The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 337: That'll Happen

Episode Date: August 4, 2017

The gang reminisces about worst experiences with public toilets, learns about the best postnuptial trust exercise ever, and talks donkey antics.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

Oh, we're good to go? Holy hell, let's do this. Gentlemen, always civility. I got lost. Oh, we're good to go? Let's rock. Holy hell, let's do this. Guided meditation from Mahola McNeely? Really? Yes, really. I said, you praying, and you just started talking about video games again.

I thought it was praying. I thought that was the prayer. Everybody close your eyes. It's time for a guided meditation. Unless you're driving. Oh, shit. It's the Green Hill Zone, and you're fucking Sonic the Hedgehog? I had no drinking during guided meditations.

No beer drinking. He did do it with his eyes closed, though, technically. We didn't clarify that. You're Sonic the Hedgehog. And, oh, what's that over there? Is that Henry Zabrowski? No, it's Dr. Robotnik. But he looks just like Henry Zabrowski.

He's the Eggman. He's flying around in a Machine he's fucking horny For it Tails is by you Tails is like I just fucking rolled a blunt And we're gonna smoke This shit at the green fucking hill zone I don't know if Tails is old enough for that

And you gotta hear Do do do do do do Do do do do do Do do do do do Do do do do Do do do do Do do do do It's not really a meditation as far as music choice. You're in the club, surrounded by pussy. I can't believe it. Are they attached to bodies?

Yes. He has tails with you, man. He's a magnet. I thought Tails was a boy. I think he's a girl. I believe Tails is a boy. Oh, he's a boy. He's a young boy. A 12-year-old boy. And he rolls blunts. That's why I call him Tails. He's got a front tail

and a back tail. A double tail. And he has quite the story to tell. That's also why he's called Tails. He tells so many tales. Alright. Is that true? No. I don't think he talks. That's also why he's called Tails. He tells so many tales. All right. Is that true? No. I don't think it talks. It's not true.

What happens next? After the nightclub? Yeah. You get a fucking star. You're on SNL with Michael Che. Wow. Isn't that amazing? Yeah, and that's it.

Well, what a great guided meditation, Holden. That was incredible. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, everybody. And we're not lying when we say the Roundtable of Gentlemen. We're back full form here tonight. Full force. This is the first time in, what do you think, like two years? No.

I honestly, Marcus, how long do you think it's been since the whole gang has been back? A few months. Okay. Whatever. I like dogs, And I age everything In dog years It's been 18 years Jackie Zabrow

You're here And you were putting Makeup on hold Yesterday But we're not Going to talk about it Friday night Saturday night

Oh that was Saturday It hit social media Yesterday Oh yeah I put it on YouTube yesterday I needed a couple Days of recovery

Days Days of recovery Days, days of recovery You did throw out all the applicators Right? No, no, we got lips to share Oh yeah, I put my lipstick on You shared lipstick with Holden? I wish I shared lipstick before We've done a sketch, I've put lipstick on you

That I've used after Is it different? If it's for a sketch, it's different I didn't have any open pustules. You always have. You are an open pustule. What kind of statement is that? You know what you are.

Now I got diseases. So watch out for me. I got diseases. I just feel like it gave me an edge. It gave me a forbidden look that I feel like will get me far in this world. So I think I will start applying more makeup more often. Yeah, probably wouldn't hurt. Absolutely.

Because if I go into the room and all those execs are looking at me and they want to give me this TV show, Holden's Life, what I've been working for this past 20 years, a show about my life, my day-to-day. I've got a wife, four kids. Fucking parents just moved in. Bunch of rouges. You don't have any kids, though. Wait, are you Ray Romano? A bit. You know what?

He stole my shit. He stole my whole shit i was like i'm gonna do a show where i'm a where i'm a stand-up comedian who has to live with the family and his parents just moved in and then and then another day with raymond happens and then another day with raymond right now holden every opportunity you've missed out on in life has been simply because i've stood in the way. Are you secretly going into rooms and telling them about me and warning them about me? Listen, whether you want me or not, don't take Holden McNeil.

It doesn't matter. I would rather not have the job if Holden could possibly get a job with me working here. Now, I just feel like this show has gone on for far too long without me getting to do my fucking shout-outs. Everyone loves Raymond? But you're not. We have to introduce Eddie first. We have to do Eddie first. We have to check in with Eddie. I was here? Yes, we said that you were here.

You said you were a human pustule because you put lipstick and shared it with Holden. Holden's the pustule. I know, but now she is as well. It's spread to her. That's how diseases spread. Just my lips are. Just my lips are a huge open wound. That's how Planet of the pustule. I know, but now she is as well. It's spread to her. That's how diseases spread. Just my lips are. Just my lips are a huge open wound. Okay. That's how Planet of the Apes start.

I know what that's like. Legitimately. Oh, yeah. Well, I'm Ed Larson. Hey, Eddie, how are you? I don't have any open wounds on my mouth, but in it, who knows? Who knows? How was the fish concert?

You went to see fish yesterday. Again, for the third time. I went yesterday. It was fucking unbelievable. What did they play? Did they play Maze? They did Possum. They did Possum. Possum's a good one. It was fucking cool, man. Do you enjoy myself?

I don't think so. I don't know all the songs. That's what makes it exciting for me, too. I don't think they know all the songs. They know a lot of songs. 13 shows, not one repeated song. Donuts everywhere. There were donuts there?

To Baker's Dozen, there's donuts everywhere. It's been a hell of an experience for me. Correct me, maybe I'm wrong Kevin, but I would love to see Kevin at a fish show. I'm guessing you've never been. We should go tonight. There's still tickets. Really? You gotta take Kevin tonight. I'm not opposed to fish. I don't, off the top of my head, know what they sound like.

But I support their ability to exist. It's like a goofy, well-played jam about. It's just a jam about. It's a jam about. It's too much jam about. But the light show is fucking unbelievable. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

They got these Easter egg stuff. It's great. Oh. I like a good jam about. You love this jam about. But the light show is fucking unbelievable. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. They got these Easter egg stuff. It's great. Oh. I like a good jam about. You love this jam about. Donuts and Easter eggs. Eddie, you got great seats to go see Fish First Road. I did.

I got. What? But now this is a little controversial. Eddie got himself handicap seats. Oh. Yes. Wheelchair seats. Not one handicapped person in the section, by the way.

Not one? Not one. So you didn't get in trouble? No way. We were smoking bloods, having a good time. We lit that handicap session up. All right. People next to me were sticks in the mud.

But the guy to the right was. They wouldn't stand up. Everyone at the Fish concert stands the entire show. Yeah, of course. But, you know, handicap. Maybe it was out of respect for the handicaps. They were handicapped. They were not handicapped.

There's nothing wrong with these guys. I'll tell you what. When I lit up my Vegas joint that I smuggled back into this town, they hopped their happy asses right up and stood next to me. And they passed it to the next section. You heard it here first. Handicapped people are sticks in the mud. Ed Larson, 2017.

Wheels in the mud, I call him. And Ben, what do you think about handicapped people? I think they're wonderful people, full of all the things they can do, all the things we can do. I don't know about that. It seems like we have more of a mud problem. That's the issue.

Wait, wait, what I'm saying, one of these guys, they took the joint that I handed him and he handed it to the next section over. It's a fish concert, Eddie. I made him get it back.

You did? I'm like, go get that fucking joint. You're screaming at people. I was yelling at him. The next section over, it sounds like he was trying to get rid of your joint.

It sounded like he was just acting like he was Santa Claus with my fucking... I got it back. All right, All right. Good job, Eddie. Multinators.

Oh! PlayStation Network shout outs, everybody. I don't remember there being a Lumpy Rocky, but yeah. It's his whole thing. He gets destroyed. Lumpy Rocky? Yeah, he being a Lumpy Rocky, but yeah. It's his whole thing. He gets destroyed. Lumpy Rocky? Yeah, he is. He does fight.

He's just covered it. That's a good point. You can honestly say he had a lot in common with Holt. He's lumpy. He's sweating all the time. He's a moist man. Can't talk right. Did you bring a towel?

Yeah, I love his sweat. Wait, what is going on? You brought a towel. Yeah, I brought my damn towel. Are we off track betting? What's going on here? I brought a towel. I'm a professional now. I brought his sweat. Wait, what is going on? You brought a towel. Yeah, I brought my damn towel. Are we an off-track betting? What's going on here? I brought a towel. I'm a professional now.

I brought a towel. He brought his own sweat towel. Isn't it already so disgusting? Look, professional bowler, Holden McNeely. I started losing weight, but then I started gaining it back, so I'm just getting in line. Big people, they have these towels. They use them. They dry off with them.

I see it all the time. I see it all the time. I see it all the time. Dabbing at the neck. This is the best part. You can't see it, huh? But you gotta dab at the neck. If anybody wants a taste of this, I'm keeping the corner dry.

Keeping the corner dry, if anybody wants to use it. You've become a mid-90s comic view comedian. Sue Bowie do 1906 says, Yo, Holden, great seeing you and Jake During my visit to the BK

Marcus is an inspiration Kevin Barnett and Michael Che Come visit Detroit Don't be scurred Hong Kong Henry Zebrowski And Jackie The I'm not gonna say this words

I believe that is a slur For Asian people Are awesome Ed Larson is hilarious Which one is it? Alright we're not gonna do Slurs here Eddie You've already demonized

Wait why does he want Two black people to go to Detroit Why can't we all go to Detroit? Yeah why can't we go to Detroit? Why do you get Michael Che? Why're not going to do slurs here, Eddie. You've already demonized two black people to go to Detroit. Why can't we all go to Detroit? Yeah, why can't we go? Why do you get Michael Che? Why do you have to do this? He won't fit in as well.

He asked me too, right? No, he just said Michael Che and Kevin Barnett. Oh, I thought he said Marcus, you're an inspiration. Michael Che and Kevin Barnett come to Detroit. You're an odd dick

out of all the people that have ever been there. Why are your shout outs all about other people? I think it's just you just asked the only two black guys that have ever been there. Yeah, that's a little fucked up. Well, Jermaine. Yeah, but? Why are your shout-outs all about other people? I think it's just, you just asked the only two black guys that have ever been on that show.

Yeah, that's a little fucked up. Well, Jermaine. Yeah, but Jermaine can't even drive a Detroit. Especially with that baby. Oh, no way. The roving packs of Chihuahua would destroy him. Oh, man. Stress.

The cops in the 70s. They fuck you up. Oh, sure. Shin Pat Smack says, Holden, I stole my fiance's PS network for this. You were the lizard of my nightmares. Tell Marcus I want to collect bones with him in a graveyard at night. Sure.

Also, Shin Pat Smacks sounds more like an Asian slur than the other shit. Tell Jackie she's my soul sister. Tell Ben I'm five foot and I ain't scared of him. BK for BK. Tell Ed Planet of the Apes is my fave. I love all the CCR shows. Thanks for making my work days tolerable. I'll see you, Last Podcast and Left Guys, on Friday.

And that was a while ago, probably, but maybe it's this Friday. I'll tell you what, as far as shout-outs go, that was a nice one. That was a nice one. They're mostly nice, but they're not about you, Holden. Yes. No, never. It's a good conversation. I am just the messenger. You know mostly nice, but they're not about you, Holden. Yes. No, never. It's a good conversation. I am just the messenger.

You know what? And don't shoot me. You know what I'm saying? Another TV show I had an idea for back in the day. Don't shoot me? Yes. I had that idea for that fucking TV show. I don't think there was a-

That was called Just Shoot Me. Yeah, Just Shoot Me. Yeah, mine was called Don't Shoot Me. And it was about a guy who's camera shy. I had the idea for Living Single. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great.

I once came down. I was like, Mom, we should have a fucking TV show. First of all, give me my snacks. Give me my fucking candy snacks. Second of all, I got an idea for a show just a bunch of women. They design shit. Oh, I like that show. Designing women fucking next day.

Boom. That's a great show. Amar 303, Holden Nader's Ho. This is in all caps, by the way. Thanks for always putting out great content. Just got my ticket for last podcast in Omaha. Did that happen yet? No, that's in November.

Oh, fantastic. You're going to Omaha? Yeah. Beautiful Omaha. Dude, I can't wait, man. Have you heard the songs? Omaha's going to be fucking great. I love towns like Omaha.

What do you got to say about people from Omaha, Eddie? Who's next on the list, Eddie? Crutches in the muck, I bet. It's not high on my list of places to be. Wow. That is unbelievable. We got list of places to be. Wow. That is unbelievable. Wow. They've got steaks, Eddie.

Good people. The steaks are, you know, frozen. Yeah, they're small. No, they're small. Almost. Box steaks? Yeah. No.

Got to see them in Denver, and it was amazing. Jackie, Ben, and Ed, I love you. Holden, you give me hope. Because if a lizard like you can find love, then so can I. Marcus and Holden, are you ever going to go to the gathering of the Juggalos? BK4BK, we really got to plan our trip. Wow. Eventually we will.

Oh, Marcus, you would do great at the Juggalo gathering. I would. Mm-hmm. They look into my eyes. They see familiarity. Mm-hmm. Yes, that's true. Broken, shattered life.

Family. Family. Family. Woof, woof. Vincent Spike says, you fuck, you better remember shout outs. Oh, been for president of my butthole Mark is vice president

of my balls Jackie I'll treat you right Kevin I miss you Ed you're my favorite Holden is a fuck face shit head and I love it who's president

of his balls I think he's the president of his balls no no no he's the president of the butthole I'm vice president of the balls

I have to run for this he just wants me to be president of his butthole who knows if there's of the balls. I have to run for this. He just wants me to be president of his butthole. Who knows if there's heavy competition? You guys are technically old enough to be president of balls or butthole or anything. I'll be secretary of his tits. Oh, right. T Spears 003 says, man, you are killing me with the suspense of waiting on my damn shout out.

Tell Marcus and Ben the show in Dallas was great. Wishing the bruiser is okay, too, I guess. Thank you, T Spears. You fucking piece of shit. You read them. You don't have-Spear. You fucking piece of shit. You read them. You don't have to read those. You fucking bastard. T-Spear, I'll find you and I'll fucking get you.

Okay? Didn't we limit him to five of these? Nah. Am I done? Are we going? How many you had so far? Oh, one, two, three, four, five. Five?

How many you got left? One, two, three. You got three left. Just go finish it up. Finish it up. In Sex and Paper says, Ben is the bad boy. Travis is the bubble boy.

Ed looks like if the popcorn kernels inside a Beanie Baby suddenly popped. Smooches for Marcus and Jackie. They remind me of fish inside an aquarium. Also, Holden is a broken machine that I wish I could be uploaded to. Bird at 420 Luger says, ho, ho, ho, shoutouts. When's Holden going to talk for 30 minutes again? I have this dream of spending my whole day listening to nothing but

Holden talks for 30 minutes episodes. Yes. Did you by any chance create an account and text yourself? And call myself Bird 420 Luger. Breeloo 148, last one. Finally back to second shift. Now I can get baked after work and listen to the round table.

Can't wait to see Margus Henry and Ben in Omaha. Too bad Jackie can't go with. I'd love to meet the Queen of Peen. Yeah. Ooh. Wow. I like that.

Ooh, I want to meet you too. Yeah. I take back everything I ever said about Omaha. Oh, yeah. It's a beautiful place. I'm going to move to Omaha now. I'm going to go out there. I'm going to go meet the Queen of about Omaha. Oh, yeah. It's a beautiful place. I'm going to move to Omaha now. I'm going to go out there.

I'm going to go be the queen of peen. Sorry, guys. I'm out. That's where Jabba Chamberlain's at. Oh, God, he's taking his shirt off. He's having underdose. You are sweating through multiple shirts. I'm sweating so profusely.

It's really not even that hot in here. Maybe you should use the dry clean. No, it's fine. I'm not even breaking a little bit of a sweat. You are anomalies, you and Kissel. And anomalies. They're like new to the city in France. All right, Kevin Barnett, you're also here.

Yeah, I'm back, man. This is hot. It's hot as fuck. I'm not lying. It's miserable, man. Yeah, you were writing a show in Los Angeles for a while. It got canceled. Yeah, I'm about to get back on the plane, though. It's miserable, man. Yeah, you were writing a show in Los Angeles for a while. It got canceled. Yeah, I'm about to get back on the plane though.

It's hot as shit out here. I flew back last night. It was a miserable day. I was moving by myself. Movers were slow as fuck, hourly, trying to scam me for my money. Like you don't know. Like I don't know. When you were talking to the movers, were you going over the stand-up bits they were going to do later that night?

Because most stand-up comedians are simply movers during the day. This is what I do with movers, were you going over the stand-up bits they were going to do later that night? Because most stand-up comedians are simply movers during the day. This is what I do with movers, right? You can take this advice, too, if you ever have to deal with it. If you have slow movers, just throw a snake in the room. Throw a fucking snake in the room. You know what I'm saying? That'll get them going. That'll motivate their asses to get

the boxes out the fucking room. Kind of a good idea. I did that the whole day. Scrambled, fucking, I had to move fucking Josh's bed and all his furniture. He left that shit.

I get it out by the dumpster by myself, this whole giant mattress. And then some fucking old ass lady politely asked me if I could move the fucking bed to the other dumpster a hundred yards away

after seeing me sweat and drenched in sweat. Why did you want it over the other dumpster? Because she is a white woman. We get what we want. When we want it. I've read some more unthink pieces on those people. That's clever.

Thank you, Marcus Parks. You're welcome. Thoughtless pieces. I got on the fucking plane after that, right? Tired of shit. I'm going to sleep on this flight. First class? No, no, no. I'm in coach. The show is canceled. Oh. So I'm on the fucking plane after that, right? Good. Tired as shit. I'm asleep on this flight. First class or economy? No, no, no.

I'm in coach. The show was canceled. Oh. So I'm on this flight thinking I'm asleep. Somebody shat themselves on the plane and it stunk the whole flight. Somebody shit themselves. Oh, it happened. In my roast.

Marcus, what do you think? Out of all the flights you've been on, maybe like 10%. There's one good stinker on every flight. Oh, there's always a good stinker. And there's the stinkers that keep on giving. It's just stinky throughout the flight. And it recedes and then it comes again. Well, I've done some things in the lavatory.

You've been a stinker on a flight before. We've had some seats next to the bathroom that Ben Kitzel has gone in and out of a number of times. Once or twice. How do you even shit in those? Do you stand over it? No, you sit in the flights for everything. If you're on a plane or a Greyhound, you sit to pee, you sit to poop. That's how it works.

I was on a big, it was like kind of a nicer than a Greyhound bus on the way back from Boston to New York. Peter Pan? It was something like that. It had some shitty, it was like luxury bus or some shit like that um and i had a bad belly right and i went to the back of the bus and i took a fucking the meanest shit i think i ever done took in this bus on a bus and i was like so scared about it i was felt so bad and i was sitting in the front of the bus and so i could hear by the time i got to the front of the bus the smell was starting to like move forward like the mist

and you could hear people like oh my god you know and everyone knows it's me because I had to walk past everybody

because I was sitting at the front and then the lady who one of the workers there had to walk up and down the aisle going shh spray in this

fucking smell good spray yeah because they had like an assistant that wasn't driving the bus who was like because it was like a nicer bus

that's a nice bus yeah so she had to walk but it's so shameful I literally sat as far down Yeah, because they had like an assistant that wasn't driving the bus who was like, because it was like a nicer bus. That's a nice bus. Yeah, so she had to walk, but it's so shameful. I literally sat as far down on the seat as I could. Oh, you got to be cocky with it. You got to be proud about it. I should have been like, yeah, that was a good one. Yeah.

You're all in stickers of my life. It's like you're all inside of me now. All right, Marcus, let's do a news story. A nude man walking along an interstate in New Jersey was using a sex toy on himself when his public pleasure session was interrupted by police yesterday. That's right, he was walking down the road. Officers responding to a report of a naked man walking along the tree

line on Route 287 discovered Stephen Korowiak, 39, in the altogether near mile marker 64 in Mahwah. I wonder, can you get off while you're walking? I don't know if I could get off while I was walking. I don't think so. It depends on how far I'm walking.

Or how fast you're walking. Well, when Kerkowiak, who lives in upstate New York, was approached by two patrolmen, he stood up and pulled, quote, an object out of his rectum. He then tossed the sex toy over his shoulder, and Krakowiak, who was pleasuring himself in view of passing autos, was in possession of a digital camera. Krakowiak told police that he, quote, liked to get naked, and his intention was to film himself.

This is a picture of Krakowiak. All right, let's take a look. Oh, okay, different than I thought he would look like. I'm not sure what I thought he would look like. He kind of looks like Kid Rock's slightly less alcoholic uncle. I'm very surprised he has a shirt on. Yeah. They make him put the shirt on when they pick him up.

That's probably just what they had in the back of the police station. Oh, just the green shirt? Just green shirt. Yeah, so he was pleasuring himself, I guess, rectally there, huh? Yeah, with a big double-headed dildo if he threw it over his shoulder. Oh, like Jake the Snake Roberts. I guess that's why. I was like, why do I have the mental image of just a snake-like dildo?

But that's because he said they literally wrote it. Yeah, over his shoulder. Well, I don't know if he threw it. He might have tossed it over his shoulder. I thought he, like, slapped it on his shoulder. No, no, no. I think he pulled out. It was a butt plug.

He pulled out the plug, tossed it over his shoulder, and said, you got me. That's not as bad. But he didn't deflate then. No, he did not deflate. I guess all the air didn't go out. I bet he gave it a little sniff before he threw it. I don't know what this guy did. Why would you take it out?

I would just leave it in. If he wasn't nude, everything is legal here. While the sex toy remains in police custody, the device was, quote, recovered and entered as evidence. Oh, I get it. Someone is going to be sneaking into that police precinct's evidence unit, and whoever is going to do that has a gift for himself later that night. Creepy stuff.

Yeah. Well, I guess you got to report it if you see a naked guy on the side of the road. He was jerking off, I think. Oh, I see. I think he was jerking off and had a butt plug in. Oh, kind of all types there. And he was filming himself also? Yeah.

That's pretty impressive. It's just so bizarre to pull the butt plug because that's literally what people do to hide shit from cops is they stick stuff up their ass. Sure. So he had it hidden the exact best way to hide something. You know what I'm saying? So why pull the plug? I would like to see this kind of cut with like a GoPro commercial with like skateboarders

and windsurfers. This one guy with a butt plug. Back to skateboarders and windsurfers. It'd just be fun to see a guy jerking off an escape or a surfboard, I think. Oh, wow. That would be almost impossible. That'd be tough to do. I don't think you should report him at that point because it's very skillful to do that.

International waters. Yeah, you can be nude in the water. Absolutely. Skinny dipping is very common, isn't it? I've heard it too. In Europe, that's all they do. In Europe, that's all that they do. Jackie, have you ever skinny dipped before?

Of course I haven't from Florida. Yeah. That's what you do. Do you feel like a bad girl? No. If you get drunk enough, anything's fine. Yeah, I did that the first time I was in Florida at like 2 a.m., and that's high tide. If I was shorter, I would have died.

I never skinny dipped in the ocean, but swimming pools. I skinny dipped in pools. I don't think I've done those. I wouldn't want to do it in the ocean. There's too many things going around. It's just going to go whoop. Yeah, you need at least one obstacle between the middle of you and fish. Getting raped by a fish, yeah. The ocean freaks me out, man. I do not like the ocean one bit. You need at least one obstacle between, you know, you, the middle of you and fish.

Getting raped by a fish, yeah. The ocean freaks me out, man. I do not like the ocean one bit. Over the ocean. We got our space. Yeah, we're surrounded by whales, man. Oh, it's not right. Every day, they're out there.

What's, Marcus, what's happening? You have a grimace, Marcus. Yeah, I'm getting a real bad itch in my crotch area. What's going on? Go line the curtain and take care of it. No, it's fine. I can take care of it right here. Yeah, we saw you do it. Did you get it? Nah, it's fine. I can take care of it right here. I know. We saw you do it.

Did you get it? No, it's still kind of there. Oh, I hate this. It feels like I've got a mite. Yeah. Do you have one? It feels like it's traveling a little bit. Yeah, it feels a little bit.

Yeah. Yeah. It feels like there's a mite. Wait, it's like in The Mummy with a scarab. A scarab. They're going to have a scarab. That would be terrifying. I was wondering what that tiny, tiny scream was. Yeah, not bad. All right. It's a scarab. I was wondering what that tiny, tiny scream was.

Yeah, not bad. All right. So the fellow was arrested and that's it. That's it. That's going to happen. That's it. Case closed. That'll happen.

One more thing. I would like to see the Columbo episode of this. One more thing. Say it after every news story. Say it again one more time. That'll happen. You can use that catchphrase anywhere on the streets at any moment when anything ever happens. It's perfect.

It's the best way to do it. That's the title of your first album. That'll happen. That'll happen. That'll happen. That's a good might be a redneck Fucking catchphrase You know what I'm saying Yeah

You might be a redneck If that's your Here's your sign That'll happen If you're walking Down the street And you get punched In your fucking balls

By an old lady Hey That'll happen That is funny Honestly that's funny That is funny God damn it I'm about to become

A millionaire That's funny That's funny I can see fun, that's fun. I can see a crowd fucking losing their minds. Oh my God, throwing popcorn on the stage. That'll happen. You ever look at a dog and it jumps up and slaps you in the face? That'll happen.

That'll happen. Oh my God. Already going nuts for it. Everywhere, man. Put it on your tombstone. Oh my god Already going nuts for it It's incredible Put it on your tombstone That'll happen Wow That's great

You ever piss your pants while you're puking on a bitch? That'll happen Say anything. Jackie, do one. Do one. I was just thinking one and I'm going to get in trouble. Yeah, Marcus just immediately marking the time.

Kevin, while you're thinking a way to not get yourself in trouble, Kevin, you do one. This one's more situational. I'm imagining the sitcom that Ed eventually has off in his catchphrase. You know, I'm a television writer. So Ed, he walks in on his wife fucking some dude.

He's just getting real. And he just kind of turns to the camera, shrugs his shoulders, and goes, That'll happen. Oh my goodness. Damn it. And that show's never been thought of before, so you could actually do that TV show, unlike all the TV shows I think of. I think it might air tomorrow, as a matter of fact,

right after Designing Women. That will happen. Look at that. And that's a really good, you know, for the pitch room, too. Yeah, yeah. It's at the end of the meeting. You got your fucking closing fucking line. Oh, it's perfect.

Or you just, like, run into the door when you're leaving. And it's like, oh! That'll happen. Mr. Larson, there is no way you're going to get a show here on TBS. We're funny,

very funny. Not happening for you. That'll happen. No, it's not happening. Oh, I see. All right,

Marcus, you want another story? I love stories. Thank you. This is for you. Okay. You got to watch out. You got some things in the future.

During a post-nuptial dispute. Oh. How's the wedding planning going? Slow. It's slow. We just got to get down to Florida and Georgia and look at locations. But anyways, back to you, Marcus. During a...

Wow. Thank you, Holden. That was wedding planning corner, you fuck. During a post-nuptial dispute, a Tennessee newlywed removed a 9mm pistol from beneath her wedding dress and pulled the trigger while pointing the weapon at her new husband. Oh, I kind of love this woman. That's how you say I do. It's like, do you really trust me enough to get married to me?

Do I have any bullets in this gun? Yeah. Yes. Officers were summoned early Friday morning to a Murfreesboro motel where Kate Elizabeth Pritchard, 25, and her spouse, James Jared Burton, 30, were squabbling only hours after exchanging vows. When cops arrived at the Clarion Inn around 1 a.m., Pritchard, who was

in her wedding dress, and Burton denied that anything was amiss, but interviews with the witnesses contradicted the couple's tale of marital bliss. As described in a Murfreesboro Police Department report, Pritchard and her spouse were engaged in an alcohol-fueled argument outside the motel. During the quarrel, cops

alleged Pritchard pulled out a handgun from her wedding dress and pointed the weapon at Burton's head. Pritchard pulled the trigger, but the gun did not discharge since it was unloaded. That is love. It's marriage trust. Marriage trust exercise. You know what, Marcus? But then Pritchard then allegedly placed

a round into the gun and fired a shot in the air. Hell yeah. I see. Into the air. Very nice. To celebrate. Yeah. You know, I said. What? That will happen.

Wow, Eddie. That works. If anybody. Take it. Look. Take it from me. I've been engaged for quite some time now. I plan to be married.

If you're ever in a spat with your nuptialed one, all right, three words, okay? Just start crying. Okay, listen. Especially if you're a man in a stray relationship because they... I don't know.

Women don't expect an outpouring of emotions from a man, okay? Just start crying. It baffles them. They're like, what? It's kind of a turnoff, though, isn't it,

to watch their future husband weep in front of them. Well, that's why you pull out your big fun toner To remasculate balance yeah, so you're falling while jerking off while she's mad at you. Well, it's happened. Yeah. Yeah Every time I cry, my boner gets so big. Another fight solved by the horrible wisdom of Holden McNeely. There you go. That's it. She's just reminding you of all your pets that died.

Yeah. Oh, man. This guy, his name is, his AKA is J-Rod. Cool guy. A baseball player? Nope. No, no. I don't know why his name is J-Rod, because his name is James Burton. He's got a penis in the shape of a J.

Cool. Yeah. J-Rod. Well, in advance of her marriage, Pritchard last month got a pubic tattoo declaring property of J-Rod. Jeez. Interesting. Okay.

That's going to be interesting. In a June 27th Facebook post, Pritchard assured a friend that the tattoo did not hurt, adding, Happiest I've been, finally get to be real. In a photo caption accompanying a shot of Pritchard's new ink, Burton noted, Yes, it's official. I love her crazy ass. Well, look at that. Burton was arrested in 2015 for allegedly shooting a member of a rival motorcycle club in the foot

during an argument inside a Clarksville clubhouse. Oh, that's a fun place to shoot somebody in the foot. He was trying to make them dance like the old west. Remember that biker shootout last year? Yeah, was it last year or the year before that? That was crazy, though. It was wild stuff. Yeah, was that Texas or New Mexico?

Texas with 44 people or something? Oh, my goodness. I love these biker shootouts. Of course, this isouts. They're serious. This is great. They're serious people. They all got guns. She's, you know, she's shooting this guy.

I mean, it's going to happen eventually. Everyone's going to talk about this forever. You remember the time Pritchard shot J-Rod? It's a memorable wedding. Absolutely. And a Claritin. Is it a Claritin? No, that's a drug. Clarion.

Clarion. Clarion. Clarion. Those are pretty nice hotels. Oh, yeah. You got yourself a couple of ice machines and a vending machine in those. Yeah, we've stayed in the Clarion? No, that's a drone. Clarion. Clarion. Clarion. Clarion. Those are pretty nice hotels. You got yourself a couple of ice machines and a vending machine in those. Yeah, we've stayed in a Clarion or two. I think you guys could do a whole review book on hotels at this point. That'll happen.

It works. It works. It's amazing. I can get out of any conversation. Yeah. Thank you, Eddie. This is the exit line. It's the best exit line.

This is really good for you for the politics thing. That'll happen. I didn't even get to ask a question. It's a truly political answer. It's the most politician-ass question. You're going to shut down the L train in 2019, huh? What are you going to do? That'll happen.

Perfect. I'm going to stop that, by the way. The L-pocalypse won't be coming under my watch. What about the G-pocalypse? The G-pocalypse won't be coming under my watch. What about the G-pocalypse? The G-pocalypse is going to get bigger and bigger. We're going to get that G-train big, baby. I thought they were shutting it down next year. G-train? Nah.

No, the G-train is still around. They're going to be all right. Nah, they're shutting down the L-train. G-train's staying right where it is. Oh, okay. But at this point, Eddie, the MTA is so flawed, let's do MTA Corner. Sure, please. I would love to talk about it. How flawed is it? That'll happen.

It is flawed. We're going to take care of it. Good job. Thank you. I got it. Don't even worry about it. The Elpocalypse Tour. I believe you because of the confidence with which you said that.

Yep. It's all coming together now. You just got to get in there. Get in there. Yep. That's it. That'll happen. That's another good catchphrase.

Get in there. Get in there. You just got to get in there. You just got to get in there. Oh, man. I don't know. That'll happen? Or you just got to get in there?

Stop sucking those dog stitties. Get on in there. You have to really just muddle it up. I don't know, Jackie. I'm not sure where this came from. You got to wear your canoe and it's getting on. Oh, no, I'm over. You got to get in there.

I thought your catchphrase, you were trying to say that your catchphrase was, you got to suck on those dog titties. You got to get in there. Quit sucking on the dog titties. And get on in there. Make sure you fuck it. You've given the dog too much foreplay?

Is that what you were talking about? No, no. The person that's sucking on the dog's titties is giving the dog too much attention and I need more attention. Oh.

So you gotta get on in there. You're talking about your vagina. Yeah. Yeah, my squirty bird. Yeah, get on in there. Yeah, get on in there. What else would I be talking about?

My mind space? Your mouth. Yeah, whatever. A hole. Get on in there. What else would I be talking about? My mind space? Your butt hole, your mouth. Yeah, whatever hole. I thought you put the dogs. I don't want to. We can't get into all this dog talk. Yeah, we can absolutely get into the dog talk. Jackie, tell me about the dog's titties. Man, they are

swollen and they are full and they need to be drained. Well, there's a lot of little puppies that need that dog. Now, aren't you glad we talked about the dogs? and they need to be drained. Well, there's a lot of little puppies that need that dog. He's a good dog. Now, aren't you glad we talked about the dogs? I like dogs. You ought to get in there. Yes, very good.

Any other stories? I got more stories. All right. An Arkansas man has been arrested after he was accused of having sex with a family's pet donkey. No way. Multiple occasions. You can't have a pet of having sex with a family's pet donkey. No way. You can't have a pet donkey. You can absolutely have a pet donkey. Donkeys are great pets.

You have a donkey. You don't have a pet donkey. You can add donkeys. It can be great. Donkeys won't carry meat. Did you know that? I did not know that. Yeah.

Why not? Because they hate it. Really? Yeah, they hate having meat on them. So they carry tobacco and coffee and things like that? But no dead animals. What is it? What else do they carry? Chihuahuas.

Blankets. Blankets. Bags. Gold. Men. Many men. A stack of sombreros. Dice for dice games. Oh, yeah. All the pay for the workers and the mine. The donkey carries that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. Very cool. Marijuana. Oh, absolutely. Donkeys definitely carry some marijuana. Where did you get this donkeys don't carry meat thing?

I don't know. It's something I picked up. Where'd you pick it up from, Andy? Yeah, where'd you pick that one up from? I think I learned that one at school. I think that one goes way back. Which school? St. Joan of Arc Catholic Church.

You got really schooled, Tom. It just sounds like one of those lies to get kids from getting in trouble. Yeah, you don't put meat on a donkey. Don't kiss your sister. Don't kiss your sister because she's haunted. Two years earlier, that kid did cover that donkey in meat.

Bacon-wrapped donkey. Collapsed under the weight of the meat. Yes, I remember that story. Wild stuff. I think donkeys carry meat. Why wouldn't they carry meat? What if the donkey doesn't know what it's carrying? Is it a mule maybe that doesn't carry meat?

I think all animals carry meat. Why would a mule not carry meat? A camel? One of these animals hates carrying meat. I don't think that they care about carrying meat. I don't think any of them give a shit. Get up in here and let's get some meat. Let's see what y'all like.

I just don't know. I mean, with my Google skills, I just don't know if won't carry meat is the right thing. I mean, I feel like I don't understand. If you put a cold, like wet piece of meat directly on donkey back, that's not going to be too sweet. Is it going to flip out? Is it just going to lay down until you take the meat off it? How does it know it's meat? I think it bucks.

It bucks a lot. It bucks the meat off. No, there's absolutely nothing in here about animals that won't carry meat. There's nothing against it either. Well, I think Sir Bucks-a-lot is a great name for a donkey. It's not a disparate either. It's I think Sir Buxalot is a great name for a donkey. Nothing disproving it either, you know? It's like fucking donkeys eat food. Ain't nobody in there going to tell you not otherwise.

I hear they don't carry sushi. They refuse. They don't carry any sushi. They refuse to carry sushi. You put a bunch of meat on a donkey and it flips out. I don't know. It'll happen. That'll happen.

That will happen. Well, possible. God damn. All right, so this family, there was a donkey. On three separate incidents over the summer months, police were called to the 1800 block of East Shelley Whitlock Drive in reference to sex crimes against an animal. When they arrived the first time, officers made contact with Emmert and Joyce Whitaker. animal. When they arrived the first time, officers made contact with Emmert and Joyce

Whitaker. They told officers they had problems with police people harassing their pet donkeys over the last three years. Leave the donkeys alone! Emmert said he posted several no trespassing and do not feed the animal signs around the property and also placed a game camera in a field south of

their house where the female donkeys are kept. Well, he should have used another F word. Don't, you know, the donkeys. Don't F. Yeah. Sir. Feeding is the best thing you could do for the donkeys. Emmert said his game camera took pictures of a man on his property on the early mornings

of May 27th and June 4th. The pictures show the man placing a bag over one donkey's head, then getting behind the donkey and placing his pelvis against the rear of the animal. I mean, was the donkey ugly? Could be an ugly donkey. Is that what this was? Could be an ugly donkey. It could be an ugly donkey.

It's a donkey. It had big glasses on and stuff. It's like she's all that or something. It's clumsy. Oh, take the glasses off. And then it has long blonde hair. Let the donkey's hair down. Let's see what happens.

Teach her how to walk. Teach her how to talk. You know what I'm saying? Let me ask you. Would it be illegal if the donkey fucked hair down. Let's see what happens. Teach her how to walk. Teach her how to talk. You know what I'm saying? Don't ask it. Would it be illegal if the donkey fucked him? Yes. Yeah. Really?

Even if the donkey entered him? You cannot have penetration involving an animal. What if the guy's against it? Well, then we've got to arrest that donkey. Then we have ourselves a donkey arrest. What if he just showed a donkey? You know what? That is actually...

That is an interesting question. I don't know. That is a very interesting legal question. I think you keep it to yourself. But what if it happened like in a park? Yeah, people saw you. Yeah, what if people, what if it happened in public? They saw you running and then a donkey held you together.

Maybe throw some meat at the donkey and then it'll run away. And then some asshole calls the police and sends you to jail. And then the cop is like, hey, donkey butt. That'll happen. Okay, what if you just showed the donkey some pornography? Just showed it to him. You can show a donkey pornography. Right?

Human pornography or donkey pornography? Who knows? Because, you know, they show panda pornography all the time. They do? Oh, yeah. To get pandas all hot and hor know, they show panda pornography all the time. They do? Oh, yeah. To get pandas all hot and horny, they show panda pornography. A guy who shows up in a panda suit and, like, fucking play with his little pussy and stuff. That's what Sean Spicer is doing now?

That is so sad. Or maybe he's finally happy. Am I right about that? The guy in the panda suit? Now questioning everything I said. The guy in the panda suit playing with his pussy? Oh, no. The guy who, like, shows up in the panda suit.

The guy dresses up as a panda and gets going Oh no the guy Like shows up In the panda suit Like dresses up And gets going I don't think He dresses up To a school I think you went Somewhere else I think you auditioned

For a role That doesn't exist I feel like I've heard that So you're saying That there's a guy That dresses up As a panda And goes and plays

With the female panda's pussy To get her going I thought that was A monkey thing Not a panda thing Don't they have like A dude that dresses up like a monkey? No, the monkey's got no problem fucking.

It's the pandas that don't fuck. How do you know? Maybe there's monkeys that have problems and they're too scared. They're scared they're not going to be able to keep it up. They've got to have someone that shows them. It's like, it's okay if you can't keep it up. You can still get it in there. I don't know.

Get it in there. I don't know. Get it in there. The whole problem is we need more pandas, man. Pandas is out there not fucking, and that's one of the great tragedies of this world. So sometimes niggas got to dress up in a panda suit and play with them.

Were they sad? Were the pandas sad? This guy, that's the story, is that a guy dressed up as a panda to go play with the baby pandas. Oh. But no one wanted him to. I definitely heard of someone doing something with pandas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a guy, yeah. Zoo in China did it. But he wasn't, they didn't want him to do that. He just did that. Well, no, no, no. They did it as a way to, it was a conservation type thing. It was so the baby pandas didn't have mama panda,

so they went in and played with the pandas so the pandas could get some panda interaction instead of human interaction, so when they went out to the wild, they'd be used to pandas. Oh, my God. That's the greatest job I've ever heard in my life. It is a really great job.

Better than the job that Eddie suggested. What if me and my friend dressed up as pandas? Play with our fucking little guys? I would cuddle some baby pandas as a big panda. What if me and my friend dressed up as pandas went in front of a donkey and 69'd each other? Do you think we'd get arrested for that? I would hope so, actually. Only if it's in public.

If you went into a private barn and did that, you wouldn't get arrested at all. Oh, that's not true. A lot of donkeys are deputized. That is true. You deputize a panda. I mean, a donkey. Yeah, you can't deputize a panda. No, no, no, no.

Unless you're in a state where sodomy is still illegal, and then you could get arrested, but for a completely unrelated reason. Gotcha. Are there any states where sodomy is still illegal? I think secret, yeah, like... How doesn't any presidential candidate run on a platform of, like, pro-sodomy? What is happening?

I thought that that was all, that seems like a pretty primitive rule, doesn't it? I mean, how do you even, you know, Well, it dates back to Thomas Jefferson. Oh. Like he wasn't.

Yeah, exactly. In 1779, Thomas Jefferson wrote a law in Virginia which contained a punishment of castration for men who engage in sodomy. Except for for himself. Except for for himself. Wow, that's hilarious. So is that, like, sodomy is exactly just entering, right? Entering, yeah. But mouth or butt.

Not vagina. Now, if the vagina is good, it's the mouth or butt. Yeah, that's just sex. That's just fucking. That's just fucking, yeah. Okay. Well, that's necessary for human procreation. I don't know why Thomas Jefferson took the time to pull out his quill and write that stupid ass law.

Actually, he was taken to the step down because before that, the law for the punishment for sodomy was death. There's so many other things to worry about. Starvation, war, building a bridge. Wouldn't you rather? I'd rather be killed than be castrated, right? I could do without. I don't think. I think castration was just a straight-up chop off.

Yeah, I mean, but I still would want to, you know, try. Just live a different life. Well, I would definitely want to live more than, yeah, you could live without it. Be a mountain man. Yeah, just get a bunch of dogs. Yeah. Yeah. And still have my perineum so I could still, like, squeeze.

I'd learn to fight, too. I'd probably learn fighting technique. I'd still have my prostate so, you know, I could get pegged and get some pleasure that way. Like Deadpool. There you go. Yeah, you'd be like, you'd be able to resist Keelick from Soul Calibur

is fucking what he did that knock your two thighs out and then hit you and you don't have a dick. You don't have balls. I'm done, man. I'm good. You convinced me, Marcus.

Let's get rid of these dicks. Yeah, I'm kind of surprised. I'm like the Marshall Applewhite of the 21st century. This is great. That was so easy. Yeah, I'm wearing my Nikes. I'm ready to go up to the comet with you.

No, we're not going to the comet. We're just going to the mountains. I lose this dick, I'm headed straight to the trees, man. I've just passed a law that you're going to love. I'll bend over in front of you, and we'll find a way to lose that dog. Well, back to the donkey tail. Okay. Police were called out a second time. Joyce told police their game camera had captured more photos of the man on the early mornings of July 5th and July 6th.

The photos show the man feeding the donkeys from bags that appeared to be bread bags. Then again, the man could be seen getting behind the donkey and placing his pelvis against the animal's rear with his hand on his groin area. Wouldn't you want to see the donkey's eyes at least? I don't want to. You can't put the donkey on its back. No, I know, but they're going to look around at you, look up at you. Won't that keep you hard? A dangling mirror tied to its head?

Yeah, that's kind of fun. But then you've got to look at yourself. A little bit. Depends. Maybe. Yeah. Yep. That'll happen.

Well, all right. So what's the guy facing here? A couple of years incarcerated? Four counts of bestiality, a class A misdemeanor, four counts of criminal trespassing, a class B misdemeanor, and five counts of the offense of cruelty to animals. So that's going to add up.

Where does it fall on the old prison respect scale? He's going to be the jail zookeeper. Well, he's not going to go to federal prison. No, you don't think so? No, none of these are federal crimes. These are all misdemeanors. So he's just going to county. He's in jail for donkey crimes.

He's in donkey crimes. Oh, I hope it's a donkey jail. That's going to be fun. Donkey jail? Donkey jail. Let's Google that. Donkey jail. I don't know. Donkey jail, that's going to be fun. Donkey jail? Donkey jail. Let's Google that. Donkey jail. I don't know.

Donkey jail. I just found pictures of donkeys in jails. Oh, that's sad. What's a donkey in the backseat of a police car? Get the donkey out of there. Now we've got to see what's the story about the donkey in the police car. But you're right, Kevin. The donkey does look very disappointed with his life decisions.

Oh, he's taking a ride in a Ford Crown Victoria, but not to jail. Where's it going? Oh, his name is Squishy. I don't know. He escaped, and they're taking him back to his owner. He escaped under an electric fence. Oh, my. They put him in the back of a car?

Oh, he is a retired basketball donkey. Oh. Wait, what does that mean? You don't know about donkey basketball? I actually don't know about donkey basketball. Why would I know donkey basketball? None of you guys know about donkey basketball? What?

I'm surprised no one knows about donkey basketball. I thought donkey basketball was a nationwide sensation. You sure? That's when the woman puts the ping pong balls up her pussy and shoots them out at people, right? No, no. Donkeys are much bigger and they can use basketball. I'm just going to Google in donkey basketball. I know donkey boxing.

That's very famous. Donkey basketball is a variation on the standard game of basketball played on a standard basketball court, but in which the players ride donkeys. I'm thinking of a donkey show, by the way oh i'm thinking of a donkey show by the way you're thinking of a donkey show you're thinking of something much well do they still dribble the ball when they're on the back don't they fuck up the court yeah what happens imagine being a pro like nba team and like you you keep on tripping and breaking your ankles because before there's a donkey basketball game these donkeys joints and they can't just be

running on no the donkeys hate it oh i see oh there's a photograph of a donkey basketball game? And these donkeys' joints, and they can't just be running on... No, the donkeys hate it. Oh, I see. Oh, here's a photograph of a donkey basketball player. I never saw such a thing. Let's see. Now, these are probably smaller basketball players than your average basketball player.

Oh, there's a woman on there. That's just a girl. Well, yeah, she's still playing donkey basketball. Now, what are you gonna... So what's the point there? It's just like basketball, but with donkeys.

It's just like wheelchair basketball, but with donkeys. Yeah. Players like wheelchair basketball, but with donkeys. Yeah. Players must be on their donkey to shoot the ball, pass the ball, or to play defense. The definition of, quote unquote, being on the donkey is a leg on either side and both feet on the ground. Off the ground, excuse me. Okay. This is crazy.

Yeah. The players are allowed to get off their donkey to retrieve a loose ball or a rebound, but the player must take their donkey with them. You can't just go get the ball and then come back to your donkey. Oh, my. You've got to keep one hand on the donkey at all times. Wow. Well, look at that. A lot of rules there. It must be like I want that to be my album title.

So you've been to a donkey basketball game? Yeah, have you seen one of these live, Marcus? I actually never have, no. Well, now, what's the mascot for something like a donkey basketball game? Because the donkeys could be the— A horse. A horse. Oh, wow.

You got to aspire. Yeah. Where do they play this? I want to go. It's a southern thing. It is? Yeah. Of course it is.

I was thinking more like a Canadian thing. Canadian thing? I can see Canadians doing it. Do they have donkeys in Canada? They have donkeys in Canada? It's pretty cold. God, no. There's a lot of warm parts of Canada full of donkeys.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely no pushing or pulling other players off their donkeys. What can't you do? You can't pull or push any other players off the donkeys. Oh, good. Yeah. Leave them alone.

Yeah. That could hurt the donkey. A player can pull on their own donkey, but not on the other player's donkey. I don't want to get in all that. So only pull on your donkey. On your own donkey. Oh, God. My fucking donkey. Wow't touch my fucking donkey.

Wow. Bridgett, don't you touch my donkey. Don't pull on my donkey. You're pulling on my donkey. This is great and no one's made a Shrek reference either, so I'm very proud of all of us. You know what? I was expecting one much

before this. Yeah, great. Because in the moment, I'm making waffles. Yeah! Right, guys? Yeah. That's right. Eddie Murphy was the donkey. That'll happen.

Technically, given that in Shrek, donkey's name was donkey. Every reference in a spiritual sense is a Shrek reference when you say donkey. I was trying to come up with a basketball player whose name sounded like donkey and then making a pun off of that, but I couldn't figure one out. Thank you for telling us that. So that's what I was thinking about. What about Alex Mookie and donkey, but that doesn't work. Donkey Blaylock?

Donkey Blaylock's okay. Mookie Blaylock was great, though. I think he played for the Hawks. Kareem Olajidonkey. I was about to say Kareem Abdul Jadonkey. Kareem Abdul Jadon was about to see a cream abdul jidanki cream abdul jidanki oh magic donkey magic donkey don't go near that dog baby you don't want that dog no that's a great donkey great donkey you have to weigh less than 200 pounds to be on the donkey. Oh, that's actually quite high. Donkey Matumbo. Yeah.

Donkey Matumbo. Michael Donkey. Michael Donkey. All right. There it is. Donkey basketball. Who knew? I just tried Larry Donkey.

Yeah. Instead of Larry Bird. Oh, yeah. Or Donkey Bird. Donkey Bird. Donkey Bird. He's kind of fun. I do love Donkey Bird. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Or Donkey Bird. Donkey Bird. Donkey Bird's kind of fun.

I love Donkey Bird. Yeah. Well, all right. What team won? They've been playing this in the U.S. since the 1930s, I'll have all of you know. Wow. Okay. All right. Is there a champion of the last year's big Donkey League?

Do we know? It's a fundraising event. Like, public schools do it. Yeah. I see. Yeah. So you get to see all your teachers and parents and everybody making a fool of themselves on the donkey and everyone claps them off. That sounds dangerous.

It's very dangerous. Yeah, it's not good for the donkey. The donkeys hate it. Huh. All right. Well, hopefully they can buy the new basketball court they need after the donkey game. That is true. They do destroy quite a bit.

Uh-huh. So this guy, he keeps fucking donkeys. He keeps fucking donkeys. I don't know if he's going to fuck donkeys he keeps fucking donkeys i don't know if he's gonna fuck donkeys for too much longer we don't know he's in jail now now it's time for seven momentary what well we today we got ours straight from a lovely lady named britney on the facebook page she says i need help naming some monkeys. We're getting 25 new monkeys at work, and I need funny monkey name suggestions. So we're each going to name five of them. Okay. I feel bad, though.

Why would you do one, one, one, one, one, or go around? Go around like that? I mean, I feel bad because Marcus doesn't get to name any of the monkeys, though. Are you sad about that? Each name one monkey and leave the rest for, you know, whoever else. Leave the rest for whoever wants to? Why don't we just wants to? Let's do two passes. How about two passes?

We can just spitball two. Two passes. Okay, I'll start. Crash Bandicoot. Oh, and there's also certain kind of monkeys. They're macaques and bonobos, I believe. Yeah, what kind of monkey are we talking here? How big is the monkey? Fine.

Nine. She didn't say. Well, that's not. I'm trying to look. She responded to my comment. Medical research, she said. No, she doesn't say what kind of monkey. Medical research?

Oh, man. Work with lab animals. Oh, my. Use for medical, yeah. Macaques and olive baboons. Oh, my. She says they will be spoiled rotten like all our other animals. Okay, good. So, that'll be that.

Oh, yeah, that's right. I talked to her at the Atlanta show. Yeah, the macaques carry herpes B, the deadly one. So, they're trying to save the monkeys, technically. Are they trying to help? I hope they're trying to help. No, they're like testing shampoo on them. If they start crying when it gets in their eyes, then we don't get the shampoo.

We already got... We have tested so much shampoo. We're good on shampoo. She says no one has gotten herpes and died from a research monkey since either 1998 or 1999, okay? So we should be alright. I don't know about all this animal testing, but that's fine.

It's all lipstick stuff and whatnot. What's the monkey, cabin monkey name? Oh, Flamingo Sonic. Oh, wow. Chewy Busey. Ooh. I like that. Octopussy.

Oh. Kind of a criminal. That's good. Juju. All right. King Grumblebum. Okay. King Grumblebum.

Everyone's names are so long. Don't you think it's a little much for the munchies. Call him Grumbly. Call him Bummy. Call him King. That's why they're always like Bobo and Monkey Monk. Monkey Monk. I don't know anybody who's named their monkey monkey monk.

I'll go next. I'm going to go with The Juice is Loose. Whoa. Because he was recently released on parole. He's not released. He's in. Not until October, but yeah. He'll be out. Whoa. Deuce. Because he was recently released on parole. He's not released. He's in. Not until October, but yeah. He'll be out.

Galgamesh. Ooh. Only as long as you give him a crown. He doesn't have to wear it all the time, but he should own it. I'm going to go with Dr. Runkle's puff. I don't know if I'd make a monkey a doctor. Why not? Put a lab coat.

It's in a lab. Senor Nanners. That's a good one. Senor Nanners I really enjoy. I kind of want to get a dog and call it Senor Nanners. Oh, that's cute. Gobbly Gook. All right.

Well, don't shorten that one. Even the wrong version of it. Bam-a-lam-a-ding-dong. Okay, kind of doing songs. I like bam-a-lam-a-ding-dong. Yeah, it's good. Yeah, you call it ding-dong. Yeah, ding-dong.

Everyone loves ding-dong. Let's do one more round. One more round. All right. I feel like we're getting better every round. Yeah. Trudy. Trudy.

I knew a woman named Trudy growing up. Oh, was she saucy? She was super saucy. Of course she fucking is. I love the name Trudy. Yeah, she was like Trudy growing up. Oh, was she saucy? She was super saucy. Of course she fucking is. I love the name Trudy. Yeah, she was like four foot five. Hell yeah. Spicy, spicy.

Spicy Trudy. Al Dente. Al Dente. You give this name to only your firmest monkey. Well, just firm enough. Yeah, just firm enough. Perfectly firm. I'm going to go with Lord Dorbler.

All right. Lord Dorbler. Wow. Juicy lips. Oh. Okay. Do you call them juicy? Come here, juicy.

How juicy are you today, juicy? I don't know if we can go with any of these. Larry Zonka. That's a running back for the Miami Dolphins yeah yeah he's great he was under he's a hairy son of a bitch

good good husband yeah where's my husband where's my husband that'll happen get it in there I shocked no one

called the monkey that'll happen fucking fucking shocked you gotta wait for it to hit you in the face with doo doo Get it in there. I'm shocked no one called the monkey that'll happen. Fucking shot. You got to wait for it to hit you in the face with doo-doo. Happen. All right. Is that it?

I think so. Should we end? I guess so. Let's do it. We do one more round. One more round. Because then that's a little bit of, that's like, I guess that would be 18 monkey names. And then you can keep going a little bit.

Yeah, and then she can choose a couple herself. This one's definitely one of your favorites. My pride. My pride. My pride. Nightshade. I'm going to go with fresh prints of ball hair. Oh!

How about creepyepy Fingers? They got creepy fingers. Peckers. Oh, Peckers the monkey is fun. Counts Van Zandt. All right. All right. Solid one.

Very kind. That would be the saddest monkey. But he's bipolar, so he's fun sometimes. Oh, yeah. When he's fun, he's great. When he's fun, he's fantastic. When he's fun, he's fantastic. When he's sad, he's awful. So sad.

He drank a lot. Drinking monkey. All right, is that it? That's it. So I guess those are our some suggestions about monkey names. Yeah, you take it,

leave it, Brittany, whatever you want to do. Whatever. Peckers. If you could do Peckers. Yeah, sure. If you could please call a monkey husband

And Senor Nanners Is perfect Senor Nanners Sure Juicy Lips Juicy Lips A lot of fun names in there Juju's probably taken

Could be You had some good ones But they're you know They're all like They're long Yeah they're like Sergeant you know Yeah

They all start with something Yes That's kind of fun Yeah Alright well this is The round table Now we have anything We want to plug Well you're Start with something. Yes, that's kind of fun. Yeah. All right, well, this is the roundtable. Now, we have anything we want to plug? Well, you're BK for BK.

BK for BK. We got some big events coming up. Elpocalypse. We're talking the El train. That's big. Jackie? Nope. Thank you.

Edders? Brider side. Let's do the Brider side. Listen to Brider side. Yep. Oh, yeah. I got things to do. Oh, Call a Monkey. Gleeker.

Gleeker. Gleeker. Gleeker is good. That's kind of fun. Yeah. But only if he's really stupid. Yeah. Sure.

Sure. That's all I got. That's good. Holden Eddershoe on Twitch. We got Jaggy playing Dream Daddies once a week and Brider side live on there and all sorts of shit. I'm going to try to get Kevin in soon. And yeah, Holden Eddershoe on Twitch. We got Jaggy playing Dream Daddies once a week and Brighter Side Live on there and all sorts of shit. I'm going to try to get Kevin in soon. And yeah, Hold Night or So on Twitch. Alright.

Anything, Kevin? I don't think so. Not anymore. Not anymore. You really had it for a while. But you have the finale of the Carmichael shows coming up and you wrote that, right? Oh yeah, there's still a couple episodes there. Wednesday's not there.

It's an hour-long finale. Two episodes. Wrote both of them. Oh, yeah. Check that out. I got to say, I was just home recently, and my parents were talking about that show, and they're like,

it's the only black show we like, and we love it. That's big. You broke the racism of the NYPD police officer. That's almost nice. Wow. By Zabrowski standards, that's the sweetest thing

that's ever been said. Really close. Wow. And now you can ask yourself, why? Yikes. That will happen. All right.

That's so funny. For more shows like the one you just listened to