The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 328: We've Got Opinions

Episode Date: May 19, 2017

Marcus, Holden and Jackie are once again left to their own devices give us an update on the infamous Akron Pooper, discuss bribing cops with fast food, and to describe the evolution of Henry Zebrowski's fashion trends.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

I hate when people do that. I hate it. I'm so sick of internet. I just won the internet. I'm so sick of phrases like that. You know what else I'm fucking sick of? P fucking S. When people get engaged.

I need to talk to Lexi about this. When people get, I hope you're recording right now. When people get engaged and stuff and they say, you're my best friend. And I can't wait to do life with you or thank you for doing life with me. I'm so sick of those two phrases. Thank you for doing life with me. I'm so sick of it. Sounds like you're going to prison.

Yeah, right? Man, we in here together, man. What do you do in life with me? See, that's fine. In that context, I'm all a fucking baldy. You are doing life together. Yeah, if you're marrying your cellmate. And also, I'm so sick of referring to your lover as my best friend.

That means you have problems. You need to get a best friend, and your best friend needs to be different from your fucking lover. Quit calling your lover your best friend. That means you got no friends. That's all that means. That doesn't mean, oh, this person's so great. They're both my friend and my lover. That means no one else

Will hang out with you But the person You're fucking dicking And they're probably Stuck with you Because of some Fucking baby bullshit You know what I'm saying

Some wah wah It's always wah wah bullshit Holding on the round table Of gentlemen today A little judgy Woo I'm judgy As fuck as I sit home now

And I just look at the internet And I just see what people Are doing on the internet You know what I'm saying You've just been spending Too much time with me I think that's a problem. Judge, judge, judge, judge. Everybody's wrong

except for me. I'm like upset with what's happening in a weird way with the downfall of Trump right now only because it's making certain people that I despise very happy. You know what I'm saying? And I have to wait. I have to fucking make peace with that within myself

that I'm like happy for the greater good of the world of some fucking corrupt shits getting fucking pulled the rug out from. But there are certain people on the internet that are way too ecstatic right now. And I really liked it when they were sad and losing. I loved seeing it. Also, P-fucking-S. What I think that you're doing right now and something that I also hate that's on the internet now is that I think he's done adulting is what he's saying. Oh, you're done adulting. He's done adulting right now.

I think he is done adulting. Do not say adulting. No, not adulting for me. Do not say adulting. I think you are over adulting. All right, everybody, shut it down. Internet's closed today. I'm so sick of it, Marcus.

Done adulting. It's like everyone thinks they thought of that for the first time yesterday. Oh, I won the internet today. Oh, the saddest? When people are like, Luke Skywalker retweeted my tweet. I won the internet. Shut it down. It's like, dude, if that is really the best thing that's happened to you all year, that's fucked up.

You know what I'm saying? You know, a lot of people, that is the best thing that's the best thing that's a find the best friend away from your lover people that can't find friends that's what that's it piss on their dick I said it piss on your fucking ass I'd rather you scream the n-word to the high heavens then say I won the internet well we got a three-person roundtable today and we got things to say apparently we have opinions today abortions abortions uh we got jackie zabrowski and you know what i'm also angry about i wore i bought this sparkling water on the way here it's called raspberry rosé i bought it because it has a boozy word in the title.

And you know what it tastes like, rosé, except there's no booze in it, and so it's just disgusting. Damn. So you're just realizing you don't like the taste of rosé, bitch? And now that there's no booze in it. My favorite thing about Jackie is I can scream the word bitch at her, and she will just be like, you know,

that's my name! That's my name! And of course, Holden McNeely. Oh, fuck it all. Burn it to the ground. Holdenators. Oh! Gzz, gzz, gzz, gzz, gzz, gzz, gzz, gzz, gzz, gzz, gzz, gzz, gzz, gzz.

Oh, God, there's so many guns. Yeah, there's a lot of guns in here. We decided since there's only three of us, we can pass out the three guns that we keep inside the studio and clean them. Clean them, load them. She's got a bird gun, ladies and gentlemen. She's got the only bird gun we keep in the office. And you both are bracing yourselves. You see that I have my phone out.

You see that I have the screen on, and you know what's about to happen. I'm counting, and you get ten. Ten? It's only three of us. He gets three. There should be three. Dude, I'll do you one better. I'm doing's only three of us. He gets three. There should be three. Oh, dude, I'll do you one better. I'm doing nine.

Nine. Okay. Okay. Nine. Because I've kind of miffed up a little bit. I need to catch up on my messages. So this is actually just clearing out my backlog. Okay.

And by backlog, I mean the log of shit that's sticking out. Yes. You might get seven. All right. Do you know how long they are? They're all very long. Stubwolf says, Holdenator shout out. Holden.

Oh, by the way, this is PlayStation Network shout outs. And people are like, now that you're on PC, are you going to do Steam shout outs? Fuck no. Buy a PlayStation 4. Stand in line. Stubwolf says, Holdenator shout out. Holden, I need more Wizard and Bruiser. Last podcast on the left in Seattle was great.

How long ago was that, by the way? Man, that was like January. Also, someone fainted. CCR is too good, bitches. P.S. Lucas the Spicy has no neck. Brilu148 says, Holden, will you play

Farming Simulator 2017 with me? Just kidding. I seriously need a plowing. Ben, Jacko, I love you. Marcus Arians, you guys rock. Alexmore141 says, shout out to

Powder. Marcus rules. Okay, we're talking about how much I don't like the movie Powder. I think that we were all, right? It was the three of us that were talking about it. We were definitely, the three of us were discussing Powder because we also talked about how the director is a pedophile. Yes. And everyone was very

upset after they had already brought their children to the set of Powder. And then nobody had told them that the director was a convicted pedophile. Had been a convicted pedophile. Kick anyone that's different in the mud. Marcus rules. Ed rules. Jackie rules.

Holden rules. Ben loves Hitler. Oh, JK Ben. DXL is shit without you. Young Bill Cosby says, oh, yay. Ben is put on notice for ignoring the research behind Pizzagate, which ties into Franklin Credit Union scandal and being too liberal. Holden, I have a message for you.

Your parents aren't who you think they are. You were born of an egg, an egg born of my anus, which a priest just had. Blessed you are. The second coming with a u para underscore magic 27 says what's up cock polishers i finally got around to watching the characters and i realized henry and i have the exact same body is it bad that i'm happy about it also can the cowman play my 30th birthday with jackie dressed as skeleton dan i'll supply the equipment food and booze thank you guys for putting out the best podcast in the world you

guys are helping me through some shit show times. Holdenators. Oh! You got five there. That actually, that one was very long, so now you get eight. Okay. Jake writes, I think I still can get it in in time. Jake writes again.

Tell Kitay that she's fucking awesome for letting me gush in her woman hole until a kid fell out and that secretly, even though she says she's named after Ben Franklin, I think she really named him after Ben Kissel and I'm totally cool with it. Hell yeah. Hulk in a fez says I declare my undying love for you. Your lumpy reptilian bulges keep me warm at night while hiking. And do the bird impression. Ay! That shit makes me laugh so hard when

fucked off my face. Frisky Panda, who I do rounds with in Battlegrounds, actually. You tell Ben's big dreamy ass that there actually is a very famous comedic rapper named Lil Dicky. And 2160, for the final shout-out of the day, accept a, you're welcome, Ann, accept a PS shout-out via tweet to my BF Marco, a mailman who does not fuck dogs, but has heard every ep of TRTG. Call of the round table of gentlemen.

Call him a bedwetter or something cunty. Something cunty. I'm done. This has been your PlayStation Network's shout outs. We're still technically in them until I say we're done, and now we're done with them. We're done with them.

Woo! Woo! Gah, gah, gah, gah! Now, is it a gun for birds or a gun made of birds? Both. Made for them by them. Foo-boo bird guns.

They're foo-boo bird guns. Foo-boo bird guns. Hey, you want some motherfucking foo-boo bird guns? Cock, cock, cock, cock. Just squeezing the legs of a pigeon. It doesn't normally

make that sound, but it does when you squeeze its legs too hard. It doesn't normally make that sound But it does when you squeeze its legs too hard It'd be kind of fun if you loaded them up with eggs But then birds shot out of them Okay, yeah, sure We can shove some birds inside of another bird We can make up the rules as we go Yeah, we can do whatever we want

There's three people I got a pooper story Oh, well, Kissel's not here So don't give him any ideas Of course not Well, the notorious Akron Pooper appears to have been scared straight. It has been six months since the serial civic menace last defecated upon or in vehicles parked on the streets of Ohio's fifth largest city. Sounds like he was gay before, right?

Scared him straight. I was going to do that joke! I was going to do that joke! I was going to do that joke. I was going to do that joke. I was going to do that joke. Yeah, yeah. We high-fived. We high-fived you dogs listening to this at home or at work or at your funeral of your loved one. Yeah, that's a place to listen to this.

That's a good place to listen to this. Yeah, put a smile on your face. Sneak into the bathroom, give yourself a little Willy One Hand, and then listen to a couple minutes of the old R-T-O-D-B-D. Are you down with DBC? I don't know what the old R-T-O-D-B-D. Are you down with DBC? I don't know what the initials are for this show. Fubu Bird Gun. Fubu Bird Gun.

Correct me if I am wrong, Marcus, but the greatest song in a Disney film is Elephants on Parade from Dumbo. Elephants on Parade is pretty great. Here they come. Here they come. The elephants on parade, here they come. It's terrifying. No, I always went through that part. I couldn't watch it.

You couldn't watch it. It was too scary as a kid. Too scary as a kid. It's like the large marge of Disney films. Yeah, but I could watch it, but I couldn't watch the Elephant's Parade. There's still something highly disturbing about that sequence. It is. It's still creepy. I kind of like Under the Sea.

Okay. Yeah, that's a good one. That's interesting. A choice for you. Yeah, I really enjoyed The Little Mermaid Sea. Okay. That's a good one. That's interesting. A choice for you. Yeah, I really enjoyed The Little Mermaid. I mean, it's a great one. Oh, it's a great one. Yeah.

But now they're trying to do the whole live action one. I don't know how I feel about it. They're going to do a live action Little Mermaid? Or that's what Lindsay Lohan, she's trying to get them to make one and her be Ariel. Which, you know, I don't know if she can do it. What are they doing now, next live? They're doing Rent. I haven't seen any of the live

things. This is becoming page seven. I haven't seen any of the live musicals. I haven't seen any of the live musicals thus far. Well, what they're doing is they're doing a live Little Mermaid on ABC. That's what it is. Okay.

But another one's like, all right already with this. Why would they do Little Mermaid when they already have a live action musical for Aladdin and Lion King and all these other things that they could just film? Is there a live action Little Mermaid? It's only on ice. Yeah. Right? I don't even know if it is on ice.

Is it on ice? It wouldn't be on ice anymore. No. They had Frozen on ice. Totally Little Disney on ice. Yeah. Right? I don't even know if it is on ice. Is it on ice? It wouldn't be on ice anymore. No. They had Frozen on ice. Totally little Disney on ice. Little Mermaid. Still going? Yeah. Three shows coming up. Memphis, Tennessee. Let's go! That poor Ursula has got to get out there

and tromp around in that ice. She's got to be thin in a fat suit. But that would be awful as well. No, not if you're a good skater. Actually, she looks like a thin... Oh, she's a fat. Yeah. No, she's a thin in a fat suit But that would be awful as well No not if you're a good skater Actually she looks like a Oh she's a fat Yeah No she's a thin in a fat

Yeah she's a thin in a fat Because it's a big bulky costume I would really like to see An actual fat person do it though Cause that I think would be much harder Look at this Sebastian He looks like a fucking idiot Fuck that guy

Oh my god look at that He looks so dumb Yeah Oh. Fuck that guy. Oh, my God. Look at that. He looks so dumb. Yeah. Oh, Flounder's the worst. The legs are so long. Flounder is a, it's pretty much just Flounder from The Little Mermaid with really long lady legs. With the blue lady legs. I guess it's supposed to, like, blend in with the sea, but you're not in the sea, so.

But wait, does Ariel have, like, the fit the fit? Are her legs joined together as one? No, she's just got a little dress, as you see. Well, maybe it is two as one when she's the mermaid, but it looks like she just wears a long dress when she is the mermaid. I feel terrible for that Ariel, because in order to be an ice skater professionally, if you really want to go there and be in these shows, you've got to cut your own breasts off.

Because it works with the way the aerodynamics works. It's just like why men swimmers have to shave themselves completely clean. Yeah, mastectomies. It's forced mastectomies. But you know, for that paycheck, worth it. Now, would you roll around in the hay for a day with a fully shaved man?

With a fully shaved man? A absolutely shaved man. Is that a complete no-go? Is that a Jackie no-go? No. Or is that a Jackie yay-hay? I think it's a yay-hay, but the problem is, imagine how rashy he would get

if he's rolling around in the hay. That if he, like, threw half of hay day when I'm a yay-hay, he'd be like, no-tay, and then I'd fucking punch him in the face

and punch him in the face. Sounds like... You're gonna have sex with me. Sounds like you're fucking Nell. The A-Day and the Hay-Tay. Is that the one that's mute? Hay-Tay in the wheel. No she's very unmute.

She's the opposite of mute. But she has her own language that she discovered. Let me see if I can find some examples. I've never seen Nell. Worst date I've ever been on. I've told this story before. We saw Nell. It was bad.

I put my arm around the girl. She leaned forward until I took it away. So, yeah, it was brutal. I do have some examples of the Nell speech here. Let's hear some of it. This is how you speak, Golden. You have to watch this movie. Jodie Foster's greatest performance

she's a feral woman she was found in the woods no they don't make these sounds What? This isn't drama. She's a feral woman. She was found in the woods. No, they don't make these sounds. They just go... I know, but for the movie... What the fuck is that? That is what I would be if he stopped fucking me in the hay. But look, there's even a sex scene.

Crazy. Crazy. I'm crazy. I love Nell. Now, in hindsight, back in the day, it was a symbol of a sadness for me and my really bad date. But it has since become a treasure in my life. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you take a violently sad moment from your life and turn it into a positive. Yeah, you laugh at it.

You laugh at your life and you say, hey, life, don't be bad. Don't get me mad. I just won the Internet. Hey, Danny. Hey, Danny. Stop it now. Danny. Now say your words, girl.

What's that now? You want three cheeseburgers. Fries. Five. Oh, she could use the word. She knows how to say fries. She's learning how to say words. Ordering food at McDonald's has allowed her to finally use human words.

Well, back to the mystery pooper. Oh, yeah. We got to get there now. Well, investigators believe that the suspect, a middle-aged white male, is responsible for the vile vandalizing of at least 20 autos since 2012. The Akron pooper usually struck in the pre-dawn hours in the city's Castle Holmes neighborhood. In early March, cops circulated an image of the suspect, which was snapped by a man whose

daughter's vehicle had been pooped on several times. This is that photo right there. That's mid-shit. Yeah. Why didn't he do something about it? Why didn't the guy do something? I don't know, man. If a guy's shitting on your car, are you going to approach him?

With a bat, yeah. What is he going to do? Fling the shit at you? That's the worst that's going to happen. That's worse. That's bad. That's bad. That's a bad thing to happen. I think that's the one thing I would say on my list of things I don't want to have happen to me.

A person throwing human shit at me. Yeah, but what if you shit while they're shitting and then you have shit? You're armed as well. Yeah, but you can't shit on command, can you? Sure. Have you ever tried? No. Do you want me to try right now?

All right, we're all waiting. Jackie is limbered up. She's squatting in the corner. Don't look at me. I'm trying not to. You said you wanted to do this. If you can't do it while we're looking at you, how are you going to expect to do it when there's a guy that's already shitting on your car?

You're right, but maybe if it's like yawning, you seeing somebody shit immediately makes you shit. And he's probably screaming at you the whole time i'm shitting well i told you this story when i was coming out of the um in train at time square uh it was a very tiny corridor going up the stairs very large bearded guy with bald head uh homeless man was squatting you had to you had to almost brush an arm against him to get by him because he was in this, the tiniest corridor and it was rush hour.

So it was just a shitload of people going up and, um, I'm walking by and everyone's just like, Oh my God. You know? Cause like we just see, he's just run. He's,

he is fucking runny shitting, like splattering all over the place. It was so gross. And you had to get, cause once you're in too deep in the stairs, there's no turning back. Everyone during rush hour, everyone is moving in one. it's like one human centipede out of there and uh i remember on my way out i guess some woman said something like you should be ashamed

of yourself or something like that now all i heard him go is go no one cares about me lady and i just was like i was horrified and all of a sudden I'm also laughing. And that is New York, because that is like, because honestly, that like, I was just like, you know, like you just don't want to see anything like that ever in your life. But no one cares about me, lady, was phenomenal. I mean, it's kind of true, because like you look at it and you go, ugh, and then you keep going and you go on with the rest of your day. You're not going to ask him, how are you?

Is everything okay? Yeah, you can't do that. No, you wouldn't do that. No one cares about him, only the liquid shit that's coming out of his ass. He's probably straight out of Bellevue, you know? Can't keep him tied down. Could you imagine being an insane person in this city? Oh, yeah, you probably could.

Wrong person asked that question. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fries! Just want to be Nell now. Yeah. I mean, we all want to in a certain way. Yeah. Because she not know

what you need know now. Was that Liam Neeson? Yeah, I think her and Liam Neeson fuck in that movie. And it was set in Charlotte. I don't know about that, Marcus. Well, there is,

I did see a scene in which there were two people naked, Nell and another man, naked in a pool. It was just a thumbnail you were afraid to click on? No, no, it was just in the video. It was in the video we were just watching. Um. She's all wet, but she's got all of her clothes on.

I don't think they have sex with the feral girl. I don't know. That just doesn't sound, I mean, I don't know. Nell has sex, has produced nothing. Aww. Nell, sex scene. I don't think it happened. I, I, don't know. Nell has sex, has produced nothing. Oh. Nell sex scene. I don't think it happened. Ooh, Nell 2-3 movie clip, making love. Ew, don't call it making love.

It's not making love if she's feral. I'm sorry. It's making sex. You're having sex with a feral person. You can't make love with a feral person. No. That's my stance. There's only, because they're closest to an animal,

so there's only procreation. Did she draw that picture? No, no, it's Liam Neeson showing Nell a book called The Art of Sensuality because she knows nothing about sex, so they're trying to give her sex education. Okay, so I think this is a good

writing prompt for our Roundtable listeners to post on sex education. Okay, so I think this is a good writing prompt for our Roundtable listeners to post on Facebook. Writing prompt, Nell Liam Neeson sex scene. Let's get that. Or just fanfic. Yeah, Nell fanfic, but we definitely need some sort of sexual intercourse to happen in it involving Nell and Liam Neeson.

Maybe he's in the corner watching. There absolutely is one. Oh, wow, fanfic. Yeah Maybe he's in the corner watching. There absolutely is one. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's Jodie Foster naked. No, there was an absolute scene with this. Press! Well, she's naked, but she's not having sex. She's naked with Liam Neeson.

She's a feral woman, though, so she... Wouldn't that be R? She was naked a lot in that movie. Nell did all the classic, I'm trying to get an Oscar mistakes for this movie, by the way, Jodie Foster she got naked multiple times she acted you know

essentially special needs you know she went can I still say went full retard or can I not say fucking that anymore you tell me lobbyists I'm okay with it you tell me liberal America what do you want from me oh take, take everything.

Take my soul. Take all that I have. Oh, my God. She went full recharge. And she did so while also showing her tits. And that is the worst thing you can possibly do. Wait, so she did get it or she didn't get it? I don't think she got pulled up in her.

I don't think she... No, I'm not asking pulled up in her. Did she win think she... No, I'm not asking pulled up in her. Did she win the Oscar? No, of course not. That was a bad movie. And it was actually shot in Charlotte, North Carolina. That's another reason why I went to the film. She did actually...

It got quite a few awards. She was nominated for an Oscar for Best Actress for that. She went full Richard. Did she win? Did she win? She did not win, but she was still nominated. She was also nominated for Golden Globe, Best Performance, and Best Motion Picture. She won the SAG Award for Best Actress.

Interesting. Well, no one cares about those awards. No, not at all. And nominated for the 1995 MTV Movie TV Awards. See that? Now that. That's cool. Best Kiss?

She did not get nominated for best kiss. I believe there was a Spider-Man kiss in Nell, if I do recall, where she's dangling from a tree. Because that's where she lives.

Yeah, violently shoving things in her vagina because she's so confused and feral. But yeah, they share a cute... She's making her nest inside her vagina. Yeah, she's putting a nest.

She's putting another bird's eggs in there, which calls back to the bird gun. Callback city. Foo-boo, bird gun, foo-boo, bird gun, foo-boo. Now, that year, Sandra Bullock beat her for speed. Yeah, wow. Sandra Bullock won an Oscar for her speed?

No, she won MTV Movie Award. Oh, thank God. Thank God. No, she won an Oscar for The Blind Side. Yeah, yes, which makes more sense because that's like a going for an Oscar movie. I don't agree with it or whatever. This has become page seven again.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, that was Sandra Bullock, Jamie Lee Curtis for True Lies, Nell, Jodie Foster, Meg Ryan for When a Man Loves a Woman, and Uma Thurman in Pulp a Woman. Oh, my God. She loved an alcoholic. No, she was the alcoholic.

I don't know. I think she was the alcoholic. I think you were drunk when you watched that movie, and that's why you can't remember. No, because it's a great spin around. Have the woman be the alcoholic? Right. That is a fun twist. And there was also an award for most desirable female and most desirable male. Back then, yeah.

Back then, yeah, yeah, yeah. And now they can't do it anymore? Sandra Bullock also got most desirable female. Really? Because I just never thought she was, you know, bone worthy. I thought she was bone worthy. You jerked off to Sandra Bullock? I didn't jerk off to her, but I was like, oh, what a cutie.

So desirable, desirable? I guess that could mean many things. That was like, oh, what a cutie. So desirable, desirable? I guess that could mean many things. That could mean, oh, we could just hang out, have a bottle of wine. That's not what desirable means. Right? They may as well call it, like, I want to fuck this. Yeah. That's what the category should be called.

Brad Pitt won for Interview with the Vampire. See? That makes a lot more fucking sense. I would go with Tom Cruise from Interview with the Vampire for Desirable Woman over fucking Sandra Bullock. Well, Tom Cruise was also nominated for Most Desirable Male. Okay. Yeah, and Andy Garcia from When a Man Loves a Woman. I mean, he was hot.

He took care of the whole family. And now that we've spent some time on Jackie's show, we will be talking about Metroid for the next 15 minutes. Sorry, Jackie. Super Metroid for the Super Nintendo. Very good game. It came out, the Super Nintendo. Very good game. It came out and it was a very good game. Super Metroid was also a very good game as well. I need to go get five more jizzies.

They use Super Metroid in video game colleges in order to teach proper level design. I am a robot. Why are you a robot? No, the robot's going crazy. Oh, my God. The robot's attacking me. No, the robot's gone crazy. Oh, my God. The robot's attacking me. Go, go, go, go. Oh, no, the robot has bird guns?

Where would she get those guns, and why do they shoot birds? A Washington State driver made a big mistake when he allegedly tried to bribe a police officer with fast food when the officer noticed drugs in his car. Awesome. Yeah, the cop noticed that it was cocaine, and the guy said, I can hook you up with some Taco Bell. Oh, Taco Bell. I was about to ask. I was going to say, because if it was Arby's,

he definitely wouldn't have gotten away with it. Taco Bell, same thing. Unless he's just offering extra fire sauce packets, I could see that. What fast food would make you, Marcus and Jackie, the horny police officers in the hilarious sitcom,

Horny Police Officers featuring Jackie and Marcus, what fast food will you be bribed with? Chick-fil-A. Yeah, I was going to say Chick-fil-A too. That's why we're partners. We just eat extra Chick-fil-A. We wouldn't be so goddamn horny all the time. Get some of that good Christian chicken.

Oh, yeah, they hate homosexuals, but, you know, they make great chicken. That's the problem. That is the—it's like— Well, actually, they walked back the whole homosexual. Oh, they threw a bunch of money at the problem. Yeah. Oh, they threw a bunch of money at it? Yeah, they threw a bunch of money at it.

They did. They took a little shuffle back on it, right? So we can now not feel—I mean, I was still going to probably eat it, but we can now not feel bad about it. I ate it not four days ago. God, I love it. Yeah. I think every time I go home, probably eat it, but we could now not feel bad about it. I ate it not four days ago. God, I love it. Yeah. I think every time I go home, I eat it multiple times a day. I go out for secret Chick-fil-A runs in between all the meals my mom makes me.

It's so good. Well, that's disturbing. Don't think about it too hard. Because your mother makes the—I've had the meals your mother makes. You just do it. You just got to get the Chick-fil-A in you. We had it for breakfast back in Texas. It was yummy.

Fantastic. Yummy, yummy, yummy. We got the mini biscuits. Oh, I love mini biscuits and their hash browns. Gotta fucking love Chick-fil-A. I don't even think I've had a Chick-fil-A breakfast. You are crazy. All right.

Okay, okay. I do not like to have insults thrown at me. Which one's your favorite sauce? Jimmy John's. I'm talking about sauces at Chick-fil-A. Roasted pepper. I'm more Chick-fil-A sauce. I'm going to go with honey mustard probably.

You fucking piece of shit. I go no sauce at all, man. Just give me the straight chicken. Also, just the ketchup too. Just good ketchup with them nuggets. I like the nuggets a lot. My problem is I looked up the recipe for the Chick-fil-A sauce. I made a vat of the Chick-fil-A sauce in my home, and I poured it on everything. And then I decided I'm not allowed to make the Chick-fil-A sauce anymore.

It's too much. Oh, it's so good. It's like mayo and barbecue sauce. Okay. With like little Worcestershires in there. I mean, it's just, it's the best. That's like mayo and barbecue sauce. Okay. So like a little Worcestershire's in there. I mean, it's just, it's the best. That's fine. That's fine.

I mean, it's no horsey sauce. No. I mean, horsey sauce is obviously the top fast food condiment. Why would yours be Jimmy John's horny cop? You horny cop for Jimmy John's. Oh, I came on the sandwiches. Now it really is a tasty turkey. My horny cop.

Okay, A, does Jimmy John's count as fast food? Yes. It's pretty fast. Okay, cool. Jimmy John's counts as fast food. Burger King. Fuck everybody. Burger King.

It is the one thing I order when I am on a road trip. It is the one thing I crave. It's the only fast food I eat anymore, and I only do it on road trips, and I cannot get enough of it. Now, you eat the shit out of Chipotle. That is a step above fast food. You think so? Yes, it's one step above.

It costs more. It does cost more, but I don't know. It's not any better than Taco Bell. It just costs more. Chipotle, yes. If I see Chipotle, a weird rush comes over me i feel compelled to walk in and order a burrito with steak rice um fajita no beans sour cream medium and mild with a side of hot on so i get all three sauces beside hot no guac uh cheese a little bit

of lettuce oh and then you get uh the, and you dip them in the hot sauce, and a small soda. Wait, so you say no beans because that'll make you farty? Yes. Like everything else won't, but the beans are too much? I don't know why. I just like just the fajita. They used to serve it as a burrito,

and then they changed it. They called it the fajita burrito. You didn't get beans. You got the fajita. I just like rice and the onions and peppers. I think the beans Bean it up too much And I can't enjoy The other ingredients

The beans make it a goosh I want to taste All the different ingredients At the same time And then The uh Driplets that collect At the end

God Oh Chasing the dragon That's what I usually call A chasing the dragon Anytime there's a sauce Yeah That goes down to the end

Of a nub To the very bottom And it's the collection Of all You chase the dragon. Oh, my God, it's so good. It makes me fucking want to, oh, man, I literally about to rip my shirt off

and run outside and find a Chipotle. He's a horny cop. He's a horny cop and he needs his Chipotle. Yeah, if someone offers me a Chipotle to get out of a speeding ticket, I blow them. And that's the horniest cop move a horny cop can make. Hi, horny cop. Welcome to Chipotle, man.

Take your order. What would you like today? I'm sorry. You can't get out of the speeding ticket. No beans on it. No beans on it. Oh, man. And when they say they're out of steak, you better fucking lock the doors, brother.

You better get the fuck out of it. No, they want you out. They're not going to lock the doors. You'll be inside. They're not locked in with me. I'm in there with them. I think it's supposed to be. That's how I meant it.

That's how I meant it. Hell yeah. Move on to a new story. A West Virginia man told police that after breaking into his grandmother's house to recharge his phone, he stole the home security system because he did not want the victim to see video of him masturbating inside her home oh god tristan tucker 27 was charged thursday with the burglary of his relative's home in saint albans uh a city 10 miles west of charleston he's being held in county jail tucker turned himself in after learning that police were seeking to question him about the April 23rd incident.

After waving his Miranda rights, Tucker reportedly copped to breaking out a window to enter the home. Tucker claimed that he entered the home to charge his cell phone, adding that while he was doing that, he started watching porn on the phone. Masturbation followed, and since he did not want his grandmother to review surveillance video that showed him pleasuring himself in her home, Tucker said he stole the security cameras and the DVR box and then stomped on the items before tossing them into a river. Why did he get rid of everything? I feel like there was one component to get rid of or easily go back.

Go into the bathroom. This is a picture of the guy, right? What's wrong with his face? All right. First of all, I have to say this. If you are planning on naming your kid Tristan or have named your kid Tristan, you should probably be, I don't want to say shot. That's drastic.

Shot and killed or just shot? Just strung up for a week. I think you die, though. No, no, no, you feed them and everything. You just string them up. You just rope them up to a fence, a wooden fence. Crucify them. No, no, no, because that would involve the nails. You just rope them up. You just rope them up to a fence a wooden fence Crucify them. No, no, no.

Because that would involve the nails. You just rope them up. You cheat it. That's how they usually the nails are actually a rare thing. They usually just

roped them up there. Tie them Okay. Water board them. Tie them to a Yeah, tie them to a pole or a fence where he's comfortable

or her it's probably a her actually, never mind. The mother would probably name the Tristan. Attached to a fence somehow with rope or chains whatever's comfortable or her. It's probably a her, actually. Never mind. The mother would probably name the Tristan. Attached to a fence somehow with rope or chains. Whatever's comfortable, though. A nice time of year because they're going to be outside

or inside air condition. I'm trying to say... Nylon rope. Use some of the rope that you can buy at the S&M store. That stuff is very comfortable. There you go. There you go. Yeah, and lube them up, too.

Lubed up. Fully lubed. Put some sunscreen on them because you don't want them to get too burned. Sure, I don't want them to get too burned. I'm not talking about like torture. I'm saying, well, too much torture. String them up. Tie them up, but make sure they're comfortable.

Make sure they're well fed. And then people come by and laugh at you and stuff like that. And just make fun of you for like a fun week. Except in Legends of the Fall when Brad Pitt's name is Tristan and that's really fucking sexy. How is that sexy? Because Brad Pitt, it has nothing to do with the name It has nothing to do with the name Tristan takes him down a couple notches

On a horse? On a horse Well that's the thing, he has to ride the horse to be named Tristan I mean I think if you're a horse rider You are allowed to be named whatever Sure, you can be named Lorax. Do you have, like, did a Tristan, like, touch your pee-pees? No, I just think that Tristan is a shit name for shit bag people.

No, it's a Tristan. It's a Shakespearean name. Tristan and he sold it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he sold it. Yeah, if you say it like that, Tristan and he sold it. No one says it like that. You have to meet a magical Italian man.

Italian way. No one says it like that. You have to meet a magical Italian man. Oh, my God. Fries. Oh, my God. She's humping that can of french fries. Why are there french fries in a can? That doesn't make any sense.

You crazy man. This is not Shakespeare. It's 12th century Anglo-Norman literature. There you go. Tristan and Isolde! Oh, Tristan? Oh, me name's Tristan. Ooh, I learned a couple of dances yesterday.

Mama. He says mama too, by the way. He says mama when, you know, Tristan says mama. Ooh, let me show you the new flips I've learned. Ooh. My shoes are too small for my feet, but I like it because they make my feet smoother. Oh, I want to

be a gay show when I grow up. Tiny feet. I'll tell you what, if you were a very successful ballet man, what do you call a ballet man? Ballets. They're all ballet. A ballet What do you call a ballet man? Ballets. They're all ballet. Ballets.

Ballets. Ballets. If you become a ballet, you can be named Tristan. Other than that, you should not be named Tristan. Well, the most famous Tristan is Tristan Thomas, a Canadian professional basketball player. Yeah, well, Canada's known for its basketball, isn't it? Yeah, first of all, is Canada known for its basketball? Second of all, they refer to him as Thomas.

Do they? I'm fucking 8% sure of it. They go, Thomas, number 99, Thomas over there, because that's what's on the back of his jersey. Doesn't count for a basketball player or a football player. What about Tristan Zara, French avant-garde poet? Yuck. That works a little bit better.

There's no marionette involved or a ballet, but it works a little bit better. As long as the word avant-garde is part of it, I think it's fine. Avant-garde definitely helps the Tristan. Tristan Wilds, the kid that played Michael on The Wire. Oh, really? That's it. That's what's changing. That's just heartbreaking to me.

He's great. Oh, he's British, too. He's just heartbreaking to me. That's just heartbreaking. He's great. Oh, he's British, too. He's British. See, that makes more sense. Tiny feet. He's awesome. But what about Tristan Prettyman?

Tristan Prettyman. That sounds like Holden's alter ego. It's Tristan Prettyman. See, you won't see, boys and girls. I just imagine you this size of a gummy bear bear and you just like bounce all over the room. And I never stop bouncing. He never stops. Tristan Prettyman is an American singer-songwriter and former Roxy model.

Okay, interesting. Oh, great. Roxy model. Yeah. All of that makes sense, by the way. That makes so much sense. And that is a fake name. That is a, I just got to New York, what's my new name now?

For the new person that I get to be when I am now in New York. I never what? You never went into PacSun? You never bought anything in a PacSun? Isn't that where all the Roxy was sold? PacSun? Remember PacSun? Pacific Sunwear.

Oh. I used to shop at PacSun all the time in high school. I shopped at PacSun all the time. Loved it. Oh, I thought it was like the Roxy, the time in high school. I showed up at Paxton all the time. Loved it. Oh, I thought it was like the Roxy, like the New York nightclub. No, no, no, no. Roxy the, I think. I think it's like the surfer wear.

Quicksilver, Roxy billabong. No. These are the things I know that boys wear. Big Johnson shirts. I know those. Bear whiz bear. Or bear whiz beer shirts. I know those. Bear Whiz Bear. Or Bear Whiz Beer shirts. God, those great big Johnson shirts that you only were allowed to wear inside the house

from the hours of midnight to two in the morning. What about the No Fear shirts? Remember those Henry had a bunch of those No Fear shirts with the dumb eyes on the back? Henry's, the evolution of Henry's style. Well, I was telling this on my stream the other day about Henry's, oh, my God, I'm covered in ants story. And back when he was wearing a dashiki, a.k.a. a muumuu in cowboy boots as his only form, only form of clothing. And hopefully underwear. Hopefully.

We'll never know. Yeah, he usually had his tiny underwear on. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. It was unbelievable. And the largest he's ever been. So if you could imagine Henry in a dashiki in cowboy boots, it was the weirdest form of racism I've ever witnessed.

But he was allowed to do it because fat men get away with more. Yeah, they get away with more. But you could also just say that's a muumuu, because a muumuu and a dashiki are pretty similar. Very similar. Although his was fairly African. Yes, it was like his African. It was definitely like, I am wearing

an African garb. Was he like super into African stuff? No, he was super into... He was very high. He was more that he was very into being comfortable and very into looking like a complete asshole. Like honestly,

we had to sit him down and ask him to stop. Well, because after the dashiki, he went into the Hawaiian shirts. Yeah, it was the Hawaiian shirts. But that's every comedian, every improv sketch comedy person goes through a fucking Hawaiian shirt phase. And he's kind of coming back to it, too. He's wearing, like, half Hawaiian shirts now. Yeah, but he's getting fancy Hawaiian shirts now,

so that's the difference. Not Hawaiian shirts from PacSun. Yeah, so not, like like thrift store Hawaiian shirts. I'm glad that we talked about his fashion. I love how observant we are of Henry's fashion. It is true. It's always evolving. You never know what you're going to get.

Ben still wears suits. That's what it is. He'll be sweating to death, and he's buttoned all the way to the top. He'll be like, take off the jacket. At least take off the jacket. What he doesn't realize is that doesn't equal politician. That equals a used car sale. Well, especially he's got the

cowboy boots on now, too. So he's just like, no, he looks like, I mean just give him a bolo tie and leave him in Texas. Jackie, how would you describe your style? I would say like carefree kind of girl. I'd say like carefree kind of girl I'd say Florida barfly

Especially one summer it's like I don't give a fuck man for my style. I would describe it as um or I would call it rather Maya God Do you think that that quite explain?? No, yours is too You got normals I'm just a normal boy I always dressed a normal boy I'm just glad I don't have to wear collared shirts anymore And I still elect to wear them now every now and again I had to wear a school uniform In the private school I went to

So I had to At one point I was only wearing tucked in collared shirts With khaki pants Wow And dress boy shoes My tiny dress boy shoes. I describe my style as like... Yeah.

No, you're just like a punk guy. How's your fucking shit? Yeah, it's more like that. How's your fucking bullshit? Yeah, I would go with that. Jeansy. You're jeansy. I'm a jeansy.

I'm wearing shorts today, though. I did, and they're like normal shorts. They're super normal shorts. I bought them in Puerto Rico. But it used to be swamp chic back when you had the longer hair'm wearing shorts today, though. I did, and they're like normal shorts. They're super normal shorts. I bought them in Puerto Rico. But it used to be swamp chic back when you had the longer hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's swamp chic. Yeah, that was a good way of putting it.

Swamp chic. You were the swampiest man I'd ever met, and you were literally living in the only swamp house in New York City. I couldn't believe you found it, but it was the only house that was straight up a swamp in New York. All right, it's time for a segment from Oman, Nailah. Well, there you go. Describe your style. I think we just did it. No York. All right. It's time for a segment from all Manila. There you go. Describe your style.

I think we just did it. Is that it? No, no, no. Let's come up with a new one. We've got the new TV shows, the new Thursday night lineup on NB Weed. I don't understand. It's a sitcom year, everybody. We've got to come up with the new.

You are starring in your own roundtable sitcom. I will go first. It's going to be on, you name the channel it's going to be on. Mine's going to be on Spike. It's got a little bit of edge, you know what I'm saying? Got a little bit of edge. It's going to be, it's going to be a work-a-do comedy, all right, set at an amusement park called Butt-Ass.

All right? Okay. Okay, and the whole thing is a park smells like ass, and nobody can figure out why, and then I come in, and I'm Dr. Ball. So was it you that was doing it

the entire time? So I play the left nut, and we don't know who's gonna play the right nut yet. We're doing readings right now I can be it Milton Milton Berle

Nevermind give it to Rip him back up We're hoping to reanimate We're hoping to do one of those holograms like Tupac On stage with Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre We're hoping it'll be a dead man hologram Or woman so if you kill yourself, we would use you. Okay.

I play the left nut. He plays the right nut. We walk around and we try to find the source of the butt. Right? And the way that it becomes a show more than three episodes long is there's eggs. And we don't know.

There's probably dragons in that. No, that's getting too Game of Thrones-y. They'll never buy it. It's 100% Game of Thrones. Then they're not going to buy it. Why wouldn't they buy it? The most successful fucking media franchise in the fucking face of the planet. They're not going to do it.

All right, fine. It's a sword. All right, fine. We found a sword, but instead of a blade, it's a laser. Like a lightsaber. Not like a lightsaber. It's called something else. No, it's different.

It's also a... All right. We'll be the judge, okay, of who wins the ratings, which, by the way, we judge ourselves today. Okay. Because Marcus will also have to do one of these. Okay, Jackie? Mine's going to be on National Geographic.

It's called My Girlfriend's a Pupa. But what it is is that it's just a bunch of actual footage of a bunch of pupas and just a bunch of people putting their voice over going oh god what am i gonna turn into oh you kiss me girl and it'll just be you will be all of the voices holding okay you have to do all of them and then you don't know what the pupa are gonna turn into it's almost like a high school like like last summer before college kind of show. I'm interested in the project, but I will need you to send a script to my people. Yeah, I'll get your people.

Thank you. I think your people is me. So I send it to me. Oh, I give you the check, and yes, you will do it, and he is on board. So Lonely McNeely stars as every pupa you've ever seen, and they're going to school. They're going to school. They're going to school. Okay. Mine's going to be on ABC.

It's going to be like a quirky, like, northern exposure type thing. Okay. But it's also going to be a murder mystery. Okay. And it starts with the mayor has drowned in a vat of mustard. Okay. But you got to figure out who killed the mayor in a vat of mustard. And I play the man who runs the local hot

dog store. And I am the number one suspect. But I didn't do it. And wackiness ensues. Where are we season four? Season four, I've moved to New York City. And I run a hot dog

stand there. And I'm in a fight with the halal guy across the way but then he has a beautiful daughter and we end up getting married. Okay. Wow, this really takes a turn, doesn't it? It really does. Now we have to try a new system I'm creating for us now called the self-voting system, okay?

I am number one, Jackie's number two. I would like to be number one. Marcus, okay, Jackie's number one, I am number two, and Marcus's number two. I would like to be number one. Marcus. Okay. Jackie's number one. I am number two. And Marcus is number three. I'd like to be number two. Okay. Jackie's number one. Marcus is number two. And I am number three. Cool.

Starting with me, we'll go around in a circumference. You are number three. We'll start with me. You just say aloud the number you feel should win, okay? Three. 25. Nine.

Okay. You have to name one of the three numbers involved. That is number one. I thought we were naming our favorite number. No, no. We're not naming our favorite numbers. Oh, if that's the case, 27. Oh, really?

Yeah. Michael Jordan? No, he was 23. Oh, okay. 93. When he died? Wait, 27 because it's the unlucky number? No, no, no.

27 was my football number. Let's actually give ourselves our own numbers instead, okay? I will be 18. You wish you were 18. Right. Right, right, right. I'm the winner. Vote on the one you feel should win.

I am number 18. Jackie, what number are you? 93. And what number are you? 32, OJ. Okay. Now you will say the person's number that you feel should win. I will start.

93. 30. 30. All right, we seem to be at a stopgap. I will name three reasons why I should win. I would rather 13 reasons why. 30. 30. All right, we seem to be at a stopgap. I will name three reasons why I should win. I would rather 13 reasons why. Okay.

Number one, because you got... I need this, okay? That's number one, okay? Number two, I have not won anything in a long time. I need this. It has been a while. Number three i'm begging you i'm looking both of you in the eyes i know the listeners cannot see it jackie's looking away from me and i do not appreciate it i'm looking straight at me right now okay those are my three reasons jackie yeah Yeah. I'm going to say the numbers again.

I would like to win. I'm voting for number eight. Number one, I'm multicultural. Number two, I've got food. Okay. And number three, multicultural. If you win, do we get to eat hot dogs? We can eat hot dogs at any time.

By the way, see Garfield pillow? I keep staring at it. Is it for me? I want it. Someone sent us a Garfield pillow and sent me a couple of Misfits records and some really cool stuff, but I love my Garfield pillow and you can't have it. I would never want it. It's my Garfield pillow.

I shit on it. I want it. I shit on it. 18. Jackie? I win on it. I want it. I shit on it. 18. Jackie? I win. 32. Well, we seem to be in an impasse.

I guess, do we all get the shows then? Maybe. Do we all win? Because then I still win. I mean, they're on different networks. Why can't we all win? Why can't we all win? Why can't we all get shows?

I'm your agent, so you get the money for working on my show as well. Mm-hmm. Okay. So Jackie and I. Marcus, I'm sorry. No, Marcus get the money for working on my show as well. Mm-hmm. Okay. So Jackie and I. Marcus, I'm sorry. No, Marcus gets it because we get hot dogs, so Marcus is going to bring in hot dogs next round table. We all win this round. Either that or Broadbust.

We all win this round. But I will be re-asking a competitor next week who should have really won this. You are going to forget about this. I hate everything. Bye, everyone. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.