The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 326: Chihuahua Warriors

Episode Date: May 1, 2017

The gang is joined by Travis Irvine, Doug Austin, and Christina the Psychology Expert to weigh the pros and cons of getting drunk with your pet in a theme park, learn about a man who reacted badly to learning about the death of his rabbit, and to have their psychological shortcomings dissected.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. We gotta start! Huh? We gotta start! Oh, do you wanna start? Gentlemen, always civility. We got to start. Huh? We got to start. Oh, do you want to start?

Yeah. Oh, okay. Am I starting it? You're starting it. Okay. I'm beginning the round table of gentlemen. Don't be police. I'm sorry.

Order, or if you're going to ask for drugs, ask them if they're a cop first. Right? I think that's something that you have to do. You don't have to wear a Travis. You don't have to wear the headphones. Joining us today, Travis Irvine from Irvine, California. Hey everybody, you know when I want to buy a cop, I ask

him if he's drugged. And Doug Austin. Yeah, fuck the police. Yeah, Doug Austin, who doesn't even have a microphone of his own, is sitting, is from the Cowmen and Jackie's Never gonna die. Jackie's best boy. even have a microphone of his own is sitting is uh the cow from the cowman and of uh jackie's never gonna die jackie's best best boy best grip boy and i'm i'm holding uh mcneely and i'm uh i'm

here to start the show so you need to know how to start the show a little bit of hop and a little bit of go never don't stop it never gonna drop. If you know you're a big old pop. Good lord almighty. He made it a minute. He made it a minute in, Ben. Oh, that's amazing. Ben, that was horrible. How's the show going so far?

I introduced Travis and I introduced Doug. And then I said a little bit of something about love. It's a simple treat and it's easy for you. Just let out your duck and let out your goo. Do you know any white comedic rappers that have made it? I love to see comedians in the city. Remember, I mean, I don't want to blow up their spot too much, but there was one. Summer Jam.

I'm excited for summer. All right. This is the round table of gentlemen, everyone. Jackie Zebrowski is coming in here. The queen of the show. She's coming up. She don't know what to say. And she might be gay.

I'm so gay. Okay, very good, Jackie. Dude, I have fucking introduced every motherfucker in this motherfucking building. I think we have to edit all that out. Except for me. Okay, super producer Marcus Parks and another character on the show that would be PlayStation Network shout out.

Buckle in. Just in time for the PlayStation Network shout out. Buckle up, buckle in, and let it begin. I'm sing-songing today, Vin. Do you love it or do you love it, Vin? You know what? Is there a third option? Walking on broken glass.

Do not disrespect Annie Lennox like this. Dippy Sippy, by the way, there's a lot today, guys, so settle in. I finally got caught up on all of them. Dippy Sippy. You don't have a job. Yes, I am free to catch up on things like PlayStation Network shoutouts and play PlayerUnknown's Battlegrounds. Dippy Sippy. You don't have a job. Yes, I am free to catch up on things like PlayStation Network shout outs and play Player

Unknown's Battlegrounds. Dippy Sippy says, pretty sure I've become a little too immersed in CCR podcasts lately because I've been having sexy dreams about being Kissel. Ben, everyone. Yeah. Everyone. Well, I'm sorry about the nightmares. Seriously, though, you guys are so, oh, I guess that was a joke.

Seriously, though, you guys are so great, especially my was a joke Seriously though You guys are so great Especially my one true love Jackie And the fountain of knowledge That is Marcus And also My friend Brando Has to buy me a CCR t-shirt

If you read my shout out Before his So please tell Brando To suck it And I want Jackie Jackie's tank top Holdenators ho Angel G

Angel G 2002 says Holdenators ho Please PS shout-out. Shout-out to Ray and Melissa. Say what's up to Kevin Barnett and to the Texas boy Marcus. I'm from Dallas. Woo!

All right. Dallas, Indonesia. Corey Griffin says, PS shout-out. I'm looking for a lost cat. His name is Sneakers, and he's a gray tabby and about four pounds. Last seen when my bitch sister left the screen door open in 1998, so he may look a bit different now. Reward is one crisp $5 bill and a firm handshake.

Thanks! Callie Creepy Chick says, PlayStation shout-out big sister Callie Creepy Chick is going to whip that ass, Mr. Mint Chet. GTA all day, every day. I love you, Jackie. You the best queen bee. Ben, you're my favorite hottie. What you gotta say?

No, I just think there's something about the name Big Sister Callie that makes me want to jump her fucking bones. There you go. Creepy Callie Creepy Chick. Love your voice, Ben. Hail Creepy Chick on the left. Yeah, do you want to say hello to Callie Creepy Chick?

Hello! Well, that's the voice. I don't know if that's the voice. Yeah, do you want to say hello to Callie Creepy Chick? Hello! Well, that's the voice. I don't know if that's the voice. Hello! Welcome to the round table of gentlemen! No, it's Edson. Hello! That's Edson's mother. Hey, Eddie!

Come back for the show soon, Eddie! All right. Party underscore Poison 77 says, Can you tell my girlfriend she's the best? Party Poison 77, your girlfriend is the best. Brody the Coyote, oh, shout out. I need to know Ben Kissel's WrestleMania predictions. This is how old this shout out is.

This is over a month old. What are your WrestleMania predictions for next year? I'm in it. Marcus and I, we're called the Doughboys. And we go out there and we drown everyone in random yeast. And just so you guys know, listeners at home, Marcus, when he was saying woo, he was also throwing the guns up. Yeah.

He gets guns up. Well, he has to, otherwise he perishes forever. And I want to know the round table's shoe size. I'm a 10. I'm a 14. You're a 14? If I'm any smaller than a 14, it would be extremely strange. Yeah.

It'd be funny. You could push him over easy. Yeah, that's right. What would you say? I'm any smaller than a 14, it would be extremely strange. It'd be funny. You could push him over easy. Yeah, that's right. I'm an 8. That's what I say. That's what I am. 8 and a man's. And Marcus?

11. I knew Marcus was an 11. And what are you? I said 10 already. You fun bitch. Okay. You got small feet. Very small feet.

Marcus is not my round table of the year. Ho! Thank you so much. Wow, insults coming from people. Who did he put an alternative? He said me. No, he didn't say you. He said me.

He said me. Yeah, that's not, I mean, that's an implication, but that's definitely not an endorsement. This is also a person tweeting at you on Twitch, right? Or is it called Twitch? It's PlayStation Network. This is PlayStation Network, Ben. That is where people are sending me the private messages. I don't understand it.

3xBamp says, can I get a shout out to my favorite Saudi terrorist, Ali slash Brandon? Tell him his women's Crocs, Pokemon socks combinations are going to get him all the pussy he needs. Tell Marcus he became my favorite after meeting him after the St. Louis show. And tell Jackie that Holden needs to be on page seven full time oh put me up full time

all of those are written by hold also i'm sending this on my birthday well happy birthday three weeks ago triax bamf not underscore jordan 1231 says hold ho, yo, let's play Last of Us Remastered, and Jackie is one sexy piece of ass. Love you guys. I'll take it. Queen Sandals says, shout outs. Ho, Holden, I still love you, even though you took forever to respond to my, you slimy lizard, you Marcus. Thanks for all the work you put into research.

You got any new things in your shrine altar recently? Yeah. Okay. Kissel, you keep doing you. Thank you. When does this end? Is this over yet? You can do it halfway through the show.

Okay. You can pick up. More like a commercial break? Because you're so lazy, you weren't able to keep up with these in real time. Yeah. So now we all have to go through eight months of- That may or may not be true.

It is true. Get to them next week. Just next week you can catch up. I'll finish this one. I'll finish this one at least. Jackie, my boisterous queen, Ed, Y, and Henry, I know you can't hear this, but I like to lube you up and shoot you out of a human cannon

and do a bowl of peanut butter. Well, that is kind of fun. All right. Waterlogg23, I'll get to your shout-out next week. Waterlogg23? Yeah. The suspense is already killing me. All right. This is the roundtable.

Who's here? Jackie, you're here. You look great. Do I? The thing is, you know what, Kissel? You look really nice today. I'm trying to suck up to Kissel because I made him upset about something that was dumb. But you know what?

You didn't make me upset. Kissel, you're number one in my life. And every time I take a sip of a drink I cheers you in my brain. Well thank you very much. That's not mean. Kissel was a little mean and weird to me about getting beer. I wasn't mean or weird to you. You said I have money and then again you asked for the beer that I have to give my

roommate who has no money. I was like me have beer. I have dollar dollar. Now I have multiple mouths to feed. He was like go to the bar and I was like what? Go to the bar. He should have shown me where it was. I'm kind of on Ben's side on this one. Yeah. Thank you very much, Marcus.

I'm on his side, too, but I just wanted to bring it up. Good God. Travis Irvine is with us. I'm very excited to be here. You know, the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp had the number one highlight on SportsCenter the other night, and I had no one else to talk about it, so I came in on the show. What did he do? This is actually true. Travis woke me up in the

middle of the night. He said, Ben, you won't believe what happened because we are roommates. Then he drug me to the TV kicking and screaming and I watched the highlight and I had a feeling that we helped make that highlight possible. Number one. All the guy did was he just caught a ball that

he shouldn't have caught and then he fell into a pile of gravel. And that was it. It was the number one highlight. Chaos magic. Two, three, four. We are the Jumbo Shrimp. We're here to play a game. I think the Jumbo Shrimp should be allowed to pitch shrimps.

Wouldn't that be more exciting? Yeah, like a ball that's just a shrimp ball, and then when they hit it, it explodes, and everybody gets to eat free shrimp. That's fun, but then you also have to spray butter everywhere. Shrimp ball! I'd rather catch it in my mouth. Doug Austin is also with us.

Of course, I'm going to say the lead singer. I don't know what to do. He's from the Cowmen. I'm the handsome one. That is true. I would say Doug is the band leader. The band leader. Doug Austin of the Cowmen, who is actually, and the Cowmen, I believe, are working on some campaign song for the BK4BK.

This is going to be big. It's going to be real big. I already got my drum part all written. I would say Doug is the face and I am the ass. I would agree with that. They look at Doug's face and then they just shoot right down to my banging ass. That's right. And, of course, Marcus as the drummer is the heart.

My favorite part about BK for BK is that it makes me think about the chicken fries. Because you know what? Oh, that's right. They're dippable. That's going to help. I do remember that. That's a good idea. We'll have to use that.

We've got to get Burger King's endorsement for sure. I would love it. All right. Well, let's do a new script. Well, you wouldn't be loving it. That would be McDonald's. McDonald's. What is Burger King?

What is Burger King's actually? Yummy, yummy chicken fries. I like to dip them. Yeah, that's good. Cheat on your wife. Cheat on your husband, cheat on your husband. Come on down to... Have it your way.

Let's have it your way. Oh, that's right. Have it your way. That's right. The whole Whopper song. And they have that king guy. Pickles, whatever. All right, we also have Christina, the psychologist expert, psychology expert.

Wait, what? She is with us. For those that listened to the last podcast on the left, which I assume is a lot of people here who support CCR, she's not make-believe. She's not a talking cactus. She's actually a real person. And I do want to have her first, I guess, piece of audio ever recorded right here on Roundtable of Gentlemen to prove that Marcus isn't completely insane.

Actual audio. I've been in email correspondence with her for quite some months now, and she's a very nice person who's been helping us out a lot. Christina, are you going to come and diagnose all of us? Oh my goodness. Can you please make that the segment? Hi everybody. I'm not Marcus.

There it is. She's not Marcus. And Christina will be back. Christina, can you diagnose all of our mental illnesses by the end of the show? Yeah, sure. Yes. All right. That's the segment.

Holden, is that okay if that's the segment? It is technically your segment. We're all going to create a bong, but I guess we'll do that instead. Okay. All right. It's weird how Marcus always has to run in the room to pee whenever she goes to the microphone. I have to pee a lot. He does have to pee quite a bit.

News story? Yes. An Iowa man is behind bars after knocking a female hospital employee unconscious upon, quote, learning his pet rabbit had died. That is so sad. I am so sick of dead rabbit news. Did you see United?

Did you see this story? Yes. How sick are you? Now I feel like Kelly Ripa. Did you see this story? How sick are you? Now I feel like Kelly Ripa. Did you see this story? Can you believe it? And the crowd's like, we saw it, and we agree. The world's largest rabbit died on a United flight in carriage, like next to a bunch of luggage and stuff.

It's too cold down there for a rabbit. That's what it was. Rabbits are actually very sensitive. I work in an animal clinic. They can have a heart attack just from loud noises. They shouldn't actually be in a plane anyway. Especially the world's largest rabbit. His name was Simon.

That's a good rap. Well, you know my name is Simon and I like to do drawings and be a dead rabbit. The oldest SNL reference. I loved that segment. Yeah.

Have you rewatched that great sketch? It's so funny. It's horrendous. Main fault is it's always illustrations of how his dad is neglecting him. Yeah. It's so funny. And he talks about his bum. Yeah.

He talks about his funny bum. Austin Powers. Pretty good. Mike Myers. This rabbit. A talent. This rabbit who died in the United flight was three foot long.

Wow. Yeah, and it's from Warchstatt. It says the owner said, he was fit as a fiddle. I've sent rabbits around the world, nothing like this happened. Is that your Scottish accent? Fit as a fiddle. English. Is that English? I thought it was

a Scottish rabbit It could be Scottish Could be Scottish Yeah This is I mean United Has one of the worst Couple of weeks

Of all time For an airplane For an airliner For an airplane And an airliner Close it down For United They really seem to be

Fucking breaking The barn I mean at least There's no video of it Yeah Where they're like Dragging him out And he's kicking and bloody and screaming. You know what I mean?

That's a good point, Travis. Of course, they made sure to bring up the kicking and screaming thing during the dead rabbit story. They have to. They're like, duck season, rabbit season, duck season. An airport about Simon Semais said, after the viral video, no one wanted responsibility for killing what was to be the world's biggest rabbit. Oh, so it wasn't the world's biggest rabbit yet. It was on its way. It was three foot long rabbit. Oh, what a fun

time that is to be on your way to being the world's biggest rabbit as opposed to being the world's biggest rabbit and then you have nothing but pressure and a lot of people trying to buy for your spot as the world's biggest rabbit. Putting lipstick on you. Oh my gosh. Yeah, but I'd rather die on the way back home after doing it. Then you're on the high.

Yeah. Because beforehand, he's just upset and nervous. I think you can take the, why can't you take the rabbit with you on the flight? They take, small Pomeranians can go on there. It's a therapy rabbit. Well, the rabbit had been sold to somebody else. It was in transit to its new owner. The new owner did have a Curly Q mustache, too, so he was clearly an evil sort of.

The new owner was former Playboy model Annette, who once had plastic surgery to look like cartoon character Jessica Rabbit. No kidding. And she wanted the world's biggest rabbit? Yes, she wanted the world. Well, the rabbit was only 10 months old, and it was on its way to being the world's biggest rabbit. World's biggest rabbit is 4'4". His name is Darius. And he plays Delta?

What does he do? He plays wagon wheel. Wow, these things cost 5,000 pounds a year to keep. No kidding. And United Airlines said, we are reviewing this matter. Yep, they're not happy with it, or maybe they are. Maybe it's a great way to euthanize an animal. Just book them on United and send them over.

Yeah, it's very expensive, and I don't think that that's a good thing to do. Doug, you euthanize a lot of animals with your day job, which, you know what, Doug? You love it. I don't like that you do that. You scream about how much you enjoy it. When it's necessary, we give them the pink juice.

We sedate them. They're gone. They're happy. It's a better place. We don't put them down when they don't need to. When I see Doug on Thursday nights at Calman Russell, I go, Doug, how you doing? And he goes, great. I'm euthanized 100 animals today.

Oh, my. That's not good. And I go, are you serious? I would be sad. And he says, ah, the more the merrier. I love to see him die. Oh, no, Doug. That's a bunch of bullshit. Thank you.

Make him deny, deny, deny. How do you feel being complicit in the death of all the animals that your boyfriend, Doug, has killed? Actually, my favorite stories are when he's eating lunch and he's just like up against a bunch of like frozen bodies in trash bags because they

just throw, they freeze them, they throw them in trash bags and he has to sit amongst them when he eats lunch. And I guess we should clarify Doug works at the Humane Society, correct? This isn't a random. It's a non-kill shelter. We don't put them down unless they don't fucking need to be put down and they're begging for it.

It's a non-kill but you do kill. Let me see the floor. It's down and they're begging for it. It's a non-kill, but you do kill. Begging for it. Let me see the bags. I'm like a real Brett Hume over here. It's a mercy kill. A kill shelter means that they kill them after nobody wants them. Okay, well, they got like three months and then we kill them. A no-kill shelter keeps them.

They only euthanize pets when it's in their best interest to be euthanized. When they're asking for it. When they tap their foot twice. They gotta tap. You ask them, do you want to die? They tap their foot twice, and if they tap their foot twice, then Doug kills them. Isn't that something, Doug?

And do you ever find yourself tapping their foot for them? No. You ever meet a Pomeranian you don't like? Oh, my goodness. Pomeranian's looking at Jackie a little weird when she walks in to go give you a lunch, a little kiss. Just say people try to stretch the life out of these things for longer than they want to be alive.

Maybe you should fucking tap my paw twice because I'm ready to go. I believe that's probably true. Please. Oh, I've got another animal story. Yeah, we can do that. This one's a little cuter. Yeah, sure.

An intoxicated chihuahua. Aren't they all that? You know, they're always intoxicating, I'll tell you that. By the way, I watched Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2. I saw your tweet. I loved your tweet. If that movie is not phenomenal, the Chihuahua Warrior, what happens is the Chihuahua Warrior, what happens is the Chihuahua warrior,

way back in the Chihuahua chain, all Chihuahuas are warriors, as we've always said that, saves a baby from a snake. And it grabs that snake by the neck, and then that snake dies. And look at that, now we have a Chihuahua warrior. And throughout Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2, you would be surprised, or maybe you wouldn't be surprised if you're smart, how aggressive and courageous the Chihuahua is. And they're bringing in all different sizes and all different kinds of dogs, less Pomeranians than I would have liked to see. But holy shit, if you want to weep at the end of a movie, you watch Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2.

But you're not weeping because you're sad. You're weeping because, wow, they are Chihuahua warriors. And, Ben, let me back that ass up for thank you so much I wanted to watch it by the way I want to watch Santa pause, but you know what too many people involved fuck it anyway, I Taking a shit. I pulled up Twitter and So rarely do I do this I saw Ben's tweet about it, and I literally said it loud. That's a good one do I do this. I saw Ben's tweet about it and I literally said out loud, that's a good

one. That is a good one. I never do that, Ben. I hate Twitter. I despise it. But I was like, that's a good one. You should talk to my mother. My mother Googled Ben Kissel and started reading all of his tweets and she said, isn't he

running for some kind of political thing? Maybe he shouldn't be tweeting anymore. Oh my God. My mom knows nothing about it. Didn't they vote for Donald Trump? She told me it was a mistake. She admitted it was a mistake. I'm fairly certain you can tweet now

as a person who's running for public office. Oh, wow. There's a lot of backstage drama at Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2. Really? Well, first of all, Drew Barrymore did not want to come back as the voice of Chloe. Well, then why wouldn't she? Well, unknown reasons.

Unknown laziness, maybe. Drew Barrymore is tied to this movie? Oh, yeah. There's so many great actors. All the Barrymores. All the Barrymores. John Barrymore. Yeah, John Barrymore.

Jerry Moore. Boggins Barrymore, the one that's a little special. And they originally cast Carlos Alasracki as Papi. Okay, now that became George Lopez. Well, actually, George Lopez was the voice of Papi in the first one. Carlos Alasracki had done the voice for the Taco Bell, Yo Quiero Taco Bell. Rest in peace to that wonderful Chihuahua actor. So they thought that it would be fun to bring him back, to bring Carlos Alarraque in.

But the director, he decided that fans would be disappointed if it wasn't George Lopez in the second one coming back. So they said, Carlos Alarraque, do you mind if we go ahead and have George Lopez? Carlos said, great. Of course you have George Lopez. And you know, George Lopez, he was saying some controversial things, but you couldn't argue with his down-to-earth, salt of the earth kind of reasoning. Really a powerful scene. You're pro

George Lopez? As mouthing Beverly Hills Chihuahuas poppy? Absolutely. Oh man, Manuel the pack rat and Chico the iguana do not appear in the sequel, unfortunately. That was Mouthing Beverly Hills Chihuahuas poppy? Absolutely. Manuel the pack rat and Chico the iguana do not appear in the sequel, unfortunately. That was unfortunate. They were in the first one, but they didn't bring back Manuel and Chico. Yeah.

Well, I watched Secret Lives of Pets as well, and there was some iguana use in there. So if you are an iguana fan, you will notice that there are. I mean, we've talked about this extensively on Roundtable, actually, but iguanas are mean fuckers. Yeah. They'll whip you with their tail. They are not fun, friendly pets. And if you're trying to get your girl a fucking gift on Easter, stop getting them iguanas.

I'm sick of it. I agree. Absolutely sick of it. Oh, here's an iguana. It's your fucking... Our fourth week anniversary from banging. Right. Sick.

Starts with a wedding. Beverly Hills Chihuahua starts with a wedding whose wedding the Chihuahua Fun oh my god anyway, let's move they have a ring. Oh, yeah But is it like an anklet type thing or just go on their paw? You know what they didn't do the ring exchange, but you could tell they loved each other Well they were no there was an exchange of sort of, there was definitely an exchange of like, hey, you know, this makes it official kind of stuff. What were the vows?

Were there vows? Oh, yes. I'll give you a kibble. You give me kibble. You know, we'll be together. We sniff around. We'll get to the bits. Yeah, but kibble isn't good for dogs.

But you know what? What are you talking about? We're talking animals. I want to watch Pauly. Where's Pauly at? Why aren't we talking about Pauly? I think the real question here, too, before we to watch Pauly. Where's Pauly at? Why aren't we talking about Pauly? I think the real question here, too, before we get into Pauly, on a scale of 1 to 10, how hammered were you on this airplane watching Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2?

Oh, that was at home. I came home. He's at the end. He's got tissues. He is crying at Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2. And then I'm like, well, you should probably tweet about how much you love this movie. So it's you. No, and then he said, I already did, well, you should probably tweet about how much you love this movie. So it's you. No, and then he said, I already did.

Oh, okay. I already did. You'll cry while watching Pauly, though. Yeah, what the hell happens in Pauly? Pauly is a, it's a parrot movie starring Tony Shalhoub. What? Yes, Monk as Pauly the parrot. No, no, I thought it was Jay Moore.

Second time I heard that name this week. I'm pretty sure Jay Moore was the parrot. Jay Moore is the parrot. Tony Sh I heard that name this week. I'm pretty sure Jay Moore was the parrot. Jay Moore is the parrot. Tony Shalhoub is also in it. Is the guy. And then Gina Rowlands is the old woman who takes Paulie. And there's a little girl in the Pepsi commercials that played Marie. Hallie Eisenberg.

And Jay Moore actually plays two characters. He plays both Paulie and Benny. And he plays a guy, too. Look at that. Double characters. Dog centric. It's a that. Wow, double characters. Dog-centric. No, it's parrot-centric. It's a parrot.

Holly is fantastic, and it will bring tears to your eyes. Especially the Gina Rowlands part. Oh, wow, Jay Moore beat out Buddy Hackett for that part. Oh, that's not appropriate. That's tragic, actually. That's actually tragic. That's tragic. But Buddy Hackett did appear in the movie in a small role as Artie the pawnbroker.

Oh. And it is also his last movie. It is? Oh, what a lucky guy. The movie is fantastic. That's a great way to go. You do some of the best movies of all time, like Herbie the Love Bug, and then you get to die as a talking chihuahua.

Oh, wait. Is it a parrot? No, he actually got to die as a pawnbroker. He's a guy. Oh. That's kind of fun, taking parrot? No, he actually got to die as a pawnbroker. He's a guy. Oh. That's kind of fun, taking in goods and then selling them back to people. He loved Marie, and he was just trying to find her again. Uh-huh.

All right. You don't care. You're talking about Beverly Hills Chihuahua. You don't care about Polly. I don't know about Polly. You got to watch Polly. I watch Polly. Get back to me on it.

I will get back to you on it. Polly P-A-W, right? No, it's a parrot. It's just Pauly. Because I thought when she said, I don't know why. When she said Pauly. I want to see a dog remake. Yeah, when I Googled it, I actually did Google P-A-W-L-I-E because we were talking dog movies.

Is that a movie too? You went different species on this, Jackie. I'm sorry. It's because Bird Luger's on here and and I feel like I've got to represent. Somebody's got to have birds. We do have to have some birds. I miss Burnett. I'm sorry, Travis.

You're doing a great job in setting in for him, but I miss him. Oh, thank you so much. I'm trying so hard. Thank you, Jackie. We didn't even get to the chihuahua story that I got. We haven't even gotten to it yet. An intoxicated chihuahua has added to the cast. Oh, you know what?

You were watching the other night. Oh, thank you, Travis. An intoxicated chihuahua has added to the criminal troubles of its owner. Thomas Bloedel, 44. Jesus Christ. Tommy Bloedel. Oh, Tommy Bloedel. I know him well. T-Bloats.

T-Bloats. He was arrested Thursday after he was found to be drunk behind the wheel of his 2014 Subaru Outback. Bloatle slammed the SUV into a pole outside a suburban Pittsburgh home. Bloatle, cops say, was not alone at the time of the crash. The vehicle's other occupant was Maxwell, Bloatle's dog. And like his owner, Maxwell was also intoxicated. Don't worry, dude. We've been driving for a while. Here's what happened. And like his owner, Maxwell was also intoxicated. Don't worry, dude.

We've been driving for a while. Here's what happened. Who was driving? That's a good question. Put him down. Well, the canine investigators say laughed up vodka that had spilled from a bottle of Smirnoff that had been in Blodl's lap. And after cops stuffed Blodl into a cruiser, they returned to the Subaru where Maxwell was drinking the vodka that was spilled and pulled in the console. Oh, no Here's a picture of bloatle and Maxwell the Chihuahua. Oh

The Chihuahua. Oh the Chihuahua is not drunk. It's a cute Chihuahua The Goddle is bloaty. I will say that. Bloatle is very bloaty, yeah. The Chihuahua was subsequently transported to a veterinary office where staff noted that Maxwell's eyes were dilated and that the dog stumbled as he walked. And he was playing scratch-offs, and all it wanted to do was the slot machines. It wanted to go to Atlantic City and have a fun weekend.

It started chain-smoking. This drunk Chihuahua had good ideas. Good ideas. Good ideas. And it's a chihuahua warrior. A Pittsburgh resident was charged with DUI, animal cruelty, criminal mischief, careless driving, and making terroristic threats. Whoa. What's that one about?

Well, the latter count stemmed from bloatle allegedly threatening to kill various police officers. The criminal complaint notes that an aggravated bloatle allegedly threatening to kill various police officers the criminal complaint notes that an aggravated bloatle kept yelling monkey dicks and similar nonsense phrases while en route to jail terrorism yeah i think that's a bit uh it's a bit uh loose there with the terroristic threats don't you think going a bit far a bit far but you know i mean it would be fun to get drunk with the dog you love drive around i mean if if you were i mean you know, I mean, it would be fun to get drunk with the dog you love and drive around. I mean, if you were, I mean, you know, in a concealed area and you paid $1,500 to do it

or something like that, that could be a great time getting drunk with your favorite pooch. The pooch should never be drunk, though, because they're always kind of drunk because their brains are fun. It just sounded like the booze spilled and that the dog started drinking it, which of course he's going to do.

I don't think that that way. No, no, no, no. Nope. I'm against it. Jackie, you're getting belligerent. I'm against it. What you could do if you could make a theme park where you get people drunk and you have them safe quarters, Marcus.

Safe quarters. Bubbly roads. Bubbly roads. That sounds great. Bubbly roads. Bubbly walls. Yeah. And then you get to get drunk.

You just get drunk and drive around with your animal. Yeah. I mean, that's the world's most, bubbly walls. Yeah. And then you get to get drunk. You just get drunk and drive around with your animal. Yeah. I mean, that's the world's most fun thing to do. Yeah. I mean, you can get drunk, drive around with your animal. You don't have carb lunch. You are responsible for any and all damages, but damages are discouraged. It's not a demolition derby.

It's just driving around drunk, and you're responsible for your own safety, but you're not hurting anybody else. You buckle that up. You buckle it right up and you're in a concealed space and then you Uber or Lyft back. What if you don't have a dog? Can you rent a dog?

They provided Chihuahua for you. It should always be a Chihuahua too. But that's the other thing is that Chihuahua doesn't consent to being put in danger like that. Yeah, that's very true. Chihuahua is very particular to their owner. I don't think you can rent out Chihuahuas willy-nilly. I agree. I agree with that. That's the whole problem with that. They love one

and one only. That is the Chihuahua way and one of the things that make them one of the greatest goddamn animals. You know I was going to start yelling. You had your finger on the button right there. One of the greatest motherfucking conga, ahsucking dogs on the planet. I'm getting belligerent, people.

Woo! Drinking since I was 16! Chihuahua warriors. Wait, you didn't finish your sentence. What is the... I think he finished it. What was the dog that you were going to say? I got to call my mom.

I got to tell her what I gotta call my mom. I gotta tell her what I've been up to. Drinking. Getting engaged. She don't even know. What about golden doodles? They're a great dog.

How is the engagement going? Good. Yeah. It's still on? Yeah, it's definitely on. It's still on? Yeah. It's definitely on. It's never on the rocks. And how much are you complaining about it to your friends and family members? I'm fine with it these days, but we need to start the planning more. It's a big problem. Yeah.

Do you think when you got engaged Your life would get easier or I thought that Yeah I thought we were good For a while right But no you have to like immediately Figure out how to get all of your friends And family in a space And party

But make it emotional Wait a second you're saying that I'm belligerent But he's talking like this. I called myself belligerent five minutes ago. I don't know what happened to the guy. Wait, it seems like Christina's married. Christina, the psychology expert?

It's probably time to evaluate all of us. It's almost time to evaluate us. It's almost. Oh, really? How was your marriage? How was your, I guess, engagement? It was good. We actually got secretly married, like, what, three or four weeks after we got engaged. Then you don't need a partner.

You got married the same way I eat $30 worth of Taco Bell. Oh, that's no secret the next day. Yes. Well, thank you. And we'll see Christina later on the show. Right? Right, fellas? That's no secret the next day. Oh, my God. Hey, it's me. Yo, thank you. And we'll see Christina later on in the show. Right, fellas. See you the next day.

Oh my God. Oh my goodness. He wasn't in Beverly Hills Chihuahua. I could have been. All right. Well, let's move on here. So we've got some Chihuahua news. This guy, the terroristic threat stuff is absolutely insane. And that's why the Patriot Act

needs to be done away with, but you listen to more hot takes on A, Blinken's top half for everything political, because this man obviously is not a terrorist. Ooh, and if you'd like to know about comic books and video games, you should definitely listen to Wizard and the Bruiser. Yes, you should. I'm not going to plug it. You want me to plug it?

Listen to celebrity gossip and Jackie Zabrowski singing fun songs on page seven. And Travis, could we hear Doug killing an animal, please? Oh, that's right. If you like you too, then me and fucking plug in your iPod. Turn on the jams. You didn't plug anything. You didn't plug anything. But he did talk about plugging things in.

He talked about plugging. Right. If you have a healthy animal and you need to get rid of it, go to the humane shelter. Ask for Doug. It's a no-kill shelter. It seems like they kill a lot of animals.

I think they have to prove that the animal is deathly ill, or at the very least cannot be fixed. I'll kill the owner first, usually. I will. He's a violent, violent man. He's being scary. That's why I like him. Uh-oh.

Alright, well, I'm happy everyone's love life is in order. Is it? I have no idea. Is it, Jackie? So you're doing good, Holden, so far? She hasn't left you or anything like that? No, she is still 100% on board, and I'm home all the time now

I can't wait to be a part of this wedding I am home 100% of the time so we plan things about our day when we wake up and she sleeps in too late and I let her know that's good

that sounds so much fun. Can you imagine being woken up by Holden? No. Speaking of the devil, speaking of sleeping, Henry Zebrowski was telling us that you were complaining because the room is too bright at 2pm when you want to nap. Where? In your apartment.

In my apartment? It's too bright? Oh, during nap hours? No, I think that's fine, I think that's fine. I think that's fine. Give him a day job. He needs another day job. Like a video game store you can go to like 15 hours a week. Yeah, like Blockbuster.

Like a Blockbuster job. Yeah, like what they do with elderly people. Get them out of the house so they don't die. I miss working at Blockbuster. And you could get the nudie movies, too, if you had the cool manager. Mm-hmm. Five-day rentals. Oh.

And now it's time for a segment from Christina the Psychology Expert. Oh, my goodness. We're already doing it. We're already doing it. We're ready to diagnose us. Yeah, we started way too late, and the next show has a hard start.

Oh, my goodness. Okay, so this is Christina the Psychology Expert, and you're going to, I guess, diagnose all of our mental illnesses. You don't have to extrapolate too much, but just let us know what you think, and maybe we should start with Holden McNeely. Start with him. Okay, that one's kind of easy. I'm so sorry.

I would say that Holden maybe has a self-objects issue with his mother. So maybe not really separating the good mother and the bad mother and cohesively making it one. Hence mommy stuff. And I'm not going to say anything about Lexi because she sounds like a darling woman. She's so good. And she is new mommy, so it's fine.

Powerful stuff. Okay, now you haven't met Travis, but Travis is a very fun, self-motivated individual who ran for city council and Congress and a whole bunch of stuff and he's a comedian so yeah he's wacky. I don't know all comedians are depressed. I don't. Nailed it.

Alright. It is time for me. The last time I went to therapy I was 11 years old and I don't know what I said That was the last time you've been to therapy? I don't do therapy I'm against it

I'm against it He's never gonna be for it We've had many conversations I've given up I work it out That's what's so nice about being mild He likes to wallow That's been something

I don't wallow You wallow I figure it out You're not Christina Or are you? And I left that room when I was 11 years old and the psychiatrist the man he was crying

and he said I'll never see him again so that was the last time so you blacked out Jesus Christ and I think I told him everything true about his life

okay I guess going from like a self psychology theory sure you look for like idealizing and mirroring objects and it sounds like you did not have a good fit with your parents and their values, so now—

You don't know that about me, so it's like you're just sitting here and you're saying things. Ben, Ben, Ben. Ben, what are you doing? Ben, I just— You got—Christina, I'm sorry. It's okay. Ben, please continue. I was just going to say it worked out well because now you spend a lot of time being a peacekeeper and like...

You don't know anything about me, so it's like... That's very nice. I do try to be a peacekeeper. Yeah? Thank you. That was good. Cut the tension with a knife. That was good.

I really am enjoying this. All right. am I done? Am I off the choppy block? Thank you so much And so you do believe that I am a reasonable person Yeah Thank you Yeah If you would think like Ben Kissel

What would be your number one thing that you would say to him About his mental illness I mean I wouldn't necessarily call it a mental illness. Okay. I would say maybe, just from what weird stuff I know about you from listening to you on earphones, maybe not a great tolerance for conflict. That is very true. Wow.

That is very true. That is very true. Absolutely correct. Yeah, yeah. That's very true. That's very true. Wow, that is very true. That is very true. Absolutely correct. Yeah, yeah, that's very true. That's very true. He shit in his own tub. I did not actually do that. He shit in his own tub and then made a whole trial about it.

I mean, Trump didn't do it. He definitely shit in his own tub. That is powerful. You know what? I'm going to go to therapy. Do you do licensed therapy? Yeah, but that was like $300. That was $300.

You don't know me. You don't know the girl, man. Baby woman. She's coming to New York on vacation. She's making money. I'll Venmo you. Doug Austin loved to murder animals at an early age, open them up, see what their insides looked like,

dating Jackie. Which is also visceral. May or may not have blue drums filled with acid hidden in his apartment. And also a musician. May or may not have blue drums filled with acid hidden in his apartment. And also a musician. And a musician. He sounds fine. Yay!

Clear bill of health. Clear bill of health. I will use that against him. All right. All right. Before we get to Marcus, who you are involved in this segment, by the way. Yeah, I know. This is going to go on for a while.

Let's do Jackie. Jackie. I don't know, Christina, do you ever listen around the table? Yeah, yeah. Okay, so you know. I don't know. I think you're like self-actualized as fuck. Like you know what you want and what you need,

and you just do and say what you feel, which is awesome. Wow. I enjoy that very much, Christina. Also, I'm scared if I said something mean that you would just, like... Yeah, well, Doug is in between us, so I couldn't get to you that fast. I'd probably ball him first. You scared the psychologist. I've done it before.

We have two people in this room that have terrorized a psychologist. I was terrorized. It was a Christian psychologist. That doesn't count. I know. I was 11. My parents were evil. I know.

I know. So that's why I kind of freaked out on that individual. Big old man. Big fat dude. You're still acting out. I do not like that guy. He was just. He's fat. big old man big fat dude you're still acting out of it I do not like that guy he was just

he's fat but also you do have very different ideals from your parents and I feel that is a big part of your oh yes and I don't like conflict

no he does not like conflict he does that's true I like conversation and fun and that's why I'm going to be the best very true

president of all time BK for BK BK for BK baby but it's hard to be a politician that is shy from conflict. I don't shy from it. I try to calm it and stop it. I don't shy from it. I run to the fire and I try to put it out.

Okay, please, Christina. Marcus Parks. My mental disorders are well documented. Yes. That is true. I've never actually heard a psychiatrist talk about it, though. What is wrong with Marcus Parks? Oh, my gosh.

She's lost for words. I don't know. I mean, I think you have your shit together. I mean, as far as insight goes, particularly like what's going on in your life, you have an insane amount of it, which is super, super rare. And you, I guess, handle your shit. And you quit smoking. So you passed your Freud oral phase, so that's awesome. Well, no, I mean, I still vape all the time.

So it got like much worse. It's like a constant thing now. When you see someone like Marcus, do your eyes just like turn into dollar signs and they just like flip back in your head like a slot machine being, you know, telling the person's victorious who's sitting there? I mean, because he's big money for a psychotherapist. No, I work in a hospital

so as long as people aren't just like being Jesus, I don't really do stuff in my off time. You're talking about Holden. But where do you live? I live in Columbia, South Carolina. Hell yeah.

And what is your home address? Don't answer it. Wow, all right. Well, we all turned out to be okay. We're all fine. There you go. I think we're fine.

I quit smoking and now I suck on my fingers. Okay, I gotta ask. Has anyone ever made you cry when you were doing a session with them? Because they were so crazy? Well, like sad stuff.

I deal with a lot of people that have a ton of trauma. I was just a psychiatrist, so I mostly do medication management. But I've done therapy in the past, and it can be really hard, like trying to absorb other people's trauma without acting out yourself. There it is, a fun end to the show. That's great. Great question, Ben. Thank you. I liked it.

You answer if she cried. Why would you end the show with that? I think it's interesting. Yeah, that's not going to be a fun end. Two, three, four. We are the Jumbo Tren. I wasn't lying when I said it was a fun end to the show. I thought that was a fun end to the show. We are the Jumbo Tren. There to play a game. All right, that's the round table.

Oh! Thank you. All right, that's the round table. Thank you. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.