The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 285: Convenient and Legal

Episode Date: April 26, 2016

The gang talks about the recent secret Limp Bizkit concert hoax, debates whether or not it's polite to use a monkey as a form of currency with which to pay your hooker, and listens to Holden try his hardest to derail Henry's career.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Ladies and gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. We need to get this show started.

Yeah. I thought we were going. I thought this was already sizzling. Yeah, Jackie! Yeah! Woo! Princess bitch! Princess bitch!

I have to be the serious one if Jackie's going to be the party. I'm princess bitch. Holden, you just be you. Don't be nervous for your girlfriend and her play. It's going to be a great play. She's the party. I'm Princess Bitch. Holden, you just be you. Don't be nervous for your girlfriend and her play. It's going to be a great play. She's the party. I'm the lawyer. You're not a lawyer.

Someone's got to fucking go to court for this animal. Can I be John Bernthal's dog? Yes, you can be John Bernthal's dog. Good God. Something that no one but us gets. That's funny. Okay, who prays today? I think it's Jackie.

Jackie prays. Jackie's going to start. Jackie. Better be funny. Okay, who prays today? I think it's Jackie. Jackie prays. Jackie's getting started. Jackie. Better be good. All right, Lord Jesus Christ. I'm praying for the power to jizzy, baby. Power to jizzy, summer to the jizzy, year to jizzy. We are getting fucking jizzied.

I've been doing vizzies a little bit lately, but don't fucking judge me. Difference between the jizzy and the fizzy? Vodka. But you just got you just gotta switch it up. Sometimes you gotta make it taste like a nail polish remover to really feel like you're getting your goods. So thank you, fucking God,

because we're getting jizzy with it. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na. All right, it's over. I didn't even see it coming. I know. I'm mad at myself for not seeing it coming. You gotta do the fat kid dance. Fat kid dance. I'm doing it. You can't see it coming. I know. I'm mad at myself for not seeing it coming. I'm going to make a music video. You got to do the fat kid dance.

Fat kid dance. I'm doing it. You can't see it. They got their hands balled up in fists, and they're just flailing their arms around. Princess. Kind of like flexing, but they're just going up and down. Yo, that just reminded me. Last week, Josh's girlfriend, she works at Planned Parenthood, and Will Smith is a very

big supporter of Planned Parenthood. He was shooting something down the street. And apparently during the shoots, during his breaks, he kept coming over to Planned Parenthood and hanging out with everybody that was working there. And they all took pictures with him. And they're all excited. But the thing was, there was people protesting Planned Parenthood across the street. And you can see in the pictures, they're just fucking sad as shit.

Because Will Smith was hanging out with them. Good for them. Don't fucking protest Planned Parenthood. Don't make abortions look good. Oh my goodness. It would be nice if after an abortion you get the Men in Black memory eraser. But anyway.

Alright, so this is the round table of gentlemen. Obviously, Jackie, you're here. Getting jizzy with it. Getting jizzy with it. Bienvenido a la abortion clinic. Whoa. That's what they say. That's technically what they would say in a Spanish abortion clinic. That does pass.

Eddie is too fat to be here today. God knows what he's saying. I don't know where you mean I'm too fat to be here. I got all the way here. I chased a wheel of cheese. Of course, the Howard. I'm so stupid. I didn't even realize Ed way here. I chased the wheel of cheese across the highway. That's so stupid. I didn't even realize

Ed is here. Oh, man, I certainly wish I wasn't covered all these visible stink lines so people wouldn't see me coming so I can grab the girls. Yeah.

Anything you want to ask, Eddie? Um, Eddie. Yeah? What's four plus a nine? Fuck you. Maths for good. Whoa. How do you leave a tip when you go to the restaurant?

What I do is I take the tip of my D-hack out of my pants and I say, here's my purple onion. And they cry, cry, cry. Cry, cry, cry. And they cut into the purple onion? I'm sorry. There was a character I was playing. Actually, I'm Henry Z Cry, cry, cry. I never got to eat them. I'm sorry. There was a character I was playing. Actually, I'm Henry Zabrowski. Whoa.

The characters on Netflix. Yeah, check it out. Rate it two stars to double the stars. Two whole stars. The first BAV club calls it the first misstep in the series. Hey, listen. Hey, listen. It's at least the first one. A trans blogger

on MTV.com Do not get your microaggressions out here. Ranked all of Henry's characters as the worst characters of the series in a ranking. MTV is a pedophile network run by pedophiles. The only real thing he's ever said.

I say a lot of real things. Alright, so no. The Netflix special check it out. It's ever said. I say a lot of real things. All right, so no. The Netflix special, check it out. It's amazing. It literally just rated a star, a two star. Do something. It is badly reviewed. The whole thing, I mean, the whole series didn't.

I'll say this. I met with Netflix when I was in L.A. a month or two ago. And then the bros that met with them, Jermaine that met with them, all of us who did, friends, people, we had all met with them. We're like, you know, we should do just a special on Netflix. Yeah. We should do that shit. And we were like, let's pitch them because they loved all of us.

Like, let's pitch a sketch thing with all of us. Right. And they were like, we haven't had much success with group specials. So, I actually heard yours. So I agree. Actually hurt your career. Hell yeah. I'm glad we killed it for everybody else. No one else will ever get it.

Take it from my fucking cold dead hands. Okay. Holden. Holdenators. Ho! I will take your criticism and I will laugh upon it. It's because of the haircut, isn't it? Yes.

I got a smaller haircut. He was very upset with me because I shaved my neck hair for an audition that I did not get. They said I was called back for New York Lotto. Then the Indian gave it. He took back the callback? Yeah, they were like, oh, you're on hold. We'll give you the times. And then they did.

I don't want to get into it. I don't think you can say Indian gave it, though. No? No, it's a very racist term. Native American gave it. Native American common with the way they deal with stuff is they give you stuff and they take it back because they're afraid of how much stuff they've already lost. Yeah, right.

But I think it's more like. But it's what we did to them, right? No. It's called an Indian giver because it's like you take something and then you regret what you took so you try to get back what you gave. Yeah, which is why we gave them booze. We gave them like pints and pints and pints of grain alcohol so they could become okay with where they are. It comes from us taking their land through terrible deals and then them asking for it back. Right.

It's what we did. We're evil. We're the evil ones. No, but the term is. Trail of good rears. Good God. Native Americans. I love that idea.

That was the one where all the Native American women went out there and then the soldiers had sex with them until they squirted all over each other. Yes. Oh, that's right. Slam ass them. The trail of sniffy tears. Love U.S. history. SkeleGamer says Marcus is an Oklahoman

and remember the Alamo and let the Inquisition begin. DMF underscore revolution says Holdenators for life. And they say that Holdenette and Henry deserve as many Brazilian women as they want and much love to the whole table. That's very nice, actually.

Except for calling me an Oklahoman. I'm not a fucking Okie. It doesn't really matter. Is it an insult? Were you technically born there? No, my dad was born there, but I was... Oh, you were very close. Oh, so you have dirt blood.

Yeah, you have filth blood. Yeah, we knew that. Ah. No, Oklahomans are very fun because they have a collegiate football team named the Sooners, which doesn't make sense. No, it does. It's better than the Laters.

You know what? It's a very boring story that I'm not going to go into. Go into it. It's all about the Dust Bowl, Ben. It's always about the fucking Dust Bowl. I love a whole period of time that the biggest distinction was that it was dry. Oh, my goodness. Can't you believe it?

Yeah, you don't want to hear any more stories from Timothy Egan's wonderful book, The Worst Hard Time? I could hear one more, honestly. There's a lot of dirt. Thank you. All right, Kevin, you're here. Your career is going nowhere because Henry ruined it. Yeah, he ruined it. Also, you know, Holden was talking about bombing auditions and shit.

I recently had an interview over the phone for a television show to write for it that I really, a show I really loved. Yeah. And I was, you know, the call went well. We like bonded over a lot of shit and we had the same viewpoints on a lot of things. It was going great. It was a fun, funny call. But at the end of it, you know, I was very complimentary to the show.

But for some reason, I chose to say not to be dick riding. Long story short, I haven't heard from him. Dick riding. I said not to be dick riding. Is that a thing that people say? People said it in the South. We talked about it on Top Hat last week. Black people are saying dick riding now.

Dick riding. So now we have to start saying it. You're being fun. You're trying to make a term. Because you didn't want to say not to be a fucking homo about it. If you say that, that's a problem. Is that the context clue of it? It's like, oh, not to dick ride you.

Yeah. I got self-conscious because I got very complimentary. And I was like, not to be dick riding. Huge mistake. Did you say it like that? Oh, and I was like, not to be dick riding. Huge mistake. Did you say it like that? It was weird. It was silence on the phone. They thought you were a 5'10 Jewish man.

So as soon as you said that, you blew your cover. The whole time, or they were really upset that you weren't about to dick ride them. Just imagine your muscly back just snapping your butt back and forth on the fucking handle. Kissel guessed the show. He said it's a show he likes. It's a show that he likes? Don't guess the show, man. It's going to be.

Law and Order SVU. Because you wanted to really come up with creative rapes. Yeah, dick run. All right. And that's the one that we'll do. That's the one. That's the one. That's the one.

Ten and a half minutes in. Shut the fuck up, Henry. I didn't say it. No, no. We will not continue on with the Zebrowski tradition. You're at a point where you're afraid you will say it. I'm afraid I'm going to say it. I thought for a second I said it.

I didn't say it. Law and order SVU. No, and do not. Okay. You just said it. You didn't hear yourself say it. Holden, don't encourage. I'm not encouraging Okay. You just said it. You didn't hear yourself say it. Holden, don't encourage. I'm not encouraging anything.

This happened last time. This exact same thing happened last time. They start getting revved up, and you pressed your foot on the gas. I'm worried for them is what I'm saying, that they would say something and not be conscious of it. Holden, you are trying to derail Henry's career because you are trying to secretly sabotage his life. People are encouraging me to be bad. No one's encouraging you. You have one star on Netflix. No, one star

is not encouraging. Bad is opposite. That's why you got one star. Ironically, it means it's really good. Yeah, yeah. Burn it to the ground. Oh my God. Trump for president. Okay. Let's move on. Marcus, we have to do a new story. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. It was just one of those days for Lipimp Bizkit fans in Dayton, Ohio. So excited for you to see that.

This is an exciting story. Just one of those days for Limp Bizkit fans in Dayton, Ohio this week, several of whom turned up to a secret show at a gas station that turned out to be entirely fake. Idiots. show at a gas station that turned out to be entirely fake. Idiots. The rumors started on Facebook where a man named Brian Baker set up a Limp Bizkit to play 420 secret show Facebook event, which got picked up by both Dayton.com and a local NBC News outlet.

The Dayton Police Department pleaded with citizens not to turn up, tweeting, Be aware! citizens not to turn up tweeting be aware there is no Limp Bizkit concert Wednesday 4 20 at the Sunoco station at Kiowi Street and Wayne Avenue these ads are false right I mean if it's a secret show do you make a Facebook event I guess so but Fred Nurse is on Facebook I'm sure that he is I wouldn't put it past Limp Bizkit to do a show at a gas station They are hot garbage Every single thing they touch Turns to liquid shit

Everybody who likes them is dumb I was a fan at one point I'm gonna say I like $3 bill y'all That's disturbed Yeah down with the sickness man Totally different band Not really You know who was really down with the sickness, man. Yeah, that's a totally different band. Not really.

You know who was really down with the sickness? Who? Prince. How dare you? You know what? Rest in Prince. Rest in Prince. I will say this.

I got the pills, by the way. I knew about the pills. I got the tip off at 1 o'clock. Are you allowed to say this on a recording? Yes. At 1 o'clock, my friend knows a guitar tech for Prince, and I knew it was pills way before the lamestream, mainstream, CNNs, MSNBCs, the greatest news network on Earth, the Fox News. Before they even recognized it, I had it on my phone. All right, so knowing that now, for me, did that help your life?

Oh, it did. Oh, I had a text. I sent it to a girl I was seeing at the time, and she hasn't responded. But wow. Wow. Wow. It was powerful. Wow.

Breaking news right there for all of our listeners right now. No, it would have been breaking had we done the show at the time. Yes. I get breaking news. Basically, if you have a story, if there's anything new that happens that you hear about, email me, Facebook me. I have breaking news. I met Ted Cruz.

That's the tip hotline. If you want to hit up Ben, if you've got a good tip, got a good news story, give it to him. Or if you're just maybe interested in a future with Ben. Maybe just like seeing him. If you want to show him a bunch of your photograph evidence of you trying to stuff the head of your own cock inside of your own asshole, and you want to send it to BenKissel at Yahoo.com, I think you should take a look at it. If you want to

find out where he lives and hide under his bed dressed like a monster. Six, five, six. I won't do it. You've already done it. People really want to archive it. And quite frankly, my address is available. Yeah. Yeah, you're hard to find, man. No, it's not hard to find me.

Anyway, so what was the Limp Bizkit album that I did like? The Starfish. Chocolate Starfish. The hot dog and the Starfish. That was kind of fun, right? Yeah, that was a metaphor for ass fucking. What? I didn't know that.

Oh, my God. Don't do this to Jackie. Jackie, I thought all of their songs were about periods of history. Chocolate starfish! Chocolate starfish is an asshole! I thought that word song was about Harriet Tubman. I know, too. Nookie stands for when you pick out your butt hairs and you bake it in a meatloaf and you make some girl eat it.

Yeah, but how do you put it on the cookie and stick it up your... What? What? Stick it up your... What? I love the remix that makes it with a, hey now. But what do you think that we're sticking it up? Hey now. I thought they were sticking

it up if you drill a hole in the top of your penis and stick it in there. That's what I thought. What I thought really bad was the revival that was just like, take that cookie and stick up your, Prince is going to die in 2016. Who knew? And who knew? And that was a great remix.

I didn't mean to be, I'm not, I'm drawn this way. Yeah. All right, Jessica Ravis. All right. Purple Rain. Prince is great. We do it in honor. I do.

I really do. I miss him and I'm actually very sad that he. You know, I like that Sia. She never shows her face. This is the- Henry mentioned Sia. Yeah, what's the Sia? Marcus, what the hell is happening?

I don't know what the Sia, because he mentioned Sia on the show yesterday. I like that Sia. I want to swing on the chandelier. What? Have you heard the new one? She danced with the prepubescent girls with Shia LaBeouf. Are you talking about new ones? Are you talking about Sia Furler?

Yeah. S-I-A, yeah. Can we hear this song? She's sung a million songs. She's got that Reaper song that's really good that she co-wrote with Kanye West. Reaper's also pretty good. I heard about Kanye. He also has some decent things to say.

I don't think he's very talented. I don't think that's true. Well, this is the one with the little girl, and she only shows her vagina. What's wrong? It's in you, huh? For real. It's all right. I hear it's like a black and white clip.

It's like a Jewish man. Oh, Italians make it too. Oh, wow. Damn. I miss it. I miss the song now. You can listen to it later. Okay. I did., I miss it. I miss the song now. You can listen to it later. Okay.

I did. I bought the album. You got a whole day. On iTunes. Only $9.99, actually. Not even $10. Jesus, Lord. All right.

So continue with the Limp Bizkit story. No, I know. I'm very sad about Prince. I'm just saying there's other stuff out there. You don't seem that sad about Prince. I'm incredibly sad about Prince. What do you think people are going to do when you die? Heaven just got a little funnier.

Yeah. Listen to page seven this week if you want to find out about what happens after Henry dies. Jackie put a fake finger up to her ear like she's listening to an earbud. Heaven just got a little bit funnier. All right. Or fatter. Kind of a funny joke there that I made. I've actually been struggling for many years.

I've kind of like, you know, my struggle has been heavily documented in my Instagram. We have an addiction problem. With food, yeah. I'm sorry. Food is love to us. Food is love for them. I did think it would be kind of funny, though, because he said heaven just got a little funnier, and I said, or fatter.

You know what? Actually, now that, wait a second. Wait a second. There's somebody coming in over there. That is funny. That is really funny. Good, okay, good. It's a slow, now that... Wait a second. Wait a second. There's somebody coming in over there. That is funny. Good. Okay, good. It's a slow...

Like, if you think about it for a little bit, you're like, oh, shit. You know what I see? I see Henry, like, upside down, stuck in a cloud with his feet. He can't fall through the cloud. Oh, that's funny. He's just like, we've got to get some butter so he can be slicked enough to be removed from this cloud. That's funny. Man, I'm so happy I started that.

It's good, man. This is what we do it for. Eddie, are you back, Ed? Oh, Ed's back on the show. Yeah, I came back because I heard there was a fresh ham there that was for free because I'm cheap. That is mad. Because I'm fat and cheap. This is a funny podcast.

It really is. Yeah. I checked out the Facebook event, by the way. Okay. All of Dayton, Ohio got in on it. The Wicked Witch of Dayton, which is a sandwich place. You get it? The witch?

Oh, I get it. The Wicked Witch of Dayton. Does that mean it's a shitty sandwich place? No, it's a good sandwich place. Yeah. They went to the Facebook page and they said, What should the new Wicked Witch of Dayton sandwich be commemorated to be named on this historic event? The winner will be on our menu for life for real.

For real. They did that at 11.30 a.m. So people on 420. Breadwurst. Breadwurst? Yeah, like breadwurst, like Fred Durst. Oh, I see. The breadwurst. There was also tie way or the highway.

Yeah, keep broiling, broiling, broiling. These are the sandwiches that they were offering. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. I think I would choose for tie way or the highway. Make a nice bon me. I like a tie. I love a good tie. I can't do it man

I can't do it Why? Thai shit no Not for a sandwich man Dude get into it They've got pork on it And pâtés It's ripped

No man But if I'm getting Thai I gotta get noodles and shit Some fucking chili paste You could get a place That's got a good baguette Ooh It's got crispiest

I've been there man I've done that shit It's so soft It's got a fresh vegetable It ain't for me man You're Italian You're pitching a Thai sandwich I've been hearing The Asian stuff's so soft. It's got a fresh adventure. It ain't for me, man. You're Italian. You're pitching a Thai sandwich. I've been hearing the Asian stuff.

Let me tell you something about Jamaican niggas, man. Jamaican niggas do not fuck with Thai sandwiches. I've heard that. That's the truth. Actually, my nickname in Jamaica is Thai sandwich. Yeah, it is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's interesting.

That was really good, man. That was on fire there. Fatter. Heaven just got fatter. Oh. I thought they called you the carrot Bigfoot. Because of your red head. You got that red head, you got that pink skin, and you big.

Huh. Huh. Yeah. Carrot football. This thing about heaven getting fatter was funnier. Yeah, it was. It was funnier. I really did well with mine.

It did good. Man, we're just right back to normal. We worked really hard on the characters. And I think that the amount of time that we put in was it. And I don't think it deserved to get the two stars. Do you think it was Holden's writing specifically that caused it to get one star? Technically, I could blame him, and I do many times in public. To industry.

Yes, to industry people when I'm in private meetings, not including Holden. But in public, I would say that technically me as executive producer, failure falls on my shoulders. I'm the head of the snake. He's the fucking weird egg sack of the snake. I teach comedy writing on a weekly basis. Yes. Two stars. You know what?

I say two stars is two times better than zero. Yeah. Well, no, Two times is zero. Zero, yeah. So, you can go ahead and take your math and stick it up your hay now. Hey! Highway to the highway. It's an all-time.

Let's get your game on. Gonna play. Hey, yeah. It's an all-time. Get your game on. Get your game on. All day. There's no go. No. It's an game on. Do you have trains? Oh, there's a game on.

No. It's a song. Bring the mojo. Turn it off for the new game. We've had enough. Musical interlude. I love it. I can't help that.

I love biscuit. Oh, holy hell. All right. Well, even lead singer Fred Durst shot down the Sunoco gas station hoax on Twitter, but this message clearly didn't get through to a few hardcore biscuit fans who formed a crowd at the Sunoco station. They found no new metal, though, only the usual gas pumps and a few irate police. I wonder how long it took them to realize that they had to call them biscuit fans and not limp fans.

Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, this person seems, the person who wrote this article seems somewhat knowledgeable about the biscuit. Hip to the jib. Hip to the jib. That's the problem with Oklahoma, man. They don't listen. They don't listen.

We don't listen. When Fred Durst speaks, I listen. That's the one thing you know about me. Does Fred Durst just say like, no, no, no, a free show at a Sunoco is like way not vape life, so it can't do it? I think they just cancel. He's too busy blowing chunky clouds, bro. I think they canceled because I didn't think they could fill the place.

You know, it's tough for them. They're just afraid of it being not only a free Sunoco gas station show, but like sparsely attended. No one shows up, just a couple of pumpers. Oh, no, no, no. Over 100 people stuck around after the station was closed, even though there was no sign of Fred Durst, Limp Bizkit, no amps, no guitars, no stage, no bus. The gas station is closed.

The gas station is shut down. They stayed around, and eventually when they figured out that nothing was happening, they resorted to playing the biscuit on their car stereos instead. Of course, man. Why would you leave

at that point? You're there. You're around a bunch of fucking biscuit heads or whatever we call these. When John Lennon died when John Lennon died people spontaneously

went to Central Park and formed a circle and sang his songs. This is like that. Ew. Ew. It really is. Just a bunch of fucking 98 Ford Rangers. Yeah.

Bumping on fucking hydraulics. When Fred Durst dies, every gasoline pump will be occupied and no one will be pumping gas. Fitted caps are hanging a bit lower today. Fred Durst sadly was ripped apart by a pack of dogs earlier this afternoon. Who knew he had all those hot dogs in his pockets? The dogs.

Yeah, the dogs did. I figured it out. Keep rolling, rolling, rolling. Hot dogs keep rolling, rolling, rolling. You know what it meant, the song. With my big black boots and an old suitcase. What was that? To believe I found myself a new place.

That is God. Everclear. Yeah. Now Limp Bizkit. Yeah, they need a cover of that. Did they cover it? Yeah, they should now. Oh, my didn't cover it. Did they cover it? Yeah, they should now. Oh, my.

Unbelievable. Wow. Powerful. One of the co-administrators of the Facebook event, Andy Rowe, said, I have never laughed so hard like I have these last two days, yet understood so little about why it's funny in the first place. Asshole. He made the Facebook page. He said that... He made the Facebook page.

He said, I keep asking myself, why does it seem like the whole world is bent on seeing Limp Bizkit play at this gas station? It's like it's the only thing they have. Oh, but you know what? I love Limp Bizkit. And why aren't there, like you mentioned, what are they called, Biscuiters or something like that?

I don't know, Biscuit Heads is what I think. I like Biscuit Heads. What's the difference between them and a band like ICP? I mean, we have to give credit to ICP. Family. He's still doing it. Yeah, family. That's the one word, my friend, family.

ICP almost got, their fans got classified almost as a gang. They did. They are in the terrorist group. It's amazing. Yeah. And they were close at this gas station. That's the thing. You have 100 of the loneliest people in this world at this Sunoco.

They found each other. They got wallet chains. It was literally- The only people were dirty wife beaters. Every Tinder swipe left was at this gas station. Yes. Like everyone- Is that Tinder that swipes left?

Yes. They swipe left and swipe right. Well, I deserve more respect for the joke then bumble bumble is another oh bumble it's all pr it's all women in pr wearing bridesmaids oh i like that girls in control what is the girl's gotta message you first on yeah you yeah men can't message you first the women have the woman has to message you first. Put the girls at the wheel. Not like they can in Saudi Arabia. Very good point.

Actually true. All they say is, this is so hard. It's not that fucking hard. Just go bang. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I was looking at messages earlier today from a friend of mine. Are you on Bumble? No, I'm not on fucking Bumble. Are you cheating on Doug? Yeah, Bumble, Bumble, Bumble. Fuck, fuck, fuck. That's my Bumble song. That's what I sing when I'm looking at Bumble. Are you cheating on dog? Yeah, Bumble, Bumble, Bumble. Fuck, fuck, fuck. That's my Bumble song. That's what I sing when I'm looking at Bumble.

I looked at it when I was first single and lonely, and it's a... Bumble's awful. You know what I like to look at when I'm lonely? Newser.com. I love Newser. What's Newser? I found out about Newser through you. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah. It's a news aggregator. It's a collective of news stories. You mean it's like a yeah. It's a news aggregator. It's a collective of news stories. You mean it's like a newspaper. It's a newspaper. Yeah, but sometimes they have a story about, you know, Stephanie Seymour. Is it Stephanie Seymour? It is technically just, you're just saying you read the newspaper when you're lonely.

It's a different newspaper. I get alone a lot. Yeah, but it's different than just like, at least technically, it looks like maybe you're answering messages from a friend because you're doing it on your phone. Yeah. Yeah, but now you're just reading the newspaper. I'm not good at decisions. I got on Tinder.

I'm still looking at the same picture I've been looking at for two months. I can't decide. So you're just staring at the first one that popped up. I wish you could swipe up or down to know if she does anal or just gives head. You could just send a message technically but that would be that would probably I don't know or a picture of a full body

and you push the areas that you like or that they put and you have like a race it's like dating operation. Yeah.

And you just pick what parts and then you can put critiques on it. And then you swipe those to the right and then you get another person

and you swipe them to the right the parts you like and then you make your perfect person. Dr. Frankenstein. And then guys swipe those to the right, and then you get another person, you swipe them to the right, the parts you like, and then you make your perfect person. Dr. Frankenstein. Dr. Frankenstein. And then guys in the lab, they sew your woman together. They go out there and they kill those women that you've chosen.

Right. And they take out those parts and they sew together a ragged corpse. But they put the brain of a murderer in her. If I so choose. That's great. Well, let me know when that happens. That's the way I've dreamed about the world working. Perfect.

A la carte women parts. We'll call the app Frankenstein's Horny Mansion. I like that. Like that, right? You've got to ring to it. I wouldn't have joined Frankenstein's Horny Mansion in a second.

It would be like, I'm just an Igor looking for his shy-gor. It's tough to say you never know what you want. I would have done a lot better on Frankenstein's Horty Mansion than on Twitter. Or not Tinder. I did badly on Tinder. Yeah, you're a step above a talking skeleton. No, you look more of the human equivalent of spooky chain noises. I don't come off well on the internet

I think the joke would have been better with She-Gore though Henry Just got a lot fatter I am back You can take that joke and stick it up your head I'm an all star God damn it Wow we're on fire

Alright Stock 99 man that's all I'm saying That was great God damn it Wow we're on fire Alright Marcus It's Doc99 man that's all I'm saying That was great We killed peace That was nice You wanna do another story? I wanna stay in this I like this

The awkward middle is feeling right here This weird thing of being like Is this show over like forever? You know, what I've always thought this podcast needed was a moment of silence. Of just muddled confusion as to whether or not we'll continue. Yeah. Yeah. You know, you like to do the whenever you want to segue to the news story, you just do it.

Woodstock 99. Yeah, it was bad. Is there... I went to the Asics store today and it was closed. Alright, let's do another news story. I'll do it. I'll get into this. Do you want to do it?

Can you do it? 20 guesses about what the next news story is about. Okay, real quick. Is it about movies? No. Is it about guns? No. Dragons.

Is it about dragons? No. Is it about disease? No. Is it about drugs? No. Florida. You said drugs twice? No. Is it about disease? No. Is it about drugs? No. Florida. You said drugs twice.

No. You gotta go back and get that other one again. Is it about disease? No. Is it about guns? No. You can't do that. Is it about movies?

That's the same. You said all those three things, you keep saying them over and over again. All right, now it's time for another story by Marcus. An exotic primate is safe after the owner of an Oregon pet store used it as a payment for a sexual encounter with a prostitute. He used little Gooey the monkey to pay for sex.

Look at Gooey. Wait, the monkey paid for the primate? It's a primate. The primate paid for the sex? I think that's a lorax. A loris. I think that is a slow loris.

It could be a slow... No, its eyes aren't big enough. You don't fucking know anything. Actually, he's a galago. Okay, he's a good galago. Yeah, he's a galago. Wait, did she fuck that? No, she didn't fuck it. That was the payment, Jackie.

You don't fuck the money. You never fuck the money. Remember that, Jackie. the payment, Jackie. You don't fuck the money. You never fuck the money. Remember that, Jackie. What's the problem? Don't ever fuck the money. I was worried he had that banana peel in his hand, and it's like, ooh, why don't you come over here, girl? Why is he shocked like that?

What was that accent? Galago. Galago. Galago, you come here, girl. You wipe your vagina on my eyes, please. You come here, girl, you wipe your vagina on my eyes, please. I love your accents because it started off kind of like Eastern European and then got Jamaican at some point. You could have gotten one of the Carolins.

It's a problem both of them have. It's the Zabrowski curse. If you try to get Henry to do Irish, Jamaican every time. You know, I haven't done a Jamaican accent in a long time. That's all you do. Do it, man. Do Irish. Just do Irish. Oh, my God. That's all you do. Do it, man. Do Irish. Just do Irish.

Oh, my God. That's it. That's how I do it. Claudette Barnett. Yeah. No, bum-a-clot. I find that it's the only thing that, in order for me to get into the accent, that's like Daniel Day-Lewis for Lincoln, when he'd go, hey, suck a cock, in order to get into Lincoln.

For Lincoln, yeah. What I do for Jamaican is I go, ha, ha, like I'm a Jamaican man about to cum on a go. Okay, let's do an act out, right? I'll be approaching you at a jerky stand to purchase some jerky. I'd like some jerky. Yeah, I would love some jerky. What flavors do you have? It's a cum flavor.

A cum flavor? Yeah, salty. Salty cum flavor? So there's cum in the jerky? Yeah. Why are you sad now? A terrible salesman, Holden. Literally made your client sad.

All he wanted to do was buy cum jerky. I'm sorry, man. It's just, it's been hard. I don't got enough overhead for good ingredients. And then I become a... Come back around. All right. May the circle be unbroken.

You know, white people are always so sensitive about, you know, Jamaican accents. Do you think Jamaicans are upset when you do Irish accents? Are they like, he's racist? Jamaicans don't give a fuck, man. About anything. Kevin, you're not white. Can you just, like like tell everyone to calm

down you make it i'll try i've been trying man but it don't help people have been mad i've been trying jamaicans don't give a fuck man we just fucking hang out we eat a jerk chicken we eat a jerk pork shoulder and y'all do what you do there was literally the word the most panic i've ever seen a jama person was, there was a while where I was living in Jamaica for a couple months, and there was this dude every morning, he would yell, fire, fire, fire, fire. And that was because there was a fire down the street. Being reasonable.

There was a daily fire? I just feel like, from the way you describe it, I just feel like if you're constantly so hot, there's just no way to get upset about anything, you know? If you're just always that hot. That's not the land of guinea pigs, right? That's South America? Yeah, that's South America.

See, that just sounds like a whole other weird racist. No, I'm not trying to be racist. No, I know you're not. I know you're not. What race would guinea pigs be attached to? I don't know. Because the guinea pigs are bigger there, and then they race would guinea pigs be attached to? I don't know. Because the guinea pigs are bigger there, and then they eat the guinea pigs.

Yeah, the capybaras. And then they kill them, and they're like, ah! But no, they're also just guinea pigs. There's just guinea pigs that you can eat. No, they're big. No, that's capybaras. That's a jungle rat. That's like a cog.

Oh, now you sound right. That's what a guinea pig is. Jungle rat. I'm done with it. No, but that's a scientific term. For a guinea pig is a I'm done with it. No, that's a scientific term. For a guinea pig is a jungle rat? The copy bar, it's a jungle rat. It's a jungle rat. It's between a rat and a hog.

They're supposed to be very friendly. And a guinea pig. The guinea pig's in the middle there. They're more like a rat. They eat guinea pigs. I watched the documentary, and they scream when you kill them. What's the documentary called? I don't remember.

It's called Fun Things to eat when you're all fucked up Long title Week and they make those noises they make them eat meat But when you kill them their meeps are much shriller and much more upsetting and then you eat them and apparently it tastes great We got five stars on Netflix and apparently it tastes great. We got five stars on Netflix. We were all fucked up.

Isn't that weird? I can't believe it. Five stars, that's ironically because it's bad. Because, yeah, because it's bad. People are like, it's five stars. Yeah, right. That's it. That's how the rating system works.

Everything that's five stars is bad. Everything that's two stars is great. It wouldn't have been the funniest thing if Henry's fucking character is one star. He'd fucking dig it. He's so fucking metal. See, they always do that. I'm sure that's what it was. And you know, they loved us, man.

When I went into Netflix, they really did. Give me another shot. I'll be classier. I'll be classier and newer and smarter and gayer like all the rest of them are. You never will. All right. So, honestly, Marcus, I don't know what story we're in. We're on the man paid for sex with a monkey.

Oh, that's right. It's such a funny, it's a good premise. It's a great premise. I love it. In early March, Eugene, Oregon police received two reports of burglaries at the Zany Zoo pet store on Commerce Street. Two reports of burglaries at the Zany Zoo Pet Store on Commerce Street. A laptop computer, Girl Scout cookie money, and a Galago primate named Gooey were reportedly stolen from the store. But a Eugene Police Department investigation revealed the store's owner, Nathan Allen McClain, paid an out-of-town prostitute with store money, including the Girl Scout cash,

and tipped the prostitute for her services by presenting her with the animal. That's awesome. Okay, listen. Oh, this is awesome. Listen, I know, I know. her with the animal. That's awesome. Okay, listen. Now I know you want $200. Yes, yes, yes. How about, listen, I'm kind of behind a bunch of bills. What can I do? What can I do to get a blowjob? What can I do? You want to fuck a monkey? You want to fuck a monkey?

I'm going to get you a monkey. Alright. Oh, I know this thing. I don't know if it's a monkey. It looks kind of like a dog. If you didn't spend so much money on blow, you could have just paid me. I can get you, you goddamn monkey. Get off my fucking back. I think it just makes so much sense because I've been to Eugene, Oregon before, and I don't understand how that primate got there.

But you know, now that I listen to the story, 200 bucks, he paid the woman. It was the tip was the monkey. Yeah, the monkey was the tip. He paid with it. So that's a great, what is she complaining about? Well, in the course of investigating the alleged burglaries, investigators discovered the prostitute's identity from viewing surveillance video from business

near Zany Zoo. Eugene Police Detective Rick Lowe said, one video showed the prostitute in the area of the store in March. Lowe said he tracked her down at a Springfield Motel on March 17th and she cooperated, returning the primate from her Portland home and explaining what had happened.

Yeah, you're going to take the monkey back because I don't know what the fuck to feed it. I keep trying to put a diaper on it, but it keeps shitting everywhere. I got to say, I mean, these cops need something better to do. This was a working woman doing a great job. She did such a good job, she got tipped a monkey. What have you ever done that you've got tipped a monkey. What have you ever done that you got tipped a monkey? Never. Never.

But then you just got to care for it. And what's a prostitute going to do? She can't take care of her fucking self. She can't take care of it. You got to think of it, man. That's like probably a burden. He did it as an insult. Maybe what she did was so bad, he's like, I'm going to leave you with this monkey.

He's going to fuck your house up. Eat all your fruit. That's the thing. That was the angle he took. I'm going to leave you with this monkey. He's going to fuck your house up, eat all your fruit. That's the thing. That was the angle he took. I'm going to ruin this chick's life. Monkey curse. I don't know. That monkey looked adorable.

What's a fucking gremlin? You get wet and it starts shooting fucking eggs out of it. Yeah, but it's awesome. I am wondering how they knew that the money was Girl Scout cookie money. Because he reported it as Girl Scout cookie money. I think that... Yeah, because he took the Girl Scout... He stole it from his own offices and claimed insurance against it.

But did the John get arrested or just the woman? Well, Eugene Palouse arrested McClain on Thursday on a single count of patronizing a prostitute. EPD's investigation found McClain paid the prostitute for sex on March 1st. On March 19th, Oregon State Police arrested him in Albany on an unrelated charge of driving under the influence after he was

seen exiting a porno shop, apparently under the influence of methamphetamine. Why the fuck would anyone go to a porn shop? There's so much porn online. Yeah, you get that you buy the sex toys. It's old school. It's like I like reading a book on the train. Yeah, me too. Yeah, yeah, that's true. I love porno

magazines. He loves them. He loves them. If you go to his house, you will read one with him. And he's all plastered all over the bathroom, and then he's always in poses of the various things he sees in the magazines, like peeing on his own feet. Yeah, I've got one of those houses.

I didn't know that. Yeah, like a truck driver's house. Yeah, Henry's been to my house, the entire bathroom, All hustler women. Is that right? Yeah, he does this thing called, what was the name of that magazine? Bush Diggers Monthly? Oh, I've heard of that one.

Where the women have the bush on their butts, but they're clean shaven on their butts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's videos and it's pictures of men sticking spoons up women's vaginas. Oh, yes. Bush Diggers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which side of the spoon, yes. Bush stickers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which side of the spoon? The fucking digging side.

Yeah, the digger. I just wanted to make sure. Well, you know, I think it would be interesting if maybe they'd switch it up once in a while. It'd be kind of a monumental issue. I think it would be fun to have a good grip onto the spoon of it as you dig the handle up inside. That's true. Then you're just sticking a piece of metal in a woman. The other side is metal, too.

Jackie, you meant there's a whole magazine for that called Bush Stickers Monthly. Yeah. The old bizarre spoon there. Well, Zany Zoo Pets wrote on its Facebook page March 2nd that Gooey had been stolen from the store late February 29th or early March 1st. The store on March 6th wrote it was broken into a second time, but police said Friday they determined the burglary reports were unfounded. The missing Girl Scout money has not been recovered. I told you that my favorite movie was Dunstan Checks In,

and then he gives me this fucking monkey, and I was expecting to have some kind of fucking madcap antics, but instead I fucking bit my pussy. His name was Gooey, so I thought he'd be covered in combi, would he? So I tried to cover him in combi, would he still? All I hear is Charles saying,

I swear to God. Why do prostitutes talk? That's just how they talk. I get what they're doing for it. That's the kid who covers his face in like the Oreo cookies at lunch. That's not prostitute. I think in, like, the Oreo cookies at lunch. That's not a problem. I think it's fun to have a monkey. I tell you, if I get inside the table, net, net.

Bang, bang. You got to pay for its food and its shots and shit. That's where AIDS came from. That's why it's dangerous because my job is fuck. Yeah? So, ma'am, I don't really want to talk to you about your monkeys right now. You're at the jerky store. Is there anything you'd like in terms of jerky?

Yeah, I had the Camp David Jenkins. No one knows what you're saying. I think you might have said something. I was saying that Camp David Jenkins. Coming on the jerky right now. That's what you're saying? Camp David Jerky. I'll tell you, man.

Honestly, I zoned out for the last five minutes. Yeah. But I came back into it and agreed with everything you said. Five stars. Oh, by the way, Galagos, you know what they're more commonly known as? Interesting. Bush babies. Oh.

That's a harder sell. We all started off as little bush babies. Man, I'll give you a bush baby as a tip. You're like, all right. I can't be pregnant. Nobody wants to fuck a fat woman like me. Oh, that's not true. She's fat just because she talks like that.

She just might have big jaws. She just means pregnant. Might have a big tongue. Bush baby. Love a bush baby. The reason why they're called bush babies is because they're tiny and they cry loudly. And that cry vaguely resembles that of a human baby. So it's just a constantly screaming tiny little primate.

He tipped for a baby. He gave her a baby. I love the baby. That cannot learn. He gave her a baby. What kind of babies are you going to have that's going to be able to learn anyway? May as well have a galagal. I love a galagal, and I love a bush baby.

I can't wait to be a father. Wow. Wow. Wow, actually, I think that's great. Yeah, thank you. Listen, this is a bush baby. Oh, my God. That's awful.

That's awful. You can imagine that in the office all day. And then just being like, I've got to get rid of this fucking bush baby. I know what I'll do. I'll give it to that whore. Yeah. Zany Zoo. Lucky lady give it to that whore. Yeah. Zany zoo.

Lucky lady. I think that's sweet. An animal in need is an animal in deed, and I love it. I love it. We don't know about that. Why does a needy animal make it an animal? I'd hold it until it stopped crying. You mean choking it?

I'd hold it real tight. Oh, my God. Yeah. You're going to kill it stopped crying. You mean choking? And it'd hold it real tight. Oh, my God. Yeah. You're going to kill it with your bare hands? I'd hold it for three, four minutes real tight until it just went to bed. I love the rabbit. So it went to bed? Yeah.

What's your definition of going to bed? I remember when my mom went to bed when she was 70 years old. And she'd never go back up. Len Lenny you're at the jerky restaurant we don't really know about your mother oh this donkey just tastes kind of like oh when mom cleans the kitchen why is it taste like that kind of like like alcohol and kind of salty but it looks like icing just ignore ignore him. All right. Very good. There's cum on the jerky. There's cum on the jerky. It's always cum on the jerky.

And you fed it to that simple boy. The cum can be kind of bleachy smelling and tasting. Ammonia. Yeah, that's what we talked about. Key ingredient in jerky seasoning. Are you going to have to cut all of that out? No, that was great. You're actually doing well.

I feel good. You're not being... Say what you're not being because then you'll do it. The second you start, though, my brain starts to... They get revved up. Why do we get so evil? What's in us? You're Polish.

Okay, now we stop you. Well, the thing about this podcast is what it does is end careers. Yes. We've just all been. I mean, you've been selling shows, Kev. Yeah, but they fail. All fail. Not running out of luck.

It's interesting about how. Oh, that's not. Don't put that on us. Don't put your failure on us. I blame characters on this show. Yeah, exactly. I blame characters on this show. We all made artistic risks that in the end will prove that we made bold choices.

Oh, we don't have a trans character in our character special. We're not going there. Did you think about writing in a trans character? Well, I wanted to do it because I thought trans meant that it was a woman who turned into a car or a helicopter. Christine or Maximum Overdrive. You're thinking of a Trans Am. Ah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's totally different. I would love to make the woman turns into a helicopter thing. I mean, I will say. Oh, lovely date we're having right now. That's the special. That is the special because. We can turn the whole Netflix shit around, man.

Let's do it. Oh, I can't use your bathroom because I'm a tractor, huh? Yeah. Yes. I identify as a Corvette. Oh, man. I love that. Oh, I can't use your bathroom because I'm a tractor, huh? Yeah. I identify as a Corvette. Oh, my God. All right. Yeah, I would identify.

I don't know what I would do. Maybe a Jeep Wrangler. I don't think you're that cool, darling. Oh, thanks, Jack. Pontiac. You've never said darling before. I would say Pontiac. El Camino.

Really? With the back? I would say more like a El Camino. Really? With the back? I would say more like a... I'm extremely cool. No, you're like one of those cars that's a boat when you drive it and you kind of like... An Oldsmobile? An Oldsmobile. I'll take Oldsmobile.

I actually like Oldsmobile because I like tapes. Yeah, Cutlass. Yeah, and they have tape decks. Sadly, and this is not just because of your height, but I would say that you'd be a limo. That's classy. Look, check it out. 1999 Oldsmobile Cutlass. Yeah, and they have tape decks. Sadly, and this is not just because of your height, but I would say that you'd be a limo. That's classy. Look, check it out. 1999 Oldsmobile Cutlass. That's Kissel.

That's Kissel. Cutlass is Kissel. That's the first thing I thought. I'm convenient. I'm obviously par 10 feet away from a fire hydrant just because I'm legal. That's nice. I just got a ticket for that, man. Did you really?

I thought I was 10 feet away. Apparently, I was 7 or 8. You got to use your feet to measure. Yeah, yeah. They fuck me up, man. They're all types of shit. I hate it. Systemic racism.

It is what it is. That's how I would describe you, Kissel. Convenient and legal. Thank you. I do a lot of fun things with a lot of fun people. Fast times sometimes for old Benny. Yep. Yeah, it is fast times.

Oh, my God. You wouldn't believe it. The other day, I was like, I'll walk around the block, and then I didn't. You surprised yourself. Yeah. We should go to Coney Island and take off our shoes. No. Ew.

But I'll watch you do it. Okay. Bring a GoPro. You know what would be take, I'll watch you do it. Okay. Take a, bring a GoPro. You know what would be fun? I get wild. Don't bring a towel. Ooh.

You're bad. I'm being bad. I'm being dry. Just air dry. Oh my God. You know what we should do? Lick the sand. Ooh.

Actually, that is disgusting. Yeah, that's true. You should play vacuum. Not at Kony. Lick up the sand. Play vacuum cleaner.

I want to be an airplane that lands in the water. Okay. Oh, yeah. You can be that. A Catalina? Is that what they're called? Is it a pontoon boat?

No, it's an airplane. It's an airboat. It's like a boat plane. Boat plane? It's a plane boat. Boat pontoon? Boat plane. Boat plane.

What do they call a boat plane? Seaplane. Jack, you're a real seaplane. That's actually sexist. We have to edit that out. Actually, that would be a disgusting... That would be... If Jock had said that while you were at the beach.

Yeah, why don't you take me off into the air? Oh, I'm going to land bumpy on the water. Seaplane. Flip, flip, flip, flip. Oh, water. I'm a seatless bicycle. That's not technically That's not really a ride

That's not a car That's not a bonus Get that octopus with a saddle on it Out of this women's bathroom One star Just because of an octopus with a saddle on it Doesn't mean I can't take a shit. Oh.

I think it does. It actually, yeah. You can totally take a shit. It's true. It's just eggs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Now it's time for a segment from old McNeely.

Oh, this is going to be a surprise for everybody because I had to come up with it 10 minutes ago. You had literally had all week. Yes, but I didn't mention anything. Good. And I didn't do it or say it. The segment is we got a new $10 bill. Yes.

What's going to be on this $10 bill? For me, I'm old school, right? You know me, old Holden. When you call up old Holden and it's on a wooden phone, you're like, hey, let's play some badminton. Yep. Alright? I'm going to go with it's in the little circle part, it's

Cynthia Hedgehog kissing Dr. Robotnik. And it says over the top, it says, finally we can be friends again somehow. Right? That's a lot of work. That's a lot of work. A bunch of shit, right? Totally.

Because on the back, we go traditional, totally. The pyramid with the eyeball on it, you know what I'm saying? Get a little Illuminati going, have people guess and stuff. But Mag Magazine, if you fold it in, it will go with an old guy sucking his own dick. If you fold it in. How old? How old? How old?

I'm that crazy. Like, you know, 69. 69. There you go. That's great. Yeah, not even that old. I don't even know what the segment is oh yeah

there's a new $10 bill you gotta pick what's on like you know how they put Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill now you got the $10 bill yeah you got a new $20 bill all of America is brave

to choose Harriet Tubman oh my goodness I'll throw some things out there too maybe there's some I didn't really do this in mind but maybe there's some

ain't I a woman there's some security measures or something like that like they do with the $10 bill holograms and stuff or whatever. By the way, I will say this about Harriet Tubman. She would not like to be on the $20 bill. She was against capitalism and what it created because capitalism was tied to slavery. So Harriet Tubman, ironically enough, would not want to be on the current state of the enslaved.

You are fucking boring, man. Nobody gives a fuck about the black struggle, man. Don't say it. You would not be happy. Yesterday's news. Signing the hedgehog would be way into it because he loved his golden rings. He loved them. That is true.

Yep. You needed them to survive. Yeah. New $10 bill, I say we put on there my dad because my dad is cool he came to all that shit school meetings all he was at all that shit you know what i'm saying it's my fucking dad i talk about him i think about him i call him not enough by the way my dad makes a mean jerk pork shoulder and he says he do it like none of the rest and it's true so my dad should be on a $10 bill you know what else it's also good promotion for me

because even like who doesn't got $10 bill. And you know what else? It's also a good promotion for me because he'll be like, who this nigga on a $10 bill? I'll be like, my dad. And like, oh shit. And people that don't even know my dad be like, I think that's Kevin's dad on the bill. Twitter followers. Twitter followers. Good point, Kevin. I would put a Frito.

I love a Frito-Lay. What does it mean to America? To be free. So you changed the spelling to F-R-E-T-O? F-R-I-T-O. Traditionalist. Yeah, traditional. He's old school. Yeah, he's old school.

That's it. Like me. Yeah, I mean, what do people buy in this country? We're fat as fuck. We buy Fritos, among other things. Mostly Fritos. On the front side, it's going to have a big middle finger. And it's going to say, fuck the government on the front.

And on the back, it's going to be a big fucking dildo. It says, also fuck yourself. But the thing is that it's going to be made out of a nice foldable plastic. So that if you did say, sure, want to fuck yourself with the $10 bill, you can. As a woman or anally as a man. So now, is this going to be presented by Spike TV or are you just going to- You know, yeah. If you want to splash it with tequila and shove it up inside you and hope for the best,

I'm down. Do you know what I like about these two $10 bills? They smell like limes. Yeah. Or cocaine. Done. There it is. Good job, Jackie.

What I'm going to do. Henry Parsamont Zebrowski. My middle name is Parsamont. Which is French for big old sorcerer's cock. Wow, okay. You got to rush through. Well, they can do magic on their penis to make it larger. I have seen Henry hold his penis in his hands many a time before, and it's very big.

They're tiny hands. It's normal. Like, look. Small penis. I push it. Compare. Compare. He's got big hands.

No, he does not. Yeah, but Henry has small hands. Henry and I both have really small hands. One time, Henry and I went to the lake one time. I have a good-sized penis. It's a fine-sized penis. We went to the lake one time. I also got these mitts.

I got these fucking grubby. These tiny hands, they grip. They grip and pull the lake one time. I also got these mitts. I got these fucking grubby, these tiny hands. They grip. They grip and pull and they twist. He's got raccoon hands. Your hands are so sweaty. I have raccoon hands. You'll never be the raccoon that's inside of me.

Continue, Parsimant. Parsimant. Sabrowski. I'm going to be brave. Okay. And I am going to first commission the government to develop a time machine. And I'm going to go back

in time and I'm going to shoot every slave owner in the head. Okay. And end slavery before it started. Then I'm going to come back and I'm going to put Harriet Tubman first astronaut and first female president on the $10 bill.

And on the back of it, I'm going to put a weed leaf because gunja. Yeah. I don't know if that. It doesn't work. It's not my segment. Yeah, that doesn't work because if there were no slaves, then why would. Yeah, there's no Harriet Tubman. She still would have been around, but she would have been arrested.

All the black people in America would be like immigrants. They'd be like Indians. Yeah, they would come and be like, oh, thank you, thank you for all the gifts you give. And then she would have been maybe a business owner. You just shot a bunch of people in the head. Slave owners. Might have shot an ancestor of mine. Who knows?

I might not be here right now. Here's the thing. I don't care about these butterflies. Slavery brought people together. You see, like literally. I wouldn't exist. Literally, you wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be here. We technically, they, I'm not going to say brave choices were made by the people that started slavery.

What I will say is that there were things, there were side effects to the whole thing that ended up being really nice. They kept them alive on the boats to get them over. For the most part. A lot of times they didn't keep them alive. A lot of times they threw them over. Did you ever see Roots? They just kept throwing them overboard.

Is that that show about plants? It's not about FIFO. FIFO goes west. Or an American tail. So did I win the segment? No. No, absolutely not. We're going with a go fuck yourself, Bill. The Frito thing was really good.

You ain't going to vote for my dad. He probably listened to this shit. I like your dad. I like your dad just fine. I've never met your dad. I think you should vote for his father. Yeah. Marcus, you're being a bad man right now.

He'll cook up that jerk pork shoulder, man. I'm telling you, that shit is real. I bet it's really good. I bet it's really good. But Jackie's just got... It's just what I want to see America be. You want to go fuck yourself with the fucking $10 bill? However, I would like to try the pork jerk.

I'm going to fly him up. I'm going to fly him up there. Yeah. Can you actually? I will kiss your father if you will have me. He doesn't want to have you. All right, that's the round table. Holden's got to go see his girlfriend in her play, but literally plug the play.

I'm going as well. Oh, Matt and Ben. Matt and Ben at the pit. Check it out. Lexi's got to play a new play in town. Also. What are the quiz? Do you remember the dates and times of the show?

Ooh, the 30th is one of them. This next Saturday and Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday at 9.30. But Saturday it's at 11 p.m. Saturday it's at 11 p.m. Also, Monday night, which usually this comes out on Monday night, so tonight maybe if you're listening to it now,

probably going to be the best episode of Lexi Loves Game Night on Twitch of the whole series. Okay, it was for Lexi's play, not your Twitch. Well, also, but she's involved in that as well. She'll be don her lexicutioner hood throw a quick shout out to that to old uh uh dead glass design uh sean over there sent us a lexicutioner hood out in australia also um check out uh i'm kid safes that's his twitch handles uh red tube page and you will get holden t-shirts he's selling holdenator t-shirts right now andrew parker's also get Holdenator t-shirts.

He's selling Holdenator t-shirts right now. Andrew Parker's also selling Holdenator t-shirts. So you guys get on that. Check out Henry Zabrowski on page seven for the next few fucking weeks.

Yeah. If you want to see where this fucking trio of me, Henry and Marcus is going. And I'll tell you where it's going. To Delightful Town.

Toilet, toilet, toilet. I just got a little farty here. A to Z is on Thursdays on NBC. Is it still on? Oh, yeah. Where are you up to now? We're on Double C. And in this next episode, Bird Woman.

I forgot the name. I think Big Bird was the name of the woman who played my boss. And her character's name was Big Bird Woman. She fucking gets ripped apart by a bunch of saws after she opens up a hellish puzzle box. All right, so this is the round table. Follow everyone on Twitter and Facebook and all that stuff. We have a good Facebook group to follow that.

I'm playing Donkey Kong Tropical Freeze. I'm playing Dark Souls. It's really fun. Yeah, Kevin's playing Dark Souls too. I'm playing real life. Thank you. Jackie's a breath of fresh air. Talk to you all soon.

Bye. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.