The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 310: Party 'Till Dawn

Episode Date: December 23, 2016

The gang is joined by Henry Zebrowski for a very special holiday episode, where they discuss the Russian love of imbibing bubble bath, horses who have taken meth, and to recount tales of the days when Eddie and Henry lived together.

The Roundtable. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Hey, everybody, it's the Roundtable, and gentlemen, welcome. Gentlemen, always civility.

Hey, everybody, it's the Roundtable, and gentlemen, welcome. Big Ben Kisseling here. He's out. Big, big, big, big Ben. He's got to get that cheese. Monday, Monday, Monday, Ben will get the cheese. This is the Roundtable. I'm Ed Larson, hosted for you. That was big stinky neck Holden McNeely.

I got a bunch of ham in my pants. Who's sitting around this table? There's a morning zoo up in this bitch. A lot of energy. Come on, Jackie. Jackie, say your fucking name. I'm Jackie Sprouse. I'm here.

I bought a bag of spinach before I got here. You did. What were the five things you did before you got here? Faster, faster, faster, faster, faster, faster. I drank a Coca-Cola. Holy shit, faster. I love Christmas. That's not a thing, faster. I drink a Coca-Cola. Holy shit, faster. I love Christmas. That's not a thing you did.

That's a love you have. I watch, hi, hello, my name is Henry Zebrowski. You're welcome. Thank you. I was listening to, thank you again. Thank you to me. You're welcome again. I was watching a video of a Mexican fireworks factory explode this afternoon.

It was amazing. And my question is, do you not think on some level, deep, deep down, that guy who runs that fireworks fucking factory was real excited that it blew up? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're not starting that. I would sing that as it happens. I already see the Zebrowski mind working together. We're not starting that. By the way, I would say pre and post every Mexican explosion.

That's it. And also what I can imagine is that the police officer shows up. He gets out of his car. Polita. He gets out. He comes. He takes a bite of his fucking hard shell taco. Watching the thing explode.

And the first thing he says to himself is, Ay, caramba. A lot of people died. It's unfortunate. It's terrible. Dude, the video of it blowing up, though, is amazing. Imagine if it was at night. So satisfying.

A Christmas tragedy. How does it compare to that Chinese chemical factory blowing up? I remember that. Oh, it was to that Chinese chemical factory blowing up? I remember that. Oh, it was one of the biggest explosions ever on record that was not nuclear. A chemical factory in one of the biggest industrial towns in China completely and totally exploded one night. You two, watch it. What did I do? I don't know.

Why do you say us watch it? I will watch it. I will not make a joke about it it's a man with a machine gun. Hello, welcome to your PlayStation Network. Shut up! Just do it. We've got a little bit less today because of how many we had last time. Or is it because less people actually care? Less people hit me up on there. I am desperately trying to find people to play Titanfall 2 with me.

If anybody would play the game with me, that would be appreciated. Is the bit getting old? Maybe. I don't know. And by the way, since Kevin's here, I just want to reiterate my only pending friend request, ArchDeathSquad. Kevin Bardette, every time I go to look at my friends list, I see ArchDeathSquad just in my face, looming over me.

He will not accept. One of those things about your life that won't change. He will not accept. Yeah, that's just one of those things about your life that won't change. He will not accept my request. Aaron Rodriguez says, let Marcus know I've been preparing for the dig off. Tell him anytime, anywhere. And he sent me a picture of him holding a shovel. Central Park, February 26th, 7 p.m.

Be there, be there, be there. I don't know if it's legal to dig a hole in Central Park. We'll get the permits, Henry. We will get the digging permits. Will you get the permits? Oh, yeah. I'll go bark at City Hall. You don't think I don't have any pool at City Hall?

I show up at City Hall and I go, hey, Mayor, your fucking dick is out. You showed up today. And then he looks down and I punch him in his fucking face. Mr. de Blasio. No, Mr. de Blasio. Mr. de Blasio. You showed up today here asking us to come up with the segment. You're not going to City Hall.

Do we have to give him a behind-the-scenes look, Henry? Hey, man. The way the inner workings of the show is, people don't need to hear that. They don't have time for that. They're on their way to work trying to fucking pay the bills so the mailman doesn't keep coming their fucking out. I'll tell you this, man. I'd take a good look at a fucking steak, but stick my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather

take the butch's word for it. Boo. Tommy Boy reference. What if we just drain the reservoir? No, they're saying boo urns. Boo urns. Ah. Simpsons.

Yeah, we could do that with the reservoir. Strain the reservoir. There you go. Put it in the river. Well, if you were mayor, you could make that happen. God damn it. Goopy Jew Ball Six says- I like this guy. Are you allowed to say that? Are you allowed to say that? You can make that happen. Goddamn. GoopyJewBall6 says,

I like this guy. Are you allowed to say that? Are you allowed to say that? It's his username. Yeah, it's his username. It's like a news story. Roundtable is my fave podcast behind last podcast. Marcus is a brilliant cum stain of a man.

Holden, you're a lizard, but I'd let you lick my Hershey Highway any day of the week also tell us what you thought of the Last of Us 2 trailer I'm excited about it but I'm not really sure they needed to do

a sequel of it I think they could have started with a brand new IP love all you guys fuck Garfield Heil Gein it's a pizza party just wrote the word

fuck boy so I don't know if that was him calling me a fuckboy I think that's what that is I think that might be what it is But I actually don't know if I'd even call I believe a fuckboy is someone who's good with the women Yeah it's not Holden

But also he might be talking about the original definition of fuckboy Which is it means fuckboy Oh it's a little boy that you have sex with? No the original definition of fuckboy Was a guy who thought he was cool, but he wasn't. He's kind of a fucking idiot, so you call him a fuck boy. Oh, that makes sense. I think I'm a pretty cool dude who's got some rad ideas. Fucking poser.

Ay caramba. Fuck boy. I'm a bit of a Limp Bizkit fan. Beak Stouffer says, Garfield is the best cartoon cat. Anyone who thinks otherwise obviously doesn't like lasagna and can't be trusted. Absolutely.

Of course, absolutely. But we don't need to fucking go over this. I'm the only guy. I forgot about Sylvester. Sylvester is an okay cat. He's a cuck. Yeah, he's so... He's dealing with fucking Tweety all the time.

Get rid of it. Fucking kill the bird. Again, you're throwing away your vote, Ed. I'm not throwing away my vote. Yeah, he's so weak. Whoa. He's dealing with fucking Tweety all the time. Get rid of it. Again. Fucking kill the bird. Again, you're throwing away your vote, Ed. I'm not throwing away my vote. You're throwing away the vote. Actually, you were going to vote for Garfield, too. I'm going to freak.

Okay. Third party people don't do anything. Rainbow Robocop says, tell Jackson he is my favorite princess. What? I don't know. Does that mean me? That's a different podcast That's been your PlayStation Network

Shoutouts brought to you by Goofers The fun joke shop at the edge of town It's in the back of the Chinese restaurant So you come by Goofers to get squirty flour I show you squirty flowers Here inside my pants Oh that's a bit of a goofer is a good squirty flower. I show you squirty flowers here inside my pants.

Oh, that's a bit of a goofer. It's crazy because you sound just like every one of them I've ever heard. Right? Right? Yeah. Right? That was my bad. Chemical explosion.

I didn't even do bad. I was a light one. That was a dusting one. That was a subtle one. Oh, that was subtle. No, no, there's a line. He's straddling it. Yeah. Oh, no. I meant my penis. That was a subtle one. Oh, that was subtle. No, no, there's a line. He's straddling it. Erner, I meant my penis.

I should have said in the back of an Irish pub. That was bad for a different one. Oh, yeah, and it's Bird Luger, man. I'm back. Tweet, tweet. I'm trying to do is figure out what my main call is going to be. Is it going to be Luger which is an appropriation

of Luda's Luda or is it going to be and it's Bird Luger baby oh I like that second one I like it it's a little sexier

but the first one leaves people a little scared because the thing is I just feel like in this climate of what's happening in America right now you screaming Luger

and a bunch of women walking down the street may get you arrested. Thank you for looking out for me, man. No problem. I wish I could just yell at people, I'm Henry! When I was single, Henry's here now! Show me the knees!

I usually say, I'm hungry. Ah, yes. Big man. People feed him because they're afraid to be eaten by him. Give me the meats. And I'm not Ben Kissel, Ed Larson, and as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what do you got for us? At least 49 people have died in the Siberian city of Irkuts after drinking bath essence. The Hawthorne Senate liquid was consumed as if it were alcohol.

Sure. Ed sent me this one, actually. Several others are in a serious condition. Several people have been detained over the deaths, and police are removing bottles from shops. Investigators said a warning that it should not be swallowed was ignored. Obviously. Man, Russia must be so bad.

This is like what you do for fun is you drink bath liquid. Yeah, and it's called Bojurisnik. Bojurisnik. It's beets and feet. Oh, that's my favorite flavor. I like it when my wife smells like an old man has been crushing beets with his fucking feet.

How many people do you think it killed before they took it off the shelves? 49. Yeah. But that's like how many parts like like you know how like chicken nuggets and stuff like have like so many like bug parts or like other like animal gut parts are allowed to be in the food until it considered illegal it's like you could have like 10 bug parts inside of a hot dog and it's fine with the with the uh food and drug. Most of the candy and hot dogs that we eat are 50-60% bug

guts. Absolutely, and assholes. Yes, and little buttholes. There's a documentary about what goes on and how they make hot dogs. I'm not gonna fucking watch it. You know why? I love a hot dog. You do. I don't give a fuck what's inside of it. Gimme, gimme, gimme. Hell yeah, that's a good attitude

there. America! I have seen her take a frozen hot dog and just suck on it until it's warm enough to serve to somebody else. I turned it from an ice dog into a hot dog. She squirts mustard in her mouth. She sucks on the dog until it's ready. And then she literally throws it at the person who is ready to eat it. She calls it being at a hot dog. She squirts mustard in her mouth. She sucks on the dog until it's ready and then she literally throws it at the person

who is ready to eat it. She calls it being a naughty picnic. That's the thing. Like, sucking on a hot dog really is going to make it at best lukewarm.

So either way, it's still impolite. Yes. Well, I mean, I don't care about any of that, but we asked the guy, we were on a plane

with the guy that works for a Brooklyn hot dog. So if I remember what the actual term is, but it's like some, some kind of like griff Dogs or whatever. Some fucking local. Yeah, it is Criff Dogs.

And I asked him how many assholes are in there, and he's like, none, none, none, none. But he was fucking lying. Because I was on a plane with him, cornering him. Got a little lit because I'd been drinking a couple scotches in there, and I bet at that point he felt like he was being threatened. Right. How close were you to him? I mean, we were on a plane.

I was in the middle seat. If you were ever sitting next to Henry on a plane, you're close to me. Some of your seat becomes his seat, even after the weight loss. That's the thing. It's the elbows. It's the elbows.

He gets in there with those Jimmy bows. Oh, my God. He bows out, and it's just not fair. As a fat person, I try to take up as little space as humanly possible because they're like, oh, it's a fat girl. I tiny myself. His elbows are just waiting for him to get fat again.

Because they just sit on the same. I puff out when I sit down. I sit big. Oh, yeah. I have no choice. I don't know. Where else is it going to go? Yeah, exactly.

Up to my beautiful breasts. No, not there. God, imagine if I could swoosh up all my fat to have big, huge fucking succulent tits. You can. You're just doing it. Yeah, that's what most women do. Yeah, imagine if I could smoosh up all my fat to have big, huge fucking succulent tits. You can. You can. You're just doing it. Yeah, that's what most women do. Yeah, he's pushing it up right now. You have to get the bra on, and then you shove up all the fat up inside.

You're so tiny, but it's so loose still. Yeah. God, this is loose. Why are you touching his nipples, Marcus? No, no, no. Try and flick him. It makes you feel weird. I will not flick them.

It's making me feel weird. Yeah, dude. I got real Rosie O'Donnells. Yeah. You know she doesn't have great breasts. You have big nipples. Yeah will not flip that. It's making me feel weird. Yeah, dude. I got real Rosie O'Donnells. Yeah. She doesn't have great breasts. You have big nipples. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. You push it all up like that. Yeah, the ease in which all of that moves is just very upsetting. Like an army sergeant kind of. Yeah, like I'm a little pit bull. Well, back in Russia, the product called- I'm shamed. Yeah.

You should be. The product called Boryoshnik was found to contain methanol, a toxin found in antifreeze. Now, why don't they just drink their super cheap potato liquid? Why don't they just do that? You get sick of it after a while. They're too poor for it. In Russia, drinking household chemicals is a common practice in order to get drunk.

And you know who's doing something about that? Vladimir Putin. Because of this, and by the way, 61 people have died so far. They're lowering the booze tax in Russia. Wow. See, he's getting things done. Oh, that's a Christmas miracle. That's a Christmas miracle. Good job, Vladimir.

He's doing it. Man, but people do that here. It's not that big of a thing. What. Sizes, that guy. He's doing it. Man, but people do that here. It's not that big of a thing. What? In prison, they do. Yeah, I mean, people are drinking antifreeze. People are drinking Windex, you know, robo-tripping. We don't get 49 dead at a time.

Yeah, it's just spread out. And that spice is a problem, and we've talked about that on this show. But honestly, it's walking zombie. I do believe that in America, we assume that people are going to eat the shit that we say to not eat. And so we make it less deadly. And that's what they're doing

in the city. It's called Irkutsk in Siberia. Irkutsk, that's a good spot in Risk. Oh, nice. It's a good channel way through. It's also the name of the Russian Steve Urkel. Irkutsk, please don't shoot and cock.

Please don't shoot me. I'm not going to the Russians. Don't take my family. What a nerd. What they've done is they've taken all household products that contain alcohol off the shelves. Really? Until they can solve the problem. What are they going to do with it? They're just keeping it in a warehouse

somewhere. They're going to drink it in a warehouse fucking idiots are going to be drinking it. All the guys doing the forklifts in there, they're going to be getting housed on it. Makes me think of like Ernest Saves Christmas. Like the two guys that are in Ernest Saves Christmas in the warehouse. When the reindeer go up to the roof. Eggs are odious. But they're just going to

be drinking a bunch of Windex, Russian Windex. I just think of those fun goblins in the Ernest Halloween special. Are they scared stupid? That's the best. I think that might be the best one. It's definitely the best one.

Rewatch it. Have you watched any of these recently? It's terrible. It's not good. It's terrible. Frightening. No, it's not good. It's very frightening.

When was the last time you watched it? Oh, a few days ago. It's frightening. No, it's not good. It's very frightening. When was the last time you watched it? Oh, a few days ago. What? Yeah. You're picking it up. Yeah. It's not on anything, right? No, it's on HBO now.

Oh, what? Yeah. Oh, shit. What about Ernest Goes to Jail? I remember liking that. We started shocking people at the end. That's a really good one. Yeah.

Ernest Goes to Camp is the best, though. Oh, yeah. Lyle Alzada's in it before he Became a corpse Oh and speaking of people becoming a corpse We gotta say a round table goodbye To Zsa Zsa Gabor Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa finally died

Of course 2016 She's walking her way out of this world A buoy of a woman Now she can just be in heaven And getting slapped by Billie fucking Holiday again. She's going to have a good time up there. So, Ed, did you win or lose money?

I mean, we've been tracking her death for, I mean, at least six years, I want to say. Dog shit. I mean, the first one we invented, guess who died this month? Yeah. We thought she was going to die the second month. Yeah. And then every month we were waiting for her, waiting for her, waiting for her, and she went off the radar, came back

for a second, lost a couple legs. She's been on a machine for five years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then her family tried to take her house from her and she fucking woke up. I miss her already. Because I imagine her hospital bed could just turn into like a mech warrior at that point.

Just fucking ripping off the head of her fucking quote unquote son-in-law. It was in her will. I want to become Crank. I become Crank. I want to be the soft brain in the big fat robot man. It's wearing like a negligee. Oh, man. I've got a quote.

Back to the Russia story. I got a quote from one of the guys that drank the liquor. And this guy was a doctor, by the way. Oh, my God. That's how bad things are in Russia is that doctors are drinking bootleg alcohol. God. Yeah, he was drinking. Maybe it's like a science experiment trying to find out how bad it really is.

I don't know if he's Dr. Jekyll. Yeah, this is what he said after drinking. He shared a bottle with his friends. So it's like, yeah, him and his friends can only afford this bottle of bootleg alcohol. He said, the taste seemed to me strange, bitter. I drank only one shot and then went home. We had a supper. Then I played with my child and went to sleep.

In the morning, I was blind. I could not even see what is in my cell phone. I wanted to get up, but my legs did not obey. Jesus Christ. Sounds like how my mother describes Christmas when we don't go home. You look at the final

sentence. I'm a doctor by education, so I quickly understood that I had been poisoned. Is he okay now? Or is he still blind and can't walk? It doesn't say, actually. He might still be blind and paralyzed. I don't think you bounce back that easy.

You know what? Get rid of that doctor. You're right. Bad doctor. I would trust no doctor that's going to drink chemical fluids to get drunk. He's supposed to be a doctor. Also, I love that he said my legs would not obey because that's exactly how I imagine every Russian.

Jump! Every morning he's, obey me! Obey me! Put on shoes, you fucking bitch! Put on socks, you fucking plebs!

My little slaves. I have slaves attached to my hips. Do what you will. Kick wife! He was whipping his toes to get them to curl up. God, be cute

I said to you, sweet little toes. You're spitting all over yourself. That's when he's on fire. That's when he gets on fire. That's how you put it out. He's like a Mexican factory right now. En fuego. Ay car now. En fuego.

Ay, caramba. Most fireworks. Man, they fucking blew up everybody. The incident that I was reading about it today is just like everything's gone, they said. It's like nothing's left. They just totally obliterated it. It was like an outdoor swap shop kind of deal. It's like if the Looney Tunes did 9-11.

like an outdoor swap shop kind of deal. It's like if the Looney Tunes did 9-11. Because it's like fucking Wile E. Coyote is Osama Bin Laden in that world. Good God. That is really very sad. A lot of people don't. You are not sad. I am, of course, in theory, very sad.

As a massacre, it's a good one. It's a good one. Yeah. Well, let's move from alcohol to methamphetamine. Merry Christmas. Alcohol to meth. You guys good for alcohol to meth? Yeah.

Sure. Why not? A racehorse called Party Till Dawn has tested positive for methamphetamine after a race meeting in New Zealand. Oh, man, was he smoking his teeth? Why would you even be like, they'll know. They'll know by its name. The positive sample for the five-year-old mare returned after it placed second

at a race in Toowoomba in June and is the second horse to show traces of the drug in Queensland in just over a year. What? Yeah, well, you know, it happens. I told you about the horse that I saw that fucking dropped dead on the spot after it won a race. No, you didn't. Really? That's a sad story. I'm glad I didn't want to upset you, Kevin.

It wasn't in one of your horse magazines, Kevin? It was. I was down at Calder Racetrack with my grandfather. We owned a bunch of racehorses. We were watching the race. This other horse destroyed all the other horses. They put the flowers around its neck, and it fucking collapsed and died.

Yeah. When I was a kid, we were at a football game at Texas Tech, and it used to be every time Texas Tech scored a touchdown, there would be this dude dressed up as a matador riding a horse, and he'd do a whole bunch of laps. But one day the horse for no reason decided that he didn't want to turn when he hit the wall, so he just went straight in, bashed his own brains in, and died.

They just put a big tarp over him and finished the game. I bet it's because he fell in love with one of the cheerleaders, and he knew he could never actually have her. Can't taste that sweet peach because you couldn't handle his rod. And speaking of which, you know what the name of the other horse that tested for methamphetamine was? Party Tang. No, wait, excuse me. Island Tang.

Island Tang. Oh, man, that sounds dangerous. Yum, yum. Wait, is Tang still around? Like the juice beverage? Yeah I mean, really, when I hear Tang I think of Poon Tang

Yeah, that's because you're Pussy crazy, Mark You're a regular rapist When I hear Tang, I think about No, no, no Oh, wait, did my ears just perk up? A vagina enthusiast. Yes.

I think it'd be good if, you know, if you did a handstand, you put a bunch of Tang in a woman's vagina. Poon Tang. Yeah, yeah. There you go. It was good. You know, think about experiments.

Yeah, you call it your vagina juice. Vagina juice? Oh, yeah, I got my vagina juice flowing, and it is citrusy. Why were you staring at Henry the whole time? I like to stare into Henry's eyes when I make an appropriate comment. I really don't like it. She literally did not move her eyes away from his. Well, I'm thinking about his dinner plate nipples.

Yeah, we've seen them today. I got big nipples. You do. They're wide. No, they're not that big. Yeah, we've seen them today. I got big nipples. You do. They're wide. No, they're not that big. Yeah, they're pretty big. Probably bigger than everyone's here, I would say. If you, it's like, it's just if you shaved me, like

I'd have good tits to suck on. They're like bigger than a pog slammer. Yes. They're not thicker, so that's for the best. It took me a second to approximate in my mind, and I was like, oh, yeah. Well, Island Tang's trainer, Cassandra Marsh, gave evidence to stewards that the horse's positive test for the drug was a result of a contact with a handler who was a regular user of methamphetamine.

How? So this guy was using so much meth that just by touching the horse, the horse tested positive for meth. He probably dropped some in its oats or something. I just don't understand yet. Like, you don't check it? How did that, just from his sweat, from his crotch sweat? It happened in Texas, again, with five winning racehorses who were all disqualified because the handlers were doing so much meth.

All of the jockeys, or not the jockeys, the horse handlers, all on meth. Of course. So what you're saying is if you do enough meth, you can have superpowers. Yeah. Or at least be friends with horses. At least speak to horses.

You can't teach a horse to run if you can't run as fast as a horse. There it is. So you have to be trying to outrace it. And doing flips and stuff. Yeah. Woo, woo, woo, woo. Killing a woman.

Has anyone here ever done meth? No. No. I've seen it. I've never done it meth? No. No. I've seen it. I've never done it. You've seen it? I've seen it. When?

When someone did it at my house. Oh, was this back in the day at our house where we lived in Tallahassee? Yeah, and I kicked them out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I remember that. No meth in my house, you jackass. The filthiest house I've ever been in. There was cigarette ash everywhere.

Beer bottles and beer cans everywhere. No meth, though. That's where we cut it off. No meth. We had a casket filled with meth. There was a bathroom that was just left behind at one point that you just didn't go into. We drew a big X on the door.

This is completely true. That bathroom, what happened again? Why did you leave the, because there was a leak in there? The wall collapsed and a bunch of bugs came shooting out of it. And I remember I made them a cigarette Henry kept using collapsed and a bunch of bugs came shooting out of it. And I remember I made them a sink when I was there visiting.

Yeah. You said that I could use it. I was in town visiting before I went to college. And so I remember I opened it up and I immediately closed the door as fast. Like I had never seen anything so foul. What did you see? It had a permanent about four inches of water on the bottom of the bathtub. Yes. And also the sink was permanently stopped

and I was just shaving on top of it so it was all covered in soap scum. It was filled with bugs. You were the only one that kept using it. Yeah.

The rest of us stopped. Yeah, I was in a weird place. I used to call him the bug man. Yeah. I would sit on the toilet and smoke. I would shit and smoke

at the same time. You did a lot of weird things. Yeah. I remember one of the worst parts about being Henry's roommate is you would always use my toothpaste, which normally doesn't bother me, but you would never put the cap back on.

Yeah, I did bad with that. And then one time I took the toothpaste thing and I wrote on it with Sharpies, if you're going to use the toothpaste, put the cap back on, and then he didn't do it. That's a lot to write on a toothbrush. I covered it.

It was like, put the cap back on. Or what about the time I Xeroxed all those pictures of the woman in the casket and then I put it in your bed was like, put the cap back on. Or what about the time I Xeroxed all those pictures of the woman in the casket and then I put it in your bed? Yeah, my pillowcase. Yeah. Because you stole pictures

of a dead woman from a CVS. I worked at the CVS at the old machine and you could just write off duplicates of pictures as mistakes. And so you could just take whatever pictures

that people privately took and you could make a bunch of copies of it. And there were dirty pictures, not just pictures of the casket. You took pictures of dead people, though. Yes, because that is a Southern thing where people would take an entire roll of a person

dead in a casket at a funeral. And I just put a bunch of them all inside Eddie's pillowcases. And then I also did the same thing with a woman that had wrote in a Sharpie with just her open, horrible pussy. And then she wrote around it, Wish you were here. That's nice. That's sexy. I it, wish you were here. That's nice. That's sexy.

I mean, if you want to be fun. Yeah, I don't even know how to get a Sharpie down there. I mean, I think it's just interesting. Use your hands. How do you write around your pussy, wish you were here? Yeah, I didn't really want it. I think you have someone do it for you. Right, because it has to be so that when they're looking at it. They can read it so you have to do it backwards and upside down

Yeah, tricky. Yeah, that's the problem is figuring out how to get it into a mirror Yes, when it comes down to it that woman's probably dead now Also that time I felt that nude fat old woman with a red hat on sitting on a toilet. I remember that one. Yeah, we had that on the refrigerator for a while. That was a classic. Everybody sees everything. She loved that toilet. She was smiling.

That apartment may still be the worst space I've been in. Yes. I was going to say the worst apartment I've been in, but I think actual physical space I've been in. Yes. It was a bad place. Next story? Sure. God, remember trying to clean it

for you to come into town too and it wasn't clean? It was still awful. Yeah. It was just shit everywhere. There was no rhyme or reason to where things were placed. There was like a bookshelf,

I remember, in the middle of the living room. We started graffiti-ing all the walls. It was a horror house. I remember when you started, Eddie would do a thing whenever he made money on a pot deal, whenever he wanted to hide money from himself,

he would just put it in a book and just leave it in various places around the house. So every once in a while, he'd open it up, he'd be like, huh, $400. It's in handy. I remember one time I put it in I put like six hundred dollars

in the the fuse box yes and I put it I remember the power went out and then all of a sudden a bunch of money fell over me

you're like whoa I've been so happy I forgot about it I remember like well for me the worst physical space I've probably been is when we were

shooting friends of the people we had to shoot in a bunch of like abandoned buildings and then at least you were there on one of the People and we had to shoot in a bunch of like abandoned buildings and then at least you were there on one of the days and we were in this abandoned

building in like Wall Street and Yeah that place was fucking horrible It was fucking horrible and I remember it was like it was where like you know the office

that they talk about Wolf of Wall Street that's where that used to be Yeah and it was abandoned now Some of the windows were broken so there

was wind like Yeah shit was just coming through and it was so because I remember we had like Brian McKnight come in and do a sketch. We wanted to get him back after that, and he never came back because it was an abandoned building.

None of the bathrooms worked, but all of them were also flooded, so we had to go use the bathroom and walk in the nearly ankle-deep water. I remember there was this old Russian dude who owned the place. I don't want to say his name, but he would just come down every day and just steal our food. Like trays of food. What else would he do? He owned the building. We've established a lot about Russians today.

This should not surprise you. We were there for like a week, and he was stealing our food every day. We're like, what the fuck is going on? He's like, trust me, trust me. You just have to come to the 21st floor. Trust me. And we're like, why are you stealing our food like every day. We're like, what the fuck is going on? He's like, trust me, trust me. You just have to come to the 21st floor. Trust me. And we're like, why are you stealing our food? Finally, somebody went up there and there was just a Chinese family that he was keeping

up on the 21st floor. What? Was he feeding them? He was feeding them. He was just shaking them, which is nice. He's a bit of a Robin Hood. Not if they were like his slaves. But there was, I don't know what they were doing.

They were like cats he found. Yeah, he was feeding this family that's only staying on the 21st floor. He wouldn't let them come down. You know, now I regret what I said about Russians. I don't know. At the same time, he had like a reason. Oh, yeah. They probably had a teenage daughter.

I just can't believe this wasn't in Coney Island. Yeah. No, this is fucking Wall Street, man. That place was terrible, man. Because there's a lot of places that shut down after 9-11. That was when I was working for the headhunting agency. Will Stavenhagen, the dude I was working for, what a piece of shit.

You were physically removed from a building. Yes. And that's the only time you were actually physically taken out of a building by security. Security escorted me out after I quit and threw my tie at him, which is very dumb. Oh, yeah. But he was explaining to me, he was just like,

we went out for drinks after work one day and he took a shot and he's like, all my fucking friends died at 9-11. And he was like pointing around all of the offices that were stopped after 9-11, all the offices that stopped because too many clients died during 9-11. So that was just another casualty of 9-11. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. You want to hear about a death in Baltimore?

Yay! Authorities in Baltimore are investigating after a body was found in a van days after police had towed it to a city-owned impound lot. Police searched the van. Yeah. Police say an employee of Baltimore City's impound lot discovered an unidentified man's body Tuesday morning inside the 2001 Chevy Astro van. Detective Jeremy Silbert says there

didn't appear to be any signs of trauma on the body. Investigators say the owner of the van reported the vehicle missing December 7th after someone the owner knew took it without permission. Do you remember that song, Chevy Van, from the 70s? All about fucking in a Chevy van? No. No, how'd it go?

Something like, hey, come on, get in my Chevy van. Fucking Chevy, Chevy time. I'm gonna, come on, get in my Chevy van. Fucking Chevy, Chevy town. I'm gonna fuck you in the back of the Chevy van, old lady. I think that's actually very similar to that.

Wow. You never heard of Marcus' Chevy van? I've never heard it. No, is it like Afternoon Delight? Yeah, it's like that. It's like that style, yeah.

We're gonna go out to a Chevy van. He's all about like that. Park it in a park and get on there. Gotta go to the Chevy van. I's talking about like parking in a parking lot and get on there. Yo, yo, to the Chevy van. I like that.

I don't know. No, this story sounds like an example of five people passing the buck. Right? Where it's just like literally the dude was like,

I don't know who that guy is. That car was stolen by somebody. There was just a guy left in the back of it that it's dead. And then obviously a cop saw a dude

in the back of the van and was like, if I call this in, this is going to be a lot of paperwork. Just fucking get this out of here. I don't want to look at this. Everyone's going to assume I killed him. Exactly. Go, boom, boom, boom, get out of here.

And then that guy finally had to say something because he had to get rid of the body. Yeah, they don't know what killed him yet. They're performing an autopsy on him soon. But they say it doesn't appear to be trauma, so it seems like this guy just stole his buddy's van and then died in it. Oh, that'll happen. Especially in Baltimore. They got bad luck with vans down there.

Baltimore's a terrible place. I can't go back there, man. You done? Oh, yeah, you got booed out of that club. Yeah, I got booed out of that club. Oh, yeah. I love Baltimore. I like Baltimore. It's alright. I'll tell you what, they don't like me. It's rough there. The thing is, Baltimore, the one venue we've been inside in Baltimore is fun.

Autobar. Because we had a good time in that venue, and it was a good show. It's a sanctuary. But if you step a foot outside of that place. You're in Baltimore. Yes. We were waiting for them to open up the venue for us, and some dude did just walk across the street

and lay down on the sidewalk, but put his elbow down so he could kind of lean on it. You guys like jazz. He was just saying some weird shit. They're like, what? And he was just like, you want to puff Rooney off my toot-toot? And he took out a weird tiny little roach of a joint, and he's just like, you want some?

He wrapped his whole lips around it like, there's like no smoke coming out of it and handed to it and I have to be like, sir, no, I've quit. I have to do a drug test for my job with the government. I can't say anything to get out of the situation. I feel like, man, the shows I had in Baltimore went so bad that I remember like all the cooks

and like the servers and shit wanted to fight me. I remember after one of my shows, walking off stage and seeing one of the cooks, he was just staring at me, nodding his head. He just went, all right, niggas. Why are you sad? What did you say? I didn't say anything.

I was just scared. I left town a day early. I was supposed to stay until Monday. I paid $200 to get out faster because I was scared of it. Baltimore was a great place before crack. Sure. Yeah. A lot of places

were great before crack happened. Yeah. I've not heard of one city. Tallahassee was a jazz mecca before crack. So was Baltimore. Is there a story of a city that was made better by crack?

Because I like that story and that should be a movie. Feel good crack story. When can we get one of those? Come on on help people People are mad and sad That's what Russia needs Crack

Crack cocaine There you go They won't be drinking Their floopy juice Denzel Washington does crack He's a famous actor Yeah He does

I saw an interview With him recently And everyone's like Denzel Washington Spitting some truth And I'm looking I'm like he is Fucking high on crack

That's how you Fucking spit some truth If you chase some rocks on your throat, buddy. He was like moving around. His neck kept jumping back and forth. Crack okay. Having a great time. No, that same old man that tried giving us the joint,

he told us a story about how his girlfriend had just tried to stab another woman. And he told it six different ways, six different times. She came over here and cheated. All sorts of high C. Running around through the city. You know what I'm saying? Swap my other girlfriend.

Get a fight over me. And I was like, what do you mean a fight over you? What are you over what? He's like, God, don't you know I'm going to prison. You better put that knife away. You can beat the shit out of me. You get that knife, you're going to go to jail for assault. Sorry, sir.

We have a musical performance to do. Yeah, it's like, do you know what it's like to go to jail for a song. Sorry, sir. We have a musical performance to do. Yeah, it's like, do you know what it's like to explain to that guy what a podcast is? Future radio. You just go future radio. Future person radio. You know about computers? Uh-uh.

Oh, shit. Yeah, it's kind of a good way to test out the theory Of like how would you explain concepts to an alien Yeah Just a guy who got crack on the street How to explain to a homeless man Yelp reviews How can he understand Man that would be a fun little website Explaining things to homeless people

No just homeless Yelp Yeah homeless Yelp We get a Yelp. Yeah, homeless Yelp. We get a Yelp for like underpass or overpasses and for, you know, tunnels. Not too many bats here.

Thumbs up. I give that sleep rape two stars out of five because I got to tell you, it didn't wake me up. It's just called, I mean, it'd probably just be called help. That's a really good idea.

Help this person. That was good. There you go. Thank you. Okay, I'll take that. Yeah, does that mean I win? Win what? Win what?

The segment? I mean, you can start a website that won't make any money. Yeah, so like Sketch put that in your new packet for Jimmy Fallon or something. Yeah, there you go. That's what I've been working on these days. Jimmy Fallon hates the money. Yeah, so like, Sketch put that in a new packet for Jimmy Fallon or something. Yeah, there you go. That's what I've been working on these days. Jimmy Fallon hates the homeless. Yeah. Fuck it.

God, that's a stinky Italian piece of shit. I want to beat the fuck out of Jimmy Fallon. No, don't ever say that. Fuck him. No, don't ever say that. Oh, he's a bad person. Have you read The Blind Items? Jimmy Fallon is terrible. No, he's not.

I'll fight. No, I like Jimmy Fallon. He's a fighter. You fight Jimmy Fallon if he gets drunk enough. I'll fight. No, I like Jimmy Fallon. He's a fighter. You fight Jimmy Fallon if he gets drunk enough. I'll fight him. That would be fun. See, Kevin's talking like a dude who wants to get a spot on TV.

Yes. All I'm trying to do. Tonight's show with Jimmy Fallon. Recognize me, Kevin Barnett. Send y'all five minutes. That's how you do it? Don't lump Kevin in with me. They all listen to the podcast.

Wow. You're right. I forgot. That's why we're it? Don't lump Kevin in with me. They all listen to the podcast. Wow. You're right. I forgot. That's why we're getting all those business deals. Oh, my whole life is nothing but business deals. Business deals. Oh, yeah, man. A guy offered me bologna on the street the other day.

That's awesome. That's a business deal. God damn. I have been wanting some bologna, but you can't just buy bologna. You absolutely can't. That's the only way you can get bologna. I suggest getting some bread and mustard as well. No, what you do is you go to a real Polish place and get bologna,

or you ask for mortadella, because mortadella is actually Italian bologna. Yeah, and then you fry that shit in a pan. Fuck your ass. Fuck you. Fuck this. You got a story that has something to do with that? Bologna or ass fucking. Blown your ass fucking.

Ass fucking. Ass fucking. A newlywed couple was charged this week after a family member provided Pennsylvania authorities with a camera containing video showing one of the defendants, quote, performing sexual acts with a dog. Cool. That's going to happen. Yeah.

Rachel Harris, 19, and Corey Harris, 24, were charged Tuesday with multiple counts of animal cruelty and obscenity. Rachel Harris is also facing additional counts related to her alleged sexual activity with the dog. Married earlier this year, the couple is scheduled for a January 11th preliminary hearing. This is a picture of the couple. Oh, I could say they do kind of look like dog fuckers. No, they don't. They look like normal people.

What classifies a dog fucker looking person? Honestly, I could see her fucking a dog. Of course you can. I can too. You know what it is? One of them was a female dog and they scissored. Sorry, Henry. I'm sorry. You're right.

That was an important statement to make. You're right. We should have investigators look deeply and see if that is true. I think the term is, was it skimming or what's the term that they use for it? Skimming. What's skimming? Skimming is the thing that you term when you scissor somebody. Oh.

I thought it was scissor. There's scissoring and there's another thing. Is that when you slap vaginas together is more of a skib? Yeah, like alligator mouth. Oh, okay. But scissoring is more of like a massage. Yeah. I don't know.

Yeah, scissoring is more of a rubbing and writhing. Rub-a-dub. Rub-a-dub. I don't think it's actually good. It apparently doesn't actually work. Rub-a-dub two pussies at once. Yeah, that's the thing. It has to. Rub a dub. I don't think it's actually good. It apparently doesn't actually work. Rub a dub to pussies a lot of times. Yeah, that's the thing. It has to be in a tub.

Yeah. Anyways, normally when I've seen pictures of a woman that has been accused of having sex with a dog, like normally they look like vaguely hot, somewhere middle of the road, probably works as a dental assistant or like some sort of office job. Some of it's like normal put together life. Looks like a kind of normal person you would have grown up with on Facebook that you're still friends with

for some reason who says vaguely racist things every once in a while. About Native America, like a weird shit. Not even, yeah. It's like complaining about the protesters,

like some dumb shit, and they fuck dogs because I think it's exciting for them. It's exciting for anybody to fuck a dog. I don't think it is. Well, you want to hear the details?

Absolutely. I guess so. After securing a search warrant, investigators downloaded four videos from the camera that showed Rachel Harris atop the canine attempting manipulation of the dog's penis into her vagina. Harris, whose husband was recording the illicit action, also is reportedly seen attempting to allow the dog to perform oral sex on her vagina and masturbating the dog with her hand in a rapid motion back and forth.

This, you know, I can joke around about a lot of things. This makes me sick to my stomach. Yeah, you don't want to watch that? This is really disgusting. Don't dogs have, like, barbed penises? No, cats have that. And dogs have screwdriver things. But dogs, like,bed penises? No cats and dogs have screwdriver things. But dogs like lock up once they

go inside you or at least another dog shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot they have to finish once a dog enters another dog they have to finish but how disgusting is a red rocket can you imagine wanting a tiny fucking red rocket inside of you

yeah of course absolutely it. It's disgusting. If you thought, we're like, uh. If you were literally thinking about this story and you're like, maybe you're disgusting. It's disgusting. We'll also feel weird about like. What if you shave the dog? Or it looks like in the witches right before they turn into an actual witch. That's it.

I know that's the stuff. Do you guys also feel that there is a weirder, and please for the love of Christ, I'm just going out on a limb here, that if it is weirder, to summarize it in my mind, for a woman to be gone down on by a dog than a man.

I feel like it's stranger for a, because I told you my story that I have a super secret I think there's less risk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Way less risk. I think it's weirder for a man to get, because you got to, because then, because see that's

the thing, if there's a dog going down on a guy and it's like licking the dick, the dick's just sort of flopping back and forth. Yeah. You can't really suck it. Yeah. But a tongue, it would go inside of a woman's vagina. A dog's too thorough. That, to me, is worse than having a dick.

I don't think it would go inside. Oh, no, it would go inside. Have you ever seen a dog? It takes, like, 20 minutes to go down on a woman properly. Like, how long are you going to get a dog going? Not when you're a dog, though. No, you put her down there. Yeah, when you're a dog, though. No, you put her down there. Yeah, when you're a dog, what is seven times 20?

Yeah. 140. It's like two hours of dog time. Yeah. You ever seen a dog in an ice cream cone? Yeah, they always bite at it. No, they lick it. Yeah, but then eventually they start biting at it.

No, no, no. It's only hard licking. And hard licking. Some women like a good hard licking. Yeah, they lick it. Yeah, but then eventually they start biting at it. No, no, no. It's only hard licking. And hard licking. Some women like a good hard licking. Yeah, they do. I'm upset. You started it. I didn't.

I did not. I did not. Actually, Jackie, I got something that you'll like. After being charged this week, the girl updated her Facebook page with an image containing the words, Hakuna Matata. It means no worries. No, you have all worries.

You have mostly worries. No, no, no. Not when you got a dog eating your pussy. And so far today, we've talked about dozens of people being blown up, dying in a fire. Don't give a fuck. And you're upset because this woman fucked her dog. That's crossing the line. Dozens of people died.

It's fireworks. That's an explosive arena to be a part of. Everybody has to know when you're working at a firework factory, it's not a factory. It was like a fucking straw mill. It was like a fucking straw mill it was it was like a it was it was like a well if your firework factory's made out of hay you got you got problems here's your sign yeah you need to go if your firework factory is in the mouth of a volcano you might be exploded by a firework fan. If you find yourself working in a type of place where you are packing different types of Roman candles.

You might get exploded. I got a doozy for you. I got a doozy for you. If a dog's licking your fucking pussy out. You might get exploded. Yo, fucking pussy out. You're not getting food. I got a feel-good story. I don't trust it. Do you want a feel-good story? I don't trust it.

Sure. It's about a cat beating an evil old man. Ooh. Yeah. Let's do it. Out of White Settlement, Texas. Uh-oh. I wonder who started that town.

Yikes. Wow. A city councilman. It's in Dallas-Fort Worth. It's a weird place. White Settlement. White Settlement. A city councilman is out, and the beloved library cat he tried to chase off gets to stay.

LZ Clements' final meeting as a member of the White Settlement City Council was Tuesday night. Clements tried to have Browser, the city's docile, gray, tabby library cat, fired this past summer. Browser got his job at the White Settlement Public Library when he was just a kitten. This was in October of 2010. He was recruited from a local animal shelter as an inexpensive,

effective method of pest control. In July, a city worker apparently demanded browsers removal after the worker was not allowed to bring a puppy to work at City Hall. I feel like this is a Hallmark movie where M. Emmett Walsh would start us. Yeah, he would be the old man and then eventually the cat. I love the cat! What if they just started fucking at the end of the movie? Stop it! I don't like puppies! M. Emmett at the end of the movie? Stop it. I don't like the puppy.

M. Emmett Walsh and the cat? Yeah. Wow. I don't like this show. He turned to E.T. Gray's house with his heart in three sizes because the cat learned how to start sucking some dick. M. Emmett Walsh definitely can only get blown and not fucked for sure. You gotta watch Christmas in the Clouds.

Christmas in the Clouds? It is an all Native American cast. It is a Hallmark Christmas movie. Yeah, because they fucking love Christmas. Except for M.M. Walsh. We made them love Christmas. M.M. Walsh is in it as well, though. Wow.

And he's against the Native Americans. Can you believe it? So he's racist in it? He's a drunk. And he misses his daughter on Christmas. Does that make some hate Native Americans? Well, yeah, he's got to do this tribe thing. What?

I don't think he would fuck a cat is all I'm saying. I don't think you followed the plot very closely. I don't know. I think you were pretty straight up hammered when you watched that. You were probably nine beers. There are ten plot twists in the movie. I'm not going to get into the entire movie. I'm pretty sure what happened is you were staring at a painting with Native Americans on it

while the actual movie was happening. And I'll tell you, somebody wouldn't like that painting of the engines, and that's my favorite villain, M.M.M. Walsh. They were real Native Americans. Every single one except for M.M.M. Walsh. I honestly imagine, to be honest, a couple of them could have been Puerto Rican. No, no, no, no. You sure?

I'm positive. Check the cast list. No, I saw their brows. How many Puerto Ricans pop up in a lot of places you wouldn't expect? Not in White Settlement, Texas. If you put a feather hat on anybody that's deeply Italian or really tan, they could double as a Native American very easily. I don't think so.

Native Americans, you can always spot them out. Yeah, Graham Greene's in it. They're definitely on the level. That's what I mean. They got the number one Native American. Who's Graham Greene? Graham Greene, he's played Native American in like a billion different things. Is he Native American?

Yes, he is. He's the guy from Maverick, right? Yeah. He's like, come on, everyone's looking. Pull it together. He plays the chef. Lou Red Elk. Yeah.

You know this guy. Yeah, I mean, these people are like Timothy Volley, Sam Vlahos, Mariana Tuscat. They're all Native Americans. They play great accents. Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying. Thank you. That Native American one he has is pretty solid.

The Russian was great earlier. Yeah, thank you. Did you do any others? No, that's pretty much it. The Russian was great earlier. Thank you. Did you do any others? No, that's pretty much it. That's a good two. Give us an Australian. All right. Yeah.

All right. Give me some. Bad. I like it. I dare you to do a Chinese person. Yes. Yes. Oh, yeah, that's right.

I can just say no. No. Christmas gift. Give it to us as a Christmas gift. Christmas gift. Or at least do some math. Okay, I can. Jackie.

Jackie. Jackie, Merry Christmas to you. It's a Christmas miracle. M.M. and Walsh can't like the Native Americans. They bought the Christmas shoes for... I want to buy these shoes for my mama, please. It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size. I hate this song.

Never heard that song. You've actually never heard Christmas shoes? No. He's an to be an orphan I wanted to join you I felt the spirit Can you hurry sir Daddy says there's not much time

You see She's been sick for quite a while I know these shoes Would make her smile Want her to look beautiful for quite a while. He's crying. I know these shoes would make her smile. Make her smile. Want her to look beautiful. What the fuck is this? If mama meets Jesus tonight.

Sorry, you just got punked. Mommy's going to hell. Christmas shoes. Is it about homeless people without shoes? It's about a little boy who wants to buy these shoes for his mother who's dying and doesn't have enough money.

So this guy gives him the money to buy the shoes. You'll buy a diamond woman's shoes? I would like to see the reverse of that song of the millionaire looking at the orphan thinking about, I'm going to buy shoes for this shoeless woman and that's going to guarantee me sex with this shoeless woman. Or the boy. Or with the kid. Yeah, Marcus. Yeah, you're in the Christmas spirit.

It's Christmas time, you know. You have sex with a boy. It's just a change. Or a dog. You've changed him. He was good. And you made him that. It's M.M. at Walsh's fault.

All right, it's time for a segment from Old McNeil. Whoa. Wow. Damn. Christmas, guys. Hold it, man. Are you ready? I am ready. I forgot. I forgot. We. Christmas, guys. Hold it, man. Are you ready? I am ready.

I forgot. I forgot. We came up with this. I was born ready for this. New Santa. New Santa Claus. It ain't going to be a bearded, fat, white guy. Do we got to change his name?

With presents. It's going to be something different. It's very open-ended. You can do whatever the fuck it is that you want. It's pretty vague and ambiguous. It seems to be the fuck it is that you want. It's pretty vague and ambiguous. And seems to be halfway put together,

kind of like slap sack. It's sort of a hackneyed attempt at a second. It's pretty much there's a new entity that arrives on December 25th. Who is that entity and what does he do?

Or she. Or she. In my case, it is going to be Aeon Flux. Oh! The MTV cartoon. Catches flies with its eyelids.

And she will show up and sort of sexually confuse the entire family, get everybody sort of a weird hard. Like make mom wet and make dad. A weird wet, but they're all sort of like bizarred by it. And a little boy and little girl too. Absolutely. Everybody flowers in a weird way. And everyone has to sort of look at each other kind of like the way Jackie was looking at Henry's nipples earlier, right?

We sort of give. She gives the gift of sexual confusion within the family, right? And that's sort of pretty much it. And she also, while it's all going on, she also While it's all going on She brings sexual confusion Yeah she brings sexual confusion So it is me It's like bringing Jackie home It's Jackie dressed as

I don't know if I can do that It's definitely a cat suit In a taut leather taut costume We could just paint you Oh paint me It'll be painted on this is my question. It'll be painted on her. But they don't end up, like,

flowering into having sex with each other. I think everybody just goes back to bed real weirded out. Yeah. Yeah, everybody doesn't... What it is is everybody doesn't talk

for the next, like, three days. I'm giving the gift. And no one can... Silence. And no one can really decide whether to masturbate or not. Yeah. So there's a weird tension.

Even eating is weird. Because they're finding sexuality in that. I think when in doubt, you should always masturbate. Sure. When I'm confused, that's what happens. Gavin? Well, you know, my Santa is going to be called Santa Ferret.

And this Santa is simply a ferret. It's a ferret. A ferret. A ferret. Not Santa Fairy. No, it's Santa Ferret, Jackie. You just went with, like, Grandma. It's like, fairy?

Is he a fairy? Oh, homosexual. Yeah, well, she goes straight to homosexual. He's trying to get on the phone. It could have been a fairy. Exactly. It's got to be clean. Fallon show for Christ's sake. Exactly. I can't be clean. This has got to be spick and span.

It's Santa Ferret. He's trying to get on Fallon. Fallon, if you're listening. It's Santa Ferret, right? And he shows up and he brings the gift of ferret. Because the thing about it is, nobody you know is ever mad when a ferret, right? And he shows up and he brings the gift of ferret. Because the thing about it is, nobody you know is ever mad when a ferret shows up. That's not true.

The ferret shows up, they run up and down your stairs. That's all they do. And your pet life. The smell is all they do. The smell is negligible. If you remove their urinary glands, then they're fine. Yeah, make them not piss. No, they piss.

Here's a good ferret that doesn't piss anymore. It took out its piss holes. Very easy to do. Yeah, they don't, they still piss, they just don't secrete. Exactly. They become like a water weenie. But alive. Santa ferret, of course, doesn't secrete. I mean, we're not animals here.

So, Santa ferret runs up and down your stairs. He enchants the children. He enchants the people in their mid-40s. He enchants your grandparents. And at the end of the day, sometimes when he stands at the top of the stairs, he'll knock over a little slinky. That's really accused for the world. This is a good family. Oh, man.

Oh, that's good. Oh, man, that's the one to beat. Mine is Lesante La Proche, and he is a Cajun Santa. Oh, Yoyona. Yeah, and instead of a sleigh and a reindeer. Say gumbo. He has a bunch of, I will, he has a bunch of alligators and a broken down pickup truck. Mina Hada.

Ah, Mina Hada. Mina Hada. Oh, could he have one of the river boats with the big fan? Well, that's only when you're going up and down the river, but of course he's got that. And then instead of children no longer get toys, they get crawfish and they get crabs and they get shrimp. Wet bags of shellfish. Holding hot gumbo. Gumbo, holding.

You know you're going to like your Christmas gift this year, little boy. I got you a whole poor poor boy. Me too, Doc. I got you Dr. John. Zedgy night. Zedgy night. You just heard, this is Dr. John. Yeah, Dr. John.

It's modeled after Dr. John, except he also plays the trumpet. Oh, okay. He's from after Dr. John, except he also plays the trumpet. Oh, okay. He's from New Orleans. How else are you supposed to see him come with all those alligators? I don't think he'll be able to beat Santa Ferret. But mine is kind of similar. It's gumbo and crawfish. You can't eat around a ferret.

It's disgusting. That is literally a Louisiana Walmart decoration come to life. It's just, Jackie, you have two, well, I would arguably three to beat here. Two to beat. The Xbox is a good idea, though. The problem is that once Kevin started talking about his, it's fairly similar to mine, but you know what? I decided not to fucking change it since he's the one to be.

Santa Raccoon Loss. So it's going to be a raccoon that comes. He's dressed as Santa. But instead of being a positive force, he's a negative force. He's the Krampus of Santa Ferry. That he goes through your trash and that, you know, your family comes over. You're trying to present the best part of yourself so you hide

all of your demons. So Sentra Kunz goes through your trash to find your demons to bring it out on Christmas Day. More of a message. More of a message. You know, like the pregnancy test that's positive from your 13-year-old child.

He's a whistleblower. Yeah, he's the whistleblower. He comes in, he's like, uh-uh. He's throwing truth bombs all over the place, but it's also a raccoon dressed as Santa. So it's like, you can't get mad at it for ripping your family apart. Because he's got little thumbs. He's got little hands. People don't like snitches any way, shape, or form.

It don't matter if it's a raccoon. It's not snitches. He's telling the truth. Yeah. And that's what I think Christmas should be about. What, blatant, powerful truths? Truths. Why are we lying to each other?

No, we're bringing the truth back to Christmas. Sandra Clunes. I mean, I don't know. He doesn't sound evil so much as he's a truth. He's a truth teller. A truth tart. A light bringer much as he's a truth breast. He's a truth heart. He's a journalist. Yes. He's a light bringer.

Mine's a little similar to mine, but I'm going to keep going with mine because I've already come up with the idea. It is called the Sklar. And what it is is a black cube with mirrored sides. That's similar to a monolith? That appears essentially if you bought an illicit flute from some sort of Chinese curiosity salesman. Like a Legend of Zelda situation. But dark.

A tornado comes. And you play a song like... Don't say it in front of all of us. Stop it. Stop. Don't sing the song. I feel like I'm in hell right now. The black cube announces itself Cenobite. In what way?

It just says, and it's very, very intense. And what it does do is it shows you your worst nightmares. And if you don't go completely insane, you get one wish. And that is to become a comedian with your twin brother? Yeah, I was terrified. That's what it was going to be the whole time. It was like the Sklar brothers were going to fucking pop out.

You boys like basketball? Yeah. I mean, that one's way too much like Eddie's, but... How is that like? You can feel it, and it's like a cold feeling, but it comes in the room. Something not human, not yet a god, literally shows you, spikes your head

onto the floor of a nightmare. I mean, I feel like it's an absolute duplicate of Eddie's idea, but Margus, what do you think? Cajun Christmas? I mean, it's an alligator heart. Man, it's definitely between Cajun Christmas and Santa Fe.

Yeah, sorry. I knew you already made up his fucking mind. No, I hadn't made up my mind yet. Oh, you made up your mind. I knew you already made up your mind. I hadn't made up my mind yet. Oh, you made up your mind. What to do? I hadn't made up my mind just yet. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to flip this Canadian nickel.

You're going to know what side it is. The ferret got a similar body shape to the slinky. I got flying alligators. On one side, we have an unknown Canadian man. Okay. On the other side, we have a beaver. All right. Can I be beaver?

You're a beaver. Okay. All right. I mean, a beaver is arguably closer to a ferret, but I will go with that. That's what I was going to say. How are you the beaver? Because I asked for it. Yeah, I think, is the beaver a marsupial? I'm sure it's beaver or beaver. Is closer to a ferret, but I will go with that. That's what I was going to say. How are you the beaver? Because I asked for it.

Yeah, I think, is the beaver a marsupial? Are you sure it's beaver or beaver? Is it just a beaver? Wait. No, the beaver is a rodent. It's a rodent. Yeah, it is a rodent. Actually, yeah, as is a ferret, so he should technically, he should be the beaver.

All right, fine. Be the beaver. All right. Let's flip the coin. What happened? Santa Ferret Fuck it I'm the beaver

Luck of the Irish The enchanted None of you are getting shrimp for Christmas I knew he was going to pull that Arguably the ferret could bring us shrimp Yeah Sure yeah Yeah it'd be fucking covered in ferret shit

And you know the song was Everyone loves a slinky But it should be addendum, also ferret. Also love a parrot, a ferret, a ferret. Hee-haw-hoo. Hee-haw-hoo. We are Jumbo Shrimp, here to play a game. Ho-ho.

We are Jumbo Shrimp We're here to play a game Merry Christmas everybody Good night Merry Christmas Go fuck yourself For more shows like the one you just listened to