The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 35: The Retarded Basketball League

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

It’s the hottest new league in sports: The RBL! Tune in to hear the endearing story of Ben’s foster brother making it the state championship and the poor boy’s romantic problems, plus Holden asks us just who the people are who made us the monsters we are today. Not surprisingly, most of the stories involve fights.

All right. Are we doing this now? I mean, I guess. Are we going to start the podcast? Just start fucking praying. Yeah, pray to God. Oh, my God. I wish I had a gun to my head.

She is waiting to fucking hear from you, Jackie. Columbine, there was no prayer. Dear Bielza Noob, change it up. Oh, good you did there. We bought way too many Tecates, so please, God, if you could help us burn through these Tecates. Fister and fister as the minutes go on. I had a milkshake, God.

I'm feeling kind of drunk off cream. Thank you very much. We're going to have a good podcast. God, and cheers, and may all your forces be strong. Amen.

Fielsa dudes. That's what we're talking about today. Welcome to the greatest podcast ever to exist on your iPod. This is the Roundtable of Gentlemen. With us as always, the old gaggle of geese. Who are these squeakers? Jackie's Razzie. What's up?

Ed Larson. Holden McNeely. Kevin Barnett eating chips. Kevin Barnett eating chips. I'm Ben Gizzo. We've got the Chuckle Hut. This is by far our most star-studded Chuckle Hut we've ever had. The total magnitude of comedy here could only be measured by that of Chernobyl.

I think Chernobyl is just slightly funnier. To your darker type of sensibilities. But nonetheless, this is amazing. We have the very fantastic Mike Lawrence. Hey, what's up? Mike and Michael. He's a very, very large pro wrestling fan and a beautiful young man. Oh, yeah.

He's getting a lot of pussy these days, and you can tell because he's happy. If you're just getting the same pussy, is that a lot of pussy? Yeah. I get one pussy. If you get one pussy. Yeah. It's a lot more than most of the guys in this cast. I get a lot of one pussy.

That's like I drive my car really fast. That was pussy math, by the way. Pussy math is what we specialize in. Always driving fast. The old Maserati of cock. Andy Haynes is here. Thank you for coming. Absolutely.

He's a little high, so he'll fit right in with me. I just don't like to weed him out before the show. So when Holden starts looking at his hand halfway through and telling quiet jokes to himself, we know he's stoned. And then, of course, the very fantastic

Damien Lemon. Thank you for being here, Damien. Yeah, what's good? I'll tell you what's good. Jackie's pussy. Oh! Squirt, squirt. Oh, yeah. Goes the push.

And also, now is that a lot of pussy? Oh, Jackie is a lot of pussy. It's a lot of it. She said it's a lot of pussy. She was drunk off of cream. That's true. Man, every day. That sounded like a discontinued porno.

I love it. I had sex with Jackie, which was me and Jackie, but it was still kind of a menage a trois. That's how many pussies she had. Miles a dick. Miles a dick. It's a big old pussy. It's about a three and a half pound pussy. That's right.

I have to like pull it apart for anyone to go inside of me. It's like men in Ed Hardy t-shirts just hold it up and take pictures of it. As a matter of fact, you can see Jackie's pussy in the tent section of Gander Mountain. It's about as big as a six-month-old bass. That's right. Remember Fruit by the Foot growing up? Three feet a foot, and she has pussy by the foot. I remember Fruit by the Foot growing up, three feet a foot, and she has Pussy by the Foot.

And with us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what do you got for us on this fine fucking day? All right. Well, the Gallup, the pollster company, they just did a study on the happiest person in America. They found out that this guy was tall tall Asian American, married with kids, over 65, Jewish, living in Hawaii, ran his own business, $120,000 yearly. That's what they estimated. That dude

actually exists. That's amazing. That is the happiest dude in the world. His name is Alvin Wong. The fucking Asians beat us at everything. Happiness. That's the one thing.

Go to Chinatown. It just looks like people feeding ducks in the rain. It's the saddest thing. How the hell did they beat us at that? They went Jewish. That's the saddest thing. None of us could ever be the happiest person in America. Never.

We just don't fit any of the racial uh makeup nor the religious views you know any chinese jewish people i know one fella who lives in hawaii apparently he's the happiest fucking person on earth but what they failed to mention uh is that he married a white woman yeah so that's the other part right he doesn't have some some Asian bag lady at home telling him to get real crickets when he goes to the pond.

I mean, I hate everything in the world, but that's the one thing I love is white women. That would make me the happiest. But conversely, they also figured out who

would be the unhappiest person in America. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So listen to this. This is fucking so sad. It's me. Why don't you be a black dude? Go ahead. Before we get to the facts, yeah. Damon, who do to this. This is fucking so sad. It's me. It's me. Why don't you be a black dude?

Go ahead. Before we get to the facts, yeah. Damon, who do you think is going to be the saddest person? What do you think the description's going to be like? I don't know. Black dude lives off the A train, 145th Street. Wearing an orange hoodie right now and a hat. He's got a job at Rite Aid.

They don't give him no hours. And that's about all. That's all you need to be unhappy in that life. Don't give them no hours. That's about all. That's all you need to be unhappy in that life. All right. So how does that measure up with the least happiest person? The least happy person in the United States is short, middle-aged, childless, Muslim, a woman, separated from her husband, earns less than $12,000 a year, lives in West Virginia, and is an unemployed manufacturing worker. Slightly unhappier than what damien said

i think you just described bruce brinkley's next album that is unreal what a collection and what what is this now this woman doesn't actually exist though right so these are just all like Theoretically this would be the most unhappy person That's the thing, they put it together Theoretically who would be the happiest person I feel like they found her too They're just not releasing that information I mean it doesn't seem to me

Like it would be that sad I mean maybe her husband was very abusive though So she's happy to be out of the relationship She's probably collecting unemployment. She has no kids to feed. Yeah, don't have to deal with the kids. That's crazy childish. There's no marital abuse in the Muslim culture.

It's just called being a Muslim. That's right. I will say, being a Muslim woman who is married seems far worse than being a Muslim woman who is single. At least she got to hopefully keep her clit and not be raped every evening. That would be, like, one nice thing that she could always go back to. That is a happy thought. I can still simulate. I gotta keep my clit. I'm so happy.

Oh, hunky-dory. Everything's fine. Scooby-Doo's on. I'm the only childless Muslim divorcee in West Virginia. But at least I still have my clitoris. No, they definitely should have added clitless to that list. That's what I'm saying. She must have it.

I mean, I feel like she would jump way up the happy scale if she just got the fuck out of West Virginia. That's really what dreams are. I feel like that's not even a real thing, because Muslim women aren't supposed to have emotions. That's a good point. She's just the most neutral woman.

That's true. You can't smile when your face is being hidden, right? You can't. You never see a Muslim cry. Nor do you see them smile. You just can't smile. I have a feeling this podcast is going to ruin one of my future Congress elections. Oh, yeah.

No, we all, all of our political aspirations died after the third episode. Yeah. It's been dead a long time ago. So what, did they come to any conclusion of this? Are we supposed to, so we should model ourselves after Mr. Wong, not after Mrs. Sharia Law. Is that pretty much the message? See, I don't know if we can actually model ourselves after it, because you've got to be over 65. This is also very funny.

And you have to live in Hawaii, own your own business. He lives a good life. What happened in those 65 years, you know? What was that, Andy? I said, I bet I could be Chinese and Jewish in 40 years. Absolutely. Keep looking on the sun. Keep looking at the sun, and you have a good chance.

It turns out the Wong way is the right way. I love what Mike Lawrence just said. I do think it's very, it's an interesting polarization here because the Jewish-Asian fellow is the happiest and then they made the Muslim person the least happiest, which is

seems to me like we have ourselves a little bias going on in this situation. It's a Zionist campaign. But here's the thing. They do not say Arab. They just say Muslim. So it could be any race. One of those weird rednecks that married a guy in jail

and converted. Yeah, exactly. Could be black Muslim. They always seem like very happy people. Yeah, black Muslim. Shit little bow ties. Oh, they're beautiful. They're a like very happy people. Yeah, black Muslims. Shit little bow ties. Oh, they're beautiful. They're a very fantastic bunch. I was walking on

Union Square and there was the two black dudes preaching and as I was walking by, all I heard was, one third of Israel is our enemy! I just kept on walking. It was just like, this is so scary that you're yelling that to me on the fucking street right now.

About how Israel is our enemy. Not to mention both of the people, the agent and manager, both Jewish. I cannot listen to those. I can't even begin to entertain such thoughts. You know? Leave it alone, I say. Leave it alone. One third of the Jewish country are friends. That's what I

told him. I said, and immediately after that I went to the Chase Bank and I was going to withdraw money. And there was one of those St. Mark's gutter kids there. You know the kids who wear the camouflage pants?

Yeah, splatterpunks. Splatterpunks, crusties, terrible people. Wait, what do they do? I've never heard of these. They sit and they play drums off beat. And so I'm at the Chase ATM. I'm pulling out my 60 bucks, which the fucking ATM ate, by the way. So I had to call it. Anyway, long story short, I look to my left.

Gutterpunk is over there. ATM card. He took out $200. They're fucking rich as hell, which was amazing. I finally confirmed all of my beliefs that they all come from Connecticut and they're a phone call away from getting the fuck out of there. Although I don't think any amount of money is going to remove that terrible spider tattoo from his face. That's the St. Mark's Fellowship.

That's what they do. They just go out there and spend. That's aspirational shit it's a bunch of like it's white kids out there they want you to buy them a slice of dollar pizza and shit i love turning them down i'm sorry i'm like sorry i can't i can't because he's got paper he's got paper he's just this is this is acting out his greatest fantasy of being broke to the motherfucker in New York City. Exactly. Nothing is real in this city. Now, this is real shit.

This is real shit. You gotta go to certain parts, but St. Mark's, that's an act. You can always go back to Connecticut. Yeah, it is this weird kind of punk Disney world going on down there. It's just not really going on. It's getting more and more hot topic every day. You ever see those kids on 14th and 5th with that dog?

You sit on the fucking sidewalk all day. You're like, man, go home. Go the fuck home. I just feel bad for the dog. Every time I see a homeless person or a gutter kid with a dog, I just feel so bad for the dog. You get more money with a dog, though. You know what you get the most money with? Children.

That's my favorite kind of homeless person. I think I put the dog over the kids. I'm sorry. The dog over the kids? Yeah, absolutely. I'm sorry. There's like a gypsy woman in the tunnel between the seven and the eight. Oh yeah, she's sad.

Breastfeeds and just lets her tit hang out. It's theater, man. I don't know. What do you think you could get off of a parrot? Like some kind of exotic bird with you. Can the parrot talk? Yeah.

I could just say help. I could get a dollar. I think that's a dollar of a fucking act. You know what bothers me is the novelty signs. When they're goofy signs. Oh, yeah.

I just want a beer, man. Or like shit like that. Come on! I appreciate those, man. You like those? I liked them for the first couple years, but then it was like, I feel like they're all kind of copying up each other at this point. I think that they really work, though, with the thing about those signs. Tourists

come in and they're like, oh, a real New York homeless person! And that's what I meant when I said the city is fake. It's like when you go to a sports bar, it's a $7 for a Bud Light. It's like people come to the city and homeless people, it's almost like going to see Spider-Man on Broadway. It's just another part of the show for these people

from Indiana. They really enjoy the fact that homeless people still exist in New York City. And sometimes they fall accidentally and you laugh. It's like Spider-Man on Broadway. Exactly. I really hate New York, man. I don't even understand why people say they love this fucking town.

Why would you love a town where everything's covered in dirt? Oh my God. It's transforming me slowly into like a black Jewish hipster, which I don't want. I'm so tolerant right now. There's so many fedoras around me and I've done nothing. I don't know.

I got a New York story. Some local news for everyone. This is some New York stuff. In Staten Island, 31 people have been indicted for running a drug ring for oxycodone addicts. They were selling oxycodone out of an ice cream truck. Not even ice cream trucks are real. Yeah. I just feel bad for the person who really wanted a fucking double dip, and he's like, oxycodone.

They sold 42,755 pills at 20 bucks a pop, brought in $1 million. Oh, damn! And the ice cream truck was called the Lickety Split Ice Cream Truck. Oh, that sounds like a great place for a smut club. Holy Christ, lick that poop out for a dollar. I just want to be treated like a feeder fish. It's amazing to me, 42,000 pills, that means they sold 42,000 pills to undercover workers.

Because I'm sure the people who were actually buying them legitimately weren't counting the number that they had. So they must have been doing this sting forever. Which means that these cops probably should have busted them after they got pill one. But they were like, oh, we'll give 42,000 more and then we're really going to have a solid case against the lickety split.

Yeah, well, Damien, you're a New York native for the most part. What do you think about Staten, like, what have been your experiences with Staten Island? It's a forgotten borough, so you do shit like that. You know, when Wu-Tang came and went, that was about their whole shit. I haven't been to Staten Island since I was nine years old until, like, what, last year? Some motherfuckers, they, you know, they off the grid.

You're supposed to do a lot of outlaw shit. I'm surprised there's not more outlaw rings and crazy shit. Not even just ice cream trucks. Just everything decoy type shit. Little school girls with machine guns and shit. Yeah, it should be like Libya over there. That would be great. It would be a war zone as soon as you step off the ferry.

I'm excited for the Tea Party to hear about this story and then immediately blame it on Obamacare. Like, oh, Obamacare. Well, you were talking about Obamacare, prescriptions, stuff like that. Out of 8 million New Yorkers, there are 1 million oxycodone prescriptions in this city. What? Yeah, I love it. There does not need to be that much Oxycontin on us. There does. What's the high on that?

I never heard of it. It makes you itchy. It makes you itchy and paranoid, and you can't really talk very loud, and you don't feel anything. That is your oatmeal crotch. I don't understand. It's awful. I've known three people who have died off Oxycontin.

I know some. Really? Yeah, yeah. That drug, I hate that fucking drug. It's the worst. I understand why. I will say, it saves every single Christmas vacation I have because my pop's got the bad arthritis, and I love to pop one Oxy every morning, and then you drink like three or

four brews, and you just sit there and watch movies all day. No! You're a horrible influence! That's what Oxy... That's how you use the drug. I'm not saying... That's not how you use the drug! That's what you can't smoke a joint! T and TBS are for, not OxyContin.

They're going to play that sound clip in his memorial show. Nothing ever happened to me. Don't feel bad for him. The thing is, how could they afford to sell the pills for $20 a pop off a lickety split? That's a ridiculous amount of money. That is a ridiculous amount. I don't know who they were selling to, but that's astronomical. It's a convenience fee. The car comes by your house,

you run out, you're all excited. You're going to go with whatever price they give you. But one pill isn't that strong. $20 a pop. Holy lord. You can get heroin for cheaper than that. They should have just gone to heroin. My high school vice principal got busted for selling Oxycontins.

I told you, I knew three people that died. They were all three people from my high school. They all died. It turns out the guy who was running the ring was the vice principal at my high school. I found out a year after I went to college. Only in South Florida. God damn it. He got busted at the Dunkin' Donuts across the street with 15,000 Oxycontins in his pocket.

And a small copy. Are you just describing the plot of the movie The Substitute right now? He had a famous history. Yeah, Mr. McKinney, man. He's in jail. Is he still there now? No, he's in prison, man. He got busted.

Yeah. You should listen to the podcast. Oh, yeah. I hope so. That'd be great. Make him famous. If we could get a prison population, that would be great. This has to be big in prisons, right? At least among

parolees, definitely. That's a fantastic thing for a vice principal to do. Was he a good vice principal? No, he was a prick. He was a prick, huh? He used to give everyone detention all the time. He was a prick. I had no idea when I heard it was him. I was like, what? He was a fucking asshole! That's classic overcompensation.

That's why pedophiles go into the priesthood so people think they're holier than thou. He was a drug dealer who went into the principal game. No one would ever suspect him. He had like two or three kids working for him. Principal game, I like that. Principal game, what the heck's the shit? I mean, people just love detention with him. They were always like, nah, detention's awesome, dude.

It's great. I mean, so your friends, did they die from snorting it? Can you smoke Oxycontin? Because the only thing I've ever done is taken a liquid pill. I had one friend who died from smoking it, too, whom I just don't know what they died from. You can also shoot it up. You can do anything you want with it, basically.

Did you have friends who shot it up, Jackie? What? You had friends who shot it up? Yeah. Really? Yeah, man. Did you watch? No, no, no, no.

This one girl, I had to cut her off. Like, my best friend in the entire world lost her to fucking stupid-ass Oxycontin. She's going to fucking do it into a grave. Is she still doing it? I imagine so. Last I heard was a few weeks ago, she sent me a text asking me for money and then called me crying, like saying, I don't need any money. I'm lost.

I'm lost. I'm lost. Then hung up the phone. Oh, very nice. That's incredible. No, that's not too serious at all. That's a hilarious phone call. I got the same call from Ben last week. Yeah.

And he was just like, go left. And then I turned left, and sure enough, there I was. I was like, cool, man. That totally helped. I'm happy I called Ed right now. That's perfect. Yeah, it's amazing how many people die from these prescription drugs. They seem so much more harmful than anything that is out there on the street.

You know what's funny is that, you know, like, Staten Island had the big OxyContin, you know, ice cream truck. But out of all those one million OxyContin prescriptions in New York City. I like you to say that, by the way. It's real material. Oxycodone. I'm going to start blowing you. Sounds like that's what they would call it in Galactica world or whatever. Is oxycodone different

than OxyContin? Oxycodone is the generic version of OxyContin. But 28% of those prescriptions are in statin island. A third. By far the most. But 28% of those prescriptions are in Staten Island. A third. A third.

By far the most. Have you ever been to Staten Island? My father was in Staten Island. And his family, it's not a fun place. It's not my favorite place. It's built on trash. It's built on trash. It's very disconnected from New York, I guess.

That's the perfect population. It's the trailer park of the city. You've seen Cropsey, right? Oh, yes. Cropsey's a fantastic janitor serial killer. He killed many children from Staten Island. He killed exclusively retards. Which, by the way, I want to... Is that really a serial killer, though?

Or is he like an angel attack? Isn't that what they call doing the Lord's work? Michael, I'm not going to like that comment. I don't like it. That was his exact justification for it. He was like, oh, retards, awful. Fucking get rid of them. They're terrible things.

To Cropsey's point, he worked in an insane asylum where they... They treated him awful. They treated him awful. He was a janitor. And he was also supposed... There was one person for every 100 kids. And these are like big waterhead babies. Like kids shitting themselves, throwing it at the window.

They're drinking their own urine for nutrients. They lived like they were fighting in Vietnam. That sounds like a band from Bushwick. Waterhead babies. They were a disgusting breed of kids. We're going to a nymph factory tomorrow. Exactly. And the thing about the kids were drooling. Like, if you would have seen one of these children

that he had to work with all day at like a old country buffet or a Perkins or a Ponderosa, you would have left. And you would have gone to a restaurant that wasn't full of drooling you know, what we call babies. People. This is human beings. So to his credit, he did kill babies

that nobody else liked. But I want to give a props to Michael Taylor, my brother, because he is retarded, and he just fucking... They're going to state! Basketball! Michael Taylor! You come get it! You know where I am! Yeah, so not all retards

are like... Well, let's just say that he... Well, yes. Say yes. Let's say that he is. He doesn't... He thinks I'm very funny. Well, how many retarded foster brothers do you have?

He's my man. He's the one. Ah. The number one. The other ones were all just molested, so they're kind of retarded for different reasons. But he is like the actual... He's good. So y'all get a check for that.

What's that? We get a check for that. What's that? You get a check for that. Michael, okay. Retards live the greatest fucking lives you could ever imagine. Michael has a PS3, an Xbox, a Wii, and an original Nintendo, all paid for by the state. All because of video games. That's why he's the

most filthy. And he doesn't know, but this is the thing, he doesn't know he's retarded. So in his brain, he's going to state. He's now a champion. Michael, and he calls me up, he says't know, but this is the thing, he doesn't know he's retarded. So in his brain, he's going to state, he's now a champion. Michael, and he calls me up, he says, Ben, you're stupid. That's it. He came to the phone. You're dumb. Why are you, you know, you're so, why aren't you, why aren't you successful?

I love it. Does he still have the girlfriend, too? No, you know what happened with the girlfriend? Mikey, rest in, oh, I love you, Michael. You didn't die. The girlfriend, who is 26 years old, by the way, he's 18. She returned in two. Extremely...

All these people are extremely retarded. They find love, though, man, much easier than... Hold on, so they broke up? They broke up because her father, this 26-year- old retarded girl's father who she still lives with didn't like michael and michael said what not to like i'm smart i'm funny i'm cute why doesn't he like how many times that happened to you holy christ i mean her father's never like me but in the in the real purple in the real person world the girl rebels and says daddy i'm sucking his dick no matter what but in the retarded world she's like rebels and says, Daddy, I'm sucking his dick no matter what. But in the retarded world, she's like,

Okay, Danny, I'm going to suck his dick. But now she's literally dating. She is dating a Down syndrome boy. Downgrade. Downgrade legitimately. I hear he's very nice. You sound like your brother coming from Mr. Wong's title. He's about to be the happiest man.

He's already an arrogant, retarded kid. Oh, this is the thing. That's almost like Asian Jew. That shit is crazy. This is funny. All retarded kids are arrogant. That is a fact. If you ever met a retarded kid, they're too...

I saw that girl with Down syndrome on Glee. She was super arrogant. She was calling herself famous. Yeah, that's what they do. She didn't even work for it. I watch Glee every week. I'm still not comfortable with her on screen. It's weird. How did she land the part? They were like, we need somebody with Down Syndrome.

I thought it was CGI for the first three weeks. Groupie eyes and shit. No, because they have a kid in a wheelchair and he's not actually in a wheelchair, but then they have an actual retarded person playing a retarded person. Oh, my God, that's funny.

You got to make a choice, though. Are we either all the way or not? Yeah, I'm an A for a non-retarded person to play a retarded person. Leonardo da Vinci, man. Or Leonardo DiCaprio, that fucking... Oh, John Leguizamo. That shit was horrible.

If you go in a retarded, you got to go all the way. Are you talking about The Pest? You can't be, nah, King of, what is this shit called? King of the something. It was a horrible movie, but he played it. He played Retarded and he didn't go. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I can't remember the name, but I know what you're talking about.

But as long as we're shouting out OG Mentally Disabled, do y'all remember Homegirl on Different Strokes? She was the first retarded person I ever seen. Was she? No, in the little, in the wheelchair, she was cool with Arnold. She was retarded. You remember her? Yeah, she first retarded person I ever seen. No, in the wheelchair. She was cool with Arnold. She was retarded. You remember her. Yeah, she was retarded.

She was fucked up. I related to her. Eddie, how many times do I have to jack off to this retarded girl? You related? I felt like being her. I had a weird connection. Oh, that's hilarious. Why does your voice just crack?

Oh, shit. All you retarded people are going to stop following you on Twitter. That was our whole fan base. Retarded and parolees. That was us. I was talking to you. I was at a party last night. We were talking about Glee.

And it was the greatest white liberal moment ever. This chick was talking about how she loved Glee because it's so diverse. And she was like, they got handicapped people on there. I love diverse. And she was like, they got handicapped people on there. Wow. I love this show for that. Yeah. They got handicapped people on there. They got fat people on there.

And then she said, they got black people on there. And I was like, that's your deaf person. She's like, a deaf person, a handicapped person, a gay person, and a black person. And it's like, that is not the same thing. And I was like, so now you have just equated black people with deaf people and wheelchair people and that's what makes the show great because it's diverse. That's why I hate white liberals so much

because they're so ironically racist and they have no concept of why. By the way, they were in an apartment that at one time pushed all those diverse people out. Exactly. I'm happy they don't live here. I mean, I'm happy I can afford to live here. We're watching them on television safely.

No, but here's why I love Glee. There was a season one episode. I'm not going to be too big of a fan here, but anyway, so there was an episode where they were in regionals and the two schools they were competing against was a school for the deaf and a school, it was

an all black girls reform school. And they found a way to make the rich white kids look like the underdogs. I hope the school for the deaf doesn't win. They have it so easy. How is the school for the deaf white and pregnant? She needs to win. And they want... What were you saying?

I just can't imagine the school for the deaf could even come closest. They just lip synced and signed. Oh, well then I could sing. They do have it easier. They have to lip sync and you just assume that they're sounding amazing. Oh, man. Speaking of champions with disability, did you guys hear about this guy

that won the national title for 125 wrestling? Yeah, the fucking ASU guy. He's got one leg. One fucking leg. But that means he's just jacked. He's just like completely jacked. Wrestling, you're on the ground anyway.

He tore everybody up. There was a pro wrestler, Zach Gowen, who in the early 2000s, Brock Lesnar once pushed him down a staircase and used his leg to beat him up. Did you guys ever see the UFC fight where it was the dude with no arms or no legs? What? No arms, no legs. They did it as like he was just like

I really want to fight and then the poor had to just punch him in the head as the guy ran around on his nubs and tried to swing at him. No arms. It's an amazing story. I saw a 60 on 60 with it. He got destroyed, though?

Well, he always loses. So it's like Rocky 1, but just on repeat. But the heart that this guy shows, he's like Mick Foley in a way. He's winning it. It's like Rocky if they just followed Spider Rico's career the entire time. I think his man is a... Stop it, Maura! You have to learn at some point, you know,

you got to be realistic about your dreams. Yeah, if you can't work in an ice cream shop, you can't be a professional fighter. I feel worse for the guy that has to fight him. Yeah. Is that guy having to punch someone? Dude, I would beat the shit out of that guy. I would beat the shit out of that guy

and say, go home and sit on your couch like you're supposed to. I'm with you, man. I'm with you. Beat the fuck out of that stuff. Practice. Get your knuckles strong. Punch his feet. I got knuckles.

My friend was in a... My knuckles. He should just be the heavy bag. That would just be what he'd do. He'd just be the heavy bag. Well, I cried when I watched the story on this man so my friend was in a comedy competition against a guy named short bus who came out in a wheelchair and would just like do like like they play like everybody dance now and he would just spin around it would kill

against that oh i feel like that's worse than going on in blackface It's just rude to your fucking people To fucking be in a wheelchair And just have them laugh and applaud While you fucking spin around There was a comic in the city Do you guys remember? He had no arms And he did March Madness, right?

No, no I take it that he kept the mic in the stand Yeah And he would just have his notes at it. He would hold the notes in his feet, and he could read them. And it was this amazing thing. It was just weird because I'd see him at open mics, and you'd see 15 guys doing self-deprecation bits.

Like, oh, I did two shifts at Trader Joe's this week. And then you just look at that guy, and he's way sadder than anything he has to say. That was actually Daniel Day-Lewis. I love it. So this one-legged wrestler, I assume he was amazing because in wrestling, the single leg is a very important shot and all those things. I think that would actually help if you had one less thing to grab onto.

Did you hear about that one dude who just got disqualified from the state tournament because he wouldn't wrestle a girl? Yeah. We talked about it on the show. Oh, there we go. That's why you know about it. Hey! It all sounds good. But nonetheless, it's good to be stumpy.

You can get a lot of things done. There was another dude, I think last year, one of the March Madness competitions. He had one leg and one arm, and he came out in biker shorts and a biker outfit. Cyborgs should not be able to compete with humans. Yeah, exactly. But the thing was, he was whack as fuck. All his jokes fucking bombed, and then nobody cheered for him at the end.

And I was so happy that he lost. His opening joke was about falling on a landmine. happy that he lost. His opening joke was about falling on a landmine. What's the deal with sacrificing for your country, huh? Get the fuck off the stage. Whoa, so this guy was a vet? Literally bones.

What? Now he's a way to make wearing orange spiteful. Now he's a way to make wearing orange spiteful. Now he's a homeless fella doing what he should be doing. If you come back with one arm and one leg for more, immediately go homeless. Man, I've been watching. I just finished the Pacific last night. And so, like, I'm just so fucked up with emotions because I'm just, like, watching.

I'm like, die, you Japanese fucks. And then I remember what just happened. I'm like, die, you Japanese fucks. And then I remember what just happened. I'm like, don't torn apart when I watch it. Did you see that thing on Facebook? There was all of these posts on Facebook. They collected all of them after the tsunami in Japan. And they were all just like, yeah, that's what you get for Pearl Harbor. There was like 25,000.

Who gives a fuck about Pearl Harbor? We already got him back for pearl harbor we nuked him we got him back that's over we got him back maybe the water washed the radiation away yeah i was like positively we killed 30 percent of japan the day that we nuked them yeah we won yeah really yeah we won didn't just put those two bombs off we bombed every single town over a hundred thousand people yeah uh fire bombed every single town over 100,000 people. Yeah, yeah. Fire bombed them. To our credit, they were not going to stop the war.

Yeah, I mean... You had to do it. That's how terrible it is. But they gave us Nintendo. Get off their back. I know. You just know that when the earthquakes happened, there was like a 93-year-old WW2 veteran in his bed who saw that,

and that was the last thing he saw before he died with a smile on his face. Oh, that's the way you want to go out. 92, you go out when the Lord tells you. Japan, man, they always go big. It's always like something huge, man. The thing that's weird about this is you kind of are, with all the radiation stuff, waiting for, like, a Godzilla thing to happen. Of course.

It's got to happen. I mean, there's no way that it's not gonna happen. It's like the end of the world is either gonna be like Revelations or like a comic book. It's gonna be one. I really hope for comic books. Fucking radioactive ninjas and shit. It's fucking us.

The important thing is this happened after Marvel vs. Capcom 3 came out. That game kicked so much ass. It will affect the ninjas' high-level abilities. Can we talk about this versus Gilbert Gottfrey getting fired from Affleck? Yeah. I'm just going to bring that up. Henry already got an audition to be the new duck. Well, there we go.

It just completely changed my opinion of the whole situation. I'm happy the door is open for a friend. Oh, my God. There was one. 30,000 people dead, one career begins. 30,000 people dead, one career begins. The one that did actually make me laugh my ass off was, the Japanese are so advanced.

They don't go to the beach, the beach comes to them. That's hilarious. That is hilarious. And the problem with Twitter... Same with the RAS. The beach comes to them! Beach comes to them! Holy Christ, don't feed him after midnight. Who the problem with Twitter... The peach comes to them! The peach comes to them! Holy Christ, don't feed him after midnight. Who the fuck let Spike in?

And the thing about Gilbert, though, it's like, if those tweets would have been in his voice, it would have killed. It just doesn't translate to tweets. Yeah, yeah. You gotta hear it the way he says it. I'm sure in his brain, he's like, ah, this is great. Doing nothing wrong here. And he's not. I'm sure it's his brain. He's like, ah, this is great. Doing nothing wrong here.

And he's not. I just love that an insurance company is calling someone out for being insensitive after a disaster. Exactly. Meanwhile, the insurance company is like, justice replanned! I'm happy we planned that bomb five years ago. Perfect. Let's watch

five minutes of a Gilbert Gottfried routine and let's just watch white insurance guys in New Orleans two days after Katrina, and tell me what offends you more. Yeah, exactly. You know what I love about Gilbert the most is the fact that after he got fired, he didn't try to get his job back. He just kept throwing out more jokes. He just kept calling out of it.

Here's another one. I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, there'll be another one floating by any minute now. I mean, that shit's good comedy. I feel like the second he got fired from Affleck, he got picked back up for USA's Up All Night.

He was so good in that. Yeah. Or Geico. One of the two. Good lord. I mean, if you can't laugh at a tsunami, what can you laugh at? Everything else in the world. I started comedy the night of the 2004 tsunami. Really?

Yeah, that's when I started comedy. I told my first joke 2001 9-11. September 11, 2001. Really? Is that just a bizarre coincidence? Are you lying? I'm lying. That's ridiculous. However, I did start doing comedy a month later. You never forget the day you start comedy. That's true.

See, I heard that Affleck, 75% of their business is from Japan. So it's really damage control. And their CEO disguised as sensitivity. Is that true? Yeah. Now I get why a duck is their sponsor. It should be an inside-out duck hanging from a window, right?

I'll eat it at Christmas. Oh, sorry. Well, thank you, Andy. I love you corrected my racism. Let me help you shine that racism on this debate. If you want to hear it, we hate the Chinese. I will say, watching that footage of the tsunami want to hear, we hate the Chinese. I will say, watching that footage of the tsunami coming to shore, I was up

at 2 o'clock in the morning, just high as fuck. It was the closest thing I've ever seen to the blob or any series of horoscopes. It's insane looking, man. It was going 500 miles an hour. There was three different... It was the same as a plane. John Carpenter's synthesizer was actually

scoring it. Exactly. John Carpenter's synthesizer was actually scoring it. Exactly. John Carpenter orchestrated the whole thing. There was three different silos on fire, huge buildings floating along. I've never seen anything so powerful. And if that's coming at you, talk about just like a humbling, like, I'm out. I officially lost this one. I just put a surfboard on the ground. We're not all as talented as you all those town put on a richard

nixon mask and you just go and you ride the waves with the kiara reeves isn't it it's just like it looks like the water's just rising really quickly it's not like a cresting wave right well there's no it comes at him like hardest from what i saw right like yeah i mean it just it would just it just went through everything it was the most shocking thing i've ever seen in my life and people you could see some people trying to run. It was similar to 9-11 where you see the people on the 100th floor making the decision to fire or fall.

That's a tough one. So I guess they were just like drowned. I imagine there was one idiot who was standing there with some floaties on his arms like, I'm going to be alright. They're like, wait, duck. There was a little five-year-old guy that just was like 10 miles offshore for two days. Did you hear about that?

Yeah. How'd he do? He's alive. He's fine. He got hit and then he floated out to sea. Yeah. He was 10 miles off sea and they found him. Just a 65-year-old dude. He is the luckiest. Is that long? Is he the happiest man in America?

He's winning. He's Charlie Keen. He ended up in Hawaii. That's the thing is that this is what it took for us to not talk about Charlie Sheen. How many people had to die for us to not look at that guy anymore? That man is a tsunami of comedy. Literally, no, but it's worked out that way. Like, Gaddafi murders a bunch of people.

Then Lindsay Lohan did what? Then Tsunami and Charlie Sheen. The past few months, look at it. It's been goofy celebrity thing that doesn't affect anyone and then tons of people die. I wonder what is bigger. I wish we could do a poll of the country

to see who, Charlie Sheen or the Tsunami in Japan. I bet you more people know about Charlie Sheen than Charlie Sheen. They just did a poll among independents Charlie Sheen or the tsunami in Japan. I bet you more people know about Charlie Sheen than the tsunami. They just did a poll among independents for the presidential race coming up. And they pitted Charlie Sheen versus Sarah Palin. Charlie Sheen won. Well, of course.

I vote for Sarah Palin. That's a thing. I would vote for Rick Santorum over. He makes sense. I actually know what you're over it. He makes sense. I actually know what you're talking about. He's positive. They said he's going to make $7 million a month off his live show.

Really? I believe that's true. He's going to kill it. And he's doing Radio City Musical. What exactly is the show? Charlie Sheen running himself into the ground. It's called the Torpedo of Truth Tour. That's all I know. I'm serious.

Is it really? It is. Oh, I love it. I'm serious. Is it really? It is. Oh, I love it. I'm going. So, he's got 15 bucks here. It's just GWAR without the costumes. It felt like

the This Is It tour. I've never seen this shit two years ago. I will say, the most amazing thing about Charlie Sheenan is he's very positive. The winning thing,

the whole, like, he's perfect. Sarah Palin's a very negative young broad, even with those bosoms. He would think she would love the world and what it's given her. But no, Charlie Sheenan's where it's at. You have to take care of retarded children that are your own. I think it's a lot. And I will say Trigg, not like Michael Taylor,

is a fucking, no wait, Michael Taylor not like Trigg, is a champion in the retarded basketball league. The RBL, my brother. Witty. Bye. Didn't they let Trigg hunt? I mean, he's a baby. Absolutely.

Well, if Sarah Palin becomes president, I think we'll be hunting Trigg soon. At least let him watch animals die. Just hold up his body next to a dying deer. Mm-hmm. At least you're not that dead animals die. Just hold up his body next to a dying deer. At least you're not that dead deer, Trig. Oh, I'm doing

great. Well, running back over to international news, Wyclef Jean, he got shot in the hand in Haiti. He's got to stop running for president in Haiti. Yeah, they wouldn't let him. Kevin, how the fuck does somebody get shot in the hand in Haiti?

Well, I mean, that just sounds like something that should be happening every day. It also sounds like the weakest bullet ever. Or like Wyclef is a superhero and he stopped a bullet from going into his forehead with his hand. And it just like stayed there. And he's like, I'm happy I put that metal plate in my fucking palm. Can I get my second shitty hack joke in for the day? Sure. Officials say he'll be hospitalized until November.

I love every one of your fucking shitty hack jokes. So you should just always do that. All right. So is he with Drew? Because the thing about it, he was running for president of Haiti, right? Is he going to withdraw from the campaign? No, he was barred from running for president of Haiti. They wouldn't let him do it because he's not a Haitian.

So why is he living in Haiti? Because he's stupid. He's a fucking idiot. Or he cares about his country. We'll go with stupid. We're going to go with stupid because his country is Haiti. It's awful. If he was going to run his campaign, it should have been help me completely destroy your already

ruined country. Haiti's so fucked up? Like, one of the biggest reasons why Haiti's fucked up is because when the French came back with Napoleon to beat the slave revolt, they said, we'll leave, but you have to pay us back for everything. And Haiti did it. Haiti paid back France until, like, the 1980s. They should have kept that fucking money like the 1980s They should have kept

That fucking money Yeah Serious? That's for damn sure They should have put the money Back into the country Except that That's what it was

It fucked them up God they're so dumb Yeah they're not a smart country You gotta not pay it back If you got the money Hold on to the country They're just a French They're just

They're cowards What are the Frenchmen Gonna do? I mean that's the whole thing It's already Haiti It already smells bad They're not gonna. What are the Frenchmen going to do? I mean, that's the whole thing. It's already Haiti. It already smells bad. They're not going to do that. You never know.

I can't just stay here and have y'all shit on Haiti like that. I don't want my people to listen to this podcast. You did nothing? You did nothing? What the fuck was you doing? Haiti was last year's Japan. Oh, man. Shout out to Haiti.

That's what you do when you can do nothing else. You just give a shout out. Like, shout out to Haiti. And like eight people just got shot because they're like, yeah, shout out. And then they just immediately. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Unfortunately, lived on the first floor. I've been to Haiti.

And shot up the entire building. How was it? I fell off a banana boat. Okay. He also swam to Cuba and he is Alien Gonzalez. How was Cuba? It was great, man.

I hear all the food is very sweet from the sugar. That's true. I drank a lot. I drank a lot of sugar cane juice every day. I worked on a sugar cane plantation. What? Who are you? Damien and Kevin, here we have the white version.

What was that, some Habitat for Humanity type shit? I feel like that was worse than pretending to be homeless in St. Mark's. Going to be a slave in fucking Cuba. That was some shit to pad your high school shit to get into college. I was on a plantation. Oh, man. Worked on a sugar plantation in Cuba.

This is me climbing palm trees. And just so you can say that, though, and now you can always say that, and it just makes me hate you so much. I appreciate liberal arts colleges. Dude, why don't you use that as a credit that part of your life should be called the irony years i want to know what you were doing like how did you end up how bad i had like a commie spanish teacher and she was like organizing a trip with all these other commies and i went

down there and uh i. Did you see how wonderful communism is? I got bronchial pneumonia because I was 15 years old and nobody was paying attention. You let you go! I drank rum. My very complacent mother. I drank rum all day. I was 15 years old. Drank rum all day, swam in the ocean. You were 15?

I wouldn't even let my girl go into the apartment of the owner of American Apparel at 15, let alone Cuba in a sugar factory. Holy Lord, did you have... It's a green plantation. That sounds so scary and dangerous. You can't take away that plantation. That's the cred.

That's the part. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was it... Was it the plantation? I was the worst employee at the whole plantation. Yeah, of course. Dude, you were a 15-year-old white kid from Seattle. Yeah.

But you had long blonde hair and shit. Always wearing board shorts. But I was fat, too. I was fat at that point. Oh, you were fat? So you just wanted to go to the land of sugar. Mama, oh, mama, I want to go to the sugar land. How does it compare to Willie Walton's chocolate factory?

I love how you think that Cuba is like the chocolate factory or something. Mama, I must go to the sugar land. Yeah, I mean, those Cuban women do look like Oompa Loompas, but that's the science of it. They're adorable. Hey, my dad's fucking one. I can say that. Hey! All right, so we got a segment from Holden McNeely.

Yeah, good segment today, eh? All right, so yeah, this is we'll go around, we'll thank someone from our past for making us into the, helping to make us into the monster that we are today. I'm pretty drunk, but I'll start. Alright. I want to thank

I don't know this kid's name. Now he's an adult male. This was in preschool. This memory popped into my head today. I i was in the bathroom um and i was washing my hands and this kid behind me was like hey check this out look man and i turned around and he p stream shot directly into my eye he peed into my eyeball and i've never talked about this on the cast before and when i was trying to think of what I was like, that had a profound effect on me. I do not know how

years of therapy will tell me. I've not been able to afford that yet in my life but as soon as I do I'll find out. But I want to thank that kid for peeing in my eye. That doesn't seem like it helped you at all. I think it's how I ended up getting into comedy. I turned into a real asshole after that. I think it's how I ended up getting into comedy. I turned into a real asshole after that.

I don't understand. How did he get his piss up to your eye? It is a vague memory. I do not know, but I just remember stream, boom, in the eye, and then my mom was like, why is your eye all red? And I was like, he pee-peed in my eye, that kid

over there. What did you do immediately? Did you just stand there? I cried. This is my situation. Yeah, exactly. I cried. I cried. You're going to piss on the kids up? I had pee.

Yeah, well, I just all I remember, I don't know if it got in my mouth or on my shirt or anywhere else, but my eyeball. I think he had an extraordinary aim. I do love that about the eyeball. It's a very sensitive thing. The first gal I ever fucked, Morgan, she was 24, I was 18. She was a heavyset, broad, large double Ds. Came right in her eye. After seven hours of fucking.

Wow. She had toilet paper in her pussy. Did a little teepee in that toilet paper. Is that why it took so long? No, I liked it. I liked that part about it. But the thing about the eye is, you're in her cum. It really rents it out.

You just made Holden's incredibly gross story somehow more gross. Yeah, I mean, Holden got... You should have worn the glasses back then. I know, I didn't have the glasses back then. Didn't know I was going to need them until later. Now I love giving a girl the red eye. That's what it's called? No, I mean,

that's what I call it. White eye! White eye. It's white-eyed broad. That's the truth. Either way, let's take a break. Anybody else want to give a thank you? Who's next? Damien, let's go in order. All right.

I ain't giving nobody any props for shit. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. I really don't want to thank anybody. I can't really think of nobody. Off the top of their head, there's this one kid. I will not big him up because he whipped my ass back when i was like 16 and he was 14 but nobody was around so i appreciate the fact that he just kept that shit between him and i he had all of his limbs though right he wasn't like a little nub boy or anything like that not a half nah he was he was

perfectly able you know what i mean so you really you won that fight no he beat the shit out of me it was going my way for a bit and i I slipped up, and then it was over. But again, like I said, you know what? I got up off the floor. He got up off and whipped my ass, and we went our separate ways, and that shit has never bloated. You know, again, thank you, and we'll keep that shit on the up. Was that the only time you've ever been beat up, Damien?

Nah. Twice. Twice. Twice that I can remember. You're a. Twice. Twice that I can remember. You're a lucky man. Twice that I can remember. I ain't never been beat to the point where I didn't remember no shit. No, three times this stand up.

There's one time. There's one time. But they all fucked up. There's, you know, you always learn a lesson from the badest whippers. I remember one time I fought this one kid. I won't say his name because you get no shout out for whipping my ass. I'm sorry. That's where self-deprecation stops.

I went to his house. Everybody was like, yo, you going to fight this kid? I was like, yeah. And then, you know, you got hype because of the crowd. Everybody was excited about it. And then the crowd died down because he was nowhere to be found. I knew where to find him. I went to his crib, knocked on his door.

Then his big brother and the dog came out. And his big brother became his corner man and I was dolo and he whipped my ass for about seven good minutes and that shit was that was defining. That sounds fun. So yeah, shout out to them

unknown motherfuckers. Getting your ass kicked is always great. I got my ass kicked from a guy named Casey Ruda. He was like 5'8". He was like 6'7". Yeah, he was a full foot shorter than you. Yeah, he was a junior in high school. I was a freshman.

And so we, like, boxed. So I thought I would be, like, really cool and let him hit me in the head like a big fucking dumb asshole. Be like, I'll take all of the punches to my face and, like, not block. Because I was a big fan of Mick Foley, of course. And then he just, like, ended up knocking me out. I mean, it went to decision. But I got one punch. And then it was off.

Wait, did you really box? You were a boxer? No, it was just, like, in the back. It was Sarah Berlinski's party. And it was just, like, in her garage. And everyone got around. And then Casey was like, I'll fight you. And I was like, I'll fight you.

And I was drunk. And it was all for good laughs. And then I wanted to was like, I'll fight you. I was like, I'll fight you. I was drunk. It was all for good laughs. Then I wanted to be a master. I was more like Blaster. You were Blaster from Beyond Thunderdale? Exactly. I was just a big, retarded person.

I had a shaved head. People were all barking at me. You had a shaved head? Yeah, in high school I had a shaved head throughout the whole show. You're a lot fatter, right? I was a lot fatter than I am now. and I'm still fat. That sounds fucking terrifying. Yeah, getting beat up is just the worst. So, yeah, there is no thank you.

I'm not thankful for kids. I don't know why you gave him a credit. Well, I mean, this is also the guy who made me do the dime drill my freshman year. Really? Same fucking kid? He was a terrible man. He's a janitor now. He's a janitor.

I'll fuck him. I said we'd go back to Wisconsin and get the shit out of this. We should explain the dime drill with the toilets, right? It's when you push a dime around the toilet bowl with your nose. And you have everybody around you taking bets on how quick you can do it. But, of course, I was like, I didn't get any of that money. And it was just very humiliating. Kevin, what do you got?

Well, I mean, who am I going to thank? I guess I'll thank my mother, Claudette Barnett. She just got so much hate. She did right. She would just blame me for shit I wasn't even aware of as a kid and beat me for not waking up

to wake her up to take me to doctor's appointments I didn't even know about. I remember she would just sit there and she would talk about my older brother, Corey's doing this, Corey's got great grades, why aren't you more like Corey? Every day she would do this, why aren't you more like Corey? Corey's doing great.

You're nothing, you're nothing. And you know, just like right now, that's why I am the fucking beast that I am today, and I always imagine that people see me with a mist surrounding me, and that's why I am the fucking beast that I am today. And I always imagine that people see me with a mist surrounding me. And that's how I move through the world. Thank you, Claudette Barnett. Claudette Barnett.

Andy Haynes, what do you got? Oh, shit. Who am I going to thank? Who am I going to? I don't really. I can't think of many people. I got molested. I can thank that guy for making me a wreck of a man.

How was the molestation? When was that? I was in third grade. I was in a body cast because I'd broken my femur. Then later on I became an alcoholic and a bulimic and then eventually a comedian. I'll tell you, I'm with you on the alcoholic and bulimic. I was never touched. Not the comedian.

Not the comedian. I've never done comedy in my life. I would love to start at some point. What was the... Not the comedian. Not the comedian. No, not the comedian. I've never done comedy in my life. I would love to start at some point. What was the molestation like? So he just twiddled your little dick? Well, you were in a full body cast and he twiddled your dick? He was my babysitter

and he said I wasn't allowed to eat unless I touched his junk. It wasn't that bad. I mean, kids get raped and stuff. Yeah, you molest... You touched him. Yeah, exactly. So you raped this man? Yes. From a body cast. I mean, kids get raped and stuff. You molested, you touched him. Yeah, exactly. So you raped this man?

Yes. From a body cast. I should feel proud about this. What am I doing? All these years, you should have just... You're like the no-leg wrestler, you know? Yeah, exactly. You overcame adversity.

You guys have really helped me find out some stuff. That's what this show's all about, man. That's what it's all about. From a body cast, you stroked this guy off the climax? No, literally, I touched it. That's all I had to do. Oh, that's it? Yeah. Come on, that's not molest man. That's what it's all about. From a body cast, you stroke this guy off the climax? No, literally, I touched it. That's all I had to do. Oh, that's it? Yeah.

Come on, that's not molestation. I did have to go to the police station. Well, it technically is definitely molestation. Technically, yes. I had to go to the police station, and they interrogated me. They interrogated me like I had shot Omar from The Wire. Bad cop. That's so worse.

How funny is that? When you're in a cop station, when I was, I forget what grade I was. My brother went ahead of me on my bike, on his bike, Chris did. So I made up this elaborate story about how a fellow in a red van with dents in it and rust tried to offer me candy. After I got home like 20 minutes later, my mother freaked out, took me to the police station. I had to keep the lie up throughout this entire like 45 minutes talking to a detective. It was pretty awesome. Wow.

So I wonder if someone ever got arrested. I hope so. I don't know what I based my idea of a pedophile off of. Red pickup truck, full of rust stains, and dents. That's the only thing I can think of. He was trying to get his life together. He bought that van

that morning. He was like, I'm going to change everything. Get my kids back. Can't wait to lose. The back of the van was full of stuffed animals he got at the Goodwill. Poor bastard. Hey, I will say that I did, I used to box, and I got the shit beat out of me by a 14-year-old named El Gato. What?

That's about appropriate. Get me out. When I was 20 years old. Oh, when you were 20. Yeah, he knew how to box. I did not. He beat the shit out of me. Rick Flair's son, who I was like five years older than,

I wrestled him. Yes, I wrestled him. And he just went in front of his friends and they all laughed at me as I got pinned to the ground. Was it David or Reed? It was, I think it was, no, it was Reed, right? I think it was Reed, the younger one, right? Yeah, yeah, Reed. It was Reed.

And I hung out with his daughter when I was home. Big, big tits. Proud of him. Yeah. Just throwing that in there. So, Lawrence, how about yourself? Well, you know, I got beat up worse than anyone in this.

I'll just, if you want to light me up one minute, I'll go through different beatings. You were tight funny on it. When I was six, in elementary school, we did a school play of Ninja Turtles. And my dad made me this badass shredder costume with soccer pads and cardboard spikes coming out of it. I love that he made you the villain. Well, that's exactly. So every day at school after that was four against one.

The kids would just beat the shit out of me because of how well I did Shredder. They'd be like, look, there's Shredder over there. And they'd kick my fucking ass. I mean, you know, they had to defend. I didn't even get a bebop or rock study, though. I mean, it's not fair. And then, oh, when i was i was like uh 15 or 16 i remember i had to really use the bathroom and i was with my brother and his friend scott and my brother uh like held dangled the keys in front of me he's

like you're not getting in the house and then scott grabbed me by my arms put me in a full nelson uh you know rick rude signature move and uh then uh my, put me in a full Nelson, you know, Rick Rude signature move. And then my brother punched me in the stomach until I shat my pants. I mean, I think that's pretty standard stuff. Yeah. I would say that's not that standard. When I was six years old in kindergarten, or no, it must have been preschool. This is still Chicago.

Ben just got destroyed as a child. No, I didn't. I won. This is a story I won. But, inevitably, I lost. No one in a test from the Crip t-shirt has ever had a good childhood. No, it was odd. It was a weird one.

There was a big... You don't grow up good and laugh at boys and ghouls, alright? Boys and ghouls is pretty funny. It's funny if that takes the punches away and they keep laughing. Yeah, everything's a fuck. I won this battle. I won a battle. I mean It's funny If that takes the punches away They keep laughing Yeah You sad fuck No no I won this battle

I won a battle I would have defended you There was a man Picking on this girl And he was He was smaller than me But not by much And I sat on him

For the girl's affection And I got suspended For three days Which unfortunately She started dating him Over those three days In preschool And I missed out

on how to make peanut butter so inevitably i lost so you don't have that i don't know how to do it i think he won because if you were a fat kid and you would have known how to make peanut butter oh god possibly true so you're what's what's another story oh so the uh oh yeah so i remember there was there was one time, this is the worst, um, was, uh, with, with my stepdad, we got into like a vicious fight. Uh, I'll put him as the, I had two, the two monsters that made me who I am. One, the McDonald's, uh, uh, owner of the franchise who said one day you're going to be manager. That's how I really got into comedy. I cannot do this. You know, but he's like, you have a good legacy coming here.

Oh, that's so funny. With three mother-daughter combinations. So there are already a lot of legacies. But anyway, so I would say at my stepdad, we got into this, like, vicious argument. I won't go over what, but it was. What was the argument over? I can't. But listen to what Andy said.

It's something to do with that. But anyway, so what ended up happening was... You molested Andy? I did not thank him publicly, all right? Hey, aren't you proud that I was once a babysitter? Yeah, that's the best job ever. Hey, yo, Andy, would have made

your molestation story even better if that shit happened on the plantation. You would have won. Yeah, but it's not molestation there. It's a Saturday. But anyway, so, yeah, so my stepdad, he grabs me by the throat and pushes me up against the wall and starts screaming at me. And I punched him with the nuts with all the hatred. And we had just seen Batman and

Robin a few weeks before that. And he took me. So all the hatred I had for Joel Schumacher, I just unleashed on his testicles. And even though he grabs me, throws me on the ground after that. He's like, if you ever hit me in the nuts again, I'll fucking kill you. And just starts pushing me on the ground after that. He's like, if you ever hit me in the nuts again, I'll fucking kill you.

And just starts pushing me. I was smiling. That's the thing, man. Every fight I've ever won, I've still lost. I once hit my brother in the mouth, and he was bleeding. And he just fucking wailed on me, almost until I was unconscious. But you got that shot. Your life is like if Todd Sollins and Larry Clark made a movie.

Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. Abusive. But if Stan Lee made a cameo. Hang in there, true believer! Jack, who do you want to thank? I mean, I feel like everyone's talking about their beat-up stories, but I guess there's time for that later. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It could be anything. No, no, I feel like when you first said this to me, I feel like everyone's talking about their beat-up stories, but I guess there's time for that later. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It could be anything.

No, no. I feel like when you first said this to me, I realized the main person, because I've been kind of missing on it. In middle school, you know, I used to be a huge bully. And I got sent to the therapist, and they put me on all this, like, rage medication for my anger problems. So good, like, all of high school i was on this like sedative stuff they're like i was always funny always had a good time but i didn't have any anger anymore and i feel like i want to thank that person for making me realize what it was like when i wasn't angry and how fucking boring as shit it was threw that medication out the windows and never again.

I want to be angry and not give a fuck. I'm totally with you. I had to go to the exact same thing. All of the drugs, all of the pharmacies. It makes your brain crazy. It makes you stupid. That's not fun. You know what? I'm angry for a reason and I'm going to live it to the end.

Die drinking! Drinking! You just did like a wrestler Live it to the end. Die drinking! That's it. Christ. You just did like a wrestler promo where the audience wasn't with you at all. They were with me. They were just silent about it. And fuck John Cena.

9-11 doesn't exist. All right, Eddie. What do you got? When I heard about the bit, I thought it was like a positive bit. It's anything. Well, I took a positive heard about the bit, I thought it was a positive bit. It's anything. Well, I took a positive turn on the bit. Take it. Take it.

The guy who made me into a monster is Michael Leonardo. Michael Leonardo, I'm a fan of the family growing up. Can we just confirm he's not a Ninja Turtle? He's not two of the Ninja Turtles. Okay, good. All right. Okay, good. He's an Italian.

Half Ninja Turtle. So the friend of the Ninja Turtles. Okay, good. All right. Okay, good. He's an Italian. Half Ninja Turtle. Still immune. My parents were friends with the Leonardos, and their kid was Michael Leonardo. Michael Leonardo was older than I was, and so he was like five, six years older than me. And every time I used to go over there, I used to just go hang out in his room, and he would never kick me out. And I was just this fat kid. who didn't know anything about life. And he exposed me to rock and roll and death metal and mosh pits and all that shit. And so Michael Leonardo, he's the guy, you know, he's like, here's your first Zeppelin album.

Yeah, Michael Leonardo does sound like the name of a guy who teaches you bass out of his van. Yeah. He was like, oh, man, I lost my of his van. He was like, oh man, I lost my wallet this weekend. I was like, oh, what'd you do? And then he's like, oh, I was mosh pitting at the Beastie Boys concert. Yeah, yeah. He's like, I lost my shit, man. It was

fucked up. My girlfriend left me. I just hang out in his room and he talked like that to me as a kid. And now he runs an ice cream truck called Lady Split. That reminds me just how fucked up the world is man I remember the one time I'd ever been inside of a mosh pit this is like senior year high school I forget what the

concert was but there was a mosh pit going on and me it was like me and my Mexican friend Juan Martinez was just standing in the middle of this mosh pit just it's all white people everyone's going crazy and we're just standing there looking confused for like five minutes. And two cops come up and pull us out. And they're like, yo,

you guys are causing a ruckus. And we have to stand with them for the rest of the concert. That's the best place to be, though. By far the safest. That's how mosh pits work. Marcus, what do you got? Who was a

formative figure in your life? My father, first of all. I'm going more positive spin. My father and this man named Brad Bevel was the exact same way. This kind of older dude was 10 years older than me. He would talk about all that dirty

shit and would give me porno. Like, hey, here, have a good time. But I was like, seven. You just saw Andy's story. He gave it to me and sent me on my merry little way. Thank God for VHS tapes. And also

my dad for giving me a very dark, fucked up sense of humor. Thank you, Dad. Well, there you go. You're a cattle farmer and used to stick pussies up cows' assholes. Used to stick pussies up cows' assholes? That's what Ben just said. Now, I used to

stick cattle prods up cows' pussies. There we go. Get it right. I got a weird story, if I could just... We have all the time in the world. Go ahead. Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay, if there's one more, I have to go take a piss so bad I'll be our pastor. There we go. Get it right. There you go. I got a weird story, if I could just... We have all the time in the world. Go ahead. Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay, if there's one more,

I have to go take a piss. So bad, I'll be our past. Go, go. Take a piss. Because we're talking about porn, like the first time you watch porn and stuff.

My brother, I've never admitted this on stage or anything, my brother taught me to masturbate. All right. How did he do that? I didn't tell him

that that was weird or wrong. Huh? How did he teach you? He didn't tell him that that was weird or wrong. Huh? How did he teach you? He just masturbated in front of me and then watched me do it while we were watching porn. Wow. I mean, that's the thing about brothers. I thought that was okay. I don't think it's not okay.

Well, I mean, we discussed stuff. Like, I didn't watch anything, but we talked about shit. Like, he taught me kind of like what was up with shit, which felt awkward, but it was better than coming from your parents. And around your friends, everyone's supposed to already know. So you can't talk about it around your friends. Everybody's testing each other to see if they already know, but nobody knows. Nobody knows anything.

Yeah, that's the thing. My buddy just told me, and I went home and tried it and peed, and then did it again the next day and figured it out. Yes! That first comment's always, my dick swelled up like a lion's mane. It was disgusting. But I'm happy that my brother didn't teach me that. I could not jack off to gay porn that way. That would have been very disgusting.

But I used to sleep on my older brother's ass all the time. Really? Yeah, I would just sleep on it like a pillow. I think brothers do that kind of stuff. We didn't do none of that, man, but I learned. That makes sense, too. That's actually probably the better response. It's like white brothers do that shit.

That's a white brother thing. It is a white brother. But I learned about it. Nope. All homo. Yeah. I learned about jerking off at a very early age, but I think I was like 8, 9, and when I did it, I thought I was the first person who ever did it in the world.

I can't wait to tell this story, to let people know. You were 9 years old when you came here? I was really young. That's really young, man. I was like 12. What did you jack to at 9 years old? I could still do this shit for a while. I don't know, man.

I was really in a Chun-Li for street fights. You jacked to a video game? That's about right, though. I was really into Chun-Li from Street Fighter. You and Chun-Li? That's about right. That's a fine bitch. It sounds to me like you're a very commanding boyfriend. Wait, you want to fuck those thighs? Those thighs are amazing. That's why you went right to the thighs.

Those shits are amazing. That's my idea. I'm still looking for a bitch like that to date. Wait, do you jerk off the faster her legs go when she yells yap, yap, yap, yap, yap? Am I the only one here that jerked off the titties for their first time?

I think you're going to say Blanca. Am I the only one here who jerked off the tits of her head? Wait, to who? Just titties in general? Naked Vanna White. I? I love Vanna White. Naked Vanna White. I never got into Vanna White, man.

Oh, man. You got to see these pics. I'll send them to you. I'm going to tell you, though. Shout out to Linda Carter for being the first white woman I've ever been attracted to. All right. Hey, here we go. Let's end this podcast. All right.

We're going to end the podcast. It's a wrap. Food has arrived. So thank you so much for listening to the Roundtable of Gentlemen. What a hot fucking show. It was amazing. Jackie Zebrowski, Ed Larson, Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett, Marcus Parks, the Chuckle Hut,

we had the beautiful Michael Lawrence, the luscious Andy Haynes, and the always sexual Damien Lemon. Alright, I will talk to you later. Have a safe commute. We got some

taquitos to eat. I'm loving it. You fucking jerk-off fucker.