The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 299: The Mattress Dilema

Episode Date: September 13, 2016

The gang discusses gushes about their relationships, learns about a some drug addict racehorses, and shares their opinions about zoos.

The Roundtable. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Ladies and gentlemen, and let them go watch what fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Let's start the show. Oh, yeah, this is the roundtable.

You're curating, oh, I'm sorry, for this segment, it's prom, high school prom. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, I like that. All right, who's praying today? You are. Eddie, it's you. You are. It's me?

It's your turn. Is it? Yeah, I pulled the one last time. GR, we said that, Jew are. I don't think anyone ever said that. Jew did. What the hell? You better pray to Moses, you fuck.

And really bring it today, too. Really bring the funny today, you know? Yeah, bring it out. Yeah. Thank you, Moses, for being you and for, you know, having a great religion and for making Jesus. That was nice. I don't know, Jackie. I don't know anything about Moses, so to be fair, maybe he

did make Jesus. He parted the waters, right? Red Sea, man. Is that what he did? Yeah, and he let the Jews out of the desert. Stop slavery, goddammit! He made a snake, a stick, a snake. He's the before Jesus, Abraham Lincoln. Pre-Jeez. No kidding, huh? Pre-Jeezy. Hell of a guy.

Thank you, Moses, for all the movies. Alright, that'll be it. for all the movies. All right. That'll be it. What were the movies? Ten Commandments? Anything that Hollywood has ever done. Ben-Hur.

They did one recently. Ben-Hur. Ben-Hur bombed. They lost $150 million. Ben-Hur bombed ass. It was a piece of shit. No thanks, you, Moses. You don't need to remake the Ten Commandments.

No. Unless you're actually going to rewrite the laws, which I think is a great idea. The Fifteen Commandments. I agree with that. Amen. So this is the roundtable. I am Ben Kissel. That's Jackie Zabrowski.

Yeah, I'm here. Low ballin'. Jackie Zabrowski. That's what they call me, baby. My balls hang low, but my tits hang high. No, Jackie, I want to throw this out to the audience. Listeners, let me know what you think about Jackie's lowball offer. We got a Casper mattress.

It was delivered from Casper, the company. They're a supporter of Last Podcast on the left. Great mattresses. The best mattresses around. Kissel's mattress has been sitting here for weeks. They delivered a sub. The mattresses are worth nearly $1,000. And even more if you sleep on them.

And Jackie offered me $50. $75. I. $75. I said $75. Kissel doesn't want the mattress. I do want the mattress. He has not taken the mattress. And he has plans to. I have plans.

It has been a burden to the studio for weeks. Burden. Like the one ring. It has not been a burden to the studio. Do you know how many times I have moved that fucking thing from one place to another? It's a table. Why are you touching it? And it's heavy.

And he's going to have back issues and he can sue your fucking whole ass. No, he can't sue my whole ass. Or it's going to make him stronger and eventually save his life. All you have to do is take my $75 and I will get it out of here and Marcus never has to think about it ever again. It's worth $1,000. You didn't pay for it. $200. I like Eddie.

Eddie's doing $200. Eddie is giving it. And Eddie, if you are serious about that offer, you have a deal, my friend. Ed, if you take that mattress, you know. Julian would be so happy if I brought you up. His girlfriend would be so happy. Julian will ruin you if you take that mattress. How could you ruin me?

That's not a question to ask, Jackie, right now. You do not want to know. Once you flip that bitch switch, there ain't no going back. You're flipping the bitch switch. Is the switch being flipped? Yeah, when were you nice? You get the switch. You get the mattress.

Do you want to see what's worse than this? That's a good point. You get the mattress. Flip is switch. Flip is switch. Doesn't make sense, but that's... We got shooters out there, man. Yeah.

I'm not sure. All right, Ed Larson, but that's... You got shooters out there, man. Yeah. I'm not sure. All right, Ed Larson, you're here. How you doing? Yep. Good. Love my mattress. Love my Miami Dolphins. They are one minute left.

We're about to beat the Seahawks. Game one. Those fuckers, they were favored by 10 points. Wow. It's a new life. It's a whole new vision for my guys. Another football season has begun. We have a great defense.

If they don't score, we win. Ball games. Well, your defense, it's rare that the defense scores, isn't it? Well, no. It's like if they don't score, we win. Oh, I see. So this is what, the sixth Dolphins season that we've had with you here on the roundtable? However many we've been doing this.

And how many times have you started off the season by saying the exact same thing? Never with a win. Never with a win. Never. We still could lose this. We still could lose this. We still could lose this. It's very close. So I'm very excited to hear the update.

I'm hoping things turn sour just for my amusement. Oh, man. We have my family's from Seattle, so they just been sending me pictures of the Cove. Oh, they just won? Are you serious? No, no, no. Wait, wait. Seahawks won?

Did the Seahawks win? There's 31 seconds left in the fourth quarter, and the Seahawks are up by two. I checked my phone three minutes ago. Mattress karma. My phone still has the old score. That sounds like some mattress karma to me, Jackie. Sounds like you flipped a fucking bitch. It's a deal. It's a deal, Eddie. 2-15. 2-15? Now we're getting somewhere. 2- Jackie. Sounds like you flipped a fucking bitch. 200 bucks. It's a deal.

It's a deal, Eddie. 2.15. 2.15? Now we're getting somewhere. 2.50. I don't give a shit. All right. It's worth 1,000.

That's good. Your wife is, or your girlfriend's going to be extremely happy with the new cast. Or your wife. Did you pop the question? Oh, my God. Congratulations. Is there a roundtable wedding? What was it?

A 9.8? What did you give her? Yeah, she's a 9.8 and I'm proud of her. Interesting. Oh, is that what you did? You did the 1 to 10 scale with your girlfriend? Yeah, he did the 1 to 10. You guys love me. You 9.8-ed it?

She's a 9. Our relationship is, she's a 10. You always say 11. No, no, no. Our relationship is a 9.8. No, no. It's a beautiful 9.8. So what are the problems there?

What do you mean, what are the problems? The 0.2 of the problems. What was the deduction? All the problems are my8. So what are the problems there? What do you mean, what are the problems? The.2 of the problems. What was the deduction? All the problems are my fault. What's the.2? What do you mean? What are you guys fighting about? There's always room for improvement.

Always room. Yikes. Well, Casper Mattress is going to put that to a 10, my friend. That's the improvement. Luckily for the lady, she's got some time to nag on the engagement. So we have some time before the wedding. I don't have enough money to marry her. Spend it all on the goddamn mattress.

That's good. You're going to have a $200 wedding. That's what you're looking at. Not enough for napkins. Yeah, it's going to be in a field. And then, you know, whoever makes it, makes it. Okay, good. I actually kind of love that idea.

Standing room only. Yeah, totally. Can I sit on the ground? Okay, good. I actually kind of love that idea. Standing room only. Yeah. Totally. Can I sit on the ground? You have to. You have to sit on the ground. It's $4. Oh, you're going to charge people to sit on the ground.

Oh, that way we can get some beer for later on. Make money back. I see. Hey, make it a bringer. I'm going to charge a cover for my fucking wedding. That's a great idea. That's a great idea. I need an excuse not to go.

Yeah. Totally. Well, that's the thing. I'll make it a really crazy destination wedding, first of all. It'll be like in Syria or something. So like three people will show up. And I'll charge a cover, like a $20 cover. And then for the people that can't be there, what you do is you put up a live stream, charge them $3 for the live stream.

That's more money. Yeah, more money on the live stream. They get a subscription button. They can watch. Yeah, this is great. I'll make money off of this fucking dumb thing. This implies that your girlfriend's going to say yes. This does imply that.

She has time. She has time. So you are planning on doing it. Oh, we're getting there, buddy. Yeah. Is this what we're talking about with the round table right now? This is what we're talking about. Love is in the air.

What are you getting there, Jackie? Love is in the air. Love is in the air. Hold it. My breasts are for everyone. Your breasts are looking great. Your breasts are looking particularly good today. The live show Marcus and I attended.

Leave Jackie alone. Are you pregnant? No, I'm not. I got the fuck banged out of me earlier so maybe that's what it is. They're swollen with cum. Is that how it works? I think that's what it is. Instead of going to my uterus because I'm like don't go in there there Don't want babies yet So the cum goes into my breast

It shoots right into the breast Maybe use a condom Maybe Fuck this Ain't no time for that baby Ain't no time for that dick Yeah I agree

What's your policy on safe sex Ben? Safe sex? I don't know Wear a seatbelt So let's see here I will say Hold on We went to the Murderfist show, Marcus and I, and Kevin as well.

You guys all came. It was a great show. It was the final show that they were doing at the pit. Murderfist is not done. They'll be at Sketchfest as well. Or Cinderblockfest, but we don't play that festival. Holden, your shirt was off for a sketch and I have to ask, are you healthy?

Yes, I've been banging on them abs, slapping my abs every day for 20 minutes a day. Yes. I just hit my abs. Your back lump seems to have gotten larger. It is getting bigger, yeah. Well, it's dead skin cells, so the more dead skin cells, they all kind of collect in the lump. They congregate there.

Yeah. Do you want me to drain it for you? $250. Okay, so I'll give you $250. For the mattress? If I can drain his lump. Nope, absolutely not. I don't want you to drain it. I want Eddie to drain it for you, $250. Okay, so I'll give you $250. For the mattress? If I can drain his lung. Nope, absolutely not. I don't want you to drain it.

Why do you need to drain it? What? Ed, I would be so meticulous with the draining. Have you gotten a back rub? I'd get it out, for sure. Have you gotten a back massage from Ed? Yeah, but you know how forceful he would be trying to squirt out your lung?

Oh, yeah, we'd have to put a wooden spoon in your mouth, for sure. I would do it with finesse. I've always wanted that. It's intense. Okay, so you're doing good. Yeah, I'm doing great. Hold Nader's hoe.

All my fans out there, thank you so much for your support. The new podcast, I've got a lot of really friendly things on Wizard and the Bruisers, so we'll be at you, what is it, Gundam this week? Yeah, Gundam. Gundam on Thursday. But either way, my many fans, thank you so much. Maybe consider starting to throw me money. Maybe.

You're one show in. You're asking for money. Not all the things I do for my mini fans. You can ask for it any time. All the things. I'll fucking hang out, too. I'll go to your place and we'll fucking eat hot dogs or something. I got two other shows.

That sounds horrible. If you want to give me money, I'll buy a mattress. You can ask for money, too. We can all ask for money. I don't want to ask for money because I'm better than that. Oh. Oh, my goodness. Damn.

I'm not. I'm starting up PayPal. I'm lowering my bid to $150. What the hell is happening? You're low-balling it. I'm getting low-balled again. Kissel, $175. Unbelievable.

This is what we should do. We should all set up. It's worth $1,000. We should all set up GoFundMes for the mattress, right? Whoever gets the most money from the GoFundMe gets the mattress. It's a popularity contest, and we'll get tons of money out of it because at the end of the day, we'll still get the money for the mattress and we can just spend it on whatever.

But wait, don't you have to give the money to Ben? Isn't Ben the ultimate winner in this? Ben is the ultimate victim. So whoever is the... He's having to sleep on that horrible bed that he sleeps on. I have a great bed. You've had it since high school. Yes.

You're 35 years old. I'm old. So keep it. Give me the mattress. No. $50. That's an insult, man. It was nearly $1,000.

It almost makes me want to pay $300 for it just to burn it in front of you. You can do whatever you want with that mattress once you get it. You can do whatever you want with that fucking thing. No, we would prefer if you slept on it and went to Casper mattresses, casper.com slash L-A-S-T and put in the code L-A-S-T or is it L-E-F-T to get $50 off your Casper mattress. The thing about Casper mattresses is they're really fun to watch burn. Burn it down. Who needs a Casper?

I'm not going to. Whoa. Are we starting to talk shit about our sponsor? It's not our sponsor. I'm not going to do it. I love them. They're great. I hear they're wonderful.

I like their fart-proof lining. Fart-proof lining? They do have a fart-proof lining. It never soaks in the farts. That's right. All right. Do you want to do shout-outs or anything? You know what? a fart-proof lining. It never soaks in the farts. That's right. All right. Do you want to do shout-outs or anything? You know what?

I biffed it. We're going to do them next week. We're going to do a lot. We're going to do a proud. I got tons of them. You want money. I have a lot of them. You want money, but you always biff the thing.

I don't want money, Ben. I need money. I see. You understand my lifestyle these days. Yes. I buy rims. I don't even have a car to put them on. He's got rims all over his apartment.

I got rims all over my apartment. What's the point of that? I love them. I can't get enough of them. I can see my face in them. You know what I'm saying? Everyone's like, buy a mirror, buy a mirror.

It's like, what's the fucking fun in that, pussy bitch? That's a good point. That is a good point. Try not to curse on the show. Oh, sure. I forgot.

Casper mattresses. Keeping it clean. Kevin, you're here you're successful I'm here man I just realized on this episode I'm the only round table member

right now that don't got no bitch I got nobody man nothing at all you are very lonely I am completely alone and you know I got back in town

Tuesday yeah and I spent a good five days not leaving the house at all. Because you don't have to if nobody's trying to talk to you. It's a nice luxury. Let me tell you something about being completely in the house and only leaving your room to go to the bathroom for five days at a time.

It's depressing. How is it depressing? You put yourself in solitary confinement, and you're not loving it. I built a fortress of solitude, and I thought it was something I would enjoy. Well, you still haven't fixed up your room. Why don't you get the mattress? I gotta go.

You gotta get the mattress. I thought you had a bunch of bitches. Yeah, like four to five bitches. Should we get you a new one? Send in some pics for Kevin. Let's get him a new girlfriend. He's tough, man.

He likes Asians. It's hard out there in the streets. And Cubans. Also, if you ever consider getting married to yourself. You can't do that. No, no, no. Or a dog. No, unimarriage, not allowed.

Or a dog. They wouldn't let me back in Jamaica, man. That's a good point. All right, Marcus, should we do a news story? Yeah, let's do a news story. Let's go to Texas for our first news story. Aloha. Yes, please.

At least five winning racehorses have been disqualified from races at Lone Star Park in Grand Prairie, Texas this year after the horses tested positive for trace amounts of methamphetamines. tested positive for trace amounts of methamphetamines. The horses tested positive for the methamphetamine during a thoroughbred race meet held April 7th through July 17th. During that time, the commission also reported seven human

drug violations, and officials believe the horses may have been contaminated by their handlers. Do they snuff it? I don't know how they do it. That's what I was wondering as well. Probably shove it in their ass. Maybe. I mean, I just pictured the before and after pictures of the horse, you know, without the meth, and then six months later with the meth looking, I guess, more horse-like. I was just looking up, this afternoon I was looking up videos of enemas and douches.

What was that? Because I didn't really understand what they were. You didn't know what an enema or a douche was? How long have you been a woman, Jack? I didn't know how they, well, you're not supposed to douche. I didn't know, well,ema or a douche was? How long have you been a woman, Jack? I didn't know how. Well, you're not supposed to douche. I didn't know. Well, the Dolphins lost. Yeah, the Dolphins lost.

Did the Dolphins lose? I wanted to say it, but I wanted to break the news. I've actually had it up on the screen for a while now. They lost by two points. Yeah, they lost by two points. They lost by two. Yeah, their quarterback got sacked on the very last play. And how do you feel?

He got sacked. I mean, you know what? We were supposed to lose by ten. And he also fumbled as well when he got sacked in the very last play. And how do you feel? He got sacked. I mean, you know what? We were supposed to lose by 10. And he also fumbled as well when he got sacked. His hands don't work so well. Interesting. That's the thing. He's got those craggly hands.

I don't understand why. It was like an embarrassing loss. It was an embarrassing loss. You're supposed to lose by 11, and you lose by 2. It's not that bad. But it's still kind of worse because they could have won. Right. And then at the very end, he got sacked.

He got pummeled. The emotional rollercoaster. Thank God I can't watch it, and I'm here supporting our fans. That's right. Are you going to ask for money now, too? Free ass comedy. I just want to fucking win. That's all I want. He took his now to it? Free ass comedy I just wanna fucking win That's all I want

He took his hat off Put your hat back on And he is so sad Put the dolphin's hat back on Alright there they go They're still a football team Come on leave them alone If everybody who listens to this ponies up

50 cents We'll have like $20 Great pitch And then what? And we'll spin it on I don't know Booze I was gonna say booze

We get pretty cheap booze. Some fun, let's get like a slip and slide. $20? Yeah. Let's all go ride the cyclone three times. Three times? Cyclone ride once a year. $20?

What world are you living in? State bucks a turn. All right, we could also go watch horses race. I do like the idea of them being all messed up on crystal methamphetamine. That made them race faster? Well, it turns out that the horses were contaminated by the handlers, so that means that the handlers were all on meth.

And it's five different horses. The horses' names are Cape Caduceus. Jesus Christ. Jackie, did you name that one? They douched it! That's what I'm saying, man. Cape Caduceus. Majestic Holiday.

It's About the Cat. Cheval. Who the fuck named this goddamn horse? It's About the Cat. That is no doubt in my mind these motherfuckers were doing crystal meth. You don't name a horse It's About the Cat. It's not a horse's name. That's like an improv group.

It's About the Cat. There's Cheval de Montaigne. And Gospel Teresa, which makes a little bit of sense. I like Gospel Teresa. I don't like Gospel Teresa. What is that one? That's a pretty good horse name. It's a horse that wears a fucking meth head cap. Total meth head. Meth head horse.

It's about the cat. That's my favorite new horse. So Jackie, were you watching just videos of shit water coming out of asses? Yeah, it was more so that it was showing the application of each thing. I was more interested in douches because I didn't exactly, I was like, oh, they shove something

up there and then it makes it smell good, which is not good for your vagina. Yeah, it's not good for you. So why isn't it good for you? Because it ruins the bacteria because a vagina is self-cleansing. It's like a cat's mouth. I thought douches were the only way that women survived.

No, you're not supposed to douche. You can't douche. The same with like you can't use scented tampons. Because people are... Do you soap it out? You just wash yourself. That's it. And also, doesn't the pee-pee get right in the pussy hole when they pee-pee?

No. I mean, the pee-pee comes out of the pee-pee hole. The pee-pee hole is above the pussy hole, so wouldn't it come out? It's a different hole. Doesn't it just trickle down and dribble down? A trickle down effect. You wipe up.

God, I want you to do an anatomy class so bad. I just want to punk a whole bunch of NYC. Health class, which also means I would be a PE teacher and a coach of a sport, so I would love to do that for a year. Oh my God, it'd be hilarious. All those things at a high school. How much is a pee pee hole? To buy one? To purchase one? It depends on if it to do that for a year. Oh my God, that would be hilarious. All those things at a high school. How much is a pee-pee hole?

To buy one? To purchase one? It depends on if it's a man or a woman. You can use a middle finger. Oh, okay. How much was yours? My pee-pee hole? 25 cents. Not bad. Cheap pee-pee hole, that's what I'm about. I said, put a pee-pee seat pipe over there.

Get it, Tonya. Oh no, it's big. Yeah, it's a big PVC pipe. But the BP just flows right out. Isn't that something? It flows like wine. Okay. With an enema, you have to use a bag. Yeah, it's a big bag.

It's a whole thing. What? It's a big bag. I got an enema once. Yeah, they say, first of all, take your time. Take your time. Take your time. When the bag is empty, clamp off the shut off

and slowly remove the rectal tube. Clamp off the shut off? Oh, that's a terrifying sentence. When the bag is empty, clamp off the shut off and slowly remove the rectal tube. You shoved a tube up your ass? I didn't do it. The doctors did it.

And they also trained a lot of people while doing it to me. They were watching you? Yeah, I had no idea. They were watching you? Yeah, yeah. I had no idea. They're like, all right, we're going to give you an enema, see if we can get these kidney stones out or something. I don't even, it doesn't even make any sense.

Is that in your bladder? Yeah. No, it doesn't make any sense. But they gave it to me anyway. You were a guinea pig? And they all laughed at you? And then while they were doing it, I was like, all right, let's do it. And then I turned around.

There was like fucking 10 people in my little tent. I was like, what are they all doing here? I was like, oh, you know, just training. They didn't announce them? Yeah, no, they didn't even tell. I was like fucking 10 people in my little tent. I was like, what are they all doing here? I was like, oh, you know, just training. You didn't announce them? Yeah, no, I didn't even tell them. I was fucking. Would you rather announce them? Yeah.

Yeah, I was like a little bit of warning. You're not the victim here, Eddie. I got trained on my hernia, too. Some guy was like pushing my hernia through my balls, like back in me while I'm upside down. Fucking, I always get the training squad. Well that makes sense because it'd be like the bigger fatter body that you'd want to train people on because it's larger more easy to see the parts.

More of a big screen film than a television movie. Yeah. Yeah that's a good point. So did you feel violated at all or do you think that you. I didn't feel violated they still fixed me you know. That's nice. I'm glad you got to learn he's got to learn. I just don't get learn. I don't understand how people get into medicine. It's disgusting.

I'd rather have someone training on me because at least you know they're doing it properly. Because it's like, oh, we have to teach them how to do it, go through all of the steps. Because I feel like a lot of doctors do the slip shot way. They be like, oh no, I'm just gonna go whoop. Oh no, it's done. Everything's fine. Because they don't fucking give a fuck.

They don't care. I don't trust doctors. The crazy one was when I had my nosebleed, the ear, nose, and throat guy. Oh, yeah, I remember that. The nosebleed, for those that don't remember, Holden had a nosebleed for, I believe it was nine days. Over a week.

It was tough. It was bleeding profusely every hour. You're so upset. It couldn't. It tried and tried and tried and it could not get away. It would not stop. Yeah. It wanted to. It was hard on all of us, to be fair. It tried and tried and tried and it could not stop. It would not stop. It was hard on all of us to be fair. It really was. We went through a lot

then. It was bad. And when I was getting kind of fixed up, like he cauterized the wound or whatever, blah blah blah blah blah. It was getting, it was on the men, but he was like don't, you know, don't like just keep your nose intact. Don't mess with the bugs up there, right? For a week or something like that. So that was like you couldn't

pick your nose. Right. Couldn't pick my nose. Couldn't blow my nose. Nothing. Do anything with the nose. No getting the stuff out. So it was a build up and then when I would go in to see him he would have to go in and pull my boogers out and they were huge and I'm just thinking to myself like that's the kind of life you want to live? Pulling

boogers out of a person's nose? Do you know how much money he gets paid to pull the boogers out of your nose? And they were huge. He was like, I see you took my advice, you know, because it was like they were massive. It's so disgusting. It's so disgusting. Why are you telling this story? I'm telling this story because I don't understand why anyone would ever want that line of work,

pulling boogers out of a person's nose for a living. Especially your nose. Oh, my God. It's horrifying. They were huge. I was a crazy Russian doctor for my hernia. And I remember when I walked in, he's like, Dad, you are fat. That's the first thing he said to me.

Good guy. An accurate doctor. Not a liar. That's for damn sure. And he's like, all right, let's see it. And I pulled my pants down. And he's like, oh, that's a good one. Because your intestines are bulging out of your ballsack.

That's so upsetting. That's got to be one of the toughest things about being a doctor, is having to save someone who you really just want to die. Oh, constantly. It's got to be so tough. That's got to be very difficult. So what's up with these horses? They kill them all?

I think they're getting charged with drug possession. No, they didn't kill them all. Well, what happened here, Gary Aber, a member of the Texas Racing Commission, said during the August 9th meeting that he wanted the organization to pursue a zero tolerance policy regarding contaminated racehorses or grooms that test positive for the drug. He said that way, if a horse comes up positive, the horse is positive. That horse needs to be shut down. Oh, my God. It's not the horse's fault.

You know, he didn't know. He wasn't in the trailer park making all the meth in his little horse bathtub. He was used by the drug dealers. I grew up on horse tracks. My grandfather owned like 10 racehorses. And so I just like spent a lot of time there. And I remember one time I saw them drug up this horse and it just fucking died in front of everybody. It was insane.

Why did they drug the horse up? It wasn't our horse. It was like the people that beat my grandfather's horse. It like whooped everybody. They murdered the horse. And they put the laurel on it. And it just collapsed. It just collapsed and died in front of everyone.

And they had to fucking put up a giant curtain and then try to take it out of there. There is nothing funnier than a gurney wheeling out a covered horse. There's nothing funnier than that? There wheeling out a covered horde. There's nothing funnier than that? There's not. It's actually pretty funny. That happened during a college football game once at Texas Tech. We used to have every time after we'd score a touchdown, they'd have a guy on a horse, a guy dressed up as a matador, run around.

One day the horse just wouldn't stop. He just ran and just boom, ran right into a fucking wall and just killed himself. Wow, that is a funny story. This is when you were in college. And then it just crumpled to the ground. I'm assuming you were with one of your best friends in college when that happened.

His name was Gus Farrant. It's a great football joke. No one, none of you will get it. Gus Farrant, he hit his own head in celebration and he gave himself a concussion. Yeah, they just covered up the horror so they just kind of let the game keep going. It's probably wheeling it out though all covered like a person's covered.

But it's a horror. Do you guys visibly laugh, audibly laugh? Oh no, this wasn't when I was in college. This was just at my college. It happened when I was a kid. I remember it happening though. It was very funny. So Eddie, first of all, how don't you smoke cigars, and why aren't you a loan shark? I was the only child allowed to gamble. I was like eight years old going up to the window.

Did they measure age by weight? In which case, they were like, he's 65. Let him through. I mean, it's Papua New Florida. There's barely laws. There's like alligators in the middle of the fucking horse race. That makes for a great horse race. That's fun.

Obstacle horse races would be pretty fun. If we stopped caring about animals living or dying so much, we could have a lot more fun at these things. I would rather do that at like a racetrack for Olympics. It's like throw some alligators out there. Do it to humans. Don't do it to the horses. They don't understand what's going on.

Well, that's the reason why you do it to the horses. They don't know what's going on. Horse will fuck an alligator up. It'll just stop it to death. You think so? Oh, yeah. No. Alligator will take down a horse easy.

You think so? Horse versus alligator. I'm sure there's got to be a YouTube video. Yeah, horses got delicate ankles too, man. They step on an alligator, it's over for them. I don't want to watch horse versus alligator. Well, we don't know. I mean, maybe, you know, maybe it's funny.

Maybe it's fun. I don't think it's going to be funny and fun. I think it's going to be funny and fun. I think it's going to be upsetting and sad. Horses have Manute Bull or Riddick... Not Riddick Bow. What was the name of the guy who drafted before Michael Jordan? Manute Batumbo. Oh, the guy...

I don't know. He didn't last. Yeah. Bad ankles. Yeah, he did. He kept breaking his legs. Was it Bow? Something like that.

Actually, it was Bow. I think it was. I think it's Batumbo. Something like that. Actually, it was Bo. I think it was. I don't know. I think it's Matumba. Bo Bridges. It was Bo Bridges. I loved him. Hot Shots and Hot Shots Part 2.

It's great. Yeah, I think alligators take down pretty much anything that has hooves. Yep. They're the best at it. Yeah. A rhino will fuck them up, though. Yeah, a rhino will fucking shit on his mom's dinner and shit. Hippos.

Hippos. I don't really know about the rhinos. Well, they probably could. I don't know about the rhinos. I was thinking about the hippos. Aren't hippos the meanest worst? Yeah, hippos kill your ass. They kill more people in Africa than any other animal. They've got like big human teeth.

When I was out in Africa, where I was, a hippo killed three people that day. What? And then later that day, I haven't seen a hippo because you went on a couple safaris a day. You went on the pussy safaris. I did. Yeah, you went on one of the six safaris. But also, it's open.

The animals can just jump in there. Even though it was pussy, I was scared the whole time. Right. But I remember they were like, whatever you do with hippos, if you get near their young or you get in between them and water, they will kill you. And then at the very end of the trip, after the day the hippo killed everyone, we did exactly that. And I was freaking out. I had no idea what had happened.

I was in the car. So you almost got killed by it. That was how you almost died. That was going to be your this is how it ends moment. Oh, no. The hippo would have looked at him and raised him. That would be ridiculous. The hippo didn't really care. The lions though,

that was what I was really scared about. You don't want to move. The lions won't fuck with you though, right? The lions think that the truck is an animal, but once you stick your arm out of the truck, they're like, oh, that animal is filled with meat. I can just tear off a little piece of it.

And if you take their weed, they'll get mad. And so Jeff kept standing up and and so, like, fucking Jeff kept standing up and shit and... Pissing off the lions. Pissing off the lions. Why was he doing that? Because I don't know why he was doing it. He was in roast mode. He was roasting the lions, roast mode. He went, psst, psst, psst, psst, and then the guy

was like, do not do that. What? That's what I was doing. Good God. Faced with, like, one of the world's greatest predators, and you're fucking with it. No, he was like, with any luck, they'll think I'm hilarious. You know, it's like, how come I'm not scared right now? How come I'm not scared?

I'm like, I'm fucking terrified. Stop talking to the lions. I think we figured it out. Now that you've done jail, you've done cops, next, roast a zoo. Yeah. Oh, that would actually be really funny. Safari roast. Or just Africa.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Or Africa in general. I don't know. Bad juju. What do you mean bad juju? Eddie, roast the reptile house real quick. What reptile house?

The house where all the reptiles are. What are you? You're so slimy that you're holding his neck. Hey, there we go. They're actually not very slimy. I feel like they're more dry. Roast mode. Roast a giraffe.

Roast a giraffe? What do you do? You work a lookout for the hippos? Come on. Why is your tongue so long? What are you, the whore of the safari? Whoa! I don't know about you. Wait.

A little off limits. A little bit off limits. I mean, roasts come from a place of love. It's obvious Ed loves giraffes. It's obvious you've got some sort of weird secret nut against giraffes. You remember, we went to the L.A. Zoo. We were all sat down. The jaguar.

And remember, the jaguar was awesome. But remember, we went to the L.A. Zoo. We were all sat down. The jaguar. And remember, the jaguar was awesome. But remember, we went to see the giraffes. And they made the giraffes be separate from each other. Separate cages. They didn't want the giraffes to bang each other. It was very sad. But they loved each other and they just wanted to be together. And they had this huge wall between them.

So they would just lean over the wall and they would just touch noses. Because that's all that they could do. And watching their forlornment was so upsetting. I do remember that. You remember that? I was so upset. That was the last time I've been to the zoo.

And I feel like a big bummer. But when somebody is like, let's go to the zoo, I'm like, I don't want to. It's so sad there. It's so sad. Let them be in this place together. Let's go to a jail. I'd rather see people in a jail so I can laugh and make fun of the crimes they committed. I love the zoo.

Yeah, I'm with that. I like the zoo, too. I love the zoo. I love the zoo in a minute. When it gets sad, it's really sad. It's so sad now. Well, in the zoo back in Texas, they had a polar bear, and it was just constantly miserable. Yeah, it was 110 degree heat, and he just had a polar bear just hanging out.

Why the hell did they have a polar bear? Because they wanted a polar bear. Did they give it some ice? Yeah, Abilene Zoo. Real fucked up weird zoo. But there was a giraffe there that you could feed cookies to. Oh, that's exciting. So that was a happy giraffe.

They don't eat cookies. They do when you hand it to them. They eat leaves. They eat leaves. Why are they so tall? They can get on top of the trees. I don't know, man. Well, you walked up on this bridge. Why? They're so tall they can go to the top of the trees. I don't know, man. Well, you walked up on this bridge.

They're so tall so they can help the hippos and the rhinos. I'm upset. I'm upset with zoos. You know what? My stance, I love a zoo,

I appreciate a zoo, but I hate a zoo. There you go. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense.

That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense.

That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense.

That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. You love a zoo, you hate it, and you're indifferent to it. You love a zoo, and you're indifferent to it.

I want to see the animals, but I'd rather see the animals where they're supposed to be, just like the Olympics. Where it's like, oh, you want to be a big rafting dude, Olympic style? Go out to the Congo. What the fuck are you saying? That's white rider rafting. That's not an Olympic sport. A rafting dude, what style? No, alright, so for the Summer Olympics

they had like, they had a whole concourse where they created for rafting. It was like a slalom. It was like a rafting slalom. I saw that. It was crazy cool. It looked like a water park. They made it up for this. What I'm saying is that they should be doing those kind of sports in places where you can do it

naturally so you don't have to create a whole thing for it. I wasn't being bad. I wasn't being racist. I was actually made it up. None of us thought you were being racist. That makes me think that you were thinking about something racist that you didn't say. I was trying to be good.

I'm trying to be good. When you try to be good, you're racist. I'm trying to be good. You don't try to be good. I was trying to be good. I'm trying to be good. When you try to be good, you're racist. I'm trying to be good. Don't try to be good. I'm trying to be good. Just be you, girl. Let your freak life fly. Don't tell me to let my freak life fly. You know what? Half mask.

When somebody has a talent, you let it shine. I'm trying. Flip that bitch switch, girl. Don't flip it. $75. I will give Eddie $200 to take the Casper. Woo!

Doctor, doctor, give me the news. You don't have a bad face of loving him, and you cannot say that you do. I'll give you the news as long as a team of other doctors can watch you take a shit right now. Oh, my God. I need that. I do, too. All right, Marcus. Let's move on. I haven't had a solid shit since 2011.

What have you been doing, man? Eat some broccoli. Yeah. Eat fruit. Vegetables. Fruit. Vegetables. Yeah.

Firm it up. Anything with fiber. It's not that hard, man. It comes out faster, though. All right. Yeah, but you spend more time wiping. Yeah, you gotta drink a lot of water. I have three hearty, beautiful shits a day.

Three? Three is kind of a lot. One shit 11 a.m. I eat a lot of vegetables, though. I eat a lot of vegetables. I wake up and fart, I fart, I fart. I don't fart. I just shit.

All right. So the meth-addicted horses are disqualified. Disqualified. Let's move to Italy for the next story. Let's go there. I'm going to abyss. Oh, we're going to have a little bit of a flail. The fucking beach is full of glass.

And you guys can make fun of the Italians all you want. There's a big white nationalist movement happening in there. Really? So feel free to kick them down. Oh, yeah. We fucking love ourselves so much, you fucking... Oh, molested child. Molested child.

Molested child. I mean... I got this fucking sausage just coming out of my goddamn shoes. That's your Italian accent? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's really good. Italy's highest court has ruled that masturbation in public is not a crime as long as it is not conducted in the presence of minors.

So you can jerk off anywhere you want in Italy just so long as there are no kids around. That makes perfect sense. The thing is, I think that that may as well be a law here because I see multiple people jerk off constantly. Well, it's illegal. They get arrested for it. I just think it's insane. Oh, many times they do.

I think it's insane this went through the legislator to decriminalize. They actually, someone had to introduce a bill saying that we should not be outlawing public masturbation. It went through, not only did it go through all their legislature, it went to the highest court and the highest court says, you know what? Jerk off wherever you want. Just don't do it in front of kids. Do whatever you want.

What's the, how many yards? You know what? It doesn't say. You can't be in front of the kids. I think it's specific about that. Can you be behind a kid? I think it's just within. I don't know.

If you can technically be within a field of vision of a child, then I don't think you're allowed. I think you can be charged with masturbation. What if you're on your side? Yeah, behind a child. That's not in the field of vision of a child, then I don't think you're allowed. I think you can be charged with masturbation. Behind a child, that's not in the field of vision. What if you're in a soccer match? I think if a child can turn around and see you, if a child can see you, if there's a child present and it can see you,

then I don't think you... It says in the presence of minors. What if you're doing it and you don't know? What if you think it's just a small person? What if you're jerking off and all of a sudden a school of kids starts running in front of you? I mean, that's the risk you gotta take. What about a guy with a 360 degree camera

mounted to his head and there's a child in a different room super far away with a VR headset watching? Oh, so you can see through the walls with said 360 camera? He's using the VR headset to see the man masturbating, but he's not in the presence of the man. I just see a series of tragic circumstances

where these kids, these pranksters, are walking around the streets of Italy looking for unsuspecting masturbators to pop up on them and tell the police. But isn't overseas where it's not seen as crazy as it is here? I mean, Italy's all fucked up sexually. Yeah. Bunga bunga.

It's because of the priests. No, they rub up on women a lot. I mean, yeah, they've got no sense of personal space there whatsoever. They're very touchy. Yeah, they're very touchy. So you can just be in a bar and just whip it out and just start cranking it, and technically it's legal? It's legal. If there's a child in a bar, then that's bad on the bar.

That's the bar's fault. That's the thing. Who gets in trouble first? The child, the bar, or the masturbator? But also it's like, you know, it's like you got to clean up. You can't just come on the ground and leave it there. See, and I think a business can choose to throw you out for masturbating in their business. It's just turning back into ancient Rome.

Yeah. It's weird. You can just jerk off wherever you want now. Bring out the gladiators. If you're going to go back, go all the way back. We were just talking about fun animal competitions. You know, people. I would rather watch people fight than watch animals fight.

Really? I agree. People make their own decisions. I'd much rather watch animals fight. It's upsetting. Unless there's like in the wild and oh, it just happens. I don't want to pit animals against each other. Oh, much rather watch animals fight. It's upsetting. Unless they're in the wild and, oh, it just happens. I don't want to pit animals against each other. Oh, no, no, no.

Animals are natural predators. You put natural predators together with each other, natural enemies, they're going to fight and they're fine with it, right? But a lot of times with people, it's probably just going to be some sad homeless people who just don't have any other option. I think that is why I would rather watch animals

fight. Jackie, your fucking move. Whoa. Jackie, this is just and now technically we're in a human fight. What do you think? Is this a human fight? You want to fucking throw down? You want to grapple out back? If you want to grapple. As long as it's 100% just grappling, I'm in. I don't know.

I think it's grappling to death. And I will do it. I gotta take a napple. I know that much. You gotta take a napple. You tired, Eddie, from the big loss today? Man. Ever gonna be good. I'm so glad you brought that up. I saw the Dolphins there.

Man, they almost won. The Seahawks are a good team. It would have been a great way to start the season. How many playoffs games have we seen here in the six years of doing the show? One. One time. One playoff game, yes. And they lost.

If there's only one playoff game, there's no way you can win, Ben. Because if you win, you play another playoff. Oh, you get two. Two for one, which is a good deal in a lot of stores. I don't like to get between men and their ball games because men are very scary with their ball games.

It's very, very scary. I've seen Ed wronged by a million different men, but I've never seen Ed as angry as he is right now. This is the season. This is it. Well, I don't know. If this is the season, they've got a lot of ways to come back. Actually, I thought we were going to get our ass handed to us. I'm actually pretty happy.

But the confidence goes down with every loss, so one would imagine they're not as strong next week. I wish we had the audio that we could just replay of Eddie at the start of the show and then Eddie now. This didn't even take a full week to get him in full season mode. I'd actually like to hear a compilation

of every time Ed mentioned the Dolphins on the roundtable, gentlemen, in a positive or a negative way, just do a big super cut of it. Just back and forth. Give me some free tickets. I'm going to go see the Dolphins play Cincinnati. Oh, awesome. All right. Very excited about that.

Very good. There you go. There you go. You got a Dolphin versus a Bengal. You never see that in the wild. There it is. Well, you want to do one more story? Sure.

Whatever you want to do. Whatever, man. Eddie is really... Eddie, are you really depressed right now? It's going to be fine. It's going to be fine. It's a 16-game season. They're going to win out.

And it's going to be like the same as it's always been. Why would you even get sad? You know how it's going to be. You've gone through this, what, 32 times? It's like every morning getting punched in the face the first thing happens when you wake up and being surprised at it six years later. You know, when I was one years old

was the last time the Dolphins were in the Super Bowl and they lost. Some might say that you are a curse to the team. Don't say that. No, I would have been born earlier. Someone else is the curse, and I'm just paying for it. That's what we should do. We should find the person who's the curse and kill them.

The worst thing my father ever did to me was make me a dolphin's fin. It was the worst thing. No, no, no. You see, he's giving you. We're all just striving for stability, and that's what he's giving you. It's the exact same all the time. You're always down. You're always losing.

Always losing. You've got it, man. One day. It's worse he's giving you. It's the exact same all the time. You're always down. You're always losing. Always losing. You've got it, man. One day. It's worse than naming you a Sioux. Honestly, like, whenever the Dolphins are in the Super Bowl, I'm just going to need to be alone. Like, I'm just not going to be able to be around people. I mean, if you go to the game, though.

Definitely not me. Certainly not me. Just my fate, my grinning fate. You're definitely not invited. Yeah, for sure. I'll bring a bunch grinning fate. You're definitely not invited. Yeah, for sure. I'll bring a bunch of chip dip. All right, hold on. It's the fourth quarter.

The Dolphins, it's like, there's like three seconds left on the clock. They're on their own 40-yard line, so it's a bit of a long shot. It's a little too far for a field goal, but they're still going for it. Ed is on the edge of his seat. What are you doing? Ed, you think you're going to do it? Ed, you think you're going to make it? This is like assuming Holden made it

this far into the game. Without creating a Holden size hole in the wall for being punched through it. Oh, man. These are real tense moments. Boy, oh, boy.

If they lose, it'll fucking suck. Your old fucking shit will suck for the rest of the fucking... Until I get it back in here. When's that going to be? What's your favorite part about football? My favorite part about football? Probably the downs. I love a solid set of downs.

Just getting good downs. I love it when it's just like, man, that was some downs. Just three plays and out. Three plays and out. Down, down, down, down, down. So no points. No points. When the man runs, it's pretty fun.

But when the downs happen, we are good. And the concussions is fun. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So should we do another story? Yeah, sure. Let's do one more.

The principal of an Australian college regrets that a student with an interest in history and politics was allowed to dress up as Adolf Hitler for book week. The student appeared- Why not? Also, the book had to be Mein Kampf. It had to be Mein Kampf, yeah. Oh, because there were only authors. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The student appeared as the Nazi leader on Wednesday as part of reading week celebrations at St. Philip's College in Australia. He was also... Oh, Australia. That makes a lot more sense. He was also awarded one of the prizes for best dressed and was featured in a parade.

Hitler led a parade in Australia. That's the best part. It's been a while since Hitler's been in a parade. He loves a parade, by the way. I dressed up as Catherine the Great when I was in high school. And that was back in the time, which now we know is debunked. But that she died, I thought, I thought straight up, that she died while fucking a horse, and the horse fell on top

of her. How did she die? It is unknown, but that is still said. How did they debunk that? They said that it's not true. That's how they debunked it? But they said that, but they're like, it is, as far as I know, I don't know, I looked it up.

Wikipedia? They're trying to whitewash history. That's how Catherine the Great died. Horse wash history. So I remember talking about all this stuff. So I had the corset on. I had the whole thing on because she was a big woman. And she had a bunch of husbands that died. And I loved everything about her.

So I dressed up like her. And I was talking about Catherine the Great. She had a bunch of husbands who died. And you loved everything about her. Oh, yeah. She had a whole. She was a Tsarina of Russia. And she had a whole house, like a whole palace that she made out of gold. And she's awesome.

Gold melts, doesn't it? She loved bestiality. Well, I mean, where the bestiality rumor came from is that she reportedly spent a lot of time at the stables alone. Alone, yeah. Specifying that she must be in the stables alone with the horse and nobody was allowed to come in. I see. But she was a Zorina. She could do whatever the fuck she wanted.

And we do actually know how she died. She had a stroke while taking a shit. No kidding. Like Elvis, yeah. That's how you want to go. Yeah, yeah. Some say that, yeah, they say that she, the rumor. Elvis wasn't pills?

Hmm? Elvis wasn't pills? I mean, well, on the toilet. Yeah. Yeah, he died on the toilet, yeah. So, yeah, the story said that she died on the toilet when her seat broke underneath her. That's only true in part. She did collapse in the bathroom from a stroke, but she died while being cared for in her bed.

When you die on the toilet, do you sit there? Your body just... And then, of course, that's actually a great place because, naturally, we have, what, five pounds of waste inside of us, so it just goes right in the place it should be. There was also a version of the story in which she was assassinated

by spring blades hidden in the toilet seat. Now, is that a possibility? I mean, I guess. It would just stab her in the ass. It wouldn't really do anything. Yeah. No, but she could bleed to death if she was stuck there. Depends on how long the blades are, too.

You know, they can go right up all the way to the heart. Yeah, especially, like, or to rip through her intestines so all of the duty would go into her blood. No, but she's controversial for what reason? Why do you equate her to Adolf Hitler, Jackie? Because she, like Because at the time... Because of the horse fucking. Oh, that's right. Yeah, but also because I remember that's all I would talk about, and they made everybody upset.

Were you like, did you attach yourself to a big stuffed horse? No, I didn't, but I told everyone within my path that I died while fucking a horse. Ed, what the fuck was that noise you just made? Why did you do that, Ed? What noise? It's like... The loudest damn thing I ever heard in my life. Yeah, it was like...

I think it was like a burp. I wasn't trying to burp. Oh, it was a ghost sound. Yeah, I was trying not to make a big burp noise. No, it sounded like a soul escaping from you. It could have been. I had a lot of shrimp noise. No, it sounded like a soul escaping from you. Could have been. I had a lot of shrimp yesterday. Did you release one?

Is it Catherine the Great? It might have been Catherine the Great. Is she inside of you? It's like the mummy returns or something. Yeah, it was, you know, sometimes burps, you know, it's not polite for the show. So you try to make a different noise. All right.

Eddie, are you okay? Are you okay? I mean, I'm sad about the dolphins. It's okay. It's just game one. It's game one, buddy. We've got a long way to go. You want to lose the first game of the season, don't lose the last.

I always say that. I always say lose as much as possible. That's why I like the Dolphins. That's when you win, because when you win, it's so fun. Even if you just get one sad win, it's fun. When I was young, I dressed up as Alfred Hitchcock. Oh, that's fun. Yeah.

Who'd you guys dress up as? Charlie Chaplin, speaking of the Hitler thing. I had to give myself the Hitler stash and everything. I walked around all day as Charlie Chaplin. We had a 20s day where we had to dress up as someone famous from the 20s. Do you get beat up? No, surprisingly. I went to a school,

a private school. I went to a very fancy school. I had to wear a college shirt. You went to a school where such things were accepted. to wear a college shirt. We had a very... We had a very school where such things were accepted. Oh, for sure. He'd be dead otherwise. Yeah, you would have been dead. Oh, my God.

Yeah, see, now that I know you didn't go to public school, you make a lot more sense now. Yes, you would have been beaten to death. Yes. For sure. My thing was I used to wear, like, a bow tie. You did not. Is that serious?

No, in the band I was in, they told me to stop. I was in a band. We were like funk rock. We played a lot of hot chili peppers covers. And yeah, I would wear a- Funk rock's not a genre. It is. Funk rock is a genre.

Chili peppers, fish bone, baby. Fish bone, baby. Gotta get that fish bone, sir. So I would wear the- Nobody doesn't like 311. 3 bone, baby. Fish bone, baby! Gotta get that fish bone, sir! So I would wear the bone tie. Nobody doesn't like 311. 311, dude. How does the song go? 311, what's up with the phone room?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.. I know all about them. a dog. I know yourself, Ben. Yeah, bro. Sublime dog. I know all about him. They had a dog. I love that.

So I would wear a bow tie and a suit jacket. And at one point, after a few of the gigs, they were like, can you please stop showing up in that? It's embarrassing us. So I had to stop. And you were the front man of that band? Yeah, and I was like, that's my thing. You're the only one who's a band and I was like that's my thing Performer now though. That's the thing. Yeah, you're a showman. So, you know, don't let them fuck with you. Don't let that on you Oh, I actually like the look I think it's a fun look. It's a different look. No one else was doing it

I was like, I'm gonna dress super nerdy and it'll be fun and now people do it on purpose and you know They get paid, you know Drake's out there doing it for fucking millions. He's dressed as Nerdy. I forgot about that. He dresses as Nerdy. You were a pioneer, man. I was a pioneer. Does Drake dress Nerdy?

No. No, he doesn't. I have no idea what he looks like. Drake could be in this room right now and I have no clue. You know what Drake looks like? He's on Degrassi. Yeah. I know he's pretty.

He's not that pretty. He wears sweaters a lot. I don't know what to make of that dude. He seems like an actor trying to be tough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was never trying to be tough. That's the whole thing about him. That's his whole thing.

He's a Jew. He's sensitive, yeah. He's a Jew. He's in a wheelchair on Degrassi because of a school shooting. Think about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a goofy boy. Edgy.

The end goes there. An incredibly talented actor. I believed him when he was in a wheelchair. I thought it was real. Yeah. All right, time for a segment from Hope McNeely. Hey, speaking of high school, high school prom, all right? Kissy, kissy, kissy.

I want it. I want it. I didn't get it. I definitely asked a girl who was very upset that I asked her, and she went with me. I remember, Cynthia, thank you for going with me. I apologize. She did go with you? Yeah, of course she did.

Who's going to say no? Well, homecoming, the girl said no and then felt bad. And at the end of the day, she said yes. Why did you feel bad? Did you cry? No, I was definitely bummed. It was very, yeah, I was super sad waiting for my father to come pick me up. And she walked up and she was like, hey, okay, sure, I'll go.

Right? But it was one of those. That's really sad. She just made these girls feel horrible. I always felt terrible because I'm like, I know I'm about to ruin

your dreams of going with whatever guy you wanted to go with, but will you go to the prom with me? That's how you sold it? Yeah, I mean, no, it's not how I sold it,

but just in the back of my head, I'm like, well, I know this is a bummer, but someone's got to go with me. I once asked the wrong girl to prom. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some girl I had a crush on, and there was another girl who looked just like her, and I asked the wrong girl. The crush wasn't that strong. I was like, Helen, I was wondering if maybe you'd want to go to prom. She's like, I'm not Helen. I was like, cool. All right. Did you still take her? No, no.

She said no. I mean, I didn't ask the other one. At that point, I was too scared. Yeah, you already bossed her. You would react to the same wrong one. I was like, fuck it. Let's just get drunk. Yeah, I went alone.

Yeah, it was great. I went with her. Yeah, we had brisket in the American Legion Hall. Ooh, that's good. That sounds fucking awesome. Yeah, I had a way worse. Well, now you can make your own prom awesome, Jackie, because we're going to reimagine it. You're going to curate a high school prom.

I'm going to go first. Oh, fuck. The name has escaped me right now. Prophets of Rage will be the band. The new super group, Cypress Hill, Rage Against the Machine. They're definitely going to do it. But we've got to keep it clean, so they're going to do all covers of Christmas songs.

So it's going to be all Christmas songs by the new awesome super group, Prophets of Rage. It's Cypress Hill, Rage Against the Machine And who else? Is it just those two? I am not sure Dude, you've got to be sure They're the new super group

Chuck D Chuck D Oh, wow Yeah I know what I know about them They just dropped a new album, dude It got a 2.0 on Pitchfork Really?

Which is the lowest score Lowest score I've ever seen on that website I don't trust anything Pitchfork says. Of course. You got to get the out. Don't trust anything they say. I just thought it was funny that it was incredibly low. Their best of list is fucking Tushy.

That's right. Thank you for keeping it clean. Yes, thank you for keeping it clean and being kind of edgy talking against Pitchfork. Tushy. Fuck them. Tushy, come on. Sunday, man. You know what the hell Pitchfork is. It's 9 come on. Sunday, man. Yeah.

You know what the hell Pitchfork is. It's 9-11. And it's 9-11. Oh, make a wish. Well, when the people hear it, it'll be 9-12. Oh, my God.

Did you guys see that 9-11 video? I'm sorry. I know we're in the middle of a segment. Oh, with the video with the two, the mattress. The mattress. Yeah.

I posted it on last podcast on the left. We showed it on our live stream. Did you see the apology video? No. The woman said... Oh, there's an apology? There's an apology video.

She goes... She's doing an interview. She's like, we're not mean people. We're not bad people. We're miracle mattresses. We make miracles happen. They do. It's so...

Oh, my God. It's such a hilariously bad idea. Who predicted it, too? Somebody predicted 9-11 sales. Some comedian. I think it was like Chris Rock or somebody. Yeah. They literally were like, you're going to see it like five years, 9-11 sales.

Fucking crazy, man. Yeah. And these people were the first ones to have the balls to do it. And they're pariahs because of it. And I think we're all hypocrites. There you go. So it's going to be a foam party, kind of like those Girls Gone Wild parties. Oh, yeah.

It'll be all foam. You know, everybody has to. Prophets of Rage playing Christmas songs. Prophets of Rage is going to be playing. Somebody's going to have a foam hose just spraying everybody with foam. It'll be BK Burgers Whoppers for the meal, right? That'll be pretty sick, right? Unlimited Whoppers. You can have as many Whoppers as you want

Vegetarian option You have to dress up like a cow And eat grass cause you're a piece of shit Okay So if you want to show up to my fucking prom And you want to complain about the burgers we're serving there You can You can wear a fucking cow costume

And walk on all fours like the dog That you are Like the cow Okays like the dog that you are. Like the cow. Okay, fine. Like the cow that you fucking are. There's a lot of great vegetarians out there, though. They deserve an option. And eat grass. Will you have like sod out there or just bowls of grass? It's gonna be plastic

grass. There'll be a doctor there in case anybody gets physically ill from eating the plastic grass Good good doctor on hand That's the thing and the doctor will also be a very well Trained break dancer and that'll be the fun thing is that He goes out and does some break dance like halfway

Through cool Just don't know why you attacked vegetarians So hard there You want to complain about the burgers I'm serving at my prom you Can straight up go fuck yourself embarrassingly in front of everybody. Yeah.

Alright. Alright, Kevin. Give me what you got, Kevin. Okay, well, you know, we all know that prom is about being young and being in love. So for that reason, my prom

will be called The Danger Zone And it will be modeled After the Danger Zone In the X-Men So what it is Is people are going to think It's all holograms

Oh Danger Zone Is like the X-Men We're training It's not real But it's going to be real Like we're going to have lions And different hippopotamuses And alligators

And a bunch of dudes With a case And you're supposed to You're in this Danger Zone And by the way We're all lions and different hippopotamuses and alligators and a bunch of dudes with a case. And you're supposed to, you're in this danger zone. And by the way, we're all, we're playing trap music the whole time. You're trying to figure out how to get out. It's kind of funny because, oh, they're playing trap and we're trapped. How does trap music go?

Oh, it's just like, it's a lot of like just heavy bass and niggas saying nigga a lot. And then a bunch of, it's like halfway between house and, you know, shit niggas listen to. Yeah, yeah. So you're in there and you're trapped. You're trying to figure out how to get out of there, out of the danger zone. And maybe you make it out, maybe you don't. But, you know, the thing about hardship is it really brings people together. I thought it was about love. This is what I'm saying.

So once you get out of the danger zone, you're like, well, I just went through something with these people that none of the people on the outside have ever gone through or will they ever. I'm closer to these people than I ever have been to anyone or will be. And now, you have the power of love.

It's the same premise as the Saw movies. Will the song Highway to the Danger Zone ever be played? No. Have a power of love. No.

Only trap music. Not even a trap remix of Highway to the Danger Zone. What if someone mixed in a sample of Danger Zone into a trap song? Ooh, that's tough. Yeah. That's controversial. I feel like at that point people might be too motivated. Especially with the N-word being screamed over and over and over again. It's going to make everyone very uncomfortable.

Where is the school? Portland. Mine's in Des Moines. One of the many Des Moines. I'm not sure which one. My prom, no dancing, no communicating. Sit there and drinking. Shut up.

Just drinking. Just think about how the future is. When is that what we all fucking want? Communicating sit there and drinking shut up Old Polish bar Any music nah, whatever the fuck where where where are where is this? Like an old gymnasium? Not even open. Just a nice little gymnasium in a public school near you. Really cold? Whatever the temperature is outside.

That's the temperature inside. Prom is usually what? March? Yeah, March or April. Think about a better future. Think about how much hate you have in your heart for high school and for everyone around you. And just fantasize about never seeing them again. It gets better.

It does get better. So that's my idea of a perfect prom. It's actually exactly what I did. There you go. Jackie. Jesus. Yikes. Some dark answer. I had a great prom experience, but I'm not going to go into it right now.

In my fantasy, if I were to have my druthers, I am a head. I'm going to say I'm a VP of the school that I'm throwing this prom for. But I'm also married to the sheriff of the town. And I've also banged at some point in time all of the cops at work at said small town. It's all statutory rape cops then. No, no, no. They're cops. They're fully cops. She's been 18 for hours

and fucked all of them. I'm saying I'm running the show. So what this is going to be, it's World War II soldiers come home. So it's going to be in the 40s. Everyone's going to be in the 40s and the men come in. Yes, going to be in the 40s draft. That's kind of funny because that's really horny. Yes, and men come in.

All the dudes in high school have to come in in some kind of uniform. Caveat to, since they've been at war, they can't jerk off for a full month before the prom. So it's all sexually driven. But what's going to happen. Not if they were in Italy. Then they just come back with gonorrhea. Yeah, then they have gonorrhea. I, as one of the VPs of the school, am going to slowly or quickly drug certain people at the high school so that people start to disappear.

And so they start to get scared. And they're like, oh, what's happening? Is there a killer? Is something happening? Why are people going away? Did I just steal you? This is your idea. This is my fucking idea. They're like, oh, what's happening? Is there a killer? Is something happening? Why are people going away? Did I just steal you? This is my fucking idea. I live inside your brain.

And so all the high schoolers start to fuck because it's like, we don't know what's going on. People are starting to disappear. The music's still playing, but it's that creepy 1940s. Just like. Shelly was a good girl. Shelly had some breasts But I'm not killing any of the kids I'm just drugging them

but I know all of the cops in the town so I can't get in trouble for anything I'm just trying to make it more fun That's a good idea Jackie I like it Ed what you got last minute Mine was basically the same thing with David Goetta but I'll change it up.

David Guetta? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know it was David Guetta. David Guetta, whatever the fuck his name is. Yeah. Who the hell is that? Who's that? He's like a famous DJ.

He's a DJ. Kids love him. Oh, with Titanium. David Guerra? Oh, he did Titanium? This guy? That guy, yeah. I'm Titanium.

That dude's famous? He's unbelievably famous? That guy is insanely famous. I saw him live. Someone brought me. They thought they were doing me a big favor. And I'm like, who the fuck is this guy? There's like millions of people going insane.

But this guy just presses buttons and shit. Didn't you watch that? I have no idea. That dude's famous? I was going to invite him. The kids love him. The kids love him. Anyway, they're not getting Gwen anymore.

It's in April. We're having a Fucking 420 prom Hey We're flying everyone To fucking Denver Oh you got it Yeah

We got Ziggy Marley We got Keach and Chong Fucking We got Who else The rest of Sublime

Who's known for weed All Yeah Whoever's left From the Sublime They're gonna be Playing Santeria Who's getting

Stoned these days We got Wiz Khalifa Will be there Wiz Khalifa Snoop Get that KK. Spoke that KK. Snoopy doggy dog. Redman. Redman is a little out of

state. A little out of state. Snoop Dogg. Snoop Dogg. Marcus is the man you're selling the shit to. Snoop Dogg's blunt roller is going to be there. Not Snoop Dogg, but that Asian dude that rolls his blunts. Yes, yes, yes. His manager. Yeah. Oh, is that? But yes, he will be there. And Snoop can come and Redman can come. You're right, Redman. I know everyone's in fine. Yes, yes, yes. His manager. Yeah. Oh, is that? But yes, he will be there.

And Snoop can come and Redman can come. You're right, Redman. No, everyone's in fine. All right, what are we working with, though? What are we smoking out of? What are we smoking out of? I mean, we got everything. We got no edibles, first of all.

We're smoking. It's a fog party. We want to see how foggy we can get this fucking place. Right, right. So we got bongs, no dabs. I don't want any kids fucking passing out. Yeah, nobody passed out. Nobody have a seizure.

What's a dab? And we're going to do. It, nobody pass out. Nobody have a seizure. What's a dab? And we're going to do... It's like an incredibly... It's a stupid way to smoke. Strong. It's like basically the heroin of weed. Yeah. It takes all the fun out of the smoking process.

There's no reason for it. I smoke weed to relax. It's not to fucking think I'm a cat. It's very focused weed hit. It's like a resin or some shit they take out. Oh, I see. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I did that a few times. It was super cool. Brutal, man. I loved it. Henry did it at, whatchamacallit, with his buddy, and his buddy passed out. He ended up in the hospital, yeah, for one dab hit. Yeah, he was freaking out. He was, like, seizure-announced.

So lots and lots of weed, and we're going to do no, all sativas, no indicas. You know, we want this party jumping. We want people bouncing. All sativas. You know, we want going, and we're going to, you know, we'll get, I guess we'll let Guetta come if he wants to come and play some hits of today, because I don't know what they are. I have no idea.

Prophets of Rage? No, Prophets of Rage. They're too old school. That's for our prom reunion. We'll have Prophets of Rage there. But for these kids, you got to give the kids what they want. The kids want Redman, they want Wiz, and they're going to smoke that KK. All right?

So that's what we're going to do. Cheesy Wiz. Yeah, Khalifa Kush. That's your K? Oh. Yeah. You know, I kind of want to go to Profits of Rage prom. Out of all this?

Film party? Out of all that? BK burgers? Yeah, actually, the BK burgers and, like, a bunch of, like, vegetarians dressed as cows eating plastic grass. Eating plastic grass. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going with olden prom.

Fuck yeah, man. All right. Olden's got the big win. That's the fucking winner. I did have a very good idea. It was a pretty good idea. Profits of Rage, dog. Yeah, Profits of Rage.

Singing Christmas songs. I don't practice Santa Ria. No, right. That's the episode. I ain't got no Christmas ball. Okay, that's not a Christmas song. I had a million dollars and I spent it all. Not no Christmas song. Okay, that's not a Christmas song. I had a million dollars and I spent it all.

I had a Christmas song. They must have gotten so much fucking pussy. Died in front of his dog. That was the sad part. Real quick, iTunes, Jeff Ross Rose Cops. Please buy and watch it

$2.99 Wizard and the Bruiser Yeah Wizard and the Bruiser Alright Anything else to plug? Holden Anderson on Twitch Alright we'll talk to you soon Bye bye

You get pickles? Yeah I got a shit load of pickles Pickles Yeah man For more shows like the one you just listened to Go to cavecomedyradio.com Cave Comedy Radio