The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 293: Call Me Obama

Episode Date: July 12, 2016

The gang is joined by Chris Laker and Julie Rosing to discuss a goat parades, learn about a whole lot of Pokemon-Go related crimes, and ponder some mysterious Chinese tourists.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

Eddie, I think you have to pray. It's my turn to pray. All right, so in the name of the Father and the Son and the enchanted celestial being. Dear. Get on with it. I'm trying to figure out who I'm going to pray to. Peter.

Peter. Archangel Peter. Dear Archangel Peter, how you doing? You're the gatekeeper of heaven. How you doing? I hope things are going well. I hope you're denying people as much as you're letting them in. I hope purgatory's doing fine.

And this is more of a check-in than a request. So just let me know how you're doing and give me a call back. In the name of the Father and the Son. You just aggravated the guy. All right, so this is the round table, gentlemen. Jackie is not here. I guess, Laker, are you officially replacing her?

In which case, you have to mention you're a squirty bird and you have to talk about I don't even know what. Chris Laker, how are you? I'm well. Yeah, I'm the new Jackie. Alright. I've kicked her out. Okay. Nice. And now let me ask you something. As the new Jackie, how do you feel about the Chinese?

Alright, we'll move on. Thank you, Eddie. Well, we've got a story coming on later where, you know, he can give his opinion. Chinese are great people, great culture. They respect their elders. They've been around for a while. They have an overpopulation problem. Sneaky bunch.

Yeah, they are sneaky. Well, that's more of the Japanese. Yeah, ninjas. More than ninjas. I mean, Hawaii. They tried to take out Hawaii, the most beautiful place in the world. What's wrong with you? And it's like, you know, it's full of Polynesians.

Dude, really? Organizing that sneaky, man. Chinese are more like barefoot in the train type people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're just like, take you out by numbers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, different opinions here than I should. Ahmed! Alright, thank you, Eddie, for being yourself. Holdenators,

hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooators hooooooooo um apologies Did you not bring the Playstation? I fucked it up again. Dude you can't do double next week. I'm doing W dude I'm definitely doing W More people like bring in stuff when you say you're gonna do doubles. I got a bunch of people who wanted me to say their

stoof on this show. Now, pick your three favorites. They love it. Pick your... You can't say yes to everybody. That's your biggest problem in life. Approximately 360 fans cannot be incorrect. All right, so Holden, you have nothing to add to the show today.

Well, you know, I got some to-dos going on. Yeah? Yeah. One to-do. One to-do? Just one. Lexi's out of town and I've been playing Witcher 3 probably about 20 hours on that. What's the difference of when Lexi is in town?

She tells me to go to bed at an earlier time than I get to bed. I don't know why she's with you. I'm having such a hard time getting in that bed before 3am. I'll tell you that much. And I'm just playing games and living life. I don't like you. All right. Good job, Eddie.

That is correct. Kevin, you're here. I'm here, man. What's up? My name is Kevin, and I'm here. That's about it. All right. Very nice, Kev.

I'm Ben, and then we got Julie Rosen with us as well. Hey, Ed Larson's other half, solid 9.5 coming in. 9.8, baby. Is that what you said? You gave her a 9.8 out of 10? Wait, wait, no. Didn't you give her a bad score? Give her a 9.8.

That one flipped out. I thought you gave her like an 8.6. It was a 9.8. Hold on one second. So you are overweight. You have adult preset on diabetes. There's no doubt, right? There's a timer over his head, yes.

I'm going to get the diabetes. I talked about it yesterday. You'll lose all of your toes at some point. No, no, no. I have four toes. What? Actually, do you want to start a pool? I'm going four toes.

How many toes Eddie will lose? You're going four toes. I'm going to go. My father just lost a foot. Wow. Well, I'm going six toes. How many toes Eddie will lose you're going four toes. I'm gonna go my father just lost a foot Wow, well, I'm going six toes Worse yeah, sure you're much more unhealthy than your father. I mean a foot and a toe is what you're saying It's one foot and one toe. Okay. I'll take it. I'll take an over-under on that Nor of you, but I really like it. I set you up. That was amazing. That was a set up.

That's a thing in a pop. We're roasted. It's a roasting type show. It's a bit roasty. We get a little roasty. But we get along. At heart, we love each other. We always hug at the end.

After we turn off the recording, we have a big fun group hug for about 15 minutes. We're very upsetting. You're a 10 out of 10. Yeah. And Laker, of course. We have a big, fun group hug for about 15 minutes. We're very upset. You're a 10 out of 10. Yeah. And Laker, of course. Yeah, we already got to you. Okay, Marcus, you're here. Now we should do a news story, I suppose.

Laker, do you know your dad? Yeah, I know him. You like him? Yeah, you know, he fucking got colon cancer, so you got to be really nice. Lace can't be like, fuck you. It's like, he's going you know, he fucking got colon cancer, so you gotta be really nice. Like, he can't be like, fuck you. It's like, he's gonna be fine now. They took out the colon.

Yeah, whatever. Yeah, but he never really liked ass stuff anyway, so he's fine. Oh, yeah. Well, he just had a small hiccup along with him. A small hiccup on the dookie trail there. Yeah. That's too bad. All right, Marcus, I guess we could do a news story, unless you want to talk about your father or Kevin or

anyone who can really talk about their parents at this point in the show. My dad was a drunk, but now he's fine. That's true? We know. We went through it. We all went through it. All right. We're starting off this week with goat news.

All right. Yeah. Get off that roof, little goat. Yeah. Get off that roof, little goat. The Lithuanian village of Ramjagala held its annual beauty pageant on Sunday, the top prize going to a 16-month-old female goat called Dimit or Lil Spot. Oh, I like it. Around 500 people braved the summer heat to attend the parade in honor of the goat,

a traditional symbol of the northern village. The pageant also included a marching band, dancers in fancy costumes, and a king and queen presiding over ceremonies. Eddie, on a scale of 1 to 10, what do you give this goat? I'm just laughing at the... I'm looking at Marcus's... over Marcus's shoulder

and the only picture on the computer right now is a child holding a bazooka. Well, no. That's an unrelated story. Why are we not talking about that? Yeah, why are we talking about that? It actually does seem like a better story. It sounds like a thing we should be discussing right now. It's a totally unrelated story.

Are we going to get to the baby holding the bazooka? We're doing goat news. This is the problem with the media today. They want to shovel aside the important stuff for goat news. Well, you love goat parades, Holden. I am a huge fan of goat parades. You wrote a song about it. And I pretended to be the king.

They did not fall for it. That's good. Yeah, that's the thing. But yeah, I have tried to judge goats at goat festivities before, and they don't like it. If you're not an official judge. Yes, if you're not an official judge. How did you try to judge? I just wore a shirt that said Juge.

I spelled it wrong. With like J-E-W? Yes. I was like, hey, there's so many goats. I think it is weird that we're sexualizing goats. Yeah. It's strange to me. Are they in bikinis?

I don't know. I can't find goats hot just because my mom was a goat. Yeah, I know what you're saying. Same here. But the idea of rating a pretty goat versus a non-pretty goat, they're goats. And a 16-month-old goat at that. That's a young goat. That's a young-ass goat.

What were all the rounds of the pageant? What was the... Well, it was the first time that Demetri's owner, 74-year-old retired veterinarian, Ferdinandus Petcovicius. Strange name, but also accurate for a veterinarian. Absolutely. It was the first time he'd won the competition after six years of trying. Wow. What do you think the sexiest animal is?

Pig. What? Snake. Snake. Snake? Snake? Yeah. I was going to go panther.

Panther? Yeah. Panther's sexy. Panther like. I was going to go panther. Panther? Yeah. Panther's sexy. Panthers more. They just sound sexy, man. You say panther, you get hard. Kevin. Noobs.

Sexiest bird. Sexiest bird? Ooh, peregrine falcon, man. Really? Yeah. But how do you decide when an animal is sexy? I mean, obviously we don't want to- Is that a noob sex?

What part of it would you most like to fuck? No, but no one has sex with animals like that. What animal are you horniest obviously, we don't want to... What part of it would you most like to fuck? No one has sex with animals like that. What animal are you horniest for? I don't know. I mean, but there is... You gotta go pig.

If a man held a... If a little child held a bazooka to your head and said, you have to fuck an animal and any animal will do, which one are you going to go for?

Oh, man. I can't answer that. Laker? Well, this goat sounds pretty good. Yeah. Goat's definitely doing work right now. It's winning a prize.

That's true. Oh, that's true. But pig, it's got the skin. No, pig. It's got human skin? Smells like shit. It's got human skin, but the closest vagina to a human vagina is a sheep's vagina. Oh.

That's why the Croatians are always fucking the sheep. And I do want to point out that Marcus did not Google that. That was just information off the top of his head. He just absolutely knew that bizarre answer to a question that really no one asked. I read a lot. I guess so. Also, you got to be prepared for situations like that. You never know when you want to ruin a first date.

That's the thing. We're not talking about who's got the most human-like pussy. We're saying sexiest animal. If you're going to fuck an edible, why go for a human-like pussy? Yeah. Go for the most edible pussy you can get. Take a walk in the wild side. Fucking dolphins, man.

Orangutan would be nice. But then you're going more for a human-like animal. I say bird because they have cloacas you can't get you can't get any further away from a vagina i do what's a cloaca again uh they piss and shit out of the same hole you want that i'm not saying i want it i'm just saying if you want i'm taking the you know chris's line of reasoning that if you want something distinctly inhuman a cloaca is the way to go. You can't see the look in his eye. How about a rock? Julie did choose snake, which is just nature's

dildo, which is very interesting that you chose a snake to have sex with. Very good. No, wait a second. I'm not saying that I want to have sex with a snake. I'm just saying that when I look at a snake, it's like sexy. It's like slithering. It's like it moves. Nothing like me. Not at all.

She described Axl Rose from 1993. If she had chosen a bear, we would have known that true love is real. Right. She wants the opposite of you. Although you guys always both kind of look wet, but aren't. Isn't that interesting? I look... As you say, I look...

No, snakes and Eddie. Me and snakes. It's like the two of us. No, no. You're dating Eddie. I'm not even going to go to the fact how dry you are. I'm not doing that joke. You haven't picked an animal, Ben.

I'm not going to pick one. Why not? I don't want to. You have to. Gun to your head. You're going to take the bullet. I will take the bullet. Really?

Don't you have to take the mascot of your workplace, the bald eagle? That's true. I will take the bald eagle. See, you're an american patriot cloaca you're going for the cloaca i'm going for patriotism well back to the goat parade uh pet keviceus the guy who won with his goat he said the only thing we didn't do to prepare the goat for the pageant is we didn't polish its nails because we thought of it too late. Oh, they get dirty so easily, too. I didn't know they had nails.

I thought it was hooves. What other grooming things are there of a goat? They put flowers on it. And the hair. I think you have to comb the hair and things like that. Brush the teeth. Absolutely. Yeah.

Six goats decorated with flowers were paraded on a red carpet before a jury comprising the local members of parliament, the head of the local school, and a cucumber farmer. You think they'd bleach out its ass? Well, honestly, I swear I was watching Westminster on YouTube. I was Googling it and watching some competitions. It's fun. And it is fun. You'd fuck a dog.

I would not have sex with a dog. You would slap so many dogs. Dirty slamming those dogs. Oh, leave the dogs alone. You've done everything else to them. Oh, my goodness. I feed them and take care of them. You've done everything else to them. Oh my goodness. I feed them and take care of them. You knew he had a dog, but you wouldn't fuck it.

You do the old peanut butter trick with the dog? Oh, take it easy. What is wrong with you perverts? But the people who check out these dogs, it is kind of weird. The judge's mentality of animal competitions. Beauty competitions. Yeah, no, they have to be thinking about the butthole because it's fully on display.

They spent a lot of time looking at it. Yeah. So, I don't know. Yeah, well, I mean, it's a sign of health of the animal. Throw some bleach through it. Yeah, I mean, I agree with you. But you can't get it too far in because then it gets in its bowels. Good point, Eddie.

Point to you. Thank you. I will take it. I cannot wait. I wouldn't want nothing. Yeah, you are. You are, because that's the only point that's going to be given, because I'm not fucking Chris Hardwick.

This is a funny show. You look like him, though. No, I don't. Not at all. His bank account is much larger than mine. Well, as far as that red carpet. Not his head. No, not his head.

He's such a fucking nerd. I know. I actually have to like Chris Hardwick, simply because he was in House of a Thousand Corpses, which is my favorite Rob Zombie movie. Yeah, and he's buddies with Rob Zombie. He has him on his show all the time. Well, then I must like him. Yeah.

I like, whatchamacallit, Single That Was Fun, too. Oh, yeah, Single That Was Good. Single That Was Fun, yeah. Yeah, Judy McCarthy, I like that. Man, I would definitely watch that show just for her tits. As would we all. Yeah. Interesting hot take.

I mean, do you remember just sitting around watching MTV waiting for tits so you could jerk off? Yeah. Yeah, totally. Yeah. And that's the other thing about Singled Out is that you wouldn't just get Jenny McCarthy's tits. You'd also get the tits of the contestants. Of the contestants. That's right.

Yeah, but you were always guaranteed Jenny McCarthy's tits. Yes, yeah. It's crazy that no matter how many, however old you get, no matter how many you see, it's still like, oh, shit. Every time. It's very exciting. Literally, I looked out my window the other day

and there was a girl sitting on a stoop that I hadn't seen before. I said, oh, shit, a bitch. I said that out loud. It's like, why? Why does that happen? You can't escape this. I am very happy with this brawless

trend of this summer in Williamsburg. No bras allowed. It's anti-feminism to have a bra, so I'm very encouraged by the... Anti-feminist? I guess it's some feminist thing. That's what they say. Do you? You mean it's pro-feminist? I think it's just more comfortable.

More comfortable for everyone. Well, I'm uncomfortable because I'm trying to hide my big boner running down the street. Well, back to the red carpet of our goat parade. Apparently, several contestants stubbornly refused to walk and were instead carried by their owners.

They lost, right? Oh, yeah, of course. You think a little spot was carried down the road by Mr. Petcavesius? Absolutely not. And speaking of the winner, cakes, jars of honey,

books, and coupons for a haircut were awarded to the winner's owner. Not one of those things are for a goat. The goat won the contest. That's not true. Goats eat books. They eat cans. They love books. That is a classic, traditional

goat situation. They love cans. Cakes. A goat will eat a cake. They will eat grass. They will eat trash. There's a jar of honey. You can pour the honey on trash and he'd be perfectly okay with it. In fact, he'd like it more. I don't know. That goat's a stew now.

You know, he got fucked by the mayor and now it's food. You think so? Yeah. What do you think they have the goats for? They don't make them friends. They're going to eat them. You don't murder a beauty contestant after it gets crowned. I think this goat is royalty.

JonBenet. I mean, look at this. That's a good point. Bring up JonBenet. That's a good point. Hold up JonBenet. That's a good point. Hold it. Can't argue that. You actually get a point.

You and any of your time. Yeah. Yeah. Well, take a look at this little goat. It's an award-winning goat. That is a sexy ass goat. It's a male goat. I mean, I was expecting more flowers, more like embellishments or something.

Like, what's that? Less horns. No, not when you got that body. Yeah. I mean, well, this is Lithuania. They're not the richest of countries. No. I mean, the first prize was a coupon for a haircut. They're lucky to have goats.

I'm gonna say, yeah, free haircut. A coupon for a haircut. A coupon for a free haircut. Oh, it was for a free haircut. Well, actually, no. It just says coupons for a haircut. So it could just be a discount on a haircut. Oh, it was for a free haircut. Well, actually, no. It just says coupons for a haircut. It's 5% off. So it could just be a discount on a haircut. Yeah.

Yeah. Two shillings off. That is tough. That's a tough life they have there. But they got all those textiles. That's correct. And they'll sell those. In Latvia?

Lithuania will be fine. Lithuania is doing great. Lithuania is a textile country? It was when I was a child in my textbook, I remember. I think. That's all you remember? No, I remember all kinds of other stuff. About Lithuania, that is the only thing I remember.

Number one memory of your childhood textbooks, Eddie? Number one memory of my childhood textbooks, probably we won the Civil War. Well, it was a war against ourselves. Very good. Yes. Marcus's textbooks called it the, what was it,

the War of Northern Aggression. No, it was not. We studied Texas history. Oh, I see. We were required by law to study Texas history. We were required by law to study Florida history.

Oh my God. Which was, it came with a gun and it came with... A lot of Tom Petty. Yeah, a lot star. Florida history. Oh, my God. Which was, it came with a gun. A lot of Tom Petty. Yeah, a lot of Tom Petty. Jimmy Buffett. He came with a bottle of beer. Yeah.

A picture of George Zimmerman, and they're just like, you don't know why you hate him yet, but you will. Well, let's Florida love him, though. Oh, I know. Really? It's a terrible part. Oh, some people like George Zimmerman. I mean, they're just awful human beings. He's such a fat.

He's a pud. He is a pud. Well, let's go from Florida. Let's go from Lithuania. Let's go over to England. England? This is a curious tale. It rains all the time there.

I've heard that. Mistaken identity and a covert social experiment are among reasons suggested for the sudden appearance of tourists in an Oxfordshire village. Coachloads of sightseers in the village of Kiddlington have been seen posing for photos in front of gardens and against parked cars, but the locals have no idea why. This is extremely creepy. It is an invasion of tourists without any motivation for them being there. And they're all changed, right? And they're all Chinese.

And they're all... What is happening? It must have been like in some show. They're like, oh, in Oxfordshire. They probably picked a town in England out of a hat. Maybe. Put it on a show. They put it on, you know...

You think a Chinese news media ran show had a detective program, perhaps, or something like that? Something, yeah. From the UK? And their famous person was from there or something. Okay. And apparently they're making themselves at home. One said that tourists have repeatedly knocked on his door asking to use their bathroom. Wow, that's a disservice.

But he was doing it with hand signals because none of them speak English. Otherwise, they'd be able to ask them what the fuck they were doing there. I wish this was a visual medium so Holden could show us what the hand signals look like. Yeah, I know. I was about to say. I wonder what those... Yeah, probably just like a... They were asking for a Coke? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Because they wouldn't use the bathroom. Yeah, that old. It sounds like a Chinese improv everywhere. Huh? Be Chinese, we play joke. Oh, that old. It sounds like a Chinese improv everywhere kind of thing. Me Chinese, we play joke. Oh, I still pee pee in the Coke. I never heard that before. What?

Kevin and I have fathers that really loved us. You never heard me Chinese, me play joke, me go pee pee in your Coke? No, never. One of the most amateur. Julie? No, no, no, yeah. Have you never heard this, Kevin? I haven't heard it, man. I've. Never heard of that. One of the most amateur. No, no, no. Yeah. Have you never heard this, Kevin?

I haven't heard it, man. I've heard a lot of things. It's like around the corner fudges made. It's like the first joke they're taught in school. I have never heard that before in my life. Milk, milk. You've never? No.

Absolutely not. Milk, milk, lemonade or PP in the coat? Neither. Me Chinese, me play joke. Me go PP in your coat. In your eyes. Extremely racist. neither Chinese meat play joke me go pee pee in your coke in your eyes I've never

understood it what do you mean there's nothing to understand he's a Chinese person he's a trickster why is he pissing in the coke I'll get funny it's not a joke. And that's like the level of joking that Chinese people do?

I'll get to the bottom of this. Do they have? Chinese people didn't do that themselves. I don't think they have stand-up. It wasn't the Chinese that wrote that. But the joke happens after because essentially the idea is that the person just took a sip of it right before they say it. So that's what's funny about it. You give somebody a sip of Coke, and then you basically say that you claim to be Chinese,

although usually this is not said by a Chinese person, and claim to have peed in the Coke. But you didn't. Well, now I kind of get it, and I do see the humor behind it. But it's wrong, though, man. Chinese aren't sneaky. It's the Japanese. Japanese. We went over this. Yeah, we've already talked about this. Well, you ask a Japanese person aren't sneaky. It's the Japanese. Japanese. We went over this.

Yeah, we've already talked about this. Well, you ask a Japanese person, they're going to say the opposite. They don't like the Chinese. It's Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these. I've heard of that one solely, again, because of House of a Thousand Corpses. Actually, that was Devil's Reject. That was Devil's Reject. What do you think the Asian listenership of this podcast is?

Very high. In that there's one Asian guy who was extremely stoned. In the UK, they have a variation which is, Me don't know, me can't tell, me ring bell and run like hell. That's Ding Dong Ditch. And another variation was me Chinese, me no dumb, me put cork in doggies bum.

Well, how does that make for a smart person? It's better to cook them. And that's actually not racist. That is okay. I don't mind it. I'm so pro them eating dogs if that makes their culture fulfilled, then I'm fine with it.

I really had a hard time dealing with it, but it doesn't matter. We eat India's God. Yeah, it does not matter. Six billion served in McDonald's. And other people are coming in trying to shut it down. Other people outside of the country. Don't they, like, take people's dogs? No.

No. No, we're so short. They take their daughters. No, that's Christmas. Christmas, we're so short. They take their daughters. No, that's Christmas. Christmas, they're Santa Claus. Santo Claus goes around and he steals the dogs from all the houses, but he gives them back. Yeah.

They're bones anyway. Yeah, they're bones. He returns the bones to the Chinese stocking, which is just corn leaves. Good job, old man. And there's another variation from a joke in which a Chinese man on a camel arrives at his destination faster than anyone else.

He says, Me Chinese, me no dumb, me put cork in camel's bum, he go poot, me go zoom, that how me get here so soon. That is actually kind of funny. I was talking to an Egyptian Uber driver the other day go Zoom, that how me get here so soon. That is actually kind of funny. I was talking to an Egyptian Uber driver the other day and he said that he

doesn't like riding camels, he likes riding horses. And so did you pose that question to him? How do you like riding fucking camels, EG? Was that how you said it? Egypt and all the camels? He told me he rode camels.

Oh, I see. And I asked him, is it better than a horse? And he said, oh, no. Very bumpy, as he said. Bit of a bumper. Oh, right. Interesting. Yeah, that makes perfect sense.

Makes complete sense. They're stupid. And their humps are not full of water. What are they filled with? Other things. Oh, like meat and shit? Probably like what my cysts are full of, like dead skin cells. Oh.

Could be, yeah. Well, resident Nick Allington, back to this mystery over in this English town about all the Chinese tourists coming and visiting them in droves. He said that the tourists asked one family in town if they could cut the grass in their garden. Unprompted. And no one knows why.

That is so strange. Yeah, the tourists who have been showing up for three weeks now were first identified in Bin Mee Road and the Moors. They are a short walk from thatched cottages and an old church, but prefer taking photos of themselves outside modern houses. So they're not going there for like the quaint old tourist destinations usually people go to for English vacations. It's just people's houses. That is very bizarre. I mean, if you're this town, are you happy or displeased?

I mean, are they making money off of these people anyway? Maybe it's a scavenger hunt. Could be. Maybe they're playing Pokemon Go. Yeah. Oh. It's all the rage these days. Think about Pokemon Go.

Oh, my God. Pokemon Go. Really, Pokemon Go, your thoughts? You sound like such a dad to this. Pokemon Go. I was just introduced right before this to it, and it kind of blew my mind. It's cool. I caught a little creature in their little back patio.

In our back patio. You're playing it, Olin? I just showed it, so I'm not really playing it. Oh, you're going to play it. Oh, I might be playing it. Oh, you're disgusting. I might be playing it, Ben. Oh, you don't even give me a rose right now.

I might be catching it. Don't try to change the subject. I'm not changing it anywhere. I want to talk about playing Pokemon Go for the rest of this episode. Well, then do it. Actually, I've got a Pokemon Go story. Whoa. Let's do it.

Yeah. A Pokemon Go player had made a grisly discovery while visiting a local river in search of digital critters. Yes. Wyoming resident Shayla Wiggins, 19, spotted a body floating in the Big Wind River while searching for aquatic Pokemon under a bridge yesterday. Was it a Pokemon that she found? It was a dead body.

It was a man. I see. She said, I was walking towards the bridge along the shore. Can't Pokey that, man. Your finger go right through it. That's a good point. Holden, you get a point. Did she?

Yeah, thank you. Two to one. Two points. 9.8. 9.8. Ms. Wiggins said I was walking toward the bridge along the shore

when I saw something in the water. I had to take a second look and I realized it was a body. Mrs. Wiggins, who said the body was that of a man,

immediately called emergency services. An investigation, who said the body was that of a man, immediately called emergency services. An investigation was launched, and the body was removed from the water by authorities. Ooh, that is an interesting find. Never jog, never go out anywhere that requests you to be in an environment that isn't in Applebee's. It is never good. I thought you said TGI Fridays before we started this show.

I went to TGI Fridays, I go to we started this show I went to TGI Fridays I go to Applebee's I go to TGI Fridays when I'm at work what do you think is best oh man you can't argue with Applebee's

because they have apps you like them more I like TGI Fridays more than I like Applebee's the food is so bad Applebee's has half off apps and I think we can't you know we can't

throw that away but it's bad I'm fascinated by this man if all the apps are half off that's just the price of the app that is true don't be a fucking idiot about it I'm fascinated by this, man. If all the apps are half off, that's just the price of the app.

That is true. Don't be a fucking idiot about it. You're half off. I mean, yeah, sometimes they have double the price apps. And then you're like, you don't go there then. Why would you go there then? You don't go there then. You go in as half off apps, which tends to be most of the day.

Why would you ever go? Whatever. No, I'm a huge Apple of the day. What did you ever go? Whatever. No, I'm a huge Applebee's fan. Massive. What happened to you? Yeah, what? What do you mean? Why don't you treat yourself better? Are you insane?

The other day, I did a Cat Tim's podcast. She's a great person. And we went to Applebee's, and I got the quesadilla. And then they give you a boneless buffalo chicken wing and a mozzarella stick. I put it all inside of the quesadilla, dipped it in sour cream, dipped it in artichoke dip. And now he's a fucking idiot. You guys are idiots. How did it taste? Oh, my God.

It was just salty. Good. Like a gunk. Like a gunk. Like a bit of a gunk. Like a. Like a gunk. Like a gunk. Like a bit of a gunk. Like a really gunky gunk. But man, it was good as shit. And everyone was like, I don't want to talk to you.

Ben, what do I do to not be such a stupid idiot? Stupid gunk, please. You know, yeah. Well, I mean, I just feel like overall, you know, you've got to figure out when to go to places, when they have the best deals, and the best service. I brought Eddie to Applebee's many times. He never wants to go. He doesn't think the food is good. I feel like the service there is just like a lost souls.

No, they're wonderful. They're getting jobs. They're making money. I tip Applebee's employees so well. Oh, absolutely. Laker, favorite chain restaurant? Applebee's is all right. Chili well. Oh, absolutely. Laker, favorite chain restaurant? Ah, man. Applebee's is all right.

Chili's. I got to go Chili's. Get that queso. Get the queso. They don't even have chili. Macarena town. Marcus, can you Google the Chili's menu? They do not have chili.

But it's about chili peppers. It's about chili peppers. It's about the baby back ribs. Yeah, baby back the baby back ribs. I used to like the baby back ribs, but they don't serve that cinnamon apple stuff that they used to serve. Margarita Monday. Oh, I love that shit.

That's the whole reason I get the rib. Yeah. No, Chili's is disgusting. Chili's is more disgusting than Applebee's. I don't know if it always was disgusting, but it definitely is now. I went to a Chili's recently and had a pretty rough time. You can't go to a chain restaurant in New York City.

They're all disgusting here. Yes. You got to go to a suburban town where there's no hope, and that's the best job you could fucking get. I say that more. That's where the strip clubs are the best and the best chain restaurants. I will agree that is where the strip clubs are the best in smaller towns. All of that. Anything where it's just like, you go to fast food here, you get McDonald's or something

in the city. It's horrible. Shit is dry, way too salty. Every time I get off the plane, if I'm going to Florida, my first stop is a McDonald's or some shit. Oh, there's a middle-aged man with a smile on his face serving you. Like, I'm going to move up here. This is opportunity.

That shit is fucking gourmet. The McDonald's I used to go to in Charlotte, North Carolina. It was two stories. They had patios outside. It was beautiful. It was very nice. And that's why I'm so concerned when the robots start making all of our sandwiches at these fast food places. They already are.

They already are. They do the exact right amount that the company recommends to make the burger. I got fired from Taco Bell. I was giving people double sour cream. They would only come when I was working. That's how much they loved the gorditas I got fired from Taco Bell. I was giving people double sour cream. They would only come when I was working. That's how much they loved the gorditas I was creating. These machines are just going to go by the book and all this

fast food stuff is going to fall downhill. You're a chef. I was one. How do you think they referred to you? Because they didn't know your name if you were working in the back. If they only came when you were working. Big creamy guy. Yeah, big fat dude who looks like he knows how to eat. That's the thing.

When I worked at the Greek food restaurant, the pita-ria back in Tallahassee, Florida, we would all get... Pita-ria. Pita-ria. We'd get really stoned in the freezer and, man, we hooked that shit. Dude, when I worked at Pizza Hut,

I would put two cheese sticks in the stuffed crust when it got invented. I was on the front lines. I'll never forget the day when we started stuffing crust. You made the stuffed crust? I was making the stuffed crust. I was making the stuffed crust when it got invented I was on the front lines and I'll never forget the day we had started stuffing crust I was making the stuffed crust no bro you have to roll it in and I would put two

mod sticks in there cause that's all they were were mozzarella sticks on bread is that code for mozzarella sticks? yeah bro and I fucking crushed it and people were like this is the best pizza I ever had and they fired my ass why did they fire you though? I was wasting product fuck him just play so good it was so good

comedians back then would be like oh you're putting cheese in the way yes oh my god Jerry the whole thing up clean what's the best stuff crushes that shit is amazing man it's not gonna change my life Jerry Seinfeld was none of the right side of history when it came to cheese and pizzas.

Absolutely not. You know what? Also, you know what? In addition to that, fuck Jim Gavigan, man. Hot Pockets is wonderful. Yes. Hot Pockets are wonderful. Fuck that dude, man.

You like Hot Pockets? Yeah, I like Hot Pockets. They're not good. Hot Pockets are great. Hot Pockets are fantastic. I don't like them. If you have a problem with a Hot Pocket, it's your fault. It's a user error.

You fucked up in the microwave. Julie, your thoughts on the Hot Pockets? No, Hot Pockets are like the next level up from Tostino's Pizza Rolls. Good point. That's like the adult version. Yep, and Tostino's Pizza Rolls. Although I still love those. Oh, I love them.

And if you make Tostino's Pizza Rolls, your friends will come and clean your bedroom. I like pizza bagels. Pizza bagels are the most disgusting thing that's ever happened. I like pizza bagels. That's what you liked? disgusting thing that's ever happened. I like pizza bagels. That's what you liked? Yeah, I like that. They had a good theme song too. We got pizza on the bagels.

Pizza in the town. It was great. Yeah, it's good. It's the most musical I've ever seen you. We've literally watched him play music before. On a keyboard.

You know, we actually got two Pokemon Go stories today. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's go all in. The new augmented reality game Pokemon Go has gotten people off the couch and into the real world, but police in O'Fallon, Missouri say that four men have used the game to find players at a specific location and rob them using a handgun. That's fun. Oh, man. I mean, I love it them using a handgun. That's fun.

Oh, man. It's for everybody. That makes sense. It is for everybody. I love the idea of someone going out on a quest for a fictitional character and just having a real-life situation placed in front of them. Well, you know they at least got an iPhone 6. Oh, yeah.

That's the thing. That's what I was about to say. That's why it's so smart because You know that they have at least that. And it does seem like a game that rich dickheads play. Yeah. Totally. I'm a piece of shit. Yes. About 8 or 9 people have been robbed by 4 men over the past couple of days.

The latest robbery occurred Sunday morning at around 2am by the men in a black BMW before they were finally apprehended by police. The suspects used the Pokemon Go game to find their victims by anticipating where people might go through popular PokeStops. Yep, hotspots, PokeStops,

training centers, you know exactly where to fucking go. Virtual sites in the game that can be designated at any real world location. Flip the thing and get a Pokeball. Creek in the Cave is a stop. It better not be. No, right here. I've seen people here in the creek, you know, getting their Pokemans. Yep, you can come over here and spin the little medallion for the Creek in the Cave, and you

get a bunch of Pokeballs. Mm-hmm. And then you can play some pinball, and then you can order a burrito. But they don't. They just do that, and they leave. And then have a very dark conversation with a woman in the corner of the bar. For sure. Listen, I don't know how to behave.

Just happy to have her here. It's a dark place. It's a very dark place for dark people to congregate and sort of corner people and just be very upsetting to them. Yes, for all the fans who have come and seen the venue, you'll understand. Right. So, but the robbers had a BMW? them. Yes. For all the fans who have come and seen the venue, you'll understand. Right. So, but the robbers had a BMW? Yes. Interesting.

They did have a BMW. And they were all kids for the most part. They were Shane Michael Backer, 18, Brett William Miller, 17, and Jameen James D. Warner, 18. Wow, they released a 17-year-old's name. Is that legal? They're being charged as adults, so yes. Charged as adults because they rob people playing Pokemon? That is retarded.

Is that a kid with a neck tattoo? Hold on, put that photo back up, Marcus. I got to get a real insight. I mean, these kids are criminals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that like a full front neck tattoo on that kid in the middle? It is. We got two black dudes and a white dude in the middle.

That dude is Puerto Rican almost, though. I mean, this is actually really... I agree. We have a Puerto Rican, a white dude, and a black dude. It's an incredibly diverse drop in trail, man. This is a college brochure of robbery. For a prison somewhere. I mean, they just wanted their robbery to be reported by Gizmodo.

Yeah. They're looking for a viral tie-in. They have marketing skills. But you know what's so sad? The white kid wanted to be seen as such a rebel, and his skin color just wasn't doing it for him. He had to get the neck tattoo. If you're black or Hispanic, you can go tattoo-free,

and you're immediately a badass. This white kid really had to go the extra mile. Sad for him. Very sad. Now, these people deserve to be charged as adults. Oh, yeah, they're pretty much all adults. It's like one thing to get a neck tattoo, but it's another thing to get a throat tattoo. Like on the front.

Yeah, like right over the Adam's apple. Like that's like some sensitive shit. That's insane. That's where your jugular is. You put a needle there, it gushes blood, you die. Oh, my God. But he chose to get a full tattoo

over his jugular. Let's all do it. Let's do it right now. You want to go get neck tattoos after this? Yeah, fuck yeah. I'm going to do Final Fantasy VII Chocobo. Let's go Cave Comedy Radio all around. Let's show our fucking allegiance. Or are you going to leave?

You eyeing Gas Digital over there, Holden? You won't commit? Yeah, I's show our fucking allegiance. Yeah. Or are you going to leave? Huh? You eyeing Gas Digital over there, Holden? You won't commit? Yeah, I'll commit. I'll get this tattoo, man. I'm definitely down. I'm down with the clown. Actually, Great Malenko right on the throat. Oh, yeah.

That would be good. I guarantee you I can find it right now. We'll each get a Joker card. Clown on the Adam's apple. We'll each get a Joker card. I'm sure that exists. I'm sick. I found it immediately. There's multiple. It's a lot of them.'ll each get a Joker card. I'm going to be fucking sick. I found it immediately.

There's multiple. It's a lot of them. There's a lot of them. Well, I found this guy with the, he has the hatchet. He's got the hatchet, man. That's a very popular ICP tattoo. And he's got a twisted tattoo on his chest, which twisted is pretty much the second. They're like the brother band to Insane Clown Posse.

This just reminded me. When I was in LA last, I went to this taping for a show and it was all in between the show shit, they had to fill time and they play all these games with these people and it was literally some of the saddest shit I've ever seen all of these people and at one point they had people up there like, oh show us your tattoos or whatever

and this guy pulls up his shirt and he has this big tattoo of his whole body of this woman. And the guy's like, oh, wow, that's beautiful. It's very detailed. He's like, oh, is that your wife? He's like, no, no, no. Is that your girlfriend?

He's like, no. Who is she? He's like, well, I went to the tattoo place, and I liked the drawing. And he had a huge tattoo on his whole body. Of a woman that meant nothing. That's like next level, like when you buy a frame and there's like a random family in the fucking frame. Like you hang it on your wall. I'm like, this is my family now. It's like, no, those people are on your body. That person's on your body now.

Yeah. The warmer cop was so confused. He was like, what? And he was like, yeah, no. I said she was the prettiest one in the store. Oh, my God. She was like, what? And he was like, yeah, no. I said, she was the prettiest one in the store. Oh. Oh. Oh, my God.

Just have some face on it. Actually, Lexi just got a tattoo, and she was like, hey, I'm getting one. I was like, well, don't get birds, because, like, every woman gets birds. And she was just, she got its birds. Its birds. What is it? Lots of birds? Just three birds, four birds on her wrist. Oh, okay.

And each one is colored in with, only one is colored in. That represents her. She got birds on her wrist. Oh, okay. And each one is colored in. Only one is colored in. That represents her. She got it with her three friends who also got the same tattoo, and they have a different one colored in. So three friends got four birds? Four friends got four birds. Okay.

Yes, it's the beginning of a riddle. Oh, okay. Four friends got four birds on their wrist. Yeah, one of them is colored in. Four tell a lie. Two tell the truth. Yeah, one of them is colored in. Four tell a lie, two tell the truth. Who survives? Yeah, who lives 20 days. So what's up with the other friends? Do you think they're going to stick around forever?

Oh, they're like totes besties. Yeah. You know, yeah, they do hand stuff and stuff. They do hand stuff? Yes. What do you mean hand stuff? Hand things in the nighttime. They got kids and shit, too.

They're already, they've been far into it now. Right. Yeah, it's a bit of a, yeah, I think it might have been like a weird sex trip for her. And I don't know if that's, I guess that's not, that's breaking the rules. She used to be a lesbian, right? Yes, she did. Right. Very much.

Hand stuff. Maybe. It's not cheating with a woman. And she told you this? Yes. On several occasions. She won't shut up about it. I went to the bathroom.

Is Holden's girlfriend cheating on him? We think so. Julie, what do you think? Hand stuff? Hand stuff. Hand stuff is like a huge part of touching. Yeah. Is hand stuff cheating?

Is hand stuff cheating with a woman? 85% touching is hand stuff. Hold on a second. What did I miss? You mean like 85% of the hand say like this. Is that hand stuff if it's just a palm? That's all hand stuff. You touch me with your hand. Maybe I should preface for a second.

I should preface. Lady, lady, lady action. This is a little caveat here. If a woman touches it. I don't do hand stuff at all. I make sure that Lexi and my hands are tied behind us before lovemaking begins. Right? So she's got to get it somewhere else.

I do no hands. I fucking hate hand stuff. Understandable then. Yeah. She was... Your name's Holden. Yes. That might be why. Shit.

Am I having a breakthrough? But you can also be holding them with your legs. Oh, shit. He did it. Good point, Kevin. So your girlfriend is having a sexual encounter with another woman. She had a fun trip with her friends. Yeah. Three other friends. They all got tattoos together.

Four birds. She's one of the birds. She's one of the birds. What color bird is she? What? Do you know? Blue. Her favorite color is purple.

Purple bird. Because of her royalty. That's my favorite color. Really? Yeah. Yeah. We got our whole, because everything's purple. It's like the chick from Breaking Bad.

Oh, Marie. Yes. Everything in that house is purple. Did Marie cheat on her boyfriend with all of her other girlfriends? Did she? No. She loved Hank. She was very dedicated to Hank. Bit of a difference.

Alright. So I guess it's a good sign. We'll call it a good thing. Yeah. Oh, it's so pot. Everything in my life's amazing. Yeah? Yeah. You would be allowed. Did she orgasm from another person? Oh, I don't. I just, you know, two words were said, hand stuff.

I was like, cool. So I'm going, you know, I've been playing a lot of video games this weekend. It could be like a massage, like a back massage. Absolutely. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Another thing I despise. I got a question for Laker.

Yeah. Holden's life. Yeah. Would you switch? Think about it. He's younger. But here's the question. She's allowed to do hand stuff with other women.

Are you allowed to do hand stuff with dudes? Yeah, but I want to throw up the thought of any kind of hand stuff with anybody. You look away and you pretend it's a girl. Wow. I can smell... No, no, no. He doesn't do hand stuff with any... I mean, it's no hand stuff at all. What about foot stuff?

That sounds like a raw deal. If you can't get hand stuff as well... Well, we get other things. Even if you don't want it, to know that it's available to you. Foot stuff, I hate even more. I'm a weird person that way. I love heels. I hate feet.

In fact, I think that's why I hate the summer so much. You look like Ed's dad. Everybody has their feet out at all times. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I wish I could have diabetes right now. Dude, everybody, everybody, and it's always the worst feet too are just

out in your face all the time. I hate strangers on the train because of their feet every day of my life. Interesting. I see feet, just a gnarled foot. Eddie, don't show him your feet. Eddie is showing him his feet. I know and he's got big shitty sausage toes. Yeah, Ed never wears shoes. Oh my god, it's atrocious.

And the flip flops too. It's just a goddamn nightmare. It's not right. Old Asian woman feet is my worst. Because they're binded. Yeah, and they're all gnarled and just grumpy and bad. I hate old Asian woman feet. Okay, so Marcus, where are we at? He's Googling old Asian woman feet.

Why are you going to do that? Look at them. Oh, that's the worst one. Oh, my God. All right, well, Now we're looking at Binded feet Which is a terrible tradition by the patriarchy To try to make women look feminine

In reality it ruined their entire feet How do they walk? They don't really walk That was part of the plan Because their feet were so tiny They would have to shuffle behind the men It was physically impossible For them to walk in front of the men. You see what you guys have done?

I didn't do jack shit. I gave my girlfriend a foot massage last week. Don't get me shit. I didn't give you a foot massage last week. By the way, I am so sick of American good men getting blamed for how disgusting other patriarchal societies are. I ain't imprisoning no women, man. I don't got no girlfriend because I want them all to be free. That's right.

Holden wants them to be the most free of all of us. Yeah, absolutely. He has one and she can still do hand stuff. Hand things. Hand stuff. It's just hand stuff. Man, that is a good sign. What are you going to do?

What am I going to do? I'm not touching anything. Well, I mean, you should request she does it in front of you. Make it kind of hot. Oh, I could never. No, no, no. No, no, I'm bored. I get bored. They'd want to make a whole night of it.

God, you're fucking weird. Okay. It's exhausting. Absolutely exhausting. Yeah, you know, Witcher 3, man. Yeah. These quests aren't gonna play themselves. This Witcher contract is expensive. Do you wonder if you've never played video games, Holden, do you, man. Yeah. Because quests aren't going to play themselves as contracts. As Witcher contracts, it's expensive.

Do you wonder, like, if you never played video games, Holden, do you think your life would be better now? Oh, I'd be so successful. I'd have so many things going on right now. I'd be president. I'd be Obama right now. I'm literally, I would have figured out a way to enter his mind. Is that what it takes to be Barack Obama?

Yeah, absolutely. You never played a video game. I'd find a way to jump into his mind, like in Being John Malkovich, I'd find a door or whatever. And then you'd take control. Yeah, absolutely. What would you do? Like, first act of it, you'd take control of Barack Obama's mind. Free pizza

Fridays, baby. For who? Free pizza, everybody. All of America. Free pizza Fridays. That's a lot of pizza. That's a shit ton of pizza. That's a dickload of pizza. It's just one medium pizza. Yeah. That's a shit ton of pizza. That's a dickload of pizza. It's just one medium pizza. Yeah. Think about how much one tank, one tank in the military would be feeding everybody pizza that day.

Actually, you'd... Maybe. Okay. Kevin, what would you do if you were Barack Obama? If I was Obama for a day? Man. You could be him for a week. For a week?

I suppose I'd do the same shit i do normally but i just talk a little different yeah you're talking like oh yeah you gotta that's how he talks right oh my god i take michelle out for a wonderful dinner movies and i would make her love me it would be so fun you love love Michelle. Michelle is the hottest first lady that has ever existed. Over Jackie O. I believe so. You think so? I do believe so because Jackie O was not nearly as fit.

She was very fit. Michelle is tight as fuck. I hate this one with her arms. Who gives a shit? Everyone loves her arms. Her arms are incredible. She's got great arms. No, I think, yeah, I'm going to go Jackie. I'm going to go Michelle Obama over Jackie, and I think those are pretty much the only two hot first ladies that have ever existed.

I don't know what John Quincy Adams' chick looked like, but I can't imagine. Laura Bush was all right. Oh, my Eddie. I don't mind her as a human being, but a sexual attraction? I don't know. Let's look up a picture of Laura Bush. When you're done with your math equations. Yeah, I'm trying to figure out how much it would cost to give every American a free piece

of pizza every Friday. Oh, a free piece? Yeah, a free piece of pizza. Oh, no. We're doing a slice? We're doing a slice for us and they're getting half a pie. This is when the government overreached. Everyone's getting half a pie?

Okay, that's you. What, everybody's going to line up like a fucking bread line? What are we? This is America, sir. This is your policy, dickhead. Yes, sir. You're not going to have to eat it either. I mean, you could not show up.

The government's just going to deliver you a free pizza. We're getting three slices and a soft drink, right? Yeah, totally. We better. Jesus. Three slices and a soft drink. Yeah, wait, you're not going to drink anything with your pizza? All right, we'll keep talking

about the show. By the way, also, one more thing I would do, I'd put free heroin in the sewers. Get rid of all those people.

Free heroin in the sewers. So you're under the idea that they will then go to the sewers and get there? Yes, they'll live and they'll be down there.

If no one's going to leave, they're getting free heroin. And wait, what happens when they're in the sewers? They just stay there and they eventually die. They won't come back out. They will not come back out. And they won't make it out And wait, what happens when they're in the sewers? They just stay there. They'll stay there. They won't come back out. They will not come back out.

They won't make it out. Yeah, and they'll fertilize the earth and all that good stuff when they die. This is how chuds were made. Yeah. Kind of. That'd be kind of fun to fight that. That'd be like a fun, cool thing to happen to the world. Cannibal, humanoid, underground dweller. Yeah, that's it. Chud is a great movie. Chud's amazing. I do want to point out that Eddie looked

at his girlfriend for you know, just to affirm that he got something right. And you're very nice to Ed. So thank you for treating him like, you know, the special needs person that he is. By the way, Holden, if we were to give just one slice of pizza. Please call me Obama. Please. President Barack Obama. Yes, yeah.

I would like to give a piece of the world. His species are so boring. He's those boring. Oh, my God. No, man. Fall asleep. They're poised. When he started singing that one time, that was fucking sick.

But other than that. All right. So we've got a population of 31.3 million people in this country. Sure. Average. We're just going to slice. One slice. Right. Average slice of of pizza $2.50

Not if you had two brothers. Yeah, you gotta Do the math would be so much easier if you just did two brothers yeah, I guess you could do two brothers But I was trying to I was trying Everybody slices a pizza For slice I was going for slice pizza Government cheese that's the worst cheese Yeah, yeah, this is just fucking $31.3 million per month. How much does a tank cost? How much does a single tank cost?

That's nothing. For the government, that's nothing. Let's just go ahead and... Okay, so we're going to go ahead and say 3 1 3 0 0 0 0 Alright, 31,300. Zero.

Times 52. 52 weeks in a year. Okay. Okay. Equals, that is going to cost the United States. Yeah. Per year. Uh-huh.

$1 trillion. $1.6 trillion. That's a lot. That's actually a lot. That's a lot of money. Here's the thing. You're giving everybody one slice, all those people, they're going to buy another slice and a drink. Yes.

So you're stimulating the economy. Yes. The money's not going back to the government. They're going to be hungry after the first one. You're giving the economy. Daddy, daddy, daddy, I want something out of the candy machine. So we're sending people to- You're giving the economy hand stuff.

That is the platform I'm running on. Just like Devil's Advocate. He's giving it to the economy? Just Devil's Advocate. Should we just like maybe just spend that money feeding the homeless? Die, Devil. No. Get the homeless job.

Yeah, we are feeding the homeless every Friday at 3 p.m. The devil is a trickster lord. They don't need a handout. They need a hand up. That's right, Ben. That's right. And now it's time for a segment from Old McNeely. Oh, no.

Unless the devil has something to say about it. Unless the devil would like to stop it. Friends with the devil. Jerry Garcia was a friend to the devil. How did he end up? Ben and Jerry's? Yes, he ended up at Ben and Jerry's Flavor. Now today, this segment,

today's segment is brought to you by This Week in Jack and Chris Laker's show. Chris, where can we find it? It's on Cave Comedy Radio. Yeah, of course, right? Where is that? You can find everything else. Yeah, everybody knows already.

Dot com. Dot com. Yeah. HTTP colon forward slash forward slash knows already. Dot com. Dot com. Yeah. H-T-T-P colon forward slash forward slash cave comedy radio dot com. W-W-W dot cave comedy radio dot com. I forgot about the worldwide web. It's a colon.

It's absolutely a colon. Not a semicolon. Marcus is about to jerk off. Marcus is about to jerk off and he wants a fun video to watch. We all told him about this website Where he's gonna go and watch a fun jerk off video He's gonna choose one of them

We have to each come up with a video title And maybe what the porno is about If it's a porno Maybe it's just a shot of a glen I prefer a porno Yeah I'm sure you would That will bear into my judging. The name of mine is the interesting unicorn.

It's vaguely Harry Potter themed. It's sort of like Hagrid's like, oh, we got these creatures in the woods. You know? And so the little wizard boy kind of goes out into the woods and he's like, oh, it's just a horse. Why would you? It's just a horse. Why would you? It's just a horse. An actual boy or an 18 and up posing as a boy? Oh, like a ripped bald dude who's pretending to be a little boy, right? Like with tats on his neck and stuff, like all porn stars are, right?

Ripped-ass bald guy, right? Right. But he's talking like this. Like, oh, it's a curious unicorn, right? But he doesn't see the head of it, right? And then he moves, and then it's, you know, log of shit, like this. Like, oh, it's a curious unicorn. Right? But he doesn't see the head of it. Right? And then he moves and then it's, you know, log of shit, like one would expect.

Right? Instead of a horn. Oh. Yeah. Is there shit for a horn? He gets fucked by a, yeah. So he gets fucked in the ass by a log of shit horn, kind of like a hard, solid one.

And he's like, oh, shit's fucking me. Shit's going up in there instead of out of there. I'm done. I was done a long time ago I will concede that it is interesting Yes, the title gives Although not quite my bag You love Harry Potter

It depends on The rest of us What am I already out of the Is that what you're saying It will be very hard to do worse than that. For a myriad of reasons. That I don't believe I need to go into right now. And big tits.

All the trees have breasts. Okay, well that... And they're not wearing bras. But just like disembodied tits? Yes, and no bra though. On the tree. Alright, Kevin. I know, but I mean... Disembodied tits are fine, and no brawl though. On the tree. Alright, Kevin. I know, but I mean disembodied tits are fine if I

know who they belong to. They're on the body of a tree. The tree grew them. On a tree. Yeah, the trees in Harry Potter, they all like move around and stuff. They're like Wizard of Oz trees. Cool. There's a man hanging from, if you look closely, there's a shadow of a guy hanging. Anyways.

There's a dwarf. You have to pause at the right part. He'll be hanging from, if you look closely, there's a shadow of a guy hanging. Anyways. There's a dwarf. You have to pause at the right part. Yeah, he'll be hanging from the tree. All right. Gotcha. So mine is called That Scene from the Lion King, but different. And so it's basically, we recreate that scene from when Simba got exiled And he fell into That elephant graveyard

So But we gonna have horses Right And it's two people On one horse This is one of them And They fucking on the horse

Together Oh like Witcher 3 Yeah So they fucking on this horse I haven't really played Witcher 3 But I agreed Because you know

You wanna win Yeah And so they fucking on his horse and they get to the cliff they don't know the cliff's coming the horse just oh so the horse is so the horse is just speeding okay as they're fucking full gallop but they're still fucking and they fall into the elephant graveyard and they're like oh shit are they gonna be impaled are they gonna die yeah or are they just gonna tumble through these bones but what happens is the girl lands, one rib cage goes perfectly a good six inches into her vagina. Right.

Oh, the entire rib cage or just the rib? Just the one. And the guy goes in his bum. They fall slow. Right. Then they just make out together and grind away on these ribs, man. You know what? That's even more interesting than the interesting unicorn.

What? Yeah. Wow. I like people having sex in motion. You guys ever seen that one where they're both hanging off of the rock face and they're fucking in midair? No. It's hot.

Stop giving clues. I mean, I'm next. One of the next people, but just stop giving clues to everybody else, Marcus. I mean... I like... I don't know. I like motion. Ben Kissel. Mine's going to be called Porky's Piles of Pigs.

Poopy. And basically, we're just going to get the cast of Porky's. Where are they now? And they'll all be very sad and in desperate need for work. Kevin's got to go. Goodbye, Kevin. The cast of Porky's, for those that don't know, is a wonderful late 80s, maybe early 90s rom-com.

I like meat. Yep, meat was a great guy. So we're bringing the cast of Porky's back for Porky's Piles of Pigs, and they will all have sex with one another, and, you know, it'll be exciting for you, Marcus, and you're going to love every goddamn second of it. I mean, I did have a thing for Wendy Williams, the coach. Remember the one that screamed when the other coach was fucking her in the gym and they both got fired for moral turpitude?

I do remember that. Oh, that's from Sex and the City. What's her name? Is that Miranda? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's Miranda? Yeah. I loved Miranda. Bit of a Miranda? Yeah, I've yeah. That's Miranda? Yeah. I always, I loved Miranda.

Yeah. Bit of a Miranda? Yeah, I've read it. Which one am I? You are a, you're like, you know, you're the cosmopolitan. Okay. You're the drink. I'm the drink.

Yes. Julie. Yeah, okay, so I was going between two of them, but I'm going to say, so Marcus, have you ever heard of Fuerza Bruta? Fuerza Bruta. Yes. I think I have. It's a union square. It's a union square.

It's a New York show that takes place above you, and it's like people dancing above you within water. I've seen the ads. Yeah, okay, so this is like Fuerza Fuck Ya. Mm. Right? So like, this is just porn that happens in, like, shallow water above you. So I have to change locations for this.

VR, I think is what it is. No, no, no, it's VR, yeah, it's virtual reality. It's like virtual reality, you're there. I don't have to go anywhere. No, yeah, and you can, like, move and get different angles and, like, that whole thing. So people fucking in water above me. Yeah, but they're, like, dancing, they're, like, doing other shit. They're not just, like, you know, it's just fucking in water above me. Yeah, but they're like dancing. They're like doing other shit.

They're not just like, you know, it's just not two people above you. Okay. It's an animal-related idea, so I think that gets an extra point. People. People. Well, technically, Ben had no pigs in his.

It was just porkies. People from porkies who started in porkies called Porky's Pile. I wanted to say pussy. Porky's Pile's a pussy. Ooh, you're dirty, Ben. But I'm getting a little too blue for my liking. You get a point, Ed.

Two to two. Interesting. Fuerza Fruits. You got a point for that? You got a fucking point for that? Oh, I got a point. I'm two. What do you mean?

I got a point. We're tied. Two to two. I was up two to one. Game inside the game. I just lost the game. Chris? All right.

Well, everybody's giving you fake ones, but I got a real one that I found that's really hot that I'm going to send you the link to. Thank you. It's these four really cute chicks just finger banging each other. Ooh, hand stuff. And they all got these matching tattoos of birds on their wrists. One of them keeps talking about how her shitty boyfriend just plays video games all the time. And she'd rather be with women. And it's a really good video.

Man, I would never want to see that. I would hate to watch that. That's out of your... No interest. Don't send me that link. Okay. All right. Send that around. It's pretty good, though. Okay. All right. Send it around.

It's pretty good, though. It sounds interesting. Ed Larson. Some people call you buffoon of the lake. Some people say. No, I'm wet. That's right. You got to go to that lake.

It only freezes over during the winter once, Ed. I ain't being wet. Why is he wearing hockey gear? All right. Mine's a VR thing. Okay. And it's kind of got, it's a little, it's got an animation type of deal to it. Will you provide me with the necessary equipment?

Sure. Cool. Yeah. I mean, you know, of course. That's, I'm not even thinking about that. Good. Good. Clearly. But it's a VR thing.

But what you can do is you can like take like Sally Field from the 70s and they will like you could bang her, you know, and like it'll like be like her from like. Anybody you want or what you should have said was the coach from. Well, that's what made me think of it. Yeah. But then Sally Field from, that's what made me think of it. Yeah. But then Sally Field from, I mean, Smoking the Bandit. I mean, there's nothing better than that. Yeah. Or like, oh, yeah, or like Raquel Welsh, you know, just like you can use.

Daisy Duke. Any of them. You just made two things better than that. Nothing's better than, no, nothing's better than Sally Fields? You would take Sally Fields over Daisy Duke? I would definitely take Sally Fields over Daisy Duke. Did you see Hooper? You see Hooper?

No. No, you got to see. Oh, my God. Look at her in those tiny shorts and Hooper. Imagine Barbarella. Yeah. You can fuck Barbarella. What are you fucking idiots talking about right now?

I'm so lost. Virtual reality having sex with women that gave you boners when you were just a little child. Exclusive, but it's the women then. It's the women then. But just say, for example. 55 to 82. But do I also have a Steel Magnolia option with Sally Fields? No, that's not an option.

That's not an option because I would kind of like to fuck Sigourney Weaver now. Sigourney Weaver now? Galaxy Quest Sigourney Weaver, dog. Yeah, Galaxy Quest. I was never a big Sigourney Weaver guy. I'm a huge Sigourney Weaver fan. I wasn't until Galaxy Quest. Really?

And that changed me. She never did it for me. Me moin. What is wrong with you guys? No. You were a big Sigourney Weaver person? Yeah, she saved the Earth from aliens. Yeah, you remember

when she woke up and she was in that tank top and just her panties? Yeah, the aliens. For some reason, I don't know why that never turned me on. Sally Fields.

Sally Fields. Okay, that's fine. You could bang Sally Fields. Wait a second. You're like the emotional and unstable Sigourney Weaver. Yeah, I was a big Sally Fields.

Sally Fields is just gorgeous. So you can have sex VR sex with Sally Field I mean you won the 70s Just from Sally Field I don't know

When did this change because at first it was from Sally Field and then I was like what about Daisy Duke and you were like okay and now you're back to just Sally Field

Just Sally Field I won You got a special I don't know I didn't I mean you still win Yeah And he wins Of course he wins I want You got a special I don't know I didn't I didn't Is Sally Fields I mean he still wins

Yeah And he wins Of course he wins Yeah I'm not gonna I'm not gonna watch Miranda from the Sex and the City Now

Fuck the coach I mean I would But I'd rather Fuck Sally Fields I'm one of the only people That you know Mention a woman I mean Laker

Mentioned a woman Actually I would also Laker you your close second. Yeah? Don't you want to masturbate to Holden's girlfriend getting finger baths? Yeah. Is that right? So when I went to the bathroom, Holden, did you admit that your girlfriend's cheating on you?

She said she was going to have a space jam with her friend. And I said, what is a space jam? What is? Yeah. And then she kind of went on to describe a little bit of what hand stuff is i had to get a definition for a lot of terms and that's fine with you no problems with it i was like which one is which you know who's animated and who's the basketball player you know and she just kind of kept yeah she was just talking talking talking

talking we talked for hours that night. It was really romantic. All right, so that's the round table. Check out Laker's show this week in Jack and right here on Cave Comedy Radio. I think you're going to love it. That's it. That's it? That's it. That's all you?

I mean, what about the rest of us? No, Laker is the guest. He gets the credit. Julie's also a guest. Yeah, fuck you, Ben. I want to promote the Murderfish show. Hold on a second, baby. And then I'm after Ed, and then you can go.

Thanks so much for listening to the last podcast on the left. We're going to be in Los Angeles on Saturday. Ben, we're not done yet. Go ahead. A. Blinkin's Top Hat. I'll do the Red Eye podcast now. Are you? What time is that on? It's a podcast. Whenever blinking stop hat. I also do the Red Eye podcast now. Are you? Yeah.

What time is that on? It's a podcast. Whenever you play it. It sounds like it'd be too late at night for me to hear it. Yeah, it's too late. I can't watch it. All right, everyone plug everything they want to plug. Yeah, Twitch, Twitch.

Holding Nader's Hell on Twitch. You're not even bringing the names in anymore. No, I did it a couple of weeks. I did it last week. I'm talking about the people who listen. Okay, never mind. You can go watch me play Dark Souls. I think that's archived, right?

Yeah, it was super fun. It's on my YouTube page and my Twitch pod. I am an animal. And you can go listen to my music show, The Lucky Bone Show, at mixcloud.com slash Marcus Parks. I'm waking up early and putting out two a week now. And if you want to hear my easy listening version of his show, come check out the Lucky Scone Show.

It's a really good time. We do it on Sunday at 7 a.m. I wanted to end it so much earlier. At first I was mad that he did it, but then I listened and I was won over. It's really good. Some really good flute on there. If you want to catch some good flute,

if you want to catch some good saxophone. Murder Fish Show, August 14th? More like August 14th. The second Saturday in August is a great time for the Murder Fish Show. You come on down to the pit 9.30pm. Listen to Brighter Side, Pretty Please, and

catch me on Instagram. Let's bump them numbers. More like August 14th. Oh my god It's your show Murder Business Is doing great Julie what's going on

With you You actually do Important things With your life What did Marcus Have to say Already did it My phone

Yeah yeah Look at that And also at Instagram and Twitter At Marcus Parks All those Good Very nice

Everyone's gonna go There now Yeah they will My sketch group Buzz off Lucille Has a show running at the UCB right now called Balls Deep where we just make fun of dudes the whole time. It's a lot of fun.

It's a great show. Eddie also has huge balls. Yes, it's also funny because his balls. But they're floaters. Yeah, they do float. If you're ever on a big boat and it's sinking, grab Ed because his balls Are going to stay up

Bring it right up to the top Oh and shout out to Omar From Lubbock It's his birthday today I got drunk with Omar In a bar once He's a very nice man Lubbock or leave it Omar

Lubbock or leave it He hates it Julie any other Anti-men things That you're working on Oh you know Lady Parts Justice Is where I work

Where you know Support women's Reproductive rights There you go Hell yeah Get rid of them kids Let them Oh, you know, Lady Parts Justice is where I work, where I support women's reproductive rights. There you go. Hell yeah. Get rid of them kids. Let them kill the children. All right.

I say let them live. Let them live. Let it happen. Beautiful. I just love fetuses. Yeah. Do you? I don't know.

Why not? I love the band fetus. I like pictures. What's that? I love the band fetus. Is there a band fetus? Oh, man. There's that? I love the band fetus. Is there a band fetus? Oh, man. There's probably three.

No, this one's spelled with an O. Oh. F-O-E-T-U-S. Yeah. Fortius. F-O-E-T-U-S. Footus. Footus.

Oh, very fun. Footus. Well, I'm so happy. Laker, this week in jacket. We already did that. That was the whole show. It's not TV. Hold me in your seat.

Yeah, the show, that's another thing. And it's every Wednesday here at the Creek, 10 p.m. See? There you go. That was the whole show. The show. It's on TV. Hold Nader's hell. Yeah, the show. That's another thing. And it's every Wednesday here at the Creek, 10 p.m. See? There you go. That's more. Listen, you dig? You dig? That's good.

I mean, no one is listening to this part. Please, everybody, I really want you to tune in to Fox News and watch my good friend Ben Kissel. Yeah. He needs the views. He needs the hits. We need the views. All right.

We'll talk to you soon. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.