The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 37: Live at the Creek and the Cave!

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

That’s right, it’s our first ever live episode! Join us on stage (kinda) as Holden and Jackie finally realize how the weird and horrible things they say really are once they have to actually look at strangers while they say it, we discover our listeners are not as horrible of people as we are (or so they claim) and of course, murder and knives.

What do you think? Should we just start the podcast? Yeah. What do you think? Should we start the podcast? Should we start the podcast? Yeah. All right.

I guess we're going to fucking do it. Eat a dick. Fantastic. Absolutely great. I don't know, man. Eat a dick. Eat a dick. Oh, you said eat a dick?

Yeah. Eat a dick. And I believe, Holden McNeely, you were on prayer this fine day. All right. Well, as you know, what I do is I don't want to discount our Buddhist friends, our New Age friends. I'm not drunk. Buddhist, New Age. Our weed cupcake friends.

So let's all close our eyes, and I'm going to lead you through a guided meditation. Everyone close your fucking eyes. All right. Close your fucking shitty eyes. What if I fall asleep? Shut the fuck up and close your eyes. Don't fall asleep eyes. Alright. There is... Fucking shitty eyes. What if I fall asleep? Shut the fuck up and close your eyes. Stay asleep. Okay.

Alright. Alright. You're Super Mario. Alright. There's a Goomba. Are you gonna jump on the Goomba? Is the Goomba your spirit animal? It's a fucking retarded spirit animal. So I hope not. You jump on a... You jump up and hit a question mark block with your head. But your spirit animal? It's a fucking retarded spirit animal. So I hope not. I don't even know if it's an animal.

You jump up and hit a question mark block with your head. All right. It knocks you out. What? Yeah, you go to the space realm. All right, cool. Is the alien beast an octopus? That's fucking right it is. And's It's tentacles wrapped around your neck

Your head, your balls Is it getting in ya? Where is it getting in ya? Can it get in the ear or the mouth? That's up to you It's getting in my dick hole In your penis hole That's a tiny octagon

What's going on with that? It's a tiny alien octagon Now you're free falling That's a tiny octagon What's going on with that? It's a tiny alien octagon Plus Mario is a huge dickhole And now you're free-falling The Tom Petty song Free-falling It's not that bad It's a little more peaceful that way

You're falling, you're falling Alright, there's a coyote falling as well Awesome Is it Wile E? I don't know I don't know either It's up to you Your eyes are closed.

Okay. Now you hit the ground. Smack. You're dead. Thank God. Yeah, man. Where do you go? Do you go to heaven or to hell?

Do you go to purgatory? Do you go to my mother's house? Does she make you cookies? Or does she make you a sweet, sweet pile of that big, cookies? Or does she make you a sweet, sweet pile of that big, tit- I'm attracted to my mother is what I'm trying to say. I'm attracted to my

mother. This entire scene was a ruse. Suck you. Does she fuck you? I don't know. I don't know what I want. Every day I lose more respect for you. You're in this whole process to get to the point where you fucking announce that you want to fuck your mother. Now breathe. Breathe.

Take a second to realize the state you're in and slowly open your eyes and oh my god, you're at the round table live. Yay! The state I'm in is called your mother's vagina. Ooh! Ooh!

Welcome to the roundtable of Gentlemen Live. What a hoot. What a hoot. The greatest podcast to ever exist. It's a little worm that feeds into your brain. And that worm has little turd babies. And those turd babies become the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Who are you fantastically ugly people?

Ed Larson. Jack Zabrowski. Meow. Kevin Barnett. What's up, hoes? Holder McNeeley, again, for the meditation earlier, so. That's what I did. I'm the host

Benjamin Kissel, and with us in the chuckle hunt, the one and only vivacious Henry Zabrowski. Hey! Hello, Henry. You are adorable. That was a good one. You are adorable. That was a good one. You look good.

I feel ready for the podcast. And with us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, Marcus, what do you got for us, buddy? Got a story out of Fort Worth, Texas, a Western Hills High baseball team in an effort to break a losing streak, Sacrifice chickens on the field. Yes! So we got to... It kind of lends a new meaning to the field of dreams, doesn't it? So we have Fort Worth, Texas.

This is your home state. My own state, yeah. This is where you went to high school and middle school. Have you heard about this being a tradition amongst other high school baseball players? Or is this something new and out of the box, so to speak? This seems like something out of the box. I've never heard of anybody sacrificing animals in order to break a loo. I mean, people just killing animals.

It's a Mexican rule. It's a Mexican rule. Were they called like the Fort Worth voodoo kingpins? That would make total sense. How many Haitians are in Fort Worth, man? So what was their record before the chicken sacrifice? The record before the... It doesn't say the record before the chicken sacrifice.

They're 7-15 overall. Hey! Not good. That's pretty bad. But since the sacrifice, they've gone 2-1 Including a victory last night In which they beat a team 11-1 They still lost the game They lost one game

But they're doing a hell of a lot better At least it wasn't a wasted chicken I would have been upset about that They were baby chickens They were like little chicks They're going to have a really hard time when the Oklahoma Papa Shangos come to town.

I'll tell you that much. It's going to get wild. I feel bad for any goat living in Texas on that game night. A lot of bloodshed, and they're going to lose their testicles, which I think will be pretty fantastic as well. Do you think they wear their uniforms while they sacrifice the chickens? I'd imagine they do.

That would be great if they dressed the chickens up in their uniforms. They'd wear their uniforms for the chickens and then murder them? Or the opposing team? The opposing team? Or perhaps dress the chicken up like a tiny umpire? Damn! See, I feel like I would dress the chicken up

as an umpire and then take him out to dinner. Schmooza. That's a good point. And hopefully the actual umpire feels that a chicken is out there living his life for him. And he's like, well, they did buy me a steak. I'm going to call them their way in this next competition. I've been on a date with a chicken, man. It did not go well.

What happened with that? It was too into itself. It didn't want to hear about the meat. It didn't want to know the meat. Do you think it's because the chicken doesn't have actual thought and it has no idea that it's an actual chicken? It probably doesn't even know that you exist. You probably just stole a chicken

and then brought it to Ponderosa with you. And everyone was very scared. Don't nobody want to be around you, man. Who knows about science? I mean, uh... Oh, yeah, me. All right, good. Oh, yeah, man.

So do, like, when a chicken finds a rooster and they, like, love each other, do they fuck? No, man, they cock-a-doodle-doo. Yay! Bam! Science!

Oh, wow. Does anybody know? Does anybody know? Yeah, Rooster just fertilizes the egg. So what, she lays the egg and he just comes on it? I think so. That's awesome. That's so much better.

Yeah. I mean, it seems weird to me that chicken eggs have nipples on them. That's what I think is so bizarre. What are you talking about, man? What is that? Nipples. I come to woman's nipples. We know what nipples are.

That's what I'm saying. So this team in Texas did the sacrifice, and now these young youths, they're facing some charges. Is that right? Yeah, the charges that they're facing, these are both juveniles. So their names... 15, 16 years? Yeah, they're 15 and 16, yeah.

Chicken killing years. Yeah. Yeah, that was... I mean, how many chickens did you kill around that age? I only killed reptiles and amphibians. Oh, that's true. You're such a nice guy. But you ran a cattle farm.

Yeah. So you killed thousands of cows. I mean, we don't kill the cows ourselves. We take them to the slaughterhouse. Well, we take them to the butcher, but we put them on the... See, I always just figured you guys had one of those rods. You put a shotgun shell on the end of it, and you're just like, bam! Right in the cow's fucking head.

We're not the family from fucking Texas Chainsaw Massacre. We're pretty close. I mean, I think it's funny how you don't have any blame whatsoever in your heart for the fact that you put the cows on the truck that's going to the slaughterhouse. I mean, that's like a... Well, you feel bad until steak comes to you. I don't feel bad at all. Cows are bred to be murdered.

They are. They're not smart animals. They can't think. You just shoot them in the hand. It's like Chinese women. What? It's similar. Wait. No!

It is kind of like a Chinese woman in that they make fantastic bags. I understand where you're coming from on that. Can I just say I just feel so much more vulnerable when we do this on stage and people watch it. Things that are sad and disgusting.

Yeah, it was a bizarre racist comment. I don't pull the TV. The personality of these women in the room understand you're not people. Don't be offended. Just get on that truck that's going to take you to the factory. It's going to be fine. It's a dance party when you get to the place where it's at. Don't worry about it.

It's going to be fine. I mean, that is the thing, though. That's like total human nature. It's like you have no, you don't feel any remorse for putting the cows on the train. It's how people, train conductors who were driving the Jews to Auschwitz in 1940s Germany went to sleep at night. I didn't do anything wrong. Not that Jews are equated to cows. What's new in the news?

What I'm saying. Marcus Parks with the news. I'm saying it's a similar thought process. So what happened to these kids anyway? What happened to these kids? Alright, well these kids they're facing charges. I mean, this is an animal cruelty charge. State. It's a felony.

Apparently punishable by 180 days to two years in jail and can include a fine not to exceed $10,000. Even as a minor? Even as a minor. Really? Also, you claim religious views that you're doing it

as sacrificial bullshit? It's Fort Worth. There's no fucking voodoo kids there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's completely insane and ludicrous because it's like those chickens weren't going to grow up

and become big-time businessmen on Wall Street. They weren't going to own a small fucking shoe store in the middle of Burbank, California. They were going to own a small fucking shoe store in the middle of Burbank, California. They were going to die three years earlier or later. It's like, I don't understand how people can go to prison for killing something that we consider food in the first place.

How did they kill them? It doesn't actually say, it doesn't go into detail. I hope it was drowning. I just feel like... No, you've got to spray the blood on the guy. Spray the blood on the first base, second base, and third base. Yeah, there's got to be some blood spray. It's a sacrifice.

Drowning is just so personal. Yeah. How is drowning personal to you, Ed? Is this an experience? It's a personal experience situation we're talking about, Ed. I'll just say it. I've never really met anyone who's drowned. Does anyone know I have a buddy who's drowned here?

No, no, no. That's the thing, man. It's hard to find. Everyone I knew could swim very, very well. Yeah, it's not hard to do. Just calm down and float. Well, I've got gills. Right.

I was born with gills. My eyes used to be on the side of my head, but a doctor fixed it, which was a good situation for me. I wish he didn't. I know, right? You should be back in your fish form. That'd be much better.

That way I wouldn't fucking know you or care about you. I mean, that's the thing. So would you rather have your throat cut as they assume these chickens' throats were cut, or would you rather be drowned in a bucket? I mean, if I'm going to go anywhere, I'm going with the classic a la throat beheading. That's where I'm going. I'm doing it all the way. I want to fucking cut off. I don't want to know. I feel like you

especially die, like if you drown, don't you die with your eyes open like in shock? Drowning's painful as fuck. I don't know if it is. I think it's peaceful. I hear that drowning... No, really, I hear that drowning is an amazingly peaceful, euphoric experience. Oh, no, man. It's a book. Did you hear that drowning is an amazingly peaceful, euphoric experience. Nah, man.

Who the fuck did you hear that from? Because I assure you, nobody is dead and drowned and came back to me like, you know, it wasn't that bad. I miss my kids and my wife, but it was kind of euphoric and pleasurable. Your fucking lungs are supposed to fill up with water and blood and you fucking choke the shit out of your life. That sounds peaceful. Hey, I'm not arguing with science. Hey, but when that's all over, you get to cum. That's a good point.

Speaking of cumming, we have a fantastic news story. There's a new site out there called Porn WikiLeaks that's really blowing up the world of jizz buckets and sperm banks. What is that? What's going on in the porn industry? Real shake up here. These people owe us money, by the way. The porn industry. We talk about porn so much.

Yeah, we do. I think I owe them a lot more than they owe me. I'm fairly certain. I've done a lot of good things. The funniest thing is you see a porn star doing some sick shit on you, Jizz, or X-Hamster, and then you fantasize about doing something even worse. Oh, no. Yeah, that's how it goes.

That's where the creativity comes in. So, the real... Vince Brothers in the audience, by the way. My brothers watch far grosser porn than you could ever fucking imagine. Their idea of, like, straight Christian sex is butt-fucking and cock all over their... Never mind. They're right to my left of me, but they suck a lot of dick and they poop. What?

Poop in the butt? All right. All right. The real... I'm not saying anything... Jesus Christ, Skitzel. All right. I'm just saying.

My tastes are very... You're going to die alone. You love ass play. You love ass play. It has just been revealed to me that this podcast should be filmed at a concrete square underneath the ground. It should not be outside. It should be put in a prison somewhere. It would be the only podcast just to survive the nuclear holocaust.

And somehow we'll make the world worse for that. All right. Porn WikiLeaks. The real and staged names of thousands of current and porn film workers has been leaked online. Awesome. The data has been posted on a WikiLeaks-style site. I do love this. I want to make a point.

I love the fact that porn stars change their name, but they're butt naked with their face fully exposed. So they're like, oh, no one's gonna know it's me. I changed my name from Tiffany to fucking Nancy. No one's gonna know.

It's like, they're like delusional superheroes. Molds are made of their vaginas and dicks. Exactly. And distributed

to people in their home. And if they go into porn, I mean, a man could probably recognize every single thing about them just by Looking at their little snatchy lips. Oh, yeah, holy lord. She was she said by me in math class I would recognize that pussy anywhere. That's the thing. I know like two girls are doing porn now for my high school

Oh, yeah, I know like three Ridiculous great man. It's like I can actually fuck them on it. I don't need to really be there I don't need to see that shit. I don't want to fucking there. I just fucking work it at my house inconvenience. Play Starcraft afterwards. I'm chilling. That's the thing. There is nothing great. You come and then you're just immediately looking at a horror website or Facebook. Ben, what porn stars can you

tell just looking at their vagina? Like, which porn stars can you just, if you saw the vagina, you could say their name? Oh my god. It's tough to say. Well, here's the thing. Every vagina does something different. They're vagina, you could say their name? Oh my god, it's tough to say. Well, here's the thing. Every vagina does something different. They're like, you know, smaller Cadbury eggs.

Not one is the same as the other one because of the interfeel. You never know what's going on. That's true. But if it's like, okay, so is the pussy in action? Yeah, it's getting fucked. The pussy's getting fucked. So, for example, okay, I'm looking at a black pussy and that black pussy is squirting. Oh, that's getting fucked. The pussy's getting fucked. So, for example, okay, I'm looking at a black pussy

and that black pussy is squirting. Oh, that's shade of fire. That's good to know. I'm looking at a pussy and there isn't a dick inside of it because the dick is inside of the mouth of the woman that the pussy belongs to. That's Sasha Gray.

So it's all about the game of like pussy recognition. And absolutely, I would be more able to anus. Really? I can judge a woman's personality by her anus. It's a war on the butts. Yeah, I know their sign immediately.

And I can tell where they went to high school. If it's shaped like a little ram, you know that she's an Aries? Yeah, that's an Aries. If anyone in the audience was to come up and show Ben the Reiner so he can explain to everybody where you went to high school and when your parents were divorced. Better than DNA testing.

So anyway, we can talk about buttholes all day. So we got this WikiLeaks site. Now what's going on in the porn community? There's a big uproar? There's a huge uproar. The data has been posted on a WikiLeaks site. It, what's going on in the porn community? There's a big uproar? There's a huge uproar. The data has been posted on a WikiLeaks style site. It was apparently obtained from the Adult Industry

Medical Healthcare Foundation, AIM. That's where all the porn stars go to get tested. And everybody in the porn industry, whenever they want to find out if one of their actors or actresses has an STD or not, they can go on this site to see it.

So it's available to the entire porno community. Cool. It is. Is porn still shut down? Because I remember they had that AIDS problem. No, they cleared

that up long ago. Yeah, there's no more AIDS in porn. They totally cured it. As a matter of fact no more AIDS in porn. They totally cured it. As a matter of fact, more people in the world should probably take note. They should send porn to Africa. Yeah, no more AIDS. It would be pretty phenomenal. And Jane of Fire would be a big hit.

Porn in Africa is just like pictures of steaks. It's a huge feast. Jane of France got the check on everybody. huge feasts. Shittery Zabrowski on the check-on, everybody. It's just a big, it's just one pint of water. He just check-ons.

Non-stop to it. Anything but sand. It's like anything but jungle and sand. They just love to see pure culture. He's so thirsty. So there's this health clinic where all the poor and starved and I would say,

if you're in the health business, if you're some sort of medical doctor, going in to deal specifically with STDs and God knows what else, first of all, this clinic should have counselors on hand. It's run by a former porn star. I'm sure it's perfectly run then. I mean, that's a goldmine for any doctor. That's a big-time place. No one's going in there and the checkup is just like, squeaky clean.

You look great. It's always something bumpy. And something's probably going to make it two weeks off. A lot of two weeks off, I would imagine. Are there like certain porn stars that don't use condoms all the time? Because I feel like I can't get off when you see a condom on a guy. No one doesn't feel as good. I'm with you, Jack.

No, but this is true. Every time. I can't get off with a condom on. You know, so I understand. Every time I see a porn star fucking a chick with a condom, I'm just like, why don't you trust him? Just take it off. He is a fucking nice dude. He's filming you.

It's like he's putting you on the tiny screen. The smallest of screens. But nonetheless. Columns just suck. Yeah. They just suck. I just haven't seen it in porn in fucking forever. You've never seen it.

I thought I wasn't waiting for you to say in porn. I thought you were just going to finish the sentence. No, no, no. In porn. I always notice whether they've got it or not. And I mean, a lot of times they do, but you can see certain good ones that don't. And I feel like it's more real. It is.

Right? It is. And I guarantee you that whoever runs this AIM clinic certainly enjoys the no-condom sex because they know for a fact the next day they're going to have a client. Because they know for a fact the next day they're going to have a client. I mean, but I feel like, yeah, the thing about the condom is, the thing about porno is they're doing things together that you could never actually do with a woman. If I propose the things that I come to on porno with my girlfriend. I could not fathom. She would never speak to me again.

We would officially be broken up and the whole situation would be over with. It's the same reason that if I enjoyed the Batman series, but if I went out and tried to crime fight at night, I would be killed. So it's like that's why porn exists. Because it gives you, it allows you to live in a world that you can never ever control, nor want, actually, to have.

I would love to see you try to stop crime. That's what we're doing. Is the world just Batmans who fuck? want actually to have. I would love to see you try to stop Brian. Is the world just Batmans who fuck? Going back to the identity thing, I feel like that's what Clark Kent, he wore glasses when he was Clark and then Superman, no glasses. I'm going to change my name. No one will know who I am. And put your hair

in pigtails. There you go. Pigtails for the thing there. So what are some of the names of the famous porn stars that we know? All right. Some of the names. Gianna Michaels. Her real name is Tara Wicker.

Horrible name. Horrible name, yeah. Jenna Hayes. Her real name is Jennifer Maria Corrales. Now, whose favorite was jenna jenna hayes was that you kibbe i mean i don't really even fucking know people's names man you're insensitive i know i know that's the thing i make sure to know their names you see i don't see class i don't even got time for it man you know i keep it moving

whose was was that yours olden what. Was that yours, Holden? What? No. Was that yours, Henry? I'm a weird one with mine. What do you like? I just look at, you know, familiar faces. Oh my god. That's so much worse.

You're just talking about high school, talking college, high school. I am still beaten off to cheerleaders in high school. I'm going to say it. God forbid any girl wear In college, high school. I am still beaten off to cheerleaders in high school. Oh, my God. I'm going to say it. It's so sad. God forbid any girl wear a miniskirt around you.

Oh, Lord knows. Your dick is so immature. I'm bad with the eyes on the subway train. I'll say that. I'm too much with the eyes. See, I like to jerk off to strangers. Absolutely. If I'm beaten, I don't want to know who they are.

I don't want to ever see them or recognize them again. And it is bad what we do in the dark. What are you talking about? It's funny because it's not like the global we. It's just like Holden and his disgusting cock. You are not us, man.

You are not me. You just look at his dick and he's just like, oh, we're doing something terrible. I would be so horrified if the rest of the world were anything like me. I would fucking want to just blow up this whole goddamn thing. Like, I'm fucking glad the only thing I have in common with you is this podcast, man. That's about right. That is about right indeed.

So anyway, so this AIM thing, people are upset about it, all that kind of bullshit. I think we can get to the porn. Sasha Gray's actual name is Maria Hatzig. That's kind of fun. Marina Hatzis. What's that? That's not a Jew name, is it? Marina Hatzis.

H-A-N-T-Z-I-S. It doesn't matter. I like Jewish girls. a Jew name, is it? Marina Hatzis. H-A-N-T-Z-I-S. A Jew name? It doesn't matter. I like Jewish girls. I know, but if you went up to a Jewish girl named Maria Hatzis

and you were like, is that a Jew name? I don't think that she would be like, oh, I wonder if he really likes Jewish women. No, I'm just excited. I think she would be like,

she's in history. Wait, wait, man. How many of these hoes are on Facebook, man? Let's add them up. I want to send them Starcraft strategies. Maybe one would be like,

oh, this is what I was waiting for. I feel like you were the first man a porn star wouldn't fuck. It would be shocking. And you'd probably marry her. All right, what's another news story, buddy? What do you got for us, Marcus? A retired South African rugby star who allegedly went on a killing spree with an axe in one hand and a Bible in the other. Yes!

And been charged with three murders. Only three? Well, I mean, at the same time. He probably should have dropped the fucking Bible, picked up a knife. I mean, what are you going to kill with a Bible? What was his name? His name was

Joseph Ntushangwana. Excuse me? Ntushangwana, South Africa. He claimed to be taking revenge on a gang that raped his daughter and infected her with HIV. However, authorities say that they've established that there was no rape, and he doesn't even have a daughter. I mean, I will give him credit for being a hero, though. It's like straight up going off of the stereotype of Africa

and just trying to get away with everything. It's like, no, man, none of that happened. I blame Liam Neeson from Taken. It's obvious he saw the film one too many times. And the name of the team that he plays for, the Blue Bulls. Ooh. The Blue Bulls. Eddie, I want you to give a description of what this man looks like.

Well, it looks like he's taking a shit in the woods. And he's got a Blue Bulls jersey on, which is very nice. You can tell they're obviously sponsored by the Red Bulls, but for some reason communism isn't in Africa. But yeah, no, he actually looks very patient and he does look, has a murderer's glaze in his eyes.

Yeah, he does. Nice guy. So what's he being charged with? Did he hack him to pieces? Yeah. How many pieces does it say? You know what? You don't know how the news works.

No, no. The liberal media never tell him. I always want the other details they don't give me. It's just like, oh, how many pieces? What's his mother like? Where was mommy? That is the question. I feel like

they're probably going to make a movie about this dude later on. Like, that was his dream his whole life was to have a daughter that got raped and then he could go out and murder a bunch of people. But it just never happened for him. That is the only reason I want children. I just want someone to kill him. I'm doing it. That is the only reason I want children.

I just want someone to kill them and then I am allowed to murder that person. I talked to you, I've asked you about this before, Ben. I mean,

you would like to have a, you know, obviously not to be jailed from it, but to be, to murder, to murder a person.

I would love, I think most people, as an audience member, cheer if you would want to murder a person. I think most people as an audience member cheer if you would want to murder a person. Not, but of course it would have to be a self-defense. This is a bad person. You're not a murderer. A round of applause.

Who wants to murder and who doesn't? So go with who wants to murder first. It's safe to recognize a single one of them is a good person in this audience they're lying the fact of the matter is this is what we discover when we do this live

what? that our audience is a bunch of fucking pussy ass motherfuckers you know how to take action when action is needed to be taken that's what it is

no someone busts into your house I'm sleeping I'm not a morning person and I don't like to be woken up next thing you know wake up motherfucker give me your Nintendo my PSP that I just bought. I'm not a morning person and I don't like to be woken up. Next thing you know, wake up, motherfucker.

Give me your Nintendo. My PSP that I just bought because I got $5,000 for my Oma because she sold her house in Germany. So I bought a PSP and a fucking Ouija board. You got a PSP?

I did. You got a Ouija board? I bought a Ouija board too. I know you got the Ouija board. I literally got $5,000 and I bought a Ouija board and a PSP and four horror t-shirts.

That's right. So she doesn't... That's how you could afford the Ouija. Oh, it's like, Beth's got a new shirt. Five grand? Yeah. For what? Oh, she sold her house in Germany. He just gave you five grand because he sold her house?

She's 90. Oh, it's your family. Oh, I thought these are. Yeah. Her is Oma. That's a random dude. Oh, I thought these were the people you walk their dogs. Oh, no. They bought me a computer. I know! It doesn't matter. No, it doesn't matter.

Anywho, yeah, so someone breaks into your home, and then you have full rights to go, and you can stab them to death. You can shoot them to death. You can maybe watch... First of all, they're going to watch one of my stand-up sets on my flip cam. And I'm going to tie them

to the chair and I'm going to say, are you laughing? I don't think you're laughing hard enough. And then when they stop laughing, and then you just like slowly start to cut them

and then eventually they'll be headed and then, you know, you call the police and you're like, you'll never believe what happened. This guy came into my house.

He was crazy. He watched my stand-up videos on the flip cam and he tried to kill me. And then the cops would be like, oh, I believe you because your stand-up is so bad, I imagine you did try to kill you. I'm scotch-free on self-defense. Boom. That's how you kill somebody.

Back in college when I used to have a badass AK-47 for a little while. I can vouch for this. It was pretty sweet, yeah. Yeah, it was pretty sweet. But one night, I live with Henry at this point. Our life was a little worse. Yeah, we had a chaotic life. I wish I could just see the freezer of your guys' apartment.

It was just all crab claws. I never opened it up. It was just crab claws. But anyway, so I had to break down the door one night because I didn't have the keys. I remember the sound of that. I just remember the sound of the door being broken down. Not forbid you call him on the cell phone. Not a call on my cell phone.

Not one. No one was around. I was with a lady. But Henry was inside of the apartment. So this woman is standing by the door while you're- We had a great time. Nothing excites a woman more than breaking into a house. That's true.

If you want to guarantee sex, break into a house with a woman. Like just a random stranger's house and do it on their couch. I am one for one. I assume you met this woman at a butt stop. So anyway, so after the door was broken, I was like, fuck, the door's broken. How am I going to know if anyone's breaking in? Why were you shocked when you broke the door? Some folks know the wrong part of the story.

And so I used to hide a bench next to the, a stool next to the door. So if anyone opened the door, I would hear the stool fall and I would wake up and I would know someone's in the house. Are you in the Wild West? That is not a home security system! So yeah, when I'm sound asleep and wasted off of four bottles of Jameson, I'm going to hear that chair fall and I'm going to wake up and grab the gun.

I'm going to shoot the guy and go back to bed. So anyway, one day I wake up from a chair falling. It worked. It worked. I was completely right and I falling. It worked. It worked. I was completely right and I worked. Everyone laughs at me like I'm a retard, but I was right. You must have slept fucking less than a hundred, fellas. I know how to pinpoint certain noises.

If you just practice like dropping the stool, you memorize the sound. Exactly. Deep while you're asleep, you hear the sound through your dreams. Yeah. You wake right up. Yeah. The only thing is that Tallahassee wasn't that bad of a place, man. It was safe as shit.

There was some air in space. One of my friends thought somebody broke into the house. There was a dude who accidentally walked in. He's like, oh, I'm sorry. It's my wrong house. I didn't mean to be there. So anyway, someone comes in, and that's the stool over, and I get up out of bed. I was like, yo, what's up?

You in the house? Yeah, I'm in the house. I'm going to rob you now. And they're like, no answer, no answer. And so I grab my gun, and I just rack it. And he's like, pest control. gun and I just rack it and he's like pest control

oh yeah yeah yeah yeah spray spray I mean that's the thing about a fucking AK-47 all you gotta do is clack it and everyone runs away like a bunch of cockroaches that's beautiful man I never thought about really really torturing someone to death.

Until I saw that movie, I Saw the Devil, which is two and a half hours of like... It's a great horror movie. If you haven't had a chance to see, I Saw the Devil. It's a Korean film, and it's amazing. It's just like the best, most ultimate torture movie you could ever see of all time. You love torture movies. I love them. And that movie,

by the end of the movie, in my head, I was just like, what would I possibly do to this man to make him hurt the way I want him to hurt? And I came up with a lot of ideas.

What did you come up with? So this is a fellow who's, let's say he's killed your boyfriend, he's harassing you, you're tied up, you escape, you have a chance to kill this guy. What are you doing? I don't know, a fellow who's, let's say he's killed your boyfriend. He's harassing you. You're tied up. You escape. You have a chance to kill this guy. What are you doing?

I don't know, man. There's a lot of tiny cuts. Yeah, man. We don't cut like paper. Are we talking paper? No, like I would get a really sharp knife and just like tiny stabs, you know? Real little bit of knife. We like that.

Yeah, yeah. Real small. Yeah, thumbtacks. Those are fucking sharp. Hell yeah, man. I would do a lot of ear work. Oh, yeah. Real small. Yeah, thumbtack. Those are fucking sharp. Hell yeah, man. I would do a lot of ear work. Oh, yeah? Like, I would probably take the tiny knife and, like, cut in the center of his ears.

You gotta rip out their fingernails. How about, like, say, this one? Yeah. Would that work? Yeah. Yeah. Let's put the knife away. I would do something like that.

Can we have a volunteer from the audience? Shoot an empty can of Tecate like it's the fella. No, man. Especially if it had to do with a mother, like if I ever had kids, man. What? I would probably just like, no, someone hurt my kids. I can't wait. Get a shit out of them?

I kind of do wish I could be this guy. I think I would make that story up. If somebody punted your child across, let's say, ten yards in front of the lawn and they were upset with you, what are you going to do to them? That's not that bad. What does he have to do to your kid? You know, like something with, like, rape or something.

Like, anytime dicks are involved, or if I have a son, his dick is involved. You know, tiny knives are involved. That seems about proper. Marcus, what other stories do you got for us, buddy? I'm with you, Jackie, though. That's exactly how you kill somebody

who does terrible things to you. Alright, it's time for some local news. Local news. New Yorker Ho Vasco, it's time for some local news. Local news. New Yorker Ho Vasco. That's his name? Her name. Her name? First, someone named their child Ho?

She's Vietnamese. She's a 16-year-old. It's a different culture over there. They name people different things. She's a Vietnamese immigrant. 67 years old. Good one, Ed.

She's just Vietnamese. There's nothing else in there. 67 years old. Says that she went on a Chinatown pickpocketing spree, only pickpocketing Chinese people. To amass money for the poor. That's a bad idea.

That's a terrible idea. The prosecutors have a different explanation. She's a thief who just hates Chinese people. It's possible, but I also... I believe in the goodness of all people, and I believe that she might have been a real lobbing hood. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I believe in the goodness of all people, and I believe that she might have been a real lobbing hood. What? Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Who's going to do it? You want the hot dog? You don't want a hot dog? I could do it all day. I mean, maybe she really was, you know? She was out there pickpocketing the Chinese.

I mean, I feel like it's a bizarre group of people to pickpocket because I always just think they have change in their pockets. I can't really imagine them actually having a whole series of bills or whatnot because they make their money. Why is that, Ben? Because they make their money throughout the day. They cling around. And I would imagine mostly she just got bootleg DVDs and bad smut films. I mean, pickpocketing the Chinese is like going over know, going over to, you know, one of the poorest places on Earth and, you know, trying to steal food. Well, have you ever tried to take a bag of cans from an old Chinese lady?

It's hard. You can't. It's virtually impossible. They're just so low. They've got a low center of gravity. You can't take them down. They've got the fierce steel grip. Here's a quote from the woman after she was arrested.

I do want to point out that she was able to blend in as a Vietnamese woman with the Chinese. Why is that? They look different. They look different. They can tell. You can't tell, but they can tell. They can't tell? I know you're a fucking Nazi.

I can see that from my leg. Well, I pretty much wear it on my shoulders. When I wear a specific jacket. No, nonetheless, big shout out to my opa. He was a fantastic man. Sure, we all make mistakes. This woman... So, I mean, I feel like this woman...

Do you think... I wonder if there's any... Is there any ticket tales? Any receipts that she went to the poor? Well, oh no. Here's what happened. The reason why they say, ticket tales? The tale of the ultimate receipt is like a Bible Gone West story?

I just don't think we should do it live. I just think it's a bad idea. Keep it in the room. We were just safe in the room. It's done. What'd this dumb bitch do, Marcus? Good job, Ed. Thank you, Ed.

The reason why they said she's a 67-year-old refugee from Vietnam, this woman... Idiot. Idiot. She's 67 years old. She suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder from the Vietnam War. Bullshit. She's diagnosed kleptomaniac and after she was

arrested... Serious mental health problems in what they say. This is from the Daily News, by the way. Oh, I love that. Yeah, I love the news. This is the rant that she made after her arrest. Quote, I hate the Chinese people.

They sell fake stuff. What? They get benefit cards and they don't contribute anything back, so I take their money and give it to people who need it. Is Mark Norman down there? Yeah, so that's what this woman says. Oh, man. I feel like it's just tough to say. She seems like a nice gal. I don't know if she's giving the money.

I will say there is something about community. That's the thing about New York City. Everyone thinks it's the melting pot and everything. It's supposed to be the prime example of that. But all groups of people just keep the money to themselves. So she does have a point. If you have a Chinatown business, you're not exactly like going out and putting forward money

to the St. Patrick's Day parade. They don't need cheeseburgers, I'll tell you that much. Yeah, and as we're all aware, man, you know, like, every four Chinese people is equal to one regular person as we've come to warn you.

So they're not doing anything with that money. I think it's good what she's doing. Because the big thing is because you can stack them. Yeah, exactly. They're just so good at standing and on each other's shoulders i miss the circus

and i just you're talking about the stacking and everything i just think i used to have a chinese friend named dan and we used to just use used to throw him in the trees to get fruit for us. Was he a weaver? So this was in Jamaica. No, man, this is Miami, Florida, man. Wildly racist image flew into my head. That's what Dan did.

That's what fucking Dan did. We threw him in the trees, he got fruit. That's not racist. Is that racist? It's true. Jet Li did. That's what fucking Dan did. We threw him in the trees. He got fruit. That's not racist. Is that racist? It's true. Jet Li did on Ocean's Eleven. Yeah, physically, that's what he was made for, so that's what we used him for. Well, that's good.

What kind of fruit was he bringing down for you? You know, like mangoes, avocados, that kind of thing. It was good times. It sounds fantastic. He sounds like a good friend, and he sounds Similar to the Vietnamese woman Going out there Stealing And giving to the poor You gotta be careful

When you're going Going in those trees In Florida You get the coral snakes They love the citrus They'll fucking Bite you and kill you They're worse than a cobra

Is that right? Well that's why We threw Dan up there Man you know that You know we can Scare a snake You can talk to snakes. Every four Chinese people

has a different ability. Snakes speak Chinese. Well, we lost China. That's unfortunate because that's two billion people. We just lost a whole mess of fans. Yeah. That's all right.

Well, staying in the communist realm. Thank God. Russia. Yeah! Oh, yeah, Russia. The family. If you didn't know, the first man in space, his name is Yuri Gagarin. Woo!

All right. Hell yeah. Who's that? Iagarin. All right. Hell yeah. Who's Yuri? I love America. Jesus, Henry. All right. So Yuri Gagarin. 1961, the first guy to go into space.

Of course, whenever it first happened, the Russians were like, oh, yes, it went wonderfully. Everything was perfect. It did not go perfectly. Here's what actually happened. He landed 250 miles away from where they thought he was going to land. So this guy, first guy coming out of space, he lands, he crashes, and then just has to start walking. Did he live? Yeah.

Oh, God, yes, he lived. First man in space goes to space, comes back to Earth, lives, success. You think so? I don't care where he lands, where they thought he was going to land. He's the first dude in space. He went to outer space. First dude ever. Well, he was the first Russian guy. This is like

40 years after we invented airplanes. So it's just like we were barely off the ground. We invented airplanes less than a decade after cars. All of a sudden we're in outer space. This man goes to outer space and he

comes back. And he lives. Success. Tell it, Ed. Completely a success. I love you're so passionate about this. I didn't know you were so passionate. That was intense. I love you're so passionate about this. I didn't know you were so passionate. That was intense. I know a lot about space.

I wish I cared about anything as much as you care about space. Being a guy who goes there. Eddie, you have a good point, though. You had the car invented and the plane, and now we have all these insane inventions in the past 100 years. You imagine what those aliens have out there if they were just around for a couple more hundred years than us. Henry, you'll be able to talk on this because we watched the same Dan Aykroyd

UFO. Oh man, did you watch that? I was going to watch that the other night. It's the funniest Dan Aykroyd's been since Blues Brothers. It's on Netflix. Watch it. It's amazing. Dan Aykroyd knows everything about UFOs. His point about it was the fact that if UFOs have been around for another hundred years past us. That's all it would take.

And then they would have the technology to come down here and do all the things. And give us the internet. Is that correct, Henry? Well, according to the Day After Roswell, the book by Gregory Corso. God. Jesus Christ, Henry. Corso. I believe that wireless internet was reverse engineered from what landed at Roswell.

And it's completely entirely true. That's science. That's just straight up science. Why would the aliens come down to Earth and then give us the technology that could theoretically help us defeat them in the next 60 years?

They probably caught one of them slipping and fucking murdered him with a rock. And took their shit. And now we got internet. Wow, Ed, you do love science. Absolutely. Can you imagine if we found a monkey with a computer what we'd do to that monkey

oh my god I wonder if this monkey likes it when I fuck it I wonder what kind of porn that monkey would look at but does he not think that they aren't creating their own form of technology that they're nothing without our forms of technology

the aliens interdimensional travel form of technology? That they're nothing without our forms of technology? The aliens? Yeah. Interdimensional travel. That didn't answer the question. They were telling us about interdimensional travel. It's the wormhole thing where they believe you could bend time in space. Oh, Donnie Darko? Yeah. Isn't the wormhole when you put your dick in a chick's

butt when she didn't want it? Yeah, that's rape. Yeah. Wormhole. I'm actually going to have to agree with you. That's it? Yeah, that's rape. Yeah. That's a good one. That's a good one. I'm not allowed to say rape more than once in every podcast. You talked about it getting done to your unborn children earlier.

Next week you got none. The thing is, you know, just this beautiful exchange of technologies that we have going on. If we look at StarCraft, we could take a moment and just see that, like, it all comes back to, like, each race, you know, they handle it differently. Like, for example, the Xel'Naga gave the Protoss all their technology, and they worship them as gods. We probably won't do that. You're just so attractive, Barclay. I know. I know this.

I understand. And so the Terrans were influenced by the Protoss. That's why they got their little bit of technology. So the the Terrans were influenced by the Protoss. That's why they got rid of the technology. Well, hold on. So the Xel'Nogs gave the Protoss the technology. The Protoss worshipped the Xel'Nogs. Yeah, yeah. But this is what happened, though.

This is where they fucked up. Interesting. You see, the Xel'Nog created the Zerg. And the Zerg came and destroyed the Xel'Nog. Oh, yeah? What the fuck is up with that? So now are they worshipping the Zerg, the Protoss? No, no.

The Zerg is fucking everything up. The thing is, right now they're thinking, Xel'Nog might be coming back, fusing with the Zerg, fucking pro-Nogs? No, no, the Zerg is fucking everything up. The thing is, right now they're thinking, Zell Noggin might be coming back, fusing with the Zerg, fucking everybody's shit up. This is the thing, is that Dan Aykroyd did not say a single word about that. So I don't know if that's true. I don't think that's how George Bush was elected, somehow. I mean, this is a ghostbuster.

This is a man who knows how to kill a ghost. This is one of the most trustworthy men in America. It's him and Barack Obama are the two people I enjoy the most. And only one of them made skull vodka. Imagine how strong you would feel murdering a ghost. That would be the greatest thrill ever. I mean, how do you do it? It seems very impossible.

You're not even a ghost anymore. What are you now? What are you? See, I have a different fantasy. I have a fantasy of a ghost making love to me. Oh, yeah. Finding me in a weird way, but it's like an ancestor. Yeah, but you're too ugly.

The ghost wouldn't be able to get hard for you. Yeah! You're ugly! It is interesting that it's a male ghost that you want to have sex with. So, yeah, what would you do to entice the ghost into, you know, entering your butt? Catnip? You'd be like, catnip? I think so.

Is that a thing that ghosts enjoy? I haven't read it in a book, but I just use kind of my own mind logic. I think things, and I put them to use. I'm a regular tool man too. Hey, hold it, man. You ever suck dick for money? Oh, Lord, no. God knows if they'd pay me.

I'm just glad I finally got to ask you. I just wish I was a woman so every time I suck dick, I could actually get paid for it. That would be pretty fantastic. That'd be nice. Oh, honey, you don't always get paid for it. Yeah, because she did it, Henry. Henry, Henry,

when your sister sucks dick, she gets paid and cum. Yeah, a lot of it. I believe Henry's been abducted. I'm broken. I'm a broken person. Oh, I'm ready to go from there. What would you do if you had a nice date with a ghost?

You took her out, maybe, or him out to a nice restaurant. How are you going to entice the ghost to really come and cuddle with you in your beautiful bed with your disgusting body? Well, I'd make my normal sex noises, which are just like... That sounds terrifying. The ghost would really like it, though. He'd be on home. And I'm not good at playing the violin, but I'll play the violin.

I'll play it all night long. You're going to play the violin for the ghost? Why? Because it sounds like the horrors of the damned. Could I tell you guys about the most horrifying dream I've ever had? Sure. Please, God.

I'm going to have to text all the time. All right. most horrifying dream I've ever had? Sure! Please, God! Alright. I have pretty... I have pretty vicious nightmares. And I had a dream the other night that was so bad that I couldn't... I would not go back to sleep. It wasn't even like I couldn't fall back to sleep. I felt myself going back to sleep and I didn't want to go because of what I saw.

I had a dream that was in 1950s kitchen. Uh-huh. Right? It's like very stereotypical. It was like a mother and father sitting in the kitchen, and I'm standing there, and I heard like, bing bong, like at the door.

And I saw very innocent enough it's big no it's not it seemed very fine it was bright colors it was fine and then I looked out the bay windows

there was a bay windows I looked out and has anyone seen Twilight Zone the movie yeah absolutely do you remember the rabbit

absolutely yeah terrifying yeah fucking it was a it was a woman it's got it's hard to Do you not remember the rabbit? Absolutely. Terrifying. It was a woman. It's hard to explain.

What I saw when I looked out the window was this woman who was smeared. Her face was dug into herself. And her arms kind of stuck out to the side and were twitching back and forth. And she's going, Help me, help me, help me, help me. I have very similar dreams all the time, but a completely different take on them. It's like this. So my first instinct was like, get the fuck out of here.

I started screaming at her. Get off! Get off! Get off! She's a dream woman. Well, no, because the next thing she started to do was opening up the belt of my pants and started reaching at my balls. Sort of like grabbing at my balls. Absolutely, yeah.

What else are you going to do? And then I beat it to death with a chair. You did not. So you beat this elderly woman who just wanted nothing but to keep you coming. She wasn't a fucking elderly woman. She was a disgusting fucking creature from the depths of my mind. She wasn't a fucking elderly woman. She was a disgusting fucking creature from the depths of my mind.

So you were defeating your own, like, your own fucked up sick head. Yeah, and I told this to Jared Logan, and he was like, you know you're everyone in your dreams, right? And I was like, oh! That is fucking disgusting. I would wake up in a puddle of anal blood every day if that was the truth. Oh, man. Oh, God. That's amazing. Everyone in your dreams. Is that? I suppose that blood every day if that was the truth. Oh, man. That's amazing.

I suppose that is true. It's all the subconscious. For some reason, I'm always my father. I did have one dream where I was sucking his dick, which I thought was pretty fascinating. Yeah, we covered that. I had sex with my brother in a dream. I have as well. I have as well. I'm dead serious.

That brother's brother? But now Don's part of the family, so sometimes I dream about him. That brother? Now I go into more trash. But now Don's part of the family, so sometimes I dream about him. Pretty much. He's a little bit older for me. So have you ever dreamt about Ben? Thank Christ. I read that that is normal. I read that that is normal.

I have never. I have never. I have never. I'm an only child, so I just dream about masturbating. That's a good point. I think we should do some questions. I think it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Come on, everyone.

Give him a hand. This segment is Q&A with the round table. What's happening? He spilled beer on me. I'm sorry. It was water from the top of the beer can. Shut your mouth. He's doing it. That's correct. I'll tell you what. Ask us anything. It's water from the top of the beer can. Shut your mouth. You're doing this. That's correct. I'll tell you what. Ask us anything.

It's your table now. It's part yours. Just raise your hand or stand up. So, yeah, as we do, Holden has a segment every time. And for this segment, he chose to have the audience participate. So, if you have any questions for the roundtable, ask him now. Anyone have anything they want to know about? Any person has a question.

Anyone with a question. Anybody at all. You guys all fucking came here at midnight. Were that alienating? Did we just lay it all on the table? I'll tell... I'll say anything. Do I see a hand?

Anybody? Brad Sternagel, do you have a question? Have you seen a UFO? Marcus says... Have you seen a hand? Anyway, Brad Sternagel, do you have a question? Have you seen a UFO? Marcus has. Have you seen a UFO? Yes. Marcus, tell us about the UFO experience. What was that like?

Did you realize the power of the Lord? I was in a cemetery, and I saw two lights, and they darted back and forth across the skies and then flew away. Well, if that's not definitive proof of alien life, I don't know what is. That's all I got. Yeah, fireflies. Yeah, fireflies are a thing. No, no, no. Fireflies do not exist in West Texas.

I mean, that's the thing. And it was way, way, way out there. Yeah, it was way up big. Yeah, it was way up big. Yeah, it was way up big. So what else do you think it could have been? Because I feel like most of these UFO sightings, they seem to be, and they could be anything, you know, when you make it up in your mind. I mean, do you think the fact that you were in a cemetery and trying to be all spooky

in your brain, do you think that contributed to the fact that you think you saw all these lights darting through the sky? Well, the fact that I was a bullshit goth kid and just spent most of the time hanging out in cemeteries staring at the sky might have had something to do with it. Did you have a woman with you or any friends or were you just a lot in a cemetery? You were by your...

Hold on. How often were you in a cemetery by yourself in the middle of the night? A lot. A lot. A lot. I just managed to walk around like Edgar Allan Poe with like a gigantic book and like a quill just you know where i can find some cats were you one of those fucking kids who had like a fucking chain in your pocket wore mascara

no no no never never went chain or never went mascara or anything. I had a wallet chain, but no face makeup. I think the wallet chain is worse. Yeah, exactly. I would have hated the shit out of you, man. Yeah, most people did. Although, I will say those Chinese people in Chinatown should probably adopt the wallet chain point of view there because there's a Vietnamese gal pickpocketing them all. I heard actually it would work out, but I heard China's actually out of Velcro.

That's a possibility. Is that true, Ed? I don't know. It would work out, but I heard China's actually out of Velcro. That's a possibility. Is that true, Ed? I don't know. It's possible, though. I'll tell you what. In high school, I drew a little face on the palm of my hand, and I would just spend all the time in the world with that little face.

Just kissing it? No, no. It wasn't romantic. We would just talk to each other. Jesus Christ. When did you start talking to your hand, Holden? When it started having a face. Are you being an asshole?

No, no, no. Stop sounding like an asshole. I will tell you when I'm being an asshole. You drew a face on your hand, and you would speak to it throughout the day? Yeah, because kids were freaked out by me because all I did was french fries for lunch. That's a great lunch. That's not a reason to be freaked out by anybody. Well, they were very, you know, it was a private

school. They were smart. Oh, they were healthy? Were they eating celery? Oh, then I want to let you know, you are why I hate New York. Like, I want to fucking, I want to hurt you. I want to beat you up For your past I don't like

It is bizarre So what kind of Conversations would you Have with your hand Face Your hand face Which girls like you Which girls like me

Did you find that The face On your hand Got more attention From girls than The face on your face I mean Cause I'd just be like Eee Like I'd fucking that the face on your hand got more attention from girls than the face on your face? I mean, because I'd just be like, eee! Like, I'd fucking show

the face to girls every now and then. And how old were you when you did this? Um, that would be, that would be, uh... 18, 19? No, we're freshman year. In high school? So you were a 15... I was bad at sports!

This is why children shouldn't be allowed to drive at 16, because one year previous... In high school? So you were a 15- I was bad at sports! This is why children shouldn't be allowed to drive at 16. Because one year previous- Holden used to dress up like a vampire and not hang out with anybody and live in a trunk. You see, now you'd just be like an Asperger's kid. Yeah. I avoided all the pills. My parents were, because they were neglectful. You know what? I know all these stories about Holden were, because they were neglectful. And you know what?

I know all these stories about Holden and how retarded his fucking life is. And then the other day someone was like, isn't Holden the hot part of Murder Fist? What? And I'm like, I'm so fucking mad! Who is that? How is he the dream heart of fucking Heartthrob of Murder Fist? Look at his neck. Look at his tiny eyes.

Now that everyone can see. Holden's the Heartthrob at Murder Fist. Look at his neck. Look at his tiny eyes. Now that everyone can see. If Holden saw a heartthrob at Murder Fist, I'm going to go fucking slice my dick off Whoever said that, I completely agree with it. And it's not a statement of Holden's beauty. It's a statement of how unbelievably hideously ugly all of Murder Fist is. I just didn't know I was that ugly.

I mean, yeah, Holden, you are the dreamboat of Murderfist. I'll give you that. Thank you. God, if you think his neck is bad, you should see his back. I saw him derobing earlier. Looked like a fucking bull. Took his shirt off.

Alright, so do we have any more questions from the audience? Any more questions? Over there. What is the weirdest thing you've ever seen on the New York subway system? All right, so do we have any more questions from the audience? Any more questions? All right, over there, over there. Jake Young. What is the weirdest thing you've ever seen on the New York subway system? What is the weirdest thing that you've ever seen on the New York subway system? Well, this one time, a guy jerked off at me, Henry Holden, and Tim. And I guarantee you, though, I guarantee you he was mostly jerking off at Holden.

Because Holden is so obviously the most attractive one. who is mostly jerking off at Holden. Because Holden is so obviously the most attractive one. I once went on the J train and I walked on the J train and these people ran past me. I looked to the right of me and there was a whole bunch of people

on this side and then I looked to the left of me and there was this middle-aged black woman with her dress all the way up showing her vagina going, my cheering, my cheering, my cheering, my cheering. That was very weird.

I love that story. I mean, there's always the acid attack guy staple. Always acid. My eyes. I saw this gangster ass kid who was trying to be all tough

but like tough and like funny messing with his friend and he was messing with his friend they're all laughing and they're dancing around jumping and shit and then a gun falls out of his pants and it just lands on the ground and he just looks around

and he picked up his gun gun put in his pants and got up at the next stop oh that is amazing i was jealous now i remember one time i was on j train it was just like me and like one other dude and this kid walks in he's all like what's up man y'all got jobs you're doing that pussy shit fuck that and he comes up comes up and he's like, you got to be selling drugs. Look at me right now. Look at how much money I made. And he pulls out his wallet and he starts trying to count his money in front of us. He just had like eight singles.

He just got sad and walked away. By the way, you want to have a crazy ass subway experience, take the J train. J train. Run it in and out of Brooklyn. Mine was actually on the J train. J train. It ended out of Brooklyn. Mine was actually on the J train. It's a train in which both me and Kevin live off of. It's a weird fucking train. I remember one time I was riding the J train

and I looked at the door that conjoins trains and there was four blatant bullet holes in it. It was just like oh my god those bullets went through a man's body and they dented that poor door i mean that's the thing you gotta feel worse for the subway a lot of people gotta work to fix that stuff up. I think the worst thing, I never saw it, but that one fella three days ago really fucked with my entire day schedule. Oh my god, he threw himself in the

way of the train. I'm just trying to get home, man. Eat a dick, kill yourself like a person. Do it somewhere else where we don't have to stop the fucking transit system. I remember one time back home. I mean, that's the thing. The man should just stay on the transit system, probably on the J train,

and just wait to get shot. That's a fantastic way of suicide by gun. I remember one time back in Florida. I'm stuck in traffic for two hours, and there's a dude who wants to throw himself over a overpass. And they're talking to him, and they're trying to talk him down. And I'm stuck there just waiting in my fucking car flipping out.

And I hear it on the news. And I'm just like, kill yourself. Do it. Jump it. Just kill yourself. Do something. All this fucking time. It's just like, why are you making us sit through this?

It's like, just do it. I mean, why is it when somebody is on the top of a roof, about to jump off of some building, that's when the city is finally concerned about their fucking life. You know, it's like the city doesn't give a shit about anything. You know, he probably wants to kill himself because the city no longer allowed his bodega to stay in business because they raised the

rent 5,000%. Now he's hanging out, though. He's being a total pussy. Just fucking get up there and jump. Well, that's what I'm saying. Don't jump where people... If you're going to kill yourself, anyone in the audience is depressed. If you're going to kill yourself... Fucking do it.

Don't do it where someone has to clean up your brains. Don't inconvenience any of us. Just kill yourself and let your life be over and that's the romantic part of it. Yeah, don't you just kill yourself and let your life be over and that's the romantic part of it. Don't kill yourself, don't jump off an overpass and then some poor

retarded schmuck has to mop you up off a I-95. Well, I mean, I think, but at the same time, it's about job creation and that person needs to do that. I think that, you know, if you're gonna jump, well, jump in the water, number one, because those people certainly don't get out of the boat long enough and, you know, they want to be away from the kids and the family.

So, you know, you want to go out there. And they're more than happy to, you know, scoop you up like a little sea turtle or something that was lost or perhaps a small dolphin. I would just do like four shots of heroin while listening to Dreamweaver. Ah, but roll. Jackie, what about you? You're done. It's over. How are you ending it?

I feel good. No, okay. What, with a crazy drain story? Or how am I going to fucking blow my brains out? How would you die? Well, apparently you're going to blow your brains out. No, no, no, man. Again, I just want it slow, man.

You know, because life is slow and painful. That's not how most people call it They say it's fast Live life to your fullest Yeah, man, no I would just do drugs until I'm dead I'd say get a I'd say get a professional football kicker

I'd put myself in one of those little things And they'd put the footballs on Just fucking kick my head right off my body Oh, that's kind of funny And then you also helped, you know The Miami Dolphins win the Super Bowl. Yeah, it's a thing. It'd be for like a, yeah, exactly. It'd be for the extra point.

Yeah, so you want your head to be a little football in the last kick of a Super Bowl. That's fun. I'm going to drown myself in my mother's bathtub. I have a feeling your mother's going to drown you in your mother's bathtub. That probably makes sense. I remember hearing a story when I was growing up about a suicide. And this is how I think my parents tried to teach me not to be gay.

When they said there was a fellow, and I have no idea where he was. He shoved a broomstick up his ass and he jumped off of his refrigerator. And then the broomstick went straight up as if he was some sort of scarecrow or something of that nature. That's amazing. And that's how he died. So, frankly, I don't want to be a ripoff. I hate to be a hack, but that's what I'm going to do. Because I feel like that's a beautiful way to go.

And then, of course, there is no brains to clean up. You're literally just standing there right outside of your refrigerator. Someone puts you over their shoulder and they pull you right out, roll you up in the carpet. Next thing you know. And the thing is, the bottom half of you is now a broom. You're still useful. Maybe this guy

just wanted to be an appliance in the Beast's home from Beauty and the Beast so badly. That's amazing. How about you, Kevin? How are you going

to kill yourself? Well, I mean, I've already talked about this, man. I can't die until I've hated hard enough that everybody else kills themselves. So this is where we're at.

Now, myself, I want to make cops kill me. Well, how are you going to do that part? I want to get to a point where I fuck up so bad that the cops have to kill me. I love that. Hail of bullets. Oh, hail of gunfire. KKK rally.

KKK rally with a fucking just going down and a hail of bullets taking as many of those fuckers with you oh yeah i i also hate would hate to be a hack but i would love to like if i could just be like in a way exploded into the sky you know like that would be awesome and just like how does that make you a hack by the way i've never actually heard the premise before. Sounds interesting. I just wanted to say my name in the sky, man. So you're going to spell your own name. You're an egomaniac.

Oh, it's like $400. It's going to get painted in the sky by one of those planes. Will you do that for me? No, I don't have $400. Oh, so you do. You got to buy a grand. Come on.

After I buy five more horror t-shirts, I want to get the Chucky series. I want to get the Hellraiser series. And then I'm going to buy my girlfriend something that she wants. I have no idea what it is because I'm a bad boyfriend. You don't get, you'll get something. Buy matching shirts.

Love matching shirts. Yeah. All right. Matching shirts. And then. Me get weed. Hold it. I'm going to buy you.

Ed gets weed. Ed gets weed. Okay. Ed, I'll buy you weed. Thank you. Yes. You're welcome. Hold it. I'm going to. Can I just, can'll buy you weed. Thank you. Yes, you're welcome. Holden, I'm going to... Can we just share a night?

Together. Yeah. Well, maybe after I kill myself with a broomstick, I'll become a ghost and you can court me and then you can fuck me. But until that happens, I don't think so. I'm going to buy you some... Probably that Vietnamese gal who robbed all the Chinese people for one hour. And you can do whatever you want with her. Because God knows, Asians age the best, and you won't notice she's 67 years young.

Not true. Get me a Haitian child as a social experiment. Jesus Christ, Kevin. How am I going to get a Haitian kid? I'm not Brad Pitt or Sean Penn. I mean, I'm not rich enough. I imagine they would be cheap. Yeah, they're giving them away.

Yeah, don't they talk and act like dinosaurs? That is true. All right, one more question. One more question. Oh, my goodness. Who's got one? Does anyone have one more question? Other than others?

Say something. Would you guys survive the zombie apocalypse? Would we survive the zombie apocalypse? Well, I'll tell you one thing. Holden would survive because they'd confuse him for one of them. He immediately looks like a zombie. I would feel fairly good. My approach, of course, I will say, number one, none of us are going to survive because we live in New York City.

And it's called the apocalypse. Well, but people have to survive the apocalypse. Yeah, where you got to be to survive it? I would say a boat. I would take a boat and I would go to the middle of the ocean. Zombies can't swim. Why, Ed? Zombies can't swim.

Man fucking... You're living on a boat! You're living on a boat in the ocean! What are you going to drink? Your resources are finite. You're fucking sitting in the sun all day. Bill Crosby? Crosby, Stills, and Nash?

What? Ben Crosby? What's the guy's name? David Crosby. Crosby stills in Nash. Ben Cron. What's the guy's name? David Crosby. David Crosby lived on a boat for three fucking years doing nothing but drugs. David Crosby is rich as shit. And that boat was awesome. Hey, in the zombie apocalypse, we're all rich.

It's like fucking Russia. David Crosby was living off of food from his mustache for the first year. Yeah, good one. I don't know. I mean, you get in a boat, you got your gun supplies, you got your food, you got your spams, your Hormel, your chili. I'll be living the dream. I'll be doing a tight ten every night in front of

the, in the foyer, and no one will be there, but it's like, oh, they can't boo me if they're not there. Well, you'd have all the zombies all chained up against the walls. You'd just be doing the tin for them. Well, that's the funny thing. Because I'm going to keep the zombies chained up, but I'm going to eat them. And I'm going to let those zombies fucking know, hey, you know

what also tastes good? Idiot! Idiot! As soon as you eat the zombie, you're going to turn into the zombie! You fucking retard! He'll be the first zombie that knows how to sail a boat. Yeah, exactly. In the middle of the fucking ocean.

Teach the other zombies. That's the thing. It's like, do you want to serve in heaven or hell? Yeah, you could go and teach the other fucking zombies how to sail boats. You do look like Christopher Columbus. I do have a bit of a Christopher Columbus type vibe. I agree.

And I think that I'm quite the explorer. I think I would do absolutely fantastic in the zombie apocalypse. You really like salted meats. So that's a plus. I think I'd last three years before I just let them consume me. Well, that would take them about three years. What? How would you survive?

You got burned! Alright, let's all agree it was a great fat joke about Ed being fat. How would you survive, Eddie? Oh, just by straight will and killing. I would love to... I just want to kill.

And if there's just a bunch of dead humans, they're already dead, but they're walking around. It's like Times Square. And I get to kill them. Yeah. I just like some kind of bladed body armor. So you're going to have a bladed body armor,

so you're just going to run through the masses. So I can spin around and just fucking slouch them off. Sounds like you're going to go back to having no friends again. Do all those spins I used to do in high school. See, I would take a perverse pleasure to find like one that's all dressed up as a cop that like used to be a cop. Or like one that was just like Cuomo, like the governor, like a Cuomo zombie, like killing him. That'd be pretty pleasurable. Now your dad's a cop, right, Henry?

I'm just saying that there is. I love my father and I do not want... I don't want to... I'm gonna tell dad on you. Dad, you're gonna push me. So, James, you asked that question, right? Yeah. Alright, so, if you... If a dude fucks a zombie, does he become

a zombie? I think so. Do you think so? I don't know if that's true, because that's how I get by. Bodily fluid transfer. Zombies don't come anymore. They don't come. Yes, but I'm giving the zombie my cup. And so... What if that fixes the zombies?

What if you start fucking zombies and turn them back into... I just... Would you fuck all the zombies in the world? That means you have to fuck a lot of skinless fucked up people but man would you do it are you gonna before this is gonna be a fucking this is a porno this is a porno pilot that is all that is mother theresa of cock and balls in ethiopia i just love the fact the first time you ever want to have a child is when it's gonna be a zombie

baby you're like that's what i'm thinking about if you're really being a father. Oh, yeah. I want to... Imagine a half-dead baby. Like a little... You wouldn't know until it was three. And then... Right, right. It's similar to autism. Being half-dead

is like you're autistic. All right, we got to wrap up this fucking fantastic experiment. This has been The Roundtable, gentlemen. Thank you guys so much for sitting in. Marcus Parks with the news. Thanks, buddy.

Eddie Larson. Jackie Zabrowski. Fantastic. Kevin Barnett. Old McNeely. I'm Ben Kissel. I want to thank... What is your name?

Henry Zabrowski for being in the juggalette. We'll see you next week. I'm loving it. Yay! Goodbye, everybody. Thank you so much for coming out. I'm pissed. Thank you.

Thank you. I'm going to pee pee so I get huge.