The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 333: Oil Me Up: The Marcus Parks Story

Episode Date: June 23, 2017

The gang learns about super aggressive Alaskan black bears' snacking preferences, hears a bunch of llama drama, and discusses potential repercussions for stealing a toe.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

Dogs and boats and shit. Dogs and boats and shit. Kevin, you have to pray today. Dogs and boats and shit. I know you haven't done it. You don't pray. Kevin, you've been gone for so long, you have to break your code with God and pray to him. I got to pray.

Yeah, you have to. You've never done it before. You have to do it. On a Wednesday. On a Wednesday. That's why you didn't do it for years. It was on a Sunday. Well, I guess.

It's on a Wednesday now. It's on a Wednesday. Yeah, yeah. Sunday. He disappears for a day. There it is. Sunday was too close to the Lord's Day, but when you're approximately to the Lord's Day, because it's always kind of close to the Lord's Day, it's fine to pray.

So let's all bow our heads in prayer. Lord God, Lord, I love you. Everything that you've done in this entire universe has been perfect. Let's start with the turtles. They were good. Swam. Sea turtles had wings, technically, which led to birds. And that got us to where we are today.

You look up in the air, you see them birds fly. What you get? Enchanted. And that's all thanks to you, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I would say amen, but God, there's so many things I love about you and what you've done. Baseballs, I don't really play them, but I like how they look. Basketball, same thing. Game of Sex Box, PlayStation 4.

GameCube, Dreamcast, even the Sega Saturn. Just listing game stations. Just listing a bunch of stuff. Game of the Jaguar 2, though, that was real stinker. Yeah, yeah. Also, headphones. Can't forget about that. Anyway, God, I think you're doing great. Gave us the Jaguar 2, though. That was real stinker. Yeah, yeah. Also, headphones. Can't forget about that. Anyway, God, I think you're doing great.

Also, gave us the Virtual Boy, though. Virtual Boy. You guys were talking about Nintendo and Sony. Bit of a stinker, though. Those two systems, not good. But you see, the reason why he gave you that is because he wanted you to have something to compare the good stuff to. That's what God does, man.

Modern VR, much better. Exactly. Anywho, God, you're the best God there is, because you know why you know only god has ever been and you run this shit amen all right welcome to the round table of gentlemen everybody also want to point out kevin barnett said any hoot that's great okay who's here i'm jackie zbrowski i don't like any hoot and i also don't like the word stinker but you love owls i'm fine hoot and I also don't like the word stinker. But you love owls. I'm fine with owls. Why don't you like the name stinker?

Ow, that's a stinker. I just don't like the word stink or stinky. Like to describe a strange kid or something? Yeah, oh, what a stinker. Oh, Jackie, it sounds like you're being a bit of a stinker. I feel like a stinker. I feel like you just made a stinker in my fucking poo-poos.

Party pooper. Yeah, that's what I'm... I'm starting out party poopers. We were thinking God for birds, and now I'm fucking stinking on it. Oh, my God. Stinking on it. A great name for a diaper you only wear to party, party poopers. That's good.

That's fun. I was going to say a renegade group that shows up at parties and walks in the middle of them and just takes a fat fat wet shit on the floor That's what happens when you invite the party pooper They just go to any party any block party street anywhere. They can just get in They don't know anybody there, and they just take a fucking dirty wet hot summertime shit They sit in your bathroom bin for an hour, and they go dude is this still bad like that

I remember summers in your bathroom bin for an hour, and then they go, dude, is this still bad like that? What's that? I remember summers in the bathroom I shared with you back in the day, the one that someone shit in the tub in, and it was Ben Kissel. No, it wasn't me, but that's fine. It was definitely you, but we're not going to rehash this. In that bathroom during the summer, I sweated profusely. I'm talking my boxers were wet from the sweat coming from my face. I don't know.

Dripping down into the boxers that were around my ankles. I think that's unique to your skin condition. We have a curtain in the bathroom now. That's nice. That's a pretty big step forward. Privacy. And black mold, which is good. They just keep painting over it.

Yeah, and then the black mold finds a way. It constantly fights through the paint, and it will kill us. Yeah, I was worried. As a matter of fact, yeah, it's still like that. Yeah, okay. But that also has to do with how much you horrendously sweat. I don't quite sweat as much as you do.

I sweat a lot. I'm getting better. I was working out. I have stopped. But I was working out. And it has been getting better. It has been getting better. I'll tell you what, poor Lexi, she deals with it so much. Your fiance. I love, everyone knows I love to drink beer, specifically IPA.

Okay. If I crank open a six pack of that on an evening and I go to sleep, my beer sweats are so wretched and horrible. There is a perma stain on the mattress. It'll never go away. The sheets immediately. Like the Shroud of Turin? Yeah. And I mean, I'm saying this happens four to seven times a week.

That's all week. That's the entire week. God. And I just sweat. It doesn't matter if it's a frozen tundra in there. I will sweat that IPA juice out all into the bed and it reeks. And Lexi says, you know, my stinky boy and everything. Okay, that's nice.

So there you go. So what are all of her nicknames for you? Because I know that's like the third one you've mentioned. Stinky Boy, Papa Gooey, Cranky Joe. That's my Tuesday morning person. Because I have multiple personalities, as you all know. Spotify, because I keep the hits coming. We've

got... Everything you've just said makes me very upset. It also sort of makes me wonder about Lexi's sanity because she's calling you all these names but really she should just be saying sleep on the floor. Go away. Get away or get away from me. Or literally get a walk away from me.

So, yeah. No, but she's marrying you. Yes. But instead, engaged to be wed, and the wedding will happen far in the future. Will it? I don't think you really planned that out properly. Yes. We do not know when, because it is actually, we looked into it.

We got a couple books. Very difficult to plan a wedding. Very challenging. I'm going to bust open this bridal expo this weekend. You're going to a bridal expo? With Lexi, and I'm going to make her get the most expensive ever. They'll be like, you only get married once?

Oh, well, you only get married once. You're worth it. You only get married once. That's the one, yeah, and you're worth it. I'm going to be milking your teats holding from far away. It's one. Yeah, and you're worth it. You keep milking your teats, Holden, from far away. It's fine. Her forbidden family will pay for it. Yikes.

Not good. All right. Any shout-outs today? Hultnators, ho! Welcome to your PlayStation Network shout-outs. I'm glad you asked. Ben, an hour before the show, I was able to catch up on all of my PlayStation Network shout-outs. I have them all right here.

You still only get seven. Only seven. Okay. Well, seven's a lot, and these are long. Tybug32 says, shout out to Jackie for having the breasts of a goddess. Marcus is the brains. Suck a dick, Ben, you Sasquatch fuck. Tell my friend Travis to eat shit.

Eat shit, Travis. Luigi at large says, I have a cat named Feets that reminds me of Ben because he's tall and racist. I'm sorry. I don't understand that. Wizard and the Bruiser rocks balls. Shuffler Zero says shout out to page seven. I love Jackie's energy, Molly's optimism and Marcus is also there. There you go.

These shout outs aren't really about you very much. It's mostly about how just insulting other people. Yeah, it's weird. It's really underhanded. Although I really like the name Feets for a cat. Feets is a good name for a cat. Yeah, that is a good one. Usually they shit all over me, guys.

I don't know what's going on. Alex Moore says, shout out to Marcus. Hey, Marcus, did you hear about Ben? He fucked each other. Does that mean something? None of these are making any sense. You know what? The shout outs are over.

Kevin Barnett's here. Thanks for being here, Kevin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm here, man. Glad to come. That's right. You were working on a television show. for being here, Kevin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm here, man. Glad to come. That's right. You were working on a television show. Where can people find it?

Oh, it's on NBC. Oh. And 9 o'clock on Wednesday. Wow. Is that channel 573? I mean, right? I think it's like channel 4. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's very confusing. That's great. The Carmichael show, right? Yeah, yeah. That's it. What's that show about? Uh, niggas. Specifically.

I'm glad the word is back on the ground. Yeah, it is back on the cast, baby. Oh, no, I'm excited. Episode to air in the night. I mean, this will come out after this episode airs, but me and Josh and Drew Michael are in it, but we say the word nigga on NBC like six times. Cool.

Does Josh say it? Josh don't say it. I guess Drew says it in the episode. It'll air after this comes out. Josh is smart, though. That's a real trap. Yeah. And that's not good.

Josh is a smart guy. No, I know Jermaine tried to get me into that trap once on this show. Really? Yeah, he tried saying the, say it. Say it. Say it. Just stare at me. Oh, my God.

Say it. It's okay. Say it. You know Ice Cube is talking to you like you talk to Bill Maher. You don't have the right to say it. Say it. Say it. Just stare at me. Say it. It's okay. Say it. Next thing you know, Ice Cube is talking to you like you talked to Bill Maher. You don't have the right to say it, and you're like, but they said I could say it. And then everyone sounds like a jackass. I got close to being tricked and trapped recently for Jordan Temple's play Hidden Fences because one of the lead actresses wasn't there, and they had me read for her, and lots of laughs

were had. And at one point, I was able to stop and he read the line for me. Cool. So I didn't have to say it. I'll take this one. I was like, thank you so much. But I did get to refer to myself as a black woman, which was fun. That's always very fun.

Every once in a while I've done it. Right? It really just adds a whole other layer to your personality. Absolutely. Put on a big hat. Yeah. Well that was a little racist. Was it? No, that's a church thing. That's a church thing. Not all black women are at church all the time.

And not all white women are at the Kentucky Derby all the time. True. Only once a year. There you go. Mint juleps. That's it. Oh, I would love to go to the Kentucky Derby, by the way. Yeah, mint julep.

What the hell is a mint julep, by the way? It's like a minty drink. Is it like a mojito? Kind of. It's not as sugary. Oh, it's not as sugary. Yeah. I do feel like mint julep would be good racist slang for a rich white woman.

Oh, mint julep. It's as good as mint juleps? Yeah, it's good. Yeah, it's one teaspoon powdered sugar. Oh, wow. Two ounces of bourbon, two teaspoons of water, and four mint leaves. Seems like a lot of powdered sugar. I've never had it with powdered sugar in it before.

You didn't have a right one. Maybe I didn't have a right one. I had a wrong one. You had a wrong one. It's your traditional mint julep. All right. Mint is fine. I love mint, although I'm still very livid with the mojito.

When I first got here in New York City, I faked my way into being a bartender at around 12 to 15 different bars because I had my favorite bar, BBC's in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. They vouched for me. They lied. They said, well, you were a great patron. You drank us out of business, basically. You must be a good bartender. And that was the summer of mojito.

And I got fired from every bar because I shattered countless glasses. Muddling in a glass. Very because I shattered countless glasses. Muddling in a glass. Very sensitive. Muddling is difficult. Oh, it was horrible. And then they called me Lenny, and the whole thing fell apart. But nonetheless, I'm still here. I'm still standing. Hell yeah. But for this, I'm sitting. Let's see. So I'm happy. Congratulations. Welcome back,

Kevin. Oh, yeah. Yes, it's been far too long. Yeah. All right. So let's do a news story. Is that what we want to do? An Alaskan gold miner has died in the second fatal mauling by a black bear in the state in as many days. Two contract employees of the Pogo mine were attacked on Monday

while collecting geological samples. Why'd they call it the Pogo mine? Just call it the Pogo mine. You think about Pogo stick or Pogo the clown first? Stick. Clown. I go Stick. Julep. All right. I thought Clown too.

Fatal black bear attacks against humans are very rare. Around 90% of deaths by bears in Alaska are caused by brown bears or grizzlies. Interesting. Those assholes were doing something. They were begging for it. They had fish in their pants or some kind of shit because that's ridiculous. Those bears didn't want to do it. I don't know.

Bears like donuts more than fish. Yeah. That's a fact. Are you talking about Yogi the bear? No. All bears. They like donuts more than fish. That's why people leave donuts out and then they kill the bears when they go to eat the bears.

They don't leave fish out. They leave donuts out. Oh, yeah. It's actually illegal in some states to haunt bears with donuts. That's disgusting. Yeah. Are they frosted or unfrosted? Jelly?

Are we talking jelly? I'd imagine plain cake. With a glaze? I don't know. All donuts have a glaze, don't they? No. Old fashions don't. Who wants it?

I do. I love old fashions. Maybe bears do. All right. Kevin, thoughts on an old-fashioned donut? I mean, that's the one that's just plain? Yeah. I don't know, man.

It's got to be like a real good, like, the weather got to be perfect. I'm talking about breeze is blowing. It's a little gray in the clouds, but not really gray. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I know. That type of weather, I could go for an old-fashioned. I'll walk outside, I'll look out, I'm like, ooh. Give me one of these old-fashioned, man. I could use a donut with nothing on it right now.

It's so sad. My old-fashioned was you drink the old-fashioned. It's a very bourbon-filled version of it. And you pour it on a donut. And you let it soak up the donut. And then you eat the donut. And then you find a woman to scream at. No?

No. I mean, if that's your version of an old-fashioned, then yes. find a woman to scream at. No? No. I mean, if that's your version of an old-fashioned, then yes, that would be it. Dunkin' Donuts doesn't seem to fucking get it. You do this at the Dunkin' Donuts. Every time I go in there, I'm like, give me the bourbon one. They're like, bourbon baked, bourbon glazed? I'm like, no. Get a fucking bottle of bourbon, pour a bunch of whatever, bitters, whatever the horse shit

they put in. Who gives a shit? Just give me the bourbon. Soak that donut up, and then find find a woman and begin to scream at her. About nothing. About the movie Ghostbusters. Who gives a shit? Oh, my God.

We had some Ghostbusters weather here this week here in New York City. Very scary, ominous weather. Oh, I loved it. Yeah. It was just cloudy. It was rainy. It was spooky. It was scary. I love pre-storm weather in New York City was just cloudy. It was rainy. It was spooky. It was scary.

I love pre-storm weather in New York City. Me too. It's perfect. And being inside and staying in. I never leave anymore. It's the best. And every time I do, it's a nightmare. Do you notice the city?

It's horrible. The people are awful. Getting around is terrible. I can't wait to not leave. I love it. I rarely leave. There's like the one time I leave on Wednesdays. Have you spent

like full days in your apartment? Oh, easily. Really? In PJs. Yeah, I do the same thing. Because I work from home the majority of the time as well. Yeah, I'll spend days without ever. I'll actually sometimes spend an entire week without living in my neighborhood.

I'll go outside every once in a while. I'm certain that there's nothing outside for me but certain death. It's amazing. When it rains constantly like it's been doing this week, it's my favorite thing on the planet. I have an excuse. That's why I love the winter and hate the summer. Everyone's like, oh, get out.

Where all the feet are. By the way, I saw some big nasty feet. You know what it is? What are you talking about? I hate the summer. Everyone's, oh, get out where all the feet are. And by the way, I saw some big, nasty feet. You know what it is? What are you talking about? I hate feet. I hate the New York feet. I know. You've had this forever.

We talked about this, though, last week, and I feel like I can clarify a little bit more about my feet. It's New York feet. What's the difference? Because the city is gross. Yeah. There's a bunch of gross streets with rats. So if you're in Savannah, Georgia, that's good feet. If it's a lovely, clean place. L.A.

feet, fine, whatever do you think. L.A. is disgusting. Yeah. L.A.'s disqualified to certain parts of L.A. I mean, what do you think? New York City or L.A.? You guys are like walking around barefoot? Yeah. Fucking L.A. I'd much rather be barefooted. Yeah. Completely. Unless you're going somewhere where you would need to go

score or fucking, you know what I'm saying? Score? Score some pills. Score pills. Or some powders. Oh, score pills. I thought you meant like score and like fucking. Oh, no.

I knew he was talking about drugging. No, I always wear full rolled up socks when I'm having sex. That's besides the point. It's New York feet, and it's also, you know what I, ooh, I saw one today. It's when the toes go over the flip-flop. Well, it's too small of a flip-flop. You've got a wide, gross foot. So just ill-fitting shoes.

Well, that's also when the toes are going over. I feel like half the time it's those people that don't believe in their sandals. And they feel like they've got to hold the tops of their sandals. Like they're a goddamn orangutan or something. They just be out there barefoot. You fucking asshole. It's so nasty. I want to grow up. It's so fucking gross. Like they're a goddamn orangutan or something. They just be out there barefoot. You fucking asshole. It's so nasty. I want to throw up.

It's so fucking gross. Yeah, that's true. Where they just have a gross foot. If you have gross feet, pack them up. That's all I'm saying. I agree. I mean, honestly, you know, I had toe surgery. I faked toe surgery to get out of football practice when I was around 14.

And so I have horrible, mangled up toes. Awful. A disgusting situation. And I I have horrible, mangled up toes. Awful. A disgusting situation. And I have never exposed my toes. I've also never worn shorts. Or haven't worn shorts for 15, 20 years. I try to keep my feet hot. My feet are both dry and wet at the same time.

I understand. I understand. They look arid. Yeah. But they are moist and in touch. Yeah. I'm not trying to be powerful or bring some power back to my disgusting feet. I do understand that.

The worst is, and he keeps them packed up so I don't want to give him too much heat, but the worst, Henry's got claw feet. Well, Eddie has some pretty atrocious feet too, but he also only wears them. He's got sausage feet, but the thing is it's ingrained. I talked about this last week. Friend feet, it's a little different. I'm even used to your

feet being because we live together. Friend feet, I'm now, it's just, it's in my head. i'm just so used to it i'm so used to ed's big gross sausage feet yeah oh his toes big you can suck on them like a popsicle it is a bold move to wear sandals in new york city yeah it's not a whimsical city everyone when they first get here they think it's like sweet and gonna be super romantic like sidewalks of new york it's a Scorsese film. Yeah. And you never see sandals in Scorsese movies.

It's disgusting. It's disgusting. Trash everywhere. There's no alleys. There is. Yeah, it's a lot of trash. That took me a second to get used to until I saw a man in a full piece, three-piece suit with a little top hat on, and you knew he was rich. We walked by the same trash heap, and that was when I fell in love with New York City.

Yeah. Because the homeless and the rich and people like me who was borderline homeless, we walked by the same pile of... Everyone. Everyone is drunk. All hammered. All hammered. They all walked by the same pile of trash.

That's New York City in a nutshell. That's nice. Thank you, Jackie. What do you got, Marcus? That's nice. Thank you, Jackie. What do you got, Marcus? Well, since 1880, only six deaths in the state of Alaska have been linked to black bears. The victim of the latest attack, which unfolded about 340 miles north of Anchorage, has not yet been identified.

Another mine employee suffered non-life-threatening injuries in the incident. Employees of the underground mine shot and killed the black bear. Do you have to call it an underground mine? Are there any above-ground mines? I guess there's mines in mountains. I don't know. It's like if you dig into a mountain, is it underground?

I don't know. Yeah, it definitely is. As soon as you dig, you're underground. Ground isn't necessarily... Jackie's mind is blown. Jackie, you get a magnet to play with. Oh, thank you. What are these magnets?

We have a bunch of magnets. It was a gift. Yeah, someone mailed us a whole bunch of magnets, so I'm just playing with magnets. Making my arm feel real weird. Oh, yeah. I don't understand that. Why are they making your arm feel weird?

Maybe you have some sort of alien implant. Iron in the blood? Iron in the blood, man. Too much iron. Too much iron? Honestly, yeah. My arm feels a little... Wow. So if I have too much iron in my blood, then what is it?

I'm not eating a whole bunch of liver or nothing. Red meat? A lot of Indian food. Yeah, that'll do it. There's no liver in Indian food. The spices. The spiciness. No, there's no iron spice.

They season their food with a lot of iron. Yeah. They just put a lot. Yeah. Sometimes I ask for less iron. Less so iron now. And they're like, that's not how we talk. It would be fun if the Spice Girls had an iron spice though. Just strong.

Just a fucking monster that just punches through walls. Leave baby alone. I wanted a big strong one. That would have been fun. Like a big mean strong one. Scary. Scary spice fun. Like a big mean strong one. Scary. Scary spice. No, she wasn't.

No, but she was supposed to be strong. I want to be terror spice. I could be that spice. Give me that spice. Give me that spice. Oh, no, no, no. You made music. I would just do that all the time.

Is that you singing? Yeah, that was me singing in their accents. In their undecipherable accents. And that's Jackie, giving us that spice. Oh my god, I want to be a spice girl. If you want to be my lover, you got a finger while my friend, I'll watch it. I don't remember those lyrics.

A po-po-sonic. A po-po-sonic. That's how I'll be remember those lyrics. Poop posh on it. Poop posh on it. That's how I'll be a Spice Girl. So I'm ready, guys. Sign me up. Get posh on it. You're in. David Beckham.

These magnets are making my arm feel weird. I know. I gotta stop playing with them. They're making my cock really hard. Let me see. They're making my dick really hard. No, they really do make your arm feel weird. I don't know why that is with magnets.

Oh, they're magnets. Yeah, you're getting that too, right? I'm getting it. Is it your left arm? It's my right arm. That's what I was playing with. I was playing with it in my right arm. Are you having heart attacks? I don't think so. Not yet. Not for at least three or four weeks. I feel perfectly fine.

You just got the magnets. Yeah, you just got the magnets. I've been playing with it for a while now. It'll get to you. These are magnets that will break bones. That's why Marcus just freaked out. It's your magnet that will break bones. You scared? Yeah, he's your scary magnet. And that's why Marcus just freaked out.

You know, it's probably because magnets don't exist in Jamaica. They don't? No, they don't. Whenever, like, people, there was a time when we had magnets, but they were all replaced by goats. You can't milk a magnet. That's probably why your arms don't hurt. Do magnets exist in Haiti?

I don't know about Haiti, man. That's no man's land. I don't read about it and I don't go there. My father uses a lot of magnets and they go to a Haitian church in Fort Lauderdale. So I'm going to say they do. All right. Okay. What does he do with his magnets?

I don't know. He's trying to cure his arthritis, but he gets more and more sick every single day because it's fake medicine. Ugh. Yeah. Anyway. You got to believe in something, Kissel. They do. They believe in God already.

That's, you know, magnets. Alright. They make my hands smell weird. Everything is weird with these magnets. Well, that's because we've been passing them around like crazy at this point. One man's smell gets passed to another. That builds up on a different smell. Speaking of smells, I want to bring this up. There's an old woman in my lobby of my building

reeking up the whole place. She just sits there. God, it's awful. I know the one you're I wanted to bring this up. There's an old woman in my lobby of my building reeking up the whole place. She just sits there. God, it's awful. Oh, I know the one you're talking about. She reeks. The evil eye. And it's the summer, yeah. She was like, man, eh?

You're like, you're fucking man, eh? Right? She was the one screaming about men at you. She was yelling at me. Yeah. She reeked men. Why does she spell so bad? Maybe she was saying mayonnaise.

That would change the context of everything. She was upset about mayonnaise, and that's something I will get into a fucking fight about. Yeah. I know. Well, you're a big mayonnaise gal. Girl, I saying mayonnaise. That would change the context of everything. If she was upset about mayonnaise, then that's something I would get into a fucking fight about. Yeah, I know. Well, you're a big mayonnaise gal. Girl, I love mayonnaise. Miracle Whip? Never.

I like Miracle Whip. But why is she there? She just got nothing else to do. Once you're that old, you just sit around in a building. Whoa, Marcus. That's all you do now. Yeah, but I'm engaged in an activity. I'm inside the house. When you get old, you have to sit outside. That's all you do now. Yeah, but I'm engaged in activity. I'm inside the house.

When you get old, you have to sit outside. It's a weird thing. But she, I've never, you know what? Actually, come to think of it, I don't think I've ever experienced, I've experienced old person smell, but this is different. I don't think I've ever experienced an old person with horrible B.O. Oh, it's B.O. Oh, it's B.O.

Banging B.O. Because sometimes old people get a faint diarrhea scent to them. No, it is screeching B.O. Oh, it's B.O. Banging B.O. Because sometimes old people get a faint diarrhea scent to them. No, it is screeching B.O. It is B.O. that's just like, hey, how was your Thursday? You know? Like every time. Also, by the way, mayonnaise spice. Ooh.

Can you cut it over here, my lover? You gotta get all squirted. I feel really weird. Because she's so sexy? Yeah, like it was strangely sexy. All right, I'll be mayonnaise spice. When I touch the magnet, yeah. It's the magnets.

That's the problem. That's it. Am I high off magnets? I don't know. Can you get high off magnets? I don't know. I am feeling really weird, though. I'm feeling weird, too.

Still fun. All right. All right. Any other news stories? Yeah, I got another news story. A llama caused some drama in Vacaville on Monday. Every time. After the animal got loose from its pasture,

two deputies with the Solano County Sheriff's Office were forced to think outside the box to coax the llama out of the roadway. Dash cam video posted on the Solano County Sheriff's Office Facebook page using an orange rope to corral the llama back into the field. Four other llamas watched the interaction and rapt attention. Wow. Must see llama TV. Llamas are mean fuckers.

I think we all know that though, right? Absolutely. I don't think it's, it's not overstated enough in the Disney movies. Llamas are like fun and nice, but they're very mean. Didn't David Spade play a llama in The Emperor's New Groove? I think he did. And didn't he play a llama in Joe Dirt 2? I believe he did. I believe he did. And didn't he play a llama in Joe Dirt 2? I believe he did.

I believe he did. That's right. I love Joe Dirt. That's one of the best movies of all time. Kid Rock is in it. Yeah. I like Kid Rock.

We've talked about this before. I have respect for Kid Rock and I want to go on the Kid Rock cruise. I do want to go on the Kid Rock cruise. It's weird for some reason like middle school

I everything Kid Rock said I was like fuck man I relate to that shit so well. He was a white country dude from Detroit. I had nothing in common with him.

You go on, brother. That was my first concert. Ever when I was 16. Kid Rock and Power Man 5000. That's a great one. Hootie. I think we talked about that. Oh, you were Hootie? Yeah.

Not by my choice. I had a babysitter for the week and she had tickets, so I had to go. That sucks for the babysitter. Yeah, I know. It feels so bad for her. And I was lame. I know, right? Because I was just like, what's this song called?

During a slow one, too. I was like, that sounds like weed. Are those people over there smoking weed? Call the police on them. And then they didn't. Were you like 23 that smells like weed. Are those people over there smoking weed? Call the police on them. And then they didn't. Were you like 23 years old? Yeah, 23 years old. My parents were like, we have to go away for a week.

We have to go away. I was like, who's going to do my college work for me? Like, we have to go to the beach for a week. So I ended up going to Hootie. Not bad. Nightmare, yeah. I'm a big Hootie fan. What? They're fun. They like the Miami Dolphins. going to Hootie. Not bad. Nightmare, yeah. I'm a big Hootie fan. What? They're fun. They like the Miami Dolphins.

You can't hate that. And golfing. And golfing. And didn't they talk about paving over parking lots? It's a Joni Mitchell song. No, I know, but they also sang it. Or am I thinking of a different... I'm thinking of Darius Rucker. That is Hootie. Yeah. No, that wasn't

Darius Rucker's song. They did do a redux of the song but it was paved over paradise or right up a parking lot that's a joni mitchell song but what's more fun than a parking lot because you know you buy a walmart everyone loves have you ever had a bad time in a walmart ever like literally especially not hanging out in the parking lot i used to talk about this what mortal combat 2 game console uh full arcade cabinet at the walmart that's where we went. That's where we traded codes, baby. It was fucking awesome. Has anybody listening, please tweet at me, at Ben Kissel, had a bad time at a Walmart? I'm sure that they are out there.

You could argue that Walmart was the savior of adolescence. Absolutely. Anytime you had nothing going on, you had something going on because Walmart existed. Walmart, and they would always have that one big cage full of balloons or full of balls that you just would pop out of there. I mean, no one liked us that worked there, but who cares? Power wheels.

You had good-ass air conditioning. You could set your watch by that fucking air conditioning. Dev definitely had a fight with a girlfriend in Walmart over what? Leave her, let her go. The moment that happens, let her go. Oh, I let her go. She's gone. She's gone? So it's not your current girlfriend.

No, absolutely not. We've had nothing but wonderful times in Walmart. If you get into a fight in a Walmart, you gotta break up, no matter what. Because Walmart is a place of happiness and joy. You are on pure capitalist, it's euphoria. There are three places you never can get into a fight in

or leave them immediately. That's Walmart, theme parks, Fuddruckers. Fuddruckers? I was going to say Chuck E. Cheese, but that's a good, Fuddruckers is actually a good point. I would also throw Culver's in there. That's a butter burger. A butter burger makes a better burger.

Culver's in Wisconsin. Culver's is amazing. They just would brag about how unhealthy their food was. And in the 90s, that was good. Yeah. It was awesome. What about a Friday's? But you know what?

They're lying to you. That's only one day a week. And why are they open on Saturday? Why are they open on Thursday, Wednesday, Tuesday, Monday, Sunday? Clothes. You lying bastards. And then you just open on Friday. But what if you get into a fight with your girlfriend on a Friday in a Friday's?

Whoa. TGIF. You know, that's fine. Not a big deal. At least you can finally say, well, I fucking hate you, you bitch, but thank God it's Friday. Thank God it's Friday. Special on half-off apps. They always have half-off apps.

I've also learned this about Applebee's, and I did have a very constructive conversation with a waitress the last time I went to Applebee's. Constructive. For me. Because their entire thing is half-off apps, but it's 24-7, seven days a week, 12 months a year. That's just the price. Yeah, that's not half-off apps.

It's not half-off apps. So I did say, can I get half-off of the half-off apps? You know, I just had one drink, I was sort of, I left then. I thought they used to only do it after 10 p.m. No, now they just do half off apps constantly, which that's just the price. Yeah. And so they're just lying to you. But that's fine.

It's still half. I mean, am I wrong? Buyer beware. It can't be half off of nothing. It's just, it's never. Honestly, what I want them to do is, I want Applebee's to do double price apps from 4 to 5 p.m.

Okay. And then you can go to half off apps. Everyone's going to get upset though. But at least it makes sense. Yeah. Because if you, you just set a price.

If I'm sitting at a restaurant and a waitress comes up to me and says, hey, you're here for the 4 to 5 hour, that means it's double price apps. But don't worry. I'm going to five hour. That means it's double priced apps.

I'm going to be furious. I'm going to go into the bathroom and I'm going to break the bathroom. You just throw a chair into her chest. Technically, that's just regular priced apps. I'll become an animal. It doesn't matter. She can explain that to me until the cows come home. I will fuck that restaurant up.

I'll be so furious. Now they got endless apps no you how do you get endless apps endless apps are back for good they say that's right endless apps are now truly endless so we made the endless apps web page endless too now you can scroll through or eat your choice of endless apps for an unlimited time dig in and enjoy for how much how much money we talking here for meatballs which are new, which are new. Loaded potato skins, pan-seared pot stickers, mozzarella sticks, barbecue chicken, flatbread, or boneless wings, your choice of flavor, endless apps for only $12. Oh.

You know what, man? That's a hell of a deal. Yeah. I don't know. You shouldn't. And don't eat the breaded stuff as much. All right. That's the strategy.

All right. You'll fill up on all that bready bread. What you want to do, you want to go for the meatballs. You want to go for the smaller things. That's what I learned at the Olive Garden. Unlimited breadsticks and soup. But you know what? The breadsticks just fill you up so dang quick.

I just learned, leave the breadsticks out of it. I'll slam gallons of soup. Yeah, but those breadsticks. That's from Les. You said it exactly right. And then sometimes I'll get the feta cheese. I'll get the Alfredo sauce and I'll dip the breadsticks in the Alfredo sauce. Oh, you dirty girl.

Dude, man. Now that. Now that. Is. I mean, it's class is what it is. That's taking something that's not classy. Are you still scrolling through appetizers? No, it's the webpage.

They were right. The webpage is endless. It never stops. The endless app. I've been scrolling this entire time and it's not stopping. I can do this to the day I die. Oh, God. Someone get the magnets back in his hand. Please, God. Oh, now that my side is starting to feel

weird. I know. Jesus. That's quite strange. It's been traveling up my arm for a little while now. Yeah, it might be dangerous what we're doing here. Man, now I watch you scroll through those apps so much, I want the apps. Which apps are we talking? What's your go-to? Don't do the pot stickers. I can

tell you that from personal experience. They're horrible. I'm upset because there's no jalapeno poppers on that list. The popper is actually very difficult to make if you think about how you have to sort of rush and gnaw all the food. Oh, it's difficult. Well, the popper is actually very difficult to make if you think about how you have to sort of rush into all the food. Well, the popper is more of an Applebee's thing, right? Oh, Applebee's. Where were you?

You were at TGIF? Yeah, they didn't have any poppers at Friday's, last time we went. No, they did not. In the airport. Airport. Yeah, no, I think that is an Applebee's thing. Love a good popper. God, I love a popper.

Yeah. You can put poppers on the grill. We'll be making poppers on the grill. Guys, poppers on the grill. We'll be making poppers on the grill. Guys, poppers on the grill. Maybe this summer. Okay. I'd like a popper right now. All right.

I wouldn't go for the meatballs, though, because that sounds shady. How's about this for a popper? This is a kind of popper. Hit me. You take a jalapeno. You cut it in half. You fill it with cream cheese. Yes.

You wrap it in bacon. Yes. And you throw it in the oven. That's what I put on the grill. How's that for a popper? How's that for a popper? I think a popper has to be deep fried. You think a popper?

I don't know. Don't you think? I never got really into the technicalities of poppers, so I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Well, we're getting into it now, Kevin. It's the most in-depth I've ever discussed. That's not a popper, though, what you're describing there. It seems like it could be a popper.

It's a semi-type of popper. That's a stuffed, you know, kind of a pepper. Seems like a subset of poppers. I don't know. Or it could be the poppers are a subset of stuffed peppers. Well, that's possible. You're blowing my mind all over this fucking cast today, Marcus. I know.

If you dig into a mountain, is it underground? God damn it. I don't know. God fucking damn it. All I know is I really, I shun underground? God damn it. I don't know. God fucking damn it. All I know is I really, I shunned it. It's above the ground. I don't think it is. It's above the ground.

It's above the ground. It's not the ground. Yeah. But it's inside of it. But I guess technically if I was eating like some jalapeno poppers on a mountain and someone knocked it off of my hand and it fell on the mountain, I'd be like, well, now it's on the fucking ground. That's what I wouldn't call it, the ground that you're looking at. No, you say, my popper's on a mountain, I'd be like, well, now it's on the fucking ground. That's what I wouldn't call it, the ground.

No, you say, my popper's on a mountain now. Popper's on a mountain. It doesn't matter what the elevation is of the ground. The ground's still the ground. I've never been so confused in my life. Now my head hurts. I was just thinking about goats when I was holding these magnets, and now my

head hurts because it is popper's on the ground. Tough to say. Tough stuff. All right, what else, Marcus? What do we got? A man broke into a home in West Virginia that apparently decided to stay. Jeffrey Holbrook came home to what he thought was just a break-in,

started to record the damage. When he realized he wasn't alone, there was a stranger asleep in his bed. Got broke in and went to sleep Oh, you die, folks Took a nap Oh, that'll happen What's the name of that story?

The porridge story? Goldilocks? Yes, Goldilocks They hollowed out the girl And poured porridge down her vagina Yeah I don't know how you pour it down, I guess Well, they have her upside down

Oh, I see Yeah, she's upside down And they, yeah They put some cotton Cotton tail From the cottontail bunny in her mouth. Okay. Soak it up. Keep it up. Yeah.

Strange, strange folktales these days. The lesson there is never go into an unknown zone. That's a good point, actually. What are other unknown zones? Unknown zone, back alley of an off-track betting. Oh, that's true. Unknown zone is going to be bushes in Central Park. The brambles.

Stay out of the brambles. That's a very unknown zone. Out of the brambles. Get out of the brambles, out of your wallet, into your watch. If you want to jump. Unknown zone is going to be the clouds. We don't know. Absolutely we don't know. There might be a fucking flying goblin in them bitches. I've seen Twilight Zone. True. Yeah. We don't know. Absolutely we don't know.

There might be a fucking flying goblin in them bitches. I've seen Twilight Zone. True. Totally true. There you go. Yeah. Too many unknown zones. Yeah.

A lot of unknown zones out there. And a bear's house, of course. Of course. Naturally. So now what happened with this guy? He's just fallen asleep. He just fell asleep and they arrested him and now he's in jail. We didn't even take anything.

What did he do? His name was Stacy Foster him and now he's in jail. We didn't even take anything. His name was Stacy Foster. Well, that's his problem. Lives 15 miles away from where he was caught. But he just got drunk and fell asleep. Yeah. Well, he broke into someone's house. He broke the window or something?

It didn't say. He just broke in. He probably thought it was his house. He might have thought it was his house. Then you just sleep outside and then you don't get arrested, right? I don't know. Maybe the weather wasn't very nice. I think if you're on the property, then you can still get arrested for trespassing. Just not breaking and entering. Yeah, I had somebody

asleep on my front porch in Tallahassee like on a swing and I woke him up and he thought he was at his house. And I said, bitch, you're not. And that's it. That's a good story. This is a really good public freak out of the week. There's a really good video that people took of a girl that was passed out on their couch. And they have to kick her out.

And she refuses to leave. And it's really long and really good. So I highly recommend it. What happened? They're just like, leave. This isn't your house. She's like, let me just stay here. Leave're calling the cops oh man i just there was a really good taser one earlier too that was released on public freakouts uh top of the week a great taser video the guy warns him

warns him he's more belligerent he keeps picking stuff up and shielding with it now the cop has to keep like grabbing it and throwing it down. Or it might have been a security guard. Either way, when he gets tased, he just, like a pencil, straightens up, hits the ground, man. Can't ask for anything better than that. You got a screaming, angry, awful person, and then they just immediately go from 100 to 0. It is just the best. That's pretty fun. It is very fun. You guys remember that story we talked about a few years ago about the toe and the glass? Like you go to this certain hotel. That's pretty fun. It is very fun. You guys remember that story we talked about a few years ago about the toe in the glass?

Like you go to this certain hotel. That's right. And they pour the shot in the toe and you got to kiss like the decomposed toe. Someone stole the toe. What? Oh, you can't do that. How the hell do you steal the toe? Put it in your pocket and wrap.

No, but doesn't the toe can actually go through the bottle? Terry Lee, the hotel's toe captain, he says we are furious. No kidding. The guy asked to do the tow after the 9 to 11 p.m. tow time hours. One of the new staff served it to him to be nice. And this is how he pays her back. Wow. Took the tow.

Thief in the night. He had a French accent. We can't trust him. Interesting. Can't trust. French accent. Maybe it was Macron. That was good. Thank you. Yeah, that was nice. That was good.

Are the French known to be thieves? Yeah, of course they are. French Canadians. Pink Panther. Yeah. Yeah, I think the French have a history of thievery. They're slippery people. Cat burglars.

Exactly, yeah. I would assume if you had to say a nationality of a cat burglar, you would say French or maybe Italian. Moroccan. No. They are thieves. Not all of them. Maybe cat burglars. But you've got to respect a cat burglar because they don't hurt anybody and they're smart with it. Also, I wonder what it takes to be a tow captain.

I think you're just the drunk at the bar who stares at the tow. Does he get a penance for his deeds? I don't know. Not anymore. He's the worst toe captain ever. A bad toe captain does he make? Well, I say they just do a GoFundMe, raise up money for a new toe. Yeah, get the new toe.

Well, the guy said toes are very hard to come by. It's true. Well, if you're the toe captain, you lose the toe off of negligence. He broke the rule. The time had already passed, and he gave it to this guy. The guy took it. You got to lose the toe. Yeah, you you the toe captain, you lose the toe off of negligence. He broke the rule. The time had already passed, and he gave it to this guy. The guy took it. You got to lose the toe. Yeah, you lose the toe.

Well, they say they fortunately have a couple of backup toes, but we really need this one back. A couple of backup toes. Damn. That is disgusting. That is crazy. Now I remember. We covered this story in 2013. A man who participated in the challenge swallowed the toe on purpose.

Oh. Yeah. $500 he had to pay the toe on purpose. Oh. Yeah. $500 he had to pay for the toe fine. Oh, wow. And the hotel at that time had two toes in rotation. I just talked about how much I hate feet and just the idea of swallowing a toe. Sucking it down. Yeah.

Even just getting a foot rub. Recently, Lexi gave me a foot rub, And she put all the oils all over me And I just hate the feeling of Like the oils on your feet I had to go take a shower It was disgusting Just slopping slipping She is way too good to you

I've never had it She gave you a foot massage And you had the audacity to complain about it This is pretty I complained about this. Ew! Lexi, I have to go to the shower! Ew! No, no, no. It was more like why?

Lexi, why? I become very like a... I'm like, hey Lexi, why? Leximo. I become very Italian when I'm screaming at her. Did she put her fingers through your toes like she was holding hands with your toes? That was the grossest part is that she got it all in

between the toes so it's all slip and slop and when I'm just kind of rubbing my, because I'm constantly rubbing my toes together like this. If the audience at home can hear it's like I'm showing them with my fingers. Yeah. And when I do that, there's just a bunch of gross foot massage

oil in there. That's kind of gross foot massage oil in there. That's kind of wild, I guess. Love it. I love oils. Yeah. I love being slippery. Yeah? You like getting oils on you? I love being oiled up.

Really? Oil me up, man. Okay. Oil him up. Right now? Marcus Park story. Oil him up. Oil me up if you could.

If you can, if you got any extra oils on you. Everything's slipping off you. And hair. Well, that's the thing is that I'm mostly hairless. That's right. That works better for you. You should try professional swimming. I should.

Yeah. You might be an Olympic person. I have a swimmer's body. Hairless and lanky. Too short, though. You're too short. Too short. Swimmers are long. Of course. He's got long arms, though. Yeah, he's got those swimmer's body, hairless and lanky. Too short, though. You're too short. Too short. Really?

Swimmers are long. Of course. He's got long arms, though. Yeah, he's got the swimmer's arms. I've got like flipper hands. Well, who knows? Let's throw him in a pool. Let's see how he does.

When's the last time you swam for speed, man? For speed? Pure high-octane speed. Never. Wow. Get him in a pool. Get him in a pool. We don't know. We don't know how good I am at this. Never. Wow. Get him in a pool. We don't know.

We don't know how good I am at this. Yeah. Well, I set the record when I was six years old and I think it was 50 meters, but it was not in a competition. But anyway, it was timed. That's great. Thank you, Jackie. You're welcome. Put me in a pool.

Oil him up and throw him in the pool. I don't think you can be oiled up and be put in a pool. I think that's a... No, that's a... That's a PTSD... Well, not a PTSD. It's a faux pas. It's a...

Yeah, it's a performance enhancing situation. To be oiled. I would think the oil would make you go slower. How? Oil and water. There's a chance that the oil hits the water. It comes off you. It gives you a little boost.

Like a jet propulsion. Or you're above the water. No, of course it would make you faster. Oil and water. Maybe that's how Jesus walked on that water. Oiled up his feet. He was married to someone like Alexei. Yeah, got a foot massage. Got a ball up in them toes.

That's possible. Here we go. Does covering your body in oil make you swim faster? And the answer is confusing. Well, no, they're just a wall of text. Well, it has its advantages and disadvantages because fish are covered in oil. Damn, they are.

So that makes fish swim faster. True. That's fish oil. So why wouldn't it help humans swim faster too? Oil covering your hands and feet could be a disadvantage as you could potentially grab less water and have a less effective pull. In any event, it is pretty silly to even think about is what they say. Oh, come on.

That's going to mean spirited. Because the oil washes off you very quickly and pollutes the environment in which you're swimming. Oil them up, throw them in the pool. Then they went environmental with it. But you can still oil me up and throw me in the pool. That might just be the best type of training you need to become the best swimmer of all time. Yeah.

People wonder why you swim so fast. You've been oiled up. Oil them up. Oh, yeah. Oil me up. You've been slagging and now you're fast. I've heard that. Boys and girls, oil me up.

It's a new project for the Boys and Girls Club. They gotta come in, they gotta oil you up, they gotta drag you to a pool, they gotta throw you in a pool. It's kind of fun. Alright, well, what should we do? A segment? Let's do a segment with Moe McNair! Oh, shit! Alright, we're all gonna go around and say the N-word. Kevin?

No! Kevin wins! Wow. Let's – new – like a mint julep. Let's come up with new racist slang words. And I will start. First, a crookie is a pregnant Australian woman. I don't know how that's racist, but okay.

You just call them all crookies. All right. This is a pregnant Australian woman. I don't know how that's racist, but okay. You just call them all crookies. All right, this is a problematic segment, but I think if we handle it well, it'll be okay. I don't want to live in this apartment building. It's full of crookies. Full of crookies. Pregnant Australian women? Full of crookies.

Yeah, full of crookies, and they're constantly asking me to try their milk or something. I don't know what they do. Crookies. Damn, there's so many milk or something. You know? I don't know what they do. Cookies. Damn. All right. Oh, there's so many good ones already. I know.

It's hard to beat the established ones. I know. I mean, moon cricket is a lot of fun. Yes. I like to say that as much as I can. Oh, God. Let's see. Marmalades.

Oh. I will use that to describe Come up with a word first I got nothing going on in my head Marmalades is used to describe Bolivian people Bolivians Bolivians

Alright Take that All the marmalades Take that Bolivia There's a good reason for it. That will be known at a later date. All right, Marmalades.

Marmalade, a restaurant just opened, a Bolivian restaurant just opened up down the street. And those Marmalades are really great, great service. Marmalade sounds too nice, actually. Yeah, it sounds like it's a whole positive thing going on here. Yeah. I'll call Bolivians Bud Lights. That's good. Very watery people.

Yeah, they're less of a friend than you'd want them to be. They can't fully be an ally. It's always a better option, but, you know, you've got to go with it. Maybe a turtlenecker, which is just your Connecticut wasp. Okay. Call him a turtlenecker. I like that. Yeah.

This is tough for you, Jackie. It is a problematic segment, Jackie. I am going to go an easy route and say that the men, the Japanese men that grope women on the train, they're going to start calling them Japantes. No, sir, don't. Japanties. Oh, Japanties. Because it's like Japan and panties at the same time.

Japanties. Yeah. Kick them off the train. They got their own cars. We need a separate train car for the Japanties. For the Japanties, yeah. I thought that that was stellar for me. By Zabrowski standards, that was stellar for me. And the separate train car thing also is not racist, by the way.

That is a real thing. That is actually a thing. So I just want to clear my name as well in case I plan to sort of run for something or something. I'm running, yeah, for vice president of the United States. There it is. That's not something you run for. Yeah, they gave it to me already. There it is.

Vice Kissel of the Brooklyn. There it is. All right,sel of the Brooklyn. There it is. All right, Marcus, you have to decide. Krookies, pretty good. I like Krookies, yeah. Thank you, Krookies. All right, we apologize to all of our Australian listeners. Even if you are pregnant, you're a wonderful person.

You filthy Krookie. All right, everyone, thanks for listening. Anything to plug anyone wants to talk about Oh please Jack and his dating sims We're very I mean Okay first of all

I've never seen A hornier chat Than last Saturday night When we did this Or a hornier Two of us And we couldn't even

Look at each other It's very uncomfortable We're right next to each other And it's just Okay we got incredibly close To the legless girl And it's a crippled Girl dating sim We got incredibly close we were she was on top of us i'm sealing the deal this week yeah i think it's gonna happen this week i think we'll be having sex with her

so you should definitely watch that friday night at 6 p.m hold nader's hoe on twitch it's always a barn burner all right there it is thanks everyone listening, everyone. We'll talk to you soon. Bye. Bye-bye. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.