The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 309: There's *** in the Frosting!

Episode Date: December 13, 2016

The gang is joined by Henry Zebrowski to learn about some students who got a little too creative in Home Ec, a stabbing at a party celebrating another stabbing, and to discuss their ideal VR scenarios.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

I'll just punch you in the face and stealing all your shit. You do look stupid. If I ever see anyone with a VR mask, I'm punching them in their face and taking all their shit. It was so good. Yeah, punch them in the belly. Wherever. My belly's open. No, you know, you can plug hippo in.

It's almost like a helmet. You pull their pants down, you start playing with their penis, and they think it's a chick, right? It got all hard, right? And then all of a sudden, they take off the mask. It's a big fucking ugly cuss word. That's what I wanted. I wanted the penis pump anime girl experience, but we'll get there. Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, not at the Dorkly offices. Oh, right. So we got, that's very much in public. But I would go to a Publix and do it. All right. I'd get a sandwich. Get a sandwich while I'm doing anime girls blowing me. And it has to be an anime girl, by the way.

It can't be normal porn. It's got to be weird cartoon women. Billy cheesesteak sandwich. We have to start the goddamn show. Is this not it? I thought we were literally doing the show. Holden feels like it started. Hit record.

We have started the show. Well, all right. We have to start the show with a prayer, usually. We can keep all that VR stuff in there. Okay, Holden. It's on me? No, I did it last time. It's on you, alright. We have to start the show with a prayer, usually. We can keep all that VR stuff in there. Okay, Holden. It's on me? No, I did it last time. It's on you, Ed. You did it last time? I prayed last time I was here. Well, do it again, then. Alright, in the name of the Father, the Son,

and the Holy Spirit, amen. No. Okay, that's the end of the prayer. Good job, everybody. We've never had somebody know a prayer before, and I think a no is not a fight. I mean, we've known the prayer before. No, I don't think so. You know the prayer every week. Everybody fights vehemently to not do the prayer. Dear Jesus Christ.

No. Now we can't do it again. Listen, I haven't even asked the question yet. Pull your pants out? What the hell is that? What? Asking Christ to pull his pants out. How does he pull his pants out?

And he wears a robe. Pull your robe up. Pull your robe up. You don't have to robe up. You don't pull a robe up. You can do it however you want. How the hell do you piss robe? Cut it down the middle with a fancy spear. You diss the robe. You call it a piece of shit. You call it a fucking, ooh, it's gay.

Do you think that his bush hair looks like a bouquet of those payas? The Jewish curls? I think it's dreadlocked. I think Jesus manscapes. I think Jesus stays with the times. I think he has a BuzzFeed account and he posts his own BuzzFeed lists.

I think he has sex with 12 dudes in a desert while they eat shitty bread. He doesn't have sex. He has blecks. Henry said he ruined his career mode. It doesn't matter. No, that's good. No, it really doesn't.

All right. So is that an amen? Name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, amen. doesn't. All right. So is that an amen? Name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, amen. Hail Satan. Woo! All right. Party every day. That's right.

So Jackie isn't here. No. But you're technically filling in for Henry. Or Kevin. He's sitting in Kevin's seat. I know, but he's filling in for Jackie. You think so? Absolutely.

I mean, I'm giving us both a break and sitting on opposite sides of the table. Thank you. So we don't have to fight each other's fucking space or gravity. I don't like it. And it also gives me less work because I don't have to move a microphone. There you go. Well, you're welcome. You're welcome, everyone.

Christmas can go fuck itself. The war on Christmas begins now. You know how we start doing it? Systematically executing the frogs that play Santa Claus. I like Christmas. You're going to kill Santa Claus. I like Christmas. You're going to kill Santa Claus's. You're going to kill mall Santa's. That's your career.

In 10 years, you are only going to work as a mall Santa. You put up a Christmas tree days ago. I did. I actually felt a little bit of Christmas cheer. It got deep into my heart. It surprised our mother for Christmas. She didn't know we were going to be there. We showed up with a Christmas tree.

Is the dog still alive? No, the dog's been dead for a year. Yeah, a full year? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's somewhere with Anne Frank. It's been a pile of ashes. What is wrong with you right now? Anne Frank did not go to heaven. Yes, she did. No, she didn't. We're moving on.

Why? Because. Yeah, what's the move on to? This is the show now, Ben. This is the show. This is not the show. This has been the show for years. Anne Frank in heaven. Yes or no? Hold it. Yeah. This is the show. This is not the show. This has been the show for years. It is Anne Frank in heaven. Yes or no? Hold it. Yeah.

Of course she is. Hell yeah. And bring up in it. Yeah. Make a blow. She does like hiding up top. Okay. Leave it alone.

She does like being at it. When are you Jewish, Eddie? What? When are you Jewish? June. Okay. So then you can say those jokes in June. Do you know a word of the Torah yet? Baruch atah. What does that mean? When are you Jewish? June. Okay, so then you can say those jokes in June. Do you know a word of the

Torah yet? Baruch Atah. What does that mean? Danoy. Anay alanehu. Danoy, which is also Domino's Pizza. Hey, how you doing? I'm Jewish. You know, good to meet you. Yeah. I don't know. There you go. Shalom! Shalom! Mitzvah. You make that up?

I fudged some of it. Okay. Holden, do your shout-outs. Holden, it is good to see you. I am back in charge. It's the half an hour. Holden and friends on every week at Sunday time. I'm going to fucking blow my brains out.

These shout-outs do get long. I do listen every week. I think the shout-outs are the best part of the show. I actually think it's Sunday time. I'm going to fucking blow my brains out. These shout-outs do get long. I do listen every week. I think the shout-outs are the best part of the show. I actually think it's the opposite. No. Do you like the shout-outs, Ben? I love the shout-outs. Really? You're such a flip-flopper. You say the one thing next week, and the next week you say whatever. You're denying reality.

I think he's like Memento. I think he truly forgets. Alright, so let's do the shout-outs. Check your body for tattoos If it says I don't have any tattoos It doesn't say you are Ben Kissel It doesn't say there was a woman

That was murdered No tattoos Show your toes baby Because I have no toes You are a flip flopper Yeah Oh my god I'm afraid you're gonna take your shirt off

And it's gonna be covered with Fucking swastikas on a pizza Oh That's not That's Edit it out Marcus Edit it out Cannot deny reality

I don't edit anymore so you're fucked I don't care No he's not fucked Ben's fucked What did I do I have a swastika pizza tattoo I bet it's delicious Wait till June Dylan W says

I've got a shout out Tell Ed the dolphins are losing to the Bills Xmas Eve. Also, Bird Luger equals the truth. Wow. Shots fired on Ed Larson. That's not really. It's on the Dolphins. You just get so emotionally involved.

Why attack you where you're most vulnerable? I'm fine with that. The Dolphins won today. We're looking like we're in the playoffs. But the quarterback tore his ACL. Oh, did he? Yeah. Wow.

Duty Strack says Mike is full of dykes. Who's Mike? He hopes he dies in a school bus fire with children ripping his skin off as they try to escape. Also tell Ben I'll cuddle him on that Casper mattress. Well, no one's cuddling Ben on the

Casper mattress. Thank you. Because that is sitting in the corner. Not anymore. Really? What'd you do with it? What'd you do with it? What does sitting mean? Throw it at a boy? You evil man. Yeah, did you actually unfold it? You don't unfold a Casper.

A Casper unfolds itself. It's like a good story. Ben likes drama. And one thing I don't like in my life is a bunch of drama. A Casper unfolds itself. It's like a good story. Ben likes drama. And one thing I don't like in my life is a bunch of drama. All you do is create drama. All I've said about Holden is he is a no drama mama. No drama mama. And you got to remember, Ed, because you tried to come up to me and be like, Susan's saying some shit.

I remember when you said that. Susan Boyle. Susan Boyle. I love Susan Boyle. Pan-faced fucking. Leave her alone. I love Susan Boyle. Pan-faced fucking... Leave her alone. Edited out, Marcus. Susan Boyle is the ugliest woman to ever warble a song into a microphone.

That is completely true, and I'm including Sidney Lauper. Oh, Sidney Lauper is a beautiful woman. I love Susan Boyle. Bacon Eggs and Grit says, Joe Cocker's pretty ugly. He's not a woman. Yeah, we don't know that. And we don't know what he identifies as.

Oh, everything's getting more complicated around me. Joe Cocker, did he go to heaven or did he go to hell? Heaven! Okay. Is he dead? Yes. So is Leon Russell. Okay.

Bacon Eggs and Grit says, please relay the message to a one young cheese plate that he is a cheese plate in the sun in a dumpster because he's on X bone and Tell Ben that I am also a tall Ben But my heritage is predominantly English in all caps he writes so let's dance bitch, which I think is a call to arms Let's do it. I would love to I want to learn how to dance. I was walking by a Was it a tango lesson the other day? Yeah, they look like they were having so much fun.

You were thinking about doing a little two-step? I was thinking about watching them in the window. You must be the saddest, largest, the largest matchbook salesman in the world, like out in the street covered in snow, staring at the couples tangoing. You don't believe that a matchbook business is actually pretty good? And I'll just do one more here to spare you all. Thank you. Because I'm not prepared.

How many more are there left? There's a bunch. I'm actually just, I have the app now on my phone that has my PlayStation messages on it. That's fucking hilarious. So I'm not as prepared right now, okay? But I'm doing my best. How are you less prepared with an app that makes it easier to do? No, no, no.

I'm doing my best. I know that. It's not good enough. No, it's never been good enough. Okay. Nine bucks says, I love the wizard and the bruiser. Okay, now you're just plugging your show. My show, it comes out every Thursday. Does it, really?

Next week's Neon Genesis Evangelion No shit! It's very good. Can I get a shout out to my girlfriend Izza. I-Z-Z-A-H. Sure, very good. It's a shitty woman's name. He's making up a shitty woman's name.

I think it's Izza. Quit telling Z-Z-A-H? Sure. Very good. It's a shitty woman's name. He's making up a woman's name. I think it's his. Quit telling me where to put the couch. Woman always screaming at me saying, put the couch in the corner. Now put it in the bedroom. Hershey's too small. It's fun. It's good when it's small.

We've been together seven years this year. Also tell Ben he's awesome. Thank you. That is your PlayStation Network shout-outs brought to you by the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't bring me involved in your... And go put the name in there? No.

So I just stop telling people I do the podcast? That's your brand. That's your stuff. That's your style. That's your character. I'm going to do a PlayStation shout-out. Shout-out to my brother who's finally listening to the podcast. Oh, wow. That's your stuff. It's your style. It's your care. I'm gonna do a PlayStation shout out Shout out to my brother who's finally listening to the podcast Avery how's your fucking dick hanging actually don't tell me that I actually his dick still works right cuz he was in an accident

Yes, it is fine And it was a little touch and go there it It's actually really true. That's true. Is he Batman? No, yeah, he did finger push-ups to make his dick work again. He called Bane a big, bad, mean man. And Bane came up to him and said, you would get an erection and then you'll have my

permission to die. That's pretty good Bane. But that's not Bane. I'm already doing Bane. I don't... I hope you can get an erection today, because if not, then you don't have my permission to die. I just feel like, you know what? I like the Bane from George Clooney's Batman better. Really?

Favorite cat woman? What's that? I wanted a big monster. Bane was tiny. He spoke like he had a bunch of gumballs in his mouth. Bane, very tiny. He had a wholealls in his mouth. Bane, very tiny. He had a whole thing in his mouth. I like the fake one where he was...

Oh, wait, I know Bane's a fake one. So I brought Bane me a little bacon with white fish on it. And then you had my permission to die. I'm the Joker. Oh, I eat too many pills. Quack, quack, quack. I'm the penguin. I'm the penguin.

Ned, this is like really phoning that penguin thing in He was tiny, but you're talking about He was tiny before he became Bane He's still tiny as Bane The guy that played Bane His name was Jeep Swinson Did you see God given name? That's the Bane from the

Clooney one He was tiny before He became Bane And then after he became Bane He the Clooney one. That's the Clooney Bane. Well, yeah, I mean, he was tiny before he became Bane, and then after he became Bane, he was played by Jeep Swenson. Yeah, but Jeep Swenson is my version of Bane. He's so much better than Tom Hardy. God, he looks like a big blood clot. Yeah, he is a big blood clot. Look how cool that Bane is.

He looks like you stuck your mouth on the end of a frog and you blew on it real hard and he got all big. Yeah. He's got a bunch of spikes too. I think that's such a cooler Bane than Tom Hardy's Bane. That's all I'm going to say. And he didn't talk. Bane should not speak. Bane's a killing machine. No, Bane is technically

Espanol and should have had a fucking Espanol fucking accent. Bane's Spanish and they didn't make him Spanish? Capital S Spanish. White Spanish. Spaniard. Well, why wasn't there an uproar about that then? I don't know. I started it.

I went like, oh, well, this Bane should know about fucking grilled octopus, shouldn't he? Shouldn't he know about mini succulent tapas? Different kind of salsas. Beautiful things. Tapas is Spain. Spain is tapas. Spain is appetizers. Oh, okay.

I thought tapas was more of an Asian thing. No, you fucking idiot. What are you talking about? That's what they call hats. Oh, that's what they call hats in Japan. I don't think that's true. Well, the fact that Bane is Spanish really grinds my gears to steal a family guy trope because they should let the world know that he is.

All these whites are playing him. Whites play all the different races now. You could take a white guy. Persia was white. That was ridiculous. That's right. Jake Gyllenhaal, if you look at him,

if you throw a little bronzer on him, sure he could be Iranian. Because he just mixed it up. He's got the dark hair. We are, there's a thing, that's called a thing, you know. Europe is full of 75 types

of white people. True or false? I think the Prince of Persia should have been a Persian person or at least somebody from the Middle East just to be a little bit more accurate. Our friend Cena John could have done it. Cena John would have... No one went to that damn movie. I think a lot of people did. No, not because Jake Gyllenhaal wasn't an actual Iranian.

I actually was kind of upset. No, I wasn't upset because I feel no feelings. You feel all the feelings. was kind of upset. No, I wasn't upset because I feel no feelings. You feel all the feelings. I was crisscrossed about the idea

of a non-Iranian playing the Prince of Persia just because his name is fucking the Prince of Persia. But then at the same time, I stopped giving shit immediately. It's a video game movie.

Yeah. Who cares? Yeah, it's all fake. Movies are fake too. Oh, are they really? They're real. What? Total Recall's not real?

No. The first one is. The second one isn't. It's just documentaries. Prince of Persia can suck my dick. I think we need to leave Prince of Persia alone. He's a superhero, for crying out loud. He can climb on walls.

Should I do PlayStation shout-outs again? Do them again. Let's do them again. Did you miss any? Marcus doesn't want to do a story today. I would love to do a story. You do want to do one? Do you want to do a story?

I have got plenty of stories. I like stories. Let's do a story. I love a story. Yeah, without stories, like, what am I doing here? do a story. You do want to do one? I have got plenty of stories. I like stories. Let's do a story. I love a story. Yeah, without stories, like, what am I doing here? Oh, Marcus, don't be sad about that. I'm sorry, man. Everybody say one thing that Marcus does that makes you happy.

Marcus has got the best ear-long haircut in this room. Beautiful ear-long haircut. Marcus, I think when you smile, I see the sun. The sun between a desert. The sun is also yellow. I'm fine. No, that's not what I meant. He rocks

my world on the drums. Your skin's very nice. Thank you. I feel like you have less wrinkles than you used to. My skin is one of my points of pride. It's like tightening. Yeah. You actually, you don't have as many wrinkles as the rest of us.

Are you using a lotion? No, this is just natural. You stopped smoking and drinking. I think that's what it is mostly is that I stopped smoking and drinking so much. I stopped smoking, and you stopped drinking? For the most part. I only drink a couple times a week now. You drink like three bottles of wine a night

and then you guys just fight until you fall asleep or you toss it in her while she's asleep. We don't buy it. Well, that's not allowed. Yeah, that's not allowed. Edit it out. You can't control reality. You gotta edit it out. Do you wake her up to have sex?

Henry, you know what? You're in free speech jail. Why am I in free speech jail? Because every time you come on Roundtable, for some reason, you get to bug up your ass to ruin everything. I am the most PC I've ever been. Right now, I'm going to say is that I have listened to some previous episodes recently. I was in California. Personal computer? Yes.

Yes. Apple bottom. I was in California. Personal computer? Yes. Yes. Personal computer. Apple bottom. I am just saying, I listened to some previous episodes, and yes, I may have appeared to be coarse in my humor. Reckless. Reckless even. People have said.

I would say daring. Needlessly so, too. Very much so. I don't think it matters, though. Yes. You're very funny without the sort of gruff, mean sort of. Yeah, and being truly, truly upsetting. Flippant, one would say.

So today, my goal was, from the beginning of this podcast, and I think I've been doing it so far pretty well, is listening, feeling, empathizing, and responding. You've got to get out of therapy. Fuck you. It's making you worse. It is. It's making you worse.

It's stunning. I think it's nice. What's that? I thought that was nice. I did. It was all lies. Listening. He's been saying nothing but terrible things. Emp's stunning. I'm so against. What's that? I thought that was nice. I did. It was all lies. Listening. He's been saying nothing but terrible things.

Empathizing. With your belly? Now he's just got more terminology to lie with. Yeah. Empathizing. Oh, my God. Listening. You were pointing at your belly when you said empathizing.

All right, we're moving on. Now you're pointing at your head when you say empathizing. Which is it? We got to do a story here. It's none of those things. I love all the Asian cultures. It doesn't matter. I just put it out there that I love all of them.

Just saying it implies that at one point you didn't or something. No, I know you definitely love all of the Asian cultures and respect them. Alright, save it for the apology tour. Here we go. Let's do a news story. A whole tour. A tour. Three times around the world tour for this

guy here. What a lunatic. Hashtag no apologies. Whoa. Listening, apologizing. Empathizing. Are you going to let Marcus do a story at any time? Yes, of course.

Absolutely. Marcus Parks with the news? No, I'll throw it to him. Marcus Parks with the news. And a little less patronizing, please. What? What the hell did I do? No, not you.

I'm talking about Henry. I didn't mean to. It was the way he looked at his phone. It was the way he looked at his phone. Marcus Parks with the news, please. Listening, empathizing, responding. Get out of therapy. Get it.

That therapist is going to blow her brains out. Do you have like a sexy Sopranos therapist? No, it's like a bigger woman. And Marcus Parks with the news. There it is. That's a nice talk. See, that's great. I love that. He did the full finger.

That's super cool. I like that. Marcus Parks, you're the news. Marcus Parks, you've got the news. And I have some of the news. News, news, news. Marcus Parks with the news. Three Nebraska high school students are facing criminal charges

after mixing their semen into frosting that was later spread on a turnover that was consumed by their home economics teacher. Rack and roll. Can't do that. Was it an accident or did they do it on purpose? On purpose. There was a plan. How would you do that on accident?

You just happened to be making up some frosting and the next thing you know... I would have claimed oopsie doo. Oh no, I got it on the turnover. It was on the recipe and you know how it is with baking, you got to do the recipe exactly. I was like, you fucking turn over, and I came all over it. Kind of funny there.

I'm going to say I don't like the teacher that they targeted. My home ec teacher was the best teacher on the face of the planet. The only reason I was able to graduate high school. Who has home ec? I had home ec. Home ec is the best class ever. You got to get the science teacher, the math teacher. You know, one of these really hard classes. Leave the home ec. Home ec is the best class ever. You didn't have home ec? You got to get the science teacher, the math teacher. You know, one of these really hard classes.

Yeah, the stuffy one. Leave the home ec teacher alone. Yeah, well, the vile incident occurred Thursday at Westwood High School in Omaha and involved a trio of freshmen ages 14 and 15. According to police, the suspects excused themselves from a family and consumer science class and went at various times to the bathroom. Cops allege that after masturbating into containers, the boys returned to the classroom. The suspects then mixed the ejaculate into frosting that they subsequently applied to

turnovers that had been baked in class. Investigators say that the teacher consumed part of the tainted turnover as she went through the classroom and sampled her students' creations. I gotta say, if they were being bullied and this was a nerd's revenge and the bully ate it, I think that's kind of a funny thing. It is a funny thing. But in this situation, I just feel bad for the teacher

trying to teach these kids how to make apple turnovers. We don't know if she was molesting them or not. We don't know that, but I'm gonna assume that they weren't being molested. I guess that's a brave

assumption as well, as much as the opposite. One in 50 odds they're being molested? I don't know what the odds are. What are the odds? Marcus, did you know? It's a 58-year-old woman.

Sometimes they can be the horniest. Yeah, because they haven't been touched at all for many years. How Stella got her groove back? That is true. That's one of the horniest movies I've ever masturbated to. But she was like 40 in that movie. Yeah, she didn't do anything with anything wrong. Yum, yum.

She was a Jamaican man with his fun big penis. Yeah, and they just saw that. That 50-year-old woman was begging to eat a whole mouthful of semen. I don't think she was because she pressed charges. The 58-year-old teacher later learned of the tainted frosting when another student reported overhearing the suspects discussing

their plan. School officials subsequently summoned police who questioned each suspect and seized their individual frosting containers. According to cops, all three boys confessed to planning to mix their bodily fluids into the frosting, which they wanted the victim to taste. While two students reportedly admitted to placing their semen in the frosting, the third suspect claimed not to have followed through with the repulsive plot.

See, now I'm listening with the story, right? I'm listening to the story. I'm empathizing with the teacher. I understand if she unwillingly, unknowingly ate a bunch of semen frosting, that is bad. And she should, of course, prosecute these children. But what I think is equally unfair is that if she consented to and chose to eat the semen in that frosting, if she wanted to, that would also be a crime. You know what I'm saying? So even if she had wanted to eat.

So how does this translate to empathy? Empathy with the woman. I don't think you know what I'm saying? So even if she had wanted to eat. So how does this translate to empathy? Empathy with the woman. I don't think you know what empathy means. I'm just saying. No, actually, what is empathy? Henry, what's empathy? It's not even that interesting of a point. It's walking a mile in the moccasins.

And so I put it on. So let's say, yes, if you go ahead and you come in my moccasins. I feel like walking a mile in moccasins isn't even bad because that's a comfy shoe. Maybe if it was walking a mile in some, like, wooden plank. It's not about comfort, it's about understanding. I don't think they're that cozy. I'm just saying, if you come in my moccasins and I didn't know about it and I stick my feet in it, oh, and I think, oh, my shoe gels have popped, and then I find out it's a bunch of cum and I'm mad.

Shoe gels and a couple of moccasins? Are these some Nike moccasins? Do you eat the mad. Shoe gels and a couple of moccasins or some Nike moccasins? Do you eat the moccasin? You don't eat moccasins. Those are called jerky socks. I'm just using the metaphor of the moccasins on the feet as that. But if I ask for someone to cum in my shoes

and then I put them on there and then if it was a boy, it would still be illegal just because it's some boy. Yeah, but the boy wouldn't be in trouble. You would be in trouble. You would be in trouble. Everyone would be in trouble. Mostly you. But I would be in trouble. You should be in trouble.

As a matter of fact, you're still in trouble. You're in free speech jail. Why? Yeah, you're in free speech jail. I'm listening and empathizing. You have said things that has enraged me, that has enraged my family, that has enraged the president of the United States of America, Barack Obama. Yeah, he's still in office, dog, with a W. That's good.

Oh, wow. Woo! D-O-W-G? No, no, A-W. Oh, okay. That's a dog. I just think it's unfair that this woman could get semen from a boy, and it's illegal just because it's from a boy.

I just don't think that she wanted it, though, so it's not unfair. It's a doggy dog world, Ben. It's not unfair to John Wayne Gacy. Yeah, and she shouldn't be allowed to get semen from a boy. You're saying that, and I think that she wanted it, though, so it's not unfair. It's a doggy dog world, Ben. It's not unfair to John Wayne Gacy. Yeah, and she shouldn't be allowed to get semen from a boy. You're saying that, and I think that's a problem. It should have, would have, could have. I just don't like this whole... What the hell are you talking about?

Empathizing when I'm listening. I just don't like... I mean, it's just illogical to have gels and moccasins. No, that's not illogical. No, it's extremely illogical. It doesn't make a lot of sense. What, are you playing basketball on some fucking moccasins? I have heel pain right now.

I have heel pain on my left heel. I got lower back pain. Oh my God. Tell me. Every time I stand up, it's a shot of pain. My knees. You hurt randomly. Your knees?

Yeah. If we put us all together, we'd be the most in pain person. My right hip is a fucker. Yeah, me too. My left. Is this the end of the fucking wrestler? What is wrong with you old timey dickheads? None of you do anything physical.

I know that for a fact. I'm living life for free. If that one man is in me. He's in me. I haven't thought about that song since that movie came out. But I have to wear a shoe gel no matter what. No matter what shoes I'm wearing. In what world do you think this is an interesting conversation?

Wait, you slip in the shoe gel? Yep. Ben! He's elderly. But he's not. Yeah. Slathered with Rogaine. Yeah, slathered with Rogaine.

I got a heel spur pillow in. Gulbon, too. Yeah, I got that only during the summer time. Gulbon's good, though. You're doing Rogaine for your hair? Yeah. No, I'm doing Rogaine for my fucking dick. Well, does it make you suicidal?

I hope so. Try it! Fucking try it! I does it make you suicidal? I hope so. Try it! Fucking try it! I heard it makes you suicidal. Nah, nah, I haven't seen that yet. Horrible nightmares though, vivid hallucinations. I can't drive a car anymore because I got eye shakes. But otherwise, my hair is coming in. I haven't seen it yet.

They said it could take literally up to seven months, and that is not an exaggeration. Do not talk to the purple monkey. Apparently not, because he tells you three truths and two lies. And if you guess the truth is wrong and a lie is wrong, you lose your dick. The lie is I'm not gay. All right. And it'd be fine if you were.

So my question is that I have several questions But Andrew you start with your question Can I ask one question Okay yes again Accusatory and heretofore She has heard a story Coincidental to the side of it This is a

Accusatory heretofore She has heard a side of the story Altogether inside of it You sound like Ted Bundy defending himself. These aren't words that matter, and they certainly don't go together. I don't know, I think he's flipping. That's what I'm saying. Circumstantial evidence has shown.

Talking about flip-floppers. You just got a bunch of kids, 15-year-old boys, notorious liars, overheard them chuckling about a funny little story about a bunch of boys coming into a back to frosting. This woman here is like, oh, I must have eaten a whole bunch of fucking cum the other day. I'm sending these kids to jail. She's not Julia Childs.

I'm just saying. You ever know, I just assume this is what she sounds like if she got mad over something like this. You're going to go to this frosting if she got mad. You're saying that like, you have to be like a special type of person

to get mad at this. Are you saying that most people would brush this off as like a foolish goof? You've seen the movie Porky's? Yeah. You just laugh at that. Yeah, but that's a movie. I mean, in reality, they're committing multiple felonies.

It took place like 70 years ago. It's true. It's true. But nobody checked the frosting to see if there was cum in it? Well, the kids confessed. Well, two out of three of them confessed. Yeah, but you put kids in a corner. They're going to confess to anything.

I don't think that's true. You take a kid and you put them in a corner, they're going to confess to anything. I don't think that's true. You take a kid and you put them in a closet and you strip them all of their clothes and you spray them with a hose a couple days, they're going to say anything. Slap them with a bunch of old pancakes. Spray paint them red. Put them outside. Tell everybody, look, it's a stop sign. Everybody go look at the naked stop sign.

Yeah, knock on the naked stop sign. That doesn't sound good. Stop signs need more dicks. That'd be great. What? Pay attention. Stop cluing dicks to stop sign. Yeah, knock on the naked stop sign. That doesn't sound good. Stop signs need more dicks. That'd be great. What? Glue dicks to stop signs. You can glue a penis to anything. I think stop signs, because it already looks like a big face. So you're

saying... What the hell are you talking about? I want to start a trend, you know, and get people going out into the world. Vandalizing a very needed street sign in order to ensure safety. Crucial to the societal construct as a whole. Exclude the stop sign. The question is that my other thing is that you think that a stop sign looks like a big face? Yeah.

How is it a face? Stop! Stop! It's a big run. It's on top of a person. Is that just what you see over women's faces all the time? Is it being like, stop! Stop! I wish. How stoned are you, Eddie?

On a scale of one to Eddie, how stoned are you? Oh, man, I'm like holding. Ed is a rusing dude. I was fucking hanging out with him right before the show, man. He's fucking awesome, dude. That's always a good thing to do before a show. Now, Henry, my grandmother once said to me, the hair on your head is the most important.

It's everything, right? The hair is everything. So I feel bad for you. You should feel bad for me. It's the one thing I had before. So everything I've ever said. Henry Zebrowski, beautiful hair. You had hair down to your shoulders.

I remember this. Do you remember when I had really long, curly, flowing hair? Long, flowing hair. Yeah, I remember that hair. Now it's all just on my body. Yeah. Because I've been taking hair pills. I've been taking biotin to make my hair thicker, but it's working everywhere but my head.

I heard that that makes your penis split into two. Calcified. Why don't you just go bald? Jason Alexander was very successful as a bald man. He got lucky. Have you tried taking the biotin upside down? No, I have not. Well, actually he has.

I do have to think about that. He calls it his old Christmas tree. Henry, why don't you bend over and show him the food? Oh, man. Oh, not my chimney. Oh, my sooty, sooty, sooty chimney. All right. So now these kids are going to get charged with something probably horrible.

A misdemeanor prosecuted in juvenile court, and they will also face unspecified school disciplinary measures. Yeah, I'm certain that they have to just like, the principal's like, I've got the perfect punishment. And then he just comes in all their mouths. That principal's British. Is that sexual assault? They definitely should have to. Making someone eat cum?

Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely. So they definitely should have to eat their own turnover. What about peeing on someone? That's also, anything. Definitely.

Anything is. I actually don't think that pissing on someone is sexual assault. Yeah, I don't think it's sexual assault. I think that it probably is. That's badgery. It could be. Actually, in all seriousness, that does sound like a legal gray area. I would do it just to hear what a judge has to say about it.

I think it's more like littering. All right. I think it's buggering. What's buggering? Anal rape. Really? All right, so's really... I think it's buggering. What's buggering? Buggering is... Anal rape. Oh, really? All right, so let's move on.

Everyone's going to be... My uncle called me saying I had an update the other day. Don't fucking shut up about it. Okay, good. Let's move on. Didn't John Glenn break the sound barrier? He died. No, he was the first man to orbit the Earth.

Who broke the sound barrier? The world's fastest India. That's Chuck Yeager. That man should have pissed on somebody to see what would happen because he's already broken a bunch of rules. Well, then I think he would just get himself wet. Well, he's breaking the sound barrier. Pissed it inside the airplane.

I think it just would stand still. Look, my piss is faster than sound. I don't know, man. That's actually a tough question. You're welcome. Thank you. I think you should just go actually a tough question. You're welcome. Thank you. I think you should just go bald like Jason Alexander. He got lucky.

He did get lucky. Not that lucky. He went bald. Let's move from sex to murder. Yay. That's a nice cozy area. A man was stabbed to death at a party to celebrate the life of his friend who was the victim of a knife attack just 24 hours earlier. Isn't it ironic?

Don't you think? It's a little too ironic. Cut it out. That's fine. Is this a gang thing or a redneck thing? An English redneck thing. Oh, those fuckers are dirty. Am I out of jail yet?

Nope. Aw, man. What do I got to do to get out of jail? For someone who's in free speech jail, by the way, he sure is fucking rambling a lot. All right, let's do another story. Come on, I got to get out of jail? For someone who's in free speech jail, by the way, he sure is fucking rambling a lot. All right. Let's do another story. Come on.

I got to get out of good behavior. Yeah, we still do the knife attack story. Oh, the knife attack story. Well, let's continue on with this story. The 38-year-old man was found with stab wounds to his chest in Sninton Notts in the early hours of Sunday. God. Sninton Notts. Millsview Close in, I think it's S-N-E-I-N-T-O-N,

maybe Sninton? That's even worse. Sninton? Sninton? They can't name shit well. Sninton or Sninton. Either Sninton or Sninton. Every place has got four names there.

Yeah, and after being in Sninton, it's in knots. Sninton knots. Sninton knots. Sninton nuts. Sninton nuts. I don't know. Sounds like something you might want to clean up with a Kleenex or something. Oh, like some coming in moccasin. Gotcha.

You didn't get anybody. Caught you sleeping. I am awake. Caught you sleeping. That's like the Native American or that old tale, this tale of salty foot. Yeah, coming to stoves. Oh, salty foot always falls for the coming to moccasins. You know what?

Me thinking that Saltyfoot be liking it. That was the worst Native American impression we've ever had. Anyway. The 38-year-old man, yep, he was stabbed and he died. It came after Martin Maughan, 27, was found with a stab wound in Westwalk in Sninton just after 6 a.m. on Saturday, he also died as a result of his injuries. This is in Nottingham Shire. So we got two people stabbed to death in 24 hours.

Uh-huh, and they both were friends, but unrelated. What was the fight? The fight? It doesn't actually say what the fight exactly was. It's just that there was a fight at the party to celebrate the life of the friend who had been stabbed the night before. And during that party to celebrate the stabbing victim's life, there was a stabbing victim. The person who threw the party was stabbed to death. But the person who was stabbed 24 hours before was still alive, right?

No, he died too. He died? Yeah. Well, that's why they were celebrating his life. So this is a funeral? Kind of more of a wake. Oh, kind of a wake. Was he there? He's dead. Oh, the vessel, the vessel. Was the vessel there?

No. It was just a party in Sninton. I feel like they gotta stop hanging out with each other. Everyone in that room should never see each other again. Why do so many of these types of functions end in murder or mayhem? I don't think many of these functions do. I've only heard of this one. They're a violent people,

the British. Yes. But like a lot of Middle Eastern cultures, they shoot guns a lot in the air. In the old air, yeah. You don't want to be on the second floor. Yeah. Knives come down a lot quicker. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, because they're difficult. You can't toss them as high. I do gotta say, yeah, I much prefer someone shooting a gun in the air than throwing

knives into the air. A knife is more dangerous than a gun. In a lot of ways, it is. I don't know. It depends. It is. It is much more dangerous. Very hard to, it's incredibly easy to avoid a gun when a man's attacking you with a gun. You run in a zigzag.

Yeah, run in a zigzag, you're done. You're good. Like an alligator. Incredibly hard to avoid a man with a knife. He's swiping and swiping, and it's going to get you. I watched this really great video of a dude with a knife killing a bunch of. Like he killed like three or four police officers while they were trying to shoot him. I forget what country it was in.

You preface this with you watched a really great video. It was wild. And it was a dude had a knife. About five cops are surrounding him with guns drawn. And he'd go up to one and slice their bellies. And their guts would fall out. And they would come and like they're all trying to shoot him, but they don't want to miss him because then they're all going to maybe shoot him in the head.

Well, that is a very... They shoot each other, so they can't do anything. Close range, there's no arguing the knife is probably a better weapon than the gun, especially if there's more people around. Depends on what kind of gun. If it's just a little.22, you're a little popper. That's a little snub nose, right? If you've got cops in a circle, you can't hit the other cops.

Well, they definitely did not take military training. That doesn't seem like a very good strategic decision to all circle around somebody. Ed brings up a good point, though. If you have a gun the size of the moon, you can just blow up the whole planet. Yeah, but how do you fit it in the area? You just got to kill one guy with a knife. Right, but you could just blow up the whole planet and everybody's dead. Seems like a lot of collateral damage.

Well, it'd be fun and funny. That's why everywhere I walk, I have two grenades strapped to a belt around my waist. Always. Just in case if I have to pop it, I can pop it. And then scream ISIS right before that, then I get written up in the newspaper. Yeah, you'll definitely be remembered. Yeah. In a strange way. You have a beard for ISIS.

Thank you. No problem. Thank you. I feel like that's unfair about ISIS. You could just say you're an ISIS, and now you're an ISIS. That's not unfair to ISIS. ISIS loves when people say they're an ISIS and then they commit attacks on their behalf. They just get all these schlubs. They didn't have a lot of people this year. No.

No. They didn't do too well. 2016, hard year for a lot of people. Hard year for a lot of people. Hard year for ISIS. I said rough year. ISIS is doing pretty well. They had a tough 2016.

They didn't get a lot of people. They were literally getting chased by robots every day. That must be so hard for them. That's amazingly fun. No, I mean, I don't think it is. You're literally getting chased by Transformers. They're a bunch of little Shia LaBeoufs running around the desert. They're just checking on how many steps

they've taken that day, and when the robots catch them, they tell them 3,000 steps. And they're like, you'll reach your daily limit. That's it. What was that baseball game where all the robots played baseball your daily limit. That's it. Is that it? What was that baseball game where all the robots played baseball? Robot baseball. Oh, it was just called that?

Either that or called Baseball 2024 or something like that. It was fun. Leverly named. I'm just saying, ISIS, they should be commended

in the fact that they have so much energy. But I don't think otherwise they're not good at all. So Marcus, yeah. Super Baseball 2020. Yeah.

Okay, good. So we got four more years. Four more years until baseball is watchable. So, Marcus, yeah. Super Baseball 2020. Yeah. Okay, good. So, we've got four more years. Four more years until baseball is watchable. Oh, my God. Dude, Trump's going to do this. Yeah. Or are you thinking about that or are you thinking about base wars? Oh, I think I'm thinking about base wars.

I just remember you could shoot someone if they were stealing and they'd blow up. That's all. That's fun. There's more than one movie? There's more than one movie about baseball playing robots? No, it's video games. Video games. That makes a lot more sense.

Ed is talking about video games right now. I'm just kind of letting it slide, but I guess now I have to say something. Nintendo. Whatever you want to say about it, Holden. I don't know anything past Sega Genesis. And I realize this with Ed. The reason why he hates video games so much is because his dad used to play. He wouldn't let him play the Nintendo.

I don't think that's why I hate it. I think that's exactly why you hate it. It's probably a very deep-seated psychological reason why you hate it. Are you guys trying to diagnose Right now I've just spent I've had three hours of therapy so far and what I've learned from listening and empathizing With my very large therapist woman is that I think Eddie is haunted by the memory of his father when it comes to video games Yeah, that was just happy to spend time with my dad Well you never know it for. I don't know.

He taught me what? Cunt sucker, man? Cunt sucker? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When he lost to Macho Man, he's a cunt sucker. And I was like, what's that? He's like, a guy who sucks on cunts.

Macho Man, by the way, Punch Out is the game Eddie's referring to. Macho Man was in Punch Out? It was a different kind of... Different Macho Man. But a similar Macho Man. He used to spin in circles.

He's a pretty boy. Big muscles. More of a Texas Tornado type. He's very tough. Was Soda Popinski tougher than him or easier than him? Yeah, Soda Popinski was Macho Man, Soda Popinski, Mr. Sandman, and then Mike Tyson. I'm going to disagree with you. Soda Popinski was in the beginning of the third round.

It was Don Flamingo, I thought. Don Flamingo was the beginning of the second round. Don Flamingo comes around twice. And he was incredibly easy. Oh, he comes around twice. Oh, his piston Honda. The second piston Honda, then Soda Popinski. He'll mess you up.

Yeah, that is true. Yeah, it is the second piston Honda and then Soda Popinski. During that time period, I was just playing Uncle Fester's Adventure, I believe. Yeah. And I played that for maybe seven months and did not get past the first board. Wow. You played that game? I was obsessed with it.

It's a terrible, it's noted as a very bad game. It's noted as one of the worst games of all time. Didn't know how to play it. It's not possible to play, I think. I don't think so. I could not get past it. That's a Vestor's Quest. Vestor's Quest.

Yeah. Vestor's Quest. And we've talked about this on the show. You once threw your Sega Genesis across the room. Sega Saturn. Sega Saturn across the room and smashed it against a wall because you couldn't get past a level in an X-Men video game. Children of the Atom.

It'll always haunt me. I never felt the amount of rage that I felt during that time except now when I drive. And now I feel it daily. Dude, I did some yelling in the subway tunnels this week. Doing what? Just getting mad at the subways. I did some legit in the subway tunnels this week. Doing what? Just getting mad at the subways. I did some legit crazy person.

Of course. Of course it's another queue. Of course. Why wouldn't it be another queue train? Of course it is. This is so scary. What did people do? Did they look at you like you were a total lunatic?

Dude, it's New York. People don't give it. That's the great thing that you have to learn. You can really freak out. I don't think that that's true. No, people care. They just don't pay attention. And they're going to put you on YouTube, and you're going to have like 80 million views overnight.

Please. Oh, cool. Yeah, that would be the biggest. And the crazy white dude breaks down on the subway, and everyone's going to laugh at you. We don't have a single sketch that we've worked on that has 80,000 views. Yeah. I'd love to give them. Do get the public freak out.

That Reddit. Them kind of numbers. My favorite subreddit on Reddit is public freak outs. I can't recommend it enough. I definitely recommend. I think there's a whole other subreddit dedicated to people getting escorted from planes. 100% watchable. So much fun to watch somebody get escorted from a plane.

Hours of entertainment. And people getting asking for it, asking for it, asking for it, and then getting tased is my favorite video. Sovereign citizen videos. People being like, am I being detained? Am I being detained, sir? Sir, I'm a sovereign citizen. That means, you know, and they don't know.

They think that they have all the rights without having to follow. I am just fast forwarding to you on the Q train just getting destroyed by NYPD. Oh, man. And just be like, I do not detain. No, I am Wizard of the Bruiser. Just start naming my podcast Wizard of the Bruiser. Round table of gentlemen. That is true.

I feel like if you are losing your shit and the cameras come out, if you are a self-promoter, you should just start naming the things you do. Oh, that is on my lips. If I ever get arrested for a big crime and iPhones whip out, I'm doing Last Podcast on the left because that's how you get those numbers. That's how you get the big numbers. I think that's how you end the show. Nah, nah, nah. You'll be arrested.

People like an outlaw. Depends on what the crime is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People like a bad boy. See, Henry's like the bad boy of your group. His hat's backwards now. Yeah, I'm hip-hop. Henry's super hip-hop. Is that right? No, he is. I'm very hip-hop. You're friends with Schoolboy

Q, right? Hip-hop! That's all he does. He's been doing that for years. It's the only thing he knows about hip-hop. I've never heard a single rap man do that. Hi, my name is Rap Man. You're Rap Man?

Rap Man Zabrowski. Nike. Nike. It's uncomfortable to listen to. I'm just doing what comes natural. My name's Holden, and I'm here to say hi. I might be gay. I'm gay.

I'm gay. You seem to be really caught up on that today. Yes. One thing is a lie. That rhymed too, Ben. Good job. I'm gay, I'm gay. You seem to be really caught up on that today. Yes. One thing is a lie. That rhymed too, Ben. Good job. No problem. Good job.

You're a rapper too, Ben. Thank you, Holden. Bing, bing, bong, bing, bong, bing. That's just what the fat boys used to do. I love that noise. Fat boys are great. Disorderly's brother. Disorderly's is one of the funniest comedies of all time.

Five star movie. Fat boys are back. And you know, you'll never be back. Can I tell that story on the show when my dad arrested the fat boys? What? What an asshole. What a prick.

What had happened was the fat boys were in a car. I imagine it was some sort of van. A car was driving in front of them. Cut them off fat boys came around in their car they zoomed around him

deeply cut him off ran him off the side of the road came out of the car and started trashing his car with baseball bats and kicking him

in the thing and my dad had literally to show up and be like fat boys you're arrested alright everybody but the way cops

worked especially in the early 90s is that they went like, oh, and then they took a picture with a bunch of the cops and then they let them go. The fat boys really weren't that fat. What are you talking about? I'm going to show you a picture of the fat boys. Marcus, they lost weight. No, go to disorderly fat boys. The middle one is pretty fat.

They're also very tall. They're pretty fat, but they're not fat. They're fat boys. I want to see numbers. The pizza one is my favorite, by the way. If you have to choose, be like, oh, thin boys or fat boys. Oh, no, those are fat boys. And they surround themselves with food.

Yeah. I mean, by today's standards, they're pretty average. What's their weight tonight? Look up the numbers. That's what we need. We need cold, hard numbers. I'm going to say fat boys one through three. I'm thinking the highest fat boy weight-wise is 363 pounds.

I'm going to go under 345. At least four. And the height, I'm going to say 6'2", tallest. 5'9". I don't think they're that tall. 2'99". Well, you're going under. They're kind of doing it.

Price is Right. Yep. Okay, well, you know, the human beatbox did die of a heart attack at the age of 28 when he hit 450 pounds. 450? Yeah. Technically, I win. He was...

Yeah. I guess you got highest without going over. That's correct. By Price is Right rules, you do win. I always go one lower. I usually lose. Okay, yeah. The Robinson Mark, which is Prince Marky D, Morales and Damon,

cool Roxy Wembley, total weight tipping 800 pounds when they broke out of Brooklyn in 1984 by winning a rap contest. Wow. Are they alive? No, the one just died. One is dead. One is dead. One is dead. I mean, there was one of them apparently dropped 100.

Prince Marky D apparently dropped 175 pounds. Which one is he? That was five years ago. How big is he now? No one knows. He was down from 450. Fuck. So now he's like, you know, what is that, 275?

That's such a hard thing to lose 150 pounds and still be huge. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, the one that died was Darren Buff Love Robinson. Buff Love? Buff Love. That's a great nickname. Why did he change his name to Human Beatbox?

Well, I think he was known as both. Oh, okay. Do you think that after he died, they might have opened his throat and find out how he made all those noises? Let's see. I want to see his insides. Oh, my God. He's got four of them. My God.

He's got the noisiest throat I've ever seen. Let me press on his belly. I mean, do you think it helped him being that fat when it came to the rapping? No. No, it was very slow rap, if I remember correctly. It was very slow. We are the fat boys. And let me know where you get all that

beautiful toys at the fat boys and coffee with the pizza. They're not like Eminem style. They're taking their time. Eminem put on some weight but then he also lost it as well. Yeah, he lost it back. Eddie, where are you at weight wise? I'm at like 275. Rock and roll. You're looking great, man.

I think you look good. Have you lost weight? No, he hasn't. I pretty much stay the same. Every once in a while when my clothes get really tight, I just stop eating sugar for a little while. There you go. And then once they get loose, I start eating it again. There it is. So you're like a tree. Yeah.

I monitor myself. All right, now it's time for a segment from Old McNeely. Whoa, wow. We made it, guys. The end of the show. Another one in the can, huh? Another one done, beaten to death by the dog. Yes, I think this one does belong in the trash.

What are you talking about? I didn't do bad. Yeah, Henry was on. He never said- I was innocent. So many of the bad things he says. I don't even want to say the things that he doesn't deserve. Doesn't matter.

Go on. Okay, guys, I got to experience VR for the first time today. I went there. I was in the world. It was amazing. And I think for today's segment, what would be really fun and really cool of us to do is everybody, we're going to make a roundtable VR game or experience, rather. Now, what is your VR experience?

Mine, Pet Sematary. Not the movie, just a normal graveyard for dead animals. You can do that without a VR thing. Yeah, you can do anything without a VR thing. I mean, you can't do anything. Why would you do something that actually exists in real life? Yeah, you just go hang out and walk around and look at the stones. But the movie's so cool. Why would you call it

Pet Cemetery and not have the little kid or anything? I'll do Dead Animal Graveyard and then people won't- Just stay away from the copyright. Yeah. I think it's very wise. Yeah, that's pretty good.

Dead Animal Graveyard. You know, there was a really great Errol Morris documentary about pet cemeteries- Yes, I've been dying to see that movie. Called Heaven's Gate. Heaven's Gate. I've been dying to see that documentary. Oh, amazing. Yeah.

I can't find it anywhere. There's a great scene of one of the guys who works at a pet cemetery wailing away on his guitar at the hill above the pet cemetery as the sun rises. That's awesome. It's fucking rad. I need to see that movie. So yeah, Dead Animal Graveyard. Alright. Okay, so this is gonna be

mine. You know what? Just go ahead and edit. No, I'm not gonna do anything bad. I've been good. I've been listening and empathizing. Walking down the street, you go into a, you go into a, what seems to be nondescript storefront. You see three women of your choosing, right? You can put a picture in there if you want. Listen to me.

Or a man. It screams. I'm just saying, someone you find very much so sexually attractive, you can choose one. You go to another office. It's just an Amsterdam brothel. Listen, you bring in the office. You bring in your real taxes in PDF form that can be used through the VR set. That Autobot does your taxes nude.

Nude taxes. You know, that's actually not a terrible idea. See? But that's the thing. I can go see nude girls everywhere. Yeah, but you don't have a nude accountant. That is true, but do you sit there while your accountant does all your taxes? Yeah, and you beat off at it.

I wouldn't know, but then I could just beat off at someone doing it. Because you know who I was inspired by? You know who I was working at the gym the other day? Asia Carrera. Really? She was at the gym? Yeah, sorry. How'd she look? You know who I was working next to in the gym the other day? Asia Carrera. Really? She was at the gym? Yeah, sorry. Are you sure it was her?

I mean, I'm pretty certain. Oh, no. I don't know her. I'm pretty certain. Oh, boy. I know. I think I would recognize her. I'd like a penis memory.

You know, they say most men, they've done studies that most men, when they watch pornography, they look at the woman's face. I do. Yes, it's a very important part of pornography. When the camera's pointed at it. I mean, I've talked about this before.

I hate just balls slapping against some lips. Just genitals. I don't like super close up. Yeah, it's like, what is good about that? I don't like it looking like a broomstick just in a pile of bologna sheaths. Yeah, definitely not. I say, get the girls out of there.

Just get them out. Who wants them in there at all? Space. You can go to space. I like space. I'll hang out with John Glenn in space.

Cool. He's got to be so boring, though. No, John Glenn. He went down. Are you an idiot? He's also dead. Rest in peace.

He just died. He just passed away. I'm sorry. He was apparently 95 years young. No. Rest in peace. He just passed away. I'm sorry. He was apparently a huge... Now he's even more boring. 95 years young. No.

Hey, hey. It's VR. He can be alive. I'll have him when he's 94. I'll hang out with him when he's 90. Can it just be like a general astronaut VR where I'm just top astronaut? Yeah, man, just chilling, bouncing around. Can the fat boys be there?

Fat boys can definitely be there, and they weigh nothing in space, so they won't be dead. Can Bane be there? Bane can be there, but he's got to behave himself. First we're going to go to the moon. Oh, no, not that Bane. We want the real Bane. The George. Bane and the Fat Boys have trouble breathing in space.

And you could just John Glenn so disappointed because they're just wasting all their air. Yeah, I would much rather talk to John Glenn than the Fat Boys or Bane. I mean, I don't know what party you're talking about. Fat Boys and Bane. I don't know. I'd rather talk to John Glenn than the fat boys. Nah, I'd rather hang out with the fat boys. I definitely would rather hang out with the fat boys. Fat boys in space.

That's a whole other kind of fat boys. A bunch of really fat guys floating around in space together. With John Glenn, he'll tell us how to do everything. It'll be fun. We've got to go to Earth in time to raise enough money to save the rap studio. And why wouldn't they want to save the rap studio? So I think that would be kind of fun, yes.

And to go on with that, we do save a lot of money. We make a lot of money. And we make a little whole rap studio on the moon. And all the artists that want to be somebody have to come and record with us. And it'll be great stuff. Good brews? Yeah. Okay.

If you bring it. Connect space? Well, you've got to bring it. Anything has got to be it. Connect space? Well, you gotta bring it. Anything, it's gotta be brought. You can just drink while you got the VR headset on. Could we also have a VR Wernher von Braun? Sure. Great.

You want a Nazi rolling around? I mean, he was not really a Nazi. Yeah, he was. Not really. All he did was change his... Wernher von Braun was the guy that... What'd he do? I thought he was a character from Mike Tyson's Punch Out. No, he was in charge of

NASA. Basically, he took us to the moon, but he was a Nazi rocket scientist in an Operation Paperclip when we brought all the Nazi scientists over and whitewashed their bios in order to get them to work for the U.S. government. What we did for his bio was it was an ardent Nazi said next to his name, and you know what they put?

Not an ardent Nazi. Not one of them. So then what they put? Not an Arden Nazi. Not one of them. So then, yeah, obviously he's not a Nazi. He had to go through a lot to become a citizen. All right. Yeah, and it killed six million Jews. He didn't kill.

All right. He mostly killed British people. He mostly killed British women and children through the V2 rocket. Yes, he did use Jewish slaves in the V2 factory. This from a known Garfield supporter. This from a known Garfield supporter. I will say that I would rather hang out with the fat boys than Werner Von Perl. Yeah, easily.

Great. By the way, I watched the, someone put the opening credits to Heathcliff up. He had two girlfriends in the opening credits. Polygamist. He's awesome, man. But how does that work in with your whole theory that somehow Keith Clip is one of the downtrodden masses? He is one of the downtrodden masses. You got those girls with charm alone.

Something Garfield could never obtain. Garfield, oh, you want a nice house. I got an owner. It seems like he was even spending more time with his girlfriend than he was with his main piece. I think actually, I think, I've come to understand that I think that Garfield was homosexual, and I think that he was brave for it. And he was a bachelor, and he could not be open about his sexuality because no one wanted to hear about a gay cat because of the sounds they make when they have sex.

Eat the Cat loved Annabelle. He loved her. He didn't care when she gave birth. We're not talking about Eat the Cat. Just do the thing, Eddie. Arnold Schwarzenegger's young life. It's his best memories. Pretty good.

Here it is. The whole time you just get to play with Brazilian women's butts. Yeah, pretty much. That is pretty good. You can go hang out on the set of Predator and Commando. All of it. Conan. All of those best memories.

Coming up in Austria, just being the biggest, toughest dude. Yeah, you get to walk around New York City in 1977 dressed as Hercules. Hercules takes New York. Oh, yeah. He barely didn't know any English. Yeah, he had to learn English in the game. Smoking weed. Yeah.

Original name of that movie, Hercules Goes Bananas. You win. Obviously, hands down the winner. I go with that. The listeners are the big losers. But what an episode it's been. I think they're great people. No, I know.

That's why I feel bad for them. I can't believe you called them all losers. For listening to this. Not for being them. They're good people. I can't believe this, buddy. They're on my side already. Everyone agrees with me.

I don't know. They're on my side. It doesn't seem like it. Wow. Thank you, Adam. This is from the most stylish member of the roundtable of gentlemen. I'm still going to say Kevin. He's not here, though.

Ben's got it going on. Ben has it going on. All right. Are we done with the show? Yep, just about. You're fly, dude. I want to plug. Me and Holden were talking about this.

Plug some monkey movies for next year. I don't care. Me and Holden. Talking about this. Plug those monkey movies. Let's go see monkey movies next year. We've got Skull Me and Holden. Talking about this, plug those monkey, let's go see monkey movies next year. We got Skull Island

and the War Planet of the Apes. Yeah, I'll see both of those movies. It sounds great. Great movies. Yeah, I'm definitely down. Monkey movies, 2017. There you go. Plugging it.

Wished in the Bruiser, follow me on Twitch, Holdenatorsho. And you know, you only get one chance at the mic. You only get one shot. Pick it up

and rip your rap, man. Rip your fucking heart out. Rip your rap. Rip your rap because you only got one shot at the mic. You only get one shot. Pick it up and rip your rap, man. Rip your fucking heart out. Rip your rap. Rip your rap. You only got one shot at the mic, and that's why I have the moment to say right now I'm working on a new adaptation of Scissorhands. I'm going to sell it to New Line Cinema. It's going to be called Edward Spoonhands, and it's going to be fun.

I knew you were going to say spoons. That sounds fun. Yeah. Edward Spoonhands at Gossy. Yeah. He works at a soup kitchen. Yeah. Very useful. Feeding the homeless. Touching people's breasts with a spoon. Yeah. He works at a soup kitchen. Yeah. Very useful.

Feeding the homeless. Touching people's breasts with a spoon. Okay. What? No, it doesn't matter. Goodbye. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.