The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 294: Tumbleweed on the High Seas

Episode Date: July 19, 2016

The gang is joined by Nick Turner, Jordan Temple and Liz McGee to learn about the new aquatic fashion craze on instagram, the risks of playing with your nipples publicly, and to debate the most desirable way to lose one's teeth.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Ladies and gentlemen, a little more watch. Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

Alright, now for a prayer from Holden McNeely. No going black. Everybody close your eyes. It's time for guided meditation. It's late at night. You can see all the stars in the sky. Where must we be if you can see all the stars in the sky? Uh-oh.

It looks like there's a lot of wildlife where we're at right now. Big, big jungle. And we see a crocodile in the corner. Hey, Crikey, what was that? What the hell was that? Oh, oh, he got a biggie. Oh, you think that's a knife? I got a biggie knife.

You know what I'm saying? Your crocodile's not deep, dude. Fuck, it's so stone. I didn't miss it. It's terrible. I'm sorry about this one. I've been on a trip. I've been away.

I forgot what it was like to do comedy. Now you are on the moon, and there are moon people, and they are horny. Everybody, open your eyes. It's time for Roundtable of Gentlemen. Man, that was bad. That was brutal. I'm sorry to start things off this way, but I was not prepared to do a prayer. Well, you never prepared for anything. And I'm not high. Why? You're never high.

I usually am high for this show. You are? What happened? I've been trying to be better, but it made me worse. I didn't smoke enough. I had an edible. Did you bring your pen with you, Turner? No. All right. Well, this is the round table, gentlemen.

This is going to be a fucking humdinger, huh? And welcome back, Jackie Zebrowski. Hello. I'm back. We missed you last week. You went and saw the wife beater, Johnny Depp. Oh, yeah, baby, man. He was beating that guitar like she's a little blonde girl.

He was beating that guitar like she's a little blonde girl. He was god-awful. And Joe Perry collapsed and went to the hospital. I got to see Joe Perry collapse on stage. Whoa. Yeah, and Alice Cooper play 18. Yeah, man, it was fucking awesome. That's awesome. Yeah, see, it was great.

I did miss this, but you know what? That was better. Sorry. No, that fucking awesome. That's awesome. Yeah, see, it was great. I did miss this, but you know what? That was better. No, that's fun. That's fun. Did you ride the cyclone? What did you do? Did you talk to any Russians, any China people? No, no, it was all just like old dudes in leather,

and everyone was just like smoking weed and hanging out. In the Coney Stadium, you could smoke cigarettes and watch the show at the same time. Man, I love it. Man, smoking, smoking, smoking. It was great. stadium you can smoke cigarettes and watch the show with the same time man i love smoking smoking smoking it was great i am i'm happy to be here though because i am the pokemon queen what level are you at i'm level eight and i will never fight them i only want to catch them so i'm not doing the main component of the game. That's fine. I'm having a great time catching them.

That's a lot of fun. Yeah. They call me Snatch Catchem. Oh, that's fun. I heard there is a squirty bird, or did someone create that? No, but someone created that. There's a squirtle. There's a squirtle. There's a squirtle, and there's a Pidgey.

I love the Pidgey. That's the most rare in the game. That is not true. New York is full of rat tattas and Pidgeys. That's the most rare in the game. That is not true. New York is full of rat tatters and Pidgeys, which is pretty amazing. But I birthed a zoo bat out of my squirty bird, so I'm feeling pretty good. So are there certain ones that are in different parts of the country? You don't want to know about it. But yes, you can get the aquatic creatures near a body of water.

Yeah, you did it in my house. I messed with it for a little bit because I've got to be in the know, all right. Yeah, you do it. You did it in my house. I messed with it for a little bit because I got to be in the know, all right? Turner, you do it. Yeah, I'm planning a trip to Syria because I hear there's some good- Desert animals? Yeah, squirties there. Some squirt ass. Yeah, some squirt bombs.

Yeah, they're all dried up. You got to go get there. You got to go put your juice on them. But it's worth it. It's going to be dangerous. Probably some duck trios. Oh, hell yeah. All right.

Sitting in for me today is the beautiful Thin Now, Nick Turner. How you doing, buddy? I'm doing great. Thanks for having me. Thanks for coming in. I'm voting. You're voting? Wow.

I'm voting this year. You're going to vote this year? Mm-hmm. Are you disclosing who you're voting for? I don't know yet. They have not entered the race. They haven't entered the race. You're looking for hopefully a nice...

I'm voting for whoever enters the race the last week. You should do it. Yeah, there's a lot of those, right? November 1st. Whoever gets in November 1st. I'm voting for Squirtle. You're voting for Squirtle? Yeah.

No, Squirty Bird. Squirty Bird for president, man. She'll juice you up and she'll get you down. Is that the platform? Yep. Haltnators, ho! We're here to drag the show down for a second time within the first five minutes. We've got PlayStation shoutouts.

Try to keep it to a... Yeah, we got a bunch this time, as I forgot last week. So settle in, get comfy, and prepare to get this part of the show cut out of it by mary thank you mary corn nut cremos says tell wesley to go fuck himself for totaling his sports car in gta 5 hk burke tell ben i don't trust anyone who models for any store other more white trash than walmart noah dragon says tell marcus he is a penetration to white elephant they're not going to hear about this. Save them for next week.

Scissormy Tiernan says, I love the cowmen in CCR. I will drag my balls through a mile of glass just to hear you fart through a walkie-talkie. Let's be chums. Fuck you. The pepperoni man says, the pepperoni man always gets the gooch.

And finally, Dark Matter 2121 says, shout out to the flamboyant four and hardest MF Gaming. Thank you very much. That's been your PlayStation Network. Shout out. Ho! It's a treat to have you Can I do the meditation again? I've got better ones Do you want to do it again?

No, please Actually, you're calling my bluff right now You're calling my bluff Sitting in for Kevin Barnett Mr. Jordan Temple How you doing, buddy? I be, I be You be, you be?

Yeah, I'm good. I can't complain. I like this. Black for a black, big for a big. That's right. Absolutely. I'm sitting in for Ben Kissel. And our lovely guest is Miss Liz McGee.

Hello, Liz. How you doing? I'm great. How you doing? I'm all right. First time. Yeah. Is Liz the only guest?

Liz the only guest. Yeah, because you're sitting in for me. You're sitting in for me. Jordan's sitting in for Kevin. I'm sitting in for Ben. Mary's sitting in for Marcus. I'm sitting in for Holden. Yeah.

And I get to be me. Yeah, you're you. You're the guest. Would you like a beer? I got one. Great. Do you have like a wacky thing about you? Like you talk backwards or something?

No. Okay. Backflip or anything? I used to back in the cheerleading days. Oh. That's where you got the knockers from. Yeah. Knockers.

That's where I got these knees. Nothing better for a female athlete than large breasts. Yeah. Those breasts are just fine. You should see that ass. Yeah, that ass. That ass. That's why she can't do no back flips.

Kevin, she has a boyfriend. Getting lured. Getting lured. All right. And sitting in for newsman Marcus Parks is newswoman Mary Kelly. How you doing, Mary? I am great. You got some news for us?

We absolutely have some news for you. First story. I feel like this is like the homeless kids show. This is the orphanage. B-Squad, baby! It's the Halloween show. Everybody's playing everybody else except for fucking you and me. Ed Larson doesn't even want his name on his name on this show.

Hey, Tony, you're doing great. Yeah, you're grilling it, Zed. Thank you, Ed. Police say man use brain preserving fluid to soak marijuana. We've got a picture of the guy right here. How sexy is he? How different from that is

embalming fluid? He has like a 14 pound head. A central Pennsylvania man was charged Thursday after police say he sprayed fluid used to embalm a human brain on marijuana that he then smoked. Where'd he get it from? Well, court records indicate that Long's aunt contacted detectives on June 21st after finding a human brain in a department store bag under a porch while cleaning out their trailer.

So the real issue is, is he's got this brain. Right. So the real issue is he's got this brain. Right? Long allegedly told her during a phone conversation from the Cumberland County Jail that he used the formaldehyde soaked pot to get high. Yeah, he did. He couldn't even get his hand on a bottle of it. He had to take the brain out.

And bring it out. Get rid of this brain. Why not just pour a little, yeah, why not just dip the nug in, you know, get a little brain on it, too. Because honestly, that would probably get you fucked up as well. Yeah, I would smoke the brain. Don't you think woman finds brain under porch is a better head? Yeah. Man gets high. Court records indicate a coroner concluded the brain was real and that Long supposedly named it Freddy.

Freddy the brain. Freddy the brain. What would you name supposedly named it Freddy. Freddy the Brain! What would you name your brain, Ed? My brain? Gooblegox. Gooblegox. I doubt a man named Freddy has ever gotten the nickname The Brain. Freddy the Brain, please. Holden used to call himself

The Brain. I did, Ed. And that was the last thing Ed ever said. Yes, I did a show with Ben Kissel called The Brain and the Beast. You're welcome. Yeah? Yes.

How was it? It had middling reviews and very few people listening. I don't think anybody really knew about it and then I got really drunk on an episode and said a bunch of stuff I shouldn't have said about my ex-girlfriend and got thrown with a lawsuit. So it wasn't exactly the best debut.

I remember Henry and I were on it. We were all drinking a bunch of vodka Red Bulls and we took a cab back and Henry was in the car with me and I puked up a bunch of vodka Red Bull inside of my purse. Yes, I remember that. In the cab. Because I didn't want to puke in the car with me and I puked up a bunch of vodka Red Bull inside of my purse. Yes, I remember that. In the cab. Because I don't want to puke in the cab, so I puked inside of my purse.

It got all over the cab anyways, right? I don't remember. But I thought it was like- You puked a bunch of Cenas before that as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was just like, you know, that's a good podcast. You know, it's like when you get that fucked up- You send people puking.

Yeah. We haven't done that in a long time. There was a lot of drug doing. Was that at Cena's? Yes. Oh, yeah. I did that. Yes, you did.

You did do that. Yeah, I got a bunch of followers from it. Yeah. Yeah, it's in a bad neighborhood. I would still get that drug for a podcast, but I've been yelled at quite a few times. That's true. We always notice now, even though she thinks we don't. Rules are rules.

Oh, God. Oh, my God. I though she thinks we don't. Rules are rules. Oh, my God. I've got a problem, guys. Everybody puke in a cab in here? Oh, no. I haven't puked in a cab. I've puked in cars, but not cabs. Yeah, I had the cab pull over.

I caught it. I've had my friend puke in a cab when I was in. He on you? Nope. Okay, good. See, Henry just threw money at the cab driver. Really? That's the thing. He's got to have the friend who's got the money See, Henry just threw money at the cab driver. Really? That's the thing. He's got to have the friend who's got the money, and he just threw money at the cab driver.

Yeah, you got to do a bunch of seasons of television. Yeah, and then you can pick whoever you want. Yeah, then you can pick whoever you want. I'm fucking Henry Zabrowski. Eat a hundo. Yeah, and then he just shoves it in his mouth. He goes, yeah, I'm thinner than I used to be, but I'm still hungry. Classic Henry.

Classic Henry. I shat my pants once in a cab and then when the cab dropped us off, my friend took off and I had to pay too. I would say that's worse. I would say that too. Where'd the shit go? It left your pants? Yeah, it was on my pants.

It was a little smear on the back seat. Really? A little smear, the back seat. Really? Yeah. Okay. I shit my pants three days ago. God bless you. Really? I was in my house, though, luckily. What happened? How were you in your house? Why did you shit your pants? I just got off a juice. I did a three-day juice cleanse. Wow. And then I

drank a bunch afterwards. I feel great. Ed was crushing fucking Jump Rope earlier Dude I should have brought my hula hoops Man we can go I've been hula hooping my fucking ass Wait are we about to go watch Ed Jump Rope and

Jackie hula hoop after this cause that's my favorite thing on a Sunday night Jordan filmed it so we got it Insta got a bunch of views and likes cause that's what's paying the rent how many likes do we need to get the money man

more than you got yeah for sure but I shit my pants I was okay you know I washed the shorts you know I'm happy about it

can I tell you that's the first time I've ever heard someone tell a shit their pants story that just happened yeah usually it's like oh yeah

it was like 11 years ago no matter what it's like the opposite of like a stand-up timeline like oh just the other day 17 years ago i uh yeah because mine was back in college i've told the story here before your shit your pants story were you what was the no i was i was uh almost i was almost blackout drunk i was almost african- American drunk. I was done. But yeah, that's kind of nuts to me. I've never gotten so drunk I shat myself.

We've all peed a little. Yes, I've definitely peed a little. But I'm in a hot tub fucking making out with four fucking half girls. Yeah, half girls. You're in a regular tub soaking in your fucking liquids

With a rubber ducky Going Hey rubber ducky Give me a blowjob Half girls Just got top surgery Just got tits on them And I'm making out with them

They're like Look at my new tits I'm like They're getting They're oily Nick what's your favorite way to bathe Good question Good question I am intrigued, they're oily. Nick, what's your favorite way to bathe? Good question.

I am intrigued. I would love to know. Nick Turner. Right now, I have a shower only situation. So I don't have the option to bathe in a tub. Do you do tubs? So I don't wash. We live in New York City. Because I'll only take

baths and I can't do it so i'm waiting till i can move into a better place what rockefeller in the creek in the cave basement is taking a bath what it'll be weird if you were like actually i would be very upset if i knew anyone that took baths i'd be offended i'll No, no, no. I'll have a shower. I use it. I use it. I use it. It's a shower.

I took a bath last year. My friends only take showers. It was great. You took a bath last year? I had a wonderful time. I got a six pack of beer. I was in a fancy hotel I shouldn't have been in. It was a whirlpool though.

It was like a big bath. It was a big Eddie bath. It was big. Oh, I fit in it. I was like, I can fit in this tub. I'm getting in it. How many beers did you go through? Four.

Did you use bath salts? Yeah, I used bath salts. I ordered some bath salts from room service. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. No, I went for it. I gave myself a nice fancy bath, and it was fucking delightful. Did you get high?

Of course I got high. All right. It said Larson. He just got high just now. Well, if you're in a hotel, maybe you didn't have access to it that night. No, no, no. You always figure it out. Even on a cruise ship.

Yeah. I was just thinking about that story the other day that serendipitous story you just found weed that was just tumbling down like the the port that was so much fun i was just like i hadn't spoke for five days and i was with some i was doing an acting gig with some people and i didn't really know them so just last year's like listen uh i have a confession you know it's like i flipping out. I haven't smoked weed in six days. And then they're like, then one of them's like, look, and pointed. And there was just a fucking bag of weed floating down the deck of the ship.

And then she went and grabbed it. She's like, it's weed. We all started cheering. Did they smoke with you? One of them did. Oh, that's enough. My question is, though, that I don't think I ever asked you, what device did you use to smoke the weed? Great question.

I bought a pipe for the girl that I was seeing at the time. So I just smoked out of that. Yeah, but then you almost got fucking not allowed back into the United States. That's right, but I'm a smooth talker. He's a smooth talker. That's right. What'd you say to him? It's fine.

Wait, somebody caught you? Yeah, with the used pipe and his fucking shit. I brought the weed back, and I was going through, and then the customs took me aside, and they were like, what do you got? I'm like, I got weed, and I got a pipe. Here it is. What are you going to do to me?

And so they were like, all right, well, it's fine. Just go. Here's a ticket. And then they were like, well it's fine just go just go here's a ticket and then they were like you gotta break the pipe but the pipe was a stone so I was like trying to break the pipe I just crashed it because it was just you know a piece of rock you threw it away? yeah he threw it away I kept

trying to step on it and I was like I'm sorry I don't know what to do you weren't strong enough and then my buddy the school teacher picked sorry, I don't know what to do. I'm not going to say that. Weren't strong enough. And then my buddy, the school teacher, picked me up. So I felt guilty about that. As you should. Eddie, what did I say about that?

Ew, is that what your friend sounds like? Oh, Eddie. Oh, Eddie. What did I say about weed on a cruise ship? Sounds like you're fucking with a girlfriend you were dating at the time. Just get on my lips, Eddie. Liz, you ever get arrested? No.

No. Jackie? Anyone here ever get pinched by the police? Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, of course. You got Jordan here. Oh, Kevin Barnett been arrested a bunch of times, man. Man, always getting knocked by the police.

They always got me at the worst time when I got my parent, man. Shit's crazy, man. My parent on my shoulder. I'm like, hey, officer, let me take my parent on first. Then I'll come back. I'll meet you at the precinct, man. I don't know how you could arrest that smile. It's already arresting.

It's so arresting. It's beautiful. I got arrested, well, you guys know, during the Evergarden protests. That's the second time I got arrested. The first time I got arrested I had a... You were doing a real crime. Yeah. Rodney King. Rodney King. I remember that.

He was five. He threw a TV through a window. You were five. He went up to a guy and said, are you a cop And he said yeah And you kicked him in his nuts I was an old dog From men's to society I shot some Asian people

In the head Nah I fucking I had to open I had a bench warrant And turned into that Cause I didn't pay a ticket And then I had to stay In the tombs for a weekend

It's boring Yeah it was awful You should go do something Real violent And then tell us the story Cause that would be more fun No thanks Did you meet any cool people in the Timbs?

Yeah I met this Dominican dude And we had beef cause I'm Haitian And we were like He was like you stay on your side And I was like yo suck my dick you Dominican Why are they known for being great At sucking dick? Nah but he was just mad at me because I told him I was Haitian.

You're the most Haitian guy I know. Him and Wyclef Jean. Yeah, our president. All right, man, we got some more news? Yeah, the latest internet fad has women falling for it hook, line, and sinker. It's called the fish bra and consists of a woman holding up a fish over her chest as if it's a brassiere. Man, I just heard about fish bras. Jackie, when are we getting you a fish bra?

Well, I was going to use, I wanted to do it. I wanted to use Swedish fish just right over my nipples. We'd have to get you a couple, though. Yeah, yeah. I'd need them to be sewn together, you know? Wow. Oh, I like that one. That's very...

Two snappers. Tasteful. Yeah. Two snappers over a snatcher. Those tits look huge, too. Those are some fish bra. They're hanging down. She got under tits.

Her post is probably like fishing with dad. What kind of fish would you use? Her username is 44 double trouble 45. Oh wow. God bless her. 2,218 likes y'all.

She's getting paid. Yeah probably. I'm averaging like 50. 50? From getting 50? You're getting 50? Wow. I don't do them a lot and when I do it I do it like 50. 50? From getting 50? You're getting 50? Wow. I don't do them a lot, and when I do it, I do it good, baby.

We're all happy for you. Thank you. You're welcome. I don't want to see those tits. That's an unfortunate fish problem. Thank you for the fish covering the tits. Those tits are tiny, though. She's got nothing going on.

It's not a big fish. This is fun. You can always judge the size of a tits by the size of a woman's fish. Mary, what fish are you using? Ooh. Great white shark. That would be awesome. You're going to get one of those huge, like an Atlantic salmon.

Yeah. Ooh. Yeah. That'd be fun. Yeah, big, thick Atlantic salmon, all horny. Turner, what kind of fish are you using? I'm just, I don't even know. You're disappointing these girls.

I'm disappointed that this isn't about fish with tits. about fish with tits. And I'm sad for those fish with big floppy breasts that still have no item of clothing to cinch them. Oh, that's nice, though. I'd be, if I went snorkeling and a fish with tits swam by,

I'd be so delighted. She's the one wearing a bra. Yeah, she still has it on. She's still wearing something. She clearly has that subset. It's squishing it together. She's wearing a bra. She's still wearing something. That's upsetting. Squishing it together. You can tell these women are a pain in the ass. Do you see them? They're wearing the bra.

That's funny. She put a box of fish, frozen fish on it. For our listeners at home, that's the problem. It's a very visual moment right here. Everyone's like, where can they go on Huffington Post to see this? And they can scroll along with us. Google fish tits.

Google fish tits. Fish fries. Don't be crass. The next Turner's face will come up. Yeah, fish tits. Yeah, fish tits. Fish sticks? So if you catch a fish tits.

I'd use a manatee. Oh, okay. Mermaids of the sea. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, okay. Mermaids of the sea. Yeah, absolutely. There you go. I do some sort of an eel situation. You think so? Absolutely.

Just cover the nipples one little... A strip, yeah. A little strip. You know, I think I would use a school of fish. Just a bunch of fish and I would just hold them. They move around. They cover where you move. So wherever you move, they'll kind of reset and move around.

Yeah, I like that one. You think dudes are going to start doing this with their cocks? Fish sticks? I think there's nothing we haven't been doing with our cocks. How many men in the world that are alive today do you think fucked a fish? Oh, yeah. Too many. Too many tiny bones, though.

Probably 40 people, I'd say. No, I'm going to go with Oh, yeah. Too many. Too many tiny bones, though. Probably 40 people, I'd say. No, I'm going to go with 500,000. You think 500,000 people on Earth have fucked fish? No, I bet a lot of people in Japan have fucked

some really nice sushi. Think about Asia, Eddie. Every time you're thinking about the amount of people in the world doing one thing, think about it. Think about China.

Don't even think about Asia. Asia's everything. Asia's a million things. Asia's fucking Russia for all I know. You gotta get those wide mouth bass. Ooh.

Yeah, you know? Those dick sucking lips. Yeah, because they got gumless. And they go, I just put your dick in me. Right? They have those in China? Yes.

I'll allow that. I don't know if we can go further than that. You were allowed one and that's it. I'll give that. I don't know if we can go further than that. You were allowed one and that's it. We'll give you one more. You can save it for later or you can do it right now. What are you doing, Jackie? I'm gonna save it for later.

Alright, saving it for later. It's a good call. You never know what's in the news. I don't know. I don't know what's coming up. Guys, hold on. Mary has a good twist on this fish fucking story. It's not guys. A dude in Romania had sex with a fish, and now it's going viral. Oh. Oh, shit.

There's video of it. See what he's got. I need to see that. Honestly, I thought this story was about a woman who had sex with a fish. Oh. Maybe he's just going to gag the fish. The fish is going to make the same. I guess it's kind of nice, right?

It's going to make the same sound as when your cock hits the back of a girl's throat. That's my fave. Oh, yeah? That's a big piece for Jordan. I'm having a hard time finding the video. Cod blazer. You know what? It's probably for the best.

Yeah, honestly, I thought I, I'm like, I'm first in post, I'm like, let's see it. And then I'm like, I don't want to see this. I don't want to see this. I don't want to see this. Here it is. Screen grabs. Oh, wow. Oh, so he's getting his dick sucked by it. It looks like a grouper.

Or a catfish. Yeah, it's the catfish thing where they stick their arm in the log and they pull out the catfish. But in this scenario, it looks like he's just sticking his dick in the catfish. That poor assistant. Yeah. Who's just like helping him. And he gets none of it. He just, unpaid intern, believes in the cause, you know.

Don't catfish have teeth? Of course, and they got little snags on the side. That's the bitch of them. God, why would you fuck it in its mouth? If your dick's strong... Yeah, you're right. You gotta prove that your dick's the strongest dick of all your boys. I've been in that situation.

Slamming it against brick walls. Yeah, get it all calloused. Trying to make sure, oh, you think your dick's strong, I'm gonna rub it against my sandpaper. Whoa, gonna rub it with sandpaper. Slamming it against brick walls. Yeah, get it out of the house. Trying to make sure, oh, you think you're dick strong. I'm gonna rub it against my sandpaper. Whoa, look, he came in it.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Is that a bunch of cum in a catfish's mouth? It's cum, yeah. That's cum. Mary? No, no, no, no.

That's just a catfish. I mean, maybe. Hey! That's what it says to me when I look at it. But yeah, anyways, we used to hurt our dicks a lot To see you had the strongest one

That's good man I'm proud I'd like to fuck That brush That What is that Brayley Or what is that shit

Brilla No on the whales They have the teeth It's like brushes Oh yeah To get the plankton through Yeah that probably feels great Oh

And the plankton Probably move around on your shit Kind of give it a little Like rib for her pleasure scenario, but on your own penis. I think you would get swallowed whole. I mean, maybe, but I'd cum first. There you go. I heard you can't cum underwater.

Is that true? No, I've fucked many a delicious bitch underwater. You've fucked underwater? Oh, absolutely. Where is this? Oh, in the ocean. I'm not making this up at all, guys. I fucked five

mermaids in the ocean. And you fucked in a pool before. Yeah, you fucked in a pool. I fucked in a whirlpool. I fucked in a whirlpool. I fucked in one of those places you were talking about enjoying a solo bath. I fucked in that. It's not sanitary. Every time I fuck, I'm not penetrating. It wouldn't be underwater penetration. It was always above the water.

We were underwater. We got in there. You can do it, and it's called pearl diving. It's not smart. It's bad. It could get infected. You can't get pregnant if you fuck in a pool. That is what everybody thought in my fucking high school. Right before y'all went to a rainbow party? Yeah, pretty much.

Everyone's doing molly, and it's like, you can't get pregnant if someone comes inside you in a pool. Knock on wood, no babies in this fucking sewer. That's right, there you go. That's right, Jackie is barren as the life of the world. Oh my god, I'm never going to have children. We were talking about coming underwater, which is interesting because sperm is an aquatic creature, so one would think you would be able to impregnate a woman more easily in the water.

Yeah, you probably shouldn't even have to actually have sex with them. You just need to cum in a lake. I think you have to cum a lot, though, in a small amount, right? Yeah, well, they spray them in fish. That's how they... They don't really fuck, do they? They spray eggs. Who likes science?

I'm surprised there's not a festival in Europe somewhere where all the guys come in a river and the girls like stand in it downstream. And that's how like they get pregnant for the year. That could be fun. I'd try it. Or like. I bet that's a real festival. Or like all year a bunch of people come into like a tank. Fill up a big tank full of cum.

And then a fireman comes in, but instead of red, it's a white fireman's costume. And he comes out and a bunch of girls bend over on a wooden post and he goes, all aboard.

And he turns on this fire hose and shoots all that cum that's been saved up. This should have been your poem. Liz, what do you think is the worst way to get pregnant? The fat, which was just described. Yeah, but that makes me think he's like the white power ranger and I'm the yellow one.

In any way. Mary? Another news story? Yeah, let's do more news. So, more in nipple news. Notorious nipple man nabbed after three years as a public transit pervert. and nabbed after three years as a public transit pervert. Police in Kyoto, Japan, have arrested a man long suspected of fondling his nipples while leering at schoolgirls riding the subway.

We have some pictures of him right here. Of fucking courts. Oh, that's nothing. That's what Jeff Goldblum does. He just stared at like Goldblum. Yeah, no, he did that at his wife or girlfriend. I think they were at the White House dinner, and he kept rubbing his nipples at her.

Well, I guess it's stimulating. So that's over his shirt. It is over his shirt. But he's removing his over shirt to get in there, which still makes it disturbing. Yeah, why not just wear the t-shirt? Yeah, please. Japan is filled with perverts. And this is the fucking issue?

Oh, I bet he has a silly voice to say about it. You know what? That was probably... Jackie, use it up. You're going to use it up right here. You got one. Watch it.

You got one. Watch it, Sebastian. I see the girl. God damn it. My neighbors see her here. That's it. When I squeeze them, I got my yucky, yucky sauce

coming out of them every time I see a girl. Well, it's nothing if not accurate. I believe he would refer to any juice that came out of his nipples as yucky, yucky sauce. What's the part? Thanks, Mary. I got one. You got it. Well, she got two, but she got the one.

So the police took him down. Hashtag Mr. Nipples, apparently. What did they give him? How did he go to jail? Did he get a big sentence? Was this a crime? Well, this had been a problem repeatedly, but it's not technically a crime. But the thing that brought him down was he allegedly turned to buttocks flashing, which brought the trouble.

That's a crime, right? Yes. turned to buttocks flashing, which brought the trouble. That's a crime, right? Yes. Coyote police said they suspect him in several other public acts of indecency, according to the Daily Beast. Stick to what you know.

It's like when actors start singing. Oh, God. Don't even get me started. Johnny Depp much? What was the deal with that show? He was terrible? I mean, he just kept smoking Black and Milds on stage and he kept walking off the stage and Alice Cooper, who is fucking fantastic,

still fucking hitting it, such a fucking showman, would have to go off the stage and bring him back on the stage. I think he did it three or four times. Really? Because you just walk off the fucking stage. He's having like a mental breakdown. And also I thought maybe, I don't know a whole lot about instruments, throwing it out there,

but Johnny Depp was playing it completely bent over with the guitar almost at the ground. I was like, oh, is he playing a bass? Doug's like, no, he's playing the guitar like a fucking retard. Yeah, yeah. Because he wanted to look cool. Too low and he's kind of down there. Yeah, and girls kept throwing their panties. Yeah, they love him.

And he looks bad. Yeah, of course he does. No panties. You give me a world according to Garp? No, no, no. What's eating Gilbert Grape? Sure. I want a world according to Garp. World according to Garp. John Lithgow. John Lithgow.

Oh, Ed, you have to see that movie. That's a whole other fucking thing. What's the plot synopsis? What are we dealing with? Okay, just real quick, real quick. World according to Garp. It is Robin Williams. It is John Lithgow.

He used to be NFL player, and now he's a woman. It's Glenn Close as Robin Williams' overbearing, horrible, mean mother. You know what? I think I've seen this. It's so good. You should watch it again. John Voight played Transvestite. John Lithgow It's so good. You should watch it again. John Voight played a transvestite. John Lithgow.

John Lithgow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. John Lithgow's played a transvestite many a time. Harry and the Hendersons. He also did a- He now does it full time. Yeah, he's all the time now. He's 100%.

He's got good shoulders for it. Doesn't need the pads. Ah. The most feminine attribute. Strong shoulders. Strong shoulders. So yeah, bad show then, huh? Sort of.

Half and half. Yeah, no, it was just Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp, bad news. Don't go see it. I heard he has no teeth. Is that true? Yeah, well, I mean, no, he had his falsies in, but he didn't have his teeth in for some opening or whatever because he was so cracked out of his head. Yeah, but he didn't have his teeth in for some opening or whatever because he was so cracked out of his head.

All of his teeth are rotted out of his fucking face. Because of drug use? Yeah. And I think it's because he lived in France for so long. Because he lived in France. You know at the airport it's one tooth each time. Yep, you gotta give a tooth just to fly

in and out of France. That's why I won't fly anywhere. That's why? Tooth. Tooth. Tooth. They talk like idiots. God, those French.

Nick, favorite drug to lose your life to? To lose your teeth to? Teeth. We'll go teeth. Yeah, what are you gonna lose your teeth for? Yeah, I think tooth. I would old school ecstasy. Yeah?

90s ecstasy. I guess you'd have to smoke it though. Hell yeah. It's just MA shit. Hell yeah. And then to lose my life to K. Late 90s. K, guess when I did drugs.

Yeah, yeah. Special K. I don't know what that guess when I did drugs. Yeah, yeah. Special K. I don't know what that is. A horse tranquilizer. No, it's cat tranquilizer. You're going to a K-hole. Oh, it's horse.

It's horse. I thought it was different. No, it's horse. But anyway, yeah, it's animal tranquilizer. And I thought I was going to die on K once. Next news story, Mary. All right. Man locked daughter in a cage for excessively using

Snapchat dog filter. Fake! Whoa. Wow. Holden thinks it's fake. Why do you think it's fake? Nate Turner, my sidekick. Yeah, I guess

now that I think about it, now that it's been presented at that angle, I also believe it might be fake. It seems a little too funny for it to be a real punishment. Bit of an inside joke here, guys. During the break, Nick said he wanted to yell fake after this next news story. Don't ruin it.

And I stole it from him. But yeah, put her in a dog cage. Rolando Cruz was arrested for locking his 17-year-old daughter in a cage for three days after he found several photos on a Facebook page edited with dog filters from Snapchat. 17? How big was that fucking cage? Or how tiny was the girl? Wait, for three days? We can put, any of us can get a dog

cage. I highly doubt it. Give me a dog cage I can fit into. Wait, this was in Orlando? He was trying to save her life. No, in New York. Oh, New York? Oh, okay. That sounds like a Florida story. The guy's name was Rolando. Rolando. That's much different. I believe name was Rolando. Rolando. Yeah. That's much different. I believe it's Rolando, but...

Rolando. Rolando. Rolando. Maybe a new page. What city was this in? Rolando, Florida. No, New York City. Yeah, they got Dinky Mouse over there, huh?

And the Bic Monks. What's News 10 Live? What's that? This is fake. That doesn't have a city attached. News 10 Live, right here in America's basement. Why are you calling out America like this, motherfucker? I think this is fake.

What are you into? The most recent story is man drowns trying to catch Squirtle on Pokemon Go app. I would do it. Good for him. Do you know how long you have to stay underwater after your phone has stopped working? You could have fell off a dock and not be able

to, you know, that could have, you know, it could always be one of those situations. Either way, it's fake. I'm definitely at the age where I'm too old for Snapchat. I can't figure it out. Yeah, I'm not even trying. I see the funny pictures. I can't figure it out either.

Yeah, and I'm just like, what do you do? You send them to each other? This is dumb. It just goes away. I'd rather just send nipple pictures, which is what God intended it for. Hell yeah. I don't understand. What do you think is a proper crime to get shoved in a dog cage?

What do you think is a proper crime to get shoved in a dog cage? I think one of the only crimes that it's appropriate for is being a bad dog. Being a member of the Sinister Six from the Spider-Man comics. I don't understand what that means. Next. Dr. Octopus. Electric Man was in there. Sandman was in there. Alfred Molina. If I were a. Dr. Octopus. Electric Man was in there. Sandman was in there.

You mean Alfred Molina? If I were a rich man. Carnage? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? Those are the best good examples? He did. He did for a while.

Yeah, he was great. Oh, and Grand Theft Auto. GTA, you gotta take it. Ew. Taking the cars. What the fuck are we even talking about? Molest!

All right, I'm gonna go ahead and throw a shout out to the segment. Are we doing it? Yeah, yeah, right. I'm going to go ahead and throw a shout out to the segment. Are we doing it? Yeah. I don't even know. Shout out to the segment.

I'm taking it all home. It's so disjointed, my head. I think it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Thank you, Mary. Ben Kissel,

let's talk about it. He's not here. What is he up to right now? I know from a Facebook post. Probably going to have to physically be outdoors because he's too big to be inside. But that means he got outside from an airport.

All I know at this point was I think four hours ago I saw a Facebook post that he was at the LA airport drinking heavily and he really desperately wanted someone to hang out with. Assuming he missed his flight what is he up to right now? I will start I think... How does he even fit on that?

Do you think he has to lay down in the aisle? Right? How does he even do it? What does he do? And also the poor people that have to sit next to him. Jesus Christ. I feel bad for the people that gotta sit next to me but to like, you know, be used as an armrest. Yeah, but you're friendly. You know? I don't know. I sat next to

somebody really tall last time I was on don't know. I sat next to somebody really tall. Last time I was on a long flight, I sat next to somebody very, very tall, and I was in the middle seat because I had to buy a flight last minute. And that person shook his leg for six hours. And he looked like a basketball player, and I was scared to talk to him. But he smelled so

good that I kind of wanted to nestle my neck into his stomach. You should have talked to him. Yeah, I probably should have left with him. Sorry, we're getting back to No, I love that detour. I think Ben Kissel right now convinced one of those guys to be able to drive the

weird golf cart thing around. I think he's driving old ladies around learning their life story. Telling them his. That's mine. That's yours? Yeah, I was very nice by the way. Everyone's allowed to be much meaner. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's talking to a bunch of girls that clearly don't want to talk to him. But he's saying that they're his fans and he's telling them about his podcast. He does not.

They don't give a fuck. And he's like, no, you're my girlfriend now. No, you can't talk to other people at parties. That's what he's doing. Ed Larson? If Ben's in the airport for a long time, I would say he is drinking at the bar furthest away from where his gate is. Because he's gotten kicked out of all the other bars. He's just making the round. Yeah, he's gotten kicked out of all the other bars. He's just making the run.

Yeah, he's just going down. Yeah, now he's just drinking quietly in the corner, and hopefully he remembers to get on the flight. And then, you know, he's probably ordered a lot of apps. Yes. I imagine a lot of food. He's piling up. He probably forgot where his bag was a couple times.

Trying to find people to pay for the bill. And then he broke a table and maybe a couple of pint glasses. It's going to be hard to beat. And yelled at a waitress. And then made them give him something for free. You know it, too. I don't know.

Maybe doing one of those shoeshine stations. Yeah. For too long. For too long. He's been dressed nice. He's always wearing a blazer too long For too long This is a person Who will listen to him He's been dressed nice He's always wearing a blazer We forgot about

This is blazer Ben This isn't five years ago Ben No And it's a person Who will have to Would be forced To talk to him For a long period of time

I think he'd feel uncomfortable Like halfway through though Oh absolutely He'd probably get up And start walking around And be like I gotta go to the bathroom Hopefully it's right next to it. Jackie?

I would say, I think that he would find someone of an uncomfortable age who had a dog in a carrier and it would probably start reminding him, because he's so blackout drunk, it would start reminding him of Teddy? What was the name of the... Teddy. He loved Teddy the most.

Teddy, the one he loved the most who has R.I.P. Teddy. He has since passed. Teddy is fucking Ted. And I think you start looking at it and start calling the animal Teddy and trying to get the Teddy out. And you're like, no, no, no. I watch him.

I love. He's my palm. I watch him. And I think that he would just really scare the person. And then you'd get so upset and be like, oh, God, it's not Teddy. Try to shove the dog back inside. Maybe hurt the dog a little bit. It yips really loud.

He feels bad. So he forces the woman who does not want to go with him to go to a bar and forces her to drink with him because he feels so bad about hurting the dog even though he didn't

and touching her dog and then he ends up missing the flight again because he's trying to make it up to this woman. That sounds about right. Yeah, that's beautiful. That was like a poem.

Who's judging this, you? No, it's me. Mary. Why are you talking, Eddie? That's disrespect. I bet you know Ben better than that. If we were in the hood right now, Mary would be allowed to shoot you.

You're capped, son. Yeah. I'm sorry, Mary. No, I'm sorry. Nick? I think right now, Ben is on the phone with a producer at TMZ explaining his resume. Explaining it. A little backstory.

It's because he got blackout drunk, as we all... I think it's the only fact we know for sure. You're right. The only fact we have. He's blacked out. And he... He's awake. He took his dick out in the middle of the terminal and started peeing on the carpet. And a guy took a video of it.

Oh, Twilight style. He wanted to sell it to TMZ because Ben is a giant celebrity. But the guy at TMZ did not believe him. So he put Ben on the phone to relay his IMDB page. I did take out my penis in the airport. The blazer sells it. Yeah, blazer sells it. Well, Mary, who do you think

had the correct Ben's time happening since the past? I gotta say there is no way that Ben doesn't tell women who aren't interested about his podcast. I'm going with Jordan. Oh, hell yeah.

Congratulations. Congratulations. Is this your first win? I'm pretty sure in life. Congratulations, man. We're all happy for you. What do you got? You got anything going on, Jordan?

You taping your Comedy Central Hour this week? No, this Friday at the Creek at 8pm I'm doing my comedy special. I'm going to be in Atlanta from Thursday through Sunday at Laugh-N-Skull featuring for Dan Soder. Oh, fuck yeah. We got people in Atlanta probably.

We definitely have people in Atlanta. There's Jimmy and Billy. You really want to fuck Soder. You've been talking about it for years. Yeah, well, I want to fuck him. What do you want to do? Nick Turner, you are switching to music, I hear. You're playing some music this Sunday. Yeah, well, I...

Solo bass, right? I've been rehearsing a lot for the upcoming Cowmen audition. Hey! I did not get in. We need a flautist. You don't play? Yo, wait, he just plays the flautus. Oh my god.

Give me an hour special, Comedy Central. You have to be stand up, Jackie. No, I just said flautus. She did. That is ripped from Dan Soder's hour special. July 21st to 22nd here at the Creek. Come see Nick Turner.

Due is hour. 8 p.m. 8 p.m. Oh, yeah. Recorded by Comedy Central, who is just one man. I've already got my ticket for Thursday, so come out and come get drunk with me. I forgot what night I'm going. Thursday. I think it might be going Friday come get drunk with me. I forgot what night I'm going. Thursday.

I think it might be going Friday. I hope so, because that's the night I am going. So either night. And Holden Anderson on Twitch. Yeah. What do you got going on, Liz? Liz McGee? Oh, just, you know, hanging out with my cat.

Fuck yeah. That's so cool. Hell yeah. He deaf as hell. He's deaf. My cat is deaf. Oh, man. What are you going to do about it?

Are you going to fix it, or are you just going to let him be deaf? There's nothing that can be done. She has a good life. Paul language. Yeah, he's got a great life. Oh, yeah, like baby sign. Oh, he was actually his first name. Moore.

Moore. She's putting her hand on the lips. Yeah, I know a little bit of sign. Motley doesn't, though. But he was originally named Doug after your boo. Yeah, I know a little bit outside. Motley doesn't, though. But he was originally named Doug after your boo. Yeah. All right, well. Ahmed Larson, thank you so much.

Shaki Zabrowski, Nick Turner, Mary Kelly, Holden McNeely, Jordan Temple, Liz McGee. This has been the Roundtable of Gentlemen B-Squad edition. Thank you so much, guys, for listening. Come see Murderfest on the 13th of August at 9.30. Y'all be good to yourselves. Peace out.

For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to CaveComedyRadio.com.