The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 307: No One Is Better Than Playing Cards

Episode Date: November 29, 2016

Erik Bergstrom joins the gang to explore expensive holes, #MattressGateRedux, the illiteracy of guest producer Travis, and how no one person is better than playing cards.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. We got a victory beer

for six in a row. Miami Dolphins. I sent out for Miami Dolphins Bud Lights. You sent them out? I sent out for them. I see. I had them mailed to me. It cost an extra $50. You really did that?

$50? $50? For how many Bud Lights?-0 or 1-5? 5-0. $50? For how many Bud Lights? Well, it's like, well, plus how much the Bud Lights were. Quit trying to upsell it. How many did you get? 18. Why are you drinking it? So you paid like $78 for an 18. Because it's a victory beer. I got one for every win, baby.

That's your children's college fund right there. Well, they're not going to college. I'm living life large. We're good to go, Ben, if no one's going to debate you on that. Yeah, Travis, we've already begun. Oh, all right. This is the start of the show. This is how we're going to yell at each other.

No, I'm just saying. He's like, okay, we're ready to go. I was expecting the host to come out of you. This is the beginning of it. We're talking, we're talking. Just immediately, Travis went out of his way to come out here and record this fucking show. Thank you, Travis, for letting me know when to start the show that I've been hosting for seven years. What is going on?

That is not how a Miami Dolphins fan would act. I'll tell you that. Miami Dolphins fans are appreciative. So how would you talk to Travis right now, Ed? Hey, nobody. What's going on? You want to party? Yeah, you want to party? Yeah, give him some cocaine. You know, you talk to Travis right now, Ed? Hey, nobody, what's going on? You want to party? Yeah, you want to party?

Yeah, give him some cocaine. All right, Marcus. You know, you want to get real? You want to just fucking H-train? You want a heroin? You want a heroin? There you go.

Why can't you offer drugs? Well, he just offered him a series of one of the worst drugs in the nation or in the world, heroin. Real. Crocodile. All right.

Marcus is gone. He's having Thanksgiving with his family and his beautiful girlfriend. He's busy. So, Travis, thank you for everything you're doing. So the Dolphins are doing great. They're on the ground. They're in the air. They're always in control.

And when you say Miami, you're talking Super Bowl because they're the Miami Dolphins. Miami Dolphins. Live your life better. You're too tall. I'll start the show as soon as Travis tells me to. And begin.

All right. How exciting is that? Well, that's great. Well, happy Thanksgiving weekend, everybody. I hope your Monday is going great and I hope you're extremely hungover and fatter than you were the last Monday. Truth. We do have to do a prayer. We do that every episode.

It's holding. It is. Everybody close your eyes. You're a part of a guided meditation now. The singular consciousness swimming inside of itself with gusto and reveries. Yes, it is a gusto and reverie. Isn't it indeed, Ed? You big, stupid, fucking closed eyes idiot.

You're an idiot. Seems like you're attacking Ed for no reason during your prayer, and I don't know why. Ed's a mean. I've only been nice to you. He's actually been extremely nice to you. Everyone else doesn't like you. Eddie has been the sole reason why we still speak with you. I took Holden on a vacation to Philadelphia.

That was, he actually did. It was very nice. It was supposed to be a romantic getaway for him and his lady, but instead it was me in the room with him. He literally took me on an all-expenses-paid vacation. This is against my will. Close your bastard eyes! I think I'd rather be Tom Hanks in the movie Philadelphia than having to go and hang out with Holden for a weekend in Philadelphia. Smell the freshly cut grass. You can see the white lines being painted down.

Ready to go. You hear the cheering of the fans. And you see that green costume with the pads and the orange on it. Is it a shrimp? No, no, no, no. We're talking about the Miami Dolphins. But wait. Hold on a second.

There is an incoming team to play baseball? That's right. For the Super Bowl win, the Miami Dolphins must play both football and baseball at the same time. Unfair! Unfair! We are the Jumbo Trip. Here to play a game. Tell me where to start the show and we'll start it up.

Miami. Let's just start from the top. We are the Jumbo Trip. Here to play a game. Take the ball from goal to goal like no one's ever seen. Now, over your eyes, sweeping the nation right now, Ben. There's a lot to talk about. Our fans on the internet are screaming for this song to be –

somebody actually wrote a version of it on Facebook. It's incredible. They put it to music. Other people, they cannot get it out of their heads. I've been getting texts, emails. This song is a surefire hit. Katy Perry, they cannot get it out of their heads. I've been getting texts, emails. This song is a surefire hit. Katy Perry, are you listening?

Stevie Wonder, are you listening? I could, I could, well, Stevie Wonder definitely is listening. Um, I think that you... He's blind! We know, man! He's blind! He's extra hearing. Oh. I love Stevie Wonder. And he smells like a fox. Oh, I love Stevie Wonder. And he smells like a fox.

Oh, I've actually, I have heard that. No, yeah, he stinks. No, he doesn't stink. He smells wonderful. Anyway, you can put fireworks on your butt cheeks and you can be like the Katy Perry of the Jumbo Shrimp song. Totally. Oh, yeah, that would be fun. So it's a big, fun song.

Everybody loves it. Ben Kissel, you have caused quite the stir as well. I'm sorry. We're kind of jumping into things a little bit here. You are jumping into things. I hadn't even said who's here. That's right, Holden. Hashtag mattress gate.

I'm on prayer. Hashtag mattress gate. Whoa. That's how you're ending your guided meditation? Absolutely. Open your eyes. Free to the world. All right.

So thank you, Holden, for being here once again for another week. Okay. Ben, this is where you introduce Holden, for being here once again for another week. Okay. Ben, this is where you introduce the guests, by the way. Travis, I will throw you out of the window, although we're in a basement. We are in a bunker. We are like Stalin during what he thought it might be his last days. Holden already used the screeching ka-cha noise, which is my normal introduction. Eric Bergstrom is with us.

He survived cancer, and he is currently looking just wonderful. Oh, I thank you. You are. You're looking great. The cancer did me something great. It's the jacket. It's not the cancer. It's the jacket.

It's the jacket. The jacket. I take this off, and I just dissolve the dust. So you're freshly dumped. Yeah, but. Can we talk about who he is? I don't think you can say who he's freshly dumped. That's why I said survived cancer.

You guys are not being very gratuitous gratitude. What are you talking about? Gratuitous gratitude? Gratuitous gratitude? Of a Thanksgiving weekend. I want the smile. I'm smiling. You're all being neneries, and I don't appreciate it.

Well, I'm sorry. No, no. Talk your way back through it. Jackie, I would never disagree with you, and I don't appreciate it. Well, I'm sorry. No, no. Talk your way through it. Jackie, I would never disagree with you, and I agree with you now. My mom is dead. No. No. Eddie, I had a great Thanksgiving in heaven.

Did you know? He's Jewish. Jesus is Jewish. I made my favorite ham. He don't eat any of it. It's your birthday today. No, four months moratorium. No, yesterday was.

Oh, happy birthday, Mama Kathleen. Yes. We love you so much. But we're kind of glossing past the fact that Jackie literally just called us nanneries. I don't know what a nannery is. It's bad! I'll tell you that much. Do we know that it's bad?

Oh, are we certain it's bad? Oh, definitely. I think it's a soft banana. And who likes a fucking soft-ass banana? If you gotta make some bread, it's bad. Oh, definitely. I think it's a soft banana. And who likes a fucking soft-ass banana? If you gotta make some bread, it's great. I don't know, you gotta touch

that banana soft-ass. Num-num in my bread. Eric Bergstrom, thanks so much for being here. Thank you. Let's just do the plugs up top.

Yeah, plugs up top. To Omni Central, half hour, yours was amazing. Thank you. I appreciate it. But before you watch that, give a little watch to Twitch, Holdenator's Hell. Check me out.

I don't think it's quite the same. And then maybe if you are still in the mood to see something. You do yours from your living room. He went to a theater. People came to see him. Yeah, paid lots of money, I'm pretty sure, to do it to. He was on national television. The time commitment is arguable.

I had a Netflix special come out this week. Michael Che Matters. Did you work on that? Yeah, I had a Netflix special come out this week. Michael Che matters. Did you work on that? Yeah, I was in it. I was the star. Really? You were Michael Che? Yeah, I was in blackface, and I dressed as Michael Che, and I did this material.

Oh, wow. That's amazing. Black is slimming. Good. There you go. Twitch, hold Nader's hoe. Good. Just as relevant.

And maybe Comedy Central afterwards you could see something like that. My whole special is a promo for Twitch, to be honest. Top to bottom. All the crowd work. Video games. Just Twitch. Video games are the new comedy special. They're not. Nope.

All right. So video games are much more popular than comedy. Yes. You had a good time doing that Comedy Central half hour. Oh, it was hell. No, I had fun. I had fun. Where did you do it? No, that was out of Boston, right? No, it was in New Orleans. Oh, it was hell. I had fun. That was out of Boston, right?

No, it was in New Orleans. Oh, you guys did New Orleans. Hotest homeless ladies I've ever seen in New Orleans. I bet that's a good statistic. They're young and 24 hour drinking. It's beautiful. Wow, that's great. And I took a nap by the river alone. It was very good.

That's very nice. Tested out homelessness. I did. Oh, took it for a spin. Now, Eric, you've been described as a pussy monger. What's it like now that you've been freshly dumped? Are you just raining in it? Is it just fucking flying at you? I don't know if he wants us to talk about how he's been dumped recently.

No, I don't think he wants to talk about how he's been dumped. I'm talking about after he got soul-crushingly dumped and he's been getting a bunch of pussy lately. More importantly, how about I not tell each other, tell you guys the details, and you guys continue to debate my dumping. Okay. Let's see. All right. I'm going to go with okay. What happened?

What went wrong? It was like Kate and Leopold, and so she had to go back to the past. She's drinking too much. Was she a princess? Was she a princess? About as close as I've been with. Is it possible? So lovely.

He's still in love with her. He's still in love with her. Hey, she said that I could text her in a week. There you go. That's wonderful. She has a beautiful level of control over me. I think she's a fun party girl. That's wonderful.

And yeah, you got to let the girl go. I think you got a great situation here. I think she should go back down to New Orleans now, freshly single, get one of those homeless people. He's from that river. Yeah. You can go the fuck in the river. It's real muddy. You can get in there.

All right. Is this mud season? I'm a mud season man. I don't think Eric wants to discuss this right now. It's very... It's very new. It just very... It's very new. It just happened. It's very recent.

It's a new, beautiful thing. Am I rolling in pussy? Top ten most beautiful comedians on earth. Eric Bergstrom. As according to who? BuzzFeed. BuzzFeed. Wow.

And BuzzFeed doesn't do anything wrong. All their websites, all their stories are accurate. And so you are the top ten. Yeah, what's that other thing? Brit Bart? Or what is it? Bright Bart. Bright Bart.

No, not BuzzFeed. Bright Bart. Bright Bart's number one comedian. I look like a Nazi. They love it. You do. I mean, you have sort of gone full on like Skeeter from Doug or a neo-Nazi. That is great.

He's green. I don't like it. Oh, that's fine. He's always sick. Kissel, I can see you've been trying to evade the topic at hand. The internet is fucking furious. I am trying to get to Jack. They're not furious.

The internet loves everybody. Everyone's very upset. Very upset. There have been calls. Furious is not a word. Calls for your impeachment. A petition on Change.org signed by your own roommate, no less, to get you off the show because of this mattress that still, I would claim. I don't agree with this. I don't agree with it either.

I don't agree with impeachment. I don't want to do the show. You can't impeach a person who doesn't want to be here. If anything, they would force me to be here every week until I die. Is that mattress still in the corner of your living room? That mattress has been a fully functioning entity in my apartment.

Jackie, you're here. I did offer you the mattress on social media. Okay, let's get this story here, Jackie, please. I just want to hear her side of it. I don't even think we should get into it. I have been very busy at work. I check my Facebook, not my Messenger, just the Facebook, and I see it blew up mattress gate. I didn't even know what was going on.

Gigantic. Because I don't check Facebook Messenger. Who here checks Facebook Messenger? I do every single day. I do. I check it. You check it? Every day.

Not when I'm at work baking pies. Yeah, you can't do it when you're baking pies. You weren't at work every waking second. I don't have the app. I don't give a fuck about it. I will never look at it. Why don't you check it if you don't have the app? That's why I don't check it.

Because I don't have it. Because it says every time I click it, they're like, oh, you have to have the app. Well, I said, Jackie, if you really need the mattress, you can have it. And you know what, Jackie? And then everyone said. It's off the table. Whoa! The offer doesn't stand.

The offer sits. The offer is all done. It is the FDR of offers. It does not stand. I'm impeached. I'm impeaching myself. Now you can't around yourself. You have to stay here for this.

Unbelievable. I saw in all caps on that Facebook page, Jackie gets the mattress. Hold it. We need to catch Eric up. And now it's done. How big is this mattress? It's a small mattress. Oh, boy. For you?

No, it is a queen size mattress. It's very expensive. That he will not use. He got it free. It's a Casper mattress. Oh, it's a Casper queen size mattress? Yes. And he won't use it. I'll take it. No. No. You can'tper mattress. Oh, it's a Casper queen-size mattress? Yes. And he won't use it.

I'll take it. No, no, no. You can't take it. You're late to the game. Yeah, I'll take it. Are you serious? I'll give you 50 bucks to take it. Oh!

Unbelievable. Wait, where is it? Eric, I will come to your house, and I will cut off your nipples, and I will wear them like eye patches. Win-win. If you get that mattress. Let's do this in that muddy river. That's the problem. He likes stuff like that. He's do this in that muddy river. That's the problem.

He likes stuff like that. He's into stuff like that, Jackie. Damn it. It's a jacket. It's that leather jacket. It is. Made of nips. Even.

Anyway, so yes, the Casper mattress is doing just fine. Mattress gate is way overblown. Whoa. Wow. How'd you get a free mattress? We got a free mattress. They're a sponsor for one of the shows here on CCR. Sponsor for last podcast. I love their illustrations. Their drawings are mattress. They're a sponsor for one of the shows here on CCR.

I love their illustrations. Their drawings are great. They're great. On the subway, it's fun stuff. Oh, absolutely. And Ben Kissel refuses to use it, and the internet has become something of a moving beast. I'm anybody. Jackie's anybody, too.

I offered 200 bucks. He wouldn't give it to me. And then you bought your own mattress. I bought my own fucking mattress for an extra thousand on top of it. It's just the flip-flopping. Was it dolphins themed? I wish. Oh, my God.

In the shape of a dolphin? A mattress? Yeah. That would be difficult to sleep on. It would have to be a waterbed, too. I'll sleep on a dolphin. Slip off it all the time? Yeah.

Put your head in a fin or something? You have to keep it wet? Yeah, it's filled with dolphin meat. Stuffed with dolphin meat. That's cool, man. Num, num. It's just a real living dolphin. I'm going to change my life.

Smells like blood. Absolutely. All right, we'll get back to mattress game. It's all good. Yeah, we will get back to mattress game. It's just the flip-flop. It's the constant, oh, it's one way. Jackie gets a mattress.

Now she doesn't, magically. No, now she doesn't. Magically. No, now she doesn't get it. And we don't know whether that image was doctored or not, to be honest. It wasn't doctored. I can't do anything on social media. I can't do that. Oh, you've done quite enough on social media, Ben Kissel. Jackie, did you actually get the message?

I did not get the message. Oh! She doesn't have Messenger. All right. But why didn't you text me? Yeah. Why wouldn't you text Jack? I don't even think...

You have my phone number. I know it now. We'll Facebook message each other. I know it now. We're tired of talking to each other. We're tired of picking up the phone. We text each other all the time about the goings-on of podcasts. Yeah, but this is Mattressgate.

With Facebook Messenger, you can have a private conversation that's not... Yes, unlike text messages. You're right. Those are the... Yeah, that's it. The billboard goes up with all your text messages, and it starts streaming. It's just all these wild claims.

And then the next second, oh, does that even look like a mattress? And then someone commented with a video of someone unboxing a Casper mattress to show proof. It's just a constant... It's all smoke and mirrors with Ben Kissel. It's all just here today, gone tomorrow. I had no point for the Casper to say

that it had to become a mattress. You know, is a caterpillar not an insect worthy of love? Does it have to become a butterfly in order for us to care for it? Yes! The mattress is filled with ghosts. Friendly ghosts.

I'm playing Pokemon lately. Are you really? Yeah. The new one. I really like it. It's the iPhone? The new one, no. Why are you regressing this bad? I really like it. It's the new game that came out. What is it on?

The Nintendo 3DS. Oh, I have one of those. So you're just lying down playing a child's game? Yes. You're 35. I'm sometimes watching TV. If you get one, we can trade. I will never do it.

Are you 35? No. 34? Not yet. I saw The Edge of 17 this week. I would never do it. Are you 35? No. 34? Not yet. I saw The Edge of 17 this week. How was that? What the hell is that? It's a children's thing.

It's a teeny movie. Is everyone regressing? Can we not just be adults? I'm reading Harry Potter. I'm playing Pokemon, and I'm loving life more than I've ever loved it in my life. It doesn't change the fact that father time will collect you in a shorter amount of years. Does that mean death? Yes. I want one of you.

You will be collected no matter how childish your activities are. Just like I'm collecting Pokemon. It's a beautiful life circle. Jackie, you gotta get the game. We'll battle our monsters. I just feel like people who cling to childhood things are trying to pretend as if that means they're not going to become elderly and die.

But you're just going to become elderly and everyone's going to think you're autistic. And then you're going to be dead and everyone's going to be like, what did he like? And they'll be like, he liked what an 8-year-old liked. I feel younger. Do you want 70-year-old people to just collect bedpans? What's wrong with collecting a bedpan? Voltron-themed bedpans? Yeah, don't you remember the Twilight Zone movie?

They all like kick the can on the inside. Well, kick the can's a great game. That is actually pretty fun. We should probably play that after this, you guys down. Kick the can? Yeah, we'll put nugs in the can, so whoever gets the can... So you ruin our weed? No, I'm not ruining...

You don't ruin weed by kicking it, Eddie. Yeah, you ruin weed by fucking it. Yeah, you ruin that river. You're putting your filthy cum all over it. Yeah, you jizz all over those nugs. They're all sticky and they stick to your bum. Okay, thank you, Holden. Travis, when do we start the show?

Come nugs. Well, I'm Ed Larson. Hey, what's up, Eddie? How you doing? How you doing, buddy? Congratulations on the Dolphins victory. Thank you very much. Holdenators ho.

Holdenators ho. You haven't even done this yet. It's not even a song at this point. It's kind of a song. It's a stroke. This is one of the most beautiful lines here. Here's the bridge. I like it.

Oh, yeah, throw the money bridge. I like it. Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money. Oh, yeah, throw money around. All right. Do you have shout-outs, or did you forget to bring them again? I forgot. You forgot. Okay, so let's throw to a story to Travis. Travis, this is your- Eric Bergstrom's here.

Oh, whoa. We have a Barnett. Do you remember when we introduced Eric earlier? It wasn't at the right moment. It was at the perfect moment. But we didn't say he was sitting in for Kevin Barnett. Okay. Eric Bergstrom's here.

He's sitting in for Kevin Barnett. Speaking of money, card game creator Cards Against Humanity has raised more than $82,000 to dig a hole for absolutely no reason. It is, in the truest sense of the phrase, a money pit. Throughout Black Friday, as Americans spent billions on shopping, the makers of a popular card game convinced thousands of people to give them money

so that they could dig a hole. And that's it. The pit isn't intended for any other use. Those who will pay will not receive anything in return.

And the company has said that it will only continue digging as long as people continue to give money. I give Travis a 6 out of 10 on reading that story. We're not going to judge Travis on reading.

Okay, first of all... I give you a 7.5. 7.5? I give a 10 out of 10. 7 that story. We're not going to judge Travis on reading. Okay, first of all. I give you a 7.5. I give a 10 out of 10. I just think that we're going really meta here. So now we're just judging my story reading. I would have messed up the word popular, and I just didn't feel it. That's not very popular.

All right, let's take it from the top, everybody. Take it from the top. Let us reintroduce the whole show. Podnators, ho! Hi, from the top. Let us reintroduce the whole show. Porninators. Oh, money, money, money. Hi, I'm Eric. Good to see you. Watch Twitch. I'm impeached.

Why do people listen? I hate cards against humanity. Not that many people listen. I've always hated these fuckers. It's fun. It's a stupid fucking game. I've played it once. It was fun.

You're smarter than the cards that you get. Yeah. Like, you're better at the shitty things you would come up with. I'm not better than cards. You're better than cards. No one's better than playing cards. Everyone's better than the cards that you get. Yeah. Like, you're better at the shitty things you would come up with. I'm not better than cards. You're better than cards. No one's better than playing cards. Everyone's better than playing cards. I don't have it with Eric on the show.

Wow. Okay, fine. We got to do a debate. No one's better than cards. You heard it here. Ben Kissel. No one is better than a playing card. No one's better than a playing card.

I agree with that. Have you seen a Jack of Diamonds lately, brah? What? You're out of your mind, Dan. You're out of your mind. No, I actually, I am pro cards against humanity. I think they're a fun necessity

specifically in this PC culture. Think for yourself. We need to have people, but you know, people who don't think for themselves, they want to have a little fun, they want to get a little blue, but they don't necessarily

want to be blamed for the negative things they're saying. Such a pussy way of being dirty is playing that fucking game. It is a bit, Eddie. Oh, I said a bad thing because the card made me do it. But we have to give them a cuss. You pussy fuck.

Well, let them. That's how I feel. Well, I know. Jackie's shaking her head yes. I think Jackie agrees. I'm not against it. I got Jackie. I completely agree.

I really hate this fucking game. It's kind of fun, though. I would rather play apples to apples and get creative with being dirty. It's like, you can be dirty, use your brain, rather than being like, it says the word Holocaust on it.

Make fun of a Jew! You can make fun of a Jew whenever you want! A Jewish individual! Fun of a Jew whenever you want. Whenever the fuck you want! Eddie is technically Jewish, so if he approves of your comment, pull my pants down and slap my piney. Yeah, get him hard and then masturbate him and come all over the nugs. Have you had your pants pulled down lately?

It happened to me about two weeks ago. Who did it? And it was the funniest thing. You got pantsed? Doug pantsed me. Well, your boyfriend did it. He was trying to have sex with you. No, no, in front of other people. What if you put that on a piece of juice? Doug pantsed me. No, but in front of other people. No, no, in front of other people.

That's true love. That was pretty funny, though. What if he got too much of it? I had a really long shirt on, so even if my pussy was hanging out, no one would have seen it. It was in front of friends? Yeah, it was in front of friends. I hadn't been pantsed in so long.

That's just love. You guys should really pants somebody. I laugh. I almost die. I think if I pantsed Lexi, I would be thrown up through the roof of my apartment up to the ceiling. She would be so mad. If it's fun. In a comic book way, she would hurt me.

Yeah, sounds like that character. What was that Will Smith's superhero character in that show? Petey the Pedophile. It was not that. Yeah, Petey the Pedophile. I love that guy. Well, it wasn't that character. It was.

Remember that character he played? Yeah, yeah. Tiny Boy's Johnny Boy. Oh, that's my favorite. I love these heroes. They're great. Technically, I will take that one. Yo, Holmes, smell your lady.

Tiny Boy's Johnny Boy. Down the street. Nothing wrong with that. Squirting down the street. Squirting down the street. Squirting down the street. You're right the street. Squirting down the street. Hey, hey, hey, hey. All right, so they just dug a hole, huh, Travis?

That's right. A hole. Where are they digging it? The China. I was really hoping you wouldn't ask me that because that is the one thing they did not say in the article. I think they're just digging a fucking hole because they got nothing fucking better to do.

And this drives me mad. It shows how uncreative these fucking pieces of shit are. It's like the potato salad thing all over again. I don't like these guys. You are, they are fake. They won't even stand to their guns.

They got some, remember when transsexuals got mad at them because of one of the cards? And then they got rid of it? And it wasn't even a trans person that got upset. It was some other random,

you know, soccer mom somewhere. What did the card say? What bathroom did they use? Yeah, it was so stupid. It was some other random soccer mom somewhere. What did the card say? What bathroom did they use? Yeah, it was so stupid. It was really stupid. You're going to do this kind of thing? You stick to your guns.

I agree, but it is kind of funny to spend a bunch of money digging a hole. I mean, Marcus would appreciate this. Yeah, but if anybody digs a hole in something, it's a transsexual. Well, it could go the other way as well. Making the joke is funnier than relying on the card to make the joke. Oh, he read that from a card. I saw him pull the card out of his pocket. He's full of cards.

Jackie, if you could give Travis one piece of advice to improve his performance right now, what would it be? Cut your hair. Damn it. He has long hair. Leave him alone. I cut my hair. I can say the word popular. Is it just my hair or is it. He has great hair. Leave him alone. I cut my hair. I can say the word popular. Is it just my hair or is it just long hair in general?

Yeah. It's in general? No. You should do what I did. I had really long hair. Then I got cancer and then I had to. There you go. No, I'm kidding.

Quick haircut. It looks great. Don't do it. Don't do it. I don't really feel that way. He's a cancer cow because he's been milking it for two years. No, I'm kidding. It looks great. Quick haircut. It looks great. Quick haircut. Don't do it. Don't do it. I don't really feel that way as a person. I'm just Andrew Cow because he's been milking it for two years. Yeah, two years. No one cares, Bergstrom.

Even before. Good. Honestly, I was more of envisioning Marcus. Marcus needed the haircut, but he got the haircut. That's true. Thank God. He was like, I'm going to grow my hair out long. I was like, oh, yeah, because you look like a swamp human when you do that.

You don't look like Dirty Bird, though. Yeah, Dirty Bird. Would you leave the guy alone? He's an introvert who's producing the show as a favor. I'm saying Marcus looked like a Dirty Bird. You're the one who attacked him in the beginning. I didn't attack him in the beginning. I stood by him.

I gave him my mattress. Flip. You want the mattress? Flopper. Flip Flopper. Do you want some Flip Flops? You can wear them around your flip flop and flippy flop home, you flip. You waffle of a human.

Yeah. Without syrup on it and no one likes a dry waffle. Take that dry, awful waffle back into the kitchen and put some syrup on it, or I don't want it. Technically, no insults have been leveled against me yet, which is good. No. That's fine.

I was just making a joke. No, no, it's fine. It's too much. It was too much. Too much. Too much. Yes. I shouldn't make fun of people No, no, it's fine. It's too much. It was too much. Too much. Too much. Yes. I shouldn't make fun of people by saying that they should have cancer. You're absolutely

wrong. Oh, is this what fucking Cards Against Humanity is teaching us? This is it. No, be worse. We have the freedom. Yeah, you should start showing up dressed like a bat. Okay. And I'll start showing up dressed like a rat. Yeah. And then we panch the bat in the head. I'll be a big cigarette.

You guys will fight over me. I'm going to smoke you. I'm going to smoke you. I showed up dressed like a cigarette. It's not a video podcast, though. I think it would just make it more difficult. No. It would just be a lot of rustling.

Yeah. Oh, I guess that's true. Jackie, instead, thank you for showing up in your bat costume. Thank you, Holden, for also being a rat. You don't have to wink at each other again. It's an audio platform here. I'm the butt of this joke. Yeah!

Get off the car, you freak! Giant cigarette wins. Put it on a card. Put it on a card. Put it on a card. Cards are better than us. Cards are better than human beings. Waiting for death. Oh, God.

Very good. Have you ever seen a four of clubs? No, I never actually did. Yeah, I have. You useless. I'm useless. I think you're great. Actually, I think you're doing a good job.

I'm useless. No, I think. Because I don't like the four clubs. I'm saying you do a great job, but your opinion on cards is useless. Travis. Can you get rid of Holden? Holden, you're gone. All right.

I'm out. See you later. Wow. Really? That's it. Travis, let's go to a story. Story number two. Travis, let's see it. And we will be scoring. Let's start the show. Pop it. Travis, let's go to a story. Story number two. Travis, let's see it.

And we will be scoring. Let's start the show. Pop it. Speaking of transsexuals from about four minutes ago. No. Redo it. Oh, you like that one? I liked it.

Okay. All right. I've been outruled. Was it really four minutes, though? Please. He would know. He's got a clock in front of him. Pornhub just produced its first music video, and it's pretty good.

Let's hit it again, though. Who did it? Pornhub just produced its first music video, and it's pretty good. Let's hit it again, though. Pornhub just produced its first music video. Pornhub just produced its first music video. I think you said Hormel. And it's pretty good. Oh, my God. Can Hormel Jelly produce a music video? We need more stories like that.

Piggies sucking on each other. All right. So what else happened? So Pornhub has produced a music video. Isn't that fun? Your father's music industry is officially dead, which means anyone and everyone can get involved. That includes the adult industry,

which commands huge mindshare on videos, but far less on the audio side. Now, one of the most powerful players in porn just took a giant step in the music business. About two years ago, Pornhub actually made a huge splash when the company announced Pornhub Records, and now they're producing a full-blown music video for newcomer...

Full-blown newcomer. Newcomer. Got it. Mickey Blanco. Although the video doesn't feature any nudity... Shit, come on. That's okay. No, that's fine.

He's looking right at me. I can jerk off. It's around me all. We're looking's fine. He's looking right at me. It's throwing me off. We're looking at you because you're telling us a story. You're doing great. See, Travis, now you understand my creepypasta situation. Everyone's like, oh, my God.

Although the video doesn't feature any nudity, it does start with an explicit epilepsy advisory. So how can other artists get involved in Pornhub's music operation? Pornhub president Corey Price has said that artists can... Oh! Cut your hair! One more sentence. Okay. Pornhub president Corey Price has said that artists can contact the site or simply create your own adult film with your own music.

And Pornhub should expand. That makes a lot of sense. They're a very heavily trafficked website. Why not? They should have taken care of Obamacare as a matter of fact. Three out of ten heavily trafficked website. Why not? They should have taken care of Obamacare as a matter of fact. Three out of ten. He originally had

a four out of ten, but then we had that extra gaffe thrown in. I was going to give him a 5.8 on that. I think it's still a nine out of ten. No one understands.

A lot of stops and starts and it just went too long. I thought we were all talking a lot. Well, you got to push through. You got to take charge. Also, you want to add the visual context. I'm wriggling and looking terrified.

So that's kind of fun. That's what we're looking. Can we listen to the album? Yeah, I have it queued up here. Is it horny? Will the audience be able to hear it? Is it just mostly on the headphones? On the headphones.

I trust you guys. Oh, no wonder there's an influence. Oh yeah, I see that. Oh, no wonder there's a new one. Oh, yeah, I see that. Okay, well, it's very sexual. Oh, this is Pornhub. Yeah. What do you mean there's no nudity? It's borderline...

The Hellman should do a video for Pornhub. That'd be kind of fun. Okay, I've heard enough. It's... It's wild. Fast forward to the end. Why are they putting the clothes on? Oh, this is...

Oh, my God. He looks like a Hasidic goat. I just can't. I like the red paint on his forehead. Okay, that's enough. And they're all just sitting around playing the... Wait, what band is this? Somebody called Mickey Blanco.

Oh, Mickey Blanco. Mickey Blanco. That's fun. Mickey Blanco. He said Mickey at first. He did not say Mickey. Yo soy. Mickey the white. It's like my affectation to did not say Mickey. Joe Soy. Mickey the White.

It's like my affectation to misspeak now. It's the thing he does. Yeah. It's Travis' thing. I just feel like you found someone to bully Holden. No, no, no. And you're being very mean-spirited towards our guest producer. That looks like Fisher Spooner.

Who the hell is that? Something from 10 years ago plus. Thank you, Eric. Very descriptive. What's that? Bergstrom 10 years ago plus. Thank you, Eric. Very descriptive. What's that? Bergstrom's? Come on. Just mundane, boring things.

I like it. I just enjoy the wheat. You know, there is like people do that on YouTube and get paid to talk softly because it gives certain people have a thing where they get tinglys. ASMR. ASMR, right? Tinglys. I don't like it.

I don't like it. I think you could get into the business of just talking softly about your day or like going grocery shopping or something like that. And people pay big buckos. You're telling me to get out of comedy. I am telling you to get out of comedy. I'm just telling you to get some free cash. Oh, I like free cash. Maybe you eating guacamole.

I bet you that would do very well because they like that. That's what they like. They like that sound. We're not doing it. More chewing. Okay. They like a lot of chewing. They really do. We've been showing some videos there. well because they like that that's what they like they like that sound yeah we're not doing it more chewing okay they like a lot of chewing they really do we've been showing some videos there asmr or something i don't fully understand but it is a sexual thing because we showed a video in washington dc at uh at the comedy club over there and a woman raised her hand and was

completely aroused so i thought that was kind of weird that's how you knew she was aroused well i asked who was aroused and a woman raised her hand and said she was. I just start using that in the bedroom. Are you aroused? Raise your hand. When you are aroused. Heads down, thumbs up.

That actually would be nice. It would be good. Just in general, if you're ever aroused, sitting around at home, just raise your hand and I'll know what that means and we don't have to talk because as soon as we start doing dirty talk, I,

I immediately turn them off, right? Yeah. By them, I mean the girlfriend I've had for many years, right? So it's always like,

yeah, you want to fuck like a big fun baby or something like that, you know? Yeah. That'll get her. Yeah,

you want to slide on my fucking hog like a slug. Yeah. Yeah, so you call her you want to slide on my fucking hog like a slug. Yeah. Yeah, so you call her a slug. No, no, no, like a slug. Oh, yeah. Eric, have you ever wished you died?

From cancer? Like a slug? Oh, no, repeatedly. That cancer. I mean, it might come back. Never fast enough. It's just nice to have that reminder that, like, this doesn't last forever. Exactly.

It's like if, you know reminder that this doesn't last forever. Exactly. It's like if you know, I could kill myself still. Take control of your life. I don't think you should do that either. No, I'm just saying. There's always that option. Don't let cancer

win. No! I think we just found the subject for your ASMR video, though. What is it? I could always kill myself. I could we just found the subject for your ASMR video, though. What is it? I could always kill myself. I could. I could. Oh, my goodness.

Well, it's a great voice. That's very true. Jackie, how are you doing? I'm doing great. Yeah? You worked a lot this week. You were extremely busy. You were at the pie shop.

And that's it. Thank you. All right. Very good. Jackie started making music for Corn Hub. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's called, I take my husk and I put it in my pussy.

I take my corn nipples and I put them in my nose. And I go, shoo, shoo, shoo, snot, snot, snot. Put it in my husk pussy. Husk puss. That was Corn Hub? Corn Hub. What's the. That was Corn Hub? You can find her. What's the name of her first record? That was way more sexual than that Porn Hub video.

Do we know? Husky. Oh. That's good. That would be a perfect corn wrapper, actually. Yeah, you'd be a great corn wrapper. Husky the corn wrapper? Corn with a C.

Ooh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How it's normally spelled. That's you'd be a great corn wrapper. I'll just get the corn wrapper. Corn with a C. Ooh. How it's normally spelled. That's edgy. That is edgy. I creamed. Oh my goodness. Well, yeah, making that cream of corn. Making that cream of corn. I'm popping. That's what I would say to you. Let's shuck.

Oh, yeah. That's the first All Shucks would be your first track. Let's the first. All Shucks would be your first track. Wow. Let's shuck. I really like that. All Shucks or Let's Shuck or Shuck Them Till They're Dead.

Get the shuck out of town. Get the shuck out of town. I'm going to shuck you like a vegetable. Yes. The man shucked her, and she later claimed that it was not consensual. This is great. Non-consensual shucking. Hey, let's get together and ass shuck.

Well, that is an idea. Cornhole. All right, so that's good. And this is what leads to the better reviews on iTunes. There you go. This is really going to do it for us. We could get some bad ones. No, we didn to get one.

My favorite review on iTunes was terrible, and then in the body just said, that's awful. I thought that was pretty funny. That's good. Terrible, that's awful. Just dump two negatives, can turn right around. This is silly, but I once had a book come out, and then there was a review. The top reviewer of goodbooks.com was just like, gave it. Her review was a picture of the Fonz with two thumbs down.

And they're like, hey, that's not cool. You're the top reviewer. You got more to say? And she's like, eh. And then it just devolved to 30 online pages of them having a discussion about how to make soup. Really? It was great. This was your first book review.

That was my first book review. That's amazing. As a matter of fact, plug your book. Where can people get that book? It was at Barnes & Noble. It might not be. You could come to my room and get a copy of Grimmer Tales from Penguin Books. Yeah, check it out. That's right, Barnes & Noble. There's not be. You could come to my room and get a copy of Grimmer Tales from Penguin Books. Yeah, check it out. That's right. Barnes & Nobles.

There's not many of them around. I'm sure you can still find it online. Grimmer Tales. Who gets the last laugh? Barnes & Noble, closing down left and right. Used bookstores are still going. They are doing pretty well. Some used ones. What was the other one? It was Barnes & Nobles.

Borders. Borders. That's right. I loved Borders because he had music and books. And coffee. And coffee. Yeah, but I thought Borders, it was always so pretentious.

It's too controversial these days. Yeah, too controversial. That's right. Borders without borders. They built a wall around their whole building. Henry worked at Borders

for very long. Yes, he did. Yes, he did. He was a big time Borders boy. They put him in the basement. Yeah worked at Borders for very long. Yes, he did. Yes, he did. He was a big-time Borders boy. They put him in the basement. Yeah, they put him in the basement. But he got to choose. Didn't he get, like, picks, like books to pick?

I think he got to pick some fun books and called it Henry's Picks. Oh, like those shelves things that use bookstores. Exactly. I got those. That was really when he was at the top of his game. Yeah, but that was really when he was rocking it. Now he's a minor celebrity. That is the top of the game. Yeah, that was really when he was rocking it. Now he's a minor celebrity.

That is the top of the game. Oh, he's doing very well. Not minor celebrity, celebrity. I did catch Your Pretty Face. Check that out. Speaking of Henry

in a basement, he's great, and I guess maybe he learned from that Borders experience. Are we doing plugs again? Wizard and the Bruiser podcast,

you can check it out anytime you want. Michael Che matters, Netflix. But you're not Michael Che matters, Netflix. But you're not Michael Che. So I don't understand how it's a special. You played him in the special. Four time round table of the year. Wait, wait.

Were you Che back then when he was winning the awards? He's saying, I don't want to get in that deep. Let's just say that I'm him. All right. We're not going to get that deep into it. Travis, Michael Che matters. Netflix. Thank you, Travis.

What are you trying to do now, Travis? Right now? Right now. Travis, you're going to- The horrifying reality that you're currently living. You're going to- I stopped drinking. Did you?

Two weeks? Yeah, two weeks ago. Wait, what is that soda? It's not alcohol. It's soda soda. Something grew. It's Marcus's favorite soda, and he's going to be very upset when one is gone. But at the same time, Marcus needs to get over it.

He's doing Marcus a favor. That's what I said. That's what I'm saying. This is payment for services rendered. Oh, yeah. Payment for service is rendered. Now, you're going to have to read another news story, and I will give you a 9 out of 10 if you do not mess up a single word.

I'm saying that right now. If you do mess up. He is not the host of the show. So don't even listen to him. His words mean less than mine. No, no, no. I'm the score master. The score master's score counts for it.

All right, Travis, begin. Travis, also, you could power to just score master. The score master's score. Okay. All right, Travis. Travis, also, you could power to just mute Holden. If it's F. Oh, you can do whatever you want. Use the board. Holden has a video game podcast. He can't bully me. It's all things nerd culture, Travis.

Clearly, you do not listen to it. We also talk about anime and comic books and films. Is that attitude that let trump win there you go there you go we're all happy you did uh speaking of you speaking of a police state cvs calls cops on men asking for cheese something strange happened to rick berry and his roommate philip blackwell when they went shopping in a Richmond, Virginia CVS last Saturday night. Barry asked the employee for one thing, sliced cheese.

According to Barry, I... Okay, this is not my fault. This is actually misspelled in here. Whoa! All right. Benefit of the doubt. It says, all I asked, which is wrong. All I asked for was sliced cheese,

and she told me that they didn't carry it. Barry said before he knew it, the two employees just vanished. We looked around for 30 minutes, and we couldn't find anybody, Blackwell said. Apparently, a third customer was also in the store. Blackwell said he was actually in the store before we were there. He had a bad tooth, and all he wanted was some Orogel. And then the employees disappeared, and all we just— This is the article.

And we all just became a part of some weird event. Eventually, police showed and asked Barry and Blackwell to leave because the CVS employees were too scared to come out. Thank you, Travis. Nine out of ten. Nine out of ten. You didn't get a word wrong.

What were they doing, though? So they were looking for cheese and they called the police as opposed to giving them the cheese that they were looking for. That seems to be the tale to me. Here's one of the guys. There is a nice-looking guy. Oh, come on, guy. Give me the cheese.

Yeah. That's it. Is that Blackwell? That's Barry. That's Barry. Very nice. He went to a CVS looking for cheese? That's the main problem here.

You can go to a CVS looking for cheese. CVS does have cheese, don't they? They have everything. They have string cheese for sure. We used to call it Cheese VS. No. We always called it that. That was the big nickname.

That was the thing. Back when it was half a cheese store, half a pharmacy. What's the V stand for? Versus. Vagina. Vagina. Vagina. Cheese vagina. Versus. Vagina. Vagina. Vagina.

Vagina. Cheese vagina. Vagina. Vagina. Sounds like you're mentally challenged. I think he is. Vagina. It's really stunning.

Um, okay. Sex is what the S stands for. You idiots! Yeah, cheese vagina sex. Slash pharmacy. Slash pharmacy. Slash pharmacy. Well, I'm here for medication.

I think that's wonderful. I'll have cheese and pills, please. Some pussy in between. Some Gouda and some Oxycontin. Travis, at any time. Give me a good night. You can throw to the final segment from Holden. Oh, I... Wait, how long have we been going?

42 minutes. 42 minutes is about right. It's a little bit early. A little early, so let's push it a little farther. I got one more story. One more story. Let's do one more story. Usually we extrapolate on the stories a little bit.

I gave the last story a five. I didn't like the story. Reading was fine. Well, Travis, it's very hard to find the stories. I'll have you know I read at a 12th grade reading level. There you go. Travis, they're just judgmental. Jackie, what are you giving it? You were looking at your phone halfway through the story,

so I know it can't be good. What are you talking about phone? What phone? I know it can't be good, but what do you give his reading? Whoa. What? 12 out of 10? I'm bumping it.

12 out of 10? That's not a real number. It is a real number. 12 is a real number. Absolutely. All right. I've. 12 is a real number. Absolutely. All right. I've met 12, sir. Speaking of saving the show from itself,

rescue goat suffering from anxiety only calms down in her duck outfit. Meet Polly, an adorable rescue goat who is blind and suffers from severe anxiety. Her owner, Leanne, rescued the baby goat and says Polly suffers from neurological problems. Leanne said the baby goat would often run around and cry if she couldn't find her. Her owner purchased the costume from a store for Halloween, not expecting it to have such a profound effect on her. The duck costume helped Polly...

Ooh. To a mistake. Helped Polly the goat go from anxious and stressed to hashtag blessed. Isn't that fun? Oh, look at it. I look like a duck, and I am thrilled. I love this story.

Equally thrilled. Go dress like a duck. Who could be upset with a goat dressed like a duck? Why not I? I feel like it just gives it a lot of identity issues, a lot of problems. I mean, look, what bathroom is it supposed to use? What bathroom does it go into? Outside on the lawn.

It's got a diaper on, I believe. It looks like it's got a diaper on. It does have a diaper on. Okay, well, that takes two points from the story right there. How do you think it would do if you threw it in a lake? Yeah, I mean, I don't think the duck's part would come alive. Why is that duck eating a can? And what if some unsuspecting duck finds this larger-than-life duck to be somehow attractive?

Oh, my God. Can you imagine? That's a great music video right there. Evolution. All right, Jackie, take it easy. Marcus can't be editing you out all goddamn soon. I know, but I do like his little shoes. Thank you very much. I like that he's got the flippers on his shoes.

But in normal farm standards, the goat would have been killed and eaten. Thank you very much. Because there ain't nothing wrong with the meat. I love goat meat. Yeah. What's up? I love goat meat. I've had goat meat.

I'm a huge fan. Great, right? Hold it. Although I like duck meat, too. Oh, man, I put duck inside my turkey, baby. Oh, my God. To duck it? Yeah, I threw a bunch of duck in the middle of that fucking idiot turkey.

Well, and that is accurate. I was watching that when Obama pardoned those two turkeys, they're too ugly to eat. If I wasn't a consumer of turkey products. Not when you fucking slit their throats. I know, but they're so idiotic. Then they're cute. I feel like the turkey only survives so long because it's so ugly, animals are like, I'm not getting near that damn thing. Have you ever been close to a turkey, though?

They're scary. They're vicious. They're huge. They're all over the place. You make that sound as they puff up their feathers and they're coming at you. Yep. I know it. I give a lot of credit to the first pilgrims, Native Americans, for taking that turkey down.

People think they're just some foul bird, you know, some foul that is easily killed. They're dangerous. I like turkeys just because you can punch them to death. Can you punch them? If you can hit its head, you can throw a turkey between your head. That's my favorite thing about all the things I know. Well, you could do a turkey throw, sure. I'll fucking drown one in the toilet.

And that wouldn't be the worst way for a turkey to go, I suppose. But I don't know. They're so hideous. Anyway. And now for a final segment from Holden. The only segment. The only segment. I gave myself a two out of ten for that one.

And now, here it is. And now for a segment from Holden McNeely. Ha ha, yeah. Joke boy. Holden McNeely back at it again. No, Travis has to do it. Oh, okay. Do you do it.

What line? What was the line? And now for a segment from Holden. And now for a segment from Holden McNeely back at it again. No, Travis has to do it. Oh, okay. Do you do it? What line? What was the line? And now for a segment from Holden. And now for a segment from Holden McNeely. Ha ha! King of the goofbags, Holden McNeely. Back at it again. Here to show y'all how to partay and socialize.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Jaguar looking at me like, hey, man. The only way I can tell you. Today's segment is guys, it's Christmas time. We're gonna have a lot of Christmas. It's not Christmas time. It's Christmas now? It's Christmas time.

Why do you make my life so bad? I don't feel it's Christmas time, but I guess it is. It's not December yet. Doesn't Christmas start December 1st? No. The second Thanksgiving ends, it is. It's not December yet. It's definitely Christmas time. Doesn't Christmas start December 1st? No. The second Thanksgiving ends, it is Christmas time. Yes.

Huh. And by the F, I'm sorry. Stop it. Use my language. Are you going to F right now? By the effing way. Whoa. 12010. Ben Kissel.

What? Ben Stewart Kissel, if that is your real middle name. It's not. Thank God. Thank Christ. I would like that if it was. Stewart's a garbage name. What's your middle name?

Grant. Really? BGK. BGK. BGK. I like to, when I get home from a long night's journey, I like to settle in with a little BGK root beer. Find Gorcher Kill?

Find Gorcher Kill? Yeah. Gorcher's not a word. Gorge. Trying to rhyme not a word. Gorge. Trying to rhyme with torture. Find Gorge kill, because that would be the way you would do it. You would have a segment. Give a shitty gift to a shitty person for Christmas.

You pick the gift. You pick the person. And Travis somehow was given the power to elect. He came in to produce for us today. On a day that he would rather be doing anything else. Okay, it gets to elect who will get to receive the shitty gift. I am going to go with, let's see, let's sing of a shitty person. I know the gift.

You don't have an idea. I do have an idea, Ben. I do have an idea. Well, what is it? What was this? What was your segment? This is your segment. Give a shitty gift to a shitty person. Okay. Now, what was the

Secretary of State for George W., the black lady? Condoleezza Rice. Giving it to Condoleezza Spaghetti Rice. What the fuck made you think of Condi Rice? I'm, Condi, I didn't think of it. Clearly, I had to ask everybody who the fuck her name was. You didn't know the name, and then you just remembered.

Spaghetti? There you go. Condoleezza Rice. Spaghetti Rice. And I'm giving her a toilet that has annoying conversations with you while you take a shit in it. Like what? Like, hey, here you go.

Have you done your chores? Did you... Have you done what you needed to do today? What kind of a world are we living in? I can't buy a used car for a reasonable price in today's economic climate. And you're shitting?

Woohoo! Put my pussy in a bunch and call me fucking bag of bitches. I'm a toilet. Release my soul. Very good. I do hope that someone does tweet at Condoleezza Rice and just let her know that she has a crazy gift coming for Christmas.

You know, what's great about the gift is it's a cumbersome gift. It's heavy. It's, you know, it's hard to, you know, it'd be hard to get rid of. Even if you, you know, even just to throw in the garbage, it'd be hard to get rid of. That's heavy. It's hard to... It'd be hard to get rid of. Even just to throw in the garbage, it'd be hard to get rid of. That's it. Eric. I'll give my ex five months of my life. Alright, so he gave his ex

five months of his life. He wins! Goddamn, that was good. Happy five month anniversary. Happy five month anniversary. Honeybean. Honeybean. Honeybean. Jesus.

Man, answer makes you morbid. Brave revolutionary moth, I'll see you in hell. There you go. And you've noticed the difference between the two, right? One's clearly superior. Yeah, I think I noticed the difference between the two. I'm working so hard over here, like, just exhausting myself. And just one simple, well-written phrase wipes it out.

Isn't that something? Fidel Castro, I just give him, like, a Remington beard trimmer and laugh at him. His corpse? Yeah. I hate him. Oh, back to phoning it in. That's not phoning it in! You hold your fist when you do it and throw your hand about like you don't give a fuck. Oh, back to phoning it in. That's not phoning it in.

All right. What's when you throw your hand about like you don't give a fuck? Oh, God. All right. Jackie Zebrowski. No, am I done? Absolutely. Do you want to re- Travis, is he allowed to take it back?

No, that's it. Okay, that's it. Thank you, Travis. For Del Castro, you get a Remington beer dripper. We're dead. We're not recounting this one. Yeah. Jackie, please, stop looking at me like that.

I'm going to get a bunch of, I'm going to open up the mattress in Kissel's apartment, and I'm going to pour a bunch of non-alcoholic beer on the mattress, and then I'm going to tell him, I poured beer all over your mattress. When he's wasted in the middle of the night out of beer, and he starts sucking on the mattress. Then I'm going to tell him, I poured beer all over your mattress. When he's wasted in the middle of the night out of beer and he starts sucking on the mattress

and he's sucking on the mattress thinking he's going to get drunk. He's never going to get drunk. I offered you that mattress, Jackie. Well, that wouldn't be

the mattress she's referring to because the mattress that you're referring to because that mattress is rolled up in a corner. She's referring to the mattress that is on your bed currently. Are you?

Yes, now I am. A cursed mattress? You can never get drunk from sucking on it? You can have the mattress whenever you want. Whenever you want it, Jackie. Come to my place. The mattress is all... I've been offering it to her for a week.

He's going to show up at the house with a truck. I'm going to get a man with a truck to come and pick it up. It could be a woman with a truck? No, it's going to be a man with a truck. Women don't have trucks. Women do have trucks. It could be a man with a truck. I'm going to get a man with a truck to come and pick it up. It could be a woman with a truck. No, it's going to be a man. Women don't have trucks. Women do have trucks. It could be a man with a truck. No.

What bathroom do they use? Ed Larson, the world wants to know. Women with trucks. Yeah. I'd come use my bathroom. Please. Okay.

Eddie, it's your turn. It's my turn. You have to think of someone I don't like. Oh, that's right. You have to think of someone you don't like. Yeah, so first,. You have to think of someone you don't like. Yeah, so first, who don't I like?

Marv Levy. What? Who's Marv Levy? What's wrong with Marv Levy? It's a shitty person. Marv Levy. No, what's wrong with Marv Levy? He's an NBA basketball announcer.

No, he's not. He's a former Buffalo Bills coach. That's right. Marv shitbag Levy. I love Marv Levy. He's a chickenills coach. That's right. Marv shitbag Levy. I love Marv Levy. He's a chicken shit coach. Went to four Super Bowls in a row. Shooter won one.

It was a kicker that screwed him over. Yeah, the Giants won. And Marv Levy, what am I going to buy you? You know what I'm going to buy Marv Levy? I'm going to buy Marv Levy a Super Bowl ring, but with no jewels in it. Just an empty cask of a ring. Don't buy him a nice ring.

A cask of a ring. Marv Levy. Maybe like a cursed bone ring would be more fun. I'm pretty sure Marv Levy's dead though. No, I don't think he's dead. He can be dead. The owner of the bills died. That's why. That's fine. He can be dead. Oh, the owner of the Bills died.

Yeah. That's why Jovi's trying to swoop in there. Is that right? Bon Jovi? Bon Jovi wants to perform every Sunday, or half of the Sundays. All right, Travis. Marv Levy gets an empty ring. Travis?

Well, I have to consider my legacy here. You know, this is the one show that I produced for Roundtable. I could do Jackie's, support Mattressgate, and come out on the right side of history with that. She's going to get the mattress. I could do Eric. I love a good vindictive sympathy kind of ploy thing. My vote's with him. Empathy kind of ploy thing.

My vote's with him. Or I could not get torn limb from limb by Holdenators and vote for Holden McNeely. What are we doing? The one Holdenator? His mother? That's right. I do not want to be torn limb from limb. What are we saying right now, Travis?

Holden, you got my vote. Yeah! You idiot! No! The Condoleezza Rice talking toilet? All right, so that's the roundtable. Michael Che matters. Check out Ed Larson as Michael Che. Watch Glitch.

Stand-up special. Michael Che matters. All right, Eric Bergstrom, people can find you all over the social media and all those sorts of things. Those things. Ericbergstrom.com, Twitter, Eric underscore Bergstrom, E-R-I-K and then underscore Bergstrom. Blah, blah, blah. Has your half hour come out yet? What was that? Has your half hour come out yet? Yeah. Yeah, it came out.

How can people watch it still? They can watch it on Amazon. On Comedy Central. On Comedy Central. Yeah, just go to the half hours. It's right on the page. And I think you can download it and blah, blah, blah. They can come to my room. Watch it with me. Go to Bergstrom. We'll talk to my room. Watch it with me.

Go to Mark's new room. We'll talk to you soon. Question for a new girlfriend. Hey. Or an old... Oh, God. Yes. Good night, everybody. Yes, yes.

Goodbye.