The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 329: Chuckin' Wood In Heaven

Episode Date: May 26, 2017

The gang learns about a woodchuck who caused a car fire, a murderous Freddy Kruger clown, discusses best and worst memes, and gives us an insider look into Jackie's life.

The round table. Gentlemen. Aye. Let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day, what's the topic of discussion?

Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. No. You're very strong. I'm not going to do it. We got to start this show. I think we have. I have to be out of here at six.

All right. We go. We go. We're good to go? All right. This is a round table. What's up, Jackie? This is important information.

What? What I'm drinking is very important to other people. What is it? What are you drinking? We think I'm drinking, and I have too much of it. How did I end up in a room that no one would take a free drink? It's like that talking head song. This is not my beautiful house.

This is not my beautiful wife. Or all of my alcoholic friends. Where are you? I've got to go do Russian television later. Then have some vodka. You make a good point. Thank you. The one place where they are okay with vodka,

blasting from the breath is Russian television. Nobody wants my drinks. That's okay, Jackie. Next time we'll have all the drinks together. Okay. Yeah. Now I'm just a drunk. No, you're not a drunk.

We'll never judge you for drinking I have to do wizard and the bruiser after this that's why I'm not drunk technically should have a couple of I should probably have a couple that's okay though that either way just to get through the day my whole thing is like every day is just this like depressing slow it is misery and less oh you have no idea what it's like playing online, playing video games online for a living. It's a nightmare. Everyone coming at me.

Oh, get good, fool bag. And all that stuff. Were you called a food bag? I think it was a fool bag. Fool bag. I think bag of fools. I think food bag is much better and appropriate. Multiple fools also works.

There you go. Several fools. A bag of them. All right. So let's see here. We have to do a prayer. I believe that we still do that. We you go. Several fools. A bag of them. All right. So let's see here. We have to do a prayer. I believe that we still do that. We don't do that anymore.

We're done doing that? Do we not do that? We haven't done that in weeks. Oh, that's right. We totally forgot to do that last week. Or for a while, right? It has been for a while. Well, then let's keep the tradition going.

No more prayer. It's all done. I have got to say, we haven't done it for several weeks, and no one has complained. That is very true. Literally not a single person. So bring the prayer back. It's up to you guys. If you want us to do the prayer, you've got to say something.

If you don't want us to do the prayer, vote for Heathcliff on the Facebook website. It's unbelievable how many people voted for Garfield over Heathcliff, by the way. Of course, Garfield. They like big money. Everyone loves Garfield. Big government. I now have a Garfield pillow in my house that a very kind listener gave to me. I'm so mad at you.

I saw it in here, and then I kept dying. I kept dying it. Kept dying it. I don't get the pillow. He gets the pillow. I jumped on it. I got a Garfield pillow right next to my Flash plushie doll that I won at Coney Island last week because I am the whack-a-mole fucking

master. Well, that's what they've said about you. I don't know. Oh, yeah. Wait, you're better? You want a fucking throw down? Oh, shit. I beat six other people for that fucking flash doll.

Well, that settles it. Roundtable of gentlemen going to Coney Island this weekend, or not this weekend, one of these weekends. One of these weekends. We should set a date. We should set a date, yeah. We'll do a whole community. We'll all meet up at Coney Island.

Perhaps the mermaid parade. Yeah. The mermaid parade's date, yeah. We'll do a whole community. We'll all meet up at Coney Island. Perhaps the Mermaid Parade. Yeah. The Mermaid Parade's a fucking nightmare. I've been to it twice. I'm going this year. I'm going to pass out a bunch of flyers. Oh, yeah. Get that mermaid boat.

It'll be great. You get that mermaid boat. I love the mermaid boat. Mermaid parade is a shit show. The boots are all wet. I got the mermaid boat. But yeah, Jackie, I will fucking ruin you in whack-a-mole. Wow.

Your anger supersedes your drumming arms. Oh, actually, I don't think. in whack-a-mole. Wow. But all your anger supersedes your drumming arms. Oh, actually, I don't think. I didn't even realize you were a drummer, so you must be amazing. Yeah, that's why I was so fucking good. I beat six other people. Yeah, but he's so fucking good. Because that's the thing. You've got to get to 150 first out of every group.

And because I got out of a large group, I got a bigger flash doll. He's got a big head, and he's real cute. That's kind of fun. So were the kids coming up to you and being like, It was all adults! It was all adults. You didn't meet a bunch of children in this game. I play Wendel. No, it was a couple of tourists from Georgia.

Yeah. They don't know how to whack a mole. Oh, hell no, man. Wow. Alright, well I think we have a shout out. We have to do shout outs. Wow. Wow. Any other words you want to say? I'm bringing it back. Well, I think we have a shout out. We have to do shout outs. It was paying attention. Wow. Wow. Any other words you want to say? Wow. I'm bringing it back.

Also, I'm bringing back, she's a man, baby. I'm bringing it back. You do this like once a year. You bring back Austin Powers. I'm bringing it back. She's a man, baby. So much money. Get in my belly.

That's a good one. Yeah. That's a good one. Go on, bitch. Swing. belly. That's a good one. Yeah, yeah. That's a good one. Go on, bitch. Swing. Yeah, that's kind of fun. This is nice.

This is nice. That is fun. That is fun. Marcus. I'm a fat guy in a little coat. Okay. That's a good one. All right.

Good famous Mike Myers movie. I don't know. I'm Hedda Graham. and I was in Austin Powers 2. What other films have you been in lately, Heather Graham? Oh, The Hangover. Was she? No, she was not in The Hangover. Yes, she is, Heather Graham.

Is she? What is she? Check your dick. What? Melt your dick. Why? Why are you yelling at me? Oh, my goodness.

I don't know Heather Graham's whole acting career. She's in The Hangover. She's a man, baby. She's a man, baby. I don't know if that's true. Highly doubt that she is. True story, though. I saw that moment in the trailer for Austin Powers on the television,

and I fell out of my chair laughing. Oh, it was a man, baby? She's a man. Just pulling a wig. in the trailer for Austin Powers on the television and I fell out of my chair laughing. Oh, it was a man baby? She's a man. Just pulling a wig. Trying to pull a wig off of a old woman and screaming she's a man baby is very funny. Still. Very humorous.

Even described. This is the only joke you can describe and people still laugh about it. Oh, yeah. Haltnators. Oh, guys. You're going to be very happy with me. I fucked up this week.

I am not caught up on my shout outs. I only have one. Are you some slap happy bitches right now? I don't understand how you messed up, though, because all you do is you just sit at home all day. Playing video games. I'm very proud of you for making this a reality. Mortal Kombat. Oh, is that what you play? No. Oh. All right. of you for making this a low all right the best vest says Haley wants me to

call her a bitch that's that yeah all right you now have holden a ter t-shirt I have holden t-shirts out right now what's the fastest way to describe how they can find them on cave Comedy Radio Merch.com. Cave Comedy Radio Merch.com. And type boners in checkout. You'll get five extra dollars you'll have to pay for it. That's not how discount codes work, though. It's called an extra cost code.

You fucks. I like it. And we want to thank Josh Rogers for making that. That was amazing. Mushface Comics on Twitter. Please check out Mushface. And he is unbelievably talented. Actually, the first one is on the floor behind you.

On the floor. Yes, it is. And these are, they perfectly capture Holden McNeely. It is an accurate depiction. This is nothing, there's nothing extreme about it. Don't put on a double shirt, Holden. You're going to start sweating so much.

I don't know, what's the rule on wearing your own shirt? Oh, I'm wearing it You wear your own shirt all the time. I know, but what's the rule on it? Because I was also

thinking about getting two watches, one for each wrist, so I'm always on time. But then Brooke, the lady, she said I couldn't do it and then everyone that I talked to

said I couldn't do it either. Yeah, you can't have two watches. I love the idea. Why? Always on time. That means that you're just wearing bracelets. All right. No, that's what I got for you.

That's what I got for you. Thank you, Holden. Watch on the ankle. Watch on the ankle. Then how do you check it? Because when you cross your legs, boom. Oh, secret watch. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, baby.

I do like that, actually. I think you first need to be on time to legs, boom. Oh, secret watch. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, baby. I do like that, actually. I think you first need to be on time to all the places. Oh, I see. That was some shade. I'm getting shade. You're getting shade. You got shade alert. Oh, my.

Well, it's kind of nice. I don't like the sun anyway. It is the man from Persona Happiness. The character that Will Smith played, he wore two watches always on time. But wasn't he like mentally challenged though? No, you, no! He's a multi, multi, multi, multi millionaire now. Who? Will Ferrell?

Oh my god, no. The man that Will Smith played in Pursuit of Happiness. But I thought that's why they misspelled happiness. Can we please talk about Mommy Dead and Dearest? What is Mommy Dead and Dearest? No, we can't do that on here. You have no, don't you fucking get, don't you cross over bullshit on my bullshit. You keep your bullshit in your corner.

Wow, keep it all in your own corners. I'm starting a sad documentaries podcast. No, fine, you do that. Jackie Zebrowski. Wow. Yep. It's a live stream of Jackie Zebrowski and her living room. That's a sad documentary.

That is a sad fucking documentary. It's me like, just pull the nachos closer to my mouth. Do you want to keep drinking in here? Or do you want to go up to the roof? All right. That is very inside. That is your life. But it's not a bad life.

You have a beautiful roof. I mean, it's not that inside. It's Jackie has roof access, and sometimes she drinks in her house, and sometimes's not a bad life. You have a beautiful roof. I mean, it's not that inside. It's Jackie has roof access, and sometimes she drinks in her house, and sometimes she drinks on the roof. It's a very simple concept. It's extremely simple, yes. That is true. That's insider information.

Edit! Oh my god, Jackie, I can't believe you just said what you said. That is so filthy. I'm savage. That's what they say, right? I got to say, well, speaking of documentaries, I'm watching The Keepers. I'm on episode one, and it is amazing so far.

Sister Snesnik, she's gone missing. She died 1949. It's called The Keepers. It's on Netflix. Check it out. It's amazing so far. It's about a ragtag group of now elderly women trying to solve this crime that is, I guess, 50 years old or something like that. And it's awesome.

You're going to love the women in this documentary, Jackie. The keepers. Yeah. I'm only on episode one, but I will keep everyone updated. So far, so great. Shout out to Mommy, Dad, and Dearest Marcus. You have to watch it yesterday. It's about a daughter who killed her mom.

And it's fun. I have had many people tell me about this documentary. It's unbelievable. And it gets way darker than I thought it would get. How did you? And if you want to listen to more of how we feel about it, you should listen to

next week's Page 7. Wizard and the Bruiser. We're doing a special Mommy Dead and Dearest episode. Alright, well that'll be exciting. Competing shows. That's good. That have nothing to do with each other. That's perfect. Well, let's see here.

Now, what's going on in the world, Marcus? We have to have some news stories. A woodchuck responsible for causing a car fire Wednesday has been located. Oh. That's good. What happened? The woodchuck had climbed into the engine compartment of a Toyota 4Runner that was being stored at a ranch. And after the new owner picked up the car, it caught fire while he was driving to the DMV to get it registered.

The driver pulled into the Steamboat Today parking lot, and the woodchuck was seen fleeing the scene. There was some concern that the woodchuck might start another fire because it was on fire. That's terrible. No kidding. His butt. But it was totally alive, though. It stopped, dropped, and rolled, I guess. Yeah.

It died. It did die. Was it hairless? Was it burnt? The headline is, Woodchuck responsible for starting fire, now chucking wood in heaven. That's the cutest. How much wood could a Woodchuck chuck for starting fire, now chucking wood in heaven. Oh, that's the cutest. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck in heaven? Not a lot because heaven doesn't exist.

It's from steamboattoday.com. It might be a make-em-up. It could be a make-em-up. A make-em-up? Is it possible the story's too cute to be true? No, it's not cute because there's an element of death. Oh, yeah, that's true. Good point.

Never mind. And a stinky woodchuck. This happens with cats all the time. Yeah. They get up in there. Yeah, they get up in there. I don't recall them causing a fire, though, or getting caught on fire. Their tongues are like sandpaper, and if they do lick their own fur fast enough, it will

cause fire to engulf. Actually, Steamboat today, it's from a town called Steamboat Springs. Wow. And then it comes out every day, I guess. Today. Wow. I love it. Well, good story.

Good story indeed. Steamboat Springs. It's in Colorado. Colorado. Wonderful place. And you guys just went to Colorado. I go once a year now. It's very fun there.

When did you do it? Because we, I don't even know. I don't even think we did this on purpose But we were there for 420 and I didn't really realize how real weed tourism was everyone on that plane It was like so playing they were screaming. They were so they were having so much fun Yeah, is that fun for you guys are horrible for you guys. It was interesting highly annoying There was a lot of party rows going on I found that maybe you just need one party row, and that's the row that I'm in.

Because when other people party row, they're very loud about it. Yeah. I just watch documentaries and cry. There's so much going on in Steamboat Springs. What's really? Ghosts? No. Okay.

Bears. What? The allure of donuts was far too much for one Steamboat Springs resident. It's illegal, by the way. Are you sure this wasn't when you guys were in Colorado? Was it Henry? Oh. He's on that website for bear lovers.

Shubberama. Yeah. The steamboat pilot reports that Todd and Kim Robertson awoke early Monday to a black bear trying to break into their donut delivery vehicle. And the bear was so determined to enter the car, it ripped off its back bumper. Oh, look at that. The Kim Robertson said the bear was no doubt attracted to the scent of donuts pouring out of the couple's Ford Focus.

There's a lot of people who hunt bears via donut, and I think that should be illegal, and I think it's illegal in Minnesota. It's terrible. It was Robertson's own Moose Watch Cafe in downtown Steamboat. Look at that. A lot of animals. Get a salmon. What do of animals. Get a salmon. What do you mean?

Get a salmon to get a bear. Oh, I agree. Use a donut to get a bear. Bears love donuts and all high-sugary, high-carb foods. Or a picnic basket. Yeah, or a bottle of honey. Full of donuts. Oh, bastards.

Pot of honey, too, will catch you a good bear. Yeah, fucking Winnie the Idiot. What? These are cartoon rules. Winnie the Idiot. What? These are cartoon rules. Winnie the Idiot, huh? Yep. Isn't that interesting?

Well, I was always more of a piglet person anyway. Yeah. I love piglet. I like piglet and Eeyore. When did you go to piglet? You were an Eeyore guy. I'm always an Eeyore and a piglet person. You never talked about your piglet love.

You've never said piglet. No, you've never said piglet. I would remember if you said you loved piglet. No, piglet's very upbeat, very fun, and then Eeyore's a more, you know, they have a- Morose. Morose, yes. Piglet's fun, upbeat, and he just kind of whines all the time. Piglet?

Yeah. No, you're thinking of the rabbit. The rabbit. I'm thinking of the rabbit. Yeah, piglet is just nothing but fun. No, piglet, yeah, but piglet's like- Piglet's concerned. Oh, yeah, he's worried.

That's the rabbit. Piglet worries. No, it's piglet. Piglet worries. The rabbit's a curmudgeon. Piglet worries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I still like piglet. Eeyore's depressed. That's the rabbit. Piglet worries. No, it's Piglet. Piglet worries. The rabbit's a curmudgeon. Piglet worries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still like Piglet.

Eeyore's depressed. Yep. Tigger is fun. He's the fun one. He is the fun one. He's the super fun one. Yep. And Pooh Bear's just caught in the middle of it all.

Yeah. Pooh Bear's just the straight man of the whole situation. Just having, yeah, I don't know. Shirt's too small. Yep. And no underwear. And no pants. No pants.

Yeah. No pants Pooh. There ought to. No pants. No pants poo. There ought to be a law. How does he get his head in the jar if he can't get his head out of the jar? Because the nose can go down, but the nose cannot go up again. I don't like it when you did it. The nose go down. The nose can't go up. Stop.

I have extreme nose sensitivity. Yeah? Oh, yeah. I used to stay up at night when I was a kid for hours and hours and hours with an itchy nose. I have no idea why. I still have nose sensitivity. Yeah? Oh, yeah. I used to stay up at night when I was a kid for hours and hours and hours with an itchy nose. I have no idea why. I still have nose sensitivity. I don't like nose stuff. Freaks me out.

If a woman touches your nose, it makes you upset? I don't even think that's ever happened. Come closer. Come closer to me. Well, I can't move the microphone. No, you can't move. Come closer to me. It's fine.

Just. He hated it. He hated fine. He hated it. He hated it. He hated it. Jackie hit my nose. It's not a visual podcast, but it was. Yeah, I hate it. Yeah, I swatted at it.

Yeah, I have extreme nose paranoia because that one time went my nose blood for a week. That's right. That's right. It was a rhino pack. It was almost biblical what was happening to you. It was unbelievable. I was bleeding everywhere. Just filling cups with it. I remember. It would congeal. happening to you. It was unbelievable. I was bleeding everywhere, just filling cups with it.

And it would congeal. What do you call it? It would clot. It was so much of it was happening. It would clot up in the back of my nose, kind of in my little sinus. And I swallowed so much of it, I threw up. I would swallow it like meat. It was like a thin slice. And I would swallow it like meat. It was like a thin slice. Like a tartar.

Yeah. And I would swallow it and get sick. I remember that. We were living together at the time. You were on the couch for most of that week. Yes. Watching Frasier. Yeah.

Frasier and Cheers. I mean, it's very comforting. I'm sorry I swatted your nose. That's okay. It actually feels fine. Okay. I think I've overcome the paranoia of being touched in the nose. Now it's been done.

There it is. We did it live here. There you go. Recorded. Recorded right here on the round table. Pre-recorded here on the round table. Absolutely. Wings stay in Colorado for our next story.

Sure, sure. Denver police have arrested a man who was wearing clown makeup when he allegedly stabbed and slashed a 29-year-old man to death with a glove that had blades attached to the end of each finger. Wow, very Freddy Krueger-esque. I was going to say Edward Scissorhands. Ooh. Christian Lee Golzow, 36, allegedly attacked the victim at 12.49 a.m. on Tuesday

following an argument near Torchy's Tacos. So this was, did you say 12.45 a.m.? 12.49 a.m., yeah. Okay, so it's a bit early in the morning. No, no, no, this is after midnight. I know, it's also early in the morning. Isn't it early in the morning? Technically, yes, it is early in the morning.

But if you're at Torchy's Tacos, I imagine it's late at night. I know it's late at night for them, but technically it is early in the morning. Yeah, Torchy's, we all know the song for them, right? When it comes on the commercial. Come on down to Torchy's. If you're drunker comes on the commercial? Come on down to Torchy's if you're drunker than a skunk. Come on down to Torchy's and you'll taste some bunk. Don't disagree with your mother past three. Come on down to Torchy's and get you some fucking eats.

Torchy's, Torchy's, Torchy's, you're a bastard. Come to Torchy's. Torchy's, Torchy's, Torchy's, you're a jerk ass Come to Torchies. Torchies, Torchies, Torchies, you're a jerkass. Come to Torchies. We piss in the meat. And we shit on the beer. Oh, wow. Look at that.

I knew there was something strange about their tacos. I don't know why they end the song with that, because that's just not an appealing thing to make you want to go to a restaurant. Up until then, it's like, you got me. You have me. Sure. I'll just get another. Go on down there.

The fecal part, yeah. That's where you kind of lose a lot of people, yeah. This guy that killed the other guy owned Dorgy's Tacos. Yeah. I'm pretty sure he did. So this guy died, huh? Yeah, yeah. The Denver coroner's office identified the victim as 29-year-old Brian Lucero. Witnesses told police that the suspect, wearing white clown makeup, accented with black streaks on the face.

Oh, like the crow. Like the crow. Suddenly began threatening the victim with a glove with blades that were two to three inches long. Golzow began pummeling the victim who tried to dodge the blows. The victim eventually punched the suspect, who then yelled at the victim and followed him to Torchy's. The two were the only ones in the restaurant parking lot.

The report said the victim collapsed in the northeast parking lot of the Torchy's business. Golzo allegedly then fled on a scooter. Oh, look at that. So I guess the Torchy's theme song didn't exactly drive business to their restaurant. Well, I don't know if Torchy's was open or not. It just happened in the parking lot of Torchy's. Oh, I think tacos after midnight are amazing. You know the guarantee?

Burn us to the ground. We'll find your family, and we will murder your family. Torchy's. That's a strange guarantee for a taco place. It's a bizarre guarantee. Just type in boner and check out. $5 extra. $5 extra.

That's a good way for you to make money. I bet you, honestly, your fans would just do it for fun. Make more money. They're fun folks. They are fun folks. They love experimenting with drugs and hanging out with friends. You are noticeably warmer. Overpaid for shirts.

Yeah, since you have two shirts on right now. I feel great with two shirts on. Do you look cool? Oh, my God. Now he's taking off the shirt. It's been a while. It has been a while. Technically, that's the best his body has ever looked.

Look at me, Jackie. I don't think we have. Jackie, you made this happen. I'm sorry. Between the nose and the shirtlessness now, I don't know what's going to happen next. This is where I'm wearing a weird dress top now. Oh, yeah, it's like a crisscross.

Eugene Levy's eyebrows are all over your chest. Make you jump, jump. That's crisscross. That's crisscross. Eugene Levy's eyebrows are all over your chest. Make you jump, jump. That's crisscross. That's crisscross. Yes. Jump, jump. I love that. Make you jump, jump.

That's when hip hop was very aggressive when they missed the bus and they sang about it. Makes you think of, it's not a bra, it's a bustier. It's a bra. Not papa. She's a man, baby! I got your coat! Oh, God. Get in my belly!

Oh, this is fun. That is fun. You like it. I do like it. I like that you like it. Yeah, well, of course. Those are fun catchphrases. That's why they worked. That's why everyone who made those are multi-millionaires right now. Now is the time on sprockets when we dance. I'll be high.

Groovy, baby. I can't think of another one. Noah's Ark Edge. I don't know. I'm a conehead. That's a good one. Yes. I remember that one.

I don't think they ever said I'm a conehead. You got too so to squeeze. I am a conehead. I don't think they ever said I'm a conehead in Coneheads. Snap, crackle, pop, bitch. I don't think they did. Snap, crackle, pop, you bitch. It's going to be very aggressive Rice Krispies.

Interesting. Okay. What? Okay. Okay. Everybody at home, don't worry. I put my shirt back on. I haven't gone AWOL. We didn't figure out, can you wear your own shirt? Yeah. I do. Okay. What? Okay. One o'clock. Okay. Everybody at home, don't worry. I put my shirt back on. I haven't gone AWOL.

We didn't figure out. Can you wear your own shirt? Yeah. I do. Okay. Yeah. Marcus? I mean, I wear a shirt with my catchphrase on it.

There it is. Okay. Well, I'm wearing my own shirts from here on out. I think it's fine. I think it's the double watch that's the issue. No, the double watch is amazing always on time. You gotta be on time. You can just be on time.

You don't have to wear two. Technically, if you're wearing a watch on your wrist, you still have two watches on you because of your phone. Your phone. Oh. That's why nobody wears watches at all anymore. I know. I know what they don't do. I enjoy a watch.

I wear a watch every day. I feel weird if I don't have one. Yeah. It's just ingrained. Yeah, it's just a thing I've been wearing watches since I was a kid. I have the problem where my watches always break. There's no keeping one. You're being too willy-nilly with your wrists.

Too willy-nilly with the wrists, huh? Do you take off your watch to sleep at night? Yes. You don't need to know what time it is. I take off my watch when I get home because my home is filled with clocks. I like having lots of clocks. I have lots of clocks. I have no clocks.

I can't even buy a clock. I tried to buy a clock the other day. What do you mean you can't buy a clock? You can't buy a clock. No place no clocks. I can't even buy a clock. I tried to buy a clock the other day. What do you mean you can't buy a clock? You can't buy a clock. No place has clocks. You can buy a clock. I swear to God. And no place also has calendars.

Yeah. Calendars and clocks, they're both obsolete in the marketplace. You can go on Amazon and buy a clock there. Yeah, but you should be able to just go to a deli and buy a clock. You can't do that anymore. Delis don't sell clocks. They used to buy a clock. They used to sell clocks.

Go to the dollar store. You can buy a clock at the dollar store. No, I went. That's where I went. Dollar store, no clock. Don't go to the deli for wood glue. Oh, my gosh. I just tried to sell clocks. Go to the dollar store. You can buy a clock at the dollar store. No, I went. That's where I went. Dollar store, no clock. Don't go to the deli for wood glue. Oh, my gosh. I just tried to do that.

They do not appreciate it. It wastes their time. They don't have it. Yeah. Delis do hate it when you ask them for something and they don't have it. They don't have it. They get very upset. What?

You need me fucking finding get? You need me fucking finding get? I'm just like, I don't need you to do anything, sir. I have to go record my podcast. What is podcast i burn your fucking head in like burn my head in strange deli yeah very upsetting yeah well i try to get ant traps in my deli and they don't have any so there you go that's my little story or they did they yell at you to burn to burn your face in no no they're fairly nice about it. But, yep. Nope.

I can't. I got an infestation of ants. Why do you get ants? You leave too many sodas around? No. Do you leave half empty beers? That'll bring the ants in. No, not bring the ants in.

The ants can't get in the coors like that. Okay, I'm actually going to go with Ben. I've got to say this. I just had an ant situation. It's a summer thing. That's it. But you do need to lay down some. That guy comes by. I know. I used to live there. That guy had an ant situation. It's a summer thing, but you do need to lay down some... That guy comes by.

I know. I used to live there. That guy... You gotta get that guy to come in and spray. And they'll all run around so you'll have to kill them or they'll die eventually and then you'll have to vacuum them up. But either way, you just need that guy to come by and spray, spray, spray. I don't know. Me and Jackie, we're third

floor buddies. We ain't got no ant problems. We're both first floor buddies, so there you go. First floor buddies! I love it, by the way Jackie, we're third floor buddies. We ain't got no amp. We're both first floor buddies. There you go. First floor buddies. I love it, by the way. I love the first floor. I can't tell you how many times I've come home and you're just, even if you're sober, just after a hard day work.

Hard day work? Hard day of work. It's been a hard day work. We're missing a letter in there. Airport. A letter, a word. Airport. Hard, long day work.

No ants, though. No ants we got to do. No ants. Not at all. It's worth it, those three flights of stairs. What is the, when you come up for your, I'm sorry, I interrupted you. When you come up for your hard day work. First floor.

First floor. You feel good. Oh, it just feels good. It's easier. You just feel good. Makes you feel good. It just feels good. Makes you feel a little like you got a little pep in your step because you don't need to walk so much.

I mean, I'm just going to say this. When you have to take a piss, I live in an elevator building. I was on the fifth floor at first. That's right. And you got to take a bad piss, boy. You're waiting for that elevator to come down. You might as well piss in your own fucking ass. You might as well lay down, bend your penis in a way that it shoots up into the air, but in an arc so that it lands right in your own fucking ass.

If you could store piss in your ass, would you do it? What do you mean? Like, say like you really have to take a piss, but you're like ten minutes away from home, but you could store piss in your ass until you get there. Would you do it? It might leak out, and you might lose control, but you could still...

Do other people find it weird? Well, if it was an evolutionary step, I guess, and everyone could do it. Everyone does it. But no, it's just like one day everybody has the ability to hold piss in their ass. Yeah, I mean, the asshole is God's purse. So where else would you keep it? All right, well, I guess we've solved it. So do you keep piss in your purse?

Sure. If I have to, I've kept vomit in my purse before. Yeah, she has. Oh, that happens, yeah before she peaked in her purse so why not piss at least piss is sterile put it in my purse I wish my ass was always my purse

I don't just put money in you I never have to deal with this big thing oh yeah sure where would I put my sparkling water that's something we don't really want to get into. God's purse? Yeah. Look at that.

It's leather. That's what I'll say to people it's real leather when they ask me about my God's purse. You got a leather ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a leather ass, yeah, up inside. Is that like an old person's ass? Yeah, it's like a hide. Well, you better be careful about your fucking ass because your brother is having his whole ass fucked up right now.

Yeah, that's true. Henry Zebrowski's going through some bad problems. Ed Larson-esque. Yes. Yeah, we talked about it on page seven last week. He named it gumbo. He named it gumbo. He named it gumbo?

He named it. Because it's spicy. Oh, God, it's spicy. It's also about the size of a gumball. It's brutal. I see it, so it's a double-pr also about the size of a gumball. Oh, I see. So it's a double-pronged meaning. And you two need to watch it because it came from him sitting on those airplanes all damn day.

I don't think it did. I think it's an extremely high-fiber diet that has become exceptionally unhealthy. That's what I said. I'm like, it's too sharp what you're throwing in there. Yeah, because that's the thing. His doctor told him it was a super hard piece of duke that scraped the ameroid and caused the bleeding. Is that what happens? That's what happened?

Ratchet. Jaggy is ratchet. I don't scrape this. Scrape. Scrape this? Scrape the hemorrhoid. So what do you mean? He said it was shaped like a fork.

Oh, my. It was shaped like a fork. Scrape. He kept doing, like, hemorrhoid at me, like, thinner. And I was like, don't put a hemorrhoid at me like thinner and I was like don't give don't put a hemorrhoid on me. Absolutely not. I'd rather have thinner. Do thinner on me. Oh I've always was so jealous

of the first three months of the thinner disease from that great Stephen King film Thinner. He's had a great time. Got to eat whatever he wanted. But then of course he died. Died. Too thin. What a way to die. Stricken with hemorrhoids. I would rather get thinner yeah

honestly and then you die looking beautiful leave a good corpse hey and then yeah and then again

you have just three months of nothing but buffet food and you're losing weight man you'd rather do that than live with a hemorrhoid for your entirety

of your life just go out oh man you look so hot all the compliments that would be coming your way the compliments

I would feel great about it yeah you can finally do your dream and be coming your way. I would feel great about it. Yeah. You could finally do your dream and be a Gap boy. Oh, I would love to be a model for the Gap. You could be if you were thinner. Oh.

That's sad. I became our big and tall model, but it never came out. I was too big and tall. It never came out. I'm sure it's there somewhere. No, it's nowhere. A listener would have seen it and taken a picture of it. It's gone to the same heaven my Taco Bell commercial went. No, that actually aired the way it saw it.

Yeah, it's online. It's hard to find, but it's there. It's there. I think I got a couple people that eat a couple fucking tacos. Dude, I dreamt about Taco Bell the other day. I kind of relived our $33 purchase. Well, mostly mine. Although you have a Gordita, so you're complicit.

And the Gordita was one of the more expensive items. The Gordita, which I had to ask for. You begged for it. Yeah, and I'm still a little bit bitter about it. Because I was really like starving and worked here at Cave Comedy Radio in service of you find people all day long and hadn't eaten anything. And then I walked with Ben Kissel to keep him company to buy $33 worth of Taco Bell. And I asked for possibly a gordita because I was broke at the time.

And he eventually gave it to me after much prodding and pleading. Well, I remember when I was watching WrestleMania alone this year. So that was fun. We're not even going to get into it. I watch Backlash, by the way. We watch WrestleMania. We do. We watch WrestleMania.

Also, two Sundays from now, there's another pay-per-view if you want to join. Does that mean we all have to go? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, we all have to go. I watch Backlash alone. I don't know what's going on in the storyline. That's more fun. Just buff dudes.

Yeah. Buff dudes, ropes, the whole thing. No, I know, but I like the storyline more than I like the wrestling. I'll fill you in on the storyline. Ben's recap is 10 times better. Kevin Owens is the current U.S. champion. He's the face of America. He just beat, well, now I forget who he just beat.

He beat, oh, my God. I can't depend on you. No, you can depend on me. He just, oh, my God. Who did he beat? Who did he beat? I want to say Seth Rollins, but that might be wrong. Either way, Luke Harper just fought this other big old dude from the Wyatt family,

and I believe his last name is Rollins. Wait, no, that's the other guy. But now they're just going by their first and last names. Where's the Mankind? Where's the Undertaker? Where's the King? Or the character. Where's the character?

The Dirty Milligan and Flimsy Frank. Yeah, the Uso Brothers. Oh, that's another name. Okay, what about Fandango? Okay, Fandango. That's a movie ticket site. Did you just make this up? What is it a tag team?

No, there's a lot of fun stuff happening. Clear sponsorship happening for that guy's name. Well, maybe. I don't know. Either way, it's a lot of hot action, high drama, high flying maneuvers. You don't want to miss it. That's what I would say about a little-known movie

called the live-action Beauty and the Beast. If you haven't seen that, you need to get your fucking ass out of your action, high drama, high flying maneuvers. You don't want to miss it. That's what I would say about a little known movie called the live action Beauty and the Beast. If you haven't seen that, you need to get your fucking ass out of your chair, put it in a different chair with the movie playing in front of it. I don't know. Didn't that come out months and months and months ago? It's also a strange storyline. Everyone just accepts this bestiality storyline. And I think there's nothing wrong with it.

Because they're both consenting. We've actually talked about this during the live shows that we do about if she kissed the beast and it turned into a prince like Prince Charles with like spina bifidus and then she wants to try to kiss it back into a beast. Yeah, I don't know if you can do takesies-backsies. You've got to put that damn pedal, rip it apart. I think she wants the beast from the very beginning.

I think she's into a hairy man. Maybe. But the beast in the live action one is not as hot as the cartoon version. Really? The cartoon one is pretty suave. Well, he's combed better. Yeah. I see.

You got to comb your animals. Well, now I can't remember the main event. It was Randy Orton, and he fought another guy. Yeah. And that guy, he was always a bad man. They're both bad. Hogan? No, it wasn't.

There's a lot of pressure on me here. It just sounds like it wasn't an event. Diamond Dallas Page. DDP. That's old in references. The Rock is cooking. No, it's not The Rock. Have a nice day.

That's just a slogan. Oh, man. It was a great match. It's just a slogan. Oh, man. It was a great match. It was, oh, my God. It was AJ Styles. Randy Orton versus AJ Styles. These are great matches. Sounds super boring, though.

They're not boring. You've got to see them. They run around. They sweat. You don't like me. I don't like you. And there's also a great, there's a Sikh character as well. What about like the Godfather versus Ken Shamrock? Yeah, the whole thing. Ken Shamrock is a better fucking wrestling name. Yeah, but it's an Irish thing, there's a Sikh character as well. Yeah, what about like the Godfather versus Ken Shamrock?

Yeah, the whole denature is a better fucking rest of the name. Yeah, but it's an Irish thing because it's a thing. He's a name, but it's also a thing. That's just a name. But it's a thing. Well, so we'll do, it's extreme rules in two weeks. Extreme rules. So that means there's no rules, and if there are rules, they're extreme.

Jackie, pouring some gin into a different cup does not make the drink less strong. So I bought a, I also brought in some sparkling water. Again, I got rused because I bought it because it was called watermelon margarita and it tastes more like cucumber than anything so I don't like the taste of it in here. So I poured too much in here so now I'm trying to even it

out. I'm gonna balance up. I'm having problems. I gotta stop going for the new flavors. Oh my god. Stick with what works and don't try new things. My new mantra just stay with it. I think that's a great mantra for water. We're getting way too creative with

water. There you go. What's the platform? Just water. Alright. And you know what? New York City, best tap water in the world. And the second best tap water in the world, Stevens Point, Wisconsin, my hometown. Really? Sometimes when I get home, I just put my mouth around the whole spigot and I just suck on it. I love it.

It's so tasty. Although people were freaked out about the New York water because it's got little invisible shrimps in it. That's fun. Who doesn't love a shrimp? Plankton? Oh, now we're going after plankton? I guess so. Big plankton's taking over? It eats all the bacteria. So it's tiny

shrimps, huh? Yeah, that's what it is. You ever see it? New York City shrimp. You can kind of see it in there. A little bit. We should start putting some cocktail sauce in our water. More butter, depending on what you use as your condimental choice. I'm two months out of Papa John's, dude. I saw that picture you posted on social media,

Marcus. I saw that you ordered Papa John's. I think I'm over Papa John's. First of all, it took him an hour and a half to bring me my pizza. Second of all, ordered an extra large. All of the pizza slices were sliced tiny. But you still got the extra large. Yeah, I still got the extra large, and I did eat most of it. Yeah, because you have to.

You just got one pizza? I got one pizza, and I also got some cheese sticks. They didn't treat you with respect because you got to get multiple pizzas, and then they really rush it over. I can't believe you guys still eat Papa John's. We live in New York City. Oh, I'm so tired of hearing that. Yes, I understand that.

What are you, on Twitter or something? Are you on Instagram? Oh, what are you doing? Sometimes you like to eat garbage. Of course. The sauce is amazing. The sauce is amazing. It's just that I actually think I just genuinely don't like it.

Honestly, honestly, throwing it out there. Literally? This is hard. I don't know if I've ever said this out loud before. I'm more of a Pizza Hut. Yep. It's the bubbly crust. Pizza Hut's number three.

It goes Papa John's, Domino's, Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut's number three. And then you've got your Gaddy's and your CC's down below. I'm going to probably go Papa John's numero uno, but it is a really close tie with pizza. I would definitely put Domino's at number eight next to it. Domino's Caesar's. Oh, wow.

Yeah, but the stuffed crust pizzas at Pizza Hut? Come on. They're putting little smokies in it now. What are you, a Donald Trump supporter? You are going after Jackie right now, Marcus. And why wouldn't you want to eat a little Smokey inside of a fucking crust? It's not a pizza. That's fine.

It tastes great. No, I do like pizza, but they're not in the city. No. So that was my first job was Pizza Hut. Oh, really? You know, I never thought about that, but there are no Pizza Huts in New York City. Well, there's some Pizza Hut Taco Bell combos and Pizza Hut KFC combos, but there's no Pizza Hut that stands alone. I feel like the food is always diminished when it's comboed up with every fast food place.

It's always not as good as those damn places. Well, they don't get the full menu. It's like an airport. They don't treat you right. Yeah, and they're all dumb people, the people who work at a combo place. Anyway, yes, I did have a dream $35 spent at Taco Bell, and it was great.

Man, now I want to eat all these things. Oh, they're so good. And Taco Bell, when you eat all of the ingredients, they all just sort of taste the exact same. Are you going to get the naked chicken chips? What's that? You dip them in cheese. Oh, yes, I will.

I will, too. If I lose another 15 pounds, I'm going to spend $30 at Taco Bell. Fantastic. And just erase all. Gain it all right back. No, you don't gain it all back at once. That's the fun part of

weight loss the naked chicken chips six pack it's their chicken you can earn a diploma that's good that's fun isn't that silly that is silly that's good time to get schooled in the fine art of dipping thanks to the all-new naked chicken chips you and your taste buds can get a graduate level crash course in both the theory and practicality of just how enlightening dipping can be. It is enlightening. So order up some of these crispy triangles of marinated all-white meat chicken, grab hold of that warm nacho cheese sauce, and just go for it.

Take it from me, Austin Powers. She's a man, baby. We should get sponsored by Taco Bell We should Whatever Taco Bell doesn't really sponsor There's so much room for sponsorship They don't need to

Why would they need to? They don't know what's going on Demolition Man is still the best sponsorship of all time That was the greatest How do they use the shells? How do they use it? This guy doesn't know how to use the three C shells. No one knows how to use it.

I don't want to get into all that. My goodness. Rob Schneider seemed to be happy about them. Oh, that reminds me of what I wanted to say. We had a bit of a rant last week, Ben, about some internet things. It is lit. It is lit. Facebook on fire.

I ranted about a few things, like using the word adulting. We also talked about people, you just won the internet, shut it down, all these things. Delete your account. Oh, people love, love what we had to say.

Well, now it seems as if they didn't. Also declaring that your lover in life, like when you're talking, you know, first of all, the post about your fiance or whatever, girlfriend, husband, whatever, how great they are is disgusting. And also, when you post, when you post. That might be a nice sign of love that you care for them. No, not a big post.

Yeah, just tell them, right? Just tell them. You don't have to tell the internet. Why does the internet have anything? That's what a wedding is for. That's what you're supposed to go in front of your entire family and declare you love them. That's why you tell them you love them only once. Yes.

That's it. On that day. And it's on that day. Yeah. Oh, you know they just fucked up. Yeah. And that's why they're putting this post up. Anyways, declaring that they're your best friend, I hate it so much.

I hate that. Saying my best friend. I cannot. It means you have no friends. Stooned it. That means you don't have any friends. Well, I don't do a lot of Facebook in these days. And I feel like that's where the majority of what you're talking about resides.

It's all in the memes. It's in the memes. It's got them in the memes, too. Oh, it's in the memes. I don't know. It's in the memes. It's everywhere. It's in the New York Times.

It's on the Post. It's right in your campaign, Ben. There it is. There are people working directly under you, talking about their best friend lover. And they're adulting. It's disgusting. They're done with it. So anyways, causing ripples, loving that some people want to band together with us

and say no more. Ben, what is your opinion on memes? I've seen a couple of funny memes. I saw a cat meme. That was kind of fun. Jackie, memes. I actually love a meme, but it depends on the meme. It's I saw a cat meme. That was kind of fun. Jackie, memes. I actually love a meme, but it depends on the meme. It's gotta be a good meme.

It's gotta be a good meme that makes me chuckle. How do you feel about Friday memes? Actually, the dumb, as long as they're really, really dumb, then it's great. Then I'm completely into this. I will say, the thing that bothers me the most about, well, Twitter mostly

and Facebook is the hot takes. I hate the quick, flippant hot takes. I hate open letters. Yes. More than anything. Anytime someone says an open letter to insert,

I can't. I cannot. No. Do not do it. I hate the word frie. What's frie? What? Frie is not a Friday meme that I enjoy. Like, it's yay that it word Friday. What's Friday? Friday is not a Friday meme that I enjoy.

Like, it's yay that it's Friday. So it's Friday. What do you think about this picture of Napoleon Dynamite that says, heck yes, it's Friday? See, Napoleon Dynamite, I don't. I don't. You don't like? I don't. You can't even?

Pedro? I don't. You know what some might say? I can't even. I can't even. I can't even. And you know what? Really? The girl in the llama?

Don't give a fuck. Girl in the llama? Oh, that's right. In the Napoleon. And I am sick of molestable Mondays. I don't know why. How is that? I'm not sure how that took over.

How did that take over? I don't know. Yeah, well, I agree with you there. But yeah, a lot of hot takes and not a lot of sensitivity. Yes, it's a lot of rushing to the podium and say what they're wanting to try and say too fast without thinking about it. Ben Kissel, the tall man for the small man. He's going to change everything around. Going to change it all with the help of the cow men, the best band around.

There you go. And Jackie Zabrowski. Keep calm. It's Friday. What is the position you're running for again? Brooklyn Borough President. There you go. There Jackie Zabrowski. Keep calm. It's Friday. What is the position you're running for again? Brooklyn Borough President. There you go. There it is.

Friday is my second favorite F word. My first is food. See, I like that. My first is food. That would make me like, but is there a dog in the picture? How do you feel about it now that I tell you that there is a minion next to it? I thought it was going to be a dog. Well, yeah, I don't like that, but

you changed the picture. You keep those words. That's a fine meme. My favorite F word is fucking. Yeah, probably. I do believe that's true, probably. Fucking. Well, I don't know. What should we do? A segment? I gotta go. Oh, you gotta go. Now it's time for segment home. I have to go.

Time for segment home in Manila. Where does Ben have to go? Oh my god. We're talking Russian television. Oh, you got to go. Now it's time for segment one. I have to go. Time for segment one. Where does Ben have to go? Oh, my God. We're going to talk to Russian television. All right. This segment is how slow can you say a single sentence? Oh, my God. I will begin.

Are we bringing slow talking Morrison in this? Slow talking. We have time. Who's that? Who is that? I sit slow. Who is that? Hey, welcome.

Hey, everybody. It's great to have you here with us. you have to go somewhere where market shall

life begin Marcus and Slow Talkin' Morris shall I begin the segment now it's time for a segment from Slow Talkin' Morris I'll start she

can I go too? I also have to go to Russian television. We can all go. Yeah, we're all leaving together. I'm not going to let you guys do the show anymore. Why? Without me. Man

Man Man Are you trying to say she's a man baby? Ben. Are you trying to say she's a man baby? I don't think you said it properly, Ben. Baby. Thank you, Slow Talkin' Morris. Your turn. Ben.

Swing. Get in my belly That's just normal talk Oh, I was supposed to do it slow I think we're supposed to do it slow That's why I was like Oh, I thought you were just Okay, alright

It's actually really difficult to do Oh my god. Never mind. Eight years of podcast experience. Belly. I still did it with the accent. You did. So I'm proud of myself You should be

Mark Kiss It's difficult to do It's really difficult I forget what it says Oh my god That's gonna take forever I haven't got the F out yet.

I don't even know what that sounds like. There were just cars crashing in. Okay. No one's supposed to do it. Oh yeah, they're just crashing their cars crashing in. I don't want to do this. Okay. No one's supposed to do it. Oh, yeah. They're just crashing their cars all over North Carolina Highway right now. I can't give up. Ah!

Oh, my God. I feel like Hunter S. Thompson on his last moments. I feel like Hunter S. Thompson on his last moments. Well. Who won? Bye, Slow Talking Morris. Who won? Bye, Slow Talking Morris. Who won? Ben.

Whoa. That was very nice. Thank you, Slow Talking Morris. Thank you, Slow Talking Morris. Have a good one, buddy. Bye. Bye. All right, Slow Talking Morris. Bye.

Bye. That was a good guess. Bye. It was a good guess. Okay. That's wonderful. That's very difficult to do, to talk good kid. Bye. It was a good kid. Okay. That's wonderful. That's very difficult to do, to talk that slow. Yeah.

Now I think you have a little more respect for him. I do. Well, I've always had respect for the character work that Holden does. I mean, of course, that was not Holden. I'm Grouchy. I'm Grouchy. I like a... All right.

Well, that's fine. Pepper and chili. There it is. From Papa John's. I love it. Okay. Is that grouchy? Or crunchy?

I don't know what it is. It's crunchy. Okay, so this is the round table. Rate and review on iTunes, by the way. That would be amazing. We're doing great. The show's doing wonderful. Yeah, it's going really well.

We got products. Thumbs up. Products. So go in there, buy the Jackie Zebrowski. That's my name. That's my name. And the shirt that you're wearing now, Jackie. What does it say on there?

We don't sell this shirt. Oh, you don't? This is my personal shirt. That's just your shirt? This is my shirt. Never. You can't get it. I'm wearing my Hakuna Mufucka shirt.

Oh, all right. And check out these new shirts from Josh Rogers. I saw that's up there. That's up there. That's fun. Don't come at me with that. Don't come at me with that. But these Josh Rogers Holdenator shirts are really a masterpiece. I'm very pleased. That's fun. Don't come at me with that. Don't come at me with that. But these Josh Roger Holdinator shirts are really a masterpiece.

I'm very pleased. So thank you, Josh, for helping out the community. I will wear it home. I hope no one recognizes me. It might be weird, but they see me with my own shirt on. That's what I'm wondering. No, it's kind of fun. It's kind of fun.

I think we got to throw that out. I think it is kind of fun. And if you're not going to market yourself, no one's going to market you for you. Truth. Truth. All right, everyone. Well, I guess that's the whole show. Hold Nader's toe on Twitch and Jackanese

Dating Sims every Friday night at 6pm. We're doing the Cripple Girl Dating Sim. Katawa showed you she can't decide between the blind blonde or the one with no legs. I know and you know what that's different for me to go with someone that doesn't have any legs. I'm shocked I'm into the one with

no legs but I'm also into the one with no legs. These video games that you play are very strange. I got to say, we were over at your house recently. What's under that blanket? What's under that blanket? Genital jousting. Genital jousting. Yes, very strange.

But all right, everyone. We'll talk to you soon. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.