The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 319: Pork Chop Platoon

Episode Date: March 3, 2017

The gang learns about an extremely unconventional masseuse and a cold, hungry snake, relives the times they've had their cars towed at Holden's house, and decide on awesome adult coloring book ideas.

The round table. Gentlemen. Aye. Let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen. And let them go watch what? I am a quail. It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. We're good. I thought we were just a show. We're in it, baby. We're going. We're in it, baby. We're talking about drinking beers with our ass. Talk about beating somebody's nose

to know who it is. Shout out to Jay Sullivan. Our well, dear God, let me find out who Jay Sullivan is. He's a weirdo. He used to stay down in the TV strapped to his chest in Union Union Square. You know who he is, probably. Union Square.

Union Square. Stop. Real attractive. Very attractive. No, I say there's like zero chance you've never talked to him. On a scale of 100 to completely fuckable, where would you put Jay Sullivan? I mean, 122. Woo!

Dear God, pray to that, Marcus. Thank you, dear Lord. Prayer's answered. That, Marcus. Thank you, dear Lord. Prayer's answered. That's it. Thank you, dear Lord. Prayer's answered. Hell yeah. How you doing?

What's going on? Let me see you work, work, work, work, work. Let me see you work, work, work, work, work. God damn it, it's an earworm. I work too much. What are you, hearing that song for the first time? That was the hot track of the last, early last year. Some shit.

It just played right before I walked into this room. And the second you hear it, you can't not sing it. You mean this song? Let me work, work, work, work, work. You better work, work, work, work, work. That's the one. Drake's on it, on that joint. She's an alcoholic.

Whoa. And she booze. Well, everyone is. Who sings that? RiRi. Oh, it's RiRi? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, RiRi's got a lot of problems. She's got to worry Well, everyone is. Who sings that? RiRi. Oh, that's RiRi? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, RiRi's got a lot of problems. She's got to worry, especially that name. Yeah. That's a tough name to have. That's a tough name to have. It's tough to get a job with that name. And you know when you get a job, you know what you do? You got to whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack,

whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack. Oh, Jesus. You turned into Fozzie Bear finally. I've got the fingernail color of a dead person. That's why I picked it out. It looks like I'm dead. It does look like you're dead. It's like a gray.

And the woman goes, oh, no, he's in style right now. And she said that, and I'm allowed to quote her. I know. I'm allowed to quote her. That's because she doesn't have, you know, she has too much of it because no one's buying it. No, no, no. She calls it in style. No, she's got all the magazines.

The magazines say it's in style right now, but it is a dead person's nail color. That is a dead person's nail color. Well, Ben Kissel. Marcus would know. I would know. I would know. Ben Kissel's not with us today. We're trying something new.

Hostless. We don't need no host. We don't need no host. I have no host. All we need's a ghost. Host. Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. I feel like the inmates are running the asylum. Who you gonna call?

Hostbusters. You fuckers. Yeah. I'm the horny nerdy one. I'm the horny nerdy one. I'm the weird goth one that's so worried about when is my pussy gonna blossom Marcus is fat and I stink Marcus is the ghost woman that gives us all the blowjob

Yay Marcus is doing that work work work work work Hell yeah So now what? We got no hoes We got no hoes Now what do we do? I want a break.

Someone take the reins. Take the reins, somebody. Ho, ho, ho. It is I, Santa Claus, and I'll take the reins. Can I sit on your lap, Santa Claus? Why, sure, fun girl. I want a puppy that's blind for Christmas so he loves me no matter what. Oh, my God.

My bone is about to explode. Jaggy? Yes? I'm Ed Larson. I'm back, baby. I'm back. Yeah. You were here last week.

But I'm in town now. Yeah, either way. Physically here. Nah, it's fine. I'm back, though. Take it or leave it. I've been gone. You are back?

Yeah, I've been gone for two weeks. Two weeks? Yeah. You guys didn't notice, I've been gone for two weeks. Two weeks? Yeah. You guys didn't notice, but the people noticed. Fuck you guys. That's really shocking. I had no idea she's been gone for two weeks. Man, you better watch out.

I'm going to be sitting here splayed eagle-wise. Let me ask you something. Where was your fucking ass? Don't worry about it. Where's your fucking butt ass? I've been trying to learn how to clean myself like a cat. I'm Ed Larson. Whoa.

Wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka. Ed Larson, back in charge. Living it right and he's living it long. He's not in charge. He's a monkey man and he loves to sing. He's a monkey man and he came to bring. Banana He's a monkey man, and he came to bring. Banana, banana, give me your juice. I can't get loose.

How about some anus? He's trash at freestyling, trash at rhyming. All right, I'm not trying to host here. But we got to get to the next thing, which is ninja. Ninja star! Ninja star! It's so dangerous. You know what I'm getting at.

We want to learn the way of the ninja. I just want to be invisible like a ninja. Okay, like a ninja. Ninja karate. PlayStation shoutouts. Is that what you're talking about right now? Is that what happened? I was getting worried you weren't going to do it.

I know, right? I wasn't worried at all. I was hoping and praying like a little white girl does. Everyone says Ed hates on the shout outs. You know what I'm saying? I don't like them. I thought you just said you were praying. I was praying you wouldn't do them.

I said I was praying you wouldn't do them. Jumbo shrimp, never. Whoa. Shout outs forever, says Habit of Rabbit. I demand a full hour of shout outs. Down with Adolph Kissel and Pole Parks. What's Pole Parks? Like Pole Pot.

Ho. Says Habit of Rabbit. Ooh. Emma says. Oh, let's hear this one. For Ben, I love you, but pull your finger out

and do another episode of the Ben Kissel Show. Go do it now. Quit fucking about. Ho says Emma. We got kicked out of there. I wouldn't be surprised.

He gets kicked out of most places that aren't right here. Well, it's because he's too big. And he's too drunk. CJ Roby. I wonder if he's related to Margot Roby. She owes me money. Oh, and Reggie Roby, the black punter for the Dolphins.

Who's that? Or Mrs. Roby. She was my junior English teacher teacher and she had the shakes. Ooh. MS? Yeah, yes. It wasn't fun. I want no fun shakes.

I want no fun shakes. I want one of those funny fun shaky people. I like a malt personally. All right. CJ Roby says, CJ Roby says, I demand Marcus

be called mega producer. Jackie, we both love you. But if you could say hi to my girlfriend Zane for me, she'd flip. Hey, Zane, do you want to touch on my pussy? Oh, shit. I'm calling it my pussy for the rest of the day. She's a naughty girl. Open my pussy and I will pay.

Get up in there and let the wind in. I'm going to get Ben real drunk and arm wrestle him in San Fran. Have you guys gone there yet? No, I've gone there end of this month. I bet you can't wait to arm wrestle this man. I would say as a piece of advice to this guy, you should probably just leave Ben alone. Probably leave him alone. That is sound advice. Please probably just leave Ben alone. Please probably leave him alone. Sound advice, please. Just leave Ben alone.

CJ says, Kev, wherever you are, real shit, and tell Big Fat Ed Larson to stop being successful so I can hear that crazy cackling in her mouth. I'm sick! You guys rock. Dat Doodant

says, Holdenators Ho I'm not organized this week I'll do one more President Popcorn Says That's a great name Can I get a shout out To Blockhead

Cause the only thing Bigger than his head Are his lies Kissel That's right Kissel for president And Holden is Andy Dick with

Gigantism I should have read That one ahead of time. Holden is up! Wait, wait. Does that mean that you screen them for anti-Holden sentiments? No, not at all. I've only screened them for the F word or the N word or the G word or the D word or the S word or the T word or the Q word or the V word. Or the D word, or the S word, or the T word, or the Q word, or the V word. Or a picture of an asshole.

Or a picture of an asshole, because you can't tell that to people. Man, it feels good to be back on the round table of gentlemen. Welcome back, Holden. Four weeks. Welcome back. Four weeks since I was gone working on my flying machine. Turns out they already invented airplanes. Oh, my God.

What are we going to do? Get all up there, Wright Brothers. I got this new one, though. It's got a spinny kind of blade thing up top of it. It allows you to kind of hover on like an airplane where you fly forward. Oh, like an up marine. Yes. Just wait a tick.

They already invented it. Yeah, they're called U-boats. No. Well, y'all want to do a news story? I love stories. Sounds like you're hosting. He's hosting. That's not hosting.

It's got to be organic. I do it every week. I do it every single week. Y'all want to do a news story? I would love a news story. Okay. Every time Lori Wheeler massages a horse, she risks six months in jail or a $500 fine. Not fair.

Why? Well, she said, her name is Lori Wheeler. She said, when I get a call from a friend whose horse is in the hospital and she's desperate, I'm going to go. So here I am in the horse hospital doing what I've been told I can't do or I'll go to jail. She shouldn't be announcing it. Where is she passaging the horses? Tennessee. Laper's Fork Where is she massaging the horses? Tennessee. Leaper's Fork, Tennessee.

I mean, where on the horses? So is she a horse fucker who now massages horses? No, she's a straight up horse massager. She says Wheeler practices a technique called myofascial release, which she says she learned at the Motion for Life School in Indiana. She says she often gets calls from local vets to help out a horse in pain. Oh. That's nice. I saw this thing online earlier. It was this woman who's giving bite massages. Yeah?

I saw that too. It's celebrity bite massages. Maybe it was on page seven. I think it was on page seven. We didn't talk about it on page seven. We didn't talk about it. No, no. It was on the Facebook page. But or bite? Bite. Oh, bite. She literally gets their that. No, no. It was on the Facebook page. Facebook page. Facebook page. Butt or bite? Bite.

Bite. Oh, bite. She literally gets their back. They have no shirt on. And she gets above them and she bites all over their back. Is it hard? It looks kind of, I don't know. It looks like, I mean, it's a massage.

She does it through a sheet, though, because my first thought was mouth diseases. We're in Dental Dam. Yeah. But no, she does it through, sometimes through a sheet up on top. I think the butt ones are through a sheet. I mean, it seems fake, but. Imagine biting Holden's back and all the fucking. All the satchels.

Sack cum that would squirt in your mouth. The sacks. Not even that. It's just the hair in general. Like, back hair is all right. It's like, I'm fine with it, but I don't want it in between my teeth. No. She calls herself Dr. Dot. That's not it, but I don't want it in between my teeth. No. She calls herself Dr. Dot.

That's not a thing. I don't like it. Celebrity's paying billions to get five minutes of a massage. Well, she's biting a hot woman in this picture, and she's beautiful herself. Well, she's a rock and roll type of lady. She got the name Dr. Dot from Frank Zappa. Oh, she's a rock and roll? I bet she inspected his dick

and I bet she inspected his balls. Yeah, but then the horse massager is just off the table. You're not allowed to do it. Well, you're not allowed to do it without permission. This woman's just going around massaging whatever horses

she feels like massaging. But it sounds like the vets are calling her up. Well, some vets are calling her up. Some vets are saying get your hands off of my horse. Maybe she should start biting him. By the way, never wear a ball inspector t-shirt to like a bar.

It'll be a bad time for you. Yeah, why? I thought it would be sexy. No, I thought it would be fun, but I ended up smelling a lot of balls that night. You don't have to smell them when you're inspecting them. You just grab them and tug. Yeah, you gotta smell balls when you're inspecting them. You just grab them and tug. What? Oh, no.

Inspecting is... Yeah, you got to smell balls if you're inspecting them. Yeah, you got to check that cheese. You have to tiny lick them. Aroma. So it's not full lick. It's just the edge of your tongue. Got to check that cheese.

I prefer to be a bad doctor. Okay. What does a bad doctor do? Not much. He's got the big C on the grade on his wall. I've seen those before. But what about, but Holden, didn't you used to have a vagina inspector shirt? I, a vegetarian shirt.

I'm sorry, yes. What happened to it? That's different. I still got it, baby. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Haven't been seeing it out around town lately. Are you now embarrassed of said shirt?

No, no, no, no, no, no. But I am in a dedicated relationship with a familian. Yeah, but if you are a vagina inspector, vegetarian, no, no, no, no, but I am in a dedicated relationship with a familian. Yeah, but if you are a vagina inspector, vegetarian of sorts, then you have to do it. It's what you're gifted at. No, no, no, no, no. I've been wearing it. You know, I wear it in the dark in my room with my woman where I should be most nights. And how do you say the word?

Vegetarian. Oh, okay. say the word? Vegetarian. Oh, okay. God. The accent shines through. I got another horse story that I just found from this horse story. I'll just read you the headline. He was a legend. Stormy the prison farm protest donkey dead at 40.

That's old for a horse or a donkey, isn't it? 40? I think horses usually only last like 25 or 30. Does that mean he was in prison? No, he was a prison farm donkey. So I guess he carried the hose? What did he do, Marcus? What did the donkey do?

Well, a champion in the long-fought battle to save Canada's prison farm system has died. The 40-year-old activist was at the forefront of protest against the former conservative government's decision to shutter Canada's prison farms. But more than anything, Stormy will be remembered for being a real ass. Ew. Man, Canada's just, you know what? I flipped my switch. I love a Canada. Really?

So now you hate Mexico and love Canada. No, no, I just definitely love Canada. You can only love one or the other. She hates Nova Scotia still. No, I'll go there for its beaches and its, what are they? Salmon? Puffins. Puffins.

I want a puffin, please. Oh, a tiny penguin? It's not a tiny penguin. It's different than a penguin. It's like a flying squirrel to a squirrel, right? Don't you ever liken it to a squirrel? It's not. I love a tiny penguin. It's different than a penguin. It's like a flying squirrel to a squirrel, right? Don't you ever liken it to a squirrel? It's not. I love a puffin. So what is a

puffin? It's a tiny penguin. I mean, it's penguin-esque. Yes. However, they're cuter. And they got those weird bills. Oh, yeah, like the cereal. The puffin cereal. Not the cereal, but yes, I am pro the cereal as well.

And they call a Puffin's pussy a muffin. Oh, don't go into a Puffin's muffin because it's got teethies in there. Is a cock a coffin? Is a cock a coffin? Yes. Or is that what you bury it in? Oh, maybe. Maybe you put it, oh, that would be the cutest little coffin ever.

Don't kill the Puffin. I ain't killing it, but I'm sure as shit burying it. Yeah. He respects the dead. They live amongst the seals. There's three kinds of puffin. There's the Atlantic puffin, the horned puffin, and the tufted puffin. Oh, that's adorable.

They are really cute, and they are cuter than penguins. Thank you. I appreciate that. Word is born. I think penguins are smarter, but I dig a puffin. So how'd the donkey die? We're talking about puffins. No host.

He was supposed to be, you know, he was a funny part of the campaign. They just put funny signs on him and then trot him around to help save the prison farms. He had one side that says, honk for prison farms staying open. Did he get hit by a car? He just died of old age. Yeah, at the ripe old age of 40. Prison farms are good. I'm with prison farms.

Yeah. Put them to work. But I guess in winter, there's a lot of winter in Canada. You can't really do much for like six or seven months. Put them to work. Potatoes grow in the winter. There's shit that grows in the winter. Not in Canada.

Nothing grows up there. Ah, put them to work. I saw this somewhere. I mean, I don't know if this makes me more pro-Canada or more anti-Canada, but I saw this. It was like an uplifting video. It was one of those clickbait things. And I watched it.

I got clickbaited. And it was like a kid that was playing basketball with his friends, and a new kid moved in next door, and he was in a wheelchair. And so when you saw him with the basketball. Why did you say wheelchair as if it were like an evil thing? Because the way you saw him, it was just like, in my head, I was like, oh, fuck. A kid next door with a wheelchair.

But that's not what he was thinking. What a jerk the next day the wheelchair kid saw a basketball out front of his uh new house so he went around the side where they were playing basketball before and they were all like they had like strapped strapped themselves to skateboards and strapped themselves like other wheel things so that they were all in the same like playing with the wheel boys yeah they were all the the same, like, playing field. With the wheel boys, yeah. Yeah, they were all the wheel boys. And so he felt like he was included in the end. It was like, this is Canada.

This is Canada. They never did it again. No, it made me happy. I was like, of course this is a Canadian thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because Americans aren't this nice. I mean, it was like a produced movie type thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you think their ghosts are nicer? Oh, yeah. Like, boo, sorry. Oh, but his ass, though. Justin whatever his last name is. I just know him as Justin Ass. Trudeau. Trudeau.

Oh, yeah. He's got a hyena. Ooh. And then there was a bunch of these old pictures of him. You're supposed to say, yeah, that's Trudeau. Yeah, that's Trudeau. Yeah, that's Trudeau. Is that why? Because that's his name.

His name's Justin Trudeau. Oh, that's fun. You like that? You like that? Oh, no. I'm repeating. It's so fun today. Fun.

He's the one all the girls are going gaga about, right? Hotty, hotty, hot, hot. He's super fun. And then they showed the younger pictures of him today. Hotty, hotty, hot, hot. And everybody is like, oh, my God. It is like, oh. It sent off my awooga flare.

Right? It's like if you're around a woman while she's looking, it's like stepping into a kiddie pool. It's just like up to the ankles. I was taking a bath. Taking a bath. All of the floor is a night. Pussy juice is everywhere. Own pussy juice.

I was like, why is it covered in and smell completely only like pussy juice in this office building? And it's because Trudeau, of course, is on a screen somewhere nearby. Trudeau. Goddamn, Ed. You're on fire. I don't know. I'm all right. I like the Trudeau joke.

But you know what I'm saying? Trudeau, though. Trudeau, he's a lazy pussy eater. I'm throwing it out there. How do you know? They don't have to work for it. What do you meanau He's lazy pussy eater I'm throwing it out there How do you know? They don't have to work for it What do you mean? He's getting bags

He's getting He's getting big old Big old breasts Hitting him in this God damn dough You don't know nothing About this guy What are you

Why are you such a Trudeau fender? I love him He's great That ass Oh I just want to Bite massage his ass He's their Obama.

What's your favorite physical part of his body? My favorite? Yes. Not Jack. I've never asked Jack this question. I will only ask him this question. His ass. It's his ass.

Don't answer it. She is not allowed to answer. I was going to say ass. Okay. But I'm going to go with his eyes. Okay. Boring. They're beautiful.

I want to bite into his ass like an apple. I believe they're crystal blue or maybe they're... No, it's a beautiful shade of blue. Okay, if you could bite into Trudeau's ass... Put peanut butter on it. No, that was not the question I was going to ask. Michael, good lord. Those are some peepers.

Those are some peepers. Give it, give it, give it, give it. Give it, give it. So if you could bite into his ass and you had the ability to transform into any wild animal that you wanted to right before biting, which wild animal would you turn into, Jackie? Toucan. Wow. Because I want to be able to get... Beak. Beak.

Inside. Oh, yeah. I'd be inside of it. So you want to put the nose inside of his hole and then open it and it blasts his ass open? I don't know. That's fun. Yeah, because it'll blast his ass open and then it'll get your mouth full of shit. Such an ass blaster, Jackie.

I love being an ass blaster. My P. Zane says it. I'm going to eat his eyes. Why are you doing that? That wasn't a question that was posed. That was just a bizarre statement that you made. That or what if I was like an anteater, so I had the long thing so I could ass blast

but also I could hard suck. See Jackie's suck? You know like an anteater Can you explain hard suck? An anteater sucks the ants up through his long nose. It's a suck. It's like a vacuum. See Jackie's answers make sense to me but Ed's wish to

eat the man's eyes. Well she ate his ass. What do you want, PCP? Yeah, exactly. It's a sexual wonderland for Jackie. What do you want, PCP? What do you want, an MMA fighter on PCP right now? Man, I wish. That's not a good time. I wish you were fucking with me.

How much is that truck? Not a good time. I wouldn't want to be around you at all. Ever, at all. Sucking his eyes out like you're on a bat salts in Florida. Run through a bridge. That would be fun. I dated a girl with a PCP problem in the past.

You don't want that mess. How do you have sex with someone that's got a PCP problem? She had a PCP problem before we dated. It's almost rougher that way. It's always subliminally meninny. It's just always there. It's a rougher that way because it's always subliminally meninny. It's just all kind of always there.

It's like a meninny. It's a meninny. You don't want any meninnies in your relationship. No, because a meninny is for eternity. Anemony. What does PCP stand for? PCP? Pussy.

Cocks. And pussies? And pussies. Well, then you would want to have sex with someone that's got a PCP problem. Pussy cock pussy. The pussy single the cock. We got a PCP problem. Phenocyclodine.

Phenocyclodine. Yes. Boring. Boring as fuck. I'm so glad we're in science corner right now. Someone fucking chew my eyes out of my head. I got a whole bunch of PCPs. Let me see if you like some of these other PCPs.

All right, what about President's Cancer Panel? Ooh. Bad? You know, Progressing Cavity Pump. Ooh. You know what? I'm going to switch a letter on you and up your ante. P-C-U.

Hell of a film. Love it. Love that movie. Love that fucking movie. Love it. Love that movie. Love that fucking movie. Love it. Gutter's great. What do you think about this one? I'll do it with the Pampers.

Pork Chop Platoon. Ooh, Pork Chop Platoon. Pork Chop Platoon. Okay, P-C-U versus Pork Chop Platoon. I mean, God, Pork Chop Platoon was such a great movie. I feel like Pork Chop Platoon sounds like all of the men I've ever had sex with. That's what they're all called. And we'll always remember Pork Chop Platoon. like all of the men I've ever had sex with. That's what they're all called. And we'll always remember Porkchop Platoon.

Credits roll. Fucking Tom Hanks fucking eating a girl out in the corner of the screen. Fucking Spielberg making millions of dollars. Fucking screaming about how much money he's making on this picture. Can't believe it. Hacksaw Ridge, Porkchop Platoon. Hamburger Hill, though, is a real movie. That is a real movie. That's Hill, though, is a real movie. That is a real movie.

That's pretty awesome. That is a real movie. Now, the men you've been with are all Pork Chop Platoons? I would say together their name would be the Pork Chop Platoon. Oh, yeah, the old Pork Chop Platoon didn't have a problem with it, Doug. That's what I say every time. He doesn't like something I do in bed. Just the combination.

A nightmare. My one-ton beauty. Now I'm just interested in a comedic standpoint how long we can just pin talking about just pork chocolate. How many ways we could fucking spread it out and how many minutes. So I imagine it's a team of pigs that we sent over. They're wearing army hats. Yeah, they're wearing army hats,

and we strapped grenades to them. Getting tattoos. Yeah, and if they don't, yeah, they're covered in tattoos. Yeah, and if they don't actually eat the victims, they blow up. See, I feel like it's more like the group of Jews that fought back in World War II. Yes. And then it's a funny name because they can't eat the pork.

Wouldn't it make more sense if it was a bunch of Nazis hunting Jews named the Pork Chop Platoon? I'm trying to give them their power back. I'm trying to give them their power back. What I like about my Pork Chop Platoon is when they blow up, you can eat them. My Porkchop Platoon is a jazz musician. I'm doing La La Land right now. Porkchop Platoon.

Oh, you want me to explain to you why jazz is great, Jackie? Are you La La Land right now? Because the man on piano is like... The guy on the saxophone is like, and the dude on the keyboard next to the guy on the piano is like, and the dude on the clarinet is like, I forgot you were Ryan Gosling. That's where they base the character off of. And when you hear it all together.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work.

Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. I'm Moonlight Are you team Moonlight?

You're team Moonlight I'm team Jackie No you can't be Because that's my name You got to say it I got to say it Get your that's my name t-shirts At cavecomedyradiomurch.com

Oh my god I say it so much I didn't know that was your your That's My Name t-shirts at cavecomedyradiomarch.com. Oh, my God. I say it so much. I didn't know that was your thing. That's my name. He didn't say the name, though. Yeah, but it's my name. You guys say, oh, hey, Ed. Yeah, I watched Jackie last night. That's my name.

It's just a today I was watching porno And I jackied all over my computer That's my name That's my name Natalie Portman was so good in that movie What was it called? Star Wars Episode 1 You piece of shit How dare you?

How dare you? Oh, I hate you. You know what they need to make? I'm going ahead and giving away the idea. Somebody write it. Professional 2 Matilda. Just make it. It's gonna be great. Oh, the little girl. She's all grown up and then she has to teach a little

orphan boy. A baby. She has to teach a little orphan boy. A baby. She has to teach a baby how to be an assassin. Baby how to fucking kill. I thought you meant like a sequel to the movie Matilda. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Her name is Matilda because it's Leon the Professional. So if it's Matilda the Professional, it's a great movie. Well, if you have to explain all of that to every single person who's going into the movie theater,

then it's not a movie. I will burn this building to the ground. You shouldn't. You shouldn't. You shouldn't, Ed. Nah, I shouldn't do it. I'm not going. It's an empty threat. All right.

Is a show without a host even a show? Yeah. I got a news story about a snake. I love stories. I love a snake. We should just only talk about animals from now on. Can we just make this an animal show? It's pretty much been just an animal show.

We've only talked about horses and donkeys so far. And now we got snakes. Let's talk about like forever. Yeah, I mean, we talk about monkeys a lot. God, I love them. Oh, man, how excited are you for this new King Kong movie, dog? Oh, man, we should do a big outing. Yeah, we got to do it right now.

Three Larson? Are you kidding me? We're doing a big group. We should do a big. We should invite anyone who listens to the show and you're in New York. Let's all go see King Kong together. We're going to do a Facebook event. We'll put it all together.

We'll come out. We'll all meet up at a place and we'll do it. Yeah. Or like Chance the Rapper. We'll buy all the tickets for all the showings. Yeah.

And then give it to everybody for free. Give it to a bunch of black people who want to go for free. You don't have this kind of money. Oh. There will be no talking in the movie. Only ooga boogas.

That's racist. It's not racist. That's not racist. Monkey noises. It's monkey noise. That's a King Kong noise. I'm talking about King Kong. Monkeys go ooga booga. That's not the sound that they make.

Ooga booga, ooga booga, ooga booga. He's throwing a hard B in there, but yeah, it works. That's for the monkeys that, you know, got like mouth problems. Monkeys are mean, man. Depends on the monkey. Coco's wonderful. She cried when Robin Williams died. Oh.

Are you sure? Man, you should see. It's a sad video. So they told it. So how did it understand? It showed a sad video. So they told it. So how did it understand? It showed a picture. Someone called to tell them that Robin Williams had died. And then Coco's like, who's on the phone?

Who's on the phone? Doing sign language. It was a man dressed in a monkey costume. And then they explained to her that Robin Williams died and she cried because they were friends. You haven't seen the video? I have not. You will lose your shit. I don't want to. It is so sad.

Oh, man. I had a cry fest this week. I was going to post it on the Page 10 video, but I didn't know if video? I have not. You will lose your shit. I don't want to. It is so sad. Oh, man. I had a cry fest this week. I was going to post it on the Page 7 video, but I didn't know if it was a probes. Florence and the Machine serenading a little girl on a hospital bed who died like months later. Was she hooked up to a machine? Well, maybe. Kind of.

She's with her friends. It's so sad. It's her name, Florence? She died like months. That's what that band's about. It's a probes. Maybe she was crying because. It's so sad. That's her name, Florence? She died like months. That's what that band's about. It's a probes. Maybe she was crying because her music was so boring. Okay, your team.

I'm with him. Your team Flo Flo, right? I shouldn't say it out loud because it hurts. I mean, it hurts my image. I love, it does not hurt my image one bit I love Florence the Machine I have all her albums Love it

Dog Days Are Over Fantastic song I'd rather listen to Grace Potter But she also kind of sucks Can someone put that on a t-shirt For that space Oh man That's fun

We got snake news We're talking about snakes. Talk about snake. A drunk who threatened to throw his pet python at a chicken shop manager has been fined nine pounds. Of snake. So this was in England. Yeah. Yeah.

No, that was a good joke. It was good. It was good. Sorry. I talked over it. It was my fault, Jackie. Tony Dando had walked into Dixie Chicken to ask staff for a blanket to keep his snake warm. But when the manager, Hamza Naeem, refused, the 30-year-old became abusive and threatened to smash his head in and throw the snake at him.

Trudeau! I'm Dando. You jerk. Did he throw the snake out of the room? He did not throw the snake While the rest of the staff hid in the back shop The manager handed two pieces of chicken to Dando In the hope that he would feed the snake

Which was wrapped around his wrist And leave I don't have blankets I don't need a blanket Please take the chicken It's just so irrational Yeah It's just so irrational Why would. It's just so irrational.

Why would he hurt me? I need a blanket for my snake. I only got chicken. I got a bunch of napkins. You want napkins? But the thing was is that Dando ate both chicken strips himself and cheekily asked for a drink to wash it down with. What an asshole.

I think Dando's an asshole. Well, he needed to work off the booze, I think, probably, drinking, eating that chicken. He'd been hanging out at the bookies all afternoon. What's that? I think the bookies is like where you bet on horse races, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. With his snake?

With his new snake. He just bought it that day. Or he won it in a fight. It sounds like he won the snake. He won the snake at the bookies. If he loved the snake, you wouldn't throw it at somebody. He just threatened to throw it. He's like, I'll throw my snake at you. Give me a blanket.

I'll throw it at you. Excuse me, sir. I'd like to fight you for your snake. That's a nice snake you got there. I'm going to fight you for it. Before I fight you, can I put a bikini on the snake? I got this tiny little snake-sized bikini. I want to put it on the snake.

I think your snake is sexy, and I want it to be my wife. You think it's a bad idea? I'm gonna fight you. Well, you bought the snake earlier in the day, but have been banned from taking it to his mother's house where he lived. Boring. A snake in a wedding dress. Now I've seen everything.

How old is this man? Did it say that he's living with his mom? 30. Yikes. This is analing. I feel like him getting a snake was probably the best thing that's ever happened to this dude. But he wasn't taking care of it right. He said he went to the nearby bookies where customers stroked the reptile and kept it warm.

You got to get a lamp. You can't get a snake without a lamp. England's chilly. Get a lamp. I once had a snake and it froze to death. Or a hot rock. You froze your snake to death? I didn't freeze it.

In Lubbock, Texas, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really warm and then it can drop like 30 degrees in one day. Oh, man. And I was at work all day and I didn't turn my heat lamp on when I came home.

He was frozen to death. I was in Texas the last couple days and I was hanging out with these Texans and we were mentioning all the big cities in Texas and we were like,

well, how about Lubbock? And he's like, man, they're weird in Lubbock. And I was like, oh, I got a buddy from Lubbock. I know you're not from Lubbock, but I got a buddy from Lubbock. And he's into dirt and bones.

So I would go ahead and say that's correct. Wait, I'm sorry. You said that the python was wrapped around his arm? So was it a baby python? No, it was a pretty big python. That was wrapped around his arm. It was a big enough python to throw, but small enough to wrap around his arm. Yeah.

I bet it was a ball python. Ball python, but that sounds not like a full-size ball python, or like a, you know. It's got to be a baby or a teen. Yeah, smaller. Mid-size teen. Mid-size teen, yeah. Because they're constrictors, correct? Yeah.

Ball pythons? Yeah. I'm not sure. He's like just getting into green day. He's just smoking cigarettes for the first time. That's in there. Yeah? I remember that.

How old were you when you had your first cigarette? I was in seventh grade. What does that make me? Whoa. Like 13? Yeah, 13. You were older? It was when I met you guys in college.

What? I smoked weed at 13 and I never smoked cigarettes. And then I met you guys and I was like, well, I got to smoke cigarettes to fit in. So really, you guys are the reason why I'm addicted. Smoke free. Ed? I didn't smoke cigarettes when you were in town. No, you were on parole.

I was smoking. So you were smoking cigarettes. Probation, not parole. I'm sorry. Big difference. I smoked a couple cigarettes in high school, but weed. Weed's better. Smoked weed for the first time at 14, first cigarette at 17.

Whoa, so sick. Wow. Weed first for me. That blows my mind, actually. First cigarette at 17. Whoa. So sick. Wow. Weed first for me. That blows my mind, actually. I had a couple beers before my first weed, but. Before your first weed? Before my first weed. Yeah, boy.

It's time you had your first weed. My first drunk was at 12. That's a whole other story. My first drunk was, 10th grade was everything else, pretty much. Actually, the first drug I did was Adderall, and that was like way early before yeah way before three oranges i don't even know they had that back up all night yeah yeah and then but everything else ecstasy uh math pcp mescaline uh poppers I don't know. Poppers. Wait a second. Downers. Loopers. Laughers. Alcohol. Laughers. That was all 10th grade, baby.

10th grade. Farters? Yeah, farters. Farters, yeah. They're almost as good as cummers. Yeah. I mean, I would way take cummers over farters any day. I don't know. Ed?

I said almost as good as cummers. No, no. Way better than cummers. I mean, way not as good as cummers. You should try my farters. I'm suspecting that those farters tickle the old prostrate and make you cum. Oh, man.

They do their job. Listen. How much can I buy a farter? How much can I get a farter for street price? Come back to my house. I'll give you your first one for free. I'm not going to your house. That's the last thing I'm going to do. No, just fart pals. Come on, man. Yeah, man. I'll fucking let them loose

and then I'll catch them again. We're going to do this in the back alley. We're going to do this in the back alleyway. I'm not going into your house. Fool me once, shame on me. Alright? Fool you twice, you did it again. That's it for the snake story That's it for the

Alright Yeah you got I got another story It's not a It's a Philly story Oh man Philly cheesesteak It's not a Philly cheesesteak story

A 22 year old Philadelphia man Was charged with making A false report After he allegedly Lied to police That a 4 year old boy Was in the backseat of his stolen Ford Escort to make workers, quote, work harder to find his car. Yikes. What? I don't even understand.

He told police that his- Someone stole his Ford Escort? Someone stole his Ford Escort. No one steals a Ford Escort. You know, actually, shitty cars get stolen more than really nice ones. That's right, because it's easier. Yeah, because most people don't report it, too. Yeah.

Happy it's gone. He got his Ford Escort stolen, but he told police that his Ford Escort had a four-year-old boy inside because he thought the police would work harder to find his Ford Escort if they thought that a child was in danger. How would you think this is going to end up when they realize they find a car maybe? Did he have a boy? Oh no, the boy isn't here. I guess he's at home with his mom. Thank you for my car. See you later. Or you find a boy, kill him. Just be like, put him in the

trunk. Yeah, when they come real quick. Or throw him on the side of the road and be like, look, there's a habitant. Or go to an amusement park by a pier, make a wish at a fortune telling machine. You're the having it. Mm-hmm. Oh, that's kind of fun. Or go to, like, an amusement park by a pier, make a wish at a fortune-telling machine. You're the boy now. Oh, backwards big.

Yep, backwards big. Big word. Little. Yeah, start calling Hanks. Let's have a secret meeting after this. Yeah, let's call Hanks. Let's get him in here. Let's do this.

Little. Well, detectives interviewed the guy who said that his four-year-old nephew was in his 1995 Ford Escort, but he was unable to provide a detailed description of the child or his parents. 1995. Let it go. Let it go. This is a frozen moment, bitches. You got to let that shit go.

I had a 91 Tempo. That's the car that lost the brakes that I rode around in with no brakes for a while. Remember that? Remember when you were fun? Yeah. I hate that you're an adult now. I know, I know. Now I'm not even allowed to drive a car.

I miss you when you were that, Eddie. Oh, the old days. I used to have to plan out my routes home so I wouldn't take any hills. I used the emergency brake 20 miles an hour everywhere I went. I remember that nightmare car. So many nightmare cars.

It got towed from your house and then I just let him keep it. Yep. You just let him have it. Let him have it. The perfect way to get rid of a car. How many times

my car got towed from Holden McNeely's house? There you go. My car got towed from there so often. One of my favorite things to do come over, park in my parking lot, call the tow company.

It was the greatest. It was the greatest. I just loved it. I don't know why. I just loved to do it. I remember I showed my I tried to show my cleavage because it was out in the middle of nowhere. But you dealt with the guy that turned around and his whole face was a tit.

It doesn't even face me. It doesn't even face me. It's my FC because my head is a breast. He didn't have, he didn't want it. He didn't have anything to do with it. I was like, but you could, he's like, you gonna let me touch him? And I was like, you can touch him if you want.

He's like, you gonna let me really touch him? And I was like, you can touch him if you want. He's like, you gonna let me really touch him? And I was like, no. Oh, Jesus Christ. And so I had to pay all the money to get the car out. Like a normal person. No, no, no, but hold on, hold on. But if he had not really, quote unquote, really touched him, you would have let him touch him?

What is not really? Is that like a graze, like a paw? I think it's an over the, like if he wanted to grab on me over my clothes, but I think he meant that he wanted to take it instead. I think really touch it means fuck you in this little weird house that we all work in. And it wasn't worth the $200 to me at the time. Get my dog, watch.

He just knew me so well at that point that I was like, no. Just get me the fucking car. I thought I could have done it, though. For a breast scrub, yeah. Sure. Give me the car back. $200.

Yeah, a breast scrub. A tit grab? $200? $200 for a tit grab? I'm a fresh 20-year-old girl. I was a lot thinner back then. I mean, street prostitute prices, 200 bucks for a breast grab is pretty expensive. It's insanely expensive.

I am Prime Rib. Vegas prices, that's expensive. I'm Prime Rib. I can pay $20 in a strip club and grab tits. Yeah. That's what I mean. I can pay $20 to suck my own dick. Can you?

Yeah. Cool. Yeah, I'm like Marilyn Manson. Who do you give the money to? Your girlfriend for putting up with you. That's a really good question, Ed. Who have I been giving the money to for that? Well, this guy finally admitted that he lied about the nephew, the detectives.

He told us he'd been robbed before and was unsatisfied with the resulting investigation. According to the police statement, therefore, he made up the aforementioned story to watch the police work harder. To watch them work harder? Yeah, they haven't found the car. Man. Car not found. They haven't found the car. I know what's going to happen to this guy in about two weeks.

He's randomly going to get the shit kicked out of him by the cops yeah especially in Philly yeah you know what are you gonna do he tried you know what

sometimes you just gotta try you gotta throw it out there try it see what sticks it's like throwing the spaghetti at the wall what do you guys think about people from Philly

I go both ways I'm alright with them they're either like horrible or like wonderful like it's the weirdest thing there's a hardness to them and it's different from New York Philly. I go both ways. I'm alright with them. They're either horrible or wonderful. It's the weirdest thing. There's a hardness to them and it's different from New York. It's a little bit more like, fuck you. The thing with

why they're like that is because people who come from out of town, they're like, oh, I'm going to go visit D.C. and I'm going to go visit New York and then maybe we'll stop in Philly. That's what Philly is. Maybe to jump for the sole purpose of getting a cheesesteak. Yeah, but Philly is a great fucking town.

It's a cool town. So I think it's a lot of bitterness, too, of like, don't you realize how great this Fuck you, this town's fucking good, motherfucker. I like Philly. And then you're like, you know, okay, I like Philly. That is literally, I thought you were from there for two seconds. There you go. I've always had a great time in Philly, wherever, any time I've gone.

I've gone four times, had a great time each Philly. Wherever I've gone. Anytime I've gone. I've gone four times. Had a great time. Each time. But I gotta say, half of the people are fucking a nightmare. I've also been like, I've had amazing times there. And every time I am openly sexually harassed when I'm there. And like, I'm not the kind of person that gets that very often. But it is like, but it was like so aggressive To a point that I remember I had to ask Henry To walk me to a gas station

And I was still getting like You wanna fuck Why were you walking to a gas station To get cigarettes And I asked Henry I was like stop whatever you're doing Walk me to this gas station And yeah so someone still wanted to have sex with me And I mean I really should take it as a compliment

Henry's like I'm her her brother don't say it he like walked into the gas station with us and the guy like obviously the woman knew him and she was behind bulletproof glass and he went over to the hot tea like where you can like put water in your tea and he just poured the water all over his hands so unintimidating i just feel like it's like you have a better chance without Henry there than with because people are like, oh, I can, I can, I can.

I'm going to beat up this nerd in front of his girl. Gives him the idea for more violence. Right. All it did was make me feel more confident in being a bitch, though,

is what it is. He's like, because if I'm in front of him, I'm like, oh, then I can be a bitch. So that's what happens to those people. But like I said, half of them are wonderful.

Are fantastic. I really enjoyed them. Wonderful, great human beings. All right. It's time for our second moment. Wow. That was fast as a fuck ass. No hoeski, no tiki, no shirties.

Apparently a fuck ass is 45 minutes long. I miss my old fuck-ass days. The segment today is Adult Coloring Book. In case you forgot. What's the theme? What's going to be in it? It doesn't have to be like porno just because it's Adult Coloring Book. It's the new fad.

It was the new fad two years ago. I feel like some of our fans could probably even make this. Oh, they did. They made a last podcast one. They got a last podcast coloring book. Oh, so that's what this is based off of. I feel like you're being lazy. This is a last podcast coloring book? I'm being lazy? Yeah, it's pretty great. That sounds amazing. Are they for sale?

Yeah, they're absolutely for sale. How much? I think like five bucks. I'll buy one right now. Can I use that as my segment answer? No. No? Think to yourself. I want to buy that one. You almost tricked me. You almost tricked me.

So I'm going to go with Trudeau, the coloring book. You color his ass. You color his eyes. You color his ass. You color his ass. There's going to be many, many pages Of just his big ass That comes with 3D glasses So you have to color it in red and blue

In order for the glasses to work And then you put on the 3D colors And the ass pops Pops out at you It is a good segment I had little time You had a week. You had one week.

Like every other week. You had one week. Oh, I'm not getting phone calls. I'm not getting emails. Trudeau's ass. The coloring book. And there's a surprise on the final page. And that surprises his eyes.

This is the worst idea you've ever had. For a segment? You're just repeating the things that me and Jackie said about someone who you didn't even care about earlier. You color his ass. You color his eyes. It's just a coloring book where you color an ass. Yeah?

What about it? I have an actual real answer. Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa have an actual real answer. Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's not a joke answer. It's not a joke answer because as someone

that has received many an adult I have one more idea. Okay. You can't double idea. This is the brotherly book. Nope.

This is the I'll allow it. One sentence. Wag, wag, wag, wag, wag, wag. I know I don't work. Wag, wag, wag, wag, wag, wag. I don't want to wag, wag, wag, wag, wag. You did that. You spawned it upon the people. I take responsibility.

I receive a lot of adult coloring books for some reason. I think a lot of people think that I need to, like, chill out, that it's a reason, it's a way for me to not have stress in my life. I cannot believe they would think you would be on edge. I throw them away. I throw hands, make jizzies. I throw them all away and I drink instead. But what's something that I would hold on to if I was given is a Muppets coloring book.

That is something that would be totally. That's not for adults. It's for children. No, no, no. We can get you a Muppet. Could it be a horny muppet or something no horny

adult coloring books weed smoking weed smoking muppets adult coloring books are not for it's not like kid coloring books it's there

to reduce stress so all of the ones that I've been getting are all like tiny little things you have to color in it pisses me off because they're too tiny

you just want a kids coloring book I just want a coloring book if you're gonna give me a coloring book give me a kid's coloring book. I just want a coloring book. If you're going to give me a coloring book, give me a coloring book. I would like a Muppets coloring book that comes with a bunch of, like, a CD of Muppets songs that I can listen to while I color it. Yeah. I just feel like this. Put some stickers on it.

See, I feel like the stickers and the CD should immediately disqualify Jackie, and therefore my idea is still the only idea that exists. It's an adult coloring package. Okay, no, she's got it. How? How? How? It's a package. You get me into the environment of one color. Objection. Am I in the fucking OJ Simpson trial right now? I gotta say I agree with Holden. You said something

that already exists. Am I fucking Marsha Clark? Objection. I'm saying this is the one that I want. Shut up, Marsha. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. Your haircut looks bad and you are not. You're barely a woman right. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. Your haircut looks bad. And you are not. You're barely a woman right now. Yeah, I mean, I looked up. I found a Muppets adult coloring

book instantly. I changed my hair for this episode. I changed what I did. I don't want to make a new one. I'm saying what I want. If the gloves don't fit, I got a shit. I mean, whoops.

And that is the change in history. He didn't take his arthritis medication. He wore gloves underneath his gloves. Did not take the arthritis medication. His hands were swollen, and he was wearing rubber gloves. He was wearing gloves underneath his gloves. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable.

And what's his name? Make him put them on. Darden. Darden. After all the hours we've watched, you don't remember his name? The Darden rhymes with something that I'm not allowed to say anymore. Madison Square Garden. Yes.

It doesn't really rhyme with it, but it's the thing. Okay, yeah, yeah, now I got it, yeah. Pardon? Beg your pardon? What do you it, but it's the thing. Okay, yeah, yeah, now I got it, yeah. Pardon? Beg your pardon? What do you got to ask? My name's Donovan. Horror movie bad guy is hanging out doing casual shit. Can it be called that? Horror movie bad guy hanging out doing casual shit.

The coloring book. Yeah, it's an adult coloring book, so you can curse in the title. Give a fuck. But it's also part of the title. Edgelord. adult coloring books you can curse in the title give a fuck but it's also part of the title Edge Lord yeah but then it's like you know it's like Michael Myers and Jason playing Connect Four

or something like that you gotta color it you know you wanna color that yeah it's like Freddy of course I wanna color that it's like Freddy like doing a keg stand

with the phantasm guy and Chucky you know and stuff like that that's pretty fun that is fun now you win I gave a bad answer well she did she got disqualified so guy and Chucky, you know, and stuff like that. That's pretty fun. That is fun. No, you win.

I gave a bad answer. Well, she got disqualified, so... I feel like we could make some money on my idea. I think we could make a lot of money. I created an environment with my answer, but... It was just a bad segment. Can we just agree that it was a bad segment? We can also agree that it was a bad segment. I mean, I think it was a mad segment. You got to add a hook to it.

It's like an adult coloring book that's good for when you're on acid. It literally has a hook in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a book that you can go fishing with. You can go fishing with the book. Captain Hook in sexual situation. It's made out of worms. You can do a bad job on stage and get taken off fast with it.

Yes, easily. So there you go. There's your hook. Well, you do a bad job on stage and get taken off fast with it. Yes, easily. So there you go. There's your hook. Well, you did a poor job. What I love to hear. It could be the fourth best Blues Traveler song. When I work so hard for the segment. Money get me around, around.

We have a true fire where the green things up. No, no, there's nothing wrong with me now. I ate my harmonica. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh. Okay, I got to get out of here. That's been the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. No host. No host. Jackie and Ed. Host list. You're being a host right now. We're taking a moment. We're the host list with the fucking cupcakes.

Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye. Catch me on Spotify. My name is Loke. Loke? Yep. Loke. Loke.

Mm-hmm. Woke Loke on Spotify. Just stop talking. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.