The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 314: Float It, Boat It, Get It.

Episode Date: January 27, 2017

Marcus, Jackie and Holden take over the Round Table to talk about an in-person visit to the Jumbo Shrimp stadium, unreasonable exes, and scientific reasons to beat your meat at work.

The round table. Gentlemen. Aye. Let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day, what's the topic of discussion?

Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Welcome to the Ra-Ha-Ha-Ha-Horny Table of Gentlemen! My name is Holden McNeely. I grew up on the beach. I love salty brownies. And I had a medium coffee earlier. Jackie?

Hi, I'm Jackie Zabrowski. Faster, louder. I didn't grow up on the beach. I grew up in Queens. Two facts. Two other facts about yourself. I don't know how to ride a bike, and my favorite candy is Swedish Fish. You don't know how to ride a bike and my favorite candy is a Swedish fish. You don't know how to ride a bike? You know that

about me. You've literally never ridden a bike? I know how to get on it. We're bad bike people. I suck at riding bikes. I can get on it. I had to ride a what are they called? Wong Wong Chinese rickshaw?

I had to ride a rickshaw. And that was really, I was not as racist as I could have been. And I. You used wing Wong or something. Well, no, she, and she said Choo Choo because the Chinese made the railroad, I think. Yeah, because the Chinese made the railroad. The railroad. Not because I'm shepherding people, may as well be on my back.

But I did have to do that in front of a bunch of people, and that was really scary. Oh, my God. That must have been so scary for you. Shut up. It was horrible because if you don't know how to ride a bike and you lie about saying that you know how to ride a bike, and then you get paid a lot of money to ride a bike in front of cameras, I lied. Why did I lie? I don't know.

I have a problem with compulsive lying. Right now I'm lying about being a compulsive I don't know I have a problem With compulsing lying Right now I'm lying About being a compulsive liar I know you're not lying Holdenators Hey Like this

No you can't start it like that You're hosting it Jackie pray No Jackie with the prayer Cause it's Double trouble Are we double trouble?

Double trouble Oh Um I guess Dear God Get me out of this room I wish it wasn't just the three of us Three scoundrels

Save all of us Three filthy scallywag scoundrels in the ship. Amen. And it's broken and broken. Get me out of here. Can I introduce myself, Marcus? Yeah, you can do it. All right.

Hold me as ho! Welcome to your thick PlayStation Network shush, shush, shush, shush. You're already fucking it up. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen. You can't say welcome to the round table of gentlemen. Sorry about that. God damn it.

Marcus said. This is why I didn't want to host it. Marcus said, would you like to host a show? And I said, yes. And then I proceeded to talk like I would on the show. But it's different up here, man. It's different. That's why I don't like to do it.

The seat is different. I feel like my legs are longer, like my head, my hair is redder. It's thinner. Marcus, do you have any tips on being a host? Marcus hasn't introduced himself yet. Marcus Parks. Well, that's not how you do it. How you introduce me is you say, Marcus Parks with the news.

And Marcus Parks with the... Do you have any tips on hosting? Marcus Parks with the hosting tips. It's a lot harder than you think. It's a bit of a lopsided show. Yeah. I can't even... I don't even know where to begin.

I mean, I could try it if you like. Hosting? Yeah. Show me what you got. All right. Show me what you're fucking made of. Marcus hosts so many shows. Oh, I don't believe it. That's why I said, Marcus, you should host. what you're fucking made of Marcus hosts so many shows Oh I don't believe it

You should host And you're like Oh I do sound like that No no no The whole thing was though Was that You know

I thought I could bring a new slang to the game You know what I'm saying Like when Dr. Dre I was watching the history of hip hop on Netflix Dr. Dre came in. He switched it up. Is that why you're doing it? Alright. I may or may not

have tried crack last night in order to understand the LA black man's plight. That's cool. Was it minty? It was chemical. Alright. And you know the main thing about it was like really good conversations, awesome conversations with homeless people. Yeah.

And, you know, I really kind of got into the mindset of the whole epidemic, right? And I learned some new words, like the word epidemic. Look, we're hosting the show. Yeah. I've got good tips. I've got some hot tips for you if you're going to host. All right. All right. Say the name of the show first. You don't morph show. Yeah. I've got good tips. I've got some hot tips for you if you're going to host. All right. All right.

Say the name of the show first. You don't morph it. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen. We're down a couple of people. Unfortunately, Ben can't be here tonight. Of course, Kevin's out in L.A., as is Ed Larson. So we're going to start with Jackie with a prayer.

I already did it. Don't make me do it again. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Ave Maria. he did it. Don't make me do it again. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Ave Maria Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Italian words. Do, do, do, do,

do, do, do, do, do. Amen. Amen. Thank you very much, Jackie Zabrowski. I think we've already annoyed everyone that they've stopped listening. I think so. This has been extremely annoying for the first five minutes. Holder McNeely with the news. Today a man woke up. What about me?

Can I do my PlayStation shout-outs, Marcus? Of course, Holden McNeely is here. Okay, fantastic. Vinny L187, tell Ed Larson the dolphins suck jumbo shrimp dick. He's not here. Also, Holden for president, Terry the Gnome for vice president. He's not here Brody the coyote

Says Koozie is a bitch Vic is troubled And Brody is lord Fucker Bjorn says Actually Bjorn has a different special announcement Bjorn is a avid watcher

Of the twitch stream And he has a special thing I'm vamping for Because my thing won't stop this different special announcement. Bjorn is an avid watcher of the Twitch stream, and he has a special thing I'm vamping for because my thing won't start. And here it is. He says, shout out to the whole table, Holden the Lizard King, and Ben and Marcus for a great show in London.

Eddie for the greatest and jolliest laugh, Bird Luger for his swag, and Jackie for all her nasty old single stories. Maybe we'll hear from her about that later. You also gotta get Henry on more often and have Jackie tell more nasty stories in front of them.

Love RTOG, LPOTL and TWATB and all of you guys, plug your stream and the couch fund. That was in parenthesis. Twitch dot TV forward slash Holdenatorsho plug your stream and the couch fund. That was in parentheses. Twitch.tv forward slash Holden Nader's Ho is my stream. One, two, three.

We are the Jumbo Shrimp here to play a game. I can't tell my Jumbo Shrimp story. We're going to tell your Jumbo Shrimp story. Oh, yeah. I can't wait to check in with you on that. Are you done with your thingies? I think I'm done hijacking this show and making it terrible. I have a great jumbo shrimp story.

Okay. So, I was in Jacksonville with my boo and my boo's mom. Is that a ghost? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The ghost of my past was following me all the way to the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp Stadium. We show up. You know, his mom hates me.

But after this, now she loves me. We show up. Whole place is empty. We make Doug go into a door that we find that is open. And he goes in and he's like, oh, we just wanted to see if we could go into it. We wanted to buy a shirt from the gift shop. And so the guy's like, yeah, sure. I'll take you to the gift shop.

And then I walk in. I was like, oh, actually, I'm a part of the roundtable of gentlemen. And he's like, you're the podcast with the song. I was like, yeah, from the podcast with the song. And he said, oh, my God. He gets on his, like, microphone thing and goes, oh, Jim, yeah, oh, yeah. No, you want to get down here. No, no, no.

We got guys from the podcast. You know, the podcast. No, you want to get down here. We got guys on the podcast. You know, the podcast. We want to get down here. So the general manager and the assistant general manager come down to meet us in the paraphernalia store where we are eating it up. We're buying everything.

And then they give us a tour of the Jumbo Shrimp Stadium. So you got some fat merch? We got some fat merch, and they want us to come down and do a show at the stadium. Yeah! I would love to do that so much. You guys get free food, free drinks. We'll get you and all your friends a bunch of tickets. Did you answer the question as to whether they will be serving Jumbo Shrimp at games? They must be because they have a big seafood shack in there.

Oh, yeah, yeah. What's the name of the seafood shack? And they have like 20, I don't know what the name of it is. It's like, oh, Grumpy's Fishies. Grumpy's Fishies. But they do have like, they've got like 50 cent beer not. And things like that. So good.

This is the place everyone should be going. Everyone should go there. They're all so nice. They treat me very well. When I get older, I want to live under the Jumbo Shrimp Stadium. There is nothing over there. Man, Jacksonville is just a dead town. Like in downtown

Jacksonville, nothing. A hard place. Nothing's happening. It is tough there. There's rich, there's poor. What I like is as we drove into downtown Jacksonville, my boo's mom was like, lock your doors. You gotta lock the doors. I was like, lock your doors. You got to lock the doors. I was like, there's no one out here.

There's no one coming at us. All those ghosts. You would think, man, you would think that the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp would be getting a better reception than they are right now. They're going through a real hard time. It's crazy. They're going through a real hard time because people just hate the new name so much. But God damn it, we're behind them.

We're behind you, Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp. That's why we got a band together. And if you haven't gone on the page and given them a hey, hello, and talked to these people, don't be mean. Don't be mean to the people. What's really funny is some people are being like, these people are being really mean to me. Like this one guy said that on the Facebook page. But I looked. We're not being mean to him.

We're being really nice. But these Jacksonville people, they're getting so angry. Jacksonville people. They're getting so mad. They're getting real mad, but I did go just now to the Facebook page, and the first post is from Ed Larson, and it says, hey guys, I'm sorry. Now, I

know you are jumbo shrimp, but what are you here to do again? Good on Ed. And the first person is Doug saying, play a game. My boy. There you go. Yeah, so we're really here to help out

the Jumbo Shrimp and to be behind the entire Jumbo Shrimp Corporation. Fantastic. Absolutely. Two, three, four. We are the Jumbo Shrimp

here to play a game. Aww. And on that note, we sang the song several times at the Cowman set at the Philly show last weekend. It was fantastic and it was great to meet all the people after the show and everything. It was

wonderful, but we did play that song several times to the point where the audience would start counting it off for us and then we would start singing it. We did it multiple times and my favorite part is the people who are just fans of Last Podcast on the left and they are just completely dumbfounded by what this song is, why we're singing this song. It was very confusing.

Over and over again. Yeah. My favorite part was the lighting guy ended up getting in on it. The lighting guy started working out the rhythms of it. It's not a difficult song. And then every time it would go, ah, he'd bring up all the lights in the house. So good. Pull it down.

Yeah, that guy was on point, man. Y'all want to do a story? Yeah. Want to do a raccoon story? Oh, my God. It's my spirit animal. It was a case of raccoons gone wild in the Ormond neighborhood in Destrahan in Louisiana. Yikes.

St. Charles Animal Control relocated a colony of raccoons that was apparently addicted to junk food. The raccoons were fat and happy with no intention of leaving an area where they could always count on a good meal. Dr. Jenna Troxler, the parish animal shelter supervisor, said they like sweets, marshmallows, cereals, donuts, and cookies. They're addicted to sugar, just like the rest of America. That's right, diabetes raccoons. What's next, McDonald's? What more are you going to do to us? How many more animals are going to fall to your heinous monarchy?

The raccoons took up residence in a wooded area behind the Winn-Dixie. Of course, the Winn-Dixie. Winn-Dixie's a trash store. It's a bad place? It's a trash place. Who makes bad in there? Everything about a Winn-Dixie is bad. You know that they drug test the bag boys.

What? Why would ya? If you are a bag boy and you're not doing drugs, you've got a problem. Yeah, you gotta smoke a dab. At least one dab. You know a dab is a dance move. I know we've talked about this before. Oh, right.

Oh, yeah, the thing. It's a meme. Yeah. So I remember one person tried to tell me it was like a memem. Mimi. Mimi. Mimi. It is actually supposed to be pronounced Mimi.

What? Yuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When it was originally coined, yeah, Marshall McLuhan coined it. It was a Mimi. I'm so happy it's not Mimi. I don't pronounced Mimi. What? Yuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When it was originally coined, yeah, Marshall McLuhan coined it. It was a Mimi. I'm so happy it's not Mimi. I don't like Mimi. Oh, Mimi.

You guys ever watch Voyage of the Mimi? Voyage of the Mimi. Voyage of the Mimi. Voyage of the Mimi. Was that the guy with an electric guitar for a cock? No, no, no, no. Okay. No, it was that girl with fireworks for breasts.

Oh, yeah, I remember that one. We watched it in Gifted in elementary school. The Voyage of the Mimi, a 13-episode American educational television program depicting the crew of the Mimi exploring the ocean and taking a census of humpback whales. Boring! Snoring! We watched it for so long! Wow, it was Ben Affleck's television debut role.

Oh, Ben Affleck, Pearl Harbor's Ben Affleck's television debut role. Oh. Ben Affleck, Pearl Harbor's Ben Affleck. Oh, yeah. What a movie. Yeah, absolutely. Don't want to close my eyes. Don't want to trap a girl in my trap. But keep a Japan, Japan. Japan, Japan.

My daughter's in this movie. She's a mediocre actress. I put her music video with Alicia Silverstone. Can't believe I still make money. I love that song. Yeah, so good. I remember I watched someone else lose their virginity to that song. Which is very curious.

Very curious college party. Was it your teacher? It was my chemistry teacher. Go for it. Having sex with another chemistry teacher from a different school. How do you make a whore moan, huh? First you need a whore. Yeah.

And then you need a moan. How come no one's used that before? Copyright That's how you get to copyright jokes Right you just scream copyright After you use it Yeah just copyright Hormone

Consists of two words Whore and moan No my chemistry teacher Made that joke What? She was very inappropriate She used to have glitter On her breasts

And her breasts were always out She was an older woman I don't know She just It was a high school Chemistry teacher Jesus She put glitter on your breasts And she made the joke How do you make a hormone? always out. She was an older woman. I don't know. She just, it was a high school chemistry teacher. Jesus. She put glitter on your breasts

and she made the joke, how do you make a hormone? Yeah, oh yeah. How do, what was the punchline? I forget what the punchline is. Ew, ew, ew, ew. It was something,

no, it was something scientific. Jerk off one of the boys in the class. But she tried to, she wanted to be that, but she was definitely, like, she probably used to be hot.

She wanted to be the cool teacher. How do you make a hormone? Tickle its clit. Don't pay her. Oh, yeah. Pay me. Why are you doing to me? And I don't want to kiss again. I remember that

song was, there was a moment, it was a middle school dance, right? And no one wanted to dance with you. I let out a bunch of turkeys on the dance floor. So I wanted to make a statement, right? About Thanksgiving. Oh, of course. They hated it.

Yeah, about the Native Americans. Yes, of course. Well, there was, it was an all Native American high school. Oh God, those are strict. Yeah, I don't know how I got in. Just barely slipped through. They called me walks on cock. Because my dick was so fucking big. Those are strict. Yeah, I don't know how I got it. It just barely slipped through. They called me Waxoncock because my dick was so fucking big.

Marcus, help me. They called me Waxoncock. Why did they call you that? My penis is strong like oak. Yeah, see, that's a Native American answer. Hey, Jackie, why is a woman like a dog turd? Why? Because she's a bitch.

The older it is, the easier it is to pick up. Uh-oh. I actually like that one. Wait, knock, knock. Is someone? Who's there? Hey, it's me. It's Slow Talkin' Morris. It's Slow Talk Morris. Slow talking Morris.

This is what this show really needs. This is what it needs. Thank God it's you. Can I tell you a joke? No, you can't. Stop laughing, Jody. No, you can't. Who's there?

Who's there, Morris? OJ. O.J. who? Simpson killed his ex-wife. Hey, it's me. Slow talking, Morris. We shouldn't be allowed to have this. Well, see you later.

I actually had an OJ Simpson dream last night. Yeah, I saw your Facebook post on that. Yeah, I had a dream where Harry Nilsson, singer of Lime and the Coconut and many other wonderful songs, Jump in the Fire. I love that that's the song. One is the loneliest number. You at least go with that. Everybody's talking. It's just called The Coconut Song.

I Guess the Lord Must Be in New York City. You know, The Point, which is a wonderful concept album. He's a great singer. He's one of the best songwriters to ever exist. What Happened to Harry Nilsson, right? Is that the name of the documentary? Yeah, yeah. Who is Harry Nilsson?

Who is Harry Nilsson? And in my dream, he was the one who actually murdered Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson. Crazy. In a fury. And I was there. I witnessed it happen. That's why I, that's actually how I knew. That's why the dream was so terrifying.

It's because I was sitting at Rockingham, you know, at the apartment, or at Bundy, where they were killed. I was sitting at the front of the driveway and they're walking in and then Harry Nilsson comes in with a knife and then just starts slashing him up and then he runs away and I was left in the blood of Ron and Nicole. Why were you there? Yeah.

Just being creepy? You're creeping me out in this dream. Were you in the shrubbery? No, I was just hanging out at the front of the driveway. Hmm. What was he doing there? Or is Marcus the killer? No, Harry Nils front of the driveway. Hmm. What was he doing there? Or is Marcus the killer? No, Harry Nilsson's the killer.

Well, maybe what you thought you saw in some drug-addled craze, and you were the murderer in your own dream. You were just separated from yourself. Ooh, and it's gonna be a screenplay that's gonna be

made into a major motion picture, and that movie will be called Dream Boy. Oh, or that is My Boo is a Killer but My Boo is Myself. I think we could debatable which title we'll go with. I like my letter. My Boo is My Killer but My Boo is

Myself? Yes. Well, you're giving away a bit of the ending there in the title of the film. Most trailers do it already. You may as well put it in the title. Sounds like I could have a good song, though. My boo is my killer and the

killer is myself. Yeah. My boo is myself. My boo is my killer. My boo is you and my boo is my killer. Hack, hack, hack. Ooh, that's a good scream. Thank you. It's kind of like

that movie. What was it called? Heimlich Scream. Yes, Heim a good scream. Thank you. It's kind of like that movie. What was it called? Heimlich's Scream. Yes, Heimlich's Scream. What is it called? Heinrich's Scream. Heinrich's Scream. Asylums.

What is a scream? Scream. Are you talking about Scream? No, the Scream. Like the one that's in everything. Oh, the Heidel... Heimlich... Hard... It's something with an H. Wilhelm, Wilhelm. Oh, the Heidelberg. Hamlet. Hard.

It's something with an H. Wilhelm. Wilhelm. The Wilhelm scream. It's in everything. Thank you. The Wilhelm scream, if you don't know, most people know this. So if you don't know, just Google it.

But it's in every movie. They use it. It's kind of an inside joke. And you can see a sort of montage of the Wilhelm scream on YouTube clips. I feel like we're doing page seven. I feel like we're doing Wizard and the Bruiser. Whoa. What?

When worlds collide. I'm in all these worlds. Daddy. I'm in my world. You want to do a story about mosterbation? Do I not want to do? story about masturbation? Do I not want to do? I love masturbation. Yes.

Masturbation breaks should become nasturbation breaks. Masturbation breaks should become a new workplace trend according to a new report. Taking a few minutes to de-stress and relieve tension while on the job could actually help boost productivity and make employees happier, says psychology professor Mark Sargent of Nottingham Trent University. I don't want to masturbate at work. I don't want anything to be as—because then anytime you're in bed masturbating or at home masturbating, you're going to feel like you're at work. It's way too stressful.

Yeah, because then you'd have to figure that you have to be dumb for the next person to come in. Oh, yeah. It's so stressful. A long time ago I did it. You used to do it all the time. All the time. Yeah, me too. Well, not all the time. Because it was so stressful. Well, sometimes, I mean

what they're saying is true. Sometimes you literally, you just, you have a weird day. You literally can't think of anything else until you just make it happen. It is incredibly industrial. It is incredibly just get this thing done

so that I can think about other things. You know? I get so jack horny, you know, I don't know what I'm capable of. You never juiced off at work? Yeah.

No. No? It's like a cute pie shop. I can't be juicing in there. People are usually waiting outside, like right there. It's not even like you're in a stall. It's just one bathroom, and people usually wait right outside the door. And if I'm juicing, I need like a second.

Can't you even just subtly rub against the muffins and make something happen? You know, I could start, especially like when they're hot. Yeah. But no, that's not the only job you work though. I mean. As a nanny? No, I wasn't masturbating at work. The only other job outside of here was being a nanny or at Joanne Fabrics.

Again, not masturbating. Not masturbating. Twyla wouldn't have liked it very much. Twyla was your supervisor? Twyla was, yeah, Twyla was the big boss. I think if I jerked off at the Blockbuster, I probably did it it once i remember there was one time it was really awkward where i was like just so jack again jack horny that day that i i you know you get five free rentals a week or whatever damn it's a good job it's a good job so i went to go rent this like soft core porn tape and it was

it'd be you have to rent it from your manager. And I did it. And she was like, okay, she was kind of dumbfounded. Did you say it was like, it's for me and my boys. It's for Reese.

Yeah, that's what she wants to hear. It's for me and my boys to play jerk off games too. I know you watch softcore porn. I watch porn with my friends. Of course, yeah,

I watch hardcore porn with my friends. Yeah, absolutely. But it's still awkward to rent a softcore pornography tape from your manager. Boy, that is always one of the most awkward moments of adolescence is watching hardcore pornography in a room full of boys. Yep.

It happens. It happens. I've seen one with my brother. Well. It wasn't hardcore or softcore, though. Okay. Well, that's okay. That happens.

But see, now I got a feeling that now kids don't do the whole, like, everyone sit in a room and watch hardcore. No, they don't need to. Because that used to be that was the only time you could see it, you could remember it, and you'd take it home with you. But now kids have it everywhere. Yeah, exactly. So I don't think they need to do that anymore. Oh, my God. I saw this great video today of an all-boys Korean school.

Yikes. Oh, my God. I saw this great video today of an all-boys Korean school. And for some weird reason, they let this, like, K-pop girl group do a dance. Did it ard? Like, I don't know if you've seen K-pop girl groups, but they are all in heels. Sexy. Oh, yeah. Sexy as shit, swinging their ass around. So it's this all-boys school getting performed for by a five, like, stinky hot K-pop girl group just putting the moves on. I've never seen a happier bunch of boys.

Holy shit. They lose their fucking minds. It is the funniest thing. I got to get you the link after, Marcus, because it is the funniest shit I've ever seen. There's one kid in the front that just jumps up halfway through, and he's just hands on the head. He can't believe it. And then at one point, they they all there's one point where they turn around they just start swinging their asses around every boy in the school just jumps on their feet they're just like why would the group do that that's horrifying i don't know it's an all boys school too it's not

even that kind of thing those kind of places need masturbation breaks. Yeah. All boys schools, they need a masturbation break. Because they all kind of, they all got so excited, they stood on their feet and they all got into a big kind of huddle, like a scrum, you know, around the stage. Scrum? There must have been boners hitting butts and legs and there's just a boner, because

everyone's boned. Yeah, absolutely. This guy, his name is Cliff Arnold. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, this guy, his name is Cliff Arnold. Oh, he needs masturbation. He's a psychologist and life coach. He says, I would expect a masturbation policy to result in more focus, less aggression, higher productivity, and more smiling. More smiling. I pop one, I smile.

Grab me a pop one, and I smile. I'm going to start pop one and I smile. Grab me a pop one and I smile. I'm going to start yelling that at customers. I'm just not smiling afterwards. I'm sleepy and awkward. And I feel weird. Yeah, awkward and weird. That's how everyone feels after masturbation. Especially at work.

Because you come out and you know no one knows that you did it, but you feel like, but you know. You know. You know that you just fucking shot a load to some toilet paper. You ever have a close call? No, never had a close call. See, at least you guys can just goop into a toilet paper, but ours is just messy and saucy clamped.

You're sauce clamped up inside of you, and then you walk, and you just go swish, swish of your guilt. Just swishing in between your lips as you go about the rest of your day. And you could try to go in and goop it out, but you can't just goop it out all in one go because it keeps gooping down. How did you know when I come, I scream, enjoy my guilt? I can't believe you put the nail on the head there. You know when I come I scream enjoy my guilt? I can't believe you put the nail on the head there. You know, I've been all like Marcus. I'm just watching from the shrubbery. Is he

enjoying his guilt? The topic of work masturbation breaks came up in the wake of a survey by Guy-Fi described as a masturbation booth pop-up that found 40% of workers in New York already take such breaks while clocked in.

Wow, 40%, huh? 40% of the guys that you're taking, guys and gals both, that you're taking the train with every day, they're jerking it or juicing it in the bathrooms at work. If you can do it, you go. You do.

Go for it. I just wish I could. I mean, I'm surprised they have not created some sort of sponge, a sort of special woman sponge. You're right. Where are the woman sponges? Copyright! Copyright.

Scream it. Copyright. We need a woman sponge for our goops. I bet you could. You know what? I was watching this thing. It was a YouTube video about the most disgusting things that porn stars had seen on set. Apparently, women porn stars, when they're

on their period, they shove a makeup sponge up there to keep the blood from flowing out. These dudes have Steve a cup. Yeah, but that's the thing. You gotta be rammed in there. I mean, they're still fucking, so it has to be something that gets rammed in. And one of them said that sometimes the particularly dumb ones forget

to take the makeup sponge out. So they start to... And then it stays up there. They say that it smells like an actual rotting corpse after a day or two. Yeah, because how do you get it out? They have to go to the doctor and get it pulled out with some forceps. I take it Jackie is... I'm shocked.

Again, first for everything, Jackie's never had some kind of foreign object stuck up her vagina for long enough for a doctor to have to take it out. No, I mean, there have been foreign objects just never stuck up in there. 100% class. Oh, me, baby. I like aloe vera plants because they're pointy. Yeah, this is the 38%.

39% of men said they masturbated at work, while 31% of women said they have. 31%? That is a good amount. But I guess if you're sitting at a desk all day and you can go to a bathroom that's not right next to everybody, I could see that. I'd do that. Squirt it. Private bathroom's the key. The problem is that without a private bathroom situation— Man, I saw—I was just thinking about these videos i just i

watched so many trash videos online there's this one where this guy it's like at a walmart or somewhere and there's some like worker in a little booth office booth like kind of in the back he's like a security guy or something and this guy just walks up with his phone he's clearly jerking off and he's like hey man caught you jerking off he's like no i wouldn't and he like throws his phone down he's like no i wouldn't doing that and then it's this very long hilarious conversation where he's like yeah you were jerking off he's like no no i wouldn't man no i'm just hanging out what are you talking about no i wouldn't do it he's like your hands are in your pants you were clearly masturbating sir that's disgusting i don't know what you mean i wouldn't do it i was

fixing my pants oh my god it's always fixing pants. There's no fixing of the pants. No, that's not true, though, because you guys move your things. Everyone is jerking off when they do that. But watch, I'm fixing my pants right now. No, you're doing yours down by your knees, though. I've seen you, like, the actual moving of the genitalia. I literally just did it. All I needed to do to get my penis, which was kind of curled up like a snail shell,

I just uncurled it and kind of stuck it off to the right. It took me two seconds to do that. That's classy. You did it a classy way. But you don't, in order to jerk off, you don't need to like vigorously rub on your pants or have your hands stuck down your pants and just tugging on your. No, he's moving it. He's just got to, he's positioning it.

I've been watching that O.J. Simpson documentary. It's great, isn't it? I think he may have murdered that woman. Yeah, I'm... I think 45 minutes from ending it. Because I've had to watch it in, I think, three or four sit-downs. It's 474 minutes long.

It's so damn long. Yeah, it's great, though. It's so good. Up for an's so damn long. Yeah. It's great though. It's so good. Up for an Oscar. Mm-hmm. I'm not there yet. I have a lot of other things to watch first. Fences.

Jackie. No. We talked a lot. You want to hear about Fences? Listen to page seven of this week because I talked about how little I want to watch Fences. I talked over her saying, listen to page seven. Listen to page seven. Listen to page seven.

August Wilson, he's great. He's great. Think of all of the people that can't masturbate in their own home. Isn't that sad? You mean because they have some shitty wife or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I used to live with a girl that I could not masturbate in my own home. What? Yeah. Wait, wait. I know her? I have lived with two women in which I have not. What? It was like a weird thing, yeah.

What? Wait, wait, wait. It was just like, were they like can't watch porn? Sex and other human activities. Check it out. Cave comedy radio. We're really going across the game here. I love it.

This is what's going to happen, right? We're definitely talking about Mario Brothers in a second. No, not Marios. I like pizza, but I don't like plumbing. Can't we talk about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Cowabunga, bro-det. Bro-det. Marcus, twice?

Twice. Couldn't watch porn? Yeah, couldn't watch porn and would not enjoy me masturbating at all. At all? At all, yeah. Damn. Horrible women. Makes no sense.

Buddy makes, yeah, the worst. I had one where I'd call her on the phone. She'd be like, are you high? Are you high right now? The answer was always yes. In order to cope with the horrible relationship, you know, I was very high when I would call her. You high right now? This long distance relationship? You high right now? Long distance relationship?

One of them I gained 20 pounds Because I replaced Masturbation with eating Just two giant donuts in your hand I have to do this Constantly And she wouldn't fuck me either There was no masturbation, no sex So I'm just having to eat constantly

to try to get something out. What a terrible, terrible existence. Yeah, it was pretty bad. Nah, you float it. You boat it. You get it. Wait, wait. Float it, boat it, you get it? Yeah. Is that your platform? Have it. Float it, boat it, get it.

Out of your room, out of your room. Jackie Zebrowski. Now, float it, boat it, get it. What you your room, out of your room. Jackie Zebrowski. Now float it, boat it, get it. What you floating? What you floating? Your feelings and what you want to do. What you boating? All of it.

What you getting? Yes. New story? I was just thinking of mine. Doctors, lobsters, helicopters. Hold it, McNeely. Okay, so doctors? Let's get them doctors.

Everybody should have a live-in doctor. Lobsters? I mean, we need to always be eating good-ass buttery lobsters. Helicopters. Helicopters Helicopters I mean take you wherever you want to go Troops I got showers, towers, and chowder Okay

I'm afraid to ask about Showers, towers, and chowder I'm afraid to ask about the towers Let's start with showers Oh no no is this a history thing Because I'm also scared of the showers I'm frightened scared of the showers. I'm frightened by your slogan, sir.

Showers? Showers. Everybody loves a good shower, but make it a warm one at 80s. Okay. Also, masturbate in secret from your girlfriend. Yes. Towers. Get them big.

Get them tall. Just like you in your mind when you feel good. Oh, a mental tower. Yeah, a mental tower of a big one. And chowder, is it the red or the what? White. You got it. Yes. Always white.

Fuck your Manhattan clam chowder in his ass. Oh, my God. You're so bougie. I hate Manhattan clam chowder in his ass. Oh, my God. You're so bougie. I hate Manhattan clam chowder. I'm with you on that. It's disgusting. It's awful. Give me that cream.

There you go. Let's make some t-shirts. What are we talking about here? Another news story? Yes. Absolutely. A Florida woman was arrested last night after she pelted a cup with a wet used tampon. Oh, yeah.

It's the whole March thing, I think. It's the March. Yeah. The March? Oh, the women's March. It's the March. It's time to get those tampons out. If you can't come up with an answer for a question, if you've been accused of anything, literally just say Women's March.

Yeah, just say it. Get out of anything. Where were you last Thursday? Women's March. Women's March. Yeah, and then you get clapped. Yeah, golf claps. Are you cheating on me?

Women's March. What was the last book you read? Women's March. That's a hard clap. That's a hard clap. That's a hard clap. That's a hard one. Because it's a book. It's a book.

I do have to say, though, that a friend of mine's boss, he has a lot of money, so he made a bunch of barf bags that he passed out at the Women's March in New York. But part of the barf bags were for used feminine hygiene products. were for used feminine hygiene products, and on the outside he paid for the postage and to be sent to the White House. So there's thousands of these bags that were distributed during the New York Women's March. Oh, my God.

And I'm like, I mean, I know it's like, oh, this is great, this is what I'm like, that's scary. That poor person who works in the fucking mail room. It's not Donald Trump that's opening the bags. Yeah, Donald Trump doesn't open the mail, you fucking idiot. It was just like when I worked for, I forget what the name of the place was, but they're the people who like made the Happy Holidays campaign as opposed to saying Merry Christmas or whatever.

They were that organization. And every Christmas now, they get thousands and thousands of Christmas cards in order to, from like religious advocates and stuff, right? Saying Merry Christmas,

Christmas Jesus. We say it. Yeah, he's a baby. And I was hired on as a temp because somebody has to like deal with all these fucking cards. But you know who deals with all these fucking cards?

This like Haitian dude who has no idea what this company even, you know. Yeah. He doesn't care. He doesn't give a fuck. He works in the mail room. He's the one who deals with all those goddamn cards. All the people who work at this place, none of them see these cards. No.

It's literally. And I got like a week's worth of work out of it, you know. So, I mean, it's like, sure, maybe they lost. They didn't lose very much money on hiring me. Couple hundred bucks. That's it. And I was just boxing and removing all these stupid cards, sorting and removing these cards.

What about anthrax? Isn't that still a thing? Yeah. Oh, I definitely got a few doses of anthrax. See, that's kind of like. What were their songs? Hangar 18 is the hangar I'm in. I'm grabbing a girl and I'm grabbing her good.

Yeah. Don't think I can, but I think I should. Okay. You said could. Jinx. Jinx. Bad jinx. Man, I wish we could be like Brownie and Sunshine in the morning, you know, and just do this

for hours. Brownie and Sunshine in the morning sounds like we're two hookers. And we're just like, we've been doing this all night. Last night. Oh, yeah. Last night I had a John that would not come. Don't you say that. Oh, by the way, it's 85 degrees outside

and there's bad traffic. My name's Brandy because my asshole hangs out. How far does it hang out, Brownie? Too far for comfort. Oh, you gotta be comfortable. I woke up yesterday, I had a salamander in my co-co-co-co-cooco-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co- Oh, oh, oh. He's being funny again. Richard's a clown.

We met at the carnival three nights ago. I don't even think he real. I think he read some PCP. Sunshine bride in the morning. Now it's time for some Aerosmith. Keeping Pearl Harbor alive. Don't want to close my good old eyes. Don't want to close my good old eyes. Don't want to close my eyes.

Don't want to fall asleep around my missing man. Around my missing man. We've gone off the rails. It's like the show can be anything when there's only three of us. Yeah, when it's just the three of us, we can go left, right, up, down. Whatever we want. Backwards.

Whatever we want. Well, according to cops, Takora Fields, 28, was involved in a brawl Monday night in St. Petersburg. That's close to my house. As Officer Un... I got too excited. That's my name. I can't watch the movie Jackie.

You can't watch it. She can't watch Jackie because Doug keeps like, they keep watching the trailer and every time someone says the word Jackie, she says, That's my name! You got to. That's why I keep playing the trailer. That's my name! That's why I can't watch Manchester by the Sea. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because, well, I'm not going to, no spoilers here.

Yeah, oh, don't spoil it. I haven't seen it yet. Oh! You know what's good? Don't bring it. I haven't seen it yet. Oh. You know what's good? Don't bring it up. I just watched it and I cried. You know what's good, though? That moonlight is a rowry.

I got to do it. It's so good. Do you have it? Yeah. You got one of those? Yeah, we got the screeners. You only had to pay about $5,000 for those. More than that.

I'm sorry, Marcus. I didn't mean to stop your news. We're just gabbing over here. You guys are just movie gabbing. I get it. I get your movie gabbing. Movie gabbing with Jackie Dolden. When do we start the new podcast?

Officer Andre Souza investigated the fields, told the St. Petersburg cop to, quote, suck her pussy, adding that, quote, I'll hit you with my tampon, you bitch. And the tampon, Fields noted, was destined for the patrolman's mouth. Whoa. She was trying to shove it in? Yeah. After issuing those threats, Fields was then seen with both her hands in her genital area with her pants open. She was then observed throwing a white, wet paper object at Souza. The tampon struck the officer's left shoulder, but it was intended for his mouth.

Oh, it was still white, which means it wasn't in there that long. That's the thing, if it's white. Well, I think it was partially white. Oh, okay. But it was still wet. I mean, it was still juiced. Yeah, it's juiced in there. You know, she just, there's been a lot of commotion, you know, lately.

Oh, you'll like this part. After flinging the tampon, Field sought to flee into a nearby residence, but she was apprehended following a successful taser deployment. There you go. Got to plug those Taser videos. Everybody, check them out online. Just YouTube, Taser. It's so good.

We were really close to having a Taser Christmas. Really? How so? Well, we were at the Oldsmar Flea Market, and you can get any kind of weapon you want. And you don't need any kind of license. You can get whatever you want. It's real cheap. And Henry was very close to buying every one tasers.

But then it was like, okay, can we ship it? If we have it here, then we have to get a license. So it was like, do we buy them and do we keep them in Florida so whenever we go down to Florida that we can play with them? We ended up not, but I did buy a Ninja Star. Oh, badass. Yeah, it goes into a wall. Yeah.

But I also had to leave that in Florida. Yes, of course. But now you got something to look forward to every time you go back to Florida. Yeah, I'm going to put a bunch of holes in my childhood bedroom. Mom can't talk to me like that. Slunk. Just the noise that a man or woman makes when a taser is deployed upon them is the great. Okay, I'll stop. Okay, I'll stop.

Okay, I'll stop. Can you imagine how much it hurts? It's always like, fuck you, man. Fuck you. I ain't doing what the fuck you want me to do. Okay, stop, stop. Stop it. Seriously, stop it.

That's why it works. So good. I kind of want to taser myself. Don't. I kind of want to get to... I would ask... Holden, I would ask you to taser me. Of course, we'll do each other.

We'll watch it. We'll shoot the video. We should call ourselves Jackass. I like this. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I film it? I'll be, what is his name? Howdy boy.

What's the film? Howdy boy. Howdy boy, one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Yes, that's what I'm going to be in it. I want to be the, my name should be Gil for short, but the traveling Gilbury for long. And you'll call me that. Like the super group? Yes, like the super group.

Tom Petty, Bob Dylan, Ferocious McCline, Jimmy Big Boots. And Holden McNeely. And Holden McNeely. And Holden McNeely. The Traveling Gilberys. Oh, my goodness. I remember when we made that one song, Biffin' and Boofin'. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

Biffin' and Boofin'. Yep. Down the road. It was about a standing up 69, but you're the upside down person. So good. Bob Dylan came up with, like, none of the Bob Dylan came up with like none of the lyrics. I came up with most of the lyrics. I bet he did a lot of like

A lot of scat singing. I want, I want, hey, I want to try out scat singing, man. Boo. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, I'm a fuck. And now it's time for Save a Moment Neely. A special interview with Jackie Zebrowski. Thank you, everyone.

Welcome to Holden McNeely's Hobble Talk Corner. Pull up a cup of coffee or a tea, maybe a tiny gram of cocaine. What about a thick vodka drink? Because that's what I've got. Sounds good. Absolutely. I had a coffee straight into an IPA. I feel like a werewolf right now. Jackie, what year were you born and where were you born? 1776, Christopher Columbus.

When was Christopher Columbus mean or was he a nice person? Ooh, Santa Maria. I feel like you're being evasive right now, Jackie. How many crimes have you committed and what was the worst punishment you received for all your crimes? 29 and getting a smile on my feet. Don't ask what it means. You don't want to know. Can you speak about an important time in your childhood

and can you start to cry about halfway through the retelling of it? There was this one time my mom came into my bedroom. I was laying there. I was watching Astronaut's Wife. And you know what happens when I watch Astronaut's Wife. I get Jack Horny. And she came in and she said, why don't you be Johnny Depp and I'm Charlize Theron?

And I said, no, Mom. I want to be Charlize Theron. And broke you. It's okay. It's okay. I got beaten up by Sean Penn When Shaquille O'Neal divorced you Were you fucking pissed off about it?

No he's too big to be mad at Is that the one with AIDS? No That's Magic Johnson Shaquille O'Neal is the genie That's Magic Johnson The rapping genie Kazam

Nicole Brown Simpson! Dead. Good. Thank you very much. This has been Holden McNeely's Hoppletuck Corner. I feel like I've given too much of myself. You did give a lot. And I'm scared.

Well, we can always edit out anything that you don't feel comfortable having talked about afterwards. Marcus, can we just... How much do you want it out? You want it to be a little bit or you want it a lot? I want it a lot. You want it a lot. Okay. Chicka pie, high tide in the wind. At Jack the Worm on Twitter, I think, and Jack that Worm on Instagram.

Hi, hi, Ty and Nguyen. At Marcus Parks on Instagram and Twitter. Follow me on Spotify for weekly playlists. Chicka-bye, hi, Ty and Nguyen. Oh, he's reverting to his former self. And Nguyen. We're going back to brownies. And brownies.

Sunshine, here. Tell me, 45... It's been 45 minutes, top of the hour. And we got... It's raining outside. Oh, you happy Johns at work right now. Getting your fucking dick sweaty. Think about browning sunshine.

Yeah. Pulsing you after work. Put your sprinkles on me. Time for some Tom Petty and Hot Breakers. Living like a refugee. Don't want to live like a refugee. Thank you so much, guys. That was so good.

Thank you so much guys For more shows like the one you just listened to