The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 342: No Flush Experiences

Episode Date: September 17, 2017

The gang hears a tale of a botched nose job leaving a guy with a permanent boner, the creation of vomit proof shoes, and relive experiences when they wish they'd been wearing vomit proof clothing.

The Roundtable. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the Roundtable. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen.

Always civility. All right, this is the round table now. What do we have to do here, Marcus? You got to say a little something for our Lord and Savior. Oh, all right. Welcome to the round table. Thank him for your recent blessing. That's correct.

Dear Lord, thank you so much for helping us beat the Republicans in the primary to be Brooklyn Borough President. Eat his stupid ass. There it is, BK for BK. It Brooklyn Borough President. Eat his ass. There it is. BK for BK. It's all happening now. Eat his stupid ass, Republicans. Anyway, thank you very much, and thank you for Ed Larson.

Amen. Sure. Wow. All right. I challenge all Republicans out there to take me on in Street Fighter V. My Ryu will out-combo your fucking ass. I hate this Ryu thing. It's Ryu. Itcombo your fucking ass. I hate this Ryu thing.

It's Ryu. It's Ryu. Stop it. I think it is Ryu. Kevin? Man, I say Ryu just out of circumstance. Man, I know it's right to say Ryu, but I just can't. Why is his name Ryu, not Ryu?

In the Japanese pronunciation, it's Ryu. It's Ryu. You know the Japanese do a lot of things that we don't do. All right. Well, you know, it's a wonderful people, a great culture. Whatever. All right, this is the round table of gentlemen. I am Ben, and that's Jackie.

Jackie, how are you? I'm great, how are you? You look tan, you look good. Thank you very much. You do look tan. Thanks, guys. Yeah, you're very Tampa hot right now. What happened?

How'd you get so tan? I've been walking. Bitches, I've been taken to the streets. I've been walking. I've been walking. Bitches, I've been taking to the streets. I've been walking. I've been fucking walking a lot. Man, that's how you do it, man. Getting them steps. Yeah, yeah, I got to get them steps.

And I got my activity levels fucking up. That's good. Yeah, man, I'm feeling good. Getting ready for Los Angeles, getting used to the sun. Yeah, yeah, I got to get used to it. Did you just wake up, Kissel? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I did. You got the cute little just woke up face.

Oh, no, it's horrible. Yeah, it's horrible what happened. A lot of mead. We drank a lot of mead last night. What? I didn't realize how much I loved. Honey wine. Yeah, honey wine.

It is so good. Oh, yeah, but that fucks you up, though. Yeah, it does. I woke up. It's that Beowulf drunk. Yeah, it was great, but my goodness, is that a hangover. I think it's sweet, too. Right, Marcus?

Oh, yeah. So you get that sugar, and then that's really the hangover combo. It's like basically getting drunk on bread. That's what it felt like. Yeah, that's what it felt like. Sweet bread. And that's why I loved it. Like cakes.

Absolutely. Wait, where are you drinking mead? Just in the apartment. You just, how'd you get mead? Our friend Sarah brought it over, so we just had it, and we just drank it, and it was great, and it was almost too good. Jackie, now that he's sort of becoming a part of these secret society politics. Yes, they start doing weird

ritualistic things like dresses Vikings. You should wear a leopard. Yeah, that meat had a bunch of tip blood in it. Little known facts by Ed Larson. Yeah, I feel like meat is a drink you're supposed to drink after you just kill somebody with your hands.

Well, we killed him at the ballot box. I'll tell you. Yeah, I feel like meat is a drink you're supposed to drink after you just killed somebody with your hands. Yeah. Well, we killed him at the ballot box, I'll tell you. Oh! All right, no one's going to... Holden said it earlier, impeach! Impeach! Impeach! What happened? No!

I want a recount. I demand it. So you won? What'd you win? We did it. We won the primary, so now we're in the general election. What does that mean? We're going against the establishment,

angering a lot of people. So are you running for Democrat? No, with the Reform Party. With the Reform Party. That's it. We're going against the Republicans and the Democrats. He hates filthy liberals. Oh, okay.

Wait, so is it just the three of you? So now it's down to three? It's just the three of us. Wow. So if I get 33.3% We're gonna win this thing That's amazing And then Marcus

Who is my Is a supporter Yeah We've got a lot of stuff To do here at the station Yeah Yeah I got a lot of things That I got roped into

It kind of sounds like You secretly hoped He had sort of Maybe lost the primaries And then you would have to do all this extra work. Marcus loves this. In no way do I just make Marcus do all the work and I do nothing. Already losing my mind on a daily basis.

That's fine. Listen, man, but it's all going to be worth it when I can push my agenda, which all y'all know is more goats. More goats. I like that, but I'm not going to be able to enjoy any of the goats because I'm going to be so goddamn busy filling out paperwork. When am I going to get time to fucking eat? Hey, but think about how happy you're going to be knowing that paperwork is goat paperwork.

It's goat work. I'll probably just fucking eat it. That's fun. That is kind of fun. Eddie, how you doing? I'm doing good. I was reminded of an old Murder Fist tune when I was walking into the doors. What happened?

Take a pickle, paint it brown, turn that frown upside down. It's a poo-pickle. I love that. That's such a great song. There you go. That was a Henry Zebrowski classic. Oh, that was nice. Poo-poo Pickle Entertainment.

That's it. That's the name of his company. I actually, I was looking, I got a tax return from Poo-poo Pickle Entertainment That's it That's the name Of his company I actually I was looking I got a tax return From Poopoo Pickle Really Yeah it was nice

How much money was that I think it was Whatever I made on Trollville Very good For the day You know It was like 300 bucks Or something

I'll take it Oh yeah Not bad But yeah it was nice Getting a tax return From Poopoo Pickle Poopoo Pickle I got residuals For that trip tank sketch we wrote.

Oh, yeah. 30 bucks. 30 bucks. 30 bucks, baby. 30 bucks. That's a sack of weed, motherfucker. Big fat sack of weed. Oh, man.

I'll fucking dip my nuts all over 30 bucks. Legalize it. Legalize it. I like to even bring it back, legalize it. Is that part of the campaign? Oh, absolutely. That's part of the campaign. Legalize it. Legalize it. I like to even bring it back, legalize it. Is that part of the campaign? Oh, absolutely. That's part of the campaign. Legalize it.

Is that like a new hit song? No, no, it's an old hit song. It's a saying. It's a classic saying. It's a plea for the gods. Yes, please. Oh, man. 26 billion bucks.

That's what the economy would make if they legalized it over all 50 states and not just that we could throw all those fucks out of jail throw them out of jail throw them out of jail empty out the space

in jail so we can put the people in there that are just straight assholes that's right anybody who's rude or mean or tries to push you around

anyone flashing their ass around town it gets spanked and in the can all the mailmen get them in there. Get all the mailmen in there. We need to start fresh.

Try delivering mail in there, you fucking idiots. Well, I don't think we need the mailmen. No, keep the mailwomen. No, keep the mailwomen, but the mailmen in there. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. Children of mailmen, that's what we call it. Let it be known that Ben Kissel supports the mailmen of America.

Absolutely. I think if mail's a dying industry, I think we should just make everyone who's a mailman be a mailman until they die, and then there's no more mail. No more mail. I love the mailman. Without mail. Amazon UPS does Amazon. Drone.

Those are theoretically mailmen. There's an Amazon store on 34th Street. Did you see that? I didn't see that yet. Those cocksuckers are closing down all the stores, and then they open one. Interesting. So they're letting Amazon in but not Walmart and I would assume Amazon is almost more

That's just a normal store though. Walmart's a big fucker. Amazon store is just like a Verizon store. I will say sometimes you wake up and you really wish you could just go to a Walmart. God it just makes everything so fucking easy. There's a couple targets you know. Couple of targets yeah. But you know. Well that's good Eddie. Fuck Walmart, you know. Well, that's good, Eddie.

Fuck Walmart in the ass. No, man, come on. Don't say that shit. I love Walmart. No, man, Walmart saved your whole adolescence, man. I don't even need to ask you to know that it's true. I mean, we bought a gun there. You bought a gun there.

Of course you did. My Walmart had a Mortal Kombat 2 machine. Nowhere else had one. That's where I'd go to learn all the fatalities. Exactly. See, the Walmarts by me kind of sucked. We all went to Target. Really?

I didn't start going to Walmart until college. That's stunning stuff. So I have no real emotional attachment to it. All right. Although I did work at the Christmas tree stand outside of a Walmart, and we used to steal those trees, and we used to make money. That's good. Good job, Eddie.

Making money on top of money. The entrepreneurial spirit. Wait, how'd you steal the trees? Like the actual trees? You just like cart them off? Yeah, I'd be like, oh, you know, it's $58 or, you know, $20 if you meet me around back. Oh, man, I'm bought from guys just like you all the time. Well, you screwed over.

That's a valuable service. The poor guy who has the Christmas tree business, though, is just getting screwed over. That guy was a jerk off. He really was an asshole. I mean, we still would have stole with him if he wasn't an asshole. That's not a good guy, putting snakes in the trees. He would leave a bunch of 16-year-olds. He would leave five 16-year-olds in charge of selling trees that he had no idea how many he had.

And he would leave for the entire day and come back and get money from us. Oh, yeah, he deserved that. So we sold like two out of three trees got sold, he took the money. Also, it's a racket anyway. No one wants to spend

that much money for a fucking Christmas tree. I agree. 20 bucks is what I want to fucking spend. Jackie Zebrowski supports the Christmas tree thieves of America.

Wow. There it is. Haltnators, ho! You know what time it is. It's time for PlayStation Network shoutouts

So everybody just sit back Relax we're gonna get through this Will we The Zeke87 says shoutout I need some guidance Should I stick with my Midwest roots And join the Kisselites or go with my family In Texas and join the Marcusarians

Bird Luger you're the man enough said Ed someday we will get Superstone together and it'll be great. Jackie, if I weren't married, I'd send you a dick pic. And lastly, Holden, keep

being you and keep annoying the absolute fuck out of everyone. Also, we need to play Rocket League someday. CCR kicks ass. It's the last podcast network now.

Best podcast in all the land. So, what do you think? Well, I think that he was very nice, but then he did offer Jackie something that she didn't want. Yeah, I think it's great. nice, but then he did offer Jackie something that she didn't want.

Yeah, I think it's weird. It's like, thank God he's married or be assaulting women, apparently. Yeah. Send him random dick pics around. Yeah, it's interesting. My God. Well, where should he move, though? Where should he move?

Oh, where should he go? Go to Texas. San Francisco. Send him to Texas. I was asking for your review of the fucking shout out. He asked a question. Go to Texas. Yeah, sure.

Texas is a beautiful place. That's where the dick pics are from. Where is he at in Wisconsin? Or is he in the Midwest shout out. He asked a question. Go to Texas. Yeah, sure. Texas is a beautiful place. That's where the dick pics are from. Where is he at in Wisconsin? Or is he in the Midwest? Midwest. Midwest roots, that's all he says. Yeah, go to Texas.

You gotta get out of that Midwest. Well, it's nicer weather. I mean, I love the Midwest and I'll probably go back there at some point. You think you'd live there again? Maybe, it depends. You can get a big house

for a little money. A lot of people are going to have less friends than you have now. Yeah. I don't like, I mean, all I need is my rosé and my Netflix. Your rosé. I'm going to get into rosé now. What happened?

I don't know. What is it with you fucking people and your rosé? Rosé all day, baby. It starts with you two and now it's going to the band. I haven't even had it yet. I just feel like it sounds fun. It's summer. Summer's over.

You missed it. You put a little ice in a cup, fill that cup with rosé. You're not? No, that's tacky. I mean, Ben never drank anything right. Yeah, I did. You always did white wine with... Spritzers!

But your spritzer was Sprite. Yeah, Sprite Zero. Spritzer is... Oh, God, Eddie. You're making your mother upset, Eddie. This is ridiculous. Sprite Zero and wine. I don't even want to. You're making your mother upset, Eddie. This is ridiculous. Sprite Zero and wine. That's a spritzer.

Pandalistic says, hey, Holdenators. Oh, tell Ben he's hilarious. And Jackie and Ed are my celeb crushes. I just started college in Y. Let me be your intern sex slave for a while. Holden, hook this inward with the soft R that I'm not allowed to say up. Holden, baby. All right.

There you go. Get him in here. Good job. There you go. Get him in here. Good job. There you go. No. No? Absolutely not. What a great resume right there.

That person will never, ever, ever work on a podcast. Give him a chance, Marcus. No. Give him a shot, would you? No. Come on, Marcus. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

I want a professional, God damn it. All right. Dr. Lleone01 says, Hmm, excuse me while I get into character. Holdenators, oh, a big shout-outmit. All right. Dr. L. Leone 01 says, Hmm, excuse me while I get into character. Holdenators, oh, a big shout-out to my favorite dandruff shampoo, Selsun Blue. My bush feels like mink. Head and shoulders, more like head and shit poopers.

How? I like head and shoulders. I don't like head and shoulders. It's a garbage shampoo. Tea Tree is the best. That Paul Mitchell Tea Tree. You want to get rid of the dandruff? Spend a little extra money.

You get happy. I have this mahogany body wash right now. It is blowing my fucking mind. Is that because of all the fucking wood in your log? All right, please. This is a clean podcast, Dad. We can't have that kind of talk in here. Pipe Team 69 says, what?

You don't use shampoo on your shoulders. Yeah, but it's to keep the dandruff off the shoulders. Oh, why is he wearing black? I get it now. You got a flaky shoulder. Oh, okay. No one likes a flaky shoulder. I think Henry puts shampoo on his entire body, too.

It's possible. Yeah, he does. He does? He does need to run dry. He's got hair all over him. Oh, that's a good point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to date a girl who would only use shampoo.

She didn't have soap. She never had soap in her bathroom. Well, what's the difference? Shampoo is soap. It dries you out, though. It's fucking weird. That used to date a girl who would only use shampoo. She didn't have soap. She never had soap in her bathroom. What's the difference? Shampoo is soap. It dries you out, though. It's fucking weird. That's the difference. It's bad for your skin.

It is? Why'd you put it on your head, then? Because it's different. Because it's different. It's just your hair, because it mostly gets the hair. I don't use shampoo. Yeah, I don't either. What?

Yeah, I haven't washed my hair in, like, four months. You're supposed to have natural grease, and I don't even have that much grease. Yeah, me neither. My hair's really nice. Yeah, I haven't washed it. This is four months without washing my hair. Yeah, but your hair looks terrible. No, it doesn't.

That's good. It does look pretty awful. No, I think it's fine. I think it's fine. The thing was, it looked bad when I washed it with shampoo, too. Yeah, yeah. So it doesn't matter what I do, so I might as well save money. Well, you're supposed to do conditioner more than you do shampoo.

You don't shampoo every day. Oh, I don't think you're supposed to condition every day, either. Bad for your hair. Maybe I can try something different. Just condition? Yeah, just condition. I want to shave my head, but I can't because then I just look like a monkey skinhead. Yeah, that's right.

Right now, just don't look like a skinhead. We don't need that. We don't need any of that. I got the monkey-ness going on. That's never going to go away. I don't need to look like a skinhead. When's the last time you hopped in a tree? A couple months. That's a gonna go away But I don't need to look like a skinhead When's the last time you hopped in a tree? A couple months

That's what you need man Last time I was in Texas We gotta get you in some trees I love trees You guys have never seen me climb before I have seen you climb before And it is impressive I can imagine

He's got the wingspan He's got the big hands So he's able to just like grasp and you just go da-da-da-da-da-da-da He's like, ah!

No, he's silent. Yeah. It's terrifying. And then he makes a call from up top and then, you know, the other ones come. Man,

we had a real good tree right by my house when I was in LA. I was so tempted to be in that tree, man. But, you know, it was the neighborhood wasn't, you know, we were Beverly Hills right by the office so you can't have nigg was in L.A., I was so tempted to be in that tree, man. But, you know, it was the neighborhood. We were in Beverly Hills right by the office.

You can't have niggas and trees in Beverly Hills. And every day I was tempted, man. I'm like, I don't want to get in that fucking tree. The most anyone's going to do is see you and go, huh. People are so crazy. They'll be like, they'll do that. They'll be like, what? It's better than having them on the ground.

Okay. That'll happen. That'll happen. Pipe Team 69 says Holden Tater's whore. Tell Ed he needs more love. Jackie too.

She's the queen of the round table. Glad Kevin's back. He's the best comedian on the round table. He's actually the best comedian on the round table.

That is actually true. I'm headlined on comedian on the round table. It is actually true. I'm headlined on October 20th in Cleveland. Come watch me bomb miserably. There you go. Play some Overwatch comp

with me if you're a real gamer girl. I'll play Mercy. Spam and Chip says, yo, shout out request. Hold on, I'll get off my Vita and finally buy a PS4

to play you if you can stop getting myself arrested for pissing in the street and missing work as a result. Also, at the last podcast show in Glasgow, I told Ben I was romantically in love with him, but after much thought, I realized

it's only platonic. Love all of CCR. Keep up the good work, everyone. X, X, X, X, X. Backtrack, backtrack, backtrack. I love that we had a full relationship with her, but I don't even know who that is. She was just like, I was in love with you, but now it's platonic. I don't know you. I have no idea what happened.

What did I not do or do that made it platonic all of a sudden? Dan Bear Pig, hey there, Holden. First time caller, long time listener. We've heard from Dan Bear Pig multiple times. We've definitely heard from Dan Bear Pig a lot. Just wanted to get a shout out to let you know that that shout out you did last week and the sexy nurse voice made me incredibly uncomfortable. And this is coming from a big fan of last podcast.

Don't do that, that man I feel dirty now anyway much love baby girl PS how about you play a fucking game with me while you're at it peace kingmob1911 PS4 shout out Ed has our favorite laugh sorrowfully this is our only knowing whale song my species he will get it

alright there it is I don't get it. That was good. Gadoby says, if you combine Henry and Ben, you would make an actual Sasquatch. Love you and your slimy lizard asshole. And you all should thank Marcus for running these pieces of art. It'll happen, which is wrong. It's that'll happen.

Also, tell Ed he can suck a bag of chodes. That's been your PlayStation Network shout out. A mean one towards the end there. Yeah, a bag of chodes. That's been your PlayStation Network shout-out. A mean one towards the end there. Yeah, a bag of them. I mean, well, if you like chodes, it's nice. Well, that's true. I guess deep frying or something like that. Maybe like jerky, yeah.

Yeah, salty. You know, there's something to it. Like a pork rind. Yeah, or like the calamari that's really just pig asshole. Yeah, I love a pig asshole calamari. I don't give a fuck, man. Is it chewy? Can I dip it? Yes. I don't give a fuck, man. Is it chewy? Can I dip it?

Yes. I don't think that that... Calamari, they don't lie to you like that. It's always... Oh, they lie. Yeah? Not all the time, but... Yeah, a lot of times, huh? If there's no tentacles... Ah, seems like that's an urban legend. Whoa!

We've got lies coming from Ed Larson and Jackie Zabrowski. I mean, every time you eat calamari in front of Henry, he's like, probably pig assholes. You think about eating a pig's asshole right now every single time. Well. But that's an older brother thing, I guess. That's an older brother thing, I guess. Mm-hmm.

It came from a This American Life episode. Really? Whoa. So those fuckers started it. They have national public radio. Wow. It came from an email. Cut the funding.

0.00001% of the budget. Cut their funding. Cut it. Filthy, stinky, disgusting liberals running the planet these days telling us how to tie our shoes and where our children can and can't go to school. Well, I'll tell you what, you gross, filthy, patchouli-wearing liberals. You can all get upside down and go to work that way. See how you can fucking do a job when everybody asks you a question

but they're talking to your dick. Amen, brother. Powerful political commentary. The cronkite of our time. Good night and go fuck yourself. You better watch your coattails, man. I like it, I want them on my side I'm his PR guy

What do you call him? Speaker? I'm his speaker I answer the questions I'm like that other guy in the White House Press secretary It's a woman Sarah Huckabee Sanders He's really up on the times

Holden really knows what's going on I know woman. Yeah, Sarah Huckabee Sanders. He's really up on the times. Holden really knows what's going on. Holden, what was that? I mean, I know you don't know Sarah Huckabee Sanders, but what was the name of the last press secretary? Shiner. Shiner Bosa. Surprisingly close. Is she big?

Is she large? The last one was a man, and he had decent tits. Yes. Yeah, he did. Yes, Sarah Huckabee Sanders is big. She's a larger person. Yeah, she's Mike Huckabee's daughter. She looks just like Monica Lewinsky. Yeah. No, he did. Yes, Sarah Huckabee Sanders is... She's a larger person. Yeah, she's Mike Huckabee's daughter. She looks just like Monica Lewinsky.

Yeah. No, she doesn't. She looks a lot like Monica Lewinsky. Monica Lewinsky's much prettier than Sarah Huckabee Sanders. You think so? Yeah. Well, we shouldn't get into the features of these people, but she's an intense woman. I will say that.

She is scary. She'll scream at you. Yeah. Yeah. That's her job. Yeah, that's what she does. Interesting gal. All right, job. Yeah, that's what she does. Interesting gal. All right, Marcus.

What about Kevin? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. My head is full of mead from last night. I'm sorry. Ow. All right. Wow.

Man, you try to blow up on all this political shit. You forget about my platform with these goats, man. I'm right here. You forget about the goat platform. I'm here, man. It's Kevin Barnett, a.k.a. Bird Luger. I just remembered how much I hated that neighborhood I lived in. All my neighbors, man.

They would get mad at me every day because I was playing Danny Brown too late at night. They were yelling at me all the time. I mean, it's so aggressive, though. The new Danny Brown album is awesome. It's hard to listen to. And it's some real sad shit. But I would be blasting it, and they get pissed off at me. And I got so mad to the point that I remember at one point,

my neighbor downstairs, she had just had surgery. She was like, Kevin, can you just please turn it down just a little bit sometimes? I'm trying to recover from this surgery. Both bad, man. I don't know. Turn it down. You're a bad person.

I'm not a bad person, man. I was just simply trying to listen to my music and get in these trees, man. I got yelled at for listening to R.E.M. too loud in college. Automatic for the people. So I understand what you're going through, Kevin. Exactly, man. She's recovering from her surgery or whatever, but he's trying to recover his mind from just the fucking day's events.

He's got to listen to music. It was constant Danny Brown and Battlefield 1 with Subwoofer and just it blowing up all the time. That's a loud fucking game. They weren't happy with me, man. I'm sure they're very glad I'm gone. I bet it was just Josh calling them to beg them

to ask you to turn it down. I'm scared of him. I don't know what to say. Marcus, should we do news stories today? I got a news story. Do we have one? How far did we make it? I got plenty. We have 21 minutes.

That wasn't very good. We have 20 more minutes to go. Yeah. Not bad at all. A plastic surgery addict claims a botched nose job has left him with a painful and permanent erection. Whoa. How is that possible? A bad nose job?

He's from Croatia. Oh, was he doing a handstand? Ooh. Holden. So he's a bastard then. You don't like the Croatian people. What's wrong with you? What about Tony Kukoc? Who?

The Croatian sensation. The Michael Jordan of Croatia. Oh, yeah. Tony Kukoc. We used to call this really pretty girl, Helen Stampilia, the Croatian of Croatia. Oh, yeah. Tony Kukoc. We used to call this really pretty girl, Helen Stampilia, the Croatian Sensation. No, it's Tony Kukoc who is. All right, fine. He can play basketball, but can he swim? Yes.

Is he good? Can he play poker well? Well, probably. Can he play chess? Can he get out there? Can he do croquet? You got to be well-rounded. These Croatians, they're way too focused on one thing.

That's what gets them into trouble. What kind of trouble do they get into? Oh, being mean to people. What are their popular crimes? They do not shower. That's untrue. Horrible B.O. Terrible B.O., yes.

Wonderful smelling people. Well, let's hear about this guy. Reality TV star Nevin Siganovich flew to Iran to have an operation to fix his crooked nose, but when the 45-year-old returned home to the Serbian capital of Belgrade, he began to suffer long-lasting erections. The Croatian stylist said, I was in Iran for rhinoplasty for the documentary film that Channel Film is filming covering my life. We did not record the surgery, but only the consultation sessions with the doctor.

They gave me the general anesthesia and I reacted badly to it. Here's a picture of this man. Oh my goodness. Oh, I like the kiss tattoos. His tattoos all over his chest. Yeah, because that's where you kiss. No, not kiss like the band though. No, like lips.

Lips. Not lips like, you know, Rolling Stones. It's more like Rolling Stones. And then he has a tattoo that says, I will never forget across his chest. Is that 9-11? It can't be. I don't think it's 9-11. I think you'll never forget the kisses on his chest.

I'll never forget all of the ladies. All the ladies? Is that what it is? Yeah, I think that's what it is. God, this guy is fascinating looking. 34 Bo Jackson's number. He's a plastic surgery addict. That's what they're doing the story about.

Oh, I see. This was bound to happen to him. Yeah, pre-opism is what it's called. So it is a medical thing. Oh, yeah, pre-opism absolutely can happen. When a guy gets an erection, it just won't go away because it gets really painful after a while because a dick is not meant to be constantly hard.

Because it works. Anesthesia? Well, they're trying to figure out what is going on. If it lasts longer than four hours, that's when it's considered a medical error. You get a drain. And you have to get a drain. They go to the hospital. Yeah, you just cut it, right?

No, they put a needle in there and drain it. Oh, is that right? It's incredibly painful. Intensely painful. Yeah, I've read some horror stories online. I bet you have. Why? What do they do?

They take it out with a syringe? Well, yeah, any coagulants used to thin the blood, such as warfarin and heparin, are linked to pre-epism, as are drugs used to treat erectile dysfunction. They say anything that affects the nervous system can trigger pre-epism. So you can, if your nervous system gets all whacked out, ah, your nervous system gets all whacked out. Did you see something?

I did see something, yes. If you see something, say something. You gotta say something. We see it, you guys. I'm sure you guys do. You're gonna hide that from us, Marcus? If he's in the pool, he is riding some kind of... Riding a giant penis. Riding a gigantic inflatable penis. I don't think he. He's in the pool. He is riding some kind of... Riding a giant penis.

Riding a gigantic inflatable penis. I don't think he's ever going to forget the women. This is interesting. You can tell he actually didn't work out for those pecs. Those are fake pecs. Yeah. How do you know? Because they're not normal.

That's not like a workout. There's not muscle in there. Yeah, he just got pecs. Don't you think, Kev? I think it's a combination of things. The guy looks like he's pretty proportionate, unless it's all... I think it's just weird. Don't you think, Kev? I think it's a combination of things. The guy looks like he's pretty proportionate, unless it's all... I think it's all fake. He looks like if Vanilla Ice and one of the Barbie twins made it.

And that baseball hat is actually his skin. Oh. He had it created. What a guy. I'm still very jealous of his body. My friend in high school had a poster of the Barbie Twins in his room, and I was just blown away. I couldn't believe it.

The Barbie Twins are very strange-looking people from the early 1990s, mid-'80s as well. I think they were around then. And every carnival had the Barbie Twins poster that you could win if you popped a couple of balloons. Oh, yeah, that's right. I remember them. What did they do?

They were just twins. I don't know what happened. There were two hot blonde twins. There was something going on in the 80s and the 90s where people were very attracted to twins, which I think is extremely strange. The double mint twins. The double mint twins. Because it's going to be awkward. The Mentos girls. It's going to be so weird. It was like Playboy with the triplets.

Then I actually tried to imagine having sex with all three of them. That would be so gross and weird. I had no problem with it. At one point, it would be like, you know, you're fucking- It's just weird. Yeah. It's all weird.

You're just all kind of in the same room together. They're all there, but they're talking about their- They're doing their thing. They're talking about goss if they're not in the action. I hear you. There's a lot of goss going on. A lot of goss. Hot goss.

Hot goss 2017. 2017, dude. This year's been so full of sticky, delicious gossip. It's been nothing but a goss year. Nothing but a goss year. There's been a lot of goss this year? Yeah, it's been a lot of sticky, delicious gossip. It's been nothing but a goss year. Nothing but a goss year. It's been a lot of goss this year? Yeah, it's been a lot of goss. Really?

Jackie is a carnival act right now. I'm not the only hot goss. There's lots of hot goss. Everybody's got hot goss. She's just one slice of the pie. Yeah. But she is... I think you've got to stop telling Holden information, Jackie.

I don't tell Holden information. He's alluding to you telling him information. That's what makes it hot goss is that she doesn't tell Holden but Holden finds out anyway. It's a round. Really? And I don't tell Holden either. Yeah. I don't know who's telling Holden.

No one's telling me anything. Jackie gets a little loose-lipped but she gets hammered. Me? Oh, I see. Jackie? Well, it's not going to be loose-lipped.

Let's not get all double entendre here, please. All right. So this guy has an erection problem. It's just big. Just get rid of it. Cut it off. No, not cut it off, but drain it.

I don't know. It seems like an easy problem to fix. Maybe I'm naive. How long has he had this? Does he drink a bunch of whiskey or take some acid or something? I'm trying to figure out what's going on with the pre-epis. Because at that point, you can't even touch it, right? You can't even do anything yourself?

Sometimes it's the arteries that... Because what it is is that the blood goes in, but the blood can't come back out again. That's why you get it. So they have to maybe snip an artery or two. Shut the door on the way out. You can take a decongestant. Oh, there you go.

Like a Claritin? That's going to be crazy. It's going to be nuts to be addicted to plastic surgery. The whole thing seems so horrible, getting cut open like that on a regular basis. Kanye's mom, R.A.P. Yeah, and it happens to a lot of people. That's why I'm not getting my body contour surgery. You decided against it.

Well, I'm just horrified that I'm going to die. And that's just not how I want to die. They also cut you completely open. They cut you all around. Yeah, they treat you like a shrimp, you know, getting de-shelled. Yeah, you know why they're like, knowing you died because you didn't think

you were beautiful. I'm not beautiful. It's not that my body is horrible. But I just have to live with it because I did it to myself by overeating for 18 years. Oh, you've always been big. Thank you, Ed. Were you a thin child?

No. You were a fat child, right? I've been fat. I've been fat. I've been down the road. You're. Thank you, Ed. Were you a thin child? No. You were a fat child, right? I've been fat. I've been fat. I've been down the road. You're not fat now, though. That's great. I'm still fat.

Live your truth, Ben. Thank you, Holden. Yeah, you know, that's how I feel. I was like, well, you know, I was born fat. It's not like people who are born skinny. But you're a good-looking fat, though. I'm supposed to be fat. Exactly.

If I was thin, I'd probably be ugly. Yeah, I would, too. It wouldn't make any sense. It would be totally, because your body is thick, strong. There's a whole bunch of meat in there. It's on, it's pressed in tight. I know it. If I was fat,

it would look absolutely awful. It would just be your stomach, and everything else would probably be the same. See, that's exactly what's happening. That's exactly what's happening to me, because I'm starting to get a bit of a belly going. Yeah, like my toes are fat. Yeah.

I've just got this weird like kind of belly. What's going to happen? I know what's going to happen is that all this stress that's fucking getting to me is my belly's just going to get really big from eating all this

because I'm eating constantly. And then my hair's going to fall off. So I'm just going to be like this weird baby face guy with a fucking bald head and a big belly. Yeah, you're a monster. You're going to look like a yellow bastard. I, you were a monkey. You're going to look

like Yellow Bastard. I know. That's exactly what I'm going to look like because my ears are too big for my head too. Oh, no.

I got this monkey body. You're going to look great. You're going to be like a wiry Paul Giamondi. Oh, that's not bad. That's not bad. That's worse.

Or like Milhouse's dad. Oh, yeah. I don't want to be like Kirk Van... Can I borrow a feeling? Can I borrow a feeling? Give me a glove of love. Great. Hurting hearts need some healing.

There it is. That's a fact. Uh-huh. We start that. That's a fact. That's a fact. I'll tell you what, boys. That's a fact. And that's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. And that's a fact.

That's a fact now. I can't wait to be old. That's a fact. No matter what someone says. I was just thinking how much ice cream I'll get to eat when I'm old and not feel bad about it at all. Because that's what old people do, right? They get that ice cream. That's like what they get.

They always have sweets and treats and brownies and ice cream. Because you can't chew anymore. Yeah. You slide it down your gullet. And you just don't feel bad because you're just like

I'm on death's door. I can eat this fucking ice cream. That's a fact. Perfect. I love it. Alright Marcus any other stories

we want to get to today? A woman who threw her poo out her date's toilet window because it wouldn't flush had to be rescued

after she got stuck trying to retrieve it. Yeah I saw this one. So she took the shit out of her date's toilet window because it wouldn't flush. Had to be rescued after she got stuck trying to retrieve it. Yeah, I saw this one. So she took the shit out of the window? No, she took a dump in the toilet, tried to flush, it wouldn't flush, so she picked it up and threw it out the window, but she didn't throw it hard enough

and it got stuck in another window and so she reached out to try to grab the shit so she could drop it in the garden below, but she got stuck instead. It was like a weird double window or some shit. Yeah, it was a weird double window. What the fuck? I keep hearing stories like this popping up of girls fishing poop out of people's... I haven't shat in somebody's house that's not a blood relative.

I don't think ever. Like, why are these people doing it? She's on the first Tinder date. I don't understand. Yeah, it's crazy. It's wild. Also, send a message. Leave, why are these people doing it? She's on the first Tinder date. I don't understand. Yeah, it's crazy. It's wild. Also, send a message. Leave the poop.

What does it mean? I heard a story like that. There was this girl I was seeing for a little bit. One of her friends apparently met this dude. Maybe I shouldn't name the guy. But, like, he was a famous person. They ended up hooking up, right? And the next morning,

you know, why this shit is so prevalent, the girl is, like, taking a dump. He's like, oh, before he left, he's like, oh, you can stay. That's a drinking all night long. Yeah, he's like, stay as long as you want or, you know, room service or whatever. And she's like, okay. And she goes to take this dump.

It doesn't flush. She panics. She don't want to call room service or whatever. She can't leave because if she leaves, the door locks. So she fishes the thing out, wraps it up in whatever she's going to wrap it up in, and then as she's leaving, she's like, I'm going to write this guy a note and say how great of a time I had. But she set

the thing down next to the note, walked out, and forgot it. Oh, the door locked behind her? The door locked behind her. Oh, my God. I had an amazing evening with you. You were the best I ever had. And then accompanied by a bunch of poop. What's this?

Must be a gift. What just went through his head seeing that fucking note? Bobcat Goldthwait. Is that who it was? Is that who it was? Yes. Yeah. Poop is a funny message to send someone.

You know, what does it all mean? What does it all mean? Oh. Oh. Oh, that's... Yeah, explain yourself. It's a song. It's a song.

Yeah. I had a no-flush experience recently in a Perkins. In a Perkins? Yeah, I was at a Perkins. What's a Perkins? It's like a nice Denny's. It's like an IHOP. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, they're the best restaurants. Like a Hojo? No, no, no. Perkins areOP. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, they're the best restaurants. Like a Hojo? No, no, no. Perkins are phenomenal. Yeah, fuck your Hojo. No, it's not pancakes. I mean, that's what I get there. Well, you can get

whatever you want to get there. It's the best restaurant that's ever existed. You ever been to a clock diner? It's kind of like a clock. It's not like a... Perkins is Perkins. No, I've never heard of a clock diner.

I've been to a Mel's. Mel's is awesome, man. Mel's sucks. I thought everybody knew Perkins. I thought Perkins was everywhere. Perkins is everywhere, but it's mostly in the Midwest and the South. I know Perkins. I don't know if I've ever thought everybody knew Perkins I thought Perkins was everywhere Perkins is everywhere But it's mostly in the Midwest And the South I know Perkins

I don't know if I've literally Fucked with Perkins Oh my god Gotta check out Perkins I fucked with the Perkins I had a great time though I used to get the Large appetizer sampler

And just plow it down Apparently it makes Your fucking shit fall out Well that happened So what happened then Well the problem is After drinking for four days in a row You know

I went in And it just wouldn't flush and so i was like well i guess that happened and i left but then sam our friend went in right after me she's like someone took this horrendous dump and i was like that was totally me that was me and she's like well you know what i did she's like i shit on top of your shit and i left both of our shits and it was I was like, all you shit are my shit. You gotta go. Sometimes you gotta go. And we had to go.

Oh my God. We called ourselves the No Flush Club. But the problem was that her husband went into the bathroom, came out, and he's like,

man, we gotta find another place. Like, the men's bathroom always also wasn't flushing, but he couldn't shit on top of other people. It's disgusting. It's common human decency.

I don't think I'd be able to plop on someone else's plop. No way. I have the suggestion that someone else is in there. And when you do that, it breaks the other shit up and the smell is... And this is exactly why I've always said, trust not a bitch. There's shit everywhere.

Oh my god. That is wild stuff. You ever pee on a bunch of shit in everywhere. Oh my goodness. There's shit in a load of places. That is wild stuff. You ever pee in a bunch of shit, break it up? No, no, no. I do nothing. When it comes to the bathroom, when it comes to the bathroom,

if it remotely looks like someone had been there within the past 15 minutes, I can't do it. I hate public bathrooms already. If someone leaves a little shit on the side of the toilet bowl, you know,

and it scrapes down and someone just can't. I don't mess with it. I always try to pee it off. Oh, I don't mess with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You always lend a helping hand. Well, you know,

the airplane is one of the more difficult places to get over this phobia when it comes to public bathrooms. Well, that you just don't fit in side. Oh, I don't fit in side, number one,

but then some people, I think they stand to pee in the airplane. Yeah. Which is, I think they stand to pee in the airplane. Yeah. Which is a, you can't stand to pee in an airplane. Oh, yeah. I do. I stand to pee.

No, you gotta sit to pee. No, I stand to pee. No, you're wrong. Are you kidding me? You stand over the toilet and you pee. They have a bar you can hold. You are the maniacs. You are the faces of everyone that I hate.

Wow, Ben Kissel running for office. He's an anti-urination camper. Anti-urination camper. Marcus, am I wrong? You have to sit to pee on an airplane or any moving vessel because you're moving. My shit don't all fit in there. Oh my god. My nuts touched the side.

Yeah, you don't want none of that. Oh my goodness. First he came for the people who stood to piss in the airplane. Oh, don't even do it. And I said nothing. You said a lot of stuff, actually. You constantly say something. I don't understand this, man. You just going to pee sitting down because of the sky?

You weaker than the sky, man? Oh, my God. You guys are maniacs. I'm right about this, Marcus. I'm not weaker than the sky. Exactly. This is not about being weaker or stronger than the sky. I would say women probably stand up.

Why would women stand up? What the? You know why they stand up? Because they're in the sky, man. They feel free. Oh, goodness. I can't. You get a piece of paper, make it a funnel.

You can just stand. The pee will just drop right into that. Right into the... You gotta sit to pee on an airplane. No. That is... Marcus, I'm right about the. You got to sit to pee on an airplane. No. That is. Marcus, I'm right about this. You don't have to.

But I don't ever sit to pee in an airplane. You don't? No. You're the only one out of all of us. That's how you protect the sanctity of the bathroom. Make it clean. Who gives a fuck about the bathroom? Because we all have to share it. We're on an airplane.

So you wipe it down. You wipe it down. Oh my God. If you make a mistake. Wow. We don't fly Spirit Airlines. Not anymore. We fly Delta. And sometimes Frontier.

Yeah, Delta's the best. Delta SkyMiles. I love Delta. All right. Well, that's very interesting. I thought for sure that everyone had the idea to understand that people are, it's a public use space. Well, if you make a mistake, you clean up after yourself. Yeah. All right. Yeah, put some toilet paper on the floor. Well, if you make a mistake, you clean up after yourself. Yeah. All right.

Yeah. Put some toilet paper on the floor, rub it around with your foot. See you later. And isn't that what America is all about? Yeah. Doing it your own way. And then if you fuck it up,

you take care of it. Yeah. I did it my own way. And not telling each other how to do things. I'm not telling anyone how to do things. Like a Canadian. Right. I'm not.

Oh my dad, Marcus. Do not call me a Canadian. You need a sign. Oh, you don't want to do it. You're Oh, my dad, Marcus. Do not call me a Canadian. You need a sign. Oh, you don't want to do it. You're doing it the wrong way. I guess if you want to do it your way, you can.

Uh-huh. What are you, a filthy Alaskan? Oh, well, I like the Alaskan people. All right. Never mind, then. I do recommend sitting, though, just to preserve the cleanliness of the bathroom.

Do you ever sit backwards when you shit? No, I don't. Man, it slides right out. Like a P.C. Slater shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. P.C. Slater shit? It's good if you want to read. It's really good.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. The coolest pooper in town. Yeah. Or play chess with yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I like to do. That's actually a fun idea, the backwards toilet.

Every once in a while, like twice a year, it's fun. Only twice a year? Absolutely. Really? Yeah, a little backwards shit. As a shenanigans. Break it up. Switch it up.

I don't think I ever heard of that. Don't do it barefoot. There's a lot of pee back there. Oh, I see. Bad stuff back there. Definitely use the shoes. I never heard of that. Never thought about that.

Every day you learn something new. Yeah. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's. Yeah. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact.

That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. That's a fact. All right.

Anything else, Marcus? That's a fact. You know what? I'd like to add another one. Can't argue against that. Can't argue against that. That's a really good one. Oh, we're slowly getting old.

Isn't that fun? Adidas Germany has launched a vomit-proof and water-repellent shoe specifically for Oktoberfest. Wow. Now, how is it vomit-repellent? You just, you vomit on it and it just goes, no, mister. Does it say no, mister? Yeah. It sounds like this is just a rubber boot.

Nine product. It's made out of the same thing they make the subways out of. Oh, I see. Do you remember those pants that you could spill anything on and they would just come right off? Whatever happened to the pants? I don't remember those. No. The pants that you couldn't get soaked with water?

No. Were they plastic or something? I don't know. I've seen a video. I remember, yeah. Yeah, a video where they throw a bunch of ink on a guy and it all comes off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Short-lived.

Really? I don't think they ever sold it, though. It doesn't sound like it would be comfortable. Yeah, that's the problem. Did they? Yeah. Because you want comfortability. I mean, a stain will happen.

Yeah. You know. A stain will happen. A stain that'll happen. That's a fact. But, yeah, very intriguing. A lot of fashion trends out there. So, no vomit shoes.

I guess that's good. Yeah. I suppose that's fine. Now, is it just vomit, or I guess it would have to be anything? I just feel like the German people, when it comes to Oktoberfest, don't vomit that much.

That's why they're strong, good, German, beer-drinking people. Oh, God, they're so good at it. Yeah. I mean, they vomit enough where they made shoes that don't get vomit. Yeah, it's true. I'll tell you what,

if you've got vomit-resistant shoes, you might as well throw the socks in, too. Yeah. I don't think I get it. They are low tops. Oh, they're low tops. Is that a real epidemic in Germany right now? Vomit on shoes?

Enough, I guess. I don't think I've ever vomited on my own shoes before, and I'm proud of myself. Yeah, just in my purse. Oh, that happens. That'll happen. Absolutely. Not on my shoes that happens. That'll happen. Absolutely. That's a fact. Not on my shoes, though.

Yeah. I'm classy. I don't know one girl that hasn't at some point vomited in the purse. You have to. It's a great thing to do. You have to.

Yeah, clean it up later. Yeah. Deal with the consequences and you fucking deal. I just zipped it up and left it there for a few days. Oh, wow.

Oh, it was bad. Did you have stuff? I mean... Oh, yeah. I had everything in it and I had my whole life inside of it. You you have stuff? Oh, yeah, I had everything in it. I had my whole life inside of it. You should have seen my keys. I did get my keys out.

I got the keys out. I got the keys out so I could get my house. Your wallet and your license? Yeah, oh, yeah, it was awful. Yeah, I even happened to have my Social Security card in there. That was dumb. Had to really wring that out for a while. I got a new one.

That's good, Jack. All right. I got a new one. That's good. That's a good check. Yeah. All right. Well, there we go. Yeah, but I mean, have you ever had to pay a fucking cab cleaning fee before? I've never vomited in a cab.

Yeah, you just get out. Yep. What'd you do for the three days? I don't understand. It's just sitting there and you just lived your life like a serial killer that kills somebody

and just goes back to work? I had my keys. I was like, well, I've got my keys, so I just won't spend any money. And I was making tips at the time, so I'd make the cash and put it in my pocket and then be like, well, that's my life now. Until I had to go in there, and then I had to go excavate my holes, and that was rough. Oh, yikes.

What did you eat that day? Well, it was because I was doing the fucking, we've talked about this before, we were doing the Brain and the Beast. Brain and the Beast. I was drinking vodka. No, I was drinking Red Bull vodka. Yeah, we were

Brain and the Beast. That was the last time I've had a vodka Red Bull was that night because I probably had I think 15 of them. That must have been 10 years ago.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So at least I've grown up. Yeah, you absolutely have. Now you just tell the stories if you vomited in the purse. You don't vomit in the purse. Not anymore. And I don't need vomit-free shoes either.

That's right. There it is. You know what? I don't think any of us do. Congratulations, guys. We really made it. I vomited on my shoes multiple times. You did?

Yeah. Really? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to vomit constantly. Yeah, so I did just get up. Oh, yeah, man. But he was eating rocks and stuff. That's still one of my favorite stories. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to vomit constantly. Yeah, so I'd just get up. Oh, yeah, man. I was very stealthy. But he was eating rocks and stuff.

That's still one of my favorite stories. Yeah, yeah. When drinking, I'd vomit all the, like, I'd just fucking, like, get it all out of there and just go right back to the game. Puking rally. Oh, yeah. We'll do that on Saturday. We're watching the Texas Tech game on Saturday.

Let's get vomiting our shoes drunk. That would be fun. If I'm returning to college, oh, I'm getting vomit on my shoes. Let's do it, then. I'll wear rain boots, man. That's why you don't need the fucking shoes. Wear rain boots. Get your guns out.

There it is. Wow. That's a fact. I'm going to have to see that. Can't wait. Can't argue with that. Oh, God. Oh, no.

Get your guns out. Oh, God. Oh, no. Get your guns up. Yep, there it is. Can't get your guns up, sir. You do it. Powerful stuff. Real powerful. All right, Marcus, what do we want to do? We want to do a segment from Paul McNeely.

Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Prison reform. Oh, wow. How do we get these prisoners back in society Let's release them all But how do you do it Well I'll start

You fucks What I'm gonna do is this I say hey You got one year left One year And this is the deal To everybody For everybody

Even death row Even death row And what I say is And you'll spin that last year In this amazing theme park we built For the prisoners So it'll be a big, awesome theme park. Roller coasters, rides, games, just like dance parties, awesomeness, just fun.

You know, maybe special, like a special drinking area. People can handle that maybe. If you want to maybe make a little money, you can work at the theme park, but it's not really about that. Filled with like 3 million people. Just every, yeah. Well, maybe we'll have a few based around the country or something like that. But you spend your entire last year partying it up at a theme park, feeling the love. Because that's what they need is love, right?

Because they're too busy being like, oh, people hurt and everything. I don't know what goes through their minds. I'm not a criminal. But either way, it must be evil, right? And terrible. I don't think so. I think they just kind of miss their families a lot I think

they need some love alright so that's what we'll do and the families will make mascot versions of their families and they can like

dance and play with them they'll be like a little horrified country bear jamboree sort of version of their family members

that'll like play them animatronic songs and stuff songs like I hate you dad why come you're never around? Well, yeah, we'll tweak them, but yeah, some version of that. So there you go. That's my fucking winning answer. Kevin?

Well, I think, you know, the problem with when you release prisoners and they fall back into the same crimes and things, it's a force of habit and need. So what you do is you remove the need and you get rid of even the possibility of the habit. So people that do breaking and entering unlock all the houses. So they can't break. So you're just saying anarchy. Just unlock all the houses. The people that want to murder people, make sure everybody want to kill, already dead.

This is how you solve power hole way the criminal justice system works. I don't understand. I don't understand. I get it 100%. I get it 100%. The things they want to steal, just place them out.

Just let them. So you just let, so you just stop punishing them for their crimes and make it easier for them. Exactly. If it's not a crime, they didn't commit one.

You're right. You know what? There's right and there's, they didn't commit one. You're right. You know what? There's right and there's wrong and there's a law. That's right. That's a fact. Well, we got to legalize it. That's number one.

Legalize marijuana. Yeah, we're going to get some platform. Do away with mandatory minimums. We got to get rid of incarcerating people for nonviolent offenses. And we have to start

rebuilding the American family. All right. We've heard the sound bits before, Ben Gisle, but I want the answer that's not just the classic sound bits that you've rehearsed.

You know what you do? Yeah. Bouncy house. Yay! That's it. All prisons become bouncy houses. Have a little fun in there.

Yeah. That is going to probably work a little bit until the shivs start coming out. Well, that'll break the bouncy house. If you break the bouncy house, you're back in the hole. You're back in the hole. Yeah. Yeah, blow it back up yourself.

That's it. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's not easy to do. I was actually kicked out of a bouncy house in eighth grade because it was too big. Yeah. Oh, well, I knocked it over, basically. What's the full-grown man doing in here?

And I was like, I'm 12. And they're like, okay, idiot. Get out of here. I ruined a over, basically. What's the full-grown man doing in here? And I was like, I'm 12. And they're like, okay, idiot. Get out of here. I ruined a bouncy house once. I think I've told this story before, but they gave me, I got fake scar makeup on my arm, like big fake gooey makeup on my arm to make it look like I had a giant cut. And then I was like, oh, time to go to the bouncy house. And I went in the bouncy house and just got all that gross makeup stuff all over the bouncy house.

And all of a sudden, all the kids are screaming, ew, ew, and the whole thing had to be excavated and I ruined Bouncy House. It's a tough place, the Bouncy House. Send them to Canada. Battle Royale them.

Cool. Everyone's gonna fucking watch their reality show. Let's just see, let's just see how it goes. Oh, that works out. You, con.

That's what it's gonna be fucking called. God damn it, that's what it's gonna be fucking called. Yeah, it was really good. That's what it's oh wow god damn it that's what it's gonna be fucking called yeah that was really

good that's what it's gonna be called UConn and uh and we'll watch them they'll all fucking murder

each other Ed with the assist that was great thank you I knocked it out but you fucking

UConn's great I mean I think it's great uh I was gonna say set him to the moon but Canada's the same

you know I say let him out on the weekends I truly do I mean fucking who cares whatever you say Dukakis I was going to say set him to the moon, but Canada's the same. You know, I say let him out on the weekends. I truly do. I mean, fuck it. Who cares? Whatever you say, Dukakis.

Wow. You know, you rope him back in as if they don't come back and you catch him again, you slap another decade on their sentence. Well, that's what happened to Karl Pan's room, and it kind of worked. It kind of worked until it did not work. I mean, that would have been good to see their families once a week and get to know them. And the people don't hate them when they get out of jail. They could even work on the weekends, for Christ's sake. Make some money. Let each be president for one day.

Oh, that's kind of cute. President for a day. President for a day. Oh, also. Non-violent offenders. They got to get better food. They get bad food. They get horrible food.

They get really bad food. I mean, it just makes them angrier. Yeah. You got to do everything. They're already angry. They're in there because. I mean, it just makes them angrier. Yeah. You got to do everything. They're already angry. They're in there because they did something wrong, and they're angry people, and you take away weed, and you take away good food, and you just make them worse. I love that these are the two biggest concerns that you think they have.

I'll tell you what. If everyone in jail smoked weed, they would stab each other a lot less. You're right. And porn. Access to pornography. Maybe they wouldn't fucking rape each other, and less. You're right. And porn. Access to pornography. Yeah, maybe they wouldn't fucking rape each other and they were allowed to jerk off the tits. These are all easy things.

Simple things. Real simple. Non-moldy sandwiches. Tits to look at. Out for the weekend. And what was the other one? That's it. Weed. Sounds like Rodney Dangerfield. Yeah, I vote Ed Larson for Brooklyn Borough President or whatever the thing is.

We're going with UConn. UConn! But since Ed came up with the name, he wins. Oh! Okay. Can we do halvesies? No. Give it Ed.

Five eights. He gets five eights. He gets three eights. Oh, damn it. I'm sorry, Jackie, but it at 5.8. He gets 5.8, she gets 3.8. Oh, damn it. It's about brand. I'm sorry, Jackie, but it's all about branding. I know it is all about branding. And we'll get some weed sponsors, and I'll get them high before they... Oh, yeah. Actually, no, we should get them amped up is what we should be doing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we get them some TVs. All right, everyone. Well, this is the roundtable. Anything that we want to plug here at the end of the episode, anything going on? I know there's a Murderfish show at the end of the month here. Yeah, 929, 11 p.m. at the Pit. Come check us out, man.

This will probably be our last show in New York for Jesus. I don't even know. Oh, yeah. It does. Henry will be there as well. That will be a very fun night. We'll all make sure to check that out. 929, be there at the Pit, 11 p.m.

What else is going on? Anything? Twitch.tv, Holdenators Ho. We've got Jackie doing Jackie's dating sims as usual. She got the bad end in Dandelion, which is brought to you.

So we'll maybe try to play that game again, but she will be probably having sex with the bad daddy coming up, I think, in a week or so. I don't know what it all means, but that's okay.

Fucking a bad daddy. Oh, my goodness. Let's not go there. All right. I'm doing that in shows, my goodness. Let's not go there. All right. Well, I am doing that in shows, man. Midwest. What are you doing? When are you going to Midwest?

Sisyphus. Sisyphus. September 21st to 23rd. Oh, okay. In Minneapolis, man. Are you excited about it? I don't know. Minneapolis is a great city.

We got a lot of fans out there. We got a lot of listeners in Minneapolis. We have a lot of friends out there. I saw people posting about it already. Oh, yeah. They're going to love it. I'm in your area doing your shit with your bitches, man. That's what's happening. Who you got opening for you?

I have no idea. Some local Minneapolis jerk-off? Yeah, I'm sure they're fine. So send Kevin your tapes if you're from Minneapolis. Send him your tapes. He wants to know who's a good local comedian that's going to bring some good people with decent humors? Good job, Eddie.

I'm certain they've already booked. I'm sure they haven't booked. And we want clean comedy only, please. Yes, clean Christian comedy, okay? No screws, no fucks. Exactly. No fucks. No fucks.

It's got to be stuff that Claudette Barnett would not consider slackness. Wow. All right. How is everyone in the family in the hurricane? Jackie? Fine. Good. My parents were literally fine.

Yeah, they're doing great. My father and my brother and his fiance, they were gloating. Yeah. They feel vindicated. They sent Ben pictures of the fiance dressed up like a clown on the beach. Yes, Tom has an interesting tradition of dressing up like a scary clown on the beach. Hurricanes?

Just for life, and I'll show it to you after the show. That's really weird. That's weird. Yeah, he's an interesting guy. They barely didn't die and then they make fun of you for caring. Yes. That was it. Alright, everyone.

Well, we hope everyone's surviving in Texas. Let's not forget about Hurricane Harvey. Absolutely. And, of course, with Irma in Florida. Katia. That's it. We'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening.

Peace.