The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 39: The Best Open Mic in Bend, OR

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Holy hell, we’ve got a suicide at an open mic! Join us as we explore the obvious hilarity of the situation. We’ve also got Kevin fresh back from Florida with a wonderful story of mistaken identity which once again proves that he ain’t shit. Joining us in the Hut this week is Jermaine “Much Better Looking Comedian Than KB” Fowler and Nick Vatterott, who has been arrested an alarming number of times.

It's the trailer. Oh my god. You're on prayer mode. I am doing the prayer. Have we started? I guess we're going to start now. Oh, okay. I suppose so, unless you want to talk about Fast Five a little bit more?

Just don't, just, yeah. We're good. Can we talk about Fast Five a little? And to everybody else at Boob, thank you so much for making Fast Five. I love that movie. I can't wait to see Vin Diesel and his bald head and his big balls. Oh yeah, he wears tight shirts. Big tight shirts

for the big theater man. I enjoy his acting and all of his skin tone. He is the same color that I make all of my creative players on my new pro wrestling game for PSP, All Stars. So thank you, Bielsa Boop,

for making Fast Five come out at the perfect time of year, just during summer season. Amen. Amen. I just want to thank Europa for hooking you up with that PSP. That's amazing. Yes, that, my friend, is the best money the Holocaust can buy. Did she know that you are, yeah, if she only knew you bought a bunch of serial killer books and a PSP.

Yeah, my Oma from Germany. That's why I was able to afford the PSP. So hold on. Your Nazi grandmother died? I wouldn't say Nazi. All right, all right. She is alive. Anywho.

This is the Roundtable of Gentlemen. The best podcast of all time. Who is everybody on the round table? Jack Zebrowski, Vin Diesel, meow. Ed Larson. Aldo McNeely, Vin Diesel, fine. Kevin Barnett, I got nothing for you. I'm Benjamin Gissel with us in the chuckle hut.

I'm very, very happy. We've got Nerf Vatterball, a.k.a. Nick Vatter Tots. Thank you for being here, Nick. It's good to be here. And then, of course, we've got Kevin Barnett sitting in there as well. He's playing two roles today. I want to welcome Jermaine Fowler. Thanks for being here.

How you doing? Thank you for having me. And Marcus's well-adjusted Texas buddy. We'll call him Matt Martinez. Thanks for being here, Matt. It's a pleasure. Absolutely. With us for the news, it's always Marcus Parks.

Marcus, Marcus, what do you got for us, buddy? On Thursday night, 19-year-old Kip Rusty Walker... The old Rusty. The old Rusty played the keyboard for a small crowd at a cafe open mic night

in Bend, Oregon. Then he stood up, produced a small blade, and stabbed himself in the chest until he collapsed dead. Yeah! This is the best performance of Don Giovanni I've ever seen! I'm so proud of that fucking terrible open mic musician. He did exactly what the entire audience wanted him to do.

Just giving it to the crowd, man. Yeah, how many times have you sat at an open mic and been like, I just wish this dude would kill himself. Stop performing, die. And then when he does it, oh, it's so beautiful. Who's the guy who would follow him? I don't even know if Murderfish could follow him. Not enough blood.

Go back to the dude who killed himself. I definitely follow a guy killing himself. You know, it's just a bad day for the janitor. God damn, we've got to stop this mic. Every day. Every time we do this mic, I'm cleaning up bodies. I'm just like, God damn. At least real blood is easier to clean up than fake blood, though.

It's not as sticky. That's a good point. Did you get the quote from the best friend? Oh, God, yes. This best friend is such an unbelievable enabler. It's amazing. He says, quote, it was almost like he wanted to prove a point,

like there's no point in being scared of death because it's going to happen to us anyway. Well, I'll tell you, it's definitely going to happen to you when you stab yourself in the chest. It is. That is pretty accurate. I actually told him, was like dude this is

gonna mess a lot of people up but he didn't say it like that you know he's like oh dude this is gonna mess a lot of people up man suicide hype man i feel like that was like and we talked to his stoner friend who said oh this guy's a fucking moron. So the guy didn't die, though? He died. Oh, he died. He died. At least he did it successfully.

You know, what if he didn't die? Then he'd be the laughing stock of the world. Well, that's the thing. You know, he might be an open mic musician, but he is not an open mic killer. He is a pro. It's very good. Nick, you're a comedian, as we all are here. Have you ever been on stage and you just want to take a knife to your chest and end the whole fucking situation?

Oh, I think it has happened. I've never talked about it. I've never been like, you know how you try bits out on buddies? Hey, here's a bit. Kill myself. Oh, dude, that's going to mess a lot of people up. Is on though anybody who does that on stage is hacked you gotta hang yourself or let yourself ablaze now you can no longer stab yourself that's the thing if i was gonna kill myself on stage man go for the dramatics man set yourself on fire watch them watch you really die. Yeah, take the whole building

with you. Yeah. Burn the entire place down. Was it an original song or was it a cover? No, he was playing Candle in the Wind. He played dramatic music while he stabbed himself. If you could have kept it going with the

keyboard, that would have been amazing. Giving him the light as he's killing himself. We got a lot on, and there's a band at midnight. Well, the employees thought that at first it was, quote, some sort of theater. It was. They thought that he was just doing a performance, and they realized, oh, he's killing himself on stage. It would be funny if the MC has to go back on and be like, I just want to remind everybody, when you see the light at four minutes, you've got one minute left. Okay?

So please, get off stage as quick as possible. He's just dead. I guess he's going to stay there the whole show. We've got to move this along. Oh, man, I wonder if the keyboard synth beat kept going. Like, do-do-do-do-do- like synth beat kept going like He's playing there, Ted. There's probably some dude. He wasn't playing at all.

He really wanted just the keyboard. There's probably some dude sitting there who gets bumped at every mic. That happens like damn, man, I never get to rap. It's an organ too. It's in Oregon. I was going to rap. Oh, my God.

Yeah, I mean, what's the name of the town in Oregon? I assume it's a small one. Bend. Oh, Bend. So there's a couple hundred thousand people there. I guess. He made the big time. He made the big time papers, I assume, then.

He made the big papers. They'll be hearing about this all the way up to Eugene. I mean, I think that's the thing about our culture now. A lot of kids, they think that you just go out there and you kill yourself because that's what talented musicians do, failing to remember the fact that talented musicians were really talented musicians as well. First, yeah, exactly. You've got to do that part first.

Yeah, you get the feeling he was just like, and now I'm a celebrity, and then people are going to love my music forever. Don't stab yourself. Choke on your own vomit. Come on. See, I wanna die fucking like a big, big, horrible woman. Yeah, man. I wanted to smother me to death. 62 years old, February 13th. You know what? I'll do an elephant

if I need to. Get out of a plane, just jump out of a plane, fucking an elephant in midair. Masturbate into an elephant snout. And then she... Yeah, yeah. Chokes me. Pulls my cock off and beats me to death with it.

No, my own cock would. That sounds like a reasonable thing to do. That's a new finish. What I want is to make the round table news. Because if you just normally killed yourself, we just wouldn't even bring it up and just replace you and keep going like nothing happened. I'm going to replace Holden this week.

Never bring your dead ass up again i mean that's the thing i think every entertainer for like ego reasons like fantasizes about killing themselves on stage because how the how will the world ever live without my beauty and my talent that's what they think in their mind and it's really just an ultimate fuck you. Yeah, I mean, we made it with after John Lennon died, we're going to be fine after this random kid, Eugene. I mean, I just thought that random open mic-er in Eugene was really going to, or in Ben,

was really going to touch some people one day. And it's unfortunate we're never going to see him really shine. He never left. He was just like, man, my career's going nowhere. You're in bed You gotta go Get out of there Yeah

Give yourself a chance buddy Get yourself in New York That's what you have to do That's where you have to be Yeah For real I will say If this would have happened in New York

I'm sure it would have been Far more famous of a story Oh yeah This almost went under the radar Barely got it No it wasn't even I mean it was sort of Just kind of out there

In the ether It wasn't really a big story I think it'll trigger Some copycat, you know. I hope so. Hopefully. Did the guy have any last words or anything, or he just stood up after playing?

Just stood up, said nothing, and just started stabbing himself. And did they tell you if it was an original song or if he was doing a cover? They don't tell you, no. It was a cover? Oh, my God, this is a bad way to end it. I know.

I think the last thing he said was, that's my time. Eddie, there's a picture of the dude. What do you think he looks like? Eddie, why don't you give us a description of this guy? Oh, he's your standard skater idiot kid. You know, wants to look like Jason Mewes. He's got the skull cap and some

stupid hair hanging out the back. Ed wants to beat the shit out of this kid. He's dead. You can't do it anymore, man. Oh, man, I know. He beat me to it. I'm kind of upset about it. No, this kid's worthless.

Yeah, I mean... And let's not forget this guy's name, Kip Rusty Walker. Yeah, I... That's his name. He's only 19 years old. It's Rusty... Kip Rusty Walker.

This is that guy's full name. You have to be at least 50 years old and survived one battle at war to get the nickname Rusty. You can't be 19 and Rusty. That doesn't make any sense at all. Well, there's Rusty Griswold. Oh, but that's his actual name. I mean, I assume this Rusty's a nickname. No, no, no.

That's his name. Kip Rusty Walker. I can't get over this guy's friend, though. You know? This is the real asshole, the whole deal. He's like, hey man, I warned him that it would fuck some people. He warned him that it would just be the coolest thing ever

to happen in Bend, Oregon. I think it's safe to say he's actually taking it pretty well. I think he is. He didn't give a shit. He did not like this kid. Yeah, exactly. He's the director. You can put it on his credits. He did not like this kid. He's the director.

He can put it on his credits. It's good, man. We're not all messed up, man. I bet he's going to show girls this article and be like, that was me. Not the one who killed himself. I'm making the other guy in quotes. I really wish that I knew what the friend's name was.

They didn't give the friend's name. What's the deal with the picture underneath the kid? It's just a dude kissing a girl's neck. Oh, that's just Gawker. I mean, they just put that shit in there. Oh, all right. Imagine that. That was part of the news story.

It's the corpse. It really is one of the greatest performances I've ever heard of, though. In legitimate life, you know? but anyway it's the corpse it is uh it's the corpse it really is one of the greatest performances I've ever heard of though in legitimate life you know this is gonna be the

new alt scene man yeah where did Kurt Cobain kill himself at in Washington yeah I tell you he didn't have the balls

to do it on stage that's for damn sure I would hate to die on stage honestly because you know the comedy club crowds are morbidly obese white fellas

from New Jersey with their fat little children and their fucking unbelievably whale-like wives. This is your audience, by the way. I know. No, I mean, well, I mean, I don't like my fans too much because you hate yourself.

Yes, and when I look at them and I look at their fat little eyes I look at my fat little eyes how am I I am you and you are me and this is fucking sad because you're gross and then that would be your last images of just like a

mid 50's lady just being like I don't get it I don't like it constant reminder to our audience that Ben is Ben and the rest of us are us. I would just like to take this opportunity to bring up the fact that I live with a madman. I have a bag of mushrooms on my fridge attached to the fridge magnet. Come on over and have them. I don't want them anymore.

No, we've got to not do this. There are serial killer books all over my coffee table. It's looking awesome, though. I walked in today. I was like, hell yeah. Have a little mushroom room. Have a little. It's the coolest house on the block.

Yeah. I think it's great. It's like, you walk in, you see the mushrooms. You eat the mushrooms. You walk into the living room. You see the serial killer books. That's exactly what I want to fucking read in my book of mushrooms. I'm going to the open mic on Thursday.

I'm going to fucking stab myself. I'm doing it. Do you all live with each other? Ben and I live together. Who do you think would kill somebody or kill themselves? Oh, Ben. I'm a very excited young boy. I want to murder so bad.

I have a real bloodline. My type of personality is the reason that we had to create laws. You know, everyone that's, like, anarchist, like, oh, no government, no rules. It's just like, we need them because I'll kill your fucking ass. You definitely want to have the cops because the only reason I'm not murdering you is because I'm petrified of prison getting my, you know, butt pummeled. I can't deal with that kind of law. I mean, I can see you killing abroad, like, Lenny style. Never.

Oh, but like a retarded way. Yeah, like, I love you, I love you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Showing up drunk, you got a little girlfriend, you just lay on her and you wake up and she's dead and you gotta go to jail. I'm terrified of that. Sometimes I wake up and I have dreams that I killed Mara

and I just look over and I'm just so happy she's breathing. As a matter of fact, my friend's father, Jerry, he used to to his name is jerry and he i think he's dead now actually uh he had ms anyway no he's doing fine it's fine he didn't stab himself in an open mic or anything natural causes natural god causes um he he used to do this thing called sleep strangulation which is like a true thing and so he would wake up his wife like choking her and it happened more than once so he ended up having to go on like a medication to like help him not have these night terrors or whatever but she would wake up his wife, like, choking her. And it happened more than once. So he ended up having to go on, like, a medication to, like, help him not have these night terrors or whatever.

But she would wake up, and she would just be terrified. She was like, don't kill me, stop killing me. And then he would feel, like, terrible about it, you know, obviously, because he killed the woman that he loves, or almost did. I mean, I don't know if that holds up. How have you murdered Mara in your dreams? Just random stuff, you know? Just punching her in the face and just like, why are killed more but like i've killed like people you know when you wake up and you call them

and you're like oh you're alive this is great you know because i don't want to go to jail oh is that why you call me in the middle every night yeah every night but that is the ultimate fear isn't like doing something that's terrible and you just don't even remember doing it, and then you have to spend the rest of your life in prison. If I'm going to kill somebody, I really want to be awake for it and sober, because I want to remember it. I don't even want to know. I was about to say, yeah.

You're probably never going to kill anyone, then. I know, I'm never sober. Yeah. A lot of people in the ghetto, before gang initiations, what they do is they get high before they kill somebody. They have to. How could you get high before you kill somebody? That's the thing.

Don't you be like, we're going to go do this drive-by. Let's smoke this blunt first. And then don't you just drive around and listen to music instead? Weed to me seems like the worst motivator for crime ever. I would think they would drink before doing something. Not drinking. Like angel dust, a lot of weed, and some PCP probably. And I learned. I need Like, angel dust, a lot of weed, and some PCP probably. And I learned.

I ate some more angel dust. I'm going to go with the PCP on that one as well. PCP is the fucking crazy shit that makes you do nutty murder shit. I mean, I saw, I remember seeing on an episode of Cops, this guy on PCP, it was fucking horrifying. He was just like, he was going to kill everything. And they had to get like like, five cops on him. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

PCP makes you so strong. Exactly. I did a show. Well, I was booked to do a show a long time ago in D.C. Yes, on PCP. But it was a black civil rights show, right? And they wanted a comedian to do some jokes. And before me, there was a bunch of dudes talking about how the reason why cops carry magnums and glocks now is because

back, I guess, in the 50s and 60s there was a black guy on PCP who wouldn't go down. They were shooting him. And so they ended that seminar and I was up next to do my jokes. Wow. I didn't think you could be beat, but I think that might be a worse opener than the dude stabbing himself at the open mic.

That would be easier to follow that than a bunch of fucking oh my goodness yes how was the civil rights crowd i mean i assume it's more of a serious event and their brains aren't necessarily in the mood to laugh are they no one's laughing everyone's taking notes uh on your jokes no no my jokes on the on the pcp thing people want to look it up and i never tried to look it up before but maybe we could do it later but uh i heard that and the guy said after this intermission, Jermaine Fowler's going to come up and do some jokes.

Oh, my God, that's the worst. Yeah, and the people were eating chips and, you know, going to the cheese bar. The cheese bar? Oh, the fanciest show I've ever heard. This guy was like, this guy said, Jermaine, are you? Picture, like, liquid cheese going down an ice sculpture. It's like a fondue set. You're out of pretzels.

You're out of pretzels. Just get some more pretzels. Nigga, get some pretzels, man. Get some pretzels, nigga. You're out of cheese, nigga. You can get good and tonic, nigga. Who let the bald white guy in?

I'm a regular here. Don't be mad at me, I'll do time and shoot myself. Yeah, Marcus, what's another story, buddy? Alright, we got some celebrity news. Nicolas Cage has been arrested in New Orleans. I love this story. He's going to fuck up real bad to get arrested in New Orleans and be famous. Cage and his wife began arguing on the sidewalk in front of a home in the French Quarter.

Cage insisted that it was the home that they were renting, and it was not. He was in front of the wrong house yelling at his wife that this was the house that they were renting and it was not. He was in front of the wrong house yelling at his wife that this was the house that they were renting and then he flipped out and started hitting cars. I love it so much. That's such a beautiful argument to have with your wife because really women tend to be right when the man is wasted and just having to

tell your husband, be like, it's not our fucking house! That's not the house! I think that's our house. It's like, how many houses do you have? It's amazing. I mean, also don't you think maybe he goes into bad lieutenant mode anytime he's in fucking new orleans you know he's just like smoke crack fucking punch cars fuck girls in front of their boyfriends stay and watch yeah that scene man that's when he's like fucking that guy's girlfriend and makes him fucking watch it. Awesome. You masturbated to that. Once again, the wrong words.

No. I did watch it while having sex. But I think that's fine, though. That's not a throwaway line. No. That's a very interesting way to get in line. It sheds a lot of light on your sex life. I think that it's fine, though, with that.

Uh-oh. That's all me. Microphone. Microphone. I think... No, it's fine, though, with that. Uh-oh. That's all me. Microphone. Microphone. I think. No, it's fine. Sorry. My phone also went off that I didn't realize it was on.

Uh-oh. No, Henry's calling us. Yeah, no, it's exactly what it is. I'm sorry. His brother, his sense is tingling. Yeah. He's not talking about this. How did you know we were talking about it? My balls hurt.

I think that it's fine, though, that he didn't start fucking were talking about it. My balls hurt. I think that it's fine, though, that he didn't start fucking hitting her, though. He started hitting Carl. Yeah, he did grab her arm and try to get her into a taxi. He's been charged as domestic abuse battery disturbing the peace and public drunkenness. That's not domestic abuse.

He's going to get most of that stuff dropped, I assume. He only had $11, of that stuff dropped, I assume. He only had $11,000 bail. Oh, okay. You'd think he would get more than that. Did you hear who bailed him out? No. Dog! Huh? Dog?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dog's the one who got him out. How did that even make sense? I don't know. That's what I heard today. I think the reason why he bailed him out, he, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dog's the one who got it wrong. How did that even make sense? I don't know. That's what I heard today. I think the reason why he held them out, he's like, so I heard you hate niggas, man. It's like, oh, no. That's not why I'm in jail.

Oh, all right. I'm sorry. I need a little bit. I hate crime avengers. Come on, man. Think about it. Think about what they do. Avengers. Come on, man. Think about it.

Think about what they do. Speaking of black people, Kevin, you have a fantastic FSU story. God damn it, man. Yeah, I was just there last week, and I was very excited to do this show because this is the first place I ever did stand-up. And I go there, and there's a poster there that's supposed to have a picture of me.

You went to college there, right? Yeah, I went to college there. You graduated? You got a degree from there? Yeah I did all of that and I just left a year ago so it's not even that long of a time and there's a poster there and it's supposed to be a picture of me and it says my name as a picture of fucking Jermaine. How in the fuck does that happen? You guys just so funny. You guys look nothing alike. And Jermaine is just so much more attractive. All my friends are just like, well, that's a far better looking dude than you. He probably just Googled me and saw like eight pictures of me and one picture of Jermaine. He's like, well, this dude is much better looking.

I'm going to put this dude on here. I heard this story though. I looked you up, Barnett. I heard this story. I looked you up. Jermaine, your picture is the first picture that pops up. That's not true. Yeah, Gary.

Yeah, I saw it. I heard this story. I was like, that can't be true. No, the first two pictures are of random black men, and the third picture is Jermaine. The fourth picture is you. On the image. So and the third picture is Jermaine. The fourth picture is you. On the image. So why did they even choose Jermaine? Because, Jermaine, you've never been to Florida, right?

I've been to Florida. I've been to Orlando once. But you've never, like, been to FSU? No, I've never been there. This is four hours from Orlando, though. No, no, no, no. I've never been to FSU. Never have been to a college.

I have no idea who you are at this campus. There's no reason why that should have happened. I don't understand why that happened. The dude who was running the show, honestly, he had no idea what he was doing, though. Well, you were there, like, last month, though, right? Yeah. But the thing was, it was like four of us that were... Oh, you're looking at the

Google image? No, no. Well, the thing is that whenever you Google Kevin Barnett on image search, tell them what it is, Eddie. Well, the first picture is a ripped-ass, beautiful white man. Oh, yeah, Kevin Barnett. I got it.

White Kevin Barnett is fucking ripped. There's a soccer player, and then there's an Irish family, and then there's a crackhead. Yeah, there's a crackhead. And then there's a ridiculous picture of Kevin Barnett. A ridiculous picture of you.

What am I doing? It looks like a cover of a jazz album, but in high school. I know that picture. It's from a jazz concert. Hell yeah. Then there's a picture of some white dude with black girls grinding on him.

That's me. And then you don't show up again for a long time. You don't show up again, but no Fowler either. I'm not seeing any Jermaine's here. No, you type in comedian. Yeah, no, Kevin Barnett comedy is what we typed in. You should just be happy they didn't put the white person up there. Oh, yeah, there's Jermaine.

That is a good picture of you. Jermaine's one, two, three, four, five. Yeah, Jermaine, you look really good in that picture, though. You're the's a one, two, three, four, five. Jermaine's like six in. You're the first, though. Yeah, I'm the first one. But there's another thing, though. Michael Che shows up, too. If you Google me, there's a picture of Che. But if you Google Che, I don't show up.

There's only like three pictures of Michael Che in the history of Michael Che. Exactly. How does this happen? How does this happen? The first picture of Kevin looks pretty... You look like Samuel Jackson from Pulp Fiction without the goatee and the mustache and everything. You look exactly like him.

I love the guy who booked the show and just willed himself to have the most attractive black comedian. He was just like, oh, please be this one. Please be this one. He's so damn handsome and cute. And then you showed up and he was just like, god damn it. I can't even acknowledge the fact that I didn't want you to be here. Did you know the guy?

No, that's the thing. He knew who I was and he had asked about me. He wanted to book me in the first place. The guy had no idea what he was doing. There was four comedians on the show. First we get there and he sees me and he just starts sweating because he saw the picture. He's like, I'm sorry saw the picture i'm sorry man

kevin's huge kevin's a big ass black dude yeah exactly he was like terrified and then i go like so what's the deal with the show he's like well you know there's four of us he's like well i think you know i was thinking everybody could do 40 minutes no what do you want to do 40 minutes we're just gonna make it a tight 180 minutes, and we'll get everybody out of there. It'll be great. How many comics were on the show? It was four of us.

Oh, my God. The apocalypse now redux. 40 minutes? Yeah, he was completely insane. We talked him down to it, but that's what he thought would be a good show in his head, was 40 minutes. How was your overall time in Florida?

You were there for like two weeks, right? It was great, man. It was fucking hilarious. What I loved about it, though, man, is because, you know, here in New York, I don't know what it is. For some reason, bitches talk to me. They fucking, they think I'm like somebody. They think you're Jermaine Fowler. Yeah, exactly.

That's what happens. Or the white Kevin Barnett. I can say anything to them, and they're like receptive, which I don't understand. And I was there in Tallahassee. I'm used to getting tried by girls all the time. And I remember I went up to this one girl, and I spoke to her. I was like, hey, you know, what's up, girl? You know, what's your favorite Star Wars movie?

And she's like, I don't watch Star Wars. I'm like, oh, well, is it cool if I keep talking to you? And she was like, no. And I was like, I'm back. I was so excited. That's the life I'm used to living. I can't believe those were your first two lives. I don't think I would have talked to you.

No, Barnett, you just need to stay in Tallahassee. You'll get fucking turned down every fucking time, man. It was great, man. Yeah, why is that? In small towns, these morbidly obese cow women, they just think they're the prettiest gal in the farmyard. They're here for us, man. It is. There was another comedian who was there this week

and he was trying to text me trying to find I'm not going to say his name because it's very sad for him but he was texting me trying to find spots in Tallahassee

and I tell him where to go and like an hour later he's like, fuck this town, man. Fuck this. I'm like, what are you talking about? He starts IMing me.

He's like, every fat bitch in this place thinks they're onto some Beyonce shit. They think they're all beautiful. He's like, I was just trying to fuck a fat bitch. Just one. Just one.

This is the worst night of my life. It's so sad. It's like getting kicked out of a McDonald's for not being dressed well enough. I can't eat here? What else can I do? Where else can I go? He's like, somebody's been blowing these fat bitches' heads up. You were here last year.

I feel like you were part of that movement. Fuck you. I hate you. I was like, hey hey hold on man half the fat bitches tallahassee think my name is kyle burns which is true because i used to tell if i was gonna try to hook up with a fat bitch in tallahassee i told him my name was kb like what's that stand for i'm like kyle burns i worked at a gym i couldn't have fat bitches coming in there messing my shit up let's be real here and so you are so classy there's literally girls if they saw me in tallahassee was like oh that's kyle burns this is a fact and uh but then he was like he was like yeah kyle burns is your real name

kevin barnett's just some shit you made up before moving to new york because you thought nick crow would think it was cool yeah we were we were fucking... It was amazing. Man, that's the problem with fat bitches lately, though, is that they're getting these fucking big-ass heads so they think that they don't have to be as good

as the skinny bitches in fucking bed anymore. That's the problem. Is that the problem with fat bitches? Yeah, man. If you are big, you better be fucking good in bed

because the world's gonna get around town, man, and no one's ever going to fuck you ever again. Well, that's not true. That's how it goes. There's always a Kevin Barnett out there trolling for some sweet, sweet shit. That's the problem.

He's going after the ones with low self-esteem. Everybody's got high self-esteems now. I hate that high self-esteem. Are these fat white ladies or fat black ladies? Well, let's be real here, man. We're fat Asians. Because fat black ladies have the most self-esteem. Yeah, exactly.

I have no knowledge of how to speak to them. I mean, no one can speak to them. Not even cops. It's a terrible. Fat black bitches, they have the most, like, they are just all the time. I fucking hate her. I hate Monique. That's the thing. Monique is a very unattractive woman yeah and she should remember that every time planting seeds in their head man they don't need that i mean that's the thing i just don't get it like how you think big is

beautiful when you're gonna die next week something like that it's just a terrible yeah women's conf uh fat women's confidence uh goes exponentially greater with the amount of carbohydrates they eat during the day. I feel like, you know, the more breads, they really get a little bit meaner. That's why Wisconsin men, yeah, they're so like more red, yeah. Well, they're cheese-fed, so they're slightly nice, which is good. Mostly fried cheese, though. Well, yeah, that's where the carbs come in, and that's where they have little attitudes as well.

See, now I'm just curious, like, what was the news story that spawned this conversation? I can't even remember. Oh, this was... This is from Kevin and Jermaine's, you know, confusion. Yeah, yeah. Kevin, though, I've got a news story from you. This is from the category of, you think Haitians are fucking up, your people are just as bad.

In Jamaica... Is that a category? I've never seen that on any scroll. I'm really influenced. up your people are just as bad in jamaica in jamaica there is a disturbing and dangerous trend uh people are bleaching their skin uh to yeah people are bleaching their skin uh sometimes getting the beach from roadside vendors to get lighter skin. They say that it's like Botox to fashion their own body in a unique way. And it's getting the dangerous proportions. They're bleaching babies.

They're using dangerous ingredients. See, my question is, why isn't this happening in Haiti? I know. See, that's what I'm saying. This seems like a totally Haiti story. But no, it's Jamaica. So what's the point? So what do rich people do and what do poor people do?

Because I assume poor people can't afford bleach and all those things. Bleach is pretty cheap. No, no, no. Oh, no. The poor people are using toothpaste or curry powder. Oh, my God. Nobody said niggas wasn't dark in Jamaica. There's a lot of dark people in Jamaica. That's a fact all right but look everybody

wants to look like blake griffin nowadays that's the problem with the world yeah ben diesel style oh yeah blake superior i mean that yeah is blake white blake's a half white half black yeah yeah yeah future baby oh god damn i thought he was just some albino white or i don't know what the fuck he was i I thought he was just some albino white. I don't know what the fuck he was. I just thought he was just some weird mulatto looking dude. I know what the fuck he was. He is a mulatto dude. And there are also reggae singers who are singing about it. Here's a sample lyric.

The girl dim love off me bleach out face. You don't mean that, man. Nobody is happy with who they are. I'm not that smart i'm not that good to make shit like that kevin kevin you ever been to like a crazy ass dance hall in jamaica on your oh yeah i've been there man what's that i've talked about it before like when i was saying like how they just hate gay people oh they just hate uh-huh yeah after the last time i was there and i was in a dance hall there was a song where it was just, the chorus was just about step,

they called them Chichi Mountain. They were like, step on the Chichi, burn down the Chichi. That was the chorus of a song. They were very excited about it. And Chichi's a gay man?

And there was a dance where you just stomped and jumped up and down. Yeah. Didn't they make Murdering a Gay Man? They really hate them over there. What's so weird is that

Caribbean people hate gay people that much, but they have the gayest dances over there. What's so weird is that Caribbean people hate gay people that much, but they have the gayest dances for men. It's so weird. Have you ever noticed that? It's just they all whine in their hips and shit,

but it's like, fuck fags, fuck fags, fucking gyrating, this is gay. It just seems like a gay thing to sing about. Stop talking about it.

Yeah, get your mind off of them. Talk about boobs and titties and vaginas and large breasts and mostly boobs. Those guys are so gay. Now, let's get that still drum. Yeah, get your mind off of them. Talking about boobs and titties and vaginas and large breasts. Nipples. Mostly boobs. Those guys are so gay. Now, let's play that steel drum.

Let's get dancing. The steel drum is the gayest instrument I've ever heard. I'm sorry, Kyle. Yeah, absolutely. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You're just going to have an anti-gay song with steel drums in it? Well, I guess that's why they have to make the lyrics totally anti-gay because everyone's just like, that sounds gay as hell. Oh, you think so? This is how much I hate gay people. Check out the fucking lyrics now.

But really though, I think the skin bleaching and bleaching, bleaching, bleaching, like white, like Michael Jackson style. I think it's just the same thing as white people trying to tan. Exactly. This is the reverse of it. I don't know. They're using toxins like mercury and uh hydroquinone which can cause disfiguring splotches so they can look like they'll definitely look like michael jackson why can't why can't we do that why can't black people no exactly people like i use

hydroquinone on the scar because it's darker i stopped using it because i like it was making my eyes swell like i had a lurch reaction to it. But that's the thing people have been using for forever. And it doesn't really, it doesn't bleach. They say bleach and you think, oh, it's going to make your skin white. It just makes it lighter.

That's what they're saying. But what's the point? Is there a monetary gain do they think they're going to get? To get a job. Yeah, exactly. That's what they're saying. Yeah, you do it to get a job.

How does having splotchy skin help you get a job? Because there's no way this is like a... Tell me, Ben. Tell me. Well, I'm not going to sit here and lie to you being white is amazing and uh it's always worked out pretty well for me uh you're a dog nanny who has

health insurance and a brand new fucking mac laptop boom suck it everybody no i have nothing never had anything i'm gonna start an organization uh for these poor Jamaicans. I'm going to get them bleached. Bleach Jamaica! It'll be a huge campaign. Thanks to your Nazi grandmother, we're going to bleach Jamaica. Get some OxyClean over there. They're going to be beautiful in a matter of months.

I'm very excited to start this new campaign. They bleach themselves and they go tan afterwards. Even it out. Keep their cocks black, though. They're just Mexican women. That's all of it. I don't have a problem with it.

I just think, you know, white people can tan. It's just very dangerous. It's extremely dangerous. It is very dangerous. I will say, I sort of understand what they're going through. I've been tanning my dick lately, and only my dick. I've always wanted a nice black one. Black one.

But tanning's dangerous, too, right? Yeah, yeah. It's getting tan, it's all the crap i'm so everything's dangerous i mean i think it's it's people should just be fine with the race that they are i don't know it hate to not like your skin color that's a big thing to hate about yourself well come on man that's what they do black but asians asians do it with the eye surgery that's like huge on the rise they're all getting their eyes whoa Wait, what are you talking about? They're cutting their eyes because they want

Anglo features. So they're cutting them and then raising them and making them more round. Yeah, they just want to look like animals. Everyone's doing that. I feel like Asians with wide eyes look weird, man. It's all the rage, man.

And they're actually doing something similar, too, with the skin whitening. Yeah. It's kind of crazy. I watched a little while ago. They know how ugly Polish people are, right? Yeah. They're not age well. Well, every Asian anime, they don't have cheeky eyes.

They have big white people blue eyes. It's so weird. Exactly. There's no anime that has like... He's holding up a picture of a speed racer. That's all anime looks like is a bunch of white people. Asian people love white people. The only race that just so openly loves white people.

Everybody else hates white people. Whoa! It's true. Indians love white people. And Chinese and Japanese love white people. And black people. I've been having a great time about how much Asians love white people.

It's great. Yeah. I love it. I mean, I don't get, you get to reap the benefits of having sex with them. I'm far too large to ever have sex

with an Asian. I did have sex with one on the bathroom floor and then I came upstairs and I was like, I banged her on the floor and then she got mad. Because you announced it.

You announced it. I announced it. I was a little bit of a dick. This is college? Are we talking? Yeah, like 21. Uh-huh. You know. I think. I like it. I didn't announce it. I was a little bit of a dickhead. This is college? Are we talking? Yeah, like 21. Uh-huh. You know.

Viking. The Viking bit. Fucking monster. God, you would have nailed it as a Viking. You would have been the best Viking in the world. You would have been incredible. It would have been fun. It would have been a lot of fun.

But with that sensibility you have right now as a Viking, you're not even like, grr, you're all like sarcastic. Well, that's the thing about killing. If you're not having a good time doing it, stay away. Don't. Right. But if you're just going to love it. And being killed by somebody who's smiling and just laughing is so much more horrific

than somebody who's sad and crying. The Joker, yeah. Yeah, the Joker. One of the greatest arch-villains of all time. Yeah. I want to be killed by some smiling white people. Oh, man. The idea of someone just loving to murder

is so much more frightening than somebody having to murder. Yeah, someone unsure about murdering is better than someone just like, oh, should I be doing this? I'd rather want that than a guy who's laughing the whole time. But at least you know you're going to be famous as a victim of this, you know, the Chuckler Strangler, the Chuckie Strangler, whatever it might be.

The Chuckle Strangler. Oh, man,angler. Whatever it might be. The Chuckle Strangler. Oh, man, that letter that Albert Fish wrote to that girl's family. Yeah, well, we've been watching a lot of serial murderer... I love serial killers. I love... It's so interesting. If you had to get murdered by one of the famous

serial killers, who are you going to choose between Bundy, BTK, Jeffrey Dahmer, or let's give you Albert Fish. I mean, no. I'm going to go ahead and answer your first question. It's going to obviously be Ted Bundy because I feel like Ted Bundy at least made me, it would make me feel pretty before I was dead. Before he rapes you

with a hairspray bottle. He chose me out of the sorority house. Then a fat girl got let into a sorority house, so he chose me, and I was pretty enough for him to at least kind of put it inside of me, half rape, half not rape. Then a fat girl got let into a sorority house, so you choose me. And I was brave enough for him to at least kind of put it inside of me, half rape, half not rape. And then kill me, and I would be fine with that. I mean, that's the thing.

I feel like Ted Bundy wouldn't like to have sex with you, though, because you would just enjoy it. And he would be like, can you stop coming and having orgasms? I'm raping you. You know I'm raping you, right? I love it. I can't get hard for this. I'm sorry. You like it too much.

Just a tip. Just a tip. Not the whole thing. I'm good at acting, though. It's fine. No, don't. Ow. Ow.

Come back. I'll fake it, Ted. Come back. I don't like it. I'm sorry. The moment's lost. I can't. I'm going to go right across the street and rape your sorority sister.

What's a famous female serial killer? A monster is the only one. I can't. I'm gonna go right across the street and rape your sorority sister. What's a famous female serial killer? A monster is the only one, but I can't even think of her. Eileen Wuornos. She's a good killer. Man, oh man, she fucking uh, she like. No, no, Florida, bro. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Truck driver. She fucking raped dudes in a fucking crowbar.

Yeah, lesbian prostitute used to take dudes who would pay money to bang her and beat the shit out of her, then she'd just murder them because she was gigantic. She was like Ben Big. Yeah, like Ben Big. I like that. I'm very happy because my father was a truck driver.

It's very possible I could have been a truck driver, and if I was a truck driver and I passed her on the street, it is 100% possible I would pick her up. Because that is a nice, beastly woman. It would definitely, absolutely happen. You're just like me.

Come now. And then I, oh, come now, come now to me. And then she comes in. Oh, hello, how are you? And then she's,

oh, how are you? And then we fuck each other. And then, oh my God, I guess she'd probably kill me. But it's Florida, so she wouldn't even do it. She'd be like,

mm-mm, nah, you ain't getting in these pants. Exactly. Mm, I'm too big for you. I think it's really creepy so she wouldn't even do it. She'd be like, nah, you ain't getting in these pants. Exactly. I'm too big for you. I think it's really creepy if I was to be raped by a crowbar by a woman. If at one point I just turn around and go, what you thinking? I think she'd be so crumped.

What I hate is that she raped him with a crowbar up the ass. Like, if you're gonna fucking rape a man with a crowbar, put it up his fucking urethra. No, she got raped with a crowbar. Oh, I'm sorry for that.

I remember when I saw the... But she should have done that, though. Right? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Dang. When I saw the movie in the theater,

it was packed out. It was at the... Monster. Monster, yeah. At least the Ron got it to put that show. Late date movie. I hate that. That was Lady. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, it's in the monster. Charlize Theron. Late date movie. I hate that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, it's in the movie. She's getting raped with the crowbar and it's like it's completely silent in there

and I had to break the tension. I was with my buddy and I was like, hey, pass the Milky Ways. That's hilarious. Can you wait?

I mean it's just unfortunate That they cast Shirley Starrin To play that role though Because she's beautiful One time in Hollywood They finally could have Employed an ugly woman

Which doesn't really exist No but how fucking Bomb ass was she That she could fucking Do that shit man She was creepy Yeah Put on makeup

And be a terrible woman Yes That is like every woman In 40 years She got fat as fuck For that role bro She put on lots of weight To me that doesn't seem like every woman in 40 years. She got fat as fuck for that role, bro. She put on lots of weight. To me, that doesn't seem like a difficult thing to do.

She got some big ass face for that role, yo. No, she didn't. They were ugly and flappy. They were flappy, man. She did not get fat right. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. She takes a shower in it.

It's fucking gross. Yeah, it's no fun. There's no masturbation going on. Isn't she wearing a bodysuit? Or you think that's actually her bod? No, no. She actually, you know, she definitely gained the weight for it. Is it a flappy titty suit? Yeah.

God, she looked bad in that movie. I think a lot of girls are into that now, getting those flappy titty suits, man. Just driving around being like, this is me in 20 years. You want to rape this? You want to rape this? Really? Flappy titty right here. I did jack off to that film The Clumps a few times.

I'm quite fond of those Klumpy movies. That movie's named after what's left when Ben's watching the movie afterwards. Yeah, just Klumps of semen. You got cottage cheese come? Yeah, absolutely. That sounds really healthy, actually. Having cottage cheese come? Yes. If it's lumpy, that's when you're healthy.

All this fluid. You've got to have pieces of potential baby. Fluids for the birds. Life is a baby next time. I want to go and chew that shit. A little hair. It'd be hilarious if you start coming clumps and you just look at your balls

and there's an expiration date that says December 11th, 2009 and you're like, I'm fucking old. I'm done. Well, I haven't came for a while. My chin's spoiled. For two years. There's an eyeball in here. I don't know how babies... Good thing I stumbled upon the clumps here on USA.

Let's take care of something here. Every time Ben comes, it looks like he sneezed. Yeah. It's a spray. That's why I'm always saying God bless you. God bless you, Ben. Well, I got a Florida story for everyone. Finally! Finally, Florida.

This is out of St. Petersburg. Owners of a Florida internet company are being sued for paying homeless men $50 to be filmed while women beat the shit out of them in dominatrix fetish videos. Oh, wow. Yeah, exactly. This has been done. No, no. Well, this is bum sex fights.

They just pay really pretty girls to beat the fuck out of them. $50. Not too bad. It's fine. I mean, how many hours do they have to get beat up for? Probably just an hour or something, right? Well, they are getting broken ribs, dislocated jaws, limps, bruises, split lips.

But here's the thing. They sell the videos for $900 each. Oh, okay. They're only getting 50. They're the stars. Yeah, sheepites.net. Wait, they're not. Oh, okay. They're like $50. They're the star. Yeah, sheepites.net. Wait, they're not getting hard, though. Like, is this for their pleasure whatsoever?

No, no, no. This is for Mayor Bloomberg. He probably is the number one subscriber to these videos. I'm sure he has a secret cellar room that he just beats off to nasty, nasty things. This is some real videodrome shit.

I like this, man. I'm glad this is starting to go down. We're going to start to see some real good television in the next couple years no man it's like Clockwork Orange man it's fucked up

I mean is it illegal for them to do it because they're paying the guys money and I assume they say yes and then it's not like illegal to be into S&M

it is illegal to do it apparently I think oh go ahead I don't know go ahead I just like the idea of like this homeless guy

getting beaten and fucked and everything and then he's just like the idea of this homeless guy getting beaten and fucked and everything. And then he's just like, it's a living. That's all, folks. It was justified. Oh, he's got a point. He puts soup on the old beard, you know.

And by the way, that's how homeless people eat. They pour soup on their beard and eat it for the next week. Just suck on their beard. I mean, it makes sense. A lot of them don't have teeth. They all have beards and they never have teeth. What these people are being persecuted for is hate crimes. Not persecuted,

prosecuted for is hate crimes. Against homeless people? They're breaking hate crime legislation. I don't even understand it. I don't understand it either. Are the girls wearing sexy outfits? They're usually wearing gym clothes. Eddie?

She's in a tube top and white spandex pants. Her face is covered, though, unfortunately. I wanted to see how hot she was. She looks pretty hot, though. She looks like Julia. What would you rather see a woman, though, that

at least the guy's tied up with a gag in his mouth? Is the guy just homeless on the street? No, he's in a hotel room, it looks like. Oh, that's fine. But see, wait, Ben, you've enjoyed some kind of porn with the hurting of the women a little bit there. Well, no, I don't.

Well, not like S&M. The S&M, I've seen it. Sasha Gregg and her face that pushed in the toilet. Oh, in the toilet. Yeah, sure enough. Wait, that got you off? What's that? That got you off?

Oh, yeah, yeah, totally. Her face in a toilet? Yeah, because it's fucking filthy. Her face should not be in a toilet. If I was there on scene, I'd be like, oh my god, guys, gotta get that face out of the toilet. That's bad. Were they fucking her while her face was in the toilet?

Yeah, she was like, make me your toilet. Make me your gutter slut. I mean, at least she's asking for it. Yeah, exactly. Are they prosecuting these women? No, no, no. They're prosecuting the producers. What kind of with the homeless people? No, no, no, no. They're prosecuting the producers. What kind of woman would say yes?

No, no, no, no. Why? To beat the shit out of some homeless guy that's getting paid to do it? Why not do that? I mean, I realize that actors are very needy people. What, you're saying don't prosecute them? No, I'm saying, if they're not, if they're, like, they're probably all strippers, I imagine, or almost homeless themselves.

Well, here's what they say. This is a quote from the site. We offer semi-competitive and competitive wrestling, MMA, and kickboxing sessions, as well as beatdowns, which we really love. We also make custom videos to your specifications. We are located in St. Petersburg, Florida. Well, that sounds beautiful. Oh, God. Have you ever been to St. Petersburg, Florida?

So many letters. Oh, God. Have you ever been to St. Petersburg, Florida? So many letters. I did for a wedding. Oh, God. It's the worst. I makes me want to fucking blow my brains out. Mott's Venus. They're like street dwellers if they're on their way somewhere. They're like, are we homeless yet? You know, because they have no home.

Are we homeless yet? They'll turn this box around. Jerry, why are you... stop pretending we're driving. I'm just saying that the people that are paying these girls should be prosecuted. They are. These girls should not be prosecuted. No, no, they're not prosecuting the girls. I think the girls are the ones that are doing everything wrong.

The homeless man is just getting 50 bucks. The producers are just creating a product that people love. She's beating the fucking shit out of some homeless dude. He's getting paid to beat the shit out of this homeless dude. The homeless dude is getting paid to get the shit beat out of him. What the fuck is the difference?

And here's the thing. The homeless guys don't get paid the 50 bucks until they make it 12 minutes. $50 for 12 minutes of work. See, that's a long time. That's a really long time. That's really easy. $6.75 an hour.

Busting my hump out there. You get your balls busted at first. Yeah, that's the ultimate double dare. That's the thing. They double dog dare them to get through 12 minutes. That's all it would take for KB. Kevin, double dog dare you and a dollar. I've done a lot of things for a dollar, man.

There's homeless guys going through this pro bono. Yeah, they're not. They don't turn this down. Yeah, if they're aware of what's going on, it should be straight. They're mostly crack addicts. Yeah. I mean, so if you're high on crack, you don't really feel when your balls are getting pummeled. And the two guys that they interviewed, the two homeless guys,

one of them has autistic tendencies and has a hard time following logic, and the other one has an extremely low IQ. That would make sense. They used the same two guys all the time? These were two regulars. I was healed, baby. Come on, man. These guys are stars. They came back.

These are guys that, time and again, would go and get the shit beat out of them. Hold on. MMA fighters, I mean, going back to that, what were we going to say? This is a different level, though. Are they homeless? Are they retarded?

Are these people with mentally disorders that they're beating the shit out of and they're like, there you go, shut any rot. They're beating up retarded homeless guys. They're like, there you go. Yeah. They're beating up retarded homeless guys. I mean, how retarded are they? How retarded are they? Because they're like 12 minutes of work getting my balls punched for 50 bucks?

Hell yeah. Yeah, they see what's going on. That's so much ice cream. They pay you in crickets or $50? I do like crickets. I don't know. I could talk to the crickets. I can't talk to the $50? I do like crickets. I don't know. I could talk to the crickets. I can't talk to the $50 bill. Can we just stop all this and talk about

triangles? These are getting hit by strippers, too. They're probably not even getting hit that hard. The only reason why their bones are breaking is because they're homeless. They don't drink milk. Malnourished. They got those injuries before they got in those fights, I think. At least now they're going. They don't drink milk. Malnourished. They had those injuries before they got in those fights, I think.

At least now they're going to the doctor. Well, I mean, the people that did it, they're saying that these guys signed releases. They've come back many times. I'm kind of thinking like, no, I don't know. I said let it go down. Let the whole thing go down.

I think this is one of those nanny state situations. Why can't a homeless man take a job that you wouldn't necessarily want to do? It's a monetary thing. He's got a job. This is all about stimulating the economy. This is Obama's America getting people back to work. Do you honestly think Obama really read that whole release and then signed it? They just take the crayon that they're given and they just mark it and they trace their hand

and they make the turkey and then they're like, that's official. What it comes down to is a homeless man's life is pretty fucking boring. Not much shit happens, you know? I mean, this is an opportunity for them to say, oh man, some crazy shit went down with me on Tuesday. You know, let's talk about it.

You know, that keeps it for like a week. They come back, you know? I'm not for this, because once again, this is another example. You're not? I know. This is another example. This is another example of homeless people taking our jobs. Those are jobs that could go to some able-bodied weirdos that could really use it.

And then these homeless people keep taking all our jobs. Undercutting. This might honestly get these crackheads discounts on the drugs on the street. They get recognized by some of the dealers. Hey, man. Are you in a... Oh, my God. I saw your balls.

Get beat up. None of those balls anywhere. He's at my dick, man. Are you homeless? A star struck another homeless guy. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I can't believe it's you.

Yo, you gotta suck my dick, man. Man, you got it, please. My cousins, they're not gonna believe this. Yo, I got a son. I can't see my son, but you totally respect me if you suck my dick right now. I wanna see my kids, man. Can you sign the inner lining of my asshole? If rock stars are asked

to sign and autograph boobs, what is this guy asked to autograph? Flappy titties from under titty. Yeah, lift it up and then sign under there. Sign my tits, please. It bends over. Oh, that's nasty. The under flap tip.

Well, criminally, the two guys that they talked to that were the quote unquote victims, one of them has been charged with theft, criminal mischief, and simple battery. The other one has been charged with burglary, robbery, and dealing in stolen property. The owner of sheepites.net, no criminal record. Really? Yeah. Well, fuck him. What do you think about that? It was a simple battery.

It was just a simple battery. It was complicated battery. It was like an elaborate battery. You all said these guys were autistic a little bit, didn't you? One of them is slightly autistic and has a hard time following logic. Well, I don't think he did pull it off

because he got charged with all of it. Oh, he got caught. Yeah, he got caught. That's true. That's a good point. Yeah, he didn't pull anything off. But speaking of crime,

we got a segment from Holden McNeely. Oh, yeah. Cop stories. Who's got them? Here's the theme song. Wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo.

Bad boys, what you gonna, what you gonna do Oh fucker When they come for you Okay What is the actual segment Oh it's a cop story

Tell the stories of times you've dealt with cops In many various ways I personally don't have any I've lived a good life. I'm an honest man. Anytime a police officer has stopped me in the street, it's just to say hello

and to go on my merry way. Hello, sir. Hello to you, too. Hello to you, too. I'm kind of in the same boat as Holden here. I have nothing but pleasant dealings with cops. I mean, it's also in Texas. I mean, are there even...

I thought Texas was a lawless state. Oh, hell, even in New York. You know, I'll walk up to... I've walked up to cops on more than one occasion on mushrooms to ask them directions. Oh, yeah. I love doing it, man. It's so much fun. It's great. Oh, this is going to be... This is great.

My ex-girlfriend at the time, back home, and we were... We wanted to have sex, but my grandma was home. So I was like, I don't want to go to my grandma. It sounds like it's going to get horrible. Oh, my God. I can't believe this leads to an arrest. I'm so glad. We didn't fuck my grandma.

That's not how it ends, y'all. That's completely legal if you didn't. This is what happened. Me and Max Gold, we went off to the school. It's always involved with school, by the way. And went off to the school it's always involved with school by the way and we go to the

you know the trailers you know most schools have outside you know for the not so gifted people so it was after hours like 12 o'clock

at midnight and we go inside these trailers and we're about to do it hard and then Jesus hard

I can't do it soft not that soft shit. We're going to come outside for nothing. We're going to fuck. Then I noticed that, you know. Is that how I'm going to tell girls I'm going to fuck them? I'm going to fuck.

You're going to fuck. My soft dick. My dick's soft. I'm going to roll that thing up and spam it in there. You're not even hot enough for me to get hard over. That is the most insulting way to have sex with a woman. Hardcore, flaccid.

That sounds rapey. Gotta get made. There's an emotion sensor on this corner of the wall, right? It's still on and it's blinking red and when it's red i mean or green it means like you are fucking her good no go go go he's going at it so the cops come basically and um all i hear is a siren uh and people yell out get out of the building get out of the building and we're like oh shit zip up and then uh we get out of the trailer there's this black there's always a black cop who

wants to kill other black people for some reason in our neighborhood he has his gun right in my face like like he really wanted to shoot me jesus like i was like like i look like a criminal like i look like somebody was like i had like i like i was armed or something he was like oh i wish you had a gun on you because i was gonna he looked real like he wanted good like I had like I like I was armed or something He's like oh, I wish you had a gun on you He looked real like he wanted to kill me so he's like get on the ground and his white kid the white cop was like You chopped down down man. It's cool kids, but he's okay. All right. I was gonna make sure First me and my girl she was 17 at the time. I was 18. It was she was turning 18 that year don't wasn't raping nobody. No, no, no. You don't get it. Oh, well, you had to judge me or nothing. No, yeah, we don't give a fuck what you've done.

Only 17? Shut up. Shut up with that shit. I don't usually get with old women. It was too late to go to jail for some reason and they just gave me community service hours. She got off easy and I didn't. Oh, yeah, she did. She was a 17 year old girl and i look like the bad guy of course her mom hated me and i had to go to the wyoming

city to community service hours for like didn't they see you too cute that's why i was like i know i just wanted to fuck i wanted to fuck that's all i wanted to do i wasn't a raven no bob i just really just wanted to fuck if my daughter came home with you i would just shake your hand and say wow i can't believe you can handle her. I am proud of you. I am proud of you, Megan. My daughter is fucking Kevin Barnett. I can't believe it.

I used to know Kevin. He looks different now. I just can't believe that punishment, the probate, you had to do community service hours. They sent you to the Young Men's Christian Academy? Why are you not picking up shit off the street? Why are you going to the fucking gymnasium?

It's funny you say that. Go play basketball. Learn your lesson. 40 hours of dodgeball for you, sir. God damn it. Dodgeball again. I hate that fucking sport.

They never asked while I was there. They never asked how I got to the YMCA to do community service. I just think it's hilarious as a punishment, assuming that you were an actual criminal, which you're not,

but they just sent you to where the children are. Well, you've been arrested. You've obviously done something where you virtually raped a 17-year-old gal in public. And go take care of the kids. Kids. Exactly. I was 18 at the time. I didn't understand how weird that was. But I was just like, I think I need to go to jail.

You know what I mean? I was doing that stuff. No one asked why I was there, but I was just like, I think I need to go to jail. You know what I mean? That's terrible. You know what I mean? So I was doing that stuff. No one asked why I was there, but there was this creepy-ass janitor who was my supervisor. I had to clean the whole time, by the way. And he knew while I was there,

but he looked really like one of those pedophile-looking dudes. And we never talked about it, but he nodded a lot like, hey, man. Just watching you clean and smile and shit. See you into that stuff.

Right. You're real smiling shit, huh? Smiling at somebody else like me, man. Oh, thank God. I'm assuming, you know, pedophiles are probably the loneliest people around. They just can't tell anybody what they love. Like Dexter. Like Dexter.

Finally, someone like me is out there. Oh, thank God. Just black kids doing women that young. It was so weird, man. And that's not a good ending to this story. No, it's great. Barnett, what do you got? Honestly, nothing, man.

I was saying before, guys have been genuinely nice to me. Like, it's been weird. I felt like I should have been discriminated against at this point in my life. You feel bad like you can't relate to other black people? I feel guilty. Lucky doesn't love you so much. You need to bleach yourself. I love it.

I'll come right off. Has anybody ever seen a cop beat up someone before? I got beat up by the cop once. You got beat up by a cop? Yeah. That was a big... I got pulled over for driving while black. And by black, I mean drunk.

It was awful. That was in my Mercury Sable. I got pulled over in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, the university's parking lot for tailgating, which I was not doing. I was completely driving fine, considering how wasted I had driven before that in my life. The fact that I got a DUI on this bullshit one

was kind of like, you guys fucking chose the wrong one. Because I'm barely, barely even going to kill anybody at this stage. Barely even? They don't look at it that way. No, they don't. So I get pulled over. I see the cop's lights go on. I'm with like three other people.

I start slamming down this Domino's pizza, thinking that that would help me somehow. I'm 380 pounds. To hide the beer smell? It comes up to the window. I'm 380 pounds. To hide the beer smell? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It comes up to the window. You're just pizza coming out of your mouth. I'm plowing through it, man. I literally went through like three slides.

Don't match that beer smell. Yeah. And then they got me out of the car, and I was like, this is probably the fattest I ever was, so I was like hugely fat. And they were like, you know,

say the alphabet backwards. So are you sure that wasn't just an excuse to eat a bunch of pizza real quick? I just was happy to eat the pizza. I'm not going to lie to you. I loved it. And so I finally get out of the car. I stand up.

And they say, say the alphabet backwards. And I was like, man, I don't even know how to say the alphabet forwards. And then they were like, okay, well, legally, apparently, if you say that, they can't make you say it and use it against you. So then they said, all right, fine, walk a straight line. And then I said, you know, man, I can't walk a fucking straight line sober, let alone how drunk I am right now, because I was so fat. And then so they're like, all right. And then they went to my trunk of the car, and they opened up my trunk.

They asked me to open the trunk for some reason. And my laundry bag that I had just jammed in there just pops out and flies all over the driveway there. So I had to pick all of that stuff up. I left my car. I went to the hospital to give blood. There was a child in there with his mother. He said, what did he do, Mommy? What did he do?

And she said, something very bad. And then he started crying, and I started crying, and I gave blood. It was the worst. You gave blood? Why did you give blood? For the official DUI test. Because they don't use the breathalyzer. I think that was actually my most extreme getting arrested.

Other than that, small pee-pee violations and drinking in public. And I still have a drinking in public out right now, which I am petrified of going to jail for. Yeah, I was there for that one. Yeah, I haven't paid it. Yeah, I figured not. It was over a year ago, so I don't even know how to go about paying it. I don't see how you get caught so much, man. I drink in public all the time.

You're lucky. I don't buy drinks at the bar. You don't pee in public. That's the thing. I do that also. You also pee in public. Yeah, I pee and drink in public as well. Yeah.

I mean, I smoke. I drink my pee in public. Yeah, that's actually fine, though. That's what I'm able to do. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that. That's actually completely legal. By the way, pay phones, those are just outdoor bathrooms now. Yeah, the toilet.

You go up to it and pee and you walk out on your way. I mean, you can hide in the cover of night. I am so white that I'm just a beacon. You're huge, too. You're like a lighthouse. Exactly. With red hair. They can see me from the moon and they're just like, I think he's drinking outside.

Then they call and they get something going and they're immediately busted. How about you, Better? Are you getting any cop experience? I've been arrested like six or seven times. That's insane! Really? Yeah, I look into your eyes and I believe it. It's crazy.

And I've had more cop run-ins than even that. Those are just the times they took me. And it's funny. One time I sat down and tried to write down all the times I got arrested and there's like ones I couldn't remember

I had to call buddies you know it was like you're never sober when you get arrested it's hard to remember yeah it's never like well I was walking my dog

and next thing you know I was raping Jamaica I don't know I raped the country of Jamaica I don't know I guess I can only talk about... The craziest ones were like... I drove my car into a house once.

No, no, explain that. What happened? See, that was the time I got maced by a police officer. I'll do the house one. That's pretty crazy. I was in high school. I was coming home and it was after a football game. Went to my buddy's house.

Had one beer. Always is. And I drove home and I came it was up. It was a hill. Top of the hill. It was a big curve and I knew a cop always sat there. But I just, you know, I was an idiot. I was an idiot high school kid.

I was still going 10 miles and over anyway and blew right by him. And I saw him. And then I go to the bottom of the hill and around the curve, and I look up, and he's just then starting to pull out. And I had an instantaneous decision. All right, keep in mind, I had gotten a speeding ticket about three months before that. And as a high school kid, like, I had to work speeding ticket about three months before that. And as a high school kid, like, I had to work three months to pay off that ticket. It's the worst. And I was like,

I don't want to go through that again. I was like, fuck it. So I floored it. And, uh, cause I was like, I was like, and I sped up because he was, it was, the curve was so sharp and he was, like, super high and I was like, I think I can get away. So I floored it and then i

fucking get to an intersection i fucking slam on the brakes and just fucking turn left go up to subdivision turn my lights off and just floor it up the subdivision you know and i'm like going up and i was like there's no way he saw me there's no way he saw me go in here right and i'm driving up i'm just i'm driving up this fucking street it's like two in the morning whatever and i look back and the cop got to the intersection. And he stopped. And he was there for like a decent beat. And you could tell that he was just kind of, he just guessed.

And then he went left. You know? Damn! So I floored even harder. And I keep going. And I get to a giant curb in the subdivision. And I hit the brakes. It wasn't enough.

My car slid. Now think in slow motion. This is how it all happened. There was a fire hydrant. My car hits a fire hydrant. That's fucked, right? I fucking thread the needle. I go off the road. I get off the road. I'm going through a front yard now uh which is always

an interesting point in your life uh and and i i go i just i barely missed the fire hydrant and there's a giant oak tree i barely missed the oak tree and then i just i didn't miss the house slammed right uh right into the house cop later told me that he goes, you know, you got away. And I was turning because I was like, I'm not chasing a guy through a subdivision. But then I heard the screech and the thump and I turned around, you know. So I got away. You had him. I got him, yeah.

It was crazy, though, because, like, I mean, like, my car went, I'd say, like, a good foot of the car was, like, inside the house. Thank God the family was in Florida. I don't know why that keeps coming back. Oh, my God. They were in Florida for vacation, and it was, like, it was some kid's room. Oh, my God. It could have been worse. It could have been the worst.

It might be the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, that there was nobody in there. How much did that cost? It was, I had to pay back $3,000. Oh, that's it? That's not terrible. It's a house. I thought it would be, like, more than that. How was your car?

Oh, the car, you know, it was the family car. Still pushing? But, like, that cop, he drove back up. And I'm sitting there, like, I'm in the, you know, car. And I'm trying to hit reverse. I'm still thinking I can get away. We pulled you over because you have a house on your hood. Is there a problem, officer?

That would have been the family car that would have killed a baby. Is that what that is? It was like the kid's bed was right on the other side of the wall. So thank goodness. But the officer comes up and I'm still in the car. At that point, the car. So thank goodness. Oh my God. Officer comes up and I'm still in the car and I, at that point, the car won't get out

and I'm just like freaking out at this point because I was just in a high speed, you know. Yeah. That's it for me. And then he comes out

and he pulls a gun at me and I'm like, ah, I don't know what's happening. Oh God, I know. And I got like, and everyone was like,

well, I don't want to pay $85 for a ticket, you know. Right. And like, I got tickets for fucking the was like, it was all like, well, I don't want to pay $85 for a ticket, you know? Right. And like, I got tickets for fucking the, like, evading police officers, all the stop signs in the subdivision I blew through, the original ticket. The original, I'll tell you what, three grand for what you did isn't really that much of a punishment. It makes me want to kind of like burn, you know?

Like go out there and see what I can fucking get done. Save up some money. Have some fun for once. I'm paying $5,000 off for a credit card and you nearly killed people. That's fucking weird, man. Fucking America, yo. What about you, Jackie? What do you got? I think that

one of the few times that a police officer was so fucking wrong in fucking Florida, how many times that fucking happens. I mean, my father was a retired New City police officer gonna fucking put that in. Oink, oink, piggy. He's not a fucking pig. He's a fucking real-ass police officer as opposed

to fucking what you see in fucking Florida. That's a real nigga, yo. That's a fucking shore, man. And I was in Tallahassee and I was driving my buddy's place. I had been drinking, sure, but I showed up to his place and I tried to get in when he wasn't there to try to

fucking go in through the window. A cop had been parked across the street because he had followed me home and fucking saw me trying to break in and thought I was breaking in. I happened to have a crowbar in my bag and had nothing to do with... I had not done

anything with the crowbar. It was for a fucking sketch show. He fucking patted me down, like, touched me way too long in way too many fucking places and then told me that my eyes looked weird. He's like, what do you got? He's like, what is wrong with your eyes?

I have contacts in. He's like, take them out and throw them on the ground. He made me take out my contacts and throw them on the ground. It was definitely like, yeah, it was very much like that. He's like, I don't believe you. So I had to take them out and throw them on the ground.

It's very expensive. That's the thing. And he went through my car and he found like a bottle of Tylenol and he took out every pill and threw it on the ground. It's very expensive. That's the thing. And he went through my car and he found like a bottle of Tylenol and he took out every pill and threw it on the ground. He's like, what's this? What's this? It was all the same fucking thing. It was all Tylenol in a fucking bottle of Tylenol. What the fuck is this Tylenol in? This guy is so

patient. No, it was like so, it was. A bored cop. Nothing is more fucking terrifying. It was like 45 minutes of him like fucking with me and like flicking my hair and shit it was just him he had no partner he was just literally fucking with me for so long was he wearing a cop outfit or yeah he was i wish i would have been fine with that. If you just wanted to fuck me, that's fine. But he didn't.

He just wanted to make me feel weird. Wow, that's terrifying. You're going to fuck away. That was the thing. I would rather him, I'd almost rather him just rape me than fucking go through all of my things and waste my time. I just organized. That's when the cops in Tallahassee just completely inept.

They don't know shit about anything. I told him, I showed the federal order of police card that I've got from my father. He's like, oh, yeah, whizzy whiz. He's like, oh, now he's in New York. Called my father, and my dad,

I don't know what the fuck my dad said to him. I'll tell you, you fucking got in his car and left, though. That is awesome. All right, Eddie, what about you? I remember this one time I was arrested for selling weed. It's not really the whole story. The quick part of that story is they came in, they shot a dog and all that. That's not the part of the story I want to tell.

I want to tell the part of the story is when you know, they came in, they shot a dog and all that. That's not the part of the story I want to tell. I want to tell the part of the story is that when I got into jail, when they check you, they're like, alright, they're checking you for shit. They're like, alright, bend over and cough. And I was like, cough? I was like, talk? Because I thought he said

talk. And he's like, no, cough. And I thought he said talk again. So I'm like sitting there holding my asshole up and I'm like, hey, uh, how you doing? Hi-yo! What's going on? He's like, no, cough. I was like, oh!

He's like, alright, put your clothes on. That's amazing. I think that's going to have to wrap up this beautiful episode of Roundtable. Gentlemen, thank you Nick Vanneroth, Jermaine Fowler, Matt Martinez. It was nice to have you in here. Great to be here.

I liked your overall presence and your aura was unbelievably fantastic. Jackie Zebrowski, Ed Larson, Marcus Parks, Holden McNeely, Kevin Burnett. I am Ben Kissel. Chow time. Chow time? Chow time. I am really liking it. I am loving it.

All right. Fuck you, man. I almost won. Damn. I am loving it fuck you awesome