The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 344: Swingin'

Episode Date: September 29, 2017

The gang is joined by Mookie Thompson and Molly Knefel to learn about a 30 year old murderous clown, a rescued piggy, and to tell tales of swingers parties gone wrong.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

Who's praying today? Mookie, you want to pray? Pray? Yeah, we pray before every roundtable. You've been here before. Oh, yeah. Mookie Thompson, everybody. Mookie is back.

Yeah, man. In Greenpoint. In Greenpoint. So, okay, I would like to say, first of all, big ups to the man, Jesus Christ himself. Everyone knows Jesus was black. Rock and roll. I'm not just saying that for Kevin's benefit I truly believe it yeah yeah he's just

dealt on the cross yeah he protested himself dude it was crazy so yeah this is how I pray man big ups to y'all first of all big ups to the weed goddess for you know keeping us all high. Yeah, yeah. She's a mean bitch. She's mean? I thought you figured you'd think she'd be nice. I got the monkey on my back, dude. Oh, you're sober now.

Yeah, no, not really. I'm trying, but I still smoke weed every day. Mookie's drinking Monster Rehab today. That's right. I'm a motherfucking monster, bro. Mookie, I feel like you are Bizarro Molly. What does that mean? Like, you're the Bizarro version of Molly who's on the show right now.

I thought you meant of the drug Molly. No, no, no, no. The person, the human being. No, I don't want it. I'm going clean. Not interested, because if you do have it, I don't care. Nice. Molly Duff is also here.

Molly. I'll get fucked up on some monster rehab. We don't have to be opposites. Hell yeah. Throw it down. Wait, wait. Mookie, is that the end of your prayer? Oh, yeah. First and foremost, fuck the world. Let's fuck it up. Amen.

Amen. Wow, all right. So we're sitting here. We got no host, Ben Kissel. I'm filling in. Ed Larson, I'm big and barely fit in this chair. What? It's the same chair that you sit in.

I'm overflowing it. We have six identical chairs here. I feel more comfortable in mine. There's no reason to sit where you're sitting either. You sound exactly the same. I know. It helps with the structure. It helps with the structure. It helps with the structure.

You keep things moving in a circle. The thing with Ed's chair over there is... See, watch this. Watch this. Jackie Zabrowski is also here. Yeah. Moving to the left. So then he can look at me directly and I like this.

You mean Jackie Zabrowski, boy inspector, is here. Got my boy inspector. Filthy, filthy woman. I got to inspect some boys. I got to see if they're good enough hello how young you like them oh man pretty uh now what are you looking for during these boy inspections what are the the different details the checklist i want to know i firmness okay it needs to be firm and it needs to be high and needs to be be tight. Hair length, I feel on their hair. I go into their earlobes.

Hair like on their chest? All of it. Oh, man, you gotta, you gotta, I strip them down, I finger them up. I can. And then I send them out the door. They stamp on their forehead whether they pass or whether they fucking fail.

It sounds like you're gonna eat these boys. I'm gonna glaze them. Molly, do you agree with these tactics? Certified organic. It sounds like you're actually wrapping them up and putting them in plastic and then shelving them. I agree with the tactics. I want to know, in terms of hair,

are you thinking you want more or less? It depends on the kind of hair. You know what I mean? You don't want flaky hair. Flaky. Like waspy. Like wispy. No one wants a wispy.

Are there certain locations where you want hair and certain locations where you don't want hair? Do you want a lumberjack type of man? I think I need to look at them with all their clothes off to really determine that. Thank you for asking, though. It's a very important question. Sometimes too sometimes too little yeah yeah yeah like a broccoli you know yeah exactly i understood exactly what you meant thank you very much i appreciate that mookie thompson welcome back hey man it's great to be here how you been how have i been i don't know i don't be checking in with myself like that.

You don't? You just fly by the seam of your pants? Yeah, man, I just be. You just be? You just is? Yep. Mickey, do you ever feel vulnerable? When?

Just in life. I don't know what that's like. Just a vulnerable moment? Oh, yeah, sometimes. But I bury those moments deep down inside. You don't? You one of the saddest people I've ever met in my life. You constantly fall in a park.

Only Kevin sees my true frayed moments at nine in the morning the next day. Yours is a world of turmoil. I don't feel shit, bro. It rolls right off. What's the worst decision you've ever made? Oh, my God. This is a fun game.

We're not playing it with you. I don't want to jump out a window today. It's sheer terror. Okay, so probably the worst decision I ever made was one time I got stopped by a bunch of cops because I was kicking cars on Xanax at like 7 in the morning. All right. So I was completely blacked out I was like at my friends parties like you want to Zanny bro and I was like hell

yeah dude so literally the very next memory just like cars on the street like I blacked out and then cops tried to stop me and I ran from them that was probably the worst decision of my life because they beat your ass they fuck me up they call me immediately I can barely I took like three sideways steps and was tackled by like six cops

but wait a minute ain't Xanny supposed to make you tired and sleepy you were out there kicking cars it ain't the Xannys that's you

it's that monster rehab no but Xanax and alcohol is like instant blackout sauce It's like you're done You could murder your wife And get away with it

You couldn't even get away With kicking a car You're illegally insane Hey they never charged me With nothing You could certainly You could mount a defense I walked away scot free

Yeah exactly Holdenators ho I'm the fire starter. The vicious fire starter. You fucking idiots. Everybody listening to this show, turn it off. There's good other shit out there. Informative shit out there.

There's good shit. So I'm just saying, I was on the Top 10 or whatever podcast. There's some good shit on there. So check out. There's a list that gives you all the most popular ones. I didn't even know about that. Just go find the list,

and you can get really good ones. Yep. Here's my PlayStation Network fucking shout-outs, because you never doubt that I'll never bring a vid. Jaeger Shoemaker. Yo, dog. Just wanted to say Jackie is bae Ed is the zen maestro

Which I don't really understand Marcus smells like Sweet sweet mother earth And Ben touched my shoulder At a live show in Austin So I am Honorary Sasquatch Hail Geen

Hail yourselves And ask Kevin What Alana smells like Y'all have helped me Through some shit Stay classy And don't fuck up You don't have to answer that

I wouldn't answer that. That's a creepy question. Hey, man, I'll be happy to answer it. Technically, we all know because she was on an episode of this. Two episodes. Yeah. Remember when she got really stoned and hit under a table? I will say that.

And just started yelling about Sarah Palin? That was weird. To her defense, we were in that little office back then, and she had to sit behind us all on a plank of wood. She didn't have to. We did get her really high. I tried to steer the boat on that one. Kevin K Cor says,

Holy shit, please tell Eddie to come to Nashville in November to see Go-Go Bordello, one of Mark's favorite bands. Oh, yeah, I've seen him three times. They're fantastic. And when you fuckers were talking about puking on shit last ep, I fucking Ralphed on my toothbrush because I was super stoned. Hail Satan.

So there you go. We made him throw up. Waterlog23 says, Hey, Holden Revised PSN shoutout To the round table I would like to formally Apologize for my first shoutout

I guess he upset all of us With his shoutout Oh okay In my attempt to be witty And accepted I was mean and aggressive So I'm sorry As all

You all know That'll happen That'll happen There you go BK for USA And if all If y'all ever come To Idaho

Nevermind I'll come to you guys. Andrew Alfredo says, I know Slow Talk Amores is a peaceful and loving creature, but Holden, if you could please ask him to come on the show and rudely insult Salmon Burger, I would be the happiest boy. Thanks, LPN. You guys are the best. Who's Salmon Burger?

Who's there? I hate when people interrupt. Is that the cops, bro? They interrupt our show. Hey. Hi. Hey. Oh, it's...

Guys. Yeah, slow talking Morris. How you doing? It's me. Yes, it is. Slow. What's going on? What do you got going on today, slow?

Talking. Hey, Morris, what's up? Morris. I'm just going to be clear. I don't like this. Does anyone actually like this? Salmon burger. Salmon burger.

Yeah, like a fit. You ordering something? Wait, this dude tossed mad slow, yo. What's up with that? A jerk. Well, bye. A Jerk Well Bye Thanks for the warnings

There Morris Jeff Shepard says Holden love all your bullshit and lumps Marcus you were the greatest Eddie keep smoking them nugs You put three G's in there, Eddie. That's because he's stoned as fuck.

Bird Luger, call. Jackie, shout out to your squirty bird. Ben, I that you try. Have no idea what that means. Call Christy from work a mean name, please. Christy, you're a fucking Shep Shepard. Dex says...

Dex says Dex D28E56X24 says Shout out Sup fuckers Thanks for the greatest entertainment Ed Thanks for keeping me On the brighter side

Marcus I love I have bones for you Ben You're too tall But love you anyways Jackie I hope I am as pretty as you

When I am a woman one day Kevin Get a wallet chain Holding Your type 2 as pretty as you when I'm a woman one day. Kevin, get a wallet chain. Holden, you type to... Oh, my God. He's smart. What an accurate comment.

One that goes below your backpack. Exactly. Holden, you type to fucking loud. Love you, bud. LPN for life. And that's from Dex. I get to keep going? I'm shocked you haven't cut me off yet.

That was six. I've been trying to look for news stories. There's none this week. I got a couple, but I guess we'll have to stretch it out. That's why I came back in and screamed, that'll happen, just once I heard it, because I wasn't really paying attention to what was going on. That'll happen. That'll happen. That's right.

That's right. Sometimes there's just no news, and we have to accept that. Yeah. Okay? Yeah. Like, sometimes just nothing happens that week. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

Sergeant Bleether22 says, PS4 shout out. Pleasing a shout out to my wife, Natasha, who turned me on to the last podcast and Roundtable. We love these podcasts, and I think there needs to be an episode of Holden and Ed talk for 30 minutes. Oh! Also, we are the Jumbo Shrimp here to play our game. And I feel like there's a lot of back and forth. Is it our game?

A game. It's a game. It's a game. It's a game. It's always been a game. It's always a game. Yeah. It's a game.

That way they can sing it even if they weren't playing baseball. Also, it's not our game. It's their fucking game. It's their game. A game. Baseball is the American pastime. Yeah. And so, you know what?

He said a lot of nice things, but, like, he can... Maybe he can fuck. Maybe he can fuck. Yeah. It's possible he could fuck. I'm fine with it. He might be able to have to have sex with something. Mm-hmm.

I'll say this much about the jumbo shrimp, right? This was during the time I was gone. Yes. I just saw that it became a sensation on Facebook. Two, three, four. We are the jumbo shrimp, here to play a game. See, I understand none of this. And I haven't gone back to listen to the episode

because I, Bird Luger, prefer to keep the world a mister. Birds love shrimp? I'm real glad you asked, Kevin, because I also was not familiar with the song. So I feel just a little bit more welcome now. Do birds love shrimp? Some birds. Molly, do birds love shrimp?

I'm the nature one. Nature specialist, Molly Apple. Yeah, Jackie is correct. Confirmed. Thank you. I feel like birds, no, birds eat worms and shit. You have to have a big bird. Seafaring birds, though.

A pelican, yeah. I'll tell you this much. This bird don't eat no shrimp. I don't eat nothing that got more than four legs or less than two. That's not me, man. Is there an animal out there with one leg? Does it exist? Is there with one leg does it exist is there a one leg no that thing got killed eight times they got eaten so many times it's ridiculous it's called unipedalism wait so no fish no fish never you don't eat fish i don't eat fish you're allergic right

well you know who knows not trying to find out yeah so zero legs is really your key problem yeah yeah you know you know shellfish usually got more than more than four six yeah so i don't fuck with that either would you date a woman that couldn't walk though yeah of course all right so it's not just legs that you have a problem with yeah well i'm not having okay you see i was gonna say I'm not eating this woman, but I ain't trying to get into pun territory. Hey. I wasn't going there, man.

I really got an eating one with Jackie earlier when she was going to be the boy. I thought it was like a lack of mobility that turned you off. Oh, no, no, no, man. No, no, I just got... No, because a fish can fucking zip and zap, man. Not on land. Not on land, no. Try chasing a fish on land. Just give you the willies

Yeah, I just I draw a land and I draw a line in the sand man I got this shit I stand and there's no way across that line not at all What about when Ed makes like 500 crawfish you're not gonna even try one. Oh, I don't eat yeah You know he's been there. You won't eat it. It's fine. I understand. Some people got to stand for something. Look, it's a black thing, guys. It's fine. Black people love crawfish. Yeah, we can talk about that.

I just attribute all of Kevin's idiosyncrasies to him being black. It's the only way to put it into context for me, I would say. Everything that Kevin does is just what all black people do. Guys, black people love Street Fighter. That's the one thing I know.

They do, though, man. Just ask Baller. I'd say nearly 95% of hip-hop albums in the last five years have some form of Street Fighter. That is true. That is obviously true. It is accurate what you said. So do you think black people like Street Fighter more than Mortal Kombat? Oh, yeah, man.

Charlie. Actually, I would definitely say that, yeah. Street Fighter is more like brawling, man. I feel like black people don't really fuck with karate like that. Correct me if I'm wrong. Well, Street Fighter does have some karate. Street Fighter is more accurate martial arts-wise. Yeah.

Oh, it is. Yeah. That's what it's all about. Killing. What do you think would happen if Chun-Li had a baby with E. Honda? Chun-Li had a baby with E. Honda? I mean, their arms and legs would just move like magic. How do you even get it out of there?

I don't know exactly what the physics of it all would be, but I can guarantee you it would be confusing. That's been your PlayStation Network fucking shout fucking out fucking... I'm the fire saunter. Great. The Dolphins lost again So Back to normal

Red Raiders Three and oh Three and oh Three and oh Oh man One and one For me You know

I feel good about the loss It was a good It was a good stern Ass kicking From the Jets And I feel like we deserved it That is so sad You were at that game

You were there right Yeah I went I got front row tickets and I smiled the whole time. Good. I was hammered and it was hot and I didn't,

for some reason it was weird. I didn't care that they were losing. I've gotten to such a place of acceptance that it almost doesn't bother me anymore. You are the Zen maestro.

I think I'm turning Zen. Oh my God. What's that? It's like, what's that Bush song? Everything's Zen. Ah, yes. Imagine if all football fans... Ah! Yes, the works

of Gavin! Marcus, could you do us a big, big huge favor? Could you read us a story from the tale of news? What about Kevin? You didn't even introduce him. Wow. Nothing. I mean, he talked to him. You didn't even introduce him. Wow. He's like nothing. I mean, he talks a lot.

I didn't even remember that. Yeah, it was a hit. They heard the difference because of my black voice. They know who it is. Just the treble, folks. Kevin's here. I got a story for you. What's it all about?

A woman accused of dressing up like a clown and fatally shooting the wife of her future husband 27 years ago has been arrested. Ooh. Florida 30s said Tuesday. Of course. Of course. The way you read it, though, for that whole,

like the last eight seconds, I thought this was about time travel. And she said it. Like, the last eight seconds, I thought this was about time travel. Accused of shooting the wife of a future husband 27 years ago. Time-traveling clown Bing Bong. She's also his mom. Sheila Keene Warren, 54, was taken into custody in Washington County, Virginia,

according to the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office. Investigators believe that Sheila Warren, then Sheila Keene, shot Marlene Warren in the face at her home in Wellington, Florida on May 26, 1990. They say that the person who shot Marlene was dressed as a clown and offered the victim a flower arrangement and balloons just before the shooting. That's something a husband or a clown would do. The wife is the one who killed the husband, right? The future wife. I like you, man.

So the husband was named Marlene? I'm very confused. It's a confusing story. You know what? I'll tell you. I'll tell you, man. Time travel is always confusing. The ins and outs.

I can't even deal with it. Is there two of you? Is there one of you? We used to play Wellington in football in my high school. They were horrible humans. They were bad people. What did they do on the field? They were dirty.

They were really bad. My little brother went to Wellington, man. He played football there, too. My little brother went to Wellington, man. Yeah? Yeah, he played football there, too. Was he an asshole? Yeah. Okay, so what this woman did is she killed the wife and then married the widower afterwards. Oh!

Okay, okay, okay. Sheila Keene was identified as a suspect early in the investigation, but police did not have enough evidence to make an arrest. The case was reopened three years ago, prompting investigators to re-interview witnesses and conduct additional DNA testing. And in a twist, investigators learned that Sheila Keen had married Marlene's widower, Michael, in 2002.

The couple had moved to Tennessee where they operated a restaurant. Let me get this straight. She went back in time and killed herself And then went on with the husband as her older self that's interesting What kind of restaurant was it doesn't say that'd be good to know I bet it's fish. You think so Tennessee fish now Sammy could be like it could be mountain fish could be some trout they. They got trouts all over that fucking place. Fish live in seas and streams, not in the mountains, bro. Have you ever been to Tennessee?

I don't know what you're talking about. Fish don't live in the mountains. They got trout. All right, yeah. Bears eat trout. If they had trout walking around in the mountains, Kevin would eat them. Come on.

Yeah, detectives haven't said whether Michael Warren was involved in his former wife's death. So it could be that this woman killed this man's wife in 1990. They didn't even get married until 2002. So it could be that they were apart for, what, like 12 years and then got together. And so it is the greatest love story of all time. They're going to make a movie about this shit. This is what being single was like before Tinder. You had to dress up like a clown and merc bitches.

She spent 12 years just like being that guy's good friend, waiting for him to fall in love with her. Yeah, to notice. I'm so sorry your wife died. What, is it just the disguise of it? To fall in love with her. Yeah, to notice. I'm so sorry your wife died. What? Is it just the disguise of it? Because your whole face is painted and you're wearing like a wig and stuff. It's literally just to be in a disguise? Yeah.

I think so. I think it was like a singing telegram thing where she's like, hi, I've got balloons for you. Hey, lady. I'm going to shoot you in the face. I love your husband. Blast you to outer space. I mean, honestly, it's kind of shoot you in the face. I love your husband. Blast you to outer space. I mean, honestly, it's kind of a great way to go. Open your door and a clown kills you.

Maybe. I'm trying to find more information on this. I appreciate this. I love this story. It's a great story. If you get a photo of her as the clown, I would love to see that. Okay, so according to police, Marley Warren, 40, was shot in her face at her Palm Beach County home's front door by someone in a clown outfit, complete with an orange wig, red bulb nose, and white facial makeup on the morning of May 26, 1990.

All right, here's the question, okay? You got to be shot in your face by a costumed person. What's the costume that's gonna make you happy and this does count as the segment what is the costume that makes you happiest to see the one you want to see before you die hot dog hot dog man yes that's fun I want a hot dog man to

fucking kill my ass wouldn't that be awesome and then he's like now that bitch is covered in some ketchup or like he has to have like a tagline I'm gonna go with me costume someone dressed like you yeah that bitch is covered in some ketchup. Or like, he has to have like a tagline. I'm going to go with me. Costume. Someone dressed like you? Yeah.

Hey fucker, you know? Captain Caveman for me. Okay. Wait, Captain Caveman? Yeah, you remember Captain Caveman? Kind of.

Yeah, Captain Cave! Yeah, dude! That was like Hanna-Barbera or something. Yeah, he always had shit up in his hair

and he'd blow out his club and fucking blow out a gun. I think it has to be a costume. Yeah. Yeah, Captain Caveman. He was pretty much Cousin It. Yeah. But with the club, and he'd just hit shit really hard and yell.

He's hilarious. To amend Holden's question, I feel like it should have to be a costume that you can get at, like, Party City. Okay, Bill Clinton. I went as Bill Clinton one Halloween when I was a little kid, Bill Clinton. I went as Bill Clinton one Halloween when I was a little kid. Confused everybody. I had a big

plastic Bill Clinton mask. Did you wear a suit? I wore a suit, yeah. With a tie and everything. And I went around trick-or-treating. I don't know why. Is that true? It was just weird to see a little boy with a big Bill Clinton face. Like, who does that? Who goes as Bill Clinton? I didn't care about Paul. Why would I

wear that? Why would I do that? Did you have a saxophone? Don't know, but Eddie hooked me up with an inflatable saxophone last night because if you want free shit, go to Ed's apartment right fucking now. I'm giving away my belongings, not in a suicide way. We're moving. Dude, you could just deflate

that saxophone and bring it with you. Yeah. It doesn't even take up any space dude it took so little space I ran out of there laughing I was just like what a fucking maroon what idiot

I was just like why are you both idiots because I was talking to him and his lady why are you idiots because I said no as I took the thing and little headphones

they gave me tiny headphones you can fit them in anything little tiny headphones and they just fit them in anything Little tiny headphones And they just gave them to me Go to their place right now They're being idiots making stupid choices

Go to their apartment I forgot, I had a couple things for Marcus I forgot So I don't know how I'm going to get them to you But I'll figure it out We'll figure it out Yeah, I got a book about a dirty cop One tough cop I've got one tough cop

I know, that's why I have one tough cop You don't got one tough cop. I know. That's why I have one tough cop. You don't have one tough cop. Oh, I... I have your copy. Oh! Yeah, and I also have your copy of True Grit. Oh, yeah, I need to get that back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'll make sure we find a way back to you. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. Anybody else want some stuff? Get it. I got a Vitamix. I got a green chair that doesn't really sit well. We got a couple of air conditionings.

Who wants AC units? A Vitamix costs like $750. Yeah, sell it. I ain't getting rid of it. I ain't taking the time to sell shit. You want it, come over and get it, Molly. And also, anyways, when he goes to the bathroom, you can steal his weed.

You can steal his phone. I leave it out. Yeah, he leaves everything out. He's such a stupid idiot. When he has people over, he just to the bathroom you can like steal his weed you can steal his phone I leave it out yeah he leaves everything out he's such a stupid idiot like when he has people over he just leaves the room those are his friends

I trust people yeah don't really you don't hide your things from your good friends in your house he's not just leaving things out you're a guest

if you bring over empty beers and put them in the fridge you'd be like oh I brought beers right I try and drink them and I get real mad it's so good it's like a house of maroons them in the fridge. You'd be like, oh, I brought beers, right? I try and drink them and I get real mad.

It's so good! It's like a house of maroons! Just go over there and run Where is it? Where is it? I scream that whenever He'll let you in in the first place. It's crazy. I let a lion into my house the other day. Really? Yeah, he lied to me. He told me

it was a tiger. Come on! We need more news stories. I let a lion into my house the other day. Really? Yeah, he lied to me. He told me he was a tiger. Oh. Come on. We need more news stories. Real low this week. Real low? Real low. Do we have one more?

We're vamping right now, man. We're making up time right now. We're crushing it. We've got one more, but it's pretty similar. It's typical to something that we've already done. You know, Swinger's Party gone awry. Oh, okay. That happens a lot. Swinger's Party gone awry has led to a woman facing three felonies.

Bay County Sheriff's Department said about 10.30 p.m. on Thursday, September 21st, responded to an assault complaint in the 100 block of Walter Court within Banger Township's Banger Downs housing community. That's nice. Yeah, Banger Downs. Jaganger Downs housing community. That's nice. Banger Downs. Jag, you're so dirty. I'm so crazy. So there was a gang

banging banger. A gang banging Banger Downs and Banger Township. Deputies arrived to see or the caller told dispatchers a woman was trying to run people

over with the motor vehicle. Deputies arrived to see a red or maroon dodge caravan in front of a residence and 28 year old amber k schumacher trying to enter the house with a screwdriver in her hand also outside was her 33 year old husband who was bleeding from a wound to his forehead a 26 the 26 year old female resident who called 9-1-1 told deputies she and her 31 year old fiance had the schumachers over for a swingers party.

And according to police, Amber Schumacher was downstairs with the female resident's fiancé, and her husband was upstairs with the female resident. When the pair upstairs came down, Amber Schumacher slapped her husband and went outside. The other three people followed her, only to see her get in a minivan and drive towards them. The minivan went over the curb onto the sidewalk and towards the porch where her husband and their host were standing so she was mad that her husband was banging someone else at the banging party in banger county i've been to situations like this before not recently but in the past when you when you're in that like swingers type of situation sometimes people will go off and you'll talk with each other but you both have to kind of say yes

you know like you both have to be cool with everything that's going on. And I think what happened is that the husband wasn't cool with, or with the fiance, didn't talk things over, went ahead and banged her, and then came downstairs, and the wife suddenly wasn't into it anymore. He was like, banged her, hardly even knew her, which totally didn't

even make sense or help at all. And she was just like, yeah, man, I'll fucking swing her parties, dude. Butt plugs and stuff. Wouldn't you be crazy? The horse tail butt plugs and stuff. Those are pretty fun. Yeah. So Marcus, when's the last time you went

to a swingers party? Oh, years ago. Years? Yeah. What's the scene like? I've never been to one. Is there like a bowl with keys in it or what's in it? I kind of expect that they're all exactly like this. Two people go off to fuck and then they get mad at each other and then stab each other with a screwdriver. I've talked about the ones that I've gone to before.

The ones here in New York, you have to do an application process. Oh, that makes sense. You send in a couple of pictures of yourself, your measurements, a small essay, and then they tell you whether you're allowed to come. An essay? What measurements? Like, just to make sure you're fit. No fatties?

No fatties. You got to send them ball weight. That's so upsetting. Fatties fuck great. That is true. So why do they not let fatties in? I don't know why everyone's yelling at me. I was just going to fuck.

Because you supported this, man. Yeah, exactly. If you're a part of it, then you're agreeing to their politics. I want to read the essays that people send. When I was 14, I always wanted to fuck a bunch of people at a party. And then when I turned 16, I got a dirty magazine, and I knew it was one day my dream to fuck a bunch of people at a party with my girlfriend. Kind of like that.

What did you write? How many pictures did you draw? It's like you've got to send a picture of you and a picture of you and your partner together because you can't come alone. It's you and your partner, however. No pun intended. Yeah, no pun intended. It's like the things you've got to do is how comfortable are you with same-sex fucking?

How comfortable are you with your partner fucking somebody else? How comfortable are you with them giving a blowjob to somebody else? Things like that. They're just trying to weed out aggressive, jealous, weird people. I guess if you're going to sit down and write an essay, then you're probably not going to flip out. Yeah, you're going to be thinking about it, you know? Absolutely. That was weird.

I find it interesting that you have to go with a partner because someone invited me to an orgy. So is that the difference? But it was a set-up orgy. Orgy is totally different. Orgy is a whole different scene. But she also had to apply. You've been to like four to five orgies in the past five days. How did those go?

I am tired. Turns out anywhere can be an orgy if everyone starts fucking. No applications necessary. That's the only difference between orgies and swinger parties?

Like, orgies you can go alone and they allow fatties? I guess. I'm not saying that every... I think all swinger parties. Not all swinger parties excludes fatties. It's just his evil, sort of biased one. Yeah.

Some of them require fatties. Yeah. Yeah, but I don't want to go to fatties only. Well, then who's biased now? Double standard. Wow. Equality. So all of you can fuck off with your whole bullshit on me, all right?

Mookie, have you ever been to an orgy sex party? You seem like you would have tried it once. No, no, I mean, I've seen, I've been in like a whorehouse once or twice. Yeah, I was born in one. Oh. And you remember it. No, just kidding. a like a whorehouse twice yeah I was born in one like I know these guys I used to run these like underground sex parties which is basically like a strip club but without a stage and you just go in there and get lab dances and then like fuck these girls it's pretty crazy but I never had enough money to partake

but I would go in there and he would tell the girls, like, yo, this kid's famous. And they would all just start being all over me. And then immediately they would find out I have no money and be furious. How much money for the intercourse? I think it was probably like $30 just to walk in the door. And then they're charging like $20 a song for lap dance. And you got to do like a couple lap dances to kind of warm them up and they'll be like,

you want to go back to the room? And I think it's like a hundred bucks for like a half an hour with them. Okay. That's not bad. So then you're like, you're like 200 bucks all in, but you got to spend all that other money

to get to the hundred dollar stage. Right. But then you can make a whole night of it. Yeah. It's like 400, so it's like 400 bucks. If you spend, yeah,

if you spend four or 500 bucks, like you have a wife now. Yeah. It's like going to Del Mar. When you're here, you're family. That's a bad way of looking at it. That's such a small amount of money. I almost feel like I just want those girls to believe in themselves, man. You've turned $200.

It's a low, very low amount of money. I like that you almost feel that way, but not quite. With the way that it's set up, they can do a ton of those in a night, though, so they'll probably do that

like fucking 10 times. Good Lord. 10 times? Yeah, that's... That just seems... That sounds awful. Yeah. Hey.

10 times? You guys are looking at me like I run the place, all right? Yeah, how do you fucking like it? They bought me out years ago. Pimp it ain't easy and whoremongering is not any easier. I've heard that phrase before. Yes, I have heard that before.

Molly, sex parties, been to them? You know, I went to a liberal arts college. It's like a sex party, they really fancied themselves kind of breaking out of norms. So, I've been in plenty of rooms where lots of people were like making out

and taking their clothes off, but none of, none like of these highly regulated orgies. I'm kind of inspired by the amount of regulations that were happening. Yeah,

I mean, there was like a whole fuck room that you could like, if you, it pretty much had to get there early for the fuck room because by the time we got there the fuck room was full like there was no way to get there was no in

is there like a line? there was not a line no it's like great adventure pretty much everyone was cool enough like alright sex room's full I'm not gonna try to nose my way in there I like to think that there's a fuck inspector that could show up and ruin the whole thing.

There is too many fatties in here. Shut it down. Shut it down. Fuck inspector. Fuck inspector. What is this, Bush? Everybody out. Leaves the grade. That's a fire hazard.

I grade this fuck party F for fuck oh man I want to be the fuck inspector wait there's only one fuck room at the swinger party well there's like one big room at the swinger party? Well, there's like one big fuck room, and then like you can either, sometimes like you can choose to go like somewhere else.

BJ Bounce House? BJ Bounce House? Like you can meet people at the swingers party and it's like, oh, okay. And now we go home together because it's like a room. But what we did is that there was a tent up on the roof because it was like this like warehouse in Bushwick. And so we like,

we went up on the roof and there were like all these tents set up on the roof that you could just kind of choose to go into. And yeah, we found a couple

that was also like amenable to what was going on. And then, you know, rooftop stuff. I approve. Thank you, fucking Spectre inspector it didn't end well like it ended like

super uncomfortably yeah three people died your girl pushed the other couple off the roof cause at first it was just like

you know both of us like he was fucking his girl I was fucking mine you're just like kind of fucking like you're having your own little orgy.

And then like after being the dude, we're like kind of winding down. They started going together and then they were together for like an hour. And me and the dude are just kind of sitting there like kind of jerking off, but not really. And then he started trying to make small talk because we were both bored. Well, as my fucking girlfriend had her,

you know, face just, yeah, raw rub up in there. And they're here in the small, that's kind of They're here in the small, they're here in the small talk.

What was he talking to you about? I love your podcast, dude. Oh, this was long before, this was, well, this was right at the beginning of Roundtable,

actually. Actually, I probably recorded Roundtable on a Friday and then went to that swingers party on a Saturday. Oh. Yeah, and then the relationship ended about party on a Saturday. Oh. Yeah.

And then the relationship ended about two weeks after that. Sunday. Yeah, Sunday. On a Sunday. I do remember this shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember you saying it was very uncomfortable. Yeah, man.

She's still with that other couple to this day. Just one guy just trying to jerk off. Yeah. Yep, don't know what happened to that couple. I just keep picturing, it's like the beginning of, what was it, how high when a dude lost his brother when he tried to dunk on that roof. I lost my brother, he got fucked off his roof. So when you go to the next sex party, he's standing next to you as a ghost.

I think he would be the fucking specter. Fucking specter. Yeah, because when you said Fucking specter Yeah because when you said fucking specter I thought you said fucking specter So I thought it was some sort of a ghost Kind of ghostly guy that was just going around Ed doesn't know that word The specter No idea what it means

What does it mean? It's a ghost Oh the specter is a ghost? Specter yeah Phantasm of sorts Really? Phantasm What? What does it mean? It's a ghost. Oh, the specter is a ghost? Specter, yeah. Phantasm of sorts. Really? Phantasm.

What? Actually, it's a phantasm. Probably a corporeal haunting. Is it specter? I'm blown away by this. I think it's just ghost spirit. So, you know, you can be an inspector, and then if you're an inspector who fucks a ghost, you're an inspector who's in specter.

Well, that's not grammatically correct because then you're talking about a Spectre named Spectre. I am in Spectre. Wow. Inspector the Spectre. Man. I just started thinking about how if Eddie went to an orgy,

you would just hear that echoing laughter throughout the entire thing. I would be like, get that guy out of here. Wherever he was. He'd definitely be able to find me in the kitchen. Making another sandwich?

Those are for everyone. They didn't have food. No food? No food. Bad orgy? Cash bar though. Cash bar? Yeah, cash bar.

I would want to see like an Indian food buffet or something like that. So they had hired a private bartender. Yeah, they hired a private. Yeah, well, it was just like a guy at a table selling Modellos. For $2? That's so weird. He's not fucking anybody. He's not fucking anybody.

I mean, as far as I know. He might have. He might have. Just bring beer and share it. Yeah. You're bringing a woman to share. Sorry, dude. I don't share drinks with people.

We also brought a sixer. But there's something weird about bringing a sixer fucking to a fuck party. Yeah. In a big fucking like black plastic bodega bag. Yeah. Box wine. You got to box wine that. Do you bring like a giant box of condoms? Drink some of this box and then I'll eat your box, righted wine. You got to box wine that. Wait, do you bring like a giant box of condoms?

Drink some of this box and then I'll eat your box, right? Yeah, that's... You'd be so good at it, Holden. Right? Hi, I'm Holden. I'm fun and I'm big. That's the beginning of your essay. Yeah, that's the title of my essay.

No, I think for the essay, I'd do like a painting thing, but I'd dip my balls in the paints, and I'd make a little called Monet's with my balls, and I'd send that in. Are you looking up ball paint Monet's right now? No, I'm looking to see if this stuff still exists. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, like your old submission? No, the sex party. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. It is still exists. Oh, okay, yeah. Oh, like your old submission? No, the sex party.

Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, it is still around. It's still around? Yeah, it's called Chemistry. It's the city's most laid-back sex party. Oh, right. Is it laid-back? It was actually super laid-back.

Yeah? That's cool. Yeah. I think the part of the sex parties that bug me are, like, when everybody's got to talk, like, this to each other. You know what I'm saying? Everyone's got to be all like vaguely sexual. I was going to bring this up actually.

If you want to see a good documentary kind of short piece on a sex party, it's Louis Theroux's Wild Weekends on YouTube. He has one of those episodes. It's about a sex party, and he like goes to one of those swinger parties and it's fucking fascinating. And I feel like at that one though, everyone's so lame. Everyone's really nerdy. First of all,

and everybody's like, Ooh, what's your name? Oh, rendezvous, you know, boulevard, you know what I'm saying?

Like everyone, like, why do we have to fucking talk like that? Let's just get our big boners out and our fun pussies, and let's just fucking squash them and squeeze them. But no, we have to talk all, ooh. That's why I hate those fucking vampire shows. At the laid-back party, they're just like,

I don't know, fuck me if you want, whatever. I'm just going to lean back with this big stupid boner right here, and we'll just see what happens. We'll just stare at the ceiling. Yeah, imagine if you're like, you know, really cool. You don't need to go to a fuck party. Yeah. Your whole life's a fuck party. Yeah. Yeah.

You just do it at the club. You do it at the, you know, wherever you land. Gas station bathroom happens. Oh, yeah. Just eating ass in a gas station bathroom. Yep. You gotta pay your way to Chattanooga somehow. I want there to be like an entrance poll at these parties where you have to say whose idea was it to come to the sex party

in the partnership. And I want to know whether it's mostly men or mostly women. Truly, I think that was one of the questions. Whoever's idea was has to get fucked first. Yeah, I like that. Or last. Or last. I think whoever's idea was has to get fucked first. Yeah. Or last. I think whoever's idea was has to get fucked after the first. They have to watch the partner get fucked first.

Let the tight one get screwed. You gotta make them feel welcome. I was looking at the fucking as more of a punishment for some reason. By the end of it, the whole thing did feel like a punishment. All this is doing is bringing up extremely painful memories. I'm sorry, Mark.

I'm sorry. It was interesting. I would really like to switch the subject to a pot-bellied pig if I could. Pot-bellied pig? You got a new story? A pot-bellied pig that has been on the loose for weeks in a Virginia neighborhood has been nabbed by police. Oh, thank God. So, like, when you were at the fuck party, man.

Your dickicks touched. A pot-bellied pig that had been on the loose for weeks in a Virginia neighborhood has been nabbed by police. That's a sad story. What are they going to do with the little piggy? Did they eat him? He was a pet. Yeah, he was a pet.

He's a pig. They put him in jail? No, if the pig's owner does not come forward to claim him, police plan to place him with an animal rescue organization. Do you hear about the firemen that found all the baby pigs and ate them? No. It was recently. A bunch of firemen, they found a bunch of baby pigs, and then they ate them.

Did they raise them to be full pigs, or they ate baby pigs? They ate baby pigs. That's not economical, man. When was this? Not too long ago. It might have been a fake story, but I wanted to believe it. Why did you want to believe that? It's horrible.

Were they in, like, a house fire? I'm just saying. Because that would smell delicious. You can't trust firemen. I'm just saying. They get a free pass because of 9-11, but they're still fuckers most of the time. But honestly, what do you expect them to do, man? You find a bunch of baby pigs.

What are you doing? One of them, at least. Exactly. And you're only one person. These are several firemen. And they're your children. Okay, well, I found the story. It's not as bad as all that.

In February, a group of baby pigs were rescued from a barn fire in Wiltshire, United Kingdom. But that rescue effort turned out to be a temporary reprieve. To thank the firefighters who saved the little pigs several months ago, this week, the farmer who owned the barn gave the rescue team sausages made from the grown animals. Oh, okay. That is sadistic. So they were animals that were going to get murdered and eaten anyway. Yeah.

These are pigs that were being raised to be food. Okay. And then when they were made into food, the firefighters got the sausages. That's nice. Is that nice? I'm still confused. It's like, why even go through the trouble? Because you saved the farmers a bunch of money.

Yeah, because if you would have just let the pigs burn in the fire, then no one gets the meat. But if you save the pigs and then wait until they're big enough to butcher, and then you butcher them no one gets the meat. But if you save the pigs and then wait until they're big enough to butcher and then you butcher them, everybody gets the meat. So this is a good thing. Yeah.

Technically. Oh, I gotta thank you for saving my piggies' lives. Now I'm gonna cut their fucking heads off. Just gotta hope it doesn't give the fire people like a taste for,

you know, eating the things they rescue. Yeah, yeah, that's scary. There's a bunch of cannibal firefighters out here. Cat in a tree. Let it burn. There were 18 piglets that were two weeks old.

The firefighters carried them all out of the barn. That's pretty sweet. You would think they'd want to keep one as a firehouse pet. Would a pig be a good firehouse pet? I guess a pig's a good pet anywhere. They're smart. Call them bacon. I would teach them all to move as

one unit, lay on them, take you anywhere. When people say pigs are smart, what do pigs do to demonstrate they are smart? Because I've never seen a pig do anything besides just wander around. Math, dude. never seen a pig do anything besides just wander around uh math dude how stupid are you yeah there's a story where the three of them built houses and shit wouldn't let someone in wait didn't want a pig like fuck the king of england or something like

that uh fuck the mayor i think a mayor fucked a pig right didn pig right Didn't David Cameron Was he the prime minister But he wasn't the prime minister At the time Must have been a pretty smart pig To seduce that prime minister I think it was A dead pig No

I might be wrong about that But I think that the pig Couldn't consent Either way Hold on a second This is all just part of that show Yeah it's a black mayor It happened in real life

But it's real life also It happened in real life The real life prime minister Of the UK Definitely fucked a pig I'm not sure if it was dead or alive happened in real life? The prime minister of the UK definitely fucked a pig. I'm not sure if it was dead or alive. It was like a hazing ritual or something. Theresa May fucked a pig?

Not Theresa May. Take it easy. Although I wish that she did. I mean, the sex parties in England have much looser restrictions. I just brought this up because I have a good idea for a sex party, okay? It's for a Halloween-themed sex party, bobbing for dicks. It's like a glory hole. But like a bunch

of different dicks and yeah, there'll be a bunch of guys kind of underneath. I don't know how many traps would work. Are you just laying with your dick in a pool of ice water?

Yeah. I thought you were gonna make like little... Oh, no, no. Actual human dicks. Yeah. And you go in, you go bob them up,

they'll be on the... Well, I don't know how... All right. It'd probably be hard to design the... They could strap you in one of those upside-down sleeping machines. You know, like the thing you sleep upside down like a bat. That or one of those ramp things that you're attached to that goes back and forth.

Yeah, of course. And they'll knock all your teeth out before you do it. Yeah, yeah. You can't have any teeth. You can blow job. Okay, I found what supposedly happened. It was in an unofficial biography called Call Me Dave. Okay.

This is a distinguished Oxford contemporary claims Cameron once took part in an outrageous initiation ceremony at a Piers Gaveston event involving a dead pig. His extraordinary suggestion is that the future PM inserted a private part of his anatomy into the animal's mouth. He only got like two of those.

Yeah. Unless he's got a prolapsed asshole. One ball. So he put his dick into a dead pig's mouth. I'd rather he like, I don't know,

cut it open and fucked its stomach. You know? This disturbs me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I You know? This disturbs me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I totally understand. This disturbs me more. I would much rather

he fucked an actual like sexual orifice like the vagina of a dead pig than him just putting it in its mouth. Really? The tongue and everything?

Their teeth? They got teeth? No, but it's just there's something weird about it. It's just kind of going like, boop. It ain't nothing weird about that. I'll tell you exactly how my mom told me. She said, it's a pig.

Use it how you want. And that's Alfred's Every Moment, hello. I think we got to do swinger party essays. As long as it got legs, Kevin, you can fuck it. I think we got to do it. So I will start, Deer swinger party. My fucking rod will challenge your party to a fight to the death. I'm ready to roll.

I love how many people will be there. I think we'll have a lot of fun. I have three rules. One, everything must be dry. Rags everywhere. We'll dry them off as we go. Number two. Number two.

We'll have a scepter that will be hidden And if you find the secret scepter You get to call the next sexual act And everyone has to do it at once Number three Ring around the Rosie Has to be played once Thank you you're welcome I can't wait to fucking be there

My big fucking fun balls and my fine penis And everything else that I've got for the party is going to be bugging 100%. Sincerely, Holden. In quotes, Little Billy McNeely. Little Billy? Yeah, just I want a nickname for the party. I want to be Little Billy at the party. Is that your nickname or your D's nickname?

That's actually, yeah. They call it Little, well, they call it Big Billy. I be Little Billy at the party. Is that your nickname or your D's nickname? That's actually, yeah. They call it Little, well, they call it Big Billy. I'm Little Billy. Kevin. All right. Well, shit. I hate this segment. It's not easy.

This segment sucks. Yeah. I say, hey, look, this Kevin, okay? One thing you need to know about me is the only thing I know about in this world is hoes. I got a whole bunch of them. And so I told my bitch, I said, bitch, we going to this sex party, right? And I'm going to be inside that shit. And when I get in there, all them bitches going to be my bitches.

So you just going to be bitches. No butt stuff. And you think that's gonna get you in? I believe so. All right, look, man, dear sex party, I fuck like a dude ordering at a busy bodega, okay? I know what I want, I come quick, and I don't fuck with onions.

To whom it may concern, my name is Ed I heard you got a sex party that sounds pretty rad double thumbs up I'd like to come on down with my lady she's six foot tall

that'd be a lot of fun at a sex party right hope your fans aren't sharp ha ha ha. It's a tough room, that sex party committee. Absolutely. If you want any cooking done, I would love to cook burgers and dogs for you guys up and I'd love to work the kitchen, make sure everybody's well fed

because you can't fuck all night on an empty stomach. So no grumblies and a tumblies. I'm Ed Larson. I'll see you on Tuesday. Dear sex party, please find my resume attached as well as a cover letter and a headshot. I love meeting new people. I love that this isn't the cover letter.

There's a separate cover letter. By the way. I have great interpersonal skills and I think that I am just the right friend for your sex party. If you have any follow-up questions, here is my number.

It's also included in my resume and my cover letter and my headshots. Best, Molly. Do you know Microsoft Excel as well? Proficient Excel. I'm just hoping, like, you sent them a notebook and your cover letter is actually just a picture of space to show that you got an open mind.

Jackie, win this. Dear sex party people, do you like slip and slides? Because that's what I got. But also, I'm bringing a slip and slide. Does that sound fucking awesome? I think so too. You say no fatties, but man, I'll slim down quick while I'm in here fucking shit out of whatever fucking dick you got. Amen.

Amen. Let's bring in Jackie. All right. Jackie gets it. Jackie got into the sex party. You broke the glass ceiling. Wow. That was beautiful, man. Thank you, guys.

Congratulations. Thank you. I'm really excited about it. That's the round table of gentlemen, everybody. You're going to hate it. I'm not going to do it. Stay away from the roof. That's where relationships end.

Well, thank you so much, Molly, for coming by. Listen to Page 7 with Molly, Jackie, and Marcus. Mookie, you got a podcast, right? Yeah, the New York City Blunt Club at NYC Blunt Club. We smoke mad fucking blunts. That's so cool. Yeah. Congratulations.

You guys sound like such cool dudes. Yeah. I mean, you know, we tried. Holdenators on Twitch. Holdenators on Twitch. I'm also going to be dressed as Blunty the Blunt at the NYC Blunt Club this week. So come by and visit me. I'll be handing out, you know, cigars.

With no marijuana in them. No, no. That's great news. It's amazing for me to find that out now old men are so on Twitch yeah Bird Luger

anything going on any sanctuaries people should go to and visit I don't know what the fuck's going on man I don't even know who the fuck I am anymore

well you look great hell yeah sick fade yeah yeah we're doing great hell yeah and I'm Ed Larson Marcus Parks

that's it baby right that's it rock and roll that's Chinatown