The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 300: Girls in the Barn

Episode Date: September 20, 2016

For their 300th episode, the gang is joined by Kevin Barnett to talk about favorite rappers, inappropriate teachers, and the perils of keeping too many birds in one's house.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. This is the

beginning of the show. I prayed last time. This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius. The age of Aquarius. Carry that water, you bitch. Aquarius. Alright, carry the water, Jackie. Come on.

I'm carrying the water. I'm carrying the fucking water. I'm not an Aquarius. I'm a Leo. I'm'm carrying the fucking water. I'm not an Aquarius. I'm a Leo. I'm a sexy fucking rock star. You're a Leo, huh? Yeah, man. You know what?

Thank God for Leos. Thank you, God, for giving me the power. DiCaprio. And ooh, and I'm feisty. I'm the same day as Napoleon. Bone apart, I was born. Fuck every other sign. I don't know why you made them God, because I know that you did up in the stars.

But I am a Leo. Sexy fucking rock star. Amen. All right. Napoleon wasn't as short as they said he was, and apparently he shot the biggest loads. Napoleon was actually taller than the average Frenchman. That's a total lie. That's why I shoot so much load.

That's the thing. Because we were born on the same day. All right. So this is the round. You shoot a lot of load, Jax? Oh, yeah. I got the same day. All right, so this is around Goopy loads ever the only load you feel a big one come and you're like it's gonna be big You know you ever shout it right before you fucking load on a big old balls Eddie I'm sure you have massive amounts. Yeah, you got workers in there Let it build up for long enough, what are we talking about?

Take a week off. Can you fill up a shot glass? I mean, I could definitely fill up a flounder's mouth. That's the way we start the show. You got to save it up, man. You got to save it up until you get tzatziki coming out of you. You know what I mean? I can fill up the hump of a camel.

Absolutely. Let's fucking get a job at Mamoon's over here. What's a tzatziki? It's chunky Greek sauce. Oh, my God. Greek sauce. Tzatziki. You know tzatziki.

I never had it before in my life. This is the round table of gentlemen. That's Jackie. She's here. Ed, you're here. Tzatziki. It's tzatziki time. Oh, I put the icky in tzatziki.

Yeah. You fuckers. And you know it's tzatziki time. And we get tzatziki time. Horny on right. You fuckers. And you know it is Ziki time. And we get to Ziki time. Horny on to Ziki time. Horny on to Ziki time. This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius. Age of Aquarius.

All right. Did you forget your shout outs or do you have them? Love Nators. No. Go loo. Oh, yeah. We got some PlayStation Network shout outs. Everybody loves them.

Every single week I do them. Yeah, you don't do them every week, though. Someone sent me a Facebook message like, how do I get a shout-out? I was like, go buy a PlayStation 4. Go to a Best Buy or a GameStop. Purchase a PlayStation 4 Slim. They're like $200, $300 now, the new Slim.

Take it home. Get a PlayStation Network account. $10 for the first month if you just want to do one shout-out and never play it again. Or, it's like $60 for the year. Fucking what a steal. You get to play games online with your friend and everything. You're charging people to give

you a shout-out? It costs about $360 to do a PlayStation Network shout-out. Isn't that something? So anyways, Alex Aslan says, Jackie is the woman $360 to do a PlayStation Network shoutout. Isn't that something? It does. So anyways, Alex Aslan says, Jackie is the woman I aspire to be when I grow up. Also, Ed and Ben need to have a love child.

Holdenators hoe bitches. Professor Placenta says, Jenna, Mark loves you and your weird butt. Tom Spence says, asked me to call him something disgusting and perverse. What is it? So I'll call him Ed Larson. Ooh, hold on a second.

Ed's name has been mentioned. He gets to comment. Fuck you. All right. It's a feud. The pepperoni man says he lives in jail now because he loves crime. That's your PlayStation Network shout outs.

Back to the show, boys! Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba- You hand-picked those? Yeah, that was... What shit were you dealt? You know how much money went into the shout-outs that just happened right now? Yeah, that's $1,400, right, Jackie? Yeah, roughly. Cumulative. To get PlayStation Network to buy a PlayStation 4. You can't hit me up on a PlayStation 3. So don't even try to go to the thrift store, you cheap fucking loser idiot. Wow.

All right, Jackie's a loser. Ed's a loser. Marcus is a loser. I'm a loser. Holden's a loser. The only non-loser with us just opened up for Waka Flocka Flame. Waka Flocka's the big deal. I think Kevin Barnett is.

How bad did you bomb in front of all those people who didn't want to see you? Well, it's surprising that you would say I'm the non-loser of this group because I definitely lost last night, man. It was fascinating what happened to me there. First of all, talk about how the fuck did you get booked to open up for Waka Flocka Flame? I still don't know. In Roanoke, one of the whitest towns of all time, I got the email to do it about a month and a half ago. And upon reading it, I knew that this was a suicide mission.

From the second night, there was no way it was going to go good. So was he like a fan of yours? No. How did you get the email? Where did it come from? You were the cheapest black man he could get? I'll tell you, the money was definitely less than what I would have

liked with the experience that I had. I can tell you that much, man. But no, I think the venue wanted me, and I guess his people gotta approve it, but then I went and just, it was a mistake. What the hell me, and I guess them people, his people got to approve it. But then I went and just, it was a mistake. What the hell happened, man? How many people were there?

And how could you possibly, how could any comedian succeed in that scenario? Did you see the footage? Did you backflip? No, no, no, no. None of that shit happened. Backflip. No, no, no, man. I already knew nothing I was going to do was going to help my situation.

I just realized you have the ultimate fucking card up the sleeve with the backflips. If you're ever bombing, just start to say fucking throw the mic and start doing it. You should have brought your saxophone. Here's the thing about doing backflips, for one. You do it, you're throwing yourself backwards into the air. You never really know how it's going to go. I could have bombed this set and then also broke my ankles. That would have been the worst scenario.

I mean, it would have been beautiful. It probably would have been beautiful for them, yeah. No, it was, I can say it was like maybe like 1,500, 2,000 people, whatever it was. Were you booed offstage or was it more cordial? There was some scattered boos throughout. What was your opening line? What was your opening line? What was my opening line? I just said some shit about Roanoke

in my opening line. Nobody heard it. So there was screaming. There was yelling, right? Yeah, the whole time. I get there, like, when at first they asked me to do the show, they're like, you want to open up for Waka?

And I was like, all right, well, there could be no one worse of a rapper for me to open for than Waka Flocka Flame. That's like, literally, I mean, there could be no one worse of a rapper for me to open for than Waka Flocka Flame. That's like literally, I mean, if you want to open for a rapper, you want to open for a guy who has like a slower vibe and says some like, you know, thoughtful shit. Right. Like an old sweatshirt type of guy.

Yeah. Well, you know. So just somebody who's saying some shit or whatever. You know, Waka is- Let's all go around the room and say the rappers that we know. Chance the rapper. I like Common. Chance would be good.

I don't understand. What does he do? Is he a fast paced? No. I don't know this man. I saw. Can I actually speak to this? I grew infinite respect for Waka Waka Flames.

There's a video out there where he did the gathering of the Juggalos and he fucking crushed it. He gets on stage. Nobody wants him out there. They're throwing the bottles at him. They piss in the bottles and they throw it at the performers when they don't like them. That's what they did to Tequila. He fucking is dodging bottles like a fucking football player. Like, you know, just bobbing and weaving.

And then finally he just says, fuck it, and jumps into the middle of the crowd and just rapping in the middle of this mob of people that hate him. And they instantly grew respect for him and like started like getting into the music. One of us. It's amazing. It's incredible. He's like, he's a beast performer. He's not like a dude I don't respect. Like I like the dude stuff.

He's just like a very like, he's a headbanger shit. It's all just like wild, loud shit. I mean, there's several songs where the lyrics is him just going bow, bow, bow, bow over and over again. A good direction for the audience. An Asian crowd. but he's like an incredibly interesting dude because he does all that shit but like he's also like a vegan and then he has like this fucking cute ass dog that he brings around everywhere to every show

that he goes to oh yeah the dog threw up in front yeah yeah so i like i get there right and uh i get to the show first of all like i get there originally in my contract they're like they're like you want to open, I figure like 10, 15 minutes but then I see and then like later on they send like, they want you doing 30.

I'm like, that's not going to work and then a week before there's an amendment in the contract that I got to do 40. I get there and like I see them like,

there's a crazy line outside the venue or whatever and I see people start to pile up and it's just like, as the crowd starts to grow, they're literally screaming the entire

time for hours the people are screaming and i go to the guy i put the show together i'm like listen man i don't know about this 40 minutes what did he say i talked him down he was like okay all right all right maybe you can do uh oh shit you can do 20 20 20 something like that and then so i'm sitting there but you're back there you're like i gotta 20. What mindset do you have to get yourself in? Because you know jokes aren't going to fucking work. No, I was ready to die. So then I'm sitting in my green room, and they're like, you want to meet Waka? And I was like, well, I mean, they just say, all right, come on. We start walking, and we go to his room.

Son of Waka. We start walking to Waka's room. You see that? We get to his room, and it's him and it's like dj who kid and a couple other people who kids like a big dj done a bunch of shit is he like chance the rapper or common or ice cube did you open for ice cube was dr dre there they're all the same that's what happened so then you know i get in the room, and, you know, Walker's, like, mad friendly and shit, and, like, he, like, stands up,

and he's like, oh, what's up, man? And he goes to, like, dap me up. And, like, literally the moment our hands touch, like, we shook hands, the moment our hands touch, his dog just starts throwing up. And I start laughing. And I'm just like, oh, you know, it's funny because the dog is throwing up. It's like I'm not supposed to be here. And I started laughing. And I was like, oh, you know, it's funny because the dog is throwing up. It's like I'm not supposed to be here. And I'm laughing.

And then none of them laugh. And then Walker turns around and goes to get a towel. And I'm still just standing there like, I'm like, so, you know, how long y'all been in town? And as I say that, the dog throws up again. And I just stood there for like a couple seconds. And I just walked out. I walked out of the room. Do you feel like you warmed up the crowd for him? No

So I'm waiting for the show to start And uh I'm waiting for the show to start And at one point one of his boys is walking by my green room And uh It's like they're all like my age Like Walker's 30 His birthday's like's funny because they're all like my age.

Walker's 30. His birthday is like two months old. They're all like my age. And one of his boys walks by my green room and he goes, Oh, shit, bro. Oh, no. Oh, this shit lit, fam. Oh, this lit, bro.

And I think he's talking about the food meeting or the crowd or something like that. He's like, pardon me for a second, man. And then he just jumps onto the bean bag that I was sitting in front of and he goes, Ah. Ah. Ah. had to do that had to do that man my bad man my bad then he gets up and walks out yeah he just needed to jump

oh my god and then the people come in and they're like all right uh all right you ready to go and i was like shit i guess and i go i walk outside right and it're like, all right, you ready to go? And I was like, shit, I guess. And I go, I walk outside, right? And it's like we're up on this upper level, and I'm going to go through the building around the corner and then go up through the sunset. And the whole time, like, the crowd is screaming, but then I start to hear them go, walk up, walk up, walk up, walk up. And I'm 100% certain none of them know I'm about to go up and do a 20 or 30 minute cover.

Roanoke is such a white place. With any luck, they'll just think you're him. Yeah. You should have put some dreads on. Start going bow, bow, bow. I need to get into a Spencer's Gifts immediately and get one of those old Jamaican hats. And so I'm sitting backstage before I'm about to go up, and these people are just screaming to the point where it's like deafening.

Like it literally, it hurt my ears how loud they were screaming. And then the dude who was going to like just announce me, he goes up and they start going fucking nuts. Like, Waka, Waka, and they're screaming so loud. He's like, alright, we got Waka's coming up, man. Fuck you. We got comedian

Kevin Barnett. And then they start booing already. Before your foot even touches the stage. Yeah, look at me. Why are you yelling? They're not even going to look at you before they start booing. They're booing already. And then so I go on stage, and I just fucking try to talk.

I'm just like yelling. I literally can't hear myself speaking. It's that loud. And I have monitors. And I can't hear what the fuck I'm saying. Physical comedy. You got to throw out the banana peel. Just start doing this.

I'm just screaming at these people. And I can't hear what they're saying. And at one point, this dude, like, I'm, like, drinking out of a water bottle. Oh, yeah. At first, I was like, you know, how many of y'all are on Molly? And, like, the entire crowd went, oh! They all screamed. Molly has a very deep voice.

And then I was drinking out of a water bottle, and one kid in the front row was like, throw it at us! And I'm like, no, I'm not going to throw this water bottle at you. It's all the water right there. It's my comedy set. They say it's all the water. And he started screaming at me to throw this water bottle at him,

which I didn't do. You should have done it which probably was a mistake. But it was divisive. He was saying that, and the girl next to him was like, you better not throw that water bottle. And I didn't know what to do. Why don't they just want me to throw the water bottle? You throw the water bottle and just clock them right in the

face of it. It gives them the excuse to jump on stage and fight and fististicuff you. Oh, is that what it is? Oh, yeah. I was afraid of what the repercussions of such action would be, and so I didn't throw the water bottle.

Very good. Somehow, though, I managed to stand on that stage for a full 25 minutes or so. Just yelling. American hero. Wow. I just was yelling about my contract, and I'm getting paid regardless as long as I stand up here for at least 20 minutes. And I was just screaming at these people. It was a comedic filibuster.

Exactly. Yeah. There was a good maybe like four or five people like right in the front that were actually into it, but they were the only people that were laughing. They just couldn't believe you were doing it. Yeah, no, neither could I. There was a whole bunch of get off off the stage, and that type of shit. But I suffered through it, man. And then I finally.

And how did Waka respond when you came off stage? Yeah, so I finally walk off stage, and Waka's standing there, and he just goes, man, you must be tired. must be tired he loves you forever oh wow that's amazing and then after that like you know most people right you you we think you like hanging with a famous rapper you'd want to stay and like go out with them and shit but i left almost immediately oh yeah yeah you didn't even watch the show no i watched the show i stayed and watched the show. We had to take pictures afterwards with the staff and all that shit. But then immediately, right after the last picture was taken, I got in my Uber, went to the hotel, and I left on the first flight out of Roanoke, man. They have airplanes that go to Roanoke?

They have airplanes that go to Roanoke. Not a lot, but they do. Kevin Airlines, only for you. So would you do it again? Of course. Just for the spectacle of it, man. It was amazing. That's great.

All right. Well, I'm so happy you're back alive and safe. And I mean, the video that you shot of Waka performing, it looked like he did great. Oh, he crushed it. Yeah, they loved it. Yeah. All right, Marcus, let's do a news story.

An English teacher has been suspended without pay after she uttered obscenities to pupils. Jennifer Elizabeth Green Johnson of Dunville, Ontario, allegedly asked a student, quote, why don't you lick me where I fart? This is teacher of the year, in my opinion. Yeah, you think so? Why not? I mean, she speaks the language of the children. Yeah, you know all those kids that say, lick me where I fart.

Yeah, lick me where I fart. I used to scream that at the nurse. You know, that's the funny thing is like she was going to say lick my ass, but then she was like, lick me where I fart. Where the fart part happens. But Jackie, you can attest that could be either spot, right? It could be in the front, in the back. It could be, you know, sometimes your mouth makes fun noises, you know?

So maybe she was just asking for a kiss. She wasn't even obscene. That's just, that's playful. Yeah, and she also told us, she called one student a pedophile. Sure. She remarked that one student looked like a frumpy old lady today. And she also told another student, quote, I've never said this to a student before but fuck you

I like this teacher I mean I think the students appreciate it because the thing you got to remember about what it was like was this high school yeah this is high school those days are really mundane and boring for the most part you go into the classroom the teachers are very boring but you have that one teacher where something fun could happen that's her yeah you know she falls into her own trap though because when she does get angry she's hilarious so the entire class is trying to piss her off every period yeah is she a substitute uh no she's an actual teacher she was suspended for a month without pay uh while the ontario college of teachers who license teachers in the canadian province investigate the incident i mean what the investigation is that she's hilarious and she's another funny Canadian.

SNL should cast her. I like her. Another disciplinary report from January shows Green Johnson pleaded no contest to abusing a student verbally, physically, physiologically, or emotionally in incidents dating back to 2011. According to the Brantford Expositor, she admitted calling students, quote, stupid, idiots, gay, and a bitch. I'm surprised she never said something funny about her name. Green Johnson?

Yeah, I'm surprised she never said anything funny about it. I bet probably one of the kids said it, and that's when she called him a bitch. I wonder if anybody's ever peed on her butt. Who knows what happens with substitute teachers or teachers who aren't substitutes. Lick me where I fart. You're hired. At Ben Kissel High School, you're hired, Eddie. Ben Kissel High School, what kind of classes do we get?

Oh, my God. First period, I'm not even there, so you don't have to come either. Second period, you know, that's just where we comb our hair. Third period is lunch. Fourth period is lunch, and then we have dinner. And then the sixth period, look at that. It's already time for last call. That just reminds me of...

Last call. Oh, yeah, we're drinking the whole time. I want to go to that school. Yeah, it's a cool school. That reminds me of a professor I had at FSU. He was like, what fucking... Some science class I had. And the dude would just be lazy as shit for all of our classes.

I remember there was one class where the class was be like an hour and a half and if they teacher shows up more than 30 40 minutes oh yeah you just leave just to say by the roll yeah literally we're all waiting in the class it was like a day or two before finals and uh we're all waiting in the class we need to like learn shit and the guy shows up like 38 minutes late like right at the cutoff we're all about to leave and he and you would think he had like some medical emergency or some other shit. And he just comes in and he stands at the podium. He's like, I would try to tell y'all like why I was late and make up some excuse.

But, you know, I just lost track of time. He's honest. He just gave up. He didn't give a fuck at all. He's honest. He just gave up. He didn't give a fuck at all. He's honest. It was beautiful. Well, this is a picture of the lick me where I fart teacher in question. Oh, my God.

That makes it so much better. Oh, right. She's got beautiful red hair. She looks like she'd be a relative of yours, Pat. She might be. Yeah, she actually has a similar facial structure to my mother. My mom would never say such a terrible thing, but I think she looks like a fun teacher. Yeah, I mean, do you have any Canadian relatives?

No, I have no relatives whatsoever. They're all wiped out in the war. Which war? The one. The two, actually. Yeah, the one for us, but there was two of them. Yeah. Well, I think that there's but there was two of them. Yeah. Well, I think that this, you know, there's no reason to punish this woman.

One month unpaid leave. There are so many horrible teachers out there. These kids have to be confronted with the same amount of energy that they're confronting the teacher with. She's just trying to be funny. Yeah, I wonder if she's ever farted in her hands so she could smell her own butt. Who knows? What? You never farted in your hand and smelled could smell her own butt. Who knows? What? You never farted in your hand and smelled it?

No, it comes up. You don't have to. Well, if you want to get the full thing. The fresh. Yeah. You cup it like you're drinking water. I never said cup it. Sounds like somebody's farted in his own hand.

No. I need to try this new cupping technique that Ben Kissel has taught me. You're going overboard, man. We're just trying to get a little sniff. No! The smell comes to you! That's insane! You don't have to fart in your own hand.

There's also no way that the hand could transport an odor like that. You cup it, it's like a little drink. No, but curiosity does kill the cat when sometimes I Dutch oven myself underneath the comforter, and sometimes I just gotta to pull it up. I just got to see how bad it was. What you got. What I got, I got to give it. Yeah.

Do you put Doug under the comforter with you? I still, of all of the mysteries that are gone in a 10-year relationship, I still refuse to fart in front of my significant other. Even though he demands that you do it for sexual arousal. He does not demand it. I do a lot of other things for sexual arousal. A lot. How many things? At least three things.

That's a lot. I mean 3,000 things. Damn. Call the reporters. Put me in the Playboy. I got the tips. You should have a line. You should have a column in Playboy.

They no longer do nudes. They need to fill it with more intelligent things. But that's why we get Playboy and we also get Hustler. You have to have a little bit of both. You have a subscription to both of those magazines? Yes. Still? Really?

Oh, yeah. We don't keep the Hustler in the bathroom. Where do you keep it? Where is the Hustler Oh, yeah. We don't keep the Hustler in the bathroom. Where do you keep it? Where does the Hustler? Away. What do you do with the Hustler? How many Hustlers do you have? How many Hustlers come in it?

Well, I've had it for like a year and a half now, so I guess about 16. You got a Hustler subscription in 2015? Well, because Playboy was getting rid of the nudes. Yeah, but there's only that internet. What about Pinhead? I'm with Jackie. There's something about holding a naked picture of a woman. Pissing on her ankles.

To flap out, you have the center fold. There's something about that I still enjoy. I just had an embarrassing memory where my buddy's dad had a subscription to Playboy. He kept the Playboys out. And one time I was like, do you mind if I borrow this one? They were like, you can keep it. I'm just like, it's so embarrassing. Why would I do that?

They know I'm going to go take it home and jerk off. How old were you? I was like high school. It was very embarrassing. You were still jerking off to flat pictures in high school? We didn't check. I'm still doing that, baby girl. Apparently you're the only one with a Hustler subscription over here. Yeah, what are you doing with it?

I'm not masturbating to it. That's what porn is for. I can't masturbate to flat pictures. Really? So what the hell do you get the Hustler for? To look at it. There's not even articles in it. I like to look at the pussies.

She needs filthy sex all around her all the time. She's depraved, I tell you. You aren't depraved. Jackie's the most depraved, perverted woman I've ever met. I like the different themes of the photo shoots because they're all pretty hilarious. Horsey, doctor. And what are the other themes? Well, there was one where the women were half painted into instruments, like their bodies were painted into instruments.

And then the other women, as they were, remember that one? She showed it to me It's pretty great. They're like fingering the other girls, but they're playing quote-unquote. They're playing But they're not they were just like having sex with each other just one happened to be painted as an instrument Sexually arousing or that one who isn't but there's something about like girls in the barn that I've There's a lot like girls in the barn that I'm so kind of turned on. Yeah. There's a lot of girls in the barn. There's a lot of girls in the barn.

Hey. That's what gay horses eat. Yeah. I'm sorry. That's my mother's favorite joke. It is a great. It's such a good joke. That and interrupting cow are the best.

No. You didn't interrupt me. No. You fucked it up. Hey. Your mother's favorite joke is what you get horses eat and she goes Comedian Henry's a comedian your mother's favorite joke favorite. I'm gonna go and say one-liner wise What a gay horse is probably the greatest one-liner of all time. What is a better one-liner?

What's the Shh. Huh? What? Uh. Shh. You ever heard of that one? No, that is so stupid.

I like that one. What do you mean? What noise does a fish with no eyes make? No. No. It's like, what's a fish with no eyes? It's a pun. Shh. Is it a pun?

It's a joke about they took the eye out of the fish. Helen Keller's dog. Greatest one-liner of all time. What is that one? Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? Why? You would, too, if your name was... No, no, my not.

I forgot about that one. That's not a joke. too if your name was No, no, my not. That's not a joke. That is a joke. My favorite one of all time, I might have told this a couple years ago on this show, but my favorite one of all time

was the thing my friend in high school made up. I haven't heard it anywhere before or since, but it's very racist and it goes, what did the nigger

get on his SATs? What? Watermelon juice. Oh, that's not bad. That's a great joke. I got chocolate donut stains on my ACTs. That's a real tough one. Full of hate.

It's full of hate. You should have done that last night. Yeah. No, I literally did get chocolate donut stains on my ACT report. The woman that I gave it to didn't think that the machine could read it. But it did. And it got full. I got chicken finger grease on mine. I had a read it. But it did. And it got full.

I got chicken finger grease on mine. I had a bunch of chicken fingers in a bag. You got to eat while you're taking a test. Because it was so long. So I had a bunch of chicken fingers. And I just remember touching it. And I was like, oh, no. Because I just had grease everywhere. And I just kept trying to wipe it on myself.

And all I could hope was that maybe somebody would enjoy the smell of my paper over someone else's paper. So you just said they're going, oh, no. And they're like, shh, no talking. And I'm like, okay. Yeah, my test was remarkably clean. Yeah, as was mine, because I take things seriously. We're all in the same room, Marcus. Second time I took the test, I showed up late and stoned

and just filled in half of it without any regard for what the answer was. I like you, Marcus. The second time I took the test, I showed up late and stoned and just filled in half of it without any regard for what the answer was. I like you, Eddie. I should have been so fucking drunk. I was trashed for my ACT. I had to take it so seriously. I had to take my ACT so seriously. I did very well. I can't even joke about it. My parents wanted me to take it three times.

The first time, I got a thousand. I had to take it twice. The second time, they hired me. They hired a teacher for me so I could study. Then I got a 940 I had to take it twice. The second time they hired me, they hired a teacher for me, so I could study. Then I got a 940. Whoa. They're like, you got to take it again.

I'm like, I'm not taking a fucking test again. I'm not even going to go to college. You did worse the second time? I did worse the second time. How the hell? Hold on. Wait a second.

But how, Eddie? Eddie, how? I mean, like, how do you do worse the second time? You've already done it once. Well, it's different questions every time. Is it 800 retarded? No.

1,600 is the max at that time. 1,600 is the max, and I got 1,000, and then I got a 940. Oh, that's not horrible. 1,000 is average. Yeah, 1,000 is good. That's average? My theoretical physicist friend got a 1540. Jeez.

Oh, okay. So that's not that laughable, Eddie. I got 1,000, then I got a 940. I. Oh, okay. So that's not that laughable, Eddie. I got a thousand, then I got a 940. I can't read fast. So the English part was just trash. Sure. And it was just trash. I got great on science, but in math I did pretty good.

But the English part, I literally couldn't finish the story in time because I read like a fucking child. But you loved the story, though. You were enamored by it. I don't even remember what it was about. Yeah. Well, either way. That's the whole point of the test. You have to remember what it was about.

You have to remember what you read. You should have brought in a donut or chicken fingers like Jackie and I did, and then I think you would have focused. I think I was the complete opposite. I think I pretty much failed math but was near perfect on the reading part. Yeah, I got near perfect on reading, too. Yeah. I think I missed one question.

I thought the reading part. Yeah, I got near perfect on reading, too. Yeah. Yeah, I think I missed one question. Yeah. I thought the reading was so unbelievably easy. You just had to regurgitate what you just read. If you can't finish it in time, then how are you supposed to answer the questions? Yeah, if he's reading it, because he's going like, if it's the words book, he's like, ba-woop. Yeah. Ba-woop.

And that's the main character. He's like, that's the main character. Half-packed bong in my Buick out front. His mother's behind him fucking slapping him in the back of the head with telephone wire, you know. Eddie! Eddie! I'm up in heaven, Eddie! We know, Mom.

All right, next story. Well, yeah, so the teacher's going to be fine, right? Teacher's going to be fine. She's fine. Let's go to a local story. Let's do that. Teacher's going to be fine. She's fine.

Let's go to a local story. Let's do that. A Long Island man dubbed Birdman by neighbors was taken to the hospital and his home condemned after authorities found nearly 350 pigeons flying around inside. I love it. Inside. Inside. Yeah. You want to see a picture of the piles and piles of bird feces?

It must be feet. I can't see the shit. Where'd the shit at? I can't see that shit. I can't see the shit. Where'd the shit at? I can't see that shit. I can't see the shit, Marcus. The whole floor is covered in pigeon shit. I gotta say, I mean, Mike Tyson loved a pigeon. Yeah, but they flew.

Well, they can still fly around the house. Not inside of the house. I love the pigeon dancers. I miss them. What the hell is the pigeon dancer? The pigeon dancers. When they them. What the hell is the pigeon dancer? The pigeon dancers. When they swirl, they swirl together. Someone's teaching them how to fly, and they're the pigeon dancers.

Jackie used to have them on her old roof in Bushwick. Oh, my God. Every day, you watch it at 4.30, the pigeon dancers would come out, and they would perform. Are they people or smiles? You're turning into an old black woman. It's a dude who directs the pigeons how to fly in circles and loops. And they follow the dude? Bushwick is full of them.

I've never seen this. Yeah, Mike Tyson is famous for it. I know about that, but I haven't seen a woman. Well, you know. Mostly boxing. I thought it was the ear thing that was the big thing. Oh, right. He's done a lot of things.

What a life. I love a pigeon. You got a one-man show on Broadway out of it. Yeah. Yes, and an adult swim show. So, yeah, the pigeon, they orchestrate the pigeon. Yeah, they danced. It was so beautiful because they would swirl up like a tornado around each other,

and then they had different dance tribes, and they would go out like mimic each other while dancing and swooping together. Yeah. And it's an old Hispanic man with a garbage bag on a stick directing them. Or a woman sometimes. Doubt it. Or a woman on a stick.

A woman can't do something like that. A woman can't do something like that. No way. There's no way. I'm glad you know. No, there's no way. I'm like, fuck these birds. I'm sorry, Bird Looper.

So how long was he living with the birds in his house? Police and the SPCA said they found hundreds of pigeons flying freely inside the house. It took nearly four hours to capture all the birds. A man in his 70s lived there. He was taken to the hospital in a protective suit that's used for hazardous materials. Hazmat teams wore full body suits and oxygen masks to protect themselves from the fumes. Officials said the homeowner also used an oxygen mask while living inside.

The pigeons were allowed to roam and fly around as they pleased. Rogers said it was the first time he's seen a house become a pigeon coop. Can't this guy just live how he wants to live? He wants to be surrounded by pigeons. He's got the oxygen mask. He's 70. He's going to die at some point anyway. The birds seem to be fine. I guarantee they could escape. I think this dude did

nothing wrong. They got a whole community there, man. That was a brutal irony in that sentence you said. They said the pigeons were flying freely yet they captured them. And this is justice? Right. That is true. You know what? You're right. And the pigeons are all going to go be killed. They don't care about these pigeons. No, the pigeons

will be placed with people who can care for them, such as the pigeon dancer. No, that's a total lie. They're going to go to some sort of shelter somewhere. No one's collecting pigeons other than this dude. No, they're going to gas the fuck out of those pigeons. They're gassing the pigeons. This dude loved those pigeons. Yeah, this is the

house right here. They've got to leave this guy alone. Is this in the city or is it out in the city? He went to the hospital. This is Long Island. They found out because he called the cops on himself, basically, right? He called the police on himself? Actually, I don't know how cops found him. I think someone ratted him out because he's the weird pigeon guy.

He's sort of a home alone type character. I'm sure he was kind of creepy. But if you want to die and if you want to live with pigeons and die with pigeons, you should be allowed to. I think it's fine. I mean, the guy knew how to live. It's not good for the birds. It's animal cruelty. The birds are totally fine. And they're also dumb.

Let's put it together, guys. Pigeons are dumb. Are we putting it together? We're putting it together. I think we need to put it together. Pigeons are dumb. Well, Bird L together? We're putting it together. I think we need to put it together. Pigeons are dumb. Well, Bird Luger, you're the only definitive voice on something like this. Yeah, I would say actually pigeons are rather smart.

No. Have you ever seen a pigeon take an SAT test? Oh my god, I forgot about that one pigeon. That one pigeon with the glasses that he wore. Yeah, you were just talking about how you see pigeons take, you know. Yeah, but they were just taking, yeah, but they're just following orders from each other. Uh-oh.

I got more information on this guy. He sounds like such a sweetheart. His name was Greg. It says, one of the neighbors said, after a period of 22 years, Greg had a fetish of harboring pigeons and birds, but other than that, he was harmless. He was a gentleman.

Whenever a bird was hurt, we would bring it to him because he was known as the bird helper. That's it. Why the hell is Greg being demonized right now? Why did he use the word fetish? I've only found one hurt bird my whole life. How many times?

Who's hurting the birds? There's a lot of hurt birds around. Oh man, kids will throw rocks at birds. That's the thing. The ones over in Bedside, they've been smoking that synthetic weed. Yeah. You've seen pigeons just laying out, squawking crazy.

That's because they're hitting that weird funky grass. What is it called? It's called, like, Snatch, right? Snatchy, yeah. Oh, that's right, the Snatchy. Yeah. So now, what is the state going to do with this guy? They're going to condemn the home.

Filthy Snatchy. Hello, sir. Can I have some Filthy Snatchy? What's the name of that place? Big Daddy's or whatever? Yeah, I think it's Big Daddy. Big Daddy's and the Snatchys. If you want to go see some zombies, go to Bushwick Big Daddy's.

What is that stuff actually called? Spice. Spice. Spice. Spice. Spice, yeah. Go chill over there for a little bit if you can bear it. The Myrtle Broadway stop.

Big Boy. Big Boy. Big Boy, yeah. I was going to say, Big Boy, I walked by today. It's a wonderful it. The Myrtle Broadway stop. Big boy. Big boy. Big boy. Yeah, I was going to say. Yeah, big boy. I walked by it today. It's a wonderful place. The restaurant?

It's always insane in there every time I go in there. It's the only bodega with a chandelier. You hit nuts spice? No, it's a- Guys try spice? It has spice in it. No, I've never- Oh, Lord. We just recorded our album half a block away from here.

Yeah, and I've seen several people lying on the ground. They're always laying down. I think I'd rather do crack. I'd rather smoke crack than... Yeah, you know what you're getting with crack. You don't know what you're getting with spice. A fun, long night ahead of you. Yeah, all the time. Synthetic weed, man.

I saw some woman walking down the street in Ridgewood one time in the middle of the street. I could tell she was just on this shit. A car stopped in front of her. She just started punching its fucking hood. Did she win? That kind of sounds awesome. Yeah, I kind of want to do some Spice now.

Yeah, maybe we should get some fucking Spice. We had the Four Local episode. I'm saying Spice episode. We had that episode five years ago. We're going to tear this place apart. I can't run a soundboard while on Spice? You don't know that, man. Just believe in yourself. That is true.

Thank you, Kevin. I'm always here for you, babe. I know you are. So this guy's getting arrested. They're going to put him in a home. All the pigeons are dead and for what? For what? For what?

Nothing. For nothing. Bird helper just gone. Oh, I think it's horrific. It's ageism. But neighbors are helping to clean up the house. It also has no running water. But it had electricity. But they've But neighbors are helping to clean up the house. It also has no running water, but it had electricity,

but they've also shut down the electricity and condemned the house. Well, the guy needed some help. He was going to die in there. Those birds were going to eat him. When he died, the birds were going to eat him. I bet that's what he wanted. It's a great way to go. Sky burial. That's what they call it.

Consumed by what you love. Can you eat my birds? It's called sky burial? Yeah, the Tibetans do it. They'll die and then they'll put them on these kind of rocks, like kind of a side of a mountain. Yeah, and like vultures and things like that will come and eat them. It's called a sky burial. I want to do what the Native Americans used to do where they put you on a canoe and send you out to the river.

I think that's the Alaskans. That's the Eskimes. There's other Native Americans you gotta throw them on top of a mountain and point them east. Why would you do that? So they could be by the sun when it comes up. I don't know what the fuck their culture is about. You think I live

in a house? So Kevin, are you thinking about a sky burial now? Sky burial would be great, man. I think that's a beautiful way to go. You know, just, I'd die, I'd get the sky burial and I'd have my remains scattered across rooftops and car windshields all across America. See, I want to modify it, make it an up burial. All right, you dress me up like a big house, put me in a big fun house costume, tie a bunch of fucking balloons to my neck, you know, and then just blow it away.

Yeah. Why don't you do that anyway? Yeah, I'm kind of thinking You do that anyway. Yeah. I'm kind of thinking about doing it anyway for Halloween. Can you like incorporate a cute little Asian boy into that somehow? Of course. He's an Asian. Oh my God.

The one thing I have direct access to right now is a slew of Asian boys. I don't know what it is. Everyone's just like, do you want one? Do you want one? $12, $6. I got two people screaming at me different price points on Asian boys when when i walk out my fucking apartment they're going like wildfire these days yeah go for the middle number uh what would the uh the boy from up was an asian yes yes it was a fat boy from wisconsin no he was an asian boy scout are you saying there's no asians

in wisconsin there's a lot of mung out there. I know. They're great people. I just read an article about it. You talk about the Hmong all the time. I love the Hmong. Is the Hmong okay? Yeah. That's the race of the people. I'm fine with it. Mongolian.

Mungy, mungy, mungy, mungy. No, no, no. It's not Mongolian. It's actually spelled H-M-O-N-G. It's a Vietnamese thing. So can you say, like, those damn Hmongs? You can't say that. It's negative, though, but the name

mung, that's what they are. If you said it like that, it's like saying like Jews. Yeah, anytime you add those or that. You also said you gotta get rid of in front. Can you say... I mean, if you'd be like, all those blacks are presidents. That's fine. All those blacks are

stealing. That's bad. Can you say, I ran out of tissue paper and gym socks, so I munged in my hand? No, you cannot say that. You can't say that? It doesn't make any sense. I don't know. It makes sense to me. It made sense to me.

I followed his narrative completely. Sometimes you got a tzatziki all over your hand. I just don't understand. Munging. That doesn't make sense. Yeah. Straight munging. I munged on it. Oh, God. That doesn't make sense. Yeah. Straight mungin. I munged on it.

Oh, God, I munged in my pants. Isn't mung when you come into a dead man and then eat it? You're right. Is that mung? No, it's not. It's close, though. No, it's not. Is it called a hung jury?

Actually, a mung is a kind of bean. Oh, isn't that fun? Oh, no. It's a small, round, green bean, also known as the moong bean. So Jackie flicks her mung to Hustler. You used it in a sentence, and you have 1,000, Eddie. Good work. A mungin.

Or look up mung butter. Ew. I don't think so. That's where I draw the line. Mung butter really grosses me out. So what was your favorite spread so far other than the musicians? I think it definitely hands down the musicians one. Really.

Truly and honestly. Very fascinating. You got to get creative. Holden, you seem to be on your phone over there. You're really interested. One time I do it. One time. Just talk through it.

Interesting. I never do that. You look at your phone before, Kissel. Yeah, just talk through it. You have your phone on the table. We're not allowed to have our phone on the table. There's six people on this podcast. Well, it seems interesting that you were just on your phone.

You need to make me food. I love my hair. I think it looks good, man. I sleep with him. But, you know, it's not professional. What the fuck are you talking about, man? No, with the glasses and the hair, you look like you're going to start, oh, be poetry. Yeah, and you're wearing a t-shirt that says weed dyke on it.

Man, I tell you what, she's a great girl. Yeah, I got my own shirts now. What about me? Do I need to cut my hair? No, I like your hair. Thank you. My hair is short. I could run for office.

I could be in the military right now. You look like a radio producer, Marcus. Thank you. There you go. You look like a radio producer, Marcus. Thank you. There you go. You look like Jackson Brown. Oh, you wish. Yeah, I do look kind of like Jackson Brown. Oh, Jackson Brown be so horny.

All right, let's get the show back on track. Let's go to another song. Jackson White. Come on. No, Eddie. Get out of here. We're done with it. Get out of here.

All right, so let's do another news story. This It's not even a joke. We're done with it. Get out of here. All right. So let's do another news story. This person's fine with the pigeons. He's going to be okay. He'll be okay. He'll die in custody. Next up. Well, that's kind of sad.

A little sad, then. This is out of England, I think. Oh, okay. A man rang police to report that his former girlfriend had left their hamster, quote, looking like a fat little pig by overfeeding it. He rang 101 and explained to the operator that it was his pet,

but his ex-girlfriend wouldn't give it back to him, and she was overfeeding him. This is the 911 call. He said, I know it sounds daft, but it's my little hamster. I don't want to cause any trouble whatsoever. She'll not give us it back because she says I look after it

better than you, but it's ended up looking like a fat little pig. Not being disrespectful to the hamster, he was my pride and joy. I need him back now. He's only got a couple of years left in him because they only live so long and I love him. These British men have been beaten down for far too long. It's couple of years left in him because they only live so long and i love him these british men

these british men have been beaten down for far too long it's unbelievable this poor bastard oh no what are you talking about no this is just how the british always are no i think they need a little more confidence you think so i think so go get the damn hamster recon mission what is he gonna do break her window impossible yes watch me to do? Break her window. Watch Mission Impossible. Yes. Watch Mission Impossible. No, just hit the hamster. Break her window. Hold her down. Scream all the things you ever wanted to scream at her.

You don't even have to talk to her. She has to go to work at some point during the day. Call her a snail bitch. Just go. I don't know what a snail bitch would be. Moves too slow. Yeah, and her pussy hits the ground. And her pussy makes it slimy.

Just go grab the damn hamster. Yeah, snail bitch. Yeah, snail go grab the damn hamster Yeah snail bitch Yeah snail bitch You never heard of a snail bitch before Are you fucking Where were you born Fucking igloo in Alaska Yeah right

What are you Eskimo Yeah what are you an Eskimo What are you Mungi What are you gonna eat a moose You fucking asshole Get over you Mungi Mungi slut So I can fucking get your ass

I'm gonna split my Mungi So I can piss in your butt What are you dipshits talking about I wanna pee on Ben's butt and it's now my new life's mission to like do it. You lost me.

Bucket list. To pee on Ben's butt. Yes, to pee on it while he's asleep. That would require you to break into my apartment, have to pee while you're doing it.

Well, fascinating that it's an apartment I have keys to. No, the lock has been changed. The lock has been changed. It doesn't work. Yeah. Oh, so there's just no lock? No working. The lock has been changed? That doesn't work. Yeah.

Oh, so there's just no lock? No working lock on your first floor apartment? No, no, no. The lock works. It's called me. You want to fucking enter that goddamn place? That's right. I forgot he dresses, he wears a lock costume when he's home.

Holden, I think it should just be your new mission just to piss on Kissel's butt. Yeah, to piss on his rear end. I'd do it right now, but he's awake. I have to do it when he's asleep. It has to be when he's asleep because I feel like you could do it while he's awake. No, no, no. It's probably more exciting if he's awake. Well, no, because I want him to wake up and think he pissed his ass.

How does he piss his ass? Is it his naked butt that you need to piss on or can he be wearing his underwear? I'll be stripping him. I will be stripping just the lower part of him. I don't know if he should.

It's easy to burn the clothes off too. That's the thing, I'll light the clothes with the lighter. Because you're going to grab more to drink? Yes.

I'll have another please. I actually, I found a lock and key adult costume. There you go. So you dress like that. It's a guy. Oh, that man. It's a guy. There's, I guess the gigantic key is sort of a waistband.

There's a lock on one side, a handle on the other, and the woman is just wearing a weird onesie with a gigantic keyhole on it. I had an ex who showed me a picture of her and her boyfriend dressed up the year before, and it was a plug in an outlet. And I was just like, that's fucking, I'm like, that's offensive. I think I'm going to call it offensive. I don't know if you can call it offensive. I was. I'm's fucking... I'm like, that's offensive. I think I'm going to call it offensive. Defensive? That's all you got to do. I don't know if you can call it offensive.

I was. I'm trying to understand. Why? Because they fucking. Yeah. Because they be fucking. Yeah, but I'd rather just scream, he fucks me, and that'll be my Halloween costume. Right.

Now, how badly did she destroy you when she left you? Pretty, pretty, it was pretty bad. Oh, word. I'm just glad we're finally talking about it on here. Who's destroyed us the most? Who's been more destroyed by a woman or man leaving us? I don't know if I, you know, from a relationship necessarily, but I will say one of the darkest moments of my life was in middle school.

There was this girl I was in love with for all of middle school, and at eighth grade I was like, you know, you're afraid to talk during class. One day it was after school, like an hour after school. I had one of those, by the way. And she was sitting at the top of the steps. I was like, this is my moment, man. I'm about to say what's up to this girl. Our lives are going to be changed forever.

And I walked up, and all I said was, hey. And she said, why the fuck you talking to me, little beady-eyed motherfucker? Get the fuck away from me. And I walked away. God, I wish I did that to every person. Oh, my God, that is brutal. But also, while he's away, hands down, Kissel. Let's throw that out there. Destroyed by a woman the most.

Oh, yeah. I don't know. We have actual documentation of your descent into a horror town. That's true. Yeah, but I got him back. She got him back. So I think if he was gone for good, we could argue that,

but he came back. And boy, did he come. No, he didn't. And Jackie's was a self-destruction. Technically, she was destroyed by a woman more than any of us because she destroyed herself. I destroyed myself, yeah,

because I did the whole thing. Whoa. Cerebral. Very cerebral. Very cerebral. That's fun. There you go. Very cerebral. Very cerebral. That's fun. Yeah. Well, there you go.

I'm glad we had this talk. A woman destroyed my spirit over a period of three years. No. That's right. Very much so. It was definitely, yeah, it was insidious at best. Yeah, it was a slow, insidious destruction. Yes.

Absolutely. Also documented. Also documented. Also documented. Very well documented. Very well documented. Kevin, you just got dumped. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also documented. Also documented. Also documented. Very well documented. Very well documented. Kevin, you just got dumped. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, again? No, it was like four months ago. Oh, okay, the same. You were dumped? I thought you broke up with her. Well, it's technicality. He's still allowed to be destroyed. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can't say, yeah, probably during that, it was also kind of a slow descent into neuroses and madness. I'm not meant to be with a chick, you know? I'm supposed to be out there bobbing and weaving. That's what Luga does, baby. Jesus, Ben. Oh, my God. He really got me another drink.

Yeah, he got another drink. That was pretty fast. It took a long time, I thought, but that's fine. Well, that was really nice. I need everyone to know because he got me another drink. There's some Roundtable fans out there as well. I was going to welcome them in, but I figured we'll wait until after the show. Fuck them.

Oh, come on. I know. We're going to fuck them. Oh, yeah. Suzuki. Suzuki. It's seven dudes. All right.

Time for a segment from Old McNeely. Oh, no. Segment. I want the whole thing. Yeah, get it. Take it, baby. Take it, get it, eat it, hurt it. What the hell? I feel weird today, guys. What's wrong? No, in a good way.

I mean, I think in a good way. It's that weird round table combination hangover. I ate a bunch of burritos. I'm, you know, it's that, it's that weird round table combination, uh, hangover. I ate a bunch of, uh, uh, cheese omelet and, um, French toast. I had to cover the minimum to get the delivery. So I had French toast, bacon, a cheddar bacon omelet, a muffin and, um, uh, hash or minimum. Dude, it costs $145. The minimum was $10. I love diners, man. hash what was the minimum dude it cost $345

the minimum was $10 I love diners man I forgot how great diners are it was the minimum was $10 that was $15 yeah that's what I love

about Queens is that you can just order from diners like there's like 10 diners that you can order from there's one right around the corner I got

delivery from and I mean it was insane I ordered an entire other meal to reach the minimum and I still had to order a muffin yeah I'm hungry yeah you didn't have to eat it all at once no well I had a little you know I had a fun little fun

run with it so anyways today it's it's it's homecoming right guys last week was prom this week was homecoming just scraping the bottom of the barrel this time with segments. Yeah. It's homecoming in Marcus's hometown of Rochester, Texas. Texas. And everybody loves it. So you have to come up with a homecoming float specifically for Rochester. They're going to vote for the best float at the end.

So mine is rootin', tooting, gun Booting the Jews Right? So there'll be a Jewish man On the float and everybody will be dancing around With guns like is it gonna Do it? Are we gonna gonna do it? You know they never kill the Jews because it's a non-violent Parade. They did kill the Jews though It's kind of fun. We didn't kill the Jews

Texans didn't kill the Jews We are largely indifferent to them Fine, a Mexican. You just don't believe they exist. That's the thing. It'll be see the Jew. Okay, never mind. It's just come see the Jew.

It'll be a Jewish man in a glass case, and everybody from the town can go walk up to him. And it'll be the rubber glove thing coming out of the glass case. You can shake hands with a Jew for the first time. And they make a move to Austin. Exactly. That is where they are. The float travels straight from center of town straight to Austin. The float goes all the way and visits all the towns. It's a wonderful float.

An eight-hour drive. Eight-hour, 12-hour float ride. Yeah, yeah. Try to drive a float more than 15 miles an hour. See where that gets you. See where that fucking gets your whole ass. All right? But it'll be like The Popemobile

No one And that's the thing So everybody If people are violent And they do want to Shoot at it It will just Ding right off

Which is kind of fun The Pope wears a yarmulke Wow The Pope It's not a yarmulke Eddie It's a tiny little hat On his head with no brim What are you going to call it

It's a Catholic do-wicky Oh okay I'm sorry It's a do-wicky Yeah Kevin I challenge you To beat me Okay Catholic do-wicky. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Yeah. Kevin, I challenge you to beat me. Okay.

So, well, you know, my float is going to be called the bow, bow, bow. And it's driven by Waka Flocka, DJed by DJ Who Kid. And on this float, you know, everybody who's in the proximity of the float will be given a BB gun. And I will be on the float tied to a wooden post. What you're supposed to do. Wait, like Jesus? No, no, just a post, not a cross. Like a Joan of Arc kind of thing. And so everyone who has these BB guns is you're supposed to shoot at me.

And you shoot at me until I either die or pass out. Now, the twist is the person who fires the last bullet that renders me unconscious has to guess whether or not I died or passed out. And if you get it right, you win a free copy of Waka's next mixtape. So you are going to go to a small town in Texas. Yes. are going to go to a small town in Texas, as a black man, tie yourself to a post and ask a bunch of white people to shoot at you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're just going to be like, this is some kind of shit up. Well, whatever it is, it's a hell of a parade.

Let's see. For me, I'm gonna say Tie a wick Take a wick Put it into the old gas can there Long wick Light it on fire And people jump on and jump off the

The old pickup truck there And whoever ends up On it last Dies Kissel that's a fucking great idea Actually I think people would be way down for that background. That's a really good idea in general. They're looking for all kinds of ways to die.

Yep. So that's kind of a fun one. I am fucking shocked right now. I am blown away right now. It's not actually a good idea. It is a great idea. It's a good idea. What are we calling it, though?

What are we going to call the truck? Yeah. Jump, jump, boom. Blammo chicken. Well, I was going to go with human meat come find us. We'll call it the steer sizzler. Yeah. Because that way it's like in theme with like the high school mascot.

Is it a steer? Steer. And it's a car, so you got to steer it. Human meat parade. The human meat parade. Human meat parade. All right. I kind of like that.

Jackie, a homecoming float for the world. We call it Welcome to the Zoo. And what you do is you have a bunch of... Oh, wait. The truck also goes over small nipples. It goes over small nipples? Speed bumps. So you set up nipples on the road ahead of time.

Wait, you had us, Ben. You had us. Why did you change it? Why would you amend the idea? For the record, he never had me. He never had Ed, but he had the rest of us. I literally said it was a great idea. Why would you?

What was the reasoning for what you did, man? I don't know, Kevin. Jackie? Welcome to the zoo. It's. Jackie? Welcome to the zoo. It's going to be welcome to the zoo. Basically, it's going to be a bunch of, you're going to have a puma, you're going to have a tiger, you're going to have a big ape,

you're going to have a lion. They're all going to be tied down uncomfortably. A single float. On one float. They're going to be tied down, and they're not going to be able to move, and they're all going to be very upset. But also, amongst them is going to be tied down and they're not going to be able to move and they're all going to be very upset. But also amongst them is going to be one naked woman who is also strapped among them. But the animals understand that she is also under under duress. So there's going to be like the head of like the head of the zoo who's running it, who is a man that looks like like Colonel Sanders.

And he's yelling at the animals and people are throwing shit at the animals. But in the end, they're like, let go of the woman because of course they're going to let go. But what she's going to do is she's going to let all the animals go and then all the animals are going to go and maul everyone in the audience. Only like 10 people show up for this parade. So they're going to be dead.

Cup size on the woman. I'm going to say E. What? It's gonna be like too much Oh yeah it's a cup Get hustler Get the hustles But they understand that they're not gonna Attack her because they know that she was also

Of course How do you feel right now Marcus? Tired No about the parade Are all these floats in the parade right now, Marcus? Tired. No, about the parade. Are all of these floats in the parade right now? Yeah. Okay, cool.

Yeah, I mean, so far it's a pretty good parade. I feel like they did. I mean, I thought there was a clear winner until the nipples amendment, so we'll see where that goes. That was a fun kind of a speed bump. That was kind of a brutal. Not human nipples, but brutal change. It sounded like you meant human nipples. Yeah, and that means all the floats are riding over the nipples.

Yeah, who calls speed bumps nipples? What the fuck are you talking about? Keep it slow, keep it fun. I regret everything I've ever said. Eddie. Yeah. You are garbage. You are awful.

What is your float idea? My idea, I feel bad because it's a little close to Kevin's, but I'm sick of people taking part of my idea and me not saying my You want to go the opposite way around? Was shooting a black man, yeah, mine's very similar Well, I was shooting at it Give give time let him explain himself shooting to well you can't rootin tootin shooting. Well, mine was shooting at a Jewish man. No, wait, wait. Give him time. Let him explain himself. Oh, yours is shooting too.

Well, you can't root and toot and shoot and yeah. Oh, okay. Well, mine's going to be, we're going to put him in a Cadillac convertible. Who is we? Who? What type of man? Who goes in the convertible? Well, it's not going to be a real person because I don't want to actually kill anybody.

Okay. But what we're going to do is we're going to get, you know when you're at the carnival and the balloon inflates and then you got to shoot it or whatever? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The clown. And so we're going to get one that has like, you know, once you shoot it the carnival and like you know the balloon inflates and then you gotta shoot it or whatever yeah the clown so we're gonna get one that has like you know once you shoot it it pops and blood comes out and then you know it re it comes back up so you can shoot it again and what we're gonna do it's like a history lesson like a texas history lesson and basically it's kennedy you know so you're gonna be able to shoot the catholic a bunch of times and his wife's gonna you know try to get on the try to get on get on the hood and scoop up his brains or whatever. There'll be someone playing Jackie Kennedy, which is probably... We'll have to put a

little extra guarding on her, because people are going to try and shoot her, too. Thank you. So yeah, basically, we'll put a bunch of people. We'll make a bunch of gnolls. Anyone just like Jackie Kennedy. We'll make a bunch of grassy gnolls, and you can just stay up there, and you can shoot Kennedy's head off. There are no hills. It is extremely flat, and there is no grass. I said we'll make hills. I said we'll make a bunch of grassy knolls, and you can just stay up there, and you can shoot Kennedy's head off. There are no hills.

It is extremely flat, and there is no grass. I said we'll make hills. I said we'll make them. We'll bring in the sod. Well, you don't even need it. We do turf. Yeah. And also, you know, some people do say that I am a fashion icon the way Jackie Kennedy was.

Who says that? You got bad sunglasses. I know that much. They are Ray-Bans, and they are beautiful. Are there nipples on the ground that you roll over? No. Good. Thank you.

Well, if there's one thing Texans love, it's Texas history. So I think that we're going to have to go with JFK. Wait, I thought he was killed in Washington, D.C. What? No, that's just where they lost his brain. No, Jackie. Jackie. Jackie, do you really think that JFK was killed in-

Was he the president of the United States? At one point for a little while, first Catholic, last Catholic as a matter of fact. Yeah, yeah. And we ain't got no Catholics on my part of Texas. Yeah. I know. That's what I was going to say. They hate Jews and they hate blacks.

Indifferent. Because they fucking hate Catholics. Nah, indifferent. Really? To Catholics? Oh, yeah. They never think about it. Really?

Wait, what are the Bushes then? Protestants. Baptists. Presbyterian. Same thing? Horrible people. All right, that's the roundtable of gentlemen. How fun.

Is there anything to plug? Jackie, you look like you want to die. I really didn't know that he was killed in Texas. You do not know the JFK. I know that. What do you mean? That is one of the watershed moments of American history. I never learned American history.

I learned a lot about Russian history and a lot about dictatorship. Are you drunk? Hold on. No. Jackie, are you just drunk or did you not know that JFK was killed in Dallas? No, I actually didn't know that. You should watch JFK. It's really good.

JFK is not accurate whatsoever other than the fact that he was killed in Dallas. You should watch Pulp Fiction, too. Oh, yeah. Is the JFK assassination in that? No, not at all. It's just a sick-ass good movie. I can speak for that. Kennedy was killed in Washington.

I honestly never even thought about where he was killed before. Bridge over the River Kwai rolls. Yeah, it's a great movie. Eddie, do you want to plug anything? Yeah, there's a whole whistling scene. Bridge on the River Kauai. Not JFK. Nobody cares!

What is his name? Alec McGinnis. McGinnis. Alec Guinness, yeah. Obi-Wan Kenobi. He was in Bridge over the River Kauai. Are we just trying to get away from the fact that Jackie didn't know Kennedy was shot in Dallas? You didn't know David Lean directed Bridge Over the River Kauai?

That's true. I am learning so much on this podcast. Pull her pants out and you pee in her direction. Don't pee on my ass. Pee on Kissel's ass. No one's peeing on anyone's butts. Let's go fuck these fans. What is wrong with you people?

Let's fuck these fans. Let's get them. All right. No, Eddie had something to plug, Marcus. Oh, yeah. Watch Jeff Ross Rose Cops. Download it on iTunes. It's real cheap. All right. No, Eddie had something to plug, Marcus. Oh, yeah. Watch Jeff Ross roast cops. Download it on iTunes. It's real cheap.

$0.399. Please. And the Rob Lowe roast. Yeah, that's fine. I don't care about that. Oh, no, no, no. But download the one that I care about, which is the cop special. Let's get down to it.

Wizard and the Bruiser on CCR these days. What are your numbers at, Holden? Big numbers. We're doing about a 2.9 on the Guyver scale. By big numbers, he means he actually took a number two

that's just six feet tall. Woo! And went up above the toilet. And what else? Fucking, you know, honestly, too, if you're going to get

into a whole Tarantino hole, like Reservoir Dogs, pretty fucking... That's a really good movie with him when he's like putting all the gas on him And they're playing the Steelers wheels on him Sounds like Mr. Shit

Go see Don't Breathe at the movies That movie's fucking awesome Don't Breathe is great Did you see it yet? I can't even get into it yet I'm waiting for page 7 But other people, you wanna go see a fucking good movie? Do yourself a favor

Said you would cry the whole time It's got What's his name Plymouth Molly Shannon and Jesse Plymouth Jesse Plymouth From Friday Night Lights It's my dog

Oh yeah Don't worry Marcus Fucking watch Friday Night Lights Listen to page 7 this week Because we will talk about it At length Do yourself a favor And watch Friday Night Lights too

Do yourself a favor And watch it You should watch it And Glorious Bastards That's my favorite Tarantino movie Glorious Bastards Why the should watch it. And Glorious Bastards. That's my favorite Tarantino movie. Why the fuck? Yeah, I know. And Glorious Bastards.

Yeah. If you give me one to pick, I'm going to pick that one. Which one would you have sex with? Kill Bill. Kill Bill was the first radar movie I saw in theaters by myself. What? How young are you? I was 17 when I came.

I had just turned 17. Actually, Pulp Fiction is the first R-rated movie I saw in the theaters. I was like 11. Kissel, if you were really horny and you had to have sex with a Quentin Tarantino movie, which one would it be? I'm going to go with Jackie Brown, personally.

Is it because of my name? Yeah, you like butt stuff? Pick Jackie Brown. No, I don't think that that's the thing. There's more butt stuff in Pulp Fiction. It doesn't even matter. Reservoir dogs. I love dogs.

True romance. Huh? True romance. What is it? I'm not counting that at all. That counts? No, you can't. You put that in there.

You might as well put From Dusk Till Dawn in there. I'll put From Dusk Till Dawn in there. I'm calling it what are you gonna call it Jackie's the best yeah fuck you guys what does a gay horse eat see you guys at the Waka Flocka show

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