The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 339: Something A Dog Does

Episode Date: August 17, 2017

The gang is joined by Byron Baldrini to tell their best pee stories, learn about the unauthorized fondling of a man’s trombone, and decide what they’d name their elephants.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. How does this begin now?

I know it's Jackie's turn to pray. I know that much. Shut up and pray, you bitch. God. Fucking put me to death. I'm ready to die. I don't want to be alive anymore.

And if I could die, that would be great. Thank you. Love, Jackie. Welcome to 30, Jackie. Thank you. Welcome to 30. Welcome to 30. Yeah, I feel great about it.

This is it. All right. So we're going hostless, Marcus. What do you think? Hostless? Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. Hey! We don't need no host, goddammit. No, I'm the host. Oh, you're going to the round table gentlemen everybody. We don't need no host

god damn it. No I'm the host. You're going to host? Oh yeah. Well maybe. I said yes to this before. Candidates on news stories. So far my rating of your hosting 7 out of 10. Oh great.

That's a little generous. That's pretty good for being new at this. Yeah, way over your head. You clap like an orangutan. I do have monkey arms. Do you go first, Jackie? I go first with what? We got Jackie Zabrowski.

You got to say, hey, Jackie. How you doing? What's going on? I'm Jackie. Yeah, I'm Jackie Zabrowski. That's the host's job to do it. That's Jackie Zebrowski. Thank you.

Jackie, how does it feel to be 30 years old? I'm 30 years old, and I'm very, very hungover. Cool. All right, Jackie. I got all the pizzazz today, guys. I woke up at 3 o'clock, and that's what being 30 is, man, and I'm having a great time. What was your favorite part of the party bus?

All the party bus. All the part of the party bus. What was your least favorite part? Getting off the party bus. Not being on the party bus anymore. It was great. Yeah, I don't remember the rest of it. Fuck yeah.

Ahmed Larson. No! Yeah, I know. I feel it. I feel it. I'm Ed Larson and uh no yeah I know I feel it I feel it I'm hot I'm sweaty I'm dripping out of my body oh yeah and I um I was I want to go back to sleep yep yeah this is a weird this is a holding it hold holding it as ho um there is not a droplet of serotonin left in my system. Let me do these PlayStation shout-outs. Riding a party bus is like being on ecstasy. Yeah, it is. It's like when you get in the bus. Yeah!

Yes! Just screaming for no reason. Yeah, within five minutes Cena was giving Jackie a lap dance Yeah And we started chanting And I let a chant

Suck his dick I let the chant That was Oh yeah Oh you guys almost Had a bear bus Oh yeah We were getting close to it

We were getting close It was getting bad Here's your There's only three PlayStation PlayStation Network Shoutouts Fuck It was getting bad Here's your There's only three PlayStation PlayStation Network shoutouts Fuck God damn it

I can't do this Marcus You can do it man Help me Don't be upset You just do your First shoutout Dan Go

Dan Bear Pig How about you just throw This guy a shoutout On every episode Because someone would Really like that Much love I don't know how

to do this. Number two, you only got three. You're doing great. Number two. He's having a real hard time. Put your sweat rag

on your mouth. It goes everywhere. Yeah, I suck on the, yeah, because you bring the water back in you. Yeah, yeah, that's how I get

my salt diet. He doesn't bring a salt lick. That's how I get my salt diet. Arsenal, PlayStation 2. PlayStation 2. PlayStation 3 shout out number two.

Arsenal 0328 says, hey, Holden, love the show and everyone on it. My wife loves Jaggy, but isn't a fan of Ed. What is that? Oh, wow. She says he sounds. You married a bitch. She says he sounds like he is covered in hair. My friend Sean is allergic to everything.

Can you make fun of him, please? Sean, you're a fucking child molester. Also, I hope you guys get rip-roaring drunk this episode. Cheers. Sounds like I'm covered in hair. Yeah. By the way, I saw some YouTube comments on our Brighter Side Live, and multiple people said they swore you were a black man before they saw you.

They thought Ed was black? They thought Ed was black as fuck. I don't understand that at all. Literally cool. Hell yeah, good for those people. They have fucked up ears. They don't hear good. Yeah.

Oh shit. Jeez. So un... This is what we get when we bring an amateur in. Bring in the shout outs. Bring it all over the shout outs. Bird 420 Luger says holla holla ho

you just read my shout out twice and still didn't answer the question. When are we going to get more Holden Talks for 30 minutes? Stop harassing me. Yeah. Is your answer. Stop giving him a voice.

Yeah, stop harassing me. No, if he sends a shout out I'll totally gladly say a shout out but if he's going to harass me I'm going to call the police on him. I'll tell you what, man. Bird 420 Luger would out there running his mouth and using my name to do it.

And I don't know how I feel about it, man. Every day. What's another person? Huh? Is that Bird 420 Luger? Bird 420 Luger, yeah. And he only asked for Holden talks for 30 minutes. Yeah, yeah.

He doesn't ask for Bird Luger talks for 30 minutes. He doesn't ask for Bird Luger talks for 30 minutes. He doesn't ask for Bird Luger talk for a sentence. He doesn't say Bird Luger talk for a fucking millisecond. I don't think he's ever said anything nice to you other than steal your name. Nah, he took my name and runs his mouth. That ain't right. That's a piece of shit. You should arrest him.

He's worse than that guy's wife. You should probably call the police on him. We should at least have a breakdance battle of some sort because this is how you choose your B-boy name. If somebody else got your name, you battle them for it, and then it's yours. Burn for it, Tway Luger. Come see me in Bushwick, man.

Bring the linoleum. And if the loser has a kid, you get the kid, too. Oh, yeah. Everything, man. You take all their shit. You take their bitch. You take their kids. You take all their shit. Yeah. You take their bitch. You take their kids. You take all their macaroni and cheeses.

You take whatever the fuck. Assuming they have multiple macaroni. You grab that kid. You take off his shirt. You slap him in his fucking tits. Whatever you want. You slap around his... You box them tits around on that little kid

and he fucking takes it and he deals with it because he's yours now. Exactly. Once you got the kid, that's your property. I'd pull his penis behind him and call it his dumb tail.

That's what I would do to that guy. If I had fucking five seconds alone with any man. And joining us is Byron Boldreedy. Hi. How you doing, buddy? Flew in from Pittsburgh, Kansas. I did. For the party bus. Well worth it.

An incredible time. It was a wonderful experience. Yeah. Yeah. More speechlessness on our talk show. It's great to be here. It's great to be here. If I ever asked you to carry an episode.

Well, I'm the only one who didn't go on the party bus because I had to work. Yes. Yeah. I was drunk enough that I forgot you weren't there. Which is understandable.

Totally understandable. I can be quiet sometimes. Bit of a corner boy. Oh, yeah, Kevin, you fucked up in New Orleans last week. I didn't fuck up, man. You got fucked.

I got fucked up. You got got. On your birthday. On my birthday. Long story short, I was robbed in New Orleans by two girls I thought I was going to have a threesome with on my birthday. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes that happens. Run through.

Most times you get robbed. I was cased, man. You know, these two bitches, which I think is fine to say bitches given the context ran up on me they ran up on me they were very nice to me very nice local ladies local ladies I believe you know very attractive to both of them very touchy very generous you can't trust not a bitch not. And so the thing is, they pickpocketed me. I was fleeced. They were very touchy. And at a certain point, they were like, oh, come take a shot with us at this place.

All right, cool, cool. And then at a certain point, I was like, oh, shit, my phone. They're like, oh, is it at the other bar? And they helped me look for it for a while. And I was like, I don't know, maybe we were just trying to fit. We were sitting down. They helped me look for my phone for like 30 minutes. God, that's good.

The identity test. That's so good at it. That's professional. And They helped me look for my phone for like 30 minutes. God, that's good. That's so good at it. That's professional. And then at a certain point, my wallet was just gone. And then I was like, oh, wait a minute. And then they were gone. And these were professionals, man, because they had watched me. They see me texting people.

So they had my phone lock code. So like five minutes later, I'm with my friends trying to find my iPhone. I see they're only a couple blocks away. And I got out of my apple id i couldn't get in i couldn't get on my computer i couldn't i was locked out all my notes all my work everything so they changed your whole they changed everything they're smart they took everything from me and i'm proud of them for it this is the ocean is 11. i'm getting your shit took. On your birthday. On my birthday. And they knew it was my birthday. They got your driver's license.

They had everything. And they knew I was flying out the next morning. They didn't give a shit. Oh, man. They really took you for a ride. That's how you destroy the patriarchy. You take everything from a man who has nothing. What were their fake names?

I don't remember, man. Because I keep it moving, baby. I don't be out here remembering these bitches' names. Yeah, they got me, man. They ran up two grand at Walmart and about $40 at Popeyes. They had a blast. I'm really happy for them. That was my birthday gift to them.

I still don't got an ID. I got real lucky getting on that flight, man. Yeah, they make you answer a bunch of questions and weird shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I printed up a picture of my passport at the hotel. And because I had just moved from L.A., I randomly had a checkbook in my book bag that I forgot to take out. But it was from an account I closed, like, a year ago.

So I had that. And they needed a third piece of identification, or just something with my name on it or a piece of mail. And I had nothing, and I was digging through my bag, and I somehow had a Carmichael show script with my name on it. And then the guy was, like, a huge Carmichael show fan. And so that's how I got on the plane. Perfect.

That's crazy. God bless you. Did you break the news to him that the show's been canceled? Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't do that. He was like, it's my favorite show in the whole world. I'm like, well, the season finale is tonight. He's like, oh, man, I can't wait for next season.

I'm like, me neither, man. neither I'm gonna get on this flight now And go back to Brooklyn With nothing Let's do a news story Oh god You looked at me And I was so afraid You were gonna ask me

To do a segment And I was just like You're gonna have to do a segment I will I think I came up with it Yeah Do you want a spoiler alert? No

No no no Can we get a taste? Sure. It has to do with Kevin's story. Can I do Game of Thrones spoilers? No. Okay. I won't spoil any of the books.

What about Soprano spoilers? What about Soprano spoilers? Yeah, that show's been out long enough. He killed Christopher. He killed Christopher? Yes, Tony killed Christopher. What? Yeah, he did it

There was a car accident. He smothered him cuz he's a fucking weasel That's how you kill weasels you smother them to death that you get no fucking car accident with them before the cops come He's a weasel and he deserved I am I suck my I Suck my thumb like wait way too late into my childhood, which is why I have an oral fixation. When did you start sucking your thumb?

No, no, just way too late into my childhood. I probably was sucking on it until I was in my early, maybe early teens even. I don't know. Bullshit. Really? I was probably- 14, 15 years old?

No, that's probably- I played with action figures. I used to hide them. I with action figures I used to hide them I used to hide them under my pillow because I was so deeply ashamed My mother boxed them up

and put them in the attic because it was like alright, well you're like a young adult now Maybe she just thought you'd go live there Right Maybe she just thought

I'd live in the attic And so yeah, I used to hide them and stuff and she'd find them and I'd feel a deep shame but I was stuck in my thumb probably till like probably not early teens but like late in life You used to hide them and stuff, and she'd find them, and I'd feel a deep shame. But I was stuck in my thumb probably until, like, probably not early teens, but, like, late in life.

You used to suck on the action figures' heads? Yeah, probably. I did that for a little while. Sure, of course. I ran some paint off a He-Man one time. Yeah. Yeah, it happens. I was fat.

Always hungry. Just because you wanted food. Put peanut butter on it. I never did that, but now that I can go back in time. Like a dog. You're trying to voluntarily make yourself a dog. Man, that's cool. I used to eat Flintstone vitamins like they were going out of style.

Oh, yeah. I used to think it was going to make me strong, but I was just sick. Yeah. Yeah, they would have to hide them. They put them on top of the refrigerator So you couldn't get them Because I would eat the fuck out of all of them That's a bad idea making candy vitamins

It's a shitty decision They were delicious And then they just made a candy That tasted like Flintstones vitamins Except it was shaped like bugs What's that? It was called like bug catchers or something I ate the shit out of them

That sounds great I love that Of course you loved bug catching called like bug catchers or something I hate the shit out of them they probably only saw that you fucking the swamp in Texas Marcus off at first I like well this is more of a lifestyle than a treat at one point during Jackie's dinner last night I looked down the table and I saw Marcus teaching my girlfriend how to eat out of bones, and I got really happy. Oh, no. Your girlfriend was teaching me how to eat out of the bones.

Oh, really? I've never had bone marrow before. I'm even more proud. Tastes awful. I don't like it. It tastes like a car. It tastes like something that you scrape off of a car engine. It tastes like shit.

I didn't want to fuck with it. It tastes like the essence of bone, which, you know, in essence it is. But it's just steak if it was way over steak. It's awful. I like it because if you don't feel like eating it, you can snort it. I was on it. Nice. I was on it.

Claudette, my mom, she was, oh, it's her birthday today, too. She was out there always eating that bone marrow, man. She'd just been munching on them bones. I was like, bitch, you disgusted me. It was the hottest. Her new story. Oh, yeah, that's right. A Pennsylvania woman accused of setting her sleeping boyfriend on fire

and throwing buckets of urine on him to extinguish the flames has died of an apparent heroin overdose. I can't believe this. Whoa, whoa, whoa. So hold on. There's a lot to unpack here. There's a lot to unpack here. There's a lot to unpack. Premeditated.

Yeah. So when did she do this? Is this all in the same day? No, it's a separate incident. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's back up a little bit. This is all in Pennsylvania.

All right. Authorities allege that a Pennsylvania woman set her sleeping boyfriend on fire and then threw buckets of urine on him to extinguish the flames. So she was saving urine? Yeah. Yes, they were saving urine. We'll get to that.

Okay. Penn Hill's police chief, Howard Burton, says 38-year-old Leanne Sepelyak and the man argued early Sunday, and after he fell asleep, she doused him with gasoline and set him ablaze. Her parents live upstairs and heard the man's screams and rushed into the room. Burton says Sepuljak then threw at least two buckets of urine on him. Here's the reveal. The couple had been urinating in buckets so as to not disturb the parents. Oh. Thoughtful.

Maybe she flipped out because of that and set him on fire. That they were having to piss in the bucket? That they don't have a bathroom. Yeah, that would make me mad. If I was living with somebody and we didn't have a bathroom and I had to pee in a bucket in the corner, that could lead me to setting someone on fire. That shit builds.

Like to funk off that bucket of piss. It just steadily wears. And then every time you crack the skin on that shit, it just gets worse. Absolutely. That's the, yeah. If you ever like go through a period of not flushing a toilet and you keep peeing on the same pee, it gets stinky. Yeah.

I can only imagine if there's no water to dilute it. I used to have pee jars. Well, I'd pee in Gatorade bottles. Yeah. At least those have lids. I never did the pee in a bottle. Why would you do You just didn't want to get out of bed

Yeah avoiding people There's all that Yeah Yeah just having I've been in some situations In my life Where I've had to Avoid certain people

That I have lived with And pee in buckets And or pee in Gatorade bottles To avoid seeing Or even looking at said person And then you go Cash them in With the homeless lady

Down the street I have a I have good news. A little side topic. Lexi found her phone. Yeah, she lost her phone last night on the party bus and she just found it.

Where was it? I think it was in the cab. Cool. Great. Just wanted to throw it out there. Glad. I remember one time I peed out a window because I was waiting for the bathroom.

My roommate wouldn't get out. I've also done that, man. Just shot it right out the window yeah this remind me there was a while a couple years ago like there was this girl I was hooking up with a little bit and she lived with this really old Jewish man very Orthodox Jewish religion man so it was a secret anytime I was over there yeah so one time I woke up midnight I had to pee pretty bad but this guy was in the bathroom taking all day cuz you know old people don't know how to handle their business fast it doesn't business fast anymore yeah exactly he's just all

up in that bathroom your dick to get it back in your underwear oh yeah yeah so i i go and i pee in this in this water bottle in a room it's a lot i fill up the whole thing you know and uh so then i go back to sleep whatever whatever she knew she saw me doing it I leave right one of my friends you know we jokingly talk about her whatever he's trying to tell me he's just friends with her he ends up hooking up with her clearly because he was like yeah man you told me how you peed in homegirls uh this is the room in the bottle I went over there it's still there later I was like wait a, how do you know?

What were you doing over there? He's like, yeah, I had sex with her. I was like, but she kept it. It was weeks later. And there was a bottle of my urine in this chick's room. That's got your DNA. Maybe she just didn't want to touch it. Like, she just kept putting it off.

Or maybe she was trying to capture my essence so that she could eventually grow wings. This is Bird Hooger's shit. That's what she's doing. I get it. This is alchemy. I peed on your shoes when we lived together, right Jack? No, you pissed in Madeline's boots.

Why did you pee? I was sleep peeing. I'd never done it. This is the only time I'd ever done it. Well, I guess I would know if I did it. Well, I guess I wouldn't know if I did it. Yeah, I guess you wouldn't know. And one time, you and Madeline pissed on my feet. Yeah, we pissed on Marcus's feet. What? What is wrong with you people?

On Marcus's foot or something? We were in Coney Island, and they had to piss real bad. We were actually at a dog shit show out in Coney Island. Oh, yeah. And Madeline and Jackie had to piss really badly and so they were like, Marcus, come here, look out,

look out for us and they pissed so forcefully and I was wearing flip flops. Like skunks. They sprayed it. They pissed so forcefully that they sprayed piss all over my feet

and I had to ride all the way back to fucking Bushwick with piss. Like a couple of filthy, whorish skunks. Unbelievable.

And you're laughing. And she's laughing. We spray everywhere. You're an animal. You're lucky you didn't get attacked by deer. A deer just jumped right down. Oh man, my feet.

You are so mad. Yeah. You can't piss on that. It's like an old Shakespearean insult. It's like biting your thumb at somebody. Pissing on their feet. They're just laughing because they fucking angled to shoot. Damn.

It's a Coney Island dessert right there. And both of them, first of all, next to after dinner. Next to each other? Holding hands? Were you holding hands? Pissing next to each other. You, you all piss next to each other all the time. Oh,

please. It's different. We don't like point our asses out and look in each other's eyes and giggle. Yeah. We were more cackling

than anything. I remember those cackles. They're evil. They're evil women They are Man we are bitches That's for sure Don't trust us It was definitely

One of those moments Where I had to ask Are these my friends And that moment Happened again and again Last night It was a shit show On that party bus

I can't tell you How just Fucking frenetic the energy was. And by the way, and that alcohol is just sloshing around in your body, too, because you're taking shots. And the bus is fucking rocking. My whole body hurts. The bus bounced like a motherfucker. The back row of the bus, it gets a little bouncy back there.

I mean, it's cool, but it beat the shit out of you. But we had the ultimate remedy. Did it have rows? Yeah, it was like the whole bus was lined in chairs, and there was a row in the middle. And then it was all lit up like a disco. It was great. Yeah, yeah.

I remember the sign that said trash for whatever reason. I couldn't read it for a while, and I thought it said trap, and I'm like, hell yeah, man. It's the trap bus. Don't read the trap bus. I couldn't read it. So she's dead? Dead.

Yeah. Real. That poor woman. Real dead. Real dead. Victim of the opioid crisis. Oh, real dead. Speaking of urine, too, I just remembered this.

It's not even me, but this was like a month ago or something. I was in D.C., and there's another comedian there who happened to be there at the same time. I won't say his name in case he cares about this. We were hanging out pretty late in the night in D.C., and my cousin lives there, and he's going to give me a ride back to the hotel. He's like, yo, you want a ride? And the guy's like, oh, no, no, I'm fine. My hotel's like right down, it's a couple blocks away.

I'll be fine. I'll be walking. Right? Next morning, I see, I run into him at the airport. He lied to me. He said his airport was much later than mine. I run into him at check-in or whatever. And then we go down, we're sitting down, like, oh, let's go to some breakfast before this

flight. And we're just sitting there talking. He's like, yeah, yeah, you know. I was like, oh, that's not, it was fun, man. It was good. Crazy. We're both at the same time. I said, whatever. You know, I'm not going to lie to you, man.

I peed my pants last night. I peed my pants last night. And I was like, well, what happened? He's like, you know, I started walking, and I realized my hotel was much further than I said it was originally. It was 1.8 miles from where we were. So we started walking. It was packed.

Every corner he went to, it was cops everywhere. He's like, well, I can't get arrested in D.C. So I just peed my pants. So we started walking. It was packed. Every corner he went to, it was cops everywhere. He's like, well, I can't get arrested in D.C., so I just peed my pants. Then a waiter comes. He's like, yeah, I get the blood sausage with the head.

And he was wearing the same pants because he only brought one pair. So he was sitting there in pee-stained pants. And that man was Gerard Carmichael.

Really took a turn in that guy's career over the past month or so. It's kind of fucked up, though, that legally you have to pee your pants. Like, if you got to go to the bathroom, you got nowhere to go. You got to. You're supposed to, like, that's the law.

Pee your pants. Madness. Who's it going to disturb if you take it out? Every animal pees outside. Why can't I do something a dog does? A lot of reasons. That's your platform right there. Why can't I do something a dog does?

Vote for Ed Larson. I'm peeing outdoors. I'm with you, man. We're going to campaign for dog rights for everybody. Let's do this, man. Why can't I bite a woman? Yeah. Well, dogs technically, they'll get put to death.

They'll get put to death? Well, exactly. There is a dog law there. Punishment's much harder for a dog on that one. Yeah. Dogs get much harsher punishments. That's true. If I want to roll on my back and get my belly scratched, though, I shouldn't be fucking

being an asshole about it that's totally legal I think that's sexual harassment no if you point your belly at someone yeah I guess so

I guess if my dick's hanging out I think if you have a you just took a piss dogs don't wear clothes either I mean that is part of

part of the campaign I got a light hearted story sure it's still kind of sad but it's light hearted does it have a dead woman in it it does not have a dead woman there you go let's do it dead dog no dead anything I got a lighthearted story. It's still kind of sad, but it's lighthearted. Does it have a dead woman in it?

It does not have a dead woman in it. Dead dog? No dead anything. Okay, great. Well, actually, they're dead trombone. Oh, no. All right. Peoria police are investigating the unauthorized fondling of a man's trombone.

The trombone is Sam's, and he's not happy. His trombone has been brazenly violated, in its case, ripped asunder. The mouthpiece pounded harshly. The slide tossed aside cavalierly. A newcomer to Peoria, he is mystified. Why would someone slip into his apartment and manhandle nothing but his

trombone? He said, what the heck is that about? Sam is a nickname. He doesn't want his real name or address in the paper. Sam, 52, played the sax in grade school, but switched to trombone in middle school. Sam says, who stands well over six feet tall, there were no trombonists, and I had the longest arms. The strategy worked until high school.

That's when his family moved to a new city. He says, at my new school, there were like seven guys who played the trombone. Amidst stiffer competition, he drifted away from music. But in recent years, a lung problem brought him back to the trombone. He says he uses it as therapy.

Is this from a middle school paper? Why are you telling us all this bullshit? Sam has a breathing problem. He says his doctors haven't definitively diagnosed, but his lungs don't draw enough oxygen, so he frequently uses an oxygen tank. Plus, his lungs often generate thick mucus, worsening his

breathing problems. What the fuck? They've been into shit. There are medical devices and breathing exercises that can help break up mucus. Instead, Sam remembered his trombone days and conjured his own treatment. His old trombone,

long gone, he went to a pawn shop and looked for a youth model. New trombones run about $1,500. Where are we? Fuck this guy. But he found a nice one for $750. I'll tell you what, man.

Trombones are expensive, and they were hard to come by. I'll tell you, man, I play saxophone, man. That's been the whole thing. I went to school for it and all that. But when I went to middle school, I went to middle school of the arts. I auditioned on piano, right? Got there. My whole thing was they got trombones in middle school.

I'm about to play the fuck out of this trombone. That was the goal. And I get to middle school, they're like, yo, Kev, we out of trombones, man. And I was like, what the fuck? And I almost walked out, but I decided to play saxophone instead, which is a decision I regret to this day because had I played trombone, I would have way better biceps. Well, as Sam started to play again,

I still don't know what I'm doing, he says with a proud smile. He felt a stirring inside his lungs. He says, the trombone vibrates, and it makes my lungs vibrate. So when he belts out a tune, he breaks up mucus. Again, fuck this guy. I mean, if you need an oxygen tank to play the trombone, you're cheating. No, fuck this guy. If you need an oxygen tank to play the trombone, you're cheating. No, no, no.

You're taking it all wrong. He was having to use an oxygen tank to break up his mucus, but he found that playing the trombone breaks up his mucus instead. Oh, because it vibrates and all that. He mostly plays what he calls church music. Granted, you don't hear a branch section in most bands.

Hymns are written mostly for pianos and guitars, but Sam got a music teacher to rewrite some hymns for the trombone, and lately he'd been perfecting What a Friend I Have in Jesus. I just want to beat the shit out of this guy. Out of Sam or the guy who wrote it? Both. Listen, Jackie, I don't think you can beat the shit out of this man because it sounds like to me he has an indomitable spirit.

He can still be smiling afterwards. I just mean you're bloody on the ground and yet grinning. Mucinex. Just get Mucinex. Yeah, but that's nowhere near as fun. They're going like... I tell you, man, that's some fun trombone music out there. I know, I really do like the trombone.

It's one of my favorite instruments. You ever heard a guy play Baby Elephant Walk on a trombone? Oh, no. Oh, and speaking of trombone, playing some gospel and hymn stuff, you need to check out that Wycliffe Gordon and Eric Reid album called We Is Just Trombone Piano the Whole Time. Good God, man, It really changed your life. I like trombone shorty.

I think he's pretty cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm into him. But I only like him live. I don't really like his albums. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you going to do? But Sam's trombone has been silent for a month.

How in the planet is this still a story? It's such a long story. We're only like halfway through. Why would we be that far? Sam and a lady friend have been living in Dixon. But this summer, she got a job offer in Peoria. So they found an apartment near Pioneer Parkway. Omit it!

Omit that part! This guy really got to the bottom of everything. We need to make this guy solve a miracle or something. This guy really got to the bottom of everything. We need to make this guy solve a miracle or something. That last two minutes was useless. In mid-July, they began moving in stages. At what point did this trombone player say, this is none of your fucking business?

This has nothing to do with him. Metta bitch moved. Those are the two fucking things for the last 40 minutes of my life. But what would you do, though? Put yourself in his shoes. You get home. You get home. You're like, my daggone trombone has been manhandled.

Well, I'm calling the paper. That's what else would you do? What else would you do? That's the first move. What else would you do? You gotta move. You have to move. I mean, everybody's gotta move.

Find a lady friend. I swear to God, if I had a trombone, that shit was getting manhandled. First thing I'd do, at least the New York Post is gonna hear about it. I guarantee that lady friend is made the fuck up. There is no way a mucusy motherfucker is fucking getting away with this.

Yeah, he probably sounds like a host. Hey, look, will the coolest party boss blow me off? I heard that everyone in Peoria is covered in their own cum. Yeah, I heard that, too. I heard there's a cum waterfall that they go stand under. Well, the couple... Don't look at the top of that waterfall. Bunch of old men up there.

Jerking off. Shooting it down the... You can't even pay me to be here for another five minutes. I gotta go. I'm out. I'm leaving. Fucking Peoria piece of shit.

Well, a couple brought a small number of items, including the Trebon about a month ago, while a maintenance crew cleaned and painted their place. Then they returned with more items at the end of the month. Wow. On that second trip, Sam glimpsed the bedroom closet. That's where he'd placed his trombone,

zipped in its canvas case. But the case had been torn open. Sam says they didn't even bother to use the zipper. And the Trump... How do you not use the zipper? How do you not? The slide was pulled off. The mouthpiece, which is supposed to gently

sit in place, was jammed into the instrument. The parts, along with the lubricants and oils, were haphazardly thrust back into the instrument. The parts, along with the lubricants and oils, were haphazardly thrust back into the case. Sam said, it was all just thrown in there. I guess they couldn't figure out how to put it back together. Nothing else in the

apartment had been touched. Who sneaks into a residence just to fiddle with a trombone? You can't imagine a seasoned burglar would blast a trombone. It's hard to keep a caper quiet that way. That's why you see few trombonists

as cat burglars. Are we in this story still? I love, I mentally love the whole room. That's a little, that's a little editorializing on the part of the writer.

Who wrote this shit? That would be Phil Luciano, Journal Star columnist for the Peoria Journal Star. Boy, I'd say I was captivated by that. No, I'm not done yet. Not with that guy. Phil, go ahead. Though the couple had locked the place

when they left in mid-July, there were no signs of forced entry. Maybe an interloper crept in while the maintenance crew was fixing up the place. It was a rat. I'm calling it right now. It was a rat. Big rat? Yep. Big fucking rat. Big fat rat.

With big fat rat teeth. They don't know how to use zippers. They can get into a canvas bag too. I would argue given all the documentaries I've watched and the knowledge I've accrued over the years, the interest that rats have in trombones is at best minimal. Otherwise a world class burglar somehow managed to infiltrate a locked apartment

and leave without a trace just for the pleasure of pawing a trombone. It was someone in the maintenance crew. Clearly, it was someone in the maintenance crew. It's a rat. A rat maintenance crew member. Sam called the police. Crime scene techs dusted the trombone for fingerprints.

So far, there are no suspects. Okay, I got one for you. Rat King, like from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He controls the rats. Tells them to do as he wishes.

Yeah, and he's just a fun, funny guy. He's not trying to take over the world. He's just shenanigans. He loves to do shit. Well, meanwhile, Sam thinks the intruder

damaged the instrument, which now makes a scraping sound when he moves the slide. He's not sure how much it'll cost to fix. Until it's repaired, he doesn't want to play his trombone, which means he can't give himself the self-taught lung treatment. He's had a lot on his mind. But foremost,

Sam has been racking his brain to figure out what sort of person would break in and violate a trombone. He says, who does this? And that's the end of the tale. That'll happen. Boy, oh boy, that really was a roller coaster. It was the maintenance crew.

Who else? They were in there. They saw the thing. They opened it. They played it, right? Yeah, they fucked around with it, and they were having a great time. You got a utility? Yeah, they're all set.

All this reporting on this guy, his girlfriend, the painting of the house, the mucus. Not once does he try to blame the obvious culprit. Sometimes you got eight inches to fill on a column and you got to stretch it a little bit. It's also like, you know, think about this for a second. You're angry about the story, but if you give it a moment to think, right? Ask yourself this question, all of us, after hearing this story. Is your life not better? It is not improved.

I'd call it more enriched from hearing the story. Yeah. From that yarn that was spun for us just now. Jackie, can you say one better thing about your life that's happening right now after hearing that story? Nah, man. I think it's that now I'm not as hungover. Now I'm just pissed off. Y'all want to see

a picture of the trombone? Of course. Check it out. Oh, that's a trombone. Hand-handled and tossed asunder. And if you can, you can actually see

the ripped-up case right there. You can see where they didn't use the zipper. It's a beautiful instrument, I have to say. It is a nice, I mean, that's a $750 trombone right there. At least see where they didn't use the zipper. It's a beautiful instrument. I have to say. It is a nice, I mean, that's a $750 trombone right there.

Oh no, it says in the story he paid $750. I know, he got a deal. They normally go for $1,500, you know. Yeah, trombones ain't cheap, man. I learned that in the 6th grade when they told me, we don't got no more trombones. I can't believe that happened to you.

Yeah, man. Your life would be so different if you were a trombone player. Completely different. Butterfly effect, man. Absolutely different. I bet you'd be like really nerdy and stuff and be like a book person. You'd be like,

look at these books I got from the bookstore. Not trombone players. Trombone players are in the backflip still. Yeah, there's a few. Thank you, Patrick. I feel like I'm so hungover, I'm like tripping. If I drank my sweat, I'd probably get hammered. Yeah.

I woke up drunk. I woke up drunk. Yeah. I'm probably still. Yeah, I'd say I'm about 10% drunk right now. That's a good start. I'm glad we keep checking in on it, though. Yeah.

I have to. Notable trombone players include Trombone Shorty. Yep. Yep. Man, luckily he's a trombone player. You're going to be given a name like that. You can't be playing the fucking marangas. Trombone Shorty, you can't be like a martial artist.

I don't know, man. It'd be a good movie. Trombone Kung Fu. Trombone Kung Fu. Slide Hampton. Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Tommy Dorsey.

Tommy Dorsey. Tommy Dorsey's the man. Frank Rosalino. All right. Glenn Miller. Bill Watrous. No, Glenn Miller? Bill Watrous. No, Glenn Miller didn't play the trumpet. He was a manly conductor.

Conrad Herwig. Oh, okay. That makes sense. Irby Green. Fuck him. Honestly. Yeah, fuck that guy. He has strong feelings. Irby Green's a fucking... He's a rapist. Oh, Jesus. Don't say that about Irby. No. Irby Green's a fucking... He's a rapist. No.

Don't say that about Urban. No. Irby? Irby. U-R-B-I-E. Here's a picture of him and jazz man George Morrow playing at the Village Jazz Lounge in Walt Disney World. I take it back. Thank you.

He's in the Alabama Jazz Hall of Fame.'s in the Alabama Jazz Hall of Fame. Oh, the Alabama Jazz Hall of Fame. I mean, that's got to be filled with tens of people. It's known. It's known. You think they ever have like a marching band, but riding on horses? Or would it make the horses go crazy? Probably.

I think the jostling would interfere with the play. Yeah. You couldn't train them. Yeah, because I just think that'd be fun to see a bunch of people like flying down a field. Just boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. I think the horses would like it. I think you'd play a flute on a horse. Okay, you could do it.

I think you gotta hold on to the horse when you're on a horse unless you're all thigh muscle. You strap them in. You strap them on. Well, back in medieval times, you know, as motherfuckers was riding in the battle, they had, you know, these people was on a bugle.

They was on horses. That's arguably a marching band. Yeah, because you could do a bugle with one hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I found a full brass band on a bunch of horses. Oh, all right. So what happened? They're just playing them, hanging out.

Is it Korea? It's England. Good for them. These people are great. I love this. You know, I would love, if I were to play

an instrument on an animal, I got to say horse top four. Horse top four? Which other top? I mean, well, the zebra. Yeah.

Of course. So the mother of horses. Yeah. Antelope. The father of horses. Yeah, yeah. And then, you know, an elephant.

I was going to say, I was going to slap the shit out of you if you didn't say elephant. I'll tell you right now, man. Ain't nothing more regal in this earth than playing some tunes with your boys on the back of an elephant. I haven't felt it before, but please believe I've dreamt it. I would name my elephant Joshua. That's a pretty good elephant name. Thank you.

I'd name my elephant Tiger. People wouldn't know what was coming. Tramples. Yeah, Tramples the elephant. Just to let you know what he's gonna end up doing. I guess we got to go around now. Byron, what's your elephant's name? Elephant.

Gray scrotum. Gray scrotum? Gray scrotum. Big gray. Oh, man. Sounds like if he was a wizard. Yeah. Yeah.

He probably is an elephant wizard. Oh, my God. Oh, fuck, yeah. A fucking wizard elephant. Wizard elephant. Just with a wand and his... Jackie, you're 30 years old. For your 30th birthday, you were gifted an elephant.

What are you naming it? Cheetos. Cheetos. Isn't that so cute? They love Cheetos too. Oh, I'd feed them only Cheetos. Spray paint them orange. Yeah.

The only diabetic elephant in the world. I'd name mine Dick. Okay. Okay. Like Richard or like just Dick. Okay. Dick the Dick. Okay. Oh, okay. Like Richard or like just Dick. Okay. Dick the elephant. Okay.

Man, let's get some fucking elephants. Yeah. All right. Fundraiser this Dream Daddy on Saturday. We're raising money to buy an elephant. We want to buy a round table elephant. Marcus, can it live inside of the studio? A small elephant could.

Okay, we'll get a small one. Yeah, we'll get a small one. It won't get bigger. What if we call it Dy studio? Yeah. A small elephant could. Okay, we'll get a small one. Yeah, we'll get a small one. It won't get bigger. What if we call it Dyke? Sure. I'd like Clowny. That would be fun. Ooh, Clowny.

Mm-hmm. Now I'm just thinking about all these fun elephant times. I ain't going to have. Sad, man. I need to get my ass to fucking India, man.

Fucking Indiana Jones and shit. Fucking get my ass To fucking India man Fucking Indiana Jones And shit Fucking ride About your ass Fucking elephant Look at the clouds And shit They just fucking

Stomping around Trumpeting That's what they call The noise they make Sometimes It's trumpeting That would be awesome Imagine if you had

A built in trumpet On your face How much better Would your life be I mean this fucking Last guy would have been happy as shit. Do you think China's out of elephants? They probably killed them all, right?

They're running low on elephants. Recent statistics. And I can honestly say... Out of the Bureau of Elephants. I can honestly say, from my personal experience, Brooklyn are running low on elephants, too. That's that, you know, gentrification, man. What are you going to do?

What the fuck happened to Brooklyn? New story? Oh, yeah! Louisville Metro Police say a man who was caught committing a sex act and exposing himself in an area park had an unusual excuse for his actions. Police say that man who was caught committing a sex act and exposing himself in an area park had an unusual excuse for his actions. Police say that they were sent to, let's see here, Lannan Memorial Park near the McAlpine Locks and Dam in Louisville, Kentucky.

They were sent to that location after someone reported a man was engaging in a sex act by himself in the bushes. When officers arrived, they saw the suspect, 53-year-old Robert McCoy, and he drove away on a moped. He was later seen driving westbound on a walking trail. According to a woman who was one of the alleged victims, McCoy was following her and others,

watching them playing in the park and making motions consistent with the sex act. When the woman turned to face him, she says McCoy's pants were down and his private area was exposed. When police confronted McCoy about the allegations, he if I rode an elephant.

I believe you. I was just going to say, I didn't listen to a word you said, because I was thinking about what the peanut cost would listen to a word you said because I was thinking about what the peanut cost would be to sustain an elephant in my life. I was thinking about that the whole time. Oh my God. How many do they go through a day?

We can figure this out. We can figure this out. They go through basically Kevin there was an old walrus looking motherfucker jerking off in the bushes of people playing in the park and whenever he got caught

he'd hop on his moped and go find another unsuspecting pair. Yeah, I'd make a movie about that and I'd call it The Friendly Coward. Well, and then when he got caught, he said that he was taking a piss and then he got surprised by a groundhog and that's when his pants fell down.

And that's when everyone said that he... They scared the shit out of me, too. I have to admit that. Groundhog? Yeah. Why? Because they're just weird looking. They're a little low waddling rodent.

It's done natural. They're fun. Oh, no. They ain't fun, man. They bite. They're giant rats. They do fuck your garden up. I know that much.

Yeah. They can pop up anywhere, man. You ain't ready for it. No. You're out there just minding your own business, pissing in the bushes. I wonder how many swimming pools have killed groundhogs. Not enough. They're still around.

No shortage of those fuckers. What's a good way to... What's your fucking problem with groundhogs, man? It's a basic rodent beef. Got no real use for them. What's the best way to kill a groundhog, you think? Baseball bat. Baseball bat.

Say you smoke them out. You smoke out the... Beat it to death. Whack-a-mole. That's what that is. They're not fond of bludgeoning, those things. Rodents. But I think they meet their demise more by bludgeoning than probably any other critter.

Fish! Fish gets the shit kicked out of them. You ever kicked a fish? But I think they meet their demise more by bludgeoning than probably any other critter. Exactly. Fish. Yeah. Fish gets the shit kicked out of them. Yeah. You ever kicked a fish? Oh, yeah. It's fucking crazy. They're hard to punt because they're always moving around.

And once they're dead, it's not fun. The best way to get good contact with a fish is with a tennis racket. Yeah. Yeah. Back when I used to watch all the Dragon Ball Z all the time, I would train in the water so my hands would get faster. You know, I'd punch it in the water and shit. To replicate the high gravity training that they would do, or low gravity, whatever.

Yeah, high gravity. I would wager that ocean water is about 1.4 times gravity if you just talk about punching, right? So I was trying to get my hands fast so that I could slice the fish with my My fucking with my hand like this when I was in the water, and it didn't work I used to it when I would swim in the pool. I'd used to pretend to be Wolverine fucking fight the water Right there with you yeah, man. We just trying to better ourselves Elephants don't like peanuts Elephants don't like peanuts What?

Fuck you Piss on your shit feet Don't make me I'll fucking do it again I've given elephants peanuts They don't particularly like them What do they prefer? They just take them

They eat You know Elephant grass Grass? Yeah Oh that's right They eat trees and shit I've seen them eating awesome grass

Yeah leaves No the reason why They became associatives Because they just got popular At the same time Grass? Yeah. Oh, that's right. They eat trees and shit. I have seen them eating awesome grass. Yeah, leaves. No, the reason why they became associative is because they just got popular at the same time because of the PT Barnum Jumbo the elephant. Peanuts were cheap as shit, so they sold them in tandem, and they got associated. What? Well, fuck that. God damn it. I think they do like them.

Yeah, I would feed them peanuts anyway. I'm glad their fucking Circus burnt down And died Jeez Good guy Wrangling Brothers I really didn't expect

Y'all to react this strongly Yeah I wish that I'm happy About every death In their family I want to go back In time

To me Thinking elephants Like peanuts I refuse To accept What you're thinking elephants like peanuts. I refuse to accept what you just said. Personally. I feel like the article you just found that information on was probably written by 9-11 conspiracy theorists.

It has to be something. Yeah, I really don't believe it. Is that one of those Angel Fire websites? It came from PBS. Oh, shit. They got us on that one then, man. PBS is no joke dude I trust the fuck out of those assholes

I give them money I tell people that I give them money every year I don't know if I trust them still man Their ratings are dwindling They'll say anything to catch some fire They're always struggling PBS catching fire That's funny

Stories from three years ago Three years ago So maybe they like him now. Maybe they turned around on the fucking game. They finally got their shit together. Yeah, I need to update on the article and shit. You're gonna fucking blast me with some fucking bullshit like that. Maybe if we all would've

stopped and took a look in a book, we would've realized, you know. It's Reading Rainbow. Yeah. Is it Reading Rainbow? Yes. Yeah. LeVar Burton catching hell, speaking of. What'd he do? He's been using some of the catch phrases and trying to pitch a new Reading Rainbow show. They're not having it.

Oh, yeah. LeVar Burton's in trouble. Let him say it. I know it. Yeah, let him say it. The one that said it. That's unbelievable. Are you mad? Yeah. PBS is suing LeVar Burton?

Guys, if we keep making Ed mad like this, he's going to get all berserkered out and he's going to fucking break the studio. I'm sweating more than usual. It might be good for me. You're like this. You want a list of mammals that can't jump? Yeah, I would like that. Thank you.

Elephants? Can't jump? All right. Sloths? I don't know if you see that. Hippos? Yeah, I would like that. Thank you. Elephants? Can't jump? Alright. Sloths? No shit. Hippos? White men? What the fuck? Did I just fucking blast your whole bullshit with

the fucking... Take me on the road, Kevin. Why am I fucking in this fucking studio? We could be on the road fucking slaying and crushing vagina. Getting your shit stole. And rhinos. Rhinos? Rhinos can't jump, although they can all have all four feet off the ground while

they're running. Oh, that makes sense. They get fast chargers, man. Do they all have knees? Is that what it is? They got knees. They all got knees? Yeah, they just don't... Yes, they got knees. It's them backwards knees, though, man. You got knees?

Hippos are scary as fuck. Oh, yeah. They're terrifying. They're terrifying. I remember when I was in Africa, we were on the safari, and they're telling us that the words, don't worry about the hippos, they'll only attack if you're between them and their babies

or between them and water. And then, sure as shit, we were between them. And later on, we just heard about hippos killing three people in the park. And then later that day, we were literally between a hippo and its babies and water. And I was fucking terrified. And we were in a traffic jam. And we were just waiting to die. But nothing happened.

They'll fucking go at you for nothing. They're just territorial. Yeah, they're mean sons of bitches. And they're so goddamn cute, though. Exactly. We grew up on a whole campaign of misinformation, man. Every cartoon you watch is goofy-ass hippos, and they fuck people jumping on their backs and shit to diverse rivers.

And you're just like, man, I love a hippo. You didn't know that a hippo don't give a fuck about you, your life, anything. A hippo knows nothing but violence. It wasn't until Congo I knew they hippo. You ain't know that a hippo don't give a fuck about you or your life or anything. A hippo knows nothing but violence. It wasn't until Congo I knew they were dangerous. I always just want to kiss them, you know? Yeah. Right on their big nose. Want to touch their ears.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Play with them. I think I'd play like a clarinet on a fucking hippo. Yeah? Oh, yeah. What's a good hippo? I guess a drum? I guess, but I just feel like a drum's going to rile it.

You know what I'm saying? Well, it's a war hippo. Yeah. That's what I was thinking. Going into battle on the hippo. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want some armor.

Get some bamboo armor on this hippo. You know how fucking scary you would be? You come into battle on a goddamn hippo. Ooh. Do you think if you had a hippo from birth that would love you? No. I don't think so. I don't think any normal man

can pilot a hippo. You'd have to be at least Uruk-hai from Lord of the Rings. One of them could do it. Not us. No one's been able to do a battle hippo. No battle hippos? No battle hippos.

I actually find that hard to believe.ppos unbelievable the Americans how do we militarize this fucking beautiful animal unbelievable Ed Larson 2017 don't vote for him like piss all over your fucking bullshit piss all over your bullshit yep what are you gonna do buddy Okay What's going on here Alright I was gonna do Well I like all this animal talk I don't know I don't know

You know But I don't wanna wear that out I was gonna do like If you were to Mug Kevin How would you do it Oh If you were to trick

If you were to steal Kevin's wallet And phone He's a little He's been drinking Alright He was fucking thirsty It's his birthday.

And you were gonna do some shit. What I would do oddly horny. I would cut to the chase and just straight up dress like a pair of breasts. Just straight up tits. Just tits. Cause that's what all he's you know what I'm saying. His fucking horny addled. Side by side or one on top of the other. One on top of the

other actually. Switch it up. Switch it up so I can be different from all the other fucking sloogies at the club. I am a fan of novelty. Yeah. That's right. And I just go just... And I just put them into days

like in Street Fighter when you fucking hit Ken enough times. Little stars go up. I just steal his shit. Cool. Boom! Sweat rags in the air! Hit Ken enough times Little stars go up I'd just steal his shit Cool Boom Woo Sweat rags in the air From the window To the wall

Thank you How does Kevin How are you How are you gonna Get yourself How would I get myself Yeah

How are you gonna Steal your own Wallet and phone Well I would prepare myself A very nice meal several courses i'd even have a cake a little bit of ice cream and i'd sit there and i look at myself and i look at you you know what i don't feel like stealing your shit anymore and then i would leave oh that's nice that's nice

too bad that's not how the world works. Yeah, that's nice. Never how the world works. I would hire two women to dress scantily. Tell him how cool and handsome he is. Have them watch closely as he punches in his security code. Eventually just take all his shit. I'd take 30, I think off the top. I'll tell you right now, man, from my personal experience,

what you just said works. Jackie Zabrowski, you are past 30 now. What'd you just get? What was that? Sorry. Ooh, what's his name? No, nothing. No, I accidentally declined a call from someone that I shouldn't have declined. Ooh!

Anyway. What a shit move. Um, I would make, I think that Kevin would train for a really long time, and he's going to think he's Batman. And he's going to dress like Batman all the time. But I'm going to convince him to do this. And he's going to dress like Batman all the time. But I'm going to convince him to do this. I was like, no, that's a really good idea.

But eventually I will, which I'm already close to being there, look like Danny DeVito as the penguin. And I'm going to come with all my fucking umbrellas. I'm going to fucking confuse your fucking shit. And I'm going to spin them at you. And then you're not fucking Batman. I'm going to fucking take all your shit. And I'm going to go into your fucking house and steal all your fucking cool inventions.

Do you mind if I hang out in the corner of the room dressed like Harley Quinn trying to suck my own dick just to fucking add some more flair? Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me? I'd tell Kevin,

you got to remember your youth. You got to remember, you know, where you used to be, you know, enjoying life, you know. So we're going to get you, we'll get you back in the clothes you used to wear, some baggy Jankos or something. Jankos.

Yeah, we'll get you in the... And then I'll be like, Kevin, man, you could do it. You could do the backflip again. You could do the backflip again. And then you're going to go do the backflip, but you're not going to be able to do it, and you're going to fall on your head, and I'm just going to take your shit.

I'm going to get a kill-up. I ain't going to kill him. You don't have to kill him. You just kill him. It's like the Trombone story. Just say, I'll kill Kevin. I'll take his shit. No, I just take it. It may fall.

But if you do the backflip correctly, maybe the stuff will just fall out of those pockets. Anyway, you know, so you won't even know what happened. That's true. You'll see it flying and I'll be working with a groundhog so we grab it and bring it onto the ground

and take it to somewhere else, so then I'll let it live. There you go. And then I'll say that, and then I'll let Byron hit it with a bat. So, Marcus, who gets to steal Kevin's money? Let Kevin keep his money. Give yourself a nice dinner. Oh, wow. Thank you, man.

Wonderful. In fact, that is your prize. You go home tonight, you cook yourself a nice dinner. You have to do it now. Yeah, I'm going to. What do you like to cook? I cook a lot of spaghettis. Oh, man, I got a mean meat sauce recipe, dude.

Oh, shit. Yeah, dude, we'll talk after. All right. Should that be the whole thing, we plug stuff yeah i just say get out there do research on wildlife and shit get on wikipedia fucking learn more about it elephants everything man it's all online man just take a look in a fucking web page you know or yeah or you could just go grab an old encyclopedia. You know, those big, long people. Man, that's an industry that went under, huh? Door-to-door encyclopedia salesmen?

Yeah, they got fucking heavy-ass books driving them from town to town, you poor bastards. Sweating balls. Fucking idiots. Children just being like, hey, mister, I got a funny fucking joke to tell you. They're just pissing right in their fucking... I wonder if none of them ever tried to murder Mr. Wikipedia I don't know

I know one of them got murdered by the shoe fetish slayer Jerry Brudos this week on Last Podcast of the Left nice plug done

and play Jackie Jackie Zebrowski fucking Dream Daddies Jack and his dating sims Dream Daddies check it out wah wah wah wah wah Holdenator's hoe

On Twitch And you can always watch Old episodes of The Carmichael show Yes Even though it'll never come back Ever again Ever ever ever again

And Kevin Loss is gone forever If it gets syndicated Or whatever You might get another check Like fucking Eight years from now Or something I don't think it's gonna happen

Did you make it to A hundred episodes Definitely not So it's gone. It's gone. It's done. But, you know, we got stuff on Netflix. You know, that's cool.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God.