The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 313: Scenes From A Walmart

Episode Date: January 13, 2017

The gang is joined by Carolina Hidalgo to talk inter-species baby making, have an oreo eating contest, and pick what sort of merchandise they'd sell at the Round Table store.

The round table. Gentlemen. Aye. Let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? I am a quail. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Does anybody want my Spawn notes? Actually, yes. I would love them. Thank you so much. Eddie, you have to pray, by the way.

All right. In the name of the Father and the Son, the Holy Spirit, Catholic prayer. Amen. How you doing, Ma? You doing good? Hey, Eddie! Hey, Eddie! Hey, Eddie. I'm doing great.

Did you know Jesus is Jewish, Eddie, like your dad? I know he's Jewish. That's the whole thing. Yeah, I'm thinking about leaving him. What do you mean, leaving Jesus? Yeah, I've been fucking him, Eddie. And I'm thinking about leaving him like I left your dad. Remember?

I remember it kind of like the other one. Yeah, well. He's not white, Eddie. I know he's not white. Of course he's not white. Eddie, was your dad white? I haven't seen him in so long. You know what?

It's hard to remember. Yeah. Anyway, Eddie, continue praying to me. That's all right. I'll Talk to you in a month I'm eating donuts Eddie You know you can get diabetes I'm in it's over I think she is smoking cigarettes

I think she is taking up smoking cigarettes That's not right The only character I've ever done Eddie's mother in heaven. In heaven? Absolutely. In heaven. But I think she is smoking.

Yes, probably. Why not? Of course. Who cares? All right. This is the round table. Eddie, you're obviously here. Jackie is gone.

Jackie's gone. I'll tell you what. She's down there in Jacksonville right now. Yeah. She said she's going to go to the stadium, drink a chug of beer out front. That's kind of nice. But I got to say, this jumbo shrimp thing, I keep reading about it. I keep ordering shrimp.

I'm eating too much shrimp. I'm eating shrimp left and right. It's an expensive habit. Well, we got to tell the people what's happened here. We got a freezer full of jumbo shrimp. My fucking feet are the size of pumpkins. Lexi went out and got us a bunch of jumbo shrimp. My fucking feet are the size of pumpkins. Lexi went out and got us a bunch of jumbo shrimp. We're going to be eating that soon.

And don't worry, you will see pictures of it. If you're talking about what I'm saying, I kind of want to do a little bit. My fun shrimp. Rice noodles and shrimp. Bunch. I get it because it's the quality of your food. Can we fill people in? I want to make it a little bit of a surprise.

I'll just say this. You do it. I have direct contact with the jumbo shrimp people. You do. I do. Direct contact. It's probably just one person. It's one person.

May or may not be a woman. May or may not be a lesbian. May or may not be a jumbo shrimp. May or may not be a living, talking jumbo shrimp. It's great if they are. Yeah, I hope they are. Wow. Either way, they are a Holdenator.

Team Garfield. Yeah. A little fucked up. Feel a little fucked up about that. I hope they are. Wow. Either way, they are a Holdenator. Team Garfield. Yeah. A little fucked up. Feel a little fucked up about that. They might make the majors if they like Heathcliff a little bit more. They don't want to be the majors. Yeah.

They work with the Marlins. I'm a Marlins fan. This is like so convenient for me. It's unbelievable, right? We've got a real cool treat coming for everybody soon. Let me just say that, okay? They are 100% down with the round

table, 100% holding haters. Garfield thing's a little messed up, but we'll change that. That'll be fine. Just as soon as front office approves it, then we can reveal it. There you go. I hope it's shrimp. What's the big reveal? You know what it is, Ed. What's wrong with you?

Are we talking about the secret text conversation we all had? Oh, man. With the picture of it? Yeah. We can't talk about that? I want it to be a surprise. We can't talk about it? Buckets and buckets of shrimp.

It's not shrimp. You know it's not shrimp. What the hell is it about, then? Holdenators, hold! Time for your extensive PlayStation Network. Wouldn't make any sense. Nyada! Shoutouts.

Sonimus Prime says, can I send a shoutout for Roundtable? Yes, you can, Sonimus Prime. Shoutout to Ben. Good. Shoutout to Ben. I would let him poop in my tub. So I think he's also accusing you of something to Jackie and Ed

I loved your version of rhythm is a dancer on page 7 and Holden play overwatch with me Holden Edders ho and then we have from there wasn't really a ho there Kenner I'm thinking that's Kenner

yeah 1384 I'm off the cuff right now by Yeah. 1-3-8-4. I'm off the cuff right now, by the way. These are coming in fast and loose. I don't know. There may be obscenities that we don't want on the show. It's a screen grab you're reading. Shout out to the lowlife Pirates Captain Weirdbeard,

Av Satanus. So I think that's some sort of code. Av Satanus. Yes, think that's some sort of code. Av Satanus. Yes, we read you loud and clear. Dude, you know how the fucking people talk to the devil? People talk to the devil all the time. What is Av Satanus? Hey, Jesus.

No, no. Okay, well, he said the devil's coming over. The devil's a saint. Technically, he's a saint. I love him, Addy. He's a hard worker. He's Addy. He's a hard worker. He's a guard. He's a prison guard.

We all know this. He's not a bad guy. He's got a bad job. You do it for a week. You're just yelling at me. I don't know. I pray that she is somehow able to get a hold of some nicotine lozenges or a patch because I think that she is having a hard time with those cigarettes.

Fern672 says, you fuckers have taught me so much. Yellowwolf says, hope you had a good Christmas and New Year's. Oh, and he wants our address. He's going to send something to us that's more of a private thing. 1093 Jackson Avenue, Long Island City, New York, 11101. Someone sent me something and I didn't get it. Oh, it's over on the couch. Yeah, all right.

What was it? I bought everybody Trump t-shirts and no one's wearing the goddamn things. I bought two Trump t-shirts for Eddie and Marcus and no one's wearing them. You didn't wear it. You said nothing to me about a Trump t-shirt. Well, because you don't like them. It's way too big. Well.

Stub Wolf says, Holden made a shout out. Holden, shout out. Holden, I need more Wizard and Bruiser. Last podcast on the left in Seattle was great. Also, someone fainted. Oh, they did? What happened there? I didn't hear about that.

Somebody fainted. Was I speaking in tongues? What are you doing in this fucking operation? Someone always faints or pukes or shits themselves at these live shows. That kind of crowd. It's a wild crowd. It's a biker's kind of people. I like the crowd, Eddie! It's like that scene in episode what is it, four of True Detective

when they go to the biker bar. God, I love that. That shit. Dude, that guy's terrified. They're all doing crack and shit and then they go fucking in the ghetto and rob. Yeah, man. It's crazy. Well, I don't. Crack shouldn't be as punished as powder cocaine. CCR is too ccr is too ccr is too good bitches says ps lucas the spicy has no neck and i'm just going to do one more

thank uh from a special request from mr andrew parker he says tell mandy i'm gonna sploosh her goosh and come come on her bum bum. Also tell... Come on. That's what he said. This is the guy who's trying to hit on a chick through you? I don't know what's going on here. Also, tell Kissel to bring back hot stuff. That's hot stuff. Also, Holdenator's ho. Thank you.

That has been your fucking you-don't-deserve-it PlayStation nyah. All right. Very nice. Carolina, Carolina. PlayStation. Yes. Very nice. Carolina. Carolina. Oh, God.

Carolina Hidalgo is with us. We've known each other so long. I know. Well, I always mess up the intros. Carolina Hidalgo is with us. Thanks for being here, Carolina. Oh, thank you. Thank you for having me.

I didn't even know we were recording. I thought you guys were just like, just yelling shrimp and fucking the devil and stuff. No, we haven't. Now, apparently, this is a show. This is a show? It just began when you started talking devil and stuff. No, we haven't. Now apparently this is a show. This is a show? It just began when you started talking. All right. It begun.

Let's edit it that way. Sometimes I do call the boys, though, and just tell them PlayStation shout-outs. It's very effective. It actually does. Off mic, yes. I'll just find out what bar Ed is at, and I'll just run in, throw a bucket of water on him,

and then start screaming PlayStation Network shout-outs. I don't like them. Well, I don't know. Shout-outs. I just was reminded today when I was thinking alone at a bar, Trump tweeted at me one time. Yeah, I remember that. Oh, what?

And I just retweeted that Trump tweet. What did he say? Very excited. Great job, Ben. Thank you so much for your support. Oh, this is bullshit. I'm dead serious. This is 100% serious.

I'll show it to you on Twitter. Yeah, I is bullshit. I'm dead serious. This is 100% serious. I'll show it to you on Twitter. Very aggravating. Did it have like a backslash sarcasm thing? No, it hurt my career. No one was happy with it. But yes,

I'll show it to you right now. He saw you on Fox News and you said he won the debate. He won the debate because he called Jeb a toadstool

or a douchebag or criticized the size of his balls. It was after the debate and Ben was one of the very few people to come out in support of him. He said, thank you for your nice comments on the debate. You're going to hell, Ben. Well. You are going to hell. Hey, I'll make you.

Not even the good kind. The pedophile kind. Hey, Ben, I'll make you in hell. I'm at his mom. Don't talk to him, Mom. I fucked the devil. Don't talk to him. And Jesus said, I can't.

He's going to steal your money. He made me go to hell. He's going to steal your money. He doesn't have any medicine. He said the devil was coming. I said, I will go. Go to sleep. Quitting's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Who knows? Wild. But yes, so I feel good. Good. Yeah, good for you. Sometimes you think about when a president tweets you. There you go. Powerful, Eddie.

Powerful. God. Ben Kissel is hard as nails right now. Ben Kissel has a fucking firm erection in his pants right now. Yeah, and now it's not even that, like, you know, a president for the first time talked about a sexual fetish in a press conference

today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a germaphobe. Believe him. But now we've got the first president talked about a sexual fetish in a press conference today. Yay, he's a germaphobe, believe him. But now we've got the first president to have ever tweeted at Ben Kissel. Barack Obama's too good for it. Well, that's fine, Obama. Yeah, I'll take President Trump. Thank you. He's just so classy and worthy of the role. Well, if he tweets at me.

I mean, we've been doing this show for six, seven years. That's true. This is worthy of the Oval Office. I mean, we're making waves all around the world. I'll be the secretary of shrimp. Oh, yes. A shrimp sack. Oh, we got two, three, four.

We are the Jumbo Shrimp, here to play a game. Oh. I listened to the song twice today. Did you? Yeah. It's great. Yeah. I sung it in the shower this morning.

There you go. Marcus, you're my head of lobster. Woo. Yay. Hey, thank you. This is a Ben Kissel's world. Now, this is like my nightmare come true. Yeah.

Hey, what's the planet look like? What a dumb, dumpy white dude controls it? Well, Carolina? Whatever the fuck I want to say. You know what? I think it's going to happen. Your name gets mispronounced by everyone when it's dumpy white guy. And they laugh at you, even though I'm the one who's dumb. We can start off the story with something It's a Bit of Trump's World.

Oh, well, sure. Yeah, it's just like, what's going on? Get there. A West Virginia man confessed to following female shoppers around Walmart and squirting them with a syringe containing semen. Ooh. His semen? His?

Actually, we don't know that. Yeah. That's a good question. We actually have a question. He might have a pet dog. Is there somebody missing, like, all of his syringes full of semen? I've been collecting my semen in syringes for 30 weeks. Where the fuck?

Oh. I feel like it has to be his own just because you're dealing with, like, a limited timetable before it solidifies. Yeah, that's true. Unless you, I think if you refrigerate it, it might be able to stay alive. Does it coagulate and the water goes to the top? Is that what happens?

As the only woman here, I believe so. That is scientifically proven. You said it could have been his dogs, but I'm wondering too, does dog semen look like a man's semen? Let's see. No. It does.

That was too fast. I think pig semen is a lot more watery Pig skin is like human skin The semen isn't like humans But they produce They produce a lot more than we do After about a week Mine looks a bit more like birch

It's reddish I'm going to be on Tucker Carlson's show on Fox News coming up in the near future. What color do you think Tucker's coming? Is he more of a clear guy, pearly whites? Looks like Michelob. I love Tucker. Tucker's a great guy.

I want to see swabs. Tucker's a great guy. He's a wonderful guy. His show is terrific. Tremendous, tremendous, man. Tremendous show. It's a great guy. He's a wonderful guy. His show is terrific. Tremendous, tremendous man. Tremendous show. It is a tremendous show. I love Tucker.

Timothy Blake, 28. I always said, Marcus, this is what I've been saying. I'm a Ted Bundy conservative. You're a Ted Bundy conservative? What the fuck does that mean? I don't know. That has sour implications. Well, Timothy Blake, 28, was arrested Friday by Ohio cops investigating a pair of vile incidents involving women, quote, getting an unknown material sprayed or thrown at them by an unknown male.

Blake pictured here. This is the guy right here. He looks like the guy. Yeah. No, he actually doesn't. I have to totally disagree. He looks like a normal dude who works at Silicon Valley. You know, he's got an amount of weight to him that makes him seem as if he has a wife that dated him 20 years previous. If you pan down, though, he's covered in cum.

Covered in cum. But I don't think that does look like your traditional cum thrower, does it? He does look like a creep. He looks like that kind of guy who would ask me out and I would reject him and then he would throw cum at my face. Okay. One of those cum thrower guys. I would imagine someone more scraggly with longer hair, a little bit more over set.

He's scraggly. He hasn't shaved in days. Well, he was in jail for a couple of nights, I would assume. Now, I mean, that was immediately after being arrested. In early November, a Walmart shopper told police that a creepy man lingered near her in the store's makeup aisle. After the man passed by her, the shopper, quote, felt something wet on her foot and lower back. The woman then went to the bathroom and, quote, tried to wipe the material off her, but it was sticky. I'm kind of surprised with the stickiness that it would shoot out of a syringe so

readily. I would think it would be difficult. I don't think it's a needle needle as much as it's like a syringe you would feed a dog with medicine. You know, like a rubber top with a big hole. And after a few minutes it does set in and does get sticky. Yes, it would get sticky. I've heard.

By the way, rubber top with a big hole is Eddie's favorite Google search. Yeah. And we don't know exactly what that would bring up. What? A rubber top with a big hole. We're seeing Google Images says. It is a picture of, it's me, Eddie.

No, there it is. It is just a rubber top. Yeah. Oh, it's like little beads that you make little bracelets with. And a salmon. And a salmon. Perfect. Yeah, there was a salmon there.

Yeah. Fascinating. What would be the motivation behind throwing your ejaculate at random people? I mean, it's the hottest thing I've ever heard, but also, yeah. No, but what's the motivation, though? I mean, why would you want to do such a thing? You go into Walmart, and that's what you do. Yeah.

That's Walmart. That's Walmart. Better than giving them money, those fucking Waltons. Well, that's true. Well, I support Walmart. You do? Yeah, because it was the place I went to play Mortal Kombat 2 in high school. Alright, that makes sense. So they put an arcade

out of business, took their arcade, and then you went to play them at Walmart. And we were trading fatality codes up in Walmart. And then afterwards, you go to the toy aisle and reminisce about how much better your life was when you were a child and you had freedom.

Come on. Continue. Cry. Make it make it. He's taking my fuck. He's taking my fuck.'s taking my fuck that's my fuck you've been fucking that's my fuck he's trying to take my trademark that's your trade but you can't trademark the screaming the word fuck when i yes uh he tried to trademark, I'm loving it. Hot stuff. That is true. He did many years trying to. No, he first tried to trademark, I'm loving it.

And we told him he couldn't do that. So he went to, I'm enjoying it. That's right. And by the way, by trademark, I mean that he's tried to say, trademark, no trademarks back. As if that was a legal way to maintain a phrase as your own. I wish it was. I'm enjoying it. Well, let's give him that fuck.

You get a new fuck. Okay. What's your new fuck? He doesn't get a fuck. That's not a fuck. That's not a fuck, you idiot. How? Because.

It was a moan. You gotta say the word fuck. Oh. I'm sorry. It's called fuck. I'll try again. Ooh. Fuck, boy, you're not saying fuck.

Ooh, pretty lady. It is a different way to do it. It's not a different way to do it. It's not the same word. It's not done yet. Pretty lady. That's not fuck different way to do it It's not the same word Pretty lady That's not I don't curse on the shows

I don't curse on this show Pretty lady It's a pretty lady now Lady It's his own artistic interpretation of it It's my version of it Him snapping and singing the words Pretty lady or his

interpretation of the word fuck Contemporary art museum he sees a canvas painted all blue and he points and laughs at it You know I'm saying is that spot on paper you dumb shit you're in the bathroom. That's not art No, there's that you're in your yard, and he pulls his penis out, and he shows to an old lady There's no You're in I'll show you art And then he pulls his penis out And he shows it to an old lady

Goes to Walmart God's art God's art Well speaking of the Walmart story This guy first claimed When he was caught That he was throwing Egg yolks at people

Oh that's a good one That's smart What would you rather Carolina Egg yolk or sperm Egg yolk I mean Well it depends

Who has it been sitting there I don't know Sperm doesn't smell. Well, it depends. Who has it been sitting there? I don't know. Sperm doesn't smell that bad. Old egg yolk is nasty. Yeah, old egg yolk is pretty nasty. I think, yeah. Egg yolk is much more, in my opinion, egg yolk is more disgusting to throw at somebody. Oh, right, sperm.

God. Oh, my God. I'll take your sperm. I'm weird with eggs. I'm weird about eggs. Really? In particular, yeah. Sometimes it just smells like fart. I don't like hard-boiled eggs. I'm weird about eggs. Really? Yeah, because sometimes it just smells like

fart. I don't like hard-boiled eggs. I don't like when the yolk is hard. Gross me out. It makes me want to throw up. I like scrambled eggs and fried over easy. Okay. And a soft-boiled egg. That's when the yolk is runny. The cum is runny? The yolk

is runny, is what I said. I did not almost say cum. You said it. I know I've been eating a lot of eggs in my shrimp may fun. What? They have eggs in my Chinese shrimp dish that I've been eating. Lots of eggs. Well, why are you eating so much shrimp dish?

I told you, because I'm fucking obsessed with the Jacksonville jumbo shrimp. I'm hearing the damn song over and over again, the Jacksonville jumbo shrimp. And by the way, on the Facebook page now, on the Jumbo Shrimp Facebook page, they think that all of us and all of our fans are getting paid, are paid shills, that are like advertising the Jumbo Shrimp. These Jacksonville Suns fans are infuriated.

The fucking Poughkeepsie dumb shits? Who the fuck is paying us? They honestly believe that our fans are paid fans by the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp. Yes. Oh, they do. Yes. The old fans of the Suns. Yeah. Which they are. Ah, yeah.

Well, there's so much money to go around in Trump's America. I think we probably are getting paid. It's just every single thread is just you you just see it every single time. My favorite one is just when people write three, two, one, and then underneath that comment, you've got everyone doing the thing. Oh my goodness. It's phenomenal.

Isn't that exciting? So they're into us. Why aren't they paying us? Because they don't have any money. They're a minor league baseball team. Can anything be pure in Trump's America? Can we not just love a thing and support a thing without money being involved and dead children? Yes.

That's actually a really nice thing, yes. Thank you. If you could edit in the Forrest Gump soundtrack Under what I just said I love Forrest Gump He's so smart, Jimmy He's so smart Hey, there's a bald bird up there Oh

This guy After he said that it was egg yolks, when police advised that they had, quote, had the material tested, Blake then admitted that it was semen in the containers that he was squirting at the buttocks of women. Blake, cops say, admitted to entering a single Walmart store on about 12 occasions and squirting this material on women. The defendant, according to a criminal complaint, stated on about four of those occasions he had squirted semen on women

and the other times he had used egg yolks and flour or spit. So he mixed egg yolks and flour together to make a semen-like concoction. I am never eating Eggs Benedict again. Because that is gross. Is that it? Yeah. They throw it at your ass?

Yes. They do? Yeah, They throw it at your ass? Yes. They do? Yeah. Eggs Benedict? No, this guy. Is this guy's name Benedict? Eggs Benedict. You guys didn't know what Eggs Benedict is?

Yeah, it's when you go into a restaurant, you pull down your pants, and they just throw eggs at your ass. Ben Kissel's never been to a diner ever. I have never left a restaurant more hungry. Apparently no one's been to a diner. Turns out they throw all the food at your ass. Apparently Ben Kissel's never been to gay Paris. I've been to gay Paris.

I just feel bad for that semen testing machine. Poor machine. Well, I think you're the taller lady. I love my job. Hey, Annie. Jesus said with any luck you'd reincarnate me as a semen testing machine. Oh, you're not taking my job, old lady. Hey, Eddie, I got a job for you.

Kill the semen testing machine in Hoboken, New Jersey. Ma, I'm not going to kill the guy. You know, he's just trying to do his job. No, the machine. I want to be the machine. Oh, I'm not going to kill the guy. He's just trying to do his job. No, the machine. I want to be the machine. I'm getting caught a fool. That's the thing. It's so sticky it stays in your body.

Rest in peace, Mama Kathleen. We love Mama Kathleen. It seems like bubble gum. This guy used to masturbate in his vehicle and then ejaculate into the syringe. What's wrong with this guy? Sometimes he would do it in the Walmart bathroom, ejaculate into the syringe. What's wrong with this guy? Yeah, and sometimes he would do it in the Walmart bathroom, ejaculate in the syringe, and then go around squirting women with it. What the hell is that?

I'm not going to lie. He does not look that abnormal. Well, he had access to syringes since he owned a farm and he inoculated animals. Damn. It hurts to be right. Feeding those pigs with them syringes. Oh, it's disgusting. And then we're eating all that.

That's not right. Do you think he fed any of the animals his own company? I would assume he doesn't give a flying shit. Yeah. Sounds like he's a barbarian. You gotta practice it. You gotta practice on something. You already come on a pig. Yeah. Actually, I kind of want to see that. He probably turns part of the farm into a little Walmart

restoration, right? It's all like built like a tiny Walmart and he dresses up. There's a little McNeely playing a little con man. He dresses up the pigs farm into a little Walmart restoration, right? It's all built like a tiny Walmart, and he dresses up. There's a little McNeely playing Mortal Kombat. Right, he dresses up the pigs in little old lady costumes, you know? Facts, I'd like to buy some jeans and lobster, please. Wee! Wee! Wee! How do you plan on pigs? And a GoPro, if you don't mind.

Wee! Wee! Would you mind developing these photographs? I don't like what this guy is doing. I'm just going to say it. Yeah, none of us like what he's doing. That's implied. But the visual is there, and that's the gift that we give to our audience.

Yes, a middle-aged man squirting semen out of her. Fake Walmart that he built in his own farm with pigs dressed like fat Walmart employees. Yeah. Semen thing. It's just, what is the point? It's a sexual thrill. It's like an, it's a exhibition type thing. But he's obviously not hard anymore.

Yeah, he already came. Right. So what's the thrill? But then he comes next time to the memory. To the memory of putting the cum on the... Man. It's a vicious cycle. You come to the memory of coming on into a syringe and squirting it onto a person.

But... A vicious cycle. So it's just a vicious cycle. Hit him in the head with a hammer. Yeah, I mean, that would be fine. He just doesn't look like the kind of guy who would do it, but that's fine. He did to me. To you?

Yeah. Isn't that strange? Weird looking guy. He did to me. To you? Yeah. Isn't that strange? Weird looking guy.

If we were on jury duty together, I would be, you know, I would say guilty until proven sperm in my face. You know, he'd have to throw it at me so I could believe he could do it. Next story. Did he yell something fun? Ha-cha. You just got gooed. Fuck. Fuck. I'm enjoying it.

Get over here! He does the Mortal Kombat, you know. Get over here! Sub-Zero, you've been sentenced to four years in prison for throwing your cold cum. Get over here! On people. I did love Mortal Kombat. I loved it, too. The mystery

surrounding it. You'd go to the arcade. The only way you could find out how to do stuff was by going out to the arcade and having other people creepy old men tell you while you played the game and they give you back rubs and stuff. I don't think that was normal. No, that's not normal. Right. Oh, fuck.

Was it a breakdown? Walmart had an effect on me, and I probably need therapy because of it. I think back rubs are better than front rubs. Okay. Oh, I don't know. Who rubs your front? I like a good front rub where you can look at it in the face. What are they rubbing?

Your stomach and your front shoulder. Your pectoral muscles. Oh, weird. Yeah, you get it in there. No. No. I don't like doing it in there. No. No. I don't like doing it to myself.

I couldn't imagine. You don't like getting your pectorals rubbed? It's nice. It is very nice. Don't touch your fucking... Everyone's touching themselves. Yeah, bizarre pterodactyls who are... Lexi never puts on gloves and massages your breasts? Well, we don't bring up Lexi anymore.

They look like werewolf gloves, though. They're not like... Well, we can't talk about Lexi. She's threatening to leave him. I heard she was threatening to leave him. Again? Yep, she's threatening to leave him. Our relationship never been better.

We got two rooms in the apartment now. It's perfect. So she has more distance. Distance and time. That makes a good relationship makes. Distance and time. Trump did tweet at me. Trump did tweet at me. We know. It's a fact.

Want to move some monkey news? Yeah. A male snow monkey has been observed attempting to have sex with a female deer on Japan's Yakushima Island in an unusual example of interspecies mating behavior. I love it. He's lonely. He's lonely. He finds a deer.

You just, you know, why not? It's cold over there, too. Yeah, it's super cold. It's only the second recorded example of sexual relations between two distantly related species. Well, maybe the deer was in a monkey costume. We didn't ask these questions, do we? We don't ask these questions. That's a good point.

Men fuck horses. I mean, there's that. But the men aren't in the horses. They're supposed to be the smartest. Yeah, but the men aren't wearing a horse costume. It's not a man in a horse costume. Men are just having sex with horses. Yeah.

But this is a gorilla having sex with a deer. No, this. Men are just having sex with horses. Yeah. But this is a gorilla having sex with a deer. No, this is a snow monkey having sex with deer. The ones with the pink faces that take baths together? Yeah. Yeah. Snow monkeys and these deer, they generally have a symbiotic relationship with the deer eating fruits dropped from the trees by the monkeys, and the monkeys grooming the deer and occasionally riding on their backs.

Here's a picture of a monkey riding on the back of a deer. So he's riding his back? They're lovemaking. Is he fucking it or is he running? It's a baby deer, dude. That is a young deer. I mean, I know the monkey's smaller than the deer, but he's definitely older. No, I think Sika deer are very small.

Oh, is that? It looks young in the face. Yeah, well, it does. It does. Forever young. Well, I think that's great. It's cute animal friendships, but like the porn edition. I don't see a problem with this. Everyone always says cute animal

friendships, but like what happens if they're more than friends? Then everyone turns it off. But I think that's exciting though, too. Does cum across the board look the same? I think semen across the board does look pretty similar. No. Iammal-wise. No, no way. Like, no animal

has, like, black cum. Are you nuts? Maybe a chow. All my fucking ex-girlfriends, right? Black cum. Because they're evil? Because they're bad. They were bad to me. They cheated. All of them cheated. They were too attractive for you.

But now, of course, you actually ended up with a beautiful person. Thank you very much, Ben. Thank you for walking that statement back. Very good. What's Marcus wincing at? What is happening? Well, Yahoo answers. I typed in black semen just to see.

You got to be careful with that search. And the question is, when I jerk off, my sperm is black? What does this mean? That's too dead. Was that like a killer whale or a person? It means your sperm matters. What the hell is wrong with these people? One guy says, sounds like dead blood cells.

I would see my doctor. You're going to die. You're going to die right now. Yeah. It says the possible causes for this in a healthy male could be the introduction of blood into the semen due to some type of a trauma to the seminal vessels. Get checked out. Native American vessels. Yeah.

Oh. Oh. Oh. F-L-O-R-I-D-A-S-T-A-T-E Florida State, Florida State, Florida State. Woo! And officially, you have graduated. You couldn't spell the name of the university.

So now this is your degree in being a dumb fuck for the rest of your life from Florida State University. I'll have 90 chi, chi, please. I got my bachelor's in partying. You got your bachelor's in theater. Yes, I got it in theater. I didn't go to school.

But you were at the drug dealer already. Honorary student. And you went to community college for a year, right? Two years. Well, actually, I just like went and wrote for the paper. I didn't actually go to class.

Look at us now. They said we couldn't do it, but I got tweeted at by Trump. There you go. And we're talking about semen. Black semen. Yeah. Oh, wow. He was talking about piss this morning, so fuck it.

So relative now. Wow. I found an artist, a rap artist whose name is Black Semen. Oh, that makes sense. His album is called Real Talk. Oh. Well, I would love to hear some of that real talk. Yeah, well, the track listing is Battle Rhyming.

Track two is BS. Track three is Da Beat. Track four is Hold Them Thangs. Maybe about groceries. Hood Enough For Me. Track six, If I Could. That features Nadia. Track seven, That's The Way It Is.

Track eight, Nadia's Making A Comeback. Too Many People. There you go. Isn't that kind of fun? That features beans. Maybe there'd be less people. So it's Black semen featuring beans? Yeah, and that's B-E-E-N-Z.

Black semen featuring beans. I knew it was a Z. Hell yeah, dude. Got to name the things after what they see in front of their eyes, huh? Now, is it black semen or black zeeman? It's black semen. And beans. Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah. Always got a fun shirt there. Amazon.com. How do we find that person on iTunes? Are we going to plug this guy? We're totally going to plug him. I would love to. If we could listen to any of black semen and beans.

By the way, we're getting paid for this. Oh, yeah. Huge amounts of pay. It's a tremendous episode. Yeah, I'm going to make a real risky click on videos on black semen. All right, let's check it out. Your computer will never be the same. Oh, my goodness.

Well, I found a band called the Uranium Club that did a... The Minneapolis Uranium Club, they did a song called Black Semen, but that's pretty much all we got. So he has no uh record of music uh i'm not sure all right hey everybody we call the black semen black semen black black black i like it it's good i was just passing through chicago i'm mr big watch poison as a matter of fact mr big but B-B-Big, but you're the B-B-Biggest. Are you beans, and are you by any chance black semen?

Oh, my God, my semen is night dark. Yeah. Beans, I love you, but black, I'm going to need to see your semen. Absolutely, sir. Just if you could whip that out. I have a big contract. In no way am I a homeless person who just came upon your house. Could I see your semen?

Can I ask a question? Sure. How slippery are your hands? Slippery is the hands that I walked here on. So feel free. Do you need to use my palms? Absolutely. Turns out you are.

Quicker than usual. I'm sorry, this is white semen. And I was looking for black semen. You just gotta wait an hour. Are you still beans? My name's beans and I'm here to say, Mom and Dad, I'm gay. I've been gay ever since I've known what sexuality was, and I'm coming out to you right now. Beans, spill the beans.

Turns out we're looking for a gay Beans. We had a straight Beans, but no one liked him. And this has been Scenes from a Walmart Everybody Thank you Good job Good job

Powerful Powerful I mean ever since I did Ed on last podcast On the left I've got the acting bug You should try out For a mod team

Am I You're I am No You have to That's good Always ask a question And definitely say no Okay you ready Am I? You're it. I am. No. Always ask a question and definitely say no. Okay, you ready?

Where are we? No. Perfect. I think he's got it. Every Tuesday night for three hours you'll perform and you have to pay us. So the rules have been proper no but. Yes. No but, ask a question. Any other scenes?

You are a pretty lady in... No! Where are we? You're a pretty scary bitch. Where are we? Nope. I've never had more fun in my life. I love comedy.

Ben Kissel presents... No. No problem. No. Yeah. Nope Kissel presents No Problems. No. Yeah. Nope. No problem, mom. Nope.

Can I not get a suggestion from the audience? Can actually the audience shut the fuck up for the next five minutes? We'll sit in silence. Nope. I love this. I would honestly watch that show forever. Carolina, do you have an improv suggestion? Yes, I would this. I would honestly watch that show forever. Carolina, do you have an improv suggestion? Yes, I would like...

Oh, I thought you were going to say no. Okay, okay, okay. You're a proctologist, okay? Yes. Oh, oh. Okay. Wow. Okay.

That's great, that's great. Not bad. And I come in with my penguin pet thinking you're a vet. And I ask you to take care of my penguin butt. Yes, yes, yes. Okay, okay, okay. And then what happens is that you go in. Nope.

Where are we? You fucking idiot. That's amazing. I love improv. Wow, I feel good. You're a pretty lady. What? No. Where are we?

I'm in heaven. I'm in heaven, Eddie. I know. Yes. I know you're in heaven. Okay. Did you know Mother Magdalene? What?

She was a... Who? Sex worker. Oh, yeah, Mary Magdalene. I called her a prostitute. Why'd you do that? She's nice. No, she said...

No, no, she's nice. She's like the one that's good. I don't know, Eddie. Why? Ma, stop it. I don't know, Eddie. Eddie's pretty funny, though. And I love him.

No. No. God damn it, guys. How long have we been doing this fucking show for? About eight years. About eight years. Honestly, if you did listen to nothing but Roundtable consistently, you would think we never left this room

and forget about all the time we had in between these conversations. They would think we went mad. Nothing has happened. Nothing. Honestly, nothing. Should we pray? Whatever you want to do.

If you want to. You want to hear more about the monkey and the deer? Of course I want to hear about the monkey and the deer. The paper published in the journal Primates describes how a low-ranking male monkey was observed repeatedly performing sexual mounts on at least two different female deer. One doe was seen to bolt and run off, but another female did not appear to object and licked her side after the monkey ejaculated. He's an opportunist. I guess so.

Yeah. I think I'm happy for this Japanese monkey. Yeah, why not? Why not? I think it's totally fine. It is fine. There's no way to make a baby there, right? No.

No, no, no. You can't. A monkey and a deer cannot make an offspring. Well, why not? So there you go. Safe sex. Now, could this monkey fuck a gorilla? That is the safest of all the sex.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Make a monkey with the gorilla? I don't think a monkey can fuck a gorilla and make, like, a monkey gorilla. A gorilla? Why can't it all just go together? I mean, sometimes it does. I mean, there's mules.

Yeah, exactly. There's a horse and a donkey, right? Yeah. But I think that's as far as nature allows it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They stop at mule. Yeah. Tigers and lions, you can get a liger.

That's right. Oh, magical powers. Can you get a rat and a squirrel going? I think so. I've seen some black squirrels with really short tails in Washington Square Park. You got to get that rat really horny, though. Horny enough to rape a squirrel. Well, squirrels can consent.

Let's not get nuts here. Squirrels can definitely consent. Oh, absolutely. That's why their tails are always so high up there. What would... Hold on. How do you get a... What is a rat?

How do you get a rat really horny? Yeah. First, you got to butter it up a little bit. Literally put a bunch of butter on it. That gets anyone horny. The rat gets horny. Nothing gets horny. First of all, it has to not be thinking about anything else.

Rats think about food a lot. Give it one crust of a pizza, of a slice of pizza, one pizza crust. Feed it in it, right? Pizza rat. Yes, pizza rat. Don't mention pizza rat. And honestly, I think the best thing you can do is show the part in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie where Splinter dances. Oh.

Gets him going every time. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, that is a good one. While you're using your thumb and index finger to massage his penis. Oh, his penis. I thought that was nipples you were doing because you're using two hands. Oh, no, no. Rat tattoo dicks. Oh, okay. no. Rats have two dicks.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Wall case ones not working. New York mutant ones. Yeah. Monkeys cannot mate with gorillas any more than humans can mate with monkeys. Oh, okay. Well, why can't we mate?

Well, I'm not even going to- They've tried. They've tried. Oh, yeah. AIDS. That's right. AIDS. Yeah, it's that fail safe. Yeah. That's right. AIDS. Yeah, there's that fail safe.

Yeah. That's right. The ultimate revenge. Okay. Okay. Perfect. Life finds a way. Doesn't it always?

Yes. All right. So the monkey is fine. Monkey's great. Yeah. And the deer is fine, too. Deer's having a great time. So are they going to see each other again?

Of course. Yeah, why not? Maybe not the first deer, but definitely the second one that licked it up. Oh, my goodness. Good Lord. Now it's just turning into a different show. That's what happened. Seems wild.

We can move on to a Baltimore story. Sure. I love Baltimore. The wire, baby. Yeah. Police say an armed man upset someone took a bite out of his grilled cheese sandwich triggered an hours-long barricade situation on Sunday evening. Corporal Sean Vinson.

That will piss someone off. Oh, yeah. Corporal Sean Vinson said officers were called around 5 p.m. for a domestic dispute at a house near Baltimore. A woman and her daughter came out of the house and told officers were called around 5 p.m. for a domestic dispute at a house near Baltimore. A woman and her daughter came out of the house and told officers that shots had been fired. Vinson said it turned out that the man who remained in the house got upset over someone in the house who took a bite of his grilled cheese sandwich. They shut down the whole street for this barricade. Well, don't bite someone's grilled cheese sandwich there.

That seems a bit ridiculous. Especially when they're an angry man with lots of guns. Yeah, absolutely. I would just keep that guy as happy as possible. Well, that's the power of the gun, isn't it? You buy a bunch of guns, people keep you happy. Yeah. The guy's a maniac.

Probably didn't deserve the grilled cheese. He fucking paid for it. It's his. He made the grilled cheese sandwich himself. Apparently, the man had made a grilled cheese sandwich, and either the wife or the daughter, we're not exactly sure who, but somebody, one of the females in the house, took a bite of his sandwich,

and apparently that enraged him to the point that he fired shots in the house. Woo. Oh, yeah. This isn't right. That can't be the first time. I think it goes deeper beyond. Right.

There's a lot more going on here than just a bite out of a girl. I don't want a victim blame. Okay. I don't know. I'm not a victim blamer. If anybody asks you, I'm the most PC person you've ever met in your entire life. You are? Yes.

Personal computer person. There you go. Everyone has asked everyone that. They always say, Holden McNeely, most PC person I've ever met in my entire life. And by PC, I mean penis cock. Penis cock or penis cum? Cock. Good.

Penis twice. Oh, all right. You fucker. You end of that whole thing with penis cock? Yeah, I don't think I have any more to say about this story. You want to move on? I personally am good. I know that this is a guy. Yeah, you guys talk about it. I this story. You want to move on? I personally am good. I know that this is a guy.

Yeah, you guys talk about it. I'm done. You're done. Well, I think it's amazing that this country where people, just American citizens, are upset that someone eats their grilled cheese sandwich. There you go. All right, where I come from, it's not like that.

Like, you know, you kill my brother or something, then I get mad. You know? So it's amazing. God bless America. That's great. Where do you know You kill my brother Or something Then I get mad You know So it's amazing God bless America That's great Where do you come from Carolina? I come from Columbia

And where do you go? Cotton Eye Joe You Fuckers Why are you yelling You're yelling at us? I wish You're gonna yell at us for that?

You fucking tremendous dickhead. It's phenomenal. I sit here every week going on a decade. Yeah. You have to be gay five years since you fucking started with you. Yeah. He's been here 87 years. Cotton Eye Joe.

What a fucking prick. Maybe you should give him some no prof lessons Ben. Yeah. I need a suggestion.

Would you like to get. And there it is, Eddie. And that's Ben Kissel's class on no problem. Where are we? No. Any other? No.

My name's Aaron Glaser. And I would like to join your... No. Oh, my God. Where are we? The answer is no. No. And no. Where are we? No. Oh, my God. Where are we? The answer is no. No. And no.

Where are we? No. It seems that right now I'm not beholden to anybody. I'm kind of a free agent. Where are we? We're not doing that. We're not doing it. We're not doing it.

What Ed's doing right now is classic comedy. Is that classic comedy? That's classic. You're new school. He's old school. He's, you know, Shecky Green? Shecky Green.

Who knows? And you're, you know, the Goof Troop, the Goofy movie. The Goof Troop. The Goofy movie. Not even the Goof Troop.

Yeah, the Goofy movie, fucking surprisingly good. Is it? It's fantastic. I love Goofy. It is a very good one. With his son?

Oh yeah, yeah, and then they do the dance because they gotta go and that's why he has this girl and we'll talk about it later. Oh, yeah, yeah. Then they do the dance because they got to go. That's why he has this girl. And we'll talk about it later. Oh, we'll be speaking about the Goofy movie

after this. Oh, yeah, we'll be at the bar for at least three hours. And the sequel. For plot synopsis. Oh, you have no idea when they do the dance. Oh, my God.

And the fishing scene. But the subtext. The subtext? Behind it. There's no fucking subtext to the Goofy movie. Intensely homosexual. Whenever he falls down, it's all like...

It's funny. I love that one. Yeah. Yep. All right. The Goofy movie always does this to us. Goof troop, goof troop, no one would terrorize the neighborhood. It's Heathcliff.

I love Heathcliff. Yeah, we like Heathcliff. Yeah, Heathcliff. Yeah, we like Heathcliff. Yeah, Heathcliff is fun. There's a lot of trivia on the Goofy movie. People love it. I loved it. Yeah, it's fantastic. Yep.

He's a great character. He's a single dad who has to take his son across the country so his son, Max, can impress this girl because the reason why he couldn't go to that party to go see her. And Max is super embarrassed by his goofy dad. He's like a cool, normal kid. Goofy's a fucking star.

But later he learns a lesson. Yep, he learns a lesson. What's the lesson? Don't be ashamed of your dad. Yeah. Because your dad's actually much cooler than he really, you really perceived him to be.

Yeah. Goofy? Your dad's fucking goofy. Don't be ashamed of your dad, Ben. My dad? I love my father. Certainly no goofy. He's no goofy. Goofy guy in a lot of ways.

Different kind of humor. How goofy is your father? I've never heard you ever describe your dad as goofy. As a funny guy. German truck driver? Well, you know, he's funny because he'll talk about how he worked really hard to put food on the table. I mean, just funny stuff.

The evangelical German truck driver. Yeah. How wacky was dinner? Oh, it was always like, you know, you're only here because of me. And just funny. Just a funny guy. Like the German honeymooners. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. He's goofy because his shoes are so big. My dad? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Actually, Ben's dad is incredibly small. Fits in his pocket. Pulls him out whenever he needs a good stern talking to. I did forget to mention he drives the world's smallest truck. Well, Tonka truck. They're pretty big. Are they? No, Tonka trucks.

Tonka's a little toy. They're big, though. They're like this. As far as toy trucks go. They're banned. Well, Tonka trucks are banned. A man who drives a Tonka truck will not fit in a pocket. Okay.

No, absolutely. He's got to drive like a Hess truck. No, they could fit in a pocket, Marcus. In very big pants? Maybe a gigantic pocket. Cargo pocket. Yeah. He could kind of curl up in there in a little ball.

In like my pocket? Yeah. Because I'm a giant? Maybe. Is that what you're saying, Marcus? I'm just saying, if I had some magical beans, I'd probably attempt to find where Ben lives by planting them in the ground

and having a beanstalk rise up into the clouds. Like if I went to Middle Earth, I would not be surprised to find you. No, I'm just joking, Carolina. I wanted to cut him off. You can speak all you want. I just went hold and talk. I've heard it so many times.

I'm sorry. I'm not. Carolina, you just talk for 20 minutes and we'll call it an episode. You said her name right. Yeah, I hope so. Congratulations. Thank you. I said it right up top.

I met you like 2009. I've known you for almost a decade. That's good. Is it? Yeah, we've known each other almost a decade. That's good. Is it? Yeah, we've known each other. We are old. No. Nah.

We can be older. We can all be older, yeah. Yeah, we can. We could be. You know, we're older than we've ever been. It's true. And now we're even older. Fuck, that's tense.

And now we're the oldest. We're the oldest we've ever been. And now, oh, a little bit older. Isn't that wild? Okay. Can you give us a fee-fi faux-fum, Ben? We have to start. Nope.

We'll do a fee-fi. He'll finish it with the faux-fum. All right? Two, three. Fee-fi. Faux-fum. I don't know why we have to do it. He's going to All right? Two, three. Fee-fi. Faux-fum. Yeah. I don't know why

we have to do it. He's going to be doing birthday parties, everybody. I don't know why we have to do it. I'm forced to, against my will, do a faux-fum.

That's madness. Total insanity. Whatever. You guys are you should really be a children's talk show host I would watch that in a second if you've been a night

with Ben drinking straight whiskey from the bottle that's the thought you have that man should be a children's show host that would be amazing if you've ever eaten mushrooms and sat on the hardwood floor watching a Neil Young concert on DVD,

the first thought you have at the end of that experience... Bags of mushrooms. Bags that we're just literally eating out of a bag of mushrooms, you think, man, that guy, children's television host. Why not? Sit in a giant chair. It's gonna be as big as a house.

But it will work. It will work. Believe me. Yes. Yeah? I love the idea. Using fucking circus tents as socks. I don't know.

It just doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make sense. There's no conclusion to a circus tent. Socks have conclusions. Don't they? I mean, they conclude with your foot being at the end of them. There's a stopping point.

Anyway, shirts have no conclusion. Wait, what? So now what clothes have conclusions and what clothes don't have conclusions? Do pants have conclusions? No conclusion. But gloves have conclusions. Yes.

I think I understand. Hats have conclusions. Of course. Hats are conclusions. Socks with booties on them. I mean, pants with booties on them. Those have conclusions. Yeah.

What if I tied up the legs of my pants? Would the pants then have conclusions? At that point, they would. If they went over your feet. Yeah. They'd have to go deep and over the feet. Yeah. And you'd have to lose your feet into the war. Yeah.

Otherwise, you can't tie your pants. Yeah, your legs would have to have early conclusions as well. Absolutely. Absolutely. But there's no denying that that's a reality. Alright, I'm gonna pitch it tomorrow. Donald Trump is the president of the United States, and he did tweet at me.

There it is. Ten more days. There it is. Ten more days. You know, there are more feral cats in Australia than internet coverage. That's great. 99.8% of Australia is covered in feral cats. By comparison, 85.1% of Australia has internet access.

Put some modems on them or something. Maybe they should start being nicer over there and letting the cats inside. Just put little modems on the cats. That's what Carolina does that. Oh, is that right? This mic has been dead the whole time, hasn't it? Amusing me to let me

sit in on a show. No, continue on No that was a joke That there should be modems on cats That's a funny fucking joke That's a good idea You know what they should do is put Modems on cats

On the cats? On the cats? Hey look at me I got a little hot spot And you're a cat? Be calm cats Calm cats And you're a cat? Be Comcast. Comcast! Thank you. I hate Comcast.

I know, they're always fucking late. Joke of the night. That was great. You do get joke of the night. Joke of the night, caught in I, Joe, you fucker. You! Oh, you fucking piece of shit. No one liked that joke.

I liked it, but I know the consensus is for Comcast. I just settled it with pistols, guys. It's making a face. Somebody put a Facebook poll up like you did for Heathcliff and Garfield. Joke of the night, Cotton Eye Joe or Comcast. Or no props. Or I've got two Oreos here. Whoever eats an Oreo the fastest wins.

Ooh. Okay. All right. I'm not going to do it. Give it to me. Can we chase it down with water? Yeah, have to be. Yeah, yeah.

Are you opening those Oreos right now? Yeah, these are fresh Oreos. Here. All right. Take one. It can't be a fresh Oreo. I mean, they're old product. Thank you.

All right. Well, Eddie immediately ate it. Holy hell. Oh, my God. Ed looks confident, though. You've got to start to get this stuff on camera. I don't know. Thank you. All right. Well, Eddie immediately ate it. Holy hell. Ed looks confident, though. You got to start to get this stuff on camera. I don't know. Holden is... He's all sweating.

Ed is staring. Done, you piece of shit. You're still chewing, you idiot. Eddie, are you talking? I enjoyed it. It was a competition. You're not supposed to enjoy it. All right, so you win the Oreo eating game,

but the joke of the night is Comcast. That sounds wild. As long as I won a game, then I'm happy with it. What's the trophy? What's the award? Oh, the award was joke of the night. Whoever eats the Oreo the fastest

gets joke of the night. Eddie won joke of the night, though. No, Holden won joke of the night. Because he ate the Oreo the fastest? Yeah. Well, shouldn't he be the Oreo champion? And then Eddie's joke of the night. No, no, no, no.

Holden's both. Holden's both? Yeah, you can be both. You can hold two titles. Oreo champion joke of the night. I was confused about this. That seems a little wild to me. I love eating Oreos.

Should we do a recount, Ben? Do you want to do a recount? There's only four of us. Should we do a re-Oreo wild to me. I love eating Oreos. Should we do a recount, Ben? Do you want to do a recount? There's only four of us. Should we do a re-Oreo? I mean, there's more Oreos. Yeah, we can do another. We can have another Oreo. Yeah, so we'll...

Ben, do you want to try? No, I literally ate... For no prov? No, I went to Buffalo Wild Wings earlier. I'm good. All right, Carolina's also doing this. All right. So, but what's the joke of the night?

I mean, Carolina, you've had some... Well, I mean, she maybe had put cats on modems. Yeah. Put modems on cats. It was okay. Cats. Cats on modems. But now you just give them Eddie more Oreos.

Okay, go. But what's the point? Holden is, again, the frontrunner here. Obviously a speed-eating champion. Carolina is trailing and is trying. Ed, once again, simply enjoying Oreo. Oh, Carolina's got joke

of the night and Oreo consumption. I was robbed. Speech, speech. No, okay, sorry. Wow. Carolina, you have 20 minutes to do your speech. 1959, 1958, 1957. That was delicious to end.

1956. You have 19 minutes and 55 seconds. You have to continue to give a speech the next 20 minutes. The speech would have been good. I would, but my mouth is dry. All right, Sanford's, I will promote McNeely. Whoa. It's time.

We have it. The round table tour. We're bringing people in. But we need to shop at the end. We got to get the money out of these people. Of course. The one thing we know how to do with people is monetize them. Turn them into money.

That's how we know what to do. We know what to do and we always knew how to do it. And today we're going to pick three items each that's going to go in our round table gift shop. Alright? Round table gift shop bin. This is the most creative idea I've had in a long time. Thank you. Everybody likes ideas.

Literally four years. I wonder what the last good idea was. Oof, man. So long ago. Certainly wasn't creating this segment. I wonder what the last good idea was. Man. Yeah, so long ago. Certainly wasn't creating this segment. No. We let him have it. God, if I had a time machine,

the one thing I would release myself from, it'd be like... You wouldn't release, you wouldn't release you wouldn't you know regret all the mommy stuff that stuff still my bread and butter people love that you haven't talked about mommy in a long time you know I realized I was talking about it with new mommy Lexi I got a new mommy so I can't talk about mommy. I got Lexi Lexi That's true. We feed we love you know I do it all there What does old mommy think a new mommy? Kind of wild we don't want to talk about it. I don't every time. I'm like I have a girlfriend named But mom you have to listen to me.

I fall in it, ooh. That's not good. And she's shitting. And she's pissing. But mom, we're gonna, ooh. Happy, she's fine. She's doing well. She's doing well.

Okay. Her breasts physically wet. I think she dips them in water or milk. You can tell probably. You think your mother dips her. You think your mother dips her breasts in water? Is that? Either way.

It's kind of potato. Yeah. We're washing. My three items are going to be segment trivia. All right? That's one. Box of trivia with different segment style oriented questions. Play the round table at home.

Play the round table at home. I'll give you a segment. Actually, even better. Thank you, Ed. Play the round table at home. You got the format. Rosary beads. It'll be little cards you can pick up.

Rosary beads. It gives you an opening prayer suggestion, segment suggestions, wacky news story headlines, and you can play it at home. Yeah. All right? And you get masks of all of us so you can wear them while you play. Yes. Creepy masks.

Okay. Scary masks. All you need is five friends. Yes. Lord knows how hard that is. Good luck. Okay. Scary masks. All you need is five friends. Yes. Lord knows how hard that is. Good luck. That's the thing. I don't have five friends now.

Have fun with monkey news with Mickey the monkey, the fun-stuffed animal monkey puppet you can take home. Oh, yeah. Right? He's got all the holes, so you can enjoy any kind of thing with him that you want to have with him. Well, why would someone need holes in a monkey? All right? And you can enjoy any kind of thing with him that you want to have with him. And you can fill him with

liquid to make him feel more sort of fluid and sort of gushy. You know what I'm saying? No one needs holes on a monkey. So it's like a canteen that you can fuck that's shaped like a monkey? I mean, with fur on it. My favorite little doll when I was

a kid was a monkey with a hole on it. And did you hump it? No, I didn't ever hump it, but he had a little hole on his mouth and you could stick the banana in. That's what he calls his face. That was actually a great monkey. Very popular monkey.

Yes, I was always jealous he got to eat the banana. And the final thing of course um a a talking human inside of a jumbo shrimp mascot costume that you can buy and keep as a sort of slave he's dressed in a jumbo costume it's a pro slavery argument not necessarily he's definitely not black first of all i want you to know that. He's in the other race. He's a jumbo shrimp. Huh? What is he if he's not black?

He's dressed in a... Well, you never know because he's in a full jumbo shrimp costume. You don't know. You don't know. Well, just take it from my words. Where'd you get him made? Could it be a little person? I can't disclose that information.

Are you kidding? I mean, it would have to be somebody desperate enough to be purchased as a jumbo shrimp. Like, are you seriously kidding that I would tell you the country I got these people from? Just go on my word. He's not black. All right? It doesn't matter. He might be tan.

Mm-hmm. But never black. Okay. Could be white. Could be white. I mean, we could be talking about, like, Polish people here. Yes. Floridians are tan.

And he's oiled up. You know, it's literally like The texture of a shrimp Scampi You know It'll come with some Dipping sauces and stuff And he'll just hang out With you Make jokes

What about the smell? Oh it reeks But that's just the You know I mean It's a shrimp Well first of all Your nose gets used to it

Immediately It's just when people come by But that's a funny joke for you Along with the 800 Other funny jokes That come along With owning A human sized Jumbo talking jumbo shrimp that lives in your apartment.

Sells itself. How much does it cost? $20,000. That's actually pretty reasonable. No, it's not. For a human, it's not bad. For a jumbo shrimp, it's way too expensive. You're not buying a person.

You're buying a jumbo shrimp. Yeah, exactly. Does he just tell jokes and hang out? Like, can he cook for you? I mean, you can teach him anything. Can he pay your bills and run errands for you? Can we move on with this segment, please? How old is he?

Is he strong? You don't know? Can he still reproduce? I mean, they're all, I mean. Milk him? First of all, you're implying, sexist. You're implying that he's definitely a man. So that's incredibly sexist.

It could be a hermaphrodite. It could be a hermaphrodite. It could be anything. Alright? And second of all, yeah. What is the third if it's not a man or a hermaphrodite? It's either a man or a hermaphrodite. There's no in between.

There's just that. Those two options. It's me, Eddie! Not now! Into the body there's just that, those two options. It's me, Eddie. Not now. I've been reincarnated. Not now, Mom. Into the body of the jumbo shrimp. That's great. You said that you wanted me to be a jumbo shrimp.

That's awesome. That's great, actually. Eddie, I don't know, Eddie. It's fine. Just take your medicine. Okay, Eddie. I'm going to go back to sucking Satan. All right.

Whatever he wants. You know, it's just, I got a book she could read if she wants to do that, but I just think it's affecting her throat and her voice with the smoking. Jumbo? That's it. I'm done. Carolina? Oh, three things.

Three things you're going to sell at the Roundtable store. Okay, great. I'm so glad I just got here. This is great. This is fantastic. From the many years that you've done this show with us. Yes, yes. From the many years that you've faithfully listened to every single episode.

Okay, so I've never listened to an episode. Why would you? But you know what? I'm not going to lie. On the cab ride on my way here, I did listen to a few minutes of a few random episodes. At random times. And every single time, it was about Ben Kissel shitting.

So, I think the first one will be a Ben Kissel golden-plated toilet. Wow! Signed by Ben Kissel. And also, the bowl will have a feature, a really nice, beautiful, glossy picture of Ben Kissel. That's amazing. Your mouth will be wide open.

I'm sorry. Anyway. I can get into it. Okay, cool. Get a little wild. Get a little presidential. Okay, cool. I mean, why do you guys talk about shit so much? I don't talk about it. It's fascinating. I am the mature one. I am. I am the mature one.

Are you? I guess. Yes, because he uses his socks to wipe. Anyway. They have closure. And the second one would be, I would believe, a lifetime supply of Oreos, because I am awesome at eating them. Oh, that's very true.

And the third one would obviously be a syringe full of syrup. Semen, sorry. Semen. All of our semen? Well, I don't know. I guess we could do like a random one. We could just figure, you know. Who's the semen tester here?

It's like a Russian roulette of semen. You might get mine. You might get Holden's. You might get Ben's. You might get Ed's. No, I've never been. And then we'll make a monkey baby out of it. Yeah, yeah.

No, that's definitely, we've talked about making a monkey baby many a time. You better hurry up and get it because I'm almost out. All right. So that's my thing. Or the syringe might be full of Jackie Splack. We don't know. We don't know.

We don't know. That's true. Oh, no, Jackie isn't here. I have a chance of winning, I guess, which is possible. You've been winning a lot lately, Ben. You're on fire lately, Ben. We're all proud of you. No, not really.

I would say the Trump shirt that I bought for you, Marcus, that you refused to wear. You didn't buy it for me, nor did you ever offer it to me. And you can't sell it at the store. I can't sell it? No. No refunds. Not trying to make money here, I guess.

Okay. I think the, no, I don't know. What would you do? A round table store? Yeah. You know, a nice, I think one of those beer hats, you know, where you got a hat, but then you can also hold two beers and the straws go down your mouth and you could put soda in there.

You could, but why would you? That would be a nice product. And then loose skin. Kind of a fun thing that someone could put over their shoulders to feel like me. And if you're skinny, you could really understand how it feels to talk. It should be called skinny. Yeah. A bag of skinny.

Yeah, but it's bedkissel's loose skin. You get to wear that. Forgot to ask. People want a mattress update. What's up? I'm using it. I think he's actually using it. He is actually using it, yeah. Okay.

It's fine. It's fine. I would have liked if Jackie had it more, but that's fine. She didn't want it. And then a- What did you do with the old mattress? The old one? Did you give it to somebody?

Did you put your new mattress on top of your old mattress? Did you wrap it up when you threw it out? Aren't these the funny questions? And we'll answer them on a later episode. And then, you know, just a large pair of shoes that people could, you know, hide their family in. Goofy shoes. Goofy shoes.

He's got goofy shoes. No, but I mean really a large pair of shoes where you can shove your family in. Goofy shoes. Goofy shoes. Goofy shoes. He's got goofy shoes. No, but I mean really a large pair of shoes where you can shove your family in it. So like a house, a shoe house, like the old woman in the shoe. Yeah. Yeah. What's her name again? Old woman in the shoe. Old woman.

I made that up. There was no name for her. So yeah, big shoes, skin, and a beer hat. Okay. And it can also be used for soda. Eddie? Alright. First thing I'm going to do is I like games. I think we need games

and I like beach games. You know, stuff like that. And so it's going to be round table themed. It's going to be whole banana mitts for Jackie because she gets the whole banana. And so it'll be like mitts with five banana fingers and then you throw little poo-poos at it

and you catch it. Well, my idea is better so far. It's called whole banana mitts? Yeah, the whole banana. The whole banana? The whole banana. Yeah, remember when Jackie got fisted and she called it the whole banana?

Oh. Yeah, I'm going back to deep cuts. Well, I think that's... Whoa. That's wonderful. Ben's trying to say how wonderful that is. No, I don't think so. I thought that was too much for me.

She got the whole banana, and now you can too. No, I don't want that. I didn't like the guy that did that. I didn't like him. That is not very PC of you, Ben. Eddie? No, I didn't like him. I don't think that he was...

Very un-PC. Yeah. He didn't take the rings off. And then I would say we need a weed box, a round table themed little stash tray. Not an ash tray, a stash tray. You open it up and every time you open it up it says, I'm loving it.

Yeah, we're going to sell these things. But it's Ed saying it. Oh, that's copyright infringement. No, that's my new thing. It's mine. That's yours? I'm loving it. Well, I enjoy it. And my third product will be... I'm just going to have to go with a real big shrimp cocktail.

Good one. Yeah, I like it. I like shrimp cocktails, especially after a long show. I think Carolina won this one. Yeah, I like it. A little shrimp cocktail, especially after a long show. I think Carolina won this one. Yeah, man. And when I'm talking about a shrimp cocktail, I'm talking like three dozen. Yeah, no shit. Yeah, big old fucker.

No one thought you were going light on it. A whole ring of them. I want a whole. Like banquet size. Yeah, banquet size. You got to feed a whole. You put it on that ice that's like so dry. What's it called?

Dry ice. All right, that's the one you want. Dry ice is a lie. What do you mean it's a lie? It's wet. No, it's not. You should try and touch it. Yeah, don't touch it.

I did touch it. It sticks to your fingers. It was wet. It wasn't dry ice. It was wet ice. No, that's not true. It was a block of water. It's just ice.

Yeah, you just touched ice. It was fucking cold dry ice. It was lit ice. No, that's not true. It was a block of water. It's just ice. Yeah, you just touched ice. It was fucking cold, dry ice. 36 shrimp on ice. Oh, I've got 48. You got just one, one big one. Oh, right, one big talking one. It is. It's a human, yeah.

Did I win? I would say I'd go with Holden. Whoa! You're condoning slavery? No, no, no, because I would say I'd go with Holden. Whoa! You're condoning slavery? No, no, no, because I would make an amendment to that, that it would not actually be a slave. It would be someone who's a dog. We'll feed the guy.

Or a dog. A shaved dog. Yeah, a shaved dog. It's a shaved dog, but it has a little voice box on it if you wanted to tell jokes. Do you want a shaved dog to dress up as a jumbo shrimp and One of those farty dogs that farts all the time Rarely don't

Rarely do they knew? Rarely do they not fart. Wait. It is falling apart. I'm not falling apart. Where? Carolina. Are we?

Nope. No, Carolina, tell the audience how to find you, what you're up to. Oh, okay. Yeah, I have a podcast here on Cave Comedy Radio. You're in my chair, Ben. That's good. You're in my chair sometimes, too. Okay.

You do with Frank Conniff. Yeah, TV's Frank and Trace Bellew from Mystery Science Theater 3000. We do a fun little show called Mystery Science Theater. Wait, that's a different show. Which robot were you? I was Pearl. I was Cam-Bot.

I always felt bad for the gumball machine because he never had gumballs in him, so you knew he was hungry. Don't you think? It's on his face. Where are you going to get refilled? I don't know. That is a deep insight into fat high school Ben. We didn't have any gumballs. I was like, where are the gumballs?

Trace will let you know. I promise. Movie Sign with the Mads. That's it. That's it. Just go, you know, look at it. Available at

cavegobbleradio.com. Hell yeah. Exactly, yay. Honestly, check that show out. CCR is absolutely crushing it. It's the best podcast network on the face of the planet and we all know that.

And if you feel like being a chooser, pick Wizard and the Bruiser. You fucking... Technically, I have to endorse this. He just stepped over my plugs. That's okay. We high-fived everybody. Yes, we did.

Wizard's doing great. Eddie, anything for you? Brighter side, baby. We got you on the next episode. That's right. You tell us all about, you know... Being big. Life being big. That's right. And actually, we're gonna do an episode of Top Hat here coming up on Friday. It'll be just you and I and maybe Marcus, if you can join us. If I can make it.

And we'll talk about your OSU tour. USO tour? OSU? OSU's Ohio State University. What country are we in? Donald Trump. Texted, tweeted me. That's a little snippet

of the new America we live in. All right. It's the USO. It's a great charity organization. That sounds good. They're in all the airports.

Oh, are they really? Yeah, yeah. Don't go in. You're not invited. I'm not. Seems kind of biased there. All right, everyone. We'll talk to you soon.

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