The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 325: The Little Tablers

Episode Date: April 14, 2017

The gang is joined by Henry Zebrowski in their first ever news story-less episode, in which they provide commentary to an ongoing Jumbo Shrimp game, discuss their own fantasy sports teams, and fight about the best and worst ways to eat shrimp.

The round table. Gentlemen. Aye. Let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen. And let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the day. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Get tight for me, girl. All right. Second microphone, come on. Nani, nani, nani, nani, nani, nani, nani, nani, nani, nani, nani, nani.

Are you going to sit down, Holden? Oh, sorry. Down at the Copa. Copa Cabana. Who is praying today? The hottest bottle of man. Oh, I'm praying today. Uh-huh.

Make it to Jesus Christ, please. Okay. Hey, Jesus. Is anyone there? Hello? Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. Jesus. Sucking noises.

Jesus, what's that? Oh, he's clucking. He's clucking. Hey, Jesus. Do you suck on doorknobs when you go to someone's house? Hey, Jesus, are you home? Let me just check. Sucking on

a knob. Knob sucker. Jesus, you gotta clean this doorknob because it tastes like pennies. Oh, wow, it's weird. What is this? It's just a man with a sheet over his head. Jesus, are you okay? You feeling ill? It's Mr. T. What? What are you

doing in heaven, Mr. T? I pity the fool that believes in Jesus Christ. You're too afraid to do a black voice, so you're sort of sounding like a white. I pity the fool. You sound more like Face from the A-Team than Mr. T. I pity the fool that is not an atheist. Technically, that'll do. Just say it right.

He was deeply religious Come on Henry do it how you know You want to do the voice I'm pitting the food That don't believe in deep breath Amen alright very nice Mr. T was extremely religious I remember that He actually he did not come and speak

At our church, but somebody related to Mr. T did growing up. I swear to God. Mr. S? Yeah, it was strange. Oh, weird. It was just an uncle? Alright, so here we go. Marcus is upset with everybody. I'm sorry. Giving Marcus more work.

Alright, that is fine. Everyone, this is Marcus just edited for you. So thank you. You have his career. Everyone, this is, you just, Marcus just edited for you. So thank you. You have his career. Henry, thank your career for Marcus. Thank you, Marcus, for letting me have a career. And Jackie.

I'm here. Okay. I just won $4 on a scratch off. Making money. Wow. I just cashed in. I got $35 off my scratch off. You've been playing them.

I play the $2 Lincolns. You've been playing them lately. I've been playing. We were talking about this the other night. I love the dust. You're $65 down? $65 down because I just won $35. You're doing the one thing nobody does with those things,

which is keeping an overall count of the money you've won and lost on scratch cards. Normally the way you play is you forget about the money you lost, so that when you win money, you feel like you actually gained money. I felt great. I went down to my Russian liquor store today. I got my $35. I did not spend it on liquor. Wow. He didn't. You showed me the money earlier. I showed you the money.

I got in and I got out. $35 would just buy a nice normal bottle of booze. Yes. Instead you just bought a bunch of pieces of paper that covered you in weird dust. You made no money. Instead, you just bought a bunch of pieces of paper that covered you in weird, like, dust. Yes. You made no money. No, I made money. Actually, on this transaction, I did make money. What was the big win? Fifteen

bucks. Fifteen bucks and a two dollar scratch off, my friend. Hell yeah. That's huge. That's huge money. I just don't know if it's, like, the best plan. It's not the best, but it's not the worst. It is a plan. Giving money back to the people. That's how you view it? I guess so.

But the money just goes back in the pool to make it to the lottery. We were just talking about this before. But then you still get taxed on it. Yeah, I don't understand. You get taxed on the government. You get taxed by the government for winning the lottery.

But the lottery is made out of tax dollars. It is the definition of a double tax. We should get rid of that. It just makes no sense. Why are they spending the lottery money when they could just use that money and buy more guns for the police? You know why? It's because America, America.

Got you. All right. And there it is. I like that. That was nice. Where's my chair? You could sing that all day. I'm crying, Marcus.

I'm crying, too. Wow. I'm not crying. I ain't crying. Thank you. Do your shout-outs. Holy shit, is he a sexy motherfucker. Nope.

Welcome to your PlayStation Network shoutouts that I've been scrambling to pull together during the intro portion of this show as I have never prepared. Also, fuck, I gotta come up with a segment, don't I? You do less than ever before. Technically, you don't have a day job. You have nothing going on.

I played Horizon Zero Dawn. Not a thing. On Twitch for two and a half hours today. Not a job. Would you say that like that's a job? That's not a job. Thank you very much. You're volunteering to do that.

You do what your future son is going to do when he's a teenager to not get a job. I recently did the hardest thing that I or Ben Kissel will ever do by streaming for 24 straight hours. Thank you for bringing it up, Ben Kissel. No. I have exactly negative zero, negative what, 150? What's the Scientology? I'm like negative 40. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You're negative. Yeah, on your tone scale? Yeah. I'm like, that's how much compassion I have for what you did. I'd say he's 1-1. He's covertly hostile. Yeah, I'd say so. Marcus and I were over there about three hours into Holden's unbelievable venture, and what

was Holden doing? Immediately complaining. Immediately complaining. Immediately complaining and also just hanging out with his friends eating a sandwich. That's all you do. Oh, you have to eat constantly if you're going to stream for 24 hours. You don't. Fresh fruits and vegetables stand up every two hours and take a walk around. It has to be regimented.

And if you screw the poochoch that pooch because the dick goes right through that pooch and out its fucking brain out of the front of its skull you sound like kill the pooch if richie rich actually became president that's what you sound i think richie rich might have become president interesting oh no here your playstation network shout out cody gardner says hey man can you give a shout out and then tell Ben he's a pee-pee smooch? Love all of you guys. That's funny. I don't.

Thank you. Ian Brennan says, tell Sean he's a fucking soggy diaper lover and can choke on Wizard Cum. Alex Field says, ho, Andy B is a suck boy. Das Cunt 666 says, is it true you suck trucker cock for pocket change, or do you just do it for a hot meal? Jackanese for the win. Yes. CJ Roby says, need some fucking PS shoutouts?

I demand Marcus be called mega producer. Jackie, we both love you, but if you could say hi to my GF Zane, she'd flip. Zane, hi. That's what gay horses eat. Oh, my God. Too edgy. Too edgy. Good lord.

You're no longer a comedian, by the way. No, come on. Now you're a soccer mom. Wait a second. Is some kind of gay horse in stock? I don't know. I'm a blind singer. All right.

Oh, my. I'm just getting the keys ready for free speech jail. I do want to make that clear. I'm going to get Ben real drunk and arm wrestle him in San Francisco. I feel like people constantly want to arm wrestle Ben. Do people ask you to arm wrestle a lot? I'm not that great at arm wrestling. I bet.

I mean, it's a weird, you know. I can't. If I get the right angle. I hate arm wrestling. It hurts. It feels weird. The thing is, you got to go with their, they always demand to use their strong hands. So I got to use my left hand.

I got nothing over here. I got nothing on my left. So I tend to lose at the arm wrestling. There you go. Wait, they want to use their weak hand? They use their strong hand, so they use their right hand. It's always the opposite. Yeah, right hand goes to right hand.

What are you talking about? Oh, no, you guys are arm wrestling. Are you guys standing side by side? Are you getting behind? Yeah, are you holding a man from behind? Have you never rushed an arm wrestling? Yeah, are you holding a man from behind and just gripping him with it? Yeah, Russian arm wrestling? That's making love.

Yeah, that's sex. That's sex with a man. That is one of the wildest things. You can do it. You don't have to be ashamed about it and call it arm wrestling. That's what he said we were doing. Yeah, because he's ashamed. But you must understand that you are a gay man, Ben Kissel, or possibly trans?

1-1. Whichever. And I would be happy if I was either. I happen not to be. I am really glad I don't want to be a lady because I don't have a good body for it. I also think you would refuse to shave your beard, which is allowed. No, if I wanted to be a lady, I would be as beautiful as I could possibly allow. I would do it up.

I would have really nice clothes, I would be as beautiful as I could possibly allow. I would do it up. I would have really nice clothes. I would be out and about. Would you wear heels, though? Yeah. A whole kit and a boot. I'm a heel guy. I don't know. I'll fucking binge over and fucking smack your ass.

This is the last thing anyone wants to think about. I would be a sexy little Miss Piggy. I would trash your pussy. I'd let you do it. I'd be like make a mess of it, you dirty hog. And that's what I'd call everybody. You want to be my Kermit to my Miss Piggy? You got the frog fucking cock. I want to be your fucking Gonzo

bitch. Yeah, stick your nose in my crooked pig pussy, you fucking dick. Good lord. It's early and I'm way too horny. Ed Larson, stop being successful so I can hear that crazy cackle again. The only thing I'm successful in is having hemorrhoids. Oh, you guys rock.

He was very successful with his hemorrhoids. He's like an Oscar winner multiple times for having hemorrhoids. And last but not least. Holden, you don't even have hemorrhoids and you were complaining about sitting. And I'm pushing too much on the toilet as well. Stop pushing. I've stopped now.

Get regular yogi tea. You're just gonna do it like Thai people and put your feet up on the seat and just shit inside it like you're laying an egg. You get a squatty potty. A squatty potty.

But the Thai people don't need a stool. Can you imagine how- Well, they made their toilets better than ours. Well, they made the toilets lower. Technically, John Crapper got it wrong.

Well, I think in Japan, the toilets are just holes in the floor. China, too. Yeah. Like solitary confinement? Mm-hmm. Yeah, they're just holes in the floor. Crapper got it wrong. Well, I think in Japan, the toilets are just holes in the floor. China, too. Yeah. Like solitary confinement. Yeah, they're just holes in the floor. Crapper invented one of the greatest products in human history.

Smoke screen. It is synonymous with poop, and I feel bad for him in some ways. No, I don't feel bad for him. You make the bed, and you lay in the bed. In his case, he made a chair that you can shit in, and now you sit on the chair that you shit in. Fingered by the man himself. Now I do have sympathy for him in the first pitch meeting. We're like, so what are you selling us?

He's like, it's a chair. Listen, listen, listen. It's got a hole in it. And Jay Scott says, oh, shut out. Holden, I don't care what your sexual preferences are. I think you are hilarious. And tell my boy Sam, he's a chode. Sam, you're a chode.

Thank you, everybody. That's PlayStation Network. I'm out. I'm leaving. He's gone. He's out of here. He's already gone. Clunk, clunk a chode. Sam, you're a chode. Thank you, everybody. That's PlayStation Network. I'm out. I'm leaving. He's gone. He's out of here. He's already gone. Clunk, clunk, clunk.

Step, step, step, step, step, step. Car door open. Car door closed. Vroom, vroom, vroom. Eee. Vroom. Oh, no. He hit me with his goal.

Oh, man. Is this George Lucas' ILM? Are they producing Roundtable? This is exciting. All right. Mega producer, Marcus Parks. Mega. Mega. Mega producer.

No, Jackie. I'm sorry. Jesus, how much gin have you had? Not that much. Not that much? Yeah. Maybe have more. That's the problem.

I told you I had to get drunk or I can't be funny. Yeah. That's a problem. I just can't be. And that's not even close to true, Jackie. No, I've seen you funny when you're sober, but mostly it's because you're mad, and I think it's funny when you're mad. Yeah, yeah, it is.

I almost pushed someone on the floor earlier just because they were in my way. Well, that guy was loafing. God, he was just standing in front of the stairs and he wasn't moving, so I just pushed past him. Yeah, and he was just like, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. And then I had to yell about him for at least two blocks. This is what I say now. You're talking subway stairs?

No, here in the Greek. I'm just saying. It was an open mic-er, and he was just dazzled by show business. Fucking idiot. Every time that happens on the subway stairs, and it tends to happen a lot, somebody looking at their phone, not moving on the stairs during rush hour, I go, bad place to stand. That's a very stern white man attack.

That is a very stern white man. The passive aggressive overall shout. Excuse me. Not directed at anyone. So when they do be like, you talking to me? Be like, no. I don't look at them when I say it. I just walk very quickly past them and scream them.

So you know what you got to do, man? If you want to be a true Ben Roethlisberger type white man, credit card swipe up their asshole. Yes. Do the zip. Charge them for us. Do the zipper. Charge and stand and feed.

Are you standing feet? I've seen butt beamers recently because this is the second time a sort of an asshole manipulation has been brought up already. And how far into the episode are we? 13 minutes. Henry has an autism where he gets a thought and then he will do it for about three years.

I'm working out the bit. You're working it out and then you make all of us uncomfortable and then we're like, we're gonna go down with him and then we try to distance ourselves. More like go down on him if he was a woman and in heels. But he's not a woman, not in heels. Honestly, it wouldn't be a great looking pussy because it would be moving from a dick to

a pussy. We're not even discussing this. I'm just saying it. I was doing it. It will be a clapper. Okay. It will be a clapper snapper. And that's what I'll call it.

Is it going to be like a clap on, clap off? I'll be like, but I do it to myself. I'll be like, I'm wet. Not wet anymore. Get out of my room. All right. Okay. Very good. Thank you so much for your comedic genius. I'm wet not wet anymore get out of my room alright okay very good

thank you so much for your comedic genius characters on Netflix yeah one star we got a Noemi award nomination for last podcast

not for best comedy podcast so that makes best comedy podcast oh it is for best comedy podcast yeah oh my god no I thought you said it wasn't for best comedy podcast

why would I ever I don't fucking know why he said maybe true crime bitch I don't think that's a special I don't think that's a category Holden didn't you get beat up by an elderly man with a cane The last time you tried to yell at someone who was being slow On the subway steps No I was

He was being slow I was just apparently too close behind him I didn't say anything That was the weird part about it That's why I got sideswiped. Just a giant fist just blasted me in the side of the head. What age do you think of the guy? He was very much older

and he had a broken foot or something. I got sideswiped and instead of running away or fighting back, I curled up in a ball and allowed him to finish if he had wanted to. Luckily, some people held him back. And I think that's always the best defense.

There's no defense. I don't have fight. I don't have flight. I have let just get killed. Kind of more of a goat maneuver, I guess. You're like a fainting goat. It's so bad. Which, by the way, if you get a chance on Twitter, goat parkour is adorable.

It's on emergency queue. Wait a second. Is it just like taking a goat and putting it in a dangerous place? No, no, no. And then it's got to figure out its way down? Just baby goats. They just do parkour. They're trying to figure out how to do their thing.

Planet Earth 2. Well, I don't know if it's Planet Earth 2. It is in Planet Earth 2. You do not finish watching the series because you're being a poo-poo. I like Planet Earth 1. Planet Earth 2, I already saw it. It was 10 years ago, Ben. Planet Earth 2's got new cameras.

New animals. We've got new animals now. Eagle fight. Yeah, we've got a bagoontie. It's a big sack bird. It's got a giant sack. Fill my holes! Wait, is that a squirty bird? I think that's what it is.

It is a bird that begs to be fucked in English. The squirty bird is now rising above the volcano to drop his saccules. Fill my holes! Fill my holes! Oh, and look, there's a tiny devil imp, and he's flying over to the saccule bird. Fill my holes! And he's fucking the bird.

Thank you! Imp man. Thank you! Yeah, that's what I like to do. I'm the devil's spawn. Did you guys just, like, go to a concussion machine before the show somehow? What's a concussion machine? Are you talking about a baseball bat?

That's a concussion machine. That is a concussion machine. And speaking of baseball bats, tonight is the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp Home Opener. Mega producer Marcus Parks. Mega producer. Apparently on the radio broadcast of, I guess it was a preseason game or something, they played me singing. Two, three, four.

We are the Jumbo Shrimp. Here to play a game. Oh, Ben, take it away. I don't do that one. And so they played me singing it apparently. Really? That's great. On the radio.

Over the radio broadcast apparently. Wow. Isn't that wild? Well, this is the home opener. They already did. Right now, they're 2-3, unfortunately. They did a five-game series. So they're not very good.

No, they'll get it back. They're okay. I mean, they might come back. They played a five-game series against the Mississippi Braves. They won their opener, the season opener. They won 7-2 against the Mississippi Braves. Wow. But right now, they are in the bottom of the second. They're up 2-0 against Chattanoves. Wow. But right now, they are in the bottom of the second.

They're up 2-0 against Chattanooga. Yeah. Are the Mississippi Braves just a team of people that all just look like Lena Dunham nude? So brave. They would be brave. That would make them brave. That would make them brave.

Don't get hit with the ball. That would not be good. Are you proud of yourself? I'm so proud. I've. Are you proud of yourself? He's so good. I've never seen you proud of yourself. You're laughing like a DC Comics villain. Do they pay you money for using that clip for Muscle? I was going to ask that, but then I didn't want to.

No, they don't. I'll just ask you. Of course they didn't pay me money. Are you kidding? I'll ask the answer. Where do we... Can I ask an honest question? How we get paid?

Where do we benefit? We don't. From what? From this Jumbo Shrimp experience. They literally gave them a theme song, and then they just took it. Okay, first of all, the joy in my heart when I sing it is the benefit enough. Okay? The children's lives we've saved.

Can you send the IRS just a bunch of you smiling? Just a bunch of pictures of you smiling. Jumbo Shrimp up 3-0. You know what you just said too? This is the first home game. They're definitely going to get it back. Now they're at home where the people support and love them, and the song can be sung.

They will win those games more often in the future. Absolutely. And they also debuted their bat dog tonight. Their bat dog is named Sergeant Scampi. And why wouldn't it be? Why wouldn't it be? That is great. What kind of dog

are we talking? It is, I don't know what kind of dog it is. It looks kind of like a muddish type fella. They should squeeze a bunch of lemon on him.

He was a bomb dog and a rat. Oh, thank you for your service. Thank you for your service. Sergeant Scampi, thank you for your service. Wouldn't it be even worse

if he was named after a guy that died like Sergeant Scampi? It was a your service. Wouldn't it be even worse if he was named after a guy that died, like Sergeant Scampi? It was a big fat dude covered in butter. Sergeant Bill Scampi. In loving memory of Sergeant Scampi. We named his dog after him. I have not had Papa John's in two weeks, and I am missing. That's not true.

It's been less than two weeks. No, it hasn't been. No, remember when you invited me over and said I just bought a bunch of Papa John's? That was two weeks ago. That was a week and I am missing. That's not true. It's been less than two weeks. No, it hasn't been. No, remember when you invited me over and said I just bought a bunch of Papa John's? That was two weeks ago. That was a week and a half ago. It was a week and a half. So?

It's two weeks since he's come out. When does this come out? All we're saying is never use Ben Kissel as a key witness in a trial. I'm just saying. If there was a picture in the dictionary next to unreliable witness, it would be Kissel drunk.

The picture would be blurred because he's moving as the picture goes. Well, you only see crime when you're drunk because that's when you're a detective. That's when you're out looking for it. That is true. That's when you're on the street. What if we start putting money up? I have a really good idea

for Roundtable, gentlemen. When we start getting good ad money in, take that money, start betting on the jumbo shrimp yeah to double it oh i like it i think it's a great idea because it's always a great idea to bet on your favorite sports team yes yes yeah no way is that going to lead to emotional turmoil overall uh holden having to get a job again double the money so i will say this uh because i don't think it's going to happen anymore but they hit me up on twitter on my account, showed me a picture of a t-shirt that said, we are the Jumbo Shrimp, here to play a game, with the Jumbo Shrimp logo. Said, hey, what charity would you like the proceeds to go to?

I hit him back and said, the Boys and Girls Club. And that was Ed, the Roundtable of Gentlemen. I would just say, yeah, literally, the benefit that saves Holden McNeely. The little tablers. The little tablers. The little tablers. The little tablers. What if we get a kid drunk for a week?

We get a kid and a homeless man. We take a kid and a homeless man, we pair him up, and we get him a hotel room, and we dress him up in fancy clothes. And then we take it all away 24 hours later. and we get him a hotel room and we dress him up in fancy clothes. That's just the movie The Jerk. No, then we take it all away 24 hours later. And what have you learned? Get a job. Having money doesn't make you happy.

That's not true. It does. It definitely does. I don't believe that's true. So please, Jacksonville Jumbos, if you do make that t-shirt and donate to a charity, the Little Tablers Club is available. It is available, but they never

followed back up. I'm going to actually follow up with them again soon. I just remembered this. Hopefully we will get those shirts out. Still won't be personally making any money off of it, but we'll save some children's lives or teach them some hard lessons. What do we make a thing called the Hop on Pop Society, which is

that you will give kids money and we'll take care of their college. We donate our laps. We donate our laps. Little bouncing baby boys and girls can bounce on our laps. But they have to be able to bounce on our laps. They want your laps. I'm just saying they have to choose to do that. Hop on Pop.

No, I just want to take the money and Henry will be the pop. And we'll get that ride-em-up saddle for daddies now. So kids can ride on like their daddy's saddle. Or their fun mom. A fun big mom would do it. What the hell are we talking about? There's saddles for humans?

The babies are riding their parents? Oh, this is bad. You can get the pony up daddy saddle in Princess Pink. Oh, that's so fun. Oh, my toenails. Technically, Princess Pink, it should be purple. Purple is the color of royalty.

Not to bring them up as a constant thing, because we also talked about page seven, but that would be fun for Stephen Hawking's big old maid to wear him around all day long and him being like silent. No one can see. Yeah, you just did an act out that no one can see. I just like, I'm sorry, Marcus, I am looking over your shoulder, that the baby that is riding the daddy is dressed up like a pirate?

It's a baby, yeah, it's a daddy on all fours. No way, that is not a good message for the family. Why is the child in control? It's a daddy on all fours. The little girl is riding her father. Why is she in a pirate? She's dressed as a pirate. Pirates ride horses.

Well, can you imagine if one did ride a horse? How scared those horses are being on the boat? The pony up daddy's saddle is a unique, cute product for kids who love getting pony rides. Honestly, I don't want any other conversation about it. I love it. I'm going to buy one for my relationship. If Albert Fish was alive, he would be like, I will have that. I will get it. Parents told us that they were pleasantly surprised

at how secure the saddle was, even with the toddler throwing their weight back. She could jostle and bounce as much as you want. You know what's also really sad about that picture? The first thing I hit in my head? That's not father and daughter in that picture. No.

No, those are two actors. Two actors. That were hired to do a thing. And it's for stock photos. I've had to do a couple different commercial auditions with little boys, and they were very uncomfortable. One, I had to have the kid on my lap and pretend to be his father, and it was uncomfortable. You imagined the child to have the kid on my lap and pretend to be his father. And it was uncomfortable.

You imagined the child actor. And, by the way, my son. By the way. Oh, I know. Oh, I know. And they just let them. And, by the way, they stay outside. And they're like, kiss him.

And I heard the father. Kiss him and pretend he's like your daddy. I heard one of the dads be like, just do whatever they tell you to do in there, son. Whatever it is. What? Oh, my goodness. And the name of that boy was Corey Haim. Why don't you tell the daddy,

tell new daddy you love him. Tell him you love him. I love you. I think it should be illegal. All children should be CGI'd. Also, by the way, it was a commercial for depression pills, and the mom was going through intense severe depression.

She would be if she was married to you. And we were at a park. Exactly, right? So I thought I was really selling it. Lexi's future. So Ben Kissel, could I have a beer once more? But I will also pay for these. I have two dollar bills right here.

I wanted to do it on the record so people know now who paid for the beer. It is funny because Ben didn't even pay for the beer. No, I made Henry buy them. I'll take the money. Give me the money. I have a beer, please, Ben. Give the money to me. He's never bought a beer before in the history of Roundtable.

Give the money to me. He has to edit so much. He gets a half. He gets a dollar. Marcus is finally the best. That's the only money Marcus has ever made from Roundtable. One dollar in my pockets. Making money.

Please, Ben, could I please have a beer? I don't want all the... Well, you're keeping the beers all the way over here next to me. Because we can't put them on the table. Making money. Please, Ben, could I please have a beer? I don't want all the... Well, you're keeping the beers all the way over here next to me. Because we can't put them on the table because they sweat. It ruins all the microphones. What would be a real good Mississippi Braves thing to do is to have, instead of kids being commercials, people with progeria

get them some cash flow. Oh my god. What's progeria? Oh, have you seen that documentary on HBO? It's called Too Small to Hold. No. It's the old people's Hold, Too Old to Cold. I don't know what that is. It's the old people do these where they look really, really old, but they're young and then they die young. They're kids who age super fast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Island of Dr. Moreau. Yeah. Yes. That's correct. They use him to good effect. Yeah, Dr. Mengele. No, not Dr. Mengele. Yeah, put the old people juice inside of them.

See what happens. That's what he did, right, guys? I know history. Talk to me. I saw Tickled. Did you guys watch Tickled yet? Yes. No, not yet.

It's good. What the hell is Tickled? Did you watch the upcoming after it? No. What the hell is Tickled? Tickled is a documentary about people in competitive tickle competitions. Where boys hold each other down and tickle each other. How do you win?

By doing it longest. By doing it longest. But is the person not supposed to laugh? It's a sex thing. And they don't know what they're signing up for, and then it gets very bad. And they use it as things to hold against them for the rest of their lives. Competitive endurance tickling. But now the person who

is being tickled doesn't understand this is a sexual thing. It's sort of, I don't want it, spoiler alert. Some do and some don't. I'm never going to watch this. You have to watch it on HBO. Not a billion years later. I want to watch it. I want to watch it. Alright, we won't ruin it then. Marcus, continue on with the news story. I mean, well, the,

it's top of the fourth. Are we just going to cover the jumbo shrimp? Top of the third, jumbo shrimp versus Chattanooga. We got Dylan Peters pitching, number 26. At bat, we got Levi Michael batting average. Ooh, I'd fuck that name. .25 this year. Ooh,.25.

Oh, and the pitcher winds up. That's a bucket of butter, it looks like. It slid onto the field. Man, the innings go so fast. They're just dipping themselves in the butter. That is, I got to straight up say, that's comical. Swing and a miss. 0-1.

Oh, no, this is good. We want this. Oh, this is good. Because it's Chattanooga at bat. Oh, we don't like Chattanooga. No, we like Jacksonville. Is the Chattanooga. We like Jacksonville. Is the Chattanooga chicken fuckers? Something like that.

And they're butter in the ball. You better believe them shrimp are butter in that ball. You don't eat shrimp with butter. What the fuck are you even mentioning right now to me? Garlic butter. You can use any shellfish.

Listen to me. You are about You can eat any shellfish. Listen to me. Any shellfish. Listen to me. You are traditionally free speech jail. You eat lobster with butter. You can also eat any shellfish. Any shellfish.

I'm trembling right now. I'm so angry. is statistically and better for you and also more tasty, in my opinion, with a very spicy horseradish-based cocktail. Good!

It's hot. If you're talking cocktail shrimp, I'm with you 100%. That's what I cocktail. Good! If you're talking cocktail shrimp, I'm with you 100%. That's what I'm talking about. If you're talking about shrimp scampi, garlic butter is

the name of the game. That is fine because that is the actual dish of shrimp scampi. But that's shrimp. I am giving you paper. They are not called

the shrimp scampi. They're not called the shrimp scampi. What about the shrimp scampi? Yeah, but you can put no jumbo shrimp can go into a butter sauce. Sure. Yeah. But then it's scampi. No, George is scampi? Yeah, but you can put, no, jumbo shrimp can go into a butter sauce.

Sure. Yeah. But then it's scampi. No, no, no, no, no. It depends on how the shrimp is prepared. The only thing that I firmly believe you cannot put on shellfish is cheese. Well, technically, traditionally, in the Italian tradition, you're not supposed to mix shellfish and cheese, but you can. How many times have you attempted that?

Only once. Yeah, but have you attempted that? Only once. Yeah, but have you ever had shrimp fettuccine Alfredo? Yeah, that's really good. That's a cheese sauce that is a little bit different. What? In college, I took some microwaved shrimp and I did put a little sprinkle of cheese. Microwaved frozen shrimp. What does that mean?

That's supposed to microwave frozen shrimp. You're supposed to soak them in water. I thought it before. We didn't have an oven. What am I supposed to do? Put it in the dishwasher? That is fucking disgusting. How did you guys go Harvard? I mean, my God. Yes, I did.

Levi Michael has been hit by a pitch. My man. Levi Michael has been hit by a pitch. He takes first I like that. Levi Michael has been hit by a pitch. He takes first base. We've got Dan Gamacci on second. Sounds like Dylan Peters got control issues. Yeah, Dylan Peters. Like Wilford Brimley.

Yeah, that's an early hit by a pitch. If he does it again, it's probably going to cause a fight, which I am excited to see. Sexy butts. It's the Chattanooga butt holders. That's actually a fine name for a minor league team. What sport has the sexiest butts? Baseball. Baseball is the best.

Not football. I mean, they got the butts. You got chunky butts in football if you want a butt chunk. No, baseball's got butts. But, I mean, you take off the padding, hockey. Yeah. I think hockey. Because I think in either gendereyball has the best butts

It's different That's a good point I think you know what You know what's the toughest job of all But it also has like Really good butts in it Being a mom Yeah

It's true I don't know how good their butts are Some moms There's a term for it Some moms have Called it being a milf Some moms have the kind of ass That I want to fucking

Build an igloo on And fucking Some moms Suck a dick But that I want to fucking build an igloo on and fucking suck a dick inside. That is just so stout and tough and fun and good that I want to be there for it and support it. The problem is what about their

front butts? What about Barb? What about Barb? What about Barb? Jackie, did you audition for What About Barb? No, I fucking didn't, and fuck that show. I don't know why they're making it. You guys want to be the life vest. What about Barb?

God, it makes me so mad. You see, because it's supposed to be What About Bob. It's a female version of it. Oh, is that what it is? That's it, Jackie. Oh, is that what it is? I know, right? Well, you guys loved that movie, though.

Yeah, but they didn't bring me in to play fucking Barb. I should have been fucking Barb. Oh, and now we get is? I know, right? Well, you guys loved that movie, though. Yeah, but they didn't bring me in to play fucking Barb. I should have been fucking Barb. Oh, and now we get to the meat of the sandwich. We get to eat shrimp with the whole thing. Did they get some fucking fat British girl? She should be American. I have already been on that rant before. Yes, she should be American.

Why does she have to be American? They are British people who are coming to this country, and I don't mean to label all of them, but they are coming to this country country and they're taking our jobs. And if we're going to do a ban of any country, I say we build a seawall around the UK. USA! USA! USA! And then we carpet bomb them. It's nice to hear you guys tapping into your nationalism.

Marcus, what do we got? Tanner English called out on strikes. What out? Top of the third. So we got someone on second? There's a man on first and a man on second. The Chattanooga lookouts are in good shape right now, but we'll see how they play out the rest of the inning.

Who's on first? Dan Gamacci. No. You got him. Thank you, Marcus. Dan Gamache no Thank You Marcus Henry if you were a mom in heels I would be I would go to the PT meetings and thing what I would do is always be like I would always be Like talking like really friendly and flirty and kind of talk about how like how hard does it be single and it was You are one-eyed janitor

Am I like a science teacher or something in this? You are a one-eyed janitor that I wouldn't even look at. You're not a freaking teacher. Maybe you're the water fountain. But it's a beautiful story because I pretend to be a teacher for one night only and invite Henry to a PTA meeting privately, right? Yeah. And I put a fake eye, I build a fake eye, and I put it in my socket, and I put on a teacher's robes.

What I'm really glad about is that you take the time and attention to really take my son's education seriously. My rod is poking out the top of my belt. This is just like Big Little

Lies. Big Little Lies about and how can they be. So good. What are these big little lies about? What? And how can they be? So good! Yeah, that is. It's about the lies that we tell so that we can have a public facade that we're proud of. That's a contradiction, big little lies. Isn't that just a personality? No, it's all

about a murder. There's been a murderer in this really fancy town, and it's like, who got murdered? Who did the murder? And who is the father of the child? Those are all big, big lies. It ends up being Billy Joe from Green Day. Billy Joe Armstrong. He's got eyeliner on

and she's so embarrassed. I'm a fucking contradiction. This might be the last episode. I sound like a special needs kid. I hope you have a time of your life. This is my last episode on the show.

Swing and strike on Nick Gordon. All right, there we go. Wait, are they out yet? Have we flip-flopped? I want the shrimp dance. No, I want the shrimp dance. One on first, one on second. One out.

Why isn't there a keg at second base? Because it's a sport It's not keg, it's wiffle ball I just want them, I want to watch a shrimp play keg wiffle ball You just want to hang out with a bunch of men That used to be on a baseball team With ripping hard asses We can go down to McCarran Park

And you can watch them all play softball And you'll see what it actually looks like I want them You just go to Jacksonville, I'm certain that they're on their second and third marriages and they will take you up on the fourth. You're right. You can go get a piece of Levi Michael. Baseball players are whores.

Do whatever and they'll have sex with everything. I think you might be a very religious man. A-Rod loves J-Lo and they are going to be together forever. I watched A-Rod walk down the street with Cameron Diaz. I saw that as well. It was you and me together.

The three of us were together. Yes, and they walked very far apart. What were you guys doing? Were you promenading around the town? Oh, you know how we knew. We were looking for a fortune teller. What the fuck do you think we were doing? We were hiding in bushes being paparazzi.

I was walking around giving homeless men $1 and say, now build your business, you creepy young spot. That would be nice. You're so nice. People have said that my big thing is that my main fault is that number one, I care too much. Yes. And number two, I'm so nice that people take advantage of me. Have you ever donated anything to charity?

I am now on a, I donate to Planned Parenthood and the IRC every month and to PBS because I wanted to see Great British Bake Off. That's as good a reason as any. And the IRC pops out to third baseman Brian Anderson. Two outs. However,

Dan Gamache has made it to third base. Gamache! That's a sacrifice. That's what I know about baseball. base. Gamache. That's a sacrifice. That's what I know about baseball. That guy who just hit that is a sacrifice. And they play Creed whenever you do that. No. Okay, Continental.

Do not. All right. Are you my dad? No one is your father. Your father is very diabetic. Henry, we shouldn't be allowed to do two podcasts together in one day because I feel like it's the same podcast just in a different light.

They did this on page seven? Oh, yeah. We always have to keep them separate. I know. We just can't let them get into the same show. It's disgusting. I'm the sexy janitor

and I have to tell you your high heels a lick or two would do you good. I'm going to put it this way. Unless you suck these toes, you can't feel these homes. God, I hate this.

I suck them outside of the shoe, though. I just need to do it outside of the shoe to get me a good party. And Ingel Vielma has popped out to center fielder Yefri Perez. That's three outs. Jacksonville's back at bat. Wait, I'm sorry. Did you say Yefri? Yeah, Jafri.

He's the smartest. He wears a bow tie. I just don't like, I think baseball is boring. You know, baseball is boring on television, but I got to say, going out to the ball game, it's still one of the best experiences in the world. Yeah, because you don't have to watch the game. You're just sitting in a place drinking. Yeah, you just literally, and you can play a drinking game with strikeouts, balls.

And singing, and there's a lot of singing. Yeah, and I like baseball on the radio, obviously. Oh, I do. Yeah, and I like baseball on the radio, obviously. Oh, I do. Yeah, it's peaceful. Radio announcers who do play-by-play for professional sports are the best radio announcers out there. Easily. Yeah.

Well, they just say the thing that just happened. Yeah, but they have to do it in a way, and they also have to keep on a conversation about how they're going to pay alimony and stuff like that. There's always a sad undercurrent. Yeah, there's a weird little, just like, Deborah, she's not coming home anytime soon. Last night was the fifth night

I spent in the U.S. So would Lady Henry have like a do you phase, like a eat, pray, love sort of time? Every day you take an hour for self-love. And so what I like to do is cream my knees. Has she been to Europe? Has she been to Europe? Has she been to Italy? I have seen pictures of Paris, and I know exactly where I'll go when I get the chance to go.

But work has been so hectic. What is work for Lady Henry? I am a prostitute. Okay, creative. Do you have any other answer other than that? Clap off. Clap. Clap.

Clap off. Clap. Clap. Clap off. Clap. Clap. Oh, my God. She literally, I lost my penis in her. When I went to the doctor and I was like, when you make my petals, what I want you to do. Don't use my joke. When you make my petals, what I want is to make the hole.

Yes, of course. But leave the dick. Skin the dick. Make it a super long clear. So that when the man's going down on me, I could say, hey, you like my filthy spaghettis? That is absolutely disgusting. I don't endorse it. I don't support anything that this podcast has ever done.

My vagina's like a clam's foot. I feel like filthy spaghettis is just gnocchis. I'm calling your gnocchis. My gnocchis. Everyone in Brooklyn has disgusting friends, so that is fine. We got Brian Anderson for the jumbo trip up at bat. It's a swing and a miss.

That's it? That's the thing about baseball, though. When it is a swing and a miss, it's like, okay. And we have eight more minutes to wait until there's another swing and a, though. When it is a swing and a miss, it's like, okay. And we have eight more minutes to wait until there's another swing and a miss. Also, baseball is a lot of like... I watched... And it's a center field fly. And it's caught. Oh, come on.

Actually, I take that back. Uh-oh. He's got three balls. Oh, my God. Remove one. Yes, please. Remove one to make him normal again. I had to put an extra one in.

We're at three and two right now. He's got a swing and strike, a foul, three balls. He hits a foul. He's still at bat. We've got to see what is in store for Brian Anderson today. He's 0-1 on the diamond. Here comes the pitch. This is exciting.

Wow. And the pitch is still in the air, apparently. I guess they're playing in jello. Sarah, I'll just take this moment. Sarah, if you're listening, please come home. I'm so sorry. It's a ball. Brian Anderson walks and takes first base.

The Jumbo Shrimp have put a man on the field at the bottom of the third inning. Jumbo Shrimp up 3-0. I apologize for using the B word about you, and I apologize for using the C word about you, Sarah. Please come home. There it is. Well, there's no way she's not going to love you now. All right, Jumbo Shrimp doing well.

They're doing fine. They're playing baseball. They are doing fine. They're playing baseball. They are doing fine. Announcers get hammered. They better. Old school, man. Announcers get bugged. Can you imagine?

Because what's his name? Wheel of Fortune? Pat Sajak. Pat Sajak. He had a bad drink. Can you imagine partying with him back in his prime? No, he did have a bad drinking problem. Because they did great.

They always did the show, him and Vanna White. They were just tanked. I thought he had a terrible drinking problem. Well, he had a drinking problem. But they would just do the show drunk. And everyone was like, all right, it was a great show. Oh, so he had a terrible drinking problem he had a drinking problem but they would just do the show drunk and everyone was like alright they did a great show

oh so it was a good drinking problem is what you're saying he was a fun guy but he would get way too drunk and Alex Trebek was also had a very large drinking problem and the guy

Richard Dawson of the Family Feud he was a little actually very creepy very handsy Very handsy. The kissy thing. You have all the time and money in the planet. Because what?

They film like everything in like a day. Yeah. It's like nothing. That's it. So you just have all this time and like an idiot's amount of money. But I would say you could take a day off from drinking when you film. Yeah. It just seems like.

Or drink after. It's literally like three hours of your day that you can not drink. Well, they get them in and they get them out. Yeah. Especially Family Feud. I think if you do that show, I can't even watch the show nearly as an inch of the amount Well, you know what they did with Family Feud? They tried to make it sexual.

Yeah. What? Everything is like leading into like. It's so weird. It's family. How do you make a whoopee? Yeah. I'm here with my fucking grandmother.

It's really gross. My grandmother's right there and you're asking me how I fucking rub my cheese off. So tell me, if you're going to stick your cock in it, what are you going to stick your cock in? A pumpkin. A pumpkin. It's a pumpkin. A black prostitute. Ding. That's a tough answer.

Number one. Oh, it looks like the Chattanooga Lookouts are taking a bit of revenge. David Vidal hit by a pitch, sent to first base. Brian Anderson now on second. You're going to call me a bastard maybe, but I don't think they're very good at baseball. No, they are good at baseball. Two beans are all bad. No, that's revenge.

That's a revenge beam. They knew what they were doing. They knew what they were doing. Yeah, the first bean was probably an accident. The second bean, that is a bit of revenge. I'm going to call it fight is happening. Yeah, fight is definitely happening. Yeah, the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp home opener.

Bro, that's happening. It's the Chattanooga Cucks. What is the name of the Chattanooga team? The Chattanooga Lookouts. They're named after lookouts. When you're having a drug run, you got to look out and make sure the police aren't there. It's like what happens in Chattanooga all the time. It's a felony position.

Yeah, they're big moonshiners. They're big cocaine sellers. So you've got to look out. The Lookouts. You've got to look out. It doesn't make any sense. I think a Lookout's also like a really official name for a pervert that looks in your home and wants to take a shit. So the seventh inning stretch, what they do is anybody sitting in the seats, you have to get up and go to the concessions. Because if you're sitting there, a bunch of men dressed as police officers run out and just beat the life out of you.

Beat the life out of you. Or security guards for United Airlines. Are we talking topical? Wow. I hope my hot take is the hottest take of all. It's the hottest take. You know what I think they should have done is killed everybody in the plane. Yeah.

Yeah. Hot take. No lives matter. Hashtag no lives matter. You can't say that. Glenn strikes out swing and one out for the jumbo shrimp. Not good. Not good.

Not good. I just think that they are not trying. They're not digging. They're not fighting for that inch. He's swinging and he's missing. That's the definition of trying and not succeeding. That's worse. Oh, my God.

I thought you were not trying and not failing. No bat? Just the only batter ever in baseball with no bat? Yeah, what are you going to do? You're going to come out with just some big gloves? Maybe. And try to bat and just hit it with your hand? Do you legally have to have the bat or can you try to use your hand? I'm sure you have to do? You're going to come out with just some big gloves? Maybe. And try to bat and just hit it with your hand? Do you legally have to have the bat, or can you try to use your hand?

I'm sure you have to have the bat. The rules state that you must have a bat. The only guy who's using his hand is the manager's mentally handicapped son. All right, enough of that. Thank you, Henry. Very good. What about the catcher? Your career is ending right in front of our ears.

It's like inviting Uncle fucking Benny to Thanksgiving. Don't bring me into this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, cranberry sauce is what the natives like. in front of our ears. It's like inviting Uncle fucking Benny to Thanksgiving. Don't bring me into this. Cranberry sauce is what the Native Americans use to have sex with our ancestors. It does seem kind of funny if someone would try to kick the baseball though. Wouldn't it be?

I don't like this podcast anymore. I think technically this is the best it's ever been. I think it's probably one of the worst episodes we've ever had. I feel like we this podcast anymore. I think technically this is the best it's ever been. I think it's probably one of the worst episodes we've ever had. I feel like we're peaking. Yeah, pretty much. You might be peaking. I'm peaking on Bug and Molly.

Oh, my God. Can we do a segment? No, the Jumbo Shrimp for Snow Point. We have to go through the whole game? We're only in the bottom of the third. They are four hours long. And in minor league baseball, they do a full, like, they do a tribute to Selena or something around the fifth inning.

We can do a tribute to Selena. Yeah, the seventh inning stretch, they're going to announce the name of the jumbo shrimp mascot. Camula floor. I'm ready. Whoa. I'm ready. Yo, it's Selena.

Me, you're big and mean. Get you good and green. I take you to the scene. Okay, all right, Pete, please. Can we not? John Norwood has singled a ground ball to left fielder Travis Harrison. Brian Anderson to third. David Vidal to second.

It's bases loaded for the jumbo shrimp. They're going to choke. Oh, my God. They're going to choke. Why aren't you supporting the jumbo shrimp? Because they got to earn my love like my father said to me. You can't choke a shrimp. It's all neck.

Interesting. So you could choke it then. Oh, yeah. I guess that would make it very easy. No, I thought about it for literally four seconds. No, it's got a head. It's got a fucking neck. And we got a body.

There's no body. There's no neck. No, the problem is you got to rip out all the shrimp. What the hell is the shrimp then? You got to rip out its poopy track. That's actually a myth. That's the problem. You got to rip out its poopy track. That's actually a myth. That's the problem. You've got to rip out its poopy track.

You could eat it. Yeah. No, the top one. The bottom one's a vein. Top one's a poopy track. Nope. I thought it was poopies. I don't think shrimp poop.

Shrimp do poop. They poop. Every animal poops, yes. Have you read the stupid fucking book, Everybody Poops? I didn't read every shrimp poop. That is a children's book, so no, I did not, Henry. I don't go to Parson Oval and make a beeline straight for the children's section and sit there and read the big books. You got Everybody Poops?

You don't? You want to fucking try me? I want to see who else poops besides me. Very informative book indeed. It's everybody. I just want to get, are you there, God, it's me, Margaret. I think we need to do a book club together. That'd be fun. I could have two children's everybody. I just want to get Are You There, God, It's Me, Margaret. I think we need to do a book club together. That'd be fun.

I could talk about that. Those are two children's books. Yeah, but I've never actually read Are You There, God, It's Me, Margaret. But you live it. It sucks. She's just talking about her fucking period. It's like, God, why you make me bleed? And he's like, because I find it funny when women suffer.

And then the moon comes in. He's like, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. I drink the blood. I drink the blood. I drink the blood. See, that's a book I'd read. And then it's a prequel to Slutty Vampire School, which is a preteen, of course. Yeah, yeah. Where they're all just like, I want to eat your pussy.

I have a feeling deep inside it's a burning and a yearning. And I think it's called preteen horniness. I'm a werewolf and a hunk of a boy. I am a homosexual vampire. I'm a bat boy. I'm just a giant bat that also goes to school here.

And his name is Sergeant Scampi. I love Sergeant Scampi. Holden, you are engaged. Yes, I did it. I made the ultimate commitment. We know. Nothing is... Isn't it crazy though? though think of it think of all the people there You know it's like if you're single right now And you think Holden got engaged to a beautiful

Amazing woman Not only did he get engaged but she was like Desperate for it She was exuberant about it The stories that we know Oh yeah and the stories that we know When I had the fart and she asked if I needed a wipe, you know, that's.

Yeah. So, do you need a wipe? Cherishes you. Yes. She sees me. She's like your nurse, your hospice nurse. Absolutely. And I am an old man, essentially, at this point in my life.

Yeah, just waiting to die. Oh, I can't. Why did you bring up that story again? She's going to take the life insurance policy out of me. Honey, do you need a wipe? That blew my mind. Just immediate. Honey, you need a wipe.

I am disgusted. And I did wipe my pants later, and there was poopy in there. But I was still drunk, and I was in the hot sun. And her asking that question, I almost threw up on the street. I was really close to throwing up on the street. That was the guttural fart of my life. It was in front of everybody. It lasted forever. And Taylor Arndt

hits a grand slam! Yeah! We are the Jumbo Shrimp here to play a game! We are the Jumbo Shrimp here to play a game! Brian Anderson scores. David Vidal scores.

John Norwood scores. The Jumbo Shrimp are up 7-0 at the bottom of the third. The Jumbo Shrimp fans are the real winners here. That's my shrimp. Whose shrimp is it? It's my shrimp. Whose shrimp is it? It's my shrimp.

Give me that butt up. I have severe emotional problems. All right. That's good. And now it's time for a segment from Mom McGeeley. We did it. We did it. I've been trying to do this for weeks.

We got through an entire episode without doing a news story. That was a whole news story. That wasn't news. That was baseball. That was sports. That's a whole news story. That was a whole news story. That wasn't news. That was baseball. That was baseball. Technically, that was sports. That's a story. Talking baseball. Is this an actual song?

No, no. That is an actual song. Talking baseball. It's from Simpsons. Ew. Touch your tiny penis. Okay. All right.

Very good. Thank you. Do your segment. Did you come up with one? Yes, absolutely. It didn't even take a second to think about it. Everybody. It's been a pitch and change.

Cole Stewart is out of the game. Todd Van Steensel in to replace him for the Chattanooga Lookout. There you go. Well, we need a baseball team to truly rival the Jumbo Shrimp. And that is the team that we will all be sort of pulling out of our whole asses over the next five to ten minutes because I just came up with this segment just now. I will start. I'm going to go with it. I don't like this.

Just do. I don't know what this is. I'm going with the Mescatoncy Mr. Men, and they are men. Great. Where the hell is Mescatoncy Mr. Men and they are men. Where the hell is Mescatoncy? Mescatoncy is in the southern tip of Nintenson. Nintenson.

A pencil town of Hollywood where all the stars are made and people shine like a diamond. So that's all the segment is to just come up with a fake baseball team name. And what their seventh inning stretch will be like. For the Mr. Men, all of these.

So the mascot is just essentially a giant mustache with legs. That's cool. And the seventh inning stretch, a bunch of strong men come out and give very good massages to everybody. Okay. Rob, you did actually just like accidentally stumble upon like an H.P. Lovecraft thing

with Miskatani thing. That is true. What? Miskatani University. The old gods. What? It's not that shocking. Are you smarter?

No. He's smarter than the average bear? No, he's not. He just has like a Hulu board game, so that word is somewhere in his mind. Oh, okay. He has some smarter. I'm going to go for the

Hulu board game. Touch your little penis Alright, very good Baseball Mine is the Tacoma We're fucking your wives And what it is Is a group of

It's a baseball team It's fucking your wives? Is it one word? We're fucking your wives Tacoma We're fucking your wives And the whole thing is On the 17th stretch

They fuck the other team's wives Making cuckolds of them. Oh, I get it, too. Seventh inning stretch, because they're stretching out their fucking pussy. The alternative name is the Tacoma Gapers. I like them Gapers. All right. I'm going to go with the Washington Corgis.

Their legs are so small. Yes. And they're just Corgis. They're corgis. Their legs are so small. They're just corgis. They're up to bat. They crowd the plate. They get hit all the time and they go on base. Then they inevitably win. That's good. Seventh inning stretch is people singing for them.

And doing what corgis have to do during dog shows, which is humiliating. They lick. A people dog show would be fun humiliating. Yeah, they lick. No, they have to jump over stuff. A people dog show would be fun. And the dog leads the person. I think technically that's where slavery came from. No, I think it's just called Miss America, right?

Isn't that a human dog show? Yeah, I guess so. No, that's not a human dog show. But in Miss America. Dogs don't put on bikinis in dog shows. They should. Maybe they should. I'd be into it.

A dog bikini contest? It would be very controversial if the judges start feeling the woman's genitalia bikinis in dog shows. They should. Maybe they should. I'd be into it. A dog bikini contest? It would be very controversial if the judges start feeling the woman's genitalia to make sure it's like up to code. Ben, tell me you do not love this picture

of a chihuahua in an American flag bikini. I can't tell you that I don't love it. Pretty great. But I do have to say to your point, Henry, the only good point

you've made, judges at dog shows need to leave those dogs alone. Yeah. I mean, that's just a part of handling those dogs. They're supposed to have—I don't even know what they're feeling for. Yeah, exactly. What are they feeling for? Right.

To make sure it's healthy, but leave it alone. By what? Like, to see if it's, like, nutsack is big enough? No, to make sure it's not leaking. What? They do a whole— No, no, no. Wait a second.

Dog show judges need—first of all, they. No, no, no. Wait a second. Dog show judges need First of all, they don't wear gloves. Yeah. Wear a glove. Every good doctor wears a glove when doing such an act. Well, doctor is different

because a doctor is like an important position. So is a dog show judge. Yeah, but it's also strange. It's more for the dog. It's like doctors are people who work on people

where dog show judges should be wearing gloves to not get dog shit piss and cum on their own hands. Whatever the reason that they wear the... I don't know why. Let me just do my one. So you're going after one.

Wear the gloves. That's all I'm saying. You're going after the one that can beat the jumbo shrimp. I'm going with the With La Coochies, Hoochies, Coochies. You just fired it on my right with Coochies. Not a city, though. With the Gucci is a city in Florida. With the Gucci?

With the Gucci. With the Gucci is an Italian town. No, it's a Native American name in Florida. With the Gucci is Hoochie's Coochie's. Henry is the one who's crazy. She's right, the With the Gucci River. And so when they go up to- And With the Gucci means crooked.

Interesting. Which a Hoochie's Coochie means crooked. Interesting. Which a hoochie's coochie is. It sounds like a generalization bad thing about women is the fact that they're the ones with lakoochies. And when they go up against a jumbo shrimp, they say, you think you smell like seafood? They might be beating the jumbo shrimp. Yeah, I think they might beat the Jumbo Shrimp. It's that nobody beats the Jumbo Shrimp. Mega producer, Marcus Parks.

This is a historic episode. We didn't get to a news story. Yes. Also, no one wins. Sports news is still news. No one wins the segment. No one won the segment. I wouldn't call it news, though.

I would not call this news. It's not a pre-planned news story. Is it going to be covered on local news? We are covering it as it happens. I would not consider a broadcast of a sports game to be news. So technically this is a baseball show. Today it is.

Today it was a baseball show, yes. I think when you report a Grand Slam, that makes it news. I think if the Grand Slam doesn't happen, we don't have a story. What if it's a Denny's breakfast plate? That's different. Oh, that is news. It's like, oh, I got a Grand Slam.

That's not news. That's just you talking about how your future will be bleak because of the things you're putting in your body. Yeah. Moon's over Miami. We laughed and laughed and laughed at that as a child. And we're going gonna leave the game top of the fourth. Jumbo Shrimp

up 7-0 with the Chattanooga Lookouts at bat. So go check out last podcast the Left Webby Award nominee. We will not win. You think this is the right time to plug that? Yeah. Read my book. Takes one to fucking eat one, you sly

dog. Great title. Thank you. That's the whole title? Yeah. Henry and I did page seven together this week, and it's a lot like this, so go listen to it. Marcus, what's your stress level right now? About a nine.

Why is it so bad? You don't understand how awful you are as a family. No, no, we're fine. You're not fine. We're fine. We have a mental problem no we are in character yeah no but no and you guys are crushing that character thank you and the characters on netflix it has one star no now it has five thumbs up really oh yeah because thumbs ups are changed

they don't do and now i see they just tell you what percentage of a match the show is for your liking but they don't give you the rankings anymore which pisses me off hold on they changed it to a thumbs up system they changed it to ok cupid it's like this show is a 93 match for what you like that really yeah as opposed to giving me the rating and i want that on my netflix it's because you have an ancient yeah you have old netflix oh my you have a racist netflix i don't have an i don't have a racist. Oh my, I don't like that. You have racist Netflix. I don't have a racist Netflix. My Netflix is very woke. As a matter of fact. You gotta take the hood off that box.

Speaking of boxes, if you were... Alright, that's the program. Thanks for your compliments. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to CaveComedyRadio.com. CaveComedyRadio.com.