The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 341: Bagels and Cream Cheese

Episode Date: September 10, 2017

The gang learns about a gang of nurses who got a little too raunchy, a forgetful drunk who accidentally reported his car stolen, and Florida hurricane safety.

The round table. Gentlemen. Aye. Let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? I am a quail. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day, what's the topic of discussion?

Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Let's get this out of here. What are we doing?'s get us out of here. What are we doing? Yeah, get out of here. All right, well, this is the roundtable. We have to do a prayer. Yeah, Holden's praying.

Oh, no, Marcus is praying. I prayed last week. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to re-continue the prayer. We discontinued the prayer for a while, but now we're re-continuing it. We don't have popular demand. People want to see us.

People freaked out. Four to 22 people freaked out on Facebook. That's enough for me. Okay. And this prayer goes to the people that freaked out about it on Facebook. Dear Lord, let them all find the peace that, but goddammit,

Holden, stop pulling my cord. He's pulling his mic cord. Holden doesn't want Marcus talking right to the people. Very interesting. I'm cutting the mics. Wow. I'm cutting all the mics. No more mics on the podcast.

Build in this camera. Find peace, happiness, and love. Amen. Amen. Wow. Positive. Powerful. I'm feeling positive today.

My fucking cold sore is right at the end of its circle. Wow. Pubert the cold sore. Oh, yeah. What a fantastic. Pu Pubert the cold sore. Oh, yeah. What a big circle it was. Oh, yeah. It's been wonderful. I talked about it a little bit on Top Hat.

We're at the scab stage right now, which means it is at its most virulent. Wait, can you pick it off there? No, it doesn't want to die. You've been reading too much. Virulent. Vicious. Violent.

Oh, yeah. It's virulent. That means that it is right now I can infect all of you much better than I could when it was full of pus. Marcus, does it feel good to be a biological weapon? It feels okay. Cool. Yeah, it does feel okay, but it's just bad for pictures. Have you had a crippling, disgusting disease?

Yeah. Your whims. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You shouldn't be outside. You shouldn't even be walking fast. You should be wearing that quarantine suit that Keebuck gave us. Do you know exactly when you got it?

Yes. Oh, yeah. Youthful indiscretion, we might say. Oh. Yeah. All right. You went to the Singapore of Texas. When a woman gave me fair warning and I said, I don't care.

Oh. Yes. Bold, brave man. Bold, brave, and full of cocaine. There you go. That'll do it. I don't care. I don't care. No, I get fever blisters all the time.

I get those. Fever blisters. I get those. I've had them before. I probably have it all right, so let's just do it. Cool, tough guy. And then a few days later, the sickest I've ever been in my life. Really?

Oh, dude, it's like. You get sick? Yeah. Well, like chicken pox is herpes. Yeah, it's a virus. So you get, you have, like, you can't swallow. You got them all over your face. Good to know.

Or around your mouth. Yeah. On your face? Well, not on your face, but they kind of, they'll travel outwards of the lip just a little bit. This one here. This one that I got right here. This is one of the worst I've ever gotten.

You know, they say that God works in mysterious ways, but sometimes he doesn't. You got exactly what you deserve. Oh, absolutely. You're like the Dirty Harry of STD recipients. I don't care. I don't care. Whatever.

No, God did smite me for my sin. That's good. How are you, Jackie Zebrowski? This is the round table of gentlemen, but people know that because there's an intro to the show, but we still do it. Is there an intro? Yeah, there's a whole intro. It's like, puh, puh, puh, puh, puh, puh, puh, puh, puh. It's the fucking round fucking table.

Fucking shut the fuck up. Your fucking job sucks. Listen to the table, you stupid fucking moron. That seems a little mean-spirited there, Holden. Your apartment costs way too much. Well, that's a personal

diss. There it is. I think it's fairly jocular. That's an upbeat song. I think we should use it. I don't know about jocks. Jocks used to beat me up all day long in high school, so I think jocular's a shitty phrase. P.S. I was't know about jocks. Jocks used to beat me up all day long in high school, so I think jocular is a shitty phrase. P.S. I was thinking about this when you said amen. Where's

the A women? Equality. Ben Kissel. Ben Kissel. Bring it to the platform. A woman. A woman. A man. It's just tough to... It's harder to say.

A woman. A woman. A woman. A man. It's just tough to... It's harder to say. It is harder. A woman. A woman. It'll be fine. All right. A woman. A woman. How about a person? A person.

I like that. You're right. Yeah, because then if a man will say a woman, then we're... How about a girl, which is used for both upliftment and street harassment? A bit of both. How you doing, Jackie? I'm doing great, man. Yeah? Hell yeah. You look happy. You look beautiful. Thank you very much Jackie? I'm doing great, man. Yeah?

Hell yeah. You look happy. You look beautiful. Thank you very much. No cold sores yet. Yay! Stay away from Marcus. Stay away from Marcus.

Do not drink from my water bottle. Don't worry, I won't. And believe you me, she is being disgusting. I got all the goods. Hey, come on. I got all the goods. The hot goss, right? Clap trap All the good. The hot goss. Clap trap over here.

You shared hot goss with Holden? I didn't mean to. The world will hear about this. Oh, I smelled the hot goss when it walked on Jackie when she walked into my apartment last night. Oh, my. This is the point where I tell Henry to shut off the podcast and then please go into great detail, Holden. Not disgusting any of the goss. Oh, my goodness. Henry to shut off the podcast and then please go into great detail holding. Not disgusting.

I don't see any of the goss. Oh my goodness. Jackie Gosling over here. I'll take that. I'm going to start being like the guy in Drive. I'm never going to talk and I'm only going to blow people's heads off. So you're doing good. Yeah, they're dicks is what I meant.

Yeah, I'm fine. Wonderful. Thank you. No problem. Yeah, they're dicks is what I meant. Oh. Yeah, I'm fine. Wonderful. Thank you. No problem. I like your hair today. Thank you. Your little kind of ponytail. Yeah, I got a cheerleader thing going on.

Yeah. Got smanging to do later. Okay. You got spunk. Thank you. I'm going to get spunk. Okay. Oh, my goodness.

Covered it. Oh, my God. It's like the original fucking round table. I was about to say, man. It's like we went back round table. I was about to say, man. It's like we went back in time. I'm not as drunk anymore, though. Here on the show. If Jackie stood up right now,

the chair would be stuck to her. I do love that all of our version of adulting is like, we'll drink in private now. We'll no longer let the world see that side of us. But we're not going full banana this time, are we? Whole banana. No, we're not going full banana this time, are we? Whole banana. No, we're not going whole, but that cannot happen.

Wait, what was whole banana? The whole banana. You don't remember the whole banana? The whole banana. I don't remember the mini rings. Probably for the best. Mini rings. It doesn't surprise me that you don't remember the whole banana.

No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, no, no. No rings this time. Filthy, disgusting. That guy was the worst. Filthy woman. And one of those cowboy hats where the sides came up.

Oh, taco hat. What a fucking shithead. Oh. He was bad. That was a bad one. That was a bad stitch. One of the rings was a Shrek ring, if I remember.

Really? Shrek's ring? All right. Jackie, you cheeky donkey. Oh, my goodness. Let's not rehash the past here. Jackie is doing wonderful. I'm doing great now.

I'm on the ups. That's right. Hell, yeah. Eddie, how are you doing? I'm great. Yeah, you're feeling good? Feeling good. Past is good, too.

Good, yes. That's nice. Yeah, no whole banana in your past. That's true. Don't get haunted at night by the things you've done. I'm working on the future. Should be alright. We'll see what happens.

I flew today. It was fun. Got through security okay? Man, you know what? Actually, I was leaving because you know you gotta pick up the Uber at a departure. Yeah. I was like, well, fuck this.

I'm going to go upstairs and, you know, sneak through. I tried to sneak through security, like going the wrong way. I'm like, I'm just trying to get out of here. I'm just trying to get out of here. There's a fully functioning exit, though. I know, but you couldn't find it. I couldn't find it. So I was just like starting to go through that way.

You can't find it. The airport is filled with Simon. Let me go. It's easier to get out than it is to stay in there. You can go through again, even though I just landed. So you went through security twice. That's one of the craziest things I've ever heard. Why would you do that?

Because I was trying to find a shortcut. Through the airport. You went through security, full security, full security for a shortcut. By accident. I didn't mean to do it. And then when you got

through security, then you left. Then you just left. Yeah. That is horrifying in some strange way. I was telling him, I was like,

just let me leave. I'm just trying to leave. They're like, well, now you gotta go through security. I was like, wait,

that doesn't make sense because you weren't doing your job. I gotta go through security. So what if you had like a package that you had checked and then you just did that and left? Isn't that how all that stuff works?

Would they have, what happened? Did you mess up somebody's flight? I don't know, but I got out of there. It turns out they have the cars pick you up at arrivals now anyway. Yeah, no kidding. Where else would they pick you up? No, they only did it at departures. It was at departures?

Oh, okay. They fixed it, you know, and that's good. All right, very good. But then your Uber was pulled

over. Then my Uber got pulled over. Oh, my goodness. It's been a fine day. A fine day.

Dear God, help us all. Holden Nader's Ho, how is it everybody on there and out there? Welcome to the

block that you've been waiting for since you pressed play on this podcast. Heard that theme song twice. Uh-huh.

Naya says, Holdenators, ho, ho, ho. Get your shit together. Tell Marcus his teeth are fine the way they are. Thank you. Tell Ben to stop boiling himself alive in that suit jacket. I'm concerned about that. It is hot. Squirty Bird gets the worm in all caps.

Wow. Alex says, PlayStation Network, shout out. Also, I haven't vetted these, so insults could come flying at any moment. Well, you can vet them before you say them. I couldn't. I had to just... That would take just seconds of work. Less than that. You typed them out. You have to see the whole... No, it's a copy and

paste job, Kevin. I learned the shortcuts. I used to type them all out by hand. But that was more like just to like you know when you actually cared yeah so you you just learn right along with us yeah oh pretty much we're all learning right now alex says playstation network shout out oh you fuckers shout out to my boy vincent spike aka president of bins balls you know who shouldn't be let into this country? No, I'm just kidding. Eddie, you are the best human alive, my monkey king. Holden, you are the lizard queen. Holden, you were the lizard queen? Jackie is my hero.

I actually want to run for president of Ben's Balls Next Erection. The debate is on. Well, I like it. I like the debate. He's on. I just want to hear a couple of policy platforms for my balls, and it is possible that you are the next POTUS of these nuts. So is he Asian?

I don't know. I believe he's Australian. That's fine. This is international land. The debates will be hot stuff. Marcus, you are the bone lord of everyone's dreams, and Kevin, you are the bird luger we need, but not the one we deserve.

Thanks for all the shows. Future president of Ben's Balls out. That was a good one. I like that. My balls were lacking leadership for a very long time, and it's nice to have someone there watching out for them. Anarchist Balls. There it is.

Ginny Powerful says, Holdenators, ho! I fucking love CCR and all their shows. I'll listen at the hospital and the doctors if only the old people knew the filth I'm listening to. Anyway, I have to start using a cane more and was hoping for a sick name for it. Could ask the roundtable. Thanks. Herman.

That's great. Imagine there's no pizza. Oh, imagine there's no pizza. And we also got to say, CCR is now LPN. Yeah. We're all together now. Podcast network. We're all together now.

LPN. And everyone's like, well, what happened to CCR? It's like, it is literally the same exact thing. It is. Nothing has changed. It is like three letters. Three letters and a website. But you know what?

You could not have convinced me when I was a child that Hardee's and Carl's Jr. were the same restaurant. I would go to both of them and be like, there's a little difference, though. There is a little difference. But there's no difference. Wait, they're the same thing? Exactly the same restaurant. Yeah, it's just a regional thing. So we're like, there's a little difference though. There is a little difference, but there's no difference. Wait, they're the same thing? Exactly the same restaurant. Yeah, it's just a regional thing. So we're like, lippin'. What's lippin'? That's us.

Last pocket. Oh, yeah. I like it. I like we're lippin'. Like the fat. Yeah, and you're herky. And we should get our own lippins. We should get our own special skull tobacco dip. Yeah. Lppins. We should get our own special skull tobacco dip. Yeah.

Lippins. Lippin' dippin'. Yeah, lippin' dippin' and you put it in your lip. That'd be great. LPN live from the podcast palace. And spit cups. We'll get spit cups out there. Oh man, I can't wait for this merchandising. If you're listening to us all

spitting. Dude, I saw someone listening to us all spitting it. Dude, I saw someone chewing on the subway the other day into a, it's always a clear water bottle for some reason. Yeah. They're showing off.

I guess they're showing off. Ben Kissel, you remember when you horse, double horseshoed snus, right? No, I don't remember that. When you took that gross camel, it was like, it's like skull dip,

but it was in the little baggies. Yeah, the pouches. And he double horseshoed. He put a full set on his upper lip and a full set on his lower lip and proceeded to get very sick. We had some shenanigans back then. I don't remember. You know, if I'm sober, I just don't remember it. That seems like a dead sober thing to do.

P.S. Jackie is a queen. Marcus needs a dog named Barkas Barks. Eddie is cuddle worthy. Jackie is a queen. Marcus needs a dog named Barkus Barks. Eddie is cuddle worthy. Kevin is everything. Ben, I have rescued your son and am now raising him as a Canadian. Please bring on Bobby Pets. Oh, love Bobby Pets.

Our boy. Yes, Chris. Yes, Chris DiStefano. Yes, of course. J3 and 234 says, Holdenators, ho! Had a great time at the Calgary Last Podcast show. You boys are the best. Thank you.

Jackie, I'm a straight female with a lady boner for you. Fuck Doug, marry me. Also, please wish Becky a happy birthday from her sister, Jen. Love you all. All right. Happy birthday, Becky, from your sister, Jen. Frosty88 says, Hey, Holden, Squirty Bird, Jay-Z. That'll happen.

That'll happen. How many are we at now? This seems like seven. Yeah. I did eight total, and I have three after this. What? That one fuck had a real long one. Yeah.

That's true. It was nice, but it was fucking long. It was long. We're nearing on like a six-minute mark here on the shout-outs. Eddie, BirdLuger, Brooklyn Ben, and Bone Diggin' Marcus. You guys rock. Keep up the amazing work. You make my mindless data entry job bearable. Cheers.

Ryan Frost. Thank you for what you're doing for the NSA, Ryan. In no way are you part of the problem. Manash22 says, can I get a shout out to my suck at MC Marisol Coronado? Just tell her I love you bitch I ain't never gonna

Stop loving you bitch By the way I don't know if you're Technically doing the shout out You're just reading The request for the shout out Yeah Damn

BTW We love listening to you guys And think everything You guys do is amazing Keep up the good work Peace out fuckers Afro Man says Oh hi

I love you all I started with last podcast Now I listen to most of the shows Tell Jackie she's queen Marcus is god And I can't be asked Peace out, fuckers. AfroMan says, oh, hi. I love you all. I started with last podcast. Now I listen to most of the shows. Tell Jackie she's queen. Marcus is God. And I can't be asked to write the rest of your names. But you are all awesome.

All right. I appreciate that. From Merry Old England. Peace. And lastly, Amar303 says, oh, shit. Slow talking Morris is back, you fuckers. And Marcus the Jumbo Shrimpp Why did he say his name? And Marcus

The Jumbo Shrimp Are the Southern League South Division Second half champions Oh yeah I think that's a good thing See you guys in Omaha In November

Hail Satan Alright Can't wait for Nebraska And that's been Your welcome For PlayStation Network Shout out Alright

Kevin Barnett How are you doing? Yeah I'm alright man That's good. I'm fine. I regret all of that that happened. I know, it's unbelievable. It's tough. It's right next to me. And then you gotta try and be funny after. Yeah. It's devastating.

It sucks all the fucking carbon dioxide out of me. I could argue it was the worst part of my week. Yep, yep. Shout out. There it is. Yeah, I mean, civil rights heroes had it my week. Yep, yep. Shut up. There it is. Yeah, I mean, civil rights heroes had it easier than you do, Kevin. I don't really know about that, but...

I think that's true. That's good, but you're doing good? I'm doing fine, man. You know. You go to any parties this week? We had the premiere party last night. That's where you went? You went to the Broad City premiere party? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How was that? Oh, it was great, man. The episodes Broad City premiere party. How was that?

It was great, man. The episodes came out real dope. How are you feeling today? Was it an open bar? I drank a lot. Bloated, mostly. Hurt. Today hasn't been that good. It actually got worse a couple seconds ago. I understand. We'll see what we can do for you. No promises.

We're going to take him to the squeezing room. That'd be kind of fun. Ben, how's your week been? It's good. do for you. No promises. Yeah. We got to take him to the squeezing room. That'd be kind of fun. Ben, how's your week been? It's good. It's good. We did some campaigning at the West Indian Day Parade. That is fun.

Yeah. The West Indian Day Parade is if you get a chance to go, please take it because it is like Mardi Gras, but in the middle of Brooklyn. So we did that. And we got September 12th. We got the primary coming up. I did a lot of phone banking, meeting a lot of people. So it's been going well.

We're almost to the primary and I think we can beat these Republicans and that'll be awesome to beat a national political party. Oh, they're not in there. I will tell you that. But we are going to beat them. You're making cold calls? Making cold calls. How does that go? Why don't you call any of us? Because you're not an unaffiliated voter in Brooklyn.

Can I hear? Okay, can we do a... I'll be a callee. You give me a call, and let's go through the motions. Hey, how are ya? I got a funny word in my ass. You know, that's the funniest thing. September 12th, we have a primary coming up.

I'm with the Reform Party. We're no longer a rubber stamp for the Republican Party, and I would love your support. Knock, knock. Okay. Who's there? A Jewish man. Okay. Hello. Hi. Reform Party, September 12th.

Ben Kissel, K-I-S-S-E-L. Go out there and vote for me. Oh, but I tried to take a dump while you were talking, and it won't. Yep. BK for BK.com. BK, F-O-R, BK.com. BK. F-O-R BK.com. Okay. You have my support. Thank you so much. Alright. Who do I

call to make a vote? You have to go to your local precinct polling place on September 12th. They should put breasts on boats. You know what? Do you listen to the round table of gentlemen? I think it was a whole new idea from last week. The police are here.

I got to go. Okay. Thank you for your support. No, it's been, yeah, it's very interesting. Some people like to talk. Some people don't. Some people are just very mean. But you almost give them credit for their coldness.

So it's cool. Yeah, I like it. So yeah, good week on roll. What's the meanest thing someone has said to you? They laugh. Just laugh. You know, just no. And one person was just said, what did they say? I don't care. Or'll laugh. Just laugh. No. One person was just said,

what did they say? I don't care. Or it was disinterested. Yeah, I said, hey, I'm Ben Kislow. I'm running with the Reform Party for Book and Borough President. Disinterested. And then they hung up

and I was like, wow. All right. All right. But I did put call back. Where do you get the phone numbers from? There's a whole database. It all goes into

a whole series of different things. You got to basically buy buy them the state holds hostage these things can't you just get a phone book oh if you can find one but the phone book doesn't say if they're unaffiliated voters or not and this is a closed primary so you can't be republican you can't be green party you can't be libertarian party you can't be republican party you can't be democrat so it's it's only unaffiliated voters so it's a pretty small sample so. Oh, so none of us, so I can't vote. You can't vote. Oh, okay. No, no. But in the general, you can.

So that's kind of the difficult thing. Okay. But I'm a registered independent. Can I vote? Well, that's unaffiliated unless you're registered with the Independence Party, which is very confusing. So you can vote. Yeah!

All right. All right. Get out there. September 12th. BK for BK. Yep. Put me on the phone. I'll put you on the phone.

I don't want to call anyone. Well, the main goal here is to get the Reform Party to no longer be a rubber stamp for the Republican Party and to actually have a viable option going forward in Brooklyn politics. Are you like a different kind of stamp? Like you're like a paper stamp? I don't know. I'm licking a bunch of stamps. Why don't you get the ones that are already sticky?

Oh, that's a good idea. No, so it's great. It's a good experience. Have you tried the tactic of just simply crying when you make a call? Yeah, constantly weeping. Constantly weeping. That's it. I hope that you win, man, so that I can work through you, man, and continue to push the Jamaican agenda.

What are the key tenets of the Jamaican agenda? Oh, we got to have way more curry goat on every block. Oh, my God. I'm talking about we were going to replace- A curry goat on every block. Oh my God. I'm talking about we were going to replace... A curry stand on every block. On every block, man. What's with that goat? Yeah. All the boars had meats and all the delis going to be replaced with jerk chicken. People would be dancing in the streets. Oh my God. Oh, absolutely.

That's wonderful, actually. Every day would be a celebration. Will that not cause a goat shortage, a goat meat shortage in this country? Let me tell you something about goats. Goats is infinite. You can find them everywhere you look. Oh, my God. They're on the mountain.

They're climbing all the buildings. They're on the mountain. They're on top of the buildings. They're in the sand. They're in the ocean. They're everywhere. And they're stable. I love goats.

Brooke and I went to the Prospect Park Zoo, and we got to pet the goats and feed the goats. They lick everything up with their tongues. The goats were great. And we saw a red panda, which is incredible. It's pretty great. You know, if you Google Brooklyn goats, first thing comes up, Prospect Park. There it is. Okay, after kosher goat milk.

Oh, we talked about both of those things. Produce wholesaler. There it is. They only sell kosher goat milk. The Prospect Park Zoo is cool, but there was one toucan that was in a cage. It was behind glass, and it was missing one eye, and it just had its face smashed up against the glass with the one eye exposed. It was very trippy.

They should have given it a fake eye or something like the movie, oh, my God, Hero something. Last Action Hero. Last Action Hero. Remember the main villain? He had the glass eye that was a bomb. Holds up. I love that movie.

Yeah, absolutely. Great film. Great soundtrack also. Oh, yeah. Big Gun was made for that. The Alice in Chains song. Oh, really? Yeah, it was Great soundtrack also. Yeah? Oh, yeah. Big Gun was made for that. The Alice in Chains song. Oh, really? Yeah, it was a great soundtrack.

What the hell have I? Yeah, it was a great soundtrack. Made specifically for that movie? Yeah. I think there was a pretty sweet Queensryche song on that too. Oh, yeah. There certainly was.

Symphony of Destruction was on that one. Which one was that? The Megadeth song. Oh, yeah. I think it was on there. I think so. That's a kid's movie. But it's badass.

I know. Back then in the 90s, they used to make cool soundtracks for movies. What happened to that? People just don't be singing about it. The soundtrack was fucking better than the movie. I've been doing, because we're recording after this, Wizard and the Bruiser on The Matrix. That fucking soundtrack is killer, man.

Rage Against the Machine, Rob Zombie. But those were from albums, though. They were songs they made for the movie. Like Godzilla 2000. Uh-oh. Is that the one with Matthew Broderick? Oh, yeah. Wasn't the Wallflowers cover of

Heroes inexplicably on that soundtrack? It certainly was. That and the Jimmy Page Puff Daddy version of Casimir. I remember hearing that on the radio and the DJ being like, they're making me play it and I hate it. That's hilarious. The day of the honest DJ is gone.

I heart radio. Well, Marcus, do we want to do a news story? Is there anything funny in the news? I got a good one for you. Five nurses at Denver Health Medical Center were suspended for three weeks after they inappropriately viewed a deceased patient's body and talked about it. A tip to Denver 7 said the nurses' discipline admired the size of the deceased patient's genitals and at one point opened a body bag to view parts of the body. Yeah, you got to. So they're suspended for three weeks without pay?

Denver Police report says multiple staff members viewed the victim while he was incapacitated before he died. Sounds like there's a fuddy-duddy in the bunch. Honestly, I think these kinds of hospital shenanigans should be completely approved. They're around bleeding, dying people all day. Give them this. A little gallows humor. Look at this guy's cock. I thought that shit was happening all the time.

It does. You're going to show me the dead man's penis. Do you want to see a dead man's penis? I can show you a dead man's penis. It's right here in this drawer. And you know what? There was a fuddy-duddy. There were a bunch of nurses

that were laughing and giggling and having a good time, and then another nurse overheard him and reported it to hospital staff. Scarlet letter, that bitch! With a B! And the incidents occurred between March 34th and

April 3rd, meaning they had four full days of fun with this man's dead penis. Probably wasn't claimed. You don't think so, huh? No one came to get him. Well, isn't that sad? Sometimes with these big cock guys, no one loves them. Really?

Yeah. You think it's a confidence thing? It's always the quiet, lanky loner. I don't know. Is it causation and correlation? Are you confusing those two here? Do people not love them because they have a big cunt? It's because they're screwing around too much.

I think it's twofold, though, man. It's twofold. That's the thing. Girls probably don't like a big old giant honking dick because it rips the whole thing up. Yeah. Spoils it for the rest of the time. Yeah. And then the guys don't like them because it makes them feel small.

Jackie, you're the woman. Dick's a dick, man. Okay. Yeah, I don't know if that's Jackie right now. That's not an answer? Yeah, man. Dick's a dick's a dick Okay. That's not an answer? Yeah, man. Dick's a dick's a dick's a dick's. She likes them all.

What do you think about this, Jackie? I mean, I would definitely look at that. I'm like, oh, yeah. But the problem is... Of course, we'd all look at it. Yeah, of course. I'd look at it. Well, I don't like that he was awake, you know, for some of it.

Well, he was alive for some of it. He was not awake. He was incapacitated. They saw his gigantic penis, presumably on the 31st and the 1st. They brought some of it. He was not awake. He was incapacitated. They saw his gigantic penis, presumably on the 31st and the 1st. They brought some people in, look at that guy's dick, and then after he died,

and then after he died, presumably the other nurses were like, oh, I missed the big dick guy, and they're like, no, no, no, no. He's dead. He's still here. He's in the morgue. Yeah, we tipped it to his knee

just so we could transport him. Oh, interesting. I mean, they see a lot of bodies. This dick must have been huge. Yeah. If only he had lived. All these horny nurses. You know?

They save people's lives on a fucking daily basis. Let them play with a dead dick. Covered in blood and piss and shit. They weren't even

playing with it. They were just pointing and laughing. Yeah. I don't know about this whole laughing thing. Yeah, but it was more just, I'm sure it was like giddy. Like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah. Okay. Woo, woo, woo. I think that's it. Yeah. Yeah. It's a higher pitch. But on the other hand, it does not say that the dick was huge.

It could be that the dick was so small that it was impressive. That changes the situation. It does. Then it's not nice. It could be a micropenis situation. Then it's not nice. That, though, who's calling up people with a micropenis?

It would be really offensive if he died of embarrassment. Maybe he was totally fine. That's not good. I don't think a micropenis, I feel like, is much more common than a 10-foot dong.

I don't know. I don't know about that. I don't think so. Well, we can get into the, I guess like, is much more common than a 10-foot dong. I don't know. I don't know about that. I don't think so. Well, we can get into the, I guess, the analytics behind that statement there. But it seems a little... On the micropenis? I'm not sure because... Who's telling the truth about these things?

I wouldn't be surprised if it's like, you know, 98% of men say they have massive, you know, Johnsons. And, you know, obviously that can't be accurate. I think most men usually underplay how big their dick is. They do? I don't know. I could probably kill, like, a small dog with mine. Oh, goodness lord't be action. I think most men usually underplay how big their dick is. I could probably kill a small dog with mine. Oh, goodness lord, Holden. How small is a dog? How would you do it, Holden?

By fucking it to death. No, no, no, no. I'm willing to bet any of us could fuck a small dog. No, no, no. How do we get to this subject? A skull or whatever. You could slap it in its skull. Well, let's leave the dogs alone. Alright, fine. A different animal we don't like

as much. A possum. I could probably smack a possum in the face. No, no. I'd be way too scared. I'm so afraid. I could kill a dead possum. You could fuck a dead possum. I could kill a big-ass water bug with it. I could just flap, possum. Maybe... You could fuck a dead possum. I could kill a big-ass water bug with it. Oh, yeah.

That I believe. I could just flap, bam, dug and boom. I would imagine most of us could smack a water bug to death with our... I don't know. Erect penis. You have to think about doing it.

Soft, I would not be able to, but erect, I could. Erect, yeah. You'd have to get hard, which would be difficult. We need the right type of pressure. Soft, you just press it down on it. Yeah, if we're just smashing it.

But then it's really more hand-crushing it than penis, but then it's really more hand crushing it than penis. But it is through the penis, so you went on a technicality. Well, you could draw its back to look like a pussy. Okay. That makes it okay, I guess. I don't know about all that, Eddie. It's got the oval shape.

Well, you need one of those very small pens, and that's tough. Micropenis is very rare. I mean, one of those very small pens, and that's tough. Micropenis is very rare. 0.15% of baby boys born between 1997 and 2000 had micropenis. These doctors rat them out at birth? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. How do you even know that, Jan?

Because if it's less than an inch when born, stretched out, I think I'll stretch. That's the part when the doctor's testing the baby and he pulls the penis. So you're saying when we get born, the doctor stretches on our dicks and measures the penis? Leave it alone. I might have jumped to conclusions on that one. Let me check. Leave it alone. We're not trying to measure the room here.

My goodness gracious. What's wrong with these people? Doctors are odd. Very strange people. And nurses. Yeah, for a baby under five months, if it's less than one inch, then. Very strange people. And nurses. Yeah, for a baby under five months, if it's less than one inch,

then it's a micropenis. So parents are bringing their kids in out of concern that the dong might not be large enough? I would. Like, make it bigger. Put something,

put a stint on it. Put something in there. My kids not having no micropenis? Hell no. For a man. Cut it off, make it into a girl.

My kids not have no micro penis. Hell no. For a man. Cut it off. Make it into a girl. That is so progressive of you. Thank you. See, I'm just like pink. I support your.

You don't know. You need to win a VMA just so we can hear your acceptance speech. Powerful stuff. All right. Well, thanks for introducing a story that led us down that road, Marcus. Yeah. It must have been a huge cock.

It had to have been. I think it was a huge. It had to be big. And I'll tell you what, I mean, you bring up, man, I'm finally finished American Gods. Talk about just dicks in a TV show. What's this show all about?

Oh, essentially it's about old gods fighting new gods, but at the end of the day in this TV show, it's about people exploding and just gigantic hogs, like hogs that made me... I literally just got up, went into the... Oh, there was this one scene where the guy walked out of the bathroom

ready to fuck this other guy, and he slams this other guy. And I just walked into the bathroom, and I cried. It is very graphic and very long. What network is it on? Past the knee, brother. Stars? Oh, it's on the Trinity Broadcasting Network. No, it's not TB Past the knee, brother. Stars. Oh, it's on the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

No, it's not TBN. No. Okay. This is Stars. They're up in the ante, I think. They're all trying to outdo each other.

Well, they're trying to be even-handed with the exposure of the male form. And, you know, we've shown ladies a lot, but we don't show enough of the men.

Yeah. Why not? Because no one really wants to look at a dick. I don't know. I mean, I'm fine with it, but, you know. It doesn't faze me. I don't know I mean I'm fine but yeah it doesn't faze me I don't get fazed by the two men just

missionary fucking just giving their all to this sex scene that was it was a great sexy oh man so what's more a lot to you know faze me anymore when it comes to movies and TV shows oh yeah it's ridiculous now what's more what's more sexual in nature, Game of Thrones or this American Gods? American Gods.

Oh, it is. A woman kicks a man in his genitals and his entire skeleton just pops out of the top of his body. Is this a fatality in Mortal Kombat? It is literally Mortal Kombat. That's kind of fun. It's like the first episode,

it's like a woman sucking a woman into her vagina. How is that possible? All the sex scenes are way too long. So long. So long. I'm like, I am. What is so long? I'll just watch pornography.

Yeah. At this point. And she sucked a woman. Yeah, what is this show? What is happening? They're all gods. They're all gods. She's like a love goddess.

A gypsion, like, yeah, sex goddess. She takes them into her. It's actually pretty cool. She wanted to just play shuffleboard. Old's like a love goddess. Egyptian, like, yeah, sex goddess. She takes them into her. It's actually pretty cool. She's got a digital shuffleboard. Old gods should play shuffleboard and Rummy Cube and just have fun with being old. This seems weird. I can't believe all you guys have the Stars Network.

Yeah, that's actually weird. I did the seven-day free trial. I downloaded it. Now they got me. And yeah, Marcus is illegal. Everything. I'm trying to go legit. That's good.

Lately, I've been trying to go legit. You'll get there. You'll get that Starz network. I want to see Ray Donovan, but I don't know how to Showtime it. I have no idea. You got Hulu? Oh, it's on there? Yeah.

Hulu. Yeah, that's how I watched it. Do they have curse words? They got curse words. They got curse words. They got curse words. Eddie, yes, they have the curse words on Hulu, Eddie. Hulu's a piece of shit.

I don't trust them for nothing. No, it's not. It's got great stuff on there. They make you watch all the commercials. They put commercials in Ray Donovan? Well, you have to pay for the Showtime subscription. It's not all just free, Eddie. Yeah.

Ed's so mad right now. But like, Hulu, you pay and you still get commercials. You still get commercials. Eddie, I don't understand that. No, I never get commercials on Hulu. Of course you do. Yeah. You're just trained. No, I don't get any.ulu. Of course you do. Yeah. You're just trained.

No, I don't get any. I watch Hulu all the time. Open your eyes, brother. It's all commercials. It's all commercials. All the time. It's always. And right now, they're selling dicks.

They are selling a lot of dicks. Selling dicks straight up. And you know what I'm saying? You can't compete with the donk. Because how come always it's got to be a donk to the floor if it's a male donk in a TV show? Well, don't you think women have complained a little bit about how they were seen? Oh, what about the shining with the old woman breasts? Turn off the beat off to the old woman.

I love it. I do love the idea of men being. She was still hot at first, though. She just decayed. She was fine. She was still hot at first, though. She just decayed. She was fine. She was pretty hot. I would buy her a drink, maybe. Yeah.

There was... Yeah, for the longest time, we thought women were all Ronda up all night. But you know what? It's not like that. It's not like that. And they're all beautiful. And now there's going to be a lot of disappointed women.

Yeah, exactly. The male body doesn't look like that. No, no. No, it's softer. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. The male body doesn't look like that. No, no. No, it's softer. Yeah. Yeah, somebody got tired of being tricked by all these floppy women that he thought was tight, and he said to himself, you know what? Somebody's going to pay for this.

Turned it around, man. We are taking back the night. It's revenge, a tale of revenge. Impactful stuff. All right. right well there that is yes yeah yes indeed well they'll get their jobs back oh they didn't even get fired they just got suspended three weeks of pay it's a lot of money a lot of money yeah that is a lot and one of one of them did leave she said fucking i'm out of here well being a nurse is a thankless job we need to respect our nurses we need to respect our doctors. We need to respect our doctors. If she can't look at dead dogs,

she's out. I respect that. I suppose. Yep, you got to respect her. Eddie, are your family, everyone's prepared for Florida here? We got Hurricane Irma

coming up. Oh, man. People are scared. My folks are staying, by the way. I try to get everyone to come up. There's no fucking,

it's Wednesday. There's no flights. There's no gas. Well, what was the increase? They're all trapped down there. Oh, my God. It was like a 200% increase in ticket prices. 600% increase in...

Fucking criminals, man. Criminals. Gouging. Just fill up the planes and get people out of there. Try to be humanitarian. You do this all the time where they just run up the money on you. The fucking gas company... Oh, my God.

Eddie's scaring me. I get really mad about... I understand. ...taking advantage of people in earthquake situations. Well, I get sad because I wish I could gouge people, but I don't have the power. Nor do you have any products.

No. No. I guess I could sell my cum, but who's going to be gouged on that? Nothing to offer. Nothing to offer. Yep, I'm all about supply and demand economics,

but let's be honest here. Let's have a heart. Yeah. And it's good PR. Yeah. Delta will do much better in the future if they save some people. But the shareholders, Benjamin.

Oh, that's right. Delta's what everyone's going to forget in a week from now. What are you talking about? No, if they do something good, people remember. Because it impacts lives. Ooh, I like...

I guarantee you, they'll remember when they have to pay three grand for a flight of 500 bucks. Yeah. Tony Roma's after Hurricane Andrew fed everyone every day for a week. Free food. Open the restaurant. Did they order in Papa John's or something?

No, they made Tony Roma's. Ribs. It's just ribs for a week. And chicken. Can you imagine that? Every day, three meals a day. Ribs. I will say Tony Roma's was like, a lot was going to get spoiled if they didn't feed the

people. So it was nice they did. Yeah. Now there's a whole Waffle House Index. You know about that? No. They actually measure how bad a natural disaster is going to be by how many Waffle Houses close down. Wow. Because Waffle Houses are open 24 hours.

Waffle Houses, they never close. So the more Waffle Houses are closed down, the worse the storm is. Dude, this thing's fucking very terrifying. It's really, really bad. So it's a Category 4 or 5? It's a Category 5. It's a 180-mile-hour wind. But a Category 5 only goes to only 150.

These are 185. There isn't even like... Highest wind speed of any hurricane ever recorded. So now, my parents are staying. They're just going to chill out in their condo. They got a condo. They're on the eighth floor. They have a generator in there. Are they on the water? They're right off of A1A. Jeez, they got to get out in their condo. They got a condo. They're on the eighth floor. They have a generator in there. Are they on the water?

They're right off of A1A. They got to get out of there. I watched a video of an entire apartment building in Toronto. It was about six, seven floors high. The whole thing just fell into the water. Really? Yeah, they should get out of there. I tried to tell them

there's no convincing them of that. Tell them to listen to the cops or call the cops on him and tell him to go grab him or listen to this podcast I'm not gonna call the cops on my parents to get them out of there

yeah it's only saving their lives I mean the cops are coming through and making people leave though so I mean they might just be forced to go the keys are getting evacuated I was just in Key West

yeah and I gotta say that if the hurricane hits Key West it's fucked it's one road it's one route through all the fucking keys so it's like. It's one road. It's one road through all the fucking keys.

So it's like, there's only one way out. Yeah. They're fucked. It's over, man. I tried to come up with some kind of cheeseburger in paradise joke, but I just can't because there's just no joking about this. It's really sad. It's very upsetting. Get out. Get out if you can. Otherwise,

hunkered. I mean, I do like the idea. I have to fully admit, we demonize these people for staying, but it would take me a lot to get out of my house. Yeah, that's just because, like, we've always had awesome times when hurricanes come to New York. Well, Williamsburg and Greenpoint here in Brooklyn, where we're at, is high. So, yeah, Hurricane Sandy, it was kind of, I almost feel guilty with how little we got affected.

I was out in Bushwick, like, there was a little bit of rain. Oh. I was out in Bushwick. There was a little bit of rain. It was nothing in Bushwick, man. I remember the deli by me kept the door open because it was a nice little breeze coming through. It was crazy. There was a rolling chair outside of our apartment holding. Do you remember that? It didn't even move.

It was a little stuck in the storm. The guilt doesn't come from it not hitting us. The guilt comes from how hard we partied during that week of no work. They literally, like, the subways are shut down. There's nothing you can do, but all the bars were open. All the fucking friends were in the hood, and it just was, like, disgusting. For some reason, we were living with our friend Kep at the time.

I bought nothing but cream cheese. I bought five pounds of cream cheese and, like, 50 bagels. It was the worst food idea ever. Our prep for the hurricane was phenomenal. If it was bad, we would be so dead. It was just cases upon cases of beer. So much beer. And just the dumbest snack food you could imagine.

Nothing sustainable. Yes. Just a bunch of gross snack food. We potentially. Like, what do you, Kep? Kep knows how to fucking prepare for the hurricane. Oh, Kep doesn't know how to prepare for. We just had to keep him alive. That's all I know.

Yeah, that was it. And I think a lot of mushrooms. There you go. A lot of mushrooms. How many lives would have been lost had we passed away would have been three because of alcohol poisoning not because of the storm. Man, I remember all that. We got a storm coming to New York in a couple of weeks,

and I will try to go help out if it's possible. What do you mean? There's another storm headed to New York in three weeks, they're saying. I can't tell if it's headed to New York now. You're talking about Jose that's right behind Irma? There's a good chance. This one, Irma could hit New York. Yeah, there it is.

Just based on name alone, I think Jose is a more dominant, powerful name. Irma sounds like a little old lady. Very powerless. Well, this one's a bitch. Yeah, don't tell her that. Don't tell her that. Hurricane Sandy was devastating. Hurricane Jackie.

Now, that's something I'd fucking run out of the house. You really were it. Oh, my goodness. Everybody's getting pregnant. Yeah, what would you do if you hit land? Hurricane Jackie hits land. What happens? I want all the lights to go out.

Then I want there to be smoke everywhere. I'm going to set everything on fire. I'm going to be a fire one, though. I'm going to be a fire storm. Better fucking watch out. Well, we'll be everyone in Florida. Take care of yourselves. Please take care of yourselves.

It's fucking terrifying. Yeah, no, it's very scary. And know your dealer. Know your dealer. Don't buy from some straight... Yeah, hit them up before the hurricane. Yeah, yeah. Don't buy from them on the street. I them up before the hurricane. Yeah, yeah. Don't buy from the hurricane.

Get them up now. On the street. I'm sure even the dealers are out of pot. Yeah, they're probably out of town, too. Or they're overcharging for it. I mean, this is unbelievable what's happening. If these dealers are overcharged, we should arrest them. There you go.

That's an idea. Alright, Marcus. Anything else? We did Stormwatch here. We got our Doppler radar update. I can't see the Dolphins lose on Sunday. That's right. They canceled the game. Yeah, they can't even go play in Tampa. Why not?

Oh, because of the football. Oh, look at her. I think she's going someplace to stay. I understand. Florida's a big state. I got it. I got it. Why can't they just go play someplace else?

I think they're going to try and play on Monday. I don't know. How long was it after Katrina the Saints played again? Well, they had to go play in, what was it, San Antonio? Yeah, they went someplace else. But how would they fly them out? In Oklahoma City. Oh, they can fly them out.

Yeah. They can figure it out. Yeah. They're very out. Yeah. They can figure it out. Yeah. They're very wealthy. Yeah. Drive them, take them in buses to the next functioning buses. What are they? Oh, my God.

Imagine no bus and throw a fucking hurricane. Like, got to go play a football game. Got to go do this. That would be awful. It'd be kind of fun, though, too. Or you'd get Lynyrd Skynyrd. Yeah. That's the thing.

With snowstorms, I've officially decided hurricanes are worse than snowstorms. Yeah. Snowstorms, you hunker down. You kind of have fun. You light a fire, you know. It's great. Yeah, it's kind of a good time, you know. Hurricane would fucking destroy everything.

Yep. Yep. So we got to start freezing these hurricanes. There's got to be something. To make it snow. We got to start thinking of something to break up fucking clouds or something. I don't know. We need a weather machine.

For the largest time, people have demonized the idea of a heart machine, but I think a heart machine might be more needed than ever before. What they did is they cut all the funding to NASA, all the meteorological funding, so they don't look from up there anymore. They just have nothing up there to figure out what's fucking going on.

Not to get too political, but we just appointed a climate science denier to head up NASA. Whoa. This is why. Deny, deny, deny. Stone's rules. Not to get too political, but we just appointed a climate science denier to head up NASA. This is why. Deny, deny, deny. Stone's rules. We need to get real. All right.

Can you throw a bunch of fucking sponges up in the middle of it or something? Hey, you know what? I've seen Sharknado. We need Tara Reid to go there and meet up with some mildly attractive bee actor, and they'll figure it out. Just let them figure it out. Sounds like one soggy cheeseburger in paradise. Nope. I'll tell you what.

Wow, powerful. Yeah, you really held on to that one. I'm giving it to him. I won't give it to him. A soggy cheeseburger. My hearts and minds go out to Ben's parents. Thank you very much. Put me in Ed's family or anything.

Are fine, I think. Yeah, we don't care. They don't matter. Everyone will be fine. All right, just get a bunch of bagels and cream cheese. And I promise you, a storm doesn't hit. What if that was it? My food choices.

Soak up the rain with the bagels. That's what you do, yeah. Put them around the pool so they don't flood the house. That's a great idea. Do you think you were the only house with bagels and cream cheese in New York City? I think we were the only ones in America. Well, no, I don't. Especially not in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

But I think we had a surplus. Yeah, more than most. For sure. Five pounds of cream cheese. We got so much cream cheese. But I didn't get the low-fat scallop. It just goes bad immediately. It goes bad immediately.

It's such a horrible choice. Oh, it's a bad choice. Yeah, no, I kind of understood that there. Also in terms of my nutrition and just like if you're supposed to survive for several days and just carbohydrate and fat. Yeah. That's all it is. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't a good choice there.

But nonetheless, we ate it. We might have had some sliced sausage or something. I think we had something. Yeah. I mean, yeah, we didn't need anything. Some cured meats. We usually had some cured meats sitting around the old Kissel den back in the day. So you just do that.

If you're in Florida, just get bagels and cream cheese. Everything will be fine. No denying that. Good Christ. What? We're all going to die. No, everyone should be okay. News story?

Just one quick one? Yeah, let's do a quick one. Yeah, yeah. A New Zealand man who got so drunk he forgot he had sold his car. Contacted police the next day to report it stolen. What? The man decided to sell his car

for $800 New Zealand. So that's about $800 American. Oh, okay. So he could purchase more alcohol on his big night out but could not remember his actions the next day.

See, that's cool. That's like a ride or die, though. That's fun. That's sort of like a dude wears my car. Are you allowed to buy a car from someone who's just so blackout drunk? Yeah, it's not like it's a tattoo. Yeah. I feel like this guy did steal his car.

No, I don't think so. I mean, maybe the guy didn't know he was drunk. Some people are blackout drunk, and you don't even know it. I don't think that's true. It's Australia. Yeah. New Zealand. New Zealand.

Oh, my goodness. But the same premise Australia. Yeah. New Zealand. New Zealand. Oh, my goodness. But the same premise applies. Yeah. They were drinking people. The Ireland of Asia. All right. The man reported the car missing at Rotoria Police Station, but the case took an unusual turn when the man who purchased it on car selling site Car Jam came forward.

Sergeant Dennis Murphy said, thankfully, the man who bought the car checked the registration the next day on the Car Jam website as he was worried it might be stolen. When the buyer checked the Car Jam site, he received an alert about the car possibly being stolen and decided to contact police. Sergeant Murphy added, the man came into the station with the car to let us know what had happened. We were able to get in touch with the original owner and told them to sort it out between them.

The lesson here is don't drink and sell cars. But he put it online. He put it online. It's a premeditated car sale. He just sold a car. Yeah, he just sold a car. So he's a great car salesman because he did a blackout truck. But I think he probably lowballed himself just so he could make sure to get more money.

Yeah. Well, I think the guy keeps the car. He probably started at 10 grand and it wasn't biting. No, $800 is fine for a car. That's a good amount of money for a car. $800 depends on the car. Exactly. What kind of car is it?

You can't get a computer for $800. Well, you can't use a computer for a lot of things. What if it's like a nice Subaru Outback? I don't know if it was. Down there, it would be great to have that. Well, that's true, but I don't think that that is the car. He obviously said he priced the car at $800 yeah any price a man what can you buy it like a Toyota Corolla you can play a bunch of stuff

yeah yeah totally I wonder how much longer he partied for with $800 like was that just like a few hours like how many like bitches did he have in the house imagine was just cocaine sounds like a cut's what I'm thinking. I don't think this was just... It sounds like a... I mean, he said he was going to buy more booze, but it sounds like a cocaine decision.

Get rid of the car. He just looked at his car and he just saw pounds of cocaine. Yeah. He's like, that's what I'll do. I'm going to transform

that into coke. In reality, that's grams of cocaine. Yeah, it's not that much. $800 is not a lot of cocaine. All right. Do you want me to check out and see how much cocaine that is? Yeah, what's the street much. $800 is not a lot of cocaine. All right. Do you want me to check out and see how much cocaine that is? What's the street value of cocaine these days?

How many handfuls of cocaine $800 is? Yeah. Not much. There ain't no handful. There's no handful. Maybe one handful. I don't know. I don't know how much it is.

Like Lady Justice, but with cocaine? How much are the tiny bags? What's that? It's not like pregame LeBron James. I think it's expensive. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. You probably couldn't even fill up one of these beer cans with the amount of cocaine.

Well, that's... Oh, no. Oh, God, no. There's no way. For $800? Oh, so it's not multiple handfuls? I don't think it's that much. I'm kind of on Jackie's camp on this one.

I feel like it should be a lot. It's a lot of money. Marcus is looking up cocaine prices. They make you go state by state, which is ridiculous. What about New Zealand, though? Maybe you can get a shit fuck of cocaine in New Zealand. You're going to go state by state with that? You know they mix it with the wool out there.

Smoking sheeps. Cocaine price for a kilo here in New York City is $30,000. Holy. How much is a kilo? Give me an estimate. It's like a Ford Focus. It's like a thousand grams.

Is that what it is? It's the thing that the cop puts a knife in and then he licks it and he's like, oh, that's coke. I would know. I steal it all the time. I think that's what it is. I like that you said the exact scientific measurement but still said it's like. A kilogram is like a thousand grams.

No, I wanted a visual, but Ed gave me the perfect visual because I've watched a bunch of Law and Order. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's one of them. I don't think it's legal for the cops to taste the cocaine. How are they supposed to know what's in it? They put it in a little thing and shake it up, and if it turns blue or something, it's cocaine. Technically, yeah, but why would you know? You're going to snort it off a knife.

No kidding, huh? Send it to the lab. Huh. Yeah, wink. Now it's time for a segment from Hulk McNally. The lab's just a drug-addicted dog. Oh. The world's saddest yet most happy drug dog.

I've had a few bouncing around in my head. I'm afraid of the reaction I'm going to get from proposing any one of them. Okay. My first thought was you're stuck in a room with a horny lion, and what do you do with that? Okay. Okay. That's interesting.

All right, I'll give you a few options, okay? Second one, you're going to the gathering of the juggalos. You've got to perform. What's your act? Ooh. Is that the one we're going with? I don't know. What's the third one?

I'm a big juggalo fan. The third one is No, those are the two Horny Lion or Juggalo Oh, you're a Coke dealer What's your name and your operation? I would say Juggalos Juggalos, right?

Juggalos are on the forefront of the fight I feel like Jack, you should pick It's your birthday is the closest My birthday is the closest. My birthday's the closest? What? She's still getting fucking bonuses for her birthday. It's over her birthday. Who has the next birthday?

Yeah. Whose is the next birthday? Ed. Ed, you choose. Yeah, so you get to choose. Well, the lion. Oh, well, then we're doing the lion. Lord almighty.

The lion. What are we doing? All right. Get on my knees. Start a sucking, Kevin. I mean, that was, I mean, of course. How do you know? What else do you want?

Okay, then this is what I would do, all right? Cut it in half, put the two F's together, make a hole, and then climb out the room. Okay, okay. That looks like more. It's technically an answer. No, what else is in the room? To give us a little bit of background, is there anything else in the room? I was going to specify.

Is it just a box box You're stuck in the Oval office With a horny lion Oh okay See whenever I think of Like I'm stuck Somewhere in a lion I always think of

Indiana Jones And the last crusade And you're in like A train car Well this is the opposite Okay so the oval office The oval office Alright fine

I'd start reading it policy Hope it would fall asleep At some point And then sleep Suck on it Until it gets off And then it wakes up. Why would you do it when it's sleeping? Because A,

story stories are always fun. B, it wakes up, it's no longer horny. Oh, okay. Docile. Is it a horny male lion or female lion? I imagine a horny male lion, but I'll tell you what, I'll let you choose. Well, I suppose for the sake of mixing things up,

if I'm going to fuck a lion, might as well be a man. So I get myself behind that lion, right? And I tell him everything I'm doing. As I'm putting my stuff into this lion's stuff. This lion's a bottom. He's talking about his Xbox. We're assuming this is a

homosexual lion. This is a homosexual lion. Power bottom lion. I'm behind the lion. I tell the lion, listen here, you little fuck. You getting fucked by a Jamaican nigga right now that's inner species

you a lion getting fucked by Jamaican niggas doggy style fuck the lions the whole day Bob Marley be so proud of you

very confused lion there I'm also playing reggae music the whole time. Okay. I would just hit it a bunch with the bust of JFK. Cool. Okay. That's it.

You got to be careful, though. Half of it's gone. Oh, that's a good point. You got to hit it with the sharp end of the bust of JFK. There's got to be like an extra little suit in there. I'm going to put it in a fucking suit. I'm going to let it sit in the desk. I'm going to give it all the power.

And then he's going to love that. Lion president? And then we're going to have a lion president. I love lion president. I will be the first lady. And together, man, we fuck this place up. I love it. An honest lion president.

I would wrap it in my skin. I would let it... I mean, I'm dead. Oh. I'm going to kill you pretty fast. You give it my skin so it can get out of there. Otherwise, it's going to get shot up.

And this is a magical lion. If this lion's stuck into the oval office, I mean, this is a magical lion that needs to live. So if it can just walk out of where my skin is... I'm that needs to live so they just walk out where my skin is Secretary There's a lot of things the lion could do in the White House if you get it Eddie's skin

Yeah, so you just gotta get it out of there cool White House if you get Eddie's skin. Yeah, so you just got to get it out of there. Cool. At any cost possible. Because that's the thing is that I think I was the first one that hit upon this is that a horny lion is not going to care about you. A horny lion wants another lion.

So really, you're just dealing with a lion. That's why Eddie wins. Wow, Eddie wins. That's powerful stuff. I haven't won in a while. It feels good. Alright. That's the round wins. Wow, Eddie wins. That's powerful stuff. I haven't won in a while. It feels good. It feels great.

All right. That's the roundtable, everybody. Anything to plug here? We've got all the shows here on LPN. Wizard and the Bruiser. Murder Fish Show. Hey, when's that? September 29th, 11 p.m. at the Pit.

Okay, check that out. Saturday night. Come get it. There it is. 1, 2, 3, East 24th Street, Manhattan, New York. New York City. Jackie, anything you want to talk about? We got our baby Twitch.

We're Twitching this week at 6 p.m. Eastern time on Friday. Twitch.tv forward slash whole leaders home. We get horny. We get so horny. And then we get so drunk. There you go. Okay. Take it rid of the horny.

Yep. Professionally. There it is. Anything, Marcus? rid of the horny. Yep. Professionally. There it is. Anything, Marcus? You're good? I'm good. Go to thelastpodcastnetwork.com.

There it is. Yeah, check it out. You done, Kevin? We're doing more content. Yeah, Broad City Season 4 starts. Nice. September 13th. Yes. Comedy Central.

Well, it's a time I do not remember. It's a good thing you plugged it here because they're not marketing it at all. No. There was a multi, multi-million dollar campaign to get people to watch it. I haven't seen one thing about it. Not one thing. I have not seen multiple Subway ads in every single state.

I haven't seen it. Not sick of looking at their faces already at all. Thank God. No, they're wonderful people. We love them. Of course. All right, everyone. Thanks so much for listening.

We'll talk to you soon. Bye. For more shows like the one you just listened to go to cave comedy radio.com