The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 331: Raccoons For Free

Episode Date: June 10, 2017

The gang is joined by Travis Irvine to learn about cats going on adventures, Vanilla Ice going Amish, and to make up their own Phantom of the Opera songs.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

Why don't you pray, Holden? Are we not praying? We came back hard last week. People are losing it. They want it. Bring back the prayer. Give me the prayer. I don't think I saw that.

Close your eyes for a guided meditation. No! I see open eyes. Everyone guided meditation. No. Okay. I see open eyes. Everyone's eyes are open. Everyone's eyes are open. Mine are closed. Close your eyes for a guided meditation. Okay?

Yeah. Okay. You are on the set of Xanadu. That's kind of exciting. What is Xanadu? It's a really bad sci-fi movie. Xanadu It's a really bad Sci-fi movie Xanadu

Yeah It's a musical Soundtrack But no one's ever Listened to it Mountains of cocaine Can I just say Those three fucking words

To get your whole bullshit Out of your fucking ass No question My name is Holden McNeely And you are currently In a guided meditation Oops Did I just say

What you're in That's right You're seeing the matrix For what it is Hello My name is Holden McNeely and you are currently in a guided meditation. Oops. Did I just say what you're in? That's right. You're seeing the matrix for what it is. Hello. My name is Holden McNeely and you're in a guided meditation on the set of Xanadu. Mountains of cocaine making you hyper. Yeah. You got to even it out.

So what are you going to do? A little Keith Richards Sunday special. You're going to shoot up some heroin before they call you to set. They call you to set. Oh, you're performing? Yes. You have to be the breast-sout Martian. You're the breast-sout Martian. Oh, my gosh.

You gotta dance and then jerk the director off. What is that I can do? The director, Bill Billfries. He's a mean old man with a scorpion's tail. Bill Billfries? Bill Billfries. Literally has a scorpion's tail, all right? He will jab

at you if you don't suck it good enough. He'll get you right in the back of the head. I thought it was a hand job. No, no, no. That's how it starts, Ed Larson. Mountains of cocaine. Hi, I'm Holden McNeely, and you're in a guided meditation right now. Oh, they know where they are. I'm sorry if fucking bullet time is freaking you out right now, but you're seeing the matrix

for what it is, okay? I'm telling you that right now. I'm the set of Xanadu. Yeah. Alright, now, but you're seeing the Matrix for what it is. Okay? I'm telling you that right now. I'm the set of Xanadu. All right. Now, call yourself a pussy. Open your eyes. I don't think you should do that. Say it out loud if you're on the bus. I'm doing good today.

It's actually a compliment for Jackie. Pussy. Pussy. I'm a fucking pussy. My name is fucking Richard and I am a fucking pussy. My name is fucking Richard, and I am a fucking pussy. If your name's Richard, though, you're fucking laughing your ass off right now. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I don't know if we have a lot of Richard listeners.

Open your stupid eyes. Wouldn't that be a dick, though? Do Richards even listen to this show? I never understood why a dick was a short. Come on, that joke. That's inappropriate. That was a good joke. I didn't hear it.

What was it? I mean, isn't he really a dick, though? If you're doing a show, a podcast called Inappropriate Joke Hour, time, place. Pussy, pussy, pussy. Unbelievable. Go back to normal. Open your eyes. You are now a part of the round table of gentlemen.

Everybody, I'm back, baby. Woo! Man, hold it. I went on this crazy trip. I went to Xanadu, and then I realized I was on this trip, and then the mountains of cocaine. Dairy meta. Yeah, it chewed my teeth.

Powerful stuff. This is the round table of gentlemen. Who's here? Jackie's here. We've got a lot of people here. I'm a pussy pussy. Very good, Jackie. Any other word you want to say today? I don't have a jizzy in front of me, so I don't know if I can do this. Why aren't you drinking today?

I've got a seltzer water. I've got my soda water. Yeah, but you don't have the gin in it. I know. It's disgusting without the gin in it. You getting sober here? No, no, no, no. I just forgot to get a drink.

It's interesting. Her whole body is vibrating. Yeah, I don't know how to do it. Do you want one of my beers? No, you only have three. I got enough for me. There's a whole bar with so much booze. Just go to the bar.

It is ten feet away from you. I think that this is a good social experiment. Yeah, I think this is an experiment. So far you've behaved worse than ever before. That's my goal. That's the thing is that you want me to be drunk. Hey everybody, I'm Jaggy. I'm pussy pussy pussy.

Edward Larson's in studio. For how long has it been, Eddie? A couple of months here? No. A week? I was here last week. This happens every time Ed comes back. You're like, oh, what have you been gone for three years? Three, four years? And he goes, no! Forget if he's ever on the show. Yeah, I'm around.

I'm here, baby. What's going on? I miss you. Yes, you do. What's, um, the color you. Yes, you do. The color of your shirt's a football field in diameter. Is that a joke, Eddie? No, I'm just making an observation. Your shirt is very big on you. Even for you. I feel like you lost weight.

No, I didn't lose weight. I look horrible. Really? I can see your clavicles. I can never see your clavicles. Maybe it's because you have a blazer on. Yeah. Your skin looks good.

Thank you. I ordered something off of Instagram, that skin peel. Have you seen that sponsored ad? Oh, have you gotten it yet? No, I haven't gotten it yet. I ordered it two weeks ago. It's going to hurt. I know.

It looks so fun. I think we should all do baby feet together. What's baby feet? I just hate the name baby feet. You cut off the top of your feet And then it's just Tiny little stubs You have to get Tiny feet

Why would you want To do that? Baby feet Oh my goodness I'm Ed Larson Japanese love it Yeah Alright Ed Larson

Is here Holdenators How many does it get Marcus? Five Man Five Shout outs

You get five shout outs Wow Welcome To the PlayStation Network A show told five man five shout out you have five shout outs wow welcome to the playstation network and i'll be giving you some playstation shout out you could really milk it if you do that so what is it slow joe oh yeah mama don't let him know no no no no no what is it what's the name of that character slow talking morris no Morris. No, Slow Talkin' Morris. PlayStation Network shout-outs? No, not for PlayStation Network shout-outs. That could take us right to the segment.

100% serious here. That will take 20 minutes. Oh, no, is there a horn honking close by? Do I hear the rat rustling? No, no, I was just suggesting. You can do one as Slow Talkin' Morris if you want. I got long ones, brother. I don't think you want that.

It's got to be the shortest one can be done as Slow Talkin' Morris. Well, not your mate. I told him. I'll think about it. Thanks for accepting our special request. Amart303 says, Holdenators, no. Fuck the PlayStation Network shoutouts. I can't believe Lexi agreed to be your lizard queen.

Got to give Marcus a jumumbo Shrimp shirt when last podcast came to Denver. Love all the shows. Bring Henry back and 1, 2, 3, 4. We are the Jumbo Shrimp. Here to play our game. Resurrect Bird Luger from the dead. When are we gonna have Kevin back on this fucking

show? In like two weeks he's coming to test. He's writing on that Carmichael show right now. No, totally. He's been in Hawaii and K-Ku. He's in Mexico. He was working very hard. Working very hard, that man. Getting paid.

Made me go to a rooftop bar. It was like $15 a drink. I love rooftop bars. You can always jump off it. Good to see you're back. Did Kissel just come fucking back? see you're back. Yeah. Did Kissel just come fucking back? He did come back. In his way?

Big time. Big time. 2017, baby. Uh-huh. Sean Rittner says, tell Ian Brannon he left his computer mouse at my apartment, but I sold it to a homeless juggalo for half a 40-ounce bottle of candy apple flavored Faygo, and that he isn't a real psychopathic writer. Whoop, whoop. Hatchet writer. Whoop, whoop!

Hatchet men, whoop, whoop! Is that selling it? It's trading it. That's a barter. That's a barter. I don't know if that would be technically selling it. I feel like they're the one group of people who don't deserve a voice. The juggalos?

The juggalos? I'm a low, and you know. You know we're low. You're not doing well speaking up for him. Oh, very good jab, Ed. Thank you. Kingmob1911 says, I would like to dispatch a shout-out to Hair Kissel. This is his dermatologist, Dr. Skingala.

Thank you. That's very nice. Oh, I thought he was going to stomp on me. Yeah, Eddie's about to have a heart attack.. That would be God, Eddie. Heart attack. CloudyDay999 says, Dr. Skin Glow got me. P.S. And shout out,

Holdenators Ho, tell Ben he has a CCR fan from his hometown of Stevens Point, Wisconsin. All right. And to keep kicking ass, Marcus, you're my boy. Boy.

And my man crush, Jackie, you make me weirdly aroused each episode. Thank you and call me. Why weirdly? I don't know. I can fuck.

Maybe it's because you say things like, I'm pussy. Doesn't that turn everybody on? No. No. Why? Holden, you were the- Do you have to ask why? Do you have to ask why?

Have you hit more than five? What, pussies? No. No. Hold on. One, two, three. We're in number, steep in number four. All right.

Holden, you are the only person that I think is lazier than me. Hats off to you, sir. Keep doing you over there in the Mecca or NYC. Hashtag PSN shout outs. And then finally, we've got. I think that was it. We've got. No, no.

This is number four. Number five. XM4. Oh, number five, rather. XM4G3RKX says, Nice, fluid name. Yes, good tag. PSN shout out.

Ben is the greatest. Jackie is the bestest. Marcus is the coolest. Holden is the craziest. No ad, though. I'm saying that. He didn't say that. Oh, as long as he didn't write that. No, he didn't say no ad, though.

I've been missing. That'd be weird to just say no ad. Yeah, no, it'd be hurtful. Love CCR and looking forward to last podcast in Houston, which I believe. Oh, yeah. We already. You were way behind. A while ago.

Yeah, yeah. That was way behind. You only let me do five. Well over a month ago. Yeah, they all. At this point, they're all shocked when I do theirs. Yeah. Takes so long.

So thank you, everybody. You're welcome. You don't have to raise your hand like they're here. Okay. Why are you signing off like Johnny Carson? Oh, I love Johnny Carson. Did you see that picture of Johnny Carson when he was like 25 years old? She was extremely attractive.

He was a dancer. He was a dancer? He was a dancer. Really? A talent man of all kinds. He was. He was indeed talented, speaking of talented. Travis Irvine is with us today.

Thanks for being here, Travis. Hong Kong, hello. Boing, boing, boing. All right, look at that. That's a great impression of a springboard. Travis is a man who wears many hats. He does. Parades.

Baseball hats. Indiana Jones hats. Yeah, rodeo hats. Bees. I think it's a cowboy hat. I'm not sure. All different kind of hats. Garbage man's hat.

What is a garbage man's hat? That's my favorite hat. That's the only profession that doesn't wear a hat. I thought it was a bag. I just put a leather boot on it and I take the trash out of the apartment. Well, that's a garbage bag is what you meant. Do you think we have garbage men who listen to the show? I hope so.

I love garbage men. Are you allowed to listen to podcasts while you're lifting garbage? All the garbage men I see are the I've got headphones in for sure. Yeah, I don't think it matters. Yeah, the garbage isn't going to care. This could be a good issue for you for BK4BK. More music for garbage men or podcasts for garbage men. Absolutely.

Garbage men are needed. I love garbage men. They're amazing. They make good money. Save your salary for garbage. I bet you the average salary. 100 grand, I think. Yeah, I was going to say 100 to 120 grand, the average salary of a garbage.

Really? I think so, because it's a job that not a lot of people want to do. Sanitation worker. It's hard. They deserve it. Is garbage man considered not politically correct? You guys say sanitation worker. Is that right?

Yeah. Well, that makes a lot of sense. Because a garbage man is like a piece of shit. Well, yeah. But not a sanitation. Yeah, well. Whatever. I don't think garbage men are the people.

They don't care. They're tough. They're old school. Now, Ben and Travis, you're roommates men are the people they don't care. They're tough. They're old-school now Bennett Travis your roommates That is career. We are you give each other a criticism sandwich? Say one nice thing the same thing as always one night. Yeah, it's the same stuff. We've already discussed many times Yeah, just you know it's actually pretty it's how's the tub? How's the tub? The tub is fine Shit free It is shit free right now Now that you've left Must have been Lexi

Very interesting Must have been Lexi Wow Must have been Lexi Could have been Mike We never know Yeah I think it is Mike actually Changing stances

He's always like Mike is the mysterious Third roommate He has some Personal issues Leaky ass. Yeah. One of them.

It's fine. Once you hit a certain age, if something drops out of your ass you weren't expecting, it happens. I had a close call at the airport today. There you go. Again? You just shit yourself. I'm bad at the airport.

What do you do before you fly? I eat. Why? And I have coffee. I don't know. I got it. I made it. All right. Very coffee. I don't know. I got it. I made it. Alright. Very good. Stop with the close calls at the airport.

I'll tell you what though. Two more times on the nuts since we last talked. Huh? That you shat yourself on an airplane? No, since I grabbed my fucking nuts. Oh. I think you meant two more times you've shit on your own nuts. Yeah. I mean, that's impressive. I can't do a handstand anymore.

Oh my goodness. That's right. Well, that's good though. That's good. Is it because they think that you're hiding something in your pants

because your nuts are so big? It shows up on the fucking swoops. He's got some kind of, I wasn't hearing the word. They jumped up the juice on him. I got it three times in a row and I just got two more times since. You get that pre-check. Get that checked out. I gotta get the fucking pre-check. I got it three times in a row, and I just got two more times since. Get that pre-check.

Get that checked out. I got to get the fucking pre-check. Yeah, buddy. All right, Marcus, do you have a news story? A Salt Lake City man is among a growing number of people who take their cats on outdoor adventures. Do they want to go on the outdoor adventures? No, that's because they want the cat to run away. Oh, I see.

Yeah, cats can go on their own outdoor adventures. Well, any human who thinks that hasn't met Ruger, Bug, or Nunu, they haven't encountered Helena the basket-riding tuxedo cat or Sushi the salmon and white rescue who's been in a harness and walking on a leash since she was 10 weeks old. There's no way that this cat likes that. Look, here's a picture of a cat. Let's see. On a boat. Now, the cat might like that. That's no way that this cat likes that. Look, here's a picture of a cat. Let's see. On a

boat. Now the cat might like that. That's so cool. Because then you're hunting the big fish. He doesn't like that. It's water. Cats don't usually like water. I don't think that's true. Well, they don't swim in it, but they can ride on a boat like that guy. Yeah, but how did he get on the boat? What if he falls off the fucking thing?

Oh, he's dead. Cats are nimble. Yeah, they always land on their feet, I guess. I don't know what happens in the water. I'm going to name that cat Kiko. Kiko? Oh, that's a fun name. I thought his name was Sushi. No.

Which is kind of an insulting name for a cat. Why? It's like Colin Ben Chili Beef. Oh, it is what I eat. I think it's fun, yeah. I love chili beef. Vegetarian chili is my favorite thing to eat. What's chili beef?

Hormel vegetarian chili. That's what I eat. In a can? That's how it comes. Otherwise, how else do you get it? You can call me fingernails. Yes. I've got to stop eating my fingernails, by the way.

I still bite them. Are you a biter? I'm a biter. My mom used to put on that toxic lotion, nail polish, but then he just got used to it. It tastes like a salt in vinegar chip. That's why you gotta

use other people's shit. If you put other people's shit on your fingers, you'll definitely never get used to that. How do you collect it? Sneak around in the bathrooms. Yeah, your mom could just use her own. Oh, I see. This is in New York City, dude.

I don't know. You have all the public access to human feces you have. It's all over. And your fingertips, literally. You put it on your fingertips. Starbucks. Starbucks coffees, yeah. There you go.

All right. Well, Laura J. Moss, the author of a new book called Adventure Cats, said such excursions may not be for every cat, but owners won't really know unless they try. The stimulation and connection with nature are invaluable, she said. Nearly two years ago, Moss started a website, AdventureCats.org, connecting enthusiasms of adventure catting around the globe. Huh.

All right. So what's AdventureCat.com? Who are those guys? Dot org. Dot org. Oh, no, I'm saying you had a good org because... Who got AdventureCats.com? Yeah, that's the one I was asking.

AdventureCat.com. There's nothing there. Oh, man. Why would you go with dot org? Sell it to the other guys, AdventureCats.com. What's wrong with you? Like someone sitting on AdventureCats.com. That could be big money, AdventureCats.com.

AdventureCats.gov. Oh, my God. Why not? Oh, boy. Fix this place up. Cats in charge. Well, so they claim the cats enjoy it. They think that, they say that the cats love it. It's called

Adventure Catting. Do we ever know what... Buzzy, buzzy, buzzy. Oh, I know. All right. I made this argument last time. What if when cats seem like they enjoy something, that's actually them trying to show us that they don't enjoy something. Like when you slap it. Yeah.

I don't know. Craig Armstrong in Salt Lake City takes his black rescue, Millie, rock climbing in the desert nearly every weekend with a quote unquote buddy who owns a fellow feline adventurer named Kenneth. Seems like one of those cats that's in those positive dentist posters. Hang in there. Hang in there. Did you put the quotes around buddy? I put the quotes around buddy. And you can call anything

an adventure. That's what's great about adventures. That's the thing. You could call a freaky sex weekend an adventure if you wanted to. Reading a book. Going to the dentist. That's an adventure in your mind. Those are all actually kind of adventures. Reading the book. I've lived a thousand lives in my books.

Speaking of adventures, Marcus, why is there a box labeled mouth? Oh, that's from mouth.com. Oh, okay. Someone sent it to us. What's mouth.com? They sell teeth. Marcus gets a lot of teeth.

They sell disembodied mouths. Someone did give me their baby teeth at a show last weekend. Jesus Christ with these people. It was their baby teeth, not their baby's teeth. No, it was not their own baby. It was their baby teeth that they had saved and put in a little glass jar for me. I got my baby teeth. They gave them all of them?

You got your baby teeth? Just two. You don't have your baby teeth? No. I got a couple. I have a couple somewhere. I got some hair. What?

Wait, you've got some hair. Some baby hair. I found some blonde curly locks that I used to have. Why would you keep your hair? My mom kept it. I found it. That's normal. Anything that a witch could find and curse me with is good

and gone. That's actually the smartest thing you've ever said. There you go. Thank you. They can use anything. They gotta use something close. They gotta use something personal. Like a piece of hair or something. That's what I'm saying. You can't get rid of that. This is replaced.

What about your leaky puss? My leaky pus? I collect it and I burn it. Just like any sane fucking piece of shit would do. True. You know what? Everybody's fucked. That's what I learned this week.

Everyone's a fucking bottle of lard waiting to fucking go down the goddamn waterfall. And guess what, Poppy? Ain't no heaven down there, right? It's a bunch of weird fucking squid men. It's a strange, strange pep talk for our softball team. Now, when you said Poppy, were you talking to a father or a bagel? Get out there and play some softball. Get out there.

And the cool mom came today, So we got Cokes for intermission That's what I remember You shouldn't I remember the cool mom Once a soccer game Once a soccer game out of the season Should I say The cool mom showed up

With a thing full of Cokes We get to drink Cokes At halftime And then just feel horrible It's a stupid thing to bring kids It's horrible Her son is probably an oxyatic right now Oh my god It's a stupid thing to bring kids. Her son is probably an oxy addict right now. Oh, my God.

It's an epidemic. She was like, come here, little vanilla ice. That's what she called you? No, that was the boy of the cool mom. Oh, it was vanilla ice's mother. The rapper now home remodeler. Yeah, baggy pants and everything. He's a home remodeler.

He's going to show you. Ice raid baby. Come on. Yeah, okay. Not quite sure there, but We miss Daddy! Yeah, he remodels homes. And they're pretty good, apparently. I don't think, well, actually, I think there might have been

a scandal where it was done horribly. That was the Amish show, I believe. Oh, the Amish one. The Amish Mafia show? No, no, it was called like Ice Goes Amish or something. Vanilla Ice Goes Am believe. Oh, the Amish one. Yeah, yeah. The Amish Mafia show? No, no. It was called, like, Ice Goes Amish or something. Vanilla Ice Goes Amish. Yes. Oh, did he really? We were very close.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I guess the Amish don't know about his music, huh? He didn't do well in the Amish world. He didn't? Look, here's a picture of him with a baby goat. Oh. I mean, Amish still had the dumb facial hair, though. Yeah, he has never abandoned that facial hair.

Yeah. It's very interesting. Very interesting. You would think one day you'd just shave it off. You'd think. You'd think. He didn't do it. Put on a suit, shave off the hair.

So cats are surfing now, climbing mountains. It's great. I'm very against it. Okay. So let's see here, Marcus. Is there another news story? There is another news story. We've got plenty of time for news stories. We actually don't we have like 20 more minutes left. Yeah

We have to do the news story to get to the news Argue about it more for another five minutes It's a story that's in the news Guy guys Why don't we just do another guided meditation? What is the news story anyway? It's a story that's in the news. You got any of those, Marcus? A guy got his penis stuck in a wrench. Oh, God. His penis in a wrench? How is that a news story? And as if getting his penis stuck in a wrench wasn't embarrassing enough,

he had to get the help of various different groups to have it freed. Various different groups? And doctors couldn't help, so they called firefighters who armed themselves with an angle grinder. Oh, no. You can't do that. This is embarrassing for this guy. Hey, chick, get the angle grinder.

No, no, no. Which is only used for these circumstances. Never been used before. But they thought much better of the idea, decided not to go with the angle grinder, much to the relief of the unnamed 37-year-old bachelor. How did he?

Well, I can't believe he's not married. How did he do that? Get the claws of life. Oh, my God, yeah. Well, he went to a hospital nearly a full day after he got his genitals trapped. His penis had become swollen and had turned purple by the time he sought medical help. Oh, my goodness.

And doctors wanted to carry out an operation to reduce the blood flow so that they could remove the tool from his tool. That was in the article? That's in the article. That was in the article. That wasn't mine. That wasn't mine. I can't.

I can't. I can't take care of it. You know what I say? Send him to the article. That was in the article. That wasn't mine. That wasn't mine. I can't. I can't take care of it. You know what I say? Send them to the moon. Yeah, put them all on the moon. Put them all on the moon. Send them to the moon. We should take anybody, criminals, anything we don't want and put them on the moon. Moon them.

Moon them. Send them up there. That's total recall. Right? No, that's Mars. I know, but it is the exact same thing. I mean, we're going to need Mars total recall. No, that's Mars. We're going to need Mars, so we'll leave that one alone. Yeah. We need Mars. It's got water on it. Put the criminals on the moon.

The dick criminals. Just the penis ones. Shall we say the keepers of the world. Put them on the moon. The borrowers, the takers, all of them. Yes. Well, they contacted the fire brigade who brought the angle grinder with them, but they said the heat generated by the machine would pose a danger to the patient.

However, one of the doctors said that she had studied a similar case during a seminar and suggested they get a hold of a dentist. A dentist? Uh-huh. Two arrived with a dental trill that rotates at 200,000 times a minute. They said a dental engine also has a high-pressure water cooler to reduce the heat caused by the drilling. And after testing the drill on a wrench from the firefighter's toolbox, the man was freed within 30 minutes by the dentist without suffering further injury.

It is not known why he had the wrench on his penis. Isn't the wrench the one with the knobby that you turn and it opens it So what's the problem you grease it? Why is it not? Novocaine the dick if you got the dentist around What happens when you put things that when you put your deck through like coals like that a lot of times it becomes swollen On the other end the end that has already come out You can't needle it back through. I saw those videos where people get the rings off their fat fingers.

Yeah, they take the string, right? You take dental floss. Penis ain't a finger. Penis ain't a finger. I learned that the hard way. That is extremely true. You can't poke somebody that way. No, you do not. I guess you can.

You can, but it will be too... And then you get sent to the moon. You get mooned. Yeah, you get sent to the moon with your head. Moon them out. All right, well, that was a heck of a story. I'm not quite sure if it was technically a news story. It was, I mean, it was a thing.

I don't know if it was newsworthy. It was a thing that happened. It was reported on. And now we're debating a news story. I don't know if it was worthy of the news. We've talked about goats on roofs before. That's a news story because you think about how you get up there. How do you get up there?

Yeah, but think of like the clown car of people that had to come and help out this dude. Yeah. Well, he's just been like, my dick, my dick, my dick. It really is a living dirty joke. Yeah. It really is. And then the dentist comes in. Yeah, yeah.

And she's smoking hot so the dick's getting harder. She'll go, I'm sorry, my tits fell on your dick. Why is it? He's like, why? Why the tits on my tits? Oh, my God. Jerk it off. I found the goat story.

Yay! That's an old story. Yeah, it was the goat that only respects one man. Vanilla ice. Yeah, it was on the roof Yelling hey Yeah it was in Oregon The guy said They told the police

When they got there The goat was stuck on the roof They said the goat will charge you That goat only respects one man Oh that's exciting It's on So the goat charges people To see it on the roof

Unless it's the owner Admission What's that? Was that a joke? Admission Admission. What's that? Was that a joke? Admission. Admission. Yeah. Yeah. Good job, Jackie. God, get me a drink. I know. What are you doing?

Jackie needs a drink. You're sabotaging the whole program with my sober ass. Say pussy a bunch. Pussy, pussy, pussy. Am I still funny? Am I still funny? You're funny. I don't know. I'm not, we'll see, we'll see. Am I still funny? Am I still funny? You're funny. I don't know. I'm not sure what humor is anymore, quite frankly.

But that's fine. Oh, that same day, the cops rescued an $1,100 parakeet named Josie. That's an expensive parakeet. What kind of fun place do these cops patrol? Portland. That's Portland. That's all Portland. What a whammy city.

$1,100 for a parakeet? Oh, yeah. They're very expensive. Yeah, and the bird was reunited with its owner after a woman spotted an apparently homeless man pushing a shopping cart with a large bird perched on top of a giant cage. But parakeets don't even talk. I think they do talk. They're pretty.

No, they chirp, chirp, chirp. Don't parakeets talk? Chirp, chirp, chirp. $1,100? They don't shut up. I think they do talk. No, parakeets don't talk. No, they're just parrots and minor birds.

You can get a raccoon for free. Yeah, you can get an animal for free. That is true. You can get a raccoon for free. You can get a possum for free. I don't know if you guys saw this. This might be bullshit, but there's this picture of this hunter holding a giant possum. It's like,

I found this cat on the side of the road. Anybody who wants to claim it, it's a very funny picture. I just wanted to bring it up because you can get a possum for free. Do you see it, Marcus?

Is it there? That's a big possum. That is a giant. It's got a human-like face. How big is it? Oh, that's not the one. That is a big possum. I saw a big possum outside my house when I was barbecuing.

Oh, really? Yeah. Very intense. Scary. I was throwing shit at it, but then I just realized it was food. Oh, yeah. Well, they probably wanted something that you were barbecuing there. Possums are dreadful creatures.

Yeah, the possum's an interesting one. I would tell you about the cop I knew, Corrupt Carl. He hit this giant possum in the face with a bat, and then I just hissed at him and walked away. Wait a second, are you from Florida? No, I'm not. Why was he Corrupt Carl? We just called him that because it was fun.

He was a motorcycle cop. He stole Nick Nolte's wife. Oh, that's why he's corrupt. I remember Corrupt Carl, yeah. Yeah, very strange. Are they still together? What? He and Nick Nolte's wife, are they that's why he's corrupt. I remember Corrupt Carl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, very strange. Are they still together? What? He and Nick Nolte's wife, are they still together?

I don't know. I lost touch with Corrupt Carl. How did he date Nick Nolte's wife? He stole her. It was a badass hot motorcycle cop and just stole her from him. Yes, please. Maybe it was during the filming of Blue Chips. Nick Nolte was in Blue Chips, right?

Yeah, but that wasn't filmed in Miami. It was probably something more tropical. I liked Blue Chips. I love Blue Chips. Blue Chips is a good movie. Shaxx and Blue Chips. Yeah, but that wasn't filmed in Miami. It was probably something more tropical. I liked Blue Chips. Blue Chips is a good movie. Shaxx and Blue Chips too, right? Shaxx and Penny Hardaway. That was one of the Saturday afternoon HBO movies

I'd always watch if it was on. Ed O'Neill was in it. Ed O'Neill was in it. That's right. No kidding. Ed O'Neill's been in everything that's ever mattered.

Best basketball movie, Hoop Dreams? No. Hoop Dreams isn't even about basketball. It's about dreams. I like Blue Chips, I think, actually. Blue Chips, Best basketball movie, Hoop Dreams? No. Hoop Dreams isn't even about basketball. It's about dreams. I like Blue Chips, I think, actually.

Blue Chips, best basketball movie ever? Hoosiers is really good. Space Jam. The era of Space Jam. Damn it. I want the era. The era with Kevin Bacon.

Kevin Bacon teaches Africans how to play basketball. The era of Space Jam. Oh, yeah. And he becomes one of the tribes. What do you mean? A white man can't jump.

Are there monsters in any of these movies? Love and basketball. Above the Rim. Above the Rim was very good. Two moccasins in it. Yeah, that was a good one as well. Yo, I gotta go Space Jam. I think Space Jam is the number one.

Celtic Pride. Celtic Pride is a kidnapping movie. It's a great film. That's right. It is a good movie. Teen Wolf? Teen Wolf. No, that's not basketball. Technically a kidnapping movie. It's a great film. That's right. It is a good movie. Teen Wolf? Teen Wolf. No, that's not a basketball movie.

Technically a basketball movie. When he turns into the werewolf and everybody gets quiet in the middle of the basketball game and the ref just looks up and says, play ball is the greatest moment ever. They all just accept it. What about Eddie starring Whoopi Goldberg? That is, no. I have his shirt. It is a basketball movie.

Is it? Well, she runs the Knicks. Oh, okay. Oh, forget Paris. Do you remember that movie? He's the ref. Oh, you can't have the ref be the star of a basketball movie. It has to be a basketball player.

No, no. What about basketballs? Basketball, not a basketball movie, but that was a great movie. A basketball movie, and it's pretty good. Air Bud. Oh, that is it. That is the best one. I was going to mention Air Bud.

Othello was a basketball movie. That's just racist. No, well, that's with the remake. The new one. Oh, yeah. Remake, yeah, yeah. But I have a best movie with a black guy in it. Best movie with a black guy in it.

Man, I mean, I don't know if I've seen one. What? No, I'm just kidding. I don't know. Moonlight. Let's keep going. Moonlight. Let's keep going. Moonlight. All right, so we got the goat on the roof.

Cats are surfing, huh? Goats on the roof, cats on the surfboard. Everyone's happy. Okay. Wrenches on the penis. Wrenches on the penis. Cats on the roof, wrench on the penis, goats on the roof. Let's get married.

Sounds like a strange Texas bar conversation. Mouth in the box. Yeah, well, you don't want that. I got an Arby's story for you. Arby's? Those are always good. Arby's is very good. Not an Arby's fan.

You worked at one, right? Yeah, for quite a while. I didn't even get fired. I quit. Wow. Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you so much.

You could still probably go back. I could, yeah, if I ever want to get a job at Arby's again. Although, I did... Steve's point? No, that was in Menominee, Wisconsin. Yeah, it was an Arby's Sbarro. So when you're a company meal, you got to choose. That was pretty good.

That's a great deal. Not a bad company meal. Before anyone eats it, it's all liquid. Oh, the meat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sbarro, too. No, Sbarro is pretty solid food. Yeah, you know.

A Birmingham police sergeant is biting mad after he bit into a one-inch bolt in his Arby's classic roast beef sandwich. What? Now, why is that on the menu? I've only ever heard biting mad before. Biting mad? Yeah. It hurts my teeth just thinking about it.

Yeah. Does it shatter his teeths? That happened to me once. I once served a salad with a screw in it. It just happens. No, it doesn't. It does. I mean, it did, but it doesn't just happen.

It does. Did you put the screw in it? No, I didn't fucking put the screw in it. How did the screw get in the salad? It came off of the fucking shelf above it. Huh. And did you see it doesn't just happen. Did you put the screw in it? How did the screw get in the salad? It came off of the fucking shelf above it. And did you see it before? No. I set the back and I was like, anything you want.

Oh, there you go. I'm like, I want your job. The police officer said he doesn't know if the bolt was intentionally placed there because he is a police officer. Or whether it was a machine malfunction, which Arby's officials claim. But either way, he said it's unacceptable. I have to agree with this police officer. It is unacceptable to have a bolt in your, what was it, a bacon cheddar? He said, I don't know.

It was classic roast beef. Oh, yeah. Those are 99 cents. You want no bolts, you got to fork up some cash. Get the bacon cheddar. He said, I don't know how you make a sandwich with a bolt that large in it and not be intentional. I can't wrap my head around that. Wow, he can't wrap his head around it.

Interesting. Sounds like a fucking asshole. He's a victim of a bolt crime. Yeah. I don't know, but you can let it go if you want to. I think I might report the bolts. I think at that point. Maybe.

I don't know. I've had some horrible service in my life and I don't think, I mean, I think I might report the bolts. I think at that point. Maybe. Oh, I don't know. I've had some horrible service in my life and I don't even, I just don't care. Well, they could just maybe be aware. Just don't do it next, just try to not to do it next time. Less bolts in the burgers. Yeah. Just to check a little. That's a quick check to find a giant bolt. I mean, if it's

a tiny thing. If I see a hair in my fucking bullshit, by the way, what's your, I just fucking, I'm cool. Right? I remove the hair and I fucking eat. When people get up their own fucking dick and balls about that shit and go complain and shit and send shit back.

Who the fuck do you think you are? It looks like a pubic hair though. My chest hair looks like pubic hair. I will send your chest hair back as well. How do you get the chest hair onto a salad? That is kind of disgusting. The only thing I've ever actually sent back because I was so disgusted was someone that obviously was chewing on their fingernails,

so it was a ripped off fingernail. And that made me almost threw up all over. I'm talking about a hair. It might be mine. At the same place place I accidentally served a salad with a wasp in it once yeah so don't go

to that place yeah where did you work where was it well it comes in the produce sometimes and you don't really notice we've had bees

in the produce yeah yeah yeah it comes in one time I got I didn't serve this to anybody but one time I got a case of celery

and it was filled with frogs what it was fucking disgusting tiny little frogs tiny little frogs I had to bring it back to the place yeah where'd you get it of celery and it was filled with frogs. What? It was fucking disgusting. Tiny little frogs? Tiny little frogs. I had to bring it back to the place.

Where'd you get it from? I mean, where were there frogs? The produce place next to BW3 in Tallahassee. Oh, well, oh, in Florida. I thought you meant in New York. I was like, man, where did they fucking come from? There was a bunch of frogs in it, though. It was weird. I was like, oh, one frog.

I was like, ah, you know. But then you get to your eighth frog, you're like, all right, I gotta set this back. It was weird. I was like a one frog. I was like, ah, you know. But then you get to your eighth frog and you're like, alright, I gotta set this back. Were they alive? I didn't know that after two. Were they alive, though, Ed? No, they were dead. Baby frogs.

Frog legs? Isn't that like a thing? I see that in... No, they were little baby guys. You couldn't really do anything with the frog legs. The frogs themselves were smaller than cherries. I think given birth, if you could give birth to a giant head of lettuce, it'd be fucking comfy as hell. That sounds nice.

Yeah. I'd figure that'd be a good place. And get a painting there, or a picture. There's a frog pooping out. It didn't know. Woman frog. Just squirted its fucking... Well, they're tadpoles they had to have grown

right so how do you how do you even justify that I guess you keep the lettuce wet and then the tadpoles swim around in the lettuce

science is crazy ass I don't think any of that is science no science is fucking bonkers I mean everything's science if you break it down

far enough yeah but you didn't we're getting there yeah you stopped us yeah we got to the water.

Yeah. The tadpoles. Free frog. Free frog. You put wetter in lettuce. I was celery though. But celery needs water. Yeah.

A lot of things need water. And then you go boozy, boozy, boozy, boozy. Hey! Hey! Very creative, Jackie. Oh, man. You really got us

out of a gym. Bone sober. I'm sober, too, and it's freaking me out. Freaking me out. I'm sober. You got a beer in your hand. Three beers. I'm a beer and a half in.

I don't get drunk until 10. I don't know if that's true. Oh, no, that's the way. 10 p.m. He can drink whatever he wants until 10 p.m., and then he turns into a drunk asshole. Oh, my. What should we do? Should we do a segment here?

Segments are, there's stories, there's, you know. Well, I think we, I mean, I got a, you got a Gary, you got a Gary here, you got a segment from Old McNally? Yeah, I got one I'm making up right now. Just take a time one week and write 40 segments. A bunch of them, right? Right in a row. And then just put them in your phone and then just work down the list.

How long have we been doing this show? Oh, my God. I never thought about to do none of that. I never not thought about it. Water parks. We all love to go to them. Oh, man. I was just trying to say Reno.

That was literally last week's segment. No, it wasn't last week with Circus Freaks. I feel like we've done water parks recently, though. All right, we got to come up with a new song for the Phantom of the Opera. Let's do water parks. I'll do water parks. You got burned. That was good Eddie

Alright I'll tell you what I'm an ugly man In front of a piano Hello everybody Yeah Kill him Kill him Kill him please

You can't just win it Right out of the gate So you have to come up With a new song For Phantom of the Opera You should be famous You gotta come up With a new song

For Phantom of the Opera And a new slide For a water park Oh for Phantom of the Opera and a new slide for a water park. Ooh, a Phantom of the Opera-themed water park. So you come out, you sing the song, and then you slide down the custom slide. What is it, Bird's Alive? Is that his whole deal? Well, that's why you need all the water.

Yeah. Oh, I see. So you light someone on fire and then send them down the slide. Okay, so I'll start with the song. This is the hiding song. Hiding, hiding, hiding, hiding, hiding. I'm hiding song. Hiding, hiding, hiding, hiding, hiding. I'm hiding song. Hiding, hiding, hiding, hiding, hiding.

You are a bastard, father. You are a mean one, mom. Do not listen to your older people in your life. Hiding, hiding, hiding, hiding, hiding, hiding, hiding. If you find me, I will grab you and I'll tickle on your balls. Hiding, hiding, hiding, hiding, hiding, hiding, hiding. If you find me, I will slip on a banana and I'll fall. And the slide is.

Slightly more annoying than Adam Sandler. I think you might be. And the slide is. Like a whistle slide? It's ice cold. Ice luge. Freezing cold. Oh, yeah, I've had that.

Freezing cold. And at yeah. I've had that. Yeah. Freezing cold. And at the bottom is a hot tub. So you slide down an ice luge, freezing cold temperatures. Heart attack the ride. Yes. It's called the heart attack. Yeah.

It's called the heart attack. And you slide down the ice luge. You are locked into the tube for like 15, just on the ice, freezing. And then you get shot out right into a hot tub. Ooh. Heart attack the ride. That's really fun. Yeah, thank you. That sounds really nice.

Exactly. I'm trying to win. I don't play the loose. Yeah, because you're cold, but then you get hot. And I had to make up for the song. You're sliding on ice with no shirt on. Yeah, but then you get hot in the hot tub. Yeah.

I'm trying to see if there's a heart attack, right? Um because I think they're ready to the song no no It's in London the heart attack ride is in London yeah, yeah, oh never mind close down too many people died Close down? Too many people died? Teenager sues Disney after suffering a heart attack on Roller Coaster. Actually, holy shit, there was a ride at Action Park in New Jersey that was exactly this. Are you serious? There was a heart attack. Action Park's so famous.

It was a slide that specifically had cold water and a man had a heart attack during it. Awesome. Hell yes. Did you know about that? Fucking rock and roll. Action Park was definitely shut down because people just beat up and murdered there. Hell yeah.

Everyone was having heart attacks. Fucking Bam Halen rules. Oh, that's right. Yeah, there's a whole weird documentary on it. Yeah, you gotta check it out. Ooh, really? What's the documentary called? Action Park.

Okay, great. Travis, sing us a song, Piano Man. Hiding, hiding, hiding, hiding, hiding hiding hiding hiding hiding song wait it's you guys like the when he does it I don't like that song Travis those are really creative song hey it was quick less screechy wasn't as loud as I had a singing curtain and I am here to say no all right No. Travis. They need more carrot. All right. Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy song. Pussy, pussy song. Oh, that's Jackie's song.

And then the ride. Pussy song, the ride? No, no, no. What is the slide? Oh, shit. That's right. Okay. I haven't eaten today.

I'm sorry. You gotta eat. I haven't eaten either. Travis doesn't eat. He's worse. It's almost six o'clock in the evening. I know. I saw the film last week. He's like, I can't believe it. We're eating eat. He's worse. It's almost 6 o'clock in the evening. I know.

I saw you last week. You said, I can't believe it. We're eating meals. Yeah. What are you talking about? I was shocked that Ed had two meals a day. I've already eaten like five times today. I feel great.

How about a ride where you live in an apartment with a giant? And sometimes there's chips on the floor. And sometimes there's poop in the toilet. And sometimes there's poop in the toilet. And sometimes it's in the shower. And everyone's lost their keys except you. All right. Well, that doesn't seem like a ride. That's a scary ride.

It's a great ride. It's like a Halloween ride. My song is just, ah, I hate life. And that's exactly what that is. You're doing great, Ben. You're doing so good. No, I'm doing fine. No, he's singing for a family opera. That's his song.

That's his song. Yeah, exactly, because he doesn't ever find love. And quite frankly, he would like to be on stage, but he has to be in the Raptors. And then the ride is when your roommate doesn't pick up after you, after you put a bunch of chips on the floor. Which is a nightmare for me. I'm the Rep in Raptors, and I'm here to say... I don't care. Jackie.

How about... Come on, girl, and give me a kiss. Just one kiss. I'm not asking for tongue. I know I seem scary But my mask is cool So give me a kiss And I won't drool Much better

Thank you It wasn't funny And it wasn't good And my slide The Phantom of the Opera themed slide They just Take off all Make everybody take off their clothes

And you have like a roasting committee that makes fun of them, and they don't know when everything's going to drop out from underneath them and they're just going to fall down into a slide. So they really feel what the Phantom feels. Oh, nice. All right. You, you got burned. You, you got burned.

That's the whole song. That's good. This is a hard segment. It's a tough one. And the ride itself, I think this ride actually, you've got to sign a waiver, of course. But they put you in one of those retardant suits. Thank you.

And they slap a bunch of jelly on you, light you on fire, you get to run around for 10 seconds on fire, get great video of it, and then they put you out with a bunch of water. That's actually a really good slide. This is the tough part, because some people's songs were far then they put you out with a bunch of water. That's actually a good slide. This is the tough part, because some people's songs were far better. It's an attraction, not a slide.

No, I have the best song, but you have the best ride. But you, you got burned. It goes with the ride. You, you got burned. I am an ugly man with a piano. That's a wild song. So, Marcus, you're giving yourself the victory and Ed the victory also.

I give Marcus, everyone agrees Marcus had the best song. We should have known. We didn't need to do the segment. He won it. He did. Alright, well that's the round table. Anything anyone wants to plug or anything like that? Jack and his dating sims. Usually every Friday night. 6 p.m. might be a different

night though. Check on Facebook. Spooky. Listen to the be a different night, though. Check on Facebook. Spooky, spooky. Listen to Brighter Side on Cave Comedy Radio and all the other great shows. Travis, what do you got? My first comedy album ever coming out, June 30th, Guy from Ohio. And although as a roommate,

I may have some problems with Ben, as a campaign manager, he is doing a fantastic job. Check out BK4BK.com. Yeah, you gotta promo your shit, man. I will not talk about it on this show. Oh, good boy. Thanks for listening, dog. See you soon.

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