The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 287: Milk, Milk, Lemonade

Episode Date: May 10, 2016

The gang is joined by Christi Chiello, Nick Vatterott, and Momma Larson to dish about escaped bees, Jay Z's torrid affair, and the recent banana-eating-livestream ban in China.

The Roundtable. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Ladies and gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. gentlemen, always civility.

Alright, everybody, this is the round table. Gentlemen, we got no Marcus and no Ben. Sitting in for Marcus, and I'm sitting in for Ben, and Nick Vado out sitting in for me, but first we have a prayer from Christy Cello and my mother. Take it away, ladies.

Okay, let's all bow our heads, let us pray. Dear God, we want to thank you for this lovely day in which we celebrate our mothers. You want to take it from here? And God bless everybody from Mother Dearest Kathy, Eddie's mom. Amen. Amen. Father and son, the whole is here.

Beautiful prayer. All of our prayers should have been son, the Holy Spirit. Beautiful prayer. All of our prayers should have been forever, the whole time. All this Hail Satan stuff y'all doing. It's not right, man. We record on Sundays. We're not. They're not here. We love Jesus.

We don't. We're not the Hail Satan people. This is the way the podcast should have been. Mark just said that. Henry, you're the Satan people. They're the Satan people. We're Jesus number one. All these Sundays, we come here at 6, 36, whatever it is, every Sunday, and there's

night service. Man, I could be at church, so we should just be preaching to these people. Prophesy it. I went with Lexi to Easter service. Take 30 seconds for God. Oh, that's a lot of pressure right now. Tell God everything you ever wanted to see God. My favorite thing about God? The way he lets me shine, man.

Jesus Christ. Beautiful. Praise his name, man. Ew, don't praise his name. Why? We're the Jesus ones. The evil, I feel it too in the room. The evil is vanquished. The spirit, the evil spirit. I do feel less devil today. Yes, in the room. The evil is vanquished. The spirits, the evil spirits.

I do feel less devil today. Yes. Less tainted. All right. Pure. They took their little trinkets with them, too. The little trinkets that give them evil power. They took that to Chicago.

The amulets. Right? With the special place rupees. Where are they? Why are they not here? They're in Chicago. They were doing last podcast on the left live in Chicago. I really enjoyed the fact that both Kissel and Henry missed their flight.

And I like that Barnett said it's because they're hailing Satan. That's exactly right. If they had God in their heart, they wouldn't have missed the flight. That's true. God missed it on purpose. So he wouldn't have to do the podcast. So he wouldn't have to be here. That's a vile accusation.

And that's some stuff the devil would do. The devil would do that. He'd be like, hey, why don't we hang out at this airport bar and get loaded. And pay lots and lots of money for a new flight. Hit on something. They were literally at a bar when they're like, oh, we missed our flight. And I know his flight was at 1 and we got the text at like 1230. Right, right.

Yeah, we're going to miss it. What is it, Mom? They found the flying nun and went the wrong direction. All right, this is the round table, and who's all around this round table? I'm Jackie Zabrowski. Man, Ed's all the way

on the other side of the table. I have so much room that my UD hole is just smiling. I am. I got so much room. I can swing my arms around. And no, I don't even hit anybody. Y'all are all packed over there like sardines.

Not me, man. I got an ocean of comfort. What's your Udi hole been saying to you lately? Oh, it goes, hi, Jackie. I'm ready for a baby. Oh, no, UD hole. We've got to sew that up. We've got to block that off.

It starts screaming it at a certain age. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I just wrap Saran Wrap over it and hope for the best. That's right. And we have... Hoganators, ho! Oh! Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

Ed, you're doing a great job. Thank you. I'm moving this thing along. You're rushing the hosting to a point where I am starting to question everything, dude. I'm not even going to say anything. I got nothing bad or mean to say, because you do what you bring to the table.

Does this mean that there are no PlayStation shout outs because I'm hosting? Zero because you're fucking nailing it. God damn. We're going to get rid of Ben or demote him.

How do you think Ben would take a demotion? Secretary of Treasurer probably he would be. Yeah. He works at Fox News. I think he's pretty good

with money. That's it. That's all I got to do. No shout outs. Kevin, four is fucking yours. Bert Luger, what do you got?

Oh yeah, I'm here. Kevin Barnett. I just want to say to all of our listeners, no matter what you're going through, whatever your trials and tribulations are,

just remember to always let go and let God. Amen. Amen to that. Beautiful. Hallelujah. Goddamn, that was goddamn great.

And we have two wonderful chuckle-hutters today. Miss Christy Chellos. Hi. Hello. Hi, I'm happy to be here. And I just want to say that I've never missed a flight ever because I always have Jesus in my heart. Yeah. Good for you.

Put wings on that angel. Thank you. Thank you. And Mr. Nick Vatterot. What's up, buddy? Hi, everybody. You know what I've been thinking about lately? I've been having thoughts of children.

You know, I used to have the uterus thing, Jackie. I have a baby. I want... Your uterus is on its deathbed. It's last words. Sounds like Guadalupe from fucking Total Recall. It's so funny. Put a baby in me so I can take it to my grave.

Wow. You know, but I'm thinking about kids recently. Yeah? But I don't, but I want, I think I like the idea of a kid, but then the, you know, the constant, it's always, I'm ready to be a weekend dad. Buy an old one. What's that? Buy an old one.

Buy an old kid? God, buy like a 15-year-old. But I want to see, I want to see my eyes in his eyes. Well, then have a baby. Is that the whole point? Have a baby, wait 15 years, put it in the desert or something and then you go get it when it's 15.

And when it's ripe? When it's ripe, pick it from the tree. Then you donate your eyes to him. Or you could donate your eyes to a 15-year-old wide-eyed boy. My eye in his eye. And last but not least in the chocolate hut, my beautiful mother.

How you doing? Happy Mother's Day, Mom. Happy Mother's Day, guys. Happy Mother's Day. Thanks, everybody. I had the biggest baby, Ed. He was close to 15 pounds.

14 pounds, 13 pounds. 14 pounds, 13 pounds. I was the biggest baby born in Florida. Are you serious? Yes. You should see the picture. Obnoxious.

Yeah, she's holding me in my foot still in the vagina. I thought of putting him in a freezer. That's a huge baby. Yeah, it was a big old baby. We'll show you pictures later. And how was everything? How was your day, Mom? We had a very lovely day.

I picked her up at the Port Authority. Then we went through a little market. She's tangoing with a rose in her mouth. I did not get her to that. A Greek man gave that to her. I was a little upset about that. Was he attractive?

Oh, he was hot. Yeah, I bet he was. I told him I know Greek. He said, yeah. And I said, yeah. I know Greek. He said, yeah. And I said, yeah, I know your salad. That's right. He probably prefers boys.

We know how they are. The Greeks. Classic Greek. No, they're just playing leapfrog. That's why. They can't play leapfrog because they're all over and over. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're too hairy for leapfrog.

They end up Velcroing to each other's backs. Then they start fucking each other. Your mother. She's right here. I know. Can't change the show because she's in the room. Change a little bit. What did you like the most about the Greek man's looks?

What part of the Greek man did you appreciate? Did you see his chest hair? He was screaming out his shirt. He wouldn't unbutton his shirt. He wouldn't unbutton his shirt. No, but he pulled down his pants. That's hot out. And I said, you're shaking the wrong part.

His butt was really hot. Yeah, a nice firm butt. Fantastic. Bow, bow. They're a warrior race, those people, you know? Yeah, I know. That's why they got those good butts. A nice, firm butt. Yeah. Fantastic. Bow, bow. All right. They're a warrior race, those people, you know? Yeah, I know. Yeah, that's why they got those good butts.

Oh, he hung low, too. All that time fighting, man. Those stances. You got to hold them. Don't want them hanging too low, because then it's a problem. That's an issue. Well, you know, I told them to sing my favorite song. Oh, do your balls hang low?

Do they? Yeah. Tying them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow? Can you throw them over your shoulder like a continental shoulder? Do your balls hang low? That second verse is regional. Oh, you

dirty little pollock, does your mama know you're out? With a hole in your britches and your dickie sticking out. Second verse, same as the first. A little bit louder and a little bit worse. Oh, yeah! Got you on the pole! He's just going to do this the whole show now. That's what the ice cream van

used to play when you'd go down the street. The dirtiest... It's like the dirtiest jingles. And if you were a little Polish kid, you got no ice cream. We had so many good jingles. What was the one with the guy playing ping pong with his balls? I'll remember it later.

No tight news story with Miss Mary Kelly. China bans erotic banana eating live streams. What? China bans erotic banana eating live streams. What? China bans erotic banana eating live streams. Yeah, so apparently they can't do much for porno on the internet in China, so they have women eat

bananas very slowly, and now that is banned. So women are no longer allowed to eat bananas on the internet. What about apples? What about oranges? It depends. If she bites them, yes. If she tries to swallow them, no. I prefer to see it chomped into for my goodies, to get my goodies off, if you guys know what I mean.

Jackie, what would a woman who was recently told she can no longer lick bananas on livestream, what would she say? Oh, I don't know. I guess I keep the peel on instead and I nibble on the outside nub. I just imagine nub nibblers. Yeah, nub nibblers.

And I feel like that'll get banned eventually too but people will be so disgusted for about a year that I think they'll be able to keep it on. Now do you think it's only bananas because they're yellow? It is currently, according to the New Express Daily. You got in there, baby.

Oh, yeah. That reaction was amazing. I can't imagine they're a big, like, zucchini culture, though. No, no, no, no. Maybe. I mean, what do they got? They got pea shoots. What's in the salads? What do they have when you, like, zucchini culture, though. No, no, no, no. Well, maybe. I mean, what do they got? They got pea shoots.

What's in the salads? What do they have when you go to the restaurant? Bamboo. Bamboo. They like bamboo. That's if you can get it. Chestnuts. Chestnuts.

They like chestnuts. That's what panda bears eat. Yeah, yeah. They eat bamboo. You could suck on a bamboo. Yeah, you can. Yeah, absolutely. You can make a straw out of it.

Or aren't they poisonous? When you get caught up. Huh? Aren't bamboo, isn't it, like, something about it that they're not, they're bad, that you're not supposed to, like you're thinking of granddaddy long legs. Oh, I'm thinking of spiders. Spiders aren't poisonous even though they look scary. Right.

You're right. That's what I was going to say. Bamboos? I didn't want to say it. I didn't want to embarrass her. Bamboos is a very sturdy plant. You can, a cylinder's almost... Yeah, you can build stuff with.

Yeah, yeah. That's what you're thinking of. What else is going on with these bananas, Mary? Oh, well, they're banning them, and apparently the new regulations say that live streaming sites must constantly monitor their output around the clock to make sure that nothing untoward is going on,

keeping an eye out for any pornography. Among the ban includes that now wearing stockings and suspenders while hosting a live stream is also... No suspenders or stockings. Or stockings. Don't those technically cover up the body? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, close, yes.

Suspenders suspended. But, like, what do they mean by banned? Like, it's illegal to do that? There's lots of weird laws in China. Yeah. One of my favorite Instagrams to follow is this Chinese girl. And I forget what it's called, but she puts her face in bread. Like, she just face plants the bread.

And people love it. Is it like a butt thing? I don't know, but all different kinds of bread every day. She just puts her face in it. Just slams her head down. And people love it. Are it like a butt thing? I don't know, but all different kinds of bread every day she just puts her face in it. Just slams her head down. Are you sure she's Chinese? I've never seen bread in China. Thank God you're right. I'm excited to see bread.

Oh, here she is. Let's watch her do it. Oh, yeah. She's just smashing her face in that bread. Over and over again. She's definitely Chinese, too. No question about that. You can tell?

Yeah, absolutely. The rounder face, the moon. Okay, they look like... Ah, a Chinese person looks like the moon. That makes sense, finally. A moon child, right? That's something you're not supposed to say. Look at that face.

Oh, wow, she's really good. Oh, there's dough? People love it. She like massages it. There it is. There we go. What's her name? Is she old enough to be doing this?

Bread Face Blog. You gotta follow it. It's pretty cool. It's like what a cat does. It's like he's making biscuits. One more. We have to see three more. Let's watch three more of these.

Oh, this is late at night. This is a sleepy one. It's like blanket bread. This one's a little more sensual. Yeah. It looks like she kissed. Oh. Full bread and a tortilla. It's like blanket bread. This one's a little more sensual. Yeah. It looks like she kissed it. I feel bad about it. I don't know why.

I do. It's not sexy. Oh, cornbread. Last one. Is it going to crumble? Oh, yeah. No, that's old cornbread. She's got soft hands.

It'll be fine. Oh, what a mess. I bet she regrets that one. Cornbread's all kind of slimy, too. Don't think I understand why just the banana. You can eat anything seductively.

I know the shape of a banana, but what about anything? That's just silly. That's just a silly thing to me. In the article, they said that they interviewed people, and one person they interviewed said they will all start eating cucumbers, and if that's no good, yams. Oh. Yams.

Yams are too big. That's a big jump up. Yeah. Yeah. Too big. There's a thing bulbous. There's so many other options. Yeah.

Yams. You can do it do mozzarella sticks. Chopsticks even. No, chopsticks. That's not fun. Chopsticks are tiny, tiny. That's too tiny. Although, maybe they'd like that.

Who knows? But this is just live streaming, though. Yeah. So you can still take a picture and post it or take a video and post it to your Instagram? I don't know. I don't know. Oh, I don't know. You're arrested, I think.

I think that's a good area. They arrest people pretty easily. I saw a video one time with some guy protesting the government in China. And the van pulled up and they just put him in the van and no one ever saw him again. Bye-bye, man. That's just how things are settled over there. I mean, it gets things done. It makes them scared to do it.

That's for sure. Something's working. We got to get you out there. It makes them scared to do it. That's for sure. Something's working. We got to get you out there. We got to get you to China. They would love you. I want to be on a bullet train. That's Japan. That's Japan.

No, you're not going to Japan. Japan's the fun one. You're going to China. Japan is the fun one. I'd rather Japan. I'd rather Japan because China's just so hot. It's just a lot. So many people. I think that's my problem.

And I don't know how to ride a bike. Don't you have to ride a bike there? I think you can get Flintstone cars. Oh, that's fine. Yeah, you can paddle. Or you can sit in a wheelbarrow and they'll take you around. The rickshaw. There's this whole thing where it's horrifying that they've been doing out there.

I think it's China where if you hit somebody with your car, a lot of people have been going back and making sure the person is dead. They'll go run over them again. Oh, man. So that the person, it's less. They don't get sued or whatever. That's just been, that's like a phenomenon.

But is that manslaughter? I saw this a while ago. I think they're happy to have less people. Yeah, that's the thing. I think you get a thank you card when you go to somebody. Yeah. That is crazy. Yeah.

What do you think? India is going to be the biggest country. Pretty soon, in like five years, they're saying. Yeah. Yeah, they're going to have more people than China. In what? In how many years? Like five years.

Yeah. Well, those Indian guys, they're horny goats. They really are. Horny goats. God bless are. Horny goats. God bless them. They eat that hot food and then they just get horny. Yeah, it's either going to come out the front or it's going to come out the back.

I just feel like Marcus's presence is over this and we're going to get in trouble. He's already in trouble. I feel like the principal is going to listen to this. We haven't said anything wrong. We've just been saying facts. We've just been saying facts. We've just been saying facts. Okay, we've been saying facts.

I'm just, I'm so comfortable over here in my room that I don't even know. You know, I don't know what's going on. You need sunglasses right now. I got them. Put them on, girl. Yeah, chill out, man. Take it to the next level. Yeah, wear my mama's sunglasses.

He just bought me some. I bought my mama's sunglasses. Yeah, I got some for her and I got some for the roommate. There these sunglasses. Yeah, I got some for her and I got some for the roommate. There you go. Those are nice. Look at these fucking things. These aren't your run-of-the-mill $5 sunglasses.

Those ain't fucking going nowhere. These are nice. You look so cool. Thank you. I feel like I have your spirit in me. Alright, they're touching. She just gave her a bamboo plant And she will spread fast So what do you think mom

Next vacation we go on China Or Vietnam China or Vietnam I like Vietnam Those eggs that are like little baby birds are still in the egg. You eat them. And you can buy a child for anything, like for whatever you want. Yeah.

Just to stand there. You're like, I love you, Daddy. That's all you have to do. That's all you have to do. You can pay a woman to listen to you complain about your life. So what do you think, Mom? China or Vietnam for our next vacation? Nah.

Neither? Next. You got next.? Nah. Neither? Next! You got next. No vacation. I just skip on that vacation. Would you go to Poland? No, I'd go to Russia. Yeah!

That's the last place I would go. Choose Russia as a vacation? Why do you want to go to Russia so bad? Well, they like body parts. Wow. That is a vague and scary sentence. Get the body part museum.

That could mean anything. That could absolutely mean anything. Just don't go in your taxi cabs. They drop you off. Oh, yeah. They don't give an H. Taxis are a lot of money for body parts. Oh, yeah, that's right. They do chop you up and sell you in Russia It's a good thing

It's because they don't They're not a lot of extra money They're named communism Yeah but that's what the vodka is for I feel like you only looked at me when you said that It's one of the laughs I know how to milk it He's a pro He's a pro

He's a pro God damn it I fucking got my Hosted shoes on They're a gazillion They light up Alright Mary Let's go to another

News story Millions of bees Released in interstate Crash A semi-carrying Beehives crashed On a Wyoming Highway

Unleashing millions Of bees that hovered In a giant swarm Over the roadway Jesus Christ Sounds like a nightmare. Then what happened? It's not real. It's not real. Wyoming Highway Patrol

trooper Aaron Peter said that the driver apparently fell asleep at the wheel and the truck veered off the roadway, landing on its side. Peter said that the driver refused medical attention and was more worried about recovering the bees and getting back on the road. Help me grab these bees.

I got a bucket. Throw them in the bucket. Grab them from the air. Are you sure this wasn't just like Beyonce fans? Just like you got, put the lemonade and just went fucking nuts? Beyonce now. Beyonce. That would be a cool change for her if she just showed up in a bee costume and just started calling herself Beyonce.

I think it's a great idea. The question is, why did he think possibly that he could recover these bees? What did he need them for? Here, bee, bee, bee, bee, bee, bee. Get him. No, you have beep, beep, beep, beep. Yeah. Get him. No, you have to buzz. They only buzz it. I'm here.

I love this corner. It's like you're in your own little booth. You're in your own little world over there. It's great. I'm having a great time, guys. It's like brighter on that side of the room, too. I don't even know what's going on. I don't know what's happening.

I think it's because I'm not under the shadow of Ed like I usually am. True. Would you like to be a queen bee and get, you know, taken by the hive? No, because they get cuddled to death. Have you guys seen that? I just, like with the queen bee, when it's her time to go, all of the other bees get closer and closer and closer to her and hover around them and then use their body heat to cuddle her to death. I think that's kind of sweet, though.

I guess it's like a respect thing. They must eat her. But I don't know if I can handle being loved to death. I'd be like, get away from me. I'm being smothered. Wow. Oh, wow. They really do.

There's a picture of it. But they must know that it's, you know, the queen bee's time to die. You know, it's like someone who's in the hospital is going to die. All her friends, family are there. This is their last. Celebrating. She's going to go soon. Better cuddle her to death.

All right. Get on her. That's like the way I want to death. Alright, get on her. That's like the way I want it now. Just roll it on top of me. She's a human trampoline now. You basically toss and turn with her in the bed until the plug comes out. I like it.

So I guess, yeah, I mean, I guess I would be a queen bee. I mean, she doesn't have to do any work. That's pretty great. Except for get screwed by the whole hive. Constantly. Sure. Christy, queen bee, no queen bee?

Would you rather be a lady bee in disguise? Oh, gosh, maybe. No, I'd be the queen bee for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah. I don't want to be a worker bee.

That's the thing. That's awful. It's like I'd rather, yeah. First order of business. As a queen bee? Yeah. To get all my ladies in formation. That's an army.

Sorry. I like it. What does it mean? That's an army. Sorry. I like it. What does it mean? What does it even mean? All right, girls. But we practice. Everyone has a different pose or whatever.

Make sure they nail their choreography. Then we'll go from there. I hate Beyonce so much. And you have made it reach a boiling point instantaneously. It's the angriest I've ever been. Seriously? I hate her. You can't say that. I've hated Beyonce always.

Did you see Lemonade? She's too empowering to women. It's got to stop. I understand. I understand. Fair enough. Yeah, I'll give I understand. Fair enough. I'll give you that. Did you see Lemonade? No, I didn't

see it. I refused to. Oh, it was the greatest thing I've ever witnessed. Ron Krasnow had a great quote about it. He was just like, I liked her last album, Milk Milk. Milk Milk's a good name for an album, though.

So honestly. What if Jay-Z put out an album called Milk Milk? Oh, man. And literally, the first thing he says is like, I'm divorcing you. That's the first thing he says about it. Well, rumor has it that he's in the studio now making an album that's going to come out to address all of Beyoncé's dreams. They have an open relationship. It's ridiculous. I know.

They're just having sex on their pile of cash. Yeah, they just have sex. They can do whatever they fucking want. I need to listen to Page 7 more. They have an open relationship. You should be listening to Page 7 more. And if you want to find out, tune in to Page 7. Oh, wow.

I'm doing it. I'm pulling the card. Maybe it should be where the fudge is made. That's kind of fun. Where the fudge is made. I'm divorcing your fucking ass. That's the first shit he just lays down that a beat kicks in and everybody just crowds

cheering noises. Are you not entertained? Hey, you guys, I'm sad because literally there's nothing I want to talk about more than Beyonce, but I gotta go. Thank you so much for joining us. Bye, Chrissy. We'll have you back soon. Thank you for being here. Happy Mother's Day.

Thank you. I'm sorry I have to go. Please keep talking about Beyonce. I will, if not only to just piss off Kevin. Doing everything in my power to stop that. Legs for days, she's got. She's got knees for days. Muscular woman.

All of it, yeah. She could wrestle a horse and win. All right, so these bees spilled out on the highway. Did you ever get them back? This guy's probably getting fired. You can't capture the bees. You can't even have a suit. It's in? This guy's probably getting fired. You can't capture the bees. You can't even have a suit. It's in Wyoming.

There's too much land. They're probably good for them. I mean, bees are dying across the world. Yeah, maybe it was a weird conspiracy. What if they did it on purpose to get the bees out there? At least this didn't happen in January. Now the bees will still be fine. I do feel like this happens like once a month.

I think if your cargo is something wacky, get ready, it's going to spill all over the highway. It's always like dildos all across the bridge. Just buckets of tiny cows.

Why was there even experimental tiny cows all over the Eisenhower? That's where you get tiny little pints of milk from. Mary? Next news story? Let's do it. All right.

Drug testing expert was high for eight years. Name every comedian. Sonia Farrakh, who worked for an Amherst laboratory which tested drug samples for police, was on methamphetamines, ketamine, cocaine, LSD, and other drugs during her time there, even when she testified in court, according to a report. Wow. I mean, if you're going to be high all the time, you should be high in court. Yeah, absolutely.

Court's the best place to be high. Ask Lawrence Taylor. I'm glad it's a woman. See, this is the female empowerment I'm looking for. Here's a picture. Oh, wow. Yeah, she does look pretty. She doesn't look like a druggie.

She looks baked as hell, man. I mean, now that we know, but otherwise, I'm just like, oh, she's just, you know, at peace. I'm surprised. She's at peace. Drug users look like every person. Yeah, anyone can be a drug user. Anybody? Anybody.

Anybody. Oh, my God. What's the worst drug you ever did, Mom? Me? Yeah. Nothing past. I can't smoke. I don't know how to inhale.

And you asked me what drug I did. Yeah, nothing. You ever get on how many pills? Scotch. Scotch. That's as worse as I get. That's actually worse than most drugs. Yes, it is.

It is. It is. It is. That's about it, I think. I want to weed laced with something. You ever get laced with anything? You never smoked weed? No.

She smoked weed like four times. Okay. I inhaled other people's weed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just sat in a room with them, and they smoked and laughed, and I laughed with them. The best weed is other people's weed. I'm a party pooper when it comes to that. What about PCP?

Have you ever had ingested PCP? No, I don't have to pee right now either. Yeah. Mom joked the fuck out of you. This is good. I feel like her being on drugs is actually more helpful being a drug tester because she could tell if someone else is on drugs. Yeah.

Isn't she? I mean, it's sort of vague. I don't know if it says what the actual testing was for. Well, it doesn't say exactly what the testing was. However, she did admit in court that she would often ingest lab standards. Drug samples used as benchmarks to test against substances for police. Wait, so you mean she was drinking the piss? No, she was doing the drugs that they had to test how pure the drugs were.

Oh, but then how did they not notice that the drugs were gone? I don't know. Interesting. It sounds like a whole dirty operation. Filthy, stinky operation. Stinky. Spill tab. Take it out of the spill tab.

She also testified that she manufactured crack cocaine for her personal use in the lab. Whoa! Scientists. That's dangerous. That's not where you work. This is a smart woman getting away with shit for years. I say we hail her as a hero.

A real Kimothy Leary So she got caught so she's getting put away? Well she's already gone to prison once She pleaded guilty earlier in 2014 To tampering with evidence And stealing cocaine from the lab In unlawful possession And she already served her time for that

And now they let her get her job back? And then she kept fucking up? Don't do it again. Where was this again? Stop making the crack. This is in... Cleveland. Are we taking bets?

Cleveland. I'm going to go with Detroit. Why do I feel like it's a New England state? I'm going to say Montana. Montana? And you're thinking like Rhode Island. I'm going to say Blanket, New England. Blanket, New England. Massachusetts.

Massachusetts! Blanket, New England. Even though he gets the thing that is multiple states that's cheating. You still did better. I'll take it, man. The whole south. I guess it's the whole south. South of Canada, north of Mexico. Have you ever been in the middle of

Massachusetts before? I mean, that's Podoc. Oh, it's the whole thing. South of Canada, north of Mexico. Have you ever been in the middle of Massachusetts before? I mean, that's podunk. Oh, it's a fucking disgraceful place. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's all real weird. Well, it's Massachusetts. I mean, she's experiments. It's a safe bet Massachusetts, all those schools up there.

Scientists. Scientists. You know what was weird? We were talking last night about drugs, alcohol, like people always say marijuana is the gateway drug. But like, I was thinking about like, whenever I'm hot, like when I'm drunk, I want to get high. Whenever I'm high, I'm never like,

dude, I want to get so drunk right now, you know? Like that never happens. When you're drunk, you're like, let's get high. Let's keep this thing going. But when you're high, like I'm fine. And when you're weak, you're content. You're like, I reached it. You're content. this thing going. But when you're high, you're like, I'm fine. I'm fine right now. You're content. You're like, I reached it. You're content.

I found it. Let's go to sleep and hug. Let's hug. Let's just hug the queen to death. Hug a girl to death. I always get high and say, let's hug a girl until she dies. Until you see the light leave her eyes. What's up, mom?

Pretty lady. This is real dumb, but I think she's in Kansas and she found Oz. Good for her. She looks like it, man. she's in Kansas and she found Oz. Good for her. She looks like it, man. She's having a good time. Yeah. Wait, so she's going back to jail now? She's currently, she pleaded guilty, but the case is still ongoing.

How is it still going? She holds up well for someone who's out there smoking crack. She's making crack to smoke crack. She looks good. She looks pretty good. Yeah, for all the drugs that you listed, she's arguably 42. She's a picture of health. They should use her to advertise crack.

Yes. Yeah, you're right. That woman is 84 years old. She's looking good. Drugs keep you young. Drugs keep you young. Drugs keep you young. Everybody says it. Everyone talks about it.

As long as you're smiling, it keeps you young. No matter what you're doing. You know, it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile. Oh, yeah. Ed had such a good run. And then. All right. next news story? Let's rock, Mary.

All right, self-driving features could lead to more sex in moving cars, expert warns. Why didn't we think of that? Why is he warning? That doesn't seem like a problem. At least one expert is anticipating that, as the so-called smart cars get smarter, that there will be eventually an increase in an unusual form of distracted driving, hanky-panky behind the wheel. With the self-driving car, then who gives a fuck? Right. Yeah, get some blinds and screw all you want in the car.

I guess they're just upset about it. But at the same time, you don't have to pay attention. No. Shouldn't you be more upset about all the hanky-panky that's going on while you're driving the cars? Yeah. Because I know it's out there, and I know it's happening. Absolutely. I've heard many a story.

You've never done it? With the vibrators. No, I can't imagine. I knew a lot of people that would drive from college and use vibrators while they were driving to get off while they're driving. Really? Yeah, just hold it down there. Just what, like keep it in there? No, not keep it in there.

You just hold it up against it, and then you get off, and then you throw the vibrator away, and then an hour later you pick it back up and you do it again. But I wouldn't be able to do it. It's like, no, I'm stoned. Would you speed or go slow, you think? I mean, I'm old. Anytime I drove, I was old Anytime I drove, I was...

I mean, I was just the stone... I was the stone driver. And I just... I can't imagine that as a nice thing. Mary, vibrator, while you're driving? Yes or no? Are you asking if I would do it or if I've ever done it? Either way.

I have never done it. I just don't think it's no good What do you guys think? Handies? No I'm talking about when you're driving with the car Sex in the car if it's an auto car Oh yeah have at I say love

On an elevator Wise man once said Living it up while you're going down Living it up while you're going down Wise man once said. Living it up while you're going down. Living it up while you're going down. Now, wise man once said, right? Let's keep it there, right? Because then we can focus on what we're doing, and you still get the rush. Yeah.

And he also said. You still get the rush. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no rode amazing, crying, crazy. They all sounded the same. So what do you think? Self-driving cars, Mom. People can drive their cars. The machine drives the cars for them. They don't got to do anything. Sex in the car allowed or no? No, because a vibrator would just buzz.

Well, it wasn't being a vibrator. And the bees will come. The queen bee will come. I think as long as it's in the back seat and you know that you can't like hit a function that's going to fuck up the rest of the car, you know? As long as it's not in the front seat. Yeah, who would even use the front seat? If I had a self-driving car, I would never sit in the front seat.

I believe the issue is that they're concerned because there are fail-safe mechanisms. So if the car is unable to deal with a certain traffic pattern, it goes back into being a regular car. Oh, so you do have to sit in the front seat. What's the point? You have to drive. The whole point is that you don't have to touch. You don't have to drive. You don't have to pay attention. I want minority report

now. Oh, it's already here. It's already here. I have no mouth, and yet I must scream. Yes. You ever fool around in the car while it's moving, Nick? Yeah, you get your jimmies off. It is a whole mess.

I think a vibrator would be more to make more sense, more sensible. For a guy, you just, you know, you got a hot mess you gotta deal with. I'd rather be fucking on a boat. Boat's great. You got a little... I would rather be fucking on a boat. Boat's great. You got a little... I would rather be fucking on a boat. Always. Best place to fuck, I think. Not in a water

bed, though. No, no, no. You need something sturdy, like a piece of wood on a water bed, maybe. See, that's uncomfortable. Like a little raft. Alright. How we doing, Mary? We gotta go to segment yet, or we got one more story? I think we've got one more story in us.

Let's rock. We've got ISIS news. Oh, thank God. I was worried. I missed them so much. Egyptian official blames kids cartoon for the rise of ISIS, namely Tom and Jerry. Uh-oh. See, I thought their story was more about, like, a homoerotic love mental battle.

Yeah, Tom and Jerry taught me how to suck my own dick. Right? They never made me want to kill anybody. I'm done. Good night, everybody. That's the best one. We know it. You know it and I know it.

That's the best one. That's the best one. We know it. You know it and I know it. That's the best one. During an address at Cairo University on Tuesday, Salah Abdel-Sadiq blamed the classic cartoons, which features comically unrealistic battles between a dim-witted cat and cunning mouse, for encouraging young men towards violent actions.

He also claimed that video games and violent movies play an important influential role. Video games are spreading. It has become very normal for a young man to spend long hours playing video games, killing and spilling blood, and he is happy and content. Lower's part is Egypt just got Tom and Jerry. That's the thing is that people have been saying this for like 20 years, 30 years in America. 20 years.

20 years? Yeah, because the 90s shit was still violent, I'd say. Yeah, you're right. But now they're doing it. It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but everybody's fine. But what if that was true, though? Can you imagine if ISIS really started because of Tom and Jerry? Because of Tom and Jerry.

Like, think about that for a second. That's so funny. Could you even really be mad at them? They come out with an ax. We come after them with a bigger ax. They come after them with a bigger ax. We come after them out with an axe. We come after them with a bigger axe. They come after them with a bigger axe. We come after them with a bigger axe. We come after them with a bigger axe.

That'd be amazing. If every night they put on Tom and Jerry, they get together in their games group and just fucking stoot and it's fucking angry. Who do you think they're more angry about, the cat or the mouse? Cat. Cat. Cat. They hate the cats. They feel like they're the mice. They're the mouse. The about, the cat or the mouse? Cat. They hate the cats?

They feel like they're the mice? They're the mouse. The West is the cat. Oh, okay. Big old West coming after the tiny little friendly happy mouse. How many times was Muhammad in Tom and Jerry? What? Did Muhammad ever make an appearance?

He's the owner, right? Yeah, you never saw him, but he was there. You never saw him, yeah. He was old. You saw his legs one time. Can you depict Muhammad's knees and not get in trouble? His knees are covered. Yeah, his knees always have a little

face, his own face on them. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I'm high. I've probably got a higher point. We were all picturing the same thing. His knees have his faces on them. His knees have his faces on them. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys are cool, right?

And talking more about ISIS, cash trap ISIS sells chickens and eggs to raise funds in Libya. They sell chickens and eggs? Yes. That's a good way to make money. I mean, you can't fault them for that. Good Americans have been doing that for a long time. It's better than a bake sale.

I would never buy a pound cake made by somebody just in their own. You don't know where the pound cake came from. Is it going to be any good? What about a cookie? Whatever donation I've got to give? No, hell no. I don't want your bake sale. What if you win it in a, what are they called?

The cake walk or whatever. What is that called? Cake walk? I've never heard of it. They play a song. You know what I'm saying? You mean like life is a cakewalk? I remember playing a game

where you like walked around with music playing and you could win a cake or something. Cakewalk. A cakewalk, right? I know that sounds crazy. I'm not making this up.

This is a real thing. It's usually in a big like square. It's like a virtual board game and then you play some sort of cake oriented music. You draw a card. It's a cakewalk board game, and then you play some sort of cake oriented music draw It's a cake walk. Yeah, it's a cake walk. Is that a cake walk? Yeah, you do it at the church. You don't know what a cake walk is? Well, you never heard the expression. It's a it's a cake walk. Yeah, it's like an easy thing. Yeah

Yeah, it's easy to win a cake walk. How do you get that? How do you get what's the game? You win a cakewalk. How do you get the, what's the game? What do you do? You win a cake. Numbered squares are laid out on a path, and each person gets a ticket with a number of squares on the path equal to the number of tickets. And the participants walk around the path in time with the music, and when it stops, a number is called out, and whoever is standing in the square with that number wins a cake. I hate this game. Yeah, and you get a whole cake. I hate this cake. I won one.

I hate the cake. You ever play this in Elizabeth, New Jersey, Mom, growing up? Cake walks? Oh, we didn't walk with cakes. We threw them. Cake throw. You win the cake walk. They give you a cake.

Then you go into the dark room with the man for five minutes. You don't remember that? Oh, yeah, you get your punishes. It's like, now you get your punishes. That's the thing. Anyone who holds a cake will be punished. No, the man gets the icing. Baby, this is where it's all coming from.

The icing. Isis. Isis on the cake. Isis on the cake. They better say, if they do come here and, like, murder somebody, they need to say that. You see, it's the Isis on the cake. Yeah, they have to give that. and murder somebody, they need to say that. He is the ISIS on the cake. Yeah, they have to give that.

I've been waiting three weeks to say that. Just hide Humpty Dumpty because he will be put on the wall. Kevin, say something nice about ISIS. I'm just going to say, I was going to say this before you even said it. If any ISIS members are listening, I don't appreciate the amount these people have been making fun of you. are listening, I don't appreciate the amount these people have been making fun of you. You know, I don't appreciate that at all.

I don't condone what you guys do, but I can understand why you're mad. That's the thing. So you're ready for the big ISIS takeover? I'm not ready for anything. Wait, you're going to go to their side? That's what it sounds like. It sounds like you're going to go to their side. I'm not on nobody's side. I'm just being diplomatic here. Let's just say that, you know, to go to their side? That's what it sounds like. No, no, no. It sounds like you're going to go to their side. I'm not on nobody's side.

I'm just being diplomatic here. Let's just say that, you know, we should all be friends. You know? Holden, something nice about ISIS? Yeah, sure, definitely. They seem friendly to each other. Oh, I will say this. Also, in addition to that, I don't know if y'all have ever seen it,

ISIS got a magazine. It's great. Oh, yeah? What's it called? I don't know what it's called. You find all the stuff in the picture. I miss highlights. I wish they made highlights for adults.

I love highlights. Imagine the find it game for the ISIS highlights. It's just like a head in the head. Find the shooter up in the building. It's just like a head. Find the shooter. Like up in the buildings. An axe, a machete. The name of their magazine is Dabiq. Dabiq.

Very nice. Dabiq. Here you go, guys. Some free advertising. Is that Wiz Khalifa on the cover? Wiz Khalifa. It does say Khalifa. Return of Khalifa.

Dabiq is published by ISIS via the deep web. All right. Well, there it is. So disappointed. Mary, something you buy? I guess you just did give them some free advertising. That's fine. Something nice for ISIS? Yeah, something nice about ISIS.

Something nicest. It's bringing the youth together. It is bringing the youth together. There you go. All right, okay. Now it's time, I. It is bringing the youth together. There you go. All right. Okay. Now it's time, I think, for a segment from Holden McNeely. We all have to go around again and say something nice about ISIS again.

Again? Again? We're doing doubles? I'm just kidding. It's Mother's Day, right? Yes. So let's all give Ed's mom a gift. Ed will decide what gift she will get.

But we're going to go around and we're going to say a gift gift for Ed's mom on this special day, Mother's Day. I know Ed's not going to like this, but I know I know what the woman wants. Okay. I'm giving her that Greek man. Peace! Peace! Peace!

Peace in the Middle East! You can give a man as a gift. Now that you got enough money. Yeah, that's true. And enough homies. Not too bad. Feta cheese. What do you think, Mom?

Thumbs up? Thumbs down? Greek man? Thumbs up. All right. Thumbs up? Nailed it. Kevin?

You know, I would give you the gift to spend more time with your son's friend, Kevin. He's dope. Talk on the phone, go to get food, all of that stuff. You just donated a lot, though. I mean, I think that this is most of your life now. Now you've got to call Kathy every day. I mean, this is, you know, checkups weekly. You've got to go down to Jersey.

Tussie needs walks. I'm for it. Let's do it. How's that Greek dance? See? Jackie, please. She'd rather be with a stranger. We're gonna have an all-expense-paid trip that you...

Ed is going to be sent to Thailand. And you get to watch him suffer in Thailand. that you, Ed is going to be sent to Thailand and you get to watch him suffer in Thailand. I'm talking shit Thailand. But you will be on a cruise boat out in the Caribbean, all inclusive, having a great time, all the men for you, but you get to watch him have this other trip

because he wanted you to go on that trip and you said no. No. No? Oh! I got nexted. Mary, gift for my mother? I'm going to go real classic, lifetime subscription to Da Beak Magazine.

Whoa. There you go. Nick, say something that you love about ISIS. That I love about them? They're not Trump. I'm going to get you a bee catcher. And this thing is great for when you're driving a truck and you fall asleep. And your bees go everywhere.

This bee catcher is great you just simply it's a four it's 445 feet by 3 000 feet and it's a just giant entrapment and you throw it over just you know about a you know mile radius of where you've lost your bees it shrinks it shrinks up collects all the magic it's made of magic it's all magic okay magic. It's all magic. Okay. It's 100% magic. And it's got a, it comes with Wi-Fi. It's got a, it's got a world clock on it. It's got like a lot of other things. Outside of it. Yeah, well, yeah, there's, you know, it's got a couple other features on it.

Right. It's got a pocket knife, a toothpick. Now, that sounds like it could catch other things. Does it only catch bees? It catches, for some reason, knows if it's a bee or not. And will let it free if it's a bee or not. We'll let it free if it's not a bee. If no birds or anything gets on there.

You get a fly, some guy named Gary, it knows this is a Gary and not a bee. It's sick of Gary. It lets the Garys go. These things go retail for about $5,000. For you, it's a free gift. All right, Mom, I got to say for you it's a free gift alright mom I gotta say we're getting you this Greek man I mean you gotta get the Greek man

thank you everybody this has been the round table of gentlemen happy Mother's Day to all of you and all of your moms This has been a great episode Thank you Nick for coming by The fans can tell us whether it was good or not I'll let them know when I think it's good Hostly duties and all

Nick do you have anything you want to Pluggy plug What's your twitter I can say something Zany's and Rosemont Follow me on Instagram Can I tell you what's funny Why

When Just at some point in my life The gaping laugh hole Will be on a Thursday I heard it's too crazy there So so I don't think anybody should go. We just did this college gig Friday, and the college kids, they were like plugged something at the end. I was like, I don't know.

And they're like, are you on Instagram? And I was like, yeah. But they're like, great. Which is so funny. You were very funny. I'd love to see what sort of food you eat and the sunsets you look at. I want a non-audio still version of you.

That's the only one that would ever consume you again. Did you get a lot of followers at Skyrock? I lost five. I don't know what that is. All right, so check Nick Vatter out on Instagram. Holdnatorsho on Twitch. Holdenator's Hill on Twitch. Holdenator's Hill is on Twitch, Kevin. Yeah, Fatboy Barnett, you know, Twitter, Instagram.

When's the next Cicadas? Oh, the next Cicadas is this Wednesday, 8 o'clock, House of Yes in Bushwick, Brooklyn. Fuck yeah, how's that show been going? It's been great. I mean, honestly, well, the first one, Josh wasn't there. The second one, both me and Jermaine were out of town, so Josh was the only one to host it.

And this one, I don't know if any of us are going to be there. Oh, so you guys are really dedicated to this. Yeah, the show's been great. It's been packed every time. We got rappers to close it out. Oh, no shit. Any cool ones? Flapper zombies?

No, it's not like that big of a spot. We can't pay them a lot. No, you can get Flapper zombies. We always do it, everybody. Come on, we got to get friends with these guys, okay? Yeah, get in there. Kendrick Lamar? Yeah, yeah, we'll get him on next week.

You know, throw him 40 bucks. Miss Jackie Zabrowski, anything to promote? Jack the Worm, baby. Page seven. Oh, yeah. Sex and other human activities? Oh, yeah, you know it. Still rocking?

Oh, yeah, you come find me. Too cool, man. Too cool for this fucking school. I got too much space. I'm never going back. I'm always going to have this much space. Dad, I think you're going to have to be at the end of the table now, buddy. That's fine.

Mom, anything to promote? Any shows coming up? No shows, only to keep your children safe. Oh, that's a sweet plug. Mother's Day to my son. I love you. Oh, I love you, too. Thank you for letting me borrow your awesome sunglasses.

You're welcome. And I'm Ed Larson. You can catch me on Twitter at Eddie Toons underscore Instagram, Eddie Toons. Murderfist, June 11th at the Pit Loft. Come check it out. It's our 10th anniversary show. And listen to Brighter Side side also with mary mary at mary j bulge and that has been the round table of gentlemen just in case i guess audible.com just

in case they ever want to read a book listen to a book or if they want to start advertising on our site audible.com and uh mail chimp right yeah and target okay target to target target stores Yeah, and Target. Okay. Target, too. Go to Target stores. Get underwear at Target. Jersey Mike subs, public subs. I'll say that as well. All right, guys. Have a good one. This has been the Roundtable. Go eat a monkey.

All right. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.