The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 346: Sour Milk

Episode Date: October 21, 2017

Myka Sherman joins the gang to talk favorite must-see-tv block shows, likely temperatures of nacho cheese, and more!

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Civility.

gentlemen. Always civility. Hold on. I think it's time for a guided meditation. I prayed last week. Oh my god. Close your eyes for a guided meditation. You are in LA

fresh off the airplane with your bags packed, a little bow in your hair. That's right. You're Jackie. Just freshly moved. And there's a man, and he's just like, you come with me. You come with me. I'll bring you a party. Bring me party.

Oh, oh. Let me chain smoke five cigarettes first. But yes, a party. Yeah, you come with me. You get a party. Okay, sure. Okay, wait. One more cigarette.

Oh, wait. I'm sorry. I had to go throw up on a homeless man. Okay, now I'm ready to go with you, sir. Alright, you get in, God. You watch out for slime. Slime, not bad slime. Good for you. Oh, I'm drinking it with a straw. Is that okay? Yeah, you can drink this

slime. You don't need to drink this slime. I take you to any place we go to. What do we have here? We have a hamburger place. Yeah, okay, sure. Oh, I love LA. The sun is shining. It's so great. I'm so Jackie, fresh and free, being me, me, me, with a capital fucking P.

And by P, I mean P-U, because this cab stinks. That's because you shit your fucking pants. Oh, no, I did. I am Jackie Zabrowski, and I just shat my pants inside of an Uber, fresh off the plate in LA. Jagi Zabrowski and I just shat my pants inside of an Uber fresh off the plane in LA. Show me the show me the oil

place with the dinosaurs. I'll fucking take you there. And he does not take her there. Oh god. He takes her to a cocaine party. Yay! And everybody's there. The guy who played MacGyver's there. Richard Dean Anderson.

The pink Power Rangers there. Which one? The old one or the new one? The old ass one. Yeah, yeah. She's fucking dead. The hors d'oeuvres are on her breasts and everything. And that's where you eat the food from.

You've got Richard Gere's father's cousins there. So that's pretty cool. And then just in the middle of the table is just a ton of cocaine right and you're like oh no i used to be oh i used to do adderall but now i don't know you know but you're immediately become addicted and you die oh my first day everybody open your eyes it's time for the round table of gentlemen baby baby. No, you die eventually. You don't get addicted in a minute. You get addicted over several weeks.

That's what they say happens. You put it in there and then you're addicted for life. I know what happens. I heard it. I read about it in the Berenstain Bears. Don't go to Skid Row, Jackie. Why? Because they'll teach you how to do heroin there.

But Little Shop of Fars. Is that? No. Please Jackie no. It's where the homeless do heroin with each other. Yeah but that's also the home of that beautiful song from Little Shop of Horns man. Oh they're having a great time out there. They're all singing

and harmonizing together. Why wouldn't I want to go there? Every time I go downtown I make sure I take a little stop over there. Talk to my homeless man Fred. I say what's up Fred? He's like downtown, I make sure I take a little stop over there. It's getting rough. Talk to my homeless man, Fred. I say, what's up, Fred? He's like, what's up, Kev?

I'm just over here smoking this crack, shooting up this heroin, man. You know me. All right. And then I go and get a street sausage. There you go. That's why they call it the Times Square of Los Angeles. Hell yeah. I'm going there, baby.

Well, we're without Ben Kissel today. He's on Larry King's show. Yeah, is Larry King on Larry King's show? Well, it's an internet show now. Okay, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting. So we got Micah Sherman in. What's that called? Larry King dead? Oh, get ready

you fuckers! So Micah, that means you... Oh, it's on like a bag! Bring it! Micah, that means you... Oh, it's on like a bag. Bring it! Micah, that means you're both the guest and the host of this show. Yeah, so let's keep it moving here. Guest, host?

I don't know. It's scary. You can steer this ship any way you want to. We could turn this into a dating game. We could turn it into an edutainment show. That's really great. I haven't been on the podcast for a year and a half, and I've been listening. Okay.

So, Marcus, if we could hold off on the news stories for about an hour and a half. I've got a lecture I've prepared, and I think it's going to be pretty enlightening for all of us. I'm really excited for it. The subject? Milk. And the benefits of a high dairy diet. I love this. Speaking of, oh, man.

What? What are you going to say? Is it about milk? He's losing his sentences. Well, I was thinking about Ben the other day, and I ordered a shit ton of Papa John's. Oh, yes. And I promptly shit my pants. Cool.

I shit in my pants. While you were eating it? I finished the Papa John's. You know how it goes. That wasn't the Papa John's. That's a problem you got with yourself. Oh, definitely. Definitely. I think the Papa John's. That's a problem you got with yourself. Oh, definitely. I think the Papa John's exacerbated my issue.

And the issue that I had was there wasn't enough dairy in the meal. Is that what it was? And that's why we need a high dairy contented diet. Just nothing but cheese. Mostly cheese and dairy. No dairy in the sauce, though. No. No. Unless you get an Alfredo.

That's a rough choice. Nothing more pantshit inducing than a good old Alfredo pizza. Anytime I get an Alfredo pizza, I put some broccoli on it, though, and then it makes me feel like I'm being healthy. Is there an Alfredo pizza? I mean, oh yeah, I eat Alfredo pizza. I go to this place it makes me feel like I'm being healthy. Is there an Alfredo pizza? I mean, oh, yeah, I eat Alfredo pizza.

I go to this place, I get tiny, I'm calling my tiny pizzas. Yeah, you ain't never been to CeCe's? I've been to CeCe's. Yeah, they got all types of Alfredo pizzas at CeCe's, man. They don't give a fuck. Yeah, but you definitely shit your pants at a CeCe's, though. You will definitely. You will shit your pants.

CeCe's the buffet style? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that dessert pizza. It's a $5.99 buffet, if I'm not mistaken. That's $5.99 American. That's right. Well, now that I've got your attention, they say on the lecture series you want to open with a bit of humor.

Yes. And then get into the hard facts. I should have prepared for this. Want three facts about milk, Micah. I want three facts about milk. All right. It's white. It's milky.

Yeah. And white people love it. Yeah, man. Can't get enough of it. I drink so much milk. I love milk. Milk, also the number one drink choice of serial killers. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Sour milk smell. Yeah, the sour milk smell. David Berkowitz, he was found with plenty of milk Oh, yeah. Sour milk smell. Yeah, the sour milk smell. David Berkowitz, he was found with plenty of milk in a bunch of empty milk cartons in his apartment. Willie Pickton, love driving around looking for sex workers. Drinking milk. He loved chocolate milk.

2% chocolate milk. Here's a fun poll. Real quick. I feel like you have to show hostage right now when was the last time you drank a pint glass of milk two days ago two days really no man that's been that's been years man almost decade probably i'll tell you something man last time i was at the black panthers meeting which also now doubles as meetings to talk about the movie as a fan club. We're discussing the dangers of milk. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. And there was another guy named Fred, right? Right. This other guy named Fred, he gets up there and he's like, brothers and sisters, let me tell you something. Okay, you see, the white man is pushing the dairy products to destroy the Negro community. You see what I'm saying? Okay?

They want us niggas to be out there bloated and having diarrhea. Do you want diarrhea? We said no. Whoa. And that's what it's always been, man. It's always anti-milk. It's a firm anti-milk

establishment. Yes. That's what's been happening in those meetings? Yes. This whole time. We talk about our lactose intolerance

and how the dairy industry is trying to destroy black families. Black Panthers meetings are the only places that I've heard of a black man named Fred. Fred Sanford. Frederick Douglass. There you go. Frederick Douglass.

Old Freddy D. I don't think he went by Fred then. Maybe he did to his friends if he's at a Black Panther meeting. Also, the only reason you probably only ever heard of Black Panthers meetings is to have Fred in them. Friends are always at Black Panthers meetings because all black people go to the Black Panthers meetings. Every single one of us. Man, that sounds like one scary meeting.

Jackie Zebrowski. Jackie Zebrowski. Yeah,owski Yeah you gotta introduce us all now Jackie what's been going on with you lately I'm feeling really good Man I drank for about 15 hours yesterday So man I am high and I am Tight

Yikes who was there Who were the stars that showed up Everybody was there except for fucking Holden and Marcus That's what I would like to know You missed it too Fuck yeah you're in the neighborhood You have no excuse Yes I do I was working until midnight

And then I had a doctor's appointment at 9am For my mental health Oh for the love Mental health? Nigga you gay You gotta take that shit Off the road He got me He got me I mean

Off the road I always admit When I get got And I got got On that one I get got I can't come back I don't even know If I should speak for the rest of the show.

He's fucking done. I've never seen a man get his shit so fucked up before in my whole life. Are you okay, Marcus? Because that was triggering for me. Oh, my God, dude. I got to put some fucking, oh, my goodness. You need ointment or something. Ointment. I need oment or something I need a salve

Tiger bomb, I'm sorry man. I just had to be honest Not mad I'm turning it in words. You know the use Hold on how's your... How are you? Holden, how are you? Yeah, how are you, Holden? Sorry.

I thought you guys were doing like puppet time. No, puppet time. What's been going on with you? When was the last time you drank a full glass of milk? I'm going to have to say it's maybe within the year, but it's been months. I'll tell you what, I like my milk and my cereal. So I always have it around. I like my milk and my coffee. Love to milk up a

coffee. But I want an OJ glass next to me, alright? I want a big honking glass of orange juice. With a meal? With a breakfast. Absolutely. Pulpier the better. Ugh. Pulpy. Of course you like pulp.

What? What? You don't like, oh, are you a no-pulp Nancy? No, I'm a no-OJ Nancy. Whoa. Yeah, man, I'm anti-OJ. Wow. I'm an apple juice person.

Ew. Go fuck yourself. No pulp and no fucking apple juice until you fucking what? That is true. Unless you get some of that unfiltered apple cider. Yuck. Now let's talk a little about that. I want fake ass juice. I want fake ass juice.

If I'm going to drink juice, I want it to be fake. I want nothing green to be in it. I don't want it to be real at all. I want fake ass juice. Apple juice is the realest juice though. You're probably low on that vitamin C though, Jack. You need to check yourself with scurvy. Damn! I don't know.

I've been getting plenty of C. Don't you fucking worry about me. Kevin is roasting around here. Roasting boy. The Black Panther meetings. That's the problem. He's filled with hate. I'm mortally afraid of being roasted by Kevin right now,

but I will launch into my... You know the song, Marcus is singing with me. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun a man's game like destiny jackie's a goddess ben my wife uh adores you and marcus bird luger my son is a dragon ball z fanatic and ed you know mr minchette says shout out to his mom who loved the show and recently passed away truth booth playstation shout out love the podcast so fucking much holden you suck however do your friends know you have a kid as a sugar daddy? That would be truth booth. He pays my bills on Twitch. Jackie, Ed, Marcus, Bird, Henry, Ben, Mookie are the fucking salt of the earth. How did Mookie get in here?

Mookie's a fan favorite. Maybe they misspelled Micah. I think he did. Can you guys talk shit about my asshole of an ex-boss, Landon? Landon, I think you're all right. Yeah, I got no problem with you. Jericho Wiz says, shout out, I mimic

every time you say it, and my co-workers hate. Why? Shout out to Ben and Marcus for their Dallas show from the headset guy who was too drunk to remember the photos. Shmupulations. That's from Where's the Bruiser. We do shmupulations now. You guys have Magoosalations.

We have schmopulations. Sounds like you stole that. Yes, we did. Well, ripped it off, I'd say. We kind of put our own little twist. I would say that's a ripoff. I would say it's a ripoff, not a feed. All right.

Well, no. Starkiller93 says, unbelievable, which is my tagline on Twitch. Shout out to Last Podcast Network for making my downtime amazing. I've listened so much that Marcus Park's voice is the voice voice of my conscience hold in your fucking hilarious thank you jackie is queen and we all live in her world ed is the brother i wish i had ben is the voice of reason kevin we are both the cool black guys of our social groups also have you seen the movie orion's belt i give it three stars oh quick question yeah kevin do you ever refer to yourself as the cool black guy no no not once movie Orion's Belt. I give it three stars. Quick question, Kevin. Do you ever refer to yourself as the cool

black guy? No, not once. That seems a little like projecting right there. I don't know. I don't think that's true. Excuse me, I've got to leave this Black Panther meeting. I've got to go be the cool black guy with all my white friends. Arnorwood93 says,

Shout out, Jackie. Keep that squirty bird squirting. Bird Luger, keep them birds flying high, homie. Holden, keep that slime flowing. Ed, do what you can do to help Ben out. And I'm just going to say, I felt real bad and wrong when I had to say homie just then. That's been your PlayStation Network. Oh, actually

I got another one here. Oh, Micah's really great too. Wait a second. He's one of my favorite guests even though he's never won round table or a beat. He's fooling everybody here. Jack, did you write that? Um, no, no.

No, man, but I saw it on his phone it's real Yeah they just didn't send it to you They sent it to him they sent it to me too which was weird Jackie the world wants to know how many Loads have you seen on a carpeted Floor in the past two weeks Nah just all over Comforters

Like a hotel room Yeah it's kinda great Ask and ye Shall receive motherfuckers Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a hotel room. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of great. I don't want to know. Ask and ye shall receive, motherfuckers. That's the best part. I gave you a real answer. Looks like the CC's in North Brunswick, New Jersey is not too busy right now. Let's go.

We have an agenda. Beep, beep. Sorry, guys. We're going to cut this episode short. We've got right now. Let's go. We have an agenda. Beep, beep. Sorry, guys. We're going to cut this episode short. We've got to get to CZ's Pizza. We've got to go rent a car. We've got to get to New Brunswick. New Jersey?

North Brunswick. That's fine. I'll go. Oh, never mind. Let's stick around here. Yeah, but the dessert pizzas. Oh, yeah. Kevin?

Hello. Oh, yeah. I'm Kevin, man. The cool black guy. A.K.A. The cool black guy. A.K.A. Bird Luger. A.K.A. the cool black guy. It sounds disgusting when you say it. I'm not comfortable with that. I will tell you, though, when I was in, like, sixth grade, I was at, like, all black schools.

Mostly, it was like a hood-ass school, but then half of it was, like, arts kids. And art kids typically would just get beat up by the kids that were in the hood. I was part of the arts kids. And then in seventh grade, I moved to a school where it was mostly white. And I'd be like the only black dude in a lot of my classes. All of a sudden, I was the cool black guy. And everybody would like, they would crowd around me. Me to tell them, like literally they would crowd around me outside before school started.

Me to tell them stories. I didn't have no stories. About what? I made shit up. Definitely. Yeah. How many of these stories had horses in them? There was a whole bunch of horses in the shit.

I talked about horses. I talked about stealing school buses, various science experiments. I was having a great time. Because you were the cool black guy. Of course you do all those things. Yeah, no. You have to keep that shit moving, man. I used to eat lunch with a cool third grader

and then his mom found out. It's three weeks ago. His name was, his last name was Davis and he told me that his brother was Jim Davis of Garfield fame. His brother was Jim Davis?

Fuck that guy. Hey. Fuck the kid or Jim Davis of Garfield fame. His brother was Jim Davis? Fuck that guy. Hey. Fuck the kid or Jim Davis? You can't fuck the kid. I'm going to say beat on the kid. Hurt the kid. Can't be doing all that. No, it's too tiring.

Jim Davis is fun though. He's fine. I just watched the pilot episode of Garfield and Friends on Hulu. It's great. I rewatched all of Garfield and Friends. I loved Garfield and Friends. Me too, man.

I loved it, and it's great. It kind of holds up sometimes. It's a little slow. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's slow. But I also just watched Garfield's Halloween special. Garfield's Halloween special. It's so fucking good.

It has the pace of a three panel cartoon. You know, I feel like if Heathcliff were given the luxury of a Halloween special, if Heathcliff was given his due, then it would be amazing. Well, he's too fucking lazy to have his own specials. Because Garfield has multiple specials. Garfield's not lazy. Garfield's not lazy? Yeah, well, also, he's fucking homeless, so he doesn't have any money,

and Garfield has a lot of money because he can buy as much fucking lasagna as he wants. Can you do the show behind the curtain for the rest of the show? Yeah, I want you to do the show behind the fucking curtain! You want me to be behind the curtain? It's the same cat. Very different. Heathcliff's not going to show up for rehearsal. Garfield's going to be in a bad mood, but he's going to show up for rehearsal.

He'll be there. Yeah. Yeah, because he wakes up every Monday. He hates Mondays. I'm outnumbered. Kissel is not here. Yeah. He is the flip-flopper that chose Heathcliff in the end.

Yeah. All right? So without him, I got no bones in this fight. Snoopy for life. That I can get behind. Heathcliff is Marmaduke with a cat, right? No, Heathcliff is the homeless cat that eats fish bones. Had a hard life. He I can get behind. Heathcliff is Marmaduke with a cat, right? No, Heathcliff is the homeless cat that eats fish bones.

He likes fish. That's the joke every time. And he also, I think, likes fucking female cats. Oh! Garfield was not about that. No, he's too eaten too much. And that's why we should all take the lesson. That's what happens. I never read, no, Heathcliff. I like it, man.

The name was too hard to say. Yeah, and it looked dumb. Garfield just looks cool. The name Garfield. What color is Heathcliff? Orange. Orange. They're both orange.

A bit orange. He's a bit of a ripoff. Oh, just like, what is it? Shmupulations? Shmupulations, please. Shmupulations. Yeah, that's like, it's just, because I remember Heathcliff as a black and white thing. Yeah, he had books and shit.

He just wasn't as successful because he sucked. Yeah. Oh. I don't have a dog in this fight. Or a cat. Well, I think you do have a cat and his name is Shitass Keithcliff. Ben's not, okay. Keithcliff.

There's so many news. Shitass Keithcliff. Yeah, there's a news story that... Okay. Keith Cliff. There's so many new things. Shit-Ass Keith Cliff. Yeah, there's a new story that we could do right now. Tragedy left and right. Forest fires. What about this Keith Cliff? Yeah, Keith Cliff. A Florida woman is facing a battery charge

after allegedly throwing a cup full of hot nacho cheese at a 7-Eleven worker with whom the accused had quarreled. Take a look at this woman's mugshot. Oh, shit. Oh, Lord. Those ears. That mullet. Take a shot at describing this woman, Jackie.

Those ears. Oh, man. She's got ears. She looks like a rat turned into a woman. Kind of a woman. With the same size ears as like a cartoonish mouse. She looks like the witches in mid-transition.

Yeah. In Roland Dahl's The Witches. Yes, exactly. Yes. So she looks like, yeah, a human woman in the middle of eating a potion

of some sort so that they can turn children into rats with their candy. Now, can I ask you guys about eating at the fucking 7-Eleven and why on the planet

anybody would, especially in New York, I have a 7-Eleven and why on the planet anybody would, especially in New York, I have a 7-Eleven near me and I never get it. Why anyone, there's literally the best Mexican food I've ever had in my life two doors down from the 7-Eleven and I walk in there and people are buying hot dogs, they're buying pizza slices, the shit looks

terrible. There's New York pizza across the street. It's cheap, it's easy, it's fast. I've been there, man. I's cheap. It's easy. It's fast. I've been there, man. I've fallen to the 7-Eleven sometimes. I got five words for you. I want to abuse a clerk. Yeah, that's why you do it.

Well, this woman's name is Anne-Marie Laflamme. Laflamme. Laflamme, yeah. Laflamme. They found store. No, actually, no. The name of the store clerk is Anne-Marie Laflamme. Laflamme, yeah. Laflamme. They found store... No, actually, no. The name of the store clerk is Anne-Marie Laflamme. They found her with yellow nacho cheese on her hands, her foot, and on the floor behind the register.

Defensive wounds. Was it scalding, though? Something tells me that nacho cheese at 7-Eleven is never that hot. I mean... It's more coagulated than anything. It's hotter. It's got film on top. Yeah, but I think it has the film on top, Kevin.

I feel like you would know. Yeah, no, it doesn't really get that crazy hot. I mean, even if it was, she probably didn't throw it knowing, like, I'm gonna burn this bitch's face and I'm gonna throw some nacho cheese on. I mean, I would love to fling some nacho cheese at somebody. That must be pretty satisfying. Customer Stephanie Hicks, 31, threw the nacho cheese and a sandwich at La Flamme after a dispute over the hot cheese dispenser.

What a waste. Laflamme told cops that she had asked Hicks not to open the dispenser, a request that left Hicks irate and resulted in the patron calling the worker, quote, several names. Oh, I bet the C word was one of those names. Because, I mean, if we're talking nacho cheese, she's going to say the word cheese. Mm-hmm. I feel like none of us really deserved it. I feel like

it just fucked all your ears. She did have some beautiful hair, though. She did have beautiful hair. It was a mullet for sure. Can you believe that woman is 31? No way. No way. No, I would have said 50s.

Yeah. Whoa, but she's got the scowl. There's no way she's 31. That's math. Is that what meth does to a person? Those eyes lie her age. Oh, my God. Well, when she sought to pay for her food, Laflamme refused her service, as is her right.

Hicks, cops allege, responded by striking Laflamme with the hot nacho cheese and the sandwich. And while waiting for police to respond to the 7-Eleven, Hicks told Laflamme, quote, the customer is always right. That's a little way to save money. Get on meth for like a year or two right okay get off know you're gonna go ahead and set an appointment for rehab like a year or two out right no you're gonna get clean okay go get cleaned up you'll probably be able to get the senior discount anywhere without ever getting carded actually you're right right the way it

ages your face you're fucking good to go. Cheap movie tickets, early bird specials, all of that shit. That'll start at age 12, and then you'll be able to buy boots. That's true. If you stop by 14, 15. Any 12-year-olds out there listening, this is a valid fucking thing to consider. Yeah, just start doing meth so you can buy beer. And if you don't like meth,

you can just buy some pliers at a Home Depot and rip all your teeth out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you get that leathery? You need, it's the leathery skin. Yeah. There's an applique. It's like a peel off.

Aging cream. Yeah, yeah. Like a peel off mask. An applique. Just leave the peel off mask on. Oh, that's how you do it. Yeah, you go to Goop. You buy a $700 applique, if you will. And I will. Oh, that's how you do it. Yeah, you go to Goop, you buy a $700 applique, if you will.

And I will. Oh, I know you will. There are plenty of natural ways to age your face, man. Use the world around you. Sleep in the sun. Okay? Sleep in the sun, yeah. Throw some chlorine on your cheeks. Ooh, yeah. Rip your teeth out, that's what we just added. I think that's a good one.

That's a good, smart one. I guess go see some horrible shit. Yeah. Just go to a bad, we're in the country. Just go to like the, like Chinese slums or something just to see some. That's your go-to for horrible shit?

I would say for horrible shit. Chinese slums? I heard 1895. They build in the trains? I don't know. I've never been outside of this fucking country. I've never even been

outside of the fucking west. How do I know where to fucking go to see some bad shit What do I know West Virginia Go to West Virginia West Virginia Move to a coal town Okay

Then you'll see some bad stuff Just babies in the mud And all that kind of shit And the coal Will age you That'll fuck you up too Oh you could You could sleep outside in Centralia, Pennsylvania

For a week That'll age you up real quick. What's happening there? What they got there? Underground coal fires for 50 years. Oh, cool. Hasn't stopped. It's pretty awesome. It's a pretty neat phenomenon. As far as environmental disasters go,

it's one of the coolest. Very cool. It's unfortunate, but we have that. We got that now. Well, the 7-Eleven worker didn't get hurt at all. But, the woman was still charged with misdemeanor

battery for willfully and intentionally throwing hot cheese and a sandwich with the intent to cause her harm. You know what's good? Hot sauce. You throw that on a person, they won't notice at first. They'll just be like, oh, you got this stuff all over me. And then like an hour later, that shit will be burning your fucking dick off.

Just like we covered Henry in hot sauce for a sketch in college. We literally emptied two entire bottles of Texas peanut on Henry for his sketch. It was two crows at the end that went to go eat him.

And we used real hot sauce. And then he was fine. He got up and he took a shower and his whole body was completely red. Fuck, fuck, motherfucker. Yeah, it was just on fire. We're all partying. We're all getting fucking drunk and stoned at the after party. Everyone's like, we had a great show.

We're like having a blast. And he's literally like shaking. I'm fucking covered in hot sauce I'm fucking You covered me in fucking hot sauce You knew that we were doing this We didn't realize it would burn the skin That was really dumb

We were obviously too much drunk That we didn't realize That that was gonna hurt And not go away And then I remember He tried to bathe in milk But it was too late So it just like

It didn't matter It was just Clearly His body stung Clearly y'all haven't been to not one Black Panthers meeting. That's the other thing we discussed. I think if we had, we'd be dead, right?

Next news story. Sure. Yeah. An unborn baby kicked so hard it tore a hole in her mother's womb, nearly killing them both. The woman, known only as Zang, was just 35 I heard about this. I heard about this. The woman, known only as Zhang, was just 35 weeks pregnant, but doctors at the Peking University Shenzhen Hospital

had to act quickly after she arrived at the hospital with stomach pains. The mother was experiencing extreme pain and had problems with her blood pressure. At first, specialists thought her womb had been ruptured, so performed an ultrasound, and what they found was surprising. It showed that the baby had kicked through the uterus wall into the mother's abdominal cavity. And the doctors said it kicked so hard, the thighs were stuck all the way through. Wow. And so the next star of Bloodsport was born.

Yes. I mean, that's insane. I love that they're Asian, too, with the whole karate thing. With the kicking thing. The karate, yeah. You do make a joke there. I was searching for it, but I just want to say I love it. You just got to say it.

Yeah, I just love it. Yeah, it's just you can. I'm trying to come up with a really smart, but just like, fuck yeah, dude. The world works itself out. That's all you got to know about that. Y'all don't have a uterus, though. Even just hearing this story makes my body convulse. I'm surprised she didn't die.

Yeah, I can't believe she did. They did an emergency C-section on little girls just fine. Oh, it was a girl? Girls aren't that strong. So now you don't believe the story? Yeah. I think that this is all fucking farce. I think this is one of those fucking communist lies that they keep telling us.

So, Jackie Zabrowski, you are saying that women are weak. In the legs, yeah. But what if this unborn girl identifies as a man? You're right. I don't know. I have to let her grow up and he or she will figure out what kind of, if there's this gender

or not. If I was this little girl's twin, I'd be so pissed at her. Probably getting out early. What are you doing? It's like a kid that's sitting in the exit row on an airplane who's like fiddling with the exit thing yeah yeah

i was sitting in an exit row this this time around how easy would it have been for me to fucking open that door there's no way yeah okay because i was like it scared me sitting next to that fucking thing because i saw i was like i think all i have to do is pull that little handle down and just literally and this whole door would just rip off of this thing in the mid flight. For me, it's waiting for the bathroom. That's when it really, the temptation really hits me. Yeah. I start really thinking about it.

And you start, like, you know, when you're about to like jump off a cliff and you think, like, you think you're going to do that and you get that weird tingly sensation all over your body. It's been a while since I did my cliff jumping, but yes, my cliff jumping face. But like when you're sitting at the edge of a cliff. I know what you're talking about because I'm a man. Yeah, that tingly feeling. Yeah, I always get that.

And I'm very happy when the bathroom opens up. Yes. Very odd. That's very scary because you know you're not the only person that's thinking it. Yeah. It just makes me think of like the John Lithgow Twilight Zone movie. Third Rock from the Sun. Twilight Zone movie I love Third Rock from the Sun

Thursday night God watch it with my dad It was Seinfeld Third Rock Boom you can't get a better What would they used to call that What would they used to call that Thursday's must see TV It was good though bring it back get a better fuck. What would they used to call that? I love that show. What did they used to call that?

Thursdays? Must See TV. God damn. It was good though. Bring it back. Yeah, and then it all rounds up with ER at the end of the night.

Yeah. Great hour of drama. And then the news, you know, the 10 o'clock news. Right, well, that's my buffer time to go pee and shower and

everything before that good old late night. I don't want to know what's going on in the world. I gotta go take an hour long piss. I save up all my liquids from the whole day. So I can take a full half an hour long piss before late night starts.

My buddy Mark Rotterman was in a sketch. We were in a sketch group back in the day in Chicago. And he drank like a gallon of water before the show went on. All so that he could pee his pants legitimately in the final sketch. Hell yeah. That's dedication. It's not hot sauce dedication. Yeah, yeah.

I don't think it's worth it. What did the audience think? They were put off by it. People are very put off by things like that, things that were like, this is hilarious. The audience does not enjoy it. It's not for that audience. It's for this audience. Right, right. Exactly.

To tell the tale later. Guys, remember the show The Practice? That was a good 10 o'clock hour. Dylan McDermott. What was the lady? Bitch. What? Jackie. Wow, Jackie. No, no, no. I'm being a B in apartment 23.

You're being a B in apartment 23 a lot. Sorry. Oh, yeah. Did we catch that on the recording? Can we fix what? We were talking about the B in apartment 23. Oh, beforehand, how that's the new thing. But they know.

Our audience knows about apartment 23. You guys are hip to the B in apartment 23? They all know about Apartment 23. Yeah, everybody knows that show. Chicago Hope. Also a good one. That was a good time for our... I watched all of them. I watched every

single one. You didn't watch any of that? No, none of that. What were you doing? Being the cool black guy. The Black Panther meetings, man. You lied! You were too young to go to the Black Panther meetings. The Black Panthers meetings, man. You lied. You were too young to go to the Black Panthers meetings. We all there from birth, man. That's the thing.

The Black Panthers meeting was always during the must-see TV block because they say the must-see TV block is when the white man tries to brainwash everybody who ain't white.

That's why we was at the meeting so we didn't see that shit. Seinfeld, Friends. I do remember Jane Curtin on Third Rock saying, you know what we should do? Straight up kill all the black people. And everyone went, yay! Yeah, they made that noise

like she just kissed John Luke Kelly. We're gonna be starting something. You guys remember Life Goes On? Yeah, everyone remembers that. That's what we're fighting against, right, Kevin? I didn't watch Life Goes On at all, because again, I was at the meet. But I was having a great time, man, learning a lot about how we need to destroy y'all. Do you talk about horses at the meetings?

Horses help. Everyone's into horses? What you gonna ride into battle? Definitely helps the bitter pill of a race war go down. Get on a horse. A quick horse anecdote. Next news story. I stabbed the fuck out of the snake because I hate snakes.

Whoa, good intro. That's something my dad said every Saturday. Honestly, man, when we lived in Florida And we lived in Miami, there was all these We'd have like garden snakes, and they'd be, you know, they weren't poisonous But I would see my dad Like every weekend just hacking up some snake With a machete, and I would get mad

Because, you know, I'm a kid, I like snakes Snakes are great They're like little snakes, he's just hacking these snakes up And I'm like, don't do this, please You know, I read about them and stuff They're not poisonous or anything He's like, you snakes up. And I'm like, don't do this, please. They're innocent. I read about them and stuff. They're not poisonous or anything. He's like, you don't understand. Look away.

The machete was dripping with blood. That was my mom's job at our place. She'd kill bull snakes. Also not poisonous, but hurts the fuck out if they bite you. Mongooses for me. Mongees? Your mom was into mongees? No, my dad.

Well, we had mongooses in Hawaii. What's the shape of a mongoose? No, my dad. Well, we had mongooses in Hawaii. What's the shape of a mongoose? It's like a ferret. Like a skink? No, that's a mammal. A skink is like a snake lizard. But you're talking a mammal here. Yeah, yeah.

You can't kill a mammal unless you're going to eat it. Did he eat the mongoose? What did it do? It's problematic. Look up mongoose? They're always fighting snakes and stuff. Yeah, that's all thing about mongoose They're using them against the snakes not killing mongoose. Oh shit Oh, yeah, are they mean Mongoose I know nothing about a what a mongoose is nothing about what a mongoose is.

Just click mongoose and let's watch the first video of a mongoose. You killed Ricky Ticky Tavvy? No doubt! Wait, what's Ricky Ticky Tavvy? He's a cute mongoose. I know not one thing about a mongoose. Oh my god. Speaking of shit that Jackie doesn't know,

No, why are you bringing it over? You can't do roll over shame. I can absolutely do roll over. Tell me, tell me, tell me. Today on page seven, we discovered that Jackie had never heard the song November Rain. What? What? I didn't know it. You get your fucking ass out this fucking room.

I didn't know it. You get your ass out the room. I didn't know it. And it wasn't like. I never heard any play from me. I don't know the song. What your ass out the room. I didn't know it. And it wasn't like... I never heard any play from you. I don't know the song. What do you want? Is it December Sunshine for you? What's wrong with you? I don't know.

And it wasn't like, you know, she's just like, oh, I don't know that song. And I sang it. She's like, oh, I still don't know it. And then I played it. She's like, oh, I know that song. No, I played like multiple sections of that song and she didn't know it. You can't listen to the whole thing. Yeah, I mean, it's a nine minute long song. That's like the best guitar solo in the history of

guitar solo. I don't know about that. I'll stand by that one. Name a better one. I will say in Jackie's defense off a name alone, I got no idea what this is. What? This is me. But I will say this has long been held.

Everybody knows that the story of Ricky Ticky Tavvy is what's going to bring all the races together. You're more upset about Rikki-Tikki-Tavvy than about November Rain. I'm glad you don't know it either. Not off the top of my head, no. Micah, you may physically hurt her if you'd like. No! You may beat on her. You can't! You You may beat on her. You can't.

You can't beat on me. Kevin's got an excuse. He was at all those Black Panther meetings. It was a lot of time. And they're not listening to Guns N' Roses at the Black Panther meeting. I will rock November Rain and slow dance at a Black Panther meeting. I do know this for a fact. Anytime we would play songs by white artists,

we would just make sure that no one knew the name of the song or who was singing it. It's better that way. Anonymity. Exactly. I feel that way every time I put on Daryl Hall and John Oates. See, now we're talking. Now we're talking.

Daryl Hall? Daryl Hall. And John Oates. Yeah. Yes. Didn't know that was their names until iTunes. Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's Holland Oats.

Holland Oats does sound, Holland Oats, first of all, sounds like that. Second of all, those kind of just sound like a Quaker Oats kind of thing. It sounds like a brand of, you know, like a cute, that's their cute name. Like if I called my band like Oscar Mayer Wiener or something like that, which would be amazing if I did that. It'd be so funny. I mean, it's pretty fucking cool. Everybody would love me. Every job would be like, you get a million dollars, I did that. It'd be so funny. I mean, it's pretty fucking cool. Everybody would love me.

Every joke would be like, you get a million dollars, you're gonna be in Hollywood. And I'd be like, yeah, thank you. I'll wear my best dress, Marcus, and I'll win all the awards. And you'll be like, oh no, my house been down. I am looking forward to seeing Holden in LA next week, by the way.

Among the beautiful people. Among his own kind. Do they still drive around that Oscar Mayer truck? I think that Oscar Mayer truck is still in service, yeah. Man, that was the dream as a kid, man. But they don't give out hot dogs. I always wanted them to give out hot dogs, and they don't. No, it's just a weenie whistle.

They just move them around. It is a grounded blimp, right? I don't know. Maybe something. I've never seen a hot dog in the air. Wow, they've really upgraded the Wienermobile. Look at that thing. Wow. Ew, that's not a fucking bun.

Wow, that's cool. You bastards. What? You just called them bastards? Yeah, I did, because Oscar Mayer fucking is an F-grade hot dog. Fuck that hot dog. You know I love hot dogs. What's the good one then?

All the other ones. Any other ones. You get a Boar's Head fucking hot dog. You get a Subret. You get Nathan's. I'll take anything over a fucking Oscar Mayer hot dog. Ballpark is the best name for a hot dog brand. It's a good one.

It crushes it. There's nothing that stands up to ballpark. Football stadium hot dog, please. Get out of here It ain't summer until you had your ballpark Overpriced basketball seats and hot dogs It just sounds like When I worked in an office

The weekly office meeting was like The thing I dreaded most The word meeting just sounds like no fun And you're making these Black Panther meetings Sound like they're eventful, they're entertaining It just sounds like you have to be there for hours and hours and days and days and days. But the thing is the passion and the outfits, man.

Oh, man, I bet the outfits are visualizing. We know what the outfits are for. Oh, yeah, sexy. Sleek. What's the starting salary for a Black Panther member? The starting salary for a Black Panther? How much do you get paid? Entry-level Panther.

How much do you get paid to protest? Belief, man. That's what the salary is. You get paid in belief. Yeah, it's all belief, man. And they do actually imagine houses real and stuff like that, so it's a very Rufio sort of hook kind of scenario

at the Black Panther meetings. It's like a role-playing thing. Yeah, exactly how we said in Hook, you know, the whole thing where they're eating all the food? That's because, you know, black people's community, we don't have nothing, man. That's why we imagine all this. I forgot that Hook is actually just a total metaphor for the black experience. Oh, yeah.

Forgot about that. Wait, do you guys eat and sing? Yeah, yeah, all the stuff you can imagine. Man, I bet it is fun. You don't sing Hook by Blues Traveler. No, we only sang Hit Em Up by Tupac. That's fun, though, while you wait for the guns in the air. You know, actually, I found out the Wienermobile is hiring hot doggers.

Hey, what's a hot doggers? Hot doggers, that's people that drive the bus around. I need that job. That's what I'll do in L.A. That's going to be the new me. I'm gonna be a hot dogger. Get a weed plant place. Make weed plants. As long as I can also sell hot dogs. Surfboard

shop. Surfboard shop. Work for Ron Jovi. You know I'm gonna be hitting those waves guys. Stussy outlet. What? The Stussy outlet store. see Stussy oh you can get a job at a Quicksilver factory Quicksilver I'm all about I'm gonna get a conch necklace man I'm gonna get the tweed one like Lockheed Martin make bullets. Tanks. That'd be so fun.

Oh my God, you should get a job at the CIA. That's what they call them, CIA outlet? Yeah, CIA outlet. Making bullets and like blowing up places. I'm going to have so many jobs. I'm going to be so great out there, man. I'll hire you at my milk promo company. Oh, I'll talk all about milk.

I'm going to hand out milk samples outside in Santa Monica. Don't make Kevin too furious now. Well, I won't hand it to the lactose intolerant black people. I'll give it to everybody else and say, oh, you white, have some milk. Boy, that's a whole other can of worms you got going there. It's propaganda. But it's going to be nice and sour. It's going to be weird sour milk.

So I guess it's going to get them sick anyway. So in turn, it will probably turn people off from milk on the whole. I got an idea for a blow pop flavor. Sour apple milk? Is that? That sound you made. It's like a boogery green. It's like a boogery green color?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Perfect. It's got several it's like a boogery green. It's like a boogery green color. Yeah. Perfect. It's got several different colors mixed in. There's like some purple and some blood red. Yeah. Dainty purple and boogery green. It's like all this conversation about milk is reminding me how hungover I am.

Yeah. I'm brutally, deeply hungover. I can't believe it. 15 hours of drinking is it? 15 hours, man. I can still do it. That's troubling. Well, I found an urban dictionary definition for sour apple smoothie.

Oh, I bet this is fun. Yeah. I just can't wait. It's when eating out a girl with syphilis, green liquid comes out of her vagina and goes into your mouth. That's not a thing. Yeah, that can't be a thing. If you have syphilis that bad, you can't be. That's not a thing. No one is doing that.

If you have syphilis that bad, you're dead, right? Or Al Capone. I actually am glad this has been brought up because I thought of a new word for a sex move. Are you ready for it? Do it. I think it's called the upside down king or the upside down king sucker. And it's when you're getting a blowjob from a pregnant woman while she's crowning. And you make her keep going.

Well, you don't make anybody do anything, Jackie. You're right, I'm sorry. But yeah, she would keep doing it out of just the fun lust of it. While she's crowning, you're right. There's nothing more lustful than a fucking huge baby comes shoving out of your fucking tiny hole. Some women have orgasms during... I know, because it's like pressing on it. And shit their pants.

It's the funnest, filthiest time in the planet I've heard. Could you look up upside down king sucker on Urban Dictionary? I don't know. Maybe just upside down king. I think we need to add the entry to Urban Dictionary. No, upside down king is just going to be tarot cards. Upside down king will be tarot.

Upside down king sucker, my sucker fish eating upside down. Reverse king sucker. I'm not sure exactly the exact phrase I want, but it's something like that. Upside down king sucker. My sucker fish eating upside down. Reverse king sucker. I'm not sure exactly the exact phrase I want, but it's something like that. Yeah. Upside down. The upside down Windsor. Okay. How about the crown frown?

Crown frown? Because it's upside down. Yeah, turn it upside down. The crown frown. The crown frown. Because it's upside down. Yeah, turn it upside down. The crown frown. The crown frown. It's upside down. How about the royal boil? And now it's time for a segment from Old McNeely.

Hey, what are we even doing here? I don't know. I have to make this up on the spot. Did we lose that last news story? I'm sorry. I've got to take over. Oh, no. It's just some guy.

He stabbed a snake. It's fine. Will you read the title again? Oh. This is not a headline, by the way. I stabbed the fuck out of the snake because I hate snakes. That's not a headline. Where is that from?

It's a quote. It's a quote from Timothy Wagner, who gave Florida police that statement following his arrest for animal cruelty last week. Uh-huh. Yeah, he just stabbed his girlfriend's snake to death. They used asterisks in the headline? No. It's from smoking gun so you

know they they they let it go they editorialize a bit milk needs new flavors all right please you know um so what are we gonna do and how are we gonna do it right so i'm gonna go with um I'm going to say in my little way every single day oh god do you need more time let's break down the smoking let's go with let me find it let me search in time

hide the book in my head and then I'll find it oh man you're not even taking this time to think in time I had the book in my head and then I found it. Jesus Christ. You're not even taking this time to think. 420! 420! Now he is. He's going on autopilot.

420! He's good, man. He is on fire. I'm gonna go with 666! Thanks, thanks, thanks. The Last Podcast Network! Twitch.com!

TED TV! Just name a flavor! Flavor is... Mouse milk. Flavor is mouse milk. You fuck. The flavor is mouse? Yeah, so we squeeze it straight from the tea to the mice. We gotta put them

to work somehow. I'm sick of us trying to use them in experiments. What are we gonna figure out? The pills work? That the pills don't work? So it's milk from mice, not milk that is flavored like mice. To taste like mice. We'll throw a little mouse flavoring in there as well. Just get the fucking point across, Marcus.

But either way, mouse milk, it's half off every day. On Mondays, it's three quarters off. You can't get a better deal than some mouse milk. If you're poor as shit, you need to fucking scream at a person. Drink a little mouse milk first. Paul McNally, 42069, twitch.tv. Hell yeah. This is such a great segment. mouse milk first. I'll make me only for 26, not twitch.tv. Hell yeah. That was,

this is such a great segment. I was going to say, how would you run a black Panther meeting? But I didn't want us to get any bad emails afterwards or anything. After we get through Jackie's, uh, part of the segment. So what?

I just feel like you could add G with that one. Kevin comment on the milk. You'd get edgy with that one. My flavor of milk is called emancipation. And each glass of milk is actually fully empty to show that we are free from the shackles of the dairy industry. Are we allowed to clap at this? No.

Only black hands can clap at this. That's why I asked. Pour it out and set yourself free. Hell yeah. So you're just selling glasses. Yeah. That makes this all about the hustle, baby.

All right, yeah, that's fine. I mean, that's actually not that different from water that comes in a carton. Pretty much. I mean, much better message. Micah? Mine is called Milk of Magnesium, and it's a metallic flavor. Remember when you were a kid and you'd ball up some aluminum foil and chew on it for a while or just put pennies in your mouth? You don't get that sensation as much anymore because you know about germs and fillings. Yeah.

So this is that throwback flavor for kids. And it's, again, it's a metallic, it's full of magnesium. It's not really milk.

No, it's just magnesium flakes. Yeah. I'm not exactly sure how magnesium comes or if it's poisonous. But I'm sure. sure how magnesium comes or if it's poisonous.

Oh, no, it's a supplement. Oh, good. That's great. Good. Yeah, so it's just... Very healthy for you, actually. Oh, good. Yeah.

Isn't milk of magnesia, isn't that what you're talking about here? Right. So milk of magnesia. So this has been on the market for, I mean, I think like centuries. This is a thirst quenching milk of magnesium. So this has been on the market for, I mean, I think like centuries. This is a thirst quenching milk of magnesium. Yeah. And it's a whole goat's milk. Fantastic.

I like it. I think, can I just throw this out there too? I got King Croc from Spider-Man on my box of my milk. Selling it and shit. With the mice. Yeah, the mouse milk. So why the King Croc? He's just the spokesman I've chosen for my milk selling it and shit with the mice yeah the mouse milk so why why the king croc he's just the spokesman i've chosen for my milk jackie i think it's gonna be a really good way for like

um for kids that uh don't finish their milk when they want them to finish their milk so we're gonna have phlegm milk you know when you're drinking too much milk you get all that phlegm so if you don't finish it then you're gonna have to use all the phlegm put it in the bottom of their cup of the milk so you sell all of that so it's like you just start saving so the milk's gonna be half phlegm half milk because i mean think of all that man the copious amounts of mucus how do you collect that though no i mean like practically how do you harvest it you get you fill bunch of them. You go to schools. After they've eaten their school lunches, you make them all spit all their phlegm into different cups.

You keep it in vats. I think we start the marketing in schools, and really that's where we get them. I think the Soviet Union tried this, actually. It'll be nice. It'll be globular and chewy at times, but I think that we're really gonna get somewhere if we slap storm from x-men on that fucking milk box we can do some shit yeah I should say there's four tits hanging off my goat yeah off my goat's

milk there's okay there's breasts well I mean I kind of feel like I have to go with Kevin Yeah I mean And you say you don't get anything I really just have no choice here No you don't At the end of the day And we've always said If you don't want to feel guilt You drop the milk Thanks everyone for listening to the Roundtable

Gentlemen thank you very much for joining us Mike Oh it's my pleasure And a big round of applause where you sit right now for Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett, Jackie Zabrowski, Marcus Parks,

and I've been your guest host, Micah Sherman. Hell yeah, you can follow me on 69, fucking 420, fucking call your mom, call her fucking that part between three pieces of shit.

And if you'd like to get in touch with me, just email Holden. Oh, bye.