The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 312: Boo Years Resignations

Episode Date: January 5, 2017

The gang is joined by Jake Young to learn about a dog who really doesn't want to wear a sweater, animals that are smarter than we think, and the popularity of their Jumbo Shrimp theme song.

The roundtable. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Alright, so we got this roundtable here.

It's the new year. I forget completely where we are regarding prayer. Oh, yeah. It's been a couple of weeks since we recorded. Why don't you just start us off fresh, Ben? Yeah, just get us fresh, Ben. All right, well, welcome to the roundtable. Hello, Jesus, or whoever deity, whatever deity you want to pray to.

Thanks for the wonderful holiday. We all did very well, and I gained a lot of weight, but then yesterday, I only ate half of the pizza that I thought I was going to eat. Oh. That was nice. So that means you ate half the pizza?

I ate half of four thin crust. Thin crust. There's a difference. Thin crust pizzas, and I love Domino's new thin. It was his body. It was his body. It's the thin crust pizza.

You can get it from Priest. What you do is, you take a dollop of tomato sauce, a little sprinkle of mozzarella cheese, put it on a communion wafer, toast that bad boy for like two minutes. Thin Christ. There it is. Why not? The Thin Christ pizzas.

I had two of those, and that was wonderful. So thanks for letting me consume you here so early on in 2017. And we'll have a great year. Amen. Amen. Wow, amen. So I guess I'm going to do the amen. Positive. You were so positive. That was fairly positive.

I was incredibly positive. You have been positive lately and I like it. Thank you, Jackie. I'm just waiting for that downfall. Well, there is nothing to fall from. That's the exciting part. Raise the lows, 2017. I noticed that Ben's been walking

on his knees lately, so that when he falls, it will not hurt him. Kind of a dwarf type thing. Dwarf. Remember dwarf? I remember dwarf. He was always playing golf. Other shit, too.

Didn't he do something? Yeah, he was on a boat. All the stationary sports. Well, right. He couldn't move that fast. He was never a dwarf on basketball or anything. That's true. Eric Dorf.

Absolutely not. Jake Young is here. You've heard him talk. Hi, I'm Jake. All right. Thanks for sitting in here, Jake. Fill it in for Kevin. Jackie, you're here as well.

I'm here. I've been eating a lot of gummy bears. Why? Been on a big gummy bear kick. The problem is that I've completely ripped up the insides of my cheeks. From gummy bears? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that'll happen. I mean, maybe it's a certain kind, but don't they make you shit big and bad? The sugar-free ones will destroy you. Don't do the sugar-free Hasbro gummy bears. Why would you do sugar-free gummy bears? There are videos of people... Are these like actual gummy bears,

not like weed gummy bears? No, it's actual gummy bears. I got weed gummy bears. Yeah, who doesn't? Oot, oot. A lot of people don't. But I don't understand. Anybody who does not like to

smoke or eat weed will not have gummy bears. Just get for sure. I don't know. It didn't cut you up. It's like lockjaw. You strained the jaw muscles. No, I think I just get so excited. Yeah, I keep chewing on my cheeks. You get more fat and then you keep chewing on it.

This happens to me. You think that's the gummy bear? I like to have gummy bears. I like to. And then you get more fat, and then you keep chewing on them. Yeah. This happens to me. You think that's the gummy bear. Well, I like to have gummy bears. I like to have one on each side of my mouth. And I think I just chew them so voraciously that I just keep getting my cheek in the way. Well, why don't you just, in 2017, it would be a good diet plan for myself. No gummy bears. Just chew on your own cheeks.

You get the same feeling of a gummy bear. That's what a cow does. That's a cow chews on its own cud. So you'd have a cow diet. I would be on the cow diet. I like that. And then I'm taking dumps in Central Park getting arrested. I like biting the heads off the gummy bears because I think I'm just showing the early

signs of being a very ineffective serial killer. Oh, man. When I was a kid, I used to bite the heads off of gummy bears and that makes them a little sticky. So I bite the heads off of gummy bears and put a bunch of them on my forehead. That is the most Marcus thing I've ever heard in my entire, I've known you so long.

And that is still the most Marcus thing. Very powerful. That's unbelievable. A little candy pinhead. It doesn't matter how anyone else eats gummy bears. Parents, buy your kids a Sega Genesis. This is what happens when they're that old. Are you kidding me? You don't Parents, buy your kids a Sega Genesis. This is what happens when they're that old. Are you kidding me?

You don't need to buy your kid a Sega Genesis. Just get him some Haribo gummy bears, and they'll entertain themselves for years. But you can't get the knockoffs, though. The knockoffs are bullshit. Oh, I disagree. What? I've always liked knockoff gummies. They're good if you heat them up in the microwave.

Anyway, we have to get through the roll call here. I'm so happy this man is back. He's alive. He was just in Iraq on the USO. Home, letters, home! I loved it! Anybody. I loved it in Iraq.

Jake, I have this. I loved it in Iraq. I told the soldiers, I'm like, you're dying for nothing. And then they said, fuck you, and I was like, you know what, here's my asshole. And I spread open my asshole. So you did that. And they tried to do the, when I said, let's. And I was like, you know what? Here's my asshole. And I spread open my asshole.

So you did that. And they tried to do the, I said, let's play the opposite ping pong trick game. And they threw ping pongs in my butthole. And I said, yay, war rules. So Elza, the ISIS leader, he brought you down to entertain the ISIS troops. War, war, exactly. Ed was training the soldiers. I was training, I was, I was entertaining ISIS.

We were both tainin'. We said, we called each other, we entertaining Isis. We were both tanning. We called each other at the end. We traded notes. And you were both tanning. Oh, yeah. Isis got roasted. You roasted Isis. Yes.

I literally set their garbs on fire. Wow. Yeah. Well, I can't wait to hear some of those bits throughout the show. Oh, absolutely. If you ever want to let us know what you said to Isis. Oh, absolutely. Very good. Well, thanks for being here, Ed. Yeah, man. If you ever want to let us know what you said to Isis. Oh, absolutely. Very good.

Well, thanks for being here, Ed. Yeah, man. I got poo-poo sick yesterday. Can I tell you about it? Of course you can. Oh, man. All right. So my buddy, Mr. Pastrami, gave me a pill.

Like a poo-poo pill. He was pushing on me like four days. It was a poo-poo pill. It cleans you out a little more. He said it wouldn't fuck up my day. Of course it would. I ate it. And, man, I was a nightmare. I went it wouldn't fuck up my day. Of course it would. I ate it and man I was a nightmare.

I went to the airport, leave an airport, Spirit Airlines go fuck. They had a line out the fucking door of the airport. I was standing in the street waiting to get into Spirit Airlines. They were literally coming out saying, if you go to Denver

you ain't going. I flew Frontier Airlines out of Denver and we were laughing at you Spirit Airlines people. It was the only airline slightly worse. Oh my God,

it was a fucking nightmare. So anyway, I go through all of security. I'm sick as shit. I finally, I'm about to puke after all day. Like I know it's finally coming.

I get to the bathroom. The only stall there is covered in piss. Of course. The only one stall? No, that was open. It was in the bathroom, and there was no waiting. Sure. So I'm puking, I'm puking, I'm puking.

Shit myself, middle of the airport. So right in there, no toilet paper. Now, for Spirit Airlines, that gave you a free flight. No. Flight is free. Oh, I see. Charging for the toilet paper. Now for Spirit Airlines, that gave you a free flight. No! Flight is free. Charge you for the toilet paper. Yeah, the only thing they had were those little things that you put on the seat

to put on. A seat cover. A seat cover. So I had to clean myself with that. That's not absorbent. No, no. At least it's something. That's not the worst thing. People are laughing at me and shit. You did this in public. I'd rather have aluminum foil. Yeah.

Did you not shut the door? I mean, I shut the door, but everyone could tell my pants. And by the way, I'm also wearing Adidas pants, not normal pants. Well, you're flying Spirit Airlines, so you're wearing technically by their standards a tuxedo. Wait, they weren't tearaways, were they? No, no, no. Because that's image. No.

But I just had to get that off. It was a nightmare. It was the worst poo-poo experience of my life. Okay, so this was pre-flight. Pre-flight. You've been sick on so many airlines. I'm surprised you're still allowed to fly. Every year around Christmas, I get violently ill.

Sometime around three weeks. In this situation, I just got to ask, what the hell were you thinking? You took a laxative. It wasn't a laxative. What was it, Eddie? It was like a supplement. It was like a vitamin supplement. But it's called a poo-poo pill.

Do you know what it was called? It's not called a poo-poo pill. He called it a poo-poo pill. I don't know what it's called. But if anyone gives you a gift or a pill called a poo-poo pill. We're all having fun here tonight, but let's just, if someone hands you Mr. Pastrami's poo-poo pills, don't put it in your body. Well, not if you're going to fly. If you have all day at home. I did have all day. I took it at

like 8 in the morning. I didn't fly to 8 at night. Oh, but that's exactly when it kicks in, Eddie. It's a 12-hour. Yeah, it's 12 hours. It was a fucking disaster. Wow. Well, that was a bad strategic mistake on your part. You didn't even have to be sick. I got talked into it. I think it was that and I hung

out with a bunch of kids. I think I might have actually got sick. I think it was the poo-poo pill, though, that made you violently poop in the Spirit Airlines terminal. Hey, ISIS. Does your name stand for I suck, I suck? Yes. That's the best I can do. Yes. You sure you don't know that?

Because I'm Googling poo-poo pill to make you poo, but nothing's coming up. Honestly, Marcus, something has to be coming up. Shit gold pills. Yeah, it's pills that you can buy so when you shit, it's gold. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, it's $425 a pill. Whoa. $425 a pill?

It's literally gold. It's more of an art piece. Hold on. We have to stop the show. I've got to do an online purchase. Are you telling me for $450 $425 isn't that, what was the name of it? It's alchemism. Is it alchemy?

Alchemy? That's where they think you can just turn anything into gold. Well, it's where you can turn lead into gold. This isn't really alchemy. This is just, nothing's turning into anything. You're just swallowing something that's going through a tube and then coming out the other end. But it's gold. It doesn't turn into gold.

Am I wrong that it's not gold? It is gold. Yeah, it just makes your gold. It's just shit mixed with gold. Yeah, that's all it is. It's just shit mixed with gold. You could achieve the same thing by just shitting in your hand and putting some gold in it and then just kind of rubbing it around. Then you have to touch it. It's disgusting. But what if

so is it actual gold? It is actual gold, yes. That's why it's $425 a pill. Wow. At fancy restaurants, they'll put it on like cakes. If I ever get money, I'm taking one of these every day. I think that's the coolest thing I ever heard of in my life. Flushing gold down the toilet.

Isn't that amazing? Hey, Isis. What? Spelled backwards, you guys a bunch of sissies. That's not bad. I mean, it was quick. Our religion forbids air horns, but rest assured,

we would be blaring them. That's very nice. All right. So the great story, Eddie. Thank you for sharing. Thank you. No problem. Time for your PlayStation Network shout-outs great story, Eddie. Thank you for sharing. Thank you. No problem. Time for your PlayStation Network shout-outs.

Yes, it is, Ben Kissel. I've loved this show for almost five years, and I hate this segment. Really, Jake? Tyler Ween says Scooby-Doober is a cunt kicker that likes Xbox. Oh, no. Vess Worls, shout-out to my wife who always sleeps while verifying fingerprints for the state. Wake up and make me some money. I don't know what it means.

Insult Yellow Wolf the worst way I can. Yellow Wolf, you're b-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r- I'm proud of being a man. Don't know what that said. Big round of being a man? Proud of being a man. I was going to say big, and I felt bad for big people. And then I was going to say brown, but that's racist. How would you think that would be? Right? That's more racist.

More racist. So big brown man is how you... So you covered it up by saying both. Yeah, you combined it. Proud? Like he's proud of being a man and big and brown. So that's the insult. Yes.

You really are just an artist. That actually might be the most racist thing I've ever heard. Just a verbal acrobat. Unbelievable how you avoided that obvious trap, but then you sort of set the trap and made it worse for yourself. I saw a documentary on autism recently. Guys, guys, hear him out. Hear him out.

I may be potentially on the spectrum. I'm not sure. Ben? Well, one thing's for sure. You and Jake Young have a great new podcast here on CCR called Wizard and the Bruiser. Oh, thank you. Check that show out.

So thanks for being here, Jake Young. God, toward nothing. Okay. So, Marcus, now we haven't actually gone over any of these news stories, so I have no idea what you're going to sling, but it's 2017. We've got to have a good one.

It's news to you. That's correct, Marcus. News to me. Yeah, we're starting off with a Florida story. Hey! Yeah, out of Tampa. Police in Florida say a dog named Scarface attacked a family who tried to put a sweater on it.

I love the family. I also have to love the dog, but I don't love the owner of that dog who named him Scarface. I think they tried to make him smoke cigars. And dogs have very sensitive lungs. Tampa police say the pit bull mix bit a 52-year-old woman who was trying

to dress it Friday, and her husband was attacked while trying to pull the dog off her. Police say the couple's 22-year-old son was then attacked while trying to stop the dog by stabbing it in the neck and head. The three people escaped the house and left the dog in the backyard. They all ended up in the hospital. Police say animal control officers shot it with a tranquilizer gun, but it managed to get back into the house where two children were.

Oh, my goodness. Police used a beanbag gun and sun gun on Scarface before catching it. So that means that both the mother and the father were attacked by the pit bull. And the son was attacked by the pit bull as well. So they just put the pit bull in the backyard, left the kids there with the pit bull, and went to the hospital and called the cops. But no, the pit bull, it was warm. Yeah, it was. I mean, it's also Florida.

It's Tampa, Florida. It's going to be warm no matter what. Why do they have dog sweaters in Florida, Jackie? Because they look cute. That's right. They do look cute. This dog actually did die like Scarface. That's very true.

Covered in cocaine. No, wait. Catch. He made it. He made it. Yeah, he made it. It's fine. Oh, I didn't know it lived.

Oh, they caught it. Oh, it. Yeah. It's fine. Oh, I didn't know it lived. Yeah, they caught it. Oh, if I attacked an entire family, the cops would just shoot me right dead on the spot. But fucking Scarface gets the velvet gloves. It's a cute dog and he can fit into a sweater. He's nice. I look great in sweaters. They cover my lumps. Well, so now the dog, now is anybody being charged with this dog's mayhem?

No, no, no. I mean, it's just a dog. You can't put a sweater on a dog and expect much good to come of it. Was it their dog? It was their dog. They didn't just catch a dog. I thought that there was another. Okay, but it seems like it's a family dog.

Yeah. Scarface doesn't seem like a safe name for a family dog. They usually call it Puddles or something, you know, a little bit more adorable. Was this an abusive home? I mean, I gave you all the information that I got. It was a five-member family in Tampa that owned a house. Yeah. It does seem like...

I mean, it's the type of people who get a pit bull and name it Scarface. Right. I mean, it seems like some sort of, like, crystal meth Christmas wrangling trying to get the sweater on this pit bull. There's something very rodeo about it. You know the woman was screaming profusely,

You, I'm going to put the sweater on him! Like right before she put it on him, and the dog fucking flipped out and tried to rip her throat out. And once they snapped, I mean, you remember what happened to the dog by my place. What happened? The one that went crazy and they had to beat it over the head with a lead pipe? Yep. They had to. Thank God you live

next door to Mr. Oh, they had to. Yeah, he lived next door to Mr. Peacock. And the one MMA guy had to choke it to death while whispering in a tear. I remember that now.

That makes it funny, though. Why you make me do this? I mean, for an MMA guy, he's literally killing his spirit animal. If I told you an MMA guy would be like, what's your spirit animal? He'd be like, a deranged pit bull who still wants love. Now, Ed, I represent big money Hollywood, and I would like to buy that story for a new movie I'm calling New Yeller. For the 21st century, a dog story that we can all agree on.

I like it. The dog was, in fact, euthanized by a Tampa police officer, Eddie Durkin. And then they put a sweater over the corpse just as a warning. Durky, the dog murderer. I don't like this Durkin guy. Well, he had to do JOB, I GUESS. CALL DERKIN. ALL RIGHT, WELL, JACKIE...

THAT'S HIS NAME, THAT'S HIS NAME. I HEARD THERE'S A DOG THAT NEEDS TO BE STOMPED TO DEATH. MY NAME'S EDDIE DERKIN. YEAH. HE'LL DO THE JOB NOBODY ELSE WILL DO. WE BETTER DEPUTIZE HIM. I DON'T AGREE WITH YOUR METHODS, DERKIN, BUT DAMMIT, YOU GET RESULTS.

ALL OF MY HAMMERS ARE COVERED IN GHOSTS. MY NAME'S EDDIE DERKIN. him. I don't agree with your methods, Durkin, but damn it, you get results. All my hammers are covered in ghosts. My name's Eddie Durkin. Best worst detective we've ever had. Oh, well, good for Durkin. Sad for the dog. Don't put sweaters on a dog in warm climate. I mean, it doesn't make any sense. No. I mean, that would make anybody go crazy. If you're hot on the

beach and someone starts to clothe you. Put me in sweaters? Why? Oh, my God. I hate when that happens. Doesn't make any sense. That would make anybody go crazy. If you're hot on the beach and someone tries to clothe you. Put me in sweaters. Why? I hate when that happens. Doesn't make any sense. That would be terrifying. It doesn't make sense. When I'm taking a hot shower and a masked man jumps into it with me and forces a sweater

on me, I go mad with rage. You're already hot. It's so heavy too. It gets heavy. Absolutely. Unbelievable. Jackie, how are you feeling? How was your break? I want you to just talk for five minutes straight. Give us all the rest. Just let the audience know how you're doing because everyone loves you.

I'm doing great, guys. Five minutes starts now. Mark us with the timer. I'm doing great. I bought a bunch of new bras. I'm feeling really good. I feel a lot of support happening. You can slow down. It's five minutes. You'll have to do it fast. You're right. So, you know, I was

just like, what am I gonna watch today? And man, did I watch a lot. I watched all of This Is Us. Fat girl in it, did you know? A lot of people have asked me if I watched it, because I am a fat girl as well.

And I said, no, I won't watch something just because there's a fat girl in it. And then I watched it, and you know what? It's garbage! And they're all trying to play up the fat girl in it, but I don't give a fuck. Eat less! Or eat more! Those are your options. Marcus, what time. Eat less. $4.23. Or eat more.

$4.23. Those are your options. Marcus, what time do we have? $4.20. $4.20. I've got weed. I've got to go smoke some weed. I've got to go smoke some weed.

We're smoking marijuana weed. We're smoking weed. Blaze it. I guess so. You can use the rest of your time later if you want. Okay, all right. I'm going to save it up. Save it whenever you Blaze it. I guess so. You can use the rest of your time later if you want. I'm going to save it up. Can I bring up some fucking bullshit? Yeah.

It's about the jumbo shrimp. Two, three, four. We are the jumbo shrimp. Here to play a game. Our song has set the internet on fire. I don't mean to say that in any sort of hyperbole. That is the truth.

But if you fucking go on their Facebook page, if you test the waters in Jacksonville, they'll all say, fuck the new name. We want the suns back. Look at the Facebook comments. The suns? Yeah. It was the boring suns. Jacksonville's never been hotter. No.

Baseball's never been hotter. No. Baseball's never been hotter. That's pretty good. Jacksonville's never been hotter than the Jacksonville sons. But you know what? What? They changed the fucking name. They changed the fucking name, and it's a better name, and you get better food because of it. But you got a bunch of people.

Every time the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp posts on their- What kind of food do you get? Fucking shellfish. Jumbo Shrimp. Jumbo Shrimp. of food do you get? Fucking shellfish. Jumbo shrimp. Jumbo shrimp. What's wrong with you? Jumbo fucking shrimp. I wasn't sure what kind of food it was.

What did you think it was? Spaghetti with meatballs? No idea. That was a fucking Italian fucking restaurant? I don't know. The Yankees don't serve Northerners. Paul looks so angry. He's beside himself.

Jackie, can you tell Ben that, of course, a team name of Jumbo Shrimp would serve Jumbo Shrimp? Ben, just in case you weren't under the assumption that there's an Italian restaurant in their studio stadium. It's not. It's seafood. They eat seafood there. And I'm going there on Wednesday.

Yeah. Oh, golly. Yeah, I'm going, man. To the game. I'm going to the stadium. I don't think they got games right now. No, it's the middle of winter. You can just drink, though.

Facebook Live that shit. That would be great. Okay, Holden, I apologize for interrupting you. Thank you. Go on with your jumbo shrimp. By the way, the Phoenix Suns, the basketball team of the Phoenix Suns is a superior sun. Jumbo shrimp's unique. I agree with you.

Yeah, jumbo shrimp's very unique. And I went to the Facebook page, by the way, and their Merry Christmas post, which was very nice indeed. Very nice. And some people are supportive. One guy named Nicholas typed in all caps, Santa dropped a Jack Shrimp 5950 hat in a box of Maine Jumbos for the freezer down there. Merry Christmas and goo shrimp.

Yeah. That guy does have a drinking problem. The next guy whose name is Robe Zeller. He said, worst name ever. Big mistake. And then the next guy commented, they'll find out once ticket sales plummet. I'm not going to watch a bunch of shrimp play. And then the next guy commented, we are the Jumbo Shrimp. We're here to watch a bunch of shrimp play baseball. And then the next guy commented,

We are the Jumbo Shrimp. We're here to play a game. Thank you, Callum. Thank you, Callum. I didn't like it until I heard them being so negative towards the term. So everybody. Embrace your new future. It's bright and beautiful, God damn it, Jackson.

They're the felt Trump, the Jumbo Shrimp. And by the way, the page is caught on. They love the new song. They've been quoting the song. They've been quoting the whip cracks, Jackson. They're going to fail Trump the Jumbo Shrimp. And by the way, the page is caught on. They love the new song. They've been quoting the song. They've been quoting the whip cracks, everything. It's amazing. The people running their publicity are the shit, and we need to give them support. So I just want to make a call to arms.

We need to sell them the song. There's our money. That was just the first mention of the Jumbo Shrimp. After that, there is literally 20 more people singing the Jumbo Shrimp song. It's great. So I've just called to arms. Get on there. Show your support for the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp and show these Jacksonville.

I don't want to say it. Lump boys. Stop it. I cannot believe. I mean, can we possibly call them Jacksonville Sons of Bitches? Yeah! Love it. Show to the Jacksonville Sons of Bitches that the name will stay.

That there are people across this great country that like this new name. Unless they want to change their name to the Jacksonville Lump Boys. Lump Boys actually now would be pretty great. Well, that's meant for like sitting. Yeah, that's true. And other people complain about the other awesome minor league team names like the New Orleans Baby Cakes,

but we don't have to get into that. But these are awesome names for teams. Stop it. I mean, who wants their... This guy is like, oh, I don't want a bunch of shrimps played. The Boston Celtics, none of them are freaking Irish.

No. Doesn't make any sense. Maybe a few Saxons. Maybe. Maybe. At most, a couple. Yeah. And please, just tweet at Jack's Shrimp to let them know that you support them.

Show them your love. Am I right? The Cowmen actually recorded this song. We recorded a sort of a demo. I wouldn't call it a final product. Is that out there yet? Oh, yeah. It's out there. But it's just a demo. It's just a demo. We're not ready to give it to the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp just

yet. We are going to produce something very professional for this, but we're just not quite ready yet. We'll wait for that. Jumbo Shrimp, go to, what was the Twitter again? Jax Shrimp. J-A-X Shrimp. And let them know their new theme song is coming, courtesy of

the Cowmen, and you guys are going to get a bunch of money. I don't understand. No one's bitching about the Montgomery Biscuits. The biscuit has a butter for a tongue. But biscuits are actually very good. They do have butter for a tongue. Everything you just said was great. Why would they complain? Well, it's tough because when you throw the ball, I mean, they stay on their bases.

How's a biscuit going to play some damn baseball? Biscuits kill way more Americans than any other thing in mascotness. And a jumbo shrimp. There is no way that. That is a lean protein. That is a lean protein. It is a lean protein. The jumbo shrimp have to be better hitters just because with your shrimp tail, you can really hit a lot.

But the biscuits, they have to have the best first baseman, the best catcher in the game. Can't throw out a guy, though. Terrible. What's the name? Center fielders? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Outlanders.

Outlanders. Put me in, coach. I'm ready to play. You're a biscuit. You're a damn biscuit. I see the biscuit as, like, the manager yelling at the team from the sidelines, you know? I love that they're just coming up with these team names now with our politically correct culture. They're just picking all these names from Denny's menus.

They're just like food campy. Are you saying you want to harken back to the good old days where they had names like the Brown Menace? Well, you know, I'm not saying that. I'm saying this in a positive sense. And the Kissin' Eskimos. I want to see the Tampa moons over my hammies. That's what I'm saying. The minor league baseball playoff structure is just going to look like a wonderful buffet assortment.

That's a great idea. Everybody should be named after the food where they're from. Oh, the Wisconsin cheese curd. I mean, they're already on cheese. The Packers. The Packers is basically a meat reference, I believe. They're foraging the way. But they have cheese on their heads.

Well, the fans do, absolutely. Pittsburgh sloppy sandwiches. The Philly cheesesteaks, of course. No, why not? The California tacos? I guess so. Well, that's construed as racist. The New York bacon, egg, and cheeses.

The Nevada meth crack heads. The New York Rubens Yes That could also be misconstrued as racist The Rhode Island flayed penises Because you're putting cultural preference into your food I wouldn't say so at all But the Ruben is also known as the New Yorker sandwich

Outside of New York City I'm not saying what I think I'm saying what they will say What those people think Ben imagines a baseball cap with like Rabbi Wahoo on the cap. It's possible. Jake, you're Jewish, so you can make that joke. And Ed, soon to be

Jewish. When's the big day, Ed? I'm going to go with the East St. Louis jizz-covered McDonald's hamburger. Specialty McDonald's. Because they come in the burgers. $6.95. I don't know if McDonald's is going to sponsor it. Minor League Baseball games are so fun. They are fun.

The beer is so cheap. So cheap. You don't care about the game. Ooh, what about the Daytona Tortugas? What is a Tortuga? It's a turtle. Turtle. Oh, all right, I'm in.

Big hitters. Yeah, Charlotte's got, actually, there's the Charlotte Stone Crabs. Whoa, what? It used to be the Charlotte Knights. They changed it. They changed it to the Stone Crabs. They're all going crust used to be the Charlotte Knights. They changed it. They changed it to the Stone Crabs. They're all going crustacean. I got to go to a game.

They're all going food. It's the common denominator. We all love just dead flesh in our mouths. I love it. It's so funny. This is great. This is what needed to happen a long time ago. People are going to start going.

Maybe. I would go watch the Stone Crabs, although I do prefer the term jumbo shrimps for sure if I'm thinking about teams that I want to root for. Man, I had the best stone crabs I ever had this week. Oh, boy. In Iraq? No, no, no.

In Lighthouse Point, Florida. Okay. You didn't have stone crabs in Iraq and then got in a plane. They actually cook pretty well over there. Really? Yeah. What was your best meal? The best meal?

I had prime rib twice. What? Where did they get the money? It's Christmas. It's the there. Really? Yeah. What was your best meal? The best meal? I had prime rib twice. Where did they get the money? It's Christmas. It's the army. They got money. It's the U.S. military. They got money. Well, we didn't even really clarify it, but you did go over to the troops this entire

holiday season. Yes. What were you there for? Eight days? No, no. I was there for two days. In and out. In and out.

Christmas Eve and Christmas. Just went and did some shows with Jeff and Gail Kim, the wrestler. I wrestled Gail Kim. Oh, that's right. Yeah, it was great. Yeah, she whooped my ass, put me in a figure four. It was great. That's painful.

Awesome. Yeah, I had a great time. Do they make husky-sized bulletproof vests? Yes. I'm asking for a friend. Good. Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God.

Yeah, you got to bring in the dignitary somehow. That's very true. Every year, Chris Christie wants to go eat with the troops. Yeah, man. I'll show you some pictures afterwards. I can't wait. It was nuts. Awesome. You know, man, I gotta bring it back to the stone crabs here for a second because it's not Charlotte, North

Carolina. It's Port Charlotte, Florida. That means that Florida is full of crustacean themed minor league baseball teams. Yeah, because stone crabs's a Florida treat. I was wondering why North Carolina was trying to get in there. Yeah, it didn't make any sense. Yeah, Clearwater, that's the Clearwater Threshers.

What's a thresher? Stone crab is a shark. That's a shark? A thresher shark. Well, that makes sense. I mean, obviously, there's a lot of ocean life around Florida. Yeah, they attack people a lot, but just nab at the foot a little bit. Oh, that's fine.

That's just a hello. Stone crabs are the ones where they just chop the claw off and then throw them back in the river to regrow it. Yeah, because the claw grows back. Gosh. It does? What a life. Yeah.

But you know what they did? They changed the law. You used to only be able to cut off one and throw it back, but now they're letting you cut off two. Well, then doesn't it drown? How are they going to jerk off? I mean, yeah, swim. Oh, man, the Florida fire frogs.

That's cool. Is there an actual animal called the fire frog that I've never heard of? I bet it's delicious. Oh, man, the Florida Fire Frogs. That's cool. Is there an actual animal called the Fire Frog that I've never heard of? I bet it's delicious. Oh, there has to be. The only other frog team I can think of is TCU. They're the Horned Frog, which is kind of a strange name. Oh, man, I wish this would have happened. The runner-up for Florida Fire Frogs was the Florida Sorcerers.

Oh, that's good. But then that could be misconstrued as mean-spirited towards sorcerers. That's true. This is great that they're trying to do stuff here. Florida is big. And I would assume minor league baseball is absolutely extremely famous in Florida. Absolutely. Yeah.

You have to be because that's where your friends play on the team and shit. It's so close to Cuba and all that shit. Baseball's crazy down there. They're letting all them in. You guys will have the best. Yeah, I mean, the jumbo shrimp are probably extremely successful, and the Cuban-Americans must absolutely love playing for them. Yeah?

Man, you got some of you. You got the Jupiter Hammerheads, the Lakeland Flying Tigers, the Palm Beach Cardinals, and the Pensacola Blue Wahoos. What the heck is a Blue Wahoo? It's a sexual act that is disgusting. Are the Pompadour Dogs gone? The Pompadour Dogs? Is that a minor league one?

Yeah. Yeah, I think they are. They were fun to watch. The Pompadour Miracle. Their mascot was a dog. Miracle the dog. Out of Florida? Out of Florida.

Yeah, I think they're gone. I don't like that term. What are you going to do? Pompadour Miracles? Yeah. Doesn't seem likely any time soon. I don't like that term. What are you going to do? Pompano Miracles? Yeah. Doesn't seem likely anytime soon. It was the miracle. The miracle?

Oh, the Fort Myers miracle. Oh, okay. They just moved up. All right. I don't like it, though. I hate it when they use a term like that with just the Minnesota wild. It doesn't make any sense to me. It's a miracle.

You're all not killing each other. It's Florida. Yeah, and the miracle logo is just an M with a palm tree on it. That's not right. And a little baseball where the coconut should be. I guess the palm tree's hitting it. Or growing it. Or throwing it.

Catching it? Who knows? I have no clue. Not catching it as well as a goddamn biscuit. Nobody in this room likes sports. Any verb will do. Anyone will do. Actually, somebody likes sports. Any verb will do. Anyone will do. Actually, somebody likes sports.

Congratulations, Eddie. Oh, boy, we're going to the playoffs. No shit. The Dolphins are going to the playoffs, man. It's so amazing. Everyone talks shit to me. Oh, man, and no respect. Still no goddamn respect.

Nobody respects the Ace Ventura team? I was watching, best thing that ever happened to the Dolphins. I was watching ESPN, and the Dolphins, they're in the playoffs, they're playing the Steelers, and everyone on the panel gave them 0% chance to win. That was a low percentage. That's a rough one. It's insane. It's still a game.

The game hasn't even started. Mathematically impossible. Come on. We just need someone to knock off the Patriots, and we're in. By the way, before this season started, my girlfriend was out in Reno. I love you, Jolie.

Just be good to me. That's all gone well. That's a bit of a wait. It happens in Reno. She's wonderful. 9.8. 9.8. Taking the. And 9.8. And 9.8. Digging the hole.

9.8. But we put 20 bucks on the Dolphins just to go to the Super Bowl. I would make 580 back. Wow. That's how much they were supposed to go. So if you're out there and you're not affiliated with any NFL team, you don't really care, I don't know, do some chaos magic or something and help those Miami Dolphins currently with a 0% chance of winning.

We made the playoffs. First of all, I'm just happy to be invited to the party. This is nice. This is a very nice time for the Dolphins. First time back at the playoffs in eight years. But ESPN had a fucking thing on. I know no one cares. They said all the teams in the AFC, they just showed all the teams but the Dolphins in the playoffs.

It's so funny. And I remember that one time they showed the highlight reel that one time we were watching a game. And every time they showed the Dolphins, they were getting tackled and defeated. They are so disrespected. I can confirm this. They are so, so disrespected. Also, Ben, did you just ask a bunch of people to jerk off on Dolphins jerseys? I guess so.

I have no idea. Marcus would know more about that. You carve Dan Marino's face into a black candle and light it and think about the Dolphins. I don't know. I'm just trying to help Eddie. It's chaos magic. You can do it however you want, baby. There you go.

I don't care. Let's just get this fucking team in the Super Bowl. That's it. Oh, my God. I'm going to change my gamer tag on Battle.net to the Dolphins. There you go. Thank you. I bet that's been taken, but yeah.

Probably been taken. Maybe Dolphins 69 for 20. That's definitely taken. Buy a Dolphin. That's a quote on my luggage. Science story? Y'all want to do a science story? I like science.

Everyone likes science. This is a scientific study story. science story? Everyone likes science. This is a scientific study story. Chickens are not as bird-brained as previously thought.

What happened? Jackie should get injected. Four minutes and 20 seconds left in your time. Do you want to fill this? I mean, I'm down. Is it, are they not as bird brain? I heard that when they look up and it's raining, they can drown. And I would say that that's probably scientifically proven.

They have to be in round cages or else they get stuck. That's a turkey. I'm thinking about turkeys. Aren't turkeys and chickens the same? I say stop classifying the birds as't turkeys and chickens the same? I say stop classifying the birds as different and make them all the same. I just watched Zootopia. I know how this shit goes.

I heard that's good. Birds are birds. Put the camels in the desert and together we can be one but all of us are separate and different. What if he's a city camel? Thank you guys. She has 3 minutes and 54 seconds left on her. I like Jackie's vision of walking into a subway and being like,

give me a foot long bird in Swiss. Very nice, Jackie. Good sentiment. What scientists found is that chickens are actually capable of greater logical reasoning than children, have distinct personalities, and even exhibit Machiavellian tendencies. Well, children are idiots. They're fucking

so stupid. They'd all be dead if it wasn't for us. They'd all hit their heads against the wall. Yeah, wait, wait, okay, fine. An adult chicken is better than a human baby. But I bet a baby chick literally does not understand what seeing is. Okay. They're just like, my eyes feel weird. I still don't know what seeing is.

Well, chickens were found to be masters of deceit, with males making food calls when no food was present to attract females to the area and clucking more quietly during courtship behavior if rivals were present. That's how Ed got Julie. There it is. 9.8.

Yeah, he started clucking next to a bunch of seeds. Not bad. Soon-to-be food. That's what I think of when I see a seed. I'll tell you this, Jake. I have something to refute your point. They also have a sense of numbers with even newly hatched chicks able to discriminate between quantities and do simple arithmetic. I think that these people are watching a series of chickens do completely chaotic behavior and humans are smart enough to interpret and decipher what they think is intelligent communications.

You're not a chicken psychologist. I don't know if you can speak on this. If you're a chicken psychologist, you are not a psychologist. I say if they're working together, we've got to separate them and keep them apart. Kill them all. What? You just wanted everyone to kill them all? Jackie, now you want to kill them all? Jackie, don't worry.

We're already on it. No, we're not on it. Jackie just did it perfect. We got that covered. Jackie just had a great utopian idea when it comes to chickens and overall wildlife. That's why we kill all the birds then, isn't it? Well, now this is really good. You're very lucky for a rigorous night here.

Pigeons, storks, flamingos, chickens, all in a big blender, and then we just make nuggets out of all of them. Well, that's not so bad. You ever shoot an ostrich in the head? No. I have not had the privilege. My father once shot an emu in the leg, blew it right off. Yeah! Yeah, yeah.

My five-year-old cousin was watching, or my five-year-old nephew at the time. My dad told him him and his, my nephew and his mother he's like, oh, I ain't gonna shoot it. I'm just gonna scare it out of the cotton field. And he shot the bird right in the leg and just blood went flying

everywhere. You gotta grill that thing right where it stands. Oh, I agree with you. Texas Goodfellas. Yeah, Texas Goodfellas would be a hell of a reality show. Just killing all the emus. That is a miracle shot. I mean, those legs aren't that big. They're big enough.

I mean, he wasn't trying to hit it. That was the problem is that he was actually trying to miss it. He was really just trying to scare the thing away. But no, instead blew its leg off. Just shoot straight in the air. Well, then the person wouldn't think that you were actually trying to hit it. It's a fine line. It's a fine line.

It's like when you have to blow a free throw at the end of the game. You've got to miss it because the time's about to run out, but you just make it on accident all the time. Are we a sports podcast? Jackie, it's as sports as we could possibly ever be. Let me have my little bit. I give it to you. I give it to you. I always make a sports analogy. You always make, I forgot, old Ben Kissel. Sports analogy

Ben. It's like in cricket when you take the billy bog and you put it up the referee's... What? Mouth. You put it up his mouth, so I guess he would be on the ground then. Or hanging upside down. Looking down.

Yeah, upside down. So you hang the ref up by his ankles and you stab it up his throat. Oh, I've solved a mystery. And then you put a log in his mouth. That's what you do in the seventh period of cricket. Yes. Every game. Well, it's a European sport, so I'm not going to

criticize it. Wait, wasn't there like that chicken that had its head cut off and it still just walked around for a year? For a while, yeah. That was a recent story. That's a dumb animal that can just walk around without a brain. So dumb it don't know it's dead. It did not walk around without a

brain. It walked around without a face or a beak or a chin, but it still had the brain. They missed the brain. Whoever couldn't kill the chicken should actually be the one to eat. Actually, it was another chicken high on bath salts that ate its face off. Oh, that's the worst thing if chickens would find out how delicious they are. Oh, they know about it. The chicken communication is actually quite complex.

It consists of a large repertoire of different visual displays and at least 24 different vocalizations, which they use to attract a mate or sound the alarm for danger. It still won't be the smartest thing I've ever eaten regularly. That's a pig. Pigs are extremely smart. And extremely delicious. Yeah.

I would love, I don't understand how it's not legal to own pot belly pigs in every city, in every state across the union. I thought it was legal. No, you can't have one in New York City. What? They get huge. They're gross. No, they don't get huge now because they bred them so you can have your-

No, that's a thing. That's a lie. No, that's not a lie. Teacup pigs do not exist. Yes, they do. Well, let's see what the North American Pig Pet Association says. Please, God, I want them on. We got to get them on every show we've ever had.

I would love a pet pig. I would love one. My buddy had one, but he was kind of abusive towards it. It was a nightmare. He just kept taking bites out of it. Like Homer Simpson or something? That's not right. I keep buying this slab pork belly from the Polish stores, and it still has the nipples

on it. You've got to cut the skin off. It's got the nipples on the bottom of it. Man, it's so fucking good. Do you saute the nipples? No, you cut the skin off on it. You got to cut the skin off. It's got the nipples on the bottom of it. Man, it's so fucking good. Do you saute the nipples? No, you cut the skin off of it. But you don't keep the nipples at all?

I mean, I like to play with them. You can fry them up. Get some nipple cracklings. Sometimes there's a little milk left inside. Really? It's like hairy. I cannot judge.

I mean, I eat meat all the time. I'm happy that you're able to be close enough to your meat where you can see the nipple. That would creep me out. I'm not going to lie. I think I would name it and bury it. If I see an animal's nipple, I would name it, no, Gipple's the nipple pig, and I would have to bury it. I would just be horrified to eat it.

Gipple's the nipple pig. Drink to your dreams. Update the wiki, guys. There's a new hit character in the round table lore. That's it. But then I just order Domino's pepperoni pizza and be like, it's fine. But it's the same thing. You can't look at it.

You want to do a new story? Yeah. Let's do one more story. What about the Pig Association? Oh, the Pig Association? I mean, they're all for pigs. They love pigs. I hope so.

I mean, they've got a whole board of directors. Pam Menezes, Cindy Inman, Dana Boyle, Anna Garcia. All female board of directors. What do they know about these pink rivers? Pink rivers? Yeah, the pink rivers and all the pigs all shitted. Is that a metaphor for something? No, no.

They have rivers outside of pig farms. All the lakes are pink and shit. Oh yeah, that's pollutants and it comes from the farm waste and all those things. Is it like pig period? I mean, look at a pig period. Of course pigs have periods. Pigs go through menopause. I don't think that's true and they also don't pretend to

be a grandmother just to get the kids back. It's not Mrs. Doubtfire. I think every mammal has a period. We can talk about this. I would go ahead and I would say that too. Jackie, you're the resident woman. Marcus, can you please count? Oh yeah, mammals have periods. If you got an egg in you, you

don't bleed. If you got live babies, you bleed. You got all of it. I know all about this. You see, you gotta diaper up your pigs. You got to diaper up the squirrels. Because, man, you're sitting underneath a squirrel and she's perioding all over the place. Man, we're some bird shit.

We call that the crimson drizzle. Three minutes, 39 seconds. And beyond primates, it is known only in bats and the elephant shrew. Females of other species of placental mammals undergo estrous cycles in which the endometrium is completely reabsorbed by the animal. That's called covert menstruation. Oh, yeah. Secret.

So you don't get eaten by other animals. Yeah. That would make sense. Yeah. So I think it's only primates who bleed. All right, there we go. I was correct. That is the title of my book.

Well, dogs get it. No, dogs don't get it. Dogs do. They eat. Yeah, oh yeah, they bleed. You got to diaper them up. I don't want to talk about it. But bats have periods.

Isn't that the wildest thing? That's where they hang upside down to keep it in them. And that's going to be in Christian Bale's new Batman. He gets his first period, and the Joker comes in and laughs at him. And that's going to be in Christian Bale's new Batman. He gets his first period and the Joker comes in and laughs at him. And it's just not good. That'd be great.

They're like on the rooftop. He's like, but did you know bats get periods? No! Oh, by the way, I killed your parents. Oh.

Oh. Oh. No. No. What's worse? What is worse? All right. Not having parents or having parents?

Getting killed. Being a bat who wants to be a man or a man who wants to be a bat, but then you also get a bat period. Oh, that's true. If you do get a hold of bat period blood, that is like the most potent dark magic you could ever pull off. That is true. And Holden, the answer to that lies from, yes, owner of lonely heart much worse than owner of broken heart. Or is it the other way around? Owner of lonely heart is worse than owner of broken heart. Or is it the other way around? Owner of a lonely heart is better than an owner of a broken heart.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Owner of a lonely heart. Much better than an owner of a broken heart. Yeah, all right. It's better. Yeah, I think they're mutually evil or sad, right? They're both sad. One's worse.

Yeah. Well, owner of a lonely heart, it's a counter to it's better to have love and loss than to have not known love at all. I see. They're saying that it's better to have not loved at all. That's a sociopath. Well, I mean, you could get a dog.

But when your dog dies after you put a sweater on it and then you have a broken heart, then you're the owner of a broken heart. No, the dog won't go nuts if you don't have a family. I see. All right. Well, a news story? Yeah.

A man in central Germany tried to leave his house by the front door only to find a brick wall there. Unidentified perpetrators in Mainhausen near Offenbach had bricked it up during the night, police told local media. It could have been built within minutes, they said, and the motive is unclear. Possibly a joke, an act of revenge, or a bet. A police spokesman told the local Hessenchau news portal. It reminded me of the building of the Berlin Wall.

That went up pretty quickly, too. But it's a crime and no joke. Isn't that wild? No walls in Germany. I like new Germany. I like shenanigans, quaint Germany. Way to go, you guys. You turned it around.

Same thing with Japan, too. They're all happy and shit. Wild. So what happened? They got all the atrocities out of their system. Yeah. Yeah, he woke up one day and he tried to open his door and there was a brick wall there.

That is hilarious. That is a great joke. So what, he had to go out the back? Yeah, he had to go out the back. And all his friends are like waiting

in the bushes in the back door being like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Look at him. Annie's going to be five minutes late to work now. That's so unofficial. Very German joke. Silly inconvenience. It's ridiculous. Funny story about my great aunt.

I never met her for a weird reason. Turns out she was rounded up by the government of a weird country in Europe. But I hear she was very lovely in the short time she was alive. So what, do you hold a grudge or? No, I'm just saying I'm glad they turned it around. So what are you trying to say here? I'm saying they turned it around and it's new Germany. Turned around

from what? Guys, quit circling, Jake. Quit circling. What are the chances that Ben's father grandfather rounded up your great-grandmother? A greater percentage than the Dolphins winning the Super Bowl. Yeah! So a very, very little chance because the Dolphins are guaranteed. Still little, but a bigger chance.

One percent. Guaranteed to win the Super Bowl, the Dolphins are this year. Oh, my God. I'll be accepting your I'm sorry cards come February 5th. I'm sorry cards? Yeah, yeah, for the way you've been treating my boys. That's right. Don't go into Ed's bathroom.

The tub is filled with I'm sorry cards. Strange thing to bathe in. Ed's also in the tub with them. Covered it up, slathered it up. Straight. Yes. The words I'm sorry written on slices of ham. Well, when do the dolphins play Eddie

Is it Sunday We play the Steelers And we beat the fucking tits off From last time we played Alright well let's see If they've regrown those Like stone crabs

Like stone crabs Alright watch that game Alright time for a segment From home and now Boo Boo years resolution That's right Instead of a new years resolution that game. Alright, time for a segment from Home and Nelly! Boo Year's Resolution. That's right. Instead of a New Year's Resolution, it's a Boo Year's

Resignation. You're going to... Wait, Resolution or Resignation? I couldn't decide. Choose the one you wish to be in the world. I believe Gandhi said that. Choose to be the change you wish to see in the world. And he would go to sleep with little girls. He was. But he would go to bed with tiny girls. Oh, a world blind. But he would go to bed with tiny girls.

Oh, I'm hungry. I bet he said that. I am. And I am hungry. They didn't have any food, so all the girls were tiny. There you go. We'll get back to it. We'll circle back around to that. They were very young. He means young, not tiny. I see how you'd be confused.

I see that, though. So mine, it's choosing a thing that you wish to do to be worse, a worse person, as opposed to choosing a thing to better yourself. Mine personally is I'm going to try bath salts. Not bath salts. Fake weeds. Oh. Spice. Spice.

Originally, I was going to say bath salts, but I'm like, that's insane. Yeah. Spice, though, I can easily get. It's the same thing now. Yeah, at bodegas. It makes you a zombie, though. Yeah, one day, and then tomorrow, I'm sure I'll quit quickly. Where are you going to go when you do it?

Bed-Stuy, Big Pete's, or whatever that place is. Big Boy. Big Boy. You're just going to do it outside the store? With the guys that do it, yeah. Where else would I do it? You do it outside the store, underneath the stairs that go up to the Myrtle Broadway JMZ. That's the place.

That's where you do it. Yeah, there's always an ambulance just waiting there for the next Spicehead to pass out. So there you go. You're protected in that sense. Cool. You got people, fun people to do it with. I mean, I'm not going to just go sit around with like, you know, a bunch of Nancys and do it and have them all be all like, let's go to sleep now. It's 8 p.m.

You know, and I'm fucking ripping a guitar solo. I had friends that did K2 and Spice like all the time years ago because back in the day it actually was synthetic weed. Yeah, that was like smoking weed back in the 60s. It's like different. But they found a chemical, like a synthetic cannabinoid, that was legal to produce and they did. Salvia.

Salvia. Salvia. Oh, I fucking love salvia. Salvia's different. I had a legal to produce. Salvia. Salvia. Oh, I fucking love salvia. Salvia's different. I had a real good time on salvia. Salvia's also illegal, though. They banned it. Sure the best. I turned into a gear, and then I became unstuck from the world

and rolled across the room. My basement became a forest that then melted away, and I got to walk around freely on the set of Sesame Street. I shot up from the couch up into the atmosphere. Yeah, so good. And all of this happens within 20 seconds. 20 seconds, and it's over, though. And you're clear.

It's just like God told you a joke, you had a hearty laugh, and then you're just like, ha-ha, and then you're back. I agree. I think I had a similar experience, but I liked it being over. Panama City, 2004. We were doing what we called cannonballs. It was a bowl of salvia, a bowl of weed. This is the most Ed story.

It was a bowl of salvia, a bowl of weed, a beer, a shot of whiskey, a line of Coke, and whip it all under a minute. I hope you were wearing pirate costumes with a bunch of wooden planks that you formed into a big ship when you did that. Yeah, just every time, cable. It was great. So Jake, what's your boo year's resignation? I feel like I've been spending too much time trying to find clean bathrooms, and this year I'm just going to shit when I need to.

Cool. Subway on the way as I walk to shit when I need to. That's a great idea. I did it yesterday. Nice. You know, I'll have to, like, find some sort of, like, portable wiping solution. Obviously, I'm not a monster. Your own underpants. Yeah. And then just always not a monster. Just keep your own underpants.

Yeah. And then just always keep a fresh pair of underpants in your pocket. Yeah. And some bags, some deli bags. Yeah. Or you could just wear diapers. I don't think I'm going to curb myself. Not bad.

Good for you. Yeah. Bing Kissel? So, no, this is a resolution to make you worse as a person. Or make the world worse. Make the world worse. You, the world, whatever you want it to be, by the way. Oh, man. I was, like, really trying to... want it to be, by the way. Oh, man.

I was like really trying to, I wanted to lose weight, of course. That's cliche. So I wanted to gain weight, but then that would be bad. Let me- You should make other people gain weight. Make other people gain weight?

Ooh, yeah. That's pretty good. That could be kind of fun. Man, can I have a second here? Yeah, no problem. All right, Jack, go on. Jack, you're not. I'm having a hard time here. I just can't believe you're trying. I'm no problem. I'm having a hard time here.

I can see if you're trying. I'm so happy. It's counterintuitive. It's counterintuitive to what the New Year's resolution is. I'm trying to wrap my head around the whole idea. Because normally, Ben would just be like, oh, bad books, books bad, or something. Just two words just popped out of his mouth. But you really put an effort in.

And we appreciate it. Yeah, we appreciate it. I would inject all diet sodas with the regular soda. Whoa! That's good. And then so people think they're losing weight, to your point, and then they'd actually be gaining weight and wonder why. I don't think they necessarily lose weight by drinking diet soda.

I don't. Diet soda's worse for you. I have no clue. I really don't. I like where your head's at. I'm trying to get there. Thank you. Yeah.

I'm bringing pantsing back. Yay! Yay! I just think pantsing people is so funny, and I think it's time to start. You got to watch out for the people. I mean, you got to really look at what's going on. You're going to get covered in a chocolate thunder. That's fine.

I think I would deserve it. If she catches me at the right moment, though, she could be fine. I mean, especially in the summer, you gotta look for those stretchy shorts, man. So just beware of me, because I'm coming at you. From New York City to Butte, Montana, the world is going nuts for what the kids call pantsing.

Who started this new trend? Me! I was still wearing big lipstick. I was still talking like lipstick. I started talking like this because Pantsy and Jackie is a happy girl. So you're Fancy Pantsy and Jackie. Fancy Pantsy and Jackie. Fancy Pantsy and Jackie.

Fancy Pantsy and Jackie. Oh, thank you, boys. Get your hands off of me. Give me the pants. Give me the pants. What a gal. Ed Larson, that's the one to beat. I don't think he has it.

I'm going to say it right now. I predict he doesn't have it in him. Ed, what do you got for us? Orca Veal. All right. See, I wasn't thinking dark enough. That's so stone cold. Well, you know, they're not allowed to do their shows anymore.

They're still in the tiny cage. Let's eat them. Let's eat them. Yeah. You shoot them in the head, you dry them out, you cook them on a grill. Oh, I'd eat it. $2,000 a burger, Ben. If you get the bullet, you win a free extra orca burger.

Can you get a fat orca? What do you mean? They're at SeaWorld. They're not working no more. No, I know, but they're mostly muscle, aren't they? The last orca shows That's why you gotta veal them up? Yeah, yeah. Veal them up. You put them in there and then you grind it up. Now here's the thing. We're not having steak.

We're having burgers here. There's also the extra cruelty because this means you're gonna have to build some sort of horrific orca milking machine. In the ocean. In the ocean. No, no, no. We're taking the ones that are out of work at SeaWorld. There's only eight of them.

You said veal. Veal is a very specific gross process. And you got to milk the mama orcas in whatever contraption. You can figure that out. We take the ones we got. We put them in a tiny cage so their muscles are all soft. You can figure that out. We take the ones we got, we put them in a tiny cage so their muscles are all soft, and we chop it up, we eat it as cheeseburgers.

$2,000 a burger, it's a fundraiser for Miami Dolphins. Can we foie gras a couple other ones? The real sick fuck. Then you're making the world a better place for rich people and dolphins. The dolphins are owned by Miss Gloria Estefan.

Okay. All right? Mr. Jimmy Buffett. You didn't say it was for the Miami Dolphins. This is a fundraiser for Miami Dolphins gear. Are you the one buying this gear? I'm going to give it out to everyone so we can build a fan base. Like a dumb Santa.

We get no respect. It's because no one wears the gear with pride. I see. It's just such an angry shade of green. I'm going to give it to all the poor people, and they're going to become Dolphins fans. So you want poor Dolphins fans today? Absolutely. Bring down the ticket prices.

You're like Kid Rock for Dolphins games. It is like Kid Rock. Which one of these is going to make the world worse? I don't know. Fancy Pants and Jackie sounds like it's going to make the world better. More of a fun chaos. It's fun chaos. I mean, I think Jake walking

around town shitting everywhere is going to make the world a bad place, at least New York City. I'm taking this show on the road. I'm shitting across America. Shit walking Jake, I'm going to town near you. It's the only way to defend against Pansy. Ooh,

Shitwalking Jake and Fancy Pants and Jackie both come together. No, yeah. It's diametrically opposite things. You guys are gonna have to fight each other. Our two armies amass and I'm like, we've already shat fancy pants in Jackie.

Your army is useless. And then slowly, all of your followers just grab clothing pins and pinch it on their nose. Oh, yeah. And we know we're fucked. I don't give a fuck. You both win. Yay! There it is.

All right. Well, that's the first roundtable back here in 2017. Thank you guys so much for listening. Let's see. Do we have any announcements? I know we've got a couple of fun things happening here, so just go and rate and review us on iTunes. All these shows are doing amazing here on CCR. Listen to Wizard and the Bruiser.

Well, I was going to plug it. Jump on over to Games and Hobbies. Find us. Yes. No, Wizard and the Bruiser. Check out the brighter side, Sex and the Human Activity, obviously Top Hat last podcast and

page 7 page 7 so yeah thank you guys so much welcome to the new year and I think we're gonna keep on trucking along and keep this show going

yeah slap some butts that's it and find everybody on Twitter you know who we are so just figure that out and we'll talk to you soon for more shows

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