I'm thinking of Pippi Longstocking. Oh, I love Pippi. Hot. I would rather be hot than Pippi. Yeah, with the freckles and the donkey. Anyway, Kevin, what are you doing with your life? Love a girl with a donkey.

Oh, man, you know, just hanging out and shit, dude. Yeah, going from place to place, playing Dark Souls like these two. Yeah. You know. Good. I just found out about that game today. Yeah. From you guys.

From you guys. Me too. Let's talk about it for an hour. Shut the fuck up. No more. Yeah. From you guys. From you guys. Me too. Let's talk about it for an hour. Shut the fuck up. No more. It'll break you, man. It will break all of you. I'll destroy every one of us.

I thought Fallout 4 was the big deal. No. It was, but now Dark Souls 3 is the big deal. Fallout 4 is for disturbed women who vomit to lose weight. What was the name of your character in Mighty Ducks, Danny? Huh? What was the name of your character in Mighty Ducks, Danny? What was the name of your character in Mighty Ducks? Tommy Duncan. Why do you want to know? It's one of the myths, right?

Yeah, I read an article. Wait, what was the myth? There was a myth about that, about the Mighty Ducks. Yeah, the myth about the Mighty Ducks is Y and V. Did it ever actually happen? I read a whole article. It doesn't happen in real life. In your fanciful movies? I read the whole article. It doesn't happen in real life. Okay.

In your fanciful movies. I read an article. What are we at, Fox News right now? What are you trying to nail him against the wall? He wants to vote for Bernie? You vote for Bernie? I'm going to vote for Bernie. That's fine.

Everyone should vote their interests. That's nice. You should vote their interests. That's nice. Stop it. You are such a creep. No one at home can see the smile on his face. Lips look like two snakes that want to jump on his face. He's the only one who's not from our species. Whatever. I don't even know if the show is good or not.

This one. This one. It's good. Yeah. Yeah, it's fun. I'm enjoying myself. Okay, good, Marcus. Oh, yeah.

Should we do a news story? Yeah, let's do a news story. A Georgia man is facing several criminal counts after allegedly discharging a can of liquid ass fart spray inside a bar. Patrons at the whiskey-bent bar fled the establishment early Saturday morning due to a putrid odor inside the Athens business. Several customers noted, quote, how bad it stunk inside the bar when police arrived at the bar around 1.40 a.m.

Witnesses fingered Blake Zingo, 20, in connection with the fart spray discharge. How'd they get their fingers up his penis? Good call, Jackie. Good joke. I like fart spray. I'm a huge fan of fart spray, and I kind of love this guy. I don't think you should get in trouble for spray, although they did lose a lot of business. Yeah, it completely cleared out the place.

Have you guys ever been to Athens? That main strip just smells like shit and piss anyway. So I don't know how much different it would actually smell. It's a classic city, not music city. Right? Uh, I don't know what the actual term is, but there's a lot of music there. Yeah. I mean, you know what, so this kid now, was it felony charges? No.

No, no, no, not at all. Upon confronting Zingo, cops noted that the underage partier appeared quote, very inebriated, and he was slurring his speech, while Zingo denied any wrongdoing. A female patron told police that Zingo had sprayed her in the face with the fart spray. You're 20 years old.

You're at a bar. You're trying to court a woman. You spray her with fart spray. She got got, man. She got got. I like this guy. I say get him some more fart spray. Yeah, you're Zingo. Zingo. Here's a picture're Zingo. Zingo.

Here's a picture of Zingo. So he's a redhead. Couldn't have guessed it. He's a college student. Yeah. At the University of Georgia. That's what it is. You could have read me this story and I could have closed my eyes and given a description

to the cops and it would have looked just like that. See, what he did wasn't even that bad. I think I've mentioned this before. When I was in college, if I went in a bar and I was trying to dance with a girl, she wouldn't dance with me. I'd fart on her and walk away. That ruins your evening. That's real fecal matter right there. That's real fecal matter.

It's so much worse. It's so much worse. They don't last as long as the spray. The spray will stick to you. What's in the spray? I don't know. It's like old eggs. No, it's not actual eggs.

A subsequent search of Zango recovered a bottle of liquid ass in his front pocket. I love it. That's the official name of it is liquid ass. You got that liquid ass there, boy? I almost wonder if he forgot it initially and he went back to get it. He was like, I'm going out tonight. I'd be like, oh, shit. I forgot my liquid ass.

I get cologne on my ass. Oh my god. Come on, he keeps it attached to his keychain. It sticks next to your deodorant and your cologne and then liquid ass. Jackie, what do you think? You're a gal, guy sprays you with liquid ass, you marry him, huh? I mean, I would at

least force him to neck on me for a while. Like, you want it? You want to taste it? And I would just shove my face into his mouth. Yeah, you had to lick it off then. That's fine. We need to start making liquid pussy. Yeah, that's a good point. Well, technically, both men and women have

ass. What about the crop dice? Jesus Christ. We do have a guy here, Dave. He is a loud audience member But that's okay We don't mind the energy Bernie Sanders We'll be voting for him on Tuesday

So take that With a grain of salt Everything he says Is Good I'm a Hillary boy Propaganda Propaganda Kissel

I love Hillary I just want Bill to get back in there Yeah He's a fucking party animal He's a cremation ground He's starting to lose his mind, though. Have you seen it recently? Yeah, he's going crazy. He's yelling at me.

Anyway. He's not saxophone Bill anymore. I want Bill to get pussy again, man. The only way that's going to happen is we get his ass back in the White House. Yeah. It'll be big. Marcus, you were saying? Oh, I was just saying this is what the creators of Liquid Ass have to say on their official

website, liquidass.com, they say Liquid Ass is an overwhelming, stinky, funny prank product. Once unleashed, this power-packed, super-concentrated liquid begins to evaporate, filling the air with a genuine foul butt-crack smell, with hints of dead animal and fresh poo. The funny pranks you can pull with liquid ass are unlimited. Watching the facial grimaces of people and hearing their comments about the part your hair gag and stench will

have you laughing until it hurts. The next time you have the urge for a funny prank or if you need to get the party started, reach for a bottle of liquid ass. It ends the party. Everyone leaves the party. That's the problem, right? I do want to meet the people who Everyone leaves the party. That's the problem, right?

I do want to meet the people who just sit in it. Who just spray the liquid acid and then we party. How do they test that when they're making it? They're just disgusting. They gotta make it somewhere, right? It's just like 20 dudes in a room. You're covered in shit there. It's like a 5 ratio of shit.

Here's a little bit of poo. What's a chemical makeup, right? Add the poo guy over a little more. Give me a little more poo. I feel like if they could just come up

with a formula that wasn't like a bar clearing, it'd be a lot more fun. You know? If it was just a little shit smell like you would smell

when someone farts, you know? Not an ed level fart smell. Yeah, that's room clearing. Yeah! Holy hell. Like a vape fart? Yeah, like's room clearing. Yeah, baby. Holy hell. Like a vape fart?

Yeah, like a vape fart. Like a tiny lady fart. Like a fun fart. Yeah, a fun, silent little bobby. Maybe there's three dudes on there. A bobby? I don't know. Yeah, you don't call your farts bobbies?

I don't know. The ones that are quiet and don't smell quite as bad? No, no. My little bobbies. I'm putting little bobbies out there. What is that? No, no. My little bobbies. I'm putting little bobbies out there. No. Oh, man. The comment section on liquidass.com.

This guy is... All five stars, by the way. All five stars. This shit just clears the room. Yeah, this is what user Bone said he did. He said, just got done locking my workmate into a closet, then spraying it under the door with a syringe. He was laughing and puking at the same time.

It really smells like butthole. Puking. He's puking. What a product. Move over, Newton. I mean, this is the invention of our lifetime. It's beautiful. I imagine they could write a commercial for homeless people, too.

It's like, want a quiet place to sleep in a train car by yourself? But you have too much dignity to shit your own pants? Leave it at that. Oh, my God. That happens. Strategy, man. That's a New York experience people do not understand. You are not the lucky one if there is no one on the train but one person.

Man, I remember when I went to South of the Border in South Carolina. That's a weird place. I love that place. It wasn't like liquid ass, but I got stink bombs. Would you remember those? They were like the actual glass that you had to throw on the ground and break. Yeah, great. It's like sulfur.

Yeah, I had a whole bunch of those. I got like a big case of them. Me and my buddy Corey Braslow just had a kid the other day. Hello, Pierce. Welcome to the earth. His name is Pierce? Pierce, yeah. Pierce Atlas Braslow. Cool name, right? Great name. Yeah, but anyway, so me and Pierce's daddy, Corey, we used

to always go to the flat. We used to always stink bomb the flower store because we found it ironic. Yeah, that's great. That's good. I'm happy. There's a poetic thing to it. Oh, they get another product called Barfume. This is really just kind of a niche market for them.

Barfume provides a powerful puke smell that can last hours. That's awful. It's much cheaper than liquid ass, too. Yeah, it's a little cheaper. Yeah, you can get... Is it cheaper? Why is the barf cheaper than liquid ass too Yeah it's a little cheaper Is it cheaper? Why is the barf cheaper than the ass? It's a blind demand But everybody barfs not everyone vomits

I think the vomit is I think the vomit is a more unique odor than the fart I think the vomit should be more expensive Vomit's not funny It's just sad It's upsetting Oh and by the way you can get it in a dropper or a mister Vomit's not funny. It's just a sad. It's upsetting, yeah.

Oh, and by the way, you can get it in a dropper or a mister. So if you want to just drop it around a room, then you can do that. Or if you just want to fucking spray it at somebody and run away. What would be a practical use for the puke spray? Vomit's revenge, right? Vomit smells revenge. Shit smell is a funny, funny, hilarious strength. We all love it.

It gets the party going. All the girls are like, it smells like farts here. Better get my tits out. However, it's like, hey, you cheated on me with everybody. You cheated on me with every single dude I know and my dad. Your pillow and your cat's going to smell like puke for the next couple months. Jackie, you mentioned breasts. Your thoughts? I have and my dad. Your pillow and your cat's gonna smell like puke for the next couple months. Jackie, you mentioned breasts. Your thoughts?

I have breasts, yes. You are the owner of two. Vomit or fart? I don't like it. I don't like either one of them. Jackie, let me ask you. Are you interested in Tex ass? No.

At first, it smells like barbecue. But then the old familiar ass smell starts to take over. That smells good. The end result is a powerful smoky butt smell that can last for hours. I mean, the crazy thing is there has to be... Yeah, they are scientists. That's what I was just thinking. I mean, you have to have a nose for it.

I mean, they have to have tried these things out multiple times to make sure they have the correct concoction. I mean, what a bizarre thing to have to go through every single day. They're probably fucking married. Yeah, maybe they're married. It says the Tex-Ass Mr. Bottle provides an intense and accelerated barbecue-to-ass smell. How long does it take before it gets to the ass? How many sprays we get? It's accelerated.

I love barbecue. I know, but I don't like the ass part of it. And then you could also get the full Monty combo pack. That's $74.95. You can get two each of Barf Misters, Barf Streamers, Ass Misters, Ass Streamers, Tex Ass Misters, Tex Ass Streamers, and Bad Karma Misters. barf streamers, ass misters, ass streamers, text ass misters, text ass streamers, and bad karma misters.

So no liquid ass? Bad karma misters. Yeah, ass misters and ass streamers. Even no liquid ass. It is liquid ass. What's the difference between a mister and a streamer? A mister, a streamer is like a, kind of like, you know, with your squirty, like with the contacts. Yeah, you mix it with some Visine.

Fuck someone's day real bad. Fart eyes. Yeah, farty eyes. Yeah, they have farty eyes. Farty eyes. Fart eyes. Yeah, farty eyes. Yeah, farty eyes. I got it. Yeah, I love that song, Farty Eyes. I love that song, farty eyes. Isn't it Dirty Dancing?

Yeah. That's unfortunate. Yeah. I mean, I guess we have to be very proud of these people for inventing a product that theoretically nobody wants, but they're making a lot of money off of it. I'm just happy middle school me had no knowledge of this and the internet didn't exist. I found out what bad karma is, by the way. Don't want to be too offensive, but you really like the smell of ass.

Now we're getting kinky with it. Well, no, no, no. Bad karma is just liquid ass with a less offensive label. Oh, I see. Gotcha. See, this is bad karma. It's just got a little guru on it. Oh, okay.

It's only 12.50. That seems more offensive because it's just like an Indian man. It's more racist. It's very, I mean, it's offensive in a different way. Yeah, different kind of offensive. That's so you can leave it on the shelf. It's more racist. It's very, I mean, it's offensive in a different way. Yeah, different kind of offensive. That's so you can leave it on the shelf. Very discreet. Yeah.

Bad karma's the discreet one. Yeah. I like one called bad shawarma. Yeah, that'd be good. That's like diarrhea liquid ass. I like it. Where are they based out of? Let me see. Retailer. I was guessing Texas. That's a hell of a good question. It's got based out of? Let me see.

Retailer. I was going to say Texas. That's a hell of a good question. There's got to be two guys in their garage. Anybody let a stink bomb out ever? Did anybody do that? Oh, yeah. We used to do it all the time growing up.

I told you. Yeah. I got them all and I was throwing them all over. But it wasn't, I mean, clearing rooms. KB Toys I got one time. Cleared it? Fuck yeah. Yeah.

Everyone left, right? That guy at KB Toys, man, he hated us? fuck yeah yeah everyone left right? that guy at KB Toys man he hated us it's those little glass it's those little glass things right? no nah fuck them

what was that you're holding? it's those little glass things right that you can throw down right? little glass yeah that's what you were talking about

at South of the Border no? yeah that's right get them what do you know? this place is mostly sold at magic stores oh that makes sense

yeah magic stores novelty stores big hearted sense. Magic stores, novelty stores. Big Heart of John's. That's sleight of hand. You're like, oh, don't look at the, you know, you got to get them to look away from the cards. Spray some liquid on them. Yeah. Turn around.

You can do a magic trick. Was it the Ace of Spades? Yeah, funny trick. That's what the barbecue ass one's all about, man. That's magic right there. It's people that they say, like, they start smelling, ooh, I love to smell a barbecue. You breathe in. You keep breathing in harder.

You want to experience it. Then that ass hits you, man. It's how I do the trick is I spray a little liquid ass discreetly on the card that they chose, and then I just smell the deck. And the one card that smells like a fucking vile ass, that's the card that they picked, the nine of clubs. That's the card that they picked. The nine of clubs. That's how they do the tricks now. Well, I mean, you know, magic stores are full of nerds.

I mean, maybe it's an air of freshness. Full of lies. Yes, they are full of lies also. We're well aware of your opinions on magic. Magicians are nerdy liars. Burn them. No, you don't burn magicians. Yes, you do.

No, no, they're good people. No, they're liars. No them. No, you don't burn magicians. Yes, you do. No, no. They're good people. No, they're liars. No, they are showmen. They're officially liars. Yeah. Yes, but we know that they're lying. And they know that we know that they're lying. But how do we find out the truth?

Stupid people believe them. No, no, no, no. It's the psychics that are bad. It's the psychics. The ones that say they can talk to your dead loved ones. Whenever the psychics used to call the cheesesteak place And ask me what kind of soda we have I'm like shouldn't you fucking know you jerk off

And then they're like Coca-Cola Bye They're all just fucking with you Ed Yeah Eddie I think you're too fat to hate wizards Fuck wizards man Why? Wizards are magicians I get it But wizards don't fuck around with wizards.

You don't like magicians either? No, I love magicians. I'm just saying I'm comfortable with his magician but I'm not comfortable with his wizard. Give me a warlock any day. Alright? Yeah. Closest I come to magic is like in Lord of the Rings. There you go, Gandalf. Yeah, there's wizards in that. Yeah, I like Gandalf. There we go.

You gotta semi-clap for that. You gotta semi-clap, not. You got a semi-clap. Not bad. Fictional. Yeah. I just can't stop thinking about capturing the Freedmen. Now, every time I think about a clown or a magician, have you guys seen Capturing the Freedmen? I did.

It's a great documentary. It's on Netflix. Yeah. But now you really can't fucking trust them because they were all molesty, molesty. Molesty. You know it. Everyone's doing something. All right, Marcus.

What do you got going on? You have a smile on your face, which means you're reading something nefarious. Yeah, I got a three-star review. Which product? It's for liquid ass. It says,

my bitch-ass sister-in-law loves this shit. I can't believe it. I mean, honestly, continue on with it in a second. But who takes the time to review? It's liquid ass. So they had to buy it, and then they went to the website and took the time to type their emotional feelings. He even used it, though.

He says, she keeps using it while my bro and I sleep. Payback is a bitch when she gets home I'm having a field day and her new home is fucked Three stars It should be a fuck That's like a 60% He's having about a three star enjoyment But he had the two star negative

Because he was the victim at some point That's his fault Then why are you using it against the product That means the product was fruitful star negative because he was the victim at some point. That's his fault. Why are you using it against the product? The product was fruitful. That's why you're using it. And this is why Yelp is ruining the restaurant industry. I don't know about the clientele for liquid ass might not be the brightest.

And the guy going back to the story, the man did spray it in the woman's face and I think that was inappropriate. But if he would have just sprayed it in the woman's face, and I think that was inappropriate. Right. But if he would have just sprayed it in the bar. It's mace. Around, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. This is one from John, five stars. Says, this is a fun, fun prank to play. I work in a casino and have made many people gag, walking up and spraying backs of chairs. I've also tagged coworkers with it, my brother's girlfriend, and my oldest son. My wife and I love the hours of fun this is bringing. He's married? How does he have a wife?

Oh, my God. I'll never find love. Kisly, you've got to get liquid ass. I have to get liquid ass. You guys can go tandem spraying. Yes, that would be nice, something to bond the relationship. I think it's a good way to ground the child. Now, children, you say go to your room. It's a great thing. They've got the games there. They've way to ground the child. Now, children, you say, go to your room.

It's a great thing. They got the games there. They got computer, the internet. They can look up asses and tits and pussies and dicks and balls on the penises. But you spray some liquid ass in there on their favorite stuffed animal, on their iPad, and they're fucked. See, that's a good idea. Go one step further. You just spray the kid yeah

spray his ass you shame him at school for a week and they'll fucking do the dishes that's a great idea put in all their laundry so they don't know nothing is worse than being the smelly kid I'm gonna have to bring it back to the doctor again I don't want to tell you

that's a great idea you pay off the doctor sorry Timmy you smell like death I don't want to tell you. That's a great idea. You pay off the doctor. Sorry, Timmy, you smell like death. We think it's in his colon. We're going to have to go explore it today. Never mind, it's actually liquid ass. Well, they also have a quite extensive poo collection.

Fake poo collection. There's the premium fake human turd with corn and hair. Does it smell? No, you have to spray on the liquid ass afterwards. Oh, batteries not included. Yeah, batteries not included. Hold on. Okay, so can we just, what is the name of this company, Marcus?

Liquid Ass. Made in the goddamn USA. I have so much respect for them. It's amazing. Check out this fake dog, dude. There's the gambler. Yeah, look at that. It's amazing. Check out this fake dog dude. There's the gambler. Yeah, look at that. It says you got to know how to crap them.

These two guys made a lot of money in banking, and this is their startup. There's Monopoly. It's got Monopoly pieces in it. To me, it's like torture. These guys have to smell this ass all the time. They love it. They must love it. Okay. That's very nice. To me, it's like torture. These guys have to smell this ass all the time. They love it. They must love it.

Okay, so the Monopoly was $7.65. The other poo-poo piece we saw was $7.95. Why the discount? I don't know, but the Junkyard Dog is only $7.45.

Hey! Where are they coming up with these prices? Where's it going? They're doing the lowest... It's all based off of labor. Oh, I see. They're doing the Where are they coming up with these prices? It's all based off of labor. Oh, I see.

They're doing the lowest price possible, and they pass the savings on to you. Isn't that nice? And the poo, too. Yeah, and the poo, too. Well, the dice are expensive, man. Yeah, dice are pricey. Wow. All turds are handmade in our state-of-the-art ass factory. No two are alike.

That must be the funniest place in the world. I can cry. Jesus. And this one's only available in medium. Oh, come on. Do they sell out of the large? I want the guy at the casino to get fired for using liquid ass.

Oh, no. Another guy said that he sprayed it at work and they called two plumbers in to try to see what they could find. He said he would definitely lose his job if they found out what he did. I have a feeling he's probably on the verge anyway. I love to be that guy and then have you to apply for another job and be like, have you ever been let go

from anywhere? Have you heard of liquid ass? I like the idea that it's giving people work. Is it a prank? That's the sad thing. There's probably somebody who works in the liquid ass factory and that was the only job he could get and he's just tortured

every single day. People coming into his office and spraying him. Was that what you were saying? Getting fired from liquid ass? Oh no, the guy from the casino. Getting fired from liquid ass would be hilarious. When the guy from the casino. But yeah, if he fired liquid ass, it would be hilarious. I mean, when you come home from work, if you work at Arby's or any sort of, you smell like the establishment you work at, I mean, yeah, these people must come home smelling like

liquid ass. They have to. And Trump wants to sit here and say, oh, they're all bad people. If he spent a day in the liquid ass factory, he'd realize, you know what? Maybe it's best we keep the wall down. By the way, you can get a turd and ass combo for $21.

That's where you get the dog poo and the liquid ass. You save 39% if you get that deal. Do they have a piss product? No, they got no... Liquid piss is easier to come by. You can just piss? Yeah, you can just piss.

I come every time I see piss. Or cum. Do they have cum? No, they do not have cum. Yeah, no. It's just poo-poo. All right. Liquid piss?

No, liquid... It is liquid. Dry piss. That would be remarkable. Powdered piss. Dry ice? You mix it. But it doesn't have the odor. It doesn't. Dry piss. That would be remarkable. Powdered piss. Dry ice? You mix it. But it doesn't have the odor.

It doesn't have the punch. Yeah, I think the notion here is something. I think I'd rather smell shit than piss. No, no. Sometimes. I don't think so, Ed. I don't know. Sometimes.

Sometimes I'm really soaked in piss. I get nauseous. How many times are you around? I ride the subway. Yeah, we live here. Yeah, you ride the subway. People are soaked in piss all the time. I don't know? I'm right at the subway. Yeah, you're at the subway. People are soaked in piss all the time. I'm used to it.

Kissel works at Fox News now. Nobody smells like piss over there. You don't know what it smells like anymore. They have diapers on. I think it's also the smell of piss of someone that didn't drink enough water and got really drunk the night before. You walk in after they pissed and you can smell their piss, that really grosses me out. Gets in your fucking, the back two molars.

Spicy. All right. All right, very good. Man, I love the news. Yeah. You know why? Because it's real and it's out there. I tried looking for human urine spray prank

and the only thing that came up was more liquid ass. Wow. They got the market covered. Yeah, I think they just tagged it. out there. I tried looking for human urine spray prank and the only thing that came up was more liquid ass. Wow. They got the market covered. Yeah, I think they just tagged it. Urine. Talk about monopoly. All the links go there. Good Google analytics.

Yeah, man. Yep, smells like ass, only worse. Oh, Amazon. Yeah, Amazon. We have to move on. You get it cheaper on Amazon, by the way. Mr. Parks, we must move on out of liquid ass. Do we need to move on now?

Can we not spend one fucking entire episode talking about liquid ass? We can if you have something to say that you think is so remarkable that we can continue the conversation in a productive way, we can do it. I hope he doesn't learn his lesson. Yeah. I hope he continues to spray fart spray in people's faces and in bars. What's the funniest place to spray it? How about that?

And you make him sit up through teachers funeral to You know it helps people get well, yeah, we get the party start. Yeah funeral too. That was for that F. It helps people mourn, you know? It helps people get the party started. You're not going to be thinking about how sad it is that you lost a loved one when you're smelling ass. It doesn't happen. Two things can't exist at the same time. Alright.

We must move on. I'm telling you, I promise, this next news story is fucking hilarious. Yeah, this is great. It involves a lawnmower. Yeah, yeah. A second person has died after a lawnmower accident in which one man was riding on the lawnmower's hood and another man, riding in a wheelchair, was holding on to the tractor and being pulled behind it. The accident happened Sunday evening when the lawnmower was hit by a truck.

So they were on the street? They were on the street. They were traveling on American Legion Road. Police Chief Carol J. Stelly said 41-year-old Wilbert J. Burke Jr., who was driving the mower, died from his injuries. Joshua James Burke, 17, who was

riding in a wheelchair and holding onto the lawnmower, has since died from his injuries. 41 years old. What state is this? Well, no, he was his son. He was holding them. West Virginia. Let's see here.

Acadania. Where is Acadania? Acadania. You got to say it. You didn't spell that right. I don't understand why there's all these accidents. I'm going to vote Mississippi. Yeah, it's got to be southern.

Alabama. Arkansas, actually, rather. K-A-T-C. Acadania, Arkansas. That makes sense. That does, rather. K-A-T-C. Acadania, Arkansas. That does sound good. Mm-hmm. That makes sense. All I keep seeing is Acadania.

Acadania. Acadania. I love those notes. Acadania. Yeah. Acadania. Acadania. W-N-P-C.

Okay, what do we got? I'm going Mississippi. You're going Mississippi, Kevin? Tennessee. Tennessee, Holden? Arkansas. Danny? Kentucky. Kentucky, Lance? I said Mississippi, Kevin? Tennessee. Tennessee. Holden? Arkansas. Danny? Kentucky. Kentucky. Lance? I said Mississippi, but I see that's incorrect.

You said, Jackie, have you looked yet? Oklahoma. No, I can't see it from here. Louisiana. Hey, all right. There we go. Who knew? No, actually, it's Acadiana. Acadiana. Acadiana. Acadiana, Louisiana. Oh, come on down to Agbadiana, Louisiana.

I'm going to run more down the street. Just hold out. The wheels are moving too fast. She ain't strapped in. I think that, why was the guy in a wheelchair? Because it was funnier because. Spinal bifidus. I thought he was in a wheelchair and I felt bad.

Now that he was not really. No, he was just in a wheelchair. He was bad. Now that he was not really in a wheelchair. He was just in a wheelchair. They just had an extra wheelchair. He was just riding in a wheelchair. No, he wasn't in a wheelchair. They just had an extra wheelchair. The father was riding on the lawnmower

and the son just kind of grabbed onto the riding lawnmower in the wheelchair and he just kind of pulled him along and the truck came and fucking ran over him. Killed the father instantly. Also, when this story first started, you were saying this guy was being pulled on a wheelchair by a lawnmower. I thought

this was going to end and he fell under the lawnmower and it was a brutal murder scene. And I'm like, how is this funny? Why would you bring this up? I mean, it's still kind of funny. They were idiots. They deserve it. Yeah, some of them are funny. Because they were idiots. They deserve it.

Well, this is what happens in these small towns. I'm going to guess, right? Acadiana? Yeah, Acadiana. They want to go to the bar, get real drunk, take the lawnmower. You won't get that DUI. Am I correct? You can get a DUI on a lawnmower.

Really? George Jones got a DUI on a lawnmower. Yeah, he did. I didn't know that. I thought you did that in order to avoid the DUI. Nope, you can get a DUI on a horse. Do you have a license for a lawnmower. Really? George Jones got a DUI on a lawnmower. I didn't know that. I thought you did that in order to avoid the DUI. You can get a DUI on a horse. Do you have a license for a lawnmower? Do you have to have a license? No, you do not. That's what it is. You got the

DUI already. They took your license away so now you have to take the lawnmower to the park. You can get a DUI on a bike. On a bicycle. If you're walking too fast, they'll DUI your ass. Can you get it riding a big bear? Absolutely. Can you get it riding a big bear? Absolutely. Can you get a skateboard or something?

Skateboard? Like a scooter? You can't ride anything drunk. Anything. Wheelchair. No. You can ride a unicycle drunk. What if you're in a wheelchair?

No, you cannot ride a unicycle drunk. I think you can't. If you're actually able to ride a unicycle drunk, then you're doing something right. How about a boogie board? Boogie board, you can't do it drunk. Boogie board, you can't do anything drunk. Where are you going? Just with a paddle sitting on a boogie board, you can't do a drunk. Boogie board, you can't boogie board fast. You can't do anything drunk. Where are you going? Just with a paddle sitting on a boogie board.

I got a chance. You're saying I can't get a wave machine on wheels that has a motor on it, get on a boogie board, ride the waves that are on the wave machine as it goes down the street, I'll get a D-line? Well, do you like? Yeah. No. Shit hammered. It is illegal to ride

a unicorn drunk in Ohio, Florida, Oregon, Hawaii, and California. I think it's illegal to ride a unicorn anywhere. Magical motherfucker. Vote for John Kasich. It's Ohio. I like unicorns. I like unicorns. Who doesn't?

Who doesn't? Who doesn't fucking eat corn? They're pretty great. But in other states, it is a legal, Ohio, Florida, Oregon, Hawaii and Colorado everywhere goes been an accident It interprets vehicle to include both vehicles that are motorized and vehicles that are powered by humans So a unicycle falls under the category of powered by humans. Rollerblades? Rollerblades, yeah. But that's not a vehicle.

Rollerblades aren't vehicles. Yeah, they are. Rollerblades? Why aren't they vehicles? How isn't a rollerblade a vehicle? Theoretically, it gets you from one place to the other that is not walking. It's a vehicle. Well, there's no motorized parts.

Yeah, there's no mechanical parts. I'll put an engine on it. Can you get a DUI on rollerblades? Let's see here. I bet you can. Hoverboards, hoverboards, hoverboards. Dave says hoverboards. The hoverboard is not a thing, though.

There's a new one. No, they blow up. Really? What about a horse? Yeah, you can't even bring them on a bus or on an airplane or anything because they blow up. They explode? Yeah. We got mad about that recently.

Someone's kid, someone's famous kid was shunned off of a plane because they had their hoverboards. They're like, is there any hoverboards? You can't ride them on the train either. You can't take them on the subway. All right, Marcus. Me and Kevin were right because rollerblades do not have motors or drive chains. DUI and DWI laws across the nation do not apply. So get some rollerblades.

However, it is very possible to be charged with public intoxication. Everywhere you turn. If you're going to get rollerblades, you've got to get tiny shorts. So if it doesn't have an engine on it. But I was under the impression that you could get operating well, you know, disabled or drunk or whatever,

if you were skateboarding or biking. Bikes don't have motors. They have drive chains, though. They have chains. So that's the difference, huh? That's the difference. You can't canoe drunk. You have to.

But you can't. You can't drive a boat. You can't drive a boat. You can't drive a boat. You can't? No. Then why are you on the water? I mean, you could do it. I mean, it's just not.

You just hope you don't get caught. I would never be on the water sober. That's not where we're supposed to be. As long as you wink at the cop. Cut to Ben Kissel on Lake Havasu next summer. Kevin, what do you think? This is going to be great. I've never been drunk on the water, man.

Oh, that's great. We're not supposed to be on the water. Like in a boat, if people are on a boat. I'm like canoes and shit. No, I've been, I've been plenty of canoes. That's one thing people don't know about me. But yeah, I've never been drunk on a canoe or any of that lazy river shit. Never did the lazy river? Never did the lazy river.

You never went to Bear Paw in Tallahassee? I never went. Disinterested. Every time people told me they were going to bed, I just didn't go. Never did the lazy river? Never did the lazy river. You never went to Bear Paw in Tallahassee? I never went. Damn, Kevin. Every time people told me they were going to bed, I just didn't go. Too slow. You're fucking stupid. He doesn't know the fast life slide. I just didn't want to go. You're supposed to get drunk while slowly going down a stream.

That's the whole point. Seeing a gator off to the side, being like, oh, fuck. And then you do a gravity bung, hit with a fucking two liter out of the water. It's not for me. That's more Jackie's experience. That's a little bit more Jackie centric. That might be more unique.

Wait, so you can get it for a horse, right? Yeah, you can totally get it for a horse, yeah. What about if you jump on your friend's back and they run down the street? Is your friend drunk?

Holy double time. That matters. If your friend's sober, I think it's legal, but if your friend's back and they run down the street. Is your friend drunk? Oh, double time. That matters. If your friend's sober, I think it's legal. But if your friend's drunk, you're drinking and driving on a drunk. It's so difficult to do the gravity bong hit right out of the water than the multiple. It's not that difficult. There's so many ways to smoke weed. Yeah, but you don't want to get the pieces wet.

If the pieces get wet, so you just have the little thing on the top. So you just stand up in the water and just... And then it's great. Just smoke it in a baller. I was 19 years old. We're not talking about now. It involves so many steps, I feel like. I used to get stoned as fuck on that river.

Yeah, for sure. Whipple over on the bank, do some shotguns, fucking smoke a blizzy. It was a good time. Yeah. No word on riding humans. You were on the beach. We used to go to the stop at the beach. Oh, you stopped at the beach.

All right. If your Blizzy gets wet, you just save your Blizzy. Truth. Marcus, is there anything happening in the chat? Right now they're talking about rollerblades making a comeback. No, no, no. No, they definitely are. Have you not been in Greenpoint lately?

Oh, no. They are. It's made its way to Crown Heights, too. Oh, is it spreading? You know what? I hate it. They got wheels on them. I know they're allowed to be on the fucking sidewalks, and then they slam into you and

just fucks up. I don't think they are allowed to be on sidewalks. I know. I don't think they are, but no, they're not. I think legally you're supposed to be in the bike lanes. Really? That's why you're allowed to push them into the street. Citizens arrest.

Yeah, you slap them. You slap these fuckers. Let them know what's going down. Kis push them into the street. Citizens arrest. Slap them. Slap these fuckers. Let them know what's going down. Kissel, you would have loved it when I was a kid. I got a nice new pair of rollerblades. I was going down a hill way too fast.

First thing I was doing, I hit a rock. I fell. I rolled into a person's mailbox. Not a mailbox ever. A car stopped and then just kept going. You would have loved it.

And I stood up. I was driving that car. Right? I was like, oh, good, a car is here. They'll help me. And then it just kept driving. Kept going. Oh, my God.

It's funny. I had a story like that, but yours is much better because you had something that actually make you fall. But I was riding down the street in my hometown in like eighth grade. I was on fucking rollerblades, like going down the main road and some like high school kids, you know, didn't think that rollerblading was cool.

And they, I wasn't paying attention. I was just going and they roll up behind me and they blew the horn as hard as they could and scared the shit out of me. But I ate shit and fell down and like, just like, yo, right.

And they just hear the laughing as they drove by. It's like, that's so sad. Traumatizing Jersey experience. Well, drive-by heckling is crazy. I've told this story before on the show many times, maybe once or twice when I was super overweight and I went running

and the people throw the Burger King bag at me and they said, keep running, fat ass. And then they sent it away. When you're in a car, you can really do a lot of damage. It's unfair. Very unfair. It is unfair. Anyway, Eddie, Lupe is here. Say something about it.

Lupe Rodriguez. Batting eighth for the Green Bay Packers. Well, that's not good. That's simple. Seems odd. You want to do one more story? Sure. One more story.

I know you do, Eddie. Or we could talk about aspirin for another 15 minutes. I'd rather talk about sucking dick. There we go. A mother has been banned from naming her baby cyanide after the poison which Hitler took before shooting himself. The woman from Wales also chose the name Preacher for the girl's twin brother, saying she had a human right to name her own children. She said Cyanide was a lovely, pretty name with positive connotations as it was taken by Hitler to kill himself. All right, my number one statement I must make about this is I love the name cyanide.

I like the name cyanide parks. I like the name cyanide Larson. And cyanide McNeely. Cyanide Kissel. It's a guaranteed linebacker. Guaranteed linebacker. Or at least a superhero. Is cyanide Zabrowski too much?

Is that why you didn't say it? No, it's great. I wasn't able to get to it. I was interrupted. I would say cyanide for everyone. I love this mother and I hate the state. And at no point should the government tell people how to name their children. Even those parents who wanted to name their kid Adolf Hitler?

Adolf is a fine name for a public speaker. Here we go. Here we go. Adolf, okay. Oh, my God. All of a sudden. No. All of Oh, my God. All of a sudden. No. All of a sudden.

Okay, all of a sudden. Six years I've been screaming it. All right. No, Adolf. Hitler doesn't own the name Adolf. He wrote it. That's pretty interesting. He also has a mustache.

He didn't help it, but Cyanide Hitler, that sounds a lot scarier. Actually, Cyanide Hitler is a fucking awesome man. Cyanide Hitler is definitely... It's like a boy named Sue, you know? He's gonna be a strong boy. But also, you're just gonna call the kid Cy anyway, so what does it fucking matter? I agree. I would make people call me

cyanide, because I hate it when people call me Mark. You say the whole thing. Mark is not short for Mark. Your name is Marcus. Yeah, some people, some Marcuses go by Mark. No, that's not true. Yeah, yeah, some of them do. That's like calling you Marky. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'm not going to call you Marky either. Some people that don't respect themselves, man. I know, right? Marcus is so much better. It's a great name. You just go with it. Yeah. And then my name would be Mark Parks.

And that's terrible. Mark Parks sounds like an accountant, but he does a terrible job and constantly loses his clients' money. Somehow Mark Parks just sounds like a type of park. The difference between that and Mark is extraordinary. It's huge. Backpacks. But I will say, isn't that disgusting though when the state starts to tell people how they can name their own children? Why can't she name her child Cyanide?

It's a great name. They can do the kid a favor, but actually that kid would be pretty fucking cool. You don't fuck with Cyanide. I feel like it's the same where it's like they don't stop kids, like parents from calling their son Ashley, which I'm not saying that's a bad name, but you're going to get fucking picked on. I feel like that's when they should stop. Like, don't call him Lauren. Don't call him Ashley. Yeah, the mother said cyanide

was linked with flowers and plants and was, quote, responsible for killing Hitler and Goebbels, and I consider that a good thing. Why does she keep bringing up Hitler? That's the problem. She has a fascination. Well, that's, yeah, it's her whole thing. Is she a Jew? No, I don't think so. Actually, I don't know what her name

is. I don't think they actually name... They have that file picture They just say, woman, yeah, they said... Oh, the kids were taken away, by the way. What? They were?

Why? Yeah, the court was told the mother had a history of mental illness, drug, and alcohol abuse. Oh, I don't think... Yeah, yeah, that'll do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This was, I think, it was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back on this one. That's fine. Maybe you pushed a little too hard this time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, that's the thing.

County social workers learned of the names that the mother had chosen for the twins, and they took the case to court. I think they just had been looking for a reason to take these kids away for a while now. What was the other twin's name? Preacher. Cyanide and Preacher, honestly, I have to say. Fucking cool names. Really cool names.

Yeah. If you have twins, Cyanide. These are my children, Cyanide and Preacher. I'm sorry. As a father, I would be so proud. Yeah. I definitely wouldn't let him hang out with my kid, but you know. Are you?

You're a Larson. I'd let him be on the football team. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You wouldn't let him hang out with Cyanide and Preacher. They'd have to earn it. I'd have to trust them. Definitely don't let him hang out with Cyanide and Preacher. They'd have to earn it. I'd have to trust them.

Definitely don't let them know where your gun is. Well, that's a good point. That's all we got. That's all we got. All right. So now you usually kick it to the Holden McNeely segment. Should I do it or should you do it? I mean, yeah.

I think maybe it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Oh, so you don't do it. All right. What do we say again? We're doing presidential elections. You pick a candidate. All right? I'm going to throw a caveat on this.

It's got to be a fictional character. A fictional person. A fictional character that you're going to put into the race, run as an independent, that could really throw something in into the race, run as an independent, that could really throw something in there. Well, maybe I think I might think of something that might beat a little Atticus Finch. It goes by the name of Sonic the Hedgehog. Ooh, I like that.

Throwing him in. I actually like that. Everybody's wondered where he's been. Mario took over, beat Sega out. There hasn't been a good Sonic game in years. Sonic says, no, man, I've been working on my political theories. He's been in fucking law school. Yeah.

I've been in law school. I don't need to be doing games anymore. Comes out. He's like, I can roll. I'm fast. I can beat Dr. Robotnik if he decides to show up. Vote for me. Independent.

All right. That will shake up the race. Yeah. He's quick. He's quick. All right. Gavin. You know, my candidate would be, since this kid clearly does not exist,

cyanide. And so cyanide, you know, because it represents flowers and beauty, and it's responsible for killing Hitler. So that's all you need in a political candidate. My name was responsible for killing Hitler as a good political platform. Yeah. Ben? Oh, my God.

It's too tough. It's hard. It's hard. The leprechaun. From the horror franchise. From the horror movie. You know what? He'll get the black vote.

Leprechaun in the hood. Yeah. He has the black vote locked up. A friend with weed is a friend indeed. That's correct. He'll get the space vote, too. Leprechaun in space. He's got a whole series of advantages that he could have over the other people running

against him. The constituents would love him. I mean, he can literally turn anything into gold. He's a perfect guy. Yeah. The leprechaun. I'll go with it. Why not?

All right. Is the Loch Ness Monster real? Yes. Kevin? No, he's not. Hey, come on, Ed. Oh, he is. They just found something.

They read the most recent story? I saw the most recent story. No, they's not. Hey, come on, Ed. Oh, he is. They just found something. They read the most recent story? I saw the most recent story. No, no, they did not. They found a prop from a film in 1930. It was from a movie. Yeah, that's what everyone's been seeing. That's not what they've been seeing. No, no, no.

That came, the movie was made after the first sighting of the Loch Ness Monster. This is a totally different thing. All that was is stupid clickbait bullshit. It was just, oh, they found the Loch Ness Monster. And you click on it and it's like, well, they found the Loch Ness Monster. And you click on it and it's like, well, they found a prop. I read that headline,

man, I almost had a stroke. I was so mad when I got to the rest of that shit. Either way, I will allow it. All right? Well, what about the abominable snowman?

Definitely real. Yeah. But I'll allow Loch Nessy Monster. I'm going to go with that because no one, I don't like, I don't think it's real. So you can't find a Loch Nessie Monster. I'm going to go with that because no one, I don't like, I don't think it's real.

So you can't find a Loch Ness Monster. So if he's running, he or she is running, they're gone. And so the government shuts down and it's all over. That's it? Yeah. That's it. It'd be very distracting too. Everybody would be freaking out about that.

A vote for the Loch Ness Monster is a vote for anarchy. I like that. They also, yeah, they say the Loch Ness Monster is a vote for anarchy. I like that. They say the Loch Ness Monster is a 65-pound penis, but a 70-pound vagina. A hermaphrodite. Who says that, Ed? I do. Jackie. Alright, I'm gonna go from

Hook. I'm gonna go from Bob Hoskins as Smee in Hook. For president, but his VP is gonna be Rufio. Rufio! No, together. He knows the plight of the people and watching Captain Hook put everyone under so much scrutiny and so much pain, so he wants to rise up and help the people, but Rufio has led the Lost Boys into coming into fruition, so I feel like together they would have a great campaign. rufio's a liar the kids were eating shit they know rufio sucked fix that food

problem tell the homeless to a match actually ben kind of has a point rufio never did shit until peter pan showed up but that's the thing is i'm talking post i'm talking after all you know it's like like the crocodile comes down captain hook Hook is gone, so Rufio has to rise up, and you get that Islander Pacific vote, which who knew we would get it? All eight of them? Yeah, he'll win Guam. He's gonna get Guam!

There's a good amount of them on the edges. It's the election. But he's an already dead vice president. What happens if the president dies? No, he's gonna come back. We're going to be wearing a pan and back. We're going to be wearing a pan and back. Ooh, zombie. They should make that movie.

Zombie Rufio. I'd watch it. It would be amazing. Ed Larson, your answer will definitely not win. But what do you plan to say to the people of America and New Zealand? I feel like you've got to go John Connor. I mean, war against the machines. He knows what he's doing. New Zealand. I feel like you gotta go John Connor. I mean, war against the machines.

He knows what he's doing. And then I'll make his VP Johnny Five, Short Circuit. Yeah, kind of working together. You take the peaceful robot, run in with the robot killer. We're going to really work some shit out. Are we going to bring Fisher Stevens back?

Wait, is that the interview? Well, he was a white guy. Fisher Stevens back? Wait, is that the Indian? Well, he was a white guy. Fisher Stevens took a movie role from me, so I don't like him. He doesn't get in. We're getting real now. Now it's becoming a real life. So, hold it.

Am I choosing from, or actually, Danny. Yeah, Danny. I got to go. Okay. Well, I like the old school way of doing things, the old school propaganda and the way it looks. And this guy's been around for a long time, and I think that he could really, you know, take us to where we need to go. And I think that's Mr. Clean.

Oh! Because think about him. Like, you think about him on a propaganda poster, you're like, oh, I'm voting for that guy. He's cool looking. He's super strong. Everything is fucking clean, Spick and span. We're going to clean this country up.

Just like I've cleaned the rest of the country. We're going to whitewash this country. He's got a tan. He's got a tan. Mr. Clean, you can't tell. He might not be white. It is true. He might be Greek. He might be clean.

Yeah, he could just be very clean. So am I going for, like, who's going to shake up the race the most, or who's going to win? Shake up the race the most. You know what I was thinking? I just thought of this now. I know who would be a good candidate. Bald Bull. Well, you can't do it.

I know. I know. Bald Bull is from Turkey. Is he? Yeah. Oh, well, fuck him then. Yeah, you can't. Turkey's not real, though.

And he had young wives. He had 12-year-old brides. So you just hang out and party with them. Yeah. Whoa. What is it? If we're going for who's really gonna shake up the race, I think Sonic the Hedgehog's gonna shake the fuck up. Did he win again? I think Sonic the Hedgehog. I'm on a streak.

If I had to go for who's really gonna fuck things up. Is Tails VP? Tail, no. Tails is not. Nux. Tails out the window? Knuckles, baby. Knuckles.

Knuckles. Oh, wow. Knuckles. That's the thing is then they run on the thing like we used to be enemies. We used to hate each other. Now we learn how to come together. That's what we're gonna do with this country and every other country. That's what we need.

That's what we need. We need to be together with our enemies. We need that time of healing. I don't know what it means. Holden sounds like Hillary after Bernie said something. He's like, oh, I'm going to change my shift. I'm going to say the same thing that he just said. That's politics. Paradigms.

I really like you, fucking non-Jew. There it is. Alright, a bunch of Bernie people here. Alright, Jackie,-Jew. There it is. All right. A bunch of Bernie people here. All right. Jackie, you're here. Eddie, Marcus. Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt. Yeah, good.

Holden, Kevin. I appreciate the love of the fans. That's all I'm going to say going out. Actually, Ben wins now. Yeah, yeah, we're going for that. Thank God. I appreciate the love of the people of the world. Lance, do you have anything going on?

Eddie, I'm doing the thing with the guests. Leprechaun. Oh, Leprechaun. But he's Irish. He can't go. Oh, yeah. He's not Irish. He's universal.

It's fine. Lance, what do you got going on? Tell the fans. Just go to my website or just Google my name. I promote Google. What is it? LanceWheese. website or just Google my name. I promote Google. What is it? LanceWeese.com or just Google Lance Weese. But spell it like Weiss.

Yeah, spell it like Weiss. LanceWeiss.com. All right, good. Walt Weiss was a great player for the Marlins. He was, yeah. Are you him? Any relation? Are you him?

No relation. You're not him. I wish. I wish we were. Eddie, why did we book him? I didn't book him. Oh, I didn't book him we were. Eddie, why did we book him? I didn't book him. Oh, I didn't book him. Who didn't book him?

You didn't book him? I brought a star. Danny Tamberelli. He could hear the flashbulbs going off when he came down the fucking stairs. Tamberelli, what do you got going on? I think I'm Eleanor Kagan from the Supreme Court.

She's my doppelganger. You should do that, Marcus. I look just like her, man. Oh, my God. If she does something wrong, I'm going to be on SNL. That's great. You can go down this wormhole. It's totally cool.

There are more accurate pictures than that. That's for sure. When I cut my hair and it's like a little bit. You're majestic. That one. Oh, yeah. She's got your throat. She's got your throat. She's got my throat.

Oh, man, you guys even have the same pudgy little hand. Oh, you got raccoon hands. Okay, guys. Guys. Let's just hope and pray she does something wrong, man, because I'll take you all with me. He was a better guest than me. Who cares?

We'll talk to you later. Take it easy. Take it easy. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.