The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 38: Icelandic Hee-Haw Nonsense

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Whaling! The greatest hunt of all comes to the Round Table this week as we welcome special guest Ragnar Egilsson to dispel every single preconception you’ve ever had about Iceland. As far as the Table goes, Holden lords his most attractive member of Murderfist distinction over everyone, Ben tries to recover from a massively hallucinogenic weekend, Jackie gets stuck in a weird day-time talk show that only she is a part of, and Ed believes the Chinese have access to time travel.

Who's on prayer? Who's praying? Ragnar! You want to say a prayer? Say a prayer? Yeah, yeah. Something to your Icelandic lord? Yeah, yeah.

You can pray to your Icelandic people. The trolls. Your fairies. I've been on the Epcot Center. Yeah, I've been on that ride. Pray. Pray. Odin, the one-eyed god, the poet warrior, I ask you to overlook this beautiful congregation of comedians

and lead us into battle. Amen. I was just agreeing. I wasn't trying to end. Yeah. Amen. Yeah. Hey. I was just agreeing. I wasn't trying to end your prayer. I was just getting into it. What was the name of the lord that you prayed to with the old one eye? Odin. Odin.

Odin. Is that a popular Icelandic god? I know a couple of people called Odin. It's a common name over there. One of my favorite summons is in Final Fantasy VII. The Odins? Greg Odin. He's a big piece of shit. Greg Odin, yeah he is.

Welcome to the Roundtable, gentlemen. The greatest podcast you'll ever listen to and you are happy. You are the happiest person in the world right now. What is happening? Someone ate too much fucking hallucinogenics over the weekend.

And mushrooms. Who is on this podcast? Tell me, because I literally can't remember. Jack Zabrowski, yummy yum. I like that new one. Ed Larson. Oh, 2011's most attractive member of Murder Fist, Holden McNeely. Oh, my God. But you look like Steve Buscemi.

Yeah, you look particularly awful today. What's going on? I can't hear you. I'm too busy eating that fucking pussy, dude. Because all the bitches are like, oh, where's the nose? I slept over Holden's house last night. That's right.

Oh my god. Yeah, and it was me the night before. Eating a lot of butt, and I'm Ben Kissel in the Chuckle Hut. We got the beautiful John Neffel. Hello, everybody. The lovely Molly Neffel. I'm a little bit upset that I

didn't get the adjective beautiful, but... Well, you know, I always enjoy femininity. So I went with John. The very busty Henry Zebrowski. Thanks for being here, buddy. And sitting in for Kevin Barnett, the complete opposite, Ragnar Eriksson? Eilson.

Eilson. Ragnar, thank you for being here, buddy. Thank you for introducing me. Straight from Iceland. And with us, as always, Marcus Parks, the newsman. Marcus, Marcus, what do you got for us, buddy? Researchers have found the first known gay caveman. Yay!

There you go. Do you have a huge asshole? I'm interested. How did they deduce that this fellow was a gay caveman? Archaeological team members based their conclusion on the fact that the male body was interred in a ritualistic way reserved for females. Was it just on its knees with its mouth wide open or something?

How did they used to bury women as opposed to men? And I think if there is one thing that we don't need any sort of gender qualification for, it's burial. But it was, they were cavemen. They weren't progressive back then. It was like, you can't expect them, you can't ascribe,

you know, 1960s feminist values to the cavemen then. Yeah, and I bet he had pretty limp wrists. Yeah, he was brought up

with that. Good job, Jackie. Yeah. I mean, I just imagine him choreographing the cavemen play

every year. What would that be called? It's just called Was he buried with another man? Is that what it is? What it is is that men at the time were buried facing west

surrounded by weapons and tools and women were buried with their head pointing east surrounded by domestic jugs. So the two guys... That sounds amazing. That's amazing. I love the term domestic jug.

They weren't the working jugs. These are the jugs for home, not for the field. I'll tell you what, if I ever get buried, I don't want to be buried with a lover. I want to be buried with a bird. That'll be nice, Holden. Well, I just think that that's really the proper way to do it. You're going to be buried with domestic jugs. Of course you will be. Yeah, big pair of domestic roundies.

I love it. I mean, I think it's interesting, though. So they must have accepted him for his sexuality. If they give him a proper burial, did it with the jugs. Because you would imagine he would have a father who was just like, my son will be buried like a man. Or with his head completely patched open? Perhaps it was a hate crime.

Was this in ancient Staten Island? This was outside Prague. You get like, in the caveman time, you get like the guy would drag the woman into the cave by the hair, right? So there were like two guys dragging each other into the cave. How did this work? I don't know. They say that it's what could be described as a transsexual or a third gender grave.

He could have been a man who dressed up like a woman. Or he could have been buried by an idiot. That's true, too. Yeah, just buried that. The son's going down. He's like, hey, look, it's morning. That's West. Perhaps it was a diss of a burial. It could have been. Yeah's like, hey, look, it's morning. That's West. Perhaps it was a diss of a

burial. It could have been. They could have been playing him down. We can bury you like a woman. It's pretty mean. How could he be dressed like a lady? Wasn't everyone just naked? Everyone was probably having so much

sex with each other. I imagine there's a lot of gay sex going on, too. I don't even know it. I imagine there's a lot of gay sex going on, too. Yeah. I don't even know it. I mean, it would be very difficult to tell the difference between a man and a woman when it comes to the caveman era. They're all bearded. Very, very, you know, disgusting, burly people. It was like a

petrified miniskirt with them. Oh, I see. This is 2900 BC. So not that long ago. Like, I mean, they were on their way to some, you know, societal type things. They were on their way to agriculture. He was the inventor of clogs.

I mean, he must have made some unbelievable rat butthole or whatever they ate back then in order to be gay and allow a man to stay in the kitchen. I mean, he probably lived a nice, healthy life. He probably lived until 60. I think he's one of the smartest cavemen ever to exist. Why would he go out to the fields when he can just, you know, hang out with domestic jugs? He was the first con man, caveman.

What if he was banging all the ladies while the dudes were out hunting? That's true. What if he was a Don Juan caveman? It's a good point. I mean, really, it's just pretty much the premise for Juana Man. Mixed in caveman time politics. I mean, back then, back then all you had to do was tuck behind the legs,

you know, and you're good to go. Give a little tuck. Did they name this fellow anything or anything like that? No, they haven't given him any kind of name. Gary. Yeah, Howard. Howard the caveman. Is Gary the gayest name or is Howard the kind of name. Gary. Yeah, Howard. Howard the Gay Panther.

Is Gary the gayest name or is Howard the gayest name? Bruce. Bruce? Bruce Springsteen. Yeah, yeah. Bruce. Bruce Springsteen. Everyone knows Bruce is the gayest name.

No, no, no. Lance. Lance is the gayest name. I don't know. I would go with Bruce because the way men talk about Bruce Springsteen, every time I hear him talk, I'm like, you're gay. This is how much you love the men. But Bruce Willis!

All of New Jersey just shut this podcast off. They don't have the internet. According to Steel Magnolias, the gayest names are Mark, Rick, or Steve. Yeah. And they all have track lighting. Henry and I can quote all of Steel Magnolias. We'll call them Rark.

Rick and Mark. Well, moving on to about 500 B.C., when Egypt's ancient dog catacombs were fully excavated for the first time in 2010, Egyptians had dog catacombs. They found 8 million animal mummies. Dog mummies. They buried them better than they buried that poor gay. Pretty sad.

What they would do is they would have puppy mills and the puppies would be born and they would immediately kill them and mummify them and just throw them in the cave. Just to practice how to mummy. That's good. They're good at what they did. That was the job for the interns.

I always thought the Egyptians were like cat people is that yeah that's the weird yeah that's the way they usually are cat people it's tough to be a dog back then i'll tell you i'm sorry it's tough to be anything egypt was rough living. Oh, yeah, man. Those puppies had it best. They did. So they were just born and then immediately murdered or mummified. And maybe they give them to, like, kids as, like, stuffed animals, like what we have now. Like pinatas. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is that just puppy guts? Happy birthday. Oh, puppy guts. Like, ripping them out, like, playing with him like streamers. He's still got the blindfold on. What is this? Was there a puppy Moses leading the Jewish puppies out of the desert?

Not that they lost. They got about ten feet, man. But wasn't being mummified a nice thing for people to do to Egyptians back then? That meant you were wealthy and successful, right? Because not everyone was mummified like a nice thing for people to do to Egyptians back then? That meant you were wealthy and successful, right? Because not everyone was mummified.

They were mostly buried. You did pharaohs and stuff like that. And whenever the pharaohs died, they would do a lot of times and also kill all of their servants. Yeah. And mummify their servants as well. Well, that's a rough day. Very, very. It was a rough day at the office.

So they could serve them in the afterlife. I know of a friend of mine who works for a hedge fund person. The guy, his wife found out he was cheating on her, and then he tried to fire his nanny, and then his personal cook, nanny, tutor, his entire staff quit in solidarity. So in one week he lost his wife and all of his staff. And that's like the modern day equivalent.

It is the modern day. They should have a little history lesson and realize they should be happy to be alive. He just sounds like the most free man on the planet now, though. Do whatever you want. Yeah, and he still has like a jillion dollars. Because that's the point, isn't it? So like build yourself up so you get to the point where you can just be that insane person in a mansion that's just like, it's your playground

and you just fuck it up at will. You just shoot out windows because it's window shooting Tuesday. That's your shit. People come in and it's all creepy and you're in some random room in the house skinning a poor

animal. Well, what they said, the reason why that they killed seven pounds of water. Chaos reigns! The reason why they killed the dogs is because they believed that the spirit of a mummified dog could transport prayers

into the afterlife where they could be heard by the canine-headed god Anubis. Oh, that's wrong. That's all right. That's a belief you call a swing and a miss. We've got to flush that idea out a little bit more. It really sounds like the Egyptian religion, they were just making it up off the top of their fucking heads.

They were singing a song, and they're just like, oh, there's a frog god now. His name's Jerbjip. And it controls afternoons and vacation days. But we gotta kill girls to keep them alive. Yeah, you have to kill little girls to keep them alive. Only the ugly ones. One of the Egyptian's dads was just like, I'm fucking sick of explaining shit to my life. Only the ugly ones. One of the Egyptians' dads was just like, I'm fucking sick of explaining

shit to my kids. That's where lightning comes from. Blip bloop. Good, did it. Blip bloop. Yeah, that one's not acceptable. I don't know. The Egyptian, hi, my name's blip bloop.

My father's a mummy now I'm the ancient god of calculators They said that the mummified dogs Were piled on average a meter high That's only three feet of dog Yeah but they're tiny dogs though I imagine they're fairly thin No they're dogs of all shapes and sizes Yeah but they were all pretty, though. I imagine they're fairly thin. No, they're dogs of all shapes and sizes.

Yeah, but they were all pretty young, right? Yeah, they were all puppies. But honestly, if you think about it, what are they going to fucking do with dogs? Like, you can't fucking afford to feed them. What are you going to take them for a walk? No. Might as well be fucking dead. That's a good point. Sounds like the ancient ancestors of Michael Vick.

That sounds like the ancient ancestors of Michael Vick. As a European, I just want to add that the meter is traditionally measured in three and a half puppies. That's the... Thank you. The Latin root for meter is puppy. What are they planning on doing with all these new mummified puppies? I don't know if they're planning on... I mean, they're excavating it, so I'd imagine they're cataloging all of them right now. Powder them so we can snort them.

I'd like one. I got 20 on one of them. I'd like to have one in my house. That'd be awesome. A little puppy mummy. Is 20 the most you would pay? I'd 30. I'd go 30.

You already had a dog, and you'd keep pointing to it and be like, you better fucking behave yourself, dog. You're gonna be just like this one. It haunts it every night. Shana comes alive, but I can't see it because I'm not a dog. I just don't understand. So they thought that these dogs were going to die and then be able to send messages to Anubis, the dog beast animal that they would worship.

But it's like, wouldn't they have to ask the dead dog to send a message to Anubis in the first place? Why not just go right to the source? I mean, none of it's real. Well, because Anubis would not answer the Anubis only talks to dogs. Little dogs? I don't know. I'm not a scholar. How would the dog understand the person in the first place to even relay the message to Anubis?

You have to stab the message into it by little taps. Like, uh... Right. A lot of you have to stab the message into it by little taps. A lot of flawed logic here. Those Egyptians did a lot. If Anubis, the dog god, can't understand human talk, he's a fucking god. Like, he's a dog, but he's also a god.

He should be able to communicate. Yeah, and it's like, how do we ever know what the hell he was saying if he doesn't speak human? Well, I don't think all Egyptians had all their wishes come true, so I don't think it matters at the end. No, I mean, they're not really around in that form anymore. Yeah, they're barely around. Yeah, I don't even... We're going to be dead very soon.

But speaking of animals, Marcus, you said earlier that you wanted to talk to Ragnar and Molly about... Ragnar, evidently you're a big fan of whaling. Huge fan. And this is an Icelandic tradition where you go around and you got a little mallet and you hang out with your girlfriend and you say, hey baby, look at this. And then she gets all damp

and you get a large stick and then you hit a whale on the head and then you kill it. Yes, that's correct. I see you're well informed on the subject. Thank you, buddy. And then you immediately get a blowjob afterwards? Is that the situation?

Before or after, really, it's up to you. Whether you cook it or afterwards. Do you use it for oil? Sorry? Oil. Yeah, we use whale oil to lubricate. I mean, they don't call it a humpback whale for nothing. That's a good point.

Best joke ever said in the podcast. You know what? I learned once, Ragnar, tell me if I'm wrong, that the best oil in the whale is in the whale's brain. I have no idea what you're talking about. The most potent oil for lamps and shit, apparently. They have the thing they use for perfume. That's what's it called?

Ambergris. Yeah, that's the one. I don't know why that well you cut do you come from whaling stock in my family i got fishermen but no whalers so go through this i'm from wisconsin people used to go and they would hunt deer and it would be this big what to do they'd wake up at 4 30 in the morning they would literally rub themselves in deer urine yeah as to fit in with the with the disgusting animal they're hunting and uh so there would be like this large all day what to do. So what's like a typical day? Is it a whaling

season? Do you guys go out early in the morning and have it all planned out or is it just more like I'm going to go kill a whale today? It's more like you know you just if you're in the mood like you've been having a rough day you just you get it take it out on the whale. How big of a boat do you have?

Do you go up by yourself? Just floaties, you know? How big are these whales, though? Floaties and a toothbrush, a sharp-edged toothbrush. We do it like shanking style. Isn't it whale prison? Just like, gate off, parts of the ocean, all the whale child molesters. You go and you euthanize them.

Exactly. All the whalers. So that's the thing. So you literally have gone whale. And this is something that's very popular in Iceland. I would assume there's a lot of whales around. I ate whale about, what, three, four weeks ago, I think so. You just ate it?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's kind of fun. Is it good? Eh, it tastes like chicken. I don't know. It tastes like chicken at the sea. Was that tuna? That's tuna. Oh, it's tuna. It's pretty good. Is it good? It tastes like chicken. I don't know. It tastes like chicken at the sea. Was that tuna? That's tuna.

It's a mammal. I mean, mammals usually don't taste like chicken. It's got to be meatier, right? Yeah, it's something like beef, but it's got a little bit of an ocean flavor to it. I don't know what to say. That makes sense. Can you imagine if every time that you've ever ate a tuna sandwich, just imagine that you were eating a whale sandwich instead?

How weird would you feel about that? It's kind of amazing. There's so much more meat on a whale than there is on a tuna. Why not do it? There's not that much more. I'm sure plenty of these whales got caught in the old nets and got sliced up and we ate plenty of them too.

I mean, I think it's fine. If it's fairly meaty, kind of an oceany taste, you know, I can't afford lobster. If I can afford a whale, I think it's fine. If it's fairly meaty, kind of an ocean-y taste. I can't afford lobster. If I can afford a whale, I'd fucking eat it. I think whale is going to be more expensive than lobster, isn't it? We've got an offer, though. Every three whales you buy, you get a little plastic thing of whale tears to bask in.

So that's kind of like the deer urine. So you rub the whale tears all over your body before you go out and you hunt them. They don't smell you around. the deer urine. So you rub the whale tears all over your body before you go out and you hunt them. You're clubbing whales and then are you using them afterwards? You just like knock them on the head and then sailing away? I will say you can't exactly put it over your shoulder and take it home. No, you just take the bits

that you want, you know, like the whale tears. So literally you have done this. You've gone whaling. I have actually, no, I'm lying to you now. I know some whalers. I've never actually been out. What do they do? Because I'm interested to know

how the fuck do you kill a whale? It's like 10,000 pounds. You stab it in the brain with a spear. And a harpoon. But it must be hard to even penetrate the brain because it's all full of blubber.

You have a gun. You've got a spear. It's like an explosive harpoon. That's the thing. It goes in and then it blows it up from the inside. Oh, yeah. It shreds. It's like a bullet. It's an explosive heart. And that's the thing. It goes in and then it like blows it up from the inside. It's, it's a. Oh yeah.

It shreds. It shreds like a bullet. It goes in and just, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to kill all the brain. How do you know, Ed? I love to kill. How do you know, Ed? I'm a sociopath.

I imagine, I imagine that's fairly humane though,, I mean, in the ways of whaling, not saying that whaling is exactly humane, but like... It's not exactly humane. It's the exact opposite. But I mean, it stops it, though. It fucking kills them immediately, though, right? You're assuming that they're firing into the head.

They're firing into the fluke. That's the little thing that comes out. Oh, they don't put it in the head? Oh, no, they just let it bleed out. I mean, you could try, but... Oh, I didn't know that. I thought it was like, it explode their brain. No, it is. I'm just messing with you. Oh, you're an put it in the head? Oh, no, they just let it bleed out. I mean, you could try, but... Oh, I didn't know that. I thought it was like explode their brain. No, it is.

I'm just messing with you. Oh, you're an asshole. God damn it. No, I wouldn't... It doesn't always get in the brain. Sometimes you miss and it gets in the side. Yeah, stab it again until it's dead. But if someone was like, pick the most humane way that you want to die, I wouldn't be like,

explode my brain from the inside with a harpoon. I mean, I'm not going to give the whale cyanide. Yeah, but you would never see it coming, though. I would be fine with that. I would rather not know than slowly die and be like, why did you stab me? I'd be out. The real question is, am I tripping balls or am I not?

Because if I'm tripping balls, I want to explode my brain from the inside. But if not, then just slowly stab me with a pencil. See, if I was a whale, I would like to die from the inside. But if not, then just slowly stab me with a pencil. If I was a whale, I would like to die peacefully sleeping in a giant whale rocking chair. That would be wonderful. Surrounded by my whale children singing our whale

songs together. Because that's what they do. Whales sing. They sing and they talk. They think. It's like if a lobster was like, Hey, hi, hey, I love you. And they hope and they dream. You wouldn't eat them as hard

as you do. After you kill a whale and you get it and you grab it, how do you bring it back to shore and start to cut it up and use it for what it's good for? You tie it to your boat. And then you just drag it behind the boat? Yeah, I believe so, yeah. Absolutely. I've actually,

when I was a kid, I remember going to where they were, I don't know, field dressing? What do you call that? Yeah, field dressing. Field dressing the animal. And yeah, it's a messed up sight to see because they have these long scimitars on these extended holes.

The hooks, man. The hooks they have on those. It's a messed up thing to see. Oh, yeah. They tear them up. They tear them up good. That's like a major economy over there? Ed's smiling.

Yeah, Ed's never been happier. It's like, finally, something I know about! Yeah. You don't even know anything about it. You just love the premise of it. You just enjoy the whole idea. It sounds like a Wisconsin funeral.

I guarantee you. Iceland and Wisconsin is very, very similar. If there was whales in Wisconsin, they would be hunted, and it would be very, very beautiful and bloody. Well, they're mostly at the target. Yeah, that's true. The people are the whales. As a matter of fact, you might be very confused over there,

Ragnar, if you went to Wisconsin. You'd be like, should I blow up all of these people's brains? I don't even know what to do here. I left Iceland to avoid this sort of hee-haw nonsense. Hee-haw. Oh, man.

We lost Ben. I'm done. I just took acid at four in the morning on Friday night, and then I listened to seven episodes of The Roundtable. Jackie, I am in love with you. That is my official stance. You told me that yesterday as you said, you want to do mushrooms? I was like, yeah.

Yeah, and then we just did mushrooms. Big, fat, trippy weekend. Oh, yeah, man. Kind of fun. How was last night? When we got back to your place, you weren't there. Where'd you run off to? I went to my girlfriend's house to cuddle in a sweet bosom because I was a whale.

You were freaking out? And my brain had exploded. And I was like, there is no oil in me. Leave me, please, alone now. And they were speaking some disgusting Icelandic tongue. And it made everything peaceful when I fucking took all those mushrooms. God, man, you're fucking crying, bro. Yeah, yeah.

Your brain is gone. It's over with. Molly, you're a vegetarian and a vegan, right? Those are two different things, but I'm the first one. I'm glad you're not a vegan, though, by the way. Man, it's too much. It's too much. It's too much. It's a sad way of life.

I was so sad and hungry when I was a vegan. I was always hungry. You never know a strong vegan. They just don't exist. They're all weak. You never see a vegan shot putter. I cried a lot more when I was a vegan. I can only account

for that kind of lack of protein. Which one can eat the whale? Is that the vegetarian or the vegan? Because whale is technically a fruit. That's what I was taught. I can't eat whale eggs, but I can eat them. The problem with whale eggs

is you've got to reach in there and get them. It's always the messiest of processes. I can eat. The problem with whale eggs is you've got to reach in there and get them. Oh, yeah. It's always the messiest of processes. Yeah, out of the whale's footh, which is a tricky, tricky place to navigate. That's what the whales are called. I mean, that is the thing, though. A lot of vegetarians claim that fish isn't meat. So I would assume that you could eat whale, technically, if you're one of those sort of vegetarians.

Yeah, whale's a mammal. So it's not a fish? It whale, technically, if you're one of those sort of vegans. Whale's a mammal. So it's not a fish? That's a pescatarian, though. I eat, like, I technically eat fish, but the thing is, I'm poor, so the actual, like, my weekly or monthly fish intake is, like, zero. But, like, if I'm out

to dinner and somebody who has money is buying me food, like, I might eat fish. Hell yeah yeah go on those dates girl that's so much more bizarre though because he fished in tonight fisherman someone who's just got fish available at his house man fishermen have strong ass arms yeah thick legs and big heads big cocks and tiny asses. Covered in whale blubbers.

It sounds great. I would totally date a fisherman. Hooks on every wall. Live on a boat. Would you, without Molly, date a guy with a hook for a hand? He could get fishies. How attractive are we talking? Like Holden.

Yeah, my level of attractiveness. Let's say that he's the most attractive member of the ugliest sketch group in New York City. Sleep with Semmy. I'm the most attractive member of Murderfist, so. That is so extremely debatable. It just depends on the woman. I think the person who said that must have been like 70 years old

and looked like a version of her husband that died years and years ago. She got married at two. Covered with a thick sheet of oil from the factory that he worked at. Classically beautiful is what you're saying. It's like a classic thing.

I'm about to just start doing a song and dance number at every moment. But I'm not gonna. I'm gonna fucking be like, oh, I'm gonna call you, and then I'm gonna fucking don't call you. I don't give a shit about that. Yeah, exactly. I'm too busy singing and dancing. So that kind of thing. Hook for a hand, though.

Just ask me if I'll date Holden if he had a hook for a hand. And like, like, maybe some scales and weird parts of my back. No, he already has gills. Please don't. If we're talking gills and a hook, he's going to have to be, like, real hot. Yeah. Yeah, not Holden.

I'm not saying anything against Holden, but I'm talking, like, like... Kissel hot. Ben Kissel. Yeah, pretty good. I was going to say, like, James Franco hot. Like, you'd have to be, like... Oh,sel hot. Ben Kissel. I was going to say like James Franco hot. Yeah, James Franco! I'm not trying to be all

girly here, but if we're talking scales and a hook for a hand, you've got to make that up with your face. And you've got a bad face. Why is it bad? I'm not saying. I did not say Holden had a bad face. Thanks a lot, Molly. I feel like James Franco is very attractive

because he doesn't have a hook for a hand or a scale. Fuck Holden's face, man. It's gross. It has nothing to do with Holden. No, it's fine. It's the hook. So, Molly, do you think you could date a whaler? Somebody who goes out

and murders the animals that you so much love and want to fuck? But he looks like James Franco. But he looks like James Franco. I would date, like,

I mean, I'll date people who eat meat and I date people who hunt. I don't think I would love to date a whaler. I don't think that's

especially an admirable profession. Female- date a whaler. I don't think that's especially an admirable profession. Female-seeking whaler. I imagine if he was a whaler, for the most part, I imagine he'd use most of the whale. I feel like if you were an actual whaler, you're not just hitting a whale for fun, which that's fine. It's fun, yeah. It's fun.

But if you're using... I mean, you're... They don't have baseballs over there. I would which that's fine. Yeah, it's fine. They don't have baseballs over there. I wouldn't fuck somebody who just went out on the boat and just killed whales and then, you know. Well, he'd end up killing you. He's a whale mass murderer. He's just trying to wait for it to spread to humans.

I don't want to do that. I'm sorry. Generally, I like to date people who like living things rather than kill them, but that's just me. What if he mummified the whale? No, that's a deal breaker. Yeah, overall, people in Iceland, and they use all of the whale as a big cuisine over there? Well, that's the thing.

You can't use all the whales. So there are huge mounds of flesh that you've got to do something with. And that's actually a problem in the whaling industry. Piles and piles of eyes. Wait, why can't you use it, though? Why can't you use it? You can't really use it as little fake pussies. The organ?

Yeah, little whale pussy organs? Yeah, little pussies. I think that whalers are probably already doing that. You think they're fucking... No, but that's just for them. That's just for them for the boats. They don't mass market them.

I don't know that for a fact. I don't know. I've heard stories, but... Have you seen their wives? But they use the blubber, though, don't they? Aren't there, like, blubber lotions?

I use blubber as a lotion. Blubber lotion? What is that? Is it a chicken wing that you rub all over your body? Well, definitely. Up inside of my body. It was okay.

Wing, wing, hello. Wing, wing. Jackie, you are just a fuck. I love it. Jackie's just in this weird daytime talk show when we're doing the round table that no one else is in. round table that like no one else is in so yeah so in iceland it's a very accepted tradition because here i think whaling is pretty controversial up there with a you know shark fin soup and stuff like that no one likes the idea of them being dead but in iceland it's very common well the way i see it i mean we brought whaling to the world well i guess us and the Japanese, and you gave us KFC.

So, you know, like, I don't know, I think it evens out. It's perfect. Yeah, it's true. We did make American Idol. Oh, God bless American Idol. There's Icelandic Idol, too, isn't there? Yeah, we do have that, actually. Oh, my God, what is that competition like?

It's a whaling competition. We're just like a 13-year-old girl eating a sandwich. She's like, she won. She looks so happy. Speaking of which, Ragnar here has gotten into quite a bit of trouble over talking about celebrities in Iceland. Yeah, Ragnar, you run a magazine in Iceland. What's it called? I don't run a magazine, but I was writing an article for a magazine in Iceland.

What's the name of the magazine? Reykjavik Grapevine. Never heard of it. Well, that makes sense. a magazine, but I was writing an article for a magazine in Iceland. What's the name of the magazine? Reykjavik Grapevine. Never heard of it. That's because you're uneducated. Reykjavik Grapevine. So, yeah, it was like a week long, maybe a ten day controversy, something around that.

And very typically Icelandic in the sense that it was over nothing and it blew way out of proportion. So what happened? You wrote an article about the celebrities of Iceland, which I can't imagine who the fuck they are. Yeah, that's the thing. That was what I... Blisteringly ignorant.

No, that's exactly the point. I was writing about these manufactured small town celebrities. You have to remember, Iceland is a nation of what? 330,000, 40,000 people? So it's just like Wendy who sung karaoke on Wednesday is now the biggest celebrity in Iceland. Exactly. They're trying to make these people... The thing is, in Iceland, it's really weird.

One of the people, all he has done, he's a convicted felon. He hasn't really done anything beyond that. He's popular, though. He's a popular convicted felon. He's got a nice smile. He's got a convicted felon. And he's got a nice smile. He's got a lovely smile. And a head shaped like a pinhead. So, you know, the old school carnival ones.

I love that guy. Wait, what was he a felon for? He's, what do you call him, like a goon? He's the guy who collects, like, debts. Oh, that's not that bad. He just breaks your knees. He's not that bad. Loan sharking, racketeering, that kind of deal.

Exactly. Nice guy. Good for him. So you wrote a work. I wrote an article, just like a short throwaway comedy article about it. And in the week that followed, one of the people took offense to it. And because we have media that is eager to steer attention from all the horrible things that are happening back home economically, they just blew it way out of proportion.

I was getting death threats and God knows what. Oh, that's great. Is that why you're back in America? Sorry? Yeah. No, I was like, you know, I got these biker guys trying to join me on Facebook, like sending me a message by joining me on Facebook. Whose profile pictures of them stabbing a puppy or something.

That's amazing. So would you like to tell the audience where you live? I'm from... You almost got me. Almost. So what was your favorite death threat? How do you... I mean, I've never written a death threat.

John, if you were going to send somebody a death threat, what are you going to tell them if they wrote a terrible news article about Lady Gaga and you love that terrible woman? I'd say, look, you... You think you're love that terrible woman. I'd say look you you think you're so great you're not. But yeah you tell them oh I do think I'm so great

oh but I'm not. Okay. Man you're harsh. Oh well if I'm writing a death threat I'm going to start with the big guns. You're not great. You're fine. Some people like you. So what were what did they say? Oh, it was just like, the last thing I heard, actually, and I think this has died down,

there was a guy who came storming down to the offices of the newspaper asking for my phone number because he was going to try to hunt me down. Jesus. You have to keep in mind that the two of the people I was talking about, basically their only claim to fame is being felons. Yeah. You've got some felonious friends. That's great, man.

Good for you. He's going to call you to death. Well, and the thing that we were claiming was that I was picking on them. And I think that's kind of funny, seeing as it was me alone against five people, two of them very thoroughly capable of beating the shit out of me. Yeah. Well, you've had friends that have gotten the shit beat out of them for writing a bad review about a band, right? Oh, I get people chased out of bars for writing a bad review

about some Lispen indie band. That's how Iceland is? You just are always held accountable for everything you write? No criticism is acceptable there. Just if you criticize anyone, you're going to get a headhunter. Having a go? Yeah, the bars can get pretty nasty. That's great.

Ed is all over that. It's a brawling country. It's a brawling country, but at the same time, it seems like the most sensitive country on Earth. I mean, if nobody can take any sort of criticism whatsoever, I guess that's why you get big muscles, so you just pound the person in the face as opposed to like a big brain, and you know, try to win them in the conversation of wits.

Oh, I love me a fight of wits. I love me of wits. Oh, I love me a fight of wits. I love me one of those. I'm gonna win me a fight of wits. The man is mightier than the sword. Yes. You look like a tomfool. That's how I win most of my battles of wits. You have a half-farthing of sense,

Mr. Davenport. I have farthing meat in my Mr. Davenport. I have farthing. Meet in my boat tomorrow for a duel. I wish. Could you imagine if we were still in those days where you could straight up just challenge someone for a duel? I'd be so dead by now. I'd be so dead if you had that still.

If you're pissed at someone, the way you solve it is meet me for a duel. We'll shoot a gun at each other. You have no choice. Most comics would be dead. Is there a comedy scene out there? Comedy is just all making fun of everybody.

Does that really exist in Iceland? Yeah, they do have a comedy scene out there. What do you talk about? What's a typical Icelandic joke? I think it's because I put it in paper. That's what got me into trouble. Because if you go on stage, you seem to be allowed to get away with it. What is the name of your favorite whale?

Dan! Yay! And it just kills. Well, there was actually, like, there was a comedian who turned mayor in Iceland. What was that, a year ago? I think so. What's his name? Jonk Náttir. Did you hear about that? A year ago? I think so. What's his name? Jonk Nade.

Did you hear about that? That's your people. That's like the first comedian to become a mayor of a capital, I think. But John and Molly, didn't you guys have...

His name is leaving me right now, but I remember seeing the pictures with you and the comedian from SNL. Al Franken. Al Franken, yeah. We also had Jesse Ventura, who was a professional

wrestler, who was the governor of Minnesota. That is fun, but still much more fun. If you give me the chance to hang out with Jesse Ventura or Al Franken, I'm definitely going Jesse Ventura all the way. You don't mean what you're saying,

Mark. I mean 100% what I'm saying. Jesse Ventura would be so much more fun. Al Franken, he'd be funny at first, and then he'd get boring. He'd get real boring and preachy, like, well, what do you think? And then tariffs, and then Jesse Ventura is just going to be a blast. You mean you'd actually talk about politics? Imagine Fourth of July at Jesse Ventura's house going to be a blast. Oh, you mean he'll actually talk about politics? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Imagine Fourth of July at Jesse Ventura's house. Oh, God.

How awesome that is. Like seven fried turkeys. Just pictures of him. It's the body everywhere. Just pointing to his muscles. He's doing push-ups. Yeah, Jesse Ventura is an absolute madman. How is this comedian's overall appeal going over there in Iceland?

Do they seem to like him? Well, the thing is, he's not just any comedian. I mean, the guy is crazy. He's amazing. Yeah. I mean, he's not having, like, backward shoes Tuesdays or anything like that. He's just, like, doing normal stuff, I assume. Well, I just sent Marcus the last thing he did, which got him into a bit of a controversy.

He was in the Iceland Fashion Week, or Reykjavik Fashion Week, whatever it's called. What is that exactly? Well, Reykjavik is the capital. Yeah, I know, but what's the fashion like? Oh, the fashion? Who knows? I didn't see it. I was over here.

A lot of pelts. Yeah, a lot of pelts. It's just like wood paneling for pants. A lot of whale pelts. I know. just like wood paneling for pants a lot of whale pelts and uh and the guy did a speech which was mostly about the holocaust at a fashion week things you know with international fashion why haven't things up no i read the uh i read the transcript of the speech and he starts off talking about fashion for like a couple paragraphs and then he reads uh an excerpt from a diary of

a british guy who came upon a concentration camp had nothing to do with anything and then he reads an excerpt from a diary of a British guy who came upon a concentration camp, had nothing to do with anything, and then he talks about lipstick and then it's over. I mean, I just feel like if I was a Jew in 1940s Germany and I had died in a concentration camp, I would be extremely offended by the

thinness of models. And just how that is glorified. They need to eat more. Especially when that heroin chic was in where they put the dark circles under their eyes. It's just like, man, it's not like you haven't eaten for weeks, but you haven't. But that was my choice. That's not

fair. It's rude and it's not respectable for all the Jews who died in fucking Germany. Yeah, man, think of the Jews! Think of the Jews! I can see right through your fucking Nazi heart, bro. Yeah, man. I mean, I will say, maybe... Stop the screen.

Your Oma's been sending you all that fucking Nazi-ass money, piece of shit, buying more horror t-shirts. How do you feel, man, on the graves of the Jews? I'm fucking living the dream, dude. Those horror t-shirts were bought with six million lives. And I hate that.

Ah, damn! All right. I just wonder how thin models had to be in 1940s Germany. They weren't that thin. They were dead. They were fat? They were all dead.

They weren't thin. No, man. They were all, like, big. They were fat? They were all fat. Back then they weren't thin. No, man. They were all like big. They were normal sized women. Yeah. Really? Yeah. They were attractive.

It wasn't until I think like the 80s really, like especially with all the coke binge. No, no. 70s. Twiggies. Yeah, Twiggies. Twiggy. Twiggy was real hot. Twiggy was the one who turned it?

Twiggy is a big deal. She was kind of a twig. She was a twig. Not a fighter. So Twiggy was the one who started the Dachau chic. That's her. I like that term. That's what it should be called.

Well, she did have those pasty lips like she hasn't had any water in a few weeks. And big eyes like she's seen thousands of people burn in ovens. What's going on in the news, Marcus? China has banned movies about time travel. It's true! It's true!

It's definitely true! Oh my god, it's amazing! China knows how to time travel. They don't want no one else to figure it out. That's the thing, because they don't want people thinking about it all the time. It's just like, let us just, it's like, we're gonna take this, we're gonna take the lid off this thing in 20 years. You'll see. And then all the time travel. They don't want no one else to figure it out. That's the thing. Because they don't want people thinking about it all the time. It's just like, let us just, it's like, we're gonna take this, we're gonna take the lid off this thing in 20 years. You'll see. And then all the time travel movies that they're making right now, in secret,

on government money, are gonna come pouring out. It's gonna change everything in cinema. I'll fucking tell you what, man. If there is time travel, I don't want the Chinese in charge of it. No, man, because they're gonna turn everything into rice. Yeah, man, into rice. Good joke. They it turned everything into rice. Yeah, man, it's a rice. Good joke.

It turned everything into rice. That's if they could change one thing about the world. Did they wish it was all rice? Is that what you're saying? Everything is rice. That the whole Earth's crust is made out of rice. Those evil bastards. How are your shoes? Oh, you know, full of rice made out of rice. Those evil bastards. How are your shoes?

Oh, you know, full of rice. Full of rice. Normal standards. My feet have no more blood. I got hired for a new job. What is it? It's just rice. Rice.

It's just rice. I don't know what that means. I guess I'm going to be rice. I comb the rice. I'm the rice comer. The reason why the Chinese are... This is a quote. Oh, we're going to have actual facts in the show?

Sometimes I have actual facts. Is this about rice? It's all about rice. Too much rice in these time travel movies. Time travel TV shows and movies are becoming really popular in China. And the General Bureau of Radio, Film, and Television said, quote, many stories are totally made up. Wow.

They said the producers and writers are treating the serious history in a frivolous way, which should by no means be encouraged anymore. It's all the Chinese government does is make up stories. Remember in the Olympics when they had that cute girl come sing and mouth the words while the ugly girl sang it?

Did you hear that story? This is great. During the Olympics, they had this beautiful young girl singing this amazing song. And then it comes out that there was an ugly girl right behind her actually singing. And she just mouthed it. Because the... And there were seven. You can't...

You can be... As your woman, you're allowed to be ugly until 14. What? So if you're seven... Then what happens, Ben? Well, then society does whatever they do with you. I have no idea. My ideas of beauty are different than other people.

They just keep you in a basement and they rape you until you're pretty. I don't know, Jackie. That's it. You think I look so good. Yes, absolutely. You can be raped beautifully, yes. Would you, if you had the opportunity, would you time travel, Ben? I mean, what would I do there the opportunity, would you time travel, Ben?

I mean, what would I do there? Yeah, would you go backwards or forward? I would definitely go backwards because I don't fit in in today's society whatsoever and I have a feeling I'm only going to become less assimilated into the popular mainstream. So I would say

I would go popular. I would go back to the 1910s where people had hearts and souls. You could still drink. I would be I would go popular I would go back to the 1910s where people had hearts and souls you could still drink I would be a small farm boy you can't drink anymore? no

the prohibition is coming again oh it's coming again no I mean I would definitely go back and women they were

oh hey how are ya I got a dick and then they would fuck you and now it's a little bit different where have you been? I was already there. 1910s. 1910s. I'm sorry.

They were a bit husky. It wants to go back to the time when women were real subjugated. Well, yeah. I mean, it would be nice to feel superior just once in my life. Man, Kissel, I feel like you should just, if you were in the 1910s, I would say just dress up like a woman. They liked bulky women back then.

Pasty, bulky, awful-looking women. I did go back in time, and I was one of the most amazing domesticated cavemen around. I had a lot of jugs, and I was buried. Domestic jugs! That's correct. What did you do with them, though? I drank all the fucking titties out of them. There's no titties. No titties. You drank fucking titties out of them. There's no titties.

No titties. You drank the titties out of them. Yeah, all the liquor. I call liquor titties. It's the caveman era. I never actually heard you use that before, though. Things that you suck on. Titties.

Things that you suck on with Ben Kissel. Boobs. Bosoms. Botoxes. Anals. I just saved a different one for tits for half an hour. Eddie, what would you do

if you went back in time? Where would you go? I'd probably just go eat acid in the 60s. Yeah, man. Yeah. Why would you not? No, of course that's what I would do. Why would you not do that?

And I can imagine you dressed like Jenny in Far's Gump. I'm a free bird. I'm a free bird. I do a great balcony balance trick. You should check it out. No, I never want to see it. I'm going to show you. Well, speaking of time travel, what you would do, we got a segment from Holden McNeely.

Oh, no! The segment is... Fucking chilling with the goons. Oh, man. Chilling with the goons. No, that's not what it is, man. Oh, God, I got high today. All right.

We're going to talk about this. It's any historical figure, one night only, and you're just going to get fucking trashed with the person. All right. So who is it, and what are we talking about here in terms of getting trashed? I guess I'll start. It's a pretty obvious one, but Hunter S. Thompson. We would get, I don't know, a lot of rum, you know,

a lot of whiskey. Um, honestly, just pretty much like the briefcase, the, from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. We just have that. And we'd sit in a hotel room.

Ether, man. Yeah, we'd do the ether. We'd hit it all up at some point. I'd probably die. Yeah. Happily so.

Uh, anyways, you know, and we'd just fucking hang out and have a normal time. Whatever that is with Hunter S. Thompson. Moving on! In the show! Sounds like Hunter S. Thompson doesn't want to hang out with you, bro. I know, man.

That's why I wouldn't live. He'd just immediately blow my brains out with a fucking elephant gun. Alright, Henry, what do you got? I'd want to spend a day with Marlon Brando. Fucking eating cheese sandwiches and fucking getting massaged by one of his

man ladies. It'd be a great time. Talk to me in French. We'll have a good time. We'll read scenes on the waterfront to each other. It'll be great. Alright. Ragnar! Orson Welles and a box of wine. I think that's the way to go.

Hell yeah! Not bad. I would hang out with Anna Nicole Smith circa the guest gene ad and she'd be all hopped up on her pills and then I'd say, oh, I have a little bit more vodka, all those things. Then she'd be all hopped up on her pills, and then I'd say, oh, I have a little bit more vodka, all those things,

and then she'd fall asleep and I'd squeeze on her honkers. That's what I would do. John? Norman Mailer, late 60s, me, him, a bottle of bourbon, and we see where the night goes. Nice! Wow, you're gonna get fucked in the butt.

It's Mailer. You're going to fuck any dude. Molly? I'm still thinking about singing in the rain from before but I would get drunk with Gene Kelly and I would have him teach me how to tap dance. Boring!

Yeah, that's like the Windy Caveman. You just had the perfect date with Gene Kelly. Yeah, no, he was totally gay. There wouldn't be any fucking going on, but still, I love him. Actually, in the fetish community, tap dance with Gene Kelly is an expression for water sports. So that's way more interesting now. He's going to squirt all over you.

Jackie, what do you got? Oh, man. Harriet Tubman, number one. Opie dopie. Opie dopie. Man, I wanted her to fucking take me on that fucking sweet-ass underground railroad. I wanted her to make me one of those blackie turbans like she used to wear. I want to look Harriet Jones would agree.

No, man, she will. She'll be like, you're dope as shit. Whoa! Oh my goodness, Laura. What's going on here? We can edit. She's going to show me all those sweet, sweet plantation owners that gave her the shiv.

You know what I mean, man? And then what are you going to do when you meet what I mean, man? The penis shim. And then what are you going to do when you meet them? Ooh, I'm going to kiss them. Cut her short. Cut her short. Cut her off. Put down Harry Dumbin

the way she should have been put down all those years. Underground Railroad is you. What is that? That was insane! I don't know. I don't know. That's your sister, man. That's part of you.

I think that's why the Chinese outlawed movies about time travel. They don't want to see that. Alright, Eddie, what do you got? Oh, man, I'd definitely hang out with Babe Ruth and get some kids drunk. Myself, it would be a bunch of mushrooms, P.T. Barnum, and a night at the American Museum. And just get absolutely tripping balls and hang out with a bunch of circus freaks and pull one over on the rubes. Just have them really teach me how to fuck with people in the best way possible,

and just spend all night tripping with P.T. Barnum. He'd be the best. That'd be amazing. Ray, now, what are you up to? Oh, I just wanted to say, I am actually reading a book by P.T. Barnum right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Art of Money Getting.

That's a great book. That's a title, right? Money Getting? Money Getting. By P.T. Barnum. P.T. Barnum's the most book. That's a title, right? Money Getting? Money Getting. By P.G. Barnum. P.G. Barnum's the most badass guy. You get a fat chick. Then you get a chick with a beard.

Then you get a half-man. Then you get somebody with a claw. And somebody who's a terrible comedian. Those are each separate chapters in his book. Half-man. It just sounds like the entire round table. Just name the round table. That's like the plot of the Muppet movie.

It's beautiful. Alright, that's the fucking round table, gentlemen. Very good. That's the whole damn show. Yay! I want to thank Ben Kissel. For what? Why, Ed? Who are you?

You're Holden. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. And by the way, Eddie, you're the most attractive member of BurgerFest. Definitely. By far. Apparently. Sorry, Ed.

It's fine. I knew it, though. I knew I'd always be number two or number three. No, you're number two. You're behind me, motherfucker. What? That's the wrong table. Eddie Tubman's going to come back. two or number three. No, you're number two. You're behind me, motherfucker. What is that? And you're tough and it's going to come back. And I'm going to kiss the slave owners.

Jesus, why'd you bring it back up? What'd you think? It was going to turn out good? You think that was going to work? You think you're going to make her feel bad or something? No! Well, this has been a perfect podcast. At the route table

are gentlemen, Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson, Marcus Parks, Holy Main Daily, Ragnar, I'm Ben Kissel, thank you John and Molly Neffel, and Henry Zabrowski. We will see you next week. I am loving it! Fuck off! Oh my goodness. That was an emotional rollercoaster. I am loving it. Shut the fuck up.

Oh my goodness. That was an emotional rollercoaster. Yeah, that was a lot.