The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 301: Dick Math

Episode Date: September 27, 2016

In this backwards episode, the gang talks about tattoos they might want, Holden describes why he is a terrible person to break up with, and some interesting penis-related mathematical equations are conducted.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Ladies and gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

Alright, we're good to go. This is the episode. gentlemen. Always civility. Alright, we're good to go. This is the episode. It's beginning, it's the middle, and it's done. That's been it. The whole thing is over. It's like Merlin. It's an episode that happens backwards. Okay, let's start with a segment from Holden McNeely. Alright.

Karate styles. What are we doing? Okay, you gotta do a karate style. Okay. Okay, I will begin. Wait, we doing? Okay. You got to do a karate style. Oh, okay. Okay. I will begin. We're actually doing it. Yeah, we're going backwards.

We're doing a backwards episode today. Okay. So what's your karate style? It's like, you know, dancing dragon or kissing dragon or hard as nails dragon. Dragon. Right? So whatever your own personal one is, right? Mine is Angry Nelly. Okay. right so whatever your own personal one is right mine is um uh angry nelly right okay so you're

like a rapper right you know that's kind of over the hill sort of hasn't been doing much but i had a big thing on with vitamin water so you throw vitamin waters at your opponent right hurt them in various ways with vitamin water and then if they're about to pin you, you get to claim bankruptcy and get out of it. All right. Very good. Angry Nelly. Yeah. Angry Nelly. Mine, I guess, is going to be called Shoryo Luger. And it's you would assume it involves a gun or some type of bird situation. But really, it's just breakdance. It's just breakdancing until you bond together and become friends when you share, share, you know, kinship about the moves. Because, you know, breakdancing helps the young youth in the hood stay out of trouble. I agree.

What's the segment? Your own ninja style. No, karate. Karate. Karate style. What's the drunken one? Crane, drunken master. They're all drunk there.

I would like to do something called, oh, I don't know. I know you don't know Ben that's what always happens Yes I know What is it just name an animal And a movement and you're fine I would do the armadillo leopard Okay What consists of that

Okay so you and me I've got my gi on We're in the dojo you come in late Probably you're a little I'm always here early So then what do you do I've got my gi on. We're in the dojo. You come in late, probably. You're a little inebriated. I'm always here early. But so then what do you do? What do you do with that move? Go to the vending machine, get a bunch of Fritos, put them on the floor.

You're a fucking fat bitch. You eat them. I can't argue with that. Oh, that's a good one. I can't argue with that. That's the armadillo leopard. Armadillo leopard. Mine's going to be called Hell's Bells. Basically

I'm going to use ACDC as a way to come in because they don't fucking get it. Japanese don't understand what ACDC is or what hair bands are. So they come out and they're just like and they go, oh no, it hurts my ears. And it's just a bunch of you keep throwing that hardcore class around. Back in black.

Back in black. And they just get so disoriented that they leave you alone. All right. All right, Marcus. Actually, I think I'm going to go with the armadillo leopard. It's a good one. Whenever we do it. It's a really good one.

If we do this segment up top, I'll win every time. I hate the segment up top. It was honestly a great one, man do it It's a really good one If we do this segment up top I'll win every time I hate the segment up top It was honestly a great one man Great name Great style I'm not drunk enough To do this segment at this point Well

On Twitch You can Jackie At Jack the Worm We're not doing the introductions We're going to a new store The intros will come at the end This isn't intros

This is the The intros This is the close. At Jack the Worm on Insta. No, Jack that Worm on Insta, I think, right? It's Jack the Worm or Jack that Worm. I have Twitter as one. Instagram is the other one.

I don't remember which one's which. Any shows coming up, Gavin? Well, hey, man. This is my last episode for a while. I mean, until when I come back in town, man. Bert Luger's out flying away to the West Coast. So, goodbye, everybody. Roundtable is cancelled.

You can find me on Twitter at Ben Kissel and on Instagram at BenKissel1. Still don't know how to use Instagram, so don't bother finding me there. Thank you much, everybody. Have a good night. Are you closing it out? Yeah. No, we got one more news story, everybody. Yeah, we got one more news story.

Marcus? What the hell? That's not even how the show... Why are you... Because we did the final segment, and then we did the... Plugs? The plugs. Do you want to host it?

Now we're going before. No, now we're going... This is actually good. Let's slowly transition to hold and hosting this entire show. I would love not to be here. You have to do the segment if I'm hosting the show. Also, technically, we did the goodbyes after the segment, which means they should have came before the segment,

which means we got to do another segment, a.k.a. Kissel's win is forfeit. No, that's horseshit. I want it. Let's do a story from our show. All right, leave it alone. Beamed roller coasters. We're not doing beamed roller coasters.

We already did the damn segment. See, that's a better segment. I like that segment. Mine's the Boo-Berry. Alright, we're not doing them. God damn another segment. Very racist. I don't know why. Alright, that's fine. I won the segment. Alright, one more news story? Let's do a news story.

Police say a Pennsylvania drug suspect was all wet when he urinated in his pants in the hope that it would dissolve the heroin and cocaine in his pockets. The Scranton. It's never going to work. That's actually thinking on his feet. Thinking on his feet, but they're in plastic baggies. Yeah, he has a horrible understanding of science.

The Scranton Times Tribune says 42-year-old Wesley Autry sold heroin Tuesday during an undercover sting in Scranton. When police tried to arrest him afterward, they say he struggled and had to be subdued with a stun gun. Police say Autry then began urinating in his pants in an attempt to dissolve the drugs. Police say he was unsuccessful, and they found five small bags of heroin, four small bags of cocaine, and $3,000 in cash. Jesus, that's a great, that guy's a whole, he's a bank. Yeah, man. I love it. He's the guy to rob.

I don't understand. Did he piss up? No, he tried to piss in his pockets. Yeah, his pockets. Can you guys piss in your pockets? Yeah, you can move your dick in a way that it points at your pocket. It would get the money wet, though, too, right? Yeah.

I mean, you can drive the money. I guess so. A little pissy money? Yeah. I mean, you can drive the money. I guess so. Yeah. A little pissy money. Yeah. All money is covered in piss. And that's why you got to wash your hands. Barnett had an interesting interaction with shit earlier.

Y'all know who this dude was, man. What happened? Hey, I'm fucking going. I'm waiting in line for the bathroom for a while. Some of my workers in there, you know, taking his time, doing his thing. I don't hear the sound of the flush or the sound of somebody washing their hands. I thought it was interesting by me. Maybe this guy's doing drugs.

It's Sunday. That's fine. Yeah. He comes out. He nods at me like it's all good. And the toilet's full of shit. Oh, yeah. Full of shit.

Toilet paper. He made no attempt to flush it once. How much shit are we talking here? Well, it was like slices of shit. Like the guy. Pepperoni. attempt to flush it once. How much shit are we talking here? It was like slices of shit. Pepperoni. Pepperoni or like a sausage when it's like splayed open and grilled. Maybe sausage splayed open.

Little slices of it. And maybe the guy wanted me to see his struggle. That's why he nodded. He was like, I need help. He wanted it to be seen, but I was very upset about it. Maybe it's a sexual fetish. Is there a sexual fetish where you want someone to see your dookie? Please don't look it up, Marcus.

Don't look it up, Marcus. Please don't look it up, Marcus. Well, you made him look it up. Yeah, but now he's definitely going to look it up. As soon as you say not to look it up, he will look it up. Yeah, but it sucks I'm the only person on this side of the table today because Ed's gone. I got so much room. I got my lounge chair going on over here.

I mean, well, I mean, it's probably an offshoot of coprophilia. That's just somebody who gains sexual satisfaction from feces, so it would be a kind of coprophilia. Such as Adolf Hitler, for example. Adolf Hitler was rumored to be a coprophiliac. I did find, I read

a really interesting story today. Turns out that all of Nazi Germany was fueled by crystal meth. And that would play perfectly into Hitler's plan. As soon as you take meth, you gotta dump it. I thought it was speed. I know they were, I guess maybe... It's crystal meth.

How so? It's not crystal meth, but it is methamphetamines. That's how they were able to take France was because they were able to fight for three days without sleeping at all. So that's how they were able to fight for three days without sleeping at all. That's how they were able to come in and fuck everybody up. All around Germany, they actually had these little chocolates that were huge sellers

that had meth in them. They just gave all their soldiers meth tablets. Everybody in the country was all on meth all the time. That's the whole push for the Nazis. They were all fueled by meth. It makes sense. If you look how tight and clean their outfits were on a regular basis,

they were very focused, crystal knocked. I mean, you know, you can just think about meth there. That's insane. You love speed? You're kind of into it? I've never touched speed. I never would do it. It's in your bones.

It's in your jeans. No, I hate chocolate too. Your grandfather could have been a speed method. He was not a method. He was a very successful person during a time that was difficult for him to survive during. Well, you know, I mean, that's what might have fueled his success. Yeah. The secret gateway to success, I've heard, is cocaine.

Yeah. And a lot of people said that they would work for like five days straight taking these little tablets. But what happened is the Allies bombed the speed factories, and that's what began the decline of the nazis and the war on drugs and i think that's the major problem yeah think about it interesting though i do i mean that is horrifying the idea of being uh accosted by a person with a huge military rifle who you know for a fact is on more drugs than you are yeah scary stuff and the nazis weren't afraid anything. They'd go in with the guns a-blazing because they were all hopped up on meth. Yeah.

And their bullets would talk to them. Great strategy. Yeah. It's like what was that? Two-framed Roger Rabbit. The talking bullets. I think they were all Mexican now that I think about it. No, there was just one that was Mexican. There was a Mexican, there was an Indian, then there was Gar, Shady, it sure is

good to see you. That was the best one. It's just like, you know, say what you will about Hitler, but the man was no stranger to innovation. Definitely not. Drugged up army. So this story now, the person, they didn't get away from peeping on

their drugs and all their money. They took the urine-covered cash, which I guess is good. You know the cops are taking the money. At least have them be forced to cover it in piss so they're upset about it. I agree with that. If it wasn't in bags, would the piss dissolve it? No.

Never. Yeah, but it's so acidic. I think it's just that people would be like, oh, he pissed his pants. Don't touch him. Is that maybe what it would have been? I don't know. I think they're going to go for him anyway. Well, because they already tried. He was selling the heroin to the undercover police officer. So he was already caught. So why piss yourself?

I guess destroy the evidence. Because once you go to court, you know, they don't have the evidence. Or he was trying to plead retarded. You know what I'm saying? I've heard of that. One of those defenses. I think that's insane. Mentally insane. Oh, insane. Gotcha. The cop sounds like a Nazi trying to get all those defenses. I think that's insane. Mentally insane. Oh, insane. Gotcha. The cop sounds like a Nazi

trying to get all those drugs. I mean, I don't think he was trying to get the drugs for himself. Well, I think he was probably going to use them. The cops should be forced to do heroin every single day. No police shootings then. Why?

Relax. Heroin relaxes the bones. It does. It relaxes the bones. That's what heroin does. Kurt Cobain wasn't singing punk. He wasn't doing metal. He was chilled out wearing a sweater vest being sad.

So you mean the bones get all bendy like Stretch Armstrong? You become a rubber boy? Or like a rat so you can fit underneath the door. Or a rat that can fit underneath the door. Yeah. The rats are on it, heroin.

Yeah. All the little baggies they're eating. Are you going through something? No. Take the blazer off. Maybe you're just hot.

I am hot. Yeah, it's actually warm in this room and I'm wearing a t-shirt, man. Yeah. I'm hot. What the hell do you want from me? Why do you need to wear the blazer? I'm wearing a t-shirt. I'm hot! What the hell do you want from me?

Why do you need to wear the blazer? I'm just wearing the damn thing. It's not on film. This is a podcast, man. Who cares? If I don't wear the blazer, then who am I? That's sad. This is sad. I feel like you're going to start pissing yourself

so it won't go through your pockets to find out what you got on you, man. I haven't got no drugs. Hell yeah. I know. He's been asking me for them. You got drugs? Maybe.

I got weed, man. I got a weed gummy sitting at home I'm excited about. It looks like a Grateful Dead dancing bear. Oh, that's original? Yeah. It's pretty fun. It's pretty fun. That's cool.

You going to watch a Pink Floyd documentary? Maybe. 100 milligrams, that thing is. I'm scared of it. If you take that whole thing, you will shit for a month. I will freak the fuck out if I take that whole thing. I'm pretty excited. Are you gonna do it? Maybe. Watch some movies. Call some old girlfriends.

Sounds like a nightmare. What would you say to them? Super high. Hey, we're weird, aren't we? We've been weird for years. We've been weird for years. You know, stuff like that. All your ex-girlfriends hate you so much. It's so funny.

Oh, my God. The worst to break up with. I get all crazy. Like what? Like how crazy? What do you do? I get mean. I say mean stuff

Like I turn I am a fucking Five year old In a 33 year old Man's body Damn Maybe so

What would a child do When his candy's Taken away from him When his delicious Pussy flavored candy Is taken away from him Freaks out And says mean mad stuff

Just to be mean And mad So yeah It's been rough for me Been a bad decade. I thought I was the one going through something. What the hell happened here? I'm doing great.

Jackie's doing really good. She's a drinking problem. Jackie is a drinking problem? 100,000%. But you know what? I'm still smiling. That's good, Jackie. Thank you.

All right. You want a poo-poo story? I guess so. We've done a lot of poo-poo talk already. Yeah, it's been a bunch. Let's do a poo-poo story? I guess so. We've done a lot of poo-poo talk already. Yeah, it's been a bunch. Let's do more poo-poo talk. I'm ready for poo-poo talk. Jackie's ready. I'm ready for poo-poo talk now.

Thank you, Jackie. I'm a friend of poo-poo talk. Kevin doesn't want any. I don't like it. You have PTSD now. He had a bit of an issue. He had a traumatic experience. Let's go for more of it. Let's do some immersion therapy. Let's talk about it a bunch.

I thought we were going to put him in a vat of shit. I don't know. Immersion therapy just makes me think of me being dropped, lowered into a giant bowl filled with shit. Like a big metal barrel of it. Or like an iron lung with just shitty water inside of it. There is no need for all this. It is kind of it. Or like an iron lung with just shitty water inside of it. That is no need for all this. It is kind of insane.

You guys didn't grow up with religion, did you? Unitarian. That's not a religion. All religions I got. Everyone. You can meditate. You can sing Pocahontas' Colors of the Wind, which is what I did. I can give thanks to the Jewish

God. What did you thank him give thanks to the Jewish God. What did you thank him for? For all my money. You don't have any money. Do you know it's recorded, the show? Yes, of course. Poo-poo story. Poo-poo story. An Irish shop owner out of Dublin is hunting for a man who repeatedly defecates outside of his shop in Finglas.

Clever Buy's owner, Alan Buckley from Finglas, told The Independent that he didn't believe it until he saw the CCTV footage. He said, Someone keeps coming up and shitting outside the shop. It's very upsetting. You'd want to have your breakfast before you come in because you'll not eat again after looking at it. What a rational man.

I mean, it is strange that he was, like, looking at the huge pile of shoes and was like, wish I didn't have an empty stomach. Well, I'm sure I'm glad I ate breakfast this morning. Ooh, yeah. Yep, that guy says he pulls up in a car in the middle of the night, does his business, and then drives off.

I mean, is it illegal? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the guy went on his business, and then drives off. I mean, is it illegal? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy went on to say, he said, I haven't got a clue why he's doing it. He's doing it in the public area outside a row of shops. The first one was just horrible, the smell and all. You'd swear a horse did it. So this guy,

I mean, how many shops has he shat in front of? It's just that one guy's shop. Just the one guy. He definitely doesn't like him. Just the one guy's shop. He definitely doesn't like him. Has he thought about putting surveillance cameras up or anything like that? No, he did pull up surveillance cameras. That's why he knows how it was done, because he thought it was a horse shitting in front of his fucking shop. And then he put up cameras and found out that it was just a man.

And he doesn't know who he is? Doesn't know who he is at all. How big is this town? How can't you know who this guy is? I don't know, ma'am. Maybe he's a drifter. Maybe. I don't know how big Finglas is.

Finglas sounds like a fake land that Jackie made up during her sexual escapades. Bang is in the mouth. I think that I did have to ask my dishwasher to scrape human shit off of the front of the shop the other day at work. Who is shitting on all these buildings? It was weird, though, because you could see how the butt had pressed up against the side of the building. And then the shit just dripped down the side of the building. So he got shit on his ass. Or she.

Don't want to be sexist. Yeah, please. Come on. It could have been anybody. Maybe she put it on her tits. Yeah, she probably put it all over her tits. I don't know what to say anymore. And then she probably rubbed her tits in the flowers.

She goes, shitty flowers, shitty flowers. I don't. She just had a frolly. I don't know. You can't stop her. You don't know if it happened or not. I guess we'll never know. I don't think that that's true.

Why would she rub her own shit on her tits? To make shitty flowers. Why does anybody do anything? Why do you wake up in the morning? Because it feels good. She's going to go to work. Why do caterpillars become butterflies? Maybe we can ask a whole bunch of questions.

Yeah. That's a good point. Metamorphoses. Yeah. There you go. All right. Science. I noticed there's a new addition to your bookshelf.

It's just a little vial with a sign that says fetal rat. Yeah. It's exactly what it says. Cool. sign that says fetal rat. It's exactly what it says. It's a fetal rat. Great. I'm glad that that's just on the bookshelf. And the other one is a bunch of little rat feet. Oh, good. And a rat tail.

You know, it's good that you have that. It's nice. It's very upsetting. I think it's upsetting. I want to get the Sloman shield to protect my house. and Marcus is like, I got fetal rats. I got fetal rat feet. Fuck, this mattress is still here, too. Yeah, we're not going to talk about that.

Marcus is upset with me. Yeah, I'm extremely upset with you. I am very upset with you about that. Yeah, send it out to LA, man. I need that shit. You want it, Kevin? Yeah, there's a lot of people who need that mattress. Kevin, I'll give you 50 bucks to take it off my hands.

I'm going to kill you in your sleep, you big giant, and then you're going people who need that mattress. Kevin, I'll give you 50 bucks to take it off my hands. I'm going to kill you and you'll sleep, you big giant. And then you're going to give me three wishes. I don't give a fuck. And then you're going to fucking be slayed. I don't want to live, Jackie. You're being, stop. Are you pissing on yourself right now? No, I don't got no drugs on me.

Oh, my God. I'm nervous about him. He's going to go to hell. Listen, man, we're all dying inside. Don't try to hide it. Don't try to hide it. This shit is a nightmare, Jackie. That's why I drink so much. Yeah're all dying inside. Don't try to hide it. Don't try to hide it. This is a nightmare Jackie. That's why I drink

so much. Yes we've gotten to the root of it. Have another drink Giselle that's what you need. A friend of mine gave me a book

yesterday called Please Kill Me and told me I needed to read it. I just love that it's called Please Kill Me. That's actually

one of my favorite books. It's one of my greatest books ever made. I heard it's great. I'm going to read it. Ever made?

What's wrong with me? I don't even listen to punk, but I love the titles. I'm going to read the fuck out of it. Yeah, you're going to love it. It's really fun. Hey, I consider myself a writer. That's one of the greatest books ever made. That's one of the greatest.

Because that makes sense. Yeah. Because that's a sentence. Yeah. Are you a writer? No, apparently not. You are? You get paid to write?

I got paid to write. I got paid to play two writer, baby. I'm excited as shit. You get paid like a grand? Huh? You get paid like a grand to write. You are. You get paid to write? I got paid to write. I got paid to play Tomb Raider, baby. I'm excited as shit. You get paid like a grand? Huh? You get paid like a grand to write. No comment. I don't like to speak about money, but fuck yeah, dude.

I'm rolling in it right now. There you go, buddy. Got all this Tomb Raider money, man. Tomb Raider. They paid me to play video games. I'm going to do it. It's the new thing I get to do now. What's the game you're playing for?

I played eight different Tomb Raider games. No shit, huh? It's for, yeah, the Rise of the Tomb Raiders. We don't need it. This isn't a show about video games. Go listen to Wizard and the Bruiser for that. Oh, what? Oh!

Oh, God. I'll say this, though, man. I've been playing the new Tomb Raider, Rise of the Tomb Raider. That's what it's for. It's because Rise of the Tomb Raider is coming out on PlayStation 4 October 11th. And that's why Brangelina broke up is because Tomb Raider just came out and they were trying to get publicity. I'm just saying this, man. Say what you will about feminism and not objectifying women.

I agree with all of that. But in the Rise of the Tomb Raider, I did notice they seem to have made Lara Croft's ass a little smaller. Strange choice. I'm trying to figure out why they would do that. It's very true. Why would they do that? It hit its peak with Tomb Raider Underworld I've been deep in it lately

So Tomb Raider Underworld, that ass could Literally, you're like, where's the level? Where's the stage? It's just an ass on a screen And then with the reboot, Tomb Raider 2013 They removed the ass from Lara Croft Yeah, strange Strange choice, man

Where the ass at? That's what it should be called You gotta get a t-shirt that says that Yeah, where the ass from Lara Croft. Yeah, strange. Strange choice, man. Where the ass at? That's what it should be called. You got to get a t-shirt that says that. Yeah, where the ass at? This is an arrow down the back of the shirt pointing at my ass. Is she dead? No, she's just passed out from drink. Just get her into a cab.

The arrow should be in the front, and then it should be like, that's not it. That's not it. That's my front ass. I'm talking about my back ass. Back ass. Okay, so there's a pooper. There's a pooper. I mean, that's really all there is about the pooper. There's not a whole lot.

There's just a guy in Dublin, Ireland taking a shit in front of the same store over and over again. The guy said one time he was out there for 45 minutes trying to shit and then once he shit, he left. Well, yeah. What else do you got to do? That's interesting. 45 minutes he sat there.

I guess he's just squatting. It's kind of a funny joke. Yeah, you would think you'd go with a loaded gun, though, man. You can't just... If you're going to go shit on somebody, you wait until you got to shit. I don't know. I mean, do you ever get shit shy?

No. You never do? I just unload, dude. When I'm trying to make it happen, it happens. No, sometimes I feel like I got to take a shit and then I go to take the shit and nothing happens, so I just have to get up and go. That's because you're a load, dude. When I'm trying to make it happen, it happens. No, sometimes I feel like I got to take a shit, and then I go to take the shit, and nothing happens. So I just have to get up and go. That's because you're a coward, man. Speaking the truth.

Man, that's some harsh truth. Yeah, that's really cutting deep. Yeah, this is really cutting deep. For sure. I mean, some would say that was unnecessarily cruel. Well, I thought it was just fine. I think it was on the money. Well, maybe it is.

Yep. Maybe it is. So the guy is going to find the pooper and then they'll arrest him and all that stuff. And then they'll arrest him and then he'll go to jail for public indecency. Oh, I don't know. Leave him alone. All right. Why do you think they should leave him alone?

How would you like it if someone came and shat on your doorstep every day? I wouldn't love it, but you just water it out. You water it off. Or wait it out. It'll dissolve. Yeah, I feel like if you just constantly, if you leave it. If you leave it, but what if, see, that's the thing is if you leave it, he's going to still keep coming back every day to shit. Yeah, but the thing is, it's horrifying, it's horrible.

If you leave it for long enough, it piles up big enough, then it becomes an attraction. More business. You give yourself money. People all over the place, yeah, come in miles around. And all of a sudden, he's the one who brought business back to your small, shitty town. Shitty town, pun intended. Yeah, and then they become best friends, and then they move in together, and then everything's great. Oh, isn't that fun?

And then it's the odd couple reboot. Until season three, when they get the talking dog, and then it all starts going downhill. Yeah, and then they get sexually attracted to each other and then things get complicated. And it's like, where is he going to take a shit? No. I feel like they should call it the plop couple. Okay. Okay.

I'll go with that. Thank you. Plop couple. Do you remember that when I won the segment? No. No, it hasn't happened yet. The themed roller coasters? No.

I remember the themed roller coasters. Well, that segment isn't going to yet. The themed roller coasters? No. I remember the themed roller coasters. Well, that segment isn't going to happen. The Boo-Berry? Boo-Berry. That's not the segment. It won. Boo-Berry coaster. Yeah, it won.

Boo-Berry coaster, incredibly racist. How is it racist? I'm not getting into that. I think it's ghostist. What, you think I don't want to fucking run for mayor of a fucking made-up town in ten years? Definitely want to do that. What's happening? Jackie, say something.

Get me out of this hell. I can't. Jackie, remove me from this hole I've dug. Please say something funny and fun about your boobs or something. Yeah, yeah, about your breasts. Boo, boo, shitty flowers. Shitty flowers. That's fun.

Yeah, I'm going to shit my hands later. Okay. How are you doing that? I don't know. See if I can. See how much I can to shit my hands later. How are you doing that? I don't know. See if I can. See how much I can hold in my hands. I got small hands, and I wonder if I shit more than my hands can hold. I guarantee you you can shit more than your hands can hold.

You have small hands. I do have small hands. Oh, yeah. I could easily see you shitting more than that. I wonder how I would do it. I don't think I could shit more than what's in my hands. I've had tiny do's before. I could definitely shit in my hands. Everyone

here, I believe, could shit in their hands. Now, filling up a fireman's helmet, that would be tricky. Yes. There's a lot of difficulty with that. I'd probably shit in a bowl first and then pour it into my hands. Isn't that nice? Okay. So, let's move on, Marcus,

to a different story that doesn't have anything to do with Dookie. What the hell is wrong with you? It's a Dookie podcast. It's not a Dookie podcast. It's a Dookie podcast. It's a news podcast. We have the title. Personally, I'm glad I'm leaving.

The show is canceled. Leave. This next one, I mean, it doesn't have Dookie in it, but it happened in a bathroom. Okay. Okay, we're getting there. An Iowa man was arrested last night for allegedly measuring his penis with a cardboard ruler while at a urinal inside a college library bathroom. Police collared Thomas Morgan, 42, on a misdemeanor indecent exposure charge in connection

with the May 7th incident at the University of Iowa's main library in Iowa City. Morgan, cops say, was inside a restroom when he, quote, partially turned his body toward the witness who was using a urinal in the bathroom. Morgan then measured his penis against a cardboard ruler. The victim told a cop that Morgan subsequently, quote, made a comment regarding his size. The man added that atop two of the urinals, there were cardboard rulers with dark Sharpie markings regarding penis size. So he's just hanging out in the bathroom with multiple rulers that he made himself, measuring his penis.

You want to see a picture of the guy? Yeah. I don't know exactly. Yeah. He looks like a penis he looks like the jesus yeah don't fuck with the jesus he does look like lebowski yeah a little bit he looks like what that guy would look like in real life yeah so you can't uh measure your penis in public not while staring at somebody else and talking about it if you were discreet about it in a

bathroom like say if you're just standing in front of a urinal And measuring your penis That's totally fine But if you turn slightly to the right Do it and then start talking about it Then that's illegal I never measured my penis I feel like maybe I did I can't remember though

You did it like in high school Everybody does in high school This is curiosity Never did it Jackie How big is yours? 29 school. Yeah. Everybody does in high school. Yeah. Really? Just his curiosity, yeah. Mm-hmm. Never did it, Jackie. How big is yours? 29. 29 what? Guess. I just want to see how long his neck is. I feel like his neck

is probably longer than his dick, and maybe that's why he has some sort of complex. He's got a very long neck, and his head does look like the head of a penis. Does the tattoo exist of the ruler markings on an actual penis? Because I feel like that's kind of a fun tattoo idea. We'd have to get it hard. It's like those ones where you get...

And then you got to tattoo it hard. Yeah. Tattoos. Ben, what are you getting? Well, maybe a picture of my face on my face. I like that Kind of fun Like on your cheek or on your forehead

Or just over your entire face No, just multiple small faces in forms of teardrops on my face Oh, that's fun Okay, for all the friends you've had that died Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah In prison Yes, yes I actually found a real fun tattoo that you're going to like, Ben.

It's a fat guy wearing a Dale Earnhardt Jr. shirt, pulling up his beer belly, and he's got a six-pack tattooed on his beer belly. That is fantastic. Kisly, you've got to get that. I would, but I'm not even that. That guy's a great fat. The dimensions of it, though. He's got it a little bit high up.

You, buddy. Yeah. I think he's a little confused, this guy. Well, I guess he probably got it tattooed like 20 pounds ago, and I think he's gained the weight, and now it's sort of tilting up a little bit. Oh, he's so proud of himself. Yeah, it's a brilliant idea. I love it. God, that's a really good idea. Yeah.

I mean, Jackie, you have a bunch of tattoos. You can always get more, you know. Yeah, you got a lot of tattoos. My next one's a tramp stamp. It's going to say, karma's a Yeah, you got a lot of tattoos. My next one's a tramp stamp. It's going to say, karma's a bitch, and so am I. That's the next one. See, that's funny. I like that one.

That's a funny one. Yeah, my mom supports it. I haven't seen that anywhere. I like that one. Thank you. Well, tattoos are an interesting thing. All right, Marcus. You really know how to put a button on a conversation.

They are interesting. Put it buttoning up. That's what I like about old Ben Kissel. Button it up. You really know how to put a button on a conversation. They are interesting. Put it buttoning up. That's what I like about old Ben Kissel. Button it up. You're like a fly. Yeah. Buttoned up fly. Flies?

No, like a pant fly. Like a panty fly. Ah, the buttoner fly. Now, back to the penis story. The victim told police that he felt weird and uncomfortable seeing the defendant's semi-erect penis. During questioning, Morgan reportedly admitted to measuring himself with a ruler. While he denied being aroused, Morgan told cops he's, quote, guilty of being curious. I mean, you know, we killed the cat.

So this guy had to report him, and then they had to go to trial. If I'm this guy, and, like, I'm in a stall, and some dude's measuring his cock next to me, but talking to you about it, I know for a fact. I know, okay. You would be awesome about it. I would just be like, okay, if I call the police, I'll have to go to trial and be like, this is what happened to me. I saw this guy's cock and he was measuring it.

What is it, three, four days out of your life to deal with all that horse shit? I would let it go. Why do I kind of feel like you'd run with it, though? Like, yes and no. If you were drunk enough, you'd just be hilarious about it. I don't care about anyone doing anything. I, like, I've seen so much fucked up shit and I just, like,

I don't know. I mean, I suppose a lot of it's often illegal, but it's like, I just roll with it. But unless, unless they're hurting someone else in some way, you know, let them do whatever they want. And then, oh, oh, he mentally molested me, you know, whatever. No no he didn't yeah the defendant in this case he was just standing there the guy's measuring his cock just shut the

fuck up and leave the bathroom and and tell the story to your friends or make small talk about rulers or your penis size yeah or just openly mock it and be like not that long bro you know make fun of him a little bit i'd one up and I'd pull out a tiny scale and I'd weigh my penis. Just be like, hey, welcome to the party. You know, hey. How much does your penis weigh? I got to check when I get home. I got a scale.

Yes. Oh, for the food? You're going to put your dick on your food scale? No, I'm going to put it on my, I have a scale that I stand on. So you're going to, how are you going to? So I'm going to put my penis on now. Jackie, what's wrong? What's going on?

You have to put it on a dresser or something. Is it just the penis or full penis and balls we're talking about? See, that's the thing. It would be very hard to actually weigh. It would be easy... And when have you jacked off? Because you'll have all that extra goo way down the scale. It would be easy to weigh a limp penis because it'll just sort of rest on there.

But an erect penis, that's going to be a lot more difficult. How are you going to rest that on anything? Bang it on it. That's a totally different weight, man. It's tough. Yeah, it's a totally different weight and it would be hard to actually like get it on there and have it accurate. See, that's blood weight. I'm not here to talk about blood weight. I want pure penis and balls weight.

Yeah, meat weight. Blood is mud to me. I get you. What's a meat? It means nothing to me. Don't you have blood in your dick, though? Yeah, blood's in a dick always. What you need to do is drain the blood out of the dick. Yeah, get a syringe. Hire one of those horny vampires.

One of those horny vampires? Are you just going to call up horny vampires in the phone book? Yes, one of those. Exactly. I've got to get a phone book, which is a thing that I know in this day and age. And look up under H. It ain't hard to find horny vampires, Marcus.

Every vampire movie, all they do is go to the club. They're always at the club kissing on each other. Amy and Bella, I can interview with the vampire. They had like 16th century clubs. They're always hanging out together. Group sex, man. Always with them vampires. They nasty.

They're lonely, though. Vampires are very lonely. They nasty. They're lonely, though. Vampires are very lonely. Very lonely. That's what's tough, because you get kind of lost in time, and you can't really relate to the newer things. Like, what's an iPhone? I was there when the wheel was invented. Who wants to live forever, you know what I mean?

Yeah. I agree. All right, yeah. It would be a drug scale if you were a marijuana dealer. I would think it's more of that. It would be a drug scale if you were a marijuana dealer I would think it's more of that put a fancy cloth on it for when you put your penis on

I'm saying two pounds I'm gonna say a breast I'm gonna say my breast five pounds I think you're heavily overestimated you're weighing your breast I'm weighing my breast and I think in comparison to how-rested. Oh, wait. You're weighing your breasts, not my penis. I'm weighing my breasts. Okay.

And I think in comparison to how a dick, if I close my eyes, I can feel how the dick. Yeah, you really do. By the way, she's doing this right now. She's closing her eyes. She's kind of just furiously. Jiggling. Jiggling her tit with one hand, and she's palming kind of a dick and balls, an invisible dick and balls in the other hand.

Two pounds. I'm going to say two pounds. Okay. Two pounds. A dick weighs two pounds? Sure. No, the other hand. Two pounds. I'm going to say two pounds. Okay, two pounds. A dick weighs two pounds? Sure. No, I think not. I would say no more than 11 ounces.

11 ounces? I'm talking dick and balls. Hard. I only talk about Eddie's balls. Again, hard does not matter in this situation. We're not talking about hard. The blood is mud, Jack. We've been over this.

I'm trying to think about this. A serving of turkey is about eight ounces. Turkey? this. A serving of turkey is about eight ounces. Turkey? Yeah. A serving of turkey is about eight ounces. That feels about... I mean, a dick might be slightly heavier than that. Maybe.

I have no idea. Okay. Yeah. Someone actually did an Ask Reddit, how much does the average dick weigh? And someone did the math. 160 grams. None of us knows what that is. So let's put it in.

Grams to ounces. Yeah. Interesting. Sounds like a big number, though. Yeah. It's about 0.35 pounds. Hell no. 0.35 pounds.

So that's around 11 ounces. But that's got to be soft. Yeah, definitely. Well, but again, hard- I know blood is mud, but I just think that that's the most time that people are manipulating a penis. Manipulating? Yeah. What do you like?

You play it like a flute. Getting into its head. I do that on the side of Doug's dick, and he loves it. Right. That's why you have that flute. Yeah, because it's my dick flute. Interesting. 5.6 ounces.

Oh, there we go. 5.6, that's it. Less than a serving of turkey. Less than a turkey serving. That's all the turkey we eat. I eat so much. If I'm eating turkey, I eat a lot of fucking turkey.

Kevin, good small talk too. Next time you get a serving of turkey, just be like, oh, by the way. It is. did you know? Is this more or less than a dick? You gave me dick turkey here. It's only

about 160 calories, man. Is a serving of turkey greater than or less than like a serving of chicken? I imagine it would be about the same. Yeah, I think it's about the same. Does turkey meat now, can you do another Google search for what weighs more turkey meat or chicken meat? Do you mean by pound?

I don't know what I mean anymore. By pound, does turkey meat weigh more than chicken meat? Does turkey meat weigh more than chicken meat? This could be maybe the most boring conversation we've ever had on the round table. Can they find a reason to keep listening? Can they dig deep within themselves and say maybe they'll get to something that means anything?

Doogie podcast. Doogie podcast. We're talking about the density of poultry. The conversation I've always wanted to have. All right, this isn't Radiolab, guys. Let's get, you know, come on. There's about 11 billion chickens killed every year. Let's see how much that is in ounces.

What is the average weight of a chicken? Now that we can discover. That we can figure out from a simple search. Depends on with peppers or no peppers. You talking eatable chicken? Feathers? Wait, edible chicken? Wait, wait, wait.

Talking like ready to eat chicken. How much is a featherweight? There's no fucking weight on these. They got their giblets. They got all the shits. If they got a whole, they got feets. I'm talking, are you talking about chicken you're going to put in the oven? Or are you talking about chicken? I'm talking about chicken. I'm talking, are you talking about chicken you're going to put in the oven? Or are you talking about chicken?

I'm talking about chicken. I'm talking about a booted bantam. 1.9 pounds average. That's it? Wow. Yeah, but it's way more than a dick. Yeah, it's like nine dicks. What?

It's like nine. Yeah, how many dicks? Okay, so now we can figure this out. Now we've gotten to the meat of it. Pun intended. How many dicks is a chicken? That chicken right there, that chicken right there, but nine dicks. It's nine dicks heavy.

Because I want to walk into the grocery store next time and they say, how much chicken meat do you want? I'm going to say eight dicks worth. And I want them to know. So we need to spread this knowledge out. So pounds to ounces. All right. to spread this knowledge out. So, pounds to ounces. Alright? So, we're gonna do 1.9 pounds is 30 ounces.

Okay. I'm with you there. That's simple, 30.4 ounces. Alright, so, let's do a calculator here. Okay. Calculator.

Okay. Searching for that. Yeah, switching the calculator. So, we're gonna do 30.4 ounces. That's the average booted bantam chicken. Okay. D for that. Yeah, switching the calculators. So we're going to do 30.4 ounces. That's the average booted bantam chicken. Okay. Divided.

Now, are they wearing boots? Or is that just a fun nickname? It's just a fun nickname. Okay. So we'll do that. Divided by.36, the average weight of a dick. We're going to equal 84 dicks per chicken. Whoa!

Wow. Damn. Oh, my God. 84 dicks per chicken. Whoa! Wow. 84 dicks per chicken. 11 billion chickens killed a year. And blown away. How many dicks were the chickens? It's a chicken holocaust and a half. Now, in the holocaust, there was 6.5 billion Jews killed.

Half of those were men. So how many dicks make up one whole Jew then? Can you calculate how much Jew in dicks was killed during the Holocaust? We've got ourselves an equation, Marcus.

You want to know how the weight of the penises lost in the Holocaust. In chickens. In chickens. In chickens. Preferably in chickens. So how many men died in the Holocaust?

No. Ben, you missed a lot. Yeah. Did you know that the average chicken weighs 34? 84 dicks? It's 84 dicks of chicken. Yeah, we did the math. We actually did the math on it.

And it's 84 dicks for every chicken. Now we're trying to figure out how many chickens were... So how many chickens were lost in the old situation there? How many chickens were lost in the old situation there? Fences were lost in the Holocaust. How many chickens were... Because it's inverse calculation. So it seems difficult to do. No, you've got 80... No, because one chicken equals 84 dicks.

So how many men? But let's say like, yeah, like say men. Three million. Let's just say three million. Okay, that's fair. Three million. Let's just say three million. Okay. That's fair. Three million divided by 84, right? Yeah.

Okay. Is that it? Is that how you do it? To find out how many chickens were there? But the Holocaust, there was more than three million people that died in the Holocaust. No, but men. Just men. Oh, just men.

Yeah, just men. Number of dicks that perished. Oh, I see. Okay. So three million. And so we want to see how much dick weight that is? Yes. All right. Number of dicks that perished. Oh, I see. Okay. So three million. And so we want to see how much dick weight that is? Yes. All right.

Times. How many dicks? Point three six. Wow. In chickens. Wow. That's the thing. In chickens, how much dick weight was lost in the Holocaust?

She has to divide that number by 84. Yeah. Divide. I think just three million divided by 84 and you get it, right? And then you get that many chickens, and that's how many chickens? Well, no, because we just have the 3 million. We don't have in pounds or ounces. 84 dicks per chicken. Oh, right, we need the pounds and ounces.

That's 1 million 80,000 ounces of dicks that we lost. In the Holocaust? Well, now it's really hitting home. Now. Let's see how many pounds that is.

Yeah. And then that weight in chicken meat. How many chickens? First of all. Dog chickens. That's 692, 500 pounds of dicks. Whoa. That's a lot.

Damn, that's a lot. Sign me up for that trash job. Well, you would have to theoretically shovel. 692 pounds of dicks. You could use all that meat to make a half elephant. That's a lot. That is a lot of decapitated cops. I really have cried from laughter in a roundtable episode, but I'm literally shedding tears.

All right, so. All of our careers are over. This is it. This is the one. This is the marker right here. All right. This is the one. This is the marker right here.

All right. So we've got 692,500 pounds of dicks. That's divided by 1.9, the average pound of your booted Bantam rooster. Oh, wow. Okay. So in the Holocaust, we lost in dicks. In the holocaust We lost Index Alright Equal To 364,473 chickens

Oh my god What a massacre of chickens And once a year Once a year we should have a parade with that many chickens marching through town with a big sign that says,

this is how many dicks we lost. Through Berlin. This needs to happen. Again, I say, 11 billion chickens are slaughtered a year. That's a Holocaust

and a half. We need to pardon this 360-something thousand chickens a year and have them march. Spare their lives every year. Every year.

Right before Thanksgiving. All right. Where chickens still can go. I think that's a wonderful idea. We can't kill the turkeys. Yeah, you can't kill the turkeys. Oh, man. Well, where do we go from here?

Well, let's... We can't do anymore. All right. All right. Okay, one more story. Should we do one more story? Let's do our first story. Let's do our first story.

Okay. So how many pounds of dicks were lost again? 692,500 pounds of ticks were lost in the war. Wow. I mean, really, I know that is weird, but that kind of puts the Holocaust into perspective. I mean, it's just so senseless. Like six million is like, man, that's a lot.

But when you really imagine like a... Dicks. Just dicks. It's a furious amount of all dumpsters the landfills amount of dicks Wow crazy Jezebel would love to look at that. Oh, they would parade all over it. Yeah, slate would be all like Slate would be all like, ugh. Dex. Ugh. Oh, Dex. Oh, no. Slate would be all like, ugh. That's a good impression. All right, good. Yeah, let's do our first story.

All right. A dispute on a Florida shuffleboard court turned violent yesterday when an 81-year-old man allegedly punched a fellow pensioner and struck him with a shuffleboard cue. Here's the old man. Oh, man. Merry Christmas. Yeah, he looks kind of gentle. All right, so shuffleboard, what happened with the game that got him so upset?

Well, the confrontation Wednesday afternoon occurred at the Pinellas Park Senior Center, which includes an open-air pavilion with 16... That's Pinellas. That's where I'm from. Pinellas? You're from Pinellas? Pinellas, yeah, well, yeah. Why are you touching your boob? Yeah, why are you touching your tail? I breastfeel extra good That's where I'm from. You're from Pinellas? Pinellas. Why are you touching your boobs?

Why are you touching your boobs? I breast feel extra good today, and I'm sorry. I think it's because we talk about dicks so much, and now I feel like my breasts are precious. Stop grabbing at them. It's just, you know, it comes off sexual. It's not sexual. It's just where I put my hands. The next episode, we'll figure out how many boob weight was lost in the Holocaust.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah, but that's going to be a lot more. That's going to be a lot different. Yeah, just think of all the kids. Yeah. You know, they didn't have the breasts. Well, that's also a thing about lemons, so you know, it's less important.

I'm calling Jezma right now. Oh my God, Jezma would be like, Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. That's a good Jez Mill. Slate would be all like,

oh, you're mine. I fucking hate everything, man. I just want to get out of here. I just want to go somewhere, middle of nowhere, nobody, I don't have to talk to anybody. All right.

So we have a story here. Yeah, yeah. Police charge that the octogenarian, his name is Herbert Hayden, had a verbal argument that escalated into a physical altercation. Hayden allegedly punched the victim in the face and hit him with his shuffleboard cue, causing damage to both cues. Cutting, cops noticed, sustained a pair of four-inch scratches on the right cheek of his face.

Hayden was arrested on misdemeanor battery charge and booked into the county jail where he is being held on $250 bond. Oh, come on. I mean, $250 bond is pretty reasonable. Yeah, but let them go. They've got nothing else. $250? It's nothing.

Yeah, pay that. Yeah, that's nothing. It's nothing. Absolutely nothing. But we have nothing. I wipe my ass with $250. Do you really do that? Yeah, I go to an orphanage.

I rip it up in front of a bunch of kids. Hell yeah. After you've wiped your ass with it? After it. No, no. Before. And then you take a shit at home. I say, I took a shit on this.

I'm the horniest man alive, and I rip it apart. In front of a bunch of orphans? Well, they're of age. They're 18. They're 18-year-old orphans. I don't think technically you can be an orphan at that point. No, yeah, you're just an adult. Really?

Yeah, you're just a person. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're just a person without parents. There's no word, but there's no word. A bastard? No, you're just fucking unlucky. Or very lucky. Or maybe the luckiest person.

I don't know. Or maybe the luckiest person. It depends on the eye of the beholder is the one who tells the truest tale. Marcus? Is that right? Yeah, I mean, that's it. They don't know why the old men were arguing. They don't know what happened.

They just know that the old man with the beard started beating the shit out of the other one. That's awesome. All right. I'm happy for him. I think it's beautiful. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. I am Ben Kissel.

I'm Jackie Zebrowski, but actually's actually Holden's Week to Pray. Is it Holden's Week to Pray? No, it's not. It definitely is. I fucking did it last week, and Ed's not here. You gotta do a guided meditation. That's what you gotta do. Starting the episode.

You have to do it. First we're doing the introductions, then I'll do the prayer to end it. No, we actually do the prayer and then the introductions. Okay, I'll do that. No, we do the introductions, and then we'll end it do the prayer to end it. No, we actually do the prayer and then the introductions. Okay, I'll do that. No, we do the introductions and then we'll end it with the prayer. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen. That's Jackie Zebrowski. How's your squirty bird?

My squirty bird's great and I've got breasts. I hope you don't grab them all here this episode. I can't touch them and you guys can't. Holdenators, ho! Nobody knows. Guys, I'm really excited. Everybody's beautiful. Everything is red and good. Shoutouts.

Do you have any shoutouts? No PlayStation shoutouts this week. Stay tuned next week. Yo mama! So fat! So fat! How fat is she? She died from being over from diabetes.

You think that was good? That was a good one, man. That is obese. All right. Oh, yeah, I'm Kevin Barnett, a.k.a. Bird Luger. Hey, guys, this is my last episode in a while, so I'll be saying goodbye at the end. Keep us. That was going to be a doozy, hopefully.

Kevin, I understand you just had an odd situation happen in the bathroom. Yeah, man, it was crazy in there. This dude had slices of shit that he didn't flush. I was upset about it, man. I really was. I hope we get into it a bit later. I think that we will. Are we doing this?

I don't know. All right, I'm Ben Kissel, and let's see, Holden, it's your time to pray. And now, everybody please close your eyes for a guided meditation. It's a spring And the falls And the leaves And the thing I can't remember the words Of the song

You're a cartoon owl It doesn't matter You're a cartoon owl Your parents don't trust you You end up Being able to sing the song Really well At the very end

On the radio But then when The parents show up You're like What's the song You go back to your bad song and then and then they're like no no no the song you were singing that we disapproved of earlier that's the song we want you to sing right and then after that you get a blank check um and a

whole movie's made out of it you're just a little kid and you put a roller coaster in your backyard or was that richie rich either way blank check you get a roller coaster in your backyard or was that Richie Rich? Either way. I think it was Blank Check. Blank Check. Blank Check. You get a roller coaster in your backyard. You get a whole house full of stuff. And then you're home alone. Your parents leave and your whole family. That's home alone. Kevin!

They say to Kevin Barnett. If you're Kevin Barnett, if you're not Kevin Barnett, then it's whatever your name is. Holden! Marcus! Jackie! Marcus! Jackie! Ben! He doesn't give an F. I'm happy they're gone.

Yeah, that's the thing. Kissel. Either way, it's your own personal journey, right? Yeah, now you're in a cloud full of dick meat. And you know all those dicks went to heaven. because all dicks go to heaven. The new Disney film about the Isn't that exciting? Coming to you this summer

which is next summer because we just got out of summer. Peace! I nailed it. Welcome. Open your eyes. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen. I think that's it. That's it. Hello. Hello.

For more shows like the one Table of Gentlemen. I think that's it. That's it. Bye. Hello. Hello. Hello. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.