The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 303: Who Pumped in Here?

Episode Date: October 25, 2016

The gang is joined by Kelly Fastuca and Mr. Matzo to discuss sword fights gone wrong, stag nights, and dirty roofers.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Ladies and gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

Diabetes, I think. What? I just slammed a bunch of almonds. I always get lightheaded now. Oh. Are we beginning? Are we starting right now? Oh, I see.

Okay. Welcome. All right. I mean, is this like the beginning? Yeah. Oh, okay. Let's do it. Oh, yeah.

He's praying. Not me. Not it. Not it. Not it. I'll do it. Oh, you got it. No, you said's praying. Not me. Not it. Not it. Not it. I'll do it. Oh, you did it. No, you did it first.

No, Eddie did it first. Now it's not a good idea. Oh, God, don't let me have diabetes. Amen. Amen. Good Lord. That's a nice prayer, though. It is.

It is. Yeah, I get all light- Focused. Yeah, I get all light-headed, and I need sugar and raisins and stuff. How are your fingers and toes feeling? Are they tingly? They're twitchy. You're peeing a lot? I could barely pay. What's that? You're peeing a lot? and I need sugar and raisins and stuff. How are your fingers and toes feeling? Are they tingly? They're twitchy.

You're peeing a lot? I could barely pay. What's that? You're peeing a lot? No, I think I woke up this morning and I slammed a huge Gatorade in a big Rockstar energy drink. Oh, God. Having a stroke.

I might be having a stroke too, man. I've been like stressed all day. None of the trains worked and I think I'm dying. Wait, so diabetes, you pee a lot? You're thirsty all the time. Oh. Well, I'm definitely thirsty all the time, but I think that's alcoholism, isn't it?

Yeah, that's the alcohol. I do have that same fear often, though, when I'm like, oh my God, why am I always so thirsty? It's because I drink heavily six, seven nights out of the week. Oh my goodness. I'm fine. Everything's fine. Yes. That's it.

Hey, we're in the no problem zone, huh? Are we? Yeah, we have no problems at this table. Is that the zone? Yeah, when we're in the zone, no problems going on. We leave the zone, maybe we should probably curb our drinking a little bit and do some changes in our lives. While we're here, this fucking sphere right here, nobody got no problems. I love this zone.

So we don't acknowledge our problems. No problems. No problems. All right, well, that Just no problems. All right. Well, that kind of works. All right. So, yes. So, Jackie, you're here.

This is a round table. I ain't got no fucking problems now. Oh, yeah. You in the aisle of denial. Is that in the grocery store? Please put me there. Where all the cookies are. Dolphins won.

I'm feeling great. I'm really happy. Really? They looked good. They looked really good. The saddest Facebook post I ever saw in my entire life. I want to be friends. No one will come see the game with me.

I believe the status was the only thing worse. Marcus, you can get it up. The only thing worse than watching the Dolphins lose is doing it alone. Is there anyone around? Damn it. I want to fucking... My favorite thing about social media is just the calls

for friends. Anybody. Anybody. Just somebody, please talk to me. No one answered. Is there one other Dolphin fan in Queens to keep me company? Watching them lose is one thing. Doing it alone every week is another. You're like the sad man from the party that you mentioned last week.

I'm sorry. Oh, you're like Winnie the Pooh. There was answers. I got answers. Oh, yeah. One guy said, oh, Eddie, that blows, man. That's how I felt last year as a Cowboys fan in Seattle. Who cares?

That one's made in Seattle. Might as well blow your brains out. It led an increase in beer consumption which was already dangerously high. I feel your pain. Even your friends are sad. I love that you were just like, not two, not three, just one. Anyone!

And then the next guy was like, Ajayi's going beast. I got a feeling the fish will win. Boom! Boom! Ajayi's fucking amazing. Two 200 games right in a row. Isn't that something? Well, good for him.

So now your record is three and four, right? Three and four, dude. Playoffs, baby. Okay, does that mean playoffs? We missed the playoffs barely. That's good. Wait, are we already at playoffs? No!

No, no, no. I'm optimistically looking into the future. As soon as they start winning any amount of games, Ed starts thinking playoffs. It's a very just... It's a soul-crushing cycle. We beat the Steelers and we beat the Bills. There you go.

I'm feeling pretty good. Defense looked a little... I'm not here to ruin your brigade. Sounds like you're trying. This is a no-problem zone, Eddie. Yeah, man, you ain't got no problem. is a no problem zone, Eddie. Yeah, man. You ain't got no problem. I got no problem.

Just give me fucking props. The aisle of denial might be my new favorite thing. Is that what's happening here? Haldenators, ho! I'm not depressed. Tay Tay says, PlayStation Network shoutouts everybody get comfy there's a bunch of the Starbursts this week

is there a candy drawer over there? I found rat shit in there earlier I would not go into the candy drawer Eddie has managed to find the candy drawer how's the cat getting in the drawer? rats rats

nuzzle their way in there making shits on our chewy fruity candies you haven't seen the studio cat yet? drawer. Rats. Rats. Sorry. Rats. Nuzzled their way in there. Picking shits on our chewy fruity candies. What, you haven't seen the studio cat yet? It's just hanging around. Fiffers? Fiffers the studio cat. I love Fiffers. You've met Fiffers. I have met Fiffers. The one smoking the cigar in the corner?

I've met Fiffers. So TayTay says Jackie is the kitty's titties. Scree! Tay Tay! Yeah, give me that Tay Tater tots. Put some onions on it. Uh-oh. Sometimes I dip them in Dijon, because I'm crazy. Aisle of denial.

Aisle of denial. Not bad. Quee Gia says, you are all very funny people and are not near as grotesque personally as the others say. Shout out to my boys, Opticjoy and Voitek540. They're genuinely great friends. Comic Blunder says, shout my name, you bitch. He says, Ed looks like

he eats too much marmalade and tell Jackie she is beautiful. You do look like you're full of jelly. Marmalade is jelly? It's fancy jelly. So they're saying you're rich. Yeah.

Fancy jelly. Yeah, you got rich, too. Jelly in your skin. Good-ass jelly. STJ Music, he's an audio engineer in Detroit looking for a little publicity. If you want to make your production sound perfect, you got to hit him up, even though all you have is a PlayStation Network username in order to do that. But you can hit him up on PlayStation Network all you have is a PlayStation Network username in order to do that. But you can hit him up on PlayStation Network if you have both a PlayStation 4, a PlayStation Network account.

And remember this name as TJ Music. Hit him up. He's desperate for work. He needs more work. more work. Scissormeat Tiernan says tell my friend Adrian to stop being a lesbian so we can straight fucking goop

swap. Yeah, but it's scissormeat. That is a lesbian username. Yeah, that's a lesbian thing. Well, maybe he's trying to I don't know, maybe it's like trickery. Oh, yeah. It's a coup. A tricksy, sort of like a puck, kind of Midsummer Night's Dream series. How dare you fucking bring him back. Puck from the real world?

San Francisco He's not dead He's doing great No Puck didn't die Puck didn't die Puck made fun of it He should be dead Puck made fun of it right

and in the reunion episode they called Puck out for it. That's right. But no, he's a delivery driver in San Francisco. He beat his wife recently. He's a bike delivery driver. Yeah, he went to jail. He did.

He's garbage. The Max Beard says, tell Ben to chill and have a slice of papas. What is papas? Papas is a house. Okay. And tell Marcus I think he's swell. Smell the bell. And special Marcus I think he's swell. Smell the bell. And special shout out to Johnny

Krug. He gave me a little info on how his life's going right now. It's like a fucking blues song. It's fucking just a crushing defeat. Says this year has been a butthole casserole. Buddy, we're all going through it, alright? Come to the safe zone. Pull up a chair. Come a Dolphins fan.

Move to Queens. I'll hang out with you. He'll hang out with you on Sundays, whether he likes it or not. From 1 to 4 or 1 to 3.30 depending on how bad we're doing. And if it's an off week, you're shit out of fucking luck, Johnny. But there you go, so that's the end of your

PlayStation Network shout-out. Bungles, bungles in the evening. I like this song. Bungles in the evening. PlayStation. Don't let him take them down with you. I'm sorry, you know I'll start riffing on a song. You know I love to riff on a song. All right, Kevin Barnett is not here.

He's writing for the Carmichael show, I believe. Is that what it is? Yes, he's writing for a very successful show. He's going to make a lot of money. Bunch of money. So much more money than we're making. He should be flying back on Sundays. Well, I think he's busy.

He enjoys writing for that show and living in beautiful Los Angeles. Speaking of beautiful, Kelly Fastuka is with us. Oh, hi. I'm the Kevin substitute. Oh, boy. I guess so. Well, you don't have to. Hey, guys.

I'm excellent at birds. You don't have to do that. Do you like birds? On a scale of one to bird, how much do you like birds? Like zero birds. I have a huge phobia of feathers. And I got it from my mother and my sister as well. We can't stand feathers.

But I think it's because I watched the birds when I was like really young. No, I don't know. Like feathers? That's not weird at all. Like not birds, just feathers. No, birds freak me out. But the feathers also freak me out. It's together, a collective makes me feel young.

How do you feel about beaks? Beaks? I've never really seen them on their own. But my biggest one is spiders. Spiders I'm really bad about. How do you feel about beaks? Beaks? I've never really seen them on their own, but my biggest one is spiders. All right. Spiders I'm really bad about. We are from Australia. Well, birds eat spiders.

You should like birds. The enemy of my enemy is my friend. She's like bizarro Kevin Barnett, a white woman from Australia that hates birds, wears glasses. Yeah, and you never break dance? I'm just guessing. With flips in your spare time?

She ain't got a hat on or nothing. Do you like video games? No. Do you play the trumpet? No. Interesting. He plays the saxophone. Same difference.

No, it's not. He puts his lip on a thing and it makes a noise. It's fine. Jesus. He's so talented. He's so talented. He's so talented. He makes me sick when you keep on,

if you have a conversation with him, you find out how many things Kevin is like, not just good at, but excels sufficiently at, where he's just like, it's just a one hand, yeah, jazz, blah, blah, blah. What the fuck, you motherfucker? You haven't even tried that hard. He's bad at communication with all people, though,

and I think that's a big thing. That is a big thing. That's why I like him. That's his autism, isn't it? That's what it is, just being good at everything but can't communicate. Well, he is awesome. That's the first one today. Yeah.

Very good. All right, so now we got this other guy here. I have no idea who he is. He's not your baddie. Give him a break. His name is, Eddie gave me a note, Mr. Matza. Yeah, I'm Mr. Matza. Mr. Matza. Mr. Matza's a diabetic. Give him a break. His name is, Eddie gave me a note, Mr. Matza. Yeah, I'm Mr. Matza. Mr. Matza.

Mr. Matza's my cousin. My second cousin, my third cousin, something like that. And we're related. So you guys are related. Now, you're a relatively attractive guy. And then Ed. We were just talking about that earlier. We said he was handsome.

I said he looked like John Stamos when he walked away. That's good. You really did? I don't agree with it. I've simply been, I've heard, not You really did? I don't agree with it. I've simply been, I've heard, not a lot. Not shy.

It's not like I walk down the street and be able to say, John Stamos, no. Hey, Johnny! You're everywhere I say. You guys don't have any drums around, do you?

Sorry, ladies. He's taken. Sure, maybe if you get him a little drunk, you kind of put the tits out a little bit, catch him on an off night when they're having a fight or something, maybe you can get in there.

Yeah. Yes. Do not let your wife listen to that. No. That's it. Are you right in front of the law? Is that why we can't use your name? No.

I, however, am currently a middle school teacher. Oh. So I would prefer. Yeah, we don't want to get them fired. We don't want to get anybody fired. We don't want to get anybody fired I love it I feel worse for middle school teachers than I do for anyone going into war

you don't want to be surrounded by 112 year old girls at all times just screaming with hormones oh wait have any of them tried to kiss you no have you gotten love letters you've got to be kidding me. I have...

There have been people upset that they don't have me as a teacher. Twelve-year-old me would have been all up in your potatoes. Alright, Jackie. I feel like fucking thirty-year-old you was all up in his potatoes, Jackie. Are you talking about future me?

I'm not 30 yet. Oh, you're not 30? No. Well, all right. Potatoes. Beautiful. Five minutes ago, you're up in the potatoes. What?

But if you had girls, I used to be a high school teacher, too. Okay. I lasted as a teacher for three days. That's about right, yeah. Right? Three days, and I never went back. But I had girls who were very sexual, but weren't aware how sexual like they would sit in the floor in front of you and wouldn't

like they wouldn't close their legs properly because they just had no idea that you could see up there it's his job to not notice that yeah but that's the thing you would see these girls and be like girls close your legs and they're like what oh no I don't know yeah we get that I did teach in high school and it was the crushes and stuff were

a bigger issue. Well, this conversation is disgusting to me, so we're moving on now. This is disgusting. I don't want to hear about 12-year-old girls. Shut up, everybody. Shut up. Kelly, clam it down. They're horny.

It's a disgusting conversation. Diabetic Kissel is a buzzkill. No problem zone. I'm kind of with Kissel is a buzz kill. No problem zone. I'm kind of with Kissel on this one. I don't want to hear about the gushy 12 year old girl. I was gushier than I am now and that's gushy. That's gushy. Who are you?

Did you have a teacher crush? No, no. I just wanted to fuck every boy that I saw. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You flipped the whole thing. So you were hunting down these poor boys? Yeah, and I would beat the shit out of them. I was one of those.

Like me, goddammit. How'd that strategy go? Great. Let me tell you, I was banging left of lefty. She lost her virginity to a gay boy. No, not at all. Did you? That's how it worked out for her.

As my side gig, I am a man of the cloth. I'm a reverend because the internet says I can do that. And I'm going through my first divorce now because I did inadvertently marry a woman to a gay guy. How did you know? I did. But you just didn't tell her? Nah. Oh.

Couldn't break her heart. That's on the reverend. I think the reverend's got to call her aside and be like, hey, have you thought? Maybe he likes it. Is that on the website? All of her friends and family and everyone surrounded by this situation? No, I'm not saying to do it at the wedding, but they met him before the wedding, I'm sure. Yeah, I worked with her.

Yeah. She's a teacher, too. Right. And then he met the husband. He's like, hi. And you were worked with her. Yeah. She's a teacher, too. Right. And then you met the husband. He's like, hi. And you were like, fuck. Yeah. Yeah, that's about right, actually.

Everyone says hi, Kelly. This isn't fucking Australia. We don't shank each other. Or cry out loud. That's the preceding fuck that concerns me. No one said anything to her. She doesn't have any close friends. So what happened?

Did she catch her fucking another guy? No, but she's currently living a miserable married life. They've had sex. They have sex once a year. That's not bad. That's good. That's a lot. Real Michelle Bachman,

huh? That's rough. Well, Marcus, I don't know what the stories are. We didn't get a chance to go over them because I was so late today, but I don't know. Do you want to start with get a chance To go over them Because I was so late today But I don't know Do you want to start with one? I'm going to surprise you This is fun Yeah

It's fun I feel like Ed Yeah And I have diabetes This is good Start watching the Dolphins game Come on No

I won't watch the Dolphins game Next week Next Sunday Nobody's doing that The headmaster Of a Connecticut high school Has apologized After it's football team football team named one of its plays Hitler. Was it a good play?

I mean, they've been using it for years. Chris Winters of Greenwich High School issued the apology Friday. He called the designation inappropriate and offensive and said the practice has been stopped. A mother from the town of Trumbull told the Connecticut Post her son's freshman football team was playing Greenwich on Thursday when the players charged onto the field shouting, Hitler. The newspaper reported the signal for the play was an index finger laid across the upper lip.

That's pretty amazing. Eddie, now you're going to be Jewish as of next week, right? You're getting baptized. Next year. Next year. Next year. Oh, summer next year. So is this offensive or isn't this a great offensive play call to then get the defense on their heels?

I mean, it's an attack situation. You know, you're going to fight. You know, you want to win. You know, Hitler was a good fighter. Yeah, but why did you choose Stalin? If you're going to go choose a winner. Oh, that was what they did if they were up and it was late in the game, they would call Stalin. You battle the bulge. Yeah. Stalin's like taking a winner. Oh, that's what they did if they were up and it was late in the game. They would call Stalin.

You bet on the bulge. Stalin's like taking a knee. Yeah, that's it. What was the play? It doesn't say. I mean, I don't know if it was a flea flicker. It kind of does. Eddie, you know about football.

What kind of play would you like to see if it is Hitler? You got the play. It's called Hitler. What is it? Gossip. That's not a football play, Eddie. Oh, you want your offensive lineman to fart. So, like, why are they lining up with their butts to the defense?

Oh, it's because they're going to gass them with their farts. I see. It's not gay, right? It's just made abuse. Will they give them to all the players? Seems like it's going to be dangerous. Debbie Levinson told the newspaper her son was angry when he came off the field and told her why. When she asked the

coach he confirmed that they use a play named hitler uh she said my grandparents aunts uncles and cousins perished at the hands of hitler my father and mother suffered unspeakable atrocities during the holocaust so yes i am outraged the newspaper reported the play has been in use for years i mean i have a... I don't know. I just feel like it's not the biggest deal on the face of the planet. Mr. Matza, you're a social studies teacher. What do you think? That's tradition.

It's been around for years. I mean... It's been fun. I... Fuck it. It used to play. You want a good organized play? It worked.

Your name is also Mr. Matza. You're Eddie's cousin. Are you of the Hebrew persuasion? I'm Jew- play. It worked. Your name is also Mr. Matza. You're Eddie's cousin. Are you of the Hebrew persuasion? I'm Jew-ish. That's a fun show. You just actually sold a television show. You're no longer a teacher. Wow.

I get that. Jew-ish. That's fun. Yeah, that's good. He's like Jewish, but he's not practicing. He's Jew-ish. Oh, that's kind of funny. His neighbor is Hitler. Someone call Kevin Bonnet.. He's Jewish. Oh, that's kind of funny. Then his neighbor moved in, and his neighbor is Hitler.

Someone call Kevin Barnett. Stop rotting it. Go, go, go. Oh, my God. Barnett, he's actually hired. I'm sorry, Holden. The staff has been filled. I get it.

I understand. It's a high. You need diversity. There's a lot. Yeah, they need, you know, it's a whole situation for me. Isle of denial. Isle of denial. I like it.

I mean, to be fair, the Connecticut Anti-Defamation League said that they didn't think that they were trying to be offensive. They didn't think that they were trying to intimidate anyone. They were though. No, they were supposed to intimidate. But not... Football intimidate. Yeah, football intimidate. Not in a way of like, you are

Jewish, I am saying Hitler to intimidate you. It's just saying Hitler. How many Jews are even in Connecticut? How many Jews? Oh, so many. I don't know. They're WASP-y. They're not playing football. First of all, how many Jews are playing football? Honestly, are there many Jewish individuals that have played football?

Who's the best one? Back in the day. Jay Fiedler. Is he Jewish? Yeah. Alright, the Fieds. Great kicker. He went to Dartmouth. Did he? Yeah, we got a few. We got Sid Luckman. That's not real. How many of those guys are wearing leather helmets? Yeah, this is all from the 40s.

Yeah. And the rest of them are announcers. No, there's a couple. I'm sure there's some owners and presidents. Oh, I'm sure a lot of them. Yeah. There's Sid Luckman, Ron Minx, Igor Olshansky. Igor Olshansky does not sound Jewish to me.

Andre Tippett? He's not Jewish? I don't know. I think Andre Tippett's Jewish. He's on the list, Eddie. Andre Tippett. You can be a black Jewish. Amari Stoudemire.

Whoopi Goldberg. I know. It happens. But Andre Tippett, I would never guess. All right. I mean, yeah, Jay Fiedler. He's on there. He's unbelievable.

Yeah, there's the Friedman brothers, Benny and Lenny. No way. Benny and Lenny is adorable. Wow. Bill Goldberg. He's Jewish. You know what? I guessed that.

I guessed that. I don't know what it is. I don't know. He played football. Yeah, from 1990 to 1995. Atlanta Falcons. what? I guessed that. I guessed that. I don't know what it is. I don't know. He played football. Yeah, from 1998 to 1995. The Atlanta Falcons. Really? Yes, sir.

Yes. His finisher was the spear in WCW. Oh, yeah. I was watching during that time. He couldn't be beat. Couldn't beat him. They scripted it that way. Yeah.

Couldn't beat him. I hated Bill Goldberg, man, so much. Media creation. That's what I say. He was scary looking. You ever see a Santa Claus movie? Yeah. He was in Santa's Sleigh. We watched that in my apartment. Santa Claus horror film.

Highly recommend it. It is amazing. And tis the season, so check it out right now. It's not that season. It's Halloween and Christmas, both seasons. No, you watch it in November. You watch it in November? Yeah Yeah it's right in between the two I think you gotta watch it After Thanksgiving

You watch it the first week of December The first week of December You start popping gremlins You know we're gonna do Die Hard Die Hard I'm so sick of this Christmas looming over Halloween

Looming over Thanksgiving Christmas needs to be Christmas Give Thanksgiving It's due respect And for crying out loud Can Halloween Just be October's holiday Yeah I like that I saw Christmas lights up The other day Christmas, give Thanksgiving its due respect, and for crying out loud, can Halloween just be October's holiday?

Yeah, I like that. I sold Christmas lights up the other day. Oh, no, you didn't. I still got them. I was walking to Manhattan. Oh, I don't know. Are you sure they're not just still up from last year? Well, that's, I don't know.

I'm not stalking the house. I'm not Robert Durst. You know, I'm not just like going around wealthy places, but I did see Christmas lights up and everything did seem to be in good standing order with the home. So I think they just put them up. But who knows? Either way, Christmas, get out of Halloween, and leave Thanksgiving alone, too. Out of my closet, out of my wallet, into my car?

That's it. That's sort of a Ted Bundy. Out of my dreams. That's it. My car. There you go. Good platform, Ben. Oh, it's going to be huge. Yeah, 2017, look out. It's it. My car. There you go. Good platform, Ben. Oh, it's going to be huge.

Yeah, 2017. Look out. It's going to be huge. It's Trump's thing, so you can't do that one. No, he's gone. 2016 is only like two months left. 2017. Oh, 2017.

Yeah, he's running for mayor. Running for mayor. Slowly walking to mayor. I hear 2017 is a big year. You still start with something lower, like councilman? No, no, no, Eddie. We go right to the top, Ed. I'm 2017's a big year. You still start with something lower? Like councilman? No, no, no, Eddie. We go right to the top, Ed. I'm not starting at president.

I'm starting with mayor. Is governor bigger than mayor? Yes. Yeah. Bloomberg's mayorial ship was bigger than the governorship, but now de Blasio markets. What are we doing? The governor's back. Well, alright. Hey, I'll deny. What's that? Run for mayor of Yon Hey, aisle of denial. What's that? Run for mayor of Yonkers, maybe.

Mayor of Yonkers? Yeah. No one gives a fuck about Yonkers. Yonkers? It's the funnest city to name. You're the mayor of Yonkers? Yonkers. I'm not even sure where that is. It's up.

Hardly even fucking... Somebody let hold the name of city. Yeah. Yonkers. The gangie. That's the name of the city now. The duck that kept on escaping to go, like,

play the piano with the church. Yonkers? What are you doing? All right. Either way, so the kids are in trouble or they just had to change the name of the game.

They just had to change the name. Actually, thankfully, people aren't making that big of a deal. I think the mother was making a bigger deal out of it than anybody else.

Of course, it's Connecticut. Like, even the Anti-Defamation League was like, ah, it's okay. Yes, fine. I mean, I guess we have to be mad about this, but let's relax. I guess the finger over the upper lip signifies Hitler. It's too funny.

It is. We all agree that is the funniest part of the whole thing. And then the coach had to, like, bring him in to practice on Monday and be like, okay, we can't do Hitler anymore. Yeah. But they've been doing Hitler for years. You know, they're all like, boo! Now, is that the international sign for Hitler, the finger over the nose, rusting like Adam Sandler used to do the pickle? No, it's the two fingers.

The two fingers. The nostrils. So going over your lips, yeah, under the nostrils. That's what I believe as well. Yeah. Or like a little bit of a comb. Mel Brooks does a, he'll take a full, he'll have a full comb and then he'll hold most of it and he'll just put it right in front of him. Okay, but that would require a prop.

Yeah, you got to have the comb in your pocket. Yes, at all times. Yeah, you can't bring a helmet. Yeah, no, you don't need that. You got a helmet. The coach doesn't have a helmet. Yeah, but. He's the one calling the plays.

So as soon as he pulls out the comb, everyone's going to know what the play is. You have several comb plays. Yeah. Ooh, yeah. Mini comb-based plays. Yeah, like the chimney sweeper. Or the chapel. Oh, my God.

We have to do an onside kick, but I forgot my rubber chicken. How am I supposed to signify to my team what we're going to do? The carrot top of coaches. It'd be amazing. You want to do another story? Sure.

I have no idea what's coming up next. Holden, you don't want to? No, I said yeah. Yeah. It was a high-pitched yes, not an eh. No, it was more of a yeah. No problems, though. No problems here.

I don't like denial. A sword fight between two men ended with one in need of treatment for a cut to his hand and the other in custody on charges of assault and robbery. Officers responded to the area near the McDonald's at 1914 King Street in Bellingham, Washington, about 11 p.m. on Monday after witnesses called to report the fight. The victim, 24, who lists his address as the Lighthouse Mission in Bellingham, The victim, 24, who lists his address as the lighthouse mission in Bellingham, told officers he had been walking with his friend, Brandon Lee Gayona, 26, who is homeless, to look for cigarette butts to smoke. The victim had been carrying two swords, each with 19-inch blades and sheaths on his back, and Gayona asked if he could see one. When the man drew one of the swords, Gaona began acting strangely, quote, wigging out,

yelling and demanding the man hand him the sword. Gaona then pushed the victim to the ground and punched him on the left side of the face before he could stand up. Gaona picked up the sword so the victim drew the other one from its sheath and the two hit their swords together several times. This is awesome! It's two homeless men having a sword fight in the parking lot of McDonald's. So a guy's homeless, he's still got two samurai swords,

he hasn't pawned in for, like, some food or anything. Sell them! Sell them, he's looking for cigarette butts on the ground! Are they both homeless? Way of the samurai. Are they both homeless? Yeah, they're both homeless. Wow.

Priorities, brother. But only one was looking for cigarette butts. Yeah. And the other was looking for trouble. Well, I think one of them was a smoker and the samurai was not a smoker. Yeah. Of course not. He's a midnight toker.

Yeah, naturally. You never think about the cigarette butt hunt, but I guess they have to purposely get up and smoke. I think about it all the time. Sometimes I throw out a cigarette that I haven't fully finished just in hopes that someone will pick it up and smoke it. Yeah, from two to three or like two to four. Because I care. You look for cigarette butts.

I've had a couple instances in the past where I was trying to quit and I started looking at it like, and I was like fiending and I started looking on the ground. Really? Yeah, yeah. I had friends who used to do that. They'd just walk around and pick up cigarette butts. No, so many birds have been there.

It's not cheating if you pick one up off the ground and just smoke a tiny little bit of it. It's not cheating. Yeah, it's not cheating if you fully debase yourself. This is the most disgusting thing I think you can do. I like tossing like half a joint on the ground. Same kind of thing. It's like, yeah, if you don't stamp it out. Or you leave it like on a ledge or something.

Or throw it at a police officer. Yeah, you're like, take that, you fucker. Take that, fuckface. I don't stamp it out. Or you leave it on a ledge or something. Or throw it at a police officer. Yeah, you're like, take that, you fucker! Take that, fuckface! I don't know, Eddie. I like doing that shit. Well, the two samurais hit their swords together several times before Gaona left a one-inch cut at the base of the victim's right thumb. Gaona ran from the scene.

When officers found him later, he was pushing a cart with a black sword inside, and he admitted to being in a sword fight. And I won! He definitely won. The one inch cut on the dude's thumb, which you know, so he just went

for the guy's hands. Isn't that cheating in a sword fight? Going for the hands? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, you have a little class with it. Yeah. That's ridiculous. It's hard to go for the hands.

They're always moving around. Yeah, I guess that's true. Yeah, they're clamped around a sword. I know, but I think you're supposed to let that be. Maybe they clanked and then it slid down and cut his thumb. Ooh, the clank. Yeah, if it didn't have a hilt on it, yeah. Clank slide.

Yeah, on the thumb right there, one inch cut. I bet that's what happened. These guys don't know what they're doing. They were just having some fun. Yeah, they're homeless. One was searching for cigarette butts, and the other one was just smelling a McDonald's. What the hell else are they going to do? I don't know.

Have a sword fight. I used to fantasize about being homeless as a kid, but then you realize how really sad and awful it is. Jesus Christ. Was your home life really that bad? No, but then you realize how really sad and awful it is. Jesus Christ. No one fantasized. Was your home life really that bad? No, but did you ever see Hook? That is a- No, you want to be a lost boy.

Yeah, but they're homeless. Being a lost boy. No, that's being a lost boy is different. There's a big difference. It's a community. Yeah, and they had homes. They lived in tree houses. Yeah, and some would say they were home more.

No. Oh my God. It's a home and a tree. They ate fake food. Yeah, but the fake food turned into real food. That is sad. homes. They lived in tree houses. Some would say they were home more. No. They ate fake food. Yeah, but the fake food turned into real food. The fake food thing was sad.

That was a little bit sad. That little fat boy. The fat black kid, Rufio, and then Peter. Not that fat one. They started squishing around Robin Williams' face. That was so funny. There you are, Peter. There you are. Funny. There you are. He was so funny.

So does that mean that the Lost Boys just don't eat? That they just don't eat at all? That one was eaten. Yeah, they imagine a real. And it works because it's magical.

Remember the little fat one that had the dumb hat with the palm on it? Yeah, Cannonball. Yes, of course. What was his name? I think his name was Cannonball. I enjoy that you know his name.

Yes. How many of them got killed? Just Rufio or a couple of them? Just Rufio got killed, yeah. You know, you would think not only the best one would get killed. A couple bad ones would get killed, too. I was a huge Rufio fan. I had the doll and everything.

I used to play with the action figure. Oh, yeah, Hook had some great action figures. Who buys the action figure of the guy who dies? What are you talking about, man? I mean, everyone dies. That's fine. Eventually. Where are we at?

This feels like a problem zone right now. No problem zone. To the no problem situation we were dealing with earlier. Now we're talking about death, how everyone dies, mortality. Rufio was cooler than Peter Pan. I'm just going to say it. Rufio was pretty cool. He was cool, but he wasn't that cool.

He was so tough. He was so tough. He was so tough. He had to break through his exterior for him to be friendly towards you. Yeah. Hook had to come back. I mean, Robin Williams had to come back after economic foolship to go be Peter Pan. Yep. How about that Tinkerbell, Julia Roberts?

Whoa. Sexy. But that haircut, though. She cut off all her long locks for that role. Big mistake. I like the pixie cut. It's fine. That film got a lot of heat when it came out.

No it didn't. It got a lot of heat for being a terrible film and it's been voted a terrible film. Really? What? No it didn't. I love it. It was such a good film to watch. It's great.

It's Australian. It may make a hundred million. My whole life I've lived thinking it's a shitty movie. No! I'm sorry. The. Really? I'm kind of shocked. I'm sorry. The Boo Box? I'm wrong. Dustin Hoffman was one of the greatest Captain Hooks of all time. Who was this?

This will tell you something. 30% on Rotten Tomatoes critics. That's good. What? 76% fan rating. There we go. That makes sense. And Saddam Hussein's children, Uday and Kuse,

they actually used a Boo Box in real life on the Iraqi soccer team. I mean, the movie was prolific. It was prophetic. They imagined it real. Yes, and they would do it. They imagined it real. They would go through. If you were on the soccer team, they would list your fears,

like you were going to become a Scientologist. Might be being on a soccer team. And then they'd find out your fear, and then if you didn't play well, they would let you confront it in the boo box. Very scary. Yeah, Peter Travers from Rolling Stone said, no matter how much cash Hook earns, it will take more than pixie dust to fly this overstuffed package into our dreams.

Oh, my God. My wife is never coming back, Peter Travers. I love Peter Travers. He's lonely. He's sad. I hate these adults who go to kids' movies and be like, it just wasn't mature enough for me. It's a hook.

It's about Peter Pan. Yeah. Learn to be young again. I remember seeing the preview for At the Cinemas when I was watching Police Academy 4 or something. And being blown away changed my life. Police Academy 4 was amazing. All of them. Police Academy is the best thing ever.

Citizens on Patrol. Citizens on Patrol. Come up. I was just thinking about this, too, the other day. There's got to be a fucking Police Academy reboot coming out soon, right? I think George Zimmerman really hurt the franchise. Really? Because that is what Citizens on Patrol look like in real life.

They just hunt random people in their neighborhood. It's quite sad. I feel like it's around the bend, man. There's got to be a fucking Police Academy reboot. Can Kevin make noises? Barnett? Yeah. Yeah.

He can do anything. Anything we imagine that he can do. We're putting him off on a pedestal because he hasn't been around for a few weeks. Yes, Kevin. I'm keeping him off the pedestal. Can Kevin Barnett do it all this week on Roundtable of the Gentlemen? Key and Peele are producing a Police Academy reboot. Oh, awesome.

Boom. I knew it. But that was in production like two years ago, so it probably didn't make it too far. I don't know. They cook up these things that they don't always come through.

Remember when they were going to make that new Jaws with Tracy Morgan? No. Thank God it never happened. What do you mean? Like Jaws of Life? The thing that sucked him out of that car after the Morgan? No. Yeah. Thank God it never happened. You mean like Jaws of Light? The thing that sucked him out of that car after the accident? All right. Okay.

All right. That is sad. Tracy Morgan's doing great, by the way. He's doing great. He is doing great. I love Tracy Morgan. But that would be kind of a new Jaws. What would Tracy Morgan do?

Would he be Quint? I think he was going to be the Richard Dreyfuss character. I'm happy that didn't happen. He'd be the marine biologist? I think that's what the idea was. I thought he was going to be Jaws-y. Jaws' sidekick. He swims around with him.

Yo, Jaws, you hilarious! Get away from that boat! No, no. That seems interesting I would love to see it Alright so the people are fine The homeless guy got a cigarette butts Well the other guy he went to jail

On suspicion of first degree robbery For taking the sword Oh come on He stole the guy's sword You win the fight you keep the sword Okay that is true Can you steal from a homeless person? Of course you can. They have rights

just like anybody else. They're still people. They don't suddenly turn into stray dogs. If you're on their square. You can just kill anyone. It's vice of murder. Can you steal from dogs? No, you can't steal from a dog.

Can you steal from a bachelorette party? Yes. In England, they call them hen Yes. Yes. Okay, good. Absolutely. In England, they call them hen parties. Oh, we call them hen parties. That's disgusting. Yeah, it's awful. Yeah, we were in Scotland, and there was a whole bunch of ladies wearing sashes that

just said hen party. See, hen's not. Oh, hen. I thought you said hen. Hen. I thought you said hand as well. Why do they call them hand parties? Hen. What the hell? Do we ever figure out what the hell? Why are they called hand parties? Hen.

What the hell? Did we ever figure out what the hell? Why do they call it a hen party? Because we sound like a bunch of chickens when we're together. Is that true? Yes. That's what they call it? Have you never heard the expression chicken heads?

No. For like a gaggle of ladies? I always say geese. Geese. Yeah, like a gaggle. Here comes a gaggle. You know. Hmm. All right. Yeah, like a gaggle. Here comes a gaggle. You know. Hmm.

All right. Who knew? Makes sense, I guess. I feel like geese are classier than a bunch of drunk women again. Yeah, they're a bunch of wasps. And what are the guys? Geese are fucking disgusting creatures. Whoa.

Is everyone here seeing women? There's shit on everyone's yard. They attack. They'll take down a plane. Yeah, they got teeth. Yeah. They got little teeth in there. They're fuckers, man.

They got teeth in them beaks. Yeah, and they got big ass shits. And then the dogs eat the shit. And the dog tries to kiss you. Circle of life, eh? Dog kiss you, but a dog's tongue's cleaner than a person's average hand. Not when it's eating fucking goose shit. Yeah, and that's a lie, by the way.

It's debatable. Stagnite. Oh, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Much different than the American stag's debatable. Stagnite. Oh, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Much different than the American Stagnites. Yeah. Yeah. Because they're not alone.

Aren't Stagnites sort of a sex party type thing? No, Stagnites are when a bunch of dudes get together and just watch a porno movie in a garage. Oh, I see. Kind of a sad, sad night. Yeah. John Wayne Gacy used to have stag parties all the time. Really?

With a bunch of dead bodies underneath the house. No, with dudes that he was in the Jaycees with. Yeah, everyone loved Gacy because he'd bring them over and he had this weird projector that he'd show in porno movies in his garage. The boys were underneath while they were watching porno movies together. In the floorboards. Jackie, you got to go? Jackie's leaving.

Yeah, I got to go cluck my way over and go get some dinner with a new daddy that's in town. Love you guys. Have fun. You suck my squirty bird once and for all. Okay, Jackie. Almost nice. That's a friendly accent. That's amazing. I loved it.

Yes. Very polite. I teed up. You want me to say one more time? Do another story? We can do one more story. I love stories. We could do a couple more stories. We could do a couple more stories. Yeah, we've got a few more stories on the docket. Oh, man, I don't know if I could stay up for all of them.

That's why Dad does have to go to bed early tonight. Tomorrow they're going to release him in the woods and go hunt him. That would be a fun, surviving the game. I could go with a remake of that. Yeah. Ice-T, remember that? Or was it I could go with a remake of that. Yeah. With Ice-T, remember that? Or was it... Yeah, it was Ice-T.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was the one hunting Gary Busey. I could go for... Hard Target, too. Yeah, but the fun thing about Surviving the Game, it was such a great ensemble cast. What are you talking about? Hard Target had...

Just Van Damme. What do I have? Van Damme, Wilford Brimley was in it. Yeah, but now I'm... That's not Hard Target. Yeah, I mean... It wasn't really an ensemble cast. It was just Ice-T, Gary Busey, and Rucker Hauer.

No. Rucker Hauer is cool. Yeah, but then all the other people who were trying to hunt, they were just, you know, human, just there to be murdered at some point. Are you talking about Charles S. Dutton? I love Charles. Ooh, Ruck. Yeah.

Dutton. Or John C. McGimley. Oh, wow, this is a great cast. Yeah, William McNamara. Oh, F. Murray Abraham. Oh, that's what I'm talking about. He's great. McGimley. Oh, wow, this is a great cast. Yeah, William McNamara. Oh, F. Murray Abraham. He's great. He's great, yeah. Boom.

Surviving the game. Surviving the game. Actually, Ben, I take that back. That is a great ensemble cast. That's a great ensemble cast. Thank you very much. They had Lance Henderson was the bad guy in Hard Target. I would like it more if Drew Carey was the person hunted. Instead of being a homeless person.

I think you've got to flip it nowadays because no one likes white people. No one likes a wealthy CEO type person. Yeah, like the Purge. That is hunted by, I guess, poorer people or maybe richer people. Billionaires hunting millionaires. That's kind of fun. That's fun. That is very fun.

All right, you ready for this story? Yeah. Yeah. Yes. That's fun. That is very fun. All right, you ready for this story? Yeah.

Yeah. A roofer has gone on trial accused of mistreating a child by breaking wind in his face. Oh, come on. Gary McKenzie denies the disgusting prank but says he once broke wind in front of the boy's face accidentally, which he said was funny. Prosecutor Paul Abraham told the Crown Court that if the incident had taken place in a rugby club after the victim had drunk 10 pints, it may have been dismissed as horseplay, but in McKenzie's case, it amounted to cruelty. The charge McKenzie faces states,

At Darlington in the county of Durham, being a person who had attained the age of 16 years, you willfully ill-treated the child, namely by breaking wind in his face, in a manner likely to cause him unnecessary suffering or injury to health contrary to section 1.1 of the Children and Young Persons Act 1933. Wait, so this act in 1933 was like, you know, don't like beat him you know, don't have him like

work and then don't fart on him? Don't fart on him. Don't fart on their face. You could probably fart like on his knees. Why did they have to say he was a roofer? I mean, why did they throw roofers under the bus? That dirty roofer! It's the throw roofers under the bus? That dirty roofer. It's the UK. They have levels there. They're weird. It's a strange thing.

What's this guy facing? He's facing, let's see here. A lifetime of being a roofer. That's not a bad job. That's a good job. And he faces three other charges as well. The other charge is that he punched the boy on the arm and sucked his eye. Sucking an eye is a bad offense.

Those two are much worse than fart on his face. Sucked an eye? Yeah, you never put your mouth around somebody's eyeball and try to suck it out of his socket. What's wrong with you? Where have you lived? Where have you lived? What are you, under a bush in a tree? I don't know.

I never got my eyes sucked. Yeah, I've never really heard of it. Typical Dolphins fan. Somebody bit my eye once. I got in a fight. What? So you know what we're talking about. A kid got in on me, and he bit my eye.

I punched him in the face. Now he's dead. He died? He died. Not from the fight. Oh, good. From cocaine overdose. Huh.

Look at that. Chris Blakely. Real piece of shit. You won, Eddie. You won that one. And he didn't even have a sword. Good for you. Did you go to his funeral?

No, no. Make sure he wasn't faking it? My mom was there. And his mom was there when the fight was happening. My mom's like, go get him off him. He's got AIDS. He's got AIDS. What about you?

No, about the kid biting me. And did he? No, no, no. Okay. He just decided he had AIDS. At 13. When did he die? Like 19 or something, 18.

He was doing coke at 13? Yes, he was doing drugs very, very young. And then he got hit by a car, sued the person, and then used all that money on drugs until he died. Look at that. Lucky guy. Doing drugs very young, though, to be fair, in South Florida is very normal. 13 for coke seems a bit young, even by Texas standards, wouldn't you say? There's like

a whole area of Boca that's just filled with filthy children. Huh. With way too much money and just like doing drugs. It's awful. In Boca? Yeah. Isn't that where a lot of people like retirement homes are? Yeah. Yes. Oh. Yeah, Florida's weird, man. It's like full of like crazy cracked out kids and then just

elderly people driving all slow. It's one of crazy, cracked-out kids and then just elderly people driving all slow. It's one of the richest places in America, but there's trailer parks also. And they're just thrown in the middle of it. I like it. Maybe I'll retire there one day. Well, the kid faces three other charges. That was the punch on the arm and sucking his eye while play fighting. He also held a pillow over the face of another child, which he also put down to playing.

Mr. Abrahams told the jury on Wednesday the acts of 22-year-old McKenzie of Beaumont Hill, Darlington, were, quote, cruel and bullying. Describing the alleged dirty prank, he said the boy, who is under 16 and cannot be identified, had been lying down when McKenzie approached him. He said, quote, the boy said that the defendant pumped in his face. It could have been a lot worse. Pumped in his face? defendant pumped in his face. It could have been a lot worse. Pumped in his face? Pumped in his face.

That sounds a lot worse than farting in the face. Pumped like he jerked his dick? No, no, no. That's the nomenclature they're using for farting. He pumped in his face. Like, I guess in England, when you fart, you pump. Do they know how adorable they are? Who pumped in here? It's like so, so cute.

Is there somebody pumping? It's like so cute. Is there somebody pumping? It's so fun. It is really fun. So now this guy is facing a bevy of charges. Yeah, in a police interview, McKenzie denied the incident, saying he had once broken wind while climbing a flight of steps when the boy had been behind him with his face near his backside. But he said the boy had been upset by the incident. And when they asked McKenzie why I'd done it

he was told quote I just wanted to be nasty yeah this guy any guy that's 22 if you're fixing a roof fix the goddamn roof

you shouldn't be hanging with kids who aren't your own and play fighting like sucking their eye like this is borderline I think he might be he might be a little it's not borderline at all

it's awful there's no borderline something else. He's testing the waters. That's what it is. He's testing the waters. Like, first it's a fart, and then it is a real pump. You know what I mean? It's a lot of creepy stuff. Actually, it does sound like that. The alleged victim relived his ordeal in a recorded police interview played to the court.

The boy said, quote, he pumped. He was right next to me and bending down. He was wearing shorts. His shorts were right next to my face. I said, why did you do that? And he said he did it because he wanted to be nasty. He said he had seen McKenzie do a similar thing to another child and told a detective, quote, he pulled his pants down and pumped right on their face.

I knew he had pumped because I heard the noise. I just think I gotta change the name. Yeah, that pump, it doesn't really, it doesn't make that much sense. To me, pump is one go. Actually, we've got some British people here

in the studio right now. We could ask them, yeah, come on up to the, come on up to one of the microphones here. Tell us, is pumped something that you say?

Talking to the microphone. Yeah. Sometimes, but more, it's Trump. Trump? Here tell us is pumped something that you say Before the election For years and years trumped trumping Chomping makes sense being is a little bit different pumpings weird. I can see trumping trumpeting That was your fart smell Pumping is a little bit different. Pumping's weird. I can see trumping, trumpeting, things like that. I can see Trump like a trumpet. Yeah. Is that what your fart sound like? Beep, boop, beep, boop, beep, boop, boop, boop. Okay. Yeah, yeah, definitely, but a pump.

That must be, no wonder they hate Donald Trump so much. Imagine if they had a prime minister called Joey Farts. Yeah. He's literally, Trump is literally President Fart. President Fart. That's funny. I love President Fart. President Fart. That's funny. I love President Fart. President Fart sounds amazing.

It would be really hard for me not to vote for President Fart. Yeah. Like he would literally just have to be on like a pro-rape platform. Yeah. The name recognition is through the roof. Everyone knows President Fart. President Joey Fart. But it's Joey as well.

Joey sounds like he would watch the Dolphins game with you. He would. I don't know. We don't have too many Italians like in our team. Well, I don't know if Joey is kind of Italian. I only know your voice. There's Joey! Joey Farts!

Joey Farts for President sounds pretty great. Well, that's good. Joey Farts the senator from New York. Yo, listen, the thing is... His filibuster would be phenomenal. He farted for 18 hours straight that day. Greatest filibuster. That man.

He cleared the room. No one could be in the room with him while it was happening. They just said, you know what? You're all free to go. I don't even know. We assumed he filibustered, but we all left. We assume he did. Yeah.

All we know is they passed it. They let the thing pass. He passed. They passed. We all passed. Everybody's passed. Ooh, I've got a defecation story. Might as well.

Might as well. And this is a... From fart to shit. The round table gentleman story. Yeah, from fart to shit, and this is another English story. A passenger traveling on a flight from Manchester airport has been fined for defecating on the runway of an Italian airport. The man was detained by local police at Brindisi airport last month. The 68-year-old is said to have lowered his trousers between the plane and the terminal building, according to local newspaper, the Brindisi Report.

He was later ordered to pay a 3,000-euro fine for acts contrary to public decency. That's expensive. Which was paid the following day. So we just had 3,000 euros. Yeah, shit on the tarmac. That is kind of pretty cool. Take it. Piece of shit.

Take it. So it was on the tarmac? Yeah on the tarmac How did it get out there? Well actually When we Were just flying When we

Transferred in Iceland We walked from the terminal Out to the tarmac Some places still do that Some places still do that Yeah And you just like Went off the

Around the witch's hats What do you call it? Cones You call them cones In America I apologize The witch's hats you call them? We call them witch's hats They have a you call it? Cones? You call them cones in America. I apologize. The witch's hats you call them? We call them witch's hats.

They have a much better name for it. Cone. Cone, yeah, it's one syllable. It's cone. Witch's hats. England,

do you call them witch's hats? No. No. Okay. No. So he stands alone. But like it's really,

so he just ran away and then people tried to chase him and he just like took his, that's a long time though for someone to take your pants off, squat,

push it out, pull your pants back up. I don't know, man. No one's stopping you once you start going. Yeah, and if you've really got one on deck or if you've just got a bucket load in there that's just ready to be poured out, you can get that done pretty fast. Pants up, we'll grab you up.

Pants down, we're going to let it go. Was this guy a passenger? He was a passenger, yeah. He just couldn't wait. Yeah, he had traveled from Manchester to Italy as a passenger on a three-hour Ryanair flight. The man was described as being in a state of, quote, mild agitation as he got off the plane. Oh, so he really had to shit. He just had to shit.

And they didn't have a bathroom, or was it more just he didn't want to destroy the plane? I don't know. I don't know how. He probably didn't want to wreck the plane. It's probably one of those where he's trying to do a service to the rest of his people. Yeah, but then he shat in front of them.

Yeah, but he didn't want to. Yeah. He had to. I stunk up a bus one time. A full passenger bus. We were going from Boston to New York. Oh, man. I had to shit so hard.

It was... Man, it was brutal. I'm in the front of the bus. I have to go all the way to the back of the bus to shit i made it happen it was fucking ugly it was one of those brutal shits i've ever taken i'm taking some fucking awesome nasty ass shits right so i'm like as i'm walking to the front of the bus i can slowly hear people just be like oh my god you know i'm like you can the smell slowly moved it's made its way all the way to the front of the bus.

And every passenger was slowly affected by it. And then the helper lady had to walk down the aisle and spray. She was just spraying. Oh, that's worse than the shit smell. I'm just sliding down to my seat and I'm just like head in hands, like so embarrassed. What do you expect? You're on a bus from Boston to New York. It's going to be a fucking shit smelling bus.

It's going to be. Try to fly be like fly there but you know what I'm saying I understand at least the man's motivation rather they see it than smell it in a tiny little compartment you don't know what's gonna happen because I bet you're right I bet it was pent up I bet he

fucking spilled the beans brother it wasn't like some kind of tiny little fucking pokey dokey right it? It was a fucking massive fucking sledgehammer dump. Well, the fine was paid the following day while the man was still on holiday in southern Italy. Local newspaper,

the Brindisi Report, reports the man. I feel like it only does poop news. I'm Mark Brindisi and this is the Brindisi Report. Dickhead took a shit on a greyhound. That's story one. Story two.

Dickhead took a shit at the rest stop by the greyhound. They report the incident is the second involving British tourists in the last month. Dramatic amateur video showed a police officer running away as a high speed cargo train smashed into a truck. On October 9th, a 43 year old British passenger demanded to get off a flight, which made a technical stop due to bad weather. The man is reported to have been arguing with his wife when he demanded to be let off the plane bound for Corfu, Greece. The pair were eventually removed from the flight by police. Huh.

My worst nightmare is being stuck on public transport or a plane, and I need to either piss or shit, and I just can't do it. Oh, you can do it. A plane is actually fairly comfortable, especially on these international flights. Oh, that's great. Yeah, they've got the things that go on there. Just suck it right out to the... Suck it right out.

Yeah, but it's more like, you know when you're taxiing, and it's like... Oh, sure, you can't do it. And I can't, physically, I can't fucking stand up, because I'll get arrested. And I've been in situations where I'm like, oh, this is it. You, yeah. When you can't do it. Physically, I can't fucking stand up because I'll get arrested. And I've been in situations where I'm like, oh, this is it. You know what? Worst case scenario. I'm going to piss my pants. They'll let you go.

They'll let you do it. You just stand up. You let them know it's an emergency. Don't even stress it. I got real sick. That's right. I had the last meal and I shit 15 times in 16 hours. Whoa.

That's right. I forgot about that. It's impressive. It was very sad. Did you at least have an aisle seat? right. I forgot about that. It's impressive. It was very sad. Did you at least have an aisle seat? No. The poor Indian family that had to sit next to me. I felt so bad for them.

They were just like, I listen, guys. This is a mess. Someone just should have swept me off. They found me some Imodium. They started asking around everywhere. They finally got me some Imodium. How many people had to stand up every time you had to take a dump?

I stopped going back to my seat after a while. Oh my God, that's so crazy. Just sweating and horrible. That's the worst. Trying to make it

across an ocean. That happened to me in Vietnam. Something happened where we were on a bus tour and I had 12 days traveling up from

south to north on a bus and I couldn't stop shitting and I had to take a modium just so I could get on a bus. And I couldn't stop shitting. And I had to take Imodium just so I could get on the bus and complete the trips. It was a horrible experience. And then I came home and had a colonoscopy. Oh, that's fun.

I'm not going to lie. Having a good case of the food poison runs. If you're home, you got the day off. It's kind of fun. You clear it out. It's a good way to start a weight loss. It's kind of a cleanse in a way. You're very comfortable in the

bathroom. I love bathrooms because they're just seats that you never have to leave. No one's in there yelling at you, trying to tell you where to go, what to do. It's own sort of no problem zone in a lot of ways. It sounds like a stereotype, but

the man loving the bathroom is all too real. I'll hang on there for a while. My mother used to give herself colonics in the bathroom. She'd spend hours in there. Why do you know that? Well, you know what? You should not know that. Well, I know a lot. I know a lot

of stuff. That's what your slogan is, right? I know a lot of stuff. I know a lot of stuff. That's it. I know a lot. Yeah, but I gotta say slogan is, right? I know a lot of stuff. I know a lot of stuff. That's it. I know a lot. Yeah, but I got to say, it is, you know, home improvement got it right. The bathrooms. I had a bath.

I just remembered my parents got me a television for the bathroom when I was in high school. That's so cool. Oh, it was amazing. I would spend like, I would just, after school, from 4.30 p.m. until 10.30 p.m. I would never move. You'd spend six hours in the bathroom? You can do whatever you want. You're going to hurt yourself. No.

You'll hurt yourself doing that. You're going to shit your insides out. Yeah. You don't even have to do that all the time. He was in high school. He was in the bathroom for six hours. He wasn't shitting. Not always.

You can do whatever you want in there. One year when I was in college, I had my own bathroom in my own room, and then I set my TV up right by the bathroom so I could see if I was shitting, and I just put it on the wall. Every time I took a shit for a by the bathroom so I could see if I was shitting, and I just put it on the wall. Every time I took a shit for a full year, I watched the wall while I was shitting. It was pretty great.

So you watched it like 10 minutes at a time? Yeah. It was pretty great. It's kind of fun. I like that. I've got bathroom books. Yeah? Yeah, that I would just read while I'm on the shit, and they're only for the bathroom.

That's great. Yeah, yeah. I'm reading a sci-fi one right now called Cryptozoic. Yeah, it's about time travel and dinosaurs. It's kind of fun. Time travel and dinosaurs? You didn't get that by the title? Not time traveling dinosaurs.

Time travel and dinosaurs. What they should do is they should write a book about dinosaurs and find a time machine. That would be a book. That's a book. The dinosaur comes to the year 2024, and they're like, oh, President Farts. Oh, hello. Hello, President Farts.

He's like, oh, you get free Wi-Fi. What's Wi-Fi? Hey, listen, we got to get out of this mess of your age. Yeah. All right, it's time for a segment from old McNeely. Oh, trick or treat Good to eat did you smell my stinky feet Um

We're doing a trick or treat thing today Everybody's got to guess What Marcus will give away For Halloween this year When the kitties come around He's got to give out something It could be a certain kind of candy He could be the good house give away the full candy bar. Oh, yeah, or you give away something else

I'm putting a veto down though No bones, no bones. He cannot give out a single bone. It's the obvious answer Ben can bones be in the chocolate No Okay, no catchphrases out Don't come at me with that. No catchphrase based. We're not pandering today. Today we're going to try to figure out what the difference is between the myth and the man.

I want to know the man, Marcus Parks. I want to cater to the man, not the myth. Oh, he's a bone man. Oh, he's disgusting. He lives in a swamp person. I live in an apartment in Bed-Stuy. He digs holes. It's not the caricature.

This is Marcus Parks, the human being. What's he giving away on Halloween this year? But no one trick-or-treats here. They go to businesses. We'll say he lives in a house in a suburb. Yeah, okay. Let's say a house. What city? Topeka, Kansas.

Tinnitus. Tinnitus. Tinnitus. Tinnitus. Tinnitus. Tinnitus, and what state is that in? Yonkers. Yonkers. Tinnitus, Yonkers. A subset of Yonkers.

Okay. It's a very friendly neighborhood. They rarely have any problems. The only problems they have, it's always kind of like, oh, you put a child in the tree. You know? What a funny joke. Doesn't seem like a problem, though, I guess. For me, and I'm not stalling here,

I'm not saying all this stuff because I don't have an answer, and I'm just saying stuff. Mark's going to give out Calvin and Hobbes comic books. Ooh, that's what you want. Yeah. Mark is giving out Calvin and Hobbes comic books.

I know he's a big Calvin and Hobbes fan. Yes, I am. And he's giving something to kids. He's going to make the kids. By the way, spare no expense on this give out. If you want Marcus to give away a car, I think that's shitty, but you can say that. Yeah. Okay?

And those Calvin and Hobbes collections, they're like 15, 20 bucks each. They're pretty decently priced, right? So he's giving away, he's the coolest dude, but he wants to turn kids on to something. Does everyone get the same one? Is there like a Halloween puzzle? No, we get like, some kids get, you know, space, you know, the fucking scientific progress goes boink. Some of them get, you know, killer mutant snowmen.

Well, Marcus, your house is going to be burned down. There's going to be one kid you give a book to on Halloween and he was just like, this is all time for a freaking trick. It's a comic book. Yeah, they're going to on Halloween and he was just like, time for a frickin' trick. It's a comic book. Yeah, they're going to burn down your house. They don't want to read or look at pictures. They want candy. Oh, some kids are fun. Some kids love Calvin and Hobbes. That's not true. Kids are not fun. Okay, he would know.

Middle schoolers are not fun. That's your trick or treat. Give me a six-year-old and I'm fuckin' good. Oh boy, let's not. Isolate that. Isolate that audio. All right. I'm still unfamiliar with Halloween because I've never celebrated it myself because we don't have it in Australia.

You dress like a person that's not you and then you go somewhere and you get candy from your neighbors. How are you unfamiliar with Halloween? No, I'm familiar, but the thing is I'm so mad about it because out of all the things that we took off America, do you know what I mean? Like we took your television, your neighbor. How are you unfamiliar with Halloween? No, I'm familiar, but the thing is, I'm so mad about it because out of all the things that we took off America, do you know what I mean? Like, we took your television, your music,

Halloween was the one thing we didn't take and it makes me so mad. Oh, it's the best holiday. Like, I get to not be myself and I get to have free candy from strangers. It's the best.

But does it have to be something tangible for you, Marcus? I mean, do you mean like, am I giving them sage advice? Yeah, like, it can't be that, actually. It can be anything you want. Anything you want.

I think sage advice is totally a thing. I mean, the only thing I could think of, like it can't be that. It can be anything you want. Anything you want. I think sage advice is totally a thing. I mean, the only thing I could think of like, because after all the poop talk is like toilet paper so they could like,

you know, if they were stuck in a situation they'd always have toilet paper. No, but then they're just going to toilet paper your house. You know, you're familiar with

TPing, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I've heard about that. No, they're just going to throw it either. But they might take it to the teacher they don't like. They might take it to her house. Yeah.

Or to his house. Yeah. Not to my house. Yeah, to the teacher's house. Not to my house. I'm the good teacher. I'm the cool teacher. Oh, okay.

Maybe I'll... Look, I will give you a barrel of Australian candy, and you can give that out. Because it's made with sugar, not corn syrup. Okay. It actually tastes better. I mean, your teeth won't fall out. It's all weird gummy texture. It's not good.

It's better. It's so much better. European chocolates are much better. European gummies. I'm sorry. I got to go with America on that one. No, they're made with natural flavors. Ugh.

Ugh, natural. Who wants natural flavors? Science. I believe in it. Put it in my candy. Kissel, what kind of bullshit do you have for us tonight? Baloney Lunchables. I was thinking about

Lunchables all week. And also with that we could do a double stuffed chocolate covered Oreo as well. Which are some of the best Oreos that have ever existed. Just that Lunchable, man. How perfect was it? You got the perfect circle

ham, which is that's natural. Everyone loves circle ham. Everyone loves, and a square sort of rectangle cheese, which was absolutely divine. And then, you know, the crackers. I mean, there's just so much to go with there. I love them, but I never got the bologna. I always make sure I got the ham with the turkey

or the roast beef. Maybe an assortment. Maybe not just the... No, you could also make the pizza. Do you remember the pizza ones? Oh, the pizza was bad, though. Well, yeah, because you'd have to microwave it, but of course you could never do that. Yeah. But I'd have to make sure I was one of the last houses because, you know, Lunchables don't have a good outside-the-fridge shelf life.

Oh, that's not true, man. No, they get real slimy. Oh, I don't... Different Lunchable experience. Because I would just leave mine in my locker for weeks and you come back and everything is green and healthy and you know, it's like you're eating a vegetable.

I don't know. I like it. Mr. Matza. I'm going to say edibles. Oh, like edible weed. I do want to clarify the teacher on the show wants to give the kids THC covered. I would like to personally.

I'm simply saying, moving into a new neighborhood in the suburbs, he's already the last person on the street because of the edibles. So he is going to want to endear himself among the future generations And I would go in with you if we could do a two-house thing they eat your edibles first. They're gonna love that Lunchable Parents won't know because you know looks like York Beverly Patty there it is there you go Tell the children Do you tell the children? Nope.

No, you just let them know. No, you don't. Buy the ticket, take the ride, brother. Ed Larson, you are a man. I am. I'm a big man. You're a big man. I was thinking, I got to go like Little Debbie Cakes. Individually wrapped Little Debbie.

No one gives out the Little Debbie Cakes. Everyone gives out little shitty candy bars. What's wrong with like a Star Crunch? No, the smush factor. Yeah, they explode in the bag. Keep it on top. Eat it right now. I'm thinking a zebra cake, by the way.

I don't know. Well, you get an assortment. You get them all. It's a box for like $3. You get 12 of them. Either Star Crunch or a Nutty Buddy. Oh, that makes sense. Nutty Buddies are, I don't know.

They'll hold together pretty good. You can't do Swiss cake rolls, which are my favorite. Oh, those are good. Because they crush too easily. That's what I'm talking about. What are the ones with peanut butter in them? I like those. Funny Bones.

Funny Bones, yeah. And also, can you do an Oatmeal Cream Pie? I mean, those, they crush, but you can also just squeeze those in your mouth. Now that I think about it, I mean, these names were really pornographic. Nutty Buddy, Oatmeal Cream Pie. I don't know. I think they should have renamed them. I don't know.

Oatmeal Cream Pie. I think Cream Pie gained a different term. That's a new thing. Yeah, that's new. Yeah, they weren't calling it Cream Pie back in, like, I don't know, 1954. Oh, okay. It's like someone had a Cream Pie, then they came and a woman was like, oh, you know what that looks like?

Well, hopefully, if it's an oatmeal cream pie, you've got to go to the doctor. I've got to say, I hope you're wrong, and I hope that the pastry came after. That looks like a pussy full of cum. I was having sex with your wife, you know, and I was inspired. I'm going to go with the Lunchables. Boom. Lunchables. That's what's going to get sick. to go with the Lunchables. Boom. Lunchables. I'm going to get sick.

Classic Kissel victory. Yeah. Wow. I don't know. We've done this show for eight years, and I think I've won maybe four times. So this is big. Wow. You've been winning a lot lately.

No. Yeah, you've been on fire lately. Thanks for coming up, Kissel. No, I don't think that that's true. No, it only took him six years to get good at it. Yeah. It's a diabetic shock. No, I'm not good on it. I'm on, it only took him six years to get good at it. Yeah, it was a diabetic shock. No, I'm not good on it.

I'm on purpose. What? You're up. I broke. He's back. No, I am back. All right. So we know.

Yeah, that's fine. Okay, so this is the round table. What a time. Yeah, good time. Hey, just want to throw it out there. All the fucks on the page have been great. I mean, I think we have a winner. We just need one person to count them.

Everyone keeps saying it's actually you. They got a random chance. I thought it was 257. It was 257? It was 357. I think we have enough fucks on the page for that, but nobody wants to count. Multiple people have said it, too.

That'd be amazing. Well, I mean, how do you count? Do you count scrolling down or do you count scrolling up? No one's allowed to scroll. scrolling from the moment the episode aired, count that first fuck, and count them all the way up. Chronologically. Chronologically. But you have to look at the time it was posted,

because when something is posted, it goes back to the top of the page. And on top of that, I mean, it is very scientific. We got to let these guys know what's going on here. Well, last week I said post fuck on the Facebook, on the Roundtable Facebook page. The 357th person gets my HBO Now password. Yeah, why would he try to explain that, Eddie? I figured they were lost.

It doesn't matter if they're, this is for the fans. I think we have our winner. We just need somebody to count it. You can only post it three times a day. There was a shit ton of fucks. There's a lot of, I think I think we have well beyond 357. So if somebody could just give us, if three people could count, all give me the same name, hopefully, in secret, and then I'll give that person a password.

I posted a fuck. Did you post a fuck? I did not. I don't want to intrude. I think that that should be for the people. I mean, well, you know, I already got it. I'd give it to somebody. If I got his password, I'd give it to everybody.

Well, you can't give it to anybody. That's the whole... Yeah, you can't do that. I'd breach a contract. It's a gift. It's a gift. Well, thank you guys so much for listening. I was looking over the iTunes numbers as I obsess over them.

Yes, I know. It's unhealthy. What's that? It said it's unhealthy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are we doing good? Doing great, man. That's great.

I mean, all the shows here, we had CCR had, I think it was, six shows in the top 150. Wow. Sex and Other Human Activities, Top Hat, Roundtable, Last Podcast, and was it The Brighter Side has been in? And there was one other one. So it's doing wonderful. Wizards and Bruisers is going to be in there. This Week in Jackin'.

This Week in Jackin' is always in there. Thank you guys so much for supporting. And check out Holden's new show, Wizard and Bruisers is going to be in there this week in Jack is always in there thank you guys so much for supporting and check out Holden's new show Wizard and the Bruiser thank you Ben thanks for doing my

Twitch stream the other day that was so much fun although I didn't know what I was doing I got completely lost and confused we never ask but if you got free time

rate and review us do it man CCR has taken over and all these huge companies that are very heavily funded very heavily funded this is all just organic stuff

Marcus congratulations you're doing such great work so I don't think we say it enough on this show You know that are very heavily funded very how you know this is all just organic stuff Marcus Congratulations, you're doing such great work So I just want to I don't think we say it enough on this show But thank you guys so much for everything and we really appreciate it and we're gonna keep on plugging away and do good content All right All right guys anything to plug Facebook Twitter's whatever Instagram any tunes Just bump those numbers. Twitch, Holdenators Ho.

Watch Ben Kissel play Until Dawn. We just did it last Friday night. I did not do well. Stukes? I just am Kelly Bustuca on everything. Nice. Yay. Awesome.

And Marcus Parks on everything. Mr. Matza, get some gefilte fish or study hard? Donald J. Trump. Oh, your Twitter is doing great. Fantastic. All right, I'm Ben Kissel. Yeah, you know that. Okay, talk to you soon. Good night. Oh, your Twitter is doing great. Fantastic. All right, I'm Ben Kessel. Yeah, you know that. Okay, talk to you soon.

Good night. Good night. Thank you. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.