The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 306: Mattressgate

Episode Date: November 23, 2016

The gang investigates further into the Mattressgate scandal, learns about an economy that facilitates a blow job to nacho exchange rate, and debates which cartoon characters would make the best Thanksgiving guests.

The round table. Gentlemen. Aye. Let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the hour.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Yeah, that's good to go. We're all good to go, man. All right, welcome to the show. How do we start this one? Marcus Prez.

Yes, thank Christ. I thought it was going to be me. Woo! Fuck you, Marcus. You fucking man. Gross idiot. Oh, next week, I'm feeling sick. Oh, my fucking balls.

Thank you, Lord, for the wonders. That is Iron Brew, Scotland's number one soft drink that an Intrepid fan brought me all the way from London. It makes me feel happy. It gives me a lot of energy and it tastes like old bubble gum. Alright. I don't think

Intrepid fan? Intrepid. Like a warship? The Intrepid. Just Intrepid. Like a warship? The Intrepid. Just Intrepid. He is full of trep. Is that why they named it that? I don't know. I have no idea what the hell that term means.

Intrepid. He's full of spunk. I don't know. Well, it's insane. Full of jizz. He's a very spunky boy. Okay. Jizzy.

All right. Leave it alone, would you? That's fine. So this is the round table. Great prayer, Marcus. Thank you. Powerful. I don't know why I'm great at stuff like that. I don't know if God really created that soft drink, but that's fine.

It's the number one. It beats Coca-Cola in Scotland. Scotland is the only country in the world where Coca-Cola is not the number one soft drink. In Scotland, it is Iron Brew. There it is. They also eat blood. Yep, a lot of it, and a lot of it. Really?

Oh, my God, when I was there, you can't not get blood. You're Scottish. Oh, yeah. I mean, I eat blood, but, you know, I didn't think it was like a national standard. I thought I was a bit just being a little vampy with it. No, you people are into it. Oh, and so, yeah, you go drunk eating, you know, which is, there was the deep fried fish store right by our hotel there when we went on tour over there, and it's nothing but blood. I think it's an old tradition from when the English used to take all their food, and their women, and then they would have to eat each other's blood.

I don't know if that's true. You think it's an old tradition? I was laying in my bed last night with my lady, as you do, snuggling, cuddling, and I thought to myself, do you really get power from someone's brain or blood if you eat them? No, people are actually doing that. They just found out there was a study involving mice where mice are becoming younger if they get injected with young mice blood. That's a fact. People are doing it all over the place. That's what's keeping Henry Kissinger and David Rockefeller alive.

Youthful blood. This is a good no abortions. There it is. There you go. All this blood we could be harvesting. We could be harvesting so much blood out of your closet.

Out of your locker. Right in your womb. Right in your womb. Right in your womb. So it is a pro-life thing. To get the baby's blood. Yeah, we raise blood babies. Yeah, we raise blood babies. You hook them up.

BBBs. Give me your BBBs. I'll turn them around. I'll flip them like houses, baby. We're getting young from the blood, having a young blood party. You know what I'm saying? How many pints of blood are in a baby? That's a good question for Marcus to answer using Google.

Seven? I got seven. I think the average person has seven ounces of blood. I think I can swim in the tub of your blood. The average newborn baby has approximately one cup of blood. That's it? One cup? One delicious cup.

One Dixie cup? What kind of cup are we talking? A measurement cup. Like in cooking. Oh, we need one cup of flour. That's how much blood a baby got. I wish it was like that little general that was on Conan's desk. Remember Conan O'Brien?

Yeah, his little mug. It was a general. I wish it was that cup. What happened to the mug? Was it owned by NBC and he had to give it up? I have no idea. I think they were like, be less funny. And he's like, I'll start by getting rid of the

mug. I love that mug. Remember that mug? Kind of. I love that mug. I know the mug you're talking about. And by the way, Ed, you have anywhere between 10 and 12 pints of blood. Fuck yes. Yes. Hell yeah. I would say you have on the 12th side. Two cups per pint. And we do have

some people listening in studio. I have 24 babies of blood in me. That's a lot. Well, if you put it like that, it's kind of creepy. I mean, I think Egg's so fucking big, he can fill up a water park with all his fucking blood. Oh, man, I'll fucking guzzler. He'll set the room.

Where's the room? I love it. Yeah. You can't sell shit problems. You look ugly. major health scares for him in the future god that was a fucking funny joke you were like it's so big you can fill up a water park that fat piece of shit all right well let's just be friends again we don't need to be too offensive towards it we don't need to fat shame anybody you could imagine how much blood that

would be it'd be like the fucking elevator in The Shining. He's so fucking... That's reasonable. That's a reasonable amount of blood. That's a reasonable amount of blood. It's all roots. That's like, you know, 40 babies of blood. That is more than 40 babies of blood. Oh, man.

Alright, Ed Larson is here. We didn't do the intro yet. How you doing, Ed? I'm here. How you doing? What's going on, man? Oh, hey. No Jackie. No Jackie. Jackie is a ghost to us. She's dead to us. No, she's not dead to us. Can we at least publicly say a roundtable right now since she's not here that she is a liar and she is a cheat?

Why? I'm just throwing it out there. What do you mean? I don't know. In modern media, we make accusations. No, that's not true. Yes, it is. Well, that is sadly true.

But what is she lying about? I don No, that's not true. Yes, it is. Well, that is sadly true, but what is she lying about? I don't think she should cheat. Ben Kissel robbed four gas stations when he was a teenager. I did do that. Yeah, see? There you go. Corruption. We all know about Ben's crimes.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Welcome to the show. You forgot your shout-outs. I can see it in your eyes. I can see it in your fucking eyes. It's not that. I did it as a Thanksgiving ode to you guys that you can be thankful.

Next week, though, would be the- So many more, yes. There'll be more, but Thanksgiving will be over, so you will be punished. The December punishment. This does not bode well for your Round Table of the Year nomination. Are you fucking with me? I did not rob four gas stations. If you did, it might be more likely to get nominated.

What? I don't know. You have a strange nomination process. It's not me. It's the people. It's you, Eddie. Everyone knows it's you. It's the people. I've had some people call me up and poll me on round table of the year. I've already got it. Yes, they're very active. The red states.

All four red states called me. Well, everything's a red state nowadays, but yes. Okay. Ed, you have 54.85 penises worth of blood in your system. Wow. That's amazing. I love that. How many pussies?

But how do they, I mean, each penis is different. Well, each penis averaged 3.5 ounces of blood. Now, is this a hard cock or something? Hard cock. You have 54 hard cocks in your body right now. And how much is a baby? Because I just, for reference, I want to know penis to baby weight. Hard cocks and a baby.

So there's, how many ounces are in a cup? 16? Six ounces. Eight ounces. You do have a live studio audience and they've given us an answer. Eight ounces in a cup. Okay, so that means that a baby has approximately three penises worth of blood in its body. Wow.

Three red card penises. That's quite a few penises of blood. I don't know if this is how we should talk. Well, we've already done the chicken thing. A person asked how many chickens was that? We don't even want to go down that rabbit hole. We'll be counting cock. I'm done with it.

Everything is related to that thing there. Counting cock. One big boinga boinga boinga. Two boinga boinga boinga. I just have to say, this jumbo shrimp song's really taken off. What Jumbo Shrimp song? We are the Jumbo Shrimp, here to play a game.

I love it. We are the Jumbo Shrimp, here to play a game. Oh, my God, let's go to Bubba Gump. Yeah, yeah, because the Jacksonville baseball team has now changed their name to the Jumbo Shrimp. What Jacksonville baseball team? Okay, yeah, you weren't here that week. The Jacksonville Suns, the minor league baseball team, they just

changed their name to the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp. What a great idea. Many people have been commenting to me on Facebook, and it's always in all caps when they say the lines of the song, and they say I can't get it out of my head. Jackie texted me last night completely

randomly, just, we are the Jumper Tribune of the game. It's really sinking into the hearts and minds of the American people. Much like a certain issue we're having with a certain mattress bin. Oh my god. 400

voices, the sounds of angry men marching down the street demanding a photo of the mattress in use. There might be a photo of the mattress. Oh, I want in use, sir. Well, this was taken this morning. At my apartment? At your apartment. Is there someone?

Oh! Travis Irvine! You fucking ratty man! I made this book right now! Unbelievable! You schmuck! You betrayer! You unholds booth!

If he didn't have a soul, you were awful, Travis. The mattress rolled on him In front of his door All he has to do is place it on top of his already used mattress The mean spirited nature of this attack For those of you who don't know For those of you who don't know Ben was given a Casper A free Casper mattress

A free Casper mattress Because of one of our sponsorship deals It took me weeks to get him to take it home Weeks upon weeks took me weeks to get him to take it home. Weeks upon weeks, if not months, to get him to take it home. And it's not tucked away. It's in the way. He has to actively walk around it. And now his Casper mattresses are rolled up into a plastic bag,

and you cut them open, and they get big. And it's sitting there in his room, and he took it home specifically. Next to his room. Next to his room specifically so Jackie could not have it. Untrue. All of those accounts are untrue. First of all, Travis pays rent late. That's important to remember.

That's important to remember. I am always on time. It is the goodness of my heart that allows that to occur. Can we all appreciate it? We all appreciate it. And it's not the mattress. Can we all appreciate how good I look first thing in the morning? You do look pretty good.

And that's both your roommates sold you out because someone had to take the picture. Yeah. Well, no, that was Ed. I took the picture. Oh. We had an early meeting. You scoundrel. Unbelievable.

I welcome you into my home. And you know what? We're all getting to the door because your big ass didn't wake up. Oh, well. That's fine. I didn't wake up because I was sleeping on the world's most comfortable mattress.

Oh, not a Casper? No. Oh. Oh. No, no. The Casper mattress. Oh, his microphone fell. All right, leave it alone.

It's a sign of lies. Unbelievable. That's not the Casper mattress. That's a whole different mattress. That's a canister. That's a barrel. Everyone is... What is wrong with you people?

Everyone is going to shit their pants on Facebook tomorrow thank you so much serendipity for that fucking wonderful photo yeah i'm sending it to you right now holden that is so much that's pathetic well it's a lie it's a that's a liberal media lie so travis is here hey all right roommate travis thanks for helping with the evidence, buddy. Yeah, what the hell, dude? Matches. Matches. It's nothing sacred anymore.

Can I just have an apartment? In Travis's defense, I made him get in the picture. I was going to take it without it, but it wasn't as fun. It's not as good. Yeah. Unbelievable. The look on Travis's face says the words hundreds of men and women around the country are shouting nay around the world.

This is a worldwide global podcast. Mattressgate is real. Mattressgate will not stop. I will go to that. I think we all should meet in front of the mattress tomorrow morning and chant our words. Chant. What words? Give us the mattress.

Give anyone else the mattress. I don't have 200 bucks for it. You would have given it to me. You didn't mattress. I don't have 200 bucks for it. You would have given it to me. You didn't offer. You don't have 200 bucks. I spent 1,200 on a beautiful mattress because of you. You have a great mattress. Now I do because I fucking fell shell out the money for it.

And you're lucky Jackie isn't here because, oh, fuck, dude. Jackie only offered me 75 bucks. She low-balled me. It's a $1,300 mattress. Sitting in the corner collecting dust. That's a barrel. That's not the mattress. At the very least, he took it out of the box.

At the very least, he took it out of the box. Let's move on. I just want to say that I was the one who took it out of the box because I was like, what the hell's in this box? Unbelievable. Alright, well I take it back. I take back my at least statement. But it is true.

That's not true. That's a Travis Irvine line. That's the problem is we do have to remember that Travis is always late on his rent, so you can only kind of take all his ads. He's always late on his rent. I am always early on my rent.

No, that's not true. I write him checks before I leave town. I leave it right on the Apple TV, and then you're like, oh, I can't find this check. Is it under this mattress that I'm not going to use? That's you, man. Unbelievable, Travis. And to think

I thought you were my roommate slash friend slash person who wouldn't take a picture of a lie. I was so hungover and Ed was like, hey, stand right there and point at that thing. He is 50 dicks worth of a man. I understand it's tough.

54.8. 54.8 dicks of a man. People say it is the sound of angry men. All right. Very good. Well, Travis is here. Yeah, so Jackie is busy. Kevin's out of town.

Holden's here. Travis is here. Marcus is here. I'm here. So that's all good. I got a story. Leten's here. Travis is here. Marcus is here. I'm here. So that's all good. I got a story. Let's do it. An Ohio woman arrested in a prostitution sting told

an undercover cop that her price for oral sex was 50 bucks and a plate of nachos. I like it. As detailed in a Beaver Police Department report. What was that? Good town of Beaver. Beaver, Ohio. Beaver, Ohio? Prostitution sting in Beaver, Ohio. Beaver, Ohio?

Prostitution, sing, and beaver, Ohio. Wow. They just did that as a joke. No, that happened. There's a big beaver problem in Argentina right now. They're killing them by the thousands. There's a beaver? They're having beaver calls in Argentina?

There's 100,000 beavers running around fucking ripping Argentina apart, and there's a call to murder all the beavers in Argentina. There's a whole Wikipedia page just for beaver eradication in Tierra del Fuego. Why? Yeah, no, they're causing a ruckus. But beavers are fine. All they do is talk funny. Not 100,000 of them.

I love 100,000 beavers. I have no problem with that. Listen, this isn't a Miami Dolphins football game where they're all good guys wearing cool clothes. It's Beavers turned on trees. What the hell are you talking about? What are you saying right now? How did you get 100,000 people down there?

But how did you pivot to the Dolphins? Because I'm thinking about it. They're on my mind. All right, what's the Dolphins score? They're currently playing right now. What's the score? They're losing 7-10 with two minutes left in the fourth. Well, there's no way they can come back.

They're playing their Rams who are fucking awful. It's awful. It's a boring game with two bad teams. So fourth. Well, there's no way they can come back. The Rams are fucking awful. It's awful. It's a boring game with two bad teams, so we've got to move on. It's also sort of a dumb animal combination. Rams and Dolphins don't fight. Rams don't swim, and Dolphins can't walk. Yeah.

This is stupid. Yeah, this whole beaver thing, this is the biggest animal eradication project that has ever been attempted. They've been going at this for four years now. Poison the trees. I don't even understand how this is remotely close to a problem.

You idiot dummies. You can fucking call Argentina everyone. Call Argentina. Big Ben Kessel has the solution. Poison the trees. Humans don't eat trees. Get rid of a bunch of dumb kids too. Get rid of all the dumb kids too

that might go tree licking. You'll get rid of them and just have a smarter culture in general. My son died. Oh, he was a dirty tree licker. Filthy tree licker. That would be

kind of a fun game. No, of course. You poison what they want. You poison their food. Sure, we all played lick the tree with Mary with the small tits back in the day. But at some point, you got to grow up.

Come on. Holden McNeil. Henry? Who are you talking to right now? Whenever I feel as if I have righteous indignation, it's Henry's name that comes up first. And then I say, oh, that's right. It's Holden in this case. Just a typical Ben Kissel gaffe from a typical non-mattress user.

What the hell are you talking about? What do you even sleep on? It's a barrel. That's not a mattress. Well, continuing with the nacho story. Good. God almighty. As detailed in a Beaver Police Department report, an officer contacted Crystal Hotlaws, 36.

Crystal Hotlaws from Beaver County? Hotlaws. Yeah. H-O-T-L-O-S-Z. Hotlaws. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hotlaws?

Maybe it's Hotlows, but I like Hotlaws. I do like Hotlaws. Crystal Hotlaws. Yeah. Sounds like a sauce. Yeah. She's 36. An officer contacted her after spotting a Backpage.com ad offering paid companionship. Records show that the 5'8", 270-pound hotlaws frequently advertises her escort services online,

describing herself as a BBW goddess who is, quote, thicker than a Snickers. Oh! I gotta say, this is bullshit. This cop needs to do something else with his day. Who cares? Let this woman, if a person wants to pay her money to do whatever the hell they want to do, what's wrong with it?

Well, take a look at Crystal up here. I think she's a wonderful, beautiful woman. She's beautiful. She's cute. $50 and how many plates of nachos? $50 and one plate of nachos. Just one plate? Just a single plate of nachos.

And she even specified the kind of meat. Nacho, yeah. It's a nacho supreme. She just said nachos. She's got a nice kitchen, too. As far as you know, you could just go by 7-Eleven and drizzle a whole bunch of that weird cheese sauce on some nachos and you're fine. Yeah. I do love liquid cheese because it makes me feel like Kim Jong-un when I look at it.

Yeah, because you're happy? What? Yeah. You ever saw Kim Jong-il looks at things? There's a great photo of him. Yeah, he's a happy? What? Yeah. You ever saw Kim Jong-il looks at things? There's a great photo of him. Yeah, he's a big grin. Big grin. Unless it's a big mean frown when he shoots his uncle with a missile.

Well, yeah, that'll happen in the movies. It wasn't a missile. It was an anti-aircraft gun, and he just shredded him. Well, that was Eun. Wasn't it Eun that did that? Yeah, that was Eun that did that. Yeah, Eun is like stepping that shit up. And his wife's been missing, right?

Yes, for eight months. Yeah. But she did take a leave in like 2015. She was also not seen for a little while. So we don't know. Maybe she's getting plastic surgery, which is what happened last time. So we don't know if she's either dead, fed to pigs, or maybe they're eating her in North Korea on a daily basis. All three of those things are dead, though.

Yeah, I don't know. We don't know. She could be dead. She could be dead or more dead. Maybe she's drinking blood. Maybe. No, what happened to her, Marcus? Do we know yet?

She just hasn't been seen since March. She's still missing. And she was a pop singer. So you can imagine the people of North Korea, how sad they are. They're not getting their music and things like that. They have music? She was the music. She was the pop singer.

Yeah, yeah. What was her hit? We are the Jumbo Strip, here to play a game. We are the Jumbo Strip, here to play a game. Now I understand why they killed her. That makes sense to me. Well, they killed the other pop star, right? Yeah, her hit was Educated Horse-Like Lady, I think.

Oh, that's right. Yeah. Yeah, and he killed her because he thought she wore scantily clad clothes? I thought he killed her because he got a new gal who then requested that she be murdered, the previous one. I think Ed's right. She wore open-toed boots, which is a very strange fashion choice. It is, actually. So they shot her in her fucking head.

The opposite of a steel-toe boot. He said, my woman will not show more than one toe to the nation's people. Good point. I agree, actually. All right. So now this woman- I hate feet. We've talked about this.

No, you love feet. No, I like heels. I hate the summer because of feet. Wait've talked about this. No, you love feet. No, I like heels. Oh. I hate the summer because of feet. Wait, why is it part of the feet? I hate the summer because everybody puts their gross feet out, and I hate it. I'm not a foot fetter. Dolphin scored.

We're up 13. Whoa! We are the Jumbo Shrimp. Here to play a game. We are the Jumbo Shrimp. We are the Jumbo Shrimp. Here shrimp riding a horse. Yeah. Yeah, jumbo shrimp.

Big muscular arms swinging around. Yeah, yeah, for sure. You got to show them the jumbo shrimp. Which way is the war, fellas? Yeah, Joe, get sure. You got to show them the jumbo shrimp. Which way is the war, fellas? Yeah, Joe got a kick out of this. Take a look at this. Yeah, that's good. This is the jumbo shrimp mascot.

Oh, this is going to make me so happy. Yeah, yeah. It is a great name. Oh, I love this. It's coming out of a big boiling pot on the bottom right there. I'm a big fan of teams named after food. I got to say, it's kind of creepy. What other teams are named after food?

They've got the Blue Claws. Yeah, and then what else? Chicago Cubs. You eat bears. Tiny bears. I guess we eat bears. You can eat a bear. You can eat any animal.

Yeah. The Seahawks. You don't eat a Seahawk. The Carolina Calamari. You could drown it and then you can eat it. That's true. Carolina Calamari, as Travis just said. I think that is a solid one.

That's my contribution to this. So wordy. The Beaver Nachos. Yeah, I would love the Tuscaloosa Burgers. Yeah. And then they'll have really good burgers the same. That's the thing with the jumbo shrimp. You know they're going to have lots of sweaty, hot,

just sweating it out in the stadium, just eating fucking pickles. It does seem like it's a little bit dumber. Hey there, son, you want some shrimp? You need to put on a shirt, lady. I love that this is the news story that we're going to just continue to talk about every week. Every week, I'm just going to force us to talk about this. The one thing I know about Jacksonville is it's filled with thieves and liars.

That's true. And your girlfriend's family. Yes, and my girlfriend. Oh, well, I've met them. You're on the same page. Whoa. You heard it here first. What?

I don't know. The Jacksonville Skilling Plans are first. What? I don't know. The Jacksonville plans are ruined. What did we hear? So this woman, she was arrested. Well, in a reply to the undercover cop's initial text, Hotlaws quoted an hourly wage of $160, but after some negotiation, she altered her demands and agreed to a price of $50 and nachos.

Hotlaws subsequently met the cop monday night in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant in beaver township which is about 13 miles south of youngstown after entering the undercover vehicle hot laws asked if i had any extra money and her nachos after accepting cash cash but alas no nachos from the cop hot laws was arrested for solicitation police also collared a 41 year old Youngstown man who had driven Hot Laws to meet with the purported John. I am so honestly upset with this police department. It's bullshit. It's a bullshit operation entirely.

What's wrong? She's just doing what she wants to do. She's just a hungry lady. Yeah. She just wanted nachos. I mean, it's a woman who knows what she wants to do. She's just a hungry lady. Yeah. She just wanted nachos. I mean, it's a woman who knows what she wants. And it seems like the cops set up the nachos because he didn't even give her what she wanted. She has a specific set of skills, and then she knows what she needs to get in the mood.

It's a big sloppy plate of nachos. Oh, she does the nachos before the oral sex. I imagine, or on top of it. I think this is... Maybe during it. Maybe that's her move, the nacho. The nacho, yeah. Yeah, the nacho slurp. Well, I think that would ruin the nacho, so we won't imagine it. Or on top of it. Maybe she said that's her move, the nacho. The nacho. Yeah, the nacho slurp.

Well, I think that would ruin the nacho, so we won't do that. Why would it ruin the nachos? Because the nacho slurp, you think the nachos are coming out full and crisp on that? Classic fetish shamer, Ben Kissel. It's not a fetish shamer. I want to eat the nachos. Oh, fetish. Fetish.

I thought you were talking about Greek cheese. No, not a fetos. Oh, fetish. Fetish. I thought you were talking about Greek cheese. No, not a fetish. Oh, man. Fetish shamer and a fetish shamer. Why isn't this entrapment? This is entrapment. This woman's innocent. It's a sting.

This cop needs to, like, do something else with this guy. No, it's not entrapment because she was already offering her services. He had enticed her into prostitution. He enticed her with the nachos. She had her big ass on back page. That's her whole thing. She's a BBW. Well, I just feel like this cop

needs to do something different with his day, but my point has been made. Is there a better cheese than feta? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, are you kidding me? with his day, but my point has been made. Is there a better cheese than feta? I asked you. Oh, yeah. No way. Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?

I would take Swiss cheddar. What? All of that? Brie? Yeah, brie. I love brie. The audience says brie. Gouda.

Nothing's better than feta and pepperoncinis. Go year. Feta in oil with a little bit of some oregano on it and pepperoncinis. Blue cheese. You can't do better than that. We also have a British person in the crowd. British cheese. Which one is the best? Camembert.

Great name too. There we go. I would put feta up. It's your everyday, all day cheese. Feta doesn't melt. It doesn't melt. You can just eat it anytime. It catches you in the back of your throat. I agree with Eddie on this one. Feta does not melt. Too chunky.

Yeah. No, it doesn't. If you don't have a glass of water and you eat too much feta, you will die. Feta is just lumpy milk. Have some water, Ed. What do we eat? What do we eat? What world do we live in?

I hate feta cheese. What? I don't hate it, but I do not love it. If I had to choose a cheese, it would never be feta. It doesn't melt once again. I can eat it all day, every day. You know what category of cheese it's in? Brined curd.

That's great. No, you're not a finish. You love brine, Mr. Pickles. I do love brine. Yeah, but he does like a brine curd. Turn into Mr. Pickles. I've been a pickle man for a while now. It's been a whole thing.

It's literally the Kissel-Marcus perfect combination. You got curds on one side, Mr. Wisconsin over here with Ben Kissel. Don't forget he loves pretzels. I do love pretzels. And curds. And brine with Mr. Pickles over here. The perfect combination. A brined curd.

So you're saying the feta cheese is me and Ben? Yes. And I think of you guys every time I eat it. I think about it and I love it. Well, thank you, actually. That's really nice. That's very sweet. But, yeah, I mean, I just got to love it. Well, thank you actually. That's really nice. But yeah, I mean, I just, I gotta say it's good in a gyro. It's good in a

salad. It's good crumbled. But it's not a standout cheese. It's perfect in a salad. It is good in a salad. I always get feta in my salad when I go to Just Salad and they have soup there, so their name is a lie. Yeah. Oh, is that right? Just Salad has soup? And drinks and stuff. You can't name a thing just anything and then serve other shit so their name is a lie. Yeah. Oh, is that right? Yeah. Just salad has soup?

And drinks and stuff. You can't name a thing just anything and then serve other shit than the thing you're saying. I'm not going to a New York Knicks game to watch the L.A. Lakers. Yeah. Don't lie to me. Unless you're a Lakers fan. Unless you're a Lakers fan. No.

I know. Classic Big Kissel Gap. Classic Big Kissel Gap for the mattress man himself. It's a barrel. It's not the mattress. That is not the mattress. Everyone agrees with me. That's not the mattress. himself. It's a barrel. It's not the mattress. That is not the mattress. Everyone agrees with me. That's not the mattress.

We know that for a fact. The mattress is in full use. Everyone's loving the mattress, and I love the mattress. I touched it this morning. It's sitting in the corner. Yep. Whatever. If you want to believe Ed Larson, feel free.

A photo of the mattress in use is all the people command and demand. What is use? On your bed. Is it not in use? With anyone laying on it demand. What is use? On your bed with anyone laying on it. Let's just say it is the mattress. Let me say it is the mattress. That it's a coat rack? First of all, I believe my girlfriend's coat was on it, or my coat,

my Joe St. Bank was on it, if it was a mattress. That is technically a use. Is it not? Is there not a circumference? Is there not a circumference? Is there not a circumference of apartment space? It would be taken up if it was a mattress. That is a use.

Intended use. Intended use. The intended use of a mattress is to sleep on it. The intended use is not determined by the creator. It's determined by the buyer. So you like your mattress balled up in a corner. You didn't buy it. That's the difference.

Other people are willing to buy it. Shut up. And you won't give it to them. I lost $1,000. Because you won't sleep on this mattress. Hey, you know, is it a mattress? I mean, you know, a lot of technology was created. Penicillin, for example.

That's a great medicine. That was created to cure polio. And it had nothing to do with polio. No, it didn't. I don't know. I don't know. No, it absolutely was not. Syphilis from the crowd. We got syphilis. created to cure polio, and it had nothing to do with polio. No, it didn't. I don't know. I don't know. No, it absolutely was not. Syphilis from the crowd.

We got syphilis. No, but penicillin was designed to make sure you had tall children. And then it turns out what a great medical advancement. What has happened to you? This mattress is going to end up taking a bullet for bad. Someone's going to kick open his apartment. It's fine. Someone's going to start shooting.

It's going to load into the mattress, and it's going to get caught because it's such a good, comfortable mattress. It's such a great, comfortable mattress. Both firm yet soft. It's like the impossible made true in this Casper mattress. It's space age technology. Definitely. It is, and it's also great as a rack or as a thing to put something on. Does he do the ads?

No. Oh, God, no. Because you don't have kids out there going, buy a Casper mattress. I have one. It's completely useless. No, Casper mattresses are made with an amazing space-age technology that is developed in-house. And, of course, Casper mattresses, there is no middleman, so they pass the savings on to you. There you go.

Space-age technology. I mean, that's 1960. We went to fucking space. Guys, do you know? Space-age technology is old ass as fuck, dude. Well, Casper Mattresses finds a way to take space-age technology of the 1960s and turn it into a comfortable sleep mattress technology that you can enjoy today or tonight. It sounds like a mattress that's filled with ghosts.

When you buy a potato, it could be a food. You could also use a potato to get rid of the light bulb. That's a good trick. So technically, you've got yourself a light bulb remover, not a potato. Travis says no. Does anybody know where I can get one of these mattresses? It's in the corner of your fucking room. By the way, there's all five. We are Jumbo Shrimp, here to play a game.

All right. We are the Jumbo Shrimp, here to play a game. That is good stuff. Oh my God, I love it. All right. Very good. I just want to march down the street. Right?

Right to the bay. It gets you motivated. You get pumped, man. Oh, God. Okay. So let's do another story, Marcus. Let's do another story. This one's out of South Africa.

Oh. Johannesburg. Yeah, it is from Johannesburg. The only place where there's actually news. District 9. That guy's coming out with a new movie soon. What's that movie about? Jumbo Shrimp? Aliens?

Actually, prawns. That's what they call them. We are the Jumbo Shrimp. Here to play a game. A rare penile strangulation emergency in which a man had put a wedding ring on his penis for erotic pleasure has been described in the latest issue of the SA Medical Journal, the SAMJ. The 28-year-old man, who was in severe pain, was admitted to a hospital in Limpopo, accompanied by his mother. Accompanied by his mother, the SAMJ said his penis was severely swollen and blue and constricted with a wedding ring at the middle section. The patient reported that he had applied the ring four hours previously for erotic reasons on the recommendation of friends.

Jesus. How big are their fingers? Okay, you're going that way with it? Because I was thinking maybe it was a smaller... Ed went with the glass half full. That's good. I like that one. Yeah. I do like that one.

I mean, what would be the... I don't know. The whole thing is strange to me. How do you get this off? Well, the hospital staff sedated the man and first tried to remove the ring by the string method. Oh, yes. That's how you do it.

Yeah. You know that method, right? Oh, my God. So you wrap a string around the front of the ring by the string method. Oh, yes. That's how you do it. Yeah. You know that method, right? Oh, my God. So you wrap a string around the front of the ring and slowly work it backwards. You seem to know what I'm talking about, Holden. There are YouTube videos out there. I have seen this process. So you put the ring, take the rings off their dicks?

No, not their dicks. It's on their fingers. Rings on the fingers. Yes, because you know, you mean weight after marriage. I mean, I'm sure that video is out there. I'm sure that video exists. I imagine you'd have to cut off the dick, take off the ring, and then reattach the dick. No, Eddie, please.

That's what I feel like that's the only way to do it. Eddie, you fuck. You just, you think that you should take off the dick, then remove the ring, and then put the dick on. Do you want to save it? Where's the time crunch here? I mean, and then put the dick on. If you want to save it, where's the time crunch here? I mean, honestly, modern science allows it. Well, the swelling was too excessive to do the string method. Then they tried using an orthopedic oscillating saw, but the ring was too wide and too strong,

and there was limited space due to the swelling they then attempted the aspiration method making punctures in the penis to release the stored blood that is how they eventually got it up well Texas sprinkler the same thing you just take that you take a hose and you just you stab it and then you get a sprinkler system. Yes. There are no proper guidelines for treating penile strangulation, which is why this article is noteworthy. Isn't that exciting? So this seemed to work and that's the method going forward.

I mean, they tried all three and all three are acceptable, but it seems as if if swelling is an issue, then it's good to drain it out. You've got to drain the blood. I've heard that before. I've read some horror stories on Reddit, people taking too much of Ninja X or Samurai X. Remember my bodega guy, my old bodega guy. Dude, they moved away. No. They're in Michigan.

The new bodega guys are the absolute worst. I yell at them all the time. That's so unfortunate. Those new bodega guys are the absolute worst. I yell at them all the time. Oh, that's so unfortunate. Oh, those poor bodega guys, actually, now that I think about it. No, no. I just go in there totally sober. Not, you know, and then I let them know what they're doing wrong. Mm-hmm.

So, thank God for me. I yell at the bodega guys at Metropolitan and Humboldt whenever I go there. Yeah, yeah. I hate those fuckers. Oh, you don't like those guys? I hate those guys. Those guys, the guy across the street from Legion? there, I hate those fuckers. Oh, you don't like those guys? I hate those guys. Those guys, the guy across the street from Legion? Yeah.

Yeah, those guys suck. The burritos. Those guys suck. The burrito sandwich is so good. Yeah, they're really pieces of shit over there, though. I had no idea. They jack up prices left and right. They're always trying to trick you.

And the place stinks. It smells bad. It smells bad. It smells bad. But the sandwiches are $4, and they're so good. Yeah, for you, they're $4. For me, they're like fucking $8.50. Probably because I'm yelling at them.

Yeah, maybe. Oh, I tell them all the time. I just put my things on the counter and I tell them how much I'm paying. That's what I do. I do because they keep trying to jack up the prices. They did. Our roommate Mike, as a matter of fact, it's nice to have you in my corner here, Travis. Yeah, yeah, I am on your side here.

They tried to charge him $17 for a 12-pack of Bud Light. Wow, that's astronomical. That going rate is $12. For the people who don't understand how they're trying to screw over my roommate Mike, who I do like to see upset. He is really fun to watch get really upset. It's really funny. He is really fun to watch get really funny My favorite was He always bet on the coin flip

On the Super Bowl And he lost like four years in a row And he's always bet on heads And I got to be there for his fifth time in a row Losing And just the no I was there too It was really fun to watch

Because every year he kept betting more and more money. Because he thought like this has to be the year. This has to be the 50-50 chance. How much did he lose? Like 300 bucks? So much money just on the coin he left. And then just the rest of the night we were at Cena's place. And the rest of the night he was just moping all night long.

He lost every bet he made that night. And I just could not stop laughing. Every bet he made. I think he ended up losing $300 by the end of the night out of all night long. He lost every bet he made that night, and I just could not stop laughing. Every bet he made. I think he ended up losing $300 by the end of the night out of all the bets. Oh, yeah. His last Super Bowl was a blowout for him because he loves the Carolina Panthers,

and we all know how that turned out. If the Dolphins go to the Super Bowl, I'm going to have to freeze my bank account. Yeah. Yeah. Just put it on hold. I will bet you one Casper mattress that they win. What?

Too little, too late, Ben. Why? Because now he has his own Casper mattress. I got a much nicer mattress. No offense, but it's very nice. It's not Casper? I got it at Sears. You went to Sears?

Yeah, I went to Sears. I haven't been to a Sears in forever. I forgot Sears existed. They're great. Are they? Yeah, they got hardware. They got stuff. I haven't been to a Sears in forever. I forgot Sears existed. They're great. Are they? Yeah, they got hardware. They got stuff. I got a TV and a mattress and a sound bar.

Really? Some pillows. Fuck it. I never heard of Sears. I haven't heard of Sears in a decade. I need to get a dresser. Should I be going to Sears for that? You could really get a dresser.

You can get whatever you want at Sears. You can get TVs. You can get refrigerators, stoves. They had these great fucking secondary coolers that I was like, man, one day when I get a house, I'm going to put a bunch of meat in one of these. What the hell is a secondary cooler? A big freezer that you keep all your extra meat in. You got one?

I want one. We have a big freezer in the garage that we keep large amounts of meat in. Yeah, every time when we slaughter a cow, that whole freezer is full of meat for a full year. I just had a memory. That makes a little a full year. I just had a memory. I just had a memory. They got, speaking of jumbo shrimp, they got a shitload of shrimp, put it

in this freezer. My parents did. We went on a trip for the weekend. Freezer broke down. The worst smell you've ever all the shit went rotten, dude. It was in the middle of the summer. Yes, it was like atrocious, dude.

Like they literally filled this giant freezer wall to wall with seafood. It broke down in the middle of the summer in a garage. Just fucking the worst. We were like, yay, we're home. It's so great. And just vomiting immediately. You got to pull a car into the garage just like, oh, dear Lord. Everything's ruined.

You know, and people say it's tough to grow up white, you know, in the suburbs of North Carolina, but it's not, you know. That's the thing. That's the thing. It was tough. Sometimes your shrimp goes bad. Yeah. I know. Sometimes you take a trip to the Grove Park Inn and your shrimp goes bad.

Sometimes your shrimp's just born bad. My struggle. Alright, Marcus. What are we thinking now? Let's go to another story. Do you want to do another story? Yeah. Okay.

Why don't you want to do another story? What the fuck else would we do? I don't know. We have no other. It's the only option we have. That's our only move. We could play fun mind games or something. Let's do a mind game.

Okay. I'm thinking of an alien's name. This name does not exist yet. What alien am I thinking of? Zintelok. You got it. Let's do a story. All right.

Good stuff. Marcus, let's do a story. Okay, let's do a... Okay, let's see here. Axe body spray. All right. Good stuff. Marcus, let's do a story. Okay, let's do a... Okay, let's see here. Axe body spray. All right. A man accused of drinking and driving made an interesting move when police pulled him over early Monday morning and he sprayed Axe body spray in his mouth.

Oh, I knew it. As soon as you said... Don't you think that Axe body spray would be great if they had Jason as their sponsor? Oh, yeah. Wouldn't that be a good little move for them? It's just him killing people, but one guy smells really good and he lets them live. Or The Shining. The Shining's more classically the Axe, specifically.

He's a family man. That's right. He's had sex with a woman. Jason's never had sex with a woman. Yes, he did. Huh? Yes, he did. When did he have sex with a woman? Jason's never had sex with a woman. Yes, he did. Huh? Yes, he did. When did he have sex with a woman?

In the water. When he was in the water. He grew up in the water. He was tethered to the rock. He would have not had... When would he have sex with a woman in the water? A woman came down there. A woman...

Wait, what? What fever dream are you spouting right now? Jason died at 12. He came up around 20. What do you think he was doing down there? Not having sex with a woman. I don't know. It's a lake.

Yeah. Anyway, did you see Shelley Duvall? Yeah, she looks tough. She's awesome. I can see in the headline, but I'm just like, I don't want to click on this. She was never, you know, sane either. Oh, I think she was. And Kubrick broke her.

Kubrick broke her. Kubrick was the one that broke her. He put her through mental hell in the shoot of The Shining. That's why I mentioned it. He was very rude to her too. Yes, yes. Isn't that something? Destroyed her.

I mean, would you pay that price to be in a classic film, to be a major character in a classic, in a fucking artistic masterpiece? Would you pay the price of your mind being broken? I'm going to say, what if she's not wrong? We don't know Robin Williams isn't a shapeshifter. He was a great actor. I watched, what was the one where he was?

Are you saying Robin Williams is Shelley Duvall? No, that's what Shelley Duvall believes. She makes so much sense. What was the name of the movie there? Popeye. Not Popeye. Mrs. Doubtfire. Mrs. Doubtfire. Mrs. Doubtfire.

Oh, that's right. He's not a grandma. He ain't no grandma. But then you watch that movie, and he is one. So it is possible that he is a shapeshifter. But he's not. Did you see the end? Of it?

Of the film? Yeah. I only watched when he got his hair cut by, was it Harvey Fierstein? Oh, man. He was great. He's the best. Is he still around? What if? No, I don't know. I don't by, was it Harvey Fierstein? Oh, man, he was great. He's the best. Is he still around?

What if, no, I don't know. I don't think he is. Harvey Fierstein. I think so, yeah. He's doing hair on Broadway. Oh, is he? Oh, okay. With Mike Pence. Is he really?

Yeah. No, he's not. Everything Travis says is a lie, and that's why you can't trust that picture of the barrel. Did you guys know they could just roll a mattress up and it can be a coffee holder? You're drunk. The spin machine Ben Kissel at it

again. He does not pay rent on time. That's not a platform to run. That doesn't hear there about the mattress. I'm just saying. Here or there. You're poor shaming him? No, he has the money.

Maybe if there were some programs in place to allow Travis the kind of income that would enable him to pay rent at a time. Yeah, I need Venmo. You have Venmo.

I don't know. He doesn't have Venmo. I don't have Venmo. Maybe if Venmo had some benefits. I get these texts from people all the time. I'm like,

what the hell's Venmo? My home was broken into and a picture was taken without my consent. Okay. Your girlfriend opened the door for me. Without my consent. And then I took the picture without your consent. Yeah.

So thank you so much. Yeah, however, Fairstein's still working. He's going to be in this movie called Animal Crackers next year. Oh. A family must use a magical box of animal crackers to save a circus from being taken over by their evil uncle Horatio P. Huntington. Oh, that is not what marks murder's movie. I auditioned for Horatio P. Huntington. What was the audition like?

Oh, you'll never get this circus from me. I'm gay! And interestingly enough, you know who ended up getting that role? Who? Ian McKellen. There you go. There you go. There you go. Classic discrimination in the workplace.

Well, I don't know. I don't know about discrimination necessarily, but all right. Very good. Yes. Wonderful. Wonderful film. I got a fun little story. I went and saw this movie this week at Museum of Moving Image by myself.

The director was there to talk about it afterwards. It's called Christine. Not the movie about the car. It's this new movie that's coming out. It's about Christine Chubbuck. You know who that is? How much name is Christine, though? There's a classic film named Christine.

I know. I was going to ask a question about cars just to be an asshole, but I didn't. I was going to ask a question about cars just to be an asshole, but I didn't. So it's like, did you purposely not put a 1957 Fury in this movie? Yeah, there wasn't one murdering car in this whole movie. No, but so Christine is about Christine Chubbuck. If you don't know who she is, she's the woman in 1974, local news anchor in Sarasota. She's the woman in 1974, local news anchor in Sarasota. She was upset about the violence on television, and she blew her brains out on TV.

Live on TV. Yes, that's right. This was before Bud Blair, too. But her cause was being upset about violence on television? It was more like sensationalizing the news, because she felt that zoning issues were important, and they're like, no, it's blood. If it bleeds, it leads, that kind of thing.

It was a good movie. I enjoyed it. We wouldn't know who she was or Bud Dwyer unless they did that. Yeah. And so after the movie, they're doing the Q&A with the audience. And there's this old man. And obviously we know how the movie ends. And there's this old man in the audience is like, yeah, so I got to say,

she didn't look that sad before she killed herself. Maybe you could go back and like, because she was kind of smiling to people the day of and maybe she should be crying or something. I don't know. I don't know how, but before she offs herself, maybe she should be sad.

He didn't understand it was a documentary? It wasn't a doc. It was a movie about it. That's Queens for you. Yeah, yeah. And the guy's just like, well, you know, actually, a lot of times the stories, you know, like people are at their most peaceful right before they kill themselves.

You know, and he's just like, no, I don't think that's right. He's like talking to the director, just slap my ass off and they go around they're asking him at one point someone's like oh where'd you get the funding for this and then he's like oh we had some problems the movie wasn't going to get made and uh we're lucky we got you know an investor to invest a couple million at the last minute and we were able to make the movie and then the guy is like so like i haven't seen your movie in like any theaters in New York City. And New York City's got like 50 movie theaters, you know? And so I was like, I didn't see your movie in like

any theaters. So I don't think it's doing too well. And he's like, okay. And then he's like, so how do you plan on getting this man his money back? Yeah, yeah. It's amazing. It was like It was so wonderful

I feel like I actually feel really bad For directors I went to see The Man Who Saves the World A great documentary About this Russian Who didn't fire nukes back

Because there was A miscommunication With the radar But my god The directors are just like So uncomfortable In front of a crowd of people Yeah

They hate it I like to think That that old guy was the financier of the movie. He just showed up passively, aggressively, like, so you know what? Let's say a guy was the guy. I'm still fairly convinced that was Sean Donnelly

who was in the crowd. A great stand-up comedian. Check out Sean Donnelly's work. And now it's time for a segment from Old Man Nelly. Thanksgiving, people. We got to talk about it. It's on everybody's mind right now. People are marching down the street

screaming about Thanksgiving. I don't think that's what they're protesting. Yes, I believe they're protesting Thanksgiving. They're protesting Thanksgiving. Yes, they want it to be your welcomesgiving. Bad joke. It's fine. It's my dad joke of the day.

That's fine, though. I thought that was the best joke of the show. Oh, okay. There was a pause. There was a pregnant pause. No, I was shocked and joy. Oh, okay. Your welcome's giving, right?

Yeah. I got to register. Anytime you say a good joke, you should end it with your welcome's giving. Your welcome's giving. I will do that from now on, your welcome's giving. Okay, so Marcus is going to have a little throwdown at his place, but this time, a little fun twist, he's going to only have cartoon characters show up.

Only cartoons. It's just going to be me and a bunch of cartoon characters. So who's he having over? What are they bringing? What are we doing, right? Oh, so you have to come with a whole guest list? Yeah. I mean, literally, all you have to do is name whole guest list? Yeah. I mean, literally,

all you have to do is name like five cartoon characters, I think, and you'll be fine. Okay. But you can come up with as many as you want. Even that. It could even be just a few.

Just me and an intimate gathering of cartoon characters. Just him and Jessica Rabbit, man. That would get boring. Yeah, I'd go with like Yogi Bear. Okay. Yeah, because he'd bring

his own picnic basket. I'm going with Yogi Bear over Jessica Rabbit. See, that's bring his own picnic basket. I'm going with. Yogi Bear over Jessica. See, that's a great example of a good answer for this segment. That's how you introduce a segment. Okay. So, I will choose, of course, I know you, you know me, Droopy. Yeah.

He's going to be there. You know me, you're Droopy fans. Yeah. He's going to pull a fucking massive turkey out of his pot. You know, it's just going to cover the whole table. And he's not even going to make a big deal out of it. He's not even going to make a big deal. It's like right before, it's like, fuck, where's the turkey?

Droopy. And then he's just going to be like, oh, this. You made this. Your turkey is here. Right? Controversial big ticket item, but absolutely Heathcliff's going to show up. And he's going to bring, he's going to. He stinks like trash. Oh, my God. He's going to show up. And he's going to bring... He stinks like trash!

Oh my God! Why don't we shoot him in the head? He stinks like trash. He lives in an alleyway. It's why we take him out of the house. Like all the other homeless people. It's Thanksgiving, okay? Can we not fight?

Elitist Ed Larson. Ben! It's Thanksgiving. We're not going to fight. People were scrutinizing me all day. We're not going to fight. People were scrutinizing me all day. We're not going to fight. Cliff is coming to this Thanksgiving. Olive branch.

All right? Yeah. Garfield can't make it because he's got better stuff to do, so thanks a lot, Garfield. Well, you know, you just... I'm just saying. It came right there just at the beginning. You put out the branch and then you took it away.

Let's move on. Okay. On top of that, we're going to go with Calvin and Hobbes. Okay. Absolutely. Perfect. They're going to bring some water guns and water balloons. You're going to have a balloon fight afterwards.

That's their contribution. And then we're also going to go with Lisa Simpson. Okay. All right? Good conversation. Yeah, real good conversation. Yeah, right? Well, I mean, this Thanksgiving, she's going to be quite emotional.

She would be very emotional. And rightfully so. But that would be good. See, Ben, that's what I'm talking about. There you go. Let's extend the olive branch. You're welcome, Thanksgiving. This Thanksgiving.

You're welcome, Thanksgiving. There you go. There you go, olive branch. Let's extend the olive branch this Thanksgiving. You're welcome, Thanksgiving. And to top it all off, we're going to close it all out with the name of a cartoon character that I am currently digesting and thinking of. Describe the cartoon character. Pinky and the Brain.

Oh. Both of them? Is it Pinky or the Brain? Both of them. They're going to try to ruin Thanksgiving, and then it's going to flip on its head. It's going to be hilarious. It's going to be hilarious.

It's going to be really fun at the end, though. Yeah, because he's going to mess up and make more food instead of taking away the food. Yeah. That would be one of those. And actually, he's going to bring a device that's supposed to evaporate all the food, but Pinky's going to make it so that it makes even more food.

He's going to zonk it. Yeah. Boom. Done. Crushed it. Thank you. You're welcome food. He's gonna zonk it. Yeah. Boom. Done. Crushed it. Thank you. You're welcome. I don't know.

I thought it was good. Calvin and Hobbes, what are they gonna bring? They eat pretend. Water balloon fight. Dude, it's not even gonna be water balloons. I don't like Calvin and Hobbes. Whoa. I don't like them either.

I figured you guys wouldn't. That's what happens. You know what? I accept that. It's just who you guys are. It's fine. It's just who you are. It's not a big surprise.

It's fine. I like them. I accept that. It's just who you guys are. It's fine. It's just who you are. It's not a big surprise. It's fine. I like them. I don't. What do I need to do again? Travis, pay attention to this. A guest list. Five cartoon characters. Thanksgiving cartoon characters.

All right. I'll do five. You can choose however many you want. No, look. Why Marcus is going to like having them there. All right. Well, you know. This is Marcus' guest list.

Okay. I'm a simple man. You know, at our place, our oven doesn't even This is Marcus' guest list. Okay. I'm a simple man, you know. At our place, our oven doesn't even work because we didn't pay the gas bill. You didn't pay the gas bill. No, somebody didn't pay the gas bill. I may have something to do with that. We do have this giant rolled up mattress. You can set as many raw turkeys as you want.

No gas. So don't worry about it. Hold on. A rolled up mattress in the corner. So I got to feed people the way we got to feed people. So I'm going to go with Scooby-Doo because he'll just eat Scooby snacks.

Yeah. I'm going to go with Garfield. You can have Heathcliff. I'll take my giant orange cat and we will feed him just lasagna from across the street from the bodega. And then I'm going to go with...

Lasagna at your bodega? Yeah. Oh, the best lasagna. Really? Overpriced though. $17 for a slice of lasagna. For bodega lasagna? For bodega lasagna.

There's no lasagna at the bodega. I wouldn't yell at them every day if there was. It's yes and, Ben. But there isn't. Causing controversy left and right. Can a man not give an answer without Ben Kissel? With a contrarian Ben Kissel. I'm not a contrarian.

A classic gaffe. My guest list is going to round out with Wacko, Yakko, and Dot. Okay. They're going to make a fucking mess. They're going to sexually abuse the women. Wait a minute. Hold on.

Wait. Hold on. I didn't know you could do that. Good God. I'm doing the Grinch. He needs to have fun. Okay. All right.

I think that would be a good time. Is this post the Grinch who stole Christmas Grinch or pre the Grinch who stole Christmas Grinch. He needs to have fun. Oh, okay. All right. And so I think that would be a good time. Is this like post the Grinch who stole Christmas Grinch or pre the Grinch who stole Christmas? He stole Christmas. He loves Thanksgiving. How big is his heart? Is he bringing the dog? No. Is it three times his size?

No. The only thing he didn't like was Christmas. The Grinch. You're the main one. Mr. Shrimp. Jumbo Shrimp. Oh, Jumbo Shrimp. We are the Jumbo Shrimp.

All right. And you play a game. Okay. Everybody now. Mr. Shrimp Jumbo Shrimp We are the Jumbo Shrimp Here to play a game Everybody now We are the Jumbo Shrimp Here to play a game Superman Superman It's not quite a cartoon character

It's a cartoon character He's as much a cartoon character as Calvin and Hobbes is. And he'll cook turkeys quickly with his eyes. Yes, he will. So that's a lot of fun. That's good. Yosemite Sam will also be there for protection. Yeah.

He's a basket case. No, you need someone with... Not that much different from a lot of family members of mine. I know how to deal with a fucking loud Texan with a gun. That's right. That's right. He will be sort of your pro-Trump kind of person around the Thanksgiving dinner table. Who you need. Yeah.

It's kind of a fun conversation. He's not going to listen to reason at all. No. Doesn't care about it. Also, Porky Pig. Great. How fun is it? Did you just type cartoon characters into your Google and are just looking at cartoon characters on your phone? Yes, I did.

I hate him. Can I just? Oh, Alistair fell. You're not allowed. Oh, no. Alistair probably just fell off the wall. Note that, by the way. It's because I slammed my head up against the wall.

It's never fallen until you said you hate me. Yeah, it has. That's the second time It's fallen When was the last time? The last time was when Travis banged his head Against the wall

Okay Porky Pig He's a fun guy It doesn't matter He's cheating Okay I'm not cheating Ed Porky

No I'm not done Who's left? Bobby Hill Who doesn't love Bobby Hill? I love Bobby Hill Also the alien From American Dad. Oh, really?

I was told I sound like him. Somebody sent me a PlayStation Network message, and they said, you sound like Robert from American Dad. It's Roger. Roger. Right? Really? No shit.

The audience says they're not wrong. All right. All right. We're going to invite, first of all, you want to have a good time. You like people you can talk to. You like partying. You like yucking it up. Foghorn Leghorn's coming.

Oh, yeah. That's great American talk. Oh, yeah. But he's also going to be like really pro-Trump. You think so? Foghorn Leghorn? I don't know. You don't know?

I don't know. He kind of reminds me of my grandfather. I think he'd be a Bernie supporter. Maybe. Well, then he went to Trump. You think so? I don't know. He kind of reminds me of my grandfather. I think he'd be a Bernie supporter. Well, then he went to Trump. Maybe. Who knows? But still a good conversation. Still a good conversation. Then, you know, it's always good to have

a female influence around. So Betty Boop. She's a sweetheart. She's a sweetheart. She's just like a sweet little thing. There's going to be a little show afterwards. She'll sing a couple tunes. She likes to serve. So she'll get your stuff and it's nice.

Because she enjoys it. Betty Boop's a good person for that. You like a good... She makes a fart. Betty Boop. Eddie, that was Holden. This is Holden talking. It was me?

That was you. That was me? Yeah, it was you. Oh, my God. Yeah. Eat the cat and his big girlfriend. Yeah, they're great. Lullabell or Annabelle?

Wait, by the way, real quick, Ben Kissel did not also say Heathcliff would be attending this Thanksgiving. You already took Heathcliff. I didn't know. You can double up. You can? I mean, how can he be in two places at once? What do you mean?

I didn't know we could double up. Yeah, we could double up. You can do droopy. Do you remember WWF Superstars? I also have Macho Man, but the cartoon. Ooh. Then I'm picking Bo Jackson from Pro Stars. Oh!

He makes a great pumpkin pie. I swear to God, they sell them all over the place. He's got... Bo Jackson pumpkin pie? Bo Jackson makes great pie. I'm going... And he hunts his own turkeys.

I'm going in mush mouth. Mush mouth? Mush mouth. Oh, yeah. I'm doing Fat Albert. He's coming to your... He's coming to dinner. Oh, my God.

Yeah, you're doing the voice of Bill Cosby? Nope. Don't drink nothing. Good lord. And finally, I will take... Link from Zelda. From Zelda?

Link's not a cartoon. Yes, it was. There was an animated cartoon of all Nintendo characters. They were all joined forces together, and Link was in it. Yep. And he had his own comic book. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm giving him that one.

I'm going with that Thanksgiving. That's a pretty solid Thanksgiving. I mean, it would go for you if you hadn't cheated, Ben. I didn't cheat. Porky Pig was a great guy. Yeah, Porky Pig was great. I'd love to have Bobby Hill at Thanksgiving, but unfortunately you disqualified yourself.

Well, I didn't, so that's fine. Okay, so that's this episode. Anything to plug from anybody who is on the show right now? Twitter. Eddie Tuzzo on Twitch. We're playing GTA V now on Lexi Loves Game Night, and we're going to have Danny Tamberelli over and Ed, I hope we'll also have you

over in an episode soon. Oh, we'll totally nail it down. We'll throw it down. Let's nail it down. So we can murder Ed and Danny's character as well. Oh, that'll be great for GTA 5.

Yeah, because he plays the bratty son. That's right. He's great. I've been playing it right now. It's fucking hilarious and they even made him

look like Danny Tamberelli. I forgot even made him look like Danny Tamberelli. I forgot how much he looks like Danny Tamberelli. He looks exactly like him. It's really incredible. It's weird to play GTA 5 knowing Danny. So we're going to have him over. Not this Monday, but next Monday. So, yeah, yeah.

I also want to say I went in for an audition this week for a video game. And the breakdown was pretty incredible this is all true um it was uh the role is george the character breakdown is large giant man developmentally disabled simple and sweet they know it's a video game advantage of his has been taking advantage of his whole life due to his size think Think Lenny from Mice and Men. He could have got anybody. It's not like you. They're going to do like a mo-cap.

It's a mo-cap thing. They'll mo-cap it. So that's good. I want an audition for a Slim Jim commercial. I don't think I got it. Yeah. I did Applebee's. Definitely didn't get it. You didn't get it got it. Yeah. Yeah, I did Applebee's. Definitely didn't get it.

You didn't get it? No. Why not? Definitely didn't. Didn't want me. They weren't looking for kind of a strange waiter. Didn't want me. I said, hey, cows, I'm ready to work.

And then they refused to put me on tape. Huh. Travis? Travis, what do you got going on? You can find me at Travis Irvine USA on Twitter and after Ben kicks me out of the apartment

I'll be moving back to Beaver Ohio to start my own nacho restaurant call it nacho restaurant that's right it's my fucking restaurant okay

that's the show oh no Brighter Side listen to Brighter Side please listen to Brighter Side Wizard and the Bruiser Wizard and the Bruiser

yes Abe Lincoln's top hat. Ground Table of Gentlemen. New and noteworthy. New and noteworthy. Even though very not new, but definitely noteworthy. I guess noteworthy. There we go. Alright, goodbye everybody. Bye everybody. For more shows like the one

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