The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 320: Engagement Edition

Episode Date: March 9, 2017

The gang talks shady mailmen, questionable relationships with canine pals, a werewolf who stabbed a mailman to death, and of course, Holden's upcoming nuptials.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Gentlemen, always civility.

Oh, so my mother sent me all these books on wedding planning, and Lexi decided, you know, one of them has all these quizzes for the groom, and it's literally an entire book of quizzes for the groom to take. What does that mean? Like, what kind of quizzes? Like, last night, she was like, okay, just do one. Just do one. I'm like, I'm so tired. I'm so, I'm drunk.

How long are they? They're long, Ed. Holden's getting married. Holden's getting married. Somebody's getting married. So the quiz is like, this one's for the bride-to-be and the groom-to-be. What kind of planner are you? So it's a wedding planning planner quiz.

It's like the, I couldn't stand it. I was like, you know what kind of planner I am. We've been together for five years. Gotta get out of this house. I gotta get out of this house. Has it even been a week, Colin? Broken glass. You have months of this.

There is just, there is dishes just stuck in the wall. They've been thrown so hard. But those are from last week. Those are from last week. Well, I was like, what's the best way to get out of a fight? Give her a diamond ring. Ask her to marry. I thought you were going to throw a dish against the wall.

No, no, no. That came afterwards. That came afterwards. No. Welcome, everybody, no. That came afterwards. That came afterwards. No. Welcome, everybody, to the roundtable. Holden's getting married. He's almost broken.

Yeah, it's scary. I can't believe you're already broken. I was, my bet was three weeks in. It's, I am a broken, feeble,

old man at this point. It's always like something else that is the only thing I hear from you every once in a while. And so I always like something else that is the only thing I hear from you every once in a while. And so I know that like this wedding is the only thing I'm going to hear about until it happens.

It is the only thing I'm going to hear about. Can't it just happen next week? Can't we just do it? I'm trying to play Guitar Hero Live. Thank you, Andrew Parker. And I've got, I've got, instead it's just shenanigans being thrown. Pick a month.

We need a month. We have to pick a month. What's the month? I don't know what shenanigans being thrown. Pick a month. We need a month. We have to pick a month. What's the month? I don't know what the month. You have to pick a month. Give me a week, woman. I put all these plans together. It was very hard.

It's very hard to come up with these things. I can't believe she didn't give you a week. Oh my God. She's excited. She's so excited. My beautiful bride-to-be is so excited for our love to finally be a forced law. Hell yeah. Well, this is the Roundtable of Gentlemen.

Holden's getting married. Kissel ain't here. I'm hosting. Not hostless. What's going on? What's your name? Who's all around the table? Oh, my God.

You're ready for it. I'm ready for it. Fuck! Hey, Jackie. Hey, Ed. I'm supposed to say that's my name. That's my name. I just got my shirt.

I had to beg to get my own fucking shirt. You didn't have to beg. You politely asked. Beg to get it. I had to rip off my shirt in front of Travis and show him that I did have nipples just so I could get the shirt. He cried at those nipples like I've never seen. It was like the scene in Lion King where the dad dies. He was just.

It looked like my nipples had been ripped to shreds by a bunch of antelope, was it? How did he die? He fell off the cliff. Was it antelope? The antelope, was it? How did he die? He fell off the cliff. Was it antelope? Yeah, antelope trampled him. Yeah. No, he got his rib removed so he could suck his own dick. Oh, I forgot.

Travis gets the worst of it. Right, I forgot. That was Marilyn Manson. Did he do that? That was the guy from Tool. No. Which one was it? That was the CD tool.

That was the CD art tool. Remember, because you could move it and it would suck it. The guy would go. Mine didn't make the noise. You had to make the noise with your mind. You had to make the noise yourself. You had to do. Tool man, rock and roll music, dude.

Jimmy fucking Hendrix, man, played the guitar. Fucking upside down left handed. Was he in Tool? I think he had a couple licks. I think there were a couple fat licks in there. He was like, hey, give me them licks. Throw them licks in there. Oh, man.

I remember I went to Bonnaroo 2007. I'm at Bonnaroo with my ex-girlfriend, and we're like, we're going to ride the Ferris wheel, and it's during the police. I didn't care about the police. You had a Ferris wheel? My Bonnaroo didn't have a Ferris wheel. They always got a Ferris wheel. And it's during the police. I didn't care about the police. You had a Ferris wheel? My Bonnaroo didn't have a Ferris wheel. They always got a Ferris wheel.

You're too fucked up. Me? You are a shithole. Me? So I'm on the Ferris wheel. Tool's on the next night. And me and my lady, we get on the Ferris wheel. And then some random kid comes on the Ferris wheel.

And he's wearing a Tool shirt. Just him. He came in our car. And I'm like, well, we wanted to, you know, we wanted to make out and shit. Yeah. And so I didn't know what to do. So we're start talking to this kid and he's, I'm like, what are you, so who are you here

to see? And he's like tool. He was like, you're wearing a tool shirt. Like, yeah, cool, man. It was like, who else? And he's like, I don't care. I'm just here to see tool. It's like, you're going to be here for three days and just see tool ruin my fucking Ferris

wheel. That's tool fans for you. three days and just see Tool ruin my fucking Ferris wheel? That's Tool fans for you. That's Tool fans for you. Why would you spend that much money to sleep in the heat just to see Tool from like a million yards away? Tool has

the worst fans in the world. The worst fans ever. Yeah. You see a guy with a Tool t-shirt, walk the other way. Stay away. I loved a Tool song though. I love Tool. Tool's amazing. I fucking love Tool. I love a lot of Tool songs. I know a Tool song, though. I love Tool. I love Push It. Tool's amazing. I fucking love Tool. I love a lot of Tool songs. I know a lot of Tool songs.

You know? Sober? Yeah. Why can't we not be sober? I want to drink. Break your head open and it fucking melts. I want to drink. I made a machine.

It's bigger than me. It can march 40 times and shit for three. Man, I love that three Man I love that song I love that song The spider shatters I'm Count Tocula The Dracula of two I'm scary and I'm merry

And sometimes I can be quite cruel Count Tocula was by far my favorite concept album. You are going to be a husband. I'm a groom boy. I'm a happy groom boy. And I want to thank everybody out there for congratulating me and for being jealous of my love and for just like being so sad. You could give me an edit shout out. If they don't have their love.

If you want. Okay. Give me an edit shout out. Eddie? me and Ed a shout out. But they don't have their love. If you want. Okay. Give me and Ed a shout out. Jackie? Speaking of shout outs. Holden Edders, ho! I have so many. I caught up.

I'm all caught up on my shout outs. It is a wall of text. Let's get through them, guys. Everybody buckle up. Get ready to listen to me for the next 10 to 15 minutes. We'll see how many we get through. You get six. Kite says, I'd like to give a shout out to Jake Rides again.

I'm glad I let your man soup incubate inside of me for nine months and produce your spawn. Oh, that's cruel. That technically is two. We named the baby Benjamin after an American hero. Benjamin Franklin. Jackie, I love you and Holden, you're awesome. Tom, woof. Ed got snubbed.

Marcus got snubbed. Tom, Chris, Dave. Always getting snubbed. Tom, Chris, Dave. Always getting snubbed. Oh, please tell Debbie I'm sorry for the infidelity. It won't happen again. Debbie, don't trust him. It will happen again. Also, did you know a pelican's throat looks like a pussy hole?

Good shit. Same guy? Same guy. No, that's not true. Only a fish can get through, and they can die if something bigger gets stuck in there. Pussyhole. Good shit. Same guy? Same guy. No, that's not true. Oh, that's not a good... Only a fish can get through, and they can die if something bigger gets stuck in there. And we have babies come out of our vagina. There you go.

So I say nay. Say nay, but I'm also saying if he's thinking pelican necks look like pussyholes, maybe he shouldn't be with this other girl. Exactly. There's Debbie, and you say nay. That's what a horse says, Jackie. Nay. Good shit. I'm looking at a pelican's mouth right now. He's Debbie, and you say nay, that's what a horse says, Jackie. Good chase.

I'm looking at a pelican's mouth right now. He's kind of right. I miss Ed and Kevin and I hope they are not dead. I've been here for two weeks straight. Love you, Holden. This is how old these are. Love you, Holden, and may your mighty sword glisten red with the blood of your enemies. Monty Montgomery says Ho! Marcus's nipples

taste delicious. Ben reminds me of Lurch from the Addams Family. I want to play Holden's lumpy neck like a xylophone. Ho! Oceanic 101 says, Ho! I love y'all so much. You can have my last beer. It's in Michigan, though.

Come to Grand Rapids. Bring Holden, Eddie, and Jackie. But no, but seriously, be nice to Ben. Don't piss off Marcus. Eddie is an angel. Jackie is the loveliest. Holden is king. Have Reed on 110% of the time.

By the way, I've been getting a lot of people saying, bring Andrew back. Bring Reed back. So let's have them on soon. I invited them both today. They were busy. Grand Dizzle says, Holdenators, no. Pauly Smoothposer says, roundtable shout out. Dapiek is a Harkonnen fuckboy.

Clippers in Q says, Holden Taters, ho, I bought a PS4 just for a shout out. There you go. Moving units. Psychotropic Sub says, Holden, you fuck is the opposite of a Holdenator, a Holden hater. Tell Jackie to keep it spicy. Keep it spicy, Jackie. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. There you go.

Salmonburger says, shout out to the biggest bitch in Tennessee, AG. He's a grumpy fucking prick who knows bird is best. I have a snake funnel. I'm Ben Kissel. Freeney, freeney, pass the egg salad. It's go time. Holdenators, ho. Also, I am Ben Kissel.

I am. It's not bad. I am me. Pied Sniper says, Holdenators, thanks to you, I now only order flaccid tacos. Boxcar Cadaver says, I can't decide if I hate you or PlayStation shoutouts more. Go shrimp. Dylan W. says, oh, I've got a shoutout. Tell Ed the Dolphins are losing to the Bills Christmas Eve.

Did that happen? No, it's a future thing. Also, Bert Luger equals the truth. Oh, roundtable field trip to the MSG fish run. All 13. I've got all the sticky nugs and dabs you and Ed can handle. He's running a train on us. I know.

This is just a wall. I've been over here just looking at pictures of pelicans. And I am also looking at the pictures of pelicans. I'm not sitting next to Marcus this time because I'm trying to fucking host a show. You know what? You're done. You're done. I'm not sitting next to Marcus this time because I'm trying to fucking host a show. You know what? You're done. All right. You're done.

I'm putting my foot down. Thank you. Thank you. All right. We ain't no host buses this week. Fuck you. We are host full. We got Big Fat Ed, and he is bringing the juice.

That's goddamn right, Jackie. Ed Larson here. I'm your host, and that's Marcus Parks, our newsman. Tell us what's in the news. Ooh, a Minnesota mailman is facing burglary and bestiality charges after he, quote, carnally did know a dog owned by a customer on his delivery route. So he stole the dog and fucked it, and so he got a charge of both? He fucked the dog at the house. Oh, then what did he steal?

He was- Burglary, right? He broke in to fuck the dog. Oh, didn't that just break in an enemy? He's getting mischarged. Someone make Ed his lawyer. Well, according to a criminal complaint, the dog's owner told police that he became suspicious after noticing the mailman had been spending a long period of time in his garage.

The man added that he was going to call the post office to have them tell his mailman to stop going into his garage to leave packages while he was not there. When the mailman arrived, the homeowner gets notifications on his phone when someone comes onto his property, which is outfitted with security cameras. The future is great. Imagine how many fucking dogs were getting screwed in the ass without us knowing before people started doing locating votes. There you go. In the 60s, everyone's fucking dogs.

No one knew. Every mailman fucking dogs. Rabbits fucking cats. Squirrels fucking birds. Anything. Now it's all caught on camera keeping people accountable.

Yeah, it's the dirty secret of mailman's. Constantly fucking dogs. So they're a filthy bunch. I'll tell you. They are filthy people. How else do they win over a dog? All the dogs hate them.

Gotta fuck them. Gotta fuck them. Oh, that's so, wow. It's like a love-hate thing. I wasn't even thinking about that. Yep, so I'm here for him. Talking about love-hate fucking relationships. There you go.

There you go. Jackie has a bit of weight under that statement. You trying to call me fat? No. You trying to call me fat? You're going to be a husband! I'm telling Lexi. He's stressed out.

Husband! The homeowner told police that he, quote, wanted to know what the mailman was doing in his garage for so long, so he reviewed surveillance footage on February 7th. Chapman was recorded entering the garage around 1.30pm and setting down a package. The mailman then engaged in a sexual act with a dog which was entering the garage around 1.30 p.m. and setting down a package.

The mailman then engaged in a sexual act with a dog, which was in the garage. You know I'm completely against sexual acts with dogs, especially in this kind of situation, which sounded like R. You say that every time I see you. You say I'm against sex relations with a dog. And you know that about me.

Holden, how are you? But at least he just wasn't in there just like touching on his tools, just being like, eee, eee. I don't know. I'd much rather someone fuck on my tools than screw my dog.

Yeah, but what if he's doing like fake dentistry? What about like, yeah, or like rubbing his balls on your tools? Still rather that than him fuck my dog. Come on the tools. Getting closer, but still. Is there dog therapy, though? Put the dog in therapy.

How is he going to trust the mailman again? Maybe this is where it actually began. I mean, mailmen are just madmen. They really are. I met my mailman today, actually, and he was half a dickhead. When I worked at the poorhouse. New York mailmen, though, are very, very different from, I would say, out of state. You think so?

Out of city mailmen. No, they're all surly. Really? Yeah. It's a hard job. Well, you were about to say the drunken mailmen that used to come into the bar you worked at? Yeah, the poorhouse. They used to come in like a five-person team, and they would stay there and drink all through their shift.

I knew a guy. He used to come in every day and drink countless amount of beers. He used to keep a full bottle of Jack Daniels in his mail sack and he would finish it every fucking day. I remember that guy. That guy was sad. He used to piss himself on a regular basis just sitting at the barstool and not clean the fucking barstools. Yikes. It was awful.

He shit himself during an American Airlines party. They got upset. He's not even a pilot. Big client. They got upset. He's not even a pilot. Big client. We had a good male person that came when, I mean,

everyone knows about Gracie Mae and how fat she was. The dog, your parents' dog? Oh, yeah, she did. I didn't know Gracie Mae's dead. Oh, yeah, she's all kinds of dead. Yeah, they had to put her down. Yeah, that was the dog that Henry and Jackie's mom fed so much that it couldn't walk anymore. I didn't know it died, though.

But we had a male person that loved Gracie so much that she would get out of the mail truck to come up to the front door to deliver the mail just so she could pet Gracie. So it's like, you know, you got your goods. She also brought, like, condolences, condolence gifts to my parents when they found out that Gracie was put down. Oh, that's so sweet. They get a new dog? No, they're not allowed to. I talked about the cat thing. I said that they wanted a cat, but my mom was like, you can't overfeed a cat.

Then I said, what about Garfield? What about Garfield? What if they got like an old dying dog and just fed it to death? That's what they did with this dog. This dog was eight years old when they got it, and she was kept in a cage. She had nothing on her when they got her. She was abused her whole life. That's why my mom decided to treat her like a princess.

I think she had a great end of her life. How old was she when she died? Twelve. I just feel like suffocating. She should have been older than that. Suffocating on your own lungs by your own fat is not a fun way to go. That's 84. 84 years old, man.

That's good. You'd only live four years with your parents? Because my mom wanted her to be treated like a princess because she had such a terrible, abusive life. Better than killed immediately.

Well, that's why she was going to go to death. That's why my mom took her. Better than killed immediately. Yeah, there was probably like two and a half really good years there where the dog didn't really know

what was going on. I'm sure it was smiling until the day it died. Yeah. It was probably like two and a half really good years there where the dog didn't really know what was going on. I'm sure it was smiling until the day it died. Yeah. It was eating steak. It was eating bacon. It had beds in every room of the house. Actually, my grandpa and grandma had a dog that they did that to. It was called Shadow.

It was a little Datsun, and its stomach hung so low to the ground that it was all calloused. And my grandma just fed it nothing but biscuits. She goes, Shadow, we poo dog, let daddy give you a biscuit. And then the dog would waddle over and he'd give him a little biscuit. And that's why our family shouldn't have pets. My mom's neighbor

adopted a military German shepherd and wanted to give it a good life. It's there for a week. They feed it some pork. It never had pork before. Dead. Whoa.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Its body just wasn't... It couldn't take it. It just killed it. Yeah, it's what happened to a lot of Jewish people after they were freed from the concentration camps.

Thank you for saying it so gently. So gently. You handled the subject perfectly, wonderfully. Thank you. I could see gently. So gently. You handled the subject perfectly wonderfully. Thank you. I could see the rest of what you really wanted to say, and you held back, and it was really nice. And the little girl was the only one that had a red jacket.

And then there was the one with the diary. So when they found the jacket, she was dead? She may or may not have been dead. They just found the jacket. All right, spoiler alert. I know. Guys, spoiler alert. Come know. Guys, spoiler alert. Come on.

She's just chilly. Everything else during that time was in black and white. So it's a bit of a Wizard of Oz situation. I got another animal sex worker story. Of course. Oh, good. I hope it's a kangaroo. It's another dog.

All right. An animal shelter worker has been arrested for reportedly having sex with a dog she was supposed to look after. Oh, well, yeah. What's happening? They should have just reported these together. Wait, was that just a dog sex? That's just a dog sex.

That's just dog sex, yeah. You gonna fuck the puppies. That's why they're dildos. We know that dog sex happens. Yeah. You know, I mean, do we condone it? Absolutely not. Does Jackie sometimes think about it?

Maybe. No, I don't. Make them deny. Make them deny. I've never done it. I think it's terrible. Holden for Senate. They're just, I mean, fuck a bowl of pudding.

They're just other things for you to put inside of yourself that isn't a dog. It's doggone travesty. Oh, come on. All right. Oh, come on. All right, Daddy Ed. Here, here. Come right. Oh, come on. All right, Daddy Ed. Here, here. Come on.

Here, here. Pop Eddie coming around the block with his Pop Eddie. That poor dog and those poor Jews. I mean, we always say that poor dog, but it seems like, what if the dog liked it? Is this still, like, I mean. I mean, he was having sex with, I don't think the dog was having... You know, it wasn't like a dog licking peanut butter off a vagina. I think it was a man holding down a dog

and forcibly putting its penis into its vagina. There was a third person involved. Oh, I'm still talking about the mailman. The woman, the dog may have enjoyed it. But the dog does not have consent. The third person was definitely dressed up like Spider-Man, which is fine. Then it's just a superhero story, and we love those in America. Are there any dog superheroes?

Yeah, Crypto. Cool. There you go. Crypto is Superman's dog. And Dr. Doggins, the worldly speaking dog doctor. Underdog. Underdog. That's the one with the cape.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he wasn't getting raped. I think. Because he was so strong. And he could fly away. That's the problem. Maybe we should be teaching our dogs more. How to fly.

We should get them into seminars to know when they can and cannot say yes or no. I mean, they need to know about consent. Either that or start shaving them so they look more like people. Yeah. One or the other. This is what we are condoning this. Absolutely.

Get them hats, get them glasses, whatever they need. I just wish it was more of a situation like if it was a bear so that, you know, the human is in danger when this is

going on, you know? Well, sometimes, I mean, if you're trying to fuck like a mean Rottweiler, then you're going to be in danger. That's true. But they don't choose those and that's why they don't choose those. Yeah, I don't know.

Because they're not attractive. The nice, what are you talking about Rottweiler and attractive? We've talked about this before. Rottweiler's a beautiful dog. It is a beautiful dog, but not for having sex with. What are you talking about? It's all big. No, what's the dog you would choose a Rottweiler to have sex with? I don't know.

That's such a tough decision. Yeah, what dog are you going with? I mean, part of me thinks the St. Bernard. Yeah? Nice and lullibully. Well, you know, like I said, we shave it. And a hero. And a hero?

Well, you know, he usually has a barrel around his neck so he can get hammered. Yeah. No, no, no. It's got toilet paper in there. Toilet paper? Yeah. I don't know. Right?

Swiss? Yeah. The Swiss ones? Don't they got toilet paper in there? No, it's booze. I think you're thinking of a commercial. Oh, I'm thinking... Oh my god, my whole life is just driven

by commercials. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. We go into Jackie's brain and it's just, yeah, every synapse is a different commercial she's seen on television. What do you do now in the Netflix age? You got no new commercials. I still get my Hulu commercials. Don't fucking worry. Oh, my God.

But they repeat the same one over and over again. It's awful because I've been watching. I mean, we're not going to get into this. What have you been watching? I've been watching MasterChef Junior. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Ouch. Ouch. I've been watching MasterChef Junior. Sneak peek for page seven. I know. We're definitely going to have to talk about that on page seven. I know. It's ouch. I'm saying ouch. That is ouchy. I'll. We're definitely going to have to talk about that on page seven. I know. It's ouch.

I'm saying ouch. That is ouchy. I'll never watch Little Big Shots. You can't even fucking tape me down to a chair I'll bite through the tape. I don't know. What is it? Steve Harvey's fucking, fucking reality show

about like little, like toddlers and like this toddler can juggle and this toddler can sing a song. That doesn't sound like exploitation at all. I hate it so much. Little big shots can go to fucking hell. Yeah. Not the children, just Steve Harvey and the show.

Nah, the kids too. Yeah. I guess those kids too. Send them all down there. You're not that talented. I'm making the pitch for Ultimate Beastmaster. Great show. Been watching it.

It's kind of like American Gladiators, but without the gladiators. It's so difficult to get through. It's difficult. I gotta watch it. It's fun. It's kind of like American Gladiators, but without the gladiators. It's so difficult to get through. It's difficult. I've got to watch it. It's fun. It's fun. It's stupid. And these are like primed people ready to go.

Oh, yeah. No, it's like ice climbers and fucking parkour instructors. I didn't know that was something that existed all over the world. They can't even get through the first round. But it's only a matter of who did the best. It's still the top. You don't have to get through the first round, but you can't get through the first round. But it's only a matter of who did the best. It's still the top. You don't have to get through the first round. But you can't get through the first round.

Every round gets harder. I could teach you how to parkour, Ed. Thank you. Ed and I are going to go out. I'm going to teach you how to a little bit of parkour. You get the jumpy Sue. The jumpy Sue. Teach you the ringulete.

Teach you the crumbro. You can always tell we're holding his parkoured before because it's little grease spots. It looks like the Ninja Turtles just came through. Favorite show when I was a kid. Yeah? Good figure. Absolutely. What was your favorite show?

Married Children. Dorky McDougus Goes to the Bunk Society? Good one, Holden. He's going to be a husband. Good one, Holden. He's going to be a husband. Oz tricked a woman to marry me. That is sad because it's true.

She's going to listen to this. This has been a long con. She may listen to this one. Anytime she thinks she might have been mentioned in an episode, she will listen to it. Oh, okay. Yeah, so she's definitely listening. That's fine. New story? Let's do a new story.

Sure. A Washington man told police he stabbed his mother to death because he is a werewolf and she is a vampire. Cool. Gonna happen. Yeah. You know. Yeah, but werewolves and vampires together. They do.

They hate each other. Where the movie at? Am I right? I always think that werewolves, you know, need to use more weapons instead of just clawing each other. Yeah. This is like technically kind of our third dog story. Technically. Did a werewolf get his dick sucked or something?

What happens? Well, vampires don't usually have weapons. Sometimes they have swords. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What do they use? I guess just their magical strength. Yeah, they just use magic. Yeah, but you can always punch through their bodies because they're kind of soft, right?

I mean, it all depends, but usually if you do punch through their bodies, not much is going to happen. Nothing's going to happen. Yeah, but they live forever, so you can't really stop them, right? Why are they allergic to so much? Garlic and mirrors and light. I said, why? It seems like they're so fragile. I guess they're already dead.

Yeah, but they live forever, so it's like really, like in general, that's not that much. You hide. Then you gotta hide forever. Yeah. But you can't hide

from your werewolf son. I wouldn't want to be a werewolf. Fuck that shit. You'd rather be Dracula? I just feel like it would hurt my ego too much to grow out of my clothes every month.

I'd rather be a mummy. Really? I'd rather be a fucking mummy. Dude, mummies aren't even a thing anymore. What? Are you saying mummies are out? Mummies are out. They're remaking the mummy with Tom Cruise, someone who's actually older than Brendan Fraser.

Mummy's coming back. Are they really? Yeah. Coming back. Really? No, they're not. Yeah, they're remaking the mummy. They're redoing the whole thing. Why? With Tom back. Really? No, they're not. Yeah, they're remaking the mummy. They're redoing the whole thing.

Why? With Tom Cruise. Why? Who's technically four years older than Brendan Fraser. Why? And it's called Mission Impossible Mummy Edition. Mummy. See, if you ship it like that, I'm down.

There you go. Yeah, fast times at mummy high. Intended to be the first installment in the Universal Monsters shared universe. Oh, my God. Oh, well, that could be cool. That could be really cool, because if I'm going to choose, like, what creature, I'm going to be, like, Universal Monsters, I'm going to be a creature from Black Lagoon. Oh, yeah, of course.

Yeah, of course. But, like, from dirt. Yeah. Creature from the dirt lagoon. Creature from the filthy dirt lagoon. How do you kill the creature from the Black Lagoon? What's his thing? Yeah, you can't really kill him.

I mean, I guess you could just hit him with an axe. I think you can make him find true love. Aw, Beauty and the Beast. Aw, Beauty and the Beast. Emma Watson, Page 7. We're getting into

Page 7 territory, and I'm sorry. That's fine. You know, what are you gonna do? I kind of want to see that new Glenn Close zombie movie. What? There's a Glenn Close zombie movie? see that new Glenn Close zombie movie. What? There's a Glenn Close zombie movie?

There's a Glenn Close zombie movie. Yeah, it's called British Zombies. Get it easy. It's something about the girls. The girl with all the gifts. Yes, the girl with all the gifts. It's about these children have whatever it is to be resistant to the zombie disease. And I fucking hate zombies.

I'm throwing it out there. But this is a movie that I'm kind of into. Well, sometimes if they're done right, they're fun. This one looks like it's done right, so they have to keep this girl safe because she has the antidote of finding out how to get rid of the zombies. And Glenn Close is her master of souls,

and she cannot get rid of the girl. The girl has gone on the prowess. And I watched this fucking trailer, and I was like what is this movie? But they move fast and I like zombies that move fast.

That's fun. I think I'd be a werewolf. Oh yeah. Absolutely. No arguments there. I just like playing with dogs so much.

Yeah but it's too easy. But then how would you think about the guilt you would feel after you went on your rampage? I wouldn't know.

Don't you? What you just don't know? Sometimes you remember. I mean you'd wake up in went on your rampage. I wouldn't know. Don't you? What, you just don't know? Sometimes you remember. I mean, you'd wake up in the morning covered in blood. Oh, okay. Well, you know, I'd get under control like Jack Nicholson. Wolf. Everyone forgets about Wolf.

And it's great. It's a great werewolf movie. It's probably my favorite. Yeah, better than American Werewolf in London? It's tough, but yeah, I think I like Wolf more. Okay. Michelle Pfeiffer's so sexy. Does she still got it?

Probably. Does she still got it? Probably. Okay. I don't think she does. Really? I don't think she does. Sure.

Oh, come on. New Page 7 segment, does she still got it? She got it. She got it? Let me see. Let's see. I just saw, whatchamacallit, I just-watched The Specialist the other day this week. Sharon Stone was so hot.

Sharon Stone in The Specialist? In The Specialist. She was hot for a very long time. What movie would you most want to have sexual intercourse with Michelle Pfeiffer? Which movie of hers? Batman Returns. Oh, yeah. That woman, come on.

You got Scarface. She's looking fun in, yeah. That woman, come on. Well, I mean, you got Scarface. She's looking fun in that one. Yeah. She's got him out. Dangerous minds. Yeah, she's like, let me teach you black people a lesson. The fabulous Baker boys. She's dancing on a piano.

Yeah. And then she teaches the black people how to get out of the ghetto. Such a difficult last name to spell. Pfeiffer? More difficult than you think. Yeah. Had to look it up multiple times. Pfe difficult last name to spell. Flipper? More difficult than you think. Yeah. Had to look it up multiple times. Pfeffer.

Pfeffer. Kim Basinger, though. Kim Basinger, she's got laser breasts. I hate to bring up a conversation that we had on page seven, but we were talking about Nicole Kidman and what she used to be and how fucking smoking she was.

Nicole Kidman. Such a fucking long timeman in the Aerosmith music videos, I'm thinking of... And Batman Forever. Batman Forever. I'm thinking of somebody else. You're thinking of Alicia Silverstone. But who was also Batgirl, right? Who was Batgirl in Batman and Robin, the next Batman. So we're now three consecutive Bat movies.

Crazy, crazy, crying for you, baby. Batman and Robin, the next Batman. So we're now three consecutive Bat movies. Crazy, crazy, crying for you, baby. Is that the song it was? That's amazing. Yeah, they're all the same. All three songs. Yeah, all three songs are the exact same song. Do you remember? Kiss my rose.

He's like a Mervyn Morgan I am the Ritual And I'm horny How horny am I right now Thank you Marcus You know I couldn't do it alone Of course not I wouldn't let you do You know I couldn't do it alone. Of course not. I wouldn't let you do it alone. I could never do it alone.

Is it page seven? Did Seal sing any other songs? Yeah, he sang that other one. I'm Seal and you cannot mess with me. You know the deal. I am made of three different men. I'm Seal. Got a skin

condition on my face Face is fucked up Look at my fucked up face It's called Pock Marks It's called Pock Marks And then there's a bugle solo Where did my wife go? Where did my wife go?

His wife left him She is beautiful Oh yeah For her bodyguard. What was her name? What is she? Princess Di? Heidi Klum.

Heidi Klum. Seale's real name is Henry. Oh, that makes sense. Is it Henry Seale? It's Seale Henry Oresagoon Orominde Adiola. That's so weird. Oh, my God. It's my brother.

No wonder he's so famous. My brother is sealed. He should have done a cover of Signed, Sealed, Delivered. He really missed that one. He really did. I mean, he could still. I don't think he's a jokester. Signed, me, delivered.

I think he's the opposite of a jokester is the thing. That's true. He could take it seriously. Yeah. Signed, me, delivered. I'm yours. Yeah. Sign me, deliver. I'm yours. I'm yours. Heidi Klum.

Uh-uh-uh. And she was like, no, no, no. I take a these and a this. She points to her breast, points to her vagina. And they go so far away. And they fuck big Russian men. Oh, is she fucking a big Russian man? I don't know.

The bodyguard is a bodyguard, but I assume he's Russian. Yeah. Because of all of the movies where Russians are bad guys or big men. I bet he's got the cock the size of a telephone pole. Cecile's skin condition? Lupus.

I thought it was pockmarks. Oh, that'll happen. Lupus. Lupus. I tried to say hi to Heidi Klum once and she did not say hi back. Did you say, Heidi Klum? No she did not say hi back. Did you say Heidi Klum? No, I didn't.

That was your problem. That's your problem. Signed, sealed, delivered. Their names are puns and if you can't get behind that, you might as well go fucking jump off a bridge while blowing your brains out. They were a match. True. You know who's nice? The other one. Rebecca Romaine Stamos.

I don't know if that's just the other one. It is Women's Day, and I feel like I'm allowed to say that's not just the other one. And also, her name is now Rebecca Romaine. She's not with him anymore. Because she remains the Stamos. No, she ain't no Stamos, no Moses. No more. And he can drum, and he is an angel.

She cannot drum. And I saw him. I saw him with the Beach Boys, with Doug Austin from the Cowmen. Pretty cool. He is dreamy as the fuck. And he played his songs, and we fell in love. He's daddy for days. Did you go to work today, Jackie?

No. Hell yeah. Woman's day. Woman's day. There you go. And you're wearing red. A lot of it. I did it. I did my job. Did you go to work today, Jackie? No. Hell yeah. Women's Day. Women's Day. There you go. And you're wearing red. A lot of it. I did it.

I did my job. There you go. Nice. I think they did a bad fight here, the Women's Day. What do you mean? Are you trying to be anti-Women's Day right now? What are we getting at? Because I don't know if you're allowed to be that.

I know. I'm just saying it just seems like they should have went to work. No, the whole thing was that if you had to go to work, of course, but still fight the fight. I know. Oh, I see. A woman's place at work. Yeah, but we're allowed to be. Isn't it the whole thing like a woman's place at home and they want to be treated equally at work?

And then they don't go to work? There's a lot of things going on here, but here we are allowed to drink as much as we want because the creek and the cave is owned by a woman. Song remains the stamus. So I am getting drunk here. So, wait, women drink for free here tonight? No, part of Women's Day is trying to only spend your money towards women-owned establishments. If you're getting the thing for free, you are the product.

I learned that recently. That's a ladies' night. I don't understand what that means. If you're getting the free thing, you are the product. Because it's ladies' night, and I feel like biting, my ladies. I'm a vampire to bring it back. So you're a vampire. Maybe.

Uh-huh. And Jackie, you are? I don't know. What are the options? You're the vampire. He's a mummy, I thought. Yeah, I thought I was a mummy. I thought you just said you were a vampire.

Okay, I'm a mummy that comes out as a vampire halfway through the movie. That's pretty good. Which is kind of fun. Yeah, there's a mummy. There's Wolfman. There's Frankenstein. There's a creature from the Black Lagoon. That's it, right? Sometimes the Phantom of the Opera is thrown in there. Yeah, there's a mummy. There's Wolfman. There's Frankenstein. There's a creature from the Black Lagoon. That's it, right?

Sometimes the Phantom of the Opera is thrown in there. Oh, that's right. I mean, I guess. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Yeah, I'd rather be Phantom of the Opera because at least at the end he gets a bone. You can also be the dude from Les Mis. Oh, Dracula does bone. Yeah.

Yeah, but he's got to invite them in first. They got to come up to the castle. No, he's got to get in. I mean, they got to come All the way over there It's a castle People wanna go I know I played Dracula's that buddy though

That you have That does way too much work You know He like puts way too much More in than it's worth For the sex the other night He's the one that's like Off in the corner

For five hours You can tell he doesn't Like the conversation Which is we're always The guys that I fucked anyway So I guess that's what I'd rather just be Dracula's bitch On Frankenstein too You can also be a Frankenstein I guess that's what it is. I'd rather just be Dracula's bitch.

Oh, and Frankenstein, too. You can also be a Frankenstein. I don't want to be Frankenstein because I don't want to be made. Kissel's Frankenstein. Frankenstein's a scientist, by the way. The monster is the monster. I know it's Frankenstein's monster. Yeah, everyone knows that it's fucking Frankenstein.

Maybe people don't know. If they don't know by now, then they could just shut their ears off permanently forever. Uh, snip, snap, ears coming back open. You better not. Well, that's why I didn't say you could be Frankenstein. I said you could be a Frankenstein.

If you're saying a Frankenstein, that's a truncation. Frankenstein's monster. A Frankenstein is different from just Frankenstein. Truncation delineation.

A Mothra. Mothra doesn't fit into this. Doesn't exist. Jackie, you can be a Vampire S and I think that's what you were requesting just a second ago. You don't want to be Dracula.

You want to be one of his underling ladies. I just want to have a lot of sex and just be like, ooh, don't take me out of here. Actually, vampiresque is like almost, almost naughty, naughty, and then they leave, and then Dracula comes in and fucks them. I'm sticking with the dog. I'm staying with the fish man. Hell yeah. Hanging out in the lagoon. Out in the lagoon. You are definitely a lagoon person. Oh, yeah Hanging out in a lagoon. Out in the lagoon.

You are definitely a lagoon person. Oh, yeah. Creature from Black Lagoon. He gets chicks. Oh, yeah. See, I feel like he'd more be like the nothing. He's probably got a pontoon boat. From Never Ending Story.

Never Ending Story. Just nothing. Yeah, where they take the horse. Mm-hmm. A treyu. Oh, my God. A treyu. Does a treyu die with the horse?

No. No, he watches the horse side, this whole thing. But then there's like the wolves. I haven't seen it in a really long time. I just remember those big statues with the... Yeah, the big statues with the gigantic exposed tits. Yeah, with the lasers. The blastoids.

Yeah. I like the second one, too. The one with the... The rock people? That go underground? They were scary. Is that the one with the rock people that go underground. They were scary. Is that the one with the rock people

with the rock baby and they eat rocks? I like that one. They can travel through the underground like a tremor. That one gets dark and weird. That one has got

like a labyrinth vibe. It's all dark and weird. Labyrinth, never ending story. It was all like a dark creepy vibe. Yeah. You know?

Where were the Frozens by the way which I saw last Saturday and I loved it. Did you? Page seven. Wait. You know? Where were the Frozens by the way which I saw last Saturday and I loved it. Did you? Page seven. Wait you saw Frozen?

Yeah. I still haven't. Watch it. It holds up. I'm like a boy again. It came out five years ago.

I feel like a boy. I feel like a fun child man. It was great. Lexi and I were freshly in love again because I had to you know because I

proposed to her just the night before so she was in love with me again. Thank God. Is that how you do it? That's how you get it to happen again. The snowman is aggravating to me. If she's like- Hans?

If she's like, Marcus, I think we should end this. It's over. Marry me. Marry me. I don't change it all around. It sounds great. Oh, it's the best. I hear that's like the best way to save a relationship.

And then, well, a baby. And then a baby. Yeah, and then have a baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Things are good. We got to shake things up. Let's put a baby in this home. I say get a rabbit.

Get a rabbit. Get a rabbit. Get a rabbit. We need space. No, what you do is- Because if it dies, you won't even be that upset. I got you a ring. It's 18 carats.

Hold up 18 actual food carats. For the rabbit. For the. It's 18 carrots. Hold up 18 actual food carrots. For the rabbit. For the rabbit that's behind you and it's the cutest thing you've ever seen. Oh, yeah. You can make the carrots into like a hula hoop. So it's still a ring? Ed, can I ask you something? What?

Do you want to build a snowman? Not at all. Something else than things. That's not my Idina Menzel. I love Disney. And I just want nothing to do with Frozen. It's not my Idina Menzel. I love Disney and I just want nothing to do with Frozen. It's great. I can't wait for Beauty and the Beast.

Hopefully it's half of what Pete's Dragon was. I think we should all go see Kong this week. I'm down for going to see Kong. Let's go see Kong. Maybe Friday night? Battery Park? Yeah. Maybe. Battery Park. This Friday? Well, because it's going to be sold out everywhere. No one ever goes to Battery Park. It's like the secret of New York City.

That is true. No one goes to Battery Park. I'd rather see Beauty and the Beast. But that doesn't come out this week. Also down. I want to see it this week. Also, see, I want like a Beast night. I want to see Kong and then Beauty and the Beast.

That's kind of my thing. Ooh, that sounds kind of fun. A night of Beast? Maybe this is the good. I say we call it Friday night. Anyone who wants to come, Battery Park, Roundtable Outing. There you go, Roundtable Outing. I would like to.

Also, Fish is doing 13 shows at Madison Square Garden soon. Ed and I are going to go to all of them. So Roundtable meet up for 13 nights in a row. I would rather put a bullet in my brain. Yeah. Oh, I got ween tickets for June. Yeah. I'm going to see the lips tomorrow. Oh!

Guys, guys, guys. I have nothing exciting in my future. So hell yeah. That is exciting though. Yeah, it's kind of like open forum. What's going to happen? Nothing. I got something exciting. Do you want to do it? Marry Lexi. No, man. We can marry Lexi. I got something exciting. Do you want to do it? Do you want to marry Lexi?

No, man. Oh, yeah. I guess. All right. Yeah, we can marry Lexi. I'll marry Lexi. Okay. All right.

Okay, cool. You can do that now. As long as I get to suck Doug's dick. Can I do that now? You can do it. In New York State, you can. Yeah, you can suck Doug's dick. Yeah, but if it's a lesbian marriage, though, you do have to change your last name to Muffeater.

That's fine. Jackie Muffeater. Jackie Muff Eater. That's fine. Jackie Muff Eater. Jackie Muff Eater. That's my name. So anytime anyone in the world says the word Muff Eater, which is often, especially in the South, then I can have my shirt on. Are gay guys stuff eaters?

Yeah, they are now, Ed. Muff Eaters and Stuff Eaters. Muff Eaters and Stuff Eaters. And then what are we? Eaters? Yeah. Just Eaters and stuff eaters. Muff eaters and stuff eaters. And then what are we? Eaters? Yeah. Just eaters and beaters.

Beaver eaters. No, you're beaver eaters. Eaters and beaters. Yeah, like fake eggs. Egg beaters.

That wasn't funny. Don't laugh at it. I appreciate the pity laugh, but I don't need it. I thought it was funny because it made no sense. Thank you guys. Aw, guys. Woman's Day. It's my fucking

day. It's a day for women. I mean, can you claim it for you? I thought it was all women. It's all women. It is of my people's day. It sounds like you're being a little catty right now. It sounds like you're being, like taking this and making it your thing and it's supposed to be for all of us.

I've got red on. It didn't work. You know like every office was just like a drunken party because no women were there. By the way, I work in an office with mostly women. They were all there. Even the ones that are like

one was going to a march afterwards but they were all there. Yeah you gotta go to work. Yeah everybody has to go to work. I didn't even hear about people not going to work until today when it was like. Yeah I heard about it like on Twitter yeah on Twitter when everyone's doing the thing. I saw like two or three unemployed women say that they were striking from being

still unemployed. Chronically unemployed people. And I happen to be off work today so I decided to say that I chose to take off work today. See, I was going to ask you that, but I didn't want to put you on the spot. Put me on the spot. You know. Were you scheduled for work today? No.

But I chose not to go in. A choice. I could have gone in anyway. You said hi to people. Just to see what was going on when I wasn't at work and I didn't. I chose to not to take care of myself today.

So, I did laundry. Okay. Wait, that doesn't sound like a good woman's day, babe. That's not a good woman's day.

Say it! Well, now I'm getting indescribably drunk. What did you do after that? Make a sandwich? You heal? Oh my God, what have after that? Make a sandwich? You heal? Oh, my God.

What have I done? Who am I? What do they call them in a strike when they do that? Scab. Scab. Don't call me that. You can't pick me off. I go stay on you forever.

You better go get an abortion after this, or you're not a true woman's day woman. You scrape whatever's inside of there. Just get it out. You don't get an abortion after this or you're not a true woman today, woman. You scrape whatever's inside of there. Just get it out. You don't need an abortion. How many times can I tell you? I'm just here for my monthly gutting. Yeah, I'll just shove something up inside of me. Every woman who comes in here today trying to get an abortion, they don't need no abortion.

Get it out. So where is your doctor from? You don't need no abortion. Get it out. Cool. So where is your doctor from? I'm from Rosgenash. I think he's banned at this point, so I can go to him. Another news story. I love the news. Texan Eleodoro Estala is facing an indecent exposure charge

after a neighbor reported witnessing the naked 32-year-old having sex with a fence that separates their Austin property. Oh, maybe he thought a dog was there. So many people horny for dogs. I think it's just been like a nice week and so more people are outside or something. I mean, I've seen like a giraffe, I've seen like a giraffe before. I'm like, all right. But like a dog? You'd fuck a giraffe?

No. They're too big. How'd you get your dick up there? I didn't say that. You said you saw a giraffe. I said, all right. I said, all right. But you know, I'm just dogs.

So we got two dog fuckers, a fence fucker, and a werewolf that killed his vampire mother. Yeah. It's a great weeker, and a werewolf that killed his vampire mother. Yeah. It's a great week. Is that indecent exposure? It's inside of something technically. Not on the other side. Not on the other side. It was a chain link fence.

Why would you fuck a chain link fence? Well, let me go through the whole act here. According to an arrest affidavit. First you take it out. It escalates uh diana vasquez first spotted estella urinating on the fence around 11 25 a.m on wednesday when estella realized that vasquez was recording him with her cell phone he allegedly took off his clothes and after disrobing estella put his mouth inside the chain link fence and stuck his tongue out, moving it up and down, demonstrating a sexual act of cunnilingus. La, la, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Same hole as he was putting his dick in? Well, he first started this. First he was pissing on the fence. Then he took his clothes off. Then he started making like he was giving cunnilingus to the fence. took his clothes off, then he started making like he was giving cunnilingus to the fence.

Then he allegedly proceeded to stick his erected penis into the chain link fence and then began to have sex through the fence. Vasquez, who remarked that Astalla apparently thought the fence was a female, showed police photos and videos

of Astalla getting intimate with the inanimate object. If he would have done this at the border, it would have been a political statement. Yeah. Unfortunately, he did it in his backyard. Yeah. His backyard in Austin.

What do you think the drug was? PCP? He was just drunk. Yeah? Yeah. Wasted 1130 on a Wednesday. Damn. Damn.

1130 AM? 1130 AM. That's like vodka, right? That's how they're from. Yeah, the guys who wake up early and drink, it's usually vodka. Yeah, they drink vodka. Vodka or gin. I used to have this dude

who would come pick me up for Hooters, and we worked there. It wasn't just going there for breakfast. Oh, you weren't just having your regular Hooters outing with the drunk man that lives down the street? Well, he was always hammered. He would always try to get me to drink vodka and play Madden with him at 8 o'clock in the morning.

Jesus. God, it's bizarre. It's so crazy. Like, 40 seconds. Vodka? Early? me to drink vodka and play Madden with him at 8 o'clock in the morning. Jesus. God. It's bizarre. It's so crazy. Like, 40 seconds. Vodka? Early? And I was in college.

I was, like, ready to go, and I still thought it was a bad idea. Oh, a terrible idea. You know, it's very fascinating, because, like, weed, go for it. You just woke up, you know, it's your day off, smoke a little weed, you know, whatever time it is. I mean, it's still a little weird, because, like, little weird because I like to get a little bit done before I go into the ozone layer. But getting hammered early is just, like in the a.m. early is just so bizarre to me. It just confounds me.

Jackie, how early do you start drinking? It depends. On a good day. Honestly, usually I wait until the sun goes down. I'm fine. But it's like you're on vacation, you're camping. Vacation, go camp. But like, when you're camping especially,

the second that sun crests up, you are drinking again. I would say, after lunch, I'll start drinking again. But also, on vacation, you kind of laugh about it. You're like, let's fucking do bloody, you know, let's get a blood marrow, suicide's vacation.

And then you take a nap, you know, in the middle of the day. Oh, my God. I had one. I think the only time I had a true blue drinking binge was we got this weird deal. It was like 500 bucks a person for like a cruise to the Bahamas, a stay at this resort for like the week. A ghost opened a drawer in the studio just now. I'm sorry, I got really, really scared. This drawer is faulty, it does it all the time.

No, no, it does it all the time. A ghost just opened it. A ghost just opened a drawer just now, and that is fine. We're gonna move past it. And we got three, like, buffet meals, three a day, and unlimited drinks at the hotel bar. And it was right on the beach.

There was no reason to go anywhere else but stay at this hotel. And there was even a bar. There were multiple bars. There was even a bar on the beach. So we are getting, I would wake up and drink. Why are we not doing that right now? It was great. It's expensive now.

I feel like this was back in college. This is literally the only time where I woke up, started drinking. I took like two naps a day. And by naps, I mean like full sleeps. Pass out. Like seven, six hours. Yeah. And wake up and just be like whatever time of night and just start drinking again. Situations like that

sometimes you gotta take a shap. That's when you shit yourself during a nap? Yeah. I wouldn't be surprised if one of us did it. Oh man, I have never been that, like just drunk a hundred% of the time every single day. It was wild. And I don't think I could. I couldn't.

I couldn't. I don't have the energy to hold that up. Maybe we should try and find our youth, guys. I think this is something that we're missing out on. By find our youth, you mean go on a week-long drinking binge? At least a week. Yeah, just to, like, see. Just to see how it goes. I mean, you're going on a week-long drinking binge? At least a week. Yeah, just to like see. Just to see how it goes. I mean, you're going to be a husband soon

and I think this is the time now to really just do a solid week binge. Where should we do it? Right here. I mean, come on. Yeah, no, we're going to record the entire thing. Oh, you mean this room? Yeah, in this room. Oh, come on.

In this room. We're going to sleep in here. We're God. In this room. In this room? We're going to sleep in here. We're going to drink in here. So we're going to sit in here and just drink in a basement for a week? Well, one of the days we'll do mushrooms. Yeah, and then we'll go to a beach. Oh, man.

Can we do whippets? Yeah. Absolutely. Let's really find our youth. Oh, I miss that, actually. We'll get some salvia. We used to go to the Walmart and get a bunch of whipped cream cans. Actually, no, Harris Teeter.

Get a bunch of whipped cream cans on a Friday night because we couldn't get beer. Man, I remember those times. End dust. I did end dust when I was a kid. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you talking about my computer cleaner? Yeah. No, dude.

You went walking on sunshine? You were walking on sunshine. I did it for a little while. I'm walking on sunshine. I've seen that YouTube video I don't know how many times. It's always good. If you haven't seen it, Intervention, Walking on Sunshine, and you'll find it. Just look it up on YouTube and do something.

It's definitely the most regretful thing I've ever done. I bet. How many times did your voice get all deep? Oh, yeah. I got deep. Yeah, sometimes it can freeze your lip. This is a mess. It's the opposite of helium.

There's a new one that just came out, like, a new, like, video. And, like, I just saw it on Facebook today. Guy in his truck? A guy in his truck doing it. Yep. I've seen that video. And watching him do it, I was just like, why are you doing this? And, like, he just kept doing it.

He was like, and then he just, and then all of a sudden his whole body. Like, he lost control of his whole body. He's like, dude, man man that don't look like fun He's literally hanging on the open door of his truck Like trying to get his Birkenstocks Sandal off the ground It's very interesting I remember when I was younger in high school You remember that one house of the kids in your high school

That just like no parents lived at for some reason It was just kind of a drug house And no one went to school you'd go there Once a week you'd get raided by the cops And everyone would get arrested for truancy. One time in high school, the people who lived in that house robbed a hospital and stole two giant tanks of nitrous and had a nitrous party. And I can't believe no one died.

Yeah. Wow. It was just like- You can overdose on that shit so easy. Tall tanks like this. And we had those giant- We were using those giant balls that you like, you know, there's a rubber band on it, and you kind of bounce it up from your, yeah, boom, boom, boom. Yeah, I love those things.

Yeah, we were using those. Weren't you with us after that black, was it Black Keys? Yeah, and they were selling them in the street. It was crazy. It was at Terminal 5, and there was a dude on like every corner, street corner outside of Terminal 5, right after the show, Everyone floods out, and everyone just has a balloon and is running down the street losing their fucking heads. You'll get that at Ween, Marcus.

Same with Ween. Those fucking balloons and everything. Have a party. And it was crazy. And these guys have these tanks, and the cops are literally chasing them down the street, and they're just running. As soon as cops start coming, they just book it for another block.

Yeah, one of them gets nabbed, and there's four of them and it's like worth it to them somehow it's crazy it's still like the worst thing ever it's like i was with a friend of mine who was who was the worst drunk of all time and since all these people had all these balloons she had a cigarette and she's like she's like i'm gonna pop their balloons it's like please don't do that and so she went she started popping all their balloons with a cigarette. Giant flames? And like flames would go up and people were so angry that she did it. And I was just like, I don't know her. But they were so fucked up they couldn't chase her? They couldn't do anything about it.

But at the same time I was like, please stop doing this. Please stop doing this. Please stop doing this. And that was one way to end the night. And it was, that was one way to end the night. I did one, one time I bought, I bought one from, after a Trey Anastasio solo show. I got one. And it was fun because I took it, like the cops were like, you can't do that.

So I just took it anyway and like nothing happened. And then he like started chasing the guy down the street and they did that. And they were like, everyone would like follow him. And we were like, oh, and they follow the guys. And they keep keep selling the balloons behind the cops while they were arresting a different guy. It was total chaos. You've got to kind of enjoy it. All right, it's time for a segment from Roman Daly. Oh, wow.

And it's a surprise segment, a mystery box segment. Are you guys ready? Ed, you're going to love this. Ed-themed segment, the new King Kong movie's coming out. Yeah. What's your plot? What's your fucking plot? What do you want King Kong movie's coming out. What's your plot? What's your fucking plot? What do you want King Kong to be?

You go into the movie theater. This is what you want to see. Alright? I will start off as everyone knows this is a prequel to the King Kong story just to give Jackie and Ed already knows this but to give Jackie who's looking at me very concerned right now. very scared.

She has no idea what to do right now. I can't wait to hear her idea because it's going to be some kind of desperate cry for an idea. You can literally just the, you know, straight up weekend at Bernie's, but just with a giant monkey on an island. That's all you have to do, Jackie, if you really want to. giant monkey on an island. That's all you have to do, Jackie, if you really want to. So for me, I'm going to say, all right, the explorers get to the island, right? Of course, first there's like a battle with the natives, right? There's like a whole little thing and then they befriend and they're like, you need to learn about the monkey, you know? And they're like, the monkey? We've seen monkeys. We've seen fucking monkeys before. We've seen a

million monkeys. I've seen big monkeys, tiny monkeys love i you know we know monkeys you know they're like you haven't seen this monkey baby you know what i'm saying i'm like okay they speak good english they speak good english right that's the thing they're like that's the thing and they're like why do they have the knowledge they they at first they're like oh they're they're just these savage people, right? They don't know how to be. They don't live in fancy homes. They don't have nice shoes. But then one guy walks into one of the tribal members' huts, thatched huts,

and sees a nice pair of blue suede shoes, right? Yeah. He's like, why have they got blue suede shoes? Weird. Is that what I think it is? What is that? So then they're like going, they're like, all right, fine.

Let me see this monkey, right? And they can hear like a little guitar like in the distance. You know? I'm like, what the hell is going on, right? So they go on and there's this big, it's like a, it's like a, it's like theater Dionysus, right? A bunch of on and then it's this big, it's like a, it's like a, it's like theater Dionysus,

right? A bunch of seats like sit down. The whole, everyone sits around this thing and then like the drums start going and stuff

and out walks Elvis Monkley. A giant. He fucking slays. He's just doing, he does fucking nothing but a hound dog. He does,

but it's nothing but a hound monkey. That's great. I was listening to nothing but a hound dog. He does, but it's nothing but a hound monkey. That's great. I was listening to all of us right before I came here. Oh yeah, suspicious monkeys. He does all of them.

They are all suspicious. Everybody's just ripping and rocking, right? I love you because you're a monkey. I love you because you're a monkey. Me fun monkey.

You sad man. Jailhouse monkey. Jailhouse monkey. All of it. He plays every single one. They're like, long sad man. Jailhouse Monkey. Jailhouse Monkey. All of it. He plays every single one. Long Monkey coming. Peanut butter banana sandwiches. Peanut butter banana sandwiches.

They throwin' him at him to get him to play more songs. Night Monkey. Night Monkey. He teaches them how to play music, right? The problem with this music, though, is it's so potent and powerful that it will make most other civilized humans' heads explode when they hear it. Like, literally, their brains

blast out of their head. They don't know this. They go back to civilization. They start playing the fucking monkey music that the Elvis monkey taught them. People's heads explode. They're like, wait a second, I want my money back. They gave him a bunch of money, so they go back and they try to fight Elvis monkey.

Guitar, you know, essentially double went down to Georgia. Scenario plays out. Monkey wins. It's pretty cool. Yeah. I like that. It's pretty great. It's a fun movie. It's a fun monkey movie. What's it called? It's called Ain't Nothing But A Monkey.

Oh, okay. All right. Tough one to beat. All right. All right. Woo, tough on the beat. All right, so they're going to Skull Island. You know, like Skull Island. Sorry, I got a cough. I can't get rid of it. Sounds like nerves.

Sounds like early nerves. Skull Island's filled with giant animals, and it turns out when they get there, they think they're going to have to fight and capture them. Turns out King Kong just owns and operates a sizzler for all the other animals. Do the waitresses have like big

breasts and they're like wearing tight shirts? They're like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. It's like this weird sand creatures work there. Plus, you know, those are all your customers. You know, so there's lots of big monkeys and then all the natives, you know, they work in a kitchen. And, you know, those are also your customers. You know, so there's lots of big monkeys. And then all the natives, you know, they work in a kitchen.

Yeah. And, you know, it's just like a fun time sizzling. They show up and they're like, ah, you know, he's like 899, all you can eat. And they eat and they leave. All right. Not much conflict. Not much conflict. Monkey sizzler.

It's kind of like a big night or Dazed and Confused. It's the kind of movie where there's not heavy conflict. It's just a good times hang. I've actually got an idea for this one. What's up? All right, so you've got King Kong in a football stadium. And in each end zone, there are two gigantic buttons. One button sends a nuclear payload to Moscow.

The other button lets the monkey out of the stadium. And you've got to convince the monkey to go to the right button. Otherwise, the entire world ends in a nuclear holocaust. Wow. I mean, I think I'd rather let him bomb Russia than get out of the stadium. See, that's whole thing, man. I mean, what do you do? Because if you let the monkey out of the stadium, then he's going to destroy an American. He's going to ruin Pittsburgh.

He's going to ruin Pittsburgh. But if he hits Moscow with the nuclear weapon, then it could trigger World War III. Oh, yeah. What do you do? Unless he hits them with enough nukes where they can't even respond. Now you're into Dr. Strangelove therapy. That's a great... And that's another thing. Yeah, do you go all in?

Do you say like, okay, we're going to let him push the Moscow button, but we're going to send all of our nuclear weapons along with it to wipe Russia out completely? I would say if you're going to send one, you might as well send 12. I mean, that's what General Ripper said. This could be a historic episode as Marcus may end up winning this because he has thrown an idea in and he is allowed, therefore,

to vote for himself. Jackie? So this is a prequel, correct? First of all, you're supposed to say, Jackie? That's my name! I gotta get you on this. Well, this isn't a podcast for it. When I'm on page seven, I'm on it like white-owned rice.

I get it. I get it. So this is a prequel, though. That's my name. Hakuna? My fucking. All right, let's rock. All right, now I'm trained.

Now we're ready. Now we're ready. So basically, Brie Larson in this movie is me. So when she comes, like, so Kong is on this island, and they don't know why he's there and what's kept him there, but in reality, it is the love of his life that is underneath the ground that they can't get to come out, that has become, that has hibernated, has become dormant.

Lava? It is the squirty bird. Oh! It is a huge, huge bird with a gaping vagina that is the love of his life. Wow. That he followed there and is waiting for her to be

rebirthed as in the phoenix. As of the phoenix! Where does she, she lives under the lake? No, she's underneath. Is that mean, is Jean Grey involved? No. Okay. There's no, was that mind reading?

That's X-Men, that's X-Saga. Yes, I know, I got that one. X-Men mutant. No, Brie Larson, she doesn't realize that she is the one that is the carrier of the hope, of the light, of the squirty bird. Is Rogue in it? I do love Rogue. Okay.

Yeah, you know what? Rogue's in it, too. Yeah. All right. She's a great person to fight Kong. So you can't, yeah. So she can't touch Kong, but when she does touch Kong, that's going to be a whole battle between her and Squirty Bird

because Rogue is actually also in love with Kong. So when Squirty Bird is unearthed, Rogue touches Kong, takes his might, and they have an epic battle between them over the glove of Kong. So you're saying that it is King Kong, a gigantic

monkey, fighting a bird with a huge vagina? Who loves him. It's a fight of love. It's a fight of passion because they know that they both can't exist at the same time even though they will love each other to the death.

So when Brie Larson shows up, it unearths her and they have to figure out a way that like, even though Kong is just battled with the fact that he loves her so much but he knows that she must be destroyed. So Rogue touches him, takes his power, and does it for him.

So Brie Larson's not Rogue. No, Brie Larson is... Can Brie Larson be her character from Room? Yes. So she's too scared. So she's on the island. She's like, is it Room? And she's waiting to be sexually assaulted again.

Hello, rock. She's hiding. Hello, cave. So once again, she's in the cave with John C. Reilly, but John C. Reilly is a nice version of her capture. And not going to hurt you like the man did. Yes, but she doesn't believe that. Right.

But she doesn't understand that all this stuff is happening because she's there. Actually, he should play the grown-up version of the boy from Room. John C. Reilly. Okay, sure. Mommy, mommy, is this new Room? Because he left, and he's like, well, I want to get out of fucking Dodge, so he went out to the fucking Skull

Island just to really get out of Dodge. Meanwhile, she was cryogenically frozen. And sent to Skull Island to unearth Squirty Bird, and then Rogue and Squirty Bird will have a mammoth fight to the death. And in the end, they'll both die, and Kong realizes what's the point of life if there's nobody to love,

so I'm going to go to New York and fuck some little woman? Wow. Is that what happens? Ooh, and then it just becomes room all over again, like King Kong locks Winona Ryder inside of a room. This is one of those rare segment instances where I am absolutely in love with every idea, including my own. Wow. Elvis, King Kong.

Monkey Sizzler, go ahead, have seconds. Monkey Sizzler, have seconds. That's the sequel name. Have in seconds. Kong's the sequel name. Half and seconds. Kong versus Squirty Bird with Rogue. Yeah, well, Kong versus Kong. King Kong in Rogue versus Squirty Bird. Yeah, and I got Kong Stadium.

Yeah. We're making all of them. All right, everybody wins. Everybody wins. Wow, Chinatown Express. Spoiler alert. That's Chinatown. Is it Chinatown Express? Chinatown Express. Spoiler alert. That's Chinatown. Is it Chinatown Express?

Chinatown is a movie. No, they all murdered the Orient Express. Murder on the Orient Express. Spoiler alert, they all murdered the guy. There's been so many spoiler alerts in this show. Huge. Clue. Spoiler alert, my fucking hiney.

Listen, guys, big news. Roundtable of the Year nominations just came out this week. Oh, they did? I'm very excited. Fine. At the end of the show? Yeah, you know, if you stuck around, you get to hear it. Nominees this year are, drumroll.

No. Bing, bing, bing. Is it me? Roundtable of the Year nominations. We're not going to find out for a couple weeks. I know, but am I nominated? First nomination is Michael Che. Not fair.

Second nomination, Marcus Parks. Oh, wow. First nomination. That is amazing. First nomination for a round. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing.

That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing.

That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing.

That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing.

That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing.

That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing.

That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. That is amazing. Wow. He's not even here. He's nominated, though. Jackie Zebrowski. Second nomination? She won last year.

Oh, you did win last year. She's the only one that's won. That's right. First time this has ever happened. Are you kidding me? Together nominated Andrew Short and Reed Fahler. Tandem nomination. Wow.

So no husband. I can't. I agree with you. Many people have called for my winning this year. I wasn't nominated either. I know. I can't believe it. This is the first time I wasn't nominated.

I will bow out. I will give my bow out speech. I know. I can't believe it. This is the first time I wasn't nominated. I will bow out. I will give my bow out speech. I mean, what is it? Boo, boo, bye, bye. It's a good bow out speech. That's it. I thought this was your year. Yeah.

I was excited, too, because I was going to have a Native American come in and accept the award for me. Yeah, if you can find one. Oh, my God. We killed them all. Because we killed them all. Because we killed them all. They are hard to find. Yeah, if you can find one. Oh, my God. Because we killed them all. Because we killed them all.

They are hard to find. All right, well, expect we'll be announcing the winner in a couple weeks. Thanks for all your votes. I really appreciate it. There was a lot of counting this year. And, you know, I always say that it's an honor just to be nominated, but I'm not this year. And I guess I will take that as a, you know, critique. It's an honor just to be nominated.

There you go. That's been Roundtable Gentlemen. Yeah. Hell yeah. You guys all goodbye. Holdenatorshow on Twitch. Holdenatorshow, yeah. Eddie Toons on underscore on Twitter.

I feel like I've been blacked out for this whole episode. Hell yeah, man. Eddie Bravo on Cartoon Network. That's right. You can watch that. Go see Kong with us. Come see, man. Eddie Bravo on Cartoon Network. That's right. You can watch that. Go see Kong with us. Come see with us. Yeah.

Friday night at Battery Park. If you live in New York, let's all go. All right. Goodbye. For more shows like the one you just

listened to, go to CaveComedyRadio.com.