The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 308: The Fun Stops Here

Episode Date: December 6, 2016

The gang learns all about Marcus' favorite sport: grave digging contests, debates which demographics should be allowed to review which movies, and decide on a Christmas episode theme.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Good lord. Okay, so this is the show. It's just Holden, Jackie, Marcus, and myselfility. Good Lord.

Okay, so this is the show. It's just Holden, Jackie, Marcus, and myself. I'm Ben. We have to pray, and I think it is Jackie. No, it's Ben's turn. Yeah, it's Ben's turn. All right. Dear Lord, I hope you're doing well.

Thank you so much. This is the roundtable. Any prayers specifically? For anybody. Anyone want me to pray to them for anything? Yeah, get me out of my hole. Get me, raise me up. No, no, no.

Pray to Joe Montana. Oh, hey Joe. I loved your pass to Dwight in the end zone. You're a man. And what a fun person you are. And Tom Brady will never be as good as you because the rules changed. And they favor the quarterback too much. He had a good Sega Genesis game, right? Joe Montana's football, by far the best.

And then John Madden came in and just totally undercut him. He stole the technology. He had the ambulance. Madden 92 has the ambulance. If you don't remember that, if a player got injured, the ambulance would run onto the field, hit every player in its path, and pull up. It didn't hit the players. Yes, it did. It would crush through.

It seriously did. It would crush through every player in its way just to get the one injured guy, leaving eight other people injured. So your friends played the game, and you fantasized about being the ambulance driver? I think I've told this story before. I would play against my brother. I would Hail Mary the ball down the field every single play and almost always get a touchdown. While my brother tried to play authentically, doing running plays, passing plays, I always won. Every time I scored a touchdown by getting a Hail Mary, he would punch me really hard in the arm.

By the end of the game, my arm was so badly bruised and it was so painful when he punched me, I would see stars. And it really traumatized me. I don't think Avery's that brutal. I think Avery's the best man I've ever met in my entire life. He is the best. He was teaching me a lesson there, and I never learned. Yeah, what is the lesson? Don't fucking Hail Mary the ball every time, you dick.

If it worked, I can't say that you were wrong. You're not the dick. I'm talking to my eight-year-old self, however old I was back then. All right, anyway. I was 10, I eight-year-old self, however old I was back then. All right. Anyway. I was 10, I guess. If it was Madden 92. Amen.

Okay. So welcome to the roundtable, gentlemen. What's that, Jackie? Joe Montana died after using that Ace Ventura movie, right? He did not die. That was Dan Marino. Laces out. Most of them are still alive.

Laces out. And both are alive, right? Dan Marino's doing great. He lost a bunch of weight on Weight Watchers. Yep. Run and owns 18 casinos. No, that's not. Across the Mississippi.

I'm not sure if Dan Marino owns a casino. I think he cut down the first peach tree. I mean, that's bad or is that good? I think it's good. Is it overgrown? You know, yeah. That's the song. Oh, the Joe Montana living all his lives.

And he cut down the tree and he gave us a treat. Isn't that exciting? I remember that. Yeah, right? Yeah. Huttonators, ho! Did Jackie get introduced? No, you skipped Jackie.

Oh, okay. Hey, I'm here. How you doing, Jackie? I'm doing great. I just finished Gilmore Girls, so I'm a mess. We'll save it for page seven. Damn. So you, like, caught up with the whole show now?

No. It just came out. Resurgence. Oh, there's a new Gilmore Girls? Yes, it was special. It's like six hours long. Did they capitalize the more? Gilmore Girls.

Oh, that's a good advertising. That is really clever. They didn't need that advertising because everyone was salivating for it. It's a Christian show, right? No. Oh, it's not? No, you're thinking of Seventh Heaven. Is it not Seventh Heaven?

Yeah, that's with that pedophile. Pedophile. That's right. Was it the pastor? Yeah. The guy that played the pastor. Yeah, yeah, the father pastor. He's diddling all the kids.

Wow. That's right. Brutal. Anyway, sorry. They talk about their video games. I get to talk about my show. Of course you talk about your show. And I would love to talk.

Yeah, she did talk about video games. You talked about the ambulance part. Crash Bandicoot. Two words. I thought that game was way overrated. Really? They're coming out with a redo. They're doing a total redo.

They're releasing all three games. Crash Bandicoot. They're not going to keep Gilmore Girls for page seven. Does this mean I can start talking about serial killers and aliens and shit? Sure. Are we all just making this show our other show? Absolutely. Hybrid it.

Hybrid it. Hybrid. A new car coming, hitting the States. All right. Holden, do your thing. Oh my God, guys. I don't know. This is the most PlayStation Network shout outs I've ever had.

Holdenators ho. An army of vigilant animal type people coming out of their caves will march against us. Let's just get into these. I also have to say hello to my cousin, Micah, who is a listener and an admitted Holdenator. Ah, there you go. Oh, admitted it. Holdenators ho, Micah. Or should I call it, huh? Holdinator's home, Micah. Or should I call you Dyka?

Huh? Don't call her that. Don't call Matt. Don't call her that. It's a girl? Yeah. Oh, it's a girl? My bad.

I thought it was a man. I think it's more appropriate if it's a man. No. Okay. Way to go, Holden. Sorry, Micah. Good. Come over to the Jackanators now.

Her Jackanators. I'm taking Jackanators. Jackanese. I mean, she thinking jackanies. Jackanies. I mean, she's my own cousin. She's not even a part of the Marcus Arian nation. Unite. Unbelievable. And I'm insulting her.

All right. Meredith Metal HK says, shout outs to everyone at the Gentleman of Roundtable, especially Jackie, Marcus, and Ben. Y'all crazy fucks. Thank you. Thank you. There you go. Alex Lovell says, Marcus is the bomb.

Ed has the fucking best laugh. Jackie, you the man. Ben, never stop being you, buddy. Bird Luger is a god, and Holden is a slippery grease lizard. Oh! Best 420 shout-out from down under. All right. Pepperoni Man says, bing bong, I'm a little diarrhea boy.

Also, Kissel's my fucking dad now and he can't do shit about it. Fuck you, daddy. Alright. Cody Gores. Nice to have a child. Cody Gores says, if Garfield ever met that peasant bitch Heathcliff, he'd make him his permanent cuck. Also,

I'm appalled no one has mentioned Tomcat from Tom and Jerry. But Tomcat from Tom and Jerry. Nah. But Tomcat from Tom and Jerry was... He always got rused, didn't he? Yeah, he wasn't good, I don't think. Well, maybe. I'm sorry, Tomcat.

Let's give some love to him. True cop, cartoon feline. Hail Satan. Hail the Zebrowskis. Ben Kissel loves GOP wieners. I love them. Interesting. I love all wieners.

Cameron Crucifix says, Jackie, my fiance wants your mailing address so we can invite you to our wedding. I love them. Interesting. I love all wieners. Cameron Crucifix says, Jackie, my fiance wants your mailing address so we can invite you to our wedding. I'm coming! Ed, talk more, hate less. Never mind. Hate all you want. Henry, I don't know why Henry's gonna shout it. You came home with Jackie. You can come with Jackie to our wedding.

Bring your brand of Satanism along. Offer to officiate in pretty face makeup and hold in a segment suggestion, sit down or stand up to wipe. But I think we've talked about that in the show. We have had that happen organically. You're a stand-up though. I'm a stand-up guy.

Yeah. In every sense of the word. I hate that I remember that. It's all mood. I'm a stand-er-upper. I'm thinking about that every time I wipe. I have full control when I stand. No control when I sit. Ugh. I don't... Rowan aka LX. How do you lose control when you sit? How do I lose control? I don't know

what's going on down there. I don't know what's happening. When I'm up, I can see. Don't simulate it. I can look. I can see. I can touch. Wait, you bend? No, I'm kind of... I mean, I guess there's a hunch. A hunch. Yeah. A hunch going on. Like Guy Fieri eating a sandwich. He doesn't. He doesn't hunch. Hand on a hunch. A hunch. Yeah. A hunch going on. A guy if he had eaten a sandwich. He doesn't have a hunch.

Hand on a knee, kind of, yeah. Standing up or sitting down, I still can't see my own asshole. No, I'm not looking at my asshole, but I just feel like I have more control. Okay. Whatever. Either way. Rowan says Roundtable last podcast in Cowman should tour Australia because the U.S. won't allow criminals to visit.

So I guess Rowan has a bit of an issue legally with getting here. Oh, man. Uncle Al would like to give Marcus a bit of a diddle down below. Aaron Rodriguez says, Marcus, I can out-dig you any day. Fuck you, buddy.

Unbelievable. I want to see a dig-off. I want to see a dig-off. It's a dig-off. What are the rules and regulations of said dig off? Oh, my God. First of all, they have to have the exact same size shovel. I would recommend a small one.

A small. Now, what do you think is a small shovel? Are we talking about like a sandbox shovel? No, no. Just a good handheld. What do you think? Maybe a six by seven inches. I think all shovels are handheld.

No, not all are. Are we going with a rectangular digger on here? No, let's... We can do the point for the digging. Okay, good, good, good. Yeah, of course. And so we're talking it's a depth game, not a width game. Oh, that's tough.

You got to take both into account. I think it's an endurance game. I think it's a length game. Who can dig the longest? No, because then one's not digging as hard as the other person is. Next thing you know, they're lasting three days. I think you hybrid it. It's a depth.

It's a depth, and the first person to collapse. No, there's a finite amount of time, and you look at circumference and depth. I say no water is allowed. No matter how thirsty they are, no water is allowed. Also, they might cheat and pour the water in the hole. To make it mud. Yeah, to make it mud. Why would? It'll dig out easily.

Did we talk about the grave digging competition on this show? I don't think so. All right, that'll be our first news story then. Fantastic. Are you done? Can we be done? I have so many more. Let's go into it then, or do you want to revisit it at some point?

Let's just do a few more here. Also, it says Kissel is the president we need. Thank you. That's nice of you to say. Aaron says, Will R. Sam says about Mattressgate, now Mattressgate, how many scandals will there be in this shambolic run for presidency? Bert Luger for president, also Scree.

Well, whatever. Either way, Jackie, I am offering you the mattress. I offered you the mattress, and you have yet to pick it up. Mattress game is now on you. No flip-flopper. I'm not flip-flopping. Scooby-Doober 911. I offered it on the last show.

I offered it over Facebook. You said no. Scooby-Doober 911 says just give Jackie the damn mattress. Also, call Jake a horrible piece of shit fuckboy. So, Jake, you're a horrible piece of shit fuckboy. I don't think it's our Jake. I think it's this guy's Jake. Solid Snake MGS, Leon says that shoutouts are like greasy cum stains on black sheets.

They never fade away and neither does the shame. Cthulhu Fondue, aka Jim Kelly from Albany, New York, says Ed is a cuck. And tell Ben I love him. Pom Desang says, shout out to my husband Matt. Can't wait to come home and play Lego Avengers again. XX Witch Hunter XX. Ooh.

Ben, the Nazi grandson, welcome to the greater American Reich. Ha ha. Yikes. I don't know. I offered her the mattress. Is that about the mattress? Because I'm offering you the mattress and you haven't picked it up. I'm gonna come take the mattress. I'm putting it on my bed this week. No, you're not. So, well, you better get it this

week. I'm giving you the same ultimatum Marcus gave to me. By the way, no one has taken into account I was forced to take the mattress out of here. Or, I was forced. Literally, Marcus told me and he looked at me very seriously. He was very And then I was four. Literally, Marcus told me and he looked at me very seriously. He was very patient.

I was extremely patient for over a month. And then what was I forced to do? I said either get the mattress out of here or give it to Jackie. And Jackie said, get the mattress out of here. I can't get it out of here. And then I said, I had a man with a truck

that was awaiting my call that was going to come and get the matches. And his name was Sexy John. Sexy John. Sexy John. Sexy John. He looks like an Allman brother. He's very sexy. He's a drummer and he's sexy.

He looks like an Allman brother. Oh, my God. He's so fucking hot. But like a calendar boy Allman brother. Yeah. I don't understand what you guys are talking about. He's got perfect hands. He's got perfect hair. I understand what you guys are talking about. He's got perfect hands. He's got perfect elbows.

Hair. I did what I was supposed to do. And so charming, too. So charming. He's a southern boy. Yeah, he's a Texan boy. Very willing to help somebody out in a bind. Well, he wasn't here to help her out when I was forced to literally pick up the mattress

myself. He wasn't here to help you. Carry it up the stairs. He didn't help me. Well, either way, you didn't do it in time. We offered to help you get the mattress into a bar. I'm so sick of mattress gate. It's driving me completely insane.

I offered you the mattress, and you didn't take it. I wonder if anyone understands that we only talk about mattress gate when we are sitting here on this podcast. Well, I have actually spoken with- I've seen you many times this week. Many times. Many times. I charge her now. I charge her every time because it's so stressful for me.

Every minute. Although you did buy me all those drinks on Friday, and I appreciate it. All I charge her every time because it's so stressful for me. Every minute. Although you did buy me all those drinks on Friday, and I appreciate it. All I do is buy you shit. How many drinks have I bought you in your life? I mean, well, every time you're mean to me, you have to buy me drinks, so I don't know I've never even been mean to you. That is our deal. It's like you guys have broken even.

No, Jackie just says, oh, you were mean to me. I didn't even say anything to her, and then you're like, oh, now I have to buy her drinks. Just give the woman the mattress. Or we could have a public debate. Yeah, we could also have a public debate as to who deserves the mattress more. As to who gets the mattress. The mattress was given to me. It stayed here for a month,

which you could have taken it at any time. I wouldn't have even noticed. I didn't even know it was my mattress for three weeks. Three weeks, I didn't know it was my mattress. Three weeks, I didn't even know it was my mattress. You did. I you're rewriting history. We can't. We gotta stop. Three weeks I didn't know it was my mattress. Three weeks I didn't even know it was my mattress. You did. I told you specifically they are sending you a mattress. The mattress is here.

I pointed. I said, hey, Ben, there's your mattress. In that corner. I didn't see the mattress. Did not see it. And I did not hear Marcus say that. And I offered you the mattress and you have officially declined. I'm coming on Wednesday to get the mattress.

Well, we'll see if it's on my bed. I'm coming. I have a car. I'm coming on Wednesday to get the mattress. Well, we'll see if it's on my bed. I'm coming. I have a car. I'm coming on Wednesday to get the mattress. What I love is that it is definitely still in the corner of his living room wrapped up with jackets on top. I only think about Jackie. I look at it

and I say, I don't want to put that on my bed yet. What if Jackie needs it? That's why the jackets are on top of it. To make me think about you. What a psycho. You know you could just text Travis and come get it and he wouldn't notice. Yeah, it's true. I love my mattress. I don't

need a new mattress. But I would like a new mattress at the same time because it would be nice to restart. He wants it all. It's the boy who wanted it all. But at the same time, do you need a mattress, Jackie? You're like Robin Williams in Hook. You're going to get old and Wendy's going to get old and you're going to realize that everything fades.

Can I be Rufio? Yes. No, you can't be Rufio. How can he be Rufio? Because he dies. Well, I get to be Peter Pan, so that's kind of fun. Imagine the food and then it becomes real. A sad lesson for homeless people because they can't do that.

That's not what the... Emmy father, last but not least, Emmy father says Ed fucks hams last but not least, Emmy father says, Ed fucks hams and marinates them in the resulting semen. That has been your PlayStation Network shout-out. God, they're just getting so... They're good. Thanks for shouting out, everybody.

Good. Over 300 friends on PlayStation Network and counting. They love me on there. They can't get enough of me on there. That only took 20 minutes. Yeah. Good. Fuck yeah, dude.

We're going to burn time here. We've got to burn up some goddamn time. There's only four of us on there. Four of us on there going through puberty. Did they just hit? They dropped? I just fucking sprouted a couple fucking hairs down there. You know what I'm saying?

Mop. Okay. Mop bucket. I don't know what that means. You know what I'm saying? Mop. Okay, mop bucket. I don't know what that means. You call it his crotch a mop bucket? Yeah. I like that. Yeah, look at his little mop bucket down there. Squeegee, squeegee.

Pick up the dirty juice. Quit calling it a mop bucket. Why do you always call it a mop bucket? Dirty water mop bucket. I'm the teacher and I agree. I had a bad time in high school. You did? Yeah, my English teacher was a nut.

Yeah, yeah. Midsummer Night's Dream. She's a bitch about that play. How? I wasn't reading it right. I was reading it backwards. Act five to act one, baby. Ben Kissel, the myth, the myth, the legend.

How was your week, buddy? It was good. What the hell happened to you? No, it was good. I had a great week. Everything's been nothing but wonderful for me. Wonderful roses. As always.

All right, Marcus. So we do have that gravedigger story. Yeah, yeah, we do. Which I think is good. Isn't that exciting? Yeah, it's very exciting. And this think is good. Isn't that exciting? Yeah, it's very exciting, and this might answer some of your grave digging questions as to what the competition

would be. I had no questions. No, I do have. What is the competition? Two brothers from Slovakia won a grave digging competition at an international exhibition of funeral, burial, and cremation services. Jesus. Ladislav and Kasbada Skladom, aged 43 and 41, respectively,

dug a grave 1.5 meters deep, 2 meters long, and 90 centimeters wide in 54 minutes in the western Slovak town of Trencin, beating 10 other two-member teams from Slovakia, Poland, and Hungary as a small audience cheered loudly. Now, what's that in American numbers? We'll have to check. Well, if Lincoln Chafee hit his way, we would know all about the metric system. I don't know what

meters. I ain't no Canada. That's about five feet. Alright, pretty good. 41 and 43, nothing else to do. Nothing else to do. It's Slovakia, my friend. And then Trencin seems like an appropriately named town. Yeah, Trencin.

Yeah, basically a trench digging competition. Actually, that's a pilgrimage you need to make at some point, Marcus. That is literally a town of hole diggers. Exactly. Yeah, these people sound great. And the grave was also the neatest because there was a five-member jury that had to judge who had the best hole. You have to get on that jury. I have to.

I mean, look at a picture of this. This looks like a great time. That is an incredible grave. That is a clean as fuck grave. They're just massively comfortable with genocide, like to the point where they have a competition about this. I mean, they're just a text. I mean, the Slovak people, Eastern Europeans, are very comfortable with death.

I mean, I just feel like everything is sort of spurred from history, right? Like, there's a reason that we recreate certain things. This must be because of a massive massacre that once occurred. Yeah. This is what the guy who established the contest last year, his name is Ladislav Striz. He said, We want to show and appreciate the hard work of gravediggers. Most Slovak graveyards are so crowded

and spaces between graves so narrow that we need human diggers instead of machines. They work hard come rain, come snow. Hell yeah. Nice. Better than the postal service. Oh no. I guess it's It's better than

It's cheaper than Having to play soccer You don't even get to buy the ball If there was a massacre though Wouldn't they just Throw them in a pile Yeah Well it's

It's just Ditches then Yeah Just big holes Yep Did you use any other tools Besides just the plain shovel I think it's just the shovel

I mean did you though Did you use a hoe Or some sort of I was more I also I liked a pickaxe a lot. The pickaxe is real good for breaking up the ground before you really start your big hole.

So that's what I preferred. And did you make your own shovel, Marcus? I didn't. No, I was store bought. You went to the weird wooden general store that exists in the corner of town. Clippers. It's called Clippers. Did he have a bowler hat or was he...

No, I would have gotten that at Penman's Propane. I see your childhood town as Deadwood. Is that accurate? It's a lot deader than Deadwood. There's much less people than in Deadwood. Deadwood was a major city. It was? By old western

style, yeah. South, South Dakota standards. Yeah, yeah, you go there now, 3 p.m. on a Wednesday, ain't nobody there. Ain't nobody there. Except for Bill Pittman, who runs Pittman's Propane. Ah, what does it sell? Propane. Ha!

And hardware and whatnot. And Rubik's Cubes, oddly enough. Strange. A ton of them. And sometimes you can buy tamales there, if the tamale lady has come by that day. Now, what was she like? Spicy.

Her name is Rosa. She's a very sweet woman. What did she sell? Propane. Oh. I thought everyone just sold propane. I don't think I've ever dug anything in my entire life. I used to dig a little bit in my sandbox as a kid.

Did the traditional or typical find China type thing, but then I just got really sick and tired of digging and played with my toys in a different creative way. It is work. I remember having fun with some worms. Yeah. A little worm fun. You just dig a little hole and there's some worms down there and you kind of play with

them, toy with them. Oh, I don't think so. They've got both sexual organs and they can fuck each other at the same time with both organs. I don't think that is true. Yeah, they do. They line up next to each other. Oh, look it up, Marcus.

They line up along each other, and they fuck each other on each side. That's how they make more worms? Oh, yeah. That's how they make more worms. Earthworms are hermaphrodites. Absolutely. That's Jamie Lee Curtis. That's a myth.

Is that a myth? That's a myth. I thought that that was real. No, I'm not saying it negatively. I thought for sure that was real. Her striptease in True Lies. I used to Jake, Jake, Jake away. Did you get to that?

I don't remember it. I used to master. We've talked about this before, though. Does she get naked in it? She strips down to her skivvies. But she's in heels, and she's doing a whole pole routine, and her tits might as well be. I mean, they're just jiggling wonderfully. Isn't that wild?

Real solid cups on that one. And then when her cock pops out I was just like whoa whoa whoa. Now it's getting real huh? I thought for sure she truly was a hermaphrodite. Nope. It's fake huh? It's fake. Wow.

I have some memory of her on Oprah talking about this. Oh, yeah. No, I know she doesn't. Oh, I see what you're doing. She's got a good body, but it's the face. I just never really found her very attractive. Yeah. I never saw this movie, so this seems interesting.

What? You've never seen True Lies? No, because I- It's a good movie going through. It is a, what do you call that, Marcus? True Lies? Uh-huh. It's Oxymoron. It's an oxymoron. It is a, what do you call that, Marcus? True Lies? Uh-huh. It's Oxymoron.

It's an Oxymoron. I can't watch it. Really? Yeah, I don't watch anything Oxymoron. Short, tall, the big short? I won't see it. Anything that contradicts itself. Absolutely.

Is it just movie titles or literally everything in life? Well, any sort of Oxymoron, I just can't. I cannot get behind it. You can't get along with it? Absolutely not. No way. It's just confusing. So if the director couldn't even come up with a title that made sense, then how could I

expect him to write a screenplay? The whole movie is kind of ironic. You know, it makes a lot of sense, actually, because a lot of times people take external things around them, and when it upsets them, it's because it's a reflection of themselves. That is true. The classic flip-flopper, Ben Kissel. Oh, my God. Upset at contradictions in the wild.

Unbelievable. Give Jackie that goddamn mattress. I've offered it to Jackie multiple times, and I'll continue to offer it to Jackie, and she will continue to not show up in my apartment and pick it up. This is not true. So that is just fine with me. Good Lord. It just seems like a solvable issue, Marcus.

Yeah, give her the mattress. I gave her the mattress. You know? Set up a time and a day for Jackie to come get the mattress, and then when she shows up, freely give it to her. Another movie I won't watch, The Longest Yard. It's three feet for a yard, so you can't have a longer yard, let alone have a longest yard

because you can't have a shorter yard or the shortest yard. You know what? I agree with that one. Thank you very much. I'm finally getting through to people. I agree with that one. What about the whole nine yards? Well, you can't have whole nine yards. Yeah, you could have a whole nine yards. So you're good with that.

You just can't have a longest yard. The longest yard is a meter. Or three feet plus one inch. What about the content of the movie, like Junior, where Arnold Schwarzenegger can't get pregnant? No, that's not. But that's. That's totally different. What about twins?

No twins. That was his name in Schwarzenegger movies. That's not an oxymoron. What about Kindergarten Cop? That's also a Schwarzenegger movie. Kindergarten Cop I'm actually on board with because he was not in Kindergarten and he was not a cop. He was a cop who taught kindergarten.

He wasn't a six-year-old cop. You know how much better Kindergarten Cop? That's Cop and a Half. That's Cop and a Half. Yes. Oh, Cop and a Half was one of the best movies I ever watched in my entire life. He was sexy. How much better would have Kindergarten Cop, Kindergarten Cop would have been so much better

if the cop was a kindergartner. Boys have penises. Girls have vaginas. That taught me so much. Yeah, right? I finally, I knew for the first time I was a girl. Isn't it nice? Hermaphrodite.

Jameela Curtis. What do you know? Henry Winkler directed Cop and a Half. He did? He did a good job. I love Henry Winkler. Bert Reynolds is a bit of a sexual predator. What?

Wow. Accusations. sexual predator. What? Wow. Accusations. Flying around. Oh, man. Allegedly. Allegedly. Boy, yeah. You know,

the end title song in Cop and a Half was Joey Lawrence's Nothing My Love Can't Fix. Yikes. I forgot that. Oh, that hair. Film critic

and historian Leonard Maldon called it a hemorrhoid and a half. He did? He's dead now, isn't he? Leonard Maldon? I think he died.

He's alive. I don't know. He's alive. Okay. Joe Montana, dead as a doornail. No, he's completely fine. I don't like it when adults review children's movies. Children should review children's movies. Ew, you want to hear what a child has to say? About a children's movies. Children should review children's movies.

Ew, you want to hear what a child has to say? About a children's movie, yes. Yes, I do. Because then I know if I have a kid or if I'm a 13-year-old myself, what's another 13-year-old's opinion about this movie? Because that resonates to me. Leonard Moulton talking about a child's movie, if he loved it, he's a pedophile. I do not like when adults talk about children's movies. I remember when I went to see Problem Child with my family.

Everybody hated it. I fucking loved it. So that review matters the most because you're the target demo. I'm the target demo. I thought it was fantastic because he was so mean. I love Problem Child.

And the clown shows up drunk. That's Problem Child, right? Yes. I thought that was Uncle Buck. I think it's both. Yeah. There was like a rash of drunk clowns showing up to children's parties back in that time in cinema. And think it's both. Yeah. There was like a rash of drunk clowns showing up to children's

parties like back in that time in cinema. And in parenthood. Drunk clown. I think my favorite movie, Drunk Clown, Howie Mandel, Uncle Buck, when he gets punched. That was Howie Mandel. Yes. Did you know that, Marcus? Oh, wow. I didn't know that. Yep. He got punched in the face. Get in your mouse and get out of here.

That's right. And Shakes the Clown was a whole movie about a drunk clown. A whole movie about it. Yeah, but that was for adults. Yeah. So an adult should review that movie. That's correct. Not a child. A child shouldn't watch Shakes the Clown.

Shakes the Clown. So what about like a white person reviewing like a Spike Jonze movie or a Spike Lee joint? That is fine. Okay. That works. We're not going to break this down by race. We can't do that. Oh, but you're being ageist in that spot.

Oh, you're being ageist. I'm being pro-youth. Can an old man talk about a movie, you know, for a middle-aged person? Yes. Like, this is 40. Like, this is 40. But that's for children, so a child could actually review this as 40. 13 going on 30.

No, this is 40 is an adult's movie. No, I understand. 13 going on 30 is a child's movie, so you should be 13 to review it. Although, this is 40 is an adult's movie. No, I understand. 13 Going on 30 is a child's movie so you should be 13 to review it. Although, but it's also geared towards adults

at the same time. By the way, 13 Going on 30 is absolutely disgusting. It's like the movie Big. Both of them have scenes where a person is in an adult potty

but they're the mind of a child and I do think we have to take into question a lot of the sexual advances. The legality behind 13 Going on 30. The legality behind 13 going on 30.

If I'm having sex with a 30-year-old and all of a sudden she shows up and tells me she's 13, I'm going to be upset. Of course. That's the plot of the movie. I just don't think, how do these movies get made?

Who's greenlighting these movies? Bill Widerson, that's who. What about Freaky Friday? Is a teenager or a middle-aged person going to be reviewing that one? Freaky Friday, well, it has to be reviewed on a Friday. And that's number one, because otherwise, how do you understand what they're going through? Yeah, absolutely.

Freaky Friday, I'm going to say that's a tween movie, so a 15-year-old right there. You've got to write down these rules. If it's a tween movie, it goes to the tween. They review it. If it's a child's movie, it's someone under 13. Other than that, it's all the same review. The tweens are awful, and they don't like anything. Well, it better be good tween. They review it. If it's a child's movie, it's someone under 13. Other than that, it's all the same. But tweens are awful and they don't like anything.

Well, it better be good then. Yeah. If that's a target demo, make it good. Fast and the Furious, they like them. Any movie they can fucking finger their girlfriend's pussy during

is literally what you're looking for. Oh, is that what you're doing when you're a tween? That's any movie. You didn't finger a pussy until you were 19. No, we acted like we did. We talked like we did.

I mean, that was the whole idea. I had my worst date ever. I've talked about this podcast was Nell. If I had someone my age to let me know, as a reviewer, don't take Jennifer Thompson

to see Nell. Yeah. You will not be able to put your arm around her. She will lean forward. It's a drama, isn't it? A hardcore drama? High-tay in the wind.

High-tay in the wind. Yeah. Chick-a-pie. Why would you go on a date to that? It's about a feral woman. It was very morose and just upsetting and just kind of not good. Hay-tay in the wind will haunt me for the rest of my life. Yeah.

It's a terrible choice to just go see, much less take a 14-year-old girl to. Ridiculous. The first movie I think I ever saw was The Great Mouse Detective. That's also a terrible movie to take a girl to. Great Mouse Detective? Yeah. Are you insane? Were you eight?

Yeah, I was like young. I was like 10. Wow. Your first date? Damn, dude. Ben Kissel's like young. I was like 10. Wow. Your first date? Damn, dude. Ben Kissel's a player. I don't think so. First movie I ever took a girl to was Godzilla.

The 1995 version. So you were 14. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. When did Great Mouse Detective come out? Because I was, yeah, that was the, no, it wasn't a date. It was just a friend. I had a lot of friends.

There's no way that I didn't know. That's right. You're flip-flopping right now. That was 1986. You were like four. It was just a friend. I had a lot of friends. There's no way that I didn't know. Backtrack, you're flip-flopping right now. That was 1986. You were like four. Great Mouse Detective? Yeah. They re-released it.

Was it a re-release? That was like five. Are you thinking of the... No. No, the one where the mouse was Sherlock Holmes. The Rescuers Down Under? Isn't that also another? Like the Rescuers was that whole thing.

It was not 1986, Marcus. Everybody show your protest to Ben Kissel. I'm calling it right now. I don't want to hear any more. Honestly, my life is really hard. So I don't want to hear any protest. Mail a pair of flip flops to the creek in the cave to show your support. You just need flip flops.

I do need flip flops. Size 10. Flip flops. You know what? I don't like it. It shows your support. You just need flip-flops. I do need flip-flops. Size 10. Flip-flops. You know what? I don't like it. It shows your feet. He is actually vindicated on this one. In 1992, it was re-released as The Adventures of the Great Mouse Detective. That's what I saw.

It was 11 years old. A re-release? I didn't know about the 1986 movie. I'm done with Mattress Gate. I'm done with Mattress Game. I'm done with all the gates. Everyone's had their fun, you know, and now the fun, you know what? The fun stops here.

I don't think I ever went on a date to a movie. Really? That I'm thinking about. Back in the day. Not with Doug right now? I mean, yeah, as like after we were dating, but like I don't, like as a teen, I never went. It's a bad first date call, but it's an obvious. We were drinking and doing drugs and stuff.

Yeah, we were X-ing and fingering. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Yeah, I put my arm around that girl on that date, and you know what she did? Freeze. Yeah. Yeah, she didn't move forward, but she froze. But she just froze. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I got to lean forward. It was brutal. I was a sad child. I don't know. Okay. You know, life is really hard. child. I don't know. Okay. You know, life is really hard. Lay off Ben Kissel.

He's had a long life. Shut up, Holden. I'm just saying. I don't need you to help me. I'm trying to help you out. No, if you even come close to endorsing me, it's a harm. What harm? It's a harm.

Why are we talking about endorsements? I'm not endorsing you. Okay, good. I'm saying have sympathy for the man. He's had a difficult time in this life. All right. My fingers smell like garlic, and I chopped garlic hours ago. Oh, garlic doesn't go off your hands for a very long time.

No, your hands smell like lotion. Is it lotion? Yeah, I mean, it still burns a little bit. Maybe it's on my nose. Yeah. I just can't get rid of it. Garlic has never been put into a lotion. Maybe it should.

Be a good lotion. We were chomping on garlic cloves on Thanksgiving, and I threw up my garlic clove and all of the wine I had consumed. Yeah. Why did you do that? Because apparently garlic is really good for you. If you're not feeling so good, eat a whole clove of garlic. And it just does a bunch for you. Antioxidant.

Yeah. So it's really, really good. So I ate it does a bunch for you yeah so it's really really good so i ate it but you know you're slamming a bunch of wine and i just puked and puked and puked and i uh i burped up garlic for the rest of the night so did it feel good though um no because of the acid i've got acid issues in my stomach so that um garlic is bad for that yeah so don't do that yeah but if you're not feeling great, have a clove of garlic. No, but it didn't, Jackie, you just said that you don't do it. I have acid problems, though.

You and millions and millions of other Americans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And people around the world. So don't eat the garlic. All right. So did you just eat it whole? Oh, yeah. I don't think you're supposed to do that.

Oh, you're not supposed to do that. I think you just kind of fucked it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How are you supposed to do it? You're supposed to crush it up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It sounds, okay, swallowing a whole clove, eating raw garlic the wrong way, swallowing the whole

thing, it sounds like a more pleasant way of getting all the good potency of raw garlic without the unpleasant side effects of chewing it, but don't do it. Last year, at least two people that I know personally tried this, and one ended up in the Heimlich maneuver, and the other with an ER trip. Why? because a clove of garlic is roughly the exact circumference of your esophagus no I chewed it up you chewed it up oh yeah

it was awful oh so you're fine mm-hmm oh yeah I didn't you know I need the Heimlich you're not supposed to do that either because garlic's a hot little number and chewing it will coat your mouth in the sulfuric flames from you know where. It was awful. From where? Yeah. You're just supposed to not from hell. Oh. Oh. Christian garlic. Yeah. Gwen's nest dot com is very cozy. Well you know Gwen

knows best at Gwen's nest. I agree. If you get Gwen in a dark room she will fucking goop all over you. My God. She knows four positions and they're all horny ones. It was a Gwyneth Paltrow reference there.

I made a hybrid joke. It was a good joke. This is Gwen here. Oh, she seems like a great person. No, she seems fine. She's a multitasking mom of four. Wow, a lot of kids. Okay, Marcus, should we do another news story?

Or do we not? I mean, what are we at here? We're getting there. We're almost to a segment. Let's do a story? Maybe. What's the best one? Okay, so we can go either here.

I'll give you some words here. I like this. Okay. Landlord. Chimpanzee. Parrot. Mormon. Cancer.

Landlord is my vote. I'm going to say chimpanzee. I'm going to go chimpanzee as well. What? Wow. All right. Ed's not even heree as well. What? Wow. All right. Ed's not even here for monkey corner. There you go.

I'm doing it for him. Don't do it. Oh, no. He's very funny. He's not here, so don't do it. Well, this is a new scientific study that has been released. Chimpanzees can recognize one another from behind. Apes remember faces, too, but new research suggests

that chimps recognize buttocks just as well as humans recall familiar faces. I think that is unbelievably adorable. Just as faces serve as an epicenter of social information, so too do chimp rumps. More than just one, more than just

an identity cue, a chimpanzee's buttocks offers clues to the his or her attractiveness and health. The area around the vagina and anus of a female chimp who is fertile, swell, and take on a dark

pink color. Pull your pants up, Marcus. It's a dark pink color. And that's healthy. That's very healthy. Oh, good. If a female chimp is bending over in front of you, and you see a dark, pink, swollen vagina, you know that is

a healthy chimp. It is troubling to go to the zoo. You know, because they don't put clothes in them, which they should do. Dresses on the girls and pants on the boys. Are you talking about the bald ass ones? No, I'm talking about chimpanzees. What are the bald ass ones?

Baboons. Chimpanzees, they are the closest to human, correct? Oh, they got the cute ears. Yeah, chimps are just chimps, you know? Everyone knows a chimp. There's a great little YouTube video of a chimpanzee being fooled by an iPad, and it's adorable.

That's horribly mean. No, it wasn't mean. No, they gave him a bunch of peanuts throughout the entire thing, and the chimpanzee was loving it. It was an elephant? No, but everyone loves peanuts. Not when they're in the show. I just feel like there's a lot of tension happening between the two of you because of other external situations, all right? You're taking it out on this fucking chimp

debate. Is it the peanut problem? Peanut? I'm more an almond person. Whoa! Almonds are the reason that everyone in California is in a drought right now. I don't give a fuck. It's two gallons to make one almond. Every almond you take, you're slamming down two

gallons of water. I'm definitely going peanuts over almonds. Always. Just on peanut dressing alone when you get your Thai salad. Peanuts are trash nuts. They're not trash nuts. What? They're a universal working man nut. Yeah, they're a working man's nut. What the hell is wrong with you? Give me a Brazil nut. Give me a cashew.

Oh, shut up. If you say pistachio, I'm going to freak out. Oh, don't even get me on that. I love pistachios. Well, you know what? I don't like nuts that play hard to get. Just open up. Peanut, I love it. That says a lot more about you than I'm willing to admit.

No, it does not. It's about nuts. I'm talking about legumes and nuts. It's better when it's hard to get to. No, peanuts are hard enough. Peanuts are very, I mean, peanuts take a lot of work. I come from a peanut town. You know that peanuts, they're root plants.

First, they got to get the peanuts out of the ground. Then they got to take them to the peanut dryer. They got to dry them off. Why do you got to dry them off? I like wet peanuts. I have them all the time, boiled peanuts. No, no, that's not wet. That's totally different.

No, you got to dry them out. Because they're all wet from being underground. And peanuts are the only nut that feels death. I don't think that's true. It's very true. And on top of that, how dare you bring legumes into this conversation? Why not? It's a bean!

A legume? There's many nuts that are legumes that pass off as nuts. We're talking about nuts, all right? Don't open this conversation up to somebody. It's just more smoke and mirrors from Ben Kissel. I'm pissed now. I mean, peanuts are legumes. That's what I'm talking about.

They're bean nuts. Peanuts are also known as ground nuts or goobers. Goobers is fun. That's chocolate-covered nut. That is. It is a chocolate-covered nut. Yeah. So what the hell?

Goober also an insult back in Texas. Yes. Oh, yeah. Goober's an insult everywhere. Goober's across the South. Yeah. Goober, like, I had a friend that just, like, you called him Goober, he'd fucking flip out. Really?

Yeah. Sounds like a goober. That's what goobers do. That's the thing. Whatever insult you freak out to, that is the insult that best describes you. So if you freak out when someone calls you a goober, if you actually feel like you might be an internal goober, don't freak out. Yeah, that's the thing. I always freak out when people call me best ever pussy eater.

I get real upset. I'm sure they say that all the time. When was the last time you got called that? A couple weeks ago by the mailman. All right. Well, either way. So the nuts are fine. Chimpanzees' butts are good indicators of how healthy they are.

The importance of face recognition among humans is demonstrated by a phenomenon called the face inversion effect. When scanning an image featuring multiple objects, humans invariably recognize a face first. When a face is inverted, however, humans are slower to recognize it. Chimpanzees, same way with butts. No kidding. Inverted butts. They won't be able to recognize it. Researchers discovered a similar phenomenon among chimps

who were quicker to recognize buttocks on a touch screen when they were upright and slower when they were inverted. Huh. Look-hmm. Look at that. Isn't that interesting? Mm-hmm. Good story, Marcus.

Female apes have evolved hairless buttocks so as to not interfere with the body's communication abilities. And chimps also evolved eyes capable of seeing many tints of red, enabling them to see which chimp has the healthiest dark pink vagina. Did they, like, did people, did the chimps just start to, like, pluck away at the hair or something like that? And that's why eventually nature was just like, we don't eat hair here. Nobody wants us. Evolution's all about who gets laid more and who survives.

Isn't that something? So there was a buttless, now that was a chimpanzee. I mean, she got fucked a lot. And then that next chimpanzee got fucked a lot, too, until all of them was fucking, and then that's how chimps are now. That's how evolution works. Isn't that something? If it's true.

Our pinky toes are going to fall off. What's that? Our pinky toes are going to fall off. Why would we lose our pinky toes? We don't need them. We don't climb trees. Don't need them. I need a pinky toe.

I thought we needed pinky toes for balance. You got the other four. Yeah. No. You always need a pinky toe. We need all of our phalanges. I need them all. Wap them off.

I hate feet. All right. So phalanges. Okay. So let's do, Marcus, what do you want to do now? Let's do a segment for Paul McNamara. That's fine with me. I was not listening to the segment earlier, So I don't even know what's coming

It's about Christmas First of all I know that I can't put First of all Okay second of all Don't say that with such disdain First of all

What we've been doing I can't believe I haven't mentioned this yet The song that is sweeping the nation right now Christmas Shoes No Christmas Shoes Christmas Shoes is very good, though. We are the jumbo shrimp.

I want to buy these shoes. Yeah, you don't know Christmas. For my mama, please. It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size. Could you hurry, sir? Daddy says there's not much time. You see, she's been sick for quite a while And I know these shoes would make her smile

I want her to look beautiful If Mama meets Jesus tonight Oh my God, that sounds like the song from the Heaven's Gate. Thank you! So he wants to buy shoes for a woman that can't walk? Yeah. Who sings that song? New song.

That is unbelievable. No, Christmas shoes. We talk about, we have an annual Christmas shoes episode on Grade 7. Everyone hates Christmas shoes. Yeah, it's a song about a kid. They even made a movie out of it in 2002. And the shoes are green and red and have bells on them. It is not for an elf.

They're not Christmas themed shoes. They're shoes. There's a little boy whose mother is dying and he goes to the store to try to buy her a new pair of shoes. He doesn't have enough money for the shoes. So the protagonist, the narrator in the tale, pays for the little boy's shoes.

Because he's such a good goddamn person. And then he wrote a song about it. Yeah, his name's Leonard Ahlstrom. Also written with Eddie Carswell. Took two guys to write that song. Huh. It's fantastic. There's one for each shoe.

But I'm sorry, Holden. You were bringing up another song that is plaguing my existence. We are the jumbo shrimp covered by children across the nation. I heard even the cowman has made a cover of it at some

point. Oh yeah. We've got, it's an intense amount of support. It is a song that is seeped into the minds and hearts of people all over the goddamn world. And it's kind of blowing my mind right now. I'm getting messages. Henry just hit me up. He's getting messages. He's not even in the same state we are. right now. I'm getting messages. Henry just hit me up. He's getting messages.

He's not even in the same state we are. Oh, yeah, I'm getting messages too, man. I mean, all these children love this song. So we're going to have to do a Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp meetup. It's going to happen in 2017. Next time I'm down in Jacksonville, we're all going to get together. Feel free to like the Facebook page as well. We're kind of getting on there i've been enjoying going on the jumbo jacksonville jumboship facebook

page and see the support from roundtable fans um it's really beautiful and by the way there is a huge backlash from suns fans who are furious that they have changed the name, which makes me crazy because I think it's the best goddamn baseball team name this side of the nip-a-ponchy. Although it is, and it is even a better theme song than the Jacksonville Suns, which I've already sang on here and I won't do it again.

Yeah, we don't need to do it again. We're not even going to sing the Jumbo Shrimp song because I'm afraid I'm going to put someone to spiral off and it would fit a madness so that song's stuck in their head for the next eight days'm afraid I'm going to put someone to spiral off into a fit of madness so that song's stuck in their head for the next eight days. We're not going to sing it?

We are the Jumbo Shrimp here to play a game. We are the Jumbo Shrimp here to play a game. Every day for the rest of your life. Now, there's a segment here within the hearts and minds of the children of Christmas.

Roundtable, the Christmas special. We've seen them. We see the Christmas specials. There's usually a little fireside, a piano, some singing, but it's really completely up to you. Right? Yeah. I will start.

It's whatever you want it to be. Who are the musical guests who's gonna host it everything right i'm gonna go with for hosting it i think it should be um jackie and ed hosting it okay um ben will be dressed as heathcliff off to the side sort of throwing in one-liners margus you, you'll be on the piano. Great. I don't know how to play the piano. That's fine. We'll learn.

We'll learn how to play the piano. So you'll be doing the songs, whatever. I'll be the song master. Okay. I will come in and I will sing the songs. We'll be eating jumbo shrimp. We'll be at the very end, Ben will give Jackie the mattress on the show, which would be like this really beautiful moment.

That's nice. Yeah. That's a cute way to end it. And we'll release the orphans at the end. From where? All orphans in every orphanage will open the doors and let them into the night. But that seems like what Reagan did with the mentally disabled. I mean, where are they going to go?

We will let them into the night. What if they want to stay? To do as they please. What if they want to stay in the warm? They cannot stay. They will be kicked out of the house. They must go into the night and be free.

You're re-orphaning them. No, it's like that scene with the dog where it's like you gotta go free, boy, and the dog's all sad about it, but the dog will eventually be happy about it. That's what we're doing. Does the dog get shot in the head, though? No, not that movie. Different movie. Oh, okay. If you love something, set it free.

And we love orphans here at the Roundtable of Gentlemen. So we will set them free. Let my orphans go. Into the night. Into the night. Okay, that's good. Let my orphans go into the night. Jackie will sing that when they go into the night.

So this is a Christmas-themed party? Roundtable Christmas special to be televised. Oh, I see. I thought it was a party-type thing. No, it's like a televised Christmas special. It is sort of set up like a party, you know? It can be. It's sort of kind of, you know, like Bing Crosby, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eddie is Santa Claus. I mean, there's no doubt about it. I think he'd do a great Santa Claus. He's got the ho, ho, ho thing all down, and he's overweight. And I think he has a beard. He will have a beard by the time. Yes.

And he'll hand out all the gifts to you and I. And let's see here. Jackie, you will be, I don't know, in charge of all the booze. Marcus, you just got to sit there, I guess. Holden, you're in charge of music. I don't want, in charge of all the booze. Marcus, you just got to sit there, I guess. Holden, you're in charge of music. I don't want to do anything. I mean, I don't really, I can do something. You want to do something?

I'm a useful person. I have a lot of skills. You taste, you lick all the food. I lick the food. Great. Holden. Like, shme, he is Peter Pan. Ooh.

Holden, you're music. Yeah. You're on the music. I'm music. Holding your music. You're on the music. I'm music. That's right. It's my job to laugh when all of you get gifts from Eddie and in the packaging of those gifts is nothing.

Wow. Jesus. Unbelievable. You guys aren't getting gifts. No. No, we get it. It'll be like, Marcus, you got a DirecTV. Yep. Or you got a... A DirecTV.

I don't know if it's a package. You got a contract for a DirecTV, but then it's not. And then you got a new Xbox, but there's nothing in the box. Don't need it. Don't even... And then I'm just laughing. Yeah. Okay.

So that's kind of fun. Unbelievable. Seriously unbelievable. Real shitty Christmas. Jackie... No, it's a fun Christmas. No, for you. Yeah. So that's kind of fun. Seriously unbelievable. Real shitty Christmas. Jackie. No, it's a fun Christmas. No. For you.

And the crowd. No one likes to watch anybody else get a gift, but people love to watch people disappointed with not getting a gift. That's an audience booster. Actually, this is a perfect segue into my Christmas special. It's going to be called the Schmuppets Christmas Hoedown. It's going to be a redux, weird version of The Muppet Christmas Carol.

However, Kissel's going to play Scrooge. Of course. But hopefully he's going to try to be like Michael Caine, but he will get that tiny scarf in the end, and I'm very excited to see a very tiny scarf on you. Thank you for giving me a role.

And my name, I'm going to be Miss Chiggy. And Holden will be Shmurmit. And Ed's going to play Sweetums, the big character, even though he's not a part of it, but I just think he would be funny to play Sweetums. And Marcus, you're going to play Mr. Honeydew, Dr. Honeydew. And Henry is going to play all of the ghosts.

We're bringing Henry in. He's going to be the weird ghost of Christmas past, that weird little girl, the floaty girl. But this already exists. Yes, however, we're going to make our own Muppets. We're going to make our own puppets. My show is called Deflated Christmas. And we're going to make our own songs.

Like, we're going to sing Christmas Shoes. That is already a song, but we are going to sing it. And we're going to sing Christmas Shoes that is already a song but we are going to sing it and we're going to sing songs like It's Christmas time and we are smiling you are smiling and everybody gets a gift and so we're going to come up with a song

mine is the opposite of yours but you are Scrooge if we just combined I think it would be kind of fun you never change though I feel like Scrooge doesn't have his comeuppance. You just stay the same. What happened to, Scrooge never had a comeuppance. I mean, yeah, he changes.

He learns. I mean, when the Ghost of Christmas Future was kind of a comeuppance. I don't think you finished the story. Did you finish the whole story? Yeah, he just went back to live in the mansion. Scrooge didn't lose anything. That is true. He just was happier.

Yeah. Actually, Scrooge got everything he wanted. Absolutely everything he wanted. I never understood the Christmas Carol. What do you mean? No, he didn't give away all of his money. He gave away a little bit. But he starts helping people.

He goes and he buys the big turkey, makes the bunny go get the big turkey. A goose. There may be a poor family that would have liked that turkey. He still ate it. They are poor. He gave it to the Cratchits. He gave it to the Cratchits.

He brought it to the Cratchits. Ah, well. And Tiny Tim, who did not die. Nine. He did die. Eventually. We're going to let the orphans have it. Hey!

Let them free into the night. Merry Christmas, everybody. I don't understand. All those orphans are going to die. When you open the box, you're so excited, and then there's nothing in it. Yeah, I know. It's a euphemism for life. I mean, your horrible views on life.

That's not my views on life. That's a reality we're all born into. We didn't sign up for this. I think when Ed's not here, we really miss a positive energy. Yeah, he does bring something very positive. He brings a thing. All right. We all go to a very sad. All of he does bring something very positive. He brings a thing. All right. We all go to a very sad...

All of us go to our own little hole. I'm so sad. I will superimpose a picture of you playing with the gift that you would have gotten. So that itself is a gift. So I'll buy these shoes. Shoes. For my mama, please.

I actually like the Jumbo Shrimp song better. Why? It's because you are a Scrooge. I'm not a Scrooge. He had so much money. Let's get out of here. All right, everybody. Have a great night and a great afternoon and a great morning as well.

You want to close it? Close it up. Yeah, sure. I'm going to close it out. Good night, sure. I'm going to close it out. Good night, everybody. Check out Wizard and the Bruiser on Cave Comedy Radio. And you know what? This is that week. If you were thinking about picking up the guitar, pick up that guitar.

If you were interested in dabbling in painting, fucking grab the sticks. Grab the brushes. All right? Paint a beautiful picture. And if you wanted to grab Susie's breasts, ask first, get the consent, and then fucking grab away. Yeah, because at Christmas time, everybody wants to bang. There you go. There you go.

Okay. Very good. Thanks for listening. What? I don't know what you want from me, Jack. I just miss Ed. Ed will be back. He's having fun.

He's eating a bunch of chili. Oh, no. I'll see him next week alright guys bye everyone okay everyone's gonna be sad now? I'm fine with it no I'm happy alright

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