The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 317: Joke Dukes

Episode Date: February 16, 2017

The gang is joined by Chris Laker to discuss the logistics of mailing yourself meth, learn about a disturbing experiment that proves kittens need oxygen to live, and hear about a guy who accidentally sent texts meant for a hit man to his boss. Plus an extra special old man rant from Eddie Larson!

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Alright, let's get the crowd going wild. We've got people with us. gentlemen. Always civility. Always civility.

Alright, let's get the crowd going wild. We've got people with us. Alright, how exciting. Don't. Okay, thank you. Why, why, why? Why? This episode of Roundtable does not have

Jackie, does not have Ed, does not have Kevin, but it has Chris Laker. Hello. How are you, Chris? So as you know, every episode we begin with a prayer. So why don't you start it off with a prayer, Chris? All right. Dear Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, not to get too political, but maybe you should kill Donald Trump.

That'd be pretty cool. Our father who art in heaven, amen. Thank you. Well, technically that's allowed because you were praying and we have religious freedom in this country. Okay, so this is the round. I'm just saying for Jesus.

For Jesus, yeah. And if Jesus does it, then Jesus does it. And who knew Jesus was with the CIA? Yeah. Interesting. What are they going to do? Bang him up against the cross again? I mean, Jesus. And if Jesus does it, then Jesus does it. And who knew Jesus was with the CIA? Were they going to bang him up against the cross again? I mean, Jesus. Exactly. Do you think when Jesus was dying, what did he say? I bet he was like, Jesus.

I think he was like, Holden. Holden. That's what he said. You know what? I'm not going to talk about what I was doing to him. Hi, I'm Holden McNeil. Oh, wait. Never mind what? I'm not going to talk about what I was doing to him. Hi, I'm Holden McNeil. Oh, wait, never mind. I know how to start this. Holden Anderson.

That's how my Native American listeners do it. Yeah. Okay. Are you ready? Are you ready? PlayStation Network shout out. E3 is in four months. R-U-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R- The next set of tickets is $250 if you want to attend the three-day expo. The Electronics Entertainment Expo. The Electronics Expo was fucking closed to the public at some point.

Yeah, it was for press. And now it's open to the public. You get to play all the new games. Hands-on experience with all the new games. Different kiosks. Okay. All right? If there's one word I hate, it's the word kiosk.

All right. Are you ready for it? Chris Laker, how excited are you about PlayStation Network's shout outs right now? Yes. They got the newest Sonic the Hedgehog. The new one. Yeah. It's coming out.

Sonic Mania, I believe it's called. Right, Marcus? Dude, I'm totally down. Yeah. It's supposed to be a throwback to the old Sonic games. Yeah. I want it to be just like the old Sonic game, but no. But new. Yes. Sonic Mania. There you go. When's it hitting stores? to the old Sonic games. Yeah, I want it to be just like the old Sonic games, but no.

But new. Yeah, Sonic Mania. There you go. When's it hitting stores? You know, in 2017. Okay, there you go. It's such a throwback. When you play it,

you feel like you're a virgin again. So GongGakTao says, Ho! Shout out to SBT crew and to Pizazz. Stop being AFK. We need you to hack that safe in GTA Bank, ice fucker. Alex Gilbert says, I have a shout out for you. I've got some Jumbo Shrimp memorabilia. Can, will the round table sign my baseball?

Ho, sure we will, Alex, right? Can we do that? I think so, but then we have to send it back. We have a cloud that we're sitting on still right now. Is that the guy, that might be the guy in Chicago who came to me wearing a Jumbo Shrimp t-shirt and holding a Jumbo Shrimp baseball. It was like, hey, dude, could you get the round table to sign this

and then mail it to me? Like, no. Well, bring return, send return postage. He didn't, no, he was going to give me 20 bucks. No, no, no. Oh, fuck that. Yeah, fuck that. What do you want with everybody's signature anyway?

What, are you trying to steal somebody's identity? Good point. Well, if they ask for our social security number, then we know they are. That's how they get you. I've always done that. I met Matt Damon, and I asked him for his social security number, and he gave it to me. He gave it to you? Yeah.

What are the numbers? 3-1-9-4-2-7-1-8-1. What's up with my social security? Oh, that's your actual social security number, Ben. No way. What's up with my social security number? It's 777-777-7777. It's because you got your social security number in a movie.

It's actually the number of a cab company here in New York. Joshua David Sands says, Shout out to the entire roundtable. Jackie should do a Christmas album with Hatsune Miku. Ben is underappreciated and sneaky funny. You're a bit sneaky. You're like a ninja with comedy. I thought I was overappreciated.

Holdenators ho. Arrow to Rat says, ho. Hey, Holden, tell Eddie and the gang that I'm finally 21, so next time they come to Chicago, we can all party. Much love, Alex. Jimmy Kelly says, shout out, por favor. Love me some Jackie Snackies. Holden, you make my ears wet. Rip Miss Larson.

Tell Ben I sleep on a gasper mattress and anyone who doesn't is a Trump supporter. Go jumbo shrimp. That was Jimmy Kelly from Albany, New York. Derelict says, PSN shout out for RT. I don't appreciate all the side conversations. Kelly from Albany, New York. Derelict says, PSN shout out for RT. I don't appreciate all the side conversations, sighs, and general disdain Holden receives while reading shout outs for the rest of the crowd. Especially Ed and Ben.

Ben. What did I do? Unbelievable. The PSN shout outs are the best part. Also, Wiz and the Bruisers, great. Thank you, Derelict. Zina Font, what? Did you write that one yourself?

No, I did not write that one myself. You didn't write that one yourself? No, no, no. It seems like something you would write yourself. Okay. Xenophonta says, can I get a shout out for my man Tim who needs to stop fucking my auntie? Also, Margus needs to bring the show to Australia and get Holden on LP on the left to talk about conspiracies.

Logan Capo says, shout out to the Roundtable. You guys are fucking awesome. I have binge listened to all the episodes at work and you guys make my fucking day. Started out with last podcast, then found out about this podcast and was hooked. We don't need the history. Ben and Marcus, you two are my fave. Lo

and of course, the almighty Holden. Ho, Holdenators forever. Fucking strong. Special request, give Ty Gray a fuck you. He's my cousin that works with me, and we are both huge fans. Davey Kitely says, PlayStation shout out. Ho! Titanfall or Overwatch, get on it. Ho! Trump's a cunt.

Ho! Drew Davenport. God damn it. There's so many of these. There's so many of these. All those people are on PlayStation Network? Yeah, they're all on PlayStation Network. Someday one of them will play a game with me. Drew Davenport says,

Roundtable shout out. I've listened to every episode of Roundtable over the past few months and just want to say from the bottom of my heart that Wiz and the Bruiser is a better show. Well, see, that's not. Holden, there's Ho. Jackson Napierala says,

Happy fucking belated birthday, Nora. You're the queen of the fucking world. And Jumbo Shrimp, two, three, four. We are the Jumbo Shrimp, here to play a game. All right. And that concludes. Two more. Celestial G says,

This is my shout out. You are beautiful people. Please stop. Never stop podcasting. That would be worse than being broken up with. Okay, I love you. Bye-bye. And Evil Death Synth

says wife wants a shout out tell her it's your boy Skinny Penis ugh yeah alright well that was a useless

how do I get in on that PlayStation Network do I need a PlayStation yes you have to get a PlayStation then you have to pay $15 a month for a PlayStation Network

membership $50 a year so that's the that's the steel deal so month for a PlayStation Network membership. $50 a year, so that's the steel deal. So it's a PlayStation for $400. Somewhere around there. And then a PlayStation Network membership, which is $50 a year. Oh, that's a high barrier to entry. Yes.

Yeah. It's a lot of money to get a shout out on this show. Very intense. None of which we see. None of which we get. No. All right. Well worth it.

Great content. The show is going wonderfully. How many minutes did we just kill? Eight. Can we just go right to a segment? I said this episode will be 40 minutes long. That's all we're doing. My brother is here.

Chris Kissel is here. Chris, how are you? He's just kind of relaxing there. He will be the model if Marcus Parks approves right now for the Cave Comedy Radio shirts. I approve. And speaking of Cave Comedy Radio shirts, we got Don't Come At Me With That shirts. I'm wearing them right now. They're available on cavecomedyradiomarch.com.

There you go. There it is. All right. A lot of fun things happening. Laker, the reason that you're on the show is because you texted me and you said you have something to promote. What do you want to promote? Let's get it done now.

I got a new podcast called Overslept with Chris Laker. Every day, as soon as I wake up, I record a podcast, seven days a week. And so it's not very good, but it's every day. Well, and who wouldn't want to hear that? Yeah. Okay. Marcus Parks, now you're with us. I am.

Thank God. Sometimes I look at Marcus and I realize I still have faith in humanity. That's all. Isn't that nice? Oh, and you look at me and it's like slug boy or whatever. Yeah. What? Yes.

You know what, man? It's just like sometimes I just want to log jam the world. That's extremely homoerotic and in a strange way. We have, who's with us? We have Zoe, Nikki, and Kristen. Christy. Christy! Yay!

Yes, they're also with us. And Eugene. Eugene, leave him alone! Kind of a fun joke there I played. All right, Marcus, let's do a news story. I got a news story. A tourist told Key West Police he mailed himself crystal meth so he could try the drug for the first time while on vacation.

Oh. And why not? So he tries it all when he's working, but then he also wants to try it all when he's on vacation. Robert Bear, 24, of Bullhead City, Arizona, admitted he mailed the package, which was meth wrapped in dirty socks and paper, to the inn at Key West, quote, because he was in town to party. Why do the socks have to be dirty? Well, that's the only way to wrap meth.

How did they find it? They're going through his mail. That's fucked up. This is what happened to Trump today. They went through his shit, and then they got to fucking talk about it. This dude just mailed himself crystal meth. How about you just leave him alone? Who is Trump?

I'm sorry. I keep hearing Trump this, Trump that. You know what I'm saying? And it's like, who is this guy? He's a casino magnate.

He's the guy from wrestling. Is he like, he's a boogeyman? He's like a big, he's a woolly mammoth? He's the guy from The Apprentice.

What is, what? Yeah. All I know is X Factor. He was in the Playboy. Did he win the X Factor? Was he a judge on the X Factor. He was in the Playboy. Did he win the X Factor? Was he a judge on the X Factor? He is the X Factor.

Okay. Well, on February 8th, an employee opened the small box, which was addressed only to the hotel, and had a return address with the name Robert Dean Baer, who was not listed as a guest at the time. So it wasn't necessarily his mail. Oh, he fucked up. Oh, he fucked up. Yeah, he fucked up. He just put the address, 3420 North Roosevelt Boulevard,

his return address, and just sent it there with a box full of mail. I can't believe Robert Dean, the comedian, did that. Yeah, Robert Dean, a great comedian. Check out his work. I don't know if you can find it anywhere, but he is funny. So the hotel staff got a random box full of rotten socks and they went through it they went they just dug through it yeah doesn't that seem strange don't you throw away the rotten old shit in a diaper you wrap it up in the shitty diaper they're never gonna go

near it so the fucking hotel the guy either you throw it out or you or you keep it and do it yourself. Right. Well, hotel management called the police. Oh, I think that's bullshit. The fucking narc hotel. Yeah. When Bear came to pick up the package, an undercover detective posing as a hotel manager handed it over. Bear took the package and was stopped by undercover detectives in the lobby. And after a brief struggle, he was taken into custody.

I just figured out a fun joke to play on the future mother of my children. If I have to go change the diaper of the baby, right, I'll take the diaper off and I'll take a big shit in it and then I'll go, oh no, oh no, honey, look, the baby did a big duty today. It'll be a big human adult man. So you're gonna press a log of your poop up against your baby. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm going to take the diaper off. Oh, I thought you meant... Take a shit on top of the diaper. Okay, I thought you meant you were going to take a shit in the diaper and then put the shit diaper on the baby. First of all, we have to... Well, that's a whole other thing. But the detective who just... He dressed up as a hotel manager.

Okay, so that guy's an idiot um and then you would just do uh and then you you want your wife to react like oh that's this funny oh my god look what baby did but then the baby didn't do it alarming yeah like oh my god we gotta take the baby to the hospital like no it's my shit oh my god which is even more alarming because then she has to divorce you or maybe i I could give myself a bloody nose, put a shit in the diaper, and then like trickle blood all over it. And then she'll be worried. Well, wait until you have like an open roid. Yeah. Or a good bloody roid shit.

Luckily, I am roid. But I could be like, baby's got roids. And then it'll be like, baby don't got roids. And it'll be like in Monster Squad when they're talking about Wolfman's narts. It'll be like, baby don't got roids. It'll be like in Monster Squad when they're talking about Wolfman's narts. And it'll be like, baby's got roids. Because I'll show her a blood-filled diaper with a giant human man shit, adult man shit in it. Yours.

Probably, unless I pay a man to do it. But that doesn't sound like a smart way to do commerce. No, it just actually gets worse. Yeah. Yeah. Worse and worse. Huh. Well, I guess.

How much would you ask for your shit for a gag? For a gag like that? For not sexual purposes. Just a gag. A gag dookie. Well, I guess I would charge what it costs to make, so probably three Papa John's pizzas, so we're looking at about $18.99.

There you go. Yeah, that sounds right. Actually, no, Chipotle sub. I mean, Chipotle burrito. That's $12. I want $20. Is it that expensive for a Chipotle burrito? I am incorrect. I get a Chipotle burrito, all the fixings,

and chips and the hot salsa that they serve there, and a drink, and it's like $14. Guac? No guac. That is way too much. Oh, guac it up. No guac. You only live once, man. Well, I think that's too expensive. All right it's like $14. No guac. That is way too much. I'll guac it up. No guac. You only live once, man.

Well, I think that's too expensive. All right, fine. I'll get some guac. Isn't that too expensive, Marcus? $14 for a burrito? Absolutely. It's a bit much. I think it's way too much.

But you're also paying for the shitting your lights out that will happen about a half an hour after consumption. I mean, I am telling you, you got to be near a bathroom. Just like if you ever eat at the Halal Guys. That's the Halal cart. It's the greatest Halal cart in all the land. But if you eat there, you need to be very close to a bathroom.

I'm talking like sprinting distance from a bathroom. I think that means that there's fecal matter on the chicken and overall like sanitation issues. Because those guys don't have a bathroom and they're eating there. Yeah, they're gobbling it up. They're fine with it. I'm disturbingly not shitting

my brains out like I used to after eating Chipotle because of how much I eat there. My body has adjusted. Well, you look good. I think you guys are selling yourselves short. I think you can get a solid $40 for a joke, Duke. For a joke pooping? Yeah, someone pays you to take a shit in a box. I think $40

is pretty reasonable. Oh my god, next thing you know, Brad Pitt's looking at it at the end of the movie Seven. Brad Pitt. I mean, this is ridiculous. There you go. And you never know, you're complicit in a crime, your DNA is all over your dookie, you don't want to be giving that away for any amount of money. That's why it's $40.

You were saying you were going to do it for three Papa John's pizzas. Well, that's before I realized what could possibly come of it. They're dipping their knives in it, stabbing a series of gang members. Matt Damon. That's awful. Yeah. $60. George Clooney.

$60. You got yourself a deal. You got a deal. I'll do it for $60. You've got a dookie deal. So $120 you get the deal. $100 you get the both of us. Now, what are we talking about?

Isn't that the wildest thing? I want to hear from Eugene. When you shit in that bathtub, Ben. What? I didn't shit in the us. Now, what are we talking about? Isn't that the wildest thing? I want to hear from Eugene. When you shit in that bathtub, Ben. What? I didn't shit in the bathtub. Oh, my God. I still get messages. And Chris, thanks for bringing it up.

Yeah, you well should. We're shitting in the bathtub. I didn't. It was your girlfriend that did it. Oh, my God. I wasn't there for three days. Oh, and how many shits have I seen in the tub since I moved in with her? Four.

And how much do you pay her for? That has nothing to do with that. Lord. Joke Duke. Matt Damon. Good Lord. Was in Mars. Four.

It doesn't matter. For those of you who are new to the show, there was a huge scandal a few years ago in which somebody shat in Ben and Holden's tub when they lived together. It was not me. There was no way it could have been me.

It was definitely him. I was out of the apartment for three days. I think it was either your girlfriend, yourself, or our roommate at the time.

A story always changes. You know, a consummate flip-flopper will change the story on you. You know what I'm saying? It doesn't matter. I mean, could you imagine if this was in a court of law?

I'm watching People vs. O.J. Simpson right now. I know how this works. Yeah. Okay? He's trying to make this a race issue. All right? Oh, my God. In no way did O.J. shit on the crime scene.

I'm sorry that the riots happened. But it's got nothing to do with you shitting in a damn tub. All right? Well, I didn't. All right? So don't make this a black lives matter. This is a court of law. Say crap. so don't make this a Black Lives Matter. This is a core law. Say crap.

I'm still sticking by my delivery man theory that since you guys used to leave your front door open all the time. We still leave it open. We still leave it open. Why did you leave it open? An elephant's parade. I didn't leave it open.

And I think that a delivery man. My favorite part of a Disney movie, Dumbo, Elephants on Parade. Yes. It's so terrifying. Anyways, Marcus, I'm sorry to cut you off. Yes. So the delivery man, it is the first door right next to the front door of the building.

I think a delivery man was either on his way up or on his way out, really had to take a shit, went over, knocked on the door. There was nobody answering. He opened the door. It was unlocked. He goes inside. He shits in the bathtub because he doesn't have enough time to shit in the toilet and then leaves.

And that delivery man that delivery man was Mr. McFeely from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood and he is the one who needs to be on trial. You know what? I'm starting to think. I'm starting to think. Joke Duke from the super. Ben Kissel, your remarks. Ben Kissel your remarks

Ben Kissel your opening statement uh well he's the only Puerto Rican left in the building we had a contentious relationship he was he is bow legged Tony oh yeah we didn't have a contentious relationship I screamed he screamed yeah but didn't you just yelled

at him for no reason all the time because you weren't satisfied just like 9-11 we gotta all the time because you weren't satisfied. You're old. Just like 9-11, we got to follow the money. Yeah, that's the thing. There was no money. Where's the money going 9-11? Oh, it went to the Port Authority.

The guy who bought it. The insurance guy. All right. Eugene, you're a longtime listener. Who do you think shat in the tub? Come on up here. Let's get a listener's approach. I do believe it was the certain man that admitted to it.

No? Henry Zebrowski. Yes, indeed. Thank you very much. Henry was in Los Angeles. He went too real for it. Thank you so much, Eugene. It was definitely Henry Zebrowski.

He poops everywhere he goes, which is actually a truth. Did he not poop at your house when he had a meeting two days ago? You can always tell Henry's about to take a shit in the wintertime because he takes off his sweater, paces around the room for about five minutes, and then goes and takes a dump. Like a chihuahua. Every time he comes over to my place to write. Yeah. Before we can even start.

And it's the pace. I've seen the pace around. Matt Damon. What is he? Is he considering whether or not it can wait? I don't know why he paces. He's like, I'm going to take off this sweater because I'm not sitting on a toilet in a sweater.

I get that right there. Understandable. When you were a kid, I had the one friend who would get completely naked to take a shit. I got that right there. Understandable. When you were a kid, I had the one friend who would get completely naked to take a shit. Oh, that's right. I did it as well.

You had the friend, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah? We all had that friend. It's cozy. It's a better way to do it. It makes no sense to me. I hate shitting when I'm naked.

If I get out of the shower... Can you imagine if you have the friend who does the inverse, who just wears all of their clothes when they go into the bathroom and refuses to take them off. Puts on a jacket. Puts on more clothes, bundles up more,

walks in in a blanket. That's horrible. I would be questionable. When do you ever see that person? First of all. Second of all, if, okay, if I'm like, worst case scenario, by the way, if you do have to take a shit right after getting out of the shower, I would rather dress and take the shit in my clothes than take the shit naked.

It's just, everything's rolling over itself. clothes than take the shit naked. Everything's rolling over itself. I love taking a shit naked. Whoa. What kind of psychopath gets out of the shower and takes a shit? That's the thing. It's not a thing you want to happen, but sometimes it can happen. I would just jump

back in if I was still wet. I would jump back in and rinse off again just to feel clean. I didn't say you wouldn't do that. I'm just saying that sometimes I may have eaten a Chipotle burrito, decided a shower would be good to get some of the drippings off of me, get out of the shower, forget about the time frame, about the 30 minutes, and then definitely a runny shit will happen Chipotle scenario.

Or just shit in the shower. That's the thing. Whoa, wait a second. I think he's trying to catch me in the crosshairs, Ben Kissel. I don't know what he's doing, buddy. You'll have to get out of those crosshairs yourself. Chris, what are you doing? No, it's like if you're in the shower, you gotta take a shit in the shower.

Keep playing those mind games. I'm having deja vu. Really? Yes, I had a dream about this exact episode about four years ago, and we have about three episodes left of this show. But is it one of those where you had- I swear to God, I did. Really?

I had it, yeah. Did I have female breasts in the dream? No. Okay, because a lot of times you have- No! Female breasts in my dreams? No. Okay. Because a lot of times you have female breasts in my dreams. No. No. That doesn't mean anything. No.

Absolutely. If you sexualize people that you wouldn't typically sexualize in your dream, that doesn't mean anything, right? No. Well, it could. I think it's fine. All right. Have you been sexualized in your dream? Nobody. Nobody. I'm just saying, if there's people, yeah, it's fine. All right. Have you been sexualized?

Yeah. Nobody. Nobody. I'm just saying, people, yeah, it's nothing. Have you been sexualizing?

It just happens randomly sometimes. Dreaming of avocados with a vagina. Extra money for that guac. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, no, no,

no, I'm never fucking an avocado. Seems like you got someone very specific in mind That you've sexualized in a dream No no no I don't know what you're talking about Well for those listening at home

He is aggressively touching me And I think that's great And I'm all for it it's nice to be loved Okay Marcus Shout outs to Joke Dukes Alright Marcus I'm sorry I cut you off Zoe how are you doing She says good Good to Joke Dukes. Joke Duke. All right, Marcus, I'm sorry I cut you off. Zoe, how are you doing?

Good. She says good. Good. Okay. Let's see. We're also... Let's go to India for our next story. Joke Duke story.

Yeah. An Indian publisher has caused a furor with a school textbook that encourages children to suffocate kittens as part of a scientific experiment. The book, which is used in hundreds of private schools in India, includes an experiment in

which two kittens were placed in separate boxes, only one of which had air holes. The text read, put a kitten in each box. Close the boxes. After some time, open the boxes. What do you see? The kitten inside the box without holes has died. Schrodinger's cat. Yeah. But this is just suffdinger's cat. Yeah.

But this is just suffocating a cat. Right. To display the theory. To display the theory that if something does not get oxygen, it will die. Is it a real cat? I mean, it's just, yeah. You're supposed to put two real kittens in two boxes, one of which has air holes, the other does not. If you open the box that does not have air holes, the kitten will be dead.

Well, why doesn't the kitten just make air holes? Yeah, with its claws. It should be teaching you survival ethics. Absolutely. Is this like the Indian equivalent of the volcano made out of clay? Mm-hmm. So this is like the go-to science experiment for the fair? Suffocated kitten.

Yeah, like, look, I made a cat die. Yeah. Pretty good. I always hated that when we used to have to, you have a little plant and you gotta put a little flower in there,

a little planted pot there. You put the flower in and then the flower goes through the maze to get to the sunlight. Yeah, I always thought that was a bullshit thing with the flower.

I never did that. Remember that? The flower, it had to find the sunlight on top of the shoe box. Like a maze? Like a little maze. And this was to show how people were able to be good at coal mining or something.

I don't know what it was for. The flower. Remember that? Chris, you remember that growing up. You never had to do that. I never had to do that. You never had to do that. You never had to do that. Yeah, you put a little potted plant there on the bottom of the shoe box, and then you put that in the beginning of the semester before they kick you out, and then you plant

the seeds, and then throughout the whole semester, the flower grows, and it grows in the wind. I remember growing, putting seeds in a thing and watching seeds. School was garbage. Well, it's just a bunch of photosynthesis. I said, I don't see a photographer around. No models here. But breasts. Do you not remember that?

No. No. Well, I remember having a really hard time coming up with science experiments. It was hard. I remember hating that. You know. Viciously. No.

Eugene knows. What's the whole point? And what was the whole point of that? The whole idea of this. Pull towards the sun. The sun. Pull towards the sun. That's exactly what Ben just said.

Yeah. It doesn't make us remember it anymore. Well, then what the heck kind of class is Rosario? Were you in some sort of seminary school or something? Very religious school. GNFC, Good News Fellowship Church. Yeah, there you go. Terrible people.

Good News Fellowship Church. Yeah. But there weren't any PlayStation Network shout-outs there. All right. Well, a teacher who was teaching the textbook said that she wasn't aware that any student actually conducted the experiment. Indian textbooks frequently make the headlines for their glaring mistakes and controversial content. Last week, a passage from a textbook in Maharashtra State caused outrage over its assertion that, quote, ugly and handicapped women had led to a rise in dowries claimed by the groom's family.

But now if you put beans in a potted plant and you make a maze and you put a top, you give it a little opening in the top, it will find the sunlight. It will find the light. Photosynthesis. And it's the same way with those women. You give them hope, they'll find the light. Photosynthesis. And it's the same way with those women. Mm-hmm. You give them hope, they'll find a husband. If you marry an ugly woman or a handicapped woman, you get a little extra dough? Yeah. Oh, that's a good deal.

No bad deal at all. Good Lord. If only we lived in a situation where we could pay each other for the less attractive, less able. It's like this chick's got a limp, but you get a PlayStation. But they don't do it for the men, though. No. No, the men. They should do it for both.

No, the man's always on top. Well, even if they're not able to be on top. I think it's money. If you got dough, then you're good. Arranged marriages and such. It's nice to have an arranged, you know, nice to have order.

Would you like to be in an arranged marriage? Absolutely. Sell me off. Okay. You would like your, you would like your mother and father to choose your wife. Your parents.

My parents. Your parents. Would be thrilled to choose a woman for one of their sons. What if they were like, you know, the funny thing, they didn't go to my brother's wedding, Chris's. Your parents would be thrilled to choose a woman for one of their sons. What if they were like... You know, the funny thing, they didn't go to my brother's wedding. Chris is here.

He was here. Yeah, they didn't go to his wedding, but they would be more than thrilled to go to my wedding, no matter who they marry me off to, as long as it's theoretically a woman. Theoretically a woman. What kind of woman do you think they'd choose for you? Honestly, Chris, what kind of woman do you think they'd choose for you? Honestly, Chris, what kind of woman do you think they'd choose? Come to the microphone, Chris. This is an audience

one. Somebody wholesome. A nun. I think Amish with the bonnet and a very Walmart-inspired outfit. Oh, a Mennonite. I saw a bunch of Mennonites on the subway today,

but the dudes were dressed normal and the women were all bonneted up. Yeah, but were they wearing Nikes? I didn't notice. Because that's the thing about Mennonites, especially back home, is that they would make all their own clothes, but they didn't know how to make shoes,

so they'd just buy Nikes. I think they're talking about a female baby. A big adult baby, which we could do the fun shitting joke that I brought up earlier. That was a fun joke. Well, you've got to make a baby with your arranged marriage. You don't just get arranged marriage and not have kids. That's insane.

You have to do it through a sheet. Or whatever. You poke a hole in the sheet and pretend to be a ghost while you have sex with a woman. What does that sound like? No. I'm haunted. Is when you shoot out all your fun cum.

That's fun to do anyway. The shoot's a fun thing to do. If you shoot cum in one of those mazes where you put the metal ball in the thing and you have to turn the cords, the knobs in order to get the ball through the maze, the cum will avoid all the holes and get to the end. Like the flower.

Yes, just like the flower. Interesting. Yeah. I tried that. They did not like that science experiment back when I tried it in high school and later in college. But I did it anyways. They don't want you to start with the jizz until grad school.

That's the thing. No jizz experiments until grad school. That was exactly what the principal told me and the dean of the college. But I got him back. Because they'd all be jizz. That's all they'd get. You got the dean back in a way. Oh, I definitely got the dean back, right?

I got up with my buddies, right? It was like I got a good prank for the dean. And I tried to do the human shit shit thing but they weren't into that so instead we called him we were like oh 145 pizzas have been uh delivered to your uh or being delivered to your house and he was like that's not true at all it's like what you're gonna have to come to the pizza pizza place to get this sorted out and then he left his house and we burned it down. We burned down his house. Well, that's nice he wasn't in there. Didn't realize he had family members. He did, okay.

So that was troubling. And how many of his family members burnt there? Four to five. I'm not sure how many were in the house because it burned to the ground. He should have just let everybody party and not be such a fucking dick that day. I know, right? We drank a keg out front while it happened.

But did he end up getting some pizza? I don't believe so. He didn't. I believe he was emotionally broken after that. Lose your whole family, yeah. But I definitely was able to do my science project. How fast can I get it up and then also come, which is.45. Wow.

Did you go to Subway University? No. Marcus Parks. I got a news story out of Monroe, Washington. Sure. A Monroe man was arrested Wednesday after police said he wrote a text attempting to hire a hitman to kill his wife and young daughter, but accidentally sent it to his former boss. What happened?

Yeah. He tried to send a text to a hitman and say, hey, I want my wife and young daughter killed, but he accidentally sent it to his boss. Oh, I hope his boss texts something back that was fun. Like, you're fired. That is kind of fun. You can't text these things. Everything is recorded.

The hitman was getting a text message? That doesn't make any sense. The hitman was probably a cop too. They're always undercover cops, those hitmen. Always. I've got the text message right here. It says, hey Shane, how's it going? You remember you said that you would help me kill my wife? I'm going to take you up

on that offer. Her life insurance is worth one million and if you want a bounce you can kill my daughter. Her life insurance is 500k. I go to work at 5 in the morning. She goes to work at 2am or 2pm

so if you can make a robbery gone wrong or make it an accident, she works at Walmart. She gets off at 11. I'll split everything with the insurance 50-fifter. 50-50. Please call or text me, please.

Of course 50-50. I think you were right with 50-fifter. I think he calls it a 50-fifter. It's a 50-fifter. Who the fuck would do that for 50-50? Fuck you.

I want 80% if I'm going to kill. Well, my biggest concern is when does this working class couple have time to be together? Because he's out there at 5 a.m. She's leaving at 2 p.m. Well, it's this Obama economy that's driving these couples to, well, it's the leftover. He might be the vice president, too. We don't know. We do know that.

And that's why these couples have to hire hitmen. Yeah. The former boss called the police who went to the wife's work and talked to her. She said they were having money problems because he's out of work, eh? Yeah. But said she wasn't aware of any marital strife that would lead him wanting to kill her and their daughter. Smart move. Don't tip them off.

Also, a person working at Walmart probably doesn't have a million dollar insurance policy. Yeah. He probably misread that insurance policy. Isn't that strange about the life insurance? It's probably $10,000. Yeah. Isn't that the strangest thing about life insurance, though? It really does let you know what you're worth.

Yeah. It's probably like five grand, but to him, he means like a million dollars. That's like a million dollars. It is like a million. I mean, for her, it's probably like maybe a discount at Target. 25% off. By the way, just like my girlfriend's mother, sending texts, they should be emails. Yeah.

These are long. She'll send book-long texts, and I'm like, Lexi, damn it. You know? And then I get confused and I fall asleep. Because I forgot what I was saying. I get scared. Yeah, of course. Well, actually, this guy's explanation might shed some light on that.

And I actually kind of buy this. He says when police talked to the suspect, he said he did write the text months ago, but that he was venting his anger at his wife for getting mad at him for talking to another woman and said he hadn't meant to send it. He said he often writes texts to vent his anger and saves them as drafts, but said his daughter must have accidentally sent it. He also told police Shane isn't a real person,

just a name he made up to vent. Huh. I kind of buy that. No. I think he's, I think, well, did he go to jail? He is in custody right now. Yeah, let him go. He's arrested on suspicion of two counts of criminal solicitation for first degree murder.

That is such horseshit. It reminds me of a public freakouts video I saw recently, which isn't really a public freakout, but whatever. Sometimes stuff slips through the cracks, right? Where this guy was trying to jimmy open this dude's apartment door, not knowing that he was home. And he had this cell phone camera out, and he busts open the door, and he tackles the guy to the ground, and he's like,

motherfucker, why are you trying to get my fucking door open? He was like, my door's broken, and I was just testing on yours to see if yours was broken. That's what this sounds like to me, just some weird excuse that he came up with spur of the moment to get out of the crime that he committed. No, he did not the crime that he but the problem is holding he did not commit a crime he's arrested on suspicion a suspicion of

wanting to uh to commit a crime which is not a crime this is thought crime this is nonsense this is uh he needs to be let go this is a over prostitution libertarian criminal solicitation of first degree murder is a crime i actually watched actually watched a HBO movie a couple of days ago that was about that whole... Remember that Houston cheerleader murder thing where the mom hired a hitman to kill the daughter of one of her daughter's cheerleading rivals? Well, of course. Holy shit, that's an HBO documentary? It's not a documentary. It's actually a movie they made in the early 90s with Beau Bridges and Holly Hunter.

It's actually really good. It's on YouTube. Beau Bridges is great. Remember him in Hot Shots? He won an Emmy for it. He did. For Hot Shots? No, for this movie.

Hot Shots deserves an Emmy. It's a movie, but it does deserve an Emmy. It does deserve an Emmy. They show it on TV. Yeah, they show it on TV lots of times. Why don't bad movies get Emmys? Why isn't there a bad movie Emmy award? You know?

Bad TV movie that you watched every single Sunday for a year. Sorry, Chris, I cut you off. No, that's a good idea. I also cut- That's worth being heard out. I also cut Ben off. Doesn't matter. And then I cut you off again.

If somebody you knew texted you that, hey, you killed my wife, and they were like, oh, sorry, I meant to send it to somebody else, would you rat them out to the cops? I wouldn't. I don't think I would. Depends on the friend. I would. Is it a friend or an acquaintance? Acquaintance.

Close acquaintance or like say hey at the bar? Say hey at the bar. Just like this guy's boss. Well, I'd tell the lady. I'd tell the lady friends. I wouldn't tell anybody. You wouldn't tell anybody? Would you tell him?

I would say, dude, you're kidding, right? And then he'd be like, oh, yeah. And I'd be like, okay. And then if she turns up dead, I'd be like, hey, sorry about this, but... I know he's fucking around. That's true. I guess you can just say. You don't even have to say anything.

He'd get caught. Every dude always gets caught. He's the first person to get picked up is the husband. The husband always fucking killed her, and he'll get caught, so you don't even have to say anything. Yeah, that's the thing. I mean, but you're right. If you get the text, you have the evidence.

Don't get rid of that evidence. The guy gets taken in because his wife eventually, of course, gets murdered. Right, if you get the text, you have the evidence, don't get rid of that evidence. The guy gets taken in because his wife eventually, of course, gets murdered. And you have that evidence. I think you respond back, you say, hey, I have the evidence. I don't want to put some dude in jail when he didn't do anything. Citizen Kane actually became famous on television. And it's one of the best movies of all time.

That is true. And Rosebud is the sled. So if you haven't seen the movie, that ruins it. Rosebud? I never saw it. Really? No, I don't.

Rosebud is the nipples of Nixon's wife. That was the nickname he gave Nixon's wife. Buddy. Yeah, it was Buddy Nixon's wife, what he Nixon's wife. That was the nickname he gave Nixon's wife. Buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, yeah, it was Buddy's, Buddy, you know, Nixon's wife, what he called his wife. He also called her Nipples Rosebud. He did. And the sled. I thought it was her pussy.

And the sled is Citizen Kane. You're right, you're right. It is Nixon's wife's pussy was named Rosebud. Isn't that something? And then Citizen Kane, he's trying to find out, you know. Well, wild. But you're saying Citizen Kane should get an Emmy. But't that something? And then Citizen Kane, he's trying to find out, you know. Well, wild. But you're saying Citizen Kane should get an Emmy. But how about this?

It got an Oscar. It got an Oscar, but you're saying it's on TV. It should get an Emmy. Yes. But how about Lethal Weapon was a great movie. Now it's the best TV show ever. I haven't seen it, but it's got to be. It's about Lethal Weapon.

Should Lethal Weapon, the TV show, get an Oscar? Well, absolutely. I think that sounds great. Yeah, it should be called the cross-promotion Oscar. Best cross-promotion. It would be Lethal Weapon and I don't know what else is on TV these days. I tried to watch it earlier. And then they switched it where the crazy guy, I think the crazy guy is...

Is sane? Ooh. I think the crazy guy is a black guy. Riggs is the crazy guy and Murtaugh is the level-headed one. And they're both young. I just miss BattleBots. Because no one wants to see the old dude. Well, yeah. BattleBots. Remember that?

The robots. Yeah, the battle. Oh, that was fun. I was just like finding weed, watching BattleBots, playing Tony Hawk. Dog with a W. Cool guy. You ever try to build one? What's that? You ever try to build a BattleBot?

No. I am currently building a BattleBot. You are? Mm-hmm. What is it like? There's a secret room in my apartment that Lexi doesn't know about, and I'm currently building a BattleBot in there. Yeah?

What's its name? That's all I'm going to say about it. I cannot tell you that. Is that all you can tell the room? Do you do currently building a BattleBot in there. That's all I'm going to say about it. I cannot tell you that. Is that all you can tell the room? Do you do anything besides build BattleBots? I can tell you three things about my BattleBot. It's up to you to ask the questions. Okay?

What color is it? Orange. Who cares? That's one thing right there. That is one question I do want to know. What is its primary function of offense? Telling secrets. What's its political affiliation? That's it?

That's the last one? God damn it, you've ruined it. Sorry. Okay. Its political affiliation. Yeah, what's its political affiliation? For everyone in America and the world to hear straw hat party. It's a straw hatter.

I don't know what that is. Look it up. Dog with a W. Actually, you know what? Without a W. That was the old me. The new me doesn't do it with a W. Kind of a different you, huh?

Different me. Different me, different day. That's it. Different you all around. Beachcomber hats go for $26.99 on Oriental day. That's it. Shower's new. All around. Beachcomber hats go for $26.99 on Oriental Trading Company. No one wants to change that.

No one wants to tell you secrets. You can actually you can get a straw beach hat for $2.99 at Party City. In orange? No, just regular. No one wants to change that.

No one wants to tell you secrets. You can get one with flowers. On how to change that. You can get one with a lay on it for $3. Really? Yeah. $2.99 for the beach hat without the lei, but $3 with the lei. Who's going

without the lei? That's crazy. They should lock you up. You know, in that Matt Damon Mars movie, pretty much everything's like scientifically on the level. Yeah. Interesting. It's pretty good. Alright, now it's time for something from Old Manelli. It's time we. All right. Now it's time for someone from all Manali. It's time.

We are reaching baby. All right. Uh, it's time for us to figure out which Ninja Turtle or Ninja Turtle villain we would all be. Okay. I'm Leonardo. Well,

we got, I'm Michelangelo. Chris. What's the other one? Donatello. I'll be Donatello. That's the segment. And this is the show.

And what a show it's been. Wait, wait, wait. That's technically the show. I'm actually really pleased right now. That worked out perfectly. I love Rafael. He's emotional. He's got size.

Michelangelo was my favorite. He has the nunchucks. He loves pizza. He was definitely the stoner of the group. Yeah, Leonardo. I mean, he knows what's happening. The leader, the swords. You know, he keeps shit going down.

Emotionally unstable, though. Very emotionally unstable. Ready to snap at any moment. And Donatello is the guy that doesn't even know what he is, what he's doing. Yeah, perfect. He's got the big stick. Oh, yeah, well, who doesn't? What villain are we all?

Three, two, one. Krang! Bebop. I love Bebop. Bebop is so fun Shredder I guess No you're not Shredder No you're not Shredder I'm just the only one

I know the name of Bebop, Rocksteady, Shredder Foot Clan Baxter, Baxter McFly There was a toy truck thing I thought I could say what I am It would shoot out pizzas. That's what he and Chris is.

Chris is the big truck that shoots pizzas at people. But that's a pro turtle truck. Yeah, that's a good thing. Three, two, one, crank. I'll be whatever. I don't care. But I don't see what's wrong with Shredder. Nothing's wrong with Shredder.

I mean, a bunch of things are. We can pick whoever we want, but't scream Shredder to me. We can pick whoever we want, but the rest of us have to approve. Which just seems a little bit like he is a villain, but you're just not him. I'm not a villain.

The Rat King. Ooh, yeah, the Rat King. All right. I'm not going to argue it. Yeah, why not? I don't like the idea of me saying Shredder. Like, oh, you dare to think that you could be shredder?

You're fucking... Well, in Trump's America, April is a villain. News. Fake news. All right. Well, fuck yeah, man. That worked out great. Yeah.

Such a perfect episode. I think top to bottom, this is the greatest episode of the roundtable of gentlemen of all time. Oh, yeah. The people on the Facebook group and overall... Screaming about it. Yeah, they're just going to love it so much. Yeah, powerful stuff. Impactful.

Okay, Chris, what do you have to say? And what are your top four regrets? In life? Just whatever. Sure. Okay. That Hyundai accident that I had was pretty bad. Becoming an accountant ever. That's right.

You were an accountant. Yeah. But now you have no money. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, better than being an accountant. Yeah, it's fine. Better than being an accountant. Yeah, it's fine. I get by. That's it, man.

I don't have four. Those two times two. I would say my marriage, but that was all right. Yeah, there were good points. That's right. You were married. I was married, yeah. You live, you love, you learn.

And who said that? Shakespeare. Absolutely. And Oprah. Live, laugh, yeah. You live, you love, you learn. And who said that? Shakespeare. Absolutely. And Oprah. Live, laugh, love. Live, love, laugh, learn to love again. If you jerk off into a maze, it will find its way out. Perfect.

All right. So, Chris, everyone should listen to your new podcast. Yeah, go to chrislaker.com. It's all there. All right, that's fine. And this week in Jackin'. Oh, yes, right here on CCR. Yes.

All right, anyone want to do any plugs? Yeah, please, Holden's Joke Dukes. I'm starting a website tomorrow. It should be up, holdensjokedukes.com, and I'll be shitting in jars and sending them to people who want my dukies for fun practical jokes, especially if you have a baby. If you have a baby, it's a 20% discount.

I don't know. What do you guys think? How much should I be selling these dookies? I think $40. I think $40 is a more than reasonable price. $40. $39.95. $39.95. Plus shipping. With the discount, so it's like $37 or $36 with the discount.

Seems a bit too pricey for me, but that's fine. Well, you put in promo code ROGAN and you get 10% off. There you go. And free tickets to see the next MMA fight. Yeah. Wherever it is. I don't know where it is. All right.

Well, that's it, Marcus, huh? Yeah, go to Cave Company Radio, merch.com for Don't Come At Me with that T-shirt. Oh, my God. The new shirts are hilarious and amazing. You're going to love every one of them. Oh, yeah. It's like in the big dog style, and it's got a dog that's pointing at you, and he's got a shirt that says CaveComingRadio,

and on the side it says Don't Come At Me with that. You can't not have it. No one's ever going to come at you when you're wearing this shirt. You can't not have it. You got to get it. You got to pay out the passport. If someone's coming at you every day, every day you go to work, someone's coming at you, as soon as you walk in, you get the shirt,

and you can say, don't come at me with that. Excuse me, sir. Can I? No, don't come at him with that. Can I pay you $100 for that very good T-shirt, sir? Don't come at me with that. Wow. No, you're actually wasting my time. Oh, okay. Don't come at me with that. Wow. No, you're actually wasting my time.

Oh, okay. Don't come at me with that $100. So this guy in studio wants to pay $100 for that shirt? Yes. I'd love to pay $150 for that shirt. You don't come at him with that. Please come at me with that. There you go.

I can't believe that guy wants to pay for it. He came at me, and I took his money, and I said thank you. There you go. Interesting. Okay, everyone. We'll talk to you go. I can't believe that guy wants to pay for it. He came at me, and I took his money, and I said thank you. There you go. Okay, everyone. We'll talk to you soon. All right, everyone. Now it's time for a word from the man who puts the round in the round table, Ed Larson. Hey, everybody.

How you doing? Ed Larson from the round table of gentlemen here. I miss you. I love you. I miss you so much hello jackie hello ben i miss you holdenators holdenators ho i that's how much i miss everybody marcus arian nation hello how are you doing so i'm cruising through the jacksonville jumbo shrimp website here and it's

a beautiful website i gotta say you got fireworks to the left you got three short sentences affordable family fun good stuff i love it i love what you're doing here they even have a page that show us like where the concession stands are what they're called and the items that they sell a full menu list for the stadium they got this one cafe it's called southern fried freebird very cool leonard skinner reference i get it good job guys they double up on the references the chicken limp biscuit sandwich are you kidding me also i limp biscuit i mean they got their name off of cum on a biscuit, so maybe they should rethink that a little bit. But, you know, it's their prerogative.

It's a party town. It's a party town, and people like to have fun over there, and I get it. I get it. It's cool. They don't sell shrimp. Now, one place in this goddamn stadium, do they sell shrimp? You can't call yourself the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp

and not offer the people shrimp. You gotta sell shrimp. Sell shrimp. You gotta sell shrimp. Sell the goddamn shrimp. I love you. I love you, Jacksonville. I never thought I would love Jacksonville,

but the Jumbo Shrimp have really gotten me on board with your fucking town. And then you pull some shit like this so you're not selling shrimp at the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp Games. It's upsetting. You could fry them. Shish kebabs.

Something. Basket of popcorn shrimp even. You got nothing. Shrimp toast. It's going to start sounding like I'm autistic and I only live for shrimp. But, you know, that's your clientele. Okay?

Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp, that's who you're trying to serve here. So don't sugarcoat it and think you're doing something that you're not. You sell shrimp, it's a shrimp game. I love you. I love you, Jacksonville. All right, guys. I'll be back soon. And take us out. I figured I'd sing us a little

song. I know what you're thinking. I know what you're thinking. It's like, oh, big surprise. He's going to sing the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp song. And you know what? You're right. We are the Jumbo Shrimp here to play a game. Jumbo Shrimp, here to play a game. We are the Jumbo Shrimp, here to play a game. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.