The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 30: Moobs

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Male breast reduction! It’s on the rise. Tip to all those potential steroid users out there: ya gotta work out, too. Otherwise, tits. In addition to that, Ben tells us about all the fast food restaurants he’s been fired from (many more than you would think), Kevin’s got a personal connection to the Super Bowl, Jackie names a dissected pig, Ed compares Silvio Berlusconi to Elvis, and Holden asks the crew about our potential last meals as it is likely that at least half of us will be facing execution some day.

Get the fuck out of here. Shit, Rick Burns makes sense. Marks, you are on prayer today. Oh, fuck. Okay. Well, you have to pray to the Lord. Dear Lord. Pray to whoever he wants to, man.

Do whoever I want to. Let's see here. Dear Lord, thank you for all of the wonderful things that you bring us. Thank him for the news. Oh, us. Thank you for the news. Oh, yeah. Thank you for the news. Thank you for the horrible things that happen in this world. Otherwise, we would have had nothing to talk about.

Amen. Amen. Welcome to the round table. Welcome to the round table, gentlemen. The greatest podcast around. We're going to have a real hoot of a show here this evening. I would like to know who all of you are. Jack Zabrowski.

I don't give a hoot about it. Ed Larson. Wow. Cowabunga. Holman McNeely. Cowabunga. Kevin Barnett. Just give it to you straight.

Fuck that. Always giving it to you straight. And in the Chuckle Hut, we have a very, very honor to have the very voluptuous and fantastic Meatball. Thank you for joining us. Hello, Meatball. Then we've got the very fantastic Brad Sternagel. Hey, how are you?

The man of several faces. Hey, how are you? Hopefully a few voices. And, of course, the great comedian, Nate Bargetze. Welcome, Nate. Thanks for being here. Thank you for having me. Also, as a podcast

It could be better And our very special guest The man who got all the masculine genes In the Parks family Charlie Parks Which I must say You should probably own a chocolate factory Because that's the greatest name

I've ever said in my life Charlie Parks ladies and gentlemen I'm Ben Kissel With us as always Newsman Marcus Parks Parks what do you got for us? Who knows the news? Marcus! Yeah!

It is Super Bowl time, and... News you can use! Male breast surgeries are up 28% from last year. I'm a guest. What's going on? Breast surgeries, men are getting larger? They want them to be bigger? They want them to be smaller?

No, no, no. It's the fastest growing plastic surgery in America right now. Men are being much more self-conscious about their breasts. So men feel as if their bosoms are too small, and they go in and get the triple Ds, extra Cs? Or they're adding muscle to it? No, no, no. Breast reduction, like man boobs.

Like men who have actual breasts. You still have that awful fucking beer gut. Who are you fooling? You've got these like trimmed tits. That would be so funny. Like really tight

on top too. Just like... Yeah, it makes it look like they've got a double mastectomy I would assume because the scars after a reduction,

you know, they can be very, very devastating. Very much so. Also, I feel like man breasts are like a way to keep the sweat up underneath rather than having it like dribble down into your stomach hair. Yeah, I feel like man breasts are like a way to keep the sweat up underneath

rather than having it dribble down into your stomach hair. Yeah, stain up your shirt. And I just feel like, isn't that something you're going to have to get used to without the breasts anymore? Oh yeah, you've got to get used to a lot of stuff. Yeah, and not being able to hold a towel with no hands. Or lactate. Or lactate.

Gotta feed the kids, man. When I was morbidly obese, I could fit five DVDs under my left titty. Jesus Christ! I would just hold them there, and my friends would laugh, but they felt bad. I just love that you tried. Tried to see how many you could get. When your stomach and body is just multiple vaginas, you can play with them. How many do you think you can get now?

Probably just two, maybe three, depending on the quality of the film. I bet you can get three. Man, I know you can get three. Three HD? You don't have that big of a man breast though. Oh, yeah. Shockingly. They're pretty large. I mean, I'm not Kevin Barnett over here. Oh, Kevin's eyes looking at my bosoms. That was so

petrifying. I've never felt like more of a woman walking past a construction site in my life. Thank you, Kevin. I was just trying to defend you, man. I was there with you. What do you think about the male bosom? You have major melons. Are you going to get those reduced? No, I get it. I get it. Because when you look at your shirt, that's what mine stick out and that's what I see. So if I got that taken away i'm

completely fine my stomach your stomach doesn't yeah i feel like look is weird it's masculine like tony soprano like when you see him you don't even you think he's a big dude even though he's like so fat but it's just like looks he didn't have that big of titties no no that's what makes you look the worst yeah you just hit something dude he's making like the worst. Yeah. You just hit something, dude. It's never good. It's making you look the worst. But also, I imagine the bigger your stomach is, like, the more your shirt sticks out so you don't even notice the breasts. You either got to go one way or the other.

That's the thing. You just got to commit. Yeah. I think people should just be happy with their body. I actually just saw a thing, just, like, somebody posted on someone's wall, some dude with, like, the heaviest tits. I forget, like, how much it was,

but they were fucking huge. It had to be, like, double Ds. d's and they were just it was some chinese dude they were just holding oh man you know he lives next to a fucking chemical river yeah it was how sad this dude they look like great tits like tits i want to feel like rub on they were just on a dude and he was just looking so sad like new world record for heaviest male breasts. They're just holding his three feet. But were they

round? They were round. They looked like tits. Really? Yeah. Usually men's breasts are saggy.

You know, they're like, you know, saggy. Nah, he took care of his shit. I guess it's like

if you're a chick and you're with a dude who's got like beautiful breasts, you kind of have some of your lesbian tendencies. I mean, do you suckle on him? Is he going to be cool with that?

I guess you have to, right? Most men aren't cool with it, though. I love a little nipple play. I wouldn't get mad. I think it'd be nice. I got no problem with it. Every now and again, I like to feel like mother. And that's just a thing with me, but I think every once in a while, I like to be mommy. That is super disturbing.

I think it's not gay to get a boob job from a man, you know, if he's rubbing your cock, until you come on his chin. That would be the most disturbing. I don't disagree. I'm going to disagree with you. Charlie Parks, you're a Texas man. You're a masculine fella. He's a strapping man, by the way.

Yeah, what the fuck happened to you, Marcus? You look sick Texas man. You're a masculine fella. He's a strapping man, by the way. Yeah, what the fuck happened to you, Marcus? You look sick, man. Oh, pal. Your mother should be on that show. I didn't know I was pregnant. I feel like she just farted and you came out. You should guard tombs, man. Just guard tombs and smoke.

Either Marcus was just bored or Chinese food is being delivered right now. It's one of those social experiments. He lived in the swamp and his brother lived in the house. That's why he's got that amphibious look. Drugs. Drugs, mostly.

You're like the half-brother from the movie there. Remember the movie we watched on Big Fat Scary? Basket Case. You're like Basket Case-brother from the movie there. Remember the movie we watched on Big Fat Scary? Basket Case. You're like Basket Case compared to this masculine son. So, Charlie, would you ever consider getting a rub down by a pair of male bosoms? If you knew that perhaps it was questionable if it was a man or a woman, but just fantastic breasts, would you feel bad or would you go for it?

I'd go for it. So you're talking about titty-fucking a dude? Is that what's going on? You're wondering if that's good? I're talking about titty fucking a dude? Is that what's going on? You're wondering if that's gay? I am talking about titty fucking a pair of tits. Any? Pussies know zero gender. I think it hurts before it's not really gay, it's just friction.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And that's a strapping actual man with a good job, too, as opposed to everyone else. You got some shiny ass skin and shit, man. For real. Just friction, baby. It doesn't matter what it is. I suppose so.

Oh, man. I guess you guys never did this, but maybe Mel did. Probably not. You know, like in the corner of a bathroom, like a corner of a sink, you could just rub up on that, like the sharp edge. Sure. And then you rub your breasts on that and get the sink off?

No, no, no. You rub your privates on it. Your down below? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My peen? Your peen. My peen. Peen.

Speaking of... Peen. Peen makes more sense. Speaking of men with large bosoms of a different kind, more of a muscular build, we've got the Super Bowl on Sunday. Oh, yeah, yeah. And the Steelers are playing the Packers,

which always brings up bad memories for Mr. Kevin Barnett because a fellow named Lawrence Timmons plays for the Steelers. Andrew, there's a little back story with you and that fellow, right? Yeah, yeah. You know, it's been a rough couple weeks, man. I'm just out here struggling. Still struggling with this face. It's getting better, though. Yeah, it's getting a little better, man. But, you know, it just ruined a lot of weeks, man. I'm just out here struggling. Still struggling with this face. It's getting better, though.

Yeah, it's getting a little better, man. But, you know, it just ruined a lot of shit for me. You're worth looking at now. Thank you, man. No, yeah. The one girlfriend I had, I dated this girl for like two years.

The dude she dated before me was Lawrence Timmons. Which puts you in a category of pussy that I can never even think to smell. I can't believe that you can even Begin to get a woman that would possibly Have sex with Lauren Simmons No this is a different time in my life

I was a whole different type of dude Before you decided to go into comedy Yeah yeah yeah Things are a lot sadder right now It was fucking awful man Because I remember when I first found that out, my roommate Mark, who I live with now,

he was just like, he's like, what the fuck are you doing with your life, man? You ain't doing shit. Lawrence, there was a Super Bowl ring, and that was before they won the Super Bowl ring,

Super Bowl while he was playing. They won the year he signed. I'm like, no, that was the year he signed, man. He's not doing shit. He did sign a $20 million contract or some shit like that. I was like, yeah,

I'm out here doing shit. And then that year, I had to watch him win a Super Bowl ring with her and all my friends just laughing at me which was beautiful.

And so it's like this whole time I was doing... Was she dating him during the... No, no, no. It was like right before she dated me

but the thing was he would call her up and be like, hey, he'd leave voicemails and be like, hey, I can fly you out

to Pittsburgh if you want to come see the Super Bowl and shit like that it's not even like i could call the dude back like hey man what the fuck you know just do this four times you got an extra ticket you know it's like it's so sad the best you can do is invite her to the open mic you're doing so like what i've been thinking this whole time i've been doing comedy is like yeah if i if I ever blow up and get like huge, my first comedy I was going to be called Fuck Lawrence Timmons. First track is Lawrence Timmons ain't shit. Last track is I hope Lawrence Timmons didn't hear this comedy album. It's real life for me, man. I don't understand.

Why wouldn't your friends be laughing at her? She's the one who's not with Lawrence Timmons anymore. Isn't that the biggest? Well, I guess she hooked up because Lawrence Timmons went to FSU. Is that the deal who's not with Lawrence Timmons anymore. Isn't that the biggest? I guess she hooked up because Lawrence Timmons went to FSU. Is that the deal? She lived there for like two years or something like that before he blew up. So you fuck as good as Lawrence Timmons?

Allegedly. That's not bad. That's not bad. He's a linebacker for the Steelers. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I might have been lied to. I probably was lied to. I dated a girl who also a King Kong Bundy, the old 1980s pro wrestler. So that's more my league. She was quite the little dumpling. You kinda look like you, Meatball, and I love you.

Well, speaking of dumps, a preschooler was... Good segue. Good segue of dumps. Speaking of dumps, it's the dump hour. It is segment. It's dump time. Dump time.

Fart? A three-year-old was suspended from preschool because she could not stop shitting her pants. Oh. That is the fucking saddest thing. I think it's more like, why don't you

take your kid home to let's stop shitting in class? Do me a favor. Bring the kid back. Is that what you say? That's what you would do in that situation? Absolutely. The kid shits every day. Why keep bringing it back? It's obviously not ready for school.

And at some point in your life, you have to be a principal of a school. You have to be a high school principal would be the funnest. That's so sad. That's what I want to know. Is that what you want to know? Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. The stigma this poor girl is going to have to face for the rest of her life. Not Harvard material.

They can barely keep it in anyway. Why would they suspend her? That's awful. And it's fucking, the fact that we're hearing about it just makes it that much more sad. Where is this happening at? It's happening in Arlington, Virginia, and what's awful about this, I mean,

you're talking about, you know, this girl's life is ruined. I mean, this is on the internet. Shit on the internet does not go away. And her name, she's named. In huge letters. They wrote it in bigger letters than the rest of the article. For the rest of her life, everybody in her schools is going to call her Shitty Booty.

That's what her name is from now on. We used to call a kid that. Shitty Booty? I like Shitty Booty. Shitty Booty. Brad, if you were a teacher, Brad, and somebody kept on chatting in your class pre-school, how would you handle that? It's anxiety.

The kid's got anxiety. Brad sounds like he had anxiety. So what would you do to calm the child's anxiety? I would tell the parents, you've got to work out whatever issues, because they can't be pooping in class. Absolutely. Throw them out and make them an even dumber person who poops in their pants. Put them in a fucking home.

Uneducated. You know what's great, too? But if you know this about this girl, you could fart around her, and they'd be like, do you fart? You'd be like, oh, do you know what this chick's about? I didn't do anything. I used to do that in seventh grade to a girl named April Gwynn. She smelled really bad.

She lived in the trailer parks, and that was so mean to her. That's exactly what we used to do. We used to fart, like, virtually on her, and then be like, oh, April, you smell terrible. We were so mean. We were so brutally mean to that poor, poor woman. I think she was borderline retarded, too. I'm sorry, April Gwynn. Do you think the hate that you put on other people outweighs the hate that you received back then?

Or do you think it's about even? I feel like I broke even. Because I was very mean to a lot of people, man. You made the teacher who had cancer cry? Yeah, Mrs. Gerbil. No, she didn't have cancer. Mrs. Gerbil? I'm Mrs. Gerbil. No, she didn't have cancer. Mrs. Gerbil? I'm Mrs. Gerbil.

You can call me that. And the weekend before she taught, this was a Monday, she was substituting. Her twin sister had died, and I did not know that. So, you know, I'm talking in class, doing my normal shenanigans, sitting in the aisles, you know, pretending to be a cool Zack Morris type, who was truly who I thought was normal I thought that was how you should act and then she called me and hideously unattractive

but I didn't have a big cell phone so that was kind of cool and so she called me a fucking Polack bastard and I was like, first of all I'm German so I stood up in class and I wrote I wrote it on the board what she called because she whispered it to me and she got fired.

And then I found out later her twin sister died. A real asshole thing for me to do. But at least I wasn't sitting there shitting myself every single class like this goddamn three-year-old bitch. While she was suspended, she was suspended for a month,

and her parents still had to pay the $835 monthly tuition. For $835, my child can shit in your fucking mouth. If you charge me that much money, you don't teach him anything. You're not teaching these children anything. My kid's still shitting his pants. Yeah, you're a teacher. Take care of it.

That's what you'd go when you were so stupid in college and you majored in preschool education. I wouldn't have paid. Hell no. Fuck that. in college and you major in preschool education. I wouldn't have paid. Hell no. It's a county law where children have to be potty trained in preschools. It's a law in Arlington, Virginia

and they've had it for decades. God, potty training. That was such a nightmare. I remember every part of it. My dad would just be pushing my belly in when I was sitting there. Just get it out. Just pushing my belly. Just being like just get it out. Just get it out. Get it out.

Just get it. Just get it out. And he'd be like feeding me and it was just so upsetting. Charlie, do you have any children? I actually am about to have a child in May. Oh! I'm with you. I'm paying you assholes $750 a month

You should clean his shit Alright and that's a new thing for the round table Pick the name We're going to have votes up We're going to put it on the website You're going to pick the name of Marcus' brother's child It will not be Marcus Do you have any names picked out?

We actually do have a name picked out What are you going with? His name is going to be Remy Remy Classy William Remy William Parks I like that

That's a good name That's a good ass name That's a good strong name It's a conqueror's name At least a basketball player Yeah that kid's going to punch through a lot of windows man It'll also probably blow up a lot of windows, man. And also probably blow up a lot of frogs with firecrackers.

He murders half as much wildlife as Marcus did growing up. Did you kill as many animals as Marcus or is that just him? No, we actually taught Marcus how to do it. No, it wasn't just me. And they've killed many animals since. Did everyone in Lubbock have a hatred of frogs?

No, we didn't grow up in Lubbock. We grew up two and a half hours away. Oh, okay. That's so much scarier. Because when I think of Lubbock, I'm like, that is a hick-ass town. I can't imagine an hour and a half outside of that. Two and a half. Two and a half hours.

That's right by where the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was. I just feel like it was an hour and a half south of where Texas Chainsaw Massacre was set. Awesome. Because, like, yeah, it's Childress, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nick, you're from a small... I'm sorry, what? Oh, I was going to ask, you hunt? Yes.

Okay. That was where you were kind of leading into? Yeah, I was leading into. What do you hunt? What do you hunt at? We hunt on our ranch there. Oh, okay. How many deer did you kill whenever I was at home for Christmas?

I don't know, like five. That's amazing. How many days were you home? Like five. Deer a day! Small towns are so crazy. You have to fill the fridge with fantastic deer meat. Nate, you're from a smaller town, right?

Yeah, kind of. Old Hickory. What do you think is crazy? Who's crazier? People from small towns or New York City people? Because I know people in New York City always say this is the craziest city on earth, but I feel like small town folk, unwatched. People go unwatched there. And I know when I'm unwatched in my apartment

alone, I am farting and masturbating with whatever was put on my palm after the shoot. Gonzo. It gets disgusting. Raw gonzo. A lot of nasty things. I feel like in these small towns, people really are led to their own devices. I think here, it's just accepted that people just

pee in the middle of the street and everybody's just fine with it here. It's New York. That shouldn't be. You're going unwatched, but you're being watched here. No one cares. You're being ignored here. Everybody's just fine with whatever goes on. I'm just more creeped out by what's going on

behind closed doors in general. In the small towns? Yeah, in the small towns. It's quiet outside, but man, there's some fucked up shit happening. I think they keep it in their family. Keep it in the basement. Keep it in the fridge. You'll is, it's in the basement.

Keep it in the fridge. You'll find out about it in 20 years and that guy will go to jail. For about seven months. That house will stink like hell. I feel like every small town, I guess maybe it's just because there's less people, so you sort of know. We had the town retard. His name was Roger.

Roger used to fuck cats. And then he used to throw them into Iverson Lake. You just know that. Serial killer, man. Yeah, serial killer. It's like the Green River Killer. Yeah. Unfortunately,

nobody cares about cats. But there has to be at least... You have to screw it. Oh, you just grab it and fuck it and then you throw it in the river. Promise it food, shake your knee and fake it. Yeah, because you're going to kill the cat. Yeah, you just got to... Do you kill the cat before you fuck it? Do you throw it in the river yeah promise it food shake your hand fake it yeah because you're gonna kill the cat yeah you just gotta you know do you kill the cat before you it do you like it like slice it yeah i mean it happens but do you the front or the back

the back back jackie we've been over this what episode are we on like 30 like 32. yeah they're obviously declawed, right? It depends. That might be part of it. Yeah, that might be part of the fun. Unless you crack its jaw, though. Do you ever dissect a pig in science class where you have to crack the jaw to look at the tongue?

A pig? You went with a pig? Yeah, we just did a baby pig. We did a frog and then a pig. We did a baby pig. Yeah, a baby pig. It was a fetal pig. Tiny, a pig. We did a baby pig. It was a fetal pig. Tiny, tiny pig.

You had to crack its jaw to rip open it from the top half and then slice it down the center. How much fun was that for you, Jackie? On a scale of 1 to 10, I don't know. It's hard to say. Too fun. Named it Piggles.

Piggles fucking died the shit out of its death. I'll tell you what. I can't believe it. You decided to make an emotional attachment with this creature you're about to mutilate. That's already dead. Yeah, and it had its little tongue sticking out too. It was all blue.

That's a cute little piggy. I dissected a frog, but even that was too much. Yeah, I can't do that. Yeah, Matt Churris was my partner, and he did it all. I didn't really touch it. I can't deal with all that death. I don't care at all. It's just like meat, though.

It's just like you ever, you know, rip out the insides of a chicken? Meat. Like an already dead chicken. Yeah. You know, it's just the same. I guess so. Well, talking about pig deaths. Oh, all right.

Great segues. Yeah. Well, yeah. He's a news pig deaths. Oh, all right. Great segues. Well, yeah. He's a newsman. I'm a newsman. Pig hunting is a very big thing in Italy. Yeah. And in Italy, last year, in one year, 35 people were killed in hunting accidents.

74 others were injured. One of the reasons why, in In Italy You can hunt on anyone's land There's no trespassing laws You can just go anywhere That's because it's the mob It's a different kind of hunting They hunt for humans So they eat the pig meat I would assume

They eat the pig meat But not many people in Italy hunt I guess not I guess that's why they don't have the pig meat. But not many people in Italy hunt. Hmm, I guess not. Well then I guess that's why they don't have the laws then. So it's not really that big of a deal there. But how often do they have like hunting accidents though? Well, 35

deaths in a year. That's a lot. One every 10 days. Is that bad? That's terrible. That's too many? No one should die. No one's supposed to die. No human beings are supposed to die. Yeah, but if you can go anywhere you want, it's just like bullets willy-nilly. I feel like is the word pigs in quotation marks?

It's not really pigs. It's just cops or people who make less than $8,000 a year. Throw them out there like iced tea and survive in the game. Yeah, the article was written by NWA. Ice tea and surviving the game. Yeah, the article was written by NWA. The sad thing is that they killed 34 other hunters and one mushroom picker.

A mushroom picker. A simple, innocent mushroom picker. He went to ITT Tech for his mushroom picking license. Poor bastard. It would be fun if you were hunting and no one just stumbled upon a home that was doing a bunga bunga room. Oh, bunga bunga.

And Silvio Berlusconi, back in the news this week, there will be a protest at Silvio Berlusconi's house in which women will just throw pennies at him. Isn't that awesome? That is the opposite. What a rock and roll star. That's amazing. It's like an Elvis concert. It's a bigger Bunga Bunga room.

It's just a gigantic Bunga Bunga. That's incredible. Well, good for him. Hundreds of women. This guy is 74? 74. People are staging a day in Italy with hot ass Italian women just coming to your house and throwing their panties at you. And they're like,

oh, it's a bad thing. I don't think so. Meatball, when you're 74 years old, do you plan on having a whole plethora of pussy surrounding your body at all times, or are you going to be a little more low-key? I think I'm going to keep it in my basement. I'm going to live in a small town. I'm just going to keep it all under wraps. No one's going to know about it. Keep some cats down there? Yeah, cats.

A couple things. A bunch of different things, probably. That'll be fun. What would be your fantasy? If you're 74 years old, nobody's going to know what you have in your basement that you're regularly having sex with. What kind of woman would you want down there? Chinese chick? Yeah, you know, I don't really

discriminate. I kind of, you know, I like to... Just any girl? You know... I just broke up with my girlfriend, so this is kind of a bad time. Now it's just like anything I can get, so... Mutilated dead ones. You know, honestly, what it is,

I think I find one redeeming quality, like, it could be anything about a girl, just one thing, and it's like, I zero in on that, and that's the cool thing. Like, she could be... Functional girl just one thing and it's like i zero in on that and that's the cool thing like she could be functional yeah you know she she's like she had great tits you know and the rest of her is just fucking you know trash like throw it all away it's like a goo it's like kind of a goo substance yeah a big puddle of goo massive breasts with awesome tits and you know it's like hey at least she's got nice tits.

For me, it's like you find that one redeeming... It sounds like you could be in everything. If you could get with one of those fellas with the large bosoms. So men out there, don't get your reductions. There are people like Meatball who would love to cuddle with you and love all of you

because you have those great cans. Did you ever see, there's one video that's going around of that dude, he's like a Brazilian dude that dances, right? There's that Brazilian dude that dances and he's got like those massive breasts and he's like all into himself and shit but he looks like he's taking way too many steroids and... Are they real breasts or fake?

Is he a transsexual? Uh, no, I think they're real. I think they're just like he's took so much pharmaceutical products to get himself all pumped up. I'm tell my girlfriend about not a steroid steroids oh it's all kind of fucked we had a guy uh any roads give you tits the testosterone after a while when there's too much of it you just there's a guy that eddie and i went to school with forever ago and uh he was using all kinds of shit and he uh but eventually went off of it and he developed the ski slopes you know the fucking man breasts and uh the bitch tits and it was it was pretty

ugly and uh yeah no but this guy like he was still in it though he could tell he was juicing every day and he still has these like basketball sized fucking tits it's really awkward it's kind of uncomfortable to watch it seems so ironic because the idea of the idea of steroids is to make you ultra man, right? To be the buffest beefcake around. And if it gives you tits, I feel like you should probably stop using the steroids. Tiny balls, too. You have to work out all the time, though, to get

big, right? I knew a kid who just took steroids and didn't work out and just got really fat. Why aren't these working? The fuck does it do when you don't work out? You just get fat. You just got really fat? Why aren't these working? What the fuck does that do when you don't work out? You just get fat. You just get really fat. Oh my god, because you're just eating like a lot of... He's the skinniest little guy, too, and he just ate roys

and got fat. And we're like, man, you gotta work out, bro! Kevin, you're a nutritionist. What does that do to your body when you don't work out and you just pop roys on it? Yeah, exactly that, man. But wait, what you were saying before where the guy's like, I mean mean the testosterone converts to estrogen after a while but they have another pill that the process is called aromatization where it switches over like that and so there's another pill that these dudes take that reverses that so like testosterone can

get to a point where it peaks and then it doesn't switch over to estrogen if they take these pills but if it's already happened i don't think they don't think they can do anything about it after a certain point. So then they just have to get the surgery. And that's why probably that shit is going up, because probably more people are taking that type of thing. Steroids, yeah. Well, that's a beautiful irony.

That's like Tara Reid getting all the plastic surgeries and now she just looks like an absolute zombie. Mm-hmm. No, no. You ever seen her tits? Yeah, they're very bizarre. What do they do? Her tits, she got so many tit jobs,

like her nipple has just sort of slipped down. It looks like a melted candle. What did she get naked on? She was at an award show. Oh, yeah, yeah, I saw that. And her dress kind of slipped down, and you saw the nipple. I didn't have a problem with it. I thought it was nice. Did you masturb I saw it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And her dress kind of slipped down, and you saw the nipple. I didn't have a problem with it.

I thought it was nice. Did you masturbate to it? Yeah. Awesome. I just thought she was taking a whole bunch of steroids. Talking about the celebrity females, got Lindsay Lohan in the news. She is facing felony theft charges. Oh, God. She just can't stop.

She can't stop. This is the first Lindsay Lohan story we've ever talked about. Oh, God. She just can't stop. She can't stop. This is the first Lindsay Lohan story we've ever talked about. No, it's not. No, we talked about whenever she was going to star in that Linda Lovelace biopic that she eventually dropped out of. But she stole a $2,500 necklace from a California jewelry store. Wow. And yeah.

Why is she stealing? She's a multimillionaire. If she's convicted, she's going to get three years in prison. That is going to be the hottest prison sex. I really want to see it. I wish I could be a fly on the wall during those sweet, sweet lesbian scenes. I think it's going to be like a big

horrible, scary lesbian raping her. Yes, I mean that's the thing. I feel like children should never be allowed to act on screen. They're all fucked up. For the most part, they just get fucked up. What are we going to do? What about our parents, though?

Our parents are crazy. I know. That's true. I guess if we did maybe replace children with little people, something like that. Yeah, or just don't write them into anything. Pretend like they don't exist. That would be fantastic. I would rather that.

It would be like the performance of Hairspray my friend does in Eau Claire. There's not enough black people in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, so they just cast Asians. Defeats the whole purpose of the show. I also play kids on Mexican TV, that show. Oh, that's some real class act television right there, too. Oh, yeah, where they have the rouge on their cheeks and they're just like, aye, aye, aye. Just because you have rouge on your cheeks.

In a diaper in a classroom. So what's Lohan saying about this? Did her fella send out a press release or anything? There's been no press releases so far. The charges are expected to come down on Monday. The Venice store where she

stole a cute, allegedly stole the necklace, says that they have video of her wearing the necklace in the store and leaving. I mean, this is on video. She is fucked. Maybe she just forgot. No, she's, I guarantee you this judge. She thought it was free necklace day.

That happens, you know. Charlie, if you have a, let's see, so you're having a son. Remy's a son. I am. So if he turns out to be a demon child like Lindsay Lohan, how are you going to deal with that? You know, let's say he shits himself immediately when he's in preschool. Next thing you know, he grows up.

He's got a cute face, so he gets some commercial work, does a few things, maybe a nice remake of a family drama. And next thing you know, he's a star at 18, starts doing the crystal meth, hanging out with the Charlie Sheensens of the world stealing necklaces. What are you doing? Beat the shit out of him. And that's Texas, my friend. There is no child above an ass whipping. I completely agree, man.

Kids should get the shit kicked out of them every once in a while. It's like training a puppy. Don't put your nose in shit. It hits you. When I was young for Christmas, my dad was just like, you're a bad kid. I don't like you. You're a bad son.

I was like, well, you didn't beat me enough. Yeah, he did not beat you enough. That's for damn sure. Henry and I were never hit once. That's a shame. I watched my sister get bashed in the face with a telephone though by my mom once. Because she called her a fucking cunt.

So that deserves it. But at the same time, how do you do it? Because I know I'm going to beat my kids. I can put that on the record now. Because they're going to deserve it. I know this now. Just for being born and ruining your life. Exactly, because I can't live this glorious life that I'm leading right now.

So I don't understand how you do it. What do you think about that? Now, you're married, right? Are you and your wife planning on having kids anytime soon? I don't know.

Probably. I guess so. How are you going to raise your child other than not being there? Yeah. Well, she's going to raise it. Her and her new husband will probably be fine.

That sounds great. I know my dad was a very abusive fella, but I'm 6'7", so as soon as I hit puberty and started getting big, and then he hit me one more time and I hit him so hard in the face and screamed at him, you know, never to hit me again and all this shit, you've got to not do that last hit to your kid when they're bigger than you because then you're really going to get hurt. Absolutely.

So that's very important. When I have my child, I'm not going to hit him past 11. Past 11? He's going to be huge. Oh, man. If you get mentally in their head, that's like an older brother, a younger brother. If you can, You always have like that

Something where you're kind of You know It's a power Where they kind of look at you different I mean unless you grow That's true Freakishly huge Like is your dad big

He was six foot four But arthritic So he's shrinking every day Yeah He's not doing too well He actually just lost He works at a condo community In Fort Lauderdale

He ran for president of the condo. He lost to a fellow who doesn't speak English. So I have no idea how that fucking happened. That's tough, that's tough. Does he speak Spanish at least? No, he speaks... He speaks nothing? He's from the Middle East, so he speaks one of those.

One of him. And the thing is, I think he's actually a Muslim guy, and the fact that it's very Jewish, a lot of Jewish people in this community, it's a Fort Lauderdale retirement home, and he still somehow beat my father. That's because your father is at Nazi blood, and they don't forget that shit. Exactly. They're at the retirement community, they're all alive, and they saw, like, so many Jews now.

I told him. I told my dad he should have separated himself a little bit more because he's a first generation American. He had to change his name from Bank to a simple Ben or something like that. And his father was a Nazi. And his father was a Nazi. So that's a big part. Was he in the army?

He ran the fucking thing. He was Hitler? Your grandfather was Hitler? I know. That's why I love the Shiza porn. It's a genetic thing I got a porn story for you guys Iran Personal story for you

In Iran, two men were condemned to death yesterday for running a porn site Two men and one of the guys, they busted him he was living in Canada he came back to Iran to visit his sick mother. And they caught him, arrested him, and sentenced him to death.

So isn't that just complete evidence that these clerics and everything were looking at porn? I think so. Enough porn to realize who was producing it and figure out who their favorite directors were and whatnot. Maybe they just made terrible porn. And that was the overall offense. who their favorite directors were and whatnot. Maybe they just made terrible porn. And that was the overall offense. You would have to go out of your way to find out who was a producer. I don't know any producers.

They don't have credits at the end of it. You find out what your job is when you pay taxes. Ben, what would you say? What's the conditions for terrible porn? Oh, my God. I watched a porno with a soft penis two days ago, and that didn't work. So you need a hard cock. The guy just did not...

He was one of those fellows who had the smaller penis, and then he had the surgery to cut it. So then it gives you the gonzo cock. You just kind of like... Wait, what? Gonzo the Muppet nose? Yeah, gonzo the Muppet cock. Wait, they cut it? There's a surgery.

You know about this, Charlie, don't you? Yes. Do you want to explain it? Is it circumcision? No, I'm not talking about circumcision. No, this is where you cut a string in your cock. You know what I'm talking about, right, Nick? You cut a tendon in your dick

and it grows about another three, four inches. It's like the equivalent of a female breast job but for a male porn star who needs a bigger dick. Why? I have no idea what you're talking about. You gotta not see it because it's disgusting. But when you do that surgery, your dick doesn't get hard

because it fucks with the blood flow. That's the worst kind of porn, ironically. I love women just as much as the next lesbian, but I think that when it's not hard, I can't jack off. You can't get hard. I can't get hard to a penis that looks like my penis when I'm having sex with my girlfriend.

Can you have sex? Well, the thing is, it's like sort of hard. It's as hard as it could possibly be. They like shovel it in there, and then it's just, you and then they all squeeze it in, and then they do some weird things. I watched one porno, and it reminded me of how they make Arby's meat.

Horsey sauce. Horsey sauce and Arby's sauce. Arby's meat comes in a large truck, and they funnel it into bags, and then you put those bags on the freezer, and that bag becomes meat. And one congealed thing. But it all comes liquefied.

It's like old chewing tobacco from a spittoon. And you get man tits from the processed food. I did like those Market Fresh sandwiches though when they started running with those. Very unhealthy. I was into those though. I made a lot of those. You made a lot of them? The big bread? Yeah.

Was that the meat that they used? The liquid meat for those? No, that was better. It was just the roast beef because they just sold so much of it. There had to be 5,000 cows in each slice because it's all just one big mixture of fucking garbage. Just brains and eyes.

How long did you work at an Arby's? Six months. I got fired. Why did you get fired? I just didn't show up. Was it like a big woman? There was like a big horrible woman in my room. There was a Burger King.

I have had eight fast food jobs. Mike! Literally eight? Yeah. I know. I got fired six months every time.

Come on. Let's go through them. Where'd you work? Taco Bell was my first job when I was 16. I got fired for taking out the trash and leaving. He said I can leave at eight so I left at eight but then he fired me. Big Texas fella. Real co was 16. I got fired for taking out the trash and leaving. He said I can leave at 8, so I left at 8, but then he fired me.

Big Texas fella. Real cocksucker. I'm sure there were other reasons, but keep going. Well, I don't know. I farted one time on the line. It was Pizza Hut, Wendy's, Arby's. Why'd you get fired? What are the fire reasons?

Pizza Hut was just, I was just, I was never, I wasn't a good worker. You did. You had a conflict of interest. I would hang out, I hung out, Pizza Hut I got fired for hanging out in the freezer

for too long and like getting out of work. That's stupid. Yeah. I used to want to make pizza. I was like a really fat 18 year old kid and I just didn't want

to make pizza so I got fired for that. Burger Hangout fired for injecting chicken nuggets with barbecue and ketchup uh which is a fantastic have you ever done that KB no oh you gotta try it man so what you inject it with barbecue and ketchup and then serve them eat them no eat them on the line he was eating during his shift like when he wasn't supposed to be eating was the reason I kept on just I would always just like dump fries and shit and then

just eat them on my own. They'd be like, is somebody ordering fries? And I'd be like, oh, you know. No, but somebody's going to be in here. But he'd be like, dead. Didn't some kind of thing happen between you and the woman too, though? The woman that fired you? Yeah, she fired me when I had a mouth full of chicken tenders. And I said, oh, I'm not eating.

It was terrifying. How could you get fired for that? I feel like you'd be an innovator. You talk to the right guy, and someone would say, hey, let's sell that shit. I wasn't the fellow. When you walk into a restaurant, I'm not. Especially then, I was 380 pounds, and I was very sweaty and always gross. So you're trying to market, basically.

They just wanted you out of there anyway. Yeah, I kept on asking if I could work at the register, and they were like, no, you're hideous. You never will. You're was the ultimate fat boy. You look like a cartoon of a fat person. No more shit in your mouth. Yeah, it was disgusting. So that's pretty much what it was. That was it, and then Burger King, and then Arby's

after that. Arby's, Sbarro's. Okay, Taco Bell. Arby's, Sbarro's. Pizza Hut. Wendy Pizza Hut Wendy's Thank god you're a dog nanny Don't eat the chili at Wendy's They use 3 day old meat in there After you're done you just chop it up

There's different laws when it comes to mixed meat and chili How about the Taco Bell thing Where it's like 30% beef Their beef is only 30% actual meat I have no problem with that It's worse than dog food beef. Their beef is only 30%. I have no problem with that. It's worse than dog food. No, it's not.

Yeah, it is. Taco Bell's a great F. Dog food's a great D. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. It's actually worse than dog food. We're talking about food here. Got a segment from Holden McNeely.

Alright, last meals. Let's just hop around. Whoever wants to go first. You're on death row. You're on death row. You murdered a man, but it was a political crime. You assassinated a leader that was stealing

from the poor. Okay. You've done something just. People are behind this, what you've done. And you have a last meal to have. You have anything you want. Okay. Okay? You've done something just. You know? People are behind this, what you've done. And you have a last meal to have. You have anything you want. Alright. Alright?

So, uh, it's, uh, yeah. What do you think, Ed? What are you gonna go with? What would I have? I don't know. I guess, you know, obvious choice is a steak, but I want something weird.

I want them to work really hard for it. Right? I think you need, like, strange-ities. I'd get that weird, you know what? I'd get that fish that in Japan

where there's, like, one out of every four kills you. Yeah, might as well! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.'d get that weird, you know what, I'd get that fish that in Japan where there's like one out of every four kills here. Yeah, might as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

just get that. That's great. Just like, yeah, yeah, cut it wrong. Who gives a fuck? I almost had to die

from the fish, you know, so that on my tombstone it doesn't say executed in prison, you know, it's just like bad fish. In prison,

bad prison fish. Bad prison fish. Well, that's my biggest question, is that when you're at... I would think, especially if you're in jail for those kind of circumstances, I would want to go out with a bang.

Yeah. Just like that. I would be like, give me raw glass. I just want to eat it. You would eat glass. Raw glass? Raw glass.

No, no, no. Process. Don't give me that cooked glass. Don't want it processed. I want fucking raw-ass glass. i want to chew on it yeah harder than sand harder than sand yeah yeah because then that'd be great because when the people who are who were there the families there to watch you get executed and you come in you're just like blood flying out of your fucking mouth'd try to rip out all of my teeth and just try to prove a point.

You'd be a great prisoner. They'll be so upset that they came that day to watch you die. They're going to come watch me die and want to scar them for life. What do you think, Nate? The last meal. I don't know.

I'd probably just mix up a bunch of fast food. Yeah. Stuff like this. Like all the places Ben worked at, you would just have that. Yeah, I literally would go all... Jimmy John's. That's another one. Jimmy John's is unbelievable.

Yeah, I like Jimmy John's. Oh, man, the little knob at the end of the bread. Oh, yeah. Just eat knobs. They're usually filled with mayonnaise, too. Yeah. I want to do a tough one. Like, if you were here, you said Sonic, because they don't really have Sonic here.

Yeah, like in an outburn or something. Something where they've got to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. don't really have Sonic here. Yeah, like In-N-Out Burger or something. It depends on where you get killed. If you get over here, like In-N-Out, and then you go, oh, like an In-N-Out burger. Make them work for it. You just want to see them travel and deal with the pain. There's no way the burger would be good by the time I got back to the movie. Not at all. No.

There's no way. That's why you just throw it at them. Just be like, ha ha, you fucking idiot! You can't blame me. I went all the way out there to get me in and out, you moron! Sternagel, you got one last meal before you're executed by

firing squad. Firing squad? It's not electrocution. No, it's a different country. Yeah, firing squad. Electrocution, Jesse Popp was saying there's a guy who ate just tons of ice cream, and then when he got electrocuted, he was the biggest mess on the planet. That's a great idea. That's awesome. who ate just tons of ice cream. Yeah. And then when he got electrocuted, he was the biggest mess in the planet. Ooh.

That's a great idea. That's awesome. Just like... Massive diarrhea. He just burst ice cream voltage. I love that. That's amazing. That's a good idea.

If I'm just getting shot, I'd probably go with my childhood favorite food, which is Long John Silver's. Oh. You gotta get the hush puppies and the fried fish. Love those hush puppies. Popcorn shrimp. I'd smell like a Long John Silvers as I was getting shot,

I guess. Oil reeking from my pores. Well, they'll dress you up like a pirate, too. So, that's an idea for that. I would just want a refrigerator full of half-eaten food and I want to eat my meal at 3 a.m. and really relive the glory days.

So just like mayonnaise, dipped bread, and a little Tabasco sauce and hopefully I can get some chicken tenders in there, inject them with a little ketchup, a little barbecue sauce, and relive some Burger King memories. That's what I would probably go with. That's beautiful.

I've long known that it is impossible for me to die. So if that was happening, it would for sure be the end of the world. And basically it would just be God destroying everything because I did what I came here to do. So I would go down there to Florida and get one of the Florida Panthers, man. They'd be already dead, but I would do that shit. I would make a steak out of it and it would be delicious. That's how I'm going out. Alright. They will let you hunt your own food. They will let you hunt

the panther down. There's no they anymore, man. I already took everybody out. Kevin, who did you kill to get sentenced to death row? And how did you even get sentenced to death row? There's no death row, man. He sentenced himself to death row. He killed everybody. Exactly. I came on to death row. Look, killed everybody.

Exactly. I came on this earth with nothing but hate. There's nothing but hate. And all I do is just fucking hate. Lord of Man, dude. Yeah, exactly. I have destroyed everything, and I'm taking my Florida Panther as my prize. Let go.

That's like He-Man. That's me, man. That's awesome. That's fucking He-Man That's awesome Charlie Gosh, I think I want everybody to think I'm crazy So I'm gonna Suck the milk from a fat man's Lactating tits Charlie

Charlie Parks opening up a chain restaurant Charlie Parks lactating bosoms It's called Fat Tits. Fat Tits. Come on down. What you got for us, Meatball? What are you doing?

Can't say meatballs. Can't say meatballs. It's kind of fun. Actually, one of the best meals, I was on a little island in the Bahamas and this woman, it was unbelievable.

It was actually really good. It was like they grabbed the lobster right out of the ocean, fucking boiled it, and just put it on a plate, and it was one of the best fucking meals I've ever had in my life. There you go.

Boiled lobster. Just boiled lobster. Something like that would be awesome. Hell yeah. We're all out of lobster. Boiled ass lobster. Hell yeah. You trying to tell us how fancy you are, man?

Go to Bahamas and shit? Yeah. Fuck you, man. I swam there, though. I to Bahamas and shit. Fuck you, man. I'm just wondering, can I have one of those weed Jolly Ranchers that I had the other night from L.A.? I had one of those this morning. What'd you think, buddy? It was wild.

Oh, man, I loved it. I'm going to go with weed Jolly Rancher for sure to start off the meal. That's dessert. us going dessert and breakfast dessert and appetizers that would be terrifying what if you were still high when they were going to electrocute you

imagine being high I would definitely go high I would way more want to go high I'll just put drugs in me as you please drugs sure but just on weed though I would way more want to go high I'll just put drugs in me as you please Drugs sure but just on weed though I want a pancake made out of heroin before I go

to death row I want to be so sedated so I'll have the pancake made out of heroin the weed jolly rancher and chocolate chip ice cream cake Ben and Jerry's It's going to say happy death day Holden on the cake

That sounds absolutely wonderful Happy death day Holden And speaking of the end, that's the end of this one Thank you guys so much Meatball, thanks for being here Nate Bargatze, thank you so much Brad Sternagel And then of course Charlie Parks

Kevin Barnett, Holden McNeely, Ed Larson Jackie Zabrowski, Ben Kissel, Marcus Parks, great job, buddy, and that's this Roundtable of Gents. Oh, yeah. Oh, chow time. Chow time, everybody. Let's just stick with chow time.