The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 295: Glenn Close To Your Heart

Episode Date: July 26, 2016

The gang is joined by Walter Replogle to discuss the numerous downsides to getting tattooed by a hobbiest, farmyard animals eating each other, and to say goodbye to Eddie's momma.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Ladies and gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

All right, who's praying today? You. It's not me. Yes, it is. gentlemen. Always civility. Alright, who's praying today? You. It's not me. Yes, it is. I remember my awful fucking night. No, he wasn't here. But Holden prayed last week. Oh, no shit, huh? Yeah. Alright, well, dear Lord, thank you so much for having us here together. We really love each other. Thanks for bringing us all together

and all that stuff. Amen? Why? I don't fucking know, Jackie. Is it because of the weekend? We had a terrible weekend, but also it was a beautiful weekend and a wonderful weekend, but we can talk about it if Eddie wants to. My mother's dead. All right.

Ed's mom is no longer with us, but she's with us in spirit and she's with us in spite as well. Not a joke. Nope, she's gone. Gone forever and ever to return. We just have to clarify for the listeners. Not a joke. We laugh because we clarify for the listeners. Not a joke.

We laugh because we laugh through the pain. Through pain. We all deal with death in different ways. Yes. I've been yelling at strangers. Yeah. Yeah. I've been yelling at strangers for about four days.

So I'm feeling great, man. Yeah. I've been peaceful. You know what? That's good, Eddie. I'll tell you guys a story about something that happened. So I needed my mom's a devout Catholic.

Thank you for hailing her. Hailing her. Hailing her at the last podcast show, by the way. No problem. And she, when I needed someone, she was a Catholic, so I gotta do what's right. She didn't get her last rites because she died in her sleep right but uh the i wanted to get a

priest to bless the body and no priest would bless the body why do it because it's not the sacrament is last rites so you're technically not supposed to receive the sacrament unless you're about to die in seconds. Fuck priests. Are you kidding me? So no priest would come, and I'm just like, I will pay a priest to lie to me. To fake it. And tell me my mom was blessed. You should have had me show up in a priest costume.

So we're like scrambling all over town. No priest will do it. We're asking every priest in Thomasbury to go fuck himself. That's right. Hold on, but can we just stop for one second? And Holden, can you bless the body as Father Holden McNeely? Yeah, for sure. In the mind, the Holy Spirit, and then we come and bless the body.

That was it? Yeah, that's how they do it, right? I wish it was that fast, but unfortunately. And they have the little dangling silver ball with the smoke that comes out. It's a child. So I get a call, frantic, from my aunt. She comes out. It's a child. Hi, hi, hi, hi. I get a call, frantic, from my aunt. She's like, we found a guy.

He's from a couple of towns over. We kind of know him, Father June. Father June is a 400-pound Filipino priest. He's just like, he looks like a homeless guy that they put a priest outfit on. What do you think your mother thinks about the Filipino people? God, she would have made fun of him on her deathbed. She definitely would have made fun of him. She would have been like, photo, photo. Not even the right place.

No, that's fine. Very good, though. So he's doing it. He's praying, he's praying, and he's praying, and he's reading, and he's reading, and he's reading, and I'm just like, let's get the fuck out of this room. How long does this prayer have to be? And then finally he finishes.

We go upstairs. We're all fucking crying. Julie's there with me and my girlfriend. Tim Dean was in the room. Good friend of ours, good friend of the show. And my aunt and uncle were in the room. And we're all just fucking crying, going nuts, you know. And I get out in the room. Good friend of ours, good friend of the show. And my aunt and uncle were in the room, and we were all just fucking crying, going nuts, you know. And I get out of the room, we're all up there,

we're just looking at each other. I'm like, all right, so who wants to go again? You guys want to go one more? I love it. I was like, you good for one more, Father Jude? He's like about to pass out because he went up a flight of stairs. His shirt wasn't even tucked in. Have you ever seen a priest

who didn't have his shirt tucked in? How did he even have the white thing that fit around his neck? I don't think it went all the way around. He cheated it. Alright, this is the round table of gentlemen everyone. That's Jackie, Eddie. How you doing? What's going on? What's new, Ben? Oh, absolutely nothing. We did a

great live last podcast on the left yesterday. We hailed Mama Kathleen and then a couple of videos, we showed a couple of videos. Got people upset. Got people upset. One video got people really upset, Marcus. I think he'll attest. People don't like to see cows eating live chickens. It was a chick.

It was a tiny baby chick. I think that's the part that makes it so bad. No, that makes it fine. If it was a fully grown chicken, that would be grotesque and insane. A chick is just, it can't move, and a cow's stupid, and it just swallowed something that was on the ground. It could have been a sprinkler head. No, no, he didn't just swallow it because the chick was running in front of him,

the cow was sniffing at it, and then the cow opens its mouth and just slowly starts glomming on it, and you hear the chick freaking out for a bit, and then it just goes silent. Did he swallow it? He swallowed it, yeah, and there was a bunch of Indian kids behind him going, yay! They were happy. Yeah, you always got root for God.

Well, it's their version of Netflix. It's a great thing. And, uh, I mean, you know, it reminded me of Pink Flamingos when John Waters allowed that chicken to be fucked to death by the dude with the semi. Yeah, but they ate the chicken. They ate the chicken and they made that chicken the star. And there's no denying that that chicken was a star of last night's last podcast

along with Mama Kathleen and they're both dead. What an honor. What a huge honor to have my mother, my dead mother on the same show as a cow eating a chicken. You know what, Ben? I never thought I would feel this. But you have really done me a great honor. That's what I bring to the friendship, man.

They should have made it a turkey. If it was a cow eating a turkey, everybody would have laughed and applauded because turkeys are total fuckers. Yeah, and the noises would have been really funny. Right? Holtnators, ho! Time for some PlayStation Network shoutouts. Now, I have a ludicrous amount of them, so I'm only going to do a few of them and save the rest

for next week, okay? Sir Snippy, tell Ben and Marcus that it was great to see them in LA, and he will vote for Ben when he runs for Congress. Out of your room, out of your womb, out of your wallet. Vote Kissel. Nasty Norm,

out of your room, out of your womb, out of your wallet wallet So no roommates No Get outside Gay marriage Abortion rights Pro-choice And you know

No government overreach When it comes to taxes Oh now I get it Get out of your You don't even know How to talk about your No we're gonna stay We're gonna stay

Out of your room We're gonna stay Out of your room Out of your room And we're gonna stay Out of your wallet Hey We're going to stay out of your room. Out of your room. And we're going to stay out of your wallet. Out of your wallet. Check this out. Maybe make the mascot for your campaign a talking coat hanger with googly eyes, right?

Because it stays in the closet, right? And it performs abortions. Yeah, and it's free usually. Amazing. That is ridiculous. No. Anyway, thank you, and I appreciate your support. You're welcome. Don't let these naysayers. I'm talking to, and I appreciate your support. You're welcome.

Don't let these naysayers. I'm talking to the fan. I'll dress like the coat hanger if you need me to. Nasty Norm for all the nasties out there. We got the Davenporter was also at the L.A. show. Henry and Marcus were perfect gentlemen, but Ben had his L.A. privileges revoked. Were you mean to people? What?

I was in roast mode. He got a little roasty. Who said my LA privileges are revoked? The Davenporter. The Davenporter? Is there a name to the Davenporter? They're all screen names, which, by the way, the next shout out. He sounds like a dumb yacht.

Yeah, I think he probably is. I'm in roast mode. I know, man. I don't like roast mode. Some people don't know, though. A dumb yacht? Like a big talking yacht? Yes.

Who plays PlayStation? The Davenporter? It sounds like a dumb yacht. Sounds like a talking, dumb yacht. Maybe that could be the spokesperson. Well, whatever. Out of your room, out of your womb, out of your wallet. Bird 420 Luger is the screen name of this dude.

What the fuck is that? He biting my shit? He adores Jackie's voice. It would murder his soul should he ever fall deaf. Wow, Bird Luger 420. I like it. I will have it. Was that you, Burnett?

No, it wasn't me. I would never say something like that. Come on, just say it to my fucking face. Say it to my face,'t me. I would never say something like that. Just say it to my fucking face. Say it to my face, you asshole. I just did. And I'll end with this. We finally got a Howard Stern one. Pit X, Pinz X says,

Baba Booey, Baba Booey, Howard Stern's penis. Shout out, you fuckers. Ho. Got a Baba Booey on the show, guys. Am I supposed to know what that means? Does everybody know

what that means? Yeah, that's what he does. It's like a prank call thing people like to do for Howard Stern. Alright, that's been your PlayStation Network shoutouts. You don't have to make the face like that. See you next week, fucker. He can't not make the face.

That was solely for you, Ed. That's what he did. Shout, shout, shout, shoutout! Alright, we got it. Alright, so Kevin, you're here. I'm here, man. I'm Kevin Barnett, a.k.a. Bird Luger. Fuck Bird 24 Luger. Impostors.

The real Bird Luger would never put 24 in the middle of his PlayStation Network name. It's 420. It's 420. I don't give a fuck about that guy, man. I'll say what I want. I know the Davenport sounds like a dumb yacht. I think it's a funny joke. I'm Ben, and then Walter Bepogla is with us.

Hi, guys. Is that right? No. What is it? Rep Plogal. We do this every show. Rep Plogal. Yes.

Rep Plogal. Yeah. So he's with us. I really want to hear Holden do the voice of the closeted gay abortion-causing coat hanger. That's what I want to hear. We'll get to it later. Yeah! It's me, Googly gay abortion causing coat hanger. That's what I want to hear. Yeah, it's me, Googly, the talking coat hanger. I don't want the talking coat hanger.

After a quick Google search, I found out that this symbol is actually a very horrible thing that doctors used to use in alleyways on abortions when they were illegal. Apologies, audience. Yeah! Not an official representative of the Kissel campaign. Who are you going to vote for, talking coat hanger?

I don't know. I think actually there's a lot of really good stuff out there that Bernie Madoff's saying. Do you think the Bernie signs are Bernie Madoff? Yeah! Take it from me, I took something from women in alleyways. You are disgusting. I went to the Mutter Museum. I saw a bunch

of dead babies today. Okay, so it was the weekend of your mother's funeral and you decided to get extra sad or what was the reason behind it? I was in Philly and I had some time to kill and it was the only thing I could think of that I wanted to do. New Star Trek movie. I hate Star Trek.

Why? No, but I like it because the skulls are all fused together on the babies. Oh, yeah, that was a cool one. I love fakes. I love looking at the fucking Googles, man. All right, and a little fact about Mama Kathleen. She was a twin, so we'll be dropping things about her life throughout the episode. She was a twin.

And my father was a twin. She's a twin. And my father was a twin. She's a twin brother. My father's a twin sister. Really? Yeah. Oh, my God. You're going to have twins. Oh, man.

No. I'm going to have a mother museum baby. Yeah. No, you'll have twins. I can booze. I drink. You have huge bowls, Eddie. I know.

God knows what's in there. I could be brewing gorillas. You could be brewing gorillas. You could be brewing gorillas. Who knows? I feel like you're brewing the next start of the second season of Stranger Things. Anybody watching? Oh, my God. It's so good.

I don't have page seven this week. I have to talk about it. Oh, yeah. Everybody watch it. That's all I'm allowed to say. All right. And listen to page seven. It's a great podcast.

Jackie, you're here. You already said that I'm here. All right, let's move on then. But I do have a great song for Mama Kathleen that's stuck in my head. Do you want to sing it? I want to be ninja. I'm going to chop, chop, chop chow down. Take chow down to Chinatown.

I want to be ninja. She would have loved this song. She loved this song. That was... She heard that song. Did Mama Kathleen hear that song? No. By the way,

just for some context, there was a real housewife, I believe of Beverly Hills or one of these real housewives and she put out a song. She does hideaway beds. Murphy beds. Murphy beds.

Oh, I like those. She put a song out on YouTube called I Want to Be Ninja and it is the most offensive racist song I think I've ever heard. Oh, a white person wrote it? racist song I think I've ever heard. Oh, a white person wrote it?

A white person sang it and wrote it. Oh, it sounds like something a Chinese person would write. That's why I feel like Mama Kathleen would love it. How'd they get you? Mama Kathleen would see it and be like, yes, yes, please keep going with that song. But now, wouldn't that also be a wonderful entrant song for a certain congressman candidate coming out onto the stage to give his big

speeches, Ben? Yeah, you gotta chop-chop down to Chinatown. Yeah, that'll be the big move. Chop-chop-chop. You'll get their whole audience to make... Oh, man. Or like a UFC fighter. Yeah, totally. That'd be scary as hell. There we are. Yeah, brings him out.

Make America a ninja place. That's what you should actually say. I will actually say, I will take that. Make America a ninja place. A ninja place. You have to say ninja. Ninja. It's better than the room and the womb.

Out of your room, out of your womb, out of your womb. You don't even know it. I know it. It's tongue twisted. It's like you want people to get out of these things, but you don't. You do. But you want you to get out of these things, but you don't. You do. But you want you to get out of them. I want the government to get out of them.

Right, but it sounds like you want them to get out of them. No, and also get out of your room, and get out of your womb, and get out of your wallet. Say, we're going to be out of your room, out of your womb, out of your wallet. Yes, it's the we're going to be. I think I'm going to run my own campaign. That helps clarify it. Take it from me. I made a woman bleed down her legs

and saved her life. We all sound really bad right now. This is funny. Marcus, do you have the video of the cow eating the chick? Let's listen to that. Actually, we could make them watch it. We could make them watch it, yes. I'd love to watch it.

Do you want to watch it? We'll do one of them good old reaction videos. And then we'll get to a news story. It's a bit of an odd episode today. Usually, we get to a news story a little bit quicker, but today we had to traumatize. It's a sad day. It is a sad day, but it's a glorious day. And go back and listen to episodes 15.

That's where Mama Kathleen made her debut on the roundtable, and it is beyond hilarious. Well, and she recently was on the show. And what was the name of that episode? The Mother's Day episode. The Mother's Day episode. And she was on Brighter Side a few months ago as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Regular.

Is this our first Cave Comedy Radio star death? This is literally the death of the mother of Cave Comedy Radio. Yes. Yes. She's the only mom that's ever appeared on the show. My mom would never come near this fucking show. I don't think that I want to go into this place. She'd probably say that before she even came into the break.

And I'd be like, stop giving me a fucking erection. Yeah, exactly. God, remember, you used to do a lot of mommy stuff. You know, I received some quote unquote fan mail about it. People were concerned. A couple of officers sent me some fan mail about it. I'll bring it back, though. Did she ever hear any of it?

Not a lick of it. I can't even imagine. She would have a brain aneurysm. A big nasty lick of it. I don't want to watch it. All right, we're going to watch the cow eating chicken video, and then Jackie, I want you to talk about your experience with holding over the weekend,

but we'll get to it after the cow eats the chicken. Oh, I will. All right, so the cow approaches the chicken. Oh, this is a pretty big chicken. That's a big chicken. It's a pretty big chicken. Oh, that's adorable. It's on its dick.

It's on its dick. It's on a stick. Honestly, it just looks like the kind of feeding that we did with the snakes. Oh, God, the Indian children are so happy. So happy. That's not even that bad. If you go on YouTube, just YouTube cow eating chicken, and you'll find it. It has 814,000 views. Yeah.

Very popular. It's much more popular than anything we've ever done. The audio is a lot more horrifying because the chicken stays alive for quite a while as the cow is chewing and then it just goes silent. Did you know that the name of a cow's third stomach is called an

omason? Didn't I know that? It's time for a story from Marcus Barks. A woman reportedly asked a tattooist to draw a yin-yang symbol on her back only to discover he had instead created an image of a penis alongside the word fuck. A much

better design. In Austrian court, her, the 21-year-old woman, asked the man who was a hobby tattooist to draw the Chinese symbol onto her. He reportedly said he was happy to do so and designed a template for the design which he showed to her.

But once he began applying the ink to her back, he apparently disregarded the template and instead drew an impromptu phallic design and a swear word. Isn't that kind of fun? It is fun. Yeah, the woman reportedly only realized what he had done when she went home

and looked at the tattoo in the mirror. I mean, shouldn't you only get a tattoo in an area that you can personally see? I mean, a lot of people don't because they want to cover it up, but I think that's a fun roulette wheel. I think it would be like, give somebody $100, be like, do whatever you want on my back. I'm not going to see it. People do that all the time. That's fun. Grab bag.

Grab bag. Yeah, that's what I'll call it. Grab back, I guess. Oh, grab it. People do that all the time. That's fun. Grab bag. Grab bag. Yeah, that's what I'll call it. Grab bag. I guess. Oh, grab bag. Yeah, grab bag. What kind of back tattoo would you get? For me?

Yeah, for you. Right over the ass. Oh, on my ass. Well, I really want to get Lorde, take the wheel over my ass. And that's going to be my 30th gift to myself. Lorde, take the wheel. L-A-th gift to myself. Lord, take the wheel. L-A-W-D. Lord, take the wheel.

I want that. But like half on my ass and half... I want the steering wheel to go down into my ass crack. May I ask, how is Lord spelled? L-A-W-D. Lord, take the wheel. That's how I would say it every time someone sees it. And this implies you would like Jesus to come from behind and sort of grab you there.

I mean, sure, but also like I'm throwing it up. I'm throwing it out there. Let's see how it goes. Right, Barnett? It's true, man. What you said. The thing is about saying Jesus is holding it is Jesus lives in everything. So he is no matter who's back there.

That's Jesus. That's a good point. Oh, yeah. I'm getting pummeled in the ass by Jesus lives in everything. So he is no matter who's back there. That's Jesus. That's a good point. I'm getting pummeled in the ass by Jesus H. Christ. Specifically in the ass. Herschel. Herschel Christ. The only tattoo I ever, ever, ever, ever ever thought about getting was on my butt cheeks and it would have said beer lover.

And I wanted to get that at the age of 16 and I actually would not be upset if I followed through with that 16-year-old idea. I would still enjoy it. It's a funny joke. Beer lover. I love it. I like beer.

Like beer on one cheek and lover on the other. You know what would be even better if it was beer-la and then ver- on the other cheek? Because it's just like, why would you do that? Oh, yeah. That's fun. Good point. Or make your butthole be the O. I was going to say it, but you said it.

Thank you, Marcus. Find the O, and then you can be like, find the O, you know? Yeah. That's disgusting. Yeah, but doesn't that mean the L has to be all like, they would have to spread your ass cheeks to tattoo the L, right? They can get in there. They can do that.

I'm sure they can. As long as it says beer-le. Beer-le. Beer-le. Beer-le. Beer-le. Yeah, I actually saw a tattoo on a butthole that said spit first. On the internet or in person?

On the internet. Classy, classy, classy. But Jackie, we're talking about butts. You have an interesting story about Holden over the weekend. I mean, you know, I'm sorry, Holden. Maybe I shouldn't have said this story to Kissel. But we were all extraordinarily hungover. Was it my farting?

Yeah. It was ridiculous. We got kicked out of our hotel rooms very, very early in the morning. 10 a.m. fucking check out. 10 a.m. check out time. You can ask Del to later check out. Yeah, you have to pay more. Yeah.

And the man was standing out there. He's like, you pay more, you pay more. You pay more. I got woken up naked, by the way. The guy's pounding on the door. I open up the door. He's like, you got to go. And I'm like, I can't leave nude.

And I slammed the door in his face. Seaside Heights, baby. Good God. So we go out. We're all waiting by the car. Holden has, I mean, I'm still drunk. Half of us are either still drunk or so brutally hungover I can barely open my eyes.

And Holden left out a shart that was one of the most guttural, disgusting sharts I've heard in a while. We all moved away from it. We were just like, Jesus. To a point that I almost threw up on the street.

I thought I was just going to be a silent buddy. It was so bad. It was so disgusting to a point that his girlfriend, Lexi, said, Baby, do you need a wipe? In all earnest. She is too nice. She said, Baby, do you need a wipe? Did she say it like it's something that she says a lot?

Yes. It was flippant. It wasn't. She wasn't disgusted at all. We were all like, I almost threw up. That's great she wants to get in there, though. Yeah. She's down.

To a point, we talked about this short for most of the car ride. It's all we could think about. It went on like, you know, because the judge of a mark of a good one is when it just goes on like a fucking millisecond too long. Longer than you ever thought it would go on. Yeah, and you hear the gurgle. Yeah, and it's just like, poof. Yeah, I mean, I was surprised.

It's not like I meant to. I know you didn't mean to. I'm a fucking human. Listeners at home, all right? Fucking good lord, what am I being persecuted here? No. Hey, Colligan man. All right, let's, what am I being persecuted here? No? Hey, Culligan man. All right, let's, uh, what do we got here?

So now this story that we're talking about. Yeah, the guy said, appearing in court where the incident occurred, the man was asked by the judge why he had drawn the penis, to which the man replied, just cause. Why not? Hell yeah. Have a lot of fun. Just give her a free tattoo.

That's all you gotta do to make up for it. I think this was a free tattoo. Then who cares? He was a hobby tattooist. So this was like a prison tattoo. Ballpoint pen. It was a yin-yang symbol. So is he in trouble or not? He is charged with bodily harm

along with several other charges relating to burglary and violence. Burglary. I think what that is is that maybe he did get paid, and since he didn't deliver, he took the money. Therefore, he burgled. He burgled.

Give me a break. He was a burglar. Yeah, he burgled skin space. Isn't that weird? If you're getting one of those kind of trailer trash tattoos, which I'm not saying that in a bad way. I mean, we've all been there before. My sister keeps trying to get me to get a tattoo

from the guy next door. 50 bucks, whatever I want in his apartment. But you know, it's like if that kind of thing, it's like then you throw it up. No, take the wheel. That's what I'm talking about. This guy's getting three and a half years in prison for this. That's far too long in prison.

Come on. I feel like I would know the difference between a yin yang being pierced into my skin and a dick being pierced into my skin. Not just a dick, but the word fuck. Yeah. Which I find hilarious. That's not even creative. It's like a little dick and fuck. Is it a consumer protection thing?

I mean, how is it three and a half years in prison? It seems a little bit intense for someone who gave a bad tattoo. And they're also just sending him to the University of Bad Tattoos, which is prison. I mean, I don't know Austrian law. Oh, this is Austria. Yeah, this is Austria. Wild stuff. They're so peaceful there.

That's the fucking problem. That's where Hitler's from. Yeah. And Mozart. Yeah. Neither of them peaceful. Mozart was the fucking problem. That's where Hitler's from. Yeah. And Mozart. Neither of them peaceful. Mozart was a terrible person. He was a bit of a wreck. Arnold Schwarzenegger's from there. Also a fun guy.

Had sex with a lot of nannies. Conan was very good. I would never get a tattoo, but if I did have to get a tattoo, I guess you can't be that upset if you choose someone who you don't trust. I mean, I think it's the person's fault who went to him. Yeah, it's a roll of the dice every time, man.

Yeah, you can't go to a hobbyist tattoo. No. Absolutely not. One of my favorite, I mean, I've never wanted a tattoo, but one of my favorite tattoo ideas was my friends Barry and Kyle were in this feud for a while. Because Barry may have happened to cockblock Kyle. And this went on for years. And at one point, you know, Kyle's mom was employed a month at Publix. And Barry's plan was he was going to break into Kyle's house, steal the employee of the

month picture, and then get that tattooed on his chest. But he wasn't able to break into his house in enough time before they made up before he broke into his house. That would have been amazing. That would have been unbelievable. What do you have to do to become the employee of the month Of a Publix You have to be very good at your job

Sandwiches too They don't fuck around In your uniform and on the floor 10 minutes before your shift baby It's all about that attitude Make sure you got that great attitude going in To be on time is to be late That's what you always say Marcus Marcus. Because it's true.

It's not true. How many times a week do you hear that, Kissel? I am actually never late. Strangely enough, he's always early. Or he's hours late. Too true? No, not true. Always on time. Out of your room, out of your womb, out of your wallet.

Wow. Ben Kissel, 20... 39 or something. marcus i just realized you're barefoot man how often are you barefoot on the podcast it's hot in here oh because of the heat yeah where are your work sandals oh i don't wear the work sandals in here the work sandals are for only when i have to go to the bathroom yeah that's why i just cut holes in the bottom of my shoe yeah that helps too helps too. To help air out. Don't cum on the grapes. I know that's a big Publix no-no.

So if you don't do that, then you're the employee of the month. Yes, easily. Yeah, good idea. It's a lot of forbidden people down south, and they do forbidden things. Eddie, do you feel accomplished this weekend? Because technically you did book a show. Do I feel accomplished? Yeah, I put my mom in the ground.

Yeah, and you booked a great musical show. Yeah, the Cowmen played. Some of the Cowmen did. They were wonderful. I think they got like two iTunes sales from it. Yeah, absolutely. Actually, we did get a couple of sales in this week.

He plugged the album at the wake. It was pretty unbelievable. Yeah, we really appreciated that plug at the wake. Mark, he really did plug the comment. He told everyone to buy their album. And I think a couple of your relatives did. Why not? Absolutely.

It's good music. It is good music. We thank you. New single out soon. Oh, yeah? You should do an EP. Yeah. We should. We'll single out soon. Oh, yeah? You should do an EP. Yeah. We should.

We'll get it together. My brain is fried. What happened to you? I'm hanging in there. Yeah, I bet. Yeah, we were drunk. We drank hard. Well, we all cried together.

Can we just talk about how weird that was? That we all just sat there. Every single person cried. One of the jokes that- Wait, Kevin, did you? You never had a little bit. Oh, he was going. I'm tough, man.

It's like... That was the time to break, though. If there was a time to break, it was at that. I had a little bit going. It takes a lot for me. Yeah, I know. It's hard for you. I walked up to our buddy, our friend Sam Steps Wurtz, and she and I were in the back together.

And as soon as I look at your fucking fucking face, Ed your dumb, fat face both of us just immediately went and just put our arms around each other and just wept I got a 30 pound face it's a 30 pound face I will say I was at my cousin's funeral a little bit ago and uh, you know, everyone's like

crying and shit, but you know, they're singing like gospel as black people and whatnot they're singing gospel and is black people and whatnot. They're singing gospel. And his brother is so brutally tone deaf. And I was sitting next to him and just started laughing in the middle of everybody crying. And I made fun of this dude for the whole rest of the weekend. Yeah.

Because he's a shitty singer. That's how we deal with our grief. Yeah. You just got to make jokes, man. You just got to get through it. And also get brutally drunk. Holy Lord. We got trashed. And we deal with our grief. You just got to make jokes, man. You just got to get through it and also get brutally drunk. Oh, we got trashed. And we definitely talked about it on the live last podcast on the left show. We talked about how your face looks like it's perfect for tears because it's so fat.

And I believe Henry said that your cheeks are plates for tears. Plates for tears? Plates for tears. And if I'm looking at you now, I can see it. They were really beautiful. You can keep some things to yourself. Yeah. It's good. It's a good face.

How about when my cousin and her son we caught a butterfly and it was clearly a moth? I'm so glad you realized it too. I'm so proud. I was debating whether or not to fuck with her. Should I go up there and be like you couldn't

find a better butterfly? I mean it's like we're going to release the doves and everyone's like they're pigeons. But you know that's fine. Go to the store and buy a better butterfly. It was impromptu I think. He was a kid trying to take the spotlight. The I think. He just bowed to the moth. He was a kid trying to take the spotlight.

The cool thing about it is I did watch the moth. I watched the moth literally fly over everyone. Because I was flying in the back. And it actually went up. Yeah, it crisscrossed the whole thing. It didn't touch me. Yeah, it was cute. And then it died in the pool.

Yeah. Did it really? No, I don't know. Oh, God. All day it spent in a pencil box. Yeah. It has air holes in it. It's fine.

I was waiting for it to not leave the thing. You have to shake it. And then he shakes it. I was waiting for that to happen. But then it came out. I was really waiting for something like someone to kick the urn into the river by accident or something. Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah.

Like the dog to run up and piss on it or something. Well, technically the urn was in styrofoam, right? So it would have fallen. No, no, that was the case that they make you buy. You have to buy a... Oh, that was... I thought it was a styrofoam cooler. No.

I actually do want to talk about this. So, obviously, the total tragedy. But as soon as it happens, you have to go buy the body back. Right? Is that what fucking happens? I mean, kind of. I mean, you gotta... They take the body.

You gotta claim it. I don't think you have to pay them for it. Did you have to pay for it? The whole thing cost $1,982 at the funeral home. Yeah. And then the burial... Just to bury, because we already owned the plot because we put her above my grandma, but just

to break ground was another $11.50. Just to dig a hole. You should have done it surreptitiously, which is what we did at my boyfriend's grandmother's funeral, is that we snuck into the cemetery and just hoped to

not get caught. Are you serious? Yeah, Ed. Why didn't you ask me? I could have done this so fucking easily. You know this is my fucking deal. I would have loved it. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a grave digger when I grew up.

This is the one time you could have used him. Yeah. Why didn't you offer it up? I didn't know. I wasn't thinking. I should have thought, like, oh, man, I got a corpse didn't know. I wasn't thinking. I should have thought, oh man, I got a corpse on my hands. I should call Marcus. Of course.

Anytime there's a corpse on anybody's hands, call Marcus. You got a guy. That's the thing. You got a guy for everything. You got a guy for bodies. Or at least a guy for holes. Absolutely. I got a guy for holes.

Don't worry about me. I got a guy for holes. Good't worry about me. I got a guy for holes. Good lord. We got Steve pretty good. I got Steve. Steve Paseka, who's there. He's been on the show. You know him as Skulk the Hulking. Go out there and listen to his album. It's absolutely amazing.

He was the only one not to meet Mama Kathleen and he made that clear at the funeral. Yeah, I asked, is anyone here not met him? I met my mother and he raised his hand and I was like, oh, well, too late. And that joke absolutely crushed. It was too late. It did.

And for those that aren't caught up to date, it crushed because she's dead. Yes. So that's why that joke kind of worked there. You can't meet her anymore. So that's kind of one of those things. What is sad, though, is I've been to a bunch of funerals in the past year, so lately I've been trying to do funeral material at stand-up.

And let me tell you, man, people don't like it. No. Bad memories. Literally the reason they're there is to not think about them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been trying to do sets and throw in this funeral material, man. It ain't working. No, a couple of great bits, though. A couple been trying to do sets and throwing this funeral material, man. It ain't working. Nope.

A couple of great bits, though. A couple of great moments there at the funeral. We love Mama Kathleen. All right. So, Marcus, let's do another news story. Yeah. This is bird news. Oh, man.

Bird news. We have to, Jackie. What? No, we have to do another news story. What do you want to do? Do you have something else to say? No, I don't have anything else to say. What was your favorite part of the funeral, Jackie?

Yeah, what was the funnest part? Oh, I don't have anything else to say. What was your favorite part of the funeral, Jackie? Yeah, what was the funnest part? Oh, I don't know about the funnest part. The funnest part was Holden being miserable the day after. I feel like my soul, like, okay, so I forgot about the fart in question, right? It's not in question. There is no question about the fart. That's how shitty things got, like, after that, because then I was then forced to ride rides in the 95 degree heat

on the boardwalk brutally hung over because my the people i were with were the only people dumb enough to stay at walter was one of them to stay at at the boardwalk hung over his fuck in 95 degree heat riding these fucking make you sick rides i I didn't understand it. So anyways, I forgot about the fart, right? I think like some of my soul left my body when I farted. That's what it sounded like. It was bit, you know, and I did take care of it in a bathroom later in a public restroom. Had you sharted? I don't like, I don't think anything got on the underpants.

I think it stayed in my ass. Oh, that's kind of nice. But, uh. Is it a common question that your girlfriend asks? Like, do you need a wipe? Baby, do you need a wipe? anything got on the underpants. I think it stayed in my ass. Oh, that's kind of nice. Is it a common question that your girlfriend asks? Do you need a wipe? She is just beloved to me. She just loves, baby, do you need a wipe? Baby, do you need a wipe? And honestly, she didn't bring it up since then

either. I will go home after this and bring the fart up and see if she remembers it, but that's how wonderful of a woman she is. She just didn't even pay it no mind. She just kept going with her day. Or that's how often gross shit happens to you. Or that's how often gross shit happens to you. And that is just kind of the clear situation.

That was Marcus in roast mode. Yeah, he's got a little rice tea. Marcus has been in roast mode for days. Yeah, man. Yeah, Steve. Speaking of Steve, I got Steve, too, later on that night. He's so fun to get. Yeah, he's so fun to get because he's a really big guy, and we're sitting next to each other, and he's like, man, it's so hot. And I leaned next to him.

I said, you ever thought about being skinny? Whoa. That was Marcus Rose. Rose mode. Rose mode. Off the cuff, man. That was some off the cuff. I was feeling real rosey.

Yeah, I was standing next to you, man. That one hurt me. Yeah. It was for you, Ed. It's all for you, baby. God is ass. Thank you. Marcus, how did it feel being roast mode?

Actually, it felt really good. It's great, right? Yeah, I didn't feel bad at all. It was weird. No, it's great. It's good times. Yeah. It's fun hurting people.

Yes. It's fun. I want my fucking L.A. privileges back, man. Roast mode. Yeah, I don't know, man. The Davenporter just totally doesn't want you to have those privileges at all, baby. I feel like you would fit in LA perfectly. I think I would do great.

You have the perfect amount of condescending, and you're so tall. You're really good at meetings. I'm great at meetings. You're really good at taking meetings, giving meetings. Lunch. You're great at lunch. I'm great at lunch. You're great at lunch.

You've never taken me to a lunch. Oh, my God. I'll take you to a lunch. Okay. Yeah, can you lunch Jackie, please? If you guys could be a fly on the wall during my business meetings, you would freak the fuck out. I am so good at business meetings.

It's insane. I would love to watch. I am so good. I am so good. Can we all go and sit on the table next to Ben at his business meeting with our menus up and just peering over? Well, I was actually thinking we could all dress up like actual flies and tape ourselves to the wall.

Don't buy me. We could bend like a big trucker hat with a camera in it. I don't know how they would like the get out of your room, get out of your room system. I swear to God. It is the best. Or the giant talking coat hanger that would be sitting next to you during this business. That's the thing. But I think something you should adopt is don't come at me with that.

That's Marcus's though. Fine, but you know what, Ben? You can have that. Don't come at me with that. You can rent it. I'll take it. Yeah, you can borrow it every once in a while. 50 bucks a day.

50 bucks a day. 50 bucks a day. Be the first congressman in history to announce a VP and bring out Marcus. Yeah. And I'll come out and I'll say, fucking pro-life, big taxes, getting into your bedroom. Don't come at me with that. All right, so apparently we're pro-life. No, I said don't come at me with pro-life. Don't come at me with that. Alright, so apparently we're pro-life. No, I said don't come at me with pro-life. Don't come at me with that. Pro-life, high taxes, you know, social issues. You guys are all confusing. So are you running on a campaign that presupposes national San Francisco radio show?

I feel like with Marcus' pro stance on everything and Ben's anti-stance, they're just going to stay where they are. Don't come at me with that. I'm not supposed to say pro-life. He said don't come at him with that. Yeah, I said don't come at me with pro-life. I'm anti-pro-life. I am pro-life.

What? It's not pro-life. It's like pro-bad father. That's right. Wait, you're wait. You're pro-life? I'm pro-human. All right, well, this is a story for another fucking podcast, I guess.

But you said stay out of your womb. Oh, no, I'm not. I am pro-life, not in the abortion sense, in the sense that we are all people. I'm about to beat the fucking shit out of you, Kissel. Why are you going to beat me up? I'm going to beat the shit out of you right now. Dude, I'm going to go pro-life. I'm going to go conservative Christian.

I'm going to beat the shit out of you right now. I just changed. I just changed. You know what? I had to come to Jesus' meeting, and going to beat the shit out of you right now. I just changed. I just changed. You know what? I had to come to Jesus meeting, and I just changed, and you guys are all idiots. So now you're in their womb, in their room, in their wallet? You're in my womb, sir? I'm in your womb.

Don't come at me with that. Don't come at me with that. Yeah, yeah. Don't come at me with that 2018. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. with that 2018. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus.

Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus.

Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus.

Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus.

Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus.

Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus.

Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus.

Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus.

Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus.

Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus.

Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus. can you dig it? Oh, can you dig it? Book! I'm loving it. Ben Kissel does heroin.

That's ridiculous. That's crazy. I'm talking to the whole thing. You're just kidding me. The liberal media don't trust them one bit. They're a bunch of liars and scavengers, and they're baby killers. That's exactly what a man shooting up at nine in the morning under the fucking Franklin

Delaware Roosevelt Bridge. Is that a bridge? Come at me with that. I'm pro-life, but for dogs. I am too. Actually, I like that. Let's join forces. Yeah, if they're in so much pain, let them live. Let them live. Get rid of dog abortions.

I agree with that. You're talking about dog abortions. Plant bitchhood. Technically not offensive. If it's for dogs. Good job, Eddie. You should get the two Dalmatians from 101 Dalmatians as your spokespeople. Glenn Close?

No. You should get Glenn Close. I don't! Definitely get Glenn Close. I'm more of a Meryl Street person. She's a good actress. I love her. She's very good in many movies. Don't come at me with that! Don't come at him. I'm not coming at you with that, because that's my whole thing. I don't come at people.

They come at me, and that's why I gotta say don't come at me with that. No? Glenn, close to your heart, far from your pussy. Vote for Ed Larson. That's your fucking slogan? Out of your room, out of your room,

out of your wallet. I like Ed's better, man. What the fuck is happening? You know what? I'm on the Glenn Close train and my whole thing is damages. Holden McNeely, the only congressman that is dressed like a coat hanger

and can actually perform abortions on people. That's my fucking platform. Can you team up with Eddie? That's it. I will learn how to perform them. I will learn how to perform abortions, and I will actually do it in fucking City Hall. Yeah. All right.

Well. Oh, yeah. Let's do bird news. I'm honestly upset with the competition here. It's a hot political season. It is a hot political season. Man, you've already got what, three rivals right now

in this room? No one's going to pay attention to anyone speaking if a man is literally performing abortions directly next to him on a woman. Why do you think we have 101 Dalmatians? I mean, he's winning at every level. Kevin, how are your support in that? Listen to what he said, man.

He said nothing. It was a pun and a formidable thought all in one. Man, it was beautiful. Glenn, close to your heart, far from your pussy. I'm putting that on my grass. I'm in it. I'm on it. Damages.

I go nowhere near your pussy. I'm putting that on my grass. I'm in it. I'm on it. Damages. I go nowhere near your pussy. Put it in larks. I like it. Well, that's a good point, Eddie. I like it. I actually have to support that. Keep up with the coat hanger. Very nice.

All right, Marcus. I'm just mad. Personally, I'm mad the coat hanger is not as closeted as I wanted him to be. That's true. I'll suck the guy's dick on camera, though, if that'll get me elected. I'll do anything to get elected. Yeah, but then you not as closeted as I wanted him to be. That's true. I'll suck a guy's dick on camera, though, if that'll get me elected. I'll do anything to get elected. Yeah, but then you're not closeted.

Right, I'm out. I'll suck his dick in a closet. There we go. Or you can return to the bridge. Right. Or, like a lot of Republican senators, in a bathroom. Yeah, why not?

Or at the RNC convention. Yep. Did you guys see all of the Craigslist casual encounters at the Republican National Convention? A lot of dicks floating around that place. All the gay apps. All the grinders and the scruffs. Ah. Just spiked.

Like crazy. And for more political news, listen to Ablegan's Top Hat. But Jackie, why are you looking at me like that? You're not actually pro-life, are you? No, I'm not pro-life. I am pro-life. I am pro-choice. I am pro- people. Pro-people. He's talking about robots.

That's what he's talking about. He's anti-robot. I'm about to get pissed the fuck off. Well, you know what? Ben is speaking in circles aka he's a man we cannot trust. That's ridiculous, Kevin. It sounds like you're a man I can't trust. That's absurd. There's no way you can't trust me. It's been a hard weekend, okay?

It has been. I told you I've been yelling at strangers. What do you think I'm going to do to my loved ones? What have you been yelling at strangers? Man, I've been yelling. What? What are you looking at? I've been feeling too much.

When I feel too much, I can't keep it to myself, so I project it at other people. You wish this was yours. Yeah. Hell yeah. Hey, I'm walking here. Yeah. Why don't you go ahead and suck my nipples? Yep.

It seems like you're accosting the people. Yay. You like the front. You should see the back. Ooh, yeah. Yeah. I was so upset last night I watched Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Oh, my God. It's so upsetting. Oh my god. Don't get me started. What? Don't come at me with that. That's Cedric. Spoiler alert, Marcus, please.

Oh no, I'm just saying he's close. I'm not saying he's dead, I'm saying he's close. Alright, Marcus, let's do another news story. Bird news? Bird news. Can it please be bird news? It's gonna be bird news. People have been warned to be on their guard for seagulls off their beaks on acid.

Hell yeah. That they've been ingested by gobbling up swarms of flying ants. Clouds of the insects took flight on Monday, a.k.a. Flying Ant Day, which is an actual day, as queen ants emerged from hiding to search of mates pursued by millions of male drones. But one expert said the ants were, quote, like M&Ms for seagulls and flocks of the birds will dive and swoop through the air to feast on them. Gull expert Tony Whitehead said the ants leave the gulls distracted and excitable as they forget to look where they're going.

He said the gulls are mad for them. All right, very exciting. And an increase in attacks and nuisance behavior by seagulls has been reported in the past, reportedly due to them getting drunk on the formic acid created by the large number of flying ants they gorge themselves on and they lose their inhibitions. So seagulls get drunk. I'd say having a bunch of fucked up seagulls is better than having a bunch of flying ants. Yep.

Yeah. I agree. Flying ants are evil as fuck. I never dealt with the flying ants. Oh, my God. We have them in Florida. They're a nightmare. Yeah.

We once rented a car in South Florida because our car was in the shop when I was a kid. We rented the car. We turned on the air conditioning and then fucking flying ants started flying out of the goddamn air conditioning. That's a funny prank, though. We got hot dogs. Yeah. You got hot dogs? Well, we couldn't get back in the car, and there's a hot dog truck, so we got some hot dogs.

I definitely did think of a literal flying ants where they're just screaming at you for not waking up early enough and screaming at you about your mother because they you know the mother wasn't a very good sister and things like that this just reminds me of uh henry uh a bunch of pigeons came out of our car and he was slamming on the horn as if pigeons knew what to do when they hear a horn hawk but instead they kept flying up in front of the car and then perching right in front of the car and flying up in front of the car and then perching right up in front of the car and then perching right in front of the car and flying up in front of the car and then perching right up in front of the car because the horns were just scaring the pigeons. You just gotta hit them slowly. Like, give them a little tap. Be like, I'm gonna run you over if you don't move. Like a cow

and a chicken in a pasture. I mean, that's the thing. That's what you're supposed to do, but sometimes, I think those pigeons were fucked up. I think the pigeons were wrong with the seagulls. Drunk pigeons? Yeah. Something, man. They were not moving. That cow eating the chicken thing didn't even fuck with me. I can't believe people got so upset.

Yeah, I can't believe people got upset about that at all. Yeah, you could barely see it. It was in his mouth the whole time. It was bloodied. Yeah, two animals being stupid. Yeah. Yeah. No, it really bothered people.

Wow. It really did. We didn't hear the sound. I feel like the sound was a big part of it. It is a cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep. It's no screech? Or a bone crunch?

It's a baby chick. It doesn't have a high vocal range. Just cheeps. Yeah, it was just fine. I used to stay at this dude's house. We probably talked about this before. We're in the morning. We would go to the pet store, get a bunch of mice, and then it was feeding day and and we'd all gather around each cage of each reptile,

and we'd feed the mice to each reptile, and it was a glorious morning ritual. I loved it. Every Sunday morning, I got to see that. That reminded me of that. It was nothing. It was easy. Nothing at all. These day people haven't seen real shit, man. I remember, like, my friend in North Carolina, I'd go over his house sometimes in the summer.

I remember one time, he was like, hey, man, you summer. I remember one time he was like, hey man, you want to see something cool? I was like, what's that? And he goes downstairs and he opens up the fireplace and there's about 20 dead bluebirds in there. And it was cool. That was the cool thing to see. Why were they down there? I don't know. He didn't explain it. I didn't ask. I just accepted it for what it was.

The prettier the bird, the more upsetting it is when it's dead. They were beautiful. Bluebirds are a beautiful bird. Blue birds are a beautiful bird. Blue birds are a beautiful bird. Yeah, if it was just a bunch of dead wrens, nobody would care. Yeah, who gives a fuck about a wren? A wren? No.

If it was a bunch of big birds painted blue, I would be upset. Strangled to death, big birds. I always felt the best way to kill a turkey would be drown it in a toilet. We should take a video of that and show it at the next Last Podcast live show. Absolutely. That's fucking Thanksgiving. That's right. Well, turkeys are notoriously complete fuckers.

Oh, yeah. No, that's why it would be a struggle. You get all scratched up and shit. It would peck at you. You might even fucking lose an eye. I was just at like a big kind of farm place in Florida with Lexi there were a bunch of turkeys and I was like we are not going anywhere near those

fuckers cause they will fuck you up there's a bunch of wild turkeys on the end of Long Island just mean wild turkeys they're everywhere down there they'll run in front of your car they'll just get at you and they'll harass you

they're like the cat callers of the bird world. They're stupid. Yeah, the construction workers of the bird world. If you're a construction worker, I think you're a great, respectable person. But, you know. Is that true? Not necessarily. Sounds like you're really forcing what you're saying.

I'm running on a platform, so I have to kind of keep things PC, okay? I was going to say, are you anti construction worker as a platform? I would throw up before I did it, but I would absolutely perform an abortion on a construction worker. Wow. Wow. Kevin, turkeys, you like them? Bird luger? I like turkeys, man. Yeah? In both forms. Dead and alive. Food.

They're good. Beautiful animals. Alright, now it's time for a segment from Mulder McNeil. Alright. You thought we couldn't get sadder, but we're about to. We're all going to share a memory of Mama Kathleen, Ed's mom. Make them quick. Make them fast. Make

them easy. We're trying to make Ed cry here, so let's really beef it up, guys. Just choose the time she was racist. It'll be fun. Yeah, I wanted to go with the time she beat you with a telephone cord, but I wasn't there. She beat me with a telephone and a bag of wood. Right.

I wasn't there for either of those. Eddie, what is the worst time your mother ever physically abused you? She hit me in the face with a baseball when I was sleeping. Really? And why was that? What did you do wrong while you were sleeping? I don't know. It's hard to ask questions after that.

You know what I'm saying? Like, the first thing you can think of is just like, oh, my God, my face hurts. Right. And it goes from there. It's hard to kind of ask, like, why would you do that? Mine was when she made cookies for all of us at a Murderfish show, and she handed cookies out to the entire audience, and it was such a great, happy so oh my god so i found this recipe book and i was like wait are there pumpkin squares in it dude are you you're gonna fucking be so mad i was going

through it it's like to ed my son is most beautiful nice thing and on the top of the page it just says ed's pumpkin squares and then the rest of the page is blank. No! No, the pumpkin squares! The pumpkin squares! Because when I talked to Gucci about it, I was like, I have to get the recipe for the pumpkin squares. No, no, she used that pen you buy as soon as you dye the ink erases. No, no, that's what happened. Oh, my God, the pumpkin squares.

The pumpkin squares were all I wanted. There's no way she didn't have a recipe. There's no way she bought them from the store and told you that she made them. That's awesome. Oh, no, that's what happened. Oh, God, the pumpkin squares. The pumpkin squares were all I wanted. There's no way she didn't have a recipe. There's no way she bought them from the store and told you that she made them. That's awesome. Oh, wow. Good for her. I am so legitimately upset about that. The recipe for Ed's pumpkin squares, go down to Hank's Bakery, buy 12 pumpkin squares.

That could be your memory when we get to you. I was going to make you pumpkin squares. Well, there's no recipe for it. Well, you fucking can't. Kevin? I mean, I guess I'll just stick with the racism, as Ed said. I just remember the first time I met her within five minutes, she was already racist towards Asians.

And I was like, I don't know if this is okay. But then at the same time, I didn't know any personally at that moment. So I was fine with it. And for a while, I forgot it was your mom. And I just remembered her as the lady who hated Asian people. And I figured she was old enough to do that. Ah, so good. Ben?

Well, we had a great Thanksgiving together. It was honestly one of the best Thanksgivings. For the record books, for sure. For the record books, it is the number one Thanksgiving of all time. Eddie was so kind to invite me to Thanksgiving. I wasn't speaking to my family at the time, or I as close as I am now with them and I'm not very close to them now. And his mom allowed me to come over.

So we went over to her house and she was unbelievable. She was cooking the entire time. Eddie and I were drinking and doing other things in the garage. And long story short, the dog ended up dead. My mom's roommate's dog broke its back going down three stairs because it was too fat.

Yeah, and because your mother— And the only way it wouldn't cry and yelp in pain is when we laid it on top of Ben. Yeah, so I'm holding a dying dog the entire day. I believe it was the lions playing the cowboys, as they always do on Thanksgiving and things like that, and your mother was frantic, and you were taking care of her, and she cooked some amazing food. My mom's sugar dropped, and she started running around with no shirt on.

Yeah, so I did see his mother nude before she passed away, and I have to say, great set. One of the better ones I've ever seen, and it was really sweet. And she was amazing. She was one of those people that, you know, the only thing that it took her for, if she loved you, if you liked Ed. If Ed liked you, she loved you. Yep. And that was it with Mama Kathleen.

That was the only standard that had to be passed, is if Eddie liked you, she immediately took you in as if you were her own. Although, you know, obviously she didn't have to go through the horrors of birthing all of us. So she was great. So it was a great Thanksgiving. Long story short, anyway, so the roommate ends up coming home crying

after putting the dog down. You were helping your mother stay alive. She was killing her dog. It was a hell of a thing. Dog's name was Romeo. It's no longer. And as tragic as Romeo and Juliet was.

We just kept feeding them. Yeah, we had to. It was the only thing that made him kind of happy. As he was slowly dying. So that was fun. Walter? First off, I don't know how many times at parties and such when Ed's mom would be there, but he would immediately be like, Mom, go talk to Walter.

And she'd come over to me and we would hang out for hours. But my favorite memory of her is her doing the first Murderfist Christmas special up in New York. And I don't remember what the sketch was, but it had something to do with Ed being attached to an umbilical cord that was also attached to your mom in the front row. She started eating cheeseburgers. I pretended like I was getting full. It was a good joke.

It was very funny. I didn't get much. I thought it was funny. That has always stuck with me. Only because of her performance. Not as much as the actual joke itself. because we went over it with her and she was great and it was awesome. But when it came time to performance, she did like this crazy dance and started like screaming as much as she could. And that will never leave my mind.

And I was just like, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. But she was dancing. It was crazy. And that image is forever in my mind. That's my. Oh, man. Fantastic. Jackie.

So Ed recently cut his hair. The last time he cut his hair was on his 30th birthday party. There was a show for it. It was dog shit. Yeah, it was dog shit. It was dog shit with Kissel. At the Pyramid Club. At the Pyramid Club.

So it was underneath. It was in a basement. And she made a bunch of, like, that's why forever, anytime I think of Mama Kathleen, I think of, like, she comes into town, we're eating pumpkin squares. Because I have no idea how the fuck she made them. I'm so pissed off that they're not in that book. But I just wanted to make those pumpkin squares.

She made the pumpkin squares. There's, like, other pumpkin recipes. Not that. But I want that one. You I just wanted to make those pumpkin squares. She made the pumpkin squares. There's like other pumpkin recipes, but not that. But I want that one. You know the one I want. But she also made a bunch of cupcakes. And she was so upset because Ed was getting sheared. He was getting shaved on stage. His hair

was getting shaved off. And she was so upset that no one was eating any of the cupcakes that she made that like Ed's mom is so similar to my mom that I started eating as many cupcakes as I could fit into my body I started forcing

people to eat I was like have a cupcake they're like no no no have fucking cupcake and I just remember mom Kathleen was like oh my god they're eating the cupcakes I knew they were good I was worried they were dry but I know that they're good and Kathleen was like, oh, my God, they're eating the cupcakes. I knew they were good. I was worried they were dry, but I know that they're good. And I was like, they are the best cupcakes I've ever had.

And I forced everybody to eat as many cupcakes as they put in their fucking body. And I was just like, because she's just reminding my mom so much. And I was like, yeah, sometimes. Sometimes you gotta force people to fucking eat what you put your love into. I agree. Absolutely. Marcus? Well, she had me and Doug,

Dougie's boyfriend from the Cowmen, she had us over for Christmas one year when we couldn't make it back home. And it was fantastic. It was one of my favorite Christmases ever. But we were out in the garage getting blazed out of our fucking skulls. As you do on Christmas.

As you do on Christmas. And then she came out there and made us rearrange her garage. Oh, they're stoned. They want to do creative things. Stoned as fuck. She's like, no, no, no, put it over there. Move the extra back. But it was a really fantastic Christmas.

And she made us feel like her own She was like that It was one of the best Christmases I've ever had You know anyone attached to Eddie It was like the only people that mattered to her Was you and anyone that you loved Alright no winner we all win They're all beautiful stories

You win because you knew my mom How about that that's sweet Sounds good to me. I'm all fucking sad. Jackie, please, just drink through it. Yeah, just drink through it, Jackie. What's wrong with you? That's what Mama Kathleen wants.

All right, we drink through it. Hey, if anybody wants to, diabetes is what killed my mom. So we set up a donation page, and I'll post it on the Roundtable Facebook group. So if you want to donate to diabetes in my mom's name, we've already raised $1,500. That's amazing. Or just start sending Ed healthier food because he's going to have to be dealing with it.

I'm definitely going to get diabetes. And you gave your mother diabetes. Yeah, and my father is diabetes, and he just lost a foot. Is that right? Didn't they send you a picture of the amputated foot the day your mother died? Absolutely.

That is a fact. Honestly, we get the email. I get an email from Jeff Ross. Sad news from Jeff. And then I call Eddie and he's like yeah, my father just his wife or something sent to you. Took a picture of him with no

leg. Him just pissed off. Looking at the camera like, why the fuck are you taking this picture? The only picture in the flip book was of Eddie's father. The only one picture of Eddie's father was him flicking off the camera. Oh, yeah. Well, I did that on purpose. Yeah. It was very cute.

That's amazing. Anyway. All right. We love Mama Kathleen. Thanks for listening. Absolutely. So no plugs this week? I'm kidding.

We can do a plug. We're good. I plugged the fucking donation page. Mama Kathleen, thanks for listening. Absolutely. So no plugs this week? I'm kidding. We can do a plug. I plugged the fucking donation page. Do the donations. Donate to Diabetes. That's it. Goodbye, everybody. Bye, everybody. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to CaveComedyRadio.com.