The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 288: Hugs for Cash

Episode Date: May 16, 2016

Louis Katz joins the gang to learn about a pig that was recently rescued from a Canadian fire, a woman who was recently assaulted by a Times Square panhandler, and Holden's ant problem.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Let's see now. It's been so long.

So who prayed last week? Jackie, you were here. Do you remember? Ed's mom prayed. No, Chrissy Chiello prayed. Technically, so I guess it's Holden. Oh, okay. Okay. She was on the opposite end. Is everything good with you,

Mr. Parks? Everything is fantastic. Okay. Your eyes tell a different story, but that's fine. Very nice. So hold on. I suppose you have to start us off with a prayer then. All right. Everybody close your eyes for a guided meditation.

It's going to be a good one today, guys. Okay. So you are dressed in all white because you are a blushing bride. And you're blushing because the groomsman has his butt out. He's pointing it at you. And he's like, you give a sniff, you sniff. Because he's foreign, just like they all are. And so you sniff his ass.

And he's like, oh, whoops. And when he says whoops, you know what happened. You got poopy in your face and up your nose. And then you immediately have to go walk down the aisle. There's a flower girl. She's got disabilities. I don't want to get into it, but she's got some issues. Don't fucking look at her too long.

What are the disabilities? Just don't look at her too long. Everybody fucking did. She cries if you look at her too long. She's got problems. Leave the fucking pork alone. You're a fucking animal, all right? Your groom is right down there.

He's kind of curiously looking at you because you've got poopies on your nose and on your eyes. And the priest is there, and he's like, say your vows, and you fucking crush it. You know what I'm saying? Your sisters are in the audience. They're cheering you on and shit. And you say your I do's, and you go get too drunk at the wedding party afterwards and you you kiss the flower girl too long no the flower girl how old is the flower girl oh too young yeah how is this a prayer in any way what how is this a prayer i'm putting you through your whole you're being guided

your wedding day so anyways everybody I see. Your wedding day. So anyways, everybody come back in, release yourself from the fantasy, believe in yourself, believe in your world. Your world, the world is yours. Fucking Nas said that shit. Yeah. All right, so this is the round table of gentlemen. So you want to leave them on the cliffhanger of them kissing an underage girl at their own wedding?

Yes, absolutely. And you were the bride, by the way. I wouldn't even feel too bad about it because that might be the last time she gets kissed for years. Yeah, because I think it's fine. As long as you're a woman doing it, then it's fine. If it's a man doing it, it's a problem. It's just that you did it for too long. I'm not saying you're cheating or anything. It's just you got drunk and you just kissed too long.

Like people tend to do when they get too drunk. You guys do that, right? Oh, Marcus and I do it regularly. He's usually sober. Almost always now. Yep. Alright, so this is the round table. As I said earlier, Jackie, you're here. You look just wonderful today. Why? What did I do?

What do you want from me? Whatever you want to tell me. Oh my god! I feel great. I guess I'm thinking about my wedding day. I do have to think, though, if a groom or if anyone bared their ass to me, I don't think I'd put my face up into it. I guess it was tradition in the Ukraine world. Yeah. In the Ukraine.

You get more bags of dooblets. What do they call money there? Oh, dooblots. Dooblots. Yeah. You get more bags of dooblots if you do that. I'd put my face up to butts. It was a male's butt, though.

You wouldn't want to kiss a male's butt. Like when you're in your bridal gown, if the groom showed a bear at his butt, I was like, oh, he's got to poo. I don't know. I guess I don't know how women feel about butts. They just don't feel the same way about butts that I do. I'm with you on this one, Louis.

Some women are all about it. Some women like the butts. they just don't feel the same way about butts that I do. I'm with you on this one, Louie. Some women are all about it. Some women like the butts. Some women love the butt. You just got to stay away from it, man. Yeah. At all costs, both sides. At all costs, man, is unclean, unpure, ungodly. That's actually all technically true.

So Ed's not here. No. He's doing God knows what. He's in Buffalo, I think. He's in Buffalo, eating the wings, being a bill, probably getting drafted or something. So sitting in for him is Louie Katz. Hello. Thanks for being here, Louie.

Thanks for having me. Obviously, you're pro-butt. Yeah, I'm pro-butt. Well, of course you are pro-butt. You spend a lot of time in Brazil. The Brazilians are known for their butts. What do you think about Nicki Minaj? Did she get implants?

Yes. Okay. Good to know. I think she's justj? Did she get implants? Yes. Okay. Good to know. I think she's just wearing those jeans. Gotta get those jeans. She used to have such a perfect butt though, Marcus. Do you really think she ruined it? I think so. I mean, the butt implants, people get all that body

dysmorphia stuff. She thinks, I'm known for my butt. I gotta have a bigger butt. Gibby butt. And then she gets the butt and it's bad butt. That's why you get the butt jeans. That's all you need is the butt jeans. You got fake butt in the jeans. No, she shows a lot of cheek, and she couldn't do that. Interesting. I mean, you can see that one.

There's that one picture where she's sitting on a chair, and it's like she's balancing on these implants. It's real weird looking. It's real weird looking. Looks very fake. A lot of people know me for my butt, for sure. I mean, I just have certain parts of town. They know me.

All right. Alternators, ho! Low key. The ancient Norse god. All right. Time for your PlayStation Network shout outs. Penetrate Christ says William Biggs is the grossest grove face in any films. That makes no sense.

Ryan Miller is the, I think I did a lot of auto-correcting this time around, is the lint in between Ed's Larson's fat rolls holding as salty as dong. Zach Miller, 27, 27, this is the last one, guys, to savor it,

says Ed's mom sounds like an angel who he imagined cries every day for making a fuck like him. Ho. She loves Eddie more than she loves her own life.

That's the thing. That's the thing you don't understand, Zach Miller. And if you want to come to my fucking house, I will say to you this. Life is a bitch until you die. That's why I get high. That's great.

I said that shit. I feel like you're getting less and less PlayStation shout outs as the weeks have gone on. You're supposed to go the other way. I know. I know. It should be getting more and more, but it keeps getting less and less. It's like you're first becoming successful. Totally. Absolutely. I know I know it should be getting more and more, but it keeps getting less and less I mean successful totally absolutely I was trying to think of a different thing that Nas said, but I think I'm out I think I only know those two things. You're just devastated by the truth

Nas lyrics those the only ones you need yeah Yeah from Tree TV's friends of the people from True TV's Friends of the People who else is with us? yeah I'm here man it was a fine show it still gets I'll see gifts and shit still from it

I see sometimes street crossing one and stuff like that are you getting sadder because your arms are getting bigger like not fat wise it's nice it's the nicest thing you've ever said to anyone Are you getting sadder because your arms are getting bigger? Like, not fat-wise. It's nice. It's muscle. It's the nicest thing you've ever said to anyone.

Yeah. I just wanted to pass it along. Maybe it's the springtime, you know, showing off your arms. Maybe it's just your shirt. I don't think you usually wear that light of a shirt. It's probably just the shirt. All right. But black people tend to grow in the summertime Something about the sun and the growing season

That seems bizarre though Jackie People tend to work out when they're happy Or it makes them happy when they work out No I lose weight when I'm sad That's when you know I'm at my fattest It means I'm in a great place I'm in a fantastic place right now guys Oh I thought you were clinically depressed

No no no not today Well you look great. All right. So I'm Ben Kissel, and that's Marcus Parks. Hi. Okay, Marcus. Now, how are you doing? Do you want to be a little bit more authentic?

That's the scariest thing I've ever heard. How long has your voice been recorded? How many hundreds of hours? Oh, thousands of hours. Okay, so let's just pretend as if you... How you doing, Marcus? I'm good. Ben Kissel.

Not a human. Not a human. Not a human still. Wow. I've been in Texas for the last week. It's a non-human place. Yeah, yeah. You showed me a picture of a video of a rattlesnake that you guys murdered in cold blood. Or I guess, yeah, literally cold blood.

Yeah, yeah, you have to murder him. Every single one of them that you see, you have to stop. You have to kill it every time. Car. Well, first we tried throwing rocks at its head, and that didn't work. We just backed over it with a car and it spun out on its body. Huh. Yeah.

You should have just gone with the first idea. The second idea first. No. Always choose a car over a rock. It's biblical to kill something with a rock. Yeah, no, it's pretty fun, though. I thought you always kill snakes with shovels. I thought that's the way you kill a snake.

Usually you use a hoe, but we just... You ain't got no hoes in that area. Yeah, you're making a joke. I like that's the way you kill a snake usually you use a hoe But we just you ain't had no holes in that area Oh Kevin so comfortable I Love rappers like ludicrous and ludicrous You might know from what I was saying earlier. Rappers are some of my favorite people. Nas. But you did kill the damn thing. Yeah, yeah. We killed three that morning.

Okay, good. How many did you kill total in Texas? Rattlesnakes, that is. Actually, it was just that one day. I didn't see any more after that. But that morning, it was a hell of a morning. I don't know why they... Wow.

I had ants recently. I was in the subway. Like your mother's sisters? Yeah Oh right You got it I was in the subway And I opened up my shoulder bag To pull something out of it

And there were just ants all over my bag It was a nightmare I felt like I was in a nightmare And I was sweeping them off. And so I'm spending my whole subway trip now, A, hoping no one's looking over. And some people did notice there were many ants all of a sudden running all over the subway floor. That's fucked up.

I'm swiping and sweeping all these ants out, but there's more every time I feel like I get rid of some more are just crawling around in my bag. Apparently, yeah, we had some kind of ant invasion just right where I put my bag on the floor. So we got rid of them pretty quickly. Cool. It's kind of like you were a superhero, though. It was. Exactly.

Ant-Man. Terrifying. It was terrifying. And they were crawling all over the subway, too, at that point. And everybody was looking around like, what is going on? You know? Yeah. So, yeah.

Did you get off at the next stop? No, I just kind of kept it on. I actually went and got a coffee. I was having a day, right? I got a coffee at the next stop? No, I just kind of kept it on. I actually went and got a coffee. I was having a day, right? I got a coffee at the coffee shop, but then I went into a private bathroom that I knew of, and I just took everything out of the bag, and I just flung the bag so that all the ants

just went all over the floor of this bathroom. I tried to stomp out as many as I could, but they all scattered, and I just left the bathroom. When you say private bathroom, it's obviously a public new york city bathroom so you were probably followed up by a heroin addict who had the worst trip of his fucking life yeah he shot up and looked around surrounded by ant uh ants as if they were going to eat him like he was gulliver it was it was a nightmare so for the heroin addict yeah for the heroin addict for me for everyone's anyways i don't know. That's my aunt story. I had aunts. That's an aunt story.

I feel like at first, though, I would think that I was hallucinating. I think at first I would be like, I'm hallucinating. There's not aunts everywhere. First thing in the morning, right when I woke up. I mean, talk about just the abs. To open your shoulder bag up, everybody has one. It's New York City. You open up your bag and literally just see aunts covering.

How many aunts would you estimate? I would say it was like 100. Enough ants. Tiny ants? Yes. Like sugar ants. Small, I guess. Not red.

Yeah. Not red. They weren't biting anybody. Yeah, I had to deal with a lot of fire ants when I was back home. A lot of bees, too. How do you deal with them? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get away.

Get away. You don't burn them down? Oh, no. They were on a house. Oh. Yeah, you can't burn them down when they're on a house. No, they don't burn them down? Oh, no. They were on a house. Oh. Yeah, you can't burn them down when they're on a house. No, they'll burn down the house. Not a casualty of war.

That's fine. Use a fire hose. Use a hose. I'll never forget. We had an ant invasion right on our front step when I was growing up, and we had to fill it with a bunch of glue. That was a fun day. I loved that day, but I kept on getting stung because my parents would go and be like, check if they're dead.

But then they weren't. Until the eighth time, and then I didn't get stung. I was a guinea pig a lot. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Should we do a news story or anything else you want to talk about, Marcus? Speaking of pigs! Wow. Where are we speaking of pigs? Yeah, really speaking of pigs, we're going to start off with a

feel-good story out of Canada. A tough little beer-loving pig abandoned during the Fort McMurray wildfire evacuations has been found safe thanks to the help of Twitter and Facebook. Marshall, a black four-and-a-half-year-old pig, was left behind when his family fled the advancing wildfire last Tuesday. Michelle Kutu told CBC News that there was no advance notice of the evacuation and the sight of the flames sent her family scrambling while she was able to cram her daughter, her grandson, and her three dogs into the back of her truck. There was no room for the pig. How dare they?

She said, all I could do is let Marshall out of his pen and put some food down for him and pray for the best. I mean, you have three dogs. I think you take two dogs. You had to leave one dog and take the pig. Yeah, I'd put pig over dog. Right? At least one dog. You're going to have one shitty dog.

Yeah. I mean, it's law averages on dogs. And pigs are smarter than dogs. Also, I just think how awkward it is now that the pig's back and they're like, oh, I'm sorry. That pig's going to murder her in her sleep. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And here, check out the pig.

Whoa, the pig's fucking huge. Whoa. That's a cute fucking pig. I mean, it's a big pig. Oh, that's why they didn't have space for the pig. Yeah. Yeah pig's fucking huge. That's a cute fucking pig. I mean, it's a big pig. Oh, that's why they didn't have space for the pig. Yeah. Because it fills up the entirety of a kiddie pool. See, I would have left

the grandson. I'd rather the pig. At least you can eat a pig. Technically, you can't eat a grandson. Yeah, and apparently they can drink with the pig and have a great time with the pig. You can't drink with your grandson. They'll get taken away. Her family reported the loose pig and posted about it online urging others to keep an eye out for him.

That came in handy when the Alberta RCMP, that's Royal Canadian Mounted Police, posted a Twitter photo of a constable feeding a pig watermelon on Monday evening. Many members of the Facebook group set up for the lost animals in Fort McMurray flagged the pig's picture to Kutu, who knew

it was hers hers right away. Here's a picture of a Mountie feeding the pig watermelon. Mounties don't do anything. They feed pig watermelon. That's what they're doing. NYPD, they shoot that pig, right? Yeah, they shoot that pig. Every time they shoot that pig.

Yeah, every American police outlet shoots the pig. At no point do they care to give the pig a watermelon. How sweet for that Mountie. Yeah, the woman, the owner, she said, you can always pick out your kids. He has a white tip on his tail. In the picture, you could tell he was a little bit hesitant to get the watermelon, but he's definitely not going to turn down a treat.

It's cute. Do they call Mounties pigs, or do they have a different Canadian term for them? I don't know. Maybe moose. Yeah, moose horses. I don't know what they... No, I think people call Mounties pigs or do they have a different Canadian term for them? I don't know. Maybe. Moose. Yeah, moose. Horses. I don't know what they. No, I think people like Mounties.

Do they? Yeah. Yeah, why would you have something negative to say about a Mountie? All they do is stop forest fires, feed pigs watermelons, and hug people. Right? Yeah, and they take them down without violence as seen on You Are Under Arrest. You Are Under Arrest. You Are Under Arrest. I love under arrest. You are under arrest. I love that show.

It is the Canadian cops. Canadian cops. Oh, what are you doing out here? Oh, you've been going too fast, huh? Looks like you're going to have to come to jail. And they're like, okay, yeah, sure. That's it? On Netflix right now.

It's great. It's really good. I got to say American cops beats You Are Under Arrest. I mean, just from the title alone. You are under arrest, mister. Bit of a mouthful, for sure. Bit of a mouthful. It is a lot.

Did you ever see that video? Remember that video of the llama that escaped and the LAPD had to find it and chase it down? No. They didn't shoot it. Huh. They lassoed it. Did you see the chimp that escaped from the zoo in, was it Japan or some shit? No, what did they do to it?

Oh, man, it was fucked up. This chimp was, like, really wanting to escape. Like, it was trying real hard. And they shot it with a tranquilizer and it was up high on a wire. And then it was, like, hanging. Man, it fell real far. It was real sad, man. That chimp wanted freedom.

Did it die? It was crazy. See that picture? Isn't that crazy? That's real. His name is Cha-Cha. The picture looks straight out of Planet of the Apes. The ape is actively pursuing that man to gnaw his face off, don't you think?

Yeah, absolutely. Terrifying looking. He's such teeth on that. No, it's just his mouth. He was just scared. Oh, this is King Kong in real life. It's a beautiful picture. So did it die?

Actually, absolutely not. No, it survived the fall with minor cuts and bruises. They shot it with a tranquilizer dart and there was a bunch of Japanese dudes down on the ground with a big blanket ready to catch him. But over almost 2,000 homes lost electricity when the chimp was, you know, monkeying around with the electrical wires. I think that's an adorable reason to lose electricity. Yeah, but then they just dragged him back to the zoo?

Yeah. It's like, what is his name? Pablo. Cha-cha. No. Pablo? The guy that keeps getting out of prison, the really bad one, El Chapo. It's not at all like El Chapo.

Yeah, yeah. It's just like El Chapo. He was never biting wires? No, he just wants his freedom. Maybe it was El Chapo. Maybe he dressed like a monkey as his new escape plan. That's possible. I think it's Japan.

Yeah, and went to Japan. Very interesting. To join the zoo to then escape. Yes. He was a weird guy. He went to the zoo. To join the zoo. He loves escaping.

I don't even think he likes having to go back. He just wants to escape new places. I commend him. Drunken pigs, though. What is cuter than a pig drinking beer? I don't know. Here, maybe this. A pig hanging out with a Siamese cat.

I'll take drinking a beer is cuter than that, though. Fuck Siamese cats, man. Why? Untrustworthy. From that movie? From Lady and the Tramp? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly that.

Sign me a sketch. I've had a bad rap in a lot of Walt Disney features. Why is that? What's another one? Oh, I don't know. King and I or something like that?

No, they're mean. King and I. They're mean cats. Yeah, King Ralph. I mean, no, it's just Lady and the Tramp. I'm racking my brain to think of another

evil cat in a Disney movie and I do not think there is one I feel like there is I feel like there's a lot no that's not a Disney movie technically that's not Disney

no that's independent technically Lion King you could say that's not a cat it's not a cat it's a big cat Shaka Khan too Shaka Khan

Shaka Khan Shaka Khan Shaka Khan also Shaka Khan Cats and Company what's it they singing Cats and Shaka Khan. Cats and Company. What's it? They're singing. Cats and Company.

Is it called Cats and Company? Yep. You know what I'm talking about. Aristocats. Aristocats. That's it. Cats and Company. All Dogs Go to Heaven infers All Cats Go to Hell.

That is true. I think that's a Disney movie. That is true. Yeah, yeah. No, All Dogs Go to Heaven is not Disney. Oh, my God. Everything that's animated is a Disney movie, isn't it? No.

To me, it is. That's fine. All right, so the pig's fine. It's getting drunk at home with its family. Fievel, right? Fievel went west. The cats are bad in American... But that's not a Disney movie.

No, that's not a Disney movie. It's not? No, no, no. We just had this conversation. Oh, really? Oh. I? Oh. I laughed. How are the listeners supposed to care if you don't?

You're on the goddamn show. I was too busy trying to think of movies with cats in them while you guys were having that conversation. Oh, Jesus Christ. Gangs of New York had a couple of cats. Great movie. Great movie. Loved it.

Hold on. Are you still thinking? I was thinking Final Guys West. Did you talk about that? You already did that. Okay, very good. The Down Under movie. Is there a cat in that?

Or am I thinking of the rest? You're talking about the Rescuers? Rescuers Down Under. Crocodile Down D maybe has a couple cats in it. There's probably cats in the Rescuers because they're mice. They're mice. And that is Walt Disney. Interesting.

Does a cat try and get Sebastian the crab at some point? Oh, in The Little Mermaid? Yeah. Or the lobster. Is he a crab or a lobster? He's a crab. All right. Is there not a cat?

Do you know in the real story of The Little Mermaid, she ends up killing herself, going back into the water, and I believe turning into foam. Yeah. Because the prince doesn't like her. He falls in love with a person that has legs that doesn't smell like fish. Tuna. Oh, it's also that when she was walking on Earth, not only did she lose her voice, but she's in terrible pain the whole time she's on land. With these new disgusting liquidy leg type things.

She's gross. I'm happy. Nicknamed her pussy the guest condo. In the originalo In the original In the original Yes In the original Because everybody

Got to Yes We all know What it means I don't Not exactly But Definitely a place

I would like to check out Cats like fish So maybe Finding Nemo There's a cat No there's no cats In that They can't swim, though.

No, they've got seagulls in that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And even then, they're benign. Yeah, because they're too dumb, because everybody knows seagulls are dumb. No, that's not true. Unless you see seagulls not on the water, that means that there is a storm coming in. They flee. They flee because they're scared and they're dumb.

So when you see them... They're still smart. No, no, no. Oh, flee because they're scared and they're dumb. So when you see them... They're still smart. No, no, no. They're smart. They learn, they remember, and they even pass on behaviors such as stamping their feet in a group to imitate rainfall

and trick earthworms to come to the surface. There you go. Like juggalos. That's perfect. Bring the worms to the top. Also, you know, you said Finding Nemo, but who are we to say that every movie that isn't based in animals in the water the entire time

doesn't take place there simply because they're hiding from the cats? There you go. That's why. Cat is the unspoken evil of the movie. Yeah. I don't even think cats like fish that much. They love tuna.

They can get addicted. Yep. Really? Yeah, and then they won't eat anything else except for tuna. I think it's called, like, tuna-itis. I. Really? Yeah. And then they won't eat anything else except for tuna. I think it's called like tuna-itis. I made that part up. But once you start feeding them tuna, once you pop, man, those cans don't stop. That's the Pringles ad.

No, it's the tuna ad. It's the tuna ad. Oh, I see. It's kind of rebranding it, huh? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm loving it. I'm loving it. Bringing it back. Bringing it right back. I'm loving it. I'm loving it.

Bringing it back. Bringing it right back. Alright, Marcus. Your dead eyes are just sadder than ever. What's going on, by the way? Well, the pig loves beer, still. The owner said if you open a beer, he loves his beer. You can't put your beer down because you won't

have a beer afterwards. Not around this pig. It's a cute fucking pig. That's a nightmare. It's a cute fucking pig. It's like having a pin kizzle. That's a funny joke. Great joke, Holden. Won't pigs eat human flesh, though? Yes.

Yeah, pigs will eat anything. That's what I'm saying. I mean, maybe you don't want a drunk pig around. Might eat you. No, I think the flesh has to be presented to it in a dinner-like fashion. It won't just go start gnawing on a person's face. I mean, if the person's dead, then yeah. Yes, that's what I'm saying.

A dinner-like fashion. You don't eat a live chicken. No. You kill it and then serve it. But if you put a human into a big pan of hungry pigs, they will eat it. Even if that human's alive and there's a bunch of slits on them? Especially if they're alive. Really? I was hanging out and did Airbnb on a farm, and he was talking about it.

He's like, let me know if you see any pigs get out because they run amok because they accidentally had a turkey. It got over the little pen thing and got in there and he couldn't get in there in time, and they just ripped that fucking live-ass turkey apart. Ooh, Thanksgiving came early for those pigs.

No, pigs bite. Pigs are real bad about biting. All right. Have you been bitten by a pig? I've never been bitten by a pig, no. He'd have powers if he had. Animals? I've been bitten by a dog.

The Embran family got bit by pigs a lot. Everybody's been bitten by a dog. Yeah. Marcus, what's the strangest animal you've ever been bitten by? I don't know. I've been bit by many strange animals. I'm careful around animals. God, you're weird today.

So weird. Texas. Kevin, he's being weird today, right? A little odd. Yeah. Is this how you are in Texas? Kind of. I don't know.

Everything's just a little different. I got to get used to it. I just got to get back into the groove of the city. Acclimating. I got to acclimate back into the city. Yeah, acclimated to Texas. Now gotta get used to it. I just gotta get back into the groove of the city. Acclimating. I gotta acclimate back into the city. Yeah, acclimated to Texas. Now I'm in that mode. I'm in that weird fucking headspace. Now I gotta

just feel like people look at each other just a little too long in the eyes in Texas. You know, just gonna stare you down. Yeah, while you're pissing. While you're urinating. I guess you can't just spend your weekend killing multiple rattlesnakes and come back and do regular shit.

You gotta change a little bit for a while. It's bonkers. Yeah, killing snakes and stuff. That would be crazy for me. Yeah, it's just a regular part of the day. Never been bitten by a snake. No, I never have. I don't know.

I think I've just been bitten by a garden snake. Yeah. I think I've probably been bitten by a... Now that I think about the pets I had, I'm sure I got bit by a guinea pig and a rat and a mouse at one snake. Yeah, yeah. I've probably been bitten by a... Now that I think about the pets I had, I'm sure I got bit by a guinea pig and a rat and a mouse at one point. Yeah. Man, I'm so happy.

What a great propeller that was to conversation. What a host I am. That's just an amazing conversation starter. You're bringing up memories. Isn't that nice? All right. Like a gecko maybe or something. Like a lizard I've definitely been bitten by.

Good. Okay, Jackie, what have you been bitten by? It's extremely boring and no one cares. I don't know but it must have been some real bad spider that was in Key West and man I thought I was going to lose a couple of toes. It was bad. They went blue? Oh yeah it got all

pus filled and like I couldn't walk and my whole foot just like exploded got filled with pus. Oh, my God. So it must have been one of those, you know, like, they got the big colorful ones down there, and that must have been in my sheets. That fucking creeps me the fuck out. What did, uh, did he pop it?

Did it, like, pus squirt it? No, no. I remember I was, like, on a trip with all my friends, and we were just doing a bunch of drugs and drinking way too much. And so I called my mom and I was like, wasted. She's like, just get Epsom salt. Epsom salt. Just put your foot in Epsom salt.

And it like draws the venom out of the bite. So I just had to do that for a while. And I was just getting schnockered while just like my foot was in Epsom salt. So afterwards it was just like a big bucket of salt and pus. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you challenge anyone to drink it? Yes. Of course I did. And did they do it? No, they didn't. We had been taking too many

hallucinogenics. The thing is that that's why I was so scared because I thought it was something else. And I was like, I thought it was all psychosomatic at the time. That's the only time when you call your mom and you're just like, I don't know what's happening. I don't know what I did.

She thought it was funny. I thought it was a shark. There's a shark being born from your foot? Who knows? I mean, I was out in those beautiful waters. Maybe something laid an egg inside of me. That's the scariest thing ever, right? The idea of something laying eggs in you

and hatching in you. It's kind of having your bag, though. Ooh, yeah, I know. That's why it was such a nightmare. That's why it was a horrible nightmare for me. It's like when he killed a pregnant spider. I might have ants on me still. Who knows?

A couple of ninja ants hit up inside of me. Could be. All right, Marcus, what do you want to do? Another news story? Yeah, let's go to China for our next news story. Okay, take us there, would you? Let's go to China. I'm good.

You're not allowed on this flight, Jackie. I'll stay in the U.S., thank you. Chinese live streaming services have banned people filming themselves eating bananas in a quote-unquote seductive fashion. Oh, no. Jackie, you're actually not here. We were here last week, though. Huh? Did you guys do that?

We talked about this last week. Oh, shit. Oh, you did? Oh, no. Marcus, I guess you didn't listen to the episode, did you? Of course I didn't. I didn't. I'm very interested.

Why would he listen to the episode? Why would I? I had business to attend to. You were out there killing rattlesnakes, man. Snake business. You gave me a list of the round table and I got snake business? Snake business. Also, Kissel, obviously you didn't either.

Yeah, I did. That's why I set Marcus up. This is the long con. The long con. The long con. Always love to listen to you guys. Did not. Well, a bit of a short con.

All you did was just, you know, not tell him. Yeah, it was a short con. It was a good con. Yeah. Great story. So, did he pass the test, Ben? No. He failed.

I failed him. Was I supposed to say it, or were we supposed to just go through it like we did it? No, no, no. A banana. No, don't. He got a colony. Yeah, I don't know. Don't humor me.

I mean, I don't know. I just remember at the time I was worried about you listening to the podcast because I wouldn't say I was at my best. Well, oh, my God, Jackie. The show's really falling apart since the last time I was on it. Oh, my God. It's going way down. Holden's down to like one shout out. The whole thing's falling apart.

They don't even free system where they can just hit me up to say anything they want on the podcast and they don't even want to do it. That is lower than low. They're just not rewarding you for your complete lack of work ethic. Not at all. They're unfriending me. That's great. I'm very tired. You are tired, Marcus. I can tell.

That's fine. I'm tired too. He went on two back-to-back trips. He's allowed to be tired. You're tired from nothing. I'm tired from life. Yeah, I'm tired from a bunch of shit. Ben's been working lately. Oh, yeah, I work hard. I haven't had a vacation in years. Yeah, we were talking about this. Where

should Ben go for vacation, Jack? He went on a vacation last weekend. Chicago? No, it was work. That was work. He went and did a show. We're talking about a vacation where you go have a vacation where you don't do anything. Right, Kevin, you understand. That's not a vacation if you go to do stand-up. Louie, you know that. That's for sure.

But I sometimes still kind of think of it as like a little, it's sort of a vacation. But I mean, at the same time, you're getting paid to perform. It's a job. You're making money. If you're making money and not spending money, it's not a vacation. Keep going. Vacation should be you wasting all the money you earned. Yeah.

Well, you also just don't, I mean, having shows at night, it takes fucking time. I perform sober. That fucks up my day. I gotta be sober all day. I gotta concentrate and do a show. Vacation, I'm shitty. Most of the time, I'm shit housed. That's the whole thing.

We weren't that sober, but we weren't that drunk either. We could have been a hell of a lot more drunk. We could have been. I don't know. Didn't you miss your flight? I'm going to go insane. It had nothing to do with sobriety.

That was the TSA shutdown. I was sober as shit on that flight. No, you weren't. Yeah, yeah. Not quite. You texted us. We saw a picture of you from the bar. Oh, yeah.

We got trashed. Yeah, you tweeted that. I saw that, too. You came to the bar. gave him the ball Alright alright It doesn't matter But I will say This is the funniest The funniest story

That Henry and I had We were sitting at this airport bar And I have no idea What it is about airports It's almost like a confessional In the Catholic church People just tell you everything Yeah

So did we talk about this yet Marcus? No Where the guy Oh excuse me We're sitting there at the bar The guy recognized me from Red Eye Another person recognized Henry from Heroes Reborn, so we were just like, ego.

Boom. Love and life. This guy sits down, we're talking about the Cubs, all of a sudden he goes in, he's like, just out of nowhere, yeah, my dad spent a rough couple of years, my daughter started cutting herself, she's 16, she's adopted, she was molested, and then he went in and he told a story

about they found out who molested her they put him in prison for seven years and then the guy says me and my son he's also adopted the guy gets out in seven years

we have plans for him so now we're now we're in a complicit in a murder plot and the guy just went on and what they're gonna do where he is they talk to the cops

the cops said they're gonna turn the other way like he's got this whole thing where everybody are just sitting there like, what the fuck? Yeah, it was an amazing story. I mean, airports just bring out, everyone just tells their truth because they're on a flight out of there in 30 minutes.

You know, I mean, I've never experienced, me, it's just lonely time. When I'm in the airport, I've never had anyone tell me. Speak to no one. Yeah, exactly. I got questions, I need answers, they don't answer. We were there for like 10 hours in O'Hare Airport. And we didn't get the Admirals Club membership. And I saw the people going into the Admirals Club, and none of them were admirals.

Not a fucking one of them. So we were just amongst the people for 10 hours. So we just saw shifts and shifts of different people. Wow. That's great. Very, very fun. So either way, seven years from now, this dude's going to die.

Sounds like the vacation is to the airport for you. Go to the airport. Poor Henry. But he doesn't drink like I drink, so I'm just like, bar.

He's a nice guy. He's a nice guy. He just wanted to sleep on the flight that I ran into a friend and I ordered six Jack Daniels immediately. I was like,

party row, and Henry was just trying to sleep. Poor guy. Yeah, I was like, party row. And Henry was just like trying to sleep. Poor guy. Yeah, I was in the row behind him working. Oh, no, that's on the way too. Oh, on the way too. Oh, you were on the way back.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I was in the back working and Ben got all drunk and Kevin was like, who did William Henry Harrison run against as a president? William McKinley. William McKinley. Yeah, Brian. He ran against Brian. I wasn Bryant. You went against Bryant.

I wasn't... You have to scream on an airplane. You don't. No, you do. You don't. The last place you want to scream.

I'm sorry. No, it wasn't like, okay, it's a party plane, you know, but everyone was just like... If you yell, it's a party plane when you walk on the plane,

it makes it a party plane. I forgot that one rule. Party plane! We did it. Everyone gets sad. We're on a party plane. Yeah, I do. Yes.

Thank you for all the hard work you did for the live shows, Marcus. Also, I like that you got that schnockered for a two-hour flight. It's not even like it's a long flight. You got to get drunk in the air if you want to land drunk. Oh, yeah. I mean, you can't argue with that. Literally nothing you can argue about. I got fucking blitzed on my way back from Texas.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. Vodka all the way through. It was great. Nice. How long of a flight is that? It was three different flights. Three flights?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was three flights. It's hard to get to my part of Texas. Yeah. Jesus. That's like $100 worth of vodka that sounds like that. That's a lot. Well, one of them, I got upgraded to first class, and I have no idea how. That never happens to me. Yeah, I have no idea how it happened, but the guy, when he actually put my ticket through,

I was the only one that he said, enjoy your flight, Mr. Parks. Wow. I kind of felt like Tyler Durden for a little bit. I think maybe he was a fan. Oh, could be. Could be. Cool. We got inside the TSA. Who's that? Tyler Durden from Fight Club.

It's the same guy? Fight Club, I just ruined it for you. They're both the same guy. No, I've never seen that. The whole time, it's Meatloaf. Meatloaf does everything. He's Bob, he's Brad Pitt, and he's Edward Norton. Meatloaf is unbelievable in Fight Club. He's amazing. He's really good.

I love Meatloaf. Both the food and the artist. Edward Norton Jr. and Brad Pitt that you have to know is going in., you have to know this is going in. It's important to know this is going in. They're the same person. Why? Yeah, but they're just fighting each other.

It ruins the whole movie, but it's old. In Seven, it's Gwyneth Paltrow's head in the box. What's in the box? It's a head. Yeah. What else should we ruin? Yeah, but they've got that, what's the song from Fight Club? It's dumb.

Fight for your life in the Fight Club When it's horny and crazy in the Fight Club We are the same person in the Fight Club Give it away right before the movie starts About an hour in, you're gonna find this out It is it If you listen to it, you'll have the credits Completely ruined Completely ruined It's great It is. If you listen to it, you'll have any credits. You'll have to completely ruin it.

Completely ruin it. It's great. It is like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles intro. They just told you way too much. I would have liked to know about the oohs a little bit later on. Whatever. All right, Marcus. Anything?

Kevin, do you want to say anything? I mean. No. I don't know. You haven't said anything in a while. Louie, anything you want to say? No, I'm good. Fine. George, you're listening. Anything you want to say? You I mean, no. I don't know. You haven't said anything in a while. Louie, anything you want to say? No, I'm good. Fine. George, you're listening. Anything you want to say?

You guys are awesome. He says we're awesome. That's good. George is married. Yeah. We hooked him up. He and his fiance. I think we more pressured his fiance into proposing. That's right. And he loves it. George appreciates it. We're all going to go to the wedding in Los Angeles. Listen to Sex and Other Human Activities with me and Marcus Park.

Well, technically Abe Lincoln's top hat is the reason they got together. Technically. Technically, but you know. So, whatever. Either way, Kevin, your career is good. We've all got fingers in this thing. I got fingers in everything. Lord.

All right. So should we do another news story? Let's do another news story. This one's local. This is we do another news story? Let's do another news story. This one's local. This is a Manhattan story. What? A woman from Canada was attacked by the Free Hugs guy in Times Square on Thursday because police said she didn't give him a tip.

The ordeal happened on Broadway near West 46th Street sometime before 1045 a.m., and the victim was a 22-year-old woman from Ottawa. The NYP said the woman took a picture with Jermaine Himmelstein, 24, who was holding a sign that said, free hugs. Police said Himmelstein then demanded three times that the woman give him money, and she refused each time. After the third denial, he punched her in the face. Oh, shit.

Jesus Christ. But no, he did have a sign that said, free hugs, right? Free hugs. Yeah, it's false advertising. Yeah, exactly. Very confusing. It's been hugs. Yeah. You, shit. But no, he did have a sign that said free hugs, right? Free hugs. Yeah, it's false advertising. Yeah, exactly. Very confusing. Hugs. Hugs for cash. Yeah, hugs for cash. Also, Jermaine

Hambelstein, where is this man from? Jackie, what do you think? Do you think he's Asian, black, white? What do you think? I don't know. He's definitely not, you know, from here, right? I mean, it's a very American name. I don't know. He's definitely not, you know, from here, right? Well, it's a very American name. I don't think it is.

Here's a picture of Jermaine Himmestein. French. It could be French. I think he's French. He's an African-American gentleman, for those listening at home. I don't think that's the right thing. Not African-American. I don't think that's right anymore.

He's a black man. Black. He's black. He's the right thing anymore. Not African American. I don't think that's right anymore. He's a black man! Black! He's black! He's real black, Ben. Oh, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. If you gotta get a hug from somebody that you don't know, I feel bad for you. I hate the way they're acting like this.

It's like, beautiful, you hold these free hugs, you give everyone free hugs. Get away from me. Don't touch me. It's weird. It's very strange no i want to hug from a loved one i mean holden has a job and he has ants in his fucking bag yeah just imagine what this guy has going on yeah exactly that's what that's a good move though put a bunch of ants in your bag offer free hugs spread the ants classic classic gag classic gag i think it would only be great If it was fire ants though You know So at least get bit all over Yeah you can't be piss ants

That ain't nothing No Piss ants Well what if Okay Huh Piss ants are I thought that was an expression

No I mean that's what we call them The little tiny ones Like sugar ants Oh yeah They don't actually urinate No no no But you just call them piss ants You take them

But then you piss on the ants Do ants piss There's not enough water For them to piss They definitely pee Do you think so Yeah It's enough water for them to piss. They definitely pee. Do you think so? Yeah. It's one of those things that when they shit and pee at the same time, it comes out together.

Yeah. I'm guessing one hole. It's like a bird with a cloaca. Ah. Yeah. But the insect version of a cloaca. Huh. Yeah.

You're saying that weird. Yeah, I feel like it's not cloaca at all. It's almost like that, but it's not that. You did your own thing, man. Is it cloaca? That's how jazz got started. Also, their dicks are ten times the size of their body. I just found out that barnacles have the biggest dicks in the animal kingdom.

Really? Isn't that crazy? Proportionally, yeah. Yeah, it must be proportionally because, I mean, obviously it's a small penis. Yeah, proportionally. It's like 40 to 1, though, man. But it's only the lanky ones. It's only the lanky, quiet barnacles.

Yeah, but fuck a barnacle, am I right? Have everybody got fucked by a barnacle before? Good Lord. Man, just, like, on the side of, like, a dock, and all of a sudden, you're just like, good Christ! And you just have, like, crazy scrapes up all over your leg. That's why all the high school kids throw those old boat parties. It's all the boat parties.

Yeah, and they rub against the boats. I would love the barnacle superhero guy. You just get bit by a barnacle and you become Barnacle Man. You just cling to the side of boats and shit. You're like, this sucks. You get bit by a spider. Just like shitty. Just like a shitty superpower. Just like, fuck it.

Blue Whale's penis is 10 feet long. Really? They're so big. That thing offers free hugs. Well, the whale with the 10-foot dick. Whale with the 10-foot dick. The 10-foot dick. It offers you free hugs. Whale doesn't want nothing to do with you.

Here's a good, fun question, though. How big is an elephant's dick? Because when Freddy got fingered, he jerks off an elephant, and it comes on his father like a fire hose. But he jerks off the elephant with both of his arms, and I'm wondering, is that true to reality? 39 inches long, 6 inches around. A 6-inch girth. Not that large, though, considering the size of the beast.

39 inches, what's that? Give me a real life. That's like a couple of few feet. It's like three Subway sandwiches. It's three Subway sandwiches. Three Subway sandwiches. That's what I want. That's exactly what I want.

I want it to be like a math problem. Three Subway sandwiches long. Yes. You know inches. I don't know. That is the easiest. Now when you put a bunch of them together, it gets confusing after that. That gets confusing.

You say a ton of them all at once? Yeah. I don't know. 39. Ben, how many Subway sandwiches is that? Oh, my God. Footlongs. Footlongs.

How many footlongs is that? Three and a quarter. Three and a quarter. Yeah, it's three and one third. Three and one third plus three inches. Let me pull out my calculator. No, a quarter is a third. Yeah, it's three and one-third. Three and one-third plus three inches. Let me pull out my calculator. No, a quarter is a third. I don't know.

A quarter of... Oh, it's not inches. It's 12 inches. It is a quarter. 39 divided by 12. This is common core. This is bullshit math. Three and a quarter.

I know. I got it now. I understand. Thank you. See, that's what I'm saying. Just give it. You know, it's like the people. The you. See, that's what I'm saying. Just give it. You know, it's like the people. The people.

We don't know what 39 inches is. So it's three foot longs, and then if you ever order a platter, it's like one of the little platter things. Yeah. Yeah, a nub. And it's a sandwich nub on top. Three sandwiches and a nub. But six inches around.

Six inches. But that's not two arms worth. You could jack it off with hands. Yeah. Two hands. You don't need an arm. Oh, I could jerk it off with hands. Two hands. You don't need an arm. Oh, I could jerk it off with one of my hands. Look at that.

He's just showing us the size of his hands. Yeah, I got really big hands. I'm happy for you, man. You got good elephant jerk-off hands. Pick the wrong career. Although I got to say, Marcus, your hands are probably twice the size of Louie's hands. Yeah, I got really tiny hands. Got real long skinions.

Oh, right. Elephant sees Louie coming. He's like, man, fucking come on. What is this business? But here's the other thing about an elephant's penis is that when it's fully erect, it's S-shaped. Really? Yeah, let me see if I can find a picture. You call it a wiggle waggle at that point, right?

Oh, his old wiggle waggle's going. It would be kind of fun to see if you can get your hands all the way around it without touching it. Kind of a fun game. Look at that thing. Oh, yeah. Alright. That's just gravity. It's kind of a Neapolitan. Yeah.

I've seen a lot of them and that's the thing. They've all got that three color system going. Oh, they do. Pistachio, strawberry, and vanilla. Oh, look at that one. That's a big old one. I used to thought it was cool, like those two-tone dicks you see in porn every once in a while. I thought it'd be cool to have one of those.

I got one of those. Really? Yeah. No way. Yeah, totally. That's crazy. Yeah, it's weird. Which is darker, the top or the bottom?

Bottom. So, but are there any black people with white dicks? I feel like this is a real white thing what sometimes you can watch a porno yeah because sometimes you can watch a porno and the dick will be just almost pitch black and then it's attached to a white person yeah have you ever seen it why is that what is that the skin is darker I forget the answer why but it was on I read the answer on one of those little ask a scientist things and there is a reason the pigment is darker down

there I think it's like a protective thing. Yeah. Like your nutsack is always darker. My nutsack is darker. Is it just a heat thing? It's probably just a heat thing. I don't know. I always kind of wondered.

I mean, mine's just... It's probably protective, like so you don't get a sunburn on your... Yeah, so you don't burn your dick. It's thicker skin, right? Then on the head, I imagine, right? Yeah. We don't have any answers to this question. I don to this question I guess I'll just punch different parts of it and come back and tell you all right I like this experiment I'll let you know yeah it

just seems to be hey how do women react to the two-tone are they into it or they weirded out uh they call them two-tone Timmy one was weirded out by it but she was just terrible in general uh most other women just if they're weirded out by it they but she was just terrible in general. Most other women, if they're weirded out by it, they don't mention it. But do they ever say, like, oh, it's one of those two tones? A couple of them have. So, like, oh, it's one of those two tones. This one was like, oh, what's wrong with your dick? Well, I mean, it's fine.

What's the tone there? So it's real white on top? Yeah, it's like skin color on top, and then it's darker on the bottom. Huh. Well, your name is Marcus Parks? There you go. Thatens. Yeah, it's like skin color on top and then it's darker on the bottom. Huh. Well, your name is Marcus Parks. There you go. That works. Yeah, the bottom half of my dick is the same color as my balls.

As a matter of fact, your middle name, what is your middle name again? Jordan. Yeah, Michael Jordan Parks. I mean, if you're... Yeah, Marcus Jordan Parks. Yeah, Marcus Jordan Parks. If you're NYPD, you're just like, I'm going to arrest him. I just arrest this guy, I guarantee it. But then you lookPD, you're just like, I'm gonna arrest him. I just arrest this guy, I guarantee it.

But then you look at him, you're like, you're free to go. I used to date a girl named Monique. People were super confused when we showed up. Marcus and Monique. She was a tiny little skinny Asian. Really? I can see that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the future, huh? Boy, ain't it something?

We're all just mixing. Wild and weird. Mm-hmm. Disg We're all just mixing. Wild and weird. Disgusting. All just mixing. All right, Marcus, what else you got? Let's see here. Oh, yeah, did you guys talk about the diarrhea medication? No. No, no, no.

Missed that story. Yeah, that's right. Missed that one. Good, you passed test two, Marcus. There you go. Oh, yeah. Missed the first one. Some opioid addicts are turning to an over-the-counter alternative to get high, and it's probably

not one you'd expect. A growing number are taking dangerous doses of Imodium AD, a widely available diarrhea medication. According to a report published in the Annals of Emergency Medicine. Yeah. Hell yeah. That's true. published in the anals of emergency medicine yeah hell yeah the anti-diarrhea medication has growing appeal with substance abusers because it is cheap and readily available a person would have

to take an enormous dose of anti-diarrhea medication to get high addicts are found to be popping anywhere from 50 to 300 pills a day what What the fuck? So are you just getting high because your body isn't allowing the toxic, you know, things that are in poop to stay in your body? Well, it is. You get high on your own shit, in other words? No, no, no. It's lopramide that is the active ingredient in anti-the-imodium-AD. It causes intestinal slowdown, which is how it slows down your diarrhea,

how it doesn't flow as well. And it's an opioid agent, but it's a very weak one, so you have to take 300 of them to equate one oxy. Well, because heroin or stuff like that, that does constipate someone, right? Yeah. Right? Yeah, actually it does.

It does. Oh, my God. I saw the worst photo of a person who died, and they had such, it was just their shit blockage in their body. It was like a basketball size. Oh my God, but how fun would it be the day that you just get that out of you? When do you ever get it out of you? You keep taking the pills.

Well, stop taking heroin. I don't know. I don't even like to fuck with diarrhea medicine at all. I just don't like being stopped up. I'm like, let it run its course. If you need it, though. So if you keep eating like 100, that's fucking crazy. If you have food poisoning and you're like, I'm dying.

I cannot. I was like, you can't keep enough water in you that I had to take it, but at the same time, you feel like you're sitting on Miss Muffet's tuffet. I was just like my intestines are going to explode. I want to be dead. What's worse? I don't know. That's why I only took it that one time. I was like, I would rather just shit. That's why my mother always said

shit and let shit be. Is that what she says? That's why I would always just shit when I needed to. You should. Yeah. I shat in a box in Texas. Cheerios? Hold on, what happened? No, I...

So it's not Gwyneth Paltrow's head in the box at the end of Seven. See, I was in this old abandoned house. And I suddenly got hit with a... Because I was really hungover because I'd been drinking late with my brother the night before. I got hit with the urge to shit. The only problem is I was in a town with no bathrooms. Wait, what is this?

This is still 2016, right? You got on a plane, not a time machine, correct? A town with no bathrooms? It sounds like a Tom Waits song or something. A town with no bathrooms. Well, there was one bathroom. There's only one business left, and it's a hardware store. But that's Pinky's place, and I hadn't seen Pinky in like six.

This is my hometown. I hadn't seen Pinky in like six or seven years. Did he put his pinky up your pinky hole? No, because his skin is pink because he's always really pink. He always looks sunburned, but I couldn't go past like hey Pinky, I hadn't seen you in seven years, but I need to use your shitter like right now. Why couldn't you just do that? Because it'd be weird.

Weirder than shitting in a box. That would be weird. Not this whole fucking story or the way that you lived apparently in a town with no bathrooms what the fuck are you talking about

for those that want and I didn't even know if they were open because he doesn't have regular hours you don't ever know if he's going to be there or not

so what if I drove all the way there and he wasn't there and I'm sitting in a truck with a half of a shit and I got a shit on the street am I going to do that

so I took a box I emptied it out I took a shit in the box luckily there was some toilet paper do that. So I took a box. I emptied it out. I took a shit in the box. Luckily, there was some toilet paper in there. So I wiped my ass. In the box? No, in the abandoned house I was in. And then I put.

This is like, there's so many questions. And then I put the, and then after I took. Where were the residents of the house? Can I just ask that really quick? Is this the house with the ants? No, no, no, no. It's abandoned. What were you doing in an abandoned house? There was, I had to get really quick. Is this the house with the ants? No, no, no, no. It's abandoned. What were you doing in an abandoned house?

I had to get some stuff. Whoa. Were you stripping it for a copper wiring? Is that what you were doing? I think this is why Marcus's eyes are dead. Yeah. No, I mean, I took a shit in the box, and then I put it in the back of the truck that I was driving.

I drove it to the next town over, and I threw it in the dumpster at the Allsets. Classic gag. Yeah. Dude, you were in an abandoned house, and you got the shit with you leave the shit Throw it in the back you're wrong with you It didn't feel right you just leave it there in the box, and I had enough toilet paper where I was able to cover it up, so I just, you know, took it, and I knew where I would find it. I didn't want to throw it away in town because, you know, it's a small town.

It was like, oh, did you see Marcus Barks came to town for the first time? Yeah, he threw a big box of shit in my dumpster. No. So you were looting this house. Right. And you shat in the butt and drove it to another town.

I drove it to the next town over and threw it in the parking lot of the convenience store. In the dumpster in the parking lot of the convenience store. I was about to say, that's worse, but that's fine. I've never shit somewhere and then take the shit. Never take a shit to a second location. That's where it originally came from, the phrase

taking a shit. It was originally because we used to a second location. That's where it originally came from, the phrase taking a shit. It was originally because we used to carry our shits around to the next town over. I shit in a plastic bag. Sometimes when you gotta shit, you gotta shit. And this was a box. I was able to comfortably squat over it. Yeah, I don't think I've ever put a duke in anything. You ever been on a road trip when you can't stop?

There's nowhere to go? Sometimes you gotta shit in a bag. I shit behind a tree like a fucking animal. Leave it there. Why am I shitting? You don't have your vagina flapping around in the wind. No, I shit in a bag. That's crazy.

You guys are crazy. You just shit behind a tree, man. Everything else in the world just shits. I was in town. I was in town. I couldn't. How big was the town? It's like, I think, 324 right now.

There's no bathrooms in the town. Yeah, 324 people. Exactly. 324 people. Exactly. Yeah, but there's still people across the street. This girl that I went to high school with, her parents lived across the street. I couldn't fucking shit in front of the Lopez's.

I get it. And you couldn't shit, there's no toilets in this abandoned house? No. Well, I mean, there was. There's no toilets in the whole town. I'm sorry. I forgot. There's no toilets in the whole town. I'm sorry, I forgot. There's no toilets in the whole town.

My bad for asking. I mean, but that's the thing. It's an abandoned house, so there's no running water. So that shit's just going to sit in there. Yeah, so if I shit in the toilet, I might as well just leave the box there. No one's going to do either one. It's the greatest insult. Yeah, the greatest.

It is the greatest insult. Shitting in an abandoned house's toilet. Yeah, but I'm not going to go over to Mrs. Lopez's house and ask to use her bathroom It is the greatest. Shit in an abandoned house's toilet. Yeah, but I'm not going to go over to Mrs. Lopez's house and ask to use her bathroom because then I'd have to have a whole conversation. Before you even take the shit. Before I even take the shit. And it was an emergency shit. It was a hangover beer shit.

These are lonely people, too. You're not just going to have a few sentences with them. No, no, no. You're going to have hours. I would have to recap the last eight years of my life and then have to listen to what's been going on with her for the last three weeks, and it's all going to be boring. Oh, right.

I mean, shucking peas. Oh, shucking peas? That's what she does? Is that what their career is? Some of them do. Some of them shuck peas. Some of them grow their own peas. It's just a way to make money, Kissel.

I don't care. I did read an article about how Lubbock is actually the saddest place in the country. Oh, my town, the town that I was in. Lubbock? He's near Lubbock. Near Lubbock, yeah. The town that I was actually in, it got number nine

on the top ten worst small towns in Texas. In Texas, though. Which means the worst. There's a shitload of small towns. It's all towns under 1,000 people. It's the town I grew up in. What makes it the worst? What makes it so bad?

There's no bathrooms. There's no bathrooms. Median. It's like beings are shitting into boxes. I feel like after Holden's story, it makes sense, though. I mean, he went into a public bathroom and dumped it full of fucking ants. So maybe it's for the best. Them city slickers coming out here dumping our bathrooms full of ants.

Close the bathroom. I've never been more terrified in my life. Yeah, it was like median income, which is like $12,000 a year in that town. House prices, like you can buy a house for like $15,000. And crime rate, it's got the second highest crime rate of any small town in Texas. It was fine when I was growing up. I don't think there would be any crime rate in a small town. I mean, it's a lot of

fights. A lot of beatdowns. Jesus Christ. People always told their kids, don't go to Rochester. You'll get into a fight. Because they usually would. They would get into a fight. Yeah, don't come to Rochester. You get fucked up. Alright. That's what my brother always said. That's what he always did. Good. That's what they do.

It's free entertainment. Fight club. Not bad. Yep. Love Bob. That's right. Everyone loves Bob. But yeah, I got rid of the shit and it's fine. Oh, and also there was a town five miles away. They got number four on the list. Really? Yeah.

It's just a horrible area of Texas. And the town on the other side, they got number four on the list. Really? Yeah. It's just a horrible area, Texas. And the town on the other side, they got number 75. Well, nice. I can tell throughout this entire podcast you are coming back to New York. I can see you. You're re-energized. A little bit, yeah. I'm around, you know, people.

Yeah, not shitting in a box. I'm not shitting in a box. I spend a lot of time alone out there. No rattlesnakes murdered today? Northwest Texas. And that's by Lubbock? Well, like three hours east of Lubbock. Hour north of Abilene, four hours west of Dallas. That's just far from

everything. You just take a left of the Wendy's in Austin, and then you're there in like ten hours. Yeah, Austin is eight hours away. They call it the Big Empty. Oh, man. God, that's sad. The Big Empty. There was nothing sadder. Oh, it's like that movie. Is it The Last Picture Show? Is that

Actually, The Last Picture Show was filmed like an hour and a half away at Archer City. Alright, I get it now. Yeah, you get it. Yeah, yeah. I grew up in one of those towns. Cool. Okay. That's great. Yeah, don't pity me because I can see pity in your eyes right now. No, no, no. I was going to say there's these twins with huge tits

that live in Lubbock that I've always wanted and I follow on Twitter. Do they have rhyming names? I don't know their actual names. I know their Twitter handles. What is it? Damn Ariel and Queen Nefertiti. That's great.

Queen Nefertiti. She crushed her sister. That's such a better name. Well, damn Ariel tweets a lot more. Maybe she's a little bit more confident. What do they do? Do they just tweet about tits? What do they do?

She's actually kind of funny on Twitter, and they just post these scandalous Instagram pictures that are just fucking so hot. It's crazy. Now, do you jerk off to these tweets? I have to look at Instagram sometimes. I haven't looked at it in forever. I don't have Instagram.

Really? Yeah. I turn mine into just soft core porn. I can't even. If someone else has said this, I'm not the first to say it, but I really can't open it in public. It's like. Really?

Mine is approaching that. It's impossible, man. But what I want to do is I want to get my Twitter feed up to that because those GIFs are fucking bananas because you could put straight porn on Twitter. Yeah, you just put it straight up. And man, there's something about a GIF, like just three seconds repeating. I don't know, something about it. Yeah.

Marcus, did you find them? No, I didn't find them. I was looking for... It's Nefertiti, like, titty's like titty. Oh, like, oh, T-T-Y. Okay. I was trying to spell, like, Nefertiti. Nefertiti.

Yeah. Queen Nefertiti. Yeah.iti. Queen Nefertiti. Oh, no, wait. I put three T's in there. Extra T for the big titty. Very good. Woo! Queen Nefertiti.

Let's see them. Yeah, wow. Soul sister. The other sister's even hotter. But they're twins. I mean, they're both pretty hot. I mean, they're both fucking... Wow, it's crazy.

And the other one's damn what? Damn Ariel. All right. I think Queen Nefertiti is very attractive. That's great. Yeah, man. All right, now let's do a segment from Old McNeeley. Joke shots.

Everyone is screaming about them. Joke. Everyone loves to talk about them. In fact, Ben, you had one recently, right? In Chicago, we took a shot of Malort. Yes, it was a terrible thing. I spoke about it on multiple podcasts this week. You said it tastes like meat, like organs.

I said it tastes like Princess Diana's vagina now, because she's dead. And it tastes like the gout and those sorts of things. It's not that bad. I think it's got a taste. It is so bad. I know that's not true, Luke. I don't mind it.

It tastes like a nice medicinal kind of a... Malort? See, that's the thing, Luke. I don't mind it. It tastes, it's got a nice medicinal kind of a... See, that's the thing. At first I liked it, then I hated it, then I really wanted more. Interesting. Yeah. I had, I talked about Princess Diana's death this week, because I was gonna jerk off to the Spice Girls on SNL, and then it got interrupted by Princess Diana's death, and I was really pissed off about that.

I was like, who's this fucking bitch? I'd never heard of her, and I had a big hard-on. Literally, they showed the picture of the Spice Girls, like they were about to perform, and then, oh, this just did! You know, interruption, and they covered it. Instead of showing any more of the episode SNL, they just kept covering Princess Diana's death, and I had a hard-on and everything.

I just had to sit there I was doing the same thing, just not wanting to jerk off to the Spice Girls because I had access to pornography Right, I was desperate back in the day I've never jacked off to live musical performance, like it doesn't matter how hot I don't think I could. It was just back in the

day man, I was desperate for any sort of, like a lag would set me off. It was back when you were always horny horny. And so, um, I talked about this on This Week in Jackets. You can listen to that. Joke shots. You had Malort. I have a joke shot and this is what it is, okay?

You're gonna take a shot of Jackie shaking her head no, like she's not gonna do it, but she has to do it. Do you have to pee still, Jackie, or are you dipping? No, no, I'm sorry. For the past, like, ten minutes, I had to pee so bad that I thought I was going to throw up. Okay. But I got access into the

employee bathroom, so everything was fine. Very good. Oh, because it's a long line out there. Either way, joke shots. You've got to name one, and you've got to describe it. Mine's called What's in the Box. Alright? And what it is, is it's just a normal shot of well whiskey, right? And as they're drinking it, though, you're like, What's in the Box. All right? And what it is is it's just a normal shot of well whiskey, right? And as they're drinking it, though, you're like, what's in the box?

You open up a box and it's got shit in it. Marcus' shit. Okay, very clever. All right. Mine is going to be called. It's a bit of a callback in case you missed that. It's such a recent one. Yes.

It was a really bad one, too. It wasn't liquid, but it was close. Oh, the shit was bad. I thought you were saying the callback. It wasn't water. The shit wasn't water, but it was definitely like, I mean, you could have filled up a cup with it, you know? It would have.

You took that with you, man? That is crazy. It's so weird that you did that. That is crazy. No, I. It is one of the crazier things you've done especially the more you were talking about the shit the more I had to piss

it was like the same as when you're talking about water when you really gotta go to the bathroom I mean I really I really debated as to whether to take it or not and I almost left I got into the truck and I closed the door and I was like nah

I better take it. I just wish I could see that thought bubble above your head during that little decision making thing of the little stick figures of, you know. Anyways, Kissel, you gotta name a joke shot. It can't have anything to do with shitting in a box. Alright, we'll call it

Ben Kissel's Barbershop Hop. Barbershop. No, no, no. Ben Kissel's Barbershop hop. Barbershop. No, no, no. Ben Kissel's Barbershop hop. Are you doing it? I'm just calling it the Ben Kissel's Barbershop. It involves hair and then, I don't even know. You know, you gotta go in.

Wait. And, you know, the bartender is like, as they skim in orange. So you have to go into a barbershop to get this shot. Whatever. The bartender has to shave a little bit of their pube and they put it in each small shot, which contains vodka, Kahlua, and then heavy cream. It's just a White Russian. Oh, I like White Russian.

With the bartender's pube in it. You can get arrested for that. It's the barbershop. I don't know. I mean, it's a trick shot. You could probably get arrested. No. I guess, could you get arrested for showing somebody a human shit

in a bar no I don't think so no you cannot bring human shit into a bar it's a biohazard but see that's not I don't think that's a crime

I think that's just a health code violation that's a crime and even then it's like terrorism it's terrorism technically it's the first

biological weapon what if what if the box was like biohazard protective, you know? And it was like you looked through like a plastic. You never bring shit into a restaurant. No, what if it's like a shit in like a plexiglass box?

Yeah. So why would you bring it into a completely protective? That's art, man. That's fucking art. What if I'm giving it to a friend and we have to meet somewhere? Then it's not a joke shot anymore. Yeah, what if he gives it to his buddy? It's like the arm in Terminator and you got to get it out of the wall. No, I have to meet somewhere. Then it's not a joke shot anymore. Yeah, what if he gives it to his buddy? It's like the arm in Terminator

and you got to get it out of the wall. No, I have to piss. So Jackie, hurry up. All right, Jackie. It's going to be called the Sticky Hicky Dicky. And basically what it is, it's a shot of tequila, but at the bottom of the shot is a bunch of gack.

The ones that makes the farting sound. I love gack. You don't have to describe to me what gack is. So you make the sticky farting sounds. I love gagging. I love gagging. So you make the sticky farty sounds inside of the drinks. You got to do it until the man gets hard. He takes a shot and then you suck his dick. And then the aperitif is his cum inside your mouth. Cool.

That's the sticky I guess. I would only say that that sounds pleasurable, right? Yeah. For the customer. Yeah, but it's difficult to get them hard just by the sound of farting. So it takes a while and they're ashamed and embarrassed. I see. Oh, so he has to have his pants off by the time.

Yes, for the sticky dickie. Okay, so everyone's watching. Everyone's watching so it's a. Okay, so everyone's watching. Everyone's watching, so it's a lot of fun. Everyone's cheering him on. It's like a supportive atmosphere. But sometimes that makes it worse. I know for me that makes it worse.

People encourage me. I hate it. It's a much more deep-seated issue. Louie Katz. Mine's sex on the beach, but it's sex with two exes. And it's just jizz and sand. Let's go for that. Let's go for sex on the beach but it's sex with two X's and it's just jizz and sand Let's go for that, let's go for sex on the beach What?

He just won! Alright, Louis Katz He just snuck in and stole it from everybody Unbelievable I do have to pee, so we have to end the episode That's Jackie Zabrowski, Louis Katz Marcus Parks Whoa!

Oh, you just called him Henry. I might as well not exist. Oh, my God. Henry is the all-knowing, all-being little tiny guy. Tiny man. He's small. Whatever. All right, Louis, what do you got?

Everyone stop listening by now, but I'll promote it anyway. I'm going on tour. I'm doing a cross-country tour starting next week. You can see me in Atlanta. You can see me in Atlanta. You can see me in Huntsville, Alabama, Nashville, Denver, and Salt Lake City, and then Portland. So look at my website, louiskatzcomedy.com, L-O-U-I-S-K-A-T-Z, for all the upcoming dates.

You should call it Cats Does the States. Oh, that's so great. All right, we'll talk to you soon. Please do that. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.