The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 32: Cracker Day

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Boners and breasts! Butts and bullying! We’ve got it all on this episode of The Round Table. Tune this week as Jackie further cements her reputation as the show’s resident psychotic, Ben tells us of his many, many in school suspensions, Holden gives us a boner story, Ed tells you how to score Xanax in Mexico, and Kevin explains why Cracker Day scared him even though he’s black. You don’t know what Cracker Day is either? Listen up to find out!

All right. Let's go. Oh, what's that? Who's on prior to that? Ben. Oh, is that? Okay. What's that?

Dear Lord Soder. Dear Lord Dan Soder's mother. Dear Lord. Good one. Good Lord. You leave Trisha out of this. Dear Trisha, I have been waiting to talk to you for a long time, but I never knew your name until now. Tricia, you're a fantastic

woman with a vagina made of Dan Soder's head at one point, and I think it's just so pretty and wonderful the way your big gaper was able to shit out a schnoz that could... Charlie Sheen on a bad night. Thank you, Tricia.

Thank you, Lord, for making Trisha's beautiful anus and making her mind so unbelievable. I second that. Yes. Sleazy and deezy.

Bucking a felon in a truck stop nine months later, a terrible comedian was born. Amen. Thank you so much. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen.

Well, this is going to be a fantastic podcast here. A little bit drunk. I saw Vanishing on 7th Street today. Oh, was that good? It was terrible. I told you it wasn't going to be good. You know what happened? Nothing.

They vanished! You said Vanishing. I thought you actually had seen a fucking kidnap in it. It was cool. I don't report it because I'm not a snitch. See, now, Marcus and I were commenting about this earlier. Like, how wasted could you really get in the middle of the afternoon in a movie theater? I mean, what are we talking about here?

Look at him. He's a fucking monster. I can answer that question. I'll show you the way. Before you answer the question, let's answer the question, who is on this podcast? Who are you people? Jack Zbrrowski. What's up?

Ed Larson. Don't bring it back. Older me, Billy. Kevin Barnett. The way you did that was real smooth, man. Like it. I'm Ben Kissel. In the chuckle hut, I would say we've got to double it up if we're going into an elevator.

Two needed. We've got the very, very fantastic Henry Zabrowski. He doesn't make sense. No, he doesn't make sense. Henry Zabrowski. It doesn't make sense. No, it doesn't make sense. It didn't make sense. I was saying it was a weight thing. Yeah. Double elevators needed.

You're just talking about me, right? I'm the one who would have to take the other elevator for facts. That's just, right. It's run by a surly man in there who sits in a box all day. Oh, you're wrong. It's not run by anybody except for the person who gets in. You've got to do the own rope yourself. It's very, very sad.

Al Jackson is here. Thank you, Al, for being here. Thank you for having me. I'm just going to yell in the various mics. Hell, yeah. Scream around. Divide and conquer. The very, very voluptuous Annie Letterman.

Thank you for being here, Annie. Oh, voluptuous. Meow. The little body cats in the house. What did Daniel say? Titties, that's what they always say. Oh, man. They never call you big titties.

No one's ever called me that. I'm hurt, so there you go. Oh, well, Annie's got the breasts of a chihuahua. Absolutely. That have not ever been suckled by puppies. That haven't formed yet. She would lactate just enough to make for a good coffee.

That's good. You don't need a lot of milk. Just enough to just get the color a little bit more toky. Creamsworth. Small creamsworth. And of course, Trisha's vagina zone, Daniel Soder.

Yeah! Still covered in embryo. He is wet to the touch. That was the only scientific term we knew was embryo. It was the wrong one. I was going to say after birth, but I didn't know. It made sense. That would have been far too much.

Is there such thing as before birth? Is there another liquid? It's birth? Is there like another liquid? It's water Wouldn't it be semen? I always thought it was vodka Alright then, with us as always Marcus Parks, the newsman Marcus, what do you got for us, buddy?

Local news A Manhattan fourth grader was suspended from school for two days for sticking a post-it note reading, kick me please to a classmate's back. Oh, that's classic. Two days? That's fucked up, man. I hate that shit. I think he got it from being hack.

Even fourth grade is like, come on, what do you got? That's a classic joke. I love that. I love the old classics, man. You can't get rid of kick me. He said please. He's so polite. I feel like I would be proud. I'd be like, hell yeah. Get suspended. I can't believe what they're suspending kids over

these days. You know, we used to do terrible things to each other back in the day. Now a Kick Me sign, which is actually the nicest form of abuse because he's not the one who did it. If Sarah Palin didn't get arrested when that Gifford bitch got shot in the face after putting a target over her face, I don't think this kid should get in trouble

if somebody kicked this kid who put the kick me sign on him. Yeah, that sign doesn't make people kick that person. That's right. It just, um... Yeah, it makes people kick him. I mean, I'd kick him. It encourages them to. There's a sign on your back,

I'm supposed to kick you, so please. Those kids are also going to take up smoking and drinking at a young age because they're very influenced. Have you ever been suspended from school? I was a lot of suspensions. A lot of in-school suspensions, which were the best because you just got to hang out with the secretaries in the office who were people that failed at life, so they kind of related to you.

The only people in the entire school, and they loved me. Occasionally, I got to do the morning PA announcements. Because you were suspended, you got suspended. Yeah, that was a nice thing. Well, he's not in school, and he's got that beautiful voice. The whole suspension thing is such a bizarre

punishment, because it's like, oh, you take this retarded child out of school for two days to only make him dumber. They should have to stay in school for an extra two days. Yeah, make him go through more school. What about Saturday school, though? See, I'm thinking that there are two different kinds of kids. I feel like I was a kind of kid. There's boy kids and girl kids.

Only the boy kid loves the girl kid. I feel like I was one of those kids. I just sat there. I feel like some kids cut school and go do shit. Can we curse on the podcast? Oh, yeah. Fucking curse! Whores!

Fuckers! I feel like the kids that fucking just sat there and thought about random shit. Like, I feel like they're underrepresented. I just went to school and just sat there and thought about crazy shit all day. Like, crazy. Like, what if I was the quarterback of the Browns right now? The whole class. I would just think about crazy shit.

I didn't need to cut because I was already gone. That's not crazy. That's hopes and dreams. Yeah, that's actually crazy. That's right. I was just trying to figure out where I could come. Where can I come? I'm so hard. Always hard. Always with the hardest. Drove me insane. Drove me insane.

Drove me nuts. What I don't understand is the punishments that I would have to go through is that they would put me through peer mediation because I would beat up other kids

or just like you know make fun of them because they deserved it. Yeah because they thought you were a psychopath. They thought you were a fucking criminal.

Well of course but in the same vein if they thought I was a criminal why did they lock me in a room with the kid I was making fun of? Who did you choose to beat up, though? Like, what was the demo?

Pussies. Queers. Yeah. Really? Was he, like, weaker kids? Yeah, just weaker. I mean, I was always picked on, so, like, I couldn't pick on certain people, but instead I would just find the weakest of the weak

and make their lives even more miserable than they were in the beginning. Because they would throw things at me, like food at me from the bus, so I would just take them and I would just hit their head against the locker. Yeah, that's what you do. But I would think that that behavior would stop them from messing with you,

but it didn't. No, no, no. And then we would still go into peer mediation, they would still throw food at me, and I would still beat them up afterwards. See, I would always use the Wow. Tampa's a weird place. Yeah. I would always use the international language of comedy and make people laugh. That's the thing.

That's why you're my successful older brother. Jackie, you're why Jason Voorhees exists, you know? You just keep on going back. It's like, taunt me all you want, I'm going to keep on killing you. Yeah, man, I'm going to keep getting uglier, but I'm going to keep on stabbing you. Absolutely. Yeah, like, man, I didn't do any of that shit. I was like what you were talking about. Just quiet and not do anything.

I do remember this, though, like in middle school. They had a day. And Dan Enfield has a joke about it. People probably think it's fake, but it's a real thing. They had a day called Cracker Day where they would just. I've heard of that. Yeah, all the black people would just beat up all the white people that were in the school.

It's a very well thought out day. Hey, slow down, Kevin, so they can grasp the content. Yeah, just think about that for a second. How did Word get around? Is Cracker Day still around? I'm sure it's still around, man. It's thriving. Oh, no. How did Word get out? Did you all have fax machines? It's like saying you skipped it. When I was in elementary school, I was in Miami Lakes, so I was in pretty much all white

and Cuban school. I remember when I heard about this cracker day like I was scared and it took me a while to realize that I was safe you're just like I can't beat up 180 white kids alone I get the day wrong and just attack three random kids like what the fuck are you doing yeah it's just like when I was afraid when it was pajama day and I show up in pajamas I'm like no maybe it's not pajama day

you know don't be, maybe it's not pajama day. You know, I don't want to be the idiot. It's like that. And I would assume on cracker day, all the teachers were just like, oh, yes, this is when the black kids beat up the white kids. No one gets suspended. Nowadays, you put a kick me sign on a fucking poor fat bastard two days. It's not making any sense.

Yeah, was he fat and dumb and big glasses? I mean, it's surprising because it's the New York Post, because you'd think that they'd really explore that. You'd think they'd really explore that. Chubby youngster. Chubby youngster sounds like a soul singer. Well, where this came from is that Manhattan in 2008 implemented a zero-tolerance anti-bullying policy.

So any kind of... Oh, come on. Anything. Anything. This is fucking New York, man. Yeah. That's the thing. It's like,

maybe the kid put the kick-me sign on because it's the very passive-aggressive way of getting revenge on somebody you could never beat up. So it's like, maybe this dude who got the kick-me sign put on him was a total asshole, constantly, you know,

punching the dude in the face, taking him in his chocolate milk. Take the risk of fucking putting on... Somebody that could potentially kick your ass you're not gonna fucking but i will say all behind the back though i mean it's a very it's a very subversive way to go about it maybe the kid didn't know that's the same strategy they use with the dumb and dumber with sea bass think about how that turned out that was good it's not gonna work how did they next thing you know you're making majestic, and everything turns to hell. How did they find out which kid it was?

Did they fingerprint? Did they do, like, a writing? Did the fucking thing even get to stay on the kid's back long enough for it to be cool at all? They signed it. They see him put it on. Well, really, the kid who was suspended sounds like a very low-level bully. The students were not, they said they were not scared of him. He, quote, either teases you

or he tells you he's going to start hitting you, but never does. Oh, okay. That's a problem. Sounds like my dad. I'm going to come get you this weekend. Let's not go crazy. I don't know if this guy made $24,000 a year.

To be fair, it was $30,000. Okay. He worked the night shifts at the bowling alley. It was good. That's the best shift at the bowling alley. Oh, yeah. Nothing worse than the 8 a.m. to fucking noon bowling alley shift. Lunch closers?

No, I'm making nothing. Nothing. No, but absolutely. So this kid was a low-level bully. He didn't really do anything wrong to anyone. Not really. I mean, he threatened, but, you know, he's more like just having fun. He was just a kid looking for attention.

I just feel like this two-day suspension is only going to make him more angry and go further in his bullying career. I mean, all of it. He's going to, like, pump an iron. He's getting all buff at his house, coming back. He's eight. Two whole days. I like how you're fantasizing about this.

Annie's turning it into a sexual fantasy. Right now he's probably doing dips like Leo in The Departed. Just thinking of fucking De Niro from Cape Fear doing fucking pull-ups. That is a nice back. He's developed a nice back over the past two days. Annie, you totally would be Juliette Lewis. In Cape Fear. You'd be like the girl like,

Don't, oh you're a criminal. She's gazing so deep into my eyes. Actually, Annie's more like the single lady who's cheating with Dick Nolte and she gets beat and raped. It doesn't say anything. I hope that doesn't happen to you. I've been to it in my life. I don't say anything. I hope that doesn't happen to you. I'm a big-titted and tight-lipped.

You know what I mean? I don't say nothing. I'm just glad you're behind me and have to keep coming to the mic here because every once in a while I get a titty on my elbow or shoulder. That's right, you are a sad, sad man. I live a different life than most.

Seems like there's a lot of flies around. Good job. You have fantastic bosoms. I love everything the way you look. Chest-wise, Annie. Well, we're talking. Wow. I would say shutter empty.

Thank you for inviting me. He says the same thing to me, Annie. Yeah. No, of course. The exact opposite of Annie. We're talking about boobs. Mm-hmm. The woman with the biggest breasts in the world,

double M's, attempted suicide after she was forced to bring them down to double K's. Forrester. Who Forrester? Science. Biology.

Everything that's good and right in the world. An intense infection forced her to bring the mouth down again yeah yeah just give me the tit meat there's some extra tit meat floating around that needs to be brought back into society like a boob recycling project

the concept of how like energy can never be destroyed it just goes into different forms and tit meat just like showed up on my ass but that tit meat's contaminated. That's disgusting. Infection? Tit meat's my prison name. I think Bloomberg's using it

in the new anti-soda campaign. Have you seen that, where they just dump lard into the person's mouth? I imagine that's all future boob, or post-boob. Just look at those pictures and imagine the fat as a jumbo shrimp into cocktail sauce. Then it's delicious. Absolutely.

Yeah, Jackie did turn that around for me when she told me that on the train the other day. And I was like, oh, well, this is fine then. That sounds great. There was a gal, Michelle Claysmith, when I was growing up. She had huge bosoms. And holy Christ, I've never seen breasts I wasn't sexually attracted to before except for hers. Very, very bizarre. Really? Too big. Too much?

I cannot believe I'm hearing this come out of your mouth. I know. I might explain. It's like when a football player has a big head, you're like, oh, that probably is a beautiful offensive lineman. But it's like Sheriff's Son in the movie The Mask. It's like, that's a big head and you're like, that's that probably is like a beautiful offensive lineman, but it's like Sheriff's Son in the movie The Mask.

It's like, that's a big head, and you're like, that's just a deformed piece of flesh that should be chopped off immediately because it looks like a tumor. Rocky Dennis, man. Exactly. He needed to be stopped, and he did. He needed it. Yeah, and he was stopped. His big head stopped itself.

Exactly. Also, looking at the picture of this woman, I mean, double M's, right? That's what it is? Triple M's. Triple M's. I didn't even know double M's, right? That's what it is? Triple M's. I didn't even know exactly, right? It really looks like, I mean, talk about those fat

campaigns. It looks like she just took Play-Doh and molded it into lumpy shit that's just protruding out of her chest. She looks like she's about to fall over. Do you think they on purpose didn't take the damage triple K's? Here's what it is. Double K in the U.S., that is legally the largest you can do.

Hold on, legally? Legally. So what are they going to do, shoot her in the face? What do you mean legally? Your tits are too big. You're going to jail? Well, a doctor is not allowed to legally do the operation. Well, a doctor is not allowed to legally do the operation.

So she traveled down to Brazil, where they will do anything to get the double Ks increased to a triple M. I thought that was a shot against Brazil. I'm a fucking Brazil dude. I'm pro-Brazil here. It's a shot against the Brazilian plastic surgery industry, definitely. Marcus has got a deep beef with them. They just love all those huge breasts. She loved her triple M so much that she tried to kill herself. definitely Marcus has got a deep beef with them this woman loved her triple M so much

as she tried to kill herself she loved them let her have them she loved they were infected she loved her infected victim

exactly man she's a champion really don't get surgery in Brazil you know of course she got an infection

yeah cause they're doing it with like broken plates and shit there's so much bacteria down there. I absolutely... They're doing it in the middle of a carnival. You know?

It's the man with the big bird hat on doing it with his fucking... The nurse doesn't have pants. She's just shaking her ass. I want to work in that hospital. I absolutely love this quote. This was before she attempted suicide, but after she had to get the triple M's down to the double K's,

she said, quote, once I reclaim my identity as the world's biggest boobs, I can be a better role model for my daughter. Oh, man. You know she's going to end up murdering the woman with bigger tits than her. I can be a better role model for my daughter. Oh, man! You know she's going to end up murdering the woman with bigger tits than her. If your mother has the world's biggest tits, then you know that you could be the world's biggest doctor. That's true.

Annie, if you had to have breast implants, how big would you go? I would just never, ever get them. All right, all right. So you get, like, negatives. I would get, like, I'd be like, I'll do it myself. I'll just get a small scalpel and I'll just scrape out my chest.

I'll get small ones. I don't want big boobs. Well, I hope not. How big were her breasts before? Did she go through, like through some huge fucking skin stretching surgery or were they full of lard previously? You know, it doesn't say exactly how big they were to begin with,

but I think if I remember correctly, I think they were okay because you can't start with, like, you know, Bs and move up to double Ks. These weren't natural. Excuse me, Soder just went up. Oh, no, didn't give her no crazy crazy booze on the road like just like gigantic just like fucking cornbread women like at the grocery store. Like, gigantic. Just big Tupperware titties. Yeah, it's like fucking National Geographic, but like with fucking cornbread. Tupperware titties? Yeah, you know, Tupperware titties.

Yeah, what do Tupperware titties mean? Just think of Tupperware, think of some titties that you wouldn't want to look at, and that's Tupperware titties. Oh, like swear? Make fart noises when you play with them? Or they make crying sounds, yeah. Well, that's above the boobs. That's in the face.

A nice pair of bosoms that can hold a big can of baked beans between them. That's a nice pair of cans. What do you think is your favorite soda? Have you ever titty-fucked a gal with the really big nocks? Have you ever done that? Oh, yeah.

Because that's amazing, right? I came in literally 45 seconds when this chick just, I felt like my penis was a small, you know, Mercedes going through a car wash. It was really fantastic. And I've never once come on the bottom of a woman's chin until that moment. The best is when they release said huge bosoms, and then it's like an oyster opening up and you see your pearl of a penis

locked in between them. My cock was like the arm of that dude in 127 hours. I was like, am I going to have to saw this thing off? It is so in between these two massive boulders. I hope I can keep my dick by the time this is all over with. Oh, God.

But if I don't, you know. But I live the life. On the other side of that, the sadness of watching a girl with two smalls trying to titty fuck. Oh, my God. And just watch she gives up

and starts blowing. Oh, my God. It's so sad. Have you ever... And you still let her blow you, but... Don't chest bump my crotch. I know.

It's like, oh. Yeah, my dick did not just score a touchdown. We're not chest bumping right now. Please. That is the funniest thing you've ever said, Holden. I'm funny. The chick with the smallest titties.

You know the small titties. It doesn't matter. It just reminds me of so many situations. Is this good? Is this what you meant when you told me? This is perfect. Let's just end it. Let's finish.

And then she says, oh, just sit on top of me. So now my asshole is by your navel and I'm titty fucking you. And it's just like, this is disgusting. So fucked up. Yeah, I'm disturbed by this. I don't like this. It's like, now your chest looks like my underwear, just full of fucking marks. Oh, God.

Anyway, so you were going to say that. Wipe your ass before you fuck, babe. I tried to. You two have paid. Do you want a favor? No. Please. you were going to say... Wipe your ass before you fuck, babe. I tried to. Hey! Do you have a favor? Well, I'm going to switch religions. Muslims, they wipe their ass every time they shit. Everyone wipes their ass!

They shower! I'm saying they one-up the wipe. They do better than the wipe. A shower? Yeah, this is... That's why they don't have any water over there. Well, it's all going into their asshole. Fantastic colonics.

You gotta tell diplomats that before they go. Listen, there's no water. They're wiping their ass constantly. Are you ready for a meeting? Yeah, Hillary Clinton's just douching 18 hours a day. Remember in college when you were real broke and you couldn't afford toilet papers? You just take a shit and stick your ass in the shower?

I just do that every once in a while when I just don't feel like doing the strain of wiping myself. Sometimes I just go in there,

take a shit, wipe it on the old butthole, splash the water up, wash out your shirt, splash your face with it.

It's nice. It really does. Get a bidet, guys. Get a bidet. It does it for you. Bidets are dumb, though. I've never done it. I've never doneet. It does it for you. I don't know. I've done that in my home. Bidets are dumb, though.

I've never done it. I've never done it either. Put it in your asshole in her faucet. It's a shower. It's not lazy to use your fucking hand. But does it not shoot up

in your ass? Yeah. That's the scariest thing. It's right in that hole. It's man's fear of straight male's fear of anything entering the asshole.

It's like getting raped by the abyss. That's a legitimate fear. It's like that pussy anything the abyss. That's a legitimate fear. A man who's big enough to forcibly have sex with me is terrifying. A man who can wrestle me down to the ground and continue

to have a hard-on. One time I put a condom on my cock and stuff no I know I was a finger I put a condom on my finger and then I put it in my butthole that happens I mean I don't think that the anal it's's a thing. I don't understand it. You know, because I had the group so religious, and they were always so butt-phobic. Yeah. Butt-phobic?

They think the anus is, like, full of disease and... I mean, it's full of poop. I don't understand. Theoretically. It's the dirtiest part of my body. Well, I would hope so. Just yours. Annie's mind might be slightly grosser than Eddie's anus.

I have no idea. But it makes you cum. That's why when you have to shit really bad as a guy, you know this, you kind of get aroused a little bit if you keep it in long enough. If my eyes just roll back in my head a little bit, that's all. Does anyone else sometimes cry a single tear when they shit?

If it's bad. If it's cold enough. It depends. Soder, have you ever done anything to your butthole or any sort of butt play at all? I have what the medical profession would call hemorrhoids. Oh, man, I got that.

Whenever my diet's off, I have to do a little pushing of the ass grape back into my butthole. Yeah, man. I got that too, man. It's a nightmare. I was curious about this the other day. I mean, how does a gay bottom deal with that I don't know

don't they all have hemorrhoids though I imagine I guess they top up I just think that's so sad their pussy cannot get fucked they can't all be tops damn what you gotta top up everyone until I get a rotate

so your buttholes don't fall out of themselves. Oh, man. Is Annie Letterman bringing up bottoming out? I think it just becomes tough and stronger. I feel like your butthole

just becomes like a little ring of steel. You're talking about like you're a military dad. You're talking about like you're a military dad and you're like, get fucked again.

I'm gonna make you tough. That asshole's gonna be as coarse as leather. I'm going to be good. Don't you worry about it. I got some fucking leather. It's like when they catch you smoking cigarettes, like smoke the whole pack. Like, fuck the whole football team.

You want to be a slut? Be a real slut. Talking about... Here's my daughter. I'm better. I'm better! I'm better! Al, so for you, your anus is officially off limits. If you're with a gal,

she slips a little pinky in there while she's stroking you, anything like that. Or maybe trying to do one of those rusty trombones. I had a gal do that to me once. I feel like they're dudes like me. I'm just like, I'm no access with the asshole. I don't want your asshole, my asshole. I've never had anal sex with a chick, like ever. Like everybody, there's never, because if there's any shit or any smell, I'm done.

I'm done in a way that I can't. I've never had anal on purpose. I feel like my asshole is the worst business ever. Like a business that's just, because I'm like, please go in. I have a whole great thing, a series of fantastic coffees and licorice and things. Go into my butthole.

And then as soon as they do, they're like, I'm never coming back here. So I can't get a woman to pleasure the old aunt. You're saying you want to. I love it. You'd be cool

with a finger up there? I need it. Wow. It's called getting milked. Yeah, exactly. I want to feel like a small piece of cattle. Right before I go to become a fantastic steak, I just like to be squeezed a little bit.

I love the look on Jackie's face. I love it when Jackie gets uncomfortable. It makes me feel so good. It's difficult to do. He's a good big brother. Whenever we're talking about fingering boys' buttholes, he just looks at his sister's reaction. He doesn't

even give a shit what else is happening. But men do that to you, right, Annie? When you're trying to have sex. They try to slip a fucking finger in my butthole constantly. That happens, right? It's ridiculous. I broke up with a guy over it once. I broke up with me over it. Let me ask you this,

Annie. Do they at least lube it up first, or do they just try to just jam it up there? No, there's no conversation. Because the thing is, I feel like with butt stuff, you have to have a conversation about it. But then the conversation, you're so at, like, they're like, do you mind if I slip my finger in your ass? It's like, wait, let me think about it. It doesn't sound sexy. What does it say about me? Like, what if I say it?

And then it's like, okay, now I really am less horny than I was. Yeah, like, it's not that much anyway. I was am less horny than I was. It was not that much anyway. I was just being nice. So, leave. But yeah, that's the most controversial subject, I feel like, between the sexes. Some people are pro-butt and some people are anti-butt. I don't get it, man. I think some people can't function without some butt play.

Some people cannot get aroused. Kevin, it truly disgusts you. Kevin, it truly disgusts you. Yeah, it fucking disgusts me. Shit comes out of asshole. The shit comes out of the pussy. No, it doesn't. It's the same thing.

Only fucks women who have just given birth. The only fucks women who have just given birth. And sometimes Mara says, you know, I can only have sex once a week. Only on the period. That's the only time I ever given birth. I only fuck women who have just given birth and sometimes Mara says, she's, oh, you know, I can only have sex once a week,

only on the period. That's the only time I ever have sex. I need things floating out of her stomach. She has a period once a week? Was that a joke

or a real thing? No, that's not a real thing. I never get to touch her. I mean, I've had periods once a week. But I'm just saying, you know, a woman's vagina

is full of more disgusting goods on any given day than any other. You haven't seen my penis. Like, there's so many people who are like, eat ass. You eat ass, right? You eat fucking... I mean, I feel like I'm at the OCB every time I'm there. You poop your mouth and I'm poop.

I don't get it. That's what I don't understand, man. It's like... You are... We're all poop. All right, think about this. Oh, we're not? We're not?

No, I put these in poop, by the way. It's like you are we're all poop. I think about this Every day for 24 years I took a shit on the plate every single day I sat on the same plate twice a day every day and then one day I just wiped the plate off and I was like, hey man, you want to eat this? Absolutely I want to eat this fucking pasta. That is some good ass pasta right there. It's hard as fuck. I want to cum on that pasta. Do some kind of Norway sauce. This is lovely. That is the greatest analogy I've ever heard in my entire life. It was wild.

Oh, it's crazy. What the fuck? I don't get it. Well, get a little sauce on it. I think it sounds fantastic. What else to talk about? Yeah. I got a story for Ben here. Coming back to his past.

The Iowa State Wrestling Meet, which Ben is a former wrestler, has its first female victor. The reason why she was the victor was because the guy that she was going up against refused to wrestle her. In the finals, he refused to wrestle her. What, you think he was scared to lose?

I think he was afraid of losing to a girl. Personally, I think he was terrified of losing to a girl. He's citing religion. Yeah, he's citing religion. You should look at this as the one time he's able to beat a woman in public. Yeah. People be cheering his name. Not only beat a woman in public, get's citing religion. You should look at this as the one time he's able to beat a woman in public. Yeah. People be cheering for him. Not only beat a woman in public, get cheered for.

How is he citing religion? I don't understand. Because in his faith, they say don't beat women. And he's like, I can't either. Yeah, but you're not like... What faith is that, by the way? Is it a Christian one? No.

I don't know. It's definitely not a commandment. No, it's not. Yeah, I can't think of one. Pretty sure there's a touching a woman thing. It could literally just be that. Oh, you think he's a Hasid? Maybe.

The first Hasid fucking Greco-Roman wrestling. In Iowa. The Iron Latke. The kid is 16 years old If he wins He'd beat a girl And if he loses He's in a no win situation

If he loses he's fucking lost to a girl And then odds are he's probably going to get a boner Yeah he might have also been afraid of getting a boner And if he gets a boner No chick is going to talk to him for the rest of high school What does this girl look like though? That's the thing She looks fairly normal Yeah she doesn't and no chick is going to talk to him for the rest of high school. What does this girl look like, though? That's the thing. She just looks like Edwin.

I saw a picture. I mean, she looks fairly normal. Yeah, she's not like... She's a 103-pounder. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing about... In my high school, we had a 103-pounder dude who fell in love with a 103-pounder girl. It was a really romantic situation.

They actually wrestled, and then they hung out for the rest of the tournament. It was fucking very, very bizarre. So, Ben, you're back in high school. You're up for this match. You're up for champion against this female.

There was a heavyweight woman one time. Oh, really? I didn't wrestle her. What do you do? What would your approach be with this particular woman? A heavyweight woman?

Yeah. I would beat the fuck up. Yeah. I mean, drink, and then I'd be like, hey, so what are you doing later? You know, like, can we maybe hang out?

Would he have already given the morning announcements? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it depends. I would love to have wrestled a nice big bovine of a gal. You beat her on the mat, and then you help her up at the end,

and you say, hey, you know, maybe next time you can pin me. And then something like that. And then you go out, you have a few Coors Lights, next thing you know she looks like a small child and you're like, I'm going to fuck this bitch. It's okay, baby. How about you and me go get a sandwich, huh? That's right.

We're going to six-footer. You and me. Italian club! This is how I would talk to this guy. No, but I think, I feel bad for the poor kid. Everyone's like making him feel like an asshole. He's fucking 16 years old. He's a boy from a very sheltered family.

He doesn't want to be wrestling a girl. And the day after, she was in a tournament. She went 0 for 2 and was out in the first round. So it's like the chick sucks at wrestling. It's like, fuck this bitch. She's not the state champion. She shouldn't have been there. And this poor bastard's being run through the mud.

Jackie, she was a terrible person. I just bet she was probably on her period and they all knew it. They didn't want to get anywhere close to it. Sharks were like swarming around. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I can understand the boner situation. I was in an acting class one time and I had just like, fuck this girl. And then we were

put into a scene together. Big fat boner in the middle of the scene. In the middle of an acting class? It was like a college show. We fucked and then the next... Because you didn't fuck in high school. So you don't imagine being this poor 16 year old boy. I was like, hold it. Of course you did.

I was squinting. I was like, how is that? I didn't even kiss a girl until I was 19, sophomore. I was like, how is that? I scratched my chin real hard. No, I didn't even kiss a girl until I was 19, sophomore in college. No shit. Oh, yeah. Lord, yes. But my God.

What were you doing? What was... Oh, going, hey, do you want to go to the homecoming? And they'd feel bad, and they'd go with me. My first freshman year homecoming, she said no, and then later in the day said yes because she felt bad. That's hilarious. Wouldn't you have liked to wrestle her, though?

I would have loved to wrestle her. I would have gotten such a huge rage and hard zoes. I didn't ask the girl, and she didn't ask me. Literally, just like everybody else was going with each other. They were like, oh, who doesn't have dates? It was me and this very obese gal named Amy. And that's who I went with. So that's how Hey! Becoming works.

My hope was for juvenile delinquents. We didn't get dances. We didn't deserve them. Oh. Yeah, good. That's a better way to get your aggression out is by dancing. You know what, though? They did take us to Cancun during Cinco de Mayo for a spring trip, which was crazy.

We had drinking bans. We got wasted. It was crazy. I slapped a bitch. I fucked my boyfriend on the balcony. It was crazy. That's crazy.

And then she wanted to stay champion in the wrestling. I was crying. I emerged from the plane crying. The teachers were like, what happened? We were never allowed

to leave the country again. Wait, why were you in a, you were in a delinquent school? Yeah, it was an alternative school. You went to an alt school? Yeah, baby. And they let you go to Cancun? Yeah, they encouraged it. That's gas on the fire. They encouraged it. We had bands that we could drink. We got free drinks.

That's insane. They just told the one bartender, like, look, we know you don't speak English, but if you did, you would understand that we said don't serve these kids, and they just served us. Cancun! Everyone's firing guns up. One of the teachers we saw walk into a wall and he said that he had

a bad reaction to his malaria medicine. It was a bottle of whiskey. That was the bad reaction. I did senior trip in Cancun. I went to a pharmacy. You were a freshman in high school? I was 14 years old. 14 years old? You were banging on a balcony? Hell yeah. Jesus Christ.

I didn't go from there. I feel like you would come dried up and you let her be. Touch me, I'll cry. I'm not in the motions until you touch me. Oh, man. So, Eddie, you were over in Cancun. You went on your senior trip. What happened? Oh, yeah. So, I go into this pharmacy and I was like, hey, man, let me get some Xanax. He's So, Eddie, you're over in Cancun. You went on your senior trip. What happened? Oh, yeah, so I go into this pharmacy,

and I was like, hey, man, let me get some Xanax. He's like, oh, no, no, no. I was like, man, give me some Xanax. He's like, no. I was like, man, give me some Xanax. He's like, all right. Okay. And that's the doctor's prescription.

You got me there. The doctor says you asked him three times, and that means it came from a whore head. Okay, all right. Oh, okay. Al, how about your high school experience? How was your homecoming? Did you ever get nominated for anything? Was anything fantastic or was it all just miserable

like everybody else is here? My high school was just nondescript, dude. I had a license so people would roll with me. They got me a chick because I had a fucking, I had a 96 Honda Accord. Nice.

Driver's door didn't open because I was a gangster. Took it to college and, like, when I would pull up, like, freshman year and, like, had to get out in front of, like, the student dorm, I would, like, pretend like I was getting trash out of the passenger seat and, like, get out and fucking close the door like, alright. No one knows my driver's door doesn't fucking open.

Constantly cleaning out this disgusting passenger seat. I just thought you were a badass drunk driver. Yeah dude I did. I went with a girl named Zanika and I ended up fingering her and her pussy smelled like she was smuggling a dead Haitian. That's the worst smell.

And my boy came That is the worst smell My boy came up And opened the limo door And like said Ugh And slammed the door And like killed the moon

Completely I haven't thought about that In ten years I forgot all about that I didn't even know She was alive Until just now Oh I love that

Were you terrified The most pussies Smelled like that Like back then I fucked a lot of, I don't know if it's, I don't know if it's black dudes,

but I think me and my friends ran into a lot of fucking foul-smelling pussies. Because girls don't, and when I was a middle school teacher, there was on two occasions. Oh, interesting.

Yeah. Are we bringing back pedophile porn right now? Live. I had to call this chick's mom because she was getting her period and she didn't know what the fuck to do. So she was in the Miami sun coming in with a fucking three-day-old

panty full of blood and piss and pride. To the point where the teachers had a meeting like, yo, we gotta call her mom because her vagina smells like a fucking dead platypus. Oh.

How did he show up? Vaginas over the course of some days, that box gets serious, cuz. Well, yeah. Wash it, man. I don't think she knew that she could go in and clean. I don't know if she was giving it a wipe down and like, I'm just gonna go to school.

But it's like first period. she was on fire, yo. Like to the point where other kids, and I was like, you gotta be that teacher like, look, I'm gonna wear her pussy stinks. We have to learn about Jupiter today. Let's pull together and fucking learn it's a gas giant, alright?

I worked with disabled teenagers. But that was like... Did they ever have very smelly... and it's a gas giant, all right? So shut up. I worked with disabled teenagers, so... Oh. But that was like... Did they ever have very smelly... Sleepy pussies?

Oh, yeah. We made... One time we had to change this one girl and she was like 16 and we made... We had to like make masks

and she was like not... Just to freak her the fuck out when you changed her? She wasn't mentally retarded at all. She just had severe

cerebral palsy so she couldn't move at all. And so she... Like, not severe cerebral palsy so she couldn't move at all and so she like not that much and so she knew what we were doing so we just made

smiley faces on and we were just like I'll tell you something there was a frown under that smiley face we were like what is going on we're getting paid

a dollar an hour you should have looked at it up and shown her the frown we are not enjoying this I once had to I volunteered The program we were in

In high school We were like In some gifted program So we had to do a Oh gifted Gifted yeah Did you say that Yeah gifted

It was a gifted program The international baccalaureate Oh you guys were IB nerds Yeah we were IB kids I used to sell you guys Weed in high school Yeah Yeah

Thank you They probably ripped them off and got money from him. Yeah, it's like, yeah. We make our own weed. I had to volunteer. We had to do, like, mandatory volunteering, and I had volunteered for this. My girlfriend at the time, we were doing this thing

for emotionally disturbed kids. I liked her. She was nice. She was. She was great, actually. She was nice. She was. She was great, actually. She was fine. But we had to deal with these kids. And I was put in with the higher-functioning older males. As they, like, you know, like they're a bunch of chimpanzees.

That's what they call them, the higher-functioning older males. And so it's like, I was with these guys and they were all like really into wrestling and so we would all... Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm talking about with the wheelchairs. We'd be like, wrestle time

and then we'd scoot on their wheelchairs. Absolutely. And we have mentally handy, all of our, a majority of our cousins are mentally handy guys. And so it's like,

we like deal with it all the time. Everyone likes wrestling. I love it. So we talk about it all the time. I love wrestling. But there's one kid, there's one kid

who was like really normal and we were like talking for a long time and I was like, man, I was like, so like, were you in regular high's one kid who was like really normal and we were like talking for a long time and I was like, man, I was like, so like, were you in regular

high school? And he was like, yeah, yeah, I was in there for a long time. Yeah, now I'm in here.

And I was like, well, what happened? He's like, uh, this guy's fight, like, you know,

broke this kid's arms. And I was like, arms? It was huge. It was huge. He looked like Wolfman Jack when he was like 15 years old. He was gigantic. He used to be a great football player.

That's the finisher from Jack's Immortal Kombat, right? Stripping both of them off. That's fantastic. His arms. Soder, what was your high school experience like? Was there a lot of bullies going around? Horrible. Horrible.

It was awful? Specifically, Benny Gordon. Who was this young fuck? He's a 6'7 black kid in 7th grade. Holy Lord. I feel like I'm on Trading Places. What I didn't know at the time was referred to as a feathered haircut. What does that mean?

I don't know. My hair was feathered. Oh, okay. It's like, what's the... They just call me Alien. Farrah Faw feathered. Oh, okay. But I... It's like... What's the... They just call me Alien Head. Yeah, Paraphon. They called you what?

Alien Head. Like Aaron. That's cool, though. It was. It's cool now. Not back then. So what was your reaction? Anger.

Anger. And just let it boil down in there. Yeah, so you just acted out as the math teacher? Yeah. That was it. That's it. You fought back. I just took it like a bitch. I just wore it boil down in there. Yeah, so you just acted out of the math teacher? Yeah, that was it. That's it. I just took it like a bitch. I just wore it right on my chin.

He was 6'7 in 7th grade. He's the freak. He's the one you throw apples at. He's like fucking Daryl Dawkins. He's like a goddamn man-child. All you had to do was tell him you're a huge person who doesn't fit into the world and no one will ever respect you as an individual.

And he'd be like I know, I know. He got locked up when we were 16. For what'd he do? I don't know, something stupid. Murder.

Being tall. Being super tall too young. I can relate to that. Yeah, that was wait, that was middle school. Oh, he was 6'7 in middle school? Yeah, he was crazy. Yeah, you got some

big kids in middle school, dog, yeah. Really? Big kids, stinky pussies, middle school? Yeah, he was crazy. Yeah, you got some big kids in middle school, dog. Yeah. Really? Yeah, he was so big. Big kids, stinky pussies. Middle school's crazy. Middle school's nuts. That is insane.

This is like Degrassi. Except their vaginas stink. I'll tell you, you should put a kick me sign on that kid. He would have really gotten the old pummeling. Couldn't have hit the shoulder blades. There's no way I could have got up that high. That's true. All right, so we got a segment from Holden McNeely here. Yeah, let's do this shit, right? Drinking contest! Ah, 2011! All right, it's first to drink three Tecates. It's Ben versus Jackie versus Ed. We got to move the

equipment out of the way. Is this a thing do this? No, I've been drinking. I was in my own drinking contest over here. I am wasted. He won. I'm like, I've been silent for the past two minutes. You have enough?

That means I'm pretty drunk. Okay, cool. All right. You got your three, Jackie? Yeah, I got my three. All right. So while we can commentate while they do it,

let's try not to get any puke or beer. Can we start taking our bets? Oh, yeah. Yeah, let's do our bets. I'm not not to get any puke or beer. Can we start taking bets? Oh, yeah. Let's do bets. I'm not going to lie. Huh? I think I like Jackie.

I like Jackie. I think Jackie has something to prove. I'm going to say, honestly, just from watching Kissel's throat. Just from what I've seen. Kissel's got a nuts throat. I'm saying the underdog, Ed. Kissel, you would be the male Sasha Gray if you were in Fortnite. It's unbelievable what he can

take down that thing. Kevin, what do you think is going to happen here? I'm not going with you, man. You are? We've done this already, man. I've seen this year happen. I'm going with Kissel, too. I'm also going with Kissel. Really? We just got to try and fight it. I'm back on the wrong horse. No, no, no. You can't change which stream I am. I want to win,

but, you know, it's just... It's like fighting Muhammad Ali. Well, Muhammad Ali lost a few times. He did, man. Could Ed be the Larry Holmes of... Could Ed be the cerebral palsy? I'm sorry. I'm sorry for that.

I'm sorry about what I do. I'm voting for you, scumbag. Open your fucking beer. Shut up! Alright, so you can stand if you want to. Get ready to go. And people around gotta... Raise your hand. No, it's the first person to finish three.

So just raise your hand when you finish three. And whoever's nearest to them, grab the beers and make sure they're empty. Alright, so I'll take it. Henry, you check Jackie. Henry, you check Jackie. Dan, you check Ben. All right, I'm checking Ben. You're checking Ben. When he slams them down, make sure they're empty.

All right, on your mark, get set, go! Drink, drink, drink! Drink, drink! Nice. See, Ed's going with the shotgun approach. I like that. I like that energy. Oh, Jackie's getting the sexiest.

All right. Ed's down one. Jackie's down one. Ben is behind. Repeat. Ben is behind. Shotgun number two. Jackie is here running down her chest.

It's a normal Friday night. Dave on OKCupid. Ben is head-hunting. Oh, my God. Ed drops. Oh, my God. That's called by Ashita. It's a tactic. Jackie's holding him there. Big burp coming out of Ed. Big burp coming out of Ed. Oh my god! Ed drops! Oh my god! That's called by Ash, you know, saccadic.

This thing's- Jack is holding him there! Big burp coming out of Ed. Big burp coming out of Ed. Jacky! Oh god, Jacky might fall again. There's so many people- Jack got dead!

Ed! Ed is the winner! Ed is the winner! I think I watched KISS out there take it easy there towards the end, just- Fuck's sake! Just start sipping that beer. Fuck's sake! Ed looks like he's gonna fucking die. I might puke. I think I watched Kiss Heather take it easy there towards the end. Just start sipping that beer. Ed looks like he's going to fucking die.

I might puke. Yeah! Someone shake Eddie's stomach. Fuck you, Ed. Less than 40 seconds. Good job. Less than 40 seconds? Less than 40 seconds. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Eddie Larsen is a fucking, fucking, it's over. Oh! We got him! Eddie and Laura should be sharing. Fucking, fucking, it's over. That's the round table. Eddie L. Jackson, Eddie. We've got to get out of this room, ladies and gentlemen. It's not that much. Jackie Zabrowski,

Ed Lawson, the ultimate dealer, beautiful Kevin Barnett, intern Mel Marcus, we'll see you next week. Bye! That was fucking cool. Harrison, the ultimate dealer. Beautiful Kevin Barnett. Intern Mel, Marcus, Parkside Americans. We'll see you next week. Bye. That was fucking cool. That was amazing.

That was why I did not do that.