The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 321: The Biggest Event In Roung Table History

Episode Date: March 17, 2017

The gang listens to Holden's ultra-romantic engagement story and tales of his freestyle walking days, and learns about a teacher to drank too much boxed wine during class.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Everyone, please close your eyes. Oh, you have to pray.

Everyone, please close your eyes. Ben, do not speak another word. Time. Ben, no words will be spoken by you during my guided meditation. Everyone, please close your eyes. Do not speak. Ben, you're looking at your phone instead of closing your eyes and getting into this guided meditation. I'm going to make

a noise until you do what I ask. I thought it was not to speak. I've cut his mic. Thank God. Are we ready to behave now? Okay, now you're back on. My eyes are closed. Everybody, please close your eyes.

Ben knows speaking. Time for a guided meditation without the nuisance of Ben's talking. What is going on with you? How are you doing? Hold on. I'm good, Ed. What, Ed can talk? Thank you, Ed.

I'm excited for the guided meditation. Me too. I can't wait to know what it is because I don't know what it is either. Close your eyes. Begin. Feel your breath. Breathe in. Breathe in. Jackie. Feel your breath. Breathe in. Breathe in.

Jackie, feel the air. Fill your breasts and then release the air from your breasts. It's only in my breasts. Is that a problem? There should be milk in there, but there is only air. I'm pregnant. Jackie, please breathe it out. Do you feel any lumps?

No, I have no lumps, but I think there's a baby inside of me. Oh, my God. There's one baby for each one of her breasts, and you have closed your eyes. It is a guided meditation. Ben's eyes are open, and he has been speaking. I didn't say anything. You are feeling great. You don't know why.

You need to go to the bathroom and find out. You look in the mirror. You have big red lipstick on your lips. Your skin is green. You are the sexy lady gremlin in the gremlin film franchise. You are rocking it.

You go out onto the dance floor. Hey, everybody. Time for a dance contest. You hear the DJ speak. You can't wait to show them your moves. You get on that dance floor and you gremlin it up, you naughty, filthy gremlin. Oh, no, the cops are here.

You jump out a window. Ed, don't be too afraid. Ed, remember, always remember you were also partially in the room with the roundtable of gentlemen, safe with us, but you were also a lady gremlin running from the police, gunshots right by your big, large green ears. You crazy man. Right by your big, large green ears. You crazy man. And then they stop you and they turn you around and they say, hey, you can get out of this, but you got to do one thing for me.

Open your legs. No. That's filthy. That's bad. Recite the U.S. Constitution. You do it. What? You do it. Yes, you do it.

You do the whole thing. I don't know. It comes out of you. It's unbelievable what happens then. It's uncanny, all right? And you're dumb and stupid, Ed, you idiot, moron, stupid. Why are you yelling at Ed now? Now you're just yelling at him.

Open your eyes. You're not the Routes Ambulance. I don't know. I'm an idiot because you can't figure out what to say next? That wasn't a meditation. I don't feel peaceful. Strictly, you're the idiot. I'm just saying what comes out.

Alright, well this is the round table of gentlemen. I actually went with you on that one. Yeah, that was actually a nice thing and then you were just mean to Ed. I'm sorry. Ed, I apologize. Whatever. Kind of mean spirited there. Alright, Jackie, you're here. Yeah, I'm here. I just wish I could lactate right now.

Why? It's true. No, baby, only lactation because milk is expensive. You get the milk. Man, I just want to pump and pump and drink and drink. Doesn't breast milk taste weird, though? Ben, you've drank breast milk, haven't you? Sugary.

Is it sugary? Yeah. It's very sweet. Yeah, it has to sustain the entire sugar palates of a child. The mom in the room is vigorously nodding her head right now. Absolutely. Yeah, we're joined by a family that they're watching us today, which is very exciting.

And who do we have with us here listening? Creighton. Creighton. Like the university. Creighton's our number one, though. He's our number one fan. What are your ages? Creighton, Creighton. Like the university. Creighton's our number one, though. What are your ages? Creighton, come to the... You know what? Kevin's out here

sitting in for Kevin. I am scared about it. He's a 17 year old. Nothing could go wrong. Do we have proxy? I don't have a microphone set up for him. Aren't there forms that have to be filled out in this scenario? Shouldn't we be arrested by the mine police?

No, we got like a wink. Hello, yeah, no problem. The mother approves. We're fine. The mother approves. I think it's okay. I will not hit on your children. You came from Indiana.

Oh, my goodness. Yeah, that's fine. Creighton, what's your life like? You're 17 years old. How's your hell? Talk into the microphone. My hell is beautiful. It's filled with fucking hunting rifles and deer skulls in the front of pickup trucks.

Oh, yeah. Cool. So we will just. You're in the Marcus. Yeah, dude, that was my childhood. Sounds like Dylan Klebold. Well, that's fine. Good for you.

So you hunt a lot there in Indiana? No, no, no, no. I'm deathly afraid of killing large game. Yeah, that makes it much more horrifying that he's got a bunch of guns. He's around me. I don't own them. Oh, I see. He doesn't own them.

All right. Great. What's the largest animal you would consider murdering? You're 17. Does Holden count? Yes, he does. I love that answer. No, you got to start bringing in the women.

He's like, no, I'm going to start slaying puss. I know your mother's here. No. That's what you're slaying right now. You're 17. I'm in a committed relationship, Jackie. You are? Yes.

How long? One year in February. Give it up. That is one 17th of your life. It's March. It was One year in February. Give it up. That is one 17th of your life. It's March. It was one year in February. Oh, my God. You've got to, well,

two of the different colleges. Can I give you a relationship? That's a committed relationship at 17. I didn't kiss a girl until I was 38, and I'm only 35. Relationship tip for Creighton. If she ever gets upset

with you, propose, propose, propose. She will not ever be angry with you. Right. She becomes so happy.

I've never seen, I've never seen the woman I would be happier and then you know what happens? Oh, I'm mad at you again. Here's this dumb wedding and then she won't be mad at you again for another year. And then if she gets mad at you again next year, you go, oh, you're mad at you again. Here's this dumb wedding. And then she won't be mad at you again for another year.

And then if she gets mad at you again next year, you go, oh, you're mad at me again? Okay, put the baby. And then she has a baby. And then she's mad at the baby. And you get off scot-fucking-free. That's what you need. You need a baby.

Good advice. Never impregnate this woman. And if you do it, the sooner the better. It locks her in biologically. Yeah, she'll have to talk to you as long as that other child's alive. It locks him in as well, you understand, though. Then he has to constantly go back to her and they don't like each other. He leaves.

Have you every great rap album you've ever heard? There's a song about the father leaving. If you don't leave, he won't amount to anything. So you must leave the child. The father must leave the child for the child to become a great artist. And then name it Sue as well. There you go. Johnny Cash.

Yes. But you just got engaged. Freshly engaged. And I missed it. I was not here for the episodes when Holding got engaged. And I would love to hear a little bit of the back story. How did it go? I put a ring on a snake and I would love to hear a little bit of the back story. How did it go? I put a ring on a snake

and I threw it at her. Did it slither up inside of her or did it give through the ring? It got lost in her dress. We found it. After a couple of showers she said yes. But your girlfriend hates snakes.

Every time she is angry with me I say look at your hand. Look at your hand. Oh, God. You are fucking garbage. Yeah. Wait. So the engagement is going well.

Are you going to ask this girl to marry you? I'm 17, Jackie. I don't know. Thank God for that answer. Do it right here, right now. Babies having babies. Babies having babies. What's Melanie's name?

It's Emily. Oh, you were close. I mean, Melania. That's all of our wives. When I was 17, I dated a girl named Emily. Lost my virginity to her. No kidding. Did she find it?

That is classic. Kissel, the joke man. Back on it. So quick. Oh, it. So quick. Oh, wow. Yeah. So quick. Wow.

You and Emily. Creighton and Emily, I can just see it now. The Brunt family. Is your last name Brunt? King. Okay. King. Ooh, that's a good name to get, though, I got to tell you.

I can't even imagine. 17 years old, I was too fat to find my penis and certainly too fat to date. But I did try to propose to every girl I saw. Not like Creighton or King Ding-a-ling. I know. I asked a girl in freshman year, I asked a girl to the

homecoming dance, she said no, and then felt bad, and later that day, she said yes. That's really sad. How'd that date go? We pretended fun existed. Good for you. Well, I'll tell you guys something. I'm Ed Larson.

That's right. We haven't even gotten to that part yet. Burp, burp, burp, burp, burp. Now, Eddie, you've been here. You've been here. Last two weeks. I haven't been here. I know, I know. I've been picking up the slack. What did I miss? We went hostless one week.

It was amazing. Those are good things. Greatest show I've ever done. And then I took over the second week because Marcus couldn't handle us doing it again. Yeah, Marcus didn't want us to do it. We said, let us go hostless again. He started crying. We said, why are you crying?

You're a professional that runs a professional podcast network. We could not hear him from his blubbering. We could not make out what he was saying. He just cried and cried and cried. He just didn't want us to have any fun. Well, sometimes when you guys have fun, well, I'm needed. I was so sad to be away from Ben. I've been hiding in his closet watching him sleep.

Oh. Yeah. I like that, actually. I have no problem with that whatsoever. Well, congratulations on your proposal, Holden. I'm happy she said yes. Yes. She totally said yes.

Will I be in the wedding? What would you have done if she said no? If she prepped you that she was going to say yes and you guys went through? We talked about it. I made sure. She would have just been like, ah. Because you know what I like to do? We've talked about the public freakouts videos, but I love watching public failed proposal videos.

Nothing is better on the planet. But a lot of those are fake now. A lot of those are fake. A lot of those are fake. A lot of those are fake. Oh, and there was one recently from a baseball game where the guy, he was shaking so much, the ring flew out of the thing. I see that.

And so it was so embarrassing. So it was supposed to be this proposal in front of everybody, and everyone's so much, the ring flew out of the thing. I've seen that. And so it was so embarrassing. So it was supposed to be this proposal in front of everybody, and everyone's just looking for this ring. And then this baseball game's just happening while all these people are looking. And he did finally find the ring, but unbelievable. What a loser. What a loser. Why would you ever want to say yes to that?

It's not cute. It's not a cute story to tell. Well, how did it go? I'm sure. Did you talk about it already? Okay, if you really want to know, it has a lot to do. Marcus's not cute. It's not a cute story to tell the kids. Did you talk about it already? If you really want to know, it has a lot to do with it. How did you propose to Lexi,

the woman who was far too good for you? It has everything to do with two people in this room, Ed and Jackie, and so little to do with me in terms of actually putting it together. It is true. You really had not a whole lot to do with it. I left the apartment. I took her to a French restaurant.

When I was at the bathroom, she texted her sister. She said, I don't think he's going to do it tonight. I don't know why. Why was she preparing for it? She thought I was going to do it at this French restaurant. Because recently I went home. I'm asking her

for her ring size and everything. She knows. She knows what's going on. You asked your, I think you were supposed to ask around for the ring size. Right. I just point blank asked her. She put a Pinterest page together. Really?

Rings. You're not supposed to ask her. You should have just tried to put different like. Creighton, just so you know, you never ask a girl what her ring size is. How do you get it though? You put small lug nuts on it until one fits. No, you ask a mother. You're like,

I'm working on the car. Can you hold the lug nut? You measure her hands. You start by saying, my new thing is I can't go to sleep. I can't sleep through the night without pissing myself

unless I'm holding your hand. Okay? That's the first thing you do. And you do that for like a year, right? So that you get used to still holding your hand. Then, after a year Right So that you get used To still holding your hand Then after a year Of doing that

You finally Because she'll start To get used to Because you're always Kind of shake her hand A little bit more each night And see if she can Sleep through it

And once she Once you can flip Flip the hand up like that And she doesn't wake up You know you're good Right You dress up like Spider-Man

Optional So you don't drug her It's a year long drug Of just comfortability You dress up like Spider-Man, optional. So you don't drug her. It's a year-long drug of just comfortability? You dress up like Spider-Man, which is completely optional. You grab the finger, you put the measuring tape around it, and then you're good to go. But I just asked because I didn't want to do that for a year, right? Because I'm not a fucking crazy person, okay?

But what about all the other rings in the apartment? Why don't you just grab one of those rings? She won't notice it's gone. Bring that to a ring sizer and be like, what size is this? The ring. And then get the ring. That's how you do it. And then you put that ring back. Or ask a mother. Or ask a sister. Or ask

anybody other than the girl that you're buying the ring for. I realized that because I was like, hey, what are you I was like, I need your dad and your mother's phone numbers for emergency reasons. She did not buy that. Okay, Mother Creighton, obviously you were proposed to at one point. What do you think about Holden's method here?

You got to come up. You got to come up to the microphone. Is this professional? Is this nice? The parents' contact information is super professional, actually, because you kind of have to get in, and if you ask the dad, and the dad gets to have the feeling that he gave permission, it makes everything from there on out a lot easier. Yeah.

But I always found it's not polite to ask the father for every position you want to do with his daughter sexually. Yes. Because then that's uncomfortable. You're not allowed to do that. That is uncomfortable. But the ring. So Holden actually, he got an A in your book there. For the parental consent part.

Even though it's archaic and totally paternalistic. Well, let's not get nuts with it. That's why I called both sides. That's why I called both sides. It's a courtesy. It's a courtesy. So you did a good job. I called both sides, though, because I wanted to be a modern day man.

Okay, so I took her to the franchise front. Then I took her to a jazz club, and while we were gone I gave Ed the keys, Ed and Jackie, like two little romance nymphs, went into the apartment. You guys take it from here. We filled it with hearts and shit. We did a bunch of

dumb shit in there. They put a bunch of stupid shit in there. Romance nymphs. Yeah, yeah, we put it like, we found this like glittery 69, we put it on their bed. Put nymph. Yeah, yeah. We found this glittery 69. We put it on their bed. Put it on the bed, yeah. A happy engagement banner that was like 12 feet long. Taped it to the wall.

No, that was the dumb part. So you got rid of the apartment like a toga party was about to happen. Yeah, we put in a red light bulb where the normal light bulb used to be. And just bringing up the tacky part. We did a lot of classy parts. What was the classy stuff? We did some classy stuff. The photo was the thing. We did a lot of classy parts. A lot of the classy stuff. We did some classy stuff. The photo was the thing.

We got the, I mean, yeah, printed out a photo that Ed and I went back through all of the photos. There's a photo of them kissing. It was gross. I almost got arrested when I tried to print it. He's trying to be funny. It was beautiful. And it was amazing. And it was a month after they first started dating.

And we printed it out and we put it in a frame. Next, oh my god, it was so cute. Oh my god. So, yeah. Ed was being aloof. We found some champagne. Got some champagne, yeah. You didn't buy it? No, we bought it, yeah. No, we found it in the gutter. It was nice.

It was a good bottle of rosé champagne. And a bottle of cab. champagne. We did a real... And a bottle of cab. I feel like Ed and I should be paid to do this. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It was above and beyond what I thought it was going to be.

We get home. The door opens. She's like, what? And the red light was the best touch, too. Thank you. Besides the picture. They put the red... I was scared it was going to burn your house down

because it started to smell like something was burning. Well, you never know, I guess. They put a red light in, and so we opened the door. It's like red lit. There's a trail of roses into the apartment. Rose petals and hearts. Unbelievable stuff. And balloons and pink balloons, which we still have some balloons floating around.

I do love, though, that you just sort of, like, gave the responsibility to others. I did nothing. Completely. He gave us no inclination of what he wanted. I'm glad I got to do it. He would have fucked it up. He would have fucked it up. I would have put, like, lizard slime on it or something.

What's going to happen when he has kids? You can't always be there for that. You make the kids. I ain't having my kids. He knows I'll take care of his. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Absolutely. I was take care of his. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Absolutely. I was

planning on everyone I know taking care of the children while I go. I can't wait for you guys to have kids because I'm going to use those kids in every way I can to get free pizza. I was at an audition today and I had to do the kid thing. I hate it for

commercial auditions, right? Have you never had to do an audition with a little kid? You had to act with a kid? You got a little kid? They don't make me the father. They don't put you in the room with a kid. They make me the serial killer or the garbage man. Brutal. The moving person. He's literally outside the window. I had to talk to this kid about

eating. I was like, oh, how much pizza do you eat or whatever? It was terrible. Why couldn't you relate to the kid? I mean, at some point you're going to have to have one. You're going to be the first father among us. I was such a dick to my parents. I know they're going to be a dick to me. I know. You're going to have horrible

children. Yeah, because I remember once I hit middle school. Lexi's so wonderful though. Lexi's so wonderful. She'll be great. We have to get to the end of this proposal by the way. She needs to quarantine me. She cried and said yes. No, I really want to get through the whole thing. I remember

I would just come home. Girls didn't want to kiss me at school. The football players hated me. I would come home. My dad would just be like, hey, I'm providing for you. My mom would be like, hey, I care about you and I want you to go to a good school. And I'd be like, fuck yourself. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to dress like Dracula. Yeah, I'm about you, and I want you to go to a good school, and I'd be like, fuck yourself.

You know what I'm saying? I'm going to dress like Dracula. Yeah, I'm going to dress like fucking Dracula and play Metal Gear Solid for the next eight hours. They were like, don't do that. Creighton, what do you identify as? 100% Holden. Thank you very much.

Yikes! No, don't say that! Just not Metal Gear Solid like other shit. Maybe Resident Evil 7. Overwatch. Yeah. Overwatch. It's such a good game.

I play it all the time. But you understand that you're wrong because you're 17 and Holden's in his 30s. Your mother is probably right about you being totally obnoxious. Yes. Yeah, 100%. There you go. There you go. So the proposal. So we get in. She's crying, There you go. There you go. There you go. So the proposal.

So we get in. She's crying, crying, crying. I propose. I put the ring. It happened very fast. It was happy crying. It happened very fast. I'm pretty sure it was happy crying, but it happened very quickly.

I was just really upset because Lexi has such small fingers, and I did, of course, try the ring on while I was setting up the proposal pad. Oh, man, I wish it would have got stuck. It didn't fit my finger. Well, Lexi is very petite. It is a little big. The ring is a little big. Which is ridiculous.

I mean, I have fairly thin fingers, and I tried. She has to get it resized? She's going to have to get it. It was a little big. Is it because you didn't figure out what ring size she needed? I got her exact measurements from her. Second of all, what else am I going to say? Why didn't you just grab a ring she wears on that finger?

She wears a five and a half. That is tiny. Is that small? It seems big to me. Mom knows it's tiny. That's small? I wear a seven, and that is even tiny in regular. Zebrowski, yeah.

I call her tiny hands. Don't. That's strange. So, Ben, when do you plan to propose, and can I tell you how much of a nightmare the expense of a ring is? No, you can't because you didn't pay for it. Yes, I did. You bought the ring?

Maybe not. Yeah, you did the family heirloom thing, which is just the cheapest way to do it. I mean, thank God. By the way, I want this to be respectful. I hope so, because you have found a woman far superior to you. I hope she knows that. Oh, man.

He may not have paid for the ring, but as someone that is a part of the wedding party, man, are you going to pay for that wedding. Oh, my God. Oh, yes. It's going to be a nightmare. Pinterest boards are alive. Yes, I'm already. I love it.

So right now on Twitch, Lexi has a book of quizzes for the bride and groom. And on my Twitch streams now, I am playing Neo, which is a very difficult game. And she's asking me quiz questions while I do it. So it's very upsetting. Yeah, it's rough. You are my first friend, I think, to be actually engaged. I mean, do we know anyone else?

Well, we have Steve. Steve, yeah. Sina is engaged. Skulk, Sina. You know, I mean, honestly, Holden, my first roommate to ever be engaged. Yeah, first roommate. How has life changed?

She is so happy with me. It's so good. I am loving it. Do you feel like the new responsibility is piling on? This was brought up because, you know, Creighton was yammering about how his old lady is just giving him a hell of a time in life. That's right.

Santa, I want you to have a nightmare of this. Emily is, if that is her real name, she probably calls herself Jessica to the other boys. You know what I'm saying? Who knows? Good point, Greg. Be aware of that. Be aware of the name change, Craig.

You never know. It is going to happen at some point. New generation. It is. Like I said, solve your problems. If your lady is giving you a hard time, propose. Over. She's so nice to me.

I've never. She's so nice to me. It's been what? A week and a half? Oh, yeah. It's been over then. It's been two or three. We had so nice to me. I've never. She's so nice to me. It's been, what, a week and a half? Oh, yeah. It's been over then. It's been two or three. We had a snow day yesterday.

We were quarantined at home. So nice. I was trying to start stuff. So nice. Interesting. It's the greatest. I mean, I am in. It is.

Yeah. It is the greatest right now. But it is the stress of the wedding planning is immediate. Yeah. So fast. Getting you out a little bit? Well, what are you is the stress of the wedding planning is immediate. Immediately, yeah. So fast. Getting you a little bit? Well, what are you thinking? What's the wedding plan going to be?

I mean, we have to do a story, Marcus. I'm sorry. Eventually. This is fine. This is a big event. This is a big roundtable event. This is the biggest roundtable event of all time. This is the roundtable wedding.

What about when my frog died? Yay! The roundtable wedding! Goblin! Yeah, the frog died. It was very sad when Goblin died. The frog that I hid in the freezer for two weeks. This is slightly bigger than your Pac-Man frog dying.

It was sad when he died. What was the name of the Pac-Man frog? Goblin! Goblin! You jerk! You insistent of toad! I'm just worried because I don't know if Lexi understands that my bridesmaid dress has to have a lot of padding in it from a squirty burn.

Because I'm going to be squirting, squirting, squirting. I'm going to be too happy, and I'm not going to be able to stop squirting. Actively female ejaculating during the wedding? Of course I'm so happy. I am worried about, in order to cut some costs, I'm trying to convince Lexi to just let the bridesmaids' dresses be oversized tie-dye shirts. But we'll see what happens. Yes. It should be classier. to just let the bridesmaids' dresses be oversized tie-dye shirts. But we'll see what happens. No!

Yes! It should be classier. Large tie-dye shirts with maybe like a dragon on it that says like fish rules or something like that. No, you know I hate a jam band. You know I hate a jam band. I hate jam bands. But we got stream cheese incident to play the reception.

I will pull my brains out. Yeah. And I'm still gonna squirt. Hmm. Now we can do a story. Yeah, maybe now. Please. So you do have a lot of plans and everything is going good. And did you actually set the

final date? Because that is the most important point of all of this. It looks like it's gonna be like a year from now. It'll be March or April, depending on what's cheaper when we get up when we get the space for it okay and we're still trying to figure out where it's going to be and the families have to meet and that's the night have they not met yet right now no her what do you mean your parents haven't met her ultra conservative grandmother and my

ultra liberal parents have not met yet so i'm really interested i mean there's no reason they will not get along i think they'll get along. Well, if they can't get along, then there's no reason to- They will not get along. I think they'll get along just fine. You think they'll love each other? No. Who doesn't love- You think they'll make babies? And then they make babies.

No, that's not a way to make babies. If we all had babies, my parents- Your parents are the parents from the movie Get Out. Yeah. That's what I've just said. They call me every day, and they're just like, be black. I'm like, I They call me every day, and they're just like, be black. I'm like, I can't change my race, my color.

You made me. You made me. And they're like, be black. Be Hispanic. Be of color. Can't do it. Can't do it. Maybe you're not working hard enough.

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Yeah. All right, Marcus. We can do a story. The round table wedding. Honestly, holding from the bottom of my heart. Congratulations. You better be at the right, Marcus. We can do a story. The round table wedding. Honestly, holding from the bottom of my heart. Congratulations. You better be at the wedding, Ben.

If I'm fucking invited. The last time I was at a wedding, I wasn't invited to the wedding ceremony. I had to subtweet the whole damn thing. You were invited to the goddamn wedding. You just weren't invited. You weren't invited to the party for the wedding party afterwards. Steve's wedding. Oh, Jesus. You were there. I wasn party for the wedding party afterwards. Steve's wedding. Oh, Jesus.

You were there. I wasn't there. You were there. No, you all. Oh, my God. Just get to the story. Were you at the reception at the park? Oh, yeah.

Were you at the creek afterwards? Were you there? No. You weren't at the creek afterwards? Yeah, but begrudgingly. So you were there. No, Eddie. You were fucking there.

You just said you were there twice. Begrudgingly being there is only being half there. I'm upset with what you're saying. No, she's not. Yes, she is. She agrees with that. I'm sorry. What I will say is, no, I was not invited to the party after the major reception,

and then I was invited to the Cowboys. That's because they were serving food to people, and they needed to have some for others. Ah. Oh, wow. and then I was invited to the that's cause they were serving food to people and they needed to have some for others yeah we're we're being bad and now it's being bad no in between the actual wedding and the reception that was for the

wedding party those are for people that were in the wedding what was I not in the wedding party in the wedding party we were in the wedding party will I be in your

wedding party yeah good fucking answer buddy because I will I will subtweet the hell out of that. I don't even understand how I wasn't in the wedding party. There were people I hadn't even heard of in that wedding party. Never even heard of them. Yeah, of course. People come from other people, other places, man.

Nikki is from Greece. Yeah. Big kiss, will you learn guitar and play a song at my wedding? You've heard it here first. The request has been made. I will. I can play Smoke on the Water. Okay.

No, you can't. No, I swear to fucking God. Give me a guitar right now. Give me that guitar. Give me a guitar. I will play Smoke on the Water right now. You will not. I cannot play Smoke on the Water.

You are about to be blown away. Wait, wait. When was the last time you played smoke on the water? Since my friend Paul committed suicide. This guitar cannot be in tune. You have to move the mic down. Move the mic down. Thank you, Creighton.

Ben, don't break it. No. Make Creighton do it. Oh, my God. It's like watching a child struggle with like a toy. Smoke. God damn it. All right.

Hold on. I need a pick. I don't have a pick. No, you can use your fingers. Your fingers are huge. No, no, no. I used to be able to. There's a chip.

There's a potato chip you can use. Here. Use this empty thing. That's borderline smoke on the water. It sounds slightly. Ooh, yeah, actually, there's one right behind you. Look, Ben, look. Thank you so much.

I always get picks from young children. Yeah, it's a huge pick, by the way, for the listeners at home. It works. Oh, here it is. Here it is. Nope. No, this it is. Here it is. Nope. No, this is Ender Sandman. It's Ender Sandman, everybody.

What? He can't change the sign. That's not Ender Sandman. Oh, hold on. Whoa. Wow, that is actually correct. No, don't give him that. Those first few notes were correct.

That wasn't incorrect. The first three notes of Smoke in the Water. And then you do this. Nope. That's not it. That's not it. Marcus, if you tell me the chords, I can do it. G, C, and F.

No, I don't know. You have to show me on a finger. Yeah, yeah. Do you know how to play Smoke on the Water on the guitar? I don't know how to play the guitar and not Smoke on the Water. Alright. Yeah? Can't play it. Hold on. Don't do it with your mouth.

No, that doesn't work. You can't do it with your mouth. Can you do Come As You Are? And then you do this. That's how you do it. I thought... You thought I was lying Marcus, you gonna play it? No Marcus, can you play it?

No, Marcus, play it No, Holden, you play Smoke on the Water Play it Play it It's impossible on that old Crunky machine No, no, no, no, no You're playing like

an upright bass. Well, he's more musically talented, believe it or not. He's doing it though. He's doing it. Believe it or not. I used to be able to

do, do, do. I used to be. Yeah, that's it. Something like that. I don't know. Something like that. Either way. Well, next time,

next show, I'm doing Smoke on the Water. Marcus, let's experiment with PCP. I'm sorry. It just happens when you start playing that rock and roll. Either way. Well, next show I'm doing Smoke on the Water. Marcus, let's experiment with PCP. I'm sorry. It just happens when you start playing that rock and roll. All right. Wait, so did you want him to play Smoke on the Water at your wedding?

I would like him to learn maybe some like Lilith Fair sort of something. Maybe like Wedding on the Water or- Or what's the dead sad dog song that Sarah McLachlan- In the Arms of an Angel? I'm a dead sad dog. Dead sad, sad dog. I'm a dead an Angel? I'm a dead sad dog. Dead sad sad dog. I'm a dead sad dog. Oh, I can do that.

I actually can. Sarah McLachlan classic. Dead sad dog. I won't allow you in the wedding. You don't want to get me going on satellite. I can play Dave Matthews satellite too. I can actually play it as well. And my eyes like a diamond.

The thing that I don't like is this whole situation where I have to dance with my mother. What are you talking about? I thought this was why you got married. Wait, have you met his mother? Remember when Holden's character for four years was having sex with his mother? I know, but I think that should be public. Have you met his mother? That's public.

What are you talking about? That is exceptionally public. I don't think we should be publicly... There's like 200 episodes in which you spent three quarters of those talking about how much you wanted to sleep with your mother. What I'm saying is, me and my mother, unable to keep our hands off each other, forced to keep our hands on each other in front of a giant crowd of people, it's not going to end well. In real life, he's going to be upside down

before you know it. We're just going to be going to town on each other. When I hugged Holden's mother, it was the most awkward mother hug I've ever had in my entire life. Really? Oh, yeah. She's just such a giving, wonderful woman,

and I wanted to thank her. So when I went to hug her, it was so she just didn't want the hug from me really? oh yeah no she didn't want it do you think you were an extension of the shame she felt for Holden? maybe

I think that's what it was I think she just didn't know that it was coming and I attacked her with a hug when she it's like a light switch it is off all year round right like a light switch. It is off all year round, right? Like a light switch up in that attic where you keep all the old bones and all the old puzzles and all the old tales

of yesteryear. Oh yeah. But once a year you go up, you turn that light switch on and holy mama bonanza, you are in for a treat. You will be ravaged. There will be bite marks, there will be cut marks, there will be leather strap. There will be bite marks. There will be cut marks. There will be leather strap marks.

Maybe he's right. I think he is. Yeah, it sounds like it. I feel like we should ask Creighton, how do you feel about hugging your mother? It's fine. I don't feel like Holden. I'm not in Holden's area of comfortable with it, but

we're mother and son. It's not like some sort of comfortable with it, but, I mean, we're mother and son. It's not like some sort of forbidden nuisance. Far too rational, this Creighton character. I don't trust him. I'm just surprised. At 17, I wasn't this... Yeah, I was... Oh, it was horrible.

I was just... I would have all terrible. I was... Yeah. You have a wonderful son. Why do I feel like he's good? Why do I feel. I was just... I would have all terrified. I was... Yeah. You have a wonderful son. Why do I feel like he's got a lot of work to do? Why do I feel like Ed was the exact same awesome dude that he is now? Like, I don't know.

Because you knew him then. Yeah. No, I didn't know him when he was 17. At 17? No, you didn't know me when I was 17. 18. I was fun. I was a fun-loving kid, but man, I wasn't a model citizen.

Definitely not. Hey, Eddie! I thought you were a great son! That's because I didn't tell you anything. That's what you do. That's when you know you're a model child. You lie, lie, lie to your parents. My mom once found my bong, and then she was like, what's this?

And I was like, ah, you know, you better just put that back. I knew what it was, Eddie. I just thought it was nice you were fucking something. Man, I think this is a record for how long we have gone without doing a news story. How far into this episode are we? This might be the easiest day for Marcus ever. 34 minutes. Wow.

We could do one, though. Whatever you want to do. I'm told. It's all a King Kong movie. Yeah. I guess we won't do it. It's a story about the King Kong movie. Big monkey movie's out, everybody. You gotta go check it out. Eddie's got a story about the King Kong movie. The big monkey movie. I gotta give you a fair warning.

Give you a fair warning. Not one giant banana in the whole movie. Not one? Not one. Not one giant banana. Not one turd tossed. They really missed out on a couple opportunities, but I'd still put it in my top ten monkey movies.

Yeah, I'm kind of surprised that there's no shit throwing in any of the Kong movies. Out of all the top ten monkey movies. It would be a lethal toss. But what are your first three monkey movies of all time? First three monkey movies of all time? I'm going to put Outbreak in there. Outbreak is a great monkey movie. It's a great lethal toss. But what are your first three monkey movies of all time? First three monkey movies of all time? I'm going to put Outbreak in there. Outbreak is a great monkey movie.

That's a great monkey movie. Right? Is that really a monkey movie? I think it's mostly a monkey movie. Monkey is in the top ten stars of the film. It's a great monkey movie. What's the Stephen King monkey movie? Monkey Shine.

Monkey Shine. Great monkey movie. And that's also a wheelchair movie. Yeah. True. That's also a wheelchair movie. Yeah. True. That's good for disability. You know what's a good X? What was the one?

Project X. Project X. Great Monkey movie. Yeah. Great Monkey movie. I never saw that one. Oh, it's great. They learn how to fly planes.

Yeah, it's Matthew Broderick. He's got a chimp. It's his friend. It's great. Oh, okay. I'd say my first three are probably all Planet of the Apes movies because those are so good well let's get rid of that though what do you mean get rid of that i mean that's like 10 monkey movies right there no i know but it's like okay we know planet of the apes and all those sorts of things they're so good i mean the whole thing's great except for

the tim burton one oh which one was that the one with mark walberg oh i like that one garbage monkey movie well they had some on machine guns it It was kind of fun because, like, what was your name? What was the lady monkey? Oh, I can't remember. Yeah, Tim Burton's wife. Olivia, Jackie, help me out here. Helena Bonham Carter? Helena Bonham Carter, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because then you got to think, like, what if I wanted to fuck a monkey? Well, you know, if they're half human, half monkey, you can do whatever you like. She was a hot monkey. Yeah, she was a hot monkey. That's what he made his wife in that film. Yeah. Charlton Heston kissed a monkey in one of those movies. Who did?

Charlton Heston, head of the NRA. Well, why wouldn't he? He's passed away now, I think. He's a dead corpse. He died? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yep.

I loved him in Bowling for Columbine. Every which way but loose. Sorry. No. Calling for Columbine. Every which way but loose. Sorry, no. I feel like we should ask Creighton a fast, quick question because his mom's out of the room.

What's high school like? It's very interesting. I'm very boring, though, because I don't smoke weed or drink. Cool. Thank you, Creighton. Very good. Kind of. Okay.

Yeah. All right. There you go. That's about as far as we can go with that line. Or else we will get arrested. Yeah. All right. Well, I agree.

I think that Tim Burton needs to stop using Helena Bonham Carter. I think he said they got divorced. They got divorced? They did? Yeah. I feel the same way with Rob Zombie and Sherry Moon. I love Sherry Moon. I love Rob Zombie. Yeah, but they have love Sherry Moon. I love Rob Zombie. Yeah, but they have to use each other.

I know, but find different roles. Get different roles. Yeah, make her the monster. Sure. I would love that. Put prosthetics on her. I mean, she's been the monster, but I mean, put, you know. She's fun, you know.

At some point, I think a guy just gets totally clouded, and women, I would assume, as well. Whenever love and affection comes into it, it can kind of ruin the art. Sometimes. Sometimes. Anyway, Marcus, let's do a news story. News time!

A South Carolina substitute teacher is facing a disorderly conduct charge after allegedly getting drunk in class on boxed wine she had stashed in her purse. Oh, that's awesome. Hell yeah! That's not bad. Yeah, that's not that bad.

Boxed wine's harmless. I just wish my teachers were always drunk. That's not bad. Yeah, that's not that bad. That's why it's harmless. I just wish my teachers were always drunk. That would have been fun. Cops were dispatched Friday morning to the Brooklyn Casey High School in response to a 911 call about an intoxicated individual. Upon arriving at the school around 945, a cop was told by an administrator that a substitute teacher was intoxicated while in class.

Administrators went to the classroom, and the teacher was throwing up and could not stand up. Substitute teachers get paid nothing. They have to go in and take over for a teacher for a day, and it sucks. And they'll take anybody. This was 9.45 a.m. She might have a problem with alcohol.

At that point, it's either go to sleep or keep on running. Or keep on going. She kept on riding. She was partying the night before. You got to be right. You don't do it with boxed wine, though. If you're going to keep a party going, at least just, I mean, it's so much easier to just slap some vodka in a water bottle. That's what the teacher 101 drunk teacher.

Because it's going to be all over her lips. So if you're going to be drunk all day, secretly put vodka in uh bottle of water creighton your mom's not here okay um the bottle of water with the vodka that's what the kids do yeah oh yeah is that right the kids do what are you talking about ben is that right no we used to do that's right no i was a rum and do rum and orange juice. That's right. No, I was a rum and orange juice kid. Rum and orange juice? Yeah, I did a lot of that. Yuck, that's so much sugar. I liked my sugar. We ate rum and Coke. Oh, yeah, we used to just, yeah.

We did Surge and vodka. That was the battle. Oh, yeah. That'll get you messed up. We did Kool-Aid and whiskey. Can I have my, is that right? Was that right? No, you put a clear liquor in Kool-Aid.

No, because it's interesting for Creighton if he says is that right? And then he hears that like oh, that's a special thing. But you're the one that's saying is that right? Creighton understands what's going on. I have the inside scoop. Is that right? He knows. I'm embedded with the youths. What are the youths?

He's with all the youths. Vodka is for the children. The boxed wine I can see for the... She's fine. How many people are drinking in any random class? Two to three. Yeah, that makes sense.

Two to three. I can see that. And how big are the classrooms? How big are the classrooms? 25, 30. Yep, that's about right. Two to three. And those kids are...

Do you like them or you don't like them? I tolerate them. There it is. That's my entire childhood. Thank you, do you like them or you don't like them? I tolerate them. There it is. That's my entire childhood. Thank you, Creighton, for tolerating me. And how many of those kids are on acid? There's always at least one. Yeah, just one, actually.

I was usually that one. Were you? Yeah. A great time. I mean, you know, and the drinkers and the acid heads don't necessarily get along well on the drugs, but they get along collectively with the notion of breaking rules. I did. I went to school high once, and I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown.

We used to get smashed. All of my friends, it was like a prison. Yeah, you guys were, yeah. You get busted with jails, or you get busted with booze, and the next person just brings on the booze. You lived in Wisconsin. There was nothing. Yeah, you guys were making wine in the toilet.

You had to go down to Florida. I mean, it's like we never drank before class, but man, every drug under the sun we would be on sitting in class. And you know what? Still get through the class. You know what we did? We freestyle walked, and it was invigorating. You did that? We would jump off the walls and boot scoot boogie, and you couldn't even catch us.

We were so fast fast like bunny rabbits. There was a kid I knew in high school who did that. He was a freestyle walker. I haven't heard that term, by the way, in 10, 15 years. If you want to trip, all right. Creighton, have you heard this term? It's parkour. Parkour.

Yeah, it's parkour. It's become parkour. But if you want to trip some real balls, you do some freestyle walking. They used to call it freestyle walking. They used to call it freestyle walking. Oh, I thought that was some dumb shit that he made up.

No, dude. This was a trend that certain dumb shit friends of mine... It turned into parkour. Okay. If you would like to live a life

where you feel like James Bond making out with Jessica Rabbit... Usually ends with a foot through a window. ...do some freestyle walking. They would just walk on all the lunch benches and stuff. They would just walk on all the lunch benches and stuff.

They would just walk on those and then try to walk on the wall and then walk on everywhere you're not supposed to walk. Step on a phone. I had a routine I would do too. Walking on broken glass. I would get all the girls that I had a crush on in school. I'd take them out into the back recess area. I'd play that song

and be like, get a load of this, ladies. And then I would freestyle walk all over that jungle gym. They couldn't believe how good I was at jumping up and pressing my feet against the bars. Jesus Christ. When does the show end? I knew a kid who freestyle walked, Patrick Donnelly. I just didn't know. He stole the clock off the wall and then jumped out the window in one class.

It was very interesting. That's kind of cool, actually. His father fell asleep with a cigarette in his mouth. Ooh, big mistake. Not good? Yeah, no, it did not turn out well. Died from cancer, huh? Yeah, well, quick cancer.

Huh, fire. Freestyle walking sounds like the lamest thing I've ever heard in my life. It was so popular for two years. It was the douchiest thing I ever remember, yeah. It was a bit of, it was like, doing it, though, felt like being, you know, pissed. Yeah, but you didn't do it. Matt, did you all wear soaps? Huh?

So, apparently, freestyle walking soaps was the shoe of choice for them. Yeah, it had the bars underneath them. Oh, so you can like, yeah. So you could grind. Grind on a curb. But not grind in that filthy, sexy way that the kids did at the dances, but grind for real,

like a dude living on the edge. Dancing real close. Like a dude living sick on the edge. Yeah, far too close. Dancing real close. I don't know how, but I was so, but it was hard for me to freestyle walk because my pockets were so weighed down by all the pogs in them.

That's right. I was a street pogger, and I could flick a pog so hard, I'd won all the boys' pogs. I had the OJ slammer. Yeah, you did, didn't you? Of course I did. OJ Simpson? Yeah.

He had a slammer? He had a slammer. And now he's in one. Well, yes. That's the whole thing. I had the Nicole Brown Simpson Gak No Creighton

Love my joke I did like that one That was a good one Thank you And I'm the mouthpiece Of the youth Creighton have you watched Any of the like

The new OJ things That are out All of it And then I went back And listened to your guys Last podcast episode Yeah which is fantastic Fuck yeah

Thank you very much Not guilty I broke the microphone. Alright, Marcus. It's fine. Creighton's just helping you out. Thank you, Creighton. You want to be an intern? You're in. You go to NYU.

You know when to talk. You're up on your fucking game. I'm digging this hardcore. I bet it knows what the internet is. What? We'll be a stepping stone and you'll say you wouldn't remember the podcast that I helped out. So what happened to this teacher? Did she get fired or is she still allowed to do her thing?

Huh? The teacher. Oh, the teacher. The story that won. The only story of the whole episode other than Holden's disastrous proposal. It wasn't. No, it was not. It was great.

She cried. Investigators allege that Judith Richards Gartee, 52, had a box of wine in her bag that was open and that students reported she was consuming the wine during class. Richards-Gartee was removed from the classroom in a wheelchair and brought to the nursing office at the school. And Richards-Gartee was subsequently transported to a local hospital for treatment. She was cited for disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor. Here is a picture of her.

It's just so ridiculous because do you guys... I think she looks nice. I know a bunch of people that were substitute teachers. She looks like Janice Saporno. Everybody was so hungover they could barely stand. Sure. I don't understand. I mean, I guess, yeah, you shouldn't be drinking on the job.

But when did she get alerted that she had to teach these students, right? That's what I mean. Maybe it was like 3 a.m. You're asking her too much backstory. No, you find out at like 5 o'clock in the morning that you got to go in. So she wakes up, she's drunk. Oh, I need something. You grab the Franzia from the fridge on your way to the students, you know, to meet them.

And then you don't have time for coffee because you don't want to be late. But you got to nip that hangover in the bud. Maybe she just thought it was a big old juice box. Maybe it was. And what is the difference? I'm kind of pro her. You're pro this woman taking a box of wine to the classroom and throwing up in the classroom? Well, life lessons.

What is education? What is education, Marcus? You can't fill that out on a standardized test. Those kids definitely learned a lot more that day than they did all semester. No kid will drink Franzia in front of that class. The thing is, if you have a purse and you are a strong woman and you got to throw up, throw up in the purse. It doesn't matter what's inside of the purse. Sometimes you just got to let go and let God.

You just gave me the best idea I could possibly come up with. Purse wine. Just instead of a box, it's just a purse. But at the same time. That's the best idea you could ever come up with? Fill a purse up with wine. That's called a wine skin. Those have existed for thousands of years.

But it's a lady's purse. It's just so it's just camouflage. No one's done it. But no one's done it. Has anyone done it? When did anyone do it? Yeah, go to Coachella and there's going to be no one doing it. When did they do it, Ed?

It technically was around before electricity. Yeah. Was it called purse wine? Did it have a strap? Did it look like a Gucci purse? Yeah. It's a smart idea. It's an idea. If someone does it, someone comes up with it, it'll be all the rage in colleges. Yeah, but... Wine skins? It's a smart idea It's an idea If someone does it Someone comes up with it It'll be all the rage in colleges Yeah but

Wine skins? It's a wine skin It's called a boda bag What? Why wouldn't they call it a wine purse? They even have a Christmas stocking That you can just pour wine into And you just let the wine out of the bottom of it

So it's like What else would you want besides wine for Christmas? You know what would be a good idea? Whiskey gloves Whiskey gloves. Whiskey gloves. Sure, yeah, so you suck on your fingers. I'll tell you what, you can have that in my line of wine purses. No, I'll make my own whiskey gloves.

Yeah, do whiskey gloves exist, Marcus? Well, let me type in whiskey gloves to Google and see what comes up. How about this vodka thong? Ooh. Fill a thong up. Well, they have vodka tampons. You get very drunk. Spring break.

You can dip the tampon in vodka. They don't have vodka tampons. Now, all I see is a pair of gloves that they just say whiskey. W-H-I-S on one, on four fingers, and K-E-Y and a symbol on the other four.

That's a pumpkin? Whiskey! In no way are you getting pulled over. That's the rebel circus. Oh, very cool. Creighton, don't buy those. Absolutely not. It's a dumb thing. No, yeah, well, we did, absolutely.

He said we gave him free advertising, and you are correct. You've got a mogul's mind. I feel like, Creighton, you're smarter than all of us. No, that's not true. By definition, his brain is not matured or developed enough to be smarter than us. It's just more elastic. Yeah, he has the ability to learn more, but you're going to forget all of it except for the things that fit into the political philosophy of the girl you're trying to have sex with.

Ben, I'm not going to forget this beautiful moment we've shared together. God damn it. 40 minutes? 40 minutes. I was just rub to forget this beautiful moment we've shared together. God damn it. 40 minutes? 40 minutes. I was just rubbed on by a 17-year-old. The way you say that makes it like I grinded on you, like holding. But no, it was a touching moment. It was more like, yeah, he put his hand on your shoulder like, you know, everything's

going to be okay, Ben. Don't worry about it. Yeah, he bear pawed you. It was nice. Thank you very much. I like that, it. Yeah, he bear pawed you. It was nice. Thank you very much. I like that, actually. That was nice. You're courageous.

All right, it's time for a segment from Hope McNeely. Hope McNeely. We got you. And because you gave me this platform, it's time for a couple of quick PlayStation Network No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. The Arcadian 616 says, can I get a shout out to my boys Big Mac and Cheese, Herb Venture, and Old Mate Dead Glass. They're a bunch of dirty dog dick dust cunts.

Get some BF1 up ya. Tenacious Steve says, PSN shout out please. Magbro is a F word bro and can't drink for shit. Not Richard Chaney is a fucker. Hope you're doing better in Charlotte and congrats on your sobriety. Big shout out to my dog. I don't even know what that is. Oh, oh, that's to Not Richard Chaney.

Big shout out to my dog Rambo who is a holdenator. Woof, woof, you fucker. Make America scree again. There's a picture of Rambo right there. That's a good shout-out. There's a picture of Rambo. Rambo's awesome. That's a beautiful shout-out.

That's the first shout-out I've liked, by the way. That's a good one? Yeah. Manuel Arguelles says, Ho, congrats holding you, slimy piece of shit. Also call Logan a monkey and have everyone do monkey noises. Ooga booga. Ooga booga.

Everybody shut it off. Sonimus Prime, can I get a shout out? Please call me sexy ass bitch and tell Jackie she is my queen. Marcus is my sage and Ben could get these titties. P.S. I am a lady. Please play Overwatch with me. Ben? Please play it with her. Corrector 5

says shout out. Hitler did nothing wrong. Moving in stereo says shout out to all my patients. Moving in stereo has been getting way too many shout outs. I'm sorry for being such a shitty doctor. I promise not to malpractice you no more. The Pepperoni Man says, shout out, yum, yum, yum, come, come, come. I have stolen this. Oh, is this poetry?

This is all over. I feel like this is a poem. Joe Mix 3 says, Holdenators, oh, I want to know why no one is on team Felix the Cat for the animated cat debate. Because we know that. Because he doesn't matter. He doesn't matter. Felix the Cat doesn't matter.

All right. I mean, I also love Pink Panther, but I'm not going to put Pink Panther up there with Garfield. Oh, Pink Panther is better than Garfield. They're not the same. You don't think Sylvester deserves to be involved? No. Sylvester, no. He was saying that Pink Panther is better than Garfield. Wait're not the same. You don't think Sylvester deserves to be involved? No.

Sylvester, no, he was saying the Pink Panther is better than Garfield. Wait, what crime did Garfield solve? No, Pink Panther didn't solve it. You're confusing the Peter Sellers movie with the pink cat that sells fiberglass. I mean, they're involved. They got the same theme song. It's the Pink Panther.

What Pink Panther are you talking about? I'm done. Yeah. It's the Pink Panther. What Pink Panther are you talking about? Yeah, that's the Pink Panther. No, I'm not talking about the detective film, the series of detective films. The opening credits. We're the Pink Panther. I'm coming back next week. I'm coming back with that. I know exactly.

Oh, wow. Pink Panther and Smoke on the Water are kind of similar. Very similar. Pretty much the same song. All right. So I believe I said earlier everyone needs to come up with a kiosk at the mall. Marcus Marks. Before you've done this.

Can we just wrap up? I like this one. Marcus. What are you doing? Negative. It's been six years. Guitar lessons. That's what I'm doing.

Mine is guitar lessons. Hold on. Ooh. I will play that. Kiosk at the mall. Kiosk at the mall. By the way, I just want to mention that the opinions of the shout outs do not reflect the opinions of the round table. I don't know what that Hitler one.

What are you, CBS? That's what you're worried about? Yeah, the Hitler thing. All right, so all the things. Yeah, you've got to screen these. You can't be doing pro-Nazi shout-outs on a channel. Are you doing pro-Nazi? I stopped listening.

I just yelled them out. I just say them as they come. You should read them, screen them. No, because all you have to do is say the opinions are not reflected by the round table. We're fine. Jackie, you have to stay. Her bladder's about to go. Jackie, you have to do is say the opinions are not reflected by the round table. We're fine. Jackie, you have to stay. Her bladder's about to go. Jackie, you have to stay.

You can go first. We have 190 seconds. What is it, a kiosk? For the full episode, it has 190 seconds left. All right, kiosk at the mall. My kiosk at the mall, okay? It's those, just the little, the Russian things where you take the- Russian dolls.

Russian nesting dolls. Where you take the things out. Yeah. It is not that. Mm-hmm. All right? It is actually instead a Puff the Magic Dragon kiosk.

All right? It sells Puff the Magic Dragon and paraphernalia. Oh, just bongs. Bongs and Puff the Magic Dragon paraphernalia. It's a head shop. What was the dragon

at Disney World? Beach Dragon? Beach Dragon? Figment. Oh, Figment. Oh, Figment. I love Figment. Right? Epcot.

Amen. Genation. I don't know this song. I am just singing along. Let's talk about science. Science, science. It's all in Epcot. What's your kiosk?

Okay. I'm taking Jackie's whiskey thong thing, but I'm making it my own. It's whiskey thongs, but since that's a thing that people already do on spring break, it's actually just a travel agency that you use to go to Cabo, and it's only Cabo, Mexico. Oh, all right. There it is. It was me who came up with the vodka thong, just for the record. Good job, Holden.

I was whiskey gloves. Yeah, and then I made a joke about it. I think Jackie came up with nothing in terms of those ideas. He's 17. His mind is forming. No, we were together in this.

He's the smartest one that is sitting in here. I understand that. We're the Cabos. Technically. Ben Kissel. I don't know. We went to Cancun.

For Cancun? Oh, New Mexico? Yeah, old Mexico. Jackie, the longer you take, the harder it is for Jackie. You can use that as you will. For what? Her bladder is about to bust.

Oh, the kiosk? I don't know. Croquis. Remember croquis? What are croquis? Oh, the things that held the back of your sunglasses. Yeah. Those were cool.

That was all the kiosks were. I love croquis. Why would you want those? Croquis and Crocs. Ooh. You can do whatever you want to do with them that's like the most obnoxious duet of clothing wear croquis and crocs

the most annoying shoes and the most annoying eyewear products I mean I'm thinking maybe something where it's like you come to this kiosk and then you know you get you just get a one long hug and then if you and then I'll sell you a shirt get you just get a one long hug and then if you and then I'll sell you a shirt

that's what croquis are they're like a hug for your head sure hug for your head yeah I don't know get a hug now and then take home a hug for your head yeah absolutely brought to you by croquis Jackie's about to explode I'm going to explode so what my kiosk is going to be it's going to be all about sausages

but it's going to be like I sausages. But it's going to be like, I like to call sausages, snossages usually, which is a dog treat, but it's not the dog treat. We're calling them snuggages. It's going to be a head to wear wrap for your sausage. You can wrap it, you can dress it,

whatever you want to wear. So you can't, you don't have to hold the sausage. You don't even need a bun. So we're going keto. You don't even need a bun. Just tape it to your face. So we're going keto. You don't need carbs for it. Like a robe, a full robe. No, no, no. It's a complete around your neck.

It's a neck pillow of sausages? It holds out. It's almost like the thing that holds a harmonica. It's got the grease. But it's for a sausage, and it's called your snuggage. Oh, my God. That's amazing. That's a harmonica labra, by the way.

I can feel it. It's for people who are gluten-free. Yeah, exactly. And people that don't eat carbs, and you're going to have your snuggage, Calabra, by the way. I can feel it. That's where people are gluten-free. Exactly. And people that don't eat carbs, and you're going to have your snuggage, and it'll be right out in front of you. And any sausage or hot dog or really brat, whatever you want, that can fit inside of it will be good for you to travel with it. American good.

Any tube meat, I guess. So it's just wrapping sausage around your neck? No, but it's out. Like a hormonal. Like Darth Vader with a mask. And you can choose. But it's just there all day for when you feel like having that sausage. You just have to go for that sausage.

It's a meat necklace that elevates to your mouth. Everybody wants just the smell of sausage in their nose 24-7. It's my snuggage, and I'm going to go pee. All right. Go pee. Eddie. We'll see if you win here. Can we get a Holdenator's hoe from Eddie?

No. Okay, Eddie, what is your idea for the kiosk? Guns for mall shooters who came unprepared. All right. Marcus Parks. Who wins? I think we have to go with Jackie on that one, but that's up to Marcus. I think we got to go with the Snuggage on this as much as I love.

We can't like that one. Just for guns. Yeah, Snuggages. What's it called, Ed? Oh, you know, shoot everyone around you. You have a long name there. You'll have a hard time getting that in the hallway. Hated by the rest of them all.

Just absolutely despised by the rest of them all. All right, well, this episode's a roundtable. This episode's a roundtable. What happened to me? I'm having a stroke. You should have called Kevin. No, that's okay. All right, well, that's the roundtable, everyone.

Thanks so much for listening, and we'll be back next week. Yeah, and apologies for not doing the shout-outs earlier in the show. I know how badly people wished. People probably flipped out. Yeah, they were really upset with that. And watch the Carmichael show for Kevin. Why not, right? They need help.

They do? They have a massive billion-dollar brand promoting their show. I think they're fine. The last thing they need is us. And thanks for joining us, Creighton. Yes. Oh, yeah. Thank you for letting me sit close to you, Holden.

All right, we'll end it. Talk to you soon. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to CaveComedyRadio.com. Cave Comedy Radio