The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 291: A Man, An Axe, and A Dream

Episode Date: June 14, 2016

The gang is joined by TJ Del Rino and Malachi Nimmons to discuss the star crossed love between a kangaroo and a pig, a court decision that ruled in favor of crotch grabbing being free speech, and decide who has the best music festival idea.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Ladies and gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

We are live. Yeah, we're good to go? See, now there's more secrets. I think you're praying, Henry. Me? Yeah. Remember, I got my eye on you, mister. What do you mean?

He's got his eye on you, mister. I got my eye on you, mister. What have I ever done? Oh, nothing. Just, I got my eye on you, mister. You got your hands on some button like. I got my eye on you, mister. What have I ever done? Oh, nothing. Just, I got my eye on you, mister. You got your hands on some button like I'm about to say something inflammatory. But I'm not.

It's a free space. It's a free space. It's a free speech zone. No, it's not. Right? Everywhere I go, I travel with a five foot wide orb of free speech zone. Everything is a prize head ring. I'm in that zone right now.

No, you're not in the zone. TJ's not in the zone. TJ, out of the zone. I'm in the zone. I touch his penis. I'm in the zone. I touch his penis. All the zone. TJ's not in the zone. TJ, out of the zone. I touch his penis. All right, TJ is now out of the zone. Free speech. Just remember, we're kind of going in a new direction with the roundtable. Less devil talk, more kind of loving on God. Less devil talk?

Yeah, we love God here. Dear Satan, I'm sorry for this group of people. They don't understand the gifts you bring, like the Dorito Chilled Taco from Taco Bell. You don't understand the Code Red Mountain Dew. And also, the Double Bass. So thank you,

Satan, for the gifts you have brought all of us. Hail Satan to everyone. Seven Bean Burrito. Seven layers of hell. Think about it. That was a simple, nice prayer. That was a simple nice prayer. I can handle it. I can handle the spotlight. Well, you do seem like

you're melting down right now. I'm just saying I don't talk about the nefarious machinations of the various people that run this entertainment industry. Alright, welcome to the show. It doesn't matter, Ed, because at some point we'd like to work in the entertainment industry. Great people. Great people. We're going to get those molesters

out of there. There is a lot of that. They've got their fingers so deep into the industry like it's a child. Like it's Elijah Wood. Yeah, could be. So this is the round table of gentlemen. Jackie can't make it. She's doing something special.

Maybe a voiceover or something. I don't know what she's doing.'t make it. She's doing something special, maybe a voiceover or something. I don't know what she's doing. She's working. She's working. She's making a paycheck. Yeah, she's making that butter. Butter creams. If you ever go down to the Blue Stove on Graham in Brooklyn,

you will see Jackie covered in butter cream. Yeah, don't go down. Mad as hell. Yeah, don't bother her at work. Hates to see you there. Yeah, doesn't want that job anymore, and nor should she have it, and she'll get rid of that job soon because I made a vigil, a sigil for her. What?

What's that mean? Yeah, I wrote that. I make them for friends now. What do you mean? What is this? What is a sigil? You just write what you, you write your friend's name, and then you write what you want them to have, career success in Jackie's case, and you burn it, and then you drink a bunch

of tequila, and you sit there alone. Somebody's doing magic. Uh-huh. Yeah, that's right. Your heart's in the right place. I did it last night. Be careful. I did it for a previous girl of mine.

She got a job. I did it for Jackie last night. Hell yeah. I was thinking about Jackie. Wow. Your heart grew three sizes this day. That's right. But you didn't cum on it.

No, I had a full bottle of tequila. I couldn't get hard at all. You drank the whole bottle of tequila? For the ceremony. Is that part of it? Oh, yeah. Well, it seems as if, Ben, you're taking some elements from Voodon. I was thinking about that.

Yeah, yeah. I love that Japanese film. That's where a bunch of voodoo guys stack together and create one giant Voodon. And they defend the art. All right. I'm Henry Zebrowski. Yes. I'm Ed Larson.

Hello. How are you? Oink, oink. I'm Ed Larson. Hello, how are you? Oink, oink. I lost some weight. Did you? I lost 14 pounds since last week. What? Yeah. That is so unhealthy.

That's unhealthy as fuck, man. But that's how much, because he's on a no-carb diet, that's how much beer he was drinking before. 14 pounds of it. 14 pounds in seven days? I can tell because you're gonna die man you've been fat for so long that your body is like once the fat goes

it's like I'm gone the bones are trying to escape I feel like your spine will be too weak to hold up your meat oh man my spine's the only thing I got that's strong I feel like did you kill a gypsy's daughter and he put a thinner curse on you? Dude, I ate no carbs.

Do you know what has carbs? What? Carrots. No. I wasn't even allowed carrots. I never saw a fat rabbit. I literally, I ate nothing but meat and just some vegetables. You were kind of happy.

I saw you eating a fucking... We went to the barbecue place. You had a fucking pint glass filled with whiskey and seltzer, and you were eating a whole stack of ribs. And I lost weight. Just because you were so fat before. All right. Malachi Nimmons is with us.

Thanks for being here, Malachi. Thanks for having me, man. I've gained 80 pounds since the last time I did this podcast. Did you really? I don't know, 60, 40. It's a multiple of 20 and i feel i feel great you look great i feel amazing man i feel wonderful like it's uh it's excellent and also like he ed won't he won't die by losing um 14 pounds in a week because fat people like we

can lose like huge amounts of weight and it doesn't matter. My weight fluctuates by 40 pounds at any given time. But the amount of red meat you seem to be consuming is slowly suffocating your heart and you're going to die of disease. Well, tomorrow I got no meat anymore. And then what are you going to eat? Yeah, what are you eating? Beans and rice. Vegetarian tomorrow. Well, it's a different show.

All right, we'll talk about it. Listen to the brighter side to hear the roller coaster ride that it's Ed's unhealthy diet. I don't think it's healthy. Holdenators, ho! No, fuck you. No, everybody settle in. Get cozy. We have a butt fuck load of PlayStation Network shout outs. We're only punished because of your irresponsibility.

I forgot to do it last week. Now it's triply as large. Okay. Jerichaholic1985 says, Josh the tank is a cum dumpster. SC-Benny underscore 9mm, I think that stands for millimeter, says, tell Jackie,

Benny will destroy all the squirty birds, scree. Willyfresh992, PSN shoutouts are dumb, and... Asshole. Metafucking PlayStation shoutout, assholes. And he respects Ben. Get off the computer. I mean, he didn't call you a Jose Bank fuck wagon, but he said he respects you for it.

I kind of like him now. Scooby Doober 911. This is interesting, Ben. Can you tell me if... Scooby Doober 911? Yeah, Scooby Doober 911. Can you tell me if... Scooby-Doober 9-11? Can you... Yeah, Scooby-Doober 9-11. Can you tell me, Ben, if this is true? Can you tell me...

He says, Tyler Ween is a little bitch boy, and he doesn't believe his story about passing out drunk on Ben Kissel's couch and leaving a condom in his fridge. Did that happen? That might have happened. Did you find a condom in your fridge? Well, after one of the Live Last podcast shows,

we did allow some guests to stay over. It was a massive mistake. We'll never do that again. I had my innkeeper letting Mary sleep in the barn moment. And unfortunately, they did leave a Magnum condom in the fridge as a joke. Opened or closed? Closed, which I respect. Maybe they were going to suck on it in the morning.

That's a gift. That's a gift. It's a condom. What am I supposed to do with it? You put it on your penis, Pip. Oh, is that right? Yes. Psycho Reaper Man says, Ed, please be nicer to your toilet. He can hear it crying in his sleep. That is not funny. L-S-W-I-N-D-I-H-O-O-K.

Yes! Eddie, what are you doing? It's a hot take. Good. Hot take. Very timely. In the wake of... We're not even going there.

Good lord. Oh, I forgot. Every week there's a mass shooting, Eddie. That's why you can't make mass shooting jokes yet. LSWS Junior says, Rowan wants Ben to stop pizza shaming himself and know they'd go to waste without him. Alex Stoops says tits.

Fuck you, Zach. We are famous, I think. And that is this week's extra long No Bones About It PlayStation Network shoutout. Is he spreading them out or something? They just gotta get better at writing the shoutouts.

I mean, I think the shoutouts are pretty good. This was a decent run. Yeah, wrong one. On TJ Del Reno, I do a video game radio show that Marcus used to do called Unlimited Lives. Speaking of games... Wait your turn, TJ.

I didn't know that was your turn. I was doing a segue. It's a circle. Obviously a circle. I don't know how circles work. You know what that was? a segue. It's a circle. Obviously a circle, DJ. I don't know how circles work. You know what that was? White privilege.

I do not. Seems as if you have cut in line. And today. I don't see color. I will fuck anyone over at any time. No, you don't see color. That's why you missed Kevin. You didn't even notice he was there. He's all of the color.

Or is that the color white? I don't even know what that means, man. Anyways, I'm Kevin Barnett. You know, it doesn't matter that I'm here, apparently, according to TJ. That is true.

Yeah. All right. Well, there's no other guest to introduce. In no way is there the host of a video game podcast here. Very successful.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't see color. Oh. But I'm white. It't see color but I'm white it's every color is that right now the colors it's a tie because the absence is every color who made that who said that black was the absence of color and white was all George Washington he was a white person rolled up a joint yeah just like, I don't see anything out in that field. And that's how America was born. Like when they make the crop circles in fast motion, he's just like, yes, the fields are just always getting done. How convenient.

It's like the elves from the shoe story, but it's just all the whipping. Okay. All right. T.J.O. Del Reno is here. Thanks for being here. Thank you, Ben. Okay.

Listen to his podcast, Unlimited Lives. And Marcus, now you are here as well. Now, we've had some sad news, so I think we have some fun news to start to show off. What happened? We're not talking about it. We're not talking about it on this one, baby. Feel good story. We're starting out with a feel good story of love.

And who doesn't love that? A kangaroo and a pig have struck up an intense romantic relationship in the tiny Australian town of Aileron. The animal's owner, Greg Dick, said Taurus... Yeah, yeah. He said Taurus... This is my pig called Pig Dick. Took my last name.

Actually, the pig's named Fuck It. No, no, no, wait. The kangaroo is named Fuck It. The pig is named Apples. It's kind of funny. So when they have sex, he's just like, Fuck it, Apples. Fuck it, the pig is named Apples. It's kind of funny. So when they have sex, he's just like, fucking Apples. Fucking Apples. Yes, he said the tourists are often taken aback at the sight of, fuck it, mounting Apples, the pig, by the side of the road.

But he says he's powerless to intervene in the outback love affair. He said it's quite an unusual thing. I tried to take the pig away the other day, and the kangaroo nearly tore the fence down. I say if you shave the kangaroo, it all is going to look fine. Yeah, absolutely. I think this is just really wonderful. And you know what? There's no greater birth control than biologically not being able to mate with one another.

Yeah. I mean, nothing can happen that's dangerous here. It's like if I fuck a couch all day. Yeah, you're fine. Not another couch will show up in the morning. And if it does, you've got two couches. You won't get arrested for fucking a couch, but you'll get arrested for fucking a pig. Unless you're a kangaroo, in which

case, what, a kangaroo court? What do you do? If you fuck a pig, can you just kill it and eat it and it's fine? You can actually kill anything you have sex with. You've got your cum in it. You can. Doesn't cum get baked away? Yeah, it's basted. It bakes in. It might enhance

the meat. We don't know what the, you know, we need scientists to test this and find out the effects of cum on meat. If only Jeffrey Dahmer was alive, we could ask him. Yeah. Murdered in prison. Unbelievable. They let it happen. That's the shame of this whole fucking century. They let it happen.

They let it happen. It's the last century. Well, I wonder if there is some sort of cuisine. That's a good point, Ed. It's a real fucking good point. It's the last century. Well, I wonder if there is some sort of cuisine. That's a good point, Ed. It's a real fucking good point. Fucking history professor, Dr. Larson. Thank you, doctor. Ed is always on top of the shit that happened last century, but don't know the shit that happened today.

That pork chop diet isn't doing much for the brain. The kangaroo can't love. Yes, it can. No, it can't love. Why not? Well, Mr. Dick introduced apples a year ago and said it was, quote unquote, love at first sight. I just think kangaroos saw an opportunity to fuck. Because his name was Fuck It.

Yeah. He was just like, my name's Fuck It. What do I do? I fuck it. As soon as it comes in there. Any animal that went in there. Kangaroos are amazing. They keep those little critters inside of their tummies.

They're houses to themselves. Actually, Henry, you make a good point. Mr. Dick said it happened on the first day, but despite being a gentle lover, he said, fuck it, was sometimes unfaithful. Mr. Dick said he'll try to get on to anything. So it's not love. Actually, it says get on to in like quotes, so I think he said he'll try to fuck anything. Yes. To a reporter. He said it's a wonder he said he'll try to fuck anything. Yes.

Yeah. It's a wonder he hadn't had a go at the geese. I mean, you know, he's just a real NFL player. This is actually the story of like the Fritzl guy from Austria, but it's with animals. It's like animal farms. Fritzl's pretzels. Man, if I saw that kangaroo jump in the air and catch a flying goose and start fucking him in the air, that would be the greatest thing I could ever see in my entire life.

That would be remarkable. I think it's weird that that village where the elves come from that that happened. Elrond, right? Australia? It's a beautiful place. Aileron. Same thing. I mean, the question is...

By the way, Elrond was the name of the king of the elves. It was actually called, what was it called? Nibel... Nibel... Nibelheim. Niflheim. Niflheim. The magic, the glow sword of Gringan.

It's all fake. You can make up anything you want. You can just call it something. What happened to our show? It got hijacked because Marcus made a crucial mistake. He asked Holden for an answer. I mean, it's never once been given. Lentilkring.

Let's get back to this. Brown. So, kangaroo, that sucks all over. Will forever be known as the fellowship of the shoes? J.R.R., you've been drinking rumbling alcohol. We need to take the quill away from you. I love slapping my kids. And I love writing about fucking

bridge trolls. I'll make them tiny because I know if I saw a dwarf, I could pick them up and I could put them in the front of my pants. Like a kangaroo. Like a kangaroo carries its beautiful, I believe, kid is what they're called. Joey. Joey. Goats are kids.

Oh, okay. You idiot. I'm sorry. Learn your animals. It's just Joey's a strange name for all the children of kangaroos. Yeah. Well, they're not creative with names. I guess not.

Australia's very creative with names. Billabong. Wazzledozles. Yeah. Aborigines. Yeah. Yeah. A raccoon baby is called a Steven wow so

do you think the pig knew that it's kangaroo friend was out there fucking all the other animals well I don't think so take a look at the picture of the kangaroo hugging on the pig call that gri Yeah, he's a bit over the top. Well, here's a picture of the kangaroo fucking the pig. Too rude. Too rude. That's what the censorship says. They don't actually show the penetration.

They actually have to put a little censorship. I love that they made the kangaroo fuck the pig for the reporter. No, I think it was just going to do it. Do you think you did the kangaroo to fuck it? I think it happens often enough where they didn't have to make him. It's just like, well, if you hang out for 20 minutes, it's going to happen.

Do you want to see him fuck? It is a big pig. And it's just standing there. It could fight if it didn't like it. But then we're getting to a gray area. It's very progressive. Very progressive kangaroos going there. I feel like it's Yeah. But then we're getting to a gray area. Mm-hmm. It's very progressive. Very progressive kangaroos going there. I feel like it's tough, though, man.

Pigs and kangaroos, they got different fighting styles, you know? A pig, I feel like, is more of a grappler. Kangaroos, they box and kick and all that shit. Or a headbutter, like a boar. Or a kicker, too. Yeah. Pigs don't got a lot of options in that situation. A pig has got to get you down to the ground, and then they eat you like a buffet.

They will just kill you. A kangaroo, if he gets himself boxing gloves, he'll take that pig out. But if you get behind a pig, it'll just let you fuck it. Man, you know what? We should almost start fuck dog fighting. Kangaroo versus pig fighting sounds great. He's just gonna keep fucking you. It's like when the UFC started. It's like M. Bison versus E. Honda.

Right? Those are the two basic fighting styles we have going on. You're just gonna turn into a Tijuana donkey show where all these animals are fucking each other. Well, I bought it. You throw two, like, heroin- You have tickets to the Tijuana donkey show? Yeah, the donkey show is usually a human involved.

I know. I mean, we're just one step away from one farmer, probably Greg Dick's lovely daughter, Dorothy Dick, who starts to show up, and she's like, she's bored. She went to the big city of Melbourne to try to make it on the Australian version of Broadway, but she couldn't because it's upside down. Yeah, she's like, she's bored. She went to the big city of Melbourne to try to make it on the Australian version of Broadway, but she couldn't because it's upside down. Yeah, it's just a boardwalk.

So she fucking ended up getting fucked between a kangaroo and a pig. It's possible. Put down a towel if you're going to fuck fuck it. I agree. Well, visitor Ryan Frazier was one of the many tourists shocked by the sight of the kangaroo and the pig expressing their animal instincts with each other. On a recent work trip, he and two colleagues stopped at the small town, not knowing what there was to see.

He said, we were a bit stunned. I was with my boss, and it was a bit awkward. He said they were nudging each other when he mounted her. Then when the pig mounted the kangaroo, I've never seen anything like it. Yeah, I mean, I will say it's a bit immature to have this be an uncomfortable moment with your boss, right? Don't you just both look at it? You're on a farm.

Yeah, it's just that happens. The animals fuck all the time. He said the presence of two geese in the paddock, quote-unquote, just having a bit of a look made the surreal situation even stranger. The geese were watching. The spider was putting funny words in a web. I gave him a facial.

He said, facial in the web? Give him a facial. Holy shit, they're fucking in a web. I ain't shocked. Facial. It says facial in the web. Give him a facial. You were right there. Holy shit, they're fucking in the web. And all the townspeople came to look at it. I saw a rabbit fuck a kitten once. A rabbit fuck a kitten? When I was a kid, on Easter.

Kevin, what were you going to say, Kevin? I was just like telling him. I was just saying, I ain't shocked by anything a kangaroo does, man. I haven't seen one honorable kangaroo my entire life. I used to play Streets of Rage. There was a kangaroo in that shit. He was fighting with the boss.

You kill the boss, the kangaroo joins your team. They got no allegiance to anybody. No loyalty. Because they're from Australia, and Australia is like born of the progeny of criminals. Isn't it, though? Yeah. That's not even like a bad thing. That's where we used to send like the world spellings is Australia, right?

Yeah, oh England yeah, and surfing just came about because they were trying to leave the island Oh, but they kept on getting called back in cuz they're dumb yeah All the sharks down there. Oh is that right? Yeah, we built sharks offensive sharks that we just had a tiger fuck a carp We had a tiger fuck a carp. Yeah. And that's how sharks came. That's how sharks came to us.

Sharks were invented by the English. By the English. Carps fucking piranhas. They've all been watching different animals fuck each other since the beginning of time. Right, one of Napoleon's favorite pastimes. Loved watching anything fuck anything. Anything fuck anything. I do love the idea. Hawk fuck a fish.

Yeah, that would work. I love the idea. I want to hear another example. Okay, what's one more? Two more. A snail fuck a... Do the animal. Rat.

Impossible. Here we go. Okay, so you got one more. You create a rail. A caterpillar, right? Sloobed up. It enters the anus of a... Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Just, holy shit. Anything in the world. I'm pretty sure I named all the animals at this point. No, you named four animals. He named all the ones he knows. There's sharks, there's tigers. Snails. Snails.

I named them all. Raccoons. Great. Okay, so a caterpillar and the, snails. I named them all. Raccoons. Great. Okay, so a caterpillar and the anus of a raccoon. No. No. Not right. Put my foot down on that one, buddy.

That's unrealistic as shit. A turtle. A turtle. A caterpillar and a turtle. I don't even think that would work. I find it to be disappointing. Yeah. Yeah.

You know what? It'd be a very slow, boring scenario for sure. I'm not freely entertained enough. Piranha Shark sounds amazing, though. It sounds like a great sci-fi movie. Ooh, a bunch of them. A tiny shark is just a piranha anyway. No, but you make it the size of a shark.

Jesus. A piranha shark. Mate the shark with the piranha. There was a movie that came out in 2014 called Piranha Sharks. Why wasn't I in that boardroom? You gotta go into development rooms. Great white sharks bioengineered to be the size

of piranhas with the purpose of living in rich people's exotic aquariums. Terrorize New York City when they get into the water supply and do it great white sharks. You gotta make the piranha the size of the shark. You're gonna be complete op. There's no point in making this. They're dumb. The great white shark is You've got to make the piranha the size of the shark. You're going to be complete op. There's no point in making this. They're dumb. The green white shark is going to be the size of the movie.

Ben, you should have been on this show. I know. Piranhas are actually, small piranhas are worse than a small shark. Yeah, because they move so fast. A green white shark on its own is deadlier than a piranha shark. You make a piranha. No, no, look. It makes a really good point.

Check out the poster. Tagline, people love sharks. That's a really good tagline. Kevin Sorbo's in it. I'm happy he's getting one. I love Sorbo. I'm more of a Keith Sorbo fan. Love Keith Sorbo.

He was in Hunkulees and he was in... Batter for the Marlins. Yeah, he was great in that. Jacob the Dirt Man. I love that film. Keith Sorbo. The underrated Sorbo. All right.

He committed suicide six months ago. Suicide by cat. By cat. Yeah. He ate a cat while it was alive and he died. Oh, I see. He's not going to work his way out, huh? The Piranha Sharks Wikipedia is only in German.

Oh, really? It's only written in German. They're the only ones who could possibly give a fuck. It is very difficult to create a Wikipedia page. in German. Oh, really? It's only written in German. They're the only ones who could possibly give a fuck. It is very difficult to create a Wikipedia page. It is. It is. Man, they got that wrong. It's also difficult to be German.

Well, no. It's... Great. That's pretty easy. Great people. Easier than it was. More difficult now than ever. Still can't have a standing army.

That's going to change. You think so? Oh, yeah. They don't have a standing army? No, they can't have a standing army. What's that? They. You think so? Oh, yeah. They don't have a standing army? No, they can't have a standing army. What's that? They have an army. Yeah, they're in a...

Germans? They're in the penalty box. Oh, they have great armies. They're still on probation. I know. Double secret probation. They got too drunk at the frat house. That's what we're calling World War II now.

6 million Jews. Oh, got too drunk at the frat house. Uh-oh, blackout. Uh-oh. What did I do? You don't want to know. Oh, damn. I'm going to be late for finals.

Rough day. I wonder what the actual number is. I know we always say six million, but what is it? Is it like five million and change? Is that what I was thinking, man? Six million just got such a good optic to it. I actually think that it's actually closer to like eight million because they don't count the gypsies and the O.W.s.

Because you always mention the Jews. You always say six million Jews because the Jews didn't like them either. There's also something where they found a bunch of hidden camps recently that added a couple hundred thousand to it or whatever. Oh, yeah? It's all over the place. But they had that one fat camp, which was actually really nice because I heard that those kids

then entered in a sort of obstacle course competition with a camp across the river from him. Oh, yeah. And they won, and they were like, yay, yay, yay,

can't believe this is going on. And then Hitler killed all of them in the gas chambers. You know what? They killed 1,900 Jehovah's Witnesses. Wow. Aw, those guys knocked on the wrong door.

It's like, huh, huh, work will set you free. They're going to love us. Clank, clank, clank, clank, clank. I recently had Jehovah's Witness knock on my door, and I was hungover, and I just got out of the state. I open the door, and I look, and I'm like, no Bible, no Bible. I shut the door. That's great. You sound like a Ukrainian immigrant.

Yeah. All right, so fucking an' and Apple are doing fine. Their relationship is going strong. They're doing great. Let's move on to the next story. Kind of another feel-good one. Good. We need some feel-good ones.

A bike thief was lassoed by a bystander on a horse, catching him in the act. Cool. Was he then torn apart by four horses' limb from lamb? Yeah, they quartered him. Yeah, good quartered him. Good old bicycle court. Man, I do miss the old ways of murdering people were so fun and creative because people had all the time in the world to do it. That was entertainment, right?

That was entertainment. Watching somebody get quartered. I mean, can you imagine what that would look like? All the barbecue there must have been amazing. Sure. The final beheading in France took place not even that long ago. 1977. Yeah.

77. Isn't that crazy? Like in the middle of the fucking guillotine. What do you think, Malachi? Best way to go. I'm saying it is the guillotine. You just get that head chopped right off. Hanging is terrible.

We all saw this on the same video. Isn't the guillotine immediate, Marcus? Isn't that like the... The guillotine's immediate. Well, it's immediate, but you're still conscious for a short amount of time. Your head is still, because the scientist, he blinks. You get the WWE entrance. You get to come in, and there's a bunch of people watching,

and you get to fucking play sexy voice playing over the thing, and you're just like, woo, woo. They're going to kill me today. That guy's going to die. Yeah, you can say whatever you want, too. Like, your final words, you just get to scream them out before you get your head chopped out. Crunuts suck!

Whoa! Up with his head! It's also cool to just kind of, like, just have your head be separate from your body. Look at yourself. I should have worked out more. Well, didn't they use... Oh, my God, I can't even imagine what I would say.

Didn't they turn your head around? They were more like that. They would turn your head around and let you see the body, right, back in the day? Or they would pick it up and they would...

No, well, usually you'd have to get it out of the basket pretty quickly in order to hold it up and have it look at the body. Usually they just kept it in the basket

and then they just kind of, you know, carried the basket out. Part of the executioner's duty. Oh, really? I know this, man. Someone's like, quick, quick, quick, get it, get it, get it, get it, jump, jump, jump. Ah, too late. Why of you know carried the basket out part of the executioners duty Do you know this I read a lot you have that like at the ready though like oh, yeah Actually, this is what the execution is did he was training to be an executioner for a while So they you realize that don't not happen Your whole industry falls apart.

We've seen it happen so much. The machines came in. It's just a flick of a switch now. They got to have scientists to fucking do all the lethal injection stuff. Oh, man. Back in the day, though. Whatever happened to a man,

an ax and a dream. I would love to see when the first, like, Iron Maiden was created and the dude who ran the guillotine is just like, fucking robots taking my jobs, man. I can't believe it. Industry's moving in,

taking my job. Man, I bet if you were born back then, they would have made you an executioner. I would have loved every second of it. You would be so good with a big hood on pointing towards the couch. Off with your head. That's my little improv game.

What I also miss is that they had their really creative ones and then some executions where they just take a rock and just drop it on your fucking head. Oh yeah, the simplest of all the executions. It's like a steak where you just put salt and pepper on it. Sear it on each side. Simple. Simplicity. Don't overthink it.

Throw a rock at his head. I mean, out of all of the inventions that humans have created the majority of the best ones were made for death. The efficient ones, yeah. Yeah. The Iron Man. The guillotine is one of the most efficient machines ever created.

Right. Europeans loved it. I mean, we didn't even think about using it to cut fruit. We were just immediately like, we will behead people with it. It would have been a great watermelon slicer. Oh, man, we could chop off so many fucking dicks with this. Yeah, you could cut it. Yeah.

Are there watermelons in France? Oh, there's watermelons all around the world. Yeah. Oh, totally. They migrated there. Yeah. I think watermelons were made up by us. I think we developed watermelons. I have no idea what a watermelon is. It's a strawberry and a cantaloupe.

Fuck. Is that right? And they ended up at a picnic. Oh my God. Make the piranha the size of their shark. I just don't understand what they were thinking. And then a bunch of those, a bunch of shark piranhas swarming around. That would be so exciting. The watermelon came from Africa.

Isn't that something? Man, I want a second opinion on that bullshit. No, no, he's on stormfront.com. They know all about it. They are never, never wrong. That's a great website. That's a great website. Northern Africa. Egypt.

Fried chicken came from a black person's egg? Yes. Exactly. Wow. Incredible. Oh, look. Tap dancing originated in Uganda. What else?

What else you fucking got? Oh, no way to take that back. It started in Southern Africa. Oh. Oh. Oh, that's bad. Denial of aliens. Very interesting.

But we developed them to have more flesh on the inside. They used to be mostly seeds. It was a more coarse vegetable. I'm fruit. I'm sorry. I remember a moment when you said, we developed them to have more flesh. I thought you meant black people.

I am not George Washington. She meant black people. I am not George Washington. Oh, yeah, there's the lasso guy. The lasso guy. I just realized, I think I'd be too tall for the Iron Maiden. They wouldn't even be able to poke my eyes out. I bet they could stuff you in there.

They'd have to make it an Iron Mood Like, ow. I'm inside the cow. Got it. Thank you, Henry. It took a while, but I got it. Joke of the week, I think. No, it was not joke of the week. I feel pretty good about it. Joe? Joe?

Jake? Joe. Joke of the week. Is everyone broken? Yes. Henry, I'm holding it. Eddie is broken. I'm fine.

You don't know what's happening in the current state of the world. We're not even talking. Somebody lassoed a bike thief. All right, so somebody stole a bike, but there was a cowboy there. That is true, yes. I'm really surprised when that was the top news on Reddit this morning, like bike thief lassoed by riding vigilantes. Vigilante.

Vigilante. Well, the perpetrator now identified as Victorino Arellano Sanchez, 23, attempted to steal a mountain bike outside of a local Walmart store when people in the parking lot began shouting and calling attention to the theft. Witnesses referred to the hero as the Lone Ranger, real name Robert Borba. Borba? Borba. A witness said, I mean, who gets on their horse at Walmart

and chases after somebody and lassos him other than the Lone Ranger? That's really wonderful. He had a 12-pack of Gatorade tied to the horse's ass that he was spying. And an Indian. He's also probably a terrible father. No, he's a horse rider. Everyone who rides a horse is a great father. There's no way they leave their children for weeks at a time.

He carries a lasso with him. Scary guy. I know plenty of people who do that. He was eyeing that Spanish guy when he showed up at the Walmart being like, I'm going to lasso him. Even when he was going to steal that bike or not. Do you think the Lone Ranger planted the bike? He was like, hey, Sanchez, check out that bike.

Take a look at it. It's like so steel. Oh, I'm sorry. Let me translate for you. Steal it up. Very good. He probably wasn't even stealing the bike. The guy just probably said he was trying to steal that bike, so I roped him and dragged him for several blocks.

It is possible. He was trying to steal that bike. Yeah, but all the cops were like, yeah, definitely. Yeah, of course. There's no proof. Was there a camera? Good last one. That guy was innocent, man.

I mean, there was a whole bunch of people yelling, hey, he stole that bike. Of course, because the guy on the horse said it. We all say that he was stealing a bike. It was the witnesses first, and then the horse guy said, I got to get involved in this situation. And then he got on his horse and he lassoed a human. How exciting. Right inside of his horse and rode off.

I think it's unfair that they immediately called him the Lone Ranger. What about Wonder Woman? I mentioned that's a lasso. A golden one. That's right. Yeah. Well, it's kind of unsafe to ride a horse on concrete, isn't it? Yeah, it's really.

You have to slip around with them shoes. Yeah, it's really shitty for the horse. You're not supposed to have a horse on concrete. So fuck this guy. Yeah, that's why I hate the fucking sidewalk. I was at Central Park the other day and walked past all the horses. God, it's so sad. Maybe sad.

They're walking. You know, they're not running. They're trying to catch a guy on a bicycle. Even walking's bad for them. But that's the question you've got to ask yourself, man. What do you care about more, horse feet or justice? Yeah. Good point.

We have been disregarding horse feet since we got horse feet. I'm team horse feet, personally. How about you, Kevin, former subscriber to Horse Illustrated? I've got to go for justice, man. Oh, yeah. Well, go for justice, man. Horses are made for that. It's Walmart. Bikes are like $25. Obviously this person needed the bicycle for something.

I think they should have pooled their money together and just bought him the damn bike. It'd be kind of nice. In a perfect world. So you reward him for being a thief? We can't treat everybody like Bat Kid. I know. And also, Walmart, they can... Like, if you steal a bike from Walmart, Walmart won't even know.

I think you should be allowed to steal everything. He wasn't stealing the bike from Walmart. He was stealing it from a Walmart customer. Oh. Okay, see, that's funny. What the fuck are you doing going to Walmart on a bike? You've got to bring an SUV. You go to Walmart to buy in bulk.

Oh, no, you can go to Walmart. You can buy it if you need a cable for your television. Could have worked there. Yeah. I like it. I say we start it up, Ben. 1-877-BIKES-FOR-THIEVES. We'll get it out there.

I like it. We'll start handing the bikes out to the thieves, and then they won't be thieving the damn bikes anymore. The problem is that we're going to have a bunch of thieves on bikes stealing stuff out of our hands when they're biking down the street. That's a good one. Could be a slippery slope. A slippery slope. Could I ask, did Bat Kid die? Oh man, maybe. I hope so.

That would make the news. If Bat Kid died. So what's the story, Bat Kid? A whole town pretended he was Batman. Man, that was like three years ago. Okay, well what's the hell of the story about Bat Kid? A whole town pretended he was Batman. He's going to make it? Man, that was like three years ago. Ooh. Okay, well, what's the hell is the story about Bat Kid? The whole town, for this kid, basically he wanted to be Batman. The whole town pretended he was Batman in a series of grand illusions.

Well, did they kill his parents in front of him? No. No, you don't get to be Batman. Yeah, he didn't do it the hard way like Batman had to. So I'm asking you for the third time. We have a gun to your father's head. Do you want us to kill him? Do you want us to kill him? Do you want us to kill him?

You will be Batman. I'm going to be Batman. Kill his parents. A lot of people were mad because the kid was actually in remission while they did the whole Bat Kid thing. See, when they were planning the whole Bat Kid thing, he got better. And people are like, where the fuck he got better? Why are you going to go through with this? This is, I believe, the case in Canada where the person is a friend of mine.

I forget his name, though. He's in Canada. He got charged by the Human Rights Organization for making fun of a kid who had cancer, but then the kid never died, and he was complaining. It's like the kid's got to die. That's the whole point. Everyone showered him with gifts and things, and he's in a lot of trouble. So Bat Kid is alive. As far. Yeah. So Bat Kid is alive.

That's it. Bat Kid, as far as I know, Bat Kid is alive. Here, here's a picture of him. It was real rough, though. A drunk guy showed up dressed as Superman, tried to fucking beat the shit out of him. You want to go back? You think you're something fucking special, Bat Kid?

Like, I can't fucking beat your ass. Fucking hell, you. I'm the son of Krypton, you fucking little Jew. How much booze does it take you to get drunk, Superman? Oh, nine bottles. Yeah, I shouldn't have had it. I'll be over in a sec. God, what would it be like?

Yeah, Superman drunk. I wonder how much it would take him to get tanked. I think technically he can't get drunk, and I think that was addressed in the comic books in a sad way. Oh, really? Yeah. Isn't that, you know who else can't get drunk? A horse.

We learned this the other day. Yeah, we learned this last week. Interesting. Horses cannot metabolize alcohol. I imagine Wolverine can't get drunk either. His body replenishes too quickly. I imagine also real Wolverines can't get drunk. Was that right?

I never saw one at the bar. They eat rocks. They eat rocks. Wolverines? Wolverines eat rocks, and they put them in their stomach, so it helps smash the bones that they eat later. Hell yeah. You should, like, I mean, it's so funny the things you know, Ed.

So interesting. Do you eat rocks? Did you start? Is that week three of your diet? Yeah. I don't see rocks. Nothing but rocks. But week three of your diet? Yeah. I eat rocks. Nothing but rocks. But I got to take them anally.

Oh, no. Well, Eddie, that's not called eating then. It's called hatching. Yeah. Absolutely disgusting. Fill me up. I'd hate to see you as a chicken. Bat kid's just fine.

No egg would survive. All right. So now this fell on a horse lassoed this uh alleged criminal bob borba yeah officer chris adams of eagle point police said that after the arrest borba on the horse said can i have my rope back i gotta go he's gotta go he's gotta go he had i mean if you're on a horse at a walmart you're obviously in the middle of some shit bob borba is it's honestly just a step away from becoming a George Zimmerman. He is so close.

Could be. He's almost there. There's something almost like fedora about someone wearing a fedora, like riding a horse to the Walmart. Get on a car. Get on a motorcycle. If you've got the horse, use it. Yeah, if he was working near the Walmart on his horse

and he needs something at the Walmart, taking all of shit off of a horse and all that is a big pain in the ass. It's like someone wearing a dashiki in public. They're just trying to make a statement. A little bit. But he was there. He had to get some Magnum condoms and some peanut butter. For the horse?

To put them in your fridge. Do you need condoms with a horse if the horse is fucking you? You need a condom no matter when you have sex with whomever or whatever you have sex. Responsible. Also, you need to hide the evidence. Ben, what's wrong with wearing a dashiki in public, man? Oh, my God. Honestly, if you want to wear a dashiki in public, that's just wonderful.

Just don't be surprised when you didn't get the job. You know, it's like it's fine. What if the job was Lion King the musical or some shit, man? No, then... I feel like that would be highly appropriate. I'm not saying it's because you're wearing a dashiki. That's why you didn't get the job. You're not talented.

That's literally what you said. That's what you're saying. You can't sing. Exactly that. But I think the casting director would be like, a little bit too on the nose, Mustafa. Yeah, Henry, didn't you used to wear a dashiki? That's why I said it.

It's cultural appropriation. That's why I'm taking down Malachi. I was embracing a culture. I'm sorry, Ben. Henry used to wear black cowboy boots and a dashiki. And a hair knit. Yeah, and a hair knit. And one time it got infested with ants

and he didn't realize it until hours after the fact. I was very large. Yes. And then I rolled around. It was the middle of a rehearsal and we're all hanging out and he's directing this it until hours after the fact. I was very large. Yes. And then I rolled around. It was the middle of a rehearsal, and we're all hanging out, and he's directing this play, and all of a sudden he goes, oh, my God, I'm covered in ants. And he ran outside and stripped the dashiki off. Now you have a naked man rolling around trying to get ants off of his body.

I smoked a lot of weed. I was embracing stuff about myself. There was probably no ants. I felt the ants. I was getting bit by ants. I was covered stuff about myself there's probably no ants I felt the ants I was getting bit by ants I was covered in ant bites that's the thing about dashikis man the material is too flowy there's no barrier between you and me you crawl right up that shit dude yeah so you're super fat yeah is this like more of a moomoo situation that's the thing it was close to that yeah but I had shorts on underneath it yeah okay so you weren't just free-flowing.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I had shorts on. I could still wear human clothes. I wasn't yet quite at the point where I was shopping at the boat store for my clothes. So you dressed like Artie Lang when he pretended to be the mother in Mad TV? Pretty much. Great character. Malachi and Kevin, I just love to sheikies.

And I love cultures. Beep, beep, beep, beep. Great character Malachi and Kevin I just love to she keys Honestly my mom what I saw her like a month ago She was wearing a dashiki and I just looked at her my first I was what kind of goofy shit is this I think she looked beautiful you yeah, I think you looks beautiful It's like you're on safari Yes Claudette Barnett You keep on being you I'm going to start doing the Turkish man dresses For the summer time

It's like a It's like a cloak More often it's a day wear That you wear That you can wear in the hot weather And you tie up the skirt part of it. So it's like shorts. Alright. Very good.

I got enough time alone. I could do it in then. That time. For me. That's my time. I know. I could dress however I want in there. Jesus. Why are you crying? You can't dress however you want in there. Why? Because you'll be ripped apart.

You show up in something like that, oh my God. No, that's for the home. I was wearing underwear the other day. I was just underwear. I didn't realize that the window was open to my backyard. I go out there and I hear a bunch of kids laughing. I look out there, a bunch of kids pointing in the window. Just me standing there in my underwear and they're laughing at me.

They're like, fat man, fat man, fat man, underwear, fat man, underwear. they're laughing at me. It's a man in a fan man underwear. Fan man underwear. They're all like saying it and laughing. Do you wear tighty-whities? No. You're going to fix the problem? All right, boxer briefs. I'm going to fix the problem. Yeah, good.

You know what I like? I like those Cuban shirts. What's that? You know those button-down shirts that got the pockets by the belly? Yeah, I love the Cuban shirts too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are fun. I say we all try

different cultures this summer. Four pockets. Cubans can't lay claim on four pockets. Fuck yeah, man. That's Kevin. I will start wearing leather wristlets.

Yes. Very good. What culture is that? Kevin, I'm giving you the Liderosen. Bolivian? Bolivian? Kevin, do Liderosen

and then Malka just has to be nude yeah man I'm down with that come on man show the dick show the dick I show my dick every day

somebody gets to see it every single day well that's exciting stuff oh I got a story about that oh great yeah about showing dick exactly about that well almost showing dick

but close a man who confronted a woman and her young son at a public park by shoving his hand inside his unzipped pants and arching his pelvis toward her while shouting didn't commit a crime. An Oregon appeals court has ruled. The Oregon Court of Appeals recently ruled that 44-year-old Thomas Brian Wade's behavior was constitutionally protected free speech. Hell yeah.

The way you say Oregon does sound like Oregon. Oregon. Which is a fun sexual organ. So the guy put his hand down his pants and made sexual motions towards the kid and his mom. Uh-huh. And that's free speech. Free speech. Okay.

Yeah. A district court judged it. Well, the woman reported Wade was within 30 feet of her and she turned away, expecting him to expose himself. Lawyers say a public indecency charge against Wade was within 30 feet of her and she turned away, expecting him to expose himself. Lawyers say a public indecency charge against Wade was dismissed at trial because the woman didn't see Wade expose himself. A district court judge determined a quote-unquote reasonable person would think, quote, violent sexual attack is likely to occur from Wade's actions. But the three-judge appeals court said Wade didn't take any steps towards the woman or her son

and hadn't done enough to demonstrate he was about to attack. That, the appeals court said, eliminated second-degree disorderly conduct, which is defined as fighting or violent, tumultuous, or threatened behavior. Okay. Score one for the pedophiles. Score one. Think finally they get something. Finally we get justice.

I mean, them get justice. Children are delicious. It is interesting. So, I mean, them gets justice. Children are delicious. It is interesting. So, I mean, do you think the guy knew the law? He's like, I'm standing 30 feet back. I'm not going to, you know, go and be aggressive with the woman. I'm within my rights to do this, ma'am. Any man in short shorts and one of those tape measures is a nuisance.

This is against society. Yep. I agree. No, he is mentally imbalanced. Oh, is that right? Greatly so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No he is mentally imbalanced. Oh is that right greatly so yeah You seem like he'd be the coolest guy in school Yeah, screaming at a woman with his hands down his pants. Does it say what are you saying? Was he saying something like Joey come over did he see him get he scream?

Yeah, we at that maybe he's screaming help my hands are trapped my hands are glued to my thighs My hands are trapped. My hands are glued to my thighs. What if he was in trouble? Nobody helped him. What if it was some bad, silly, you know, accident, like straight out of some slapstick comedy? Oh, no, my penis is in jail. Will someone come and break my penis out of jail?

Sure. I will help, sir. Sometimes your penis gets jailed. Yeah, it's like that classic, instead of, like, you put the lube and the super glue right next to each other on the nightstand. Yeah. Right, always. Because you were making toy airplanes, model airplanes. Yeah. And you're going to jerk off after.

Yeah. And then you just reach over, grab it, and the camera sees super glue, but we don't. And the first thing you see is a sweet woman and her sweet child walking across. And you assume they'll jump in to help you. Exactly. And they don't. And the child waves a little solution. He's got it.

He's got the thing that makes the glue go. Yeah, just jerking off at the thought of family. Just how he never had it. And the mom and the kid are wearing those deep cut V-neck shirts. Sometimes I beat off to concepts. Yeah. It happens. Such as?

What was the last concept you beat off? The evolution of aviation. For sure. You know what's a good one? The Wright Brothers to the modern day jetliner. Having a speedboat. Yeah. I'd jerk off.

After I bought a speedboat, I think I'd have to jerk off. On the speedboat. Yeah, could be. Springtime. Yeah. I think you make a good point, Malachi. It's classic, classic comedy. Thanks, man.

Thanks very much. That's why I'm here today. He's our barometer for classic comedy. He's like, Malachi, was that a pratfall? He's like, no, not really. Sorry, guys. You can work on that when you get home. Make the piranha the size of the shark.

Everybody, I just can't get over it. I'm pissed. You look sort of like you woke up at a bus station, Ben. I actually did take the shark. Everybody, I just can't get over it. I'm pissed. You look sort of like you woke up at a bus station, Ben. I actually did take the bus. Okay, I got a mug shot of this guy. Tell me what you think of him. It's like TJ.

He does look like me. It does kind of look like you. It looks exactly like you. It looks like your uncle or something. His neck is a little thicker than yours. You know, it's really to be honest. I was the same eyes Yeah, that's extra scary because he looks really jacked where it's like normally I'm used to sort of like a blue vein through on the face kind of pasty kind of normal pedophile But that guy could really have just taken them. They're lucky. They're lucky his dick was stuck to his hands.

He couldn't grab him. All charges were dropped, right Marcus? Yeah, all charges were dropped. But you still get this mugshot out there. He was arrested before. I have a second mugshot. This second mugshot is from the actual arrest. And he looks a little more benevolent.

He looks like a Santa Claus. He could play a pretty good Santa Claus. Teach you a couple lessons at the end of the movie. Why is that a story, man? A homeless man reaches in his pants and curses at a woman. That happens every single day here. It does. But this one got away with it after being arrested for it.

Most of them get away with it. This is setting a bad precedent for this country with homeless men. They're going to get a surge of freedom. They don't read the news. They sleep in it. Of course they with it. This is setting a bad precedent for this country with homeless men. They're going to get a surge of freedom. They don't read the news. They sleep in it. Of course they read it. They read it. They're like the goblins that you know are controlling the televisions that you see.

Just osmosis alone. They know a bunch of horoscopes. I did find out what he was yelling. He was just yelling bitch over and over and over again. That plays into Malachi. And kept yelling, come over here, come over here. Bitch, bitch, bitch, come over here, come over here. That's arguably not even cursing.

It still plays, man. Yeah, I think Malachi, I think his theory holds up. Yeah, because they were walking away. He's like, hey, excuse me, miss, could you help me? No, bitch, come over here and help me get my hand unstuck from my dick. That's what happened. Please. I'm in emergency. They didn't write that down. No. He screamed bitch like auck from my dick. That's what happened. Please. I'm an emergency

They don't didn't write that down. No Bitch like a biker screams bitch. It's scary. She's like bitch get over here. No, it's really scary Oh, yeah, you did that in GTA 5 Yeah Yep, that was a good credit you can kill me. Yeah, you can blow his brains out with a shotgun in GTA You can strap c4 to him in G V. Oh, were you a civilian? No, I was a biker. Biker.

Oh, I was a civilian in that game, too. You could kill both of us. Oh, wow. I was at the beach. Oh, awesome. You're just going to rampage, everybody. What were your lines, G.J.? Oh, my car.

That was one. Good. Oh, you nailed it. That was great. I remember you. Yeah, I did more than just kill you on that one. You were more than just having to scream like things. It was like, oh, yeah, a guy steals your car.

That was good, man. I really felt you at the beach. Were you in the suit? They put you in the suit with all the bottles? No, it wasn't that far. This was just on camera. It was a pretty basic. Ed was a story mission.

Yeah, no, I wasn't a bully. I was a story mission. That was it. That's pretty sweet, though. So it's so weird that you guys have your call. It's bizarre to think about, like, in reality, you guys are in this virtual reality existence. Eddie is a biker. You're just on the beach.

Technically, is Eddie more successful than you in this virtual reality world? Well, he has more friends. He's got a community. Yeah, he's in a trailer park with a bunch of other bikers. Do we know that your character is homeless? He has a car. Yeah. Oh, he has a car.

Some homeless people have cars. They live in there. It's really strange about how on GTA 5 they can go and kill Eddie with a machine gun or any sort of weapon that you can get or have your hands on. But in real life, if you want to kill Eddie, just buy him a hamburger. Yeah. Only this

week. Henry, only this week. That's right. Next week, you can't. Next week, it's got to be beans. Next week, it's got to be beans. Drenched in lard. Those beans are sticking in my ears. Alright, it's got to be beans. Next week it's got to be beans. Drenched in lard. I hate to get in those beans, sticking them in my ears. All right, time for a segment from Old McNally. Music festivals, why?

Who goes anymore? It's pointless. Millions of people. They seem really cool. They're more popular than ever. Well, the roundtable of gentlemen via multi-billionaire, Marcus Parks would like to do a music festival for the summer or the dead of winter, actually.

It can be whatever you want it to be. So you're going to come up with the music festival, maybe the theme or whatever, maybe what some bands will be there, some stuff like that, maybe if there's some attractions, either way. And then Marcus will choose which festival he's going to go with. I'm going to say Roundtable of Gentlemen presents, prevents actually, Roundtable of Gentlemen prevents Mystery Fest. Okay? So everyone just tells the truth.

So what we do is we get a bunch of like really sought after acts. What are some of those? I don't know music anymore. U2. Juniper Westington. Juniper Westington plays a four hour spoken word set.

He smashes an acoustic guitar at the end. U2 is there, but they just make hamburgers for people. We've got Coldplay and Guns N' Roses team up for a big group jam. None of these sound good, but we're going to get really good acts. I just realized having sex with Gwyneth Paltrow would be cold play. It seems like she's frigid. That is actually very good. Very good.

What came first? If you listen to page seven here on Cave Comedy Radio, you can hear quite a bit about Gwyneth Paltrow's frigid goop. Oh, good. Frigid goop. Well, anyways, a bunch of stuff people want to see. I don't know what that is. I'm not hip, but we'll hire somebody.

What about a dunk tank? Book, hip acts. We're getting there, all right? Then we also get the Tijuana Donkey Show. That's hard to get. Yes. Now, what we do is, and we get some other things like that.

We get people who can pull their penis off their body and stuff like horrible acts, terrifying things to look at, freaks and horrible things, right? And we set up a bunch of mystery tents you don't know what you're gonna get once you walk in you have to choose a tent for each hour you have no idea what's gonna be in there you go in you're trapped we lock the doors behind you if there's a fire i'm sorry you know what i'm saying you go in there and you see whatever you're gonna

see it's either gonna be the best show you've ever seen or it's gonna be you know a kangaroo fucking jerking off a mailman and you know you have no idea what you're gonna seen or it's going to be, you know, a kangaroo fucking jerking off a mailman. And you have no idea what you're going to get, but it's going to blow your fucking cap off. A kangaroo fucking a pig. A mailman. That's ridiculous. You're an idiot. You can only fuck pigs. How much per ticket are we paying to be disappointed? 22

cents. I love it. That's actually cheap. Get some change back. And free weed. I like that. That's the thing. And there is, there's, and free weed. Okay. Free what?

Free weed tent. Seems like you're really desperate for an audience. Yes. Well, no one's, you know, people aren't going to want to see a lot of the things that are going on there, so we got to kind of give incentives. Anyways. How are you going to pay the acts? Pay them and weed, too. We got to farm weed for a couple years before we can even do this.

That's right. A lot of prep. Kevin. What's it called again? Mystery Fest. Probably already exists. Yeah, I think it is. Yeah, it might. But that's fine. Jesus! Mine is going to be called Eternal Salvation, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what we do is we get everybody gathered in this giant, beautiful field, right? The catch of this festival, it doesn't end. It goes until everybody's dead. But we play in the most beautiful music, the music of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. And so we have all these people sitting there. If you make it through the festival, you get eternal salvation.

Wow. How long is the festival? Doesn't end. Oh, I see. Okay, let me ask you this. It goes until the Lord comes back, man. We know he's coming soon. Yeah.

But let me ask you this. What happens if you sin at the festival? Do you get a free pass? It's not possible. Hollowed ground, man. And all it costs to get in? A little bit of faith, man. Damn.

How do you do that? Powerful. What does it cost to leave? You're a mortal soul. Eternal damnation. Eternal damnation is what it is. It's a national leave. God, it's heavy.

The name of my festival. Is it in summer? It doesn't end, man. It's in all seasons. But when does it begin? Huh? When does it begin? Whenever you get there.

What do you eat? You eat, you know, manna. I'm hungry, though. He's like, not purgatory. This sounds like purgatory. This sounds like when somebody dies and they're in between heaven and hell trying to figure out where to get to. Listen, it's hard to get into the gates of heaven, man. You got to put in your time in. Where is it?

It's in Florida. Ben? Okay, so mine is going to be called The Evolution of Ben. So it's a 34-day festival. Each day represents one year of my life. And what you have to do is... So these are the real Ben fanatics. These are for...

The Beninites. I don't. Yeah. Kisselolics or Kisselism. If you want to do that, like a religion would be Kisselism. Kisselism. Kisselism. That makes sense.

Anyway, day one of the festival, you just do what I did when I was one. So it was just like you have to, you know, on tits. Yeah, you can suck on tits. They will feed you milk uh you have two servants who would represent my older brothers will get you all the food that you want and then so on and so forth when you're 10 you go through a small growth spurt which is painful because you go to the stretching room and then uh when you're 13 you gain a lot of weight and then when you're 16 you lose a lot of weight yeah it's kind of fun i mean so then you go 16

you lose a lot of weight you start you really you kind of fun. I mean, so then you go, 16, you lose a lot of weight. You start, you really, you know. You really want to go to the later years when the cocaine came in. Yeah. Yeah, it's going to be really shitty for the first 33 years. But man, 34th is going to be great. You'll host your own segment on Fox News. Yeah, which is what I did. So the evolution of Ben, yeah.

And, you know, obviously you'll have a lot of sexual experiences. No bands, because I don't really like music. That is true. He's not a fan. Dr. Dog will play incessantly for a couple years. Whatever I'm listening to, you'll go through a Pantera phase, a Suppletura phase, a Rob Zombie phase. Definitely a No Doubt phase. Ben Folds 5, you'll listen to a lot of that when you're in your 20s.

That'll be sad for you. I did that when I was like 16, 17. I did Ben Folds 5. I love Ben Folds 5. So yeah, you'll go through the whole life of Ben. It'll be really exciting. It's a fun festival for you. I'll look for it.

Yeah, it's 34 days long. God damn. How much is it to get in? I mean, well, you do have to give me everything you have. Okay. That's fair. So just whatever you're... Yeah, you're starting.

It's your rebirth. Yeah. Sounds kind of like a cult. Yeah. Okay. That's fair. That's fair. So just whatever you're... Yeah. Yeah, you're starting... It's your rebirth. Yeah. Sounds kind of like a cult. Yeah. Yeah. Ooh. Ben's Pulls 5. Now, is that your stomach?

Ha-ha! Got it. That was mean, right? Yeah. But it was... I couldn't help. I know you can't help it, Eddie. Unbelievable.

He loses 14 pounds. We got real Johnny Depp over here abusing me. You're a regular Amber Heard. I've been meaning to say that. I hear that. DJ? Mine would be called Joey Fest. And it's going to be in New Jersey at the PNC Arts Center only.

Great. Okay? And it's only on the lawn. And there's a video. It plays all YouTube videos of Katy Perry and anything that Katy Perry's on. And everyone sits inside of a pouch of a kangaroo. And you glue your hand to your dick and jerk off all day. Oh.

Joey Fest. Joey Fest. It's about keeping it simple. It's not really a festival. It's a festival. It's a festival to me. I think that's a great festival. It's mostly for jerking off.

It's jerking off. It's just a show. I mean, if that's the only thing that's going on,. It's mostly for jerking off. It's jerking off. It's just a show. I mean, that's the only thing that's going on. It's just a one-off show. It happens for three days. Three full days. Three full days.

That is technically a festival. Involuntary jerk yourself off for three whole days. You have to bring your own glue, though. Heads up. Kangaroos are sent there. Own glue. And you can only Venmo a secret email. Because people have latex allergies. And already the lawsuits lawsuits are gonna be through the roof for that festival yeah phoebe perry is so hot

i think she's underrated when it comes to how hot she is i think everyone knows how hot she is that's why she's popular yeah okay i think about it i'd give anything to see her topless i would cut my own finger off she knows it too she's waiting for it just to see her cut my own finger off. She knows it, too. She's waiting for it. Just to see her topless? I would cut my own finger off to see her topless. Just where? Just rush to see. You could rush backstage. You'll be arrested. Ooh.

But you can rush back to that dressing room going like, let me see him, let me see him, let me see him. Yo, bitch. Yo, bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They love it. They love it. That could be part of the festival.

It's also, yeah, bad time for that as well. Henry? Bad timing for everything. But this is a podcast. This is an inappropriate time for this podcast to exist. Whenever I see a woman's breasts and she didn't want me to see them, I scream, you just got holdened. You got holdened.

Henry, what is your festival? It's the Zebrowski Um Festivisch Incrediblisch. And what it is is an all polish festival you got sausages and sauerkraut outside we got polka music during the day for all the people to hang out and it's like fun like real light up everyone's having a really good time people getting polish drunk like big beer steins it's really fun like that at night we mix it up like gets more fun there's like we'll have like a funk band, a jam band kind of comes on. It's very jammy. There's a lot of noodling going on.

There's a lot of noodley hippies. It's fun. It's a summer Polish festival. We've got people with Polska shirts on. Everybody's Polish for the day. It's one of those things where you'd be like, you want to be Polish? You're Polish for the day. And the kicker is, at the end of the second second day a bunch of people show up dressed as nazis right they show up dressed as

nazis to take over the festival and then what we do is during the day we give everybody free baseball bats but we don't tell like the tiny bats you get at the baseball but we don't tell the nazi people that that's what they're saying what that what's happening so they're going to show up thinking it's like a fun thing. They're just walking in doing a big fake march with Deutschland, Uber, Alice, like playing our bit. And then we get to repel the Nazis from the own festival by beating them with a bunch of baseball bats.

That sounds pretty great. And you're all fueled with beer. Who would agree to play the Nazis? I'm in. You don't tell. TJ did just sort of. We get a bunch of homeless people, and we also go to jails and prisons. And take out the real Nazis.

Yes. You want people to be released for a day. We see you get a free day, and we'll give them like a hot dog and a sausage. Thank God. So they're hanging out. They'll be in like a roped off area during the day. Good old roped off area. Do you think they'll respect the rope?

Well, the idea is that they'll think it's like fun, but the thing is that all the Polish people can sit and watch them get drunk all day in this one little area. Maybe we'll put up a chain link fence or something so we can't directly get at them. And then the Polish people can just sit and get drunk and kind of build up the appetite. They're going to do that anyway. Yeah, just staring because Polish people get real volatile towards the end of the night, as it is. What are the odds that the Polish people just get drunk and pass out, and the Nazis are just like, this is easier than I thought it was going to be?

Well, that is probably what will happen if it matches history. Yeah. History repeats itself. That fence is going to be expensive. What are they going to do without their leader? Well, they scatter like a bunch of spiders. And were you holding this, Michigan? I would hold this in several places.

We'd move it. We'd do it four times a year. That makes sense. Ed? Ed Larson. My festival, there's already enough music festivals, I think. There's enough of, you know, you get your choice. So many. There's so many.

There's so many. So I think I would like, I would want to do something for me, something I would want to do. So I'd call it Walrus for a Day Festival. Okay. Hold it down at Coney Island. Okay. And it's lots of, you know, if there is music, it's all like sea themed.

All day long. That or like chantees. You know, like sailor chants. Lots of, no cooked food, but plenty of fish. Raw fish. Oysters and clams. In the sun all day. And you're in the sun.

But, you know, there's rides. And it's basically, it's like, you remember in Alice in Wonderland, the walrus that tricked all the oysters and then ate them? You get to do that. You know, you get to trick all the oysters and then you eat them. Sentient oysters. I love it. It's a brutal scene now that I think about it.

Sun-baked, all full of raw clams. The worst part is we glue your arms to your body. And your legs together. Can't you just be wrapped with bandages? They have to do the fighting pits because the walruses, they need their land. And then there's the nap

dock, which I can't wait. You're already tired. First one on the nap dock and dies of a heart attack. Huge people laying on a dock and the heat. Just getting burnt in the attack. Huge people laying on a dock. And the heat. Just getting burnt in the heat. Down in beautiful Coney Island.

And there was stinking oysters in Coney Island. You're the only person on the face of the planet that says the word beautiful. Coney Island is beautiful. I'm with Eddie on Coney. One of my favorite places in the whole world. It's delightful and trashy. It's fun, Coney Island.

I welcome the shanty songs. I welcome the pirate shanty songs for sure. Malachi? Malachi. Oh, yeah. My music festival will be Malachi is real as fuck music festival. Fuck what you used to go to. This is about to get real.

And that's the title. I really love it. It seems very aggressive. Yeah. It seems very large band. Because people need to understand, man. I'm not a young kid anymore. I've been awakened to a lot of shit. And other people need to understand, man. I'm not a young kid anymore. I've been awakened

to a lot of shit and other people need to understand this is real life. This is not a game. So when you come in, you will get free drugs.

Everybody's going to get drugs. Probably Molly or XC or something like that. And everybody gets in. It's the same drug.

Yeah. But, you know, they don't know that, man. And I think you need to come to my fucking festival, man. It's not a game. So you get inside and there and there will be an actual set list. Like there'll be bands there.

Big bands, man. Like Katy Perry is going to be there. It's going to get halfway through a song. Firework. The song cuts off the middle. We come and walk onto the stage. Shoot Katy Perry in her head. She dies on stage.

Everybody's still doing drugs. What's going on? What's happening right now? All you kids need to wake the fuck up because this is real. This is what happens in real life. Katy Perry just died on stage right in front of you. You're out here doing drugs trying to have a good time. There's people dying in Africa right now. We all get on a bus. We go to Africa. We hang out with little kids.

It finally became really extreme everybody still on drugs this festival is actually in South Africa starts there that's how we go back to Africa on the bus we're already right there ends with a bunch of kids screaming in a bus and drowning after Joey fest liabilities involved well wake the fuck up man there's liabilities in the world that's what I'm trying to teach everybody have fun she has to come back yeah no you don't get to come you might get to come back but if you do guess what your guys are gonna be open to some real ass shit man welcome to the world welcome to this festival

now go and you can't enjoy yourself after that after your eyes have been open to all this shit so have the hot dog stands been closed down alright no such thing as hot dogs man we don't know what they are did you guys know that

oh am I saying an unpopular thing? I can't wait to go to Malachi Rune's Ecstasy Festival. Yeah. Oh, my God. Just with those mobile water buses that go across the states on the water bus. Yeah, they have a great time. You have a great time. Katy Perry's dead.

Devastating. Devastating. She'll invent just ruined. TJ runs on stage and looks at her titties. I did it. I did it. Finally. Is that real?

Real. It's real. What the fuck? I think I'm going to go Walrus Fest. All right. Walrus Fest is the big winner. All right. Walrus Fest is the big winner. All right, man. I'm out of here.

All right, TJ, thanks so much for being here. Check out TJ's podcast, Unlimited Lives, right here on Cave Comedy Radio. Thank you, Ben. Malachi Nimmons, anything going on for you, bud? Check me out. I'm going to be on HBO's Crashing starring Pete Holmes. A friend of Roundtable, Jermaine Fowler, is on that show, too. We worked together a little bit.

Hell yeah. Yeah, I did it, too. Oh, shit. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, man. We're going to be together, working together. I don't know when that's going to come out. Hopefully we don't get cut out and then we sound like a bunch of assholes.

I mean, I probably will be, but I don't give a damn, man. I got a check. Hell yeah. That's it. Real as fuck. Hell yeah. Fuck your screens. I got a bank account, motherfucker.

All right. We'll talk to you soon. I got a bank account, motherfucker. All right. We'll talk to you soon. Anything you want to say, Eddie? Murderfish show July 9th, 9.30 p.m. at the pit. Twitch, Holdenators Home. Yeah, yeah. Catcher, I'm writing bullshit on Dorkly these days, too. Oh, are you?

Hell yeah. Good sell, Holden. It's mediocre at best. Okay. The Lucky Phone Show. Oh, yeah, Mixalot.com slash Marcus Parks. Go listen to my music show there. Go watch Fox News, everybody. Fox News. I said it.

Greatest channel in America. Such a great channel. True American channel. It's in there. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to CaveComedyRadio.com.