The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 290: A Dumb Dinner With Idiots

Episode Date: June 7, 2016

The gang is joined by Greg Stone to recount the mystery of the Shitting Yelper, hear about a baby with too much testosterone, and learn that pythons living in your toilet aren't just urban legends.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Ladies and gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

Civility. Well, welcome to the show here. This is the prayer part. I want to thank God for making me so pretty because I am officially working for Kmart. And I went on my fitting today. I tried on a bunch of big clothes. And they were so unimpressed with me physically

I was with a real male model huge, huge wand on the guy and I saw it backstage there so I want to thank God for making my body so beautiful and ready for Kmart so what's going on with Kmart? you booked a gig?

I booked a modeling gig it will be a print ad I will be appearing in your local Kmarts in the south and parts of the Midwest. It'll be an installation inside of a Kmart. What? When you're sniffing panties, I'm watching.

Get out of the Kmart. Get out of Kmart. When you were a huge boy grappling other boys in high school, did you ever consider one day you would have the word model on your fucking resume? Big and tall male model. No, I didn't think about that Holden, but now I can't stop fucking thinking It's gonna be big big and tall Ben kisses. Yeah, thank you God

Yeah Thank you so much hard to understand. Yeah. No, they were really impressed yeah the unimpressed the the other models their abs and everything cheeks and bones really great I don't know man you got a great body Thank You Greg Greg stone is with us you were an affirmative action hire yeah kind of was, yeah. Like a fat, tall, affirmative action hire. Get me a fatty. Yep. And I'm the one.

2016, man. It's all the acceptance and all that bullshit. That's what's happened. Yeah. Beautiful. Well, I mean, you have to work out so hard, Kevin, just to be taken seriously and loved. I'm just white. I can just be fat.

I literally, I slammed two Papa John's pizzas last night and I licked the garlic sauce lid. That was what I prepared. That's what a big and tall male model who works at Kmart does. Me specifically. What were you modeling? Khakis and

Biscash. Biscash's the way to go. So pretty cool stuff happening. It's a pretty good strategy though, because part of it might just be like if some dude sees it and like, well, if it looks that good on him, reverse marketing. Yeah, usually models are hot, but I'm the ugly model. You'll look better than I do. That's what they say.

Like, oh, shirts do get that big. Look at that. Kind of fun. Make jokes about how it would be good on a sailor's boat or something. I thought I was in the bedding area. Turns out, this is a shirt for a man too big

to be in a normal room. And then a woman's gonna laugh at his joke, and then she's gonna make eye contact with him and fall in love with him for his sense of humor. So I'm helping people. But if you're sniffing the underwear, get out of the Kmart. Aw, man. And two, you're gonna have a bunch of girls fucking flicking their bean to you, man. So I'm helping people. But if you're sniffing the underwear, get out of the Kmart. Oh, man. And two, and you're going to have a bunch of girls

fucking flicking their bean to you, man. Oh, yeah, yeah. Your picture. Yep, I do. And I will. All right, Greg Stone. Yeah. Hey.

You're here. Here we go. There we go. That's good. This is the round table. We know that. Eddie, you're here. Ed Larson, how you doing, buddy?

I'm so happy for you. Thank you. I feel really good. H is the round table. We know that. Eddie, you're here. Ed Larson, how you doing, buddy? I'm so happy for you. Thank you. I feel really good. Haldinators, ho! Man, I fucked up. What'd you do? I forgot to go pull my PlayStation shout-outs for the week. Seems like you don't care about your fans.

No, I love my fans. There's a bunch of shout-outs, too. They put a bunch of them. I swears. Well, you can't double up next week. It's going to disperse them or something. We're doing the dubbies, buddy. I'm not coming if you're doing dubbies. Yeah, doubles is too many. It's too, too many. It's going to disperse them or something. We're doing the dubbies, buddy. I'm not coming if you're doing dubbies.

Yeah, doubles is too many. It's too, too many. It's going to be dubbers. I don't know, man. All right. Split it up. Put one a week, and you'll catch up eventually. One a week, catch up eventually, huh?

Well, either way, thank everybody for watching the Twitch stream from last Friday night with Henry Zebrowski playing Outlast. More to come. Yeah. And that cum is spelled with a U. Absolutely disgusting. I love that technology has caught up with your laziness. Yeah, I don't have to leave the house.

I got a show. I don't even have to fucking hit but one button and I got a show. Unbelievable. Yeah, I'm here, man. Kevin Barnett. Okay. Yeah. Soaked.

Yeah, you got caught. Yeah, they got me, man. I left my house with no umbrella thinking I was like, fuck God, fuck the rain, fuck all that stuff. And then God told me exactly what time it was. So it's fine. Yeah, never curse God on the subway. No, no, no.

I feel bad even saying it in the past tense. Is that right? Yeah. Marcus, how are you doing? I'm doing good. How about you, Ben? I'm fine. You never asked Marcus how he's doing. That was nice of you. It was really nice. Thank you. Yeah, how are you doing? I'm doing good. How about you, Ben? I'm fine. You never asked Marcus how he's doing.

That was nice of you. That was really nice. Thank you. Yeah, not a problem. What happened? His Kmart gigs really got you in a decent mood. Kmart's big. I feel good.

Yeah. Kind of funny stuff happening. Things are looking up Ben Kissel. Yeah. They always are. You can't help it. Is it going to be upstate? Are we going to have all your ads over here? Because I go to Kmart probably once a week.

Do you really? Yeah. I thought I got my figgies out. Stop sniffing the undies. I'm going to go in there. Good God. Alright, Marcus, should we do a news story? Yeah. Okay. It started off with what seemed like a run-of-the-mill Yelp rant. MSC gave Nick's Riverside Grill one star

for allegedly overcharging her for a drink and then failing to return her phone call. But in a public response from a manager, things started to get messy. Oh, I heard about this. This is a fun one. The manager, Liz S., called out the Yelper for allegedly losing control of her bowels in the middle of the restaurant and sitting in it for the remainder of the evening. The restaurant claimed they had to reroute patrons so they wouldn't walk through the mess

and that the Yelper threw her underwear away in their trash can, forcing an employee to clean up her feces. I like it. I mean, I love the idea of someone shitting themselves and just be like, I'm staying in it. I'm not leaving. I'm fine. I mean, they must have still been serving her, right,

as she sat into her own pile of feces. Well, they said she only had two beers over the course of the evening, but they noticed right before the incident she was, quote, walking awkwardly. Oh, yeah. That makes sense. She's drinking bleach at the table. Yeah.

But they did let her sit in it at the bar for a couple of hours. They knew, then let? Hmm? They knew, then let? Yeah. Oh, yeah. They totally knew. Customers, then let? They knew, then let? Customers, yeah. It sounds like she was in the middle of the bar. Tough to reroute. Acceptance has gone to a great place.

I had to kick a mailman out of Poor House one time for shitting himself. Then we had this really big, expensive American Airlines party out in the back room and he wandered in there, just covered in his own shit, just stinking thinking up the joint i had to grab him and remove him you had to remove a mailman who shot himself in your establishment he was known for paying himself

but this time he himself and so we had to you know tell him we couldn't come back anymore wow it seems to me like we might have ourselves a future mystery pooper. That seems like something that kind of knows where everybody lives. It's a mystery pooper to him, too. That's the problem. He is oblivious. Man, those mailmen would drink. Yeah. Now that I'm gone, I guess I could talk about it.

They would walk around and they would have a bottle of Jack in their little mail thing. Oh, my God. He would drink the entire bottle and then through his mail route and then end up at the poorhouse and drink for another five hours betting on racehorses. That's even... So it's like rain, sleet, or snow,

or even if I'm blacked out drunk, you will get your mail. They all did this, too. Yeah, there was a group of six of them. Well, wouldn't you? I mean, the U.S. Postal Service is falling apart. Your entire industry was crumbling.

Of course you're going to be drunk all the time shitting yourself, betting on the worst. Yeah, I don't want to live in a world where our mailman isn't constantly whistling because he's too drunk to realize how terrible his life is. That sounds great. Well, there was an update to this story. Apparently, Emma C., who was the pooper in question,

was not her. She contacted the city paper to say that she is not the woman in question. She said, It was merely a coincidence that I was at the bar the same night as this other girl, who I feel bad for since she is also being publicly dragged through the media. I just wanted to clarify that I'm just a dissatisfied customer who is now being accused by this establishment of being someone that I'm not, saying some very nasty things about me,

and also insulting this other girl who could potentially have serious health issues. It's ridiculous, irresponsible, and extremely upsetting. Now you get made fun of when you shit and sit at the bar for three hours, right? Mm-hmm. She's fucking guilty. Yeah, that's the guiltiest statement I've ever heard. You think so? If they're gonna let this lady get away with it all night and then just pin it on some random Yelp reviewer, no, no, no, no. She's the shitter.

You think she's the shitter? Of course she's the shitter. Wow. I didn't even think about that. 100%. Yeah. She said that she didn't see or know the woman, but people she was with did see her there at the time. She's like, I wasn't the shitter.

But friends of mine saw this as the shitter, and I wasn't the shitter. I mean, you know, you got to go. Again, I mean, what do you do? Do you walk out in shame, or you just sit in it? You know, I'm kind of proud of this confidence. Yeah, I love that. I feel like sitting in it's like the most polite thing you could do. Right.

Because it's contained. Unless the cushions are, you know, material. Oh, yeah. Well, what bar has a cushiony seat? It's usually a wood-seated bar. That's pretty traditional, isn't it? I don't think it's a bar. I think it's like a buffet restaurant is how I saw it.

You can't shit yourself at a buffet. I'm actually against that because you need to go back up to the buffet all the time. You're actually against that, huh? Yeah. I call it cheating. No, because you just made more room for food. That's always been one of your policies. Totally.

Whatever you're packing when you go into a buffet, you gotta go out with the same amount that you're kept in, that you're in there with. Otherwise, you're cheating. Holy shit, Ben, we've been to this place.

Really? It's in Washington, D.C., the place that me, you, and Henry ate at before our last D.C. show. Oh, my God. And we did the exact same thing. Oh, yeah.

I think there's something wrong with the food. There's clearly something wrong with the food. Clearly something wrong with the food. We're just getting food. Yeah, it was called barfers and shitters, right? I love that.

And that's, yeah, they hand you a diaper at the door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought that was weird, but now it makes sense. So you're telling me this bitch shouldn't

put on her diaper? I guess not. She didn't take the place literally. You're talking about a diaperless bitch right now? Good God. These hoes today don't know how to act.

Welcome to barfers and shitters. The first diaper is complimentary. Ten bucks for the following. Well, the owner of Riverside Grill now says that he admits it was a case of mistaken identity. Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, you can't go pointing those fingers. Definitely not.

Stinky, stinky fingers. Can I share a moment of truth? Yeah. Yes. One of my first dates I ever went on before my license was this girl I was in love with. She took us to Indian food before Indian food. Like, you know how Indian food happened? This is before that.

I didn't know what we were getting into. Pre-Indian food, Indian food. Pre-Indian food. Wow. We went to ice cream first. Thousands of years ago. Before you've ever even seen an Indian person,

we didn't know of them yet. Interesting. Yeah. We had ice cream first. She goes, let's mix it up with ice cream. And she drove. It was her car.

She was older than me. We have ice cream, then Indian food. So you were, what, 15? Young, yeah, yeah. Somewhere in high school. And she was, like, 34? She was about 46. Oh, yeah, yeah. I in high school. And she was like 34? She was about 46.

Yeah, yeah. I shit my pants. I try to go to the bathroom. I shit before I get there. Really? And I go, what am I gonna do? I just climbed out the window. As I'm climbing out the window, I was, remember Jenko's? Yeah. Giant jeans, not made for strength. Yeah. Ripped all the way down. So now

I'm wearing a dress. No underwear, because I took my underwear, cleaned my ass, and just threw it. And I was like, I'm just leaving. They had no toilet paper in the back? I could not give you a remembrance of this. I just remember this was the action I had to take. Cleaned my ass, threw it, snuck out the window, left. Never told her why.

She was my brother's best friend. So she was just like, your brother's a fucking asshole. He left me at the restaurant. And I was like, you never tell her why no one will ever to this day marie i don't know if you're out there i shit my pants and i had to leave and she thinks i was an asshole for doing that but what are you gonna do you gotta escape ice cream and indian food who does that i think this was a setup it might be honest with you it's definitely the recipe for having a date climb them climb through a window after they shit themselves

My god, well, I mean what that is I feel bad for her though So she was just sitting there being like you look at her. She was a senior. I was a freshman So it was like she was really cool. She really came down to be like I'm gonna bring you up Greg I'm gonna bring you up and in her mind. I just bounced mid before the before who the fuck knows a check came I just fucking left. I mean honestly it kind of makes you the coolest kid in school, but also I Shit my pants and had to skip Still still so hot she when she didn't walk she floated. Oh, yeah angel angel god damn it Yeah, chain wallet. Loved H2O.

Oh, man. That's great. She liked water? You didn't deserve her, man. You didn't deserve her at all. That was a test from God. On that date, God created Indian food. He says, I'm going to use this to test Greg Stone.

Oh, man. You failed. Yeah, ice cream and Indian food. It would have been bizarre. Yeah, the whole night could ice cream and Indian food. It would have been bizarre. Yeah, the whole night could have turned out much worse. It would have been weird if he didn't shit himself. Yeah. Yeah.

That's why I don't eat Indian food to this day. Really? Really? Oh, it's so good. No. It's the best. I'm never going back. Do you know what happened to me there?

Do you know what happened? What about ice cream? You didn't do this to ice cream? Yeah, what, you didn't eat ice cream? Interesting. I love ice cream. It's a little bit more white than It's a little bit more white. Crazy?

Maybe it's a racial thing. Could be. You just don't like the Indian culture, perhaps. It's very possible. Yeah, not bad. Well, I never shat myself. Certainly not on a date. What?

I never did. I never had. Really? You never not once in your life? I didn't shit the couch. Yeah, actually. What sort of euphemism is that? I'm not bucking you.

I don't want the ball going through my life. You should have did Kaylee's couch. Yeah. No, I did not. Yes, you did. No, that is a lie. You said the lie in the first place. No.

I didn't say the lie. You said it on this show. No. Go back. Listen to the tape. Okay. I'm not even dealing with it right now. Everyone has shit their pants as an adult in their life.

I shit my pants in college, coming back from the mess hall, cash hall, back at Florida State University. Had some bad food there. Was sprinting back to shit, and it just popped out. No. I'm sorry. This one thing I want to do in my life is run and shit at the same time. Yeah. Were you running and shitting?

No, with like, no. I mean, like, I shit, but I want to take my pants off, take my underwear off. Oh, yeah. And just know that feeling of running and shitting. Right. Shouldn't be on a beach. Well, marathoners do it all the time. I think it helps you go faster.

Yeah. It really might propel you. So they don't stop. So I guess it does make you go faster. Yeah. Oh my God. That's a, that's no one should run a marathon. No.

They're disgusting. Feces. When we riddled people, we went on that run and you had to go take a shit at Central Park. It was only like a couple miles or whatever. It was a 5K. You almost had an accident that day. I did. I drank a vitamin water. Well, you jar something loose when you're

bouncing around like that. Yeah. Kmart, big and tall. Check me out. Stop snipping the undies. Yeah, I definitely had to. A 5K Central Park. I had to stop in the bathroom. And I'll never forget, a homeless man was just taking his bath in the sink. And we had kind of a conversation.

I apologized that I was using his, you know, house. But nice guy. Nice guy. Bad, bad. I actually lost to the special needs kid. Yeah. You were last to everybody. I was the last.

And no one was, they cheered. Okay, now I remember. He was about 30 feet in front of me, this guy. Very good center of gravity. He didn't fall over once. And he was about 30 feet. I don't know. I almost fell over a few times.

And they were clapping for him. And then as soon as he passed everyone looked at me and they're like i don't think he's mentally disabled they just stopped they didn't do it i just just started to silence you don't cry for the person who loses to retard well why the hell not i treated him with equality like everybody else like i treat everyone else who beats me a lot of respect oh my god my God. What a guy. So, yeah, I was shameful. Did you shake his hand?

No, no, no. Good. Probably got diphtheria or fucking some organ disease. No one wanted to touch me. I was sweating profusely. I was pink as a pig. The whole thing was falling apart. I literally was talking.

Yeah, I had a terrible tummy rumble. Oh, rest in peace, Muhammad Ali. Rest in peace, man. Amprints. Dave Mira. All right, so what else is happening in this story? Oh, that's pretty much it. You know, case of mistaken identity.

They still don't know who the shitter woman was. How don't they know? Still no idea. Or at least if they do know, they aren't saying anything. Because apparently the reason why there was a case of mistaken identity was because there was probably a bad bartender on that night because both of these women complained that they had been overcharged on their credit cards. And since they were able to pretty much put two and two together,

this woman complained about overcharging her credit card on Yelp. The same woman also complained about, The same woman who pooped herself complained about being overcharged. They put the two together and said, hey, this is the same woman. Turned out, shitty bartender on staff that night. Shitty customer by definition. Maybe the bartender was so bad, he was the one who put the shit in her pants. He's just that awful of a bartender. She asked for it

Accidentally? Yeah, he's a bungler She ordered a mudslide and he didn't know what it was So he just kind of hooked it up on the fly Really, the woman If I just had the amount of self-esteem that this woman had

I would be so much happier She shat herself and then complained that they charged her too much. Yeah. Powerful. Yeah, she just kept going, man. Wow. And this is after she'd hung out, and she also went to the bathroom and used a couple of towels as well after throwing away. She didn't even throw away her shit-stained panties in the bathroom.

She threw away in, like, the general public trash can. Whoa. Yeah. That's not safe. Not good. Not sanitary whatsoever. Yeah, it says, while this is from the owner, he said, while an unfortunate incident in general,

the woman and her friends left a real mess, including numerous towels we had provided, discarded in the restaurant, dirty clothing thrown away in the bathrooms, an ugly, smelly mess just outside our front door, and some very distraught employees. Hold on. Did you say friends?

Friends. They were all hanging out with a friend who shat herself? True friendship. That's insane. I'm sorry, Eddie. You shit yourself in a public place. I'm walking out. Well, me too.

I can't believe she chased you down the street, screaming, throwing shit at you. Hey, Vinny! Help me, Vinny! Good God, Eddie. Get a hold of yourself. You're acting like a mailman. Oh, I just can't believe that she has friends. I was alone at a bar crying on Wednesday.

I was dookie free. Good friends. Oh, wow. You want to go from poop. You want to go to from poop? You want to go to a different story? Yeah, always. Imagine a one-year-old with fully developed sexual organs.

Ooh, fun. Imagine it. So he's got a cock as big as himself? A man's cock. A super specialty hospital in Delhi is currently treating a baby who has been diagnosed with a rare condition called... Being awesome. Being the

king of the kids. Precocious puberty. The toddler's parents noticed disturbing physical changes when the baby was six months old. Not only was he taller than other children his age, his genitals had started growing abnormally. His mother

said, we thought maybe he was just a big baby, so we did not take him to the doctor. But by the time he was one, it was apparent there was something wrong. My mother-in-law, who was taking care of several children in the family, also said that his growth seemed unnatural. He was taken to the doctor when he was about

18 months old, about half a foot taller than all the rest of the children, and had already started getting facial and body hair. His voice had also started breaking, and he had fully developed sexual organs. Jack! Crazy. If you're a doctor... No, no, no, he's not Jack.

He's not big Jack. He's just a baby that's a little taller than other babies but with the mustache body hair and hog yeah and a big big baby hog yeah I mean I just want to meet the doctor who specializes in this aren't you just embarrass your entire four years of med school be like I'm working on heart disease you're like I'm working on kids with big cocks that's kind of doctor I want to be. Oh, big balls, big balls on kids. It's not just big cocks, it's big pussies, too. Whoa.

I lost my wallet in a toddler last week. Oh, my God, thieves, too. They're thieves, you know. Good Lord. This kid has the testosterone levels of a 25-year-old man. Oh, my God. Yeah. Beating people up.

I know. Actually, the kids with this disease are extremely violent. Of course they would be. Because their testosterone levels are so high. Because they're so fucking cool. They're going to talk to babies all the time. It's like kicking ass. It's like, I'm just trying to get some fucking pussy.

Actually, he is. He's trying to fuck things. Of course he is. Yeah, he has actual sexual urges, but he's 18 months old. So he's just like a toddler that's trying to fuck everything, super violent, with a full fucking set of dick and balls. This is a horror movie. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, do you kill it? I don't know. No, they got to send him to China, man. Let him train with the monks. It would be the greatest martial arts of all time. Think about it. Incredible. Yeah, we got to harness this power, control his energy.

Genghis Khan 2. Yeah. Yeah, well, you kill him or get him a motorcycle. I don't know what the fuck you do with him. Yeah. Get him a hug. A special spin kick. Can we call it the tripod when he just leans on this fucking donger and kicks people with

his feet? It'd be amazing. Yeah, this kid, he doesn't even realize how cool he is. Yeah, his testosterone levels are 500 to 600 nanograms per deciliter. I don't know what that means. A one-year-old, I'll give you a comparison. Thank you. A one-year-old baby's testosterone level is usually 20 nanograms per deciliter.

Oh, wow. Yeah, so from 20 up to 500. That's a lot of things. Yeah, wow, yeah. Guy's got a real hoof down there. I will say that we all knew that kid in grammar school who got big first, he had hairy legs, playing basketball, he was super tall.

Now you look back and he's still 5'6". He's going to have that six-month-old dick for the rest of his life. That's what Henry was. I think Henry was like the first kid in his class to get a growth spurt, get body hair, and then he stayed his own tiny size the entire time. Really? That's funny.

Are you not tall? I always thought you were tall. I'm not Henry. I'm Ed. How tall are you? 5'11". I should have been taller. He was talking about Henry.

Oh, I miss Henry. Yeah. I thought he was looking at you. He was looking at me. I was actually looking at you. I was telling you the story. Oh, that's why I missed Henry. Yeah. I thought he was looking at you. He was looking at me. Well, actually, I was looking at you. I was telling you the story. Oh, that's why I missed the whole thing. I also haven't been paying attention.

That's fine, Greg. Thanks for being on the show. Stop sniffing the undies. Why would they sniff the undies at the store? People are always doing that at Kmart, Walmart, Target. They're clean undies. No one's used them. No, they have a thing for the scent.

I don't know. That's what people do. No, no, no. It has to have the pussy smell on it. That's why you smell it. I a thing for the scent. I don't know. That's what people do. The clean laundry. No, no, no. It has to have the pussy smell on it. That's why you smell it. I'm not a sniffer. I wouldn't know. I mean, so you're telling me this girl that was at the bar that we went to that shat herself,

those are big time undies to sniff? If you're into shit undies. Yeah. But usually if you're into just regular pussy undies, then that's a whole different thing. Pussy undies are the normal undies to sniff. People pay top dollar to buy shit covered undies over the internet from hot girls. It is strange to think about. If you're a woman and you're wearing panties, theoretically you could sell them for $500.

Socks too? Yes. Socks. Your own business. Oh, yeah. We've gone all through the black market on this show before. Not regular eBay? Can I just sell these on eBay?

They've got whole sites that are dedicated specifically to... There's actually women who make their living just selling their own panties. I'm going to do that. I'll do that. No, you're not a woman. I can get a picture of a woman and I can piss on some underwear. I'm not going to lie. You're right.

You're right. I'm no liar. You can't lie. Male piss smells different from female piss. These guys are connoisseurs. They know what's up. You're a psalm of urine. Like, they're not good. They're a psalm of urine.

Yeah, there's a whole, there's a sommelier of urine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This one's got good body. Kind of fruity. $20 an hour. $20 an hour? Yeah. Yeah, not a bad job.

Not a bad job. Kevin, you should start selling your underwear. You know I know your underwear. It's worthless, man. People want to buy my black underwear. My black man underwear. It's worthless. Yeah, it's the color of your underwear. Yeah, that's not true.

Holden you could probably sell some things. Skin flakes, random bumps. Yeah, stuff like that. But that's because I'm known for, you know, I got my whole persona on the internet. Everybody's like, oh when you coming to Iowa? When you coming, you know? I'm like, all right, I guess I'll go, you know, and shit. Yeah, you can start a whole business of dandruff-soaked underwear.

The only person who's dropping flakes out of your crotch. That's why I never shaved my bush, because I'm waiting to just fucking trim off and shoot it out to people, you know, all over the world, all over the country. Locks for cancer and shit. Yeah. Yeah. Or ladies. Eddie, you got your hair your haircut you're borderline bald and you didn't give it to any of the cancer kids you just poured it yeah why'd you keep your hair

you're supposed to give it to people who are bald no they have cancer not all of them some of them are just bald some some yeah they don't want the the whatchamacallit the locks for love is a sham they steal it why do you think that What do they do with the damn hair? How do they repurpose it? I don't know. They sell it to other people. They don't give it to the kids. There's a whole scam with locks of love, so I decided just to keep it.

And where's the hair now? It's in my house. Yeah, apparently, locks of love, there is $6 million in hair that is unaccounted for. What? $6 million worth of donated hair. Totally unaccounted for. You can't give them... I mean, if I knew a kid, I'd give it to them.

Just staple it on their head. I don't know how it's done. You gotta make it a wig. You glue it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. In 2011, they only produced 317 hair pieces,

but they should have had enough hair to produce 2,080. Wow. So who did I send my pubes to then? I mean, it's just in a warehouse somewhere. Coxelove. Oh, I see. The person who's the baldian man.

Does the baby have pubes? Yeah. He's got huge pubes. I mean, it's like he's gone through puberty completely. He has the pubic features of a 25-year-old Indian man. He's in the Plumbers Union. Yeah. I was late on that.

I remember just dying, and when I sprouted my first pube, it was like such a huge day in my life. Yeah, I remember it, too. Yeah, I remember it well. I just remember they were just like there one day. Yeah, me too. Yeah, they come up overnight. It was like a whole, all of them were just like, I woke up and was like, oh shit, I got pubic hair.

Yeah, and it's immediately an inch long out of nowhere. At least. It's cool. Scratch it. Scratch it, scratch it on the baseball diamond. What? Tight pants when you gotta play baseball. New pubes and shit. Rosie O'Donnell

from League of Their Own. Oh, yeah. Just like her. I'm built just like her. You are. You actually are. This is a compliment to her. It's like her and Gandolfini. Yeah.

There's no way you're dying young, Eddie. I'm full Gandolfini right now. I'm as big as ever. Yeah, you're fat as shit right now. What's going on? I'm on a crazy diet. Yeah, his whole thing is he's going crazy right now, and then he's going to apparently eventually stop going crazy.

But I just think it should be the opposite, where you should start eating better now, and then have your cheat. He's having his cheat week up top. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah. That should start some Monday.

Oh, that's a couple hours. You're going to lose your fucking mind, man. If you're just going wild now, then you can start like, because you're going to go like juicing and stuff too, right? No carbs. Start tomorrow. Are you really doing that? Yeah.

No beer for a week. No. Yeah. Why? It's all something I'm working on for Brighter Side. I'm putting myself through a horrible test, experiment. Just like you're just going to live like a normal person who has a successful job. And what, are you just going to drink vodka instead of beer? I'll probably, I'll try not to drink next week for the most part.. And were you just gonna drink vodka instead of beer?

I'll probably... I'll try not to drink next week for the most part. So you're just gonna drink vodka instead of beer? I don't like vodka. I'm getting a pill. I might have some whiskey. Yeah, you'll drink. I'll drink whiskey. Whiskey has carbs in it, right? Yeah, my nutritionist said it was okay. Oh, okay. You're a nutritionalist. Yes. When the fuck did you get

one of those? For the whole thing. I don't want to blow the surprise You just said you blew every facet of the surprise Not every facet There's a bunch more to come There's more secrets? I hope so I gotta change my life

That's the thing When his mom was on the show a couple weeks ago She was saying she was very concerned about how large he's been getting Did she say that? I don't remember that. It's getting big. Well we had a side convo because she was like she wanted to see what I was doing later. Disgusting.

Alright Marcus, what else do we got? Alright, it was less than a good morning for Othaporn Boonmackchayuck today after a python slithered out of his squat toilet, bit his penis, and refused to let go. Classic.

Oh, yeah. Athaporn, who just regained consciousness, spoke from his hospital bed Wednesday afternoon to recount the ordeal he experienced in the bathroom of his home east of Bangkok, which he'd entered for his morning routine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bad place to get your cockpit on by a snake.

Bangkok. Yep. Yeah. Which he entered for his morning routine of a shower and protracted bowel movement. Otheporn said he had just squatted over his toilet for his usual 30 minutes of morning business. 30 minutes? This dude's a weirdo. Yeah, 30 minutes.

He just squats over a hole for 30 minutes every morning. Oh, it was just a hole? Yeah, most, like, what is it, the eastern countries, they just have holes. Like in Japan, they don't have that. Squatting is the proper way to take a shit, actually. That's why the squatty potty has now become so popular lately, because we actually should be squatting over our toilet, not sitting on it. Yeah, it's bad for us to sit.

We're supposed to squat. I've heard that, but is that true? It's absolutely true. The shit comes out smoother, more easily. Yet less hemorrhoids, all that sort of shit. Yeah, but then doesn't it go everywhere? What do you mean? I know you're hovering over something.

Not all of us are hovering. If you're not dancing. Oh, I thought that was the only other way to do it. You still sit on the toilet. You just put your feet up on something. Oh, is that it? Like you're giving birth to something. Yeah.

Except in Thailand, they just have a literal hole in the ground. They do it in China, they do it in Japan. Oh my goodness. Anywhere with holes. How do you not fall on your own shit all day? I can't squat, like I just fall right on my own shit. Strong thighs, that's why they're thinner than us. You practice.

Yeah, think about that. If you had to squat every time you had to take a shit and keep yourself balanced, you'd be a little thinner. What about when you're drunk? I mean, you got to hold on to the wall or something. Yeah, that'd be the business. Or you could just get covered in shit. Yeah. I'd want like a trapeze bar that I could hang down on.

Right. That'd be great. That'd be fun. Like a person trying to get up from my 600-pound life when they try to get out of the bed. Yeah. Yeah, I'd like like a... Go for my toilet. Oh, I get it, Eddie.

No, I think this diet's going to totally work out. You're motivated to lose weight. Yeah, I'd like like a sex swing, you know, over like a tub where you shit, you know, because you can just kind of glide. And we've got a gravity takeover. A really big bedpan. Yeah, like a tub before you're shitting. Yes, exactly. Or got a gravity takeover. A really big bedpan. Yeah, like a tub for your shitting. Yes, exactly.

Or just a man who holds me, like in place, like a slaughter. And he'd be just like, I'm so rich that he would go, take your morning shit, Gregory. I'll shit. And he would say, oh, welcome back, or whatever he'd say. And he'd put his hand in the air, and I don't know where I'm going with this. See, my guy wouldn't be saying anything. He'd be playing a flute.

Yeah. You know? And holding him in his knees like he's gonna play the flute and watch you. That's the thing. Multitasker. Yeah. I don't want to do it lying down and have a large woman just roll over me. It's kind of like a tub of toothpaste.

That's relaxation, man. That's very doo-doo heavy show. It is a doo-doo heavy show. Poopy talk. I love poopy talk. Me too. I could talk about poopy all day. We got a lot of poopy.

We got a lot of pee-pee. Yeah, we got a lot of peep, but you got a lot of penis. That's fine. Because here's what happened next. This guy, he was squatting over his toilet for his usual 30 minutes of morning business when a python rose from the depths of the hole to fasten its jaws around the end of his penis. And as his wife, Sawatree Shuyang, would tell the newspaper,

that's when she heard him scream for help and call for a rope. Entering the bathroom, Sawatree found her bleeding husband fighting with the nearly four meter long python and gave him the rope as requested. And just before he passed out from loss of blood, Ataporn

grasped the serpent by its head and managed to use the rope to tie it to the bathroom door. Oh. Like a tooth being pulled in the 50s. No. This guy would get a python off his dong. No, he actually he was able to bring the

python, like he was able to, what is it, force the jaws open. Because if he would have just ripped. No, he actually, he was able to bring the python, like he was able to, what is it, force the jaws open. Oh. Because if he would have just ripped it off, he had the wherewithal. Because, of course,

you know, your first instinct, you got a fucking snake on your junk, you're just going to be like, ah, get it off there. But the teeth are still in there, so it's just going to fucking rip out.

But he had the wherewithal to go like, rink, let's pull it open. And then he took the rope and tied the snake around it. What did it sound like when he opened the wherewithal to go like, rink, let's pull it open. And then he took the rope and tied the snake around it. What did it sound like when he opened the... Rink. Did he come?

I mean, I would have came. You would have came? I'd at least been like, I got out of here! And then I came in the snake's mouth and then tie him off. Kind of a fleshlight type thing, I suppose. It's got a good tongue. Well, a 38-year-old man was taken to a nearby hospital while rescue workers were left to deal with a rampaging reptile whose body was still mostly stuck in the squat toilet.

That's how big he was. He had half himself in the squat toilet and the other half tied around the door. Workers removed the toilet from the house, at which point they took a hammer to it to free the body of the beast. And then they let it live. I think they did. Wow. They killed the gorilla, let the body of the beast. And then they let it live. I think they did.

Wow. Kill the gorilla. Let the snake dick thing live. They said it will be released back to nature. Really? They are maybe better people than us. Maybe. Here's a picture of our guy.

Hey. Oh, he's doing great. There's a picture of him lying in a hospital bed, giving the peace sign. Smile. All smile. Everyone in the picture. They are. Is there a snake below?

Yeah. That's a snake. Holy hell, it's huge. This is the blood. That's the blood from his cock. That's dick blood, man. No, come on, man. I don't want to live in a place where this could happen.

Thailand. Don't move to Thailand. I guess not. His girlfriend is from Thailand. I'm pointing to her. She's not here. She's from Thailand. She wants to go. I'm not going now time point where she's not here. She's from Thailand She wants to go I'm going now. Well, you gotta go just be aware

Yeah, be aware. What do what preparation do you do for a snake coming after your fucking don't cut toilet before you sit down Screaming and that's the rule in Thailand to scream into the toilet before you sit down scare Show the man show the beast yeah beast is yeah We're treated with some respect and put a rat down there first so it can feed. Put a rat in the toilet before you sit. Never get bit. That was the only thing. I remember that.

That's the Thai expression. Gotta feed the beast. Unless your general's gonna get attacked by the rat, then that's a whole other... That's a whole other issue. Then you gotta throw a mouse in there. Feed the rat. It really just becomes a zoo at some point.

Yeah, basically just got to put animals in your toilet. Yeah. It's a tough day for a plumber. And it's hard for you to explain what happened. But there was a snake in there. You ever have someone, when you were a kid, be like, what's the capital of Thailand? Like Bangkok, and they punch you in the nuts. Yeah, classic joke.

Hate that joke. Yeah, but it does make you remember the capital of Thailand. Yeah. So it's kind of like a hard education. Yeah. You know? Yeah. But the thing is, when you get it right, you get punched.

Yes, that is true. But it's nice to know that you got something right. I was great at geography. Were you? Mm-hmm. Where is Australia? It's on the bottom. Bottom right.

Bottom right. Look at that. right bottom right definitely remember that definitely remember that very good you passed the test um all right marcus what's going on uh that's pretty much it let's move on to another one okay a nottingham man will serve at least a month in prison for a bizarre du incident last year where he gave alcohol to amish juveniles yelled room springer That's fun. That's pretty much it. That's it? Yeah, pretty much. The August 30th incident started in the early morning at a Turkey Hill store on Route 272,

where a group of Amish boys were with a horse-drawn buggy. A man, later identified as Chandler Feltz, pulled into the parking lot and began talking to the group, which included juveniles, about Rumspringa. Chandler Feltz showed the group his pistol and provided

them cans of Jungling Lager beer. He then drove away in a red Dodge car, and the Amish group left in the buggy. Later on, Chandler Feltz passed the buggy and screamed, Rumspringa! He then stopped the vehicle abruptly,

causing the buggy to strike the back of the Dodge. Oh, so the horse hit the Dodge. The horse hit the Dodge, yeah. That's so sad for the horse. Did it die? No, no did it die no no no one was seriously hurt no yeah chandler felts then asked the amish group where his pistol was they said they didn't know if you're amish and you're driving your buggy drunk can you just tell the cop the horse is sober you know because it's like who's in control i guess you're kind of in control

kind of but it's mostly the horse, right? You can get drunk riding a horse. You can get a DUI riding a horse. You can? Yeah, we talked about this like two months ago. Oh, okay. What if the horse is drunk and you're sober? That's a good question, Holden. I don't know if there's legal precedent for that.

Right? There you go. What if the horse is drunk? And what if the horse is talking shit? Right? But you're sober. Sober is a beanbag chair. Can you get arrested?

And if you do get arrested, can a man have intercourse with you in the jail cell? I don't know. I think the horse should get arrested. You're asking a lot of questions. Yeah. Well, I need a lot of answers. For a friend. I actually do have an answer for you.

Horses do not get drunk easily, if at all. Their livers process alcohol extremely rapidly because they naturally produce large amounts of alcohol dehydranase. Not the horses I hang out with. Fucking dirtbags. Always trashed playing poker and shit. Because you have horses. Yeah, but horses love beer. Ah.

Yeah, so you can give as much beer as you want to a horse. They don't mind it, huh? They love it. They want beer. But they never get drunk? They don't get drunk. They just love the taste of it. What if you gave them tequila?

They don't get drunk. They don't get drunk. Butt chug? They don't get drunk. You could butt. You'd get drunk if you butt chug. Yeah. You know, horses actually have highly evolved anuses.

Man, how many things you could do with a horse? Yeah, what is it about the anus of the horse? Well, what it is... It has a little brain in it. I can't remember exactly what it is, but there's something about it that it protrudes outward, kind of like, you know, the alien protuberance, like the proboscis. It protrudes outward to make sure that the shit doesn't get

all over the horse. And in fact, some engineers have used a horse anus as a model in various industrial cleaning products. Oh. Yeah. Kind of a squirt there. Yeah. Cool. I could use one of those. You know what?

Why don't the, a little off topic, but I was walking down 6th Avenue the other day, a horse cop passes me, and this horse shat probably 15 to 20 pounds. I know that's the theme of the day. Why don't they have to clean it up? Horse cops? Yeah. I don't know. They're cops.

I think they probably have a shit cleaner or something. There isn't a shit cleaner. It's still there. You might have to call it in. I'll 311 it. Yeah. All right. Moving on.

Oh, man. All right. So this guy got the Amish kids drunk. Oh, yeah. Can the Amish drink or are they against it? During Rumspringa, they can. And that's one month where they're allowed to question their religion? It's a year.

Yeah, it's a year because that's what they where they're allowed to question their religion? It's a year. Yeah, it's a year. Because that's what they do is that they can... Rumspring is when they go out into the world of man and they have their fun. Use blenders and shit. Use blenders. Do whatever they want. There was a reality show about a group of them going and living in New York for their rumspring. It was actually pretty good.

I enjoyed it. I forget the name of it. One of the girls went crazy. She was like a nutbag. Oh, yeah. A little crazy. They all went a little nuts. They're all getting hammer crazy. She was like a nutbag. Oh, yeah. A little crazy. They all went a little nuts. They always go back. They always go back. Not always. There's

this great documentary called Devil's Playground where one kid became a hardcore meth head. Yeah. He didn't go back. He should go back. He should go back. He should. He was not good in the world of men. Yeah. The Devil's Playground. Is that where we are? Yeah, that's where we are. We're the Devil's Playground. We're in the Devil's Playground right now. I'm drinking a Dr. Yeah. The devil's playground. Is that what we are? Yeah, that's what we are.

We're the devil's hide. We're in the devil's playground right now. I'm drinking a Dr. Pepper. We got cupcakes on the table. You're actually the most unhealthy person here. Me? Yeah. Probably.

Yep. Yeah, once Ed starts his cleanse right now, though Ed technically is the most unhealthy person. I'm most unhealthy right now. What have you been eating lately, man? Ugh, big. What? This week?

I've been eating bad on purpose this week. Exactly. So what are we talking about? What are we having? I went to McDonald's. Ooh, okay. I've been eating sweets every day. What's this experiment?

You just made this up. I'll talk more about it on my own show. I'm just saying, the experiment just seems like you having Just given yourself an excuse to eat a bunch of McDonald's Yes But next week I do no carbs It's going to be brutal man It's going to be brutal I'm very scared

Jesus What happened? Hey Kevin You ever been on this website The Chronicle of the Horse? No He's the administrator Well yeah I was doing some googling on horse anus

Because I wanted to verify my previous claims. And I just typed in horse anus. And what came up was recessed anus. Causes? It says, I pulled a tick off of a mare of mine today and noticed her anus was way recessed into her body. Her vagina is still sitting in the normal location, but I can get my fist in between her butt cheeks Because the anus is sunk so far down I don't understand

How does this person have the internet? Number one I just don't get it For that to be your first move Let me just put my fist Let's see how far my fist can go into the ass You could use a stick first or something Yeah Just leave it alone She said she got off the phone with the vet my fist can go into the ass. He's a stick first or something.

Yeah. Just leave it alone. She said she got off the phone with the vet. She said, I just got off the phone with my vet as I was typing this and he has no idea

what could it be and he'll be out to check on her in a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks? A couple of weeks. She's just a pervert. Yeah.

Recessed anus. You know that or a bracelet tester. Yeah. She said, good God, the amount of bracelets lost in this poor horse. And they say the only thing that could be

weight loss. Yeah, she's a larger lady, huh? Someone said weight loss, maybe because you hadn't looked back there in a while, and when you did, it was to pull a tick, causing the booty clenching. Smiley face. What a disgusting... There are a certain type of people. It's interesting, like, you think about it What disgusting This is just

There are a certain type of people Yeah It's interesting Like you think about it Farm people on the internet It's something you never really It's kind of funny It never crossed my mind

Yeah If you have a horse You have to know How the anus is doing Like I wouldn't know On a regular Oh yeah yeah You totally gotta pay attention

To how an asshole's doing On an animal They can get all fucked up Are you being serious Yeah Cause I have dogs And I never checked out their assholes. Farm animals, yeah. What about dogs?

You don't look at the dog like that. I don't. I don't find him sexual. If a dog's screaming, then you gotta look. Otherwise. Especially if it's going, my ass, my big ass. Then you gotta look. The woman said, no booty clenching.

Tick was on her butt cheek, and it was when I was rubbing her tailbone and she lifted her tail that I noticed it. I'm talking since the last time I looked back there. It recessed into her body about two inches. It's not puckered in. It looks normal. It just sits that way in her body now. It's just... I just don't ask people what they did today.

I just don't care. I can't deal with that. Someone said something about Obamacare. Wow. How long did it take to get there? I'm actually fascinated. How did they get to Obamacare? Actually, all I see is just the economy, Obamacare, winky face.

Actually, it's apropos of nothing. Nobody said anything about Obamacare, winky face. Actually, it's apropos and nothing. Nobody said anything about Obamacare. It's like there's the original, and then there's the only time I've noticed a difference in a horse's end, rear end, as you described, is when they've lost weight. And the next one just says, the economy, Obamacare. And then the next one says, oh, Rick, lol. Wow wow it is like having a dumb dinner with idiots that is fun i can't even wow what was your last dumb dinner with idiots

oh we had the barbecue over there at your place that was fun yeah that was so fun that was a great time that was a great time i don't know i haven't been around people you realize everyone that we tend to know has a college degree and things like that only like roughly like 13 14 of the population has it a college degree specifically i mean i when was the last time you actually hung out with a group of people that you're like oh wow this is what this reality is like they just live in a totally different world than we live in. It's very rare to actually break out. I mean, I see sometimes with these real hard core conservatives at Fox News,

I'm just like, someone would be like, I was hungover one time. My brother's bachelor party. I'll never do it again. I'm like, what is wrong with you? Jesus. But other than that, it's tough to find people who are actually totally different than you. Now, back home, it's pretty much that. Yeah, it's like gum over here.

I miss it. When was the last time you hung out with people and you were just like, oh, I can't believe I didn't think you were real? My whole life has just been, I'm in art school and I'm in New York and just college. Everybody's kind of the same shit. Yep. Yeah. All right.

Well, let's try to get out there. Yeah, we should. We should try to meet some new people this week That's the goal for this week, Eddie, you're no carbs Holden, meeting four people this week Talk to an old man on the train

Scream at one You're old It's what we do, man We make a show out of this We all meet at fucking Broadway Junction Or some shit that's got a lot of trains Get trashed And just take the trains in opposite directions

Pass out, wake up Wherever the fuck we wake up And then we just make friends I think that's how I met all you guys, isn't it? Yeah, pretty much I remember the first time I hung out with Ben I was working at the pit as an

intern, and he showed up hammered right when my shift was in. He's like, come on, we're going to go drink at the train station. Did I say that? What train station did we drink? The big beers. Oh, yes, I did say that. Rudy's. Big beers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you knew all the homeless

people, but none of them knew you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, a hell of a bar. Cockroaches on the wall. Never eat the pizza. But they had a- Three hot dogs, too.

Oh, you're talking about, that's Rudy's. I'm talking to Ruby's. Rudy's is on 8th Avenue or 9th Avenue and 46. Ruby's is the one inside Penn Station. Yeah. Yeah. Ruby's is the one inside Penn Station. Yeah. We went to the one in Penn Station. They got oysters there? No. They got bathroom oysters.

Oh my God. You give them to people. Yeah, they hand you one of those. They hand you a diaper at the door. I mean, everyone is in there. I've never been in a more disgusting bathroom in my entire life than that place in Penn Station. The homeless people, I mean, what they're consuming. They saw a been in a more disgusting bathroom in my entire life than that place in Penn Station. The homeless people, I mean, what they're consuming. They saw a screw in there.

Oh, and they had sex, yeah. And there was, yeah, two people. Were the homeless guys blowing each other? Well, I think they were doing more than that. Wow. There was homeless women there as well. Yep, yep. So everyone was just kind of hanging out.

What were the prices like? $2.75 for a 34-ounce Bud Light. 40-ounce Bud Light! That's why I brought Eddie there. Yeah, we got hammered. That was a hell of a night. But that was a good experience. We were surrounded by people we otherwise would not have been surrounded by.

That's exactly what you're talking about. It sounds like we all need to pay a visit to this place this week. They changed it. It's now $4 for a 40 ounce and they're like, homeless people, don't come. They sold out. Yeah. I had a weird experience at Penn Station

a few months ago. What happened? Guy offered me a blowjob at 6 in the morning. It wasn't that weird. He was getting aggressive with it. You want the blowjob? We blow it because I like to suck cock. For free?

Yeah, it was for free. I mean, that's a nice thing to do to somebody. Get a real big, get a big scar on his face. Nice. Did he say his name? No, he did not introduce himself. He did not want things to be personal. Right.

That was the whole point. He didn't want to get to know. Because it was 6 a.m. I was standing in front of Penn Station by the Ralph Mooney The statue. Yeah, the statue. Ralph what's his name? Cramden. Cramden, yeah, yeah. The Ralph Cramden. Honeymooners. Norton.

Yeah, Norton. I was standing there waiting for Ben and he thought that I was some fresh-faced youngster off of the bus and he decided to pick me up. Hot stuff, Marcus. Didn't do it. What kind of sad life is this though? You can't be in a world where you want to give someone a blowjob and you can't just say

let me give you a blowjob and now we're talking about it on a podcast? How great would the world be? Hey, I want to give you a blowjob. What do you say? What do you say? Get on over here. I think that's how that lemon party site started. Why not? Yeah.

It would be a better world, man. That's exactly the type of shit that's going to make America great again. That's prison. We all need Wolf Trap. I don't know. Well, you could say no. Yeah. But I say, hey, you know what?

You're a good guy. You did a good deed by me. Let me do a good deed. Let me get a hand going in your pants. Let's dish that out a little bit. Let me suck a good deed. Let me get a hand going in your pants. Let's dish that out a little bit. Let me suck a little on you. Skin is skin, baby. Alright. Actually, you know, now that I think about it, when I did tell him no,

he did, like, move down the block a little bit. Fair. Yeah. I think he was just kind of throwing stuff against the wall to see what stuck. You may have met the best human in the world. You may have. He's just been the best guy ever. Hey, you like a blowjob? I don't know much about you,

but I know I like blowjobs. Let me get you going. Yeah? Why not? He wasn't asking for one on him. No, no, no. He was offering. He was definitely offering.

He was like, I like to get my cock sucked. I like to suck cock. Was he Yakov Smirnoff? Or was that just the accent that you do? Yeah, in my country, I blow you. You know when you get out of jail, that's where they drop you off, at Port Authority. Is that right? Yeah, the bus station.

They just drop you off there with no money in your pockets. He was a cab driver just getting off a shift. Oh, okay. It's stressful being a cab driver, man. It's awful. By the way, I'm totally impressed. Mamou Diallo, I believe, is the man who murdered the person who was trying to rape his wife. He murdered him.

Did you see that story? I did. I'm very pro him. Yeah. You've got to be able to kill somebody who's trying to break into your house and have sex with your wife. He's in trouble, though. Well, they better not charge him. Yeah, manslaughter is right.

They charged him. They did charge him? Did they just arrest him? They arrested him, and the judge let him go without bail. They better not charge him. Yeah, manslaughter is right. They charged him. They did charge him? Did they just arrest him? They arrested him and the judge let him go without bail. They better not charge him. No jury would convict. You get to kill someone who's attacking your wife. That's a rule. I feel like that's fair. Totally fair.

The charges have been reduced. It should be nothing. He should be given an award. He should be a hero. Get rid of the racist honeymooner statue and put this dude there. The Bravehearts Award. Reduced to a handshake. It's reduced to simple assault and criminal possession of a weapon.

So he'll probably get probation and that'll be it. Oh, my goodness. Leave him alone. They got to do something. No, you don't have to do anything. You can't just be killing all the rapists. Yes, you can. That's the whole thing.

Oh, man, this is America. We got to appreciate differences. I'm a dude who has a wife and a loving family. You're a rapist. That's just America. Yeah. Good Lord. Yeah, he was greeted by a crowd of well-wishers when he left jail.

Good, yeah. I agree with that. He's a hero. Can't kill him. Can't get him that. Good. He's a hero. Can't kill him. Can't get him a job either. He's a taxi driver. Is this guy a taxi driver? Yes.

I mean, all he does is work his ass off, and then his wife is attacked. That's why he killed the guy with a tire iron. Yeah. That's part of it. It's a trade. It's a tool of his trade. Was he walking up to his apartment with his tire iron in his hand still? No, his wife was screaming out the window, I'm getting attacked.

He runs up and catches the guy doing it and beats the hell out of him. The guy happens to die. Yeah, well, the guy was fleeing the scene and the guy chased after him and then beat him to death outside of the elevator. Great. That's where you got to kill somebody because then you're just hop right in the elevator. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Set the body up. Yeah, you scream something real fun like you snooze, you lose, and then you throw them in the elevator.

Going down. Going down. All right, it's time for a segment from Old McNeely. Whoa! Theme parks. Everybody goes to them. Nobody likes them. Today we're going to be coming up with a new theme park ride.

As we all know, Marcus Parks is a multi-billionaire and he owns a theme park. He wants to put a new theme park ride in there. He wants to get more people to his park. I will go first. It can be, by the way, I should specify, theme park ride or attraction. It could be like Beetlejuice's Rock and Review. Yes, it could be something like that. That was fun. Yeah, that was pretty fun.

Mine, it is a ride for me. It's a roller coaster. It's called Bangkok Toilet. And the carts are, it's like a snake that you get on. It goes through the piping and stuff, launches out of the big fake toilet, the fake, big, fake toilet, and then the front of the thing latches onto a penis, and then you get shot into the penis hole, and then it becomes like a body parts, you know, like they do in Epcot.

A body wars. A body, yes. It becomes like that, and we learn about the human body with a man screaming in pain in the background, and just what it would do to the body. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no taxi for it's based off of the dreamcast video games of the same name and also the story we just heard so what you're doing is you're in this taxi it's a crazy going down this hill fast and up this hill while this is happening though people are sprinting up to your car now you don't know what these people are gonna be doing some of them might be trying to kill you some of them might be

trying to rape your wife you're there there with your wife. It's for couples only. You are armed simply with a crowbar. Now, if you kill the wrong guy, there's no, you know, deduction of points really. But the thing is, some of those people aren't trying to kill you or rape your wife. They're just trying to feed you some delicious, delicious jerk chicken. And that is devastating if you kill the guy that's giving you jerk chicken because that's an experience. That is. Yep, I guess I'll do mine.

It's called sit and crap. You got to sit there and then it spins you around until you crap. Are you drinking the whole time? You have to constantly drink. And can you get off the ride before you crap? You have to crap. So, I mean, some people love it. Some people have a bad experience because it only lasts like five seconds. Yeah, but some people could be on there for up to like 30 minutes as long as it takes

sitting crap Greg Very good You might gotta stay on board with this this This is the thing I've thought about for a long time Which is that the theme parks aren't hitting all of your all of your senses? You know what I would like is like a bicycle type of thing is that the theme parks aren't hitting all of your senses. What I would like is a bicycle-type thing that you're riding,

so you're getting in shape. Also, that's tied to something that is jerking your penis, you know, sexual, because I want to cum. But also, you eat a big meal before so that you could shit, cum, and roast beef in the mouth

all while you're simulating the movie Flight of the Navigator. Have you seen this movie? It's my favorite movie. It's in a place in South Florida. I love that movie. It's a good movie. So you're simulating the movie Fly the Navigator. Have you seen this movie? It's my favorite movie. It's in South Florida. I love that movie. You're coming, you're shitting, you're smelling, we'll throw some odd scents into your nose.

I get around playing over and over again. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Complete evacuation of all systems. Just come out refreshed, cleaned up. And then you go on the log flim after that and get washed up. Washed off.

Absolutely. Actually, I mean, we're not putting that in the park. That's going to be a new business. I mean, we're putting these. We're going to franchise them. We're going to make a million dollars, sir. Call me in. One million dollars?

Each. Each. Yeah, a million dollars each. Got to make sure the string isn't too tight though I've thought about that if you cut your penis it hurts it's a problem Ed Larson some call you the biggest man in this room

some call you a funny person some say you are a person on the round table of gentlemen what is your idea alright so you know like every theme park's gotta have like their, you know like Disney has the Disney characters

and Six Flags has like Bugs Bunny and all that stuff. So I figure we'll get like gummy bears. I would get the gummy bears and they would be... They're Disney characters. Gummy bears bouncing here and there. They are? Yeah. They're Disney characters? Yeah. Fuck. That's alright. It'll be an offshoot of Disney then. Okay. That's alright. It'll be an offshoot of Disney then. Okay.

That's easy. You gotta educate people. It's kind of like their more religious park and so I wanted... They're gonna do the Stations of the Cross. Wait, are the gummy bears religious? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are they Christian? Yeah, it's gonna be the funky, funky Stations of the Cross starring

the gummy bears. And they're going to get fucking hammering on gummy juice and bounce all around and, you know, nail one of them to the cross. It's a show. Sometimes you've got to get in the AC for a little bit and take it a show. Yeah, just take it a little show. Not a ride, though. I do have to say it's not a ride. No, but we said attraction or ride.

Yeah, we said attraction or ride. I definitely specified that. Yeah, so, you know, I have to say it's not a ride. But we said attraction or ride. Yeah, we said attraction or ride. I definitely specified that. Yeah, so I like to sit down and get some entertainment. Totally. I'm going with the gummy bears. All right. There you go. I knew it was going to happen.

There it is. What's up, Eddie? I was going to say, all the music's done by James Brown. Ooh, good. He's dead. Well, he did it years ago. They recorded him, Greg. I want new stuff.

Yeah, James Brown's untitled gummy bear project. If you're doing the gummy bears, you got to get new stuff. You got to get new hot stuff, man. Can't be doing old shit. Yeah, we need some NSYNC, some Backstreet Boys. There are just tens of people listening right now, Greg. Anything you want to plug? Anything.

Anything at all. My poetry, really. Okay. Yeah. You know, check out my poetry. You want to see one? Yeah. We got to talk.

I got to get it on the phone. I'll read it to you. Yeah. But only if you're serious. Please. Do you have it on your phone? I got so much poetry, man. I got...

All right. How long have you been writing poetry? Last night. Yeah. So you got to give me a second. Let's all go ahead and plug Twitch, Holdenator's Ho on Twitch. Absolutely. Wait, so did you write Ethics and Enjoyment in Late Medieval Poetry, Love After Aristotle?

Yeah, of course, man. Yeah, because there's a guy named Greg Stone that wrote that book. Amazing. Yeah, me. That's what I did before I came here. Yeah, you wrote that. Assembling the Lyric Self, Authorship from Troubadour Song

to Italian Poetry Book. Whoa. That's exciting. Very nice. You've got quite the resume here. Are you ready? Yeah. All right.

This is when I wrote this. It's very specific. It's your mother and... I never said this out loud to anyone. That is great. Kill your mother and call the police. Blame it on the weather beast. The hairy rain monster, the red eyes of tornado

won't foster your love or your bullshit lies. Weather beast, weather beast, hear my call. Murder dreams, my senses and balls. Who are you? What have you become? It gets a little weird. You control the weather, but you'll never have my heart.

That belongs to the old Irishman of Tide City. I thought you were going to say fart there. Fart was the obvious word. That's why you're not me. You go the obvious, I go the next level. The Irishman of Tide City. He made me a wooden pepper to play with at school. He gave me the eyes and temptations of a fool.

He knew the ways. We're almost done. I'm sorry. He knew the ways to work a woman. He knew the ways to work a woman. He knew the ways to work a man. He made me a bagel. He fed me a ham.

It gets weird. He asked for my heart, but I delayed. And another of the tidesmen down with he laid. Here's to the people he sang of their praise. He hit the ball over the fence, the fence of my days. Wow. Old Irishman, old Irishman, return from the sea. Old Irishman, old Irishman, return to me.

I'm cock crazy, and I want to marry you. A little bit of a cliffhanger. A little bit of a cliffhanger. Bagels for everyone is what I mean. Brilliant. That's beautiful. Let's check out Greg's poetry. Yes.

I don't know how. You can check it out. You've got to go on my phone. Yeah, message him on Twitter. Oh, my God. Yeah, find our Facebook page there, the Roundtable of Gentlemen. I'm on Twitter, FNK, yeah. Find our Facebook page there, The Roundtable of Gentlemen. I'm on Twitter,

at Ben Kissel. On Instagram, I got my password. I'm Ben Kissel1. Nice. And Murder Fist, next Saturday, at the Old Pit.

Come check us out. 10 years at the Pit. Oh. Woo. Yeah, gonna be fun. And that's it, right? Yeah. Anything else, Kevin?

Add any tunes. Same, Fatboy Barnett, that shit. Instagram, Twitter. Very good. Yeah, go check out my music show, Lucky Bone I don't know. Same fat boy, Barnett, that shit. All right. Twitter. Very good. Yeah. Go check out my music show.

Lucky bone show. Mixcloud.com slash Marcus parks. That's not really selling it. Yeah. Jay. I'm a new music show. Mixcloud.com. No one's going to listen.

No one's going to listen. Good, good. Yeah. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cave comedyedyradio.com.