The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 305: Ben Kissel, The One True King

Episode Date: November 15, 2016

The gang learns about a Halloween incident involving a cat and a syringe, a family who was thrown out of a buffet for eating too many crab legs, and debates Marcus' pee habits.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Ladies and gentlemen, a little more watch. Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

I made sure to start it with, hey guys. Hey everybody. How are you? Gentlemen, always civility. I'll make sure to start it with, hey guys. Only one I care about. Hey, everybody. How are you? I think that's the best. Yeah, that's the best way to start, Kevin. Just like, hi, everybody. I'm Kevin Barnett or something.

Like, just really bring them in. Yeah. Man, because that's electrifying. Oh, totally. 100%. That's why I do it. I know what the people want. Oh, hey, guys.

Hi. Oh. It's better than hello, you cunts. That's a rough opener. Yikes. Women don't have my same liberties. Not anymore, baby. True.

Alright. Everyone, please calm down. We're calm. We're calm. We're calm. We're calm, baby. We're calm as hell, Marcus. I'm sorry. Actually, this is the first time I ever saw Jackie get political. It was kind of cool. Yeah, it's kind of fun for you to see you say names of politicians.

I said it. Name all the politicians you know. Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado. Those are states. All right. Is that the Animaniacs song? No, it's all of the states in alphabetical order. I loved that fucking Animaniacs song.

It's a 50-50 United States. That's a really good song. From 13 original colonies. The show is terrible, though. You go back and watch it. No! We can have another cartoon fucking fight on this show. I don't give a fuck.

It's filled with jokes. I watched it again recently, and I hated it. It is so good. I'm with Kevin on this one. It was. I loved it. Yeah. I used to love it, too, but it's all bleh.

Well, don't tell me Tiny Toons is shit, or then we're really going to have a fucking hard time. I never liked Tiny Toons when it was happening. What? I liked it when there were adults. Out of your mind. Whatever. You Jew. All right. Thank you, Eddie.

I'll do a lot better now. Thank you. Okay, Jackie, I think you're praying, because I prayed last time. I prayed. No, I prayed last time. Then Eddie, you're praying. I was praying. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Did your dolphins win? Dolphins are still playing. Lord, help prayed that. Eddie, you're praying. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Did your dolphins win? Dolphins are still playing. Lord, help the dolphins. Also, Lord, if you could do me a favor, work as an operator. Hey, Mom, how you doing? What's going on? I'm fine, Eddie. Good, good, good.

It's nice. Yes, Eddie. Jesus. He's black. Yeah, I know. I was trying to tell you he was black. Yeah! So how is everything up there?

I said I put in my papers to go to hell. You put in your papers for hell? Yes! Did you sign them? I'd rather be in hell. Did you date him? Is it dated? Yes! Is it dated?

Did you have your ID? Yes! No, Eddie! No, what do you mean you don't got your ID? You gotta have your ID! You gotta go to hell, you gotta get your ID! You're gonna have to send it to her. Alright, well... The bus is here for hell, Eddie. No, what do you mean you don't got your ID? You gotta have your ID. You gotta go to hell. You gotta get your ID. You're gonna have to send it to her.

All right. Well, go get... The bus is here for hell, Eddie. Oh, Christ. Don't get on the bus. Okay, gotta get on the bus. Don't get on the bus. Get on the bus, Eddie.

Don't get on... Don't get on the bus. I think she's on the bus. Don't get on the... Fuck. In the name of the Father and the Son of the Holy Spirit. Dolphins are currently losing by three points in the fourth quarter. We were winning!

It was 21-17 when I got in here! Down by three, baby. That's the only impression I've ever done. It's my favorite thing. You did a really good job. No, you did Miss Cleo. I can't miss Cleo. You had the fucking balls to tell me the Dolphins are losing after I just talked to my dead mother.

I'm the one! Not him! I'm the one who gets chastised! You have the fucking balls to tell me the Dolphins are losing after I just talked to my dead mother. I'm the one. Not him. I'm the one who gets chastised. You're the one. I'm just a vessel. Fucking inspect me and my emotions. Marcus, I need you to keep track of the game if you don't mind. Yeah, no problem at all.

Oh, I'm keeping track. I'll keep telling you. Fuck your fucking ass. All right. Very good comeback, Eddie. You just won the playground fight. So this is the round table. Eddie, you're here.

Uh-huh. Let's see. It starts with Jackie every time for six years. Jackie, are you here? I jammed my thumb a few days ago while trying to see if I could fit inside of a large cardboard box. And my thumb is swollen, and it still hurts a lot. I'm pretty sure it could might be partially broken. But you know what?

Worth it, because I did fit inside of the box. How inebriated were you at the time of the box? Completely sober. What? I just wanted to see if I could fit inside of the box. How long were you in the box? For a while. Doug dragged me around it, and we ripped the box apart.

This was at home or in the street? At home. Okay, not on the streets. No, it was at home box. Was it in the room for the It was in our kitchen. We got one of those prime pantry boxes. They're really big. I can fit my whole body inside. The whole body? Well, I tried to get my head

down into it. He tried to tape it shut. Like a little turtle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like what Garfield did to Nermal. Yeah. How's the shelving unit? The shelving unit? The pantry thing? No, it's Prime Pantry.

You get a bunch of shit on Amazon. You fit into a box. They think you fit into a box. Five dollars, they send it to you. Oh, wow. I wonder what all the things I could fit into a box like that would be. You can fit so many things into the box. You can fit Jackie in the goddamn box.

You can get Jackie in. I bet I could get the toilet seat in there. If a fan could please just superimpose Jackie in what's in the box scene from Seven. What's in the box? What's in the box?

It's Jackie. It's all of her though. It's not just her head. Yeah. Also, I'm happy for you that you had that moment. I missed that. There was a time in my life

when a box was the most fun thing in the world. We had fun with that box for at least 20 minutes. Kevin, I think you need to do some digging and find your inner child again. Gotta get these boxes. Let's go fucking throw rocks for an hour.

I fell for that one last week, Eddie. I'm not doing that again. I'm gonna hit you with the rocks. Marcus, how many hours as a child did you dig? Total digging hours. What do you mean like a week per day? No, from the age of 3 to 17.

I would say a probably, oh, okay, yeah. Did you dig a year? A full year of my life. I would say, actually, I would say like all told, like a week of my life has been spent digging. Like a solid, like a week of my life has been spent digging like a solid like week like man I'm not talking like I'm talking all the hours added up together when I saw the trailer for holes were you just like oh finally bunch of fucking posers movie Shia LaBeouf's best movie. Shia LaBeouf was amazing in holes. He was in holes?

He was in holes. Just read the book. Just read the book? Never caught holes. Yeah. Saw Critters. All right. I'm at Larson.

Eddie, you're here. How are you doing, Ben? I am fine. You got new shirts. Yeah, my fans sent us some great shirts. Where are these from? Future something. Do I get a shirt?

There's a box full of them. Can I have one? I would love a shirt. Can I please have a Kissel for President shirt? Can you describe the shirt? There's a box full of them. I would love a shirt. Can I please have a Kissel for President shirt? Can you describe the shirt? I need an extra small. It's from a guy named Zach Bigard, B-I-G-G-A-R-D. Of course it was a Biggie. So he's got to be a fan and a listener.

So thank you, Zach. Yes, you can have these Ben Kissel for President shirts now that they're, you know, they're collector's items. Are they all extra large? No, wrong way. Yes. They're all big large? Wrong way. Yes. They're all big. They can all fit me.

All right. So very fun. I'm doing well, Eddie. Thank you for asking. Good. Is it my turn? Fuck you. Holdenators.

Holy shit. We've got some PlayStation Network shout outs. And it is going to be a shout out time. And you're going to listen to my shout outs. And it is going to be a shout out time. And you're going to listen to my shout outs. Do it. Just get to it. Shout out to Monk Dizzle 420. Calverse the World says he is not Parker's cuck.

He's everyone's. So please go to England and cuck him. CJ Roby says. Two seconds. What's up with cuck? What is cuck? We don't need to get into it. I don't even know what it is.

You missed the show last week, Eddie, out of pure laziness on your part. Not laziness. I was actually working. You are not going to know what a cuck is. He was drinking, watching the Dolphins play. I do have a theory that it goes along with yours, Holden. I do have a bit of a tinkling and a bit of an inkling. We filmed the show on Monday,

and I hope you guys will watch Roast Battle Season 2. Thank you. Nothing but footage of Eddie drinking and watching the dolphins. Drinking and watching the dolphins on Comedy Central this week. CJ Roby says, thank you for sending me that recording. Oh, I just want to thank CJ Roby.

He didn't actually send me a shout out, but he sent me a recording through PlayStation Network of him taking a big bong rip and then saying fucker while holding the bong, the weed in. That's fun. I thought that was really humorous and special. Thank you, CJ. No talking during PlayStation Network.

Stop asking me about cuck. Un-fucking-believable. We'll answer the cuck question later. She did it, so he's a fuck boy. No, that's not what a cuck is. Now we have to answer. It's like Balderdash over fucking people. What is a cuck, Ben?

Yes. Marcus, what is a cuck? I don't want to get into it. It's just when you get cheated on. No, it's not a fuckboy. You want to watch your wife get fucked by a black dude. It could be. That's a cuck?

See, no, we talked about this last night. That's cult holding. Right? So what's the difference between a cult and a cuck? Does it have to be a black dude? It could be. See, no, we talked about this last night. That's cult holding, right? So what's the difference between a cult and a black life? It's become a whole thing now where it's, you know, people who have, like, it's like a race trade. Now there's two different.

The old cuck was that thing, and now it's like if you left, if you are not on the right. Once another thing taken from the black people. Good point. I for one prefer William B. Shakespeare's interpretation of what a

cuckold tis. And what tis it? Oh, it's just when you get cheated on. You're made a cuckold. A nannery of sorts. Yes. Most of my ex-girlfriends have made me a cuckold. That's a use in my sentence. Jenna Hill says, I love you long time.

Ho. Thank you very much for your PlayStation Network shout out. Not too many this week. You're welcome. It's getting lower this week, so everybody, if you could please bombard me with PlayStation Network shout outs. I don't think they want to. 300 plus friends on PlayStation Network and counting, ladies and gentlemen. Pop you, Lord.

You've advertised on the show more than that. Oh, my Lord, yes. I get one a week. I get one a week. All right. Kevin Barnett, you're back with us. I'm back. Welcome back.

Welcome back. Oh, hey. How you doing? How many friends do you have On PlayStation Network Kevin Barnett Zero man I don't fuck with Nobody else but myself

I asked you to be my friend man Everybody hit up Kevin Arch Death Squad You're welcome Kevin You sent me a request for real Yeah I did It's still sitting there It's my only pending request

It's from Arch Death Squad Yeah he won't accept My fucking request I'll never accept it It's killing me It's the only one When you're on your death bed Which I'm sure you'll die Yeah, he won't accept my fucking robots. I'll never accept it. It's killing me. It's the only one. When you're on your deathbed, which I'm sure you'll die before me,

I'll stand over you and say, not still, not today. I missed you, Kevin. I know. It's so nice to have you back. People have been missing you. So you're writing a show in L.A.? Yeah, yeah. Can we talk about that? I guess a little bit.

I can't really, you know. It's been fun. Can you tell us the plot? What are all the plots? Yeah, what's the plot? What are all the plots? No, it's been dope, man. The room is real fun.

We walk to work. Does Jamie Lannister die? Ooh. Are you writing Game of Thrones? Interesting. Yeah, it's been dope, man. That's great. And Kevin, can you just tell Holden how fun it is to have a writing job?

Oh, it's great. You know, you come in every day, they got breakfast for you, then they bring lunch. It's just my dream. I just have a dream and I just want the dream to be achieved. Everybody's just happy because they're living the dream. Yeah, we have breakfast and lunch. It's heaven on earth. Breakfast every day.

Like a good breakfast or just like cold bagels? It's good. They have something there kind of taken care of. They get all breakfast or just like cold bagels? It's good. They have something there kind of taken care of. They eat all types of stuff. Eggs and bacon? Do you get cream cheeses with chives in them? I don't do that because I don't really fuck with bagels like that. What?

Can you like call them the night before and have something made for you the next day? Or do you just kind of forget what they take? Wait, what do you put on your bagel? I don't eat bagels. What? What the hell is the point of the breakfast then? Do people like hang out afterwards because they're having so much fun with eachel? I don't eat bagels. What? What the hell is the point of the breakfast then? Do people like hang out afterwards because they're having so much fun with each other? You don't eat the bagels.

What do you mean you don't eat the bagels? I'm not into bagels. What do you mean you're not into bagels? I'm not either, by the way, so I'm team anti-bagels. Wow. I can't. It hurts my jaws. The bread's too tough.

I try not to eat bagels, but they're so good. They're the best. Oh my God, they're the best. They're too much work. I eat five to seven a week at least. That's good for you. No, it's not. No, it's not.

Is it bad for you? They always put too much cream cheese on. Bagels are probably the worst for you of all the breads. Well, they say one bagel contains as many carbs as a loaf of bread, so that's good for you. Oh, yeah. That's what you want, carbo load. Vitamin Bs. Bank Kissel for president.

For breads. Says it on my shirt that I've been wearing for three days straight. It's filthy. I want a shirt. All right. So let's see here. Marcus, I don't know what these news stories are. I got some fun ones for you.

You said that with incredibly low confidence. I got a cat story. All right. Should we do a democracy? Do we want cats? Sure. It's a kitty cat. It's a fun kitty cat story.

All right. I know you're going to like it, Jackie. I love, well, I mean, I'm more a dog person. I don't know if you're more of a dog person. You're really just 180'd on that love. I wanted to pretend like I wanted to be that for everybody. I like cat videos, but not cats as much. I think it's interesting that a non-cat lover would be so Team Garfield.

Yet another notch against the Team Garfield people. No, because it's a fake cat. That's a great point, Holden. It is a fake cat. It's not a fake cat. No, because if a real cat ate lasagna and hated Mondays and liked a loaf around. You guys don't like Garfield? I like Heathcliff.

Heathcliff is a fucking rascal. That's why. He came from nothing. He came from nothing. And he stayed in nothing. But he was the king of nothing. He was the king of nothing. I respect that a lot more than some cat. Heathcliff, Heathcliff, no one could terrorize the neighborhood.

I remember it. He fucking sucked. Yeah, exactly. So we got this side of the room. This side of the table. There he stays. Team Garfield. Stonchley Garfield over here.

I'm for Garfield. Yeah! Team of gentlemen. Majority Garfield. Majority Garfield. Trump America. Yep. Establishment thought.

Unbelievable. Remember Riff Raff? He was fun. Riff Raff was fun. The rapper? No, he's cool. Tiptoeing in my Jordans. The other orange cat, Riff Raff.

Riff Raff the rapper, did he really shave his teeth to look like a shark's teeth or those caps on regular teeth? Kevin, I'm going to you. I don't really fuck with riff-raff like that. I follow him on Instagram. He's got shark teeth? He's got shark teeth. Really? Yes. He's got teeth that are shorter. You should like him less.

That makes me like him more. The album was good. The new album with the pumpkin. He did it all with shark teeth, Eddie. That's weird. But I don't know if he shaved his teeth down or if they're just shark teeth caps. I'm not sure how it would feel shark teeth, Eddie. That's weird. But I don't know if he shaved his teeth down or if they're just shark teeth caps. I'm not sure how it would feel if they are caps. I guess. I don't know.

Is that the same guy that's in the Rocky Horror Picture Show? No, no. Riff Raff is much too young to be in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. There's a new one. There's a new Rocky Horror Picture Show? Yeah, there's a new one. Was Riff Raff in it? There's a lot of Riff Raffs going around.

Wait, was Riff Raff in the new Rocky Horror Picture Show? What the hell was the new Rocky Horror Picture Show? Why was the new one? Tim Curry's in it, too. The Fox Network did a Rocky Horror Picture Show thing. Apparently, it was terrible. Yeah, the Fox Network, Ben. Well, why didn't I write for it, then?

I would have said, isn't that, you know, and maybe Obamacare? Look at this. They didn't have to write for it. It was a pre-written musical. Oh, I see. Yeah. Huh. I had no idea.

So there were a lot of shout outs on the Facebook page this week. Some people are Team Hobbs. Some people are Team Eek the Cat. I think Hobbs. Oh. Eek the Cat is my favorite. I love Eek the Cat. Eek the Cat's great.

Eek the Cat's unbelievable. Yeah. But I don't think Hobbs should be involved in it. He's a tiger. I mean, honestly, we're talking house cats here. If we're talking just cartoon cats in general, Stimpy. Cartoon house cats. Stimpy is the best cartoon cat of all time.

Yeah, we can all agree on that. I don't know. I still think Eek maybe. Eek's got great timing. All I know is I bought a Stimpy doll when I was maybe 12, maybe 11. I might have been too old to buy the doll, quite frankly, but how much I loved it. I was right there with you. He was squeezing it.

He farted. He would stick out his tongue, but it was a fart. Did I talk about this on here that I had the one t-shirt my mom wouldn't let me leave the house with that I begged her to get me at one of those Myrtle Beach surf shops? It was Ren and Stimpy. I believe it was Stimpy vomiting all over the place. And it just said in huge letters, blowing chunks. That's a great shirt.

I know. I want to find it. I'm sure it was burned or ripped apart ferociously after I left for college. But I was never allowed to leave the house, so I only wore it to sleep in. My parents hated them so much as well. I got the Stimpy fart doll. And three days later, I was shamed into returning it. And my mother went with

me. We returned it. But then she I returned it for like three cap guns. And I think it may be a real BB gun. Strange parenting skills. I got mine for Christmas. They gave it to you. Yeah. My mom thought it was the most offensive thing of all time. She voted for Trump. This is why I'm confused.

But we're not going to go in there. We're not going into that. We're not going in there. People are listening around the table to forget about all that stuff. I know. I will bring this up on Christmas, though. Anyone know about your past with Ren and Stimpy? Alright, I'm sorry. This is Christmas conversation I'm prepping for. I just remember, yeah,

I really want, when the game came out on Sega Genesis, I was really excited. I wanted to get it, but they wouldn't let me get it. So every time i went to blockbuster i was trying to get the ren and stimpy game but they didn't someone had it every time i went i mean don't worry it was a terrible game it was like a legitimately bad game it was fun noises and whatnot though no it's not over but the dolphins are in the lead 31 to 24 this will be the first time tannahill won four games in a row, did you guys have like a cat contest last time? We did talk about cats.

We argued at length about what was better. Did people talk about Tigger and the Treasure Cat? Just Garfield Heathcliff. I don't think that Tigger should be counted because quite frankly, he's not a real cat. If you're a cat, Hobbs. Only, we're not counting Hobbs. Just people posted on the Facebook page that they were Team Hobbs. It's anarchy on the fucking Facebook.

No, I don't believe that Tigger does count because he is the imagination of what is it? Christopher something? Christopher Roberts. Yeah, he's an imaginary figure. Okay, Ren was real. Garfield's real. Heathcliff is real. I don't, you know, I don't know.

So I'm saying Tigger is out. Eat the cat's big ass girlfriend, man. He's a big old woman. He had a crumb like fetish. He's a big old woman, man. He got in there. Speaking of crumb, Fritz the cat's big ass girlfriend, man. He had a big old woman. He had a crumb like fetish. He had a big old woman, man. He got in there. Speaking of crumb, Fritz the cat also. Ooh, Fritz is fun, but he's a junkie.

He can't be trusted. Fritz the cat was for adults, right? For a masturbation purpose. Fritz the cat was for adults, but he also loved his large women with big, large breasts. Well, didn't Crumb had quite the fetish of larger than life women. He also rode women with a saddle. Really? Crumbs?

That was like his thing. He would get on top of big women. He'd make them put on a saddle and he would ride them around the house. I'm a strange way to get around. But Jackie, you were just in a box being drug around by your boyfriend. So people do weird stuff when they're alone and isolated. You know, let's do it. I don't think I can carry a saddle on my back.

I'm very weak. Oh, come on, Jackie. Don't call yourself weak. You're very strong. You may be upper body weak, like you got tiny muscles in your arms, but I bet you got real. I have good thighs. Big thighs. Good, strong base.

But that's why I'd rather be pulled around in a box chariot, like as a princess would be, a fake trash princess would be. You feel like a princess when you were being dragged around the kitchen floor? Yeah, I did wave like a princess waves from inside of the box until I ripped it apart because I was too big. It feels like you live in Mortville from Desperate Living, but a bit of a reference that not many will get, but a great John Waters point.

It's my favorite John Waters movie. I'm with you on that one. Desperate Living. Heathcliff sucks. What? If we're going to rehash it, if we're going to rehash it, Heathcliff.

Okay, first of all, someone did go back. Apparently I was pro Garfield on that episode. And I love that. Classic. But I changed. I'm happy to have him on on an episode. And I love that. Fuck plastic. Ben Kissel flip-flops and I'm happy to have him on my side this time. I'm evolved. Yeah, but Ben Kissel for president you fucking flip-flops. I'm evolved.

Can't a man change? No. Can't a man change his ways? Can't a man change. No. Can't a man change. Men never change. They're always the same and you can never trust them. I used to be Team Garfield. I had tons of Garfield books, but you know what? I grew up. I said, out of your wallet, out of your closet,

out of your wallet. There it is. That's Press Secretary Holden McNeely talking. He didn't even hit the fucking thing right. It doesn't matter. He spoke into a microphone. I am getting the word out, ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to say 26. We're voting Kissel.

2026? No election. He said 26. 20 I'm gonna say 26 we're voting Kissel 26 26 we gotta go back and we'll have to go back a few years interesting cat story yeah I want to bring up that mean yuck yuck Ben Kissel they were were talking about Ed, but that's not no They what we were over that we're over it. We're over it. I'm on it. We're over it, okay? We're over it we got a cat story Dolphins win Really impeding the cat story in a row! Four in a fucking row! Really impeding the cat story. Four in a row!

Fuck cats! Dolphins high! We let's talk about- Dolphins high! You were being a- Did you hail? What was that? Dolphins high. Dolphins high. Yeah, like you're riding one.

You know, like, hey! You know. But you said hi. Dolphins high. Dolphins high. Dolphins high. High is good. Right on the low.

Hi. I'm great. I'm feeling great. I think you're high. You guys are fucking making me feel bad and I'm feeling good Dolphins, hi. Hi is good. I'm better than low. Hi. I'm great. I'm feeling great. I think you're high. You guys are fucking making me feel bad. I'm not feeling good about my team. Some would say low would be better. Some appreciate the ocean more than they appreciate space. Not the Japanese. That's right.

So your team did well. I appreciate the shit out of the ocean. The Japanese eat dolphins. Yeah, they eat dolphins. Dolphin meat is great. You've never had it. I have. Marcus, loop it. Cut it together. Put it on the thing. Dolphin meat is great. You've never had it. I have. Marcus, loop it.

Cut it together. Put it on the thing. Dolphin meat is great. It is. We've all eaten dolphin meat. Cat story. The investigation into a syringe found in a girl's Halloween candy bag has led back to a clumsy pet cat. Brandon police.

Brandon being the town... No, this is Brandon Manitoba. Brandon police say the cat knocked over a box of insulin syringes, sending them spilling out with one falling into a bowl of treats the family had set aside for trick-or-treaters. The syringe was then unintentionally scooped up and put into the treat bag of a teenage girl. Wait, what happened?

They had some syringes fell into a candy bag. They put the candy into the treat bag of a girl and she got a syringe. Oh, but she still had the top on it. A teenage girl that was trick-or-treating? Yeah, right? This is exactly what she wanted. You could trick-or-treat at 13, 14. No.

Yeah, 13, 14 you could trick-or-treat. I did it. These guys are 13 and 15. 13 and 15. Ooh, getting shady. I was so tall growing up. How tall was I? Too big. When I was 10, I was denied candy by multiple houses because I thought I was an adult.

Maybe it's because you were fat. My God, the look on his face. It was so sad. That is a sad look on his face. It was so sad. That is a sad look on his face. A memory has pierced his thoughts just now. That's really sad. He still gives me candy, and I'm gigantic. I don't know.

You've got a boyish look, even though you have the beard and everything. Thank you. Where have you been getting your candy from? I'm a cherub type. I went to North Carolina. I went trick-or-treating, got some candy. Okay. You were with a child. I was trick-or-treating. Got some candy. Okay.

You were with a child. I was with a child, but the child was like, you know, I got my own candy. Was it your child? No, it was... Someone that you knew, though. Someone I knew. My goddaughter. Okay.

I was Chewbacca. She was Darth Vader. We can move on to the cat stories. That's cute. That's cute. Cat story's pretty much over. Oh, okay. That was it?

She got syringes. She got syringes, and the cat knocked it it in and, you know, now everyone's fine. Everyone's okay. It was a happy ending to that story. I would have shot it up. Whoa. Shot up the cat? No, if you get a syringe, see what happens.

Well, I don't think there's anything in the syringe. I wouldn't assume unless there was something in the syringe. No, there was nothing in the syringe. Insulin. Whoa. If you just start shooting up insulin, do you get hurt? Do you get bad? What?

You get bad? You get hurt? Yeah, unless you're a diabetic and you need it. And then if you take too much when you're a diabetic, you get, you know. What would it do to you if you weren't a diabetic? I think it would make you sick. It would lower your blood sugar, I imagine. What's insulin?

Sugar, basically. Is it just sugar? Oh, yeah,, I just put it in my mouth. Yeah, it's basically candy. Does it taste sweet? I thought it was just a sugar cart. Yeah, it helps you transport the sugar. Ed? I mean, as far as I know, when your sugar

is dropping, the insulin will help keep your sugar down when you eat carbs. Yeah, Kevin is right. It is a hormone that helps your body use sugar. Whatever. This is some medical stuff here.

Well, Barnett's really smart. He's a doctor, yeah. He could have been a sports doctor. I bet you'd have been a really good doctor, Kevin. You should have been a doctor. I'm a nice doctor, man. Just fucking black as fuck. I'd be preaching to them all the time about all types of shit. Like Ben Carson.

Starcraft. That's what black doctors do. We talk to our patients about Starcraft even when they don't want to hear it. I'll tell you what, that last story is me over. Come on. How much weed did you smoke before the show? Not enough, actually. No?

No. Nah. I got some. I could move on to a Florida story. I don't know. We could. I mean, Miami did just win. Yeah, yeah.

A woman is upset after, she claims, a restaurant in Sarasota kicked her and her family out for eating too many cry blegs at the advertised all-you-can-eat buffet. That happens a lot, actually. I disagree with the restaurant. Know your clientele. If it's all you can eat and they continue to eat, that's all they can't, they have not had all they can eat, I believe that they could sue for false

advertising. Then I would put a capper on it and say like amount of pounds of crab legs, sure, but if there's no cap on it. Or you can just lie and say you're out. He's like, I'm out. And you can just lie and say you're out. You can be like, I'm out. And then have them leave and then bring more out. Then eat some other stupid shit, and then once they leave, you put out more crab legs. I used to do this at Pizza Hut.

They had the unlimited all-you-can-eat $5.99 buffet. I remember that, sir. Yeah, they had the audacity. They tried to cut me and my friends off. Really? But no, we would argue a valid point. We gave $5.99. We did not tip.

But we didn't know that we had to. We were young. And we ate everything, including dessert pizza. That's what you get for dessert pizza. I learned in the restaurant business is that you lie to the customers as much as possible, as often as you can. And it really helps business. But also what I've learned about customer service is that if you tip the people that

are lying to you, you can get away with almost anything. As long as you tip well, you can do whatever you want. I learned that later in life. I tip extremely well before I even do anything. That's a thing. I just assume, I just give them 20 up top. 20 up top?

20 up top. That's aggressive, man. Good God. Yep. Well, it'll be a big deal. On an open bar, not like in a real bar situation. The open bar situation's interesting because you want to keep reminding them that you're tipping them. So I want to get that change back.

I had the situation happen recently where I gave a $5 tip. As a matter of fact, it was last night. We had drink tickets. The guy didn't see me tip the $5 tip. It's a bit Seinfeldian. You never see when I do it. You gotta wait. Yeah, but then he was just super upset the whole damn time.

He was like, I gave you the five bucks. I only got three drinks. And then I had to give him another ten bucks. And I oversell it, too, a little bit. I kind of, like, if I tip good, I'm very aware of that. And I give him way too much of, like, a happy look. And I think it pisses him off. I want to do, like, what the Saved by the Bell nerdy magician kid would do with the flowers.

Who would make them appear, but do that with a tip. That'd be kind of fun. I don't remember him. You don't remember him? No. Oh, he was in a few seasons. He worked at the Max. He was in love with...

I thought he was the owner of the Max. Was he the owner? Yeah, the owner of the Max was a magician. Yeah, that's it. The guy who was in Robin Hood. But he was in love with, not Jesse, but Kelly Kapowski. What?

Was he? No. Yes, he was. No. The owner of the Max was trying to bone zone Kelly Kapowski. What? Was it? Yes, he was. No. The owner of the Max was trying to bone zone Kelly Kapowski. He was a grown man. He was. Well, he was technically.

He was blinking in Robin Hood Men in Tights. Or whatever he might have been. In Saved by the Bell, he was trying to bone zone a high schooler named Kelly Kapowski because she was the coolest gal in town. I don't think that's true at all. Absolutely that's true. He would always try to war with the magic. Maybe it was Lisa Turtle that he wanted so badly.

She was my favorite. Lisa Turtle? Horrible name. Lars Voorhees. Crazy person. You don't remember Lisa Turtle? I don't know. I don't think so. I know Lars Voorhees though made Melancholia, Antichrist, great film director

but I don't remember. I think it's Lars Von Trier. Is that Lars Von Trier? No, Lars Voorhees is her name. Yeah, how do you not? Are the Dolphins going to the Super Bowl? Hold on. If they do, I make $580.

What? I'll tell you that much. Yeah, I put $20 on them. You make $580? Just to go to the Super Bowl, not to win. That's how little people believe. I know. I put $20 on them, and I'm going to win $580.

But if they do, I get $580. You're in the money. $580. I'll have to look up a Google search. I don't have a good remember- You don't remember Lisa. She was the only non-white person. Every episode.

Oh, her name was Lisa Turtle? Yeah, the one that Screech wanted to pork. Oh, right, which was very uncomfortable. Why? Screech just wanted some. Screech was a little bit of a pervert, but they were all kind of strange. He's in prison. Yeah.

Right now? Yeah, he stabbed a dude. No, I don't think that he's in prison. No, I think he's out of jail now. And he stabbed a dude sort of rightfully, so he was trying to pick up his girlfriend in Grafton, Wisconsin. On Christmas. On Christmas.

But, you know, I'm pretty sure he's back in jail. Well, either way, the owner of the Max was trying to have sex with Kelly Kopowski. Back me up on that, Marcus. What? What about, I was reading the Wikipedia entry for Lisa Turtle. All right, what does that say? She's a girl. She once admired

Screech's nobility when he abdicated his position as the class valedictorian in favor of Jesse Spano, who had a slightly lower grade point average than he did, but valued the position more. Really? What kind of message is that sending? She just wants it more, even though

he's smarter, but he gave it up. Controversial writing by the bell ingrained in all of our minds right now. A very special episode. I kind of want to make a TV show, which will never happen, called A Very Special Episode, where every episode is a very special episode. What are those episodes about? Abortion, AIDS. Kind of a lighthearted teen pregnancy.

Go through Bs. You're already in the A's. What happens in the Bs? Breasts being augmented. There's the Columbus Day episode. What's that about? That's about how we're actually supposed to respect Indians, but instead we...

Native Americans, actually. Please, Native American appreciation. They're from India. Oh, you're talking about actual Indians. Cocaine epidemics. Cocaine epidemics. Yes. Those are good.

Snakes in the toilet. That'll be a very special episode. Guy gets his fucking ass chewed out. Sorry about the pipeline, Gandhi. Every time that Forrest Gump music plays, you know it's going to be the end of this fucking episode. Someone's going to get their ass chewed. Ass chewed by a snake, by a talking snake. You ever have rats in a toilet, though?

No. No, man. It's rough. What are you talking from? Growing up in Queens, in the basement, we had to keep a paint can on top of the toilet bowl. And I never knew why. And I went down there to go to the bathroom. And I'm going to the bathroom.

And I felt something on my ass. And there was a huge rat in the toilet. Peeking through your pussy? Yeah, that was like, no, that was like coming out. And his nose touched my, like, my ass cheek. Whoa. Jackie, we've been doing this show for seven years. How was this episode one?

That should be the first thing you say when you meet people. Rats in the toilet. Because I was so young, they didn't tell me why there was a paint can on the toilet. So did the rat eat your shit? No. Well, yeah, I think so because I freaked out and I put the paint can back on the toilet lid and then my mom had to deal with it. Had you already shit by the time the rat had poked up?

I think it was just, no, I was just pissing. Okay. I just went down there to piss. So I don't know what happened. I know I pissed on a rat. Yeah, you pissed on a rat, and he tried to escape. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you made him sit in the piss.

I made him sit in the piss. And I did flush the toilet, but I think he lived and stayed in there. I think the victim's the rat. It seems like a rough day for the piss. And I did flush the toilet, but I think he lived and stayed in there. I think the victim's the rat. It seems like a rough day for the rat. He's just living out in Queens, having a hell of a time. Has anyone else here urinated on a mammal? I don't think so.

That wasn't by choice, though. That sounds like I did it out of a fetish thing. But you can't act like it's not an achievement. I mean, you're right. I guess I am proud of myself. I pissed on ants. Like a bunch of ants. I pissed on you're right. I guess I am proud of myself. I pissed on ants. Like a bunch of ants. I pissed on an anthill.

Yeah. We've all done that. Oh, I think I've probably done that while camping or something. I don't remember. What do you think is not fun? I don't know. I don't have a penis. Are you kidding me?

It's the barrel of monkeys. I can't direct my piss. So what did you do then? It nubbed you. It nipped your little butt there. I mean, it didn't bite my ass. I just felt its nose and I didn't know what it was.

It was a kiss. I think a rat kissed my ass. And I guess I think that made me princess of trash forever. Did you finish pissing? I was already done pissing. Oh, you were done pissing. Thank Christ. You know, you want some Pussy Pop.

Yeah, you were just like, yeah, you were already done pissing. Yeah, I had a Calvin and Hobbes book in there. Okay. There you go. Not a Garfield book. Fucking fascinating. No, the Garfield books were in the bathroom upstairs in the normal bathroom. The Calvin and Hobbes books were downstairs.

The Garfield books are for company. Yeah, I think that's disgusting. Calvin and Hobbes is a bit controversial. The magazines, the books behind the public toilet is disgusting. I always have stuff in my bathroom to read. I will always, forever. We've got Playboys. We've got Cosmos.

I got food magazines. Anything you want. And I flip them out. You got good stuff in your bathroom. I always have a good time when I got poo-poo there. Take a little sponge, though. Take a little swab of it. I mean, it's got to be covered in human dookie.

It is. That's why you wash your hands when you're done going to the bathroom. Yeah. Yeah, everything you do in the bathroom's got shit. You got shit all over the place. That's why you got to put your toothbrush in your medicine cabinet because the little poo-poo particles, they fly out. Poo-poo particles.

I go overboard, man. I put the toothbrush inside of a plastic container inside the medicine cabinet. Wow. I keep it in my bedroom. I don't even want the toothbrush in the bathroom. Ben, you eat on the toilet I do I love eating on the toilet

because I just put the food I put whatever I don't want you put it in the toilet and flush it down instant flush but magazines are a no go yeah I mean I'm not asking somebody to finish what I ate. I don't leave my leftovers behind the toilet.

You read that whole Bill Simmons book, right? I read a lot of a Bill Simmons book, yeah. That was in your bathroom? Yes, but that was not to be shared. No, you had that Jon Stewart book in your bathroom for years. The America book. I love that book. Yeah.

Great book. I've gotten throw up almost on that book before. Yep. God, how many times I puked in that book. I've gotten throw up almost on that book before. Yep. God, how many times I puked in that total. How many times a person, human being is thrown up in that old bathroom. I feel like I got to know it. The bathroom of which you still have, Ben. Let's count. Let's say.

I'd say still not as much as the woman who died in there weeks before we moved in. That's true. She probably threw up in there a lot. And pissed blood and all sorts of fun stuff. Which would be a very special episode. Old Woman Pisses Blood will be episode 14 of a very special episode. Can I play the old woman?

Absolutely not. You're not old, baby. Okay, you can audition. Oh no! It's coming out of my heart. Can I make some adjustments? Yes. Kevin, you got any notes for Jackie?

Oh, notes on the voice? I think it was perfect in every way. Thank you. Yeah, I really support her. It's just so good to have you back. She's not going to get any better if you keep placating her. Listen, I'm all about love now, man. I live in Los Angeles.

They call it king Love out there. My heart grew three sizes. Princess of trash. Do you care about things now, Kevin? Oh, yeah, man. I get up every morning, I look at the goddamn sun, I'm like, life is beautiful. He cried when the Cubs won. Yeah. Wow. I've turned a new leaf, man.

What do you care about? All types of things. I care about trees and leaves and birds and Mexicans and everybody. Oh, that's too far. I love them all. What'd you do with the old leaf? The leaf? I kept them. I kept old leaves so I can reflect on them.

You know what I'm saying? Life is about growth, guys. Here's what I'm saying. I'm glad you didn't understand. It's about growth. I've been playing Ratchet and Clank. It makes me very happy. Have you discovered any new birds out there?

I haven't seen too many new birds. I feel like I know them all. That's the only thing I get sad about is I don't got no new birds. You've met all the birds. Yeah, I know them all. You peaked earlier on your bird knowledge. Exactly. That's the one thing that brings me down every single day.

But you know what keeps me up? The sun. It's a wild place out there. LA. Well, we still got this story of the crab legs and the all-you-can-eat buffet. Yeah, I think that

if you stay away from the butter, I think you can house quite a bit of crab legs. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I could take down. Lord knows. It's a bad all-you-can-eat.

No, the butter helps it go down. No, but it fills you up. But if you lay off of it, you can get more in. It's liquid butter, though. Yeah, that's the thing. That's going to lubricate it more. That's true. I can eat crabs and crawfish and shrimp and scallops

forever. It just doesn't... I can't stop. Oysters, clams. Yeah. They'll just keep going down. We got some crab labs. Crab labs is how I want to say that lately.

We got a bunch when we were in Jacksonville, Florida. Fucking delicious, man. Yeah. Goddamn butter. Well, Tracy Clarenson was at the Oriental Buffet off of Bee Ridge Road on Sunday night. I think they need to think about their name before they start taking away the crab legs. Oriental is still fine if you're describing, say, rugs or food or anything like that.

Food? Good point, Ed. Very politically correct of you. You can change anyone's argument. Just say it in the right way. Food? Yuck, yuck, Ed Larson. No, I don't think so.

They were there on Sunday night. Tuck, tuck. Barnett is in town. Am I a fuck boy? Nah. You don't have the haircut. They were there for their son or her son's seventh birthday because it's his favorite place to eat. And this woman claims that her other son, who's 11, was approached by an employee.

Tracy said, we were actually finishing up with our meal toward the end of the meal. And my son came back and told me that he was told he couldn't have any more crab legs because he ate too many. I would be so pissed if that were my son, too. I was just like, you can't have crab legs. Right? Yeah. I would tell you about the time when I was a kid, I got kicked out of a Ponderosa buffet. No, you didn't tell us about that.

I was eating marshmallows right out of the thing. Right by the Sunday bar. Yeah. So I was just eating the marshmallows right out. I thing. Right by the Sunday bar. Yeah, so I was just eating the marshmallows right out. I had a couple straight out of there. And then I made myself a meal, and I went back, and then the waiter followed me back, and he said, I'm sorry, everyone at this table, you all have to leave because he was eating straight from the buffet.

And put it at me and embarrassed me and made my whole family leave. That's so aggressive, man. You would think he'd just be like, don't do that. A Ponderosa. Yeah. A Ponderosa did that to me. Unbelievable. Can you believe that?

I love Ponderosa. I would get so much of their nacho cheese and their nachos. Those little ham squares are great. Oh, yeah. Ponderosa was the best. Why'd they shut down? I think everyone- Well, for these fucking Nazi tactics they're floating around.

That's why. Were you beaten for that? No. I think I was actually fine. I think everyone understood why I did it. Because they look so good. Yeah, they were different colored marshmallows. I remember that.

I never put them on my soft serve ice cream, though. I never liked the marshmallow on the ice cream. I put them on the side, though. I eat the fuck out of them. Yeah, I was more of a sprinkles kid. I like gummy bears in the ice cream. I put them on the side, though. I eat the fuck out of them. Yeah, I'm a sprinkles kid. I like gummy bears in the ice cream. They get so hard. I don't like the gummy bears in the ice cream.

Yeah. Wow, there's still a fair amount of Ponderosas around. Are there any in Florida still? Oh, no. Yes, there is one in... Two in Orlando. Yeah, there's two outside of Orlando, and they're, strangely enough, within about a mile of each other.

Oh, man, it's funny. One of them's next to Celebration, which is the... The creepy Disney village. Disney, the place where it's owned by Disney. None of them can have facial hair, even though they don't even work for Disney. You know, there was a murder in Celebration a couple years ago. I bet they covered it all up. Really?

Yeah, there was a murder. Someone a couple years ago. I bet they covered it all up. Really? Yeah, there was a murder. Someone shot someone in the garage or something. Oh, interesting. All of their grass has to be the same length. BTK, buying, torture, kill. Dennis Rader, that's what he had to happen in Wichita, Kansas as well. I don't trust anybody who requires uniform grass length. No.

Yeah. That's my man. Out of your lawn. grass length. No. Yeah. That's my man. Out of your lawn. Thank you. Wow. Out of your wallet. Press secretary. Out of your lawn.

Out of your... Dick. Womb. Now you're the press secretary, Jackie. Yes. What in the Lord knows? Yeah. Executive decision.

All right. Big, big, huge controversy just happened. Ben may or may not have said some offensive things. What are we saying, Jackie? Ben Kissel is not a liar. And I think that everyone that heard him say anything like that is a liar. And fuck everybody else. Because you know who my one true king is?

Ben Kissel. My womb says it, my fingers say it, and my eyes say it. Always three. It's always three. It's always got to be three. It has to be three. Thank you, Jackie. My womb, my fingers, my eyes.

Marcus, BP, do you? I mean, I stand by my running mate's decisions for the most part. I mean, of course, we're not going to agree on everything. You know, we're still two separate. We're still people. My running mate's decisions, for the most part. I mean, of course, we're not going to agree on everything. You know, we're still two separate people. We're still people. We're still two separate people. You know, it's not like we're married or anything. Although sometimes it kind of seems like it is.

Not in our America. Right, guys? People say that Mattressgate really brought a rift between the two of you. I mean, there was an absolute division in what we believed should be done with the Casper mattress. There's no doubt. There's absolutely no doubt about that. It's still rolled up in a corner, right?

Some people are still very upset that it is still rolled up in a corner outside of the box, but not being used in any capacity whatsoever. I cannot believe you didn't give me the mattress. What goes through the mind of a man? I offered you $250 for it. I had to go spend. I spent $1,200. I got a whole new bed that's up and running.

It's wonderful. I got new sheets. It's great. I spent $1,200. That's great. You stimulated the economy. It was $75 for a mattress you didn't give a fuck about. You're still not using it.

This is exactly why no one will vote for you. Hey, man. Everyone's coming together, and that's what I like to see. Marcus Sparks, 2024. There you go. Whoa. There you go. Don't come at me with that, Marcus Sparks.

Don't come at him with that. Don't come at me with that. All right. Well, the Casper mattress is doing just fine. It is in your living room. It's doing fine. It's not a man. It's a mattress.

It is a mattress. It is hard to sleep on a mattress made out of fucking ghosts. It is. And that's one of the problems with it. Even if they're friendly. No, Jackie. Very good. Thank you.

At some point, I will get you a Casper mattress. Did you get a new mattress? No. I had my bets were set on fucking getting a good, cheap mattress. She sleeps on Doug on the floor. Yeah. And he is so comfortable. I'll put the $200.

Kiss will sell it to you. $200. For the Casper mattress? But you have to deliver it to my house. No, it actually is on my bed now. Oh, it is on the bed. It is on the bed. I want to see a picture of it.

Is it on top of your old bed? I want to see it in your room with sheets on it with you having slept in it for me to believe it. So do you have a mattress on top of a mattress on top of the floor? Is that how you sleep? I have a Casper mattress in my apartment, and the Casper mattress is a bed. It is very obtuse. That is very obtuse. So we are getting there.

So you sleep on a mattress on a floor? No, it's not on his bed. He's not sleeping on it. It's in his living room. It's in his living room. There's no denying that the Casper mattress is a bed. I want the photo. And there's no denying that it's in my apartment.

I want the photo. Send us the photo. Facebook wants the photo. Everybody on the wall this week, demand the photo from I want the photo. Send us the photo. Facebook wants the photo. Everybody on the wall this week, demand the photo from Ben Kissel. We deserve to know. We'll do it. All right, now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. We bullshitted our way through so much of an episode today, and it feels good.

I think we only got through two stories. Am I right? Two stories. Barely. Damn, man. I'll tell you what. The whole time, I was on the edge of my seat. Bit of a thrill ride.

And this thrill ride is going to thrill us to the death of us. How will Marcus Parks go to pee pee? That is the segment demanded. It's just that? Yes. How do you pee pee in the potty? How do you pee pee in the potty? I'm sorry, the body. How do you pee pee in the pot? Oh, I forgot how do I pee pee in the bus to be some kind of hook?

If you want to include a hook in your answer you want if you want a blues traveler this thing you do it Sorry, that's my answer. Jackie gets it? Yeah. John Popper actually broke a bunch of toilets. Did he? And that's why he lost the weight. Did he really?

Yeah, I think he broke two toilets and he got really sad and that's why he lost the weight. I'm going to believe you on that. You've broken at least two chairs at my house. Yeah, I've broken hundreds of chairs in my life. You have really bad chairs, though. Lots of people have broken chairs in your house. I, I've broken hundreds of chairs in my life. You have really bad chairs, though. Lots of people have broken chairs in your house. I like that they are uneasy. You really buy the worst chairs.

Out of anyone I've ever known, in Kitzel's defense, you really get the worst chairs. We don't buy the chairs. We find the chairs on the street, then we bring them up to the roof. You do not do that. Like a month before I left, I had a day off, and I was real excited. So I set out. I went. You know, I got myself some mangoes, cut up the mangoes, had myself a nice little salsa

water. I made some iced coffee. I had a whole little setup. I put it all on the stoop. And I came down. I brought my speakers down. I set the whole thing up. I was real excited.

And I put a chair down there. And I sat down. And as soon as I sat on the chair, it just disintegrated. And then I just got back up and put my stuff back in the house and went to sleep. You lost man. Yeah I lost completely. So how will Marcus go pee pee in the potty? Well the potty will be.

What kind of potty is it? Is it a urinal or is it a normal toilet? I'm going with a little inflatable kiddie pool. Is it a urinal or is it a normal toilet? I'm going with a little inflatable kiddie pool. You're going to sit in the kiddie pool and you're going to pee pee that way. Like a wet birth. You know what I'm saying? You're going to sit immersed in water.

We're going to have a tiny tray. It's going to have Snickers ice cream bars on it. Can they be regular Snickers? I'm afraid not. They're going to be ice cream bar Snickers. Okay. I didn't like the ice cream bar Snickers. What? I don't really to be ice cream bar Snickers. Okay. I didn't like the ice cream bar Snickers. What?

I don't really like the ice cream bar Snickers either. I don't really like the ice cream Snickers either. Ed, what world am I living in? They don't like Snickers ice cream bars. I don't know why anyone's ever like. I like the Reese's one. I like the Reese's one. What?

Snickers is great, man. The ice cream bar Snickers is the greatest. It's better than everything. I don't like ice cream bars in general. I'd rather have just like man. The ice cream bar Snickers is the greatest. It's better than everything. I don't like ice cream bars in general. I'd rather have just a bunch of ice cream. But if you're going to eat an ice cream bar, it's the greatest ice cream bar you can eat. An ice cream sandwich is the greatest ice cream bar.

A cookie sandwich? Yeah. I don't like when people describe food as fun, but when I bite into a Snickers ice cream bar, I make an exception. Now that is a commercial that I will buy and. And I'll tell you what, Kevin. That is a commercial that I will buy and bake. I'll tell you what, Kevin.

First, they came for Heathcliff, and I said nothing. You did say a lot. Then they came for Snickers ice cream bars. I said nothing. What's next? The juice market. All right. So Snickers ice cream bars, love them or hate them, they're going to be there.

If you want to eat them, you don't have to eat them. They're going to be soup anyway because you're outside in a fucking kiddie pool. It might be cold. Oh, in Texas. No, it'll be nice and warm. No, no, no. We just plated them right when he sat down. We're getting into semantics, Seth.

So he's going to eat a bunch of ice cream bars? He can if he wants to. He's going to pee pee in a kiddie pool? He can if he wants to That wouldn't make any sense And there'll be a laugh track playing Alright Kevin You know it's simple man

From the back go ahead and have fun with it From the back? What do you mean like sit backwards on the toilet and pee pee? No no no You crouch a little bit You gotta slap your dick down and just let it spray backwards It's gonna keep coming back up, but just slap it down Yeah, I mean it does sound like I'm having fun with it. Yeah, have you guys been leaning back and taking shits?

This is my new thing You gotta take a shit you want to relax you lean back on the back of the toilet seat and Sometimes goes up above the water so you gotta, you know, hope that the water gets it down. But I'm telling you, it flows like wine. I don't even know what you're talking about. You lean back against the toilet seat as you're taking a shit.

I do lean back. I fill up the entire toilet. I touch every part of it when I sit on it. I don't. I usually imperch. And so if you lean back, it lets it flow. Yeah, I might throw on that. I should find, yeah. I don't know. Ben, how do I go pee-pee in the potty?

How do you go pee-pee in the potty? Well, I don't know, Marcus, with a lot of confidence. You know, I would say we'll do a little lottery type thing where we'll put a series of chips in there. They all have a monetary value to them from $1 to $100. There's also one that will get you a Casper mattress. What? Who's going to wet his bed? One of them floats. And so after you do pee-pee in the potty you flush it down whichever one floats

That's your reward. So it's pretty it's actually pretty that is a lot Even doing really good at these Really? Thank you so much. It just matters that you try and it's nice Jackie Jack, I'm thinking of more of a gentleman's peepee in the potty Jackie. Jackie. I'm thinking of more of a gentleman's pee-pee in the potty, whereas you take off your top hat and wherever you decide to lay your pee-pee in the potty

is where it shall lay. However, I'm thinking of a more fortified top hat so you're able to sit a poncet and fit your dick inside of it. And while you sit inside of it, you have to put down your cane and you have your maidens bring you at least one to two roasted geese. And also maybe some, is it called gelt? What is that?

You know, the, Ed, the Jew money, the chocolate Jew money. Eddie is Jewish. Can we clarify, Eddie? Can you nullify everything that Jackie says with the I am Jewish statement that is required? I'm going to be Jewish. My father's Jewish, but she's fine. She hasn't really offended me at all. We get to have a bar mitzvah for Eddie.

I can't wait for this night. Wait, no. Gimel is what the thing when you spin the dreidel. What is the actual thing? Oh, the get. The get. That's what it is. You know, gimel is when you get more of it shekels oh the get the get that's what it is you know gimmels when you get more of it when you play yes you get the get so um i i that you get to open up

your golden coins of chocolate and eat that after you eat your goose while you take your piss inside of your top hat and then afterwards you have handmaidens pull up your chaps refasten all of your straps give you your cane and your monocle and then you're on your way beautiful Ed Larson the Hebrew death star what do you got for us I mean it's easy I'm just going to placate to you Marcus don't say bones

no bones allowed no holes allowed it's a head of a human it's painted like John Wayne Gacy. His mouth is open. You pee until a fucking balloon pops. It just sounds lazy. It just sounds defeated and lazy.

It sounds pretty lazy. It's pretty great, but, you know, I don't know. Lottery. It sounds pretty good. Are you fucking kidding me? You won last week. Out of your room, out of your room, out of your wallet. Thank you guys so much. Out of my fingers, out of your room, out of your wallet.

Thank you guys so much. Into my fingers and into my eyes. If you're the results of this shit, I would say I changed my pitch to you pee in the toilet through Ben's Casper mattress. You just wring it out into the water. Shots fired, shots fired, shots fired. That sounds like a lot of work. You know what, everyone? Just go to the A.

Wait, no, this is the real. What show is this? Is this his last podcast? Is this page seven? Is it Sex and the Human Activities? Ron Tabla Johnson. Oh, this is Ron Tabla Johnson. Go to the Facebook page. Let us know. What do you think about Heathcliff? What do you think about Garfield? Normal? Eat the cat. Eat the cat? That's my

vote. Get on Facebook and vote. He's on there. There's an actual vote. There's a voting thing? There's an actual vote on Facebook. I voted for Garfield. Yeah. He voted for Garfield? I voted for Heathcliff. Is's an actual vote. There's a voting thing? There's an actual vote on Facebook. I voted for Garfield. Yeah. He voted for Garfield? I voted for Heathcliff. Is he?

And Felix the Cat's on there three times. Is there anything to plug for anybody? Wizard and the Bruiser. Yes. Listen. Brighter Side. Rate, review. Brighter Side.

Fantastic episode recently about the election. We can talk about page seven, which was nothing about the election whatsoever. Fantastic. We talked about pining romance story. Right? Let's not think about this fucking bullshit anymore. There you go. All right.

Bird Luger for president, man. I'm running against Kissel. Whoa. Luger for president. My platform. Yeah. My platform is more birds. Fuck with me.

Well, I'm against birds Whoa Against birds, you're against dinosaurs Yeah, you don't like enchantment? No, we're just constantly held hostage By the possibility of them Dumping on our heads when we're just trying to go to work That's a stereotype

You know what I'd like to plug? I'd like to plug Hacksaw Ridge Was awesome A major motion picture with millions and millions of dollars behind it. It was great. It was so good. It was awesome. Without you, Eddie, that movie would have never been made.

And I really liked Arrival as well. But everything else can go fucking doo-doo in the pee-pee. I'll plug video games in general. Video games are pee-pee. Okay, we got to get out of here. You ever use cards? I like cards. Goodbye.

Talk to you soon. Solitaire. Peace. Play it by yourself. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.