The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 340: Bird Justice

Episode Date: September 1, 2017

The gang talks about the perils of committing crimes around a talking bird, reminisce about favorite mushroom-centric foods, and decide which buildings need boobs.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Ladies and gentlemen, hello and much much. I am a whale. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Civility.

gentlemen, always civility. You can't leave us alone. Oh my God. Marcus left us alone. We can do this. Let's break everything in here. 69, 69, 69. I got tits.

Let's take it easy here. I'm a fucking dog. I'm a pee my pants, man. I've been dying to pee my pants. Mark is the only thing that stops me. I'm going to take off my pants. I'm going to pee on the back of my pants. I'm going to put them back on.

I'm going to sit in it. Oh, man. It's so exciting to be alive right now. Ben Kissel, video games rules and politics drool. Wow. This is really getting intense, guys. You got it, man. Yo, let's cut off Ben's nipples.

Yeah. Cut them off. Cut them off. Cut them off. Yeah, you look stupid as fuck without no nipples, man. Yeah. They're very low. Can't go nowhere, you fucking idiot.

Dumbass, fucking stupid ass. Yeah. It actually kind of does hurt my feelings. My nipples are so pathetically low because I lost all that weight. So it's really. Wait, let's see your nipples. No, I'm not going to show you my nipples. Marcus isn't here.

Show your nipples. No, I would show my nipples to Marcus. Slap his ass, Jackie. Oh, my. Leave me alone. How many pounds do your nipples weigh? Oh, my goodness. I don't know.

What's 18 ounces? Just get a nippleectomy. Whatever that is. Get a nippleectomy. That's a pound and an ounce. They're a pound and two ounces. A pound and two ounces. Not bad. Yeah, 16 ounces and a a pound and an ounce. A pound and two ounces. A pound and two ounces. Not bad.

Yeah, 16 ounces and a pound. Your nipples are a pound and two ounces? I know. They're strange. That caused you about 860 at the deli. Yeah. That's about it. How many belts could Ed Gein make out of your nipples?

Oh, my God. If he saw me, he would be like, that's a whole store. He would be so happy with all the loose skin and just six foot seven worth of flesh. Ed Gein would just like, boom. He would be like, what's the name of the character from Family? Get quiet, get quiet, he's coming. Mark's second, real quiet. We didn't say anything, Mark.

Actually, I was sort of verbally assaulted. Did you say I was on girl, what? No. They were verbally assaulting my horrible body. We're going to cut off Ben's nipples. We said we're going to connect four pieces out of Ben's nipples. Oh, my goodness. I'm pointing and laughing.

I know. I saw that. I saw that. Yeah. Good Lord. Well, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, amen. Hey, Ma, how you doing? What's going on lately? Eddie! Eddie, I'm doing great, Eddie. Hey, Ma, how you doing? What's going on lately?

Eddie! Eddie, I'm doing great, Eddie. I haven't talked to you in a while. You wouldn't believe it, Eddie. What's up? The other day, I took off my clothes, and I went for a swim in the pool. That's fine. You don't have to.

Yeah, no, Eddie, but it was a fountain. So? I'm drunk, Eddie. Good. Yeah, Eddie. That's great. What are you drinking these days? Usually it's scotch, but are you trying anything else out?

No, Eddie. I'm still drinking scotch just the way that you remember me. Good God. That's so sweet. Yeah, Eddie. How are you, Ed? You know, I'm moving to L.A. Eddie.

Yeah, you know. Watch out for the gays, Eddie. There's plenty here. Oh, I forgot, Eddie. I forgot. Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it I forgot, Eddie. I forgot. Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it. Yeah, Eddie.

All right, well, have a good one. Say hi to Jesus and Jimi Hendrix. I'm hanging out with Vincent Van Gogh. Oh, yeah. Vincent Van Gogh? No, Vincent Van Gogh. Oh, okay. He always says, I'm Vincent Van Gogh, and I say, leave then.

I have a fun time here. Just as funny as I remember you, Bob. Yeah, Eddie. Anyway, I got to go eat some candy. All right. Oh, congratulations. That's great. I ate candy in heaven, Eddie.

Reese's. Yeah, you can finally enjoy your Reese's. Yeah, and they come in not just the pieces. The cups. Yeah. All right. You're always my favorite son. I'm your only child.

That's it. All right, in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen. All right. Powerful stuff. What an intro. Yeah. It was crazy how easy it was to be uncomfortable during that. It's quite disturbing the entire time.

We are going to keep doing it. Oh, of course. All right. This is the round table of gentlemen. Let's see. We have to go through everybody's names. Please. Okay, Jackie.

What's going on, Jackie? I don't know. I just look out weekend. Here I come. The Garfield shirt alert. I'm putting on my Garfield shirt. And he's drunk on it. And he's got a smoke look out weekend. Here I come. The Garfield shirt alert. It says it on my Garfield shirt. And he's drunk on it. And he's got a smoke and a joint.

Hell yeah. It's bad Garfield. Because Garfield's lazy and Garfield doesn't get a job. Unlike Heathcliff's. He's out there on the street. Heathcliff doesn't have a job. He's homeless. Yeah.

He doesn't have a home to live in. He's busting his ass every day. He's a pimp. He has multiple women that work for him. Yeah. Do you not see the intro of Heathcliff? He has busting his ass every day. He's a pimp. He has multiple women that work for him. Do you not see the intro of Heathcliff? He has a beautiful mansion made of cars. I think that's a fantasy. That's a fantasy.

That's totally a fantasy. Yeah, because he doesn't have it in the show. That's why he eats nothing but fish bones. Everything's a fantasy. My apartment's a fantasy. The streets are a fantasy. Heathcliff is insane. Delusional. I doubt it. And again, we need more cartoons

out there teaching children about the dangers of mental health. Marcus, please. The pros of homelessness. There you go. Marcus agreed. So did Ed.

I think we're getting some conversions over here. No, of course not. Two point conversion. Of course not. False equivalency. Conflation. I believe that Heathcliff

had its own right to be a cartoon. Was it better than Garfield? Absolutely not. Oh, my God. Powerful. Better than the Snorks, though. I'm happy. I would erase them from history if I could.

You know I fucking love the Snorks. You love the Snorks? Yes, I love the Snorks. It's such a Snork ripoff. It's clear as day. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's a ripoff that elevated the form. Oh, come on.

Please. I've been screaming for a snorks version of the Brewster episode. How does a snork work? They don't put it above the water. It doesn't make any sense. Yes, it does. They don't have to be under water. By the way, I thought of a million dollar idea.

What is that? Snorkel extenders. I was in Key West this week. Oh, wow. What does that mean? That's great. You get an extender for the snorkels. No, you scuba dive.

No, you just make it longer. If you don't want to scuba dive, you just go a little deeper with my snorkel extender. No, no, no. But then the water drag is going to cause it to sink. Yeah, it's going to cause it to sink. It doesn't work like that. So we got to make it stronger? Do you think anyone tried it once probably?

Do you think one tried it once probably? Doing one person in their fucking life tried to do that already and failed? I haven't heard the word snorkel in a long time. I like that. This is one of the strangest things I agree with Holden about the snorks as well. Snorks are amazing. You like the snorks? Who doesn't love snorks? I wasn't into the snorks.

They were so fun. Snorks, snorks? They're boring. Oh, come on. I remember they existed, but I don't know what they did at all. That's how unimportant they are. They snorked. Get some land, you fucking idiots.

Oh, please. Here's why. Actually, that's impossible to do. The reason why snorkels usually aren't more than a foot long is because you don't have a strong enough diaphragm, and the water pressure also keeps the air from coming down. The deeper down you go, the more water pressure there is. Oh, okay. This was Eddie's million-dollar idea.

Yeah. You just ruined it with one Google search. With this very simple Google search, yes. I think that maybe we could make them and then rip people off. That's a million-dollar idea. That's a million-dollar idea. So you're good Jackie? Yeah

I like your new glasses Thank you so much Alright I just realized these beers have They say New York on them I know I found ones in Florida That said Florida And I forgot to take a picture

I was so happy Yeah Budweiser that said Florida I was in heaven Wow It was great That's all it takes for you to be in heaven? I don't ask for much That's about it That's you to be in heaven? I don't ask for much. That's about it.

That's great. I like this. Oh, my goodness. That's where I live. Oh, isn't that nice? Not for long. Nope, not for long, baby. I'm excited.

We're going to be beach buddies. I can't wait to have so many L.A. friends. I'm going to travel all the time just to go visit you guys. It'll be a lot of fun. I'm Ed Larson. Okay. How you doing? To me or to the audience?

To you. I am good. The audience can't answer. They can. They can do whatever they want to do. It'll take a week Ed Larson. Okay. How you doing? To me or to the audience? I am good. The audience can't answer. They can. They can do whatever they want to do. But yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm good.

You're good? I feel good, yeah. The whole world's burning. Yeah. Everything is horrible. But you know, we're surviving. How's the campaign going? September 12th, we had a primary.

The Republicans are trying to primary us. You got to go vote. You can actually vote starting now. Really? If you're in Brooklyn, go vote. You get a Reform Party ballot. It's me. I'm running with a Democrat as well, so vote for him.

And, yes, so you can start voting now. September 12th, Vito Bruno is trying to primary us. Wow. It's not happening. So I'm going to be hanging out at the Armour... September 12th? Yes, September 12th, but you can start voting now. I'm hanging out downtown Brooklyn starting Friday,

and I'm going to start being a little Pied Piper to the polls. Yeah. So come on and vote for that. When you say the polls, you mean like the voting polls or Pollocks? No, well, both. He'd be doing that in this neighborhood in Greenpoint. Absolutely. So that's what's happening with that.

Very exciting stuff. So I want to contribute, and this is what I plan to do. I'm going to Photoshop all the faces of your opponents onto pictures of people at that dog festival in China. That's a great idea. Put them out. Get the word out.

The dog eating festival. Slap a dog to death and eat it in front of everybody. Not the dog petting festival. Does that exist? Is there a dog petting festival. Oh, that would be fun. The other one. Does that exist? Is there a dog petting festival? I mean, there has to be. There has to be.

Surfing dog festival. There's got to be some kind of. Yeah, just a dog cuddle party I'm sure exists. Wild. I'm getting a dog. You are? Yeah, I'm going to do it. I'm going to figure it out.

I don't know. I was looking at those Chinese meat dogs like we were just talking about. They're very cute. Very damaged. Oh, yeah. We'll see what happens. Oh, you can go to Reston, Virginia for Pet Fiesta. Ooh.

Look at that. Yeah, it brings together local businesses, animal rescue groups, and pet owners for an exciting day of activities, demonstrations, and animals galore. Oh, that's so fun. What is it? I ain't going, man. Why not? Oh, fuck all that shit, man.

There'll be some birds there. If there were some birds there. You don't go to a festival for birds. Every day is a bird festival. Yeah, that's true. Birds are everywhere. I love pigeons. Working class doves. I am such a fan of pigeons.

Everything has to be political. I love pigeons. I really do. You know what I could do without? Goose. We can't do out Goose Get rid of the goose They shit man They got big stinky lungs You're one to talk You got the stinkiest thing

It doesn't matter with your stinkers Dogs are always eating up all this Goose shit and it's making all the dogs sick I don't know about that. I live a five-minute walk away from Ed, and I know every time he takes a shit. Man, I love screaming out the window. Hey, boy! Uh-oh.

Oh, he's shitting again. He's just the Queen's Ed Larson right there. Actually, Ed, there's a story that person is totally on your side. Boston City Councilor said geese and their waste ruin youth sports and picnics, make it unpleasant for the elderly who like to walk in the parks, and the waste gets all over dog's

paws. Come on. These goose are fucking stinky foreigners. What is wrong with the geese? They gassed all the Canadian geese because they took down Sully Sullivan. It's Canadian geese that are causing all these problems. Yeah. There's so many of them. They have no natural predators

except for us. That can't be true. It's possible. No way. Things kill geese. Yeah, by fucking foot, man. Well, what happened is that they were near extinction, so they were protected, and the population grew unchecked. So now they're everywhere near extinction, so they were protected, and the population grew unchecked. So now they're everywhere.

Well, because there was a Gestapo trying to kill all the geese. It's not appropriate. Gestapo, you deserve more. You deserve more for Gestapo. You are on fire. But I agree with the Gestapo. The geese? No, you shouldn't agree with the Gestapo.

Yeah, let's clip that. Gestapo. Gestapo. Yeah, Gestapo. Not Gustapo. No, I know. That's a that. Gestapo. Gestapo? Yeah, Gestapo. Not Gustapo. No, I know. That's a whole different stoppo. Yeah, but they'd say goose, too.

I mean, who knows? I don't know. I watched Wonder Woman. I'm a hero. And she fights and kills a bunch of Nazis. Terrible movie. I loved Wonder Woman. I didn't like it.

Why not? There was just a bunch of things that were wrong. Most of the DC movies suck. Okay. I mean, I can't be spoiling the movie for you. No, it doesn't matter. It's been out for months. And it's the same thing that happens to every single superhero movie, so there's no spoilers.

There was all this shit when they were like, oh, she's a god. Nothing can kill a god but a god. And why did this lady have to jump in front of a regular-ass rifle to stop her from getting shot in the beginning of the shit? It was a big rifle. It was a long rifle. They just would talk about she's a god. rifle to stop her from getting shot in the beginning of the shit big rifle she just talked about she's a god all this there's a lot i can't even remember there's i literally wrote somebody like a long like bullet points of why the movie stunk when i saw it i can't remember everything but i do like that was the first thing and i just kept getting progressively there was more and more

that's the same reason i don't like Superman. Too many powers. Well, I don't like Superman. Too unstoppable. No Wonder Woman, she liked babies. She didn't like to dress in modern clothing, which was fun. And then she also had a lot of different personal issues going on. She did or did not like babies? She did not.

No, because she did not like the gender norms of World War II Britain. Babies? She liked babies. Oh, she did like babies. She did like babies. She did enjoy babies. Oh, she did like babies. She did like babies. She did enjoy babies. Yeah, she said, baby. Is that in the movie?

Robin Wright was in it? Yeah, that is in the movie. I love Robin Wright. Love Robin Wright? She's great. Yeah, it was like Babe Island to start with. They were all fighting each other and stuff. They weren't that hot.

What are you talking about? You're insane. They were the definition of beauty. I Googled the height of every single actress in that movie. Really? How tall was the tallest one? Gal Gadot was 5'10". That's tall for a Jew.

You can say that because you almost converted. Almost. Man. All right, Eddie, we're technically just still on your turn. I mean, I'm done. Oh, you're done. One minute. Oh!

I don't know. I had to keep the show moving I mean, I'm done. Oh, you're done. One minute. I don't know. I had to keep the show moving. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I'm sorry. Did we skip you, Jackie? Get fucked. No, I got mine. All right. Now it's time.

Beep, beep, beep, beep. Oh, what is it of time? What is it? What is it of time? The only thing drunk about him is the whispers. He's dying. He's dying. He's dying. That is actually much creepier than getting loud and drunk. Get quiet and drunk.

He's a quiet drunk. You stay away from those. Shh. It's a PlayStation Network shoutout. Arsenal0328. You stay away from those. It's PlayStation Network. Shout out. Arsenal 0-3-2-8. I think I may have read this before, but fuck it, right? He gets two, right? Hey, Holden, love the show and everyone on it.

My wife loves Jackie, but isn't a fan of Ed. She says he sounds like he's covered in hair. All right. I just wanted to say that. I get six more. I was the bad wife. Yes, I get six more. Get a new wife.

No, why didn't the wife like Eddie? Because it sounds like he's covered in hair. He is. Yeah. I'm not that hairy. You're hairy. We had the same conversation last time. You're hairy, boy.

Oh, I see. He's hairy, boy. I'm hairy. I'm hairy enough. You're a hairy fucker. I'm average. I'm not overly hairy. Yeah, our arms have the same amount of hair.

You got a good amount of hair. No, actually, Marcus is hairier. No, Marcus, you're hairy. Actually, my arms are hairy, but my chest is free. No. Nothing. Nothing. I got hairy nipples, but otherwise, nothing.

I'm really not going to solve this unless you guys drop trowel. Now, look. Oh, God. Marcus, trim this. What is wrong with you? Jesus. Oh, my God. Wow.

All right. Well, see, that's still there. Eddie has a better body than you. No, I swear to God. I saw your body and I was like, what's wrong with my body? He's got a fine body. Eddie has a body. You look like you live underground.

Your body looks like the same body that Brooklyn from Gargoyles had. The people who follow Dennis Leary in Demolition Man. My body looks like the same body that Brooklyn from Gargoyles had. The same. Some of the albino mold, I think. The people who followed Dennis Leary in Demolition Man. He was a good leader down there. Milk and Peppers says, shout out. Tell Jackie happy belated. Give everyone a high five for me. And when are we getting Bird Luger talks for 30 minutes?

We already did that one. We did? Yep. What was that? Really? When was that? Yeah, that was last 30 minutes? We already did that one. We did? Yep. When was that? When was that? Yeah, that was last week. Or maybe a week before last. I bet, actually.

We got a write-up in the New Orleans. When are we getting Holden talks for 30 minutes? I don't think we've gotten a, when is Bird Luger talking for 30 minutes? All right. By the way, that story, when you got robbed because you're so desperate for women's attention, made the New Orleans Times. Yeah. I don't know if it was the New Orleans Times.

I don't think it was the New Orleans Times. I think it was the New Orleans Police Bar. Nola Defender. Yeah. Dude the New Orleans Times. Yeah. I don't know if it was the New Orleans Times. I don't think it was the New Orleans Times. I think it was the New Orleans Police Block. Dude, that's awesome. Who sent it to you? They tweeted it at me. That's great.

That's so funny. I wonder why. It's the most press this show has ever gotten. It's crazy. All it took was Kevin getting robbed and we actually

made the papers. It's noladefender.com. I love you. Love Nola Defender. Why not? Juicy Diddle says. Good name. Says, I love the opening too.

Yo, baby. Love the round table and all things cave comedy. You have inspired me to start a very below average podcast myself. Please bring last podcast to Australia, Marcus fucking Ho. All right. He named the podcast But I feel like he was just Trying to get free advertising What do you think?

Ooh Yeah Yeah name his podcast Alright fine I will name it then It's called The School for Wayward Nerds Clerkington says

Can I get a PlayStation Network Shout out Tell the round table I love them all Jumbo Shrimp forever Two Three Four

We are the Jumbo Shrimp forever. Two, three, four. We are the Jumbo Shrimp. Here to play a game. Now read this next one as a sexy nurse. What's the Jumbo Shrimp's record right now? They got to be playing again, right? They did bad this year. They did? They started off so strong.

It's a building year. They're building. Yeah, yeah. I think every year is a building year for minor league baseball teams, isn't it? Yeah, you never really keep anybody. Yeah, everyone's just moving around. Well, actually, I think they did okay. They were not good at the away games.

They did 23-7 at home, which is really fucking great. And then away games, they did 12-21. They missed their families. They missed their people. And you get out there, and you meet that strange, and you take that strange back to your hotel room and you're doing fucking uppers and poppers and downers.

Just rolling around trying new sexual positions. Everything. And then you wake up the next day and we gotta play a baseball game. You're exhausted. You're defeated. You're destroyed. And they're not in the best shape anyway. What is this term strange all about? Picking up some strange? Yeah, yeah.

It's a word we've never heard of. I've heard of it, but I don't know. Get some strange wool. Well, what's the point of shopping there? I don't get it. Actually, I take it back. The jumbo shrimp finished first in their league. There it is.

They're on the division. Wow. Congratulations to all the shrimps. 35 wins, 28 losses. The only ones right behind them were the Mobile Bay Bears. But it looks like the division winner, though, was the Pensacola Blue Wahoos. Blue Wahoos. Wait, is Blue Wahoos, is that two separate words?

Yeah, Blue Wahoos. The Wahoo is a type of fish. Oh, I get it. But the Bay Bears is one word, though. Okay. Yeah, I don't know I don't think a bay bear Is a real thing

Why don't major league Baseball teams Take the minor league names They're so much more fun I know They are real fun Steep to tradition Okay

Yeah Alright So that asks me to read This next one Is a sexy nurse Dan Bear Pig says Oh Holding Moses McNeely

Play a fucking game with me. Also throw this guy another shout out, and I'll swallow next time. What's wrong with you? I'll even let you bring a friend. She's so unsexy about that. Aren't you engaged? I'm unsexy. Engaged?

Just a second. I'm going to take slow-talking Morris over this. Corporal horror or CPL horror. I'm guessing it's corporal. Yeah. Oh, uh-oh. Are we getting a... Who's there? I would honestly take...

Why would you invite him into the podcast? I would invite this better than Ben. Hello. Hey, look. It's, uh, what's your name again? It's me. Slow-talking Morris. Wow.

That's so cool. What have you been up to lately? So is mouth shut. Not much. Wow, that's so cool. What have you been up to lately? So is mouth shut. Not much. How's your family? Fine. I was not talkative today.

What was the last movie that you saw that you really enjoyed? Fun Boy 7. What was that all about? Boy. Well, gotta go. Oh, man.

It's too bad. Bye, slow talking Morris. Bye. Bye. My question is why? Why did that happen? I didn't deserve that. You got to sit

right next to him too. He must be so much louder over there. And I dropped my sweat rag on the train. You did? Yeah, so I was kind of drying off on the train

because I was just getting sweaty even because I had to run up the stairs. You used that sweat rag in public? Oh yeah, I was mopping up and then I was

copying and pasting my PlayStation Network shout outs as I do. You use it on the train? And I got up and I had to go to the other train and I dropped it

on the get up. You live like a jazz musician who doesn't know how to play an instrument. Fantastic. I know how to play. Corporal Horace says I want to shout out. You actually do know how to play an instrument. Check. I know how to play. Corporal Horace says, I want to shout out.

You actually do know how to play an instrument. The cowman. Check out the cowman. But it's not a jazz musician necessarily instrument. I guess you can throw some guitar in some jazz music,

but it's always like. I heard some horrible jazz, by the way. Where? It was outside of, oh my goodness, I'm forgetting the name of the bar.

It's right on Graham Street in Williamsburg. It was just atrocious. It was quite funny. Anyway, that's my story. Technically, everything's jazz if you think about it right now. How? It's right on Graham Street in Williamsburg. It was just atrocious. It was quite funny. Anyway, that's my story. Technically, everything's jazz, if you think about it right enough. How? It's about the notes you don't play.

Yeah. Well, they should have hit the ones they weren't playing. Whoa. Because those must have been the good ones. There really is nothing worse than bad jazz. Oh, man. They just were not connecting. You could just tell.

I think they must have had a Fleetwood Mac situation happening or something. Yeah, just fucking and sucking on each other and just getting upset with each other. Yeah, there was some anger in the room, or I don't know what the hell happened. But the drummer was, he was ting-ting-tinging along. So that's kind of funny. Grubba R says, I want to shout out and thank my buddy Will Yeager for introducing me to podcasts,

mainly CCR ones. Love all of the shows and your Twitch stream, Holden. Last podcast and roundtable gave me through my work day. Thank you all, especially Marcus, Ben, the Bird Luger, and the lovely Jackie, Ed too, Holden. Last podcast and roundtable gave me through my work day. Thank you all, especially Marcus, Ben, the Bird Luger, and the lovely Jackie, Ed too, I suppose. What's going on? I don't know.

I hate Ben. We were gone for too long. I don't know why. I've never heard this much against you. What am I doing? What's wrong? You're potentially the nicest one of all of us. Sancho Suitcase says,

Holdenators ho? Question mark? Roundtable is the cat's tits. Tell Ben I'd love to live in his shoes. Tell Marcus he's my favorite human coyote and we share a birthday so ain't that some shit. Tell Jackie that she is my waifu

and Holden kiss Ed right on the lips. That's right, you and Ed have earned that. Hail Satan, y'all. I guess that's better. So again, it's not really a compliment. Is this Holden? Kiss Ed right on the lips. That's right. You and Ed have earned that. Hail Satan, y'all. I guess that's better. So again, it's not really a compliment. Is this Holden? Is this the best I'm getting? I don't know.

And I got one last one short but sweet. Kingmob1911, please ask Ben not to stand in front at shows. I don't stand in front at shows. It's heightism. I actually read an article. Oh my God. It was like in Jezebel or Salon. Demonizing tall people.

The article was like, should tall people be banned from venues? And it was really mean-spirited, and it hurt my feelings a lot. I get so self-conscious about it, man. I just stand right in the back. Yeah, I go in the back. Yep. I hate it. Hang by the bar.

Hang by the bar, always in the back. I mean, we can see everything. And concerts are obviously loud. But, yeah, it really sucks. And you're by the bar, and you're by the restrooms. I don't understand it anymore. I was in eighth grade during my growth spurt. We used to do the mosh pits, nothing but Pantera, all those kinds of things at our dances.

And I remember the day I got one inch too tall and I just threw my friend across the room. And then I no longer moshed. Oh, man. That was fun being big in a mosh pit, though. Yeah, until everyone starts not being friends with you. It's fun being skinny In a mosh pit though Yeah until everyone Starts not being friends With you It's fun being skinny In the mosh pit too

Yeah I wouldn't know I'll tell you what's not I'll tell you what's not fun Being in a mosh pit Being a minority This happened one time I think I might have Told this story before

But I remember it was like At high school And there was like We were at some event And there was a mosh pit Forming And me and my friend Juan, we were just caught in the middle. Everyone was just going crazy throwing all this shit. And then the police came

and took us out. We were just standing there. And they're like, you guys are causing problems. And we're like, what the fuck? And they made us sit. We had to sit at this bench for an hour and a half while all these people were going fucking crazy. And we were just standing there. It's awful. They're not strong enough for you.

Juan's dead now. I can't believe what happened to Juan. Some weird, like he was like an artist and he was over in Europe doing some thing and some weird shit

with where he was living and there was some fungus in the wall. What? Oh my God. Oh my God. Really? That's a weird death.

It's a horrible way to die. Probably wouldn't have happened if the police didn't take us out that mosh pit. Definitely would have. I do blame the cops for that. Yeah, absolutely. Wow.

Wild shit. Indeed. I'll tell you another reason why Wonder Woman sucked. Okay, why? Yeah, because your reasons so far are very good. She didn't save Juan's life, I'll tell you that much. She didn't save Juan's life. Another thing was, as soon as she got over to the real world, everywhere she looked,

oh, what the fuck is this? A watch? I don't understand. Oh, what is this? A car? Oh, what is this? What is it? Like a dragon?

She didn't understand shit, but as soon as she got on that battlefield, she's like, oh, a tank. Let me run towards this tank and rip the shit out of it. I know how to bend the top of it

that shoots out of it and throw this shit into the other people. That's where she was comfortable, Kevin. Well, she'd never seen a tank before, just like she'd never

seen a watch before. Yeah, but if she sees the tank shoot once, she can figure out pretty fast. Oh, no, no, no. She was very perplexed by everything. And she immediately went, I mean, you know, this is, I'm just There was probably some tedious you know, briefings

that they didn't show. There was a briefing moment where they were like, here's what you're going to be facing out there. Another thing, another thing, when they walked into the fucking party for the general, right? They go into the party for the general, right, they go into the party for the general, the whole time she's all,

she doesn't understand nothing about the customs and shit and then the guys, first of all, they're able to convince these people to get into this

party for the general of the German army but say, hey look, I forgot to pass. The guy's like, oh man, I feel bad.

He's like, man, go ahead. That was the dumbest shit I've ever seen. We're more relaxed back in the Weimar Republic. It was a different time.

I know it's a good movie. Atomic Blonde should have got all that love that Wonder Woman got. That movie's fucking awesome. I didn't need to see that. Is this still out? It's barely out still. You got to go run and find it. Who is that?

Charlize Theron. The Ron. Oh, my God. It's so hot in it. It's strong, too. Ed, did you see Dunkirk? I did see it. I saw it twice. It was great. It was classy. Oh, my God. He's so hot and strong, too. Ed, did you see Dunkirk? I did see it. I saw it twice.

It was great. Yeah, it was classy. Yeah, super classy. You can show that in any school. It wasn't too bloody. You know, it wasn't like Hacksaw Ridge where it was just brutal. Hacksaw Ridge was disgusting. Hacksaw Ridge is fucking...

I mean, it's like the first half of it. That's the name of the ridge. Yeah, it is the name of the ridge. But the first half of it's so stupid. It's like the dialogue kind of sucks. You're like, what am I watching? And then they get to Okinawa and it's violent. He's a Mormon or something, isn't he?

A pacifist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a pacifist. He's a Quaker. Is he a Quaker? He's not a Quaker. He's something. I don't remember the name.

Conscientious. Yeah, there it is. Conscientious Objective. Good for him. It's not a religion. It's a point of view, I guess. Ed, you gotta see the directors cut of Dunkirk. Straight up on the boats.

They put tits on all the boats. Human breasts on all the boats. That's right. They're just like, we have to get the milk out of the mobile sink. And so they're just sucking on these dents for no reason. Oh, my goodness. And the milk's just squirting into the faces of all the fucking, what war is it? I don't even know because I haven't seen the movies. World War II.

So they're in the Nazis and the Japanese people or whatever. They're just like, oh, oh, Miss Hottie. It's the English and the Germans. We need to get used to history lessons. As a matter of fact, we need to get you a class full of malleable minds, and you can just teach them history. Yeah, Holden, what happened in the Battle of Dunkirk? Oh, my God, they've got breast bones.

We'll never destroy them. We're trying to shoot them. I want to touch them too much. I want to touch them so big and so hard. Mr. McNally, what happened during the Battle of the Bulge? Battle of the Bulge? I think that was when everybody took the boner pills, right? So they were boning, that was their bulging out,

and they were running across the thing, and then they were just like, oh, we could use these as fucking baseball bats. And then there was the baby army. They trained the German babies, right? Because, you know, it's like fucking who's going to shoot, who's going to hit a baby in the face with a penis? They all had boners, too.

What about the Treaty of Versailles? Just give us what was the Treaty of Versailles. Oh, it was a big mansion. And there was four, they put four breasts on the mansion, right? They were like, oh my god, is this a breast mansion? And then

they gave each other treats. Have you seen boobs lately? It was on Halloween. Most people forget that World War II was all about tits. I didn't know that. Yeah, tits were everywhere in World War II. Does anybody else see Marcus's face as just a breast? Uh-huh. Yeah.

Okay. Diseased breast. Yes. Yes. Heck of a cold sore there. Well, you know Marcus is working hard when his old buddy pops up. Oh, yeah. When the old buddy, that means the stress level has gotten quite high.

Yeah. If Herman the Herpy could talk, I wonder what he would say, though. He would say, Marcus needs more sleep. But he doesn't get it. No. But that's the thing, is that the cold sore always happens after the stress has relieved itself. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I've had a very stressful couple months, and then once I kind of finished my whole thing, that's when the cold sore really comes out. It's like, you can't be happy just yet, mister. It's a little extra kick in the ass at the end. I like that it sounds like a newsy with massive, massive pus. Harry, Harry!

Ed, what does your hemorrhoid sound like? I mean, he's dead. You killed him. Oh, you killed him. Yeah, I mean, I haven't seen him in a while. Maybe he's lost. He could be inside me, you killed him. Yeah, I mean, I haven't seen him in a while. Maybe he's lost. You know, it could be inside me hanging out with my hernia. But for now, you know, I think everything's on the up and up. I feel like this is a conversation that former pro wrestlers have in their 50s. I think that's what we're having.

Kevin, how are you doing? Technically, we're not to you yet. Yeah, you know, they also didn't check IDs at this party for this German general. I know they did. They didn't check IDs. Who cares? She puts on. I know they did. They didn't check IDs. Who cares? She puts on the dress of this lady who looks entirely different than her. There's no pat down?

She wears a sword in her back like it's all good? It's the middle of a war. It's World War II. So you walk, a stranger walk up into World War I, you go to one of the highest rank of generals parties, small place. Yeah. Sword in your back. That's the problem you have with it?

I got a lot of problems. He's listed a lot of problems. There's more. My only issue is they didn't show the invisible plane. Yeah. Which she does have one. If you show the invisible plane, then that would be my issue. Shut up, Ed.

That's the thing. I know. But you didn't see her in an invisible plane. I know you can't. Did she have the lasso of truth? She did. Yes. What did she learn from it? Not that much. Is that you can't the lasso of truth. They did she did yeah, what did she learn from it?

Not that much is that kind of like the talking bush What's that? Yeah the bush that talks the singing bush? What is it? What? Connection are you making in your mind right the Bible? Yeah? In your mind how is the burning bush and the lasso of truth connected? It's a talking inanimate object. The lasso of truth does not talk. Then how does she hear it?

Then how does she learn? The person talks. How does she learn about it? It's sort of a Jedi mind trick. She wraps you up in the lasso of truth, and then she asks questions, and they have to tell the truth. It's more like sodium pentothal than it is, like the burning bush. It's also a big allegory for bondage, because the guy who created Wonder Woman

is, like, super into S&M. And he had two women lovers. He was in a polygamous relationship. When was the last time you touched your fiancée? I think it was breasts. I think it was breasts. Kevin, so you're doing well? Oh, yeah, I'm here, man. It is me. Kevin, so you're doing well? Oh, yeah, I'm here, man.

It is me, Kevin. Fuck yeah. I will, as I remember them, update y'all on problems I had with Wonder Woman. I have a big announcement. I am headlining a stand-up comedy show. What? October 20th. Really?

Yeah, so Eddie, we got to work on some zingers, some poppers. Where? In Ohio. Ohio? Which is a four-letter word. Where in Ohio? Cleveland. Cleveland?

Yes. I've always wanted to go to Cleveland. You have? Yeah. Why? Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Dirty Punk shows. Oh. Drew Carey.

Yeah. There's a lot of good burgers. They got a lot of good burgers in Cleveland. They got burgers out there? A lot of burgers. A lot of burgers. A lot of burgers. Hell yeah. They do some good burger bits then.

Hell yeah. That's great, man. There's that big stinky lake. What's that one called? Is it Erie? Yeah, like Erie? Yeah. I don't know.

It's stinky. I know that much. All right. Especially by Cleveland. Meemee and Bobeck on the Drew Carey show is from my hometown of Stevens Point, Wisconsin. Wow. There you go. One time I went to Cincinnati, thought it was Cleveland, found out it wasn't.

Broke my heart. Actually, Kevin, I've got a story for you. Let's do that. Before we start, though, how far into this episode are we at with just the introductions? 33 minutes. Wow. We got 17 minutes of stories. Hell yeah.

It's a bird story. Oh, no. And in fact, it's a follow-up bird story. The Michigan woman who killed her husband purportedly with their pet parrot as the sole witness has been sentenced to life in prison. I've said this about parrots.

They're snitches. I have said this before and I'll say it again. You can never commit a crime when a parrot's around. Unless you kill the parrot. What kind of parrot do you think it is? African gray. It absolutely is an African gray. Beautiful, man. That is great.

So what did it say? Can you trust? Do you put a parrot on the stand? How the hell does this work? I literally want to know. Well, Glennon Durham, 49, of Sand Lake, was sentenced Monday after a jury. You can't do that.

You can't. Sand Lake? You can't. You can live in Sand Lake. It's a beach. It's a quick can't. You can live in Sand Lake. It's a beach. Yeah, the beach is sand. All right.

Sand Lake. I feel like Lake is a state of mind, man. Absolutely. Could be. Glenna Durham, 49, of Sand Lake, was sentenced Monday after a jury found her guilty of first-degree murder and a felony firearm charge in July. Martin Durham, 46, was shot five times and killed in May 2015. Glenna Durham suffered a head wound in what prosecutors later said was a failed suicide attempt. The parrot,

named Bud, was sent to live with Durham's ex-wife, Christina Keller, who became convinced that the bird had witnessed Glenna shooting Marty. She claimed the bird screeched, don't fucking shoot. Bud was also heard screaming, no, no, in a voice that resembled Marty's. Oh, my God.

It was traumatizing for the bird. How long ago is this? I remember this story. Well, she just got sentenced yesterday. Oh, shit. It was two years ago that the parrot first took the stand. See, that's the thing about birds. A lot of people think they want birds. A lot of people think

they want seeds. A lot of people think they want trees. But the truth of it all is that they want justice. Bird justice. What is it with these things? Did the bird know what it was saying? I don't know if the bird... Do you think the bird was preferred Marty over the wife? I have no idea.

It sounds like it was a crazy traumatic experience for the bird and it started screaming about it. Yeah. I don't think we give enough credit. It's having a nightmare. Yeah. Don't fucking shoot. Wow.

Yeah. So you can train a bird to just say anything. Yeah. Huh. Apparently. Look at that. He was probably screaming that, though. He was probably screaming, don't fucking shoot.

Right. Don't fucking shoot. Don't fucking, no, no. And then, boom, five times. Because a lot of times, they will pick up on shit that's, like, very unusual. Like, usually, you have to train it to say stuff. But if something really unusual happens, it might just start, you know, saying that. Like, it'll remember, if it's traumatic to the bird, it'll remember the thing and start

saying it a lot. So that was traumatic for the bird. Yeah. Uh-huh. Well, the bird's ranting prompted speculation that Bud could somehow be called to testify. Yes. But prosecutors said that wouldn't happen.

As it turned out, prosecutors wouldn't need Bud as Glenna was convicted of first-degree murder after a Nuevo County jury deliberated for eight hours. The bird will continue to live with Marty's ex-wife. But it's haunted, and forever this wife will have to live that scenario, the ex-wife. Well, I think the bird stopped yelling that. I don't think the bird is continuing to yell

no, no, don't fucking chew. I guess maybe it knows the trial is done. I don't know. This is the Echo Dot of the animal kingdom though, huh? I guess so. Echo Dot? Echo Dot. What's Echo Dot? You don't know what Echo Dot is? It's a little hockey puck that records everything that you do. My brother gave me one but I don't even have gas in my apartment. Wait, huh? I guess so. Echo Dot? Echo Dot. What's Echo Dot? You don't know what Echo Dot is? It's a little hockey puck that records everything that you do. My brother gave me one, but I don't

even have gas in my apartment. Wait, what? The Echo Dot. What do you mean it records everything? It records everything. I bought $90 worth of Papa John's on Saturday. $90? Yeah. And I'm eating two pieces a day. So it's a cooking device? No! It's a little machine

that you can say, play Leonard Skinner. Play, you know, whatever. Oh, okay. So it's like Alexa device? No. It's a little machine that you can say, play Leonard Skinner. Play, you know, whatever. Oh, okay. So it's like Alexa. It's like a friend for people who are alone. Okay, I was saying, when you said Echo Dot, I nodded like I knew what you were talking about. All of you nodded like you knew what you were doing. I was pretending.

I have it. I was pretending. It's still in the box. I'll bring it to the studio. We can keep it out. I hate those things. They can be used on the stand, by the way. Yeah, God forbid we have a device that records everything to the studio. No, keep it out. I hate those things. And they can be used on the stand, by the way. Yeah, God forbid we have a device that records everything in this studio.

Exactly. $90, huh? With a Papa John's. $81, $9 tip. You eat two. By yourself? $81 and $9 tip? It should be more than that.

No, no, no. It's a block away from my house. So you eat two pizzas a day? No, I eat two pieces of the pizza and then some at night. So that's more than two. You have two pieces and then you have the other. You eat whatever you count. What you mean to say is you eat two pieces of pizza when the sun is up.

And then other times I don't have the sun. And when it's bad to eat it, he eats more. Late at night. Or what I've been doing is eating a lot of carrots as well. Good for you. Taking a bite of pickle. Taking a bite of carrot. I actually hate pickles.

Eat a whole pizza. Eat a pizza. Yeah. Why do you get Papa John's? You live in New York City. Papa John's is some good quality pizza. Both of you. With the best, greatest pizza.

I enjoy Papa John's as well. It really is good pizza. Greatest pizza. It's not good pizza, but it is good. It John's as well. It really is good pizza. Greatest pizza. It's not good pizza, but it is good. It's the butter sauce. It's good junk. I'm not, yeah, we just have, we live around. It's not food.

Papa John's is not food. No, it's food. Every block has the best pizza you've ever had in this city. Oh, that's not true, man. Stop being such an elitist snob. Every block. What, do you want to eat at Roberta's? What are you, gay?

Yes. I fucking eat the pizza with a fucking long cock shoved right in my ass. Look at that. I heart New York. I like it. I like it. I don't approve of that kind of slander, though, but that's okay. I just scream Rudy Giuliani while I'm just getting slammed eating

a slice of New York pie. Yeah. Fucking guy dangling a bag of cocaine feet in front of me just being like are we going to the disco? Long hot nights

in the city. Absolutely and I'm not thrilled until it's poking on my fucking stomach on the front of my stomach and then I'm thrilled. Like an alien, yeah.

And then I'm absolutely thrilled. No, Papa's in the house. That's the whole thing. I'm getting gas, though. We also don't currently have a kitchen light. I'm getting that fixed, too. What are you getting gas for? I'm going to get gas so I don't have to buy Papa John's all the time.

Dave, you're not going to cook. When are you cooking? Have you ever tried to cook? Yeah, I've tried to cook. Oh, my God. What have you ever cooked? Oh, anything that Holden had in the fridge when we lived together. He put that in the microwave and heated that up.

I remember that day when you made us all, you had us over for spiked cider. And you put a whole box of cinnamon sticks inside of it. That was good cider. No, it was awful. It was cinnamon sticks. What? You never told me that before. With a bottle of whiskey in it. You told me That was good cider. No, it was awful. It was cinnamon syrup. What? You never told me that before. With a fucking bottle of whiskey in it.

You told me it was good. You put a whole box of cinnamon sticks in it. That's too much cinnamon. You need one cinnamon stick. You need maybe two cinnamon sticks. And it was syrup. You told me you liked it. Well, because we all got wasted off of it.

But we were also on such a fucking sugar high because of all the fucking cider and all the fucking sediment in it. This is, wow. That was the only thing I ever. I'm coming clean. Holy, I thought it was the only thing I ever made that was good. What about the mushroom ice cream?

That was mostly the ice cream that made that good. That mushroom ice cream, it was the end of her bag of special fun mushrooms. And it was just like mushroom dust. They were low level, too. This is not like some good shit. And he put them into a pint of ice cream and stirred it all up. Strawberry ice cream, if I remember correctly. Didn't you put strawberry syrup on top?

That's a tough one, yeah. I mean, you ate it And we talked to you In two days Yeah You ate on that For what like Two or three weeks

We talked about it Here on the show As it was happening No I don't know How long No everyone was Participating in that I just put it on the fridge

No I remember you Specifically saying That you were eating it Alone A lot Huh Well yeah because We would just open up

The freezer And pop mushrooms In our mouth And go on with our day. Yeah. I do that. I'll go to the movies. Everything in moderation. Yeah.

But then I don't do that anymore because I think we had too much ice cream. I think I don't eat ice cream anymore. You're right. That was what the problem was, too much ice cream. You don't eat ice cream anymore? No, I actually do. I actually like ice cream quite a bit. But, yeah, that was a bit But yeah That was a good time

That was a different time Holden It was 100% a different time Than Ben Kissel My roommate I feel like in LA There's just too many drugs I remember one time I was told I was going to a barbecue By the beach

And I get there and there's this opium den, and all these people are snorting coke in circles. And there was this punch there, and I almost drank it, but the punch was full of acid. Oh, don't do that. I was drinking that. And I'm sitting there, hung out there for a couple hours. I'm like, what the fuck kind of commune am I in?

And I got there at 5 p.m. We hung out until like 11 o'clock or whatever. And they all walked to the beach, and they brought strobe lights and house music. It was crazy. But they get there and there's a bunch of families around and everybody's on acid. And then they actually did start a grill and some burgers. That's interesting. Usually people don't eat on acid.

Especially not meat. Yeah, I love it. Yeah? Absolutely. I'll do it. I don't care. I've never done it. Pizza on mushrooms is pretty fantastic. Pizza? Oh love it. Yeah? Absolutely. I'll do it. I don't care. I've never done it. Pizza on mushrooms is pretty fantastic.

Pizza? Oh, with the mushrooms on top of the pizza. Well, no, you've already been eating a lot of mushrooms, and then you get some pizza. It's pretty fantastic. The only mildly good tasting, well, there's no good tasting mushrooms, but that stuff that we did when we had to perform on stage, Murder Fist performed, Oh, yeah. And I had to do stand-up on Shroom. What was the name of that show? The purple throbbing ones?

Yeah, that was amazing. That stuff was incredible. What was the name of the guy? Midnight Run. Yes, Midnight Run. And what was the name of the guy? Andy Hanks? Oh, Trippie.

Trippie, that was his name. It was literally a guy named Trippie. And it was... Joe. No, no, the guy that we got the stuff from. Oh, okay. I thought it was Little Crazy Joe. No. No, it was Trippie. Oh. Yes, no, the guy that we got the stuff from. Oh, okay. I thought it was little crazy Joe. No.

No, it was trippy. Oh. Yes, and everyone was so disappointed because they were very tiny. Yes, for like way too long. Like any amount of time with a person like that is way too long. And remember everyone was so upset and then that was kind of a magical. I yelled at Marcus and Marcus got mad and wanted to punch me. I really did.

You were just being mean for no reason. I wasn't being. I really did. You were just being mean for no reason. I wasn't being mean for no reason. You were being pretty mean for no reason. That's not true. You were being extremely mean for no reason. You were being sensitive. I was not being sensitive. You were being sensitive.

Oh, no. We were all sitting in a circle, and everyone was talking, and then I said something, and you interrupted me and said, Marcus, no one cares what you have to say. Whoa. Well, maybe you were saying something that wasn't to be cared for. I will never forget that. Thank God. Marcus was sober.

He remembers. No, he wasn't sober. I had had some mushrooms. Oh, okay. Ruined my trip. Oh, man. No, I did not ruin your trip. Monster Ben.

No, that's not... He's got a mental illness. He can trip whenever he wants to. It's your fault. Conflation, Ben. Conflation? You're conflating a mental illness. He can trip whenever he wants to. It's your fault. Conflation, Ben. Conflation. You're conflating my mental illness with my ability to trip. Well, this was about eight years ago, and you know what?

He never showed up to WrestleMania. What are you talking about? He didn't show up to my WrestleMania party. That was just me. Are we airing grievances right now? Are we throwing down? We're throwing grievances out. Did you miss Marcus's birthday one time?

I was busy. You missed my 30th birthday. He'll turn 30 again. You know what? I'll be there for your 60th, which is 30 times two. Trying and failing, I might add, to sleep with the one. Oh, my goodness. Oh, please.

This is ridiculous. Ridiculous. Wow. I can't believe how bad you are to Marcus. The alligator. All the things I've done for you. All the things I've done for you. Oh, my God.

I want more grievances. Those are the grievances. That's pretty much it. Jackie, do you have any grievances against Ben? Against me? I just yelled at him about the cider. I just yelled at him for his cider. You always thought I liked the cider. I served you booze with a bunch of cinnamon sticks and cider.

I still drank it. I didn't say anything about it. I drank the whole fucking thing. It wasn't bad. It was awful. I didn't have any. Well, you know what? Well, you know what?

That is fine I'm having another party Oh really Yeah I'm gonna get gas And we are having a party And we are making cider I got an issue With every one of you

What is it Like this is probably Eight years ago as well Even more than that Maybe nine years or something No one came to my third Caroline's bringer No one came to my third Caroline's Bringer.

No one came to the third one. Not one of them. A bringer is when a comedy club makes a struggling stand-up comedian bring his friends to a comedy show. No one came. You missed out because Bill Burr was the host. Is that true? Yes.

He actually was the host. When you did stand-up comedy, didn't you have a bit where you just humped the floor for two minutes? I would go, everybody clap your hands and get everybody clapping in a motion like this. And then once I got the whole room clapping, it was my big closer, I would just lay flat on my

stomach and just dry hump the floor and moan and just go, until they'd stop. And the thing was, most of the times They wouldn't stop I just kept going There it is You really did this

Yes Tell Kevin The best part about this bit What about That was What I just went Until they wouldn't stop Who has the bit now

Oh Dan St. Germain Bought that bit for me He did Literally It's the only time I've ever sold a bit He bought that bit

He bought the bit $50 And maybe used I don't know Maybe used it once Yeah I think I sold a bit. He bought that bit. He bought the bit. $50. I don't know. Maybe he used it once. Yeah, I think I got like $50. He gave you $50 cash, and you let him do that bit. And I never did the bit again. Oh, my God.

Seriously? Yes. Why would he want that bit? He's a comedian. It's an awesome bit. It's a horrible bit. People loved that bit. They hated everything else I did.

They never, nobody wanted me. Everybody didn't like me. But I went into that bit and I'd get some laughs. So, St. Germain, did he see you at the Caroline's Bringer? No. The first time I met Dan St. Germain was at an open mic at the, was it at the Lantern? The Village Lantern, maybe, or one of those places. No, I think it was that other place that nobody, that doesn't.

507 Bar. 507, and then there was that fucking, well, whatever. Anyway, it was a place in the village where I first met him, and it was at an open mic, and I did that bit. And he bought it from you. Maybe he just bought it so it would never get done again. Maybe. Maybe, yeah.

For those who don't know, Dan St. Germain, very funny, very talented stand-up comedian. Also one of the saddest people of all time. And so this makes so much sense. Good guy, friend of the show, friend of the show. And now it's time for a segment from Home McNeely. All right. You have to be in a sexual position with any dead celebrity,

and they are in their dead form. When have you had sex with your fiancée? You have to be in a sexual position. You have to have sex in a specific position with their dead form. When have you had sex with your fiance? You have to be in a sexual position. You have to have sex in a specific position with a dead celebrity. That celebrity, by the way, is in their current dead state. Okay? Okay.

What's the position? Who's the celeb? Okay? Oh. Okay. What are you doing? For me? Yeah.

Princess Di. Uh-huh. And, um, it'll be like Eiffel tower except for on the butt and it'll just be a basketball uh pole uh for a basketball goal it'll be the butt part and then i'll be the mouth side do you get it marcus i get a dildo on a pole? You're just shoving a pole up it. But you have to

high five the pole. She's not getting the pole. Nothing's getting in or she's just kind of up against the pole. Does it not count then? I don't think it works. I don't know if that's an eye fall.

I think you're just kind of making a corn dog. Okay. She's backwards. She's a skeleton, by the way. So whatever.

You can kind of do a lot. She could have been preserved well. You think she's preserved that well where she's not a skeleton at this point because she's a princess. Yeah. way. You can kind of do a lot. She could have been preserved well. You think she's preserved that well where she's not a skeleton at this point because she's a princess. Okay, this is what it is. She might not be dead. Handstand.

Handstand and I'm behind her. She's doing the handstand? Yes. She's doing the handstand. I'm behind her and I'm getting on the butt. You're eating her ass? No, I'm... Eddie, come on. She's doing a handstand. How are you going to fuck her in her ass? No, I'm... Eddie, come on. No, but she's doing it not like this. How are you going to

fuck her in the ass? I'm sorry, but it doesn't make any sense. What are you talking about? This one doesn't make much sense. Let's give it another go. Come on, come on. Let's give it another go.

How are you going to bang Princess Di's corpse? Why don't we just change the whole situation? Change the whole situation. Change the whole situation. I know it's corpse? Why don't we just change the whole situation? Let's change the whole thing. Let's get something. I thought it was a good one. Let's just cycle through.

Okay. Let's do another one. I haven't had any interaction with a human for weeks. Okay. You have to give breasts to a single. Oh, my God. Can you think anything other than boobs? Okay.

Okay. Let's say. Okay. How's about this? You have to give breasts to a famous building. Ooh. Okay. Okay, let's say... Okay, how's about this? You have to give breasts to a famous building. Ooh. Okay. Architecture.

We're talking... Well, now he can just say the Eiffel Tower again. Holding can literally have the same answer. What's happening here? I'm sorry. Have we gotten this stupid? No segment. No segment.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No segment. No segment. You want to give segment. No segment. No segment. You want to get booed into a building? I think what Marcus is saying is right. You are killing

Marcus Holden. I think what Marcus is saying is right. Let me compose myself here. A scientist has figured out how to make gigantic breasts.

Biologically. Fuck yeah he has. And he can make them as big as he wants. Hell yeah he can. Or she can make them as big as he wants. Hell yeah, he can. Or she can make them as big as he wants. Thank you.

It might be a female scientist who would know more about breasts. Women? Women, I would say. So she has figured out how to make gigantic breasts of any size, and you have to put these gigantic human female breasts on a famous building. Oh, I got it. I immediately had it. It can actually be a full tower. I want to know why you a famous building. Oh, I got it. I immediately had it. You can actually be

on a full tower again. I want to know why you picked the book. And you have to explain why you're putting gigantic female breasts on this building. How come I can't,

first of all, how come I can't have sex with her up her butt if she's doing a handstand and she's back face, not face? Is she short? Sure, I mean,

maybe she's... She's on a handstand. Her ass is up on a fucking ladder. She can give you a blowjob when she's doing a handstand. She's back face not facing. Is she short? I mean, maybe she's. She's on a handstand. I'm on a fucking ladder. She can give you a blowjob when she's doing a handstand. She's a princess. How tall am I with a handstand? Just give us the. Sydney Opera House.

Really tall. She was really tall. Sydney fucking Opera House. Why? Why? Why? Why is Sydney Opera House? I have to say why?

Yeah. It's exotic. Also, they're playing music in there constantly. What does music make? Vibration. What are those breasts doing? Jiggling. Kevin, let's get this over with.

That's good. Good. I'd have to go. I mean, it's easy. I go with a Statue of Liberty. And I put the breasts. But that's not a building. That's a monument.

No. And you can go inside of it, man. There's stairs. That is a building. You could live in it. If you go inside of it, it's a building. So you put breasts on top of the breasts, and you put another pair of breasts on top of that,

and then we change the national anthem to my trap song, Breast on Breast on Breast. A lot of them there. Let's do, I don't know, maybe a Sears Tower or something like that. Maybe the Capitol building. Why not? The United States Capitol. No, Madison, Wisconsin. The Capitol building in Madison, that. Maybe the Capitol building. Why not? The United States Capitol. No, the Madison

Wisconsin. The Capitol building in Madison Wisconsin. The Wisconsin Capitol building. Yeah, just put two boobs on there. It's fun. It's cold. Oh yeah, the nipples will be harder always. I know, so that you know the temperature as well. I'm going fucking Epcot ball.

Fucking slaps and fucking tits on that. Is that a building? Yeah, because it's a that. Is that a building? Yeah. Yeah. That's absolutely inside of it. Yeah, that's a ride,

yeah. Yeah, again, also vibrating all the time, but also, is it like Mickey ears, quote unquote,

from different sides, but also just these huge, sweaty, sweaty breasts? My problem is, I think she'd get arrested for that, because there's kids there,

and that's exposure to a minor. You can see a nipple. I didn't say they were naked breasts. Okay. I mean, the breasts can be minor naked breasts. That makes me kind of sad. Well, Ed?

You want clothed breasts on your building? No, I'm saying I want naked breasts. Oh, yeah. It's sad to think he's going to cover some breasts up. I mean, these are going to be visible for miles around. I mean, we're not putting like regular C-cups on the Sears Tower. We're putting proportional breasts on these things. Yeah, that's true.

I would say the building next to my apartment. That's a good one. Just look out the window and they're always there. There you go. We're putting them on Epcot. Oh! Jackie's a Browski with the win. I haven't gotten a win in a while, guys.

Yeah, you have. I haven't. You're always winning. No, I haven't gotten one in a while. I love Epcot. Oh, I've never been. Epcot's great. You've never been?

Never been. A lot of fun. They got rid of Figment, though. That sucks. Yeah, but they got that Mission to Mars ride with fucking Gary Sinise. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. I haven't seen it.

They also just closed down the Great Movie Ride. Whatever. Oh, what? I'm going to wrap it up here. Anything to plug, everyone plug whatever they want to. Twitch.tv forward slash Holdenator Show. Officially finally got every member of the round table on my stream, so there you go. You can go check it all out there, Kevin.

I got nothing. Nothing, right? Well, I think I'm doing shows in Minneapolis. It's 10 or 21st, 23rd. There it is. I had this place called Sisyphus, I think. Oh, yeah. I know that place.

Sisyphus? Yeah. Sisyphus, like the guy with the ball. Oh, okay. Sisyphus. Ben, you got stand-up? We got stand-up September 12th. Get out there and vote on the primary day.

Follow me on Twitter, at Ben Kissel. I'll keep everyone updated on all that stuff. I ain't got, you stuff. You know my shit. This is a page seven. Yeah, brighter side. Rock and roll, man. Go out there and listen to some music. That's what I say. It's the end of summer. Go catch a concert. There it is.

I'll just piggyback on that. Go do the music. Alright, everyone. I guess that's it. We'll talk to you soon. Alright. For more shows like the one you just listened to go to