The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 31: Fight Fight Fight

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

It’s Fight Night here at The Round Table! Tune in to hear about the almost-fight we got into on Saturday, tales of men getting thrown through windows, and an amazing story about a guy Ed knows who��s killed at least 20 people. We’ve also got a special Valentine’s Day segment from Holden! Ben speed dates the entire Table. It gets sexy.

I think we gotta start with... Valentine's gay? What? We gotta do our prayer. Oh yeah, good one. Valentine's gay is pretty funny. I think we have to pray to the Lord. Alright.

Well look, you know, I feel like we're leaving our Buddhist listeners and our self-help listeners out on the briar patch with these prayers. So I want everyone, the listeners, everyone at the table, close your eyes and lead us through a guided meditation. You're in a cloud. You're swimming around in a cloud. There's little babies in there. They're little penises.

They're little penises. They're balls. They have little nuggets for balls. You just pick a little of the nugget and you smoke it. How does that feel? Does that feel good? Did you get fucking high? Alright, now you're in a serial killer's house.

Run! Run! Run to the left! Oh my god! Jump through the trash compactor! He's got an axe! No! No! No! He's wiping! I need meat! That's him! He's trying to get you! Alright, now you're on the yellow brick road,

and you're walking towards the wizard, tripping balls, and you get to the wizard. He's got a green face. Now it's purple. What's he say? What does he say to you? Is it good? Is it bad?

Breathe that for a second. Take a shit on that. All right? Now breathe. Find a shit on that. Alright, now breathe. Find your fucking spirit animal. Is that animal gay? Is that animal sucking dicks? Is it a baby?

Alright, now we've finally come out of the spirit cave. And now you're in the circle of the round table of gentlemen. Return to where you are. Accept your place. And welcome to the Round Table. Oh. That was very nice. Very sweet. Thank you. Very nice indeed.

Real misguided meditation. Absolutely. All right. Well, welcome to the Round Table of Gentlemen. Who is everybody around here? I'm Jack Sparrow. That is so terrible. Ed Larson.

Hold him, Neely. Meow. No. Nope. Switching up all thearson. Hold him in nearly meow. Switching up all the cats. I'm Kevin Barnett. Absolutely. Ben Kissel. In the Chuckle Hub, we've got Steve Kosheka. Hey, how's it going? Steve from Skulk the Hulkian, of course, and a very fantastic moustache.

Speaking of fantastic moustaches, we've got Louis Katz in here as well. Hairier than the first girl I had sex with, which is very fantastic. And of course, Madeline Osten, thank you for being here. And intern Mel. Welcome. Mel is no last name, by the way.

No. You mean Mel, no. Things are sounding good tonight. With us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Parks, you got a news story for us? Oh, I always got a news story for you. What's in the news? What's in the news?

Stabbing. Oh, man. Stabbing's all over the news. Stabbing is all over the news. A 23-year-old Brooklyn man was in police custody today, suspected in a stabbing spree that took the lives of his stepfather, his ex-girlfriend, and her mother, and led to a night-long manhunt across New York

City. Well, fantastic. It was, this is a hell of a story. This guy stabbed so many people in the span of one night. And stole a car and hit somebody, right? Yeah, he ran someone over, too, and killed that person. He stole three cars. Oh my god.

How did it take that long to catch him? He was fast. Yeah, he moved. He was just stabbing. He couldn't stop him from stabbing. He stabbed some fat dude 12 times and he lived. Whoa! Every time before he stabbed somebody, everyone who lived said,

I'm going gonna kill you now And then he just started stabbing you But this guy's Russian So it's I'm going to kill you now That is tragic It did take a while to catch the fella I wonder if our profiling laws have gone a little too far Maybe the cops saw somebody with a bloody knife on the subway

But they're like well we can't assume Better let him hit off. Keep the manhunt going. You realize how many dudes holding bloody knives we see a day? Like 25 to 30. He just happens to be Russian. In one of the stolen cars, they found like six bloody knives in there. God knows how many people are still dead in the street.

What a productive stabbing rampage. Really, I mean, he killed all the people he wanted to kill, it sounds like. And also, then some. His cardiovascular was off the chain. Apparently he was just running through the subway tunnels in the Long Island Railroad all night long and the cops couldn't find him. That's right. How did they not find him? How? He was literally leaving a trail

of stabbings wherever he went. He was walking on the third rail too. I'll do all kinds of crazy shit. That's when they found him. Walking on the third rail then he hopped on the train and he yelled at some guys, I'm going to kill you now. Then he slit the back of his neck right in front of everybody.

Then he knocked on the head door of the train because he was going to try to commandeer the train. Oh my god! But there were two cops in the door looking for him and they got him. They rested on the ground in front of everyone. Apparently when the big fight broke out between the cops and the guy,

all the lights went out on the subway car. Oh my god! This is the coolest end of money train. We have to get the rights to this story. We have to do this immediately. Whenever he was going on his rampage in the subway, he kept yelling,

My girlfriend ruined my life. This girl that he stabbed, the girl that he was all pissed off over, they dated for one month last year. And he was just obsessed over this woman. Man, thank God Holden isn't strong enough to actually stab someone in the death. Oh my God.

How many times? But it's all those bitches' faults. That's my thing. This is very close to being a real-life Valentine's Day-type massacre, though. Oh, shit. Listen to how he killed the girlfriend. He went to the girlfriend's house first. Her mother was in the house, so the guy walked in, stabbed the mother, and then went outside.

The girlfriend comes home, finds the mother dead, calls 911, goes outside because she thinks it's going to be safer. The guy runs out from an alleyway right beside her house and stabs the shit out of her and kills her right in her front yard. Oh, man. Every time this guy stabbed anyone, it was always at least ten stabs. That's fucking wild. Lots and lots of stabbing. He's covered in blood, too. Absolutely.

Wore the same clothes the whole time. The whole time? Yeah, no, crazy shit. Louie, that's why you can't be getting bitched up, man. I feel like if I would have just built Dude Island a little bit faster, I wouldn't be in this situation right now. Louie, what would you do if you saw this man approaching the subway with a large knife? Maybe you're about to go to a gig and make some people laugh.

You have comedy on the mind. Next thing you know, you're fighting for your life. What are you going to you have comedy on the mind next thing you know you're fighting for your life what are you what are you gonna do to this guy i don't think i would be fighting for my life i think i would be stabbed and dead i don't think there'd be a lot of fighting for my life and i think i'd just die and if i saw him coming i could still leave i would just leave i would not tell jokes that night and i would go home if all my friends, you definitely look like the dude who stabbed the easiest. Very stabbable.

I'm very stabbable. I mean, you wonder what would go through his brain to who he stabbed and why he would stab them. It's kind of like a casting director. Why do they choose who they choose? It's really the luckiest, unluckiest people on earth. That man didn't pick up

one gun, though. He fucking got up close, man. Didn't even fight it. Just stab, stab, stab. He's Russian. That's how they do it. That's awesome. I mean, not awesome. They barely have knives in Russia. It's usually just shards of metal. I just kind of wish he had said something other than I will stab you now, like something more random.

Just like, cat, cat pussies. You know, just like, why? What does that mean? Four Leaf Clover, pussy tunnel. Always pussy, though. Always has to say pussy. So the cops took this guy alive? Yeah.

Oh, absolutely, yeah. They took his knife from him without getting stabbed on the subway in front of everybody after he stabbed some dude on the subway. Eddie, give me a description of this guy's mugshot. Oh, this guy, he's classic, you know, normal. He's like normal-looking psychopath. He looks like the guy who dated, like, some girl I used to go out with in high school

that had a split personality. Then he was like, you know I'm crazy, right? And I was like, good, man. Well, have a good time with her. In the same vein, though, he's really not that bad looking. I understand why the girl... No, but you can see the emptiness in his eyes. He has shark's eyes. He just stabbed 20

people. No, he's dead now. He's dead on the inside. Yeah, neighbors described him as a monster even before this happened. Oh, yeah. Everyone knew him as the psychopath that lived in Sheepshead Bay. Yeah. Gotcha. And you're the psychopath that lives in Sheepshead Bay. And you're the psychopath in Sheepshead Bay?

That puts you pretty high in the world. Absolutely. His name was Maxime Gelman. Crazy Gelman. Maxime is a good name, though. Strong. I can't wait to see the headlines tomorrow.

What do you think it's going to be on the post? Oh, yeah, yeah. Stab train? Something like that? Yeah, yeah, I like that. Oh, man, did you see... Did you see That's a Wrap? The Egyptian guy, they wrapped him up like a mummy

and it said, that's a wrap. On the top of his head, on a mummy. New York Post, man. Reign supreme. They're the best. What a job that would be. I would fucking kill for that job.

That headline job would be the fucking best. The guy who wrote that was just waiting for it to be like, oh, I got this idea. Just wait. He had the graphic, man.

A week and a half ago. Still, man, I know I've said it on the podcast before. The best New York Post headline is when Ike Turner died. He said, Ike Turner can't beat death. That's the best thing I've ever seen. Kevin, you had something you did this week that was very pedophiliac. What? You saw the new Justin Bieber film, Never Say Never. Let me explain myself for a second, man.

You're going to have to. I was in Warwick, Rhode Island, all right? I was doing some shows out there. There was a comedy zone out there that was in a theater. They just had a movie theater in the middle of all the regular theaters. It just became a comedy club, which was kind of cool.

We got free movie passes, and I'm not paying attention to shit. I don't know what's out. So I asked this one kid, I'm like, hey, what's good out right now? He says,

oh, new Sandler movie's out. It's good. I go and see it. Terrible. The next night... That was Just Go With It. Yeah, yeah, Just Go With It.

It was an awful movie. The next night, I'm sitting there with this comic who was hosting, this funny dude, Brian Bowden, and we're sitting there, we're drunk, and we're like, damn, man, what go with it. It was an awful movie. The next night, I'm sitting there with this comic who was hosting, this funny dude, Brian Bowden, and we're sitting there, we're drunk, and we're like, damn, man, what are we going to do? And just the Bieber movie just started playing.

The whole place was packed with middle school girls the entire time. It's like, all right, we're going to go in there, hate on these niggas real quick, see what this is about. And we go in, and it was like, I mean, the movie started at 1230, and it was like, this was 1230, and middle school girls don't go to movies at 1230. Yeah, middle school girls don't see movies at 1230. So they roll up in that bitch, and it's just... That is, you could just go in there and arrest people. 1230, the Justin Bieber movie?

Yeah, exactly. Any dude by himself? It's two dudes, and then Brian is like huge, and he's like heavily heavily bearded And we both walk in just drunk There's nothing but two middle school girls In the entire theater Just us and two other middle school girls We walk in drunk And then the club had given us some chocolate covered strawberries

They're like hey take these guys The women can't No no fuck those women So it's me and this dude Sitting next to each other As you are for the women can't do. No, no, fuck those hoes, man. So it's me and this dude sitting next to each other. He's trying to cover strawberries. Watching Justin Bieber in 3D. We're like, all right, we'll probably watch like 15 minutes of this.

Walk the fuck out. We fucking fell in love, man. The movie was so good, man. It was fucking amazing. I have a whole new appreciation for Justin Bieber right now. Did you know this motherfucker was serious at drums? And he plays the piano and the guitar. The movie was so good, man. It was fucking amazing. I have a whole new appreciation for Justin Bieber right now. Did you know his motherfucker was serious at drums? And he plays the piano and the guitar. It showed the whole story of his life and him coming up.

I fell in love. Look, we said it already. The Bieber challenge. I dare you. Me and Brian Bowden dare you. You and your boys. Y'all are real niggas. You think. You ain't real niggas until you've seen Justin Bieber in 3D.

Never say never. Never say never. Never say never. We said never before and we learned our lesson. I'll tell you what, Kevin. You do for black people what Jackie does for women. You don't understand, man. I came out of that movie

a completely different dude than I thought I was. Alright? It was beautiful. I swear, I thought somebody hijacked your Facebook when you put that post on your wall.

I literally thought someone took your Facebook. No, no, that was, you know what took, you know what took my Facebook, man? Justin Bieber took my Facebook. He took hold of my life

and he showed me what it should have been, man. Oh my God. Wait, the whole movie is about his life? It's about, yeah, it's about him. About his life. Yeah, about him starting up.

And it's in 3D? Yeah, it's in 3D. Just like the occasional, like, he'll reach out towards the audience and do, like, one of those things where he brings his finger in, and then it's like, it just makes it that much more magical. What was the reaction? What was the reaction of the two preteen girls? Oh, they fucking loved it, you know?

But that was the thing. If you go see the movie, don't go when it's packed full of middle school girls. You got to go late night like we did. So you don't got them distracting you with their stupid ass screams and shit. You just got to sit there and appreciate what's happening in front of you. He's a very talented musician. No, but his songs are still bad, right? Even in the theater?

Look, I was caught up in the moment, man. I don't know if regularly I would have liked it. Actually, you know, I think I like some, I was caught up in the moment, man. I don't know if regularly I would have liked it. Actually, you know, I think I like some of it. I could dig that shit, man. It seems like a very one-sided documentary. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm just saying, I'm gonna go fucking, I'm gonna buy the dude's album.

I'm not gonna download it. I'm gonna buy it. I'm gonna support this dude. I believe in him now. I believe in what he's doing. Bieber fever is really spreading. I know he was dating that Gomez gal from the Disney channel. Is she old enough that I can say she's hot or not? Yeah, she's 18. Oh, you can say, yeah.

I want to fuck the blood out of her. You can say anything. 17. No, he's 16. He's 16? Yeah, yeah. After he started dating her, her Twitter account was just, like, full of death threats from all these 12-year-old girls.

Oh, yeah. They were brutal. They were crazy in that movie man they were just fucking wow man do you remember being a 12 year old and having to deal with 12 year old girls I fucking do they are the worst man I love you I never got to you would like tell them like you know you know that guy's gay and they'd be like no he's not and you just say that to them and they make them real mad yeah there was one girl like in the movie like she was like she was fucking creepy I didn't think it was creepy it was possible to be creepy that early on she was like 10 years old she was fucking creepy. I didn't think it was creepy. It was possible to be creepy that early on. She was

10 years old. She was staring at the camera like, yeah, me and Justin Bieber, he's going to marry me. We're going to have a wife. She was saying it. It was the creepiest shit in the world. But I understand her passion now. Man, I felt that way about Barry Manilow when I was younger. Well, you were a very classy young lady.

He was the one for me. Yeah, there was a huge feud between NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys growing up, too. I nearly came to fisticuffs a few times with the ladies in my 7th grade, 8th grade class. Lance Bass. I was always a Lance Bass-er. I told Carly, a gal named Carly,

we called her Craterface Carly because... Because that makes sense. No, she doesn't have... I think the Mars Rover couldn't have. No, I mean, this woman. I mean, I think the Mars rover could couldn't have driven over this woman's face. It was so full of bumps and holes in the ground. It looked like Second Avenue.

And she nearly started crying when I told her that Lance Bass would never fuck her, which was great. And then I Facebooked her two years ago when he came out. And I said said I told you I love that dedication man that's so good and for in Carly's defense

her acne is really cleared up it looks much better now yeah but did she say anything back I feel like if someone did that to me

I would be absolutely terrified that you remembered that I haven't spoken I feel bad about all those things I did when I was younger, but you're just following up on them and still making fun of them to this day. I only...

I did feel bad, but then I realized I was right. So you can't feel bad about telling the truth. Well, it's also, I mean, you know, we talked about this before with the trophy up your asshole. I mean, you had some tragedies, I think. Carly, okay, and also keep in mind she was the most popular girl in college. She was super bitch. She was the most popular girl

with a face like that? Very bizarre. I bet she wore a lot of makeup. All of my guy friends. He's from Wisconsin, so. Exactly. So pretty much if you wear sweatpants

only twice a week, you become the most popular girl in school. You want to call it slim pickings, but you can't. Yeah, exactly. It's a whole fat pickings. Yeah, fat pickings.

Was she very charismatic? Or what the fuck was it? Yeah, she was charismatic. But what makes an attractive woman in Wisconsin at that age is just a vagina. They all have them. Exactly. So why is she more popular than the other hundreds of vaginas? I'm not sure.

I think she may be a little bit more money or something like that. Parents on the restaurant. Yeah, exactly. I do feel it did look like the friends that she hung out with might have been enticed with free steaks. You have to realize he grew up in Wisconsin. I don't know what that's like. It's just different. You're the size of a woman's thigh in Wisconsin.

Your entire body. Steve, you're a musician. What do you think about Bieber's overall tunes? I don't know. I've never listened to Bieber, so I don't know. But after hearing Kevin talk about it, I listen to some pretty gay-ass shit, man.

I love Meatloaf. I love Gaga. I love Timberlake. You can't compare Meatloaf to any of these people. But I'm just saying, if you looked at me, you wouldn't expect me to like that shit, but I do. You look like a meatloaf fan. Yeah. You look like that.

Absolutely. Exactly. You look like meatloaf. You look at you like sea shanties or something. I don't know. I'm willing to give it a shot. Maybe he's good. If the guy can play.

Yeah. That's the thing. That's what got me, man. If he can play. I like that. Early on in the movie, they showed him. And he was like eight, nine years old. And he was like playing jazz.

And he was good. Then they showed him when he was 12, playing with some band that was like known in like Canada, where he was from. And he was just destroying on a job. Like, what the fuck? That's what makes it sadder. Because you should write better songs than if you're such a good musician. That's the thing.

Same thing with Kid Rock. Kid Rock, he does this whole thing where he's playing all the different instruments. But why don't you write a good song? This shit sucks. Instead of sampling Sweet Home Alabama mixed with werewolves in London, I'll fuck you. That's the most aggravating thing

I've ever heard in my whole life. Ba with the Ba was kind of my Hey Jude. I like that. It would get me so amped for a wrestling match. And the lyrics are nothing. That was the thing, man. It was awesome. That song would come on, I would just want to skateboard.

I didn't even skateboard at all. You just want to do shit you would never do. My first concert was Kid Rock. It was fucking amazing. I saw Kid Rock concert, it was amazing. It was so good. It was also amazing. I'll be a fucking warrior for you. rock concert. It was amazing. It was so good. It was also amazing. You know what?

He was touring with Metallica, though. Give me something. If that's the case, then I saw him twice. The Summer Sanitarium tour. Yeah, the Summer Sanitarium tour. Summer Sanitarium? What a weird name for a tour. Well, Sanitarium's a big song

and they didn't play it for a lot of years because James Hetfield got lit on fire. Oh, yeah, that was that song. And they're like, we're going to start playing it again. And name our tour after it. No one's going to get hurt. And you know what happened? James Hetfield got hurt. Absolutely.

How did he get hurt on this tour? He was riding his motorcycle, and a helicopter fell on him. I think he fell off the stage or something stupid. But it was cool. The show that I saw in Dallas, all the other summer sanitarium people came out and took turns singing the Metallica songs. It was all right.

Yeah, they did the same thing in Tampa as well. It was a fun time. It was so much fun. I loved it. I think Kid Rock lives the perfect rock and roll lifestyle, though. He's always with those

porn stars. He drinks heavily. He seems like a legitimately nice guy. No, he's a real cool dude, actually. One thing I heard about him I don't like is he

was eating Pam Anderson for a while, right? Yeah, yeah. She loves Radiohead and he hates that she likes Radiohead. I can see how Radiohead would make you insecure

if you were Kid Rock. Pam Anderson likes Radiohead? She loves Radiohead. She loves Radiohead, and he hates that she likes Radiohead. I can see how Radiohead would make you insecure if you were Kid Rock. Pam Anderson likes Radiohead? She loves Radiohead. She loves Radiohead. She likes Borat. She's got a lot of good taste. You know a lot about him. Surely read Playboy for the articles.

I didn't know that a human being actually did that. I can see love in your eyes. I'm just saying. She's actually the opposite of my type. I'm just saying. What's your type? Small-titted Jewish woman? First of all, that doesn't exist.

Second of all, no. Louis Katz's types are, I mean, they look like Kodiak bears, the women he's attracted to. They have to be at least, what do you think, six feet tall to six foot four, maybe six foot five. Louie likes it when a girl uses him as a thong. He looks at Crumb comics and is like, why the anorexic bitches? Wait, can you put a fat woman in here, Crumb? Sure, their breasts are bigger fat woman in here, Crumb? Sure, their breasts are bigger

than your entire ass, but... Please. Steve, you like a larger lady as well, I've heard. I mean, I like all different kinds,

you know? Like, I appreciate, I appreciate the woman if she understands who she is and does it, and does it well, you know?

Like, that's such boring-ass bullshit. I don't understand what that meant. In layman terms, what he meant was fine-ass fat girl, fine-ass huge bitch, fine-ass skinny bitch. Anything with a fucking pussy. Yeah. No, but if they're doing their size well, I appreciate it. Completely. I totally agree.

That's a rule I put down a few years ago I try to follow, is that I should at least find her attractive. Yes. It's always so funny going to the bar, and it's like 10 p.m., you look at the chick, and you're like, no way. And then you're like, all right, 11 p.m., you're doing terribly. 12 p.m., you start to look at her again, you're like, all right, 11 p.m., you're doing terribly. 12 p.m., you start to look at her again. You're like, all right, maybe.

And then you just have to, the bar really makes about 50 extra dollars that night. You need at least eight shots and the next thing you know, you're having sex with the beautiful man. Everything worked out

just the way you planned. That's all of what online dating is, though, to tell you the truth. I mean, every date you go on, it's just like, well, I just need to get drunk enough to find them attractive. Yeah, absolutely. I don't know if

everyone looks at it like that. It is nearly Valentine's Day here, and we've had some interesting news stories. My favorite news story of the week involves a vigilante who inflicted a Punisher-style vigilante justice of his own. What was that story, Marcus? A Bronx vigilante ordered a man on the street to stop beating his girlfriend,

and when the guy wouldn't do it, he shot him in the fucking face. Yeah! And I swear, I've never once hoped that cops don't find a killer before in my life, except for in this situation. Yeah, and the cops have no idea where the guy went. And honestly, I don't think they're looking that far. Yeah, they don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck about him.

I just love the idea that he's just like, hey, stop beating her. And he's just like, nah, nah. I'm just going to keep on beating this girl. He was like, mind your own business. He said all that typical bullshit. Oh, okay, all that kind of stuff. He wasn't like, eh, nah, I don't think I'm going to. That shows the difference between this guy and us. Because last night, we saw a guy hit his girlfriend, and we just broke his phone. Yeah, we that kind of stuff. He wasn't like, eh, nah, I don't think I would have. That shows the difference between this guy and us,

because last night we saw a guy hit his girlfriend, and we just broke his phone. Yeah, we just broke his phone. It just scared him. Yeah, it smacked it out of his hands. Yeah, it was great. It shattered all of his dreams. Well, he hit his girlfriend in front of everybody. All right, let's go back.

Murder Fist has a show at the pit. 11 p.m. late and dirty. You guys do the show. Apparently this dude, they're foreigners, and he shakes the girl. Where do you think it was from? I didn't see any of this. There were like six to seven witnesses.

What? There was a whole bunch of witnesses, yeah. Most of them were murderers. It wasn't just people on the street that we saw either. And so they all came over to me and Marcus like, that guy just hit that girl. I was like, what? I was like, no, you're an idiot.

You know, I immediately discredited them. That never happens. I doubt it. It was Walter that came up and told us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then I saw the girl crying and shit. And then I saw, they're like, it's that guy on the phone down the street. And so, like, we went over to him and I was like, hey, man, what happened?

And he's, like, holding his phone. And he's, like, texting and shit while I'm asking him. So I just took the phone and I hit him on the head. I wonder why he was just texting. Like, I just beat the fuck out of that chick, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, it's okay. Her father's coming downstairs.

And I was like, oh, all right, good. So I just, I grabbed him by the throat and I told him he couldn't go anywhere. I'm like, you gotta wait here. We'll be right back. And so I went to go find the girl to get the story, because I didn't want him... Did you drag him with you by the throat? No, I made everyone... I put like three people in charge of watching him. I'm like, he doesn't fucking

go anywhere. If there is a zombie apocalypse, you're just the nominated the sheriff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I learned everything from Deadwood. You know? You made this bizarre shanty prison for him. I'm not beating this man in the street

until I have proof. And somehow everyone just goes along with it like Eddie needs his proof. He's like, why? I don't know he wants that. I'm just going to get him proof. The rest of it is that I was one of the guards. I was sitting there guarding him

and there were three of us at first, and then the other two people got bored and walked away. Holden's in the kitchen cooking up terrible omelets. It's just me here, and so I'm still sort of waiting, just watching the guy. This guy was a real weenie, too. He was a real weenie, and he was just fucking afraid the whole time. He was so scared, and then out of nowhere, he just fucking runs to the door. Because we're in the middle of the street.

He just runs to the door, runs past me. I try grabbing him, but he runs past. You fucking blew your post? I blew my post. No, I came back outside. He was inside the locked door. I was like, what the fuck? You had one job, man.

Keep me out of the building. I was supposed to have door. I was like, what the fuck? You had one job, man. Keep me out of the building. I was supposed to have backup. Look at me. No, they were supposed to be three people. Yeah, they were supposed to be three people. The other two abandoned their post. To go hit on girls and see what we did with that guy. Yeah.

Exactly. That's the irony. It's like you guys rocked this out of the goodness of your heart. You did this to get some sort of weird-ass pussy that would be attracted to you beating shit up someday. I's the irony. It's like you guys rocked this out of the goodness of your heart. You did this to get some sort of weird-ass pussy that would be attracted to you beating up No, no, I'm not saying

I was fucking, you know, I wanted to get the guy. No, not Marcus and Eddie. I feel like Marcus and Eddie would, like, do anything in this kind of situation. Everyone else in Burnabas? Now you hold it.

I love you. No, I mean, I just did it for the pussy. Yeah. No, but anyway, so I come back outside and the guy is inside the building. You can see through the window, and you see him there, and he's talking to the girl's father.

And everyone's just screaming at the door and whatever, and the guy has no idea what's going on because they're French, and they're just completely clueless to what's happening. He thinks a mob of dudes wants to beat up his daughter's boyfriend. He has no idea where his daughter is. And so I'm like, hey, man. I was like, that dude hit your daughter. We saw it. She's in the bar crying.

I was like, send him out here. You know? Oh, my God. Yeah, and then he came out, and he's like, what? And I was like, your daughter's in there crying. And I'm like, go get her. And then apparently he just goes in there and tells her, like, he goes up to her and he's like, what'd you do?

Yeah. He said, what'd you do? Yeah. What'd you do? And they were saying stuff like, this is what happens when you drink. And it's like, the fuck, man. This isn't what happens when you drink. Yeah, not at all. You shouldn't be getting fucking hit on the goddamn sidewalk. This is the horrible thing. This guy was such a fucking terrified pussy whenever we were out there.

As soon as he got in the building, he started talking so much shit. He was like, yeah, fuck you guys. Fuck you. He stopped talking shit after a little while. After a little while, yeah, but whenever he first got in there, that's all he was doing. By the time the mom came down, he was all like, oh, he put on a show for her. He was like, oh,

she just walked right by him. But at one point, he threw another cell phone at the window. No, it was a Game Boy. A Game Boy? Yeah, it was a Game Boy. Why was he... Why? I don't know.

He was losing his mind. Yeah. And I went over there, I'm like, don't you break nothing else! It was... I actually had a great time. I got mad this girl got hit,

but I like how it gets better. I called Marcus in the middle of it, and I was like, you guys don't give a fuck. This is literally breaking the monotony of every after party. I admitted it to Ben too. I was like, yeah man, I'm sorry she got hit, but god damn

this is so much fun. You guys weren't like that Bronx dude who just shot a dude in the face. I love too that John found a way to fuck it up because he thought the girl that got hit was Stephanie so he was like, that's not your fucking girlfriend, man. That's our friend. I'm like, really? I'm pretty sure that's his girlfriend

and I've never seen that girl before. What are you talking about? John, who's in Murder Fist, all he did was he got his face pinched up like an asshole and then just hit in the corner, just like,

I'm gonna fucking go, I wanna kill that guy. He was yelling, he was screaming a lot. He was screaming, yeah, he was yelling. But it was like,

at the same time, there was like six of us, and this guy is a quarter the size of me. You know, it's like, there's no reason to beat the shit out of this guy

in front of a comedy club we do monthly show at. Good Christ. Oh, man. Well, good job, Murder Fist. You guys saved the day. Did well. Did we, though?

I think this guy actually got off scot-free. Pretty sure he got off scot-free. I think this guy has a broken phone and he's a rich kid and it doesn't matter because his daddy's gonna buy him a new phone

and probably never even hear about this situation. He went home and beat that girl more. Exactly. Look at the trouble you got me in. that's why i'm glad i didn't stick around and i'm glad i also was completely sober as a cat because i would have just pushed them into beating the shit out of this guy just for you know why not you're right enjoy me just for fun yeah that's the thing i never fight man i just like you know i'm all my friends fighting more i was like

involved in that shit but i don't like actually fight. Unless there was one time, one time, one time I fought. It was like I was staying at my friend's house. I was just living on their couch for like a year. I had my own house, but I just lived on their couch because it was convenient. And one night we'd like, we'd come back from like this day glow party or something. And this dude like comes up to our window and he was at the, to our door, and he's like, knock on the door. Hey, man, you guys want to party?

We're like, no, man. It's cool. And he throws paint all over our door. And he's like. Was that the party that he had in mind? Exactly. That's the exact type of party he was talking about. He threw paint all over the door.

And then Barry comes up. Our friend Barry comes out. He's like, yo, you're going to clean up this paint? He's like, no, man. He's like, oh, for real? He's like, no, I'm not going to clean it. And then Barry punches him in the face. The thing was, this dude was like, Barry's like 5'7", and this dude's

my height and just like huge. And Barry does not give a fuck. Barry's like this Jewish dude that grew up in the hood of Miami. And it looks like he's Cuban as fuck, but he's just a Jewish dude. And he punches this dude in the face. And this dude was getting destroyed the entire time. He's like bleeding out of his mouth. And there's tears coming out of his eyes. I'm like, dude, just go home, man.

You're losing this fight. This is not going to stay with you at all. Just go home. I was like, fuck you, man. I'm like, just go home, man. It's not worth it at this point. And then finally, at one point, the dude goes back into his room. We're like, all right, it's done.

And we go back in their house. And I go back in their house. I'm chilling on my couch that I inhabit for no reason. And then the dude comes back, and he punches through our window. And window and at that point i was pissed because he's punching through the window of the free apartment and i'm staying at for no reason i was like what the fuck i ran up and like barry like as soon as he saw i saw that shit he ran up and he had like a coffee mug and he threw it like because the guy was like running down the stairs he threw it like perfect aim and it just shattered on top of this dude's head yeah so the dude was already bleeding out of his arm

And I ran up and as he was coming out of his head I grabbed him and threw him down And started beating the shit out of him And he was like a bouncer at this bar We used to go to all the time There is nothing better There is nothing better than seeing a window Get smashed by another person's body

I had one I was fighting my roommate Yusef at the time We were just like wrestling and tussling There is nothing better than seeing a window get smashed by another person's body. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had one. I was fighting my roommate Yusef at the time. We were just, like, wrestling and tussling. He tried to punch me. The quickest I've ever moved in my life. Completely missed me right through the window. It was fucking awesome.

It was like a six-inch long, you know, fucking bloodbath of an arm. It was beautiful. Wait, Steve, you ever fight? You ever get in a real fight? I mean, I know you haven't seen a tussle from time to time. Yeah, I mean, when I was a kid, I used to get in a lot of fights because I was like the big guy. Yeah, exactly right.

And so, like, everyone had to, like, tell the beast, you know? No, that shit happened to me, too. You know, like, I was the defining, you know, I was the definition of having beat up someone big. But I was a total little bitch, man. Like, I didn't want to fight. But, like, I am a big dude. And if you piss me off, there was one time I had my brother.

And, like, my mom said she heard, like, just like, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, and then silence. And she walked in, and I had my brother by his shirt hanging, like, up against the wall. And he just looked over at my mom and said, help! And she looked at him and she goes, you brought this on yourself? And she walked out. That's a good one.

There were times where I had to bring it and I did okay. I hate fighting. I don't like fighting. I'd rather talk to someone. Except for Kissel. I don't like fighting. I'd rather talk to someone. Except for Kissel. I'll fuck you up. You've never beaten me. I got a quick story for you guys.

Back in college one time, we're all drinking at my buddy's house in one of those college apartments. And we had this buddy who just got back from Iraq from the war. Real tough motherfucker. Killed lots of people. Killed a whole bunch of people.

He's like, oh, my number's 20, but Lord knows what it really is. It's like, damn. God damn. What was his nickname? I don't know.

I don't know. He was like into it, though. Yeah, he didn't change at all. Like, he didn't like, it didn't like change his personality one bit. Anyway, it's got nothing to do with it,

but he's at the party and we're all, and this guy walks in and he starts threatening the party with a knife. He's like, come on, motherfuckers, can someone talk shit to his girlfriend or something? So he comes back with a knife. And he comes in the front door and he's waving the knife around recklessly,

not even really doing anything. John jumps off the balcony, scales the building, scales the side of the building, jumps on the neighbor's balcony. Breaks into their house. Goes through their house into the hallway and then knocks on the door.

The kid with the knife answers the door and John punches him in the face and knocks him out with one punch. Oh no! That's exactly what the whole party did. Rolling! That is awesome. That was so fucking cool.

No, he was worse. We used to do this thing on 4th of July where we'd, like, we'd shoot Roman candles at each other. We'd have big Roman candle wars. Oh, man, those are the best. Oh, yeah, but every, like, one year, he came home from Iraq, and he started playing. The next thing I know, I'm, like, shooting all these kids,

and all of a sudden, roaming candle's blowing up in my chest. He's got bushes on his head. Why did that guy open the door? He's like, I'm threatening people with knives. No, he was just a drunk idiot. I think he wanted to threaten more people or whatever.

Dumbass kids, man. Drunk. That's a great story. Florida. Yeah, no. He beat the shit out of them. One punch. One punch.

Out like a light. We just toast him and throw him in the street. We put him in a bunch of bushes. He wasn't there in the morning. What did the girlfriend do? Did she hang out at the party? She wasn't there in the morning. What did the girlfriend do? Did she hang out at the party? She wasn't there. She was already gone. I think someone poured their beer on her or something.

Something standard. Drinking and fighting is the fucking best thing to do. I was fighting with Dave, who does all our graphic design work. We used to get really into it just for fun. He's real retarded. He comes flying down a flight of stairs at the punk kids party.

I sidestep him. I grab him like it was a pro wrestler throwing a dude over the top rope right through the window. Oh, my God. Those are my two window-breaking stories. Oh, wow. You've got more than one. That's impressive, man. Yeah, man.

The fenestrate. You know what I mean? To throw someone through a window. Yeah, the fenestrate. Yeah, yeah than one that's impressive. Yeah, it was ministry, you know, I mean to throw someone through a window And that guy did the graphic for the roundtable gentlemen We just got drunk for the next like eight hours and we like laughed like you could have died Especially given the laceration after Yui's punch through I got a story You know of course all of this happened in the Midwest

In Wisconsin I got a story from Minnesota A nurse in Minnesota Allegedly shot herself up With some of the pain medication Allotted to a patient just before his surgery For kidney stones So this guy Went his surgery for kidney stones. So this guy

went into surgery for kidney stones with barely any pain medication. And whenever he was just in absolute agony on the operating table, the nurse told him to man up and go to his happy place. Wow. That's so funny.

Oh man, she's in trouble. She did something not good. What does kidney stone surgery entail? What are they opening up? Is that up in the pee hole? I mean, is that the head? Yeah, the kidneys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The dipstick. It's probably still in his kidneys. I don't really know. He probably had a catheter then. It was like in the old dark ages they used to put like little, little,

what's that? They used leeches in the dark ages. Well, they also used, well, just as like a pain and punishment,

they would take a small piece of glass and put it in a male penis and then break it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's,

that's, have you guys with the, a male penis? That's not right. Yeah, I know, a male penis.

You're talking about man's penis? Man's penis, yeah. Have you guys had to look for the ST You're talking about man's penis? Man's penis, yeah. You guys had to look for the STD test, a little boop. Oh, my God, the Q-tip. I've got it, yeah.

I didn't get the Q-tip. It was a different thing, and I was more on five. Wait, wait, wait. They put something up your... Yeah, they go boop. No, right, right, yeah. Right up your penis. Should you go to, like, a clown doctor?

Yeah, that's good. They got a slide for someone. No, it's just a noise hole this penis makes. Yeah, yeah. It's so ridiculous. When it's good to get a spike or something. No, it's just a noise hole this penis makes. It's how ridiculous this noise is. Yeah, when it's not getting that kind of noise, it's usually just going, It's kind of the normal fucking noises it makes. Now, what they do whenever you get an STD test, or at least this has been my experience,

whenever they test for gonorrhea, chlamydia, all that shit, they take a Q-tip and they open up the hole on your penis and they shove a Q-tip right up in there. Oh, my Christ. It is the worst. Stranger than that, you have to blow the doctor the whole time he's doing it. But apparently that is necessary. I feel like girls have reason to complain

because they have foreign shit being shoved up inside of them, but at least we're used to having shit being shoved up inside of us. It feels weird. It is foreign as balls. You don't have to take that kind of test. They don't have to. You can just take a blood test. What the fuck?

What doctor are you going to? I was a urologist. I went in New York. That is odd. I do not trust that guy. Urologist. What is that? Urin I do not trust that guy. Urologist. What is that? A urinologist?

What is that? Yeah. A dick doctor. And that's a weird thing. It's like, I want to be a dick doctor. It's like the strangest thing to me. Like, who chooses that? It's like, oh, it's a good market in that.

It's a bad sentence in general. Yeah, yeah, totally. Dick doctor. Either way. I'm sure they make a lot of money, though. You sell a doctor you get to see all that dick worse than

emergency rooms yeah if you're smart enough to be a dick doctor you're smart enough to be a computer programmer probably make the same amount of money

be a computer programmer that's like the world needs dick doctors though I mean that's true did you guys see that video though of the guy that had like

like cut open the tip of his dick so that another dick could fuck inside of his dick? No, we don't watch these videos. What about the guy who's injecting his dick with silicone every day for like 20 years? Have you seen that shit? It just looks like a big potato dick? It looks fucked up. Wait, what happened to the dick? It just gets bigger and bigger. It doesn't look like a big potato dick? It looks fucked up. Wait, what happened to the dick?

It just gets bigger and bigger. It doesn't look like a dick. It just looks like a big fucking thing. It looks really fucked up. Like a little walrus arm or something. There's a chick who just went down to Philadelphia this week who went to get button plants and they just injected her with silicone

and she died immediately. Oh yeah. I keep seeing these stories about those people. They just do plastic surgery in their house. Right. I saw a guy give himself liposuction. I saw a video of him, of this guy. I swear to God, he did the whole thing.

There was this whole video and he's, like, just standing there, like, looking at the screen, like, and he just has this hose, like, in his stomach, just going... And he's just like... in his stomach just going and he's just like oh my god you can see all this fat shit come out of him it was awful man

that makes me sick to my stomach I'm sure he looked good when he went on his next hot date so Holden got a segment from you this week absolutely well as we all know suspending disbelief, today is Valentine's Day because this show comes out on Monday.

So, we're doing speed dating with Ben Kissel. Everyone on the round table gets 30 seconds with Ben, and then he's going to decide who he wants to continue to see. Mark is going to have the timer going. I mean, I guess we can start with me, just to make things run more smoothly here. See, I'm not as

experienced as you are, so we just sit down. We're going to sit down. You have 30 seconds to get to know about me. Let me know about whatever you want me to know about you. Right. And we're going to go around in this way. Good. Okay, so tell us when to start.

Begin. Hi. Hey, how are you? I'm good. I'm Holden. What's your name? I'm Ben. Nice to meet you.

What do you do for a living, Holden? Oh, I dad entry. That's fantastic. Yeah, and I do comedy. Oh, you. What do you do for a living, Holden? Oh, I dad entry. That's fantastic. Yeah, and I do comedy. Oh, good. What's your favorite jokes? My favorite jokes? Knock Knock. Who's there? Oh, I don't know the joke.

Oh, wow. So what do you do? I tell jokes as well. Oh, okay, good. What's your favorite movie? I liked, I thought, well, I just saw True Grit. I thought it was pretty funny. And over. All right.

Moving on to Kevin. We did something good there. Yeah, that was pretty solid. All right. I enjoyed that. And begin. Hello. Hey, what's up, baby?

Okay. So we have one night together. What do you want to do with me, Kevin? Oh, I just want to take your face and rub it on my face. I just want to feel you, you know? Oh, that's fantastic. Are you going to take me, wind me, and dine anywhere? Or is this going to be done in an alley or a small apartment? I'll buy you nothing.

You ain't going to get no shit from me. You're just going to enjoy my presence. Well, that sounds a little bit scary. Where are you from? I'm from Florida. Oh, fantastic. That's the old penis state there. What would you describe as... Done. Okay. Alright, next up, Louis.

And begin. Hi. Hey, what's up? How you doing? I'm Ben. I do comedy. What do you do for a living? I also do comedy.

We have a lot in common. Yeah, wow, mostly comedy. This is fantastic. What would you say your ideal bosom size is? On a man. I'm still going to say C cup. Oh, okay. Cool, man.

I can probably do that for you. I like your style. So you like a larger person? Yeah, in general. Oh, fantastic. Done. Madeline, come on up to the mic. Come on up to the mic and begin

well I'll tell you this speed dating thing is pretty crazy right? oh my goodness it's my first time doing it yeah me too oh that's fun so I guess you don't come here often no well this is my first Valentine's Day ever

trying to actually do this, find love. Wow, that's really boring. I was just kind of looking. I make roughly $20,000 to $18,000 a year, and I was looking for someone maybe. What do you make a year? Well. You're not going to find out, Don. Yeah.

Yikes. Yikes. And Steve, go. All right, I'm going to be honest. All right, sometimes I like to cuddle. Sometimes I don't. Like, sometimes I just want to get to know you and hang out. And then sometimes I need my alone space, you know?

Like, I'm very back and forth. Are you okay with that? Yeah, because I don't even... Yes, I love to cuddle. And I like to have alone space as well with you. I like you to have your alone space with me when I cuddle with you. Yeah? Yeah, so I think this could totally work.

Would you watch them hold wrestling? Yeah, absolutely. We can reenact the moves. You're not going to do anything. Done. Jacket. That's actually it. I don't know.

Steve's pretty good. And begin. So what if I told you I had numerous crevasses to put yourself inside of except for my vagina? I would say I'm done speed dating because I'm sold. Is that rumor done? I guess we should get the fuck out of here. I'm completely engorged. All right, man, just cut me open, fucking put it inside of me. I've already come four times.

Exciting 30 seconds of my life, quite honestly. I'm done. Fuck the 30 seconds. I'm done, Marcus. All right. I'm done, Marcus. Wow, you guys still have one, two, three. Okay, done.

I love you. I steal the deal in 25 seconds. I don't even know if I talked to Eddie. You still have to do it, though. Okay, you got to finish up. I'll be right back, Jackie. Last one. Hey, man.

How you doing? What's going on, buddy? I thought there was going to be a lot more chicks here. Oh, I know, I know, I know. I can't believe we actually have to talk to each other. Mostly, it's just pretty...

Yeah, no, it's weird. Yeah, they just ran out of chicks, man. Talking to mostly guys. I'm like, you know, but just to help sell you, I'm a, what you call a squirt factory. As a matter of fact, that isn't necessarily wrong. All right, and speed dating is over. Ben, who is your choice?

Yeah. It's very tough. I thought, Kevin, I thought you were very sweet. Thank you. But I do like a few more gifts, but I do like your confidence. You know, you're just not really my type. Oh, yeah? I like more men.

I like more of a manly man. Madeline, I thought you were pretty cute and fantastic, but it's obvious you're not into me. And you probably couldn't fit me anyway. I'm a very large man. Louis, I think that we could actually make something work I would like to put you underneath my bosom and just have you hang there

I used to be able to do that with a couple of DVDs when I was really overweight so that could be kind of fun Steve Wrestling I was a wrestler in high school so you really kind of sold me on that Oh yeah buddy I'm trying to diversify,

and I don't really want to have sex with another Midwestern monster. I feel like it would be almost masturbating if I was fucking you at that point. Eddie, I thought you were absolutely fantastic, and it was a little awkward here because I'm sure we're both straight. But I'm going to have to go with the woman of many pussies, Jackie Zabowski. Thank you very much, Jackie. I'm excited to fuck you in so many different places, and I'm

excited to see where our child's going to be born out of. I really feel like a one today, by the way. Thank you. That's for the roundtable of gentlemen. For Jackie Zabrowski, my dream woman, Ed Larson, Holden McNair, Kevin Barnett, thank you, Steve Pacheca, Louis Katz, Madeline Osten,

Intern Mel, you were fantastic, Newsman Marcus Parks, I'm Ben Kissel, good night. Real Pacheco. Thank you. Louis Katz, Madeline Osten. It was a pleasure. Intern Mel, you were fantastic. Newsman Marcus Parks, I'm Ben Kissel. Good night. Real niggas fuck with the B.