The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 34: Dancing Skeletons

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

hey made it ! Well, I suppose I could say we made it. Murderfist, of which three members of the Round Table are in the group, did a 12 hour sketch marathon on Saturday. To match it, me and Ben did a 12 hour drinking marathon. Tune in to hear the day-after fallout. Plus, we’ve got number 1 fan and Ben’s college friend Dave Koehler in the studio! Ben once threw him through a window!

That's a good one. I'm loving it. That should be our catchphrase. I'm loving it. That's McDonald's catchphrase. Oh, they're good. All right. Dear Lord Beelzebub,

thank you for all of my friends still being hairy and overweight, even though they put on a 12-hour comedy show yesterday. That would be Murder Fist that did that. Thank you for not having them die. And I appreciate Edward's balls. Eddie, I don't think people tell you that enough.

Your testicles are a perfect size. Perfect to suckle. Perfect to fuckle. So I want to thank you, Lord, for creating those beautiful beanbags that simply house one of the finest cocks I've ever seen. They are really beautiful. Thank you, God.

Me too. An addendum. What do you think, Cole? Do you want to thank the Lord? I just want to say I'm sorry to God. Okay, we're going to move. My balls. Oh.

You know, he gave them to me, and I just pulled way too hard too much. You have big, long balls now. I got the long balls. Well, it's not the balls, it's just long sack. The balls stay up there because they got nowhere to, you know, prop, they don't go down. That's great. So it's just flappy said. It's like an elephant's ear.

That's great. Well, thank you, Lord, for holding weird elephant ear balls as well. In your name we pray. Amen. Hallelujah. Amen, Hallelujah. Amen. Amen. Welcome to the best freaking podcast around, the Roundtable of Gentlemen. It is a real hoot and a holler to be here. Who is everybody? Jackie Zabrowski. What's up? I'm loving it. That's McDonald's.

You prick. Can we just take the McDonald's thing? I like it. I really like it. Oh, I like that really in there. Yeah. You're welcome. She's smart. Ed Larson. Holder McNeely, Burger King.

And we'll have Michael Che joining us in a minute. He's running a little bit late because of the 7 train. He'll be replacing Kevin Barnett. Because we always replace people with people that look similar to the person that we're being replaced. Black on black. Black on black. When Eddie's gone, we just have a large lizard with a big beard replace him.

When Holden's gone, we just have a lump of potatoes. Just a whole bag of potatoes. That's a bunch of potatoes. Just a whole bag of potatoes. The most annoying lumpy potatoes. This little bag of potatoes. The most annoying, lumpy potatoes. Give me that pussy. He does so much better than me, by the way. I notice our numbers are so much higher.

We have those fucking silly potatoes on. Yeah, Mark Potato Bag Sanderson. He's got to come back soon. I'm Ben Kissel. We're in the Chuggle Hut. I'm going to say the Roundtable's number one fan. Hell yeah. Also, the number one graphic designer in the world.

Great friend of mine. I've known him for ten years. Mr. David Kaler. Thanks for being here, Dave. Dave. tibble's number one fan hell yeah also uh the number one graphic designer in the world a great friend of mine known him for 10 years mr david kaler thanks for being here dave thank you guys you're lovely hell yeah all right all right very nice very polite and with us as always marcus parks the news fella how you doing parks oh extremely hungover that's good yeah and so marcus uh is very hungover Because yesterday the biggest and greatest sketch group In New York City did a 12 hour comedy show And were fortunate enough To do a podcast

I am fortunate enough to do a podcast With three of the members every single week So you guys did this 12 hour comedy show at the pit Two to two, although I think it actually went to three Oh yeah, it went to three And then with the daylight savings time I think it actually went to four, technically It was so three so it went real late and then with the daylight savings time i think it actually went to four technically it was so funny jeff lapine the creative director of the pit he was just like yeah uh the bars like we have to get everyone

out of here the bar's closing in 10 minutes and the whole place is just filled with shit that was like so much blood oh yeah slipping all over the stage milk and blood and you know i got all the guns back at home. I put all the guns and all the dildos on my coffee table. Next to the stage, we just had a box of guns and a box of blood packets. I actually took a tally.

Out of everything, murder and or death and no shirts. Yeah. By far top two. Why rain on the clothes?

They were literally naked by the end. Henry did three sketches without pants because he couldn't find his pants. Seriously, somebody wear my pants. Someone took my pants. Anyone would do that. I assure you, Henry, nobody wants you to go without pants.

No one wants you to have pants on more than everybody else. No one wants those pants. Those pants are fucking noble. Those pants are horrible. They're like a 5812. I don't even understand how they're made by his pants. They're made for, like, the fattest little children. Pulling his juices from doing fucking a show for,

that was probably around the the sixth hour mark. Oh, my goodness. Christ. So, Marcus, you took a tally of all the things, and Bear Chest clearly won. How many incidents of Bear Chest were there in a 12-hour show? I haven't completely... How much was in the first hour? Marcus' numbers aren't 100% accurate.

He started drinking at 1 p.m. I did start drinking at 1pm. I did start drinking at 1pm. I think my favorite line... You got an Asian girl's phone number. I did! So that's a license for your kid. Is it legible? Yes!

No, I put it in my phone. Marcus is showing me. He's like, oh, this is my book of tallies. And it's just like half the pages are just scribble. It's just straight scribble. There aren't words at all. Oh's like, oh, this is my book of tallies. And it's just like half the pages are just scribble. It's just straight scribble. There aren't words at all. Oh, Eddie, I love this. I feel like I'm on a date with Gianna Michaels right after she filmed like 10 hours of deep throat in porn.

I fucking throat the shit out of any of you cocksuckers. Hell yeah. What a day. So we're figuring, I would say there had to be at least in a 12. I saw Eddie's breasts. I could have come 18, if Eddie was a large woman with huge bosoms, I couldn't come for a year, because that's how much I would have come yesterday

his tits were just all over the stage, beautiful thing I refuse to put a shirt on for most of the show, yeah, anytime I didn't need a shirt, I wouldn't, I mean I just started making choices last minute, I'm like no shirt for this one. Can't do it. Covered in blood.

I don't have any clothes. I've got to go to work tomorrow. I don't have any clothes. I remember one time in Tallahassee, I did the no shirt show just for me. I just didn't wear a shirt the whole show for all my characters, no matter what situation they were in. You're a businessman or a lawyer.

I was thinking about this last night because, I mean, after a while, I felt like I was tripping. We did that one show where we were tripping on mushrooms.

I remember you told me after a show with Tallahassee, I was like, wow, that was a crazy show, right? You were like, yeah, I was tripping on mushrooms the whole show. I was like, what?

We did, I think that was when we did Christmas Now, the apocalypse. Wasn't that the one? No, no, no. That was, it was Shoelace.

It was that one. Shoelace. Which, yeah. No one knows what we're talking about. That's the thing about Eddie. Eddie, you have one of those bodies, very Charlie Sheen-esque. Drugs somehow help you. I went up to Eddie one time.

I said, dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? You're out of your mind right now. He's like, I know. I'm totally sober. It's like, Eddie has to be on some sort of drugs for him just to appear like he's not going to eat your face off like that monkey in Connecticut a couple years ago tore that woman's head off

I love that fucking monkey remember that interview? holy bejees that interview with Oprah that woman definitely needs to convert to Islam because the burqa will look good on her face. What do you say, Dave? Bullet in your brain? Your face is that mangled and fucked and horrifying? You remember the

story that we were talking about? I remember that Oprah interview. It was terrible. Oh my god. Do you blow your brains out? I would seriously consider it every single day. I don't even think you have to blow your brain. Definitely daily consider it. I feel like her face was so weird, though, she could just put her hand in her eye socket

and just kind of scoop it out a little bit. Would you do that? I guess so? I mean, are you interested to see what's in you? What is in me is, you know, I feel like what's in me could only be described as something that makes me drink all the time. And I don't know what that is. Addiction? Need of love?

Need of support? Evil tar, I imagine. Evil tar. It's the slime in the Ghostbusters 2. Exactly. That's all you have. Michael Che has entered the room.

How you doing, baby? What's going on? We just started. I gotta move. Holy Lord. Alright, Che. How you doing, baby? What's going on? We just started. I got to move. Holy Lord. All right. Hold on. I got to stand up. You're huge, bro.

Oh, man. Okay, Michael. Come on in here. There we go. Hey, little buddy. Oh, yeah. Talking about what's inside Ben. Holy shit.

Sorry. You're fine. You're fine. Welcome, Michael Che. So, Che, how you doing, buddy? We're talking about the Murder Fist 12-hour show, and we're discussing how I am addicted to things and how Eddie can take a whole series of drugs and that makes him normal.

That's currently where we're at. This is also good so that the people who nodded off by this point, we can give them a quick little recap. That's right. There it is. Yeah, so as we were saying, the 12-hour show. So you guys were, how did you feel, what was the hardest hour? The first four hours, the middle four hours, the other middle four hours, or the last four hours?

You know what, man? It was all kind of the same. I'll tell you, the first two were the first time I've been on stage sober. Oh, yeah. Really? Lord knows, since I was on probation. That was the hardest part, I feel like, really, because we were stone cold sober. So when did you guys, what was your strategy for that then?

So like you said, after hour two, we can start drinking. No, it was more like hour six. I started drinking after hour two, though. Yeah, it was a personal decision. Like, I was like, you know, I tried to hold off as long as possible because I'm just like, we got a long night. But I mean, I was like, just one beer. And honestly, it's like there was so much going on that I would sweat it right out of you.

I would be and I would be nursing a beer for fucking ever, you know, because it's just like I'd have a couple of sips and it's back on stage. Yeah, exactly. So it really didn't affect things too much. I was drunk by the end, though. Oh, Lord. Yeah. Oh, my God.

So drunk. I was talking about how I because I ate uh for the first time since college also i ate an adderall just to like keep my brain in the game at what point in the show did you eat an adderall uh probably i think i did it like hour nine or hour eight something wow you've been waiting to yeah no i waited because i didn't i was so worried about uh coming down before the show was over yeah yeah and so i like, I'd rather be up late than crash on stage. And so I had one of those

and I just kept drinking, but my brain was working fine, but my hands I couldn't grab things. That's the thing. Jesus Christ, really? When you're on Adderall, you're just like the world's worst puppet maker. You're constantly just like fidgety with shit.

And when you look down after eight hours you're like i have created scratches on the door that's about all i've done is there a point like in that long block is there a point where you're thinking like wow maybe we should have made this a six hour marathon as opposed to 12 honestly like getting around around like the i'd say like seven hour on, we found shit. There was an energy going on. I guess it was just like this show's, essentially the mindset's like this show's never going to end. Normally it's like you get up however many times a night. That's the time that the rest of your night is depending on.

It's like that half an hour that you get up, that affects the rest of your night. But when you are doing it for fucking 12 hours it's like you're just always in the show and nothing matters anymore and then and that and then i mean i guess it could go two ways but for us everyone just started doing the best work they've ever done everyone was amazing it was fucking crazy awesome too the audience was fucking amazing best audiences you've ever seen that audience had so much respect. That audience had so much respect for what was going on. They really took everything into context. And I thought, I mean, at the end, the standing ovation, the big murder fist chant.

I mean, I think people really understood they were watching something amazing. That was awesome. They were incredible. That was fucking cool shit. And the audience, I mean, I feel like on average, people were there for like four hours at a time. Oh, yeah. It was wild. And I mean, Marcus and I, we sat on our fat asses the entire fucking show just getting drunk.

Which, by the way, where's our accolades? Yeah. We did the fucking, we are the heroes, Marcus. We drank for 12 straight hours. And hard drinking. I mean, whiskey. Whiskey, booze, kiddie magazines. Everything.

No cocaine. I kept a tally also of all the beers that I drank. I stopped at like 14. i couldn't i couldn't write okay look at this there is black in my mind the beginning of the show and by the end it just turns into the most worst anal poetry in the world it means it means it got I just got so dirty. I don't know why. I know why. Because we're doing this filthy fucking show. That's the thing.

It's not only a 12-hour show, but it's murder fest. Yeah. So it's just cocks and guns and... Look at that. I wrote down death and then drew a little skull. A little skull. A little skull for you, Marcus. Skull and crossbones.

I... I feel like you're a retard who just graduated high school. Good, you did it. You graduated. Some ticket notes. A Moe Cheese notebook in Apocalypse Now when he's fucking writing poetry. See, dude, that's the thing is that I also was tweeting the whole time, and I look back, Mike Lawrence said that my tweets at the end of the day

looked like a book report over the Necronomicon. It was just fucking absolutely nuts. It was one of the craziest fucking days I've had in I don't know how long. Yeah, we just drank so much. Do you have a bruised ass? No, because I was just sitting on the stools

for ten hours. I occasionally just fist myself after eight beers. Of course, yeah. You always do that drunk fist. I'm sitting right up, yeah. It's an old Kissel Kalanick. I got to cut it out. Some people drunk text.

You drunk fist. I just get it in there. Hell yeah, man. Those city men. There's already no small hands either, man. There's some big paws you got there. I know. But it's a big asshole as well.

It's a huge asshole, so it all fits to form. That must be some pro-l balls you got there. I know. But it's a big asshole as well. It's a huge asshole so it all fits to form. There must be some pro-laps you got going on. It's unreal. I'll tell ya. That's how I feel. You can fucking sit on a two liter bottle. Oh, you're the video I saw on the internet.

Yeah, my video is currently streaming on xxxstache.com No, it's good to fit a two liter bottle of Coca-Cola Yeah, my video is currently streaming on xxxstache.com. No, it's good to fit a two-liter bottle of Coca-Cola in your anus just in case you're shopping, your hands are all full. Next thing you know, it's like that free soda. Free soda. I guarantee you, if you are going to steal, stick anything up your asshole and no one's going to— It's yours. You get it. If I owned a spot like that sold goods

you know for purchase I would do that I would have a sign up that's like if you can get it in your ass if you can fit it

you get it if you can fit it but you have to walk out with it in your ass in your ass you gotta get outside the doors with this fucking

Snickers bar in your ass we gotta watch you do it and then people just walk into that place and vomit all over the place. You see all these people just shoving shit up their assholes? That's an awful place to go.

I mean, they just got the best fresh poultry. I gotta go. Just people jamming raw chicken breast up their asshole. Oh, man, the worst would be the people that couldn't fit it all the way in, so you're just going to leave it there? Yeah. You got a little turtle had chicken out. No, actually, The worst would be the people that couldn't fit it all the way in, so you're just going to leave it there? Yeah. You got a little turtle head chicken out. No, actually, it's a chicken cutlet. It's actually a chicken cutlet stick it in.

Hopefully it's boneless, man. I mean, that's the thing. Twelve hours drinking with Parks, and Parks made a bad decision. We went on beer together, which means, of course, I drank all of it. Yeah, most of it. Marcus got very upset with me throughout the day I believe you still owe me like 20 bucks

I spent $40 on that last ride I bought 4 6 packs 16 ounces of Coors Lights but I did not drink most of that and you drank most of the shit that I bought buddy we're friends I mean if you don't want to hang,

we don't have to hang out. Everybody knows when you drink with the kids, it's sort of a competition. You've got to get to it first. You ever see those pornos with the girl that has the double-sided dildo? I love those. One girl that hogs up most of the double-sided dildo.

Bitch. Yeah, you're the girl that hogs up the double-sided dildo. I get all that shit. I mean, of course I do. No, Marcus and I resigned ourselves to the fact that we were just going to be there all day. Very similar to how prisoners are just like, I'm going to be here for ten years. I'm just going to pretend like there is no outside world. And the smell.

Can you comment on the smell? Because I was in it the whole time. I felt like I was walking into my ass. I was just like, I would go outside, like I was walking into my ass. I was just... It was like... I would go outside, like, have a cigarette, just, like, get some fresh air, not realizing I was in the depths of a fucking napalm explosion.

And then I would go back, and it was a fucking wall of just 12 hours worth of stinky-ass farts. Fucking hair. For some reason, Eddie, his hair smelled. It smelled like Eddie's hair. I didn't even know that that had a thing. Ed has a very specific smell.

I feel like I can go anywhere and I know that Ed was in the room. Right. He always looks like... It's meat-like. It's more bologna-y. An all-sausage diet? Yeah, I don't know, man. I eat lots of meats.

It's beautiful bologna, but I feel like it's the bologna with the little olives in it. Oh, pimento loaves. Pimento loaves. So it's like olives and corned ham. Yeah. That's a good loaf. That's a good loaf to be. So, yeah, that show, unfucking real.

Now, of course, Dave, speaking of drinking, you're quite the heavy alcoholic as well. Yes, yes. We went to school at Menominee Stout, and we drank tons of fucking booze over there. A whole series of things. It's in Wisconsin. Yeah, would you say that, what do you say, let's see, do you have a drinking experience as of recently? You've broken all of your teeth. Wait, you threw them through a window.

I threw you through a window. You threw me through a window. How was that experience for you? I want your side of it. Tell your side of it. Get on Jackie's mic. Yeah, I was about to say, you want to come over here? Yeah, come over on Jackie's mic. Yeah, I was about to say, you want to come over here? Yeah, come over on Jackie's mic.

The guy whose window that was came over to my house the next day and demanded 40 bucks from me. Your head broke the window! I didn't fucking... I sent him over to your house after that. He was one of these punk kids, but of course they weren't. They're all conservative Christians today, I would assume. Or dead. They were nice. They were nice kids.

There's so many drinking stories. I can't even... I was telling the story about when I peed on the DJ booth. That was fantastic. I was walking down the street and Benny's talking to two cops. I was at another bar. And I go, what happened? He's like, well,

I went up and peed on this DJ booth, and I decided to walk out the door still peeing. And there's two... That is exactly how he told it. And then there's two cops, of course, standing right outside, like, looking at him, like, what are you doing? You making pee-pee? Making pee-pee?

That's what the cop said to me in New York City. Making pee-pee? There's a new guy, yeah, yeah. so that's what the cop said to me in new york city one time after ben had left and gone to a much better school he came back and wanted to show that by uh dropping his pants and sticking his ass cheeks directly against a uh uw stout sign and taking a shit right on it i dumped on it yeah that was kind of funny but like but like ass press to it. Yeah, that's how you shit on a sign that's vertical. It was a wall. There wasn't even anybody around.

It was just me and him walking home. He goes, hey Dave, watch this. That's the thing. I mean, I'll drink all the beer, but I'll shit on a sign. I'm so scared about the future of our friendship. What's going to happen? If you did that to me, I would scream and run away.

It was different, man. Well, what was the point? You really had to shit, or you just really had to shit on that? It was just a big fuck you to UW-Stout at that point. It was a very immature thing to do, believe it or not. Wait, if you press your ass up against the sign, though, does it, like, splatter out? Like, does it get all over

you? Yeah. No, it kind of made, like, a little face. It was a little poop face. It kind of looked... We have pictures where they hold up to see if you're crazy, right? Yeah. The Rorschach things. Yeah, exactly. It was much...

Yeah, it kind of looked like Holden's character in Ass Face. That's what it made. God, so... I love that character so much. Yeah. Oh, yeah. How was it getting that pump to work? I'll tell you what.

Yeah, we didn't know it was going to work. We had other plans. Where did the sketch go? A man, there's two girls at a kissing booth, Jackie and Carly, and they're like, they talk like Jackie. We talk like that. And they're very bitchy, and they talk, they say terrible things. And then I come in, I've got an ass for a face, and I'm in a suit.

And then I pay for a kiss, saying that I will turn into a prince if they kiss me. And then I shit on Carly's mouth. And then I don't turn into a prince, and I say, fuck you, and run away. I would say one of the best reactions of the night, when you squeeze that shit out of your fucking face. I know, we didn't know it was going to work. And, you know, and yeah, and yeah man she yeah she you said she ate some of it carly yeah i can't see anything you know when he kissed carly she swallowed the shit or she did natural reaction of course i mean i never realized that what's funny is like i don't

i can only base on whether the pump is working or not on the reaction sounds. So I have to keep pushing and squeezing on the pump until I hear, like, from the fucking ground. Man, the crowd was crazy, too. They're like, no, no, no! Oh, no, not the shit! It's so obvious what's gonna happen. What do they think? I'm gonna fucking, you know, what's gonna come out

of that? Like, confetti? They expect us to have a pump through an ass mask that's gonna shit out of its mouth. I'm know that audience expect us to have a pump through an ass mask that's gonna shit out of its mouth i'm gonna go as far to say i didn't i don't think they expected you to have a sketch called ass face where somebody comes out with an ass for a face nobody went in there and be like i bet you they're gonna do that typical ass face they all everyone's doing that ass face piece jer Ed's jerking off the two-sided dildo and the fucking father and his son walked in. That was amazing.

Oh, my God. I don't even know about this till today. He was beating himself off and choking himself. Oh, this was like hour one. This is like the sixth sketch, something like that. Setting the tone. Yeah, setting the tone. Me and Ben are setting off to the side.

We're at the merch booth. Slinging tees. Slinging tees. Yeah, guys. They sold Murderfist t-shirts, and that was really great of you. Yeah. No, don't wave it off. You're fucking welcome, Jackie.

We did. We sold the fuck out of Murderfist. God forbid we say thank you for something. You still have to fuck out of the record. God forbid we say thank you for something. And this man and his son come in, and they sit down, and Eddie's jerking off and choking himself with a belt.

Jerking off this gigantic dildo. 24-inch dildo. Oh, my God, the biggest. It's the biggest dildo I've ever fucking seen in my life. And I've seen a lot of dildos. I used to work at a sex shop. This was a long time ago. Sure. Like five years ago.

But anyways. And the dad and the son sit down. The dad is lapping his ass off, and the son looks so terrified. The child was so fucking terrified. Oh, God. It was very ironic, because the sketch after that is a beautiful piece where Henry's on death row. He comes to visit. His son comes to visit him.

And they go through, like, what you go through in life. Like, you know, I hate your father. That whole whatever. And the child, he literally did that exact age progression that Jared did in that sketch. Like, the boy became a man while he watched you jack off that fucking huge rubber double dog it was insane i've never seen a boy like more scared of the fact that he loved what he was watching i don't even think that he realized it so yeah the father was laughing loving every second how old was the kid maybe like 11 like old enough to be like i don't think i should watch this with my dad yeah but young enough to be like, I don't think I should watch this with my dad.

But young enough to be like, I'm so happy my dad's here to protect me from this monster. It was unreal. And so the father was just laughing his ass off the entire time and then looking over to his son and he was just being like, are you okay? You okay? And then at one point the kid was just like, nah,

no, I am not okay. And then they had to leave. Which is too bad, because I really wanted them to see that sketch with Henry and Jared, because that was such a beautiful thing. I think they stayed for what? I think they stayed for two sketches. No, they left right after the Jackoff thing. That's the only thing they saw.

They saw one more. They did see an earlier piece. I think, yeah, one more before that. Well, 11 years old, how old do you usually start to masturbate They did see an earlier piece. I think, yeah, one more before that. Okay, good. How old do you usually start to masturbate? Like 13. Well, that's not 12. I mean, the problem, I bet you that the kid has done that before.

And it was just very awkward for him to see that. I mean, I was a late starter on it. He was anywhere from like 11 to 13. Uh-huh. He could have been 13, but like you say, yeah, still not... I thought guys started jacking off when they were like 8. No!

Never with the belt. When did you start jerking off with the belt, Mike? You do that? 22, that's when you start with the belt. That was a late bloom. I'm like, hold on. Dave, you have a huge cock. When did you start stroking that monster of a wand?

Well, I don't... There's like the... When you start, like, that's maybe at a younger age, but nothing happens until years later. Like, you realize it's there. Yeah, it just makes a little, like, poo sound. Like, and you're done. Dust comes out of the end.

I remember Days of Our Lives rer Dust comes out of the end. I remember Days of Our Lives rerun at three in the morning. One of the girls on there was so hot. That was my first time. Whoa, really? So you enjoy drama. Well, there you go. First girl I ever jerked off to was the naked pictures of

Vanna White in Playboy. I didn't know she ever posed nude. Yeah, she looks great. She looks amazing. Oh my lord, go Google Vanna White Playboy. It is spectacular. She's still a fucking fox. Her name is Daisy Fuentes.

Daisy? Yeah. Three years ago. I love that. I think it might have been Ronda from Up All Night. Yeah. Three years ago. Yeah, three years ago. I love that. I really can't even... I think it might have been Rhonda from Up All Night. Yeah? Up All Night.

Maybe that. Or who was Jim Carrey once bitten? Oh, yeah. It was always on that. Oh, yeah. And he used a jacket to that vampire chick. I beat it off to that chick, too, man. What was her name?

She was a famous actress. I forget. Fucking awesome tits. Perfect. Yeah. Those vampire was a famous actress. I forget. Fucking awesome tits. Perfect. Yeah. Those vampire titties. Man, my first one, I feel like it explains a lot. I remember because I used it over and over again. It was the astronaut's wife

in the museum where he's already an alien. He's like raping her up against the wall. So you... Okay. It wasn't a rape. It was his wife. So you... Okay. All right. It wasn't a rape. It was his wife. It was his wife. It all makes sense.

It was his wife. It's all fucking coming together. All coming together. It was his wife. It was his wife. That doesn't mean anything. It makes it more horrible. He broke the most amazing trust

a person can have. He raped his own wife. He was an alien. It's fine. Oh, the one spitting chick is Lauren Hutton. Lauren Hutton. Marry her? Who's that? Jim Carrey?

Didn't he marry her? No, no. He married the gal from Dumb and Dumber. It was a Lauren. Mary Swanson? Dude, she's so hot. She's so hot. You know what? That fucking tushy she had when he lifts up her skirt. The only reason why I watched

Picket Fences. Picket Fences? She was on that and she was a hottie. tushy she had when he lifts up her skirt. The only reason why I watched her, picket fences. Picket fences. She was on that and she was a hottie. I actually started to jack into that scene in Dumb and Dumber. I thought they were actually going to do the pan down to her tits but when they just show headlights, still came. I still came.

I loved it. I enjoyed every second of it. We should do one news story at the very least. I want to hear the thing about that dentist. I love this dentist story. Okay. A rude, racist, and flatulent British dentist has had his license yanked. Farts?

Here's what he does. Here's what he does. Colleagues testify that the dentist swore delighted in belching and breaking wind in front of colleagues and patients. Oh, what a happy man. What a happy man. Oh, Tim Dean the dentist. And he made disparaging comments about patients from ethnic minorities, elderly patients, disabled patients, and unemployed patients. Wow.

So he's like a blast to be around. I know. Yeah. It's like, I just want to... But they don't mention if he was a good dentist or not. They don't. Not at all. I don't care what my dentist is doing. If I wake up and I have beautiful squeaky whites, I'll be the happiest little goose in the farm.

You know, I don't need... I don't care if he's tooting it up. They should be under that Novocaine and stuff Anyway, right? I guess that doesn't affect the sensors With the nose See, I feel like that would be pretty great, though If he puts somebody under, like, an old woman And he's like, oh, you're so fucking old

I'm gonna take you out back You know, while she's under Novocaine Yeah I think that's fine I mean, that's your fantasy, you love this dentist No, no, no, I mean, he doesn't do anything to her. He just, like, talks at her, like, real close to her face because she can't do anything about it. Yeah.

I mean. Right. If you're sitting there in the dentist chair and you got all this shit in your mouth, like, you just have. I can imagine the guy just looking at the patient and just smiling at him just a little bit. And then just letting loose the biggest part. Just like a real slow one. They got to tell you that just a real long, stinky one. He's got to be kind of miserable.

I mean, he's fucking fixing teeth in England. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Yeah. That man has some. Yeah. I never even thought about that. Oh, you are.

British dentist. God knows. That's a good business. Gross ass job. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I really, I just, I just don't know if that's a fireable offense. I'm pretty sure it's not.

He got his license taken away. Yeah, you would think the license has nothing to do with the toot factor. Isn't it how you do the teeth? Yeah. I think that maybe, I feel like that was just like an added point. I imagine more the racist against like, and not only racist, but against old people and unemployed people and disabled and disabled people yeah but doesn't it i feel like that almost makes him a better person

than someone who's just like a selective racist this dude just hated everybody yeah so he's kind of he's just an asshole he's just a normal asshole you know this is a bit of a side note but i just the thought just occurred to me foot doctor like who decides to go into feet? Oh, yeah. That's, like, insane to me. I want to get a foot doctor on this show. Calling all foot. If you work in feet, I want to get to the bottom of this. Why?

Why feet? I thought they make great money. Do you think foot doctors make plenty of money? Yeah, I'm sure they do. Yeah, whatever. So, you know, so to fucking, I don't know. Oh, man. Work with anything. The hands. I don't care what. Yeah, I guess it's... get it. Yeah, whatever. So, you know, so to fucking, I don't know. Oh, man. Work with anything. The hands.

I don't care what. Yeah, I guess it's... There isn't a hand doctor. Why is there not a hand doctor? I think there's a hand... I think that's just a doctor. That's just a doctor? Yeah, just doctors do hands.

Why is feet specific and there's no hand? Dude, my mom used to work with someone who did deal with feet back in New Jersey. Ah, just mangled gross feet. Listen to this. Listen to this. I got the grossest story. This is New Jersey. Ah, just mangled, gross feet. Listen to this. I got the grossest story. This is so good. Oh, man.

My side note would lead to... So they had this guy come in, and he needed therapy on his foot because his foot is small. He was very depressed. The foot just lost its job. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking shoes didn't fit anymore. You just see the foot on the table.

He's like, no, no, my brain is fine. It's just my left foot. It's super depressed. I don't know what to do about it. It won't get out of bed in the morning. I'm trying to drag the bed with me. It won't clean itself anymore. He's got a club foot.

Just smoking cigarettes between the toes. So this guy comes in and his foot's like three to four times as big as it should be. It's just a huge left foot. So they have no idea what's going on with this guy. So they put him in the whirlpool

and he's in the whirlpool and a piece of skin flakes off or a band-aid flakes off or something and then the entire whirlpool gets filled with roaches and bugs. What? Yeah. Roaches and bugs were in his foot?

Were living inside of his leg and foot. No way. And it just got filled into the whirlpool and it just swirled around. He's the boogeyman. My mom said she puked and shit. Holy lord! I've never heard of such a thing!

Yeah, man. Sounds like an urban legend. Oh, man, because he was living in such filth in Scholar and he had so many wounds on himself and he never, like, took care of himself. He just burrowed into it. Yeah, and they just burrowed into there and, like, laid eggs and it and they just burrowed into there and like laid eggs and shit and like made his body their home oh my it's it's like the nightmare

before christmas yeah when the boogeyman gets unzipped and it's just nothing it's a bunch of oh yeah wow yeah my disgusting that's fucking off My grandmother had like, they were like, she was having foot problems. They were like, checking it out. She had like an entire nail like in her foot, like in her ankle, like foot.

She had no idea? Had no idea. God, Like how the fuck does that happen? Like a toenail or like a real nail? A nail.

Like a hammer nail? Yeah. It just somehow got like slowly working. I don't know how the fuck it happened. Don't you notice it? Before it's embedded into your body, you would think you would see somehow got slowly working. I don't know how the fuck it happened. Don't you notice it? Before it's embedded into your body, you would think you would see it slowly entering you.

It was different times back then. You felt pain all over your body all the time. That's true. Just get hammered, wake up, your foot hurts. Literally get hammered. Next thing you know, you have a nail inside of your leg. A man hammers you with a nail. Hammers a nail into you.

Right. Yeah, exactly. I don't think you understand the definition of partying, Edith. You're not supposed to actually have a nail hammered into you. Yeah, goats used to fly. They had wings. Beautiful. Dave, we were talking about dentists and medicine here.

You have knocked out your teeth three times, right? Three times. All of your teeth? Go through that experience. I was with him twice well i mean the first time it was uh we went to the bar and the log jam which is a very gay side we were like we were like well underage we were like 19 or something they used to just let us in there and i was uh while we were inside it was wisconsin there was a rainstorm that froze

on the street so it was like a ice skating rink, like everywhere, the sidewalk, everything. Very dangerous. And I, uh, you know, we got, we tied one on pretty good and I ran outside with my hands in my pockets and just basically gave myself a Kirby and like took out the first, like two teeth. It's amazing. This log jam, when he says tied one on, I mean, we would just drink so much. Just, I mean, I feel like this was when I was losing my weight. So I was on my rum and diet coke uh benders so it'd be like i feel like we would just go through like a liter a night there at the least i would go and i would give bob fifty dollars the owner and he would let us go back and destroy all the furniture i would give bob 50 bucks and then we could just destroy

all of this plastic furniture that's amazing that's awesome awesome. I don't know how that ended either. That bar ended in a blaze of glory with Bob running down the street in his boxers with a baseball bat. And nobody ever saw him ever again. Yeah, Bob didn't pay taxes. You know, since we're reminiscing, I've got to bring this up. We've got to cover this on this episode. You made a horror movie?

You guys did a horror movie together. Yeah, the killer pirate from hell. Yeah! One of the best. And Ben was the pirate, right? Yeah, Ben was the star. I want me rum! That was his tagline, I want me rum.

I gotta see this. As a matter of fact, Dave has informed me the tape is in Fargo, North Dakota right now. It does exist, yeah. I just found that out. I lost it for like six years. I tracked it down. I found it. I got to get it and like edit it together.

Did you direct it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was very ambitious. There was like, there was special effects and like all this crazy stuff. I came out of a fire. Really? Yeah. What were the special effects?

Like what are we talking about? Me coming out of a fire. I threw a bunch of bottle rockets into the fire with Ben standing in the middle of it. Oh my God. Some good kills. You've got to get this. Well, there were some good kills, but I don't think we did. We didn't do enough on the blood because when we killed Drew,

Drew Matters, a good friend of ours, he didn't want to get blood on his clothes. So that was one of the buggers. Oh, my God. We didn't go far enough with the gore. It was more like just a silhouette under a streetlight. Yeah, we did it well, though. Showing a sword through him, yeah. What are you dressed as?

That was great. He had makeup and a full pirate outfit on. I've got to see this. Yeah, we went to the liquor store. That's where I came up with I Want Me Rum. You'll see. There was a lot of rum around that I wanted me rum, so that's where I came up with that catchphrase.

We went to the liquor store and we ran into that guy whose window he threw me through and he's like, what the fuck are you guys doing? Don't worry about it. Making a movie. As a matter of fact, I just remembered after I threw you through that window, then I laid you out onto a stump. Do you remember that? No. Yeah, I punched you.

No, no, you fell. That's what it was. You fell down, and then I picked you up. Yeah. That sounds like a complete lie to cover up, because he didn't remember the horrible thing that you did. It does sound like a lie, Ed. And I would say the punch was a lie, because all I remember is you fell in the stump.

You know, as much as Ben used to hurt us, it was wonderful growing up with him and drinking that much, because you could fall off a bar stool, and he would just pick you up and put you back on. I used to do that all the time. The ultimate enabler. It was beautiful. I mean, that's college. That's what college is all about, helping your friends drink themselves into a cup.

That's still now. That's still today. I will fucking want to go to bed. I don't help you up, though. I will want to go to bed at midnight and the bit will come in, like, at fucking 11.59 and all of a sudden it's 3 o'clock in the morning, I'm trashed, I have to go to bed at midnight and the bit will come in like at fucking 11.59 and all of a sudden it's 3 o'clock in the morning, I'm trashed, I have to go to work tomorrow. I mean, I will say, we have always done a very good job, Eddie, and I think

this is probably true for you as well, surrounding yourself with people who know how to fucking drink. Oh, yeah. There is nothing worse. That is like truly how you weed out people. I went to a party recently and they were full of people from Westchester. Two beers. They had two beers and I'm like, let's get a picture.

Oh no, I think we've had enough. They were trying to treat me like I was the asshole. You're a fucking idiot. Drink beer. It's a drinkable thing. If you're not going to drink that much, don't drink. Don't drink at all. I respect people who don't drink at all

more than I respect people who drink moderately. Fuck yourself. One time Benny goes to me, do you fuck to cum, then drink to get drunk? Yeah. Fuck to cum, drink to get drunk. Good point, Dave. Something that I said earlier. That's the title of your autobiography.

I just never, I mean, I really don't understand those people who don't drink to get drunk. I mean, at least buzzed, right, Ed? When was the last time you had one beer? Sometimes after work I'll have one beer. And then just go home and you're fine with that? Yeah, well, just so I can go to sleep. Just when I was going to say, oh, you're not an alcoholic. That's why I don't drink.

I don't have too many female friends because most women just can't drink the way I do. Yeah, that's true. Or they become horrible, terrible monsters when they do. Not that I don't, but I'm more friendly at least. That's the thing. When you're drunk, you're a fantastic person. Yeah, you know, I'm just the best. That's why I'm a drunk.

You're the beast knees. I am the beast knees. I am the beast knees. I'm going to marry you, Jackie. Yeah! I love you. So, Dave, the second time you broke your teeth, what were you doing there? You were bicycling, right? Yeah, that one wasn't as interesting.

I was riding a mountain bike down the street. To be frank, the first one wasn't particular. Were you drunk? I was very drunk, yeah. And I just went over the handlebars and hit my mouth on the sidewalk. It was just... God. That's so terrifying.

Fuck that. And the shitty thing about the first one, he did it on a Friday, so he couldn't go to the dentist until a Monday. Oh, that happened to me once, man. Really? Did you break your tooth? Oh, yeah. No, I've knocked out a couple teeth, too, also.

What does that feel like? It's really insane. It fucks with your brain, man. I'm sure. I was born without two teeth. I'm like, mine is, I have these, all these teeth right here are fake. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're all planted up in there. What the? It's a wild ride. It sounds crazy. Why were you born without two teeth? I don't know. I don't know the rules. He's a mutant.

I don't have wisdom teeth either. I just don't, they don't, they didn't grow on my body. I never got them. Cool, good. No, wisdom teeth, no, and these two teeth, they're just, I don't know the rules. He's a mutant. I don't have wisdom teeth either. I just don't. They didn't grow on my body. I never got them. Cool, good. No wisdom teeth. No, and these two teeth, they're just... So one might say you were evolved man. Well, I had a big gap between my two fucking front teeth.

I don't know how evolved that is. You're more of a fish. Yeah. He's fishier than us. More fish than man. Yeah. Wow. More fish than man.

Yeah, lizard-like, yeah. Yeah, lizard-like is probably the best. Oh, man. I'd love to be a giant fish than man. More fish than man. You're lizard-like, yeah. Yeah, lizard-like is probably the best. Oh, man, I'd love to be a giant fucking lizard. Oh, yeah, dude. What would you do day one of lizard-ing? Get so high. Just do it. I'd work at the poorhouse, probably be a chef, maybe do comedy.

Ha ha ha! Yeah. Well, you're living the lizard dream, man. Oh, man. You know the horrors at truck stops are called lot lizards. My father taught me that. I do like it. Speaking of foot dodgers, I imagine people go into the foot business because they love feet. I mean, people have feet obsessions.

I don't understand that. You know, Tarantino, he's got a big foot thing, and it's just so weird to me. Yeah, totally. Well, yeah, no, with the roast, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He drank out of Uma Thurman's shoe. Yeah, well, I would drink out of Uma Thurman's.

I mean, I would, too, but, I mean, he got an extra strong boner from that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He loves the feet. No, he was rock solid. You could tell. Oh, yeah. He loves the feet. No, he was rock solid. You could tell. Oh, yeah, totally. Fucking table just hit a little,

you know. A little Tarantino bone. And then I would assume, though, the irony is just like we loved comedy growing up and now we do comedy and now we hate comedy, but we still do it.

So that foot doctor, I wonder if he can even come to feet anymore. I don't know. That's so sad to think about, you know. It's like it's the same thing as like, you know, doctors who do the pregnancies. Can they jerk off to little babies anymore?

Right. That's a good point. It's just a sad state of affairs with doctors. Jackie, have you ever met a man who was into the feet? No, I haven't. I also don't understand it. I don't know. I think it's weird. No, I guess I don. I don't know. I think it's weird.

I guess I don't think it's weird. I think it's fine. I think it's weird and gross and wrong. It's all wrong. It should be dead. Yeah, man. Put them in an oven. Hey, all right.

We've done it. We filled the quota for the podcast. We got one rape, one oven. Good lord. Yeah, so even for you, I mean, you've been out with some very bizarre fellas, but even the foot fetish is off limits for them, huh? Yeah, man. No, no, it's no good, man.

You know, my chest is up here. You know, look at my chest. Be normal. That's good. Put your hands wherever you want. Just don't put your mouth on my bottom below my knees just keep off my calves and my ankles and my feet what about foot rub no foot rub women love no no no no i i agree i used to always think women love foot rubs but they always laugh and it

gets ticklish oh It is not good. Well, that's exactly true. You have such big hands. You were just giving me a back rub before because I'm in so much pain from the show yesterday. I know. That's the other reason that I'm happy. I feel like I'm only friends with you guys because I have large enough hands to actually penetrate your massive bodies

and make you feel good. So thank you, Lauren, for that as well. Otherwise, I would not be friends with you guys. You'd be like, well, you have no need for him. He's got extremely small hands, and he's very big. He's an extremely odd-looking no. I did see a guy, though, that was into collarbones. He wanted to, like, rub the head of his penis

against my collarbone. Whoa! Never heard of that. Yeah, man. It's like a ribbed thing, I guess. Anything with the bones is weird. It's always gonna end up in murder. Yeah. There's no other way

to get to the bones. He wants my actual bone. He wants to rub it against my rib cage. Which you can't touch, because I'm fat. Well, I can touch it. How many licks does it take to get to a lollipop? Or how many stabs does it take to get to that bone? That's the man. He's going to fucking figure that out.

God, I'm happy. You just gotta want it, you know? Yeah, you just gotta... Having a bone fetish would be the worst. So awful. It's impossible for you to find a thing bones alive. Just skeletons. You're loving skeletons.

You're dancing with skeletons. You know? Dancing is the sinful part. Yeah. I mean, honestly, I feel like that's what they do. They dress up with like a nice top hat,

like tuxedo, and put on some kind of classy, like, music. Ballroom dancing. And they dance with skeletons. Yeah, some Glenn Miller. Some real Glenn Miller. Yeah.

Some Ritz. That kind of shitinch. Some moonlight serenade. Yeah, oh, God. Dancing with that fucking skeleton. Day in, day out. It's all he does. He just dances with the goddamn skeleton. Oh, my God. If Grammy Grimm knew, then our son would be dancing with skeletons all day.

I swear to God. I don't want to say anything. I want you to keep talking. I'm delirious. I definitely like your new character. Yeah, totally. Dancing with those motherfucking goddamn skeletons. I've got to pay the rent in this place.

Good for him. Marcus, what do you got for me? What's in the news, buddy? This is like the most newsless show. This is the the most newsless show. Second story. A 91-year-old New Hampshire lawmaker said he wished America had its own Siberia to send, quote, defective people to. Then the mentally ill, the retarded, people with physical disabilities and drug addictions could, quote, freeze to death and die and clean up the population.

Yeah, it's called Alaska. Yeah, it's Alaska or Fargo, North Dakota. We got our own. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just doesn't know where it is. I feel like the guy got a little redundant there. He could have just ended it with defective though. Yeah. He pretty much just described what that means. There's so many more people you could send away. You know, they don't

have to be retards. You know, you could send away. They don't have to be retards. You could send away an asshole. Right. And somebody asked, whenever a constituent suggested that he sounded like Hitler, the guy said, Hitler did something right, and I agree with it. Whoa! Yeah. I don't give a fuck how old you are, you dumb piece of shit.

Oh, man. Yeah, he was 91. The fellow legislator says that he has shown signs of great confusion at work. Uh-huh. It sounds that way. So he's a long... Where is he from? New Hampshire.

New Hampshire. He's a congressman? Yeah. So this must be his, like, 43rd term? No, this is his first term. He got elected at 91? What? What the fuck?

I love this guy. This is the American dream. If a bigot racist who thinks Hitler had some good ideas can win election in 2011 at the age of 90. One. He's my hero. Well, I figure he won last year. Oh, man. That's insane.

What a champion. How did he get voted in? Who was he running against? Literally a skeleton? My opponent, he can't speak. He's got no brains. He's a skeleton. I got some good ideas. He was running against an Indian. Who wants to get rid of retards?

They're like, why does he want to get rid of retards? What's wrong with retards? I've never heard anybody mad at retards. They love to hug you, you know? They love to play games with you. They're hilarious. There's so much. We'll probably try to keep them from procreating so that they don't make more retards.

But there's always going to be more retards. Well, that's the thing. I actually think if two retards fuck, do they necessarily have a retarded baby? Not necessarily. I think that's how science works, Mike. I think that's how science works. They make midgets.

And then those midgets make very tall athletes. Imagine being a normal middle school kid and having two retards as parents. There was a Mr. Show sketch about that. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

It's got to have happened. Yeah, the peanut butter and dice sandwich. Yeah, the peanut butter and dice. Peanut butter and dice. I love that. Eggs. And a sponge. Sponge.

And a sandwich. Is retarded breast milk the same as regular breast milk? Like, has it got enough vitamins? It's probably sweeter. Yeah, it might be sweeter. Oh, that's like a Hershey bar, you know? They outlawed the breast milk ice cream in England. Now they're bringing it back.

It's legal. Baby Gaga. Baby Gaga. Is back on the market. Oh, man. But I know Lady Gaga is suing. She wants the rights to the name now, apparently. No, is she really?

Yeah, she's very upset. Yeah, she is suing. She's not rights to the name now, apparently. No, is she really? Yeah, she's very upset. Yeah, she is suing. Yeah, she's not happy. Because they took the whole Gaga thing? Can you coin something a child says? It's a baby. It's a baby thing. That's ridiculous.

Come on. That comes from what? Queen. Yeah. Anyways. It's like suing Ben and Jerry's, you know? My name is Ben. Yeah, I should sue them.

You should. Yeah, that's true. Not to mention, you know? Yeah. My name is Ben. Yeah, I should sue them. You should. Yeah, that's true. Not to mention, she has stolen everything. That last song of Lady Gaga sounds just like a Madonna song. Yeah. But I forget what the name of the Madonna song is. I haven't, I've never come to Madonna. No.

And truth or dare? The Bullfighter music video. Yeah. She's in her bra and she's all sexy with the TV. Oh, that's right. There you go. Come on. You came to that one. Yeah. See, I always just waited until I actually saw their titties to actually, you know. See, I like

to get lures sometimes. But yeah, sometimes I like to, you know, I like the, like, ooh, I won't necessarily be able to see those titties. All business. You're all business. I got an uncle who's a bouncer. He's been a bouncer for a long time in New York City, and he used to

tell us stories about how when Madonna used to come to the club and how all of the bouncers would sit around and just talk about everything they used to do to her in the early 80s when she first came to know she was the biggest whore. What did they do to her? Just filthy, filthy things. I don't know specifically.

I can get them on the phone for you, maybe. But no, really, it was this like legendary stuff. We were like, oh, man, we fucked her hair. We did three of us and four of us. She's like the biggest whore. Wow. Before she was famous, though. Plus, they also had a lot of sex clubs like in New York back in the 80s, right?

Like there was a boom for that, I believe. Yeah, in the 70s, yeah, in the 80s. Man, if he wants to come do the show and talk about it, that'd be awesome. I would love it. This guy's got, yeah, Chase told me about this guy a couple times. He has some amazing stories.

We've got to get him and the foot doctor on the same episode. And I want to get this congressman in here so he can talk about his views without being judged by this unbelievably biased society that we live in. And you know what? President Obama, we want you.

Obama, you're available. So back to this fella in New Hampshire. So is he going to, what's the fallout been? Has anybody been talking about that? Or is he going to be impeached? You know, honestly, nobody's really talking about it at all. I mean, this happened like two days ago. And yeah, I mean, I haven't heard anything else about it at all. I mean, this happened like two days ago.

I mean, I haven't heard anything else about it. He's 90! Come let him be fucking 90 and retarded! What the fuck do you expect him to say? Maybe he just really wants to go to Siberia. Maybe. And he is retarded, so he's like, if I just say that I want to send all of me kind of people to Siberia, maybe I can go.

Yeah, but when you get that old, though, it's just cute. Yeah, just let him go. Yeah, but when you get that old, though, it's just cute. Just let him die. Why do you even ask him questions? No one should even talk to him. I can't remember if I brought this up yet or not. I was thinking about it the other day. Henry and I talk about this, but you reach age 90. What age do

you reach? I just feel like I'm going to try heroin. 75. 75? That early? Yep. Michael, that answer was so definitive why the fuck not try the thing that's supposed to be better than like god's comma whatever the fuck they describe it as you know it's like which has got to be great by the way unbelievable assuming he's a man assuming he's a man yeah you know oh that was good i mean it's good to throw that in there the way. Unbelievable. Assuming he's a man. Assuming he's a man. Yeah.

Oh, that was good. That was good to throw that in there, Kissel. I mean, even if he's not, it's still going to be great. I've never tasted female gum. I was thinking more like 90, 95. 95, probably. Really? Because I'm going to get addicted. But I feel like you're on even better drugs than heroin when you're at that age.

Don't they feed you just a whole season? I thought heroin was the best. I don't know. Dave, you just had a grandmother who died he did i did yes and did you find that she was on very good prescription drugs towards the end was she happier than she'd ever been no she i mean she was on morphine but it did not really she wasn't happy at all she morphine she was ready to go yeah it's not so you would you would have recommended heroin at that point for her?

Yeah, I don't know if I would have recommended heroin at that point. I think, like, I think it just sucks. I mean, I don't think there's probably a great way to go. You're just outweighing the shittiness. Yeah, exactly. I'm talking about, like, I'm 95 and I'm in good, decent health for 95. The whole thing is just talking about some great recreation once everything else has been done. Yeah. Once day is done, try the best drug.

75, man. 75. That's nuts. What about you, Ben? I mean, I never want to try heroin. Why not? Because my body, I just feel like it'll be, I just get addicted to stuff. I just need my weed in my drink.

Same here. That's why I'm waiting until 95 instead of 75. I guess so. I know very few people who have ever had a heroin problem who are happy about that period in their life. Yeah, Dave, talk about that. Because Dave, he used to hang out with a lot of, I guess there were punk kids. They were very successful tattoo artists that whole season. Did he watch people shoot up and shit?

Yeah, there was a lot of people with heroin issues. Yeah, because your sister used to be in that, what was the name of that band? It was an industrial goth band. And I got kicked out of high school and had to go live with them because that's where you go when you get kicked out of high school there's like nothing else that i could possibly do at that point and they were great i mean i was like to go live with a punk band anybody who gets kicked out of high school they give them the keys to the house yeah they're gonna live with their in-house punk band i was like little brother to them though they didn't give me any heroin good that's good

you saw people doing and that was like 10 years ago so you saw people doing a lot of coke and heroin and how are they now well lots of people are dead lots of people are clean and sober and living healthy productive lives i mean it's okay you can go through it but it's just i wouldn't want to do it yeah overall it looked like a pretty miserable process yeah yeah that part that it was pretty ugly some parts what was your what was the ugliest part Did you ever see somebody bleeding in their arm like Nikki Sixx, wake up with a puddle of blood in their palm? There's a guy that I knew, I liked him quite a bit, and he just died one day above a bar,

and nobody really talked about it too much after that because it was just sad. So he just died of an overdose? Yeah, he just OD'd. Yeah, he was an all right dude too. It's good that at that point you're already gone to most people. Right. I mean, I feel like you just... This is the very first time we've ever gotten serious on this show.

Oh, it's not serious. It's not serious. It's heroin and drugs. So how old was he when he OD'd? Oh, he was 28. Holy Lord. That's the thing. As you get older, you see these ages of people dying and it's astonishingly scary. Yeah.

It's like, that's why, I mean, I feel like if you do heroin at 95, I think you're just gonna immediately die. Yeah, exactly. Fine. Fuck it. It's suicide at that point. Yeah, I would think so. That's a good way to go, though, right? Yeah. I guess heroin's in the butt above a ball. Sounds like you're gonna have a horrible,

horrible last two hours of life. And you're just gonna have a horrible, horrible last two hours of life. And you're just going to be tripping balls. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever seen Trainspotting? Yeah, that's true. It's not always awesome. Heroin has downfalls.

Yeah. Wait, Jay, you grew up on some crazy streets, right? We talked about this before? Yep. Right? And do you have any, like, know people with crazy addictions or anything like that, in that sense, like, when you're up there? Of course. You know, it's really weird, like, with addiction in poor neighborhoods because it's always, like, you forget that these are regular people.

You know, like, that's crackhead and that's dope fiend, but you forget that this is somebody's cousin and mother. You know what I mean? My father had a drug problem. My mother didn't, but I wasn't raised... My father's been clean for like 30 years now. So it's like, it's weird when you... I don't know him as that, but a lot of people may, you know, still, you know, in their 40s or 50s. Yeah, he was just like cracky.

That was like... No, he wasn't crack. He wasn't crack. It was heroin, actually. Really? Yeah. Your dad was on heroin? Yeah.

Holy lordy. Man. That's crazy, actually. Really? Yeah. Your dad was on heroin? Yeah. Holy lordy. Man. That is crazy, man. But see, but that's what if you have a whole life to live. If you're fucking 80, what the fuck? What is the fucking street price on heroin in the poor neighborhoods and stuff? I don't know. I don't use it, man.

Yeah, who knows? He doesn't know that. This is something we have to talk about off air. Yeah. That's what I said. So since Holden just cannot throw to me on this segment. The segment? It's time for the segment?

Yeah, it's time for the segment. It's a special secret surprise segment from Marcus Parks. All right. I know all of you are going to enjoy this. This actually goes very well with the drug conversation. Since all of you may or may not know, I recently stopped smoking weed. I was just going to mention that. Yeah, yeah.

I recently just stopped smoking weed, so I have no use for my paraphernalia anymore. Oh, no! Yeah! Parks, are you crazy right now? Are you, like, out of your mind? What are you doing? What is in that bag?

It's a bag. It's a bag. All right. Are you sure about this? Absolutely. I'm serious about this. Okay, Marcus, why are you giving up weed so officially like this? I mean, I thought you'd be back in the game in a couple of days.

No, no, no, no. I'm done. Because all I did all the time, like I haven't had fun with it for like months and months. I kept thinking like, oh, maybe I'll come back. No, just scared and paranoid and socially anxious. Even whenever I wasn't on it, quit on Tuesday. I'm feeling great. You think it's maybe the medication?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't work well with it anymore. I'm happier than I've been in a long time. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I'm done with it. First of all, to Holden and Ben to the house, for the first this is for everyone.

My grinder. Hogan's a grinder. Hogan's a grinder. And for both of you and for individually, I cannot fucking believe you guys don't have a pipe in your house. Oh my god. I cannot believe that you don't have one.

So for the smaller one, there you go, Holden. What a fantastic little pipe. And ridiculous. It's a nice little glass piece. We've got some blues. We've got some like, We've got some brown. A little Grateful Dead-ish. It's nice and round,

but good and small because at the same time, we also like to conserve. We don't want a huge bowl. But you got one. Yeah! Oh, my hand just fell off. This is the size of a porn star's penis. Oh, Eddie, I feel like I'm looking at you aroused right now.

This is a very phallic, penis-looking, wonderful glass piece that has a hole as deep as a nice gal's anus. This is just a cute little thing. I can't wait to smoke a lot of marijuana out of it. Absolutely. Thank you, Marcus. I really hope no one gets arrested or has to talk to the cop tonight. No one listens. It's fine.

Oh my god. And when you spin it, it looks like you're falling into your own brain. Yeah. Oh no! And Kevin, who is not here right now, he'll get nothing and like it. Yeah, Kevin does not need it.

For the biggest hater, yeah, he'll get nothing and like it. I think he would probably up his StarCraft skills a little bit if he did a little bit of Toki Blades. Just a little bit. And to Jackie and Henry, who is also not here, I have two dugouts in my collection. There you go. My other one is in my office.

So you can pick between which one you want. Do I get first dibs? You get first dibs. Dibs! Well, also because he's not here. Oh, thanks, Marcus. And then finally, Ferretti. Sweetest and fairest of us all.

He just had a little cheek. The kindest one. Whoa! You get the big boy. What is this? Whoa. Oh, my. It's a stripper with a...

What do you even do with this? Oh, my God! Oh, Jesus Christ! Ladies and gentlemen, the double dong has been released. This bong can feed all of Japan. Which, by the way, I can't touch because how many times did I break this stem? You can't go anywhere near me. No, you can't break this bong.

It's unbreakable? It's triple glass. It's a roar. It's a roar. It's a roar. These guys are serious. Look, it's trademarked. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. It's a roar. It's a roar. It's a roar. These guys are serious. Look, it's trademarked. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Yeah, it's trademarked. I got that for Christmas one year. Wow. What is the extension there for? There's an extension on the stem. Because the bowl, it's so big, you have to have an extra long bowl. And it goes all the way to the bottom.

All the way to the bottom of the bowl. And notice right here, this cat, the little ribs, you can put ice in it. Fill it with ice. You can fill it with ice. And it catches the ice right there. That's what it's supposed to do, man. This is all we use to smoke. Oh, Marcus.

You're welcome. Thank you so much, Marcus. Thank you, Mike. Thank you. Officially the best roundtable of gentlemen yet. Unbelievable. I want to thank everybody for being here. Dave Kaler, thanks so much, my friend.

You're amazing, Dave. Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson, Marcus Parks. Yes, my love! Hold me, Neil. Can I say real quick, Dave designed our logo, by the way. Yes. Any graphic design work, go to Dave, what is it? DaveKahler.com

DaveKahler.com K-O-E-H-L-E-R Very nice. You barely got it. That was pretty good for me. And Michael Che, thank you for being here. Che, C-I-U C-I-U

Michael Che. Go look up Michael Che. It's a drawing of a black dude. That's all it is. Drawn by Dave such and such. Dave Gale. All right, Ben Kissel, thank you. I'm loving it.

Oh, shit. I forgot one more thing. Ben, here is the acid that we bought. Whoa! My brain! And you can have my tab. Wow! Yeah, I'm terrified.

But I will say one thing. Mushrooms, still on the menu. Yeah! My favorite drug, the only one I'll ever do again. Who wants to buy some acid?