The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 4: Barnett Gets Fucked Up

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

He talked shit for two weeks and the day of reckoning has finally come for Mr. Kevin Barnett. Tune in to see if he holds to his claim that he can drink as much Coors Original as he wants, cuz Banquets are for pussies.

Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, I'm your host Ben Kissel, and with us as always... I'm Jackie Zebrowski. Jackie Zebrowski. Holder McNeely, going niggas. Ritz! Going nuts! Yeah, I'm Kevin Barnett, Thug Life, Tupac forever. Oh, you are certainly Thug... Stop trying to pretend like you're black, Tupac forever. Oh, you are certainly a thug.

Stop trying to pretend like you're black, Kevin. Damn it. We all know that you're white. I saw a video. Just so the audience knows, Barnett is halfway through his eight tall boy challenge of Coors because he swore on the last episode he would never get wasted off a Coors beer, so this is the test. Currently, he's failing.

Ed Larson is not here. We have a stand in. Introduce yourself, Mr. Porky Bottoms. Porky Bottoms. Porky Bottoms in the house. I'm on tour. I'm up at the Chuckle Slut. I play up there all the time. Yeah, you can do the Chuckle Slut. It's a good place. Absolutely. I'm Henry Zebrowski. Henry Zebrowski. Henry, why are you here? I mean, obviously, you are replacing Ed Larson for a reason. Well, Ed had some pretty dire surgery that he went through. And I know it's been briefly described as some sort of hernia surgery. Transsexual situation.

Transsexual situation. Actually, what happened was is that he had a criminal sex drive. happened was is that um he had a criminal sex drive and what he's getting is a lowering of a sex drive surgery because he's just been humping couches he made love to the refrigerator he tried to put his dick in my belly button well you see and that's the thing because it was also dark here you did the last podcast in the dark is it illegal i thought the belly button i thought you could put your penis in anything but the v but but the A, but the mouth. Belly button's okay in my book. Well, technically it's not sex.

No, and also the belly button will spread around the dick, so I feel like it's okay. Absolutely. I have a very deep belly button with my recent weight loss as of ten years ago. I can get my entire middle finger in there. It's a real six-inch gaper. I don't even understand that. I have to admit, I've beaten off to fucking your belly button, Ben. It's a thing that happens.

I'm a man. You're a man, but that thing's a vagina. I don't care any way you cut it. That thing's a wet pussy. It is a dictionary definition of a vagina. If I was a Persian like our friend Sina John, I'd have a very hairy belly button vagina, but I don't. I just have a nice Nordic felt swimmer's vagina.

You got it bleached and all taken out, right? It's like a fjord. It's like a crevasse in a mountain. It's icy, I'm pretty sure. At least last time I touched it. I'll tell you right now, I keep trying to talk, but I'm burping a lot. You're going through a time right now, Kevin.

You're having issues, bro. Yeah, this is a thing that's happening. It's a Willy Wonka moment. It could save your life one day, the need to belch. You never know when it's going to happen. Kevin, how are you feeling? Do you feel like the Coors are making you drunker, or are they making you more sober? Oh, fuck that, man.

Because, all right, the Coors come with her pussy ass 5 point, what is it, 5.1% alcohol. It was a 5.1. These motherfuckers talking about 5% alcohol contact. Fuck that shit. I was drinking eight of these. I'm on four right now. You know what? When were you drinking?

Kevin, you're fine. When were you drinking eight of those? When was I? All right, I've been drinking. I've drank four for the past 45 minutes. I'm on three and like.75 right now. How many ounces of beer is that? At the end of the day, that's like 190.

I forgot the last number. It's fine. It's 192. 192. It's called brunch. That's what I call it. 192. And you know what?

I feel fucking, because these stupid motherfuckers are like, hey, you can't drink more than 40s. And I'm like, no, fuck you. Because you know what? I'm out here on these streets every day. You've been out in the streets. This is the situation going on with you right now. You are already the drunkest I've ever seen.

You know what? Fuck you, Marcus, because I've been way drunker than this. You see me out there. I am hollering at everything. Right now, I'm in control. Henry Zabrowski, this is my boy. Yeah. You could fly a plane right now.

We talk on the internet. We have. Sometimes I'll be at home. I'll be like, no, I'm watching CNN right now. Henry, I am me about some shit. I'll be like, oh, shit. My boy is I am me right now. Henry, I am me about some shit. I'm like, oh shit, my boy is I am me right now. Let's talk.

I'm sure Henry is not the boy of anyone. No, no, no. This is my boy right now. You don't understand how I talk, where I'm from. You're from a different place. He's from where I come from. That was a Joe Biden reference. Everyone like it?

Joe Biden, everybody. Everyone like that? Hey, fuck that nigga named Joe Biden. What I'm saying is. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Political opinion. Hey, wait. If anybody wants to know where Kevin Barnett's from, he's from an art school in Florida.

All the street talk, just to let you know, is not right. The streets were paved with gold and they had happy hours and white chicks with huge bosoms all over them. Okay, all right. Well, that was a period of my life, all right? But I'm from Miami, all right? And I live in my middle school. This is a fucking middle school. So how were your mother and your father growing up?

They were great middle class loving parents. Mine was a truck driver and I can have 11 40s in three hours. So I'm speaking to you there, Kevin. You're also almost seven feet tall and you're a monster of a human. Yeah, you're not us. Kevin, you're six...

I tried to wear FUBU. I just couldn't get the zipper up. It rejected me for some reason. Like some sort of poltergeist. You ain't us. You ain't been on these streets. You know what I'm saying? I'm on the corner of Borough Myrtle and Wyckoff all day.

On that corner. I'm not there. I'm on every block. You keep talking shit about the streets. What streets? Okay. And by the way, I do like food. Like Forrest Bias.

It's like, I never wanted to wear that. You can have that one. It's kind of one of those things that kind of got reversed. It's for you. It's by you. That's fine. It's for you guys. It's like, I eat shit for me, by me.'s for you. It's by you. That's fine. It's for you guys. It's like, I eat shit for me, by me.

And it's like, oh, fantastic. That's great. I'll tell you what, that wasn't a good business plan. But, I mean, all right. So, yeah, I grew up in Miami. But Miami Lakes, which is a soft-ass part of Miami. But let me tell you how I went to Norlin. And in Norlin, I was there.

I was only there for middle school. Is that your uncle's house, or is that New Orleans? No, Norlin, I was there. It was only there for middle school. Is that your uncle's house or is that New Orleans? No, New Orleans is a middle school in Miami. But there was a fucking drive-by at a middle school. How do you do that? How do you have a drive-by? There was a drive-by at a middle school. You know the shit I saw in New Orleans?

Half these kids were like 18. There was a fucking drive-by. Kids would go out there. It was a playground in the morning before school starts. Just with super soakers? Yeah, they would sell iguanas for 25 cents. That was the big thing. It was like, yo, I got some of these.

Why are they getting these hot iguanas? I don't know. I don't know. But it was like, oh, I got these iguana eggs. Saw you, my buddy. These iguana eggs. It was like the day after the field trip to the zoo. That's like the film Shakey's Gun in the West.

Don Nazi to iguana burrito and vomit. He's like, this is amazing. I love it. And they're like like it's iguana they were selling iguana eggs for 25 cents and i was like sixth grade i didn't know what an egg i thought eggs were just like chicken eggs iguana eggs are soft but this ain't no fucking egg what are you doing trying something he's a guana egg i wanted some iguanas but i didn't buy it from them because these eggs were soft i'm like you're trying to hustle me right now and that's what

we would do on the playground and one day there was hustle me right now. Pussy iguanas, yeah. And that's what we would do on the playground, and one day there was a fucking drive-by. So you just sold iguanas on the playground? I didn't sell them. Other dudes sold them. You didn't get in that fucking iguana racket? I was there, dude. Spike Lee missed this in every movie he's ever made. I never knew that that happened. This is how we were

living in Miami. And there was a fucking drive-by at our school. It was in the middle school. There was a drive-by at our school. It was in the middle school. There was a drive-by. She was trying to shoot at the playground. What was the reason? Was there some sort of understandable beef with a four-square? Algebra is very hard.

I never understood because I didn't talk to those people because I was scared of them. You got to understand that beef, man. You got to understand the beef. Yeah, it was a crazy time. Did anybody get hit in this drive-by? I think a couple kids got shot. No one died, but kids got shot know, kids got shot in like their limbs or whatever, but like.

Oh, they were just fine then. Yeah, they were fine. Did they ever like raise the iguanas and sell the meat to you though? Like that's what I really mean. What the fuck are you talking about? I was like, iguana meat! You think I was fucking some animals

because they eat some iguana meat? No, we sold them. I didn't sell them. They sold them. These are for pets. Yeah, they were for pets. I'll eat anything. That was something where, hey, you want to learn something about raising a family?

Raise these iguanas. So far we've heard the two worst business models of all time. FUBU, which is like for us, by us. They represent 10% of a population. You probably want to hit more than that. And then iguana sales. No one's buying iguana eggs. Iguana sales are up this year, man.

Are they? Yeah, I put some money in the stock market on iguana sales. Did you really? Yeah, yeah. Iguana, man. Itana sales are up this year, man. Hey, these kids are doing well. Yeah, I put some money in the stock market on Iguana sales. Did you really? Yeah, yeah, Iguana, man. It's going sky high, bro. Iguana can guard your house. Go to Miami. Tell me you won't find four or five niggas within 10 minutes with Iguanas around their shoulders.

And you see them. It's like, damn, dude. Is it for, like, intimidation purposes? No, man. It's just like, we got Iguanas. Do you want to buy some? That was advertising. With that BP oil gush, you're probably going to be the only things that are alive soon.

We just hit 10 minutes. Time for your next beer. 10 minutes. Time for my next beer. By the way, ladies and gentlemen, throughout the podcast, he's got four tall boys of Coors right now in front of him. He's got to finish all four. So every 10 minutes, he's got to finish another one.

I'm at four already. Well, no, but you have to finish the rest because eight is the deal. You've got four in front of you. Holy Jesus. You're going to turn into a redneck by the time this is all done. It's going to be amazing. You're going to get racist. You're going to be against segregation.

Go on. Four segregation. Just notice how much more confident Kevin is, too, as he gets through the beers, which I find interesting. That's his thing, baby. What are you doing right here? Don't do this. It's my sister. It's my sister.

It's a podcast. Millions of people are listening to this right now. This is all the time of my life. I listened to one episode yesterday. You got one. So, Kevin, slam that brew down. All right. You know, okay.

Fine. I'll do that I'll do that for you Dude you're already A minute and a half behind Yeah you gotta catch up You said ten minutes No more than five seconds ago It's fucking

Eleven and a half minutes now He has a clock You're drunk You have no concept of time Don't tell me I'm drunk I'm gonna drink the shit Out of these pussy ass beers It's like my friend's house

You just had a clock That like every Instead of numbers It just said party He was like my friend's house. You just had a clock that like every, instead of numbers, it just said party. He was like, what time is it? Oh, it's party time.

Like, it's annoying at seven in the morning when I was trying to go to work. I guess I didn't know it was party time and then I just skipped work and I got really drunk. Let's break into the neighbor's house and wake him up.

It's party time. It's that time of the year again. Time for me to get a felony. Let's go down and harass all the girls on the corner. It's party time. You know what? All I want you to do is say I won't go down and harass all the girls on the corner. It's party time. You know what?

All I want you to do is say I won't and I will. I'm saying you won't. No, you said I won't and I have. Henry, you haven't yet, though. That's the problem. Not yet. Listen, quit hating, Jackie. Right now, I just want you to quit hating

because all that hate don't look good on you. I'm over here trying to drink these beers, doing my service to the community. Maybe later on. What service do you think you're doing for the community right now? Perhaps to the community. I'm out here for these kids right now. Kids got to believe in themselves. On how I grew up, how I lived.

These kids, you know, it's hard right now. That would be funny if there was like a 15-year-old kid who was like, I want to get so wasted and all I drink is Coors Tallboys and he goes to the deli and they're all sold out

and had you not taken all the tallboys from that deli who would have gotten into an automobile, perhaps some sort of GMC pickup truck and killed an entire family

of Puerto Ricans. Hey, listen, Ben Kissel, I'm going to tell you right now, you're a good friend of mine and I think you interpreted that all wrong. Well, who knows?

What I'm seeing is maybe these children are like, hey, I didn't know what Gargoyles was like back in the day, that cartoon. Maybe I want to learn about it. And they're going to look at your ass in about an hour and a half when you're on top of a roof, posed like a gargoyle. Oh, look, it's Gargoyle. It's Gargoyle. My passion is these kids. Is that gargoyle pissing off the roof? It's alive.

It's a real gargoyle. That gargoyle just did seven minutes. Kevin, I think you've got to work on drinking that beer. We need to talk. For the reason that Henry Zebrowski is here today is very, very serious. Our boy Eddie Larson, you all love him from the round table. He's got the hernia, and he had the surgery, so he's all taut up right now, and that's why you're here.

And what's the deal with that, Henry? Well, right now he's horizontal on the couch couch he's got one his right testicle there's a curious phenomenon is that his right testicle has grown uh in size like while you were there right i mean he was like come check out come look at this and i said no and then. He showed it to me. He definitely showed it to me. Fool me once. Fool me once. I don't know how many times this trick. But he, apparently, it's like the size of one of these Coors Cans. He showed it to me.

It's devastating. So just the- It's like the elephant man's foot. I'm kind of jealous that I haven't seen Ed's balls yet. He'll take a picture of it. Is it just one ball that's swollen up? One ball. And why didn't it hit the left ball?

How did that work? It is something in the way. So a hernia is like this thing. It's like a saccule of intestines that pops out into the rest of your body, into the general population. It's like if Manson got out of his cell and into the yard, right? That's what a hernia is. Real quick, I'll say that the real definition of a hernia is a not to hate.

No, please. But a hernia is just when any part of your body is in a place where it should not be. Say one of your organs is moving out of a place because it's pushed out by something. What about when you stick a finger inside of your own butt? Yeah, I was going to say I had my penis inside of a homeless woman the other day. Yeah, and it's like, what a hernia. This is a bizarre hernia. It's screaming at me.

And it's very drunk, but God, it has bags and bags of cans. I'm reading future newspapers! Why did you say that to me? I'm trying to make love to you, sweet homeless woman. Always gets the crosswords right, though. I feel like the real reason we have Henry on today is because it's a well-known fact between the group.

Henry has made out and potentially, possibly dry-rubbed upon the singer-songwriter Sade. Yeah. Whoa! Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was that all about? How did that come upon you? Hold on, what's Sade's song again? I kind of forget who that is.

Smooth Operator. Smooth Operator. How did that go down? Well, she had a flat tire. Okay. On a highway. Her left breast was smaller than her right breast. It was smaller than her right that day.

It's called the old flat tire. And she was just like, hey, Smooth Operator. And I was like, my name's Henry. I know what your name is. This is back in your dirty face. This is back in your job. I was like, I don't know. Are you Shardy?

Shardy? She's like, it's Sade, baby. And then, well, she showed me her velveteen torso. Now, what is that? Okay, so she opened up. Well, she was like, can you fix this tire? And I was just like, no! Because I had seen the video

with Operator. Five ounces of silicone in there to fix that tire. Yes, and so I pumped the tire and then, well, one thing led to another. She drove away. And then he fucked her. I'm pretty sure he fucked her in front of me and my mother.

This was upstate. Yeah, where anything goes. I was 11 years old. The cat skills. The one thing I've always been around is I'm the only... I had so much ass from the ages of 10 to 13. That's not true. 10 times the amount of ass that I ever got.

It was 10 to 13. It was Sade. It was Bobby Flay's wife. Wow, really? Yeah, Regina Flay and I. Okay. I put her down. That was also upstate.

I put her down to bed after we made love in the kitchen. We made love in the kitchen. At 13? No, that's 11. That was 11 years old. I was such a cool, awesome... You always had those shades on in every picture I've seen you.

You always had those shades. My penis has also decreased in size since then. I had a Mandingo 10-inch throbbing gristle. You had tiny shades on your penis, too. You had tiny sunglasses. So what happened at 14? Well, 14, I found the love of theater and comedy. Because what he was actually doing

at 11 was sitting by himself in a room, reading books about serial killers, and having me and my mother cry because we thought he was going to go murder some fucking bitches. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. I was the coolest person in middle school.

You can ask anyone from my middle school. They were like, who's the coolest guy? That's not true. It's like, ask any one of them. And it's just like, 1998, who's the coolest person? And it was Henry Zebrowski. When I was in seventh grade, my librarian reported me to the principal because all the things I would check out were all about Dahmer, all about Gaines. I had the same thing happen to me.

I had a report written up about me. Are you serious? Yeah. It was so bizarre. I had to go see an anger counselor because they thought that I was a madman. And then they taught me use of... I guess that runs in the family. Yes. Did you see an anger counselor? Constantly.

Yeah. But did they teach you explosive consonants? Of course they did. That's the number one thing they teach you Explosive consonants? Of course they did That's the number one thing they teach you And he's like Scatabat These noises you're supposed to make In order to calm you

Is it not good for your head? It's not good for anybody's head Those are terrible Terrible sounds It sounds like he's trying to get you into some kind of trance. It only made me more upset. It was a low-level beatbox. I hope someone's not having a wake right now because their grandmother just awoke and is trying to kill the entire family.

So they're listening to this on speakers? It's just out there. In a funeral home? It's out there. And if I was there, I'd be freestyling over it. Yeah. Because that's what I do. And that's what it sounds like. what I do. You're black.

That's what it sounds like. Well, yeah. You are black. I'm not saying that. All right. Let's test it right now. You want me to freestyle right now? I want you to freestyle over Henry's anger beat.

I don't know if this is a good time for me to freestyle. You're wasting it. I think it's the perfect time. It's the perfect time. Bitch, you started saying I'm wasted. I'm not wasted right here. I could do this all night. I'm only getting calmer. Well, that sounded pretty good, but I'll tell you one thing.

McSquealy over here to my right, he has one of the greatest fucking rap songs of all time out right now, which I need to listen to to fucking blow up Barnett's spot, blow up fucking Zebra's spot. I'm pretty sure he didn't make it by himself. Jackie Zebrowski is also in on it. Okay. Did I not help with some of these lyrics? Yes, you did. Can I spit some fucking wisdom right now, man?

Are you about to rhyme right now? I got some wisdom right now. No, I just got some shit to say about this track. Also, one thing before you say it. Barnett, we're at 20. Jesus Christ. All right. Barnett is so going to fail this, by the way.

I didn't put a time limit on it. He looks like Alex Mack. He's literally turning into one here. I'm sober as a cat right now. All I'm saying is, these motherfucking beers are just hurting my stomach. But I ain't trying to be no pussyfooted bitch. I'm out here

drinking these beers, because I'm out here in these streets every day on every block. It is your family life. Alright, let's listen to fucking Squealy's rap song, please. Some wisdom. This is, you know, before we begin, I just want to say, like, yeah, there was some contribution.

Jackie Zebrowski, Henry Zebrowski helped out with some of the lyrics when we were just fucking around in the dungeon trying to come up with some shit. The beat dungeon. The beat fucking dungeon. Everything was coming together, and it's like you feel the soul, feel the spirit. Just check this out. This is the new track.

It's called I Wish I Was Black. She takes just like a woman. Yes, she does. She makes love just like a woman. Yes, she does, she makes love just like a woman Yes she does and she aches just like a woman But she breaks just like a little BITCH! Change your name girl Change it to pussyfart Change your name, girl

Change your name, girl Change your name, girl Change your name, girl Rape is your name Rape is your name Rape is your name Rape is your name Rape is your name Rape is your name Girl Rape is your name

The craziest thing happened to me this morning I woke up and my name was changed to Rape Rape is your name Rape is your name! Rape is your name! Rape is your name! Rape is your name! Rape is your motherfucking name, bitch. And the elementary school blew up.

Yeah, man. Because they handled the fucking lyrics to that shit. That's why, bro. What is the genre of that? Anger and hate. I'm pretty sure. It's ironic. It's rape rap, which I think has been copied before in the genre.

But yeah, that's unbelievable. There's some trance in there. There's some fucking, there's some heavy beats. And honestly, I feel like there needs to be more of that. Yeah. I laughed a lot, and more need to get raped so that we can write songs about it. The problem is that Holden and I cried the entire time we worked on that song. That's the thing.

This is a passionate piece here. This is not some shit that we were fucking like, oh, fun, good times. This was like a kick into our heads. It just sounds too real yeah as i was saying like do we trade tragedy for circumstance is the question at the end of the day no hold it tried to like lube up my belly button after this shit you know i'm gonna rape you i'm gonna rape you in your fucking yeah and then she was trying to fucking she was trying to like grow a dick i know rape me in that afterwards It was weird. She was trying to put some fertilizer on her shit. It was bizarre shit, man.

I definitely know that feeling. So what was the motivation? What was the overall, in your brain, Jackie and Holden, what was like you were in the studio. You obviously rented out a studio. It was like $5,000 an hour, and you fucking laid this track down. Let me lay this. This is a story piece. This is about

a young man growing up in the streets. This is actually very similar to Holden's last track. Living Life and the Projects. My last track I did. It's a concept album. It's like Quadrophenia.

It was called Yo-Yo East Side. No, it's called Living Life in the Projects. Oh, then would you like to do a little bit from Living Life in the Projects? Can we not? Is there any way to not do? Let's stop this from happening. Let's just hear a little bit of Living Life in the Projects just so everybody can sort of get the feeling of where you're coming from.

Acapella, motherfucker. Acapella. Yeah, acapella. Unfortunately, we don't have it right now. Yo, yo, yo, we saw it. Yo, yo, yo, we saw it. Vince says west side. Yo, yo, yo, we saw it.

Well, I'll tell you, that latest song is better. That latest song you've done that latest song is better. That latest song you've done is a little bit better. I don't even understand what just happened. My style has grown in certain ways, like with Jackie and Henry helping me out on the beats. We actually had a cameo from Ben's girlfriend, Mara. Mara Kane nailed it, absolutely.

One of the funniest parts in the song, she wakes up, my name is no rape. Yeah, which is very, very sad. Oh, that was her who said that? Yeah. She did a good job. That would be Kissel's girlfriend. Absolutely.

Kissel's having sex with her because they're in a relationship. I'm very, very proud of her. So, Ben, you were telling me earlier today that you had watched a little bit of porno.

I was watching M-Flix, which is the newest, hottest trend in all gaming. M-Flix? Wonderful. M-Flix, I haven't heard of it. EMP.

Cupcake, turn me on to it. EMP, F-L-I-X. And it's just, it's what, you have your ex-hamster, you have your you porn. It's a combination. Because ex-hamster can turn into like some basically gang beatdowns. I think there's gang rapes. Yeah, there's a lot of gang rapes. Yeah, it's a bit of gang rapes. It's a bit uncomfortable

when the woman literally breaks down during the middle of a five minute fucking jack off clip and starts crying and everyone's just like, this is great. It just doesn't sound fun to look at. I would never be able to... Have you gone on Xtube where it's all become rape porn?

Where the girl is crying and she's tied up and she doesn't want to get fucked. But, you know, she does want to get fucked. I mean, it's the whole thing. I mean, she's an actress.

Yes. She's an actress. She's an actress. Legitimate actress. But that is true. Jane Seymour started Nose before Medicine Woman. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She did all those gapers. Which you also fucked at the age of 12. Well, that was a blur. That was your heavy... Everybody heard Glenn Close. That was all a blur. That was your heavy no-dose phase. That was when you were doing a lot of that. Well, that's certainly how the medicine woman learned how to stitch.

Because that anus of hers would just really get blown out. But no, I will say... Well, it's frontier porn. Yeah, what is lube? Cow shit? Or like a cow tongue? Just dirt. Just dirt. I mean, it's absolutely disgusting.

Cow, horse sweat. Yeah, horse, exactly. And they don't sweat, so it has to come from their tongue, which is kind of disgusting. Have you guys heard about this movie that Lindsay Lohan's starring in about Linda Lovelace? Apparently she's absolutely terrible. I would like to,

I was just going to say, like, porno online does, it has gotten really rapey. And if Lindsay Lohan really wanted to get her career back, she should just get gang banged so aggressively by, like, eight black dudes and, like, three white dudes. And, like, one big. You say this is a satirist. All right. I would say, I would say, first and foremost, that Lindsay Lohan is probably a fine-ass ginger. As the only ginger I see, I'm like, God, Nevis has got some ass.

And I was like, all right, I could be down. But come on, man. A little bit. I mean, a little bit of ass. But nonetheless, I think that it would be a fun thing. It would be very similar to when Paris Hilton got killed in House of Wax. Everyone just kind of cheered. I didn't see that movie.

It's a terrible film. Don't watch it. Let me read you. The script watch it. Let me read you. The script was leaked. Let me read you just a couple of lines from the script. This is Lindsay Lohan. What's the name of the film going to be? No.

Oh, it's called Inferno. Gag me with a cunt. Yeah. It's called Inferno. And this is Lindsay Lohan. Butt doctors. As Linda Lovelace. How are we going to save this butt?

I think we're going to have to have sex with it, doctor. And then we'll amputate. But Linda Lovelace, star of Deep Throat, here is some of the lines that Lindsay Lohan will be saying. To me, there is nothing more delicious than jism. I love it. I like to smear it all over my face like Pond's cold cream. See, I actually kind of think that's a poetic line.

I mean, yeah, it's very T.S. Elliott. If he were to write a Jism House 7 movie. Yes, absolutely. I just feel like it's more appropriate to have it all over her stomach and her thighs, though. If you're going to put cold cream anywhere, it makes it tingle when you

put it on your stomach and your thighs. I'm your brother. I'm your brother. I know that rules are different when I'm not here. There are things that happen between family that need to be private. Jackie, your rebuttal.

Just so everyone knows, whenever Jackie was saying that, she was looking directly at Henry and not breaking eye contact whatsoever. That was a little strange. I will say, it's too real. This would have been a good career move if she would have

been a legitimate actress. I think if Miley Cyrus or if Amanda Bynes, the chick who just retired, if she would have made this movie, I would be like, wow. Or Jane Seymour. Jane Seymour. They would be like, wow, she's really experimenting. She's going out on the ledge. You know, very similar to when Courtney

Love was the love affair in that thing with Larry Flint. It's like, wow, this is big. And now with Lindsay Lohan, everyone thinks she's already a slut who gargles gallons and gallons of cum every night yeah like why do you have to play one in a movie you already live in that life don't you want to just be don't you want to be a horse doctor in a movie don't you want to be like you know helen keller in a movie i mean you could also flip it

around and just do helen keller sucking a whole bunch of dick. So, like, learning how to read on a penis. They all have burpees. Helen Keller just decides what STDs people have by feeling the bumps. She's like, she's an amazing doctor. Have you guys ever seen deaf girls in porn? Oh, Lord. It is amazing because they have no idea what they sound like at all. And whenever they get fucked, they're just like.

That doesn't sound amazing. It's very wrong. I don't think I've seen a porno that didn't have a deaf girl then, because that's what they all sound. When a dick is so deep in your throat, it's a goddamn gurgle they come up with. It's just gagging. Exactly.

Well, I look up that housewife porn, it's just like, oh, you're doing really good. Thank you. You're doing really nice. I like that. This is good. I like to have housewife porn. It's just like, oh, you're doing really good. Thank you. You're doing really nice. I like that. This is good. I like to have sex with you. So basically, you just want to fuck your mother. You just want to fuck your mother, you sick fuck.

I want mommy. Mommy who? I want a version of my mommy, kind of. It's like she could take care of me and give me milk. Is that what you want? What would you say to the girl that you're going to have sex with with this fantasy? You want this girl to be

your mommy. Yeah, mommy. Give me mommy juice. Give me your juice juice. Baby wants to be daddy, mommy. Baby wants to be daddy. I'm all swoley on the downstairs and I want you to make it better. I got big, big down better. I got Big Big down there.

I got Boo Boo there. You need to kiss Boo Boo. I just want to say thank you, everybody, who didn't just shut the podcast down. If you listen through that, you're going to love this whole series. It's the single most repulsive sound. I love a bitch like a motherfucking bitch. Kevin, we just hit 30 minutes. 30 minutes?

Kevin, we got 15 minutes. What? I'm almost done. He had a whole hit 30 minutes. 30 minutes. Kevin, we got 15 minutes. I'm almost done. He had a whole bowl of soup before drinking. He says the problem is he's just not. I never said a time. I'm sober as a cat right now, as I may have said before. Yeah.

By the way, first of all, cats have the brains the size of walnuts. They are retarded creatures who think ledges are a fine place to hang out. You see the cat fucking figuring out a ledge when he's walking on a window sill. He's figuring that shit out. Oh, I'm going to walk the shit out of this ledge. Sober as a cat. Please believe. Please believe.

If I jump off this ledge, I'm going to land on my feet. And that's exactly where I'm at right now. That's what I was saying earlier with the gargoyle thing. You're coming out here fucking hating on me. Hating on me. Sober as a cat. And you're just like, oh, on me. Hating on me. Sober as a cat. And he was like, oh, no. Let us hate on Kevin.

Well, I'll tell you one thing. You're being a super fucking pussy not drinking those beers fast enough. You are very, very weak. How long? Five beers in what? An hour and 20 minutes? Kevin, I drink 11 40s by myself after drinking all night in three hours. 11 40s.

I think you'd be a little bit ridiculous right now. That's a real story, actually. You came, Olden woke up in the morning. Both Kep and I have shared, Kep is the other roommate of the house and we both woke up. Olden and Ben lived together. Devastated by

what we saw, which was a table filled, it wasn't 11. It was 11. It was 11 40s, but before that it probably had 15 that's like what jack palance had to drink to go to sleep an hour and a half though and that's what he's alone with soup what about the time soup was a mistake up in the morning and fucking kissel was drinking vodka and strawberry syrup out of a soup bowl at 6 in the morning.

Listen, motherfuckers, I don't give a fuck about that pussy ass shit. I'm playing Marvel vs. Capcom 2 all day. And then I'm drinking these fucking stupid ass pussy ass beers like it's nothing. You know what I'm saying? I challenge any motherfucker who could think they could try to holler at ArchDest Squad on Marvel vs. Capcom 2 I'll fucking shit all up.

And there's another segment of Kevin Burnett drops knowledge on you. Knowledge has been dropped and that's what I do. Thug life. I don't live it but I wanted to say it.

So much about video games. That's amazing. I feel like soon politicians can run on that platform. I know Marvel vs. Capcom I beat them all. I much about video games. That's amazing. I feel like soon politicians can run on that platform. I know Marvel vs. Capcom. I beat them all. I beat Tekken 3. You must make me the governor of

everybody. I'm the governor of everybody. I play a whole bunch of video games. I'm voting Nerd Party. This is fantastic. I've been voting Nerd Party for 10 years. But, Kevin, you've also been in a car selling hot weapons.

Oh, shit, man. We could talk about this right now. Yeah, Kevin, is this actually the only real cred that you have? You sold guns out of a car? Or were they just actually really hot toy guns? I was involved in selling some guns. What happened? You were in the car.

All right. What kind of guns? it was my friend here this story my friend and he was a po a bunch of other friends are supposed to go with his bar call AJ's in Tallahassee yeah we know ages yeah you guys know a sports bar insulin and a cupcake don't but we were supposed to go to this bar and um no wanted to go So our friend, my friend I'll just call him Jay for right now Because his name is Jay Maybe his name is Jay So he picked me up

And it was the first time he had a car He had a car for like a month And I would never ride in a car with him again Because he picked me up He showed up three blocks down the street What kind of car was it? Dude, I don't even fucking remember I don't know anything about cars.

I'm a girl. Four wheels. Two wheels. It was blue. Four wheels. It was blue, actually. You said it. It was blue.

That is the extent of my car knowledge. I was like, what kind of car do you got? I want a red one. I don't know shit about cars, except there was a broken down ass car. I want a red car. He picked me up. He was like, all right. And so he showed up two blocks away from my house.

I had to walk down to it for whatever reason. We started driving. I was like, all right, yeah, man. Can't blocks away from my house. I had to walk down to it for whatever reason. We started driving. I was like, all right, yeah, man, can't wait. It's going to be great. What did you think was going to be so great about it? Because you know you're going in there to sell illegal guns to poor, poor people. Well, because it was me and him, and he was a smooth motherfucker. I was like, whack.

I was like, all right, you smooth. A black guy, white guy, Mexican guy? He was black. OK. I was like, you a smooth motherfucker. You say smooth, but you mean criminal. You mean black. You were just a normal citizen.

Oh, I was very aware that this dude was out of his mind. I forgot what name I said originally. J, J. I said J. So he was like, all right, so we're riding for like three minutes. And he pulls this number on me. He was like, hey, man, I just want to let you know we're riding dirty right now. It was like, will we ever get a vacuum in here and get all the crumbs out of the sheets?

Yeah, I didn't understand. I was like, oh, wait a minute. Like, what? What? I went to Dunkin' Donuts before we were going to sell all these illegal guns. I got Krispy Kreme all over the car. For some reason, they were selling Krispy Kreme at Dunkin' Donuts. Yes.

And he was just like, I was just like, dude, how dirty are we riding right now? And he was like, I'm talking federal offense dirty. What the fuck? We were already in the car for like three minutes. And I had no choice but to be riding with him. And Kevin, by the way, you're 6'4", I'm 6'7". If we go to prison, we cannot fit in those cells. We would look like Michael Myers in Halloween.

But they leave you alone. As long as you're talking to yourself. Just going like, I'm the devil's cock. I already decided, the first time I go to prison, whenever they do that first cavity surgery, you have to go down to your knees

and they check your asshole, I'm just going to start beating my dick off. Really, really hard. Change the rules right then. Oh, this is exactly why I came here. Yeah, yeah. This is better than the Nevada prison I was at earlier. This is why I fucking killed that prostitute.

They wouldn't even look at my butt. They start beating on you. You start beating it off harder, too. They start hitting you. You just go crazier. Just cumming on all their batons and shit. Oh, it would be fantastic. Would you really, like, cum if you were getting the shit beat out of you?

I think if you go into a mental spot of absolute insanity, you can cum at anything. That's really good to know. That's really good to know as I creep at those fucking men. Every guy you've ever came to, I guarantee you they were in a dark spot when they jizzed on your fucking chin. I am a brother! Not today!

I already said that they jizz all over my stomach and my stomach. It's enough! Henry, you're on the round table of gentlemen. You're the only gentleman here. You're just a gentleman. You are not a brother. You are not related. You're a gentleman right now.

At the same time, Jesus Christ. I hope he's around. I hope he's here. It's a funny thing. Every boyfriend Jackie's ever had, the nickname for her was Toilet, which was kind of fascinating. Yeah, because they shit all over my body. Oh, my God.

Everyone likes a poo monster. So, Kevin, you're rolling down the... I just want you to find a nice boy. I just want you to find someone to be with, someone that you could, you know, like, go canoeing with, someone to be out there, you know, like, go to museums with? I don't go outside. Well, someone you're in the house with talking about fucking and jizzing

all over my stomach. This is enough. Awkward! I made it awkward! I'm dying. No, no, no. Jackie's anus is an old-timey spittoon. That's fine. Let's just talk. So, Kevin, so you're in the car with this fellow.

He tells you you're rolling dirty. Felony charges are about our foot, but two black guys driving around in the middle of South Florida. This is a safe situation. This is in South Florida. This is in Tallahassee. We were in school. We were in school at the time, mind you. You were trying to learn.

Yeah, we were trying to learn shit. I was like a basically a three-man. You had a bumper sticker that said higher education with a huge joint on it. Yeah, my man, he was a jazz major and a science minor. What's he doing with God weapons? Exactly.

His car was filled with cocaine. I just have a feeling jazz major pretty big steps down with science minor. They're not neck and neck. I imagine it's like you took two science classes. By the way, his roommates were all – we were at FSU. His roommates were grad students at FAMU.

Lady Gaga and Madonna. Legendary historic black college. His roommates were grad students at FAMU. One of them was a crip and the other one was some other shit. But the one who was a crip, he was a biochemistry major in grad school. In grad school. How do you set a few cells and kill niggas in the same night? I don't understand it.

Did he identify himself as a crip? Did he like throw down gang signs? And that's how Mac got made. It's crystal meth and crack. Because people who went to an all black school Did you need to combine them? Did they need to be combined? Absolutely.

It's the newest hottest drug. Actually, Mac sounds fantastic. I would love to to be combined? Absolutely. It's the newest, hottest drug. Actually, Mac sounds fantastic. I would love to do Meth and Crack combined. It would be a really, really nice little change. Well, you've done Crack before. I've done Crack in Minneapolis. I was told it was ecstasy. It wasn't ecstasy.

It was absolutely Crack. How did you mistake Crack for ecstasy? Well, this is actually a story I've heard a few times and I fucking love hearing it every single time. The man had it in his mouth. Let's start there. We're down there with my friend Dave. We're in Minneapolis,

Minnesota. I said, we want some ecstasy. We find this black dude on the street. He said, ecstasy. I got it. He was like, alright, we'll buy it. Dave went to an ATM, punched his code and the dude's behind us. He finds Dave's number, his ATM code. We're like, all right, we'll buy it. Dave went to an ATM, punched his code in the dude's behind as he finds Dave's number, you know, his ATM code. And we're like, all right, let's just move on. So we're walking down the street. He gets the, he gets the, uh, what is now crack out of a dude's, uh, you know, mouth, puts it in his mouth. He said, yeah, in Minneapolis, he's like in Minneapolis, Minneapolis, Minnesota,

we call, uh, we call it crack ecstasy. And everyone's like, well, in Minneapolis. He's like, in Minneapolis. Minneapolis. In Minneapolis, Minnesota, we call crack ecstasy. And everyone's like, well, no, that's a lie. That's not true. And so we ended up getting it. He gives it to me out of his mouth. I put it immediately in my mouth because I figured that's where you put it. And then we walked in. Was it in a baggie?

It was, yeah. But the baggie was in his mouth. No, I'm not saying it's cleaner. I'm just asking. Right. It's like grabbing a piece of chicken that's like, I was totally- I've been sucking on this chicken. You want some of this piece of chicken?

Yeah, he'd be like, I bought this chicken. It was like totally sanitary and safe. It was wrapped in chicken. I licked it for some time. So anyway, we're walking down the street. The guy's like, I want to make sure you guys aren't cops. After the entire event, he says, let me see your wallets. I show him my Wisconsin ID.

That was fine enough for him. My friend Dave gives him his wallet. So the dude sneaks out his debit card, obviously, and takes all the $99 that my friend Dave had. And we just drove back to Stevens Point, Wisconsin, which has the best drinking water in the world. And it just beat out New York City. Yep, absolutely. Just beat it out. And we smoked crack that entire time,

which is a fantastic story. We stopped over at a gas station. We didn't have any money for gas, and they threatened to call the cops. I had to call my mother, get a credit card number over the phone. It just goes less cool from there. Oh, it's an insanely not a cool story.

When was it cool? I mean, you smell straight. Less street from there. Less the bottom. Not nearly as cool. But, Kevin, we need to wrap it up here. So you're rolling down with this dude, dirty car, felonies about. What happens?

Oh, Jesus. Where were we at? You were just driving down with him, and he was like, I got a lot of heat here. It's a blue car. It's dirty. His car was filled with cocaine. I don't know what's a good amount of cocaine because I don't do it. Seven bricks.

I'm innocent as a fucking duck. And so we were rolling this car full of seven cocaines, as you say. We're in this car full of cocaine. The car is just made of cocaine like cheech and chong with their van made of weed we're supposed to go to aj's you had to get there by 11 to get like free drinks or whatever it was and so it was like and why are why are coke heads always late you would think they would think they'd be early because they're eager because they don't look at the time anyway so you're rolling down yeah and he was like was like, all right, nigga, I got to make a stop.

And I was like, all right, man, well, fine. Okay, that's cool with me. Like Burger King? Like, I love Burger King. I thought it was something like that. But we stopped at this dude's house to sell him a gun that was hot. Me and the gun had been fired before. Me and the gun had been used To kill somebody

Somebody murdered somebody with that gun Yeah so we sold this dude Or they just put him in the microwave for 35 seconds We sold this dude a gun This is a physically hot gun We sold this dude a fucking gun And I'm standing there like I grew up in the suburbs man

What the fuck is this And like we sold this dude a gun And he was like He's handing Jay the money. And I was just like. It's like basketball diaries. All of a sudden you're giving Leonardo DiCaprio a blowjob in a bathroom stall. Yeah, this is cool.

This is something that happens all the time. I'm fine with this. Black guys get suckered into selling fucking bootleg guns that murdered somebody. And white dudes get suckered into hunting deer. Or picking shrooms. Right. The white man's pavilion. guns that murdered somebody and white dudes get suckered into hunting deer i wouldn't be here or picking shrooms right oh yeah wait the white man's pavilion so you're so you're selling the gun sells the gun i think it was like 150 or something like that expensive like he's like all right let's roll we're going to aj's and then some dude calls him he's like and it was he was like no no no man

no all right yeah no no i'll be over there i'll be over there and We pull up to this random shady ass apartment complex and this dude walks out and he comes. I was sitting in the back of the car. I was never sitting in the passenger seat. Aren't you a little Miss Daisy? A little white supremacist over here.

I was sitting in the passenger seat of the car. This dude gets into the car. Doesn't say a word to me. He goes to Brandonon hey what's up nigga what's up he sees me it was offensive and he took offense to the turtle brandon was appalled by it turns out it's a clansman who got into the car come on man we're supposed to do this drug deal you call me that but the dude sits in the car looks back at me Sees me But doesn't acknowledge me He's just like

What's up Brandon hands him Like a stack of cash And the guy's counting it It was at least Like a thousand dollars The guy's like Flipping through all these

Hundreds All ones Yeah No hundreds They were all hundreds This is gonna take Three hours So yeah

I assume the fella Wasn't that intelligent So he counted it About eighty times One A two A three A four How many licks Does it take To get to the bottom I assume the fellow wasn't that intelligent, so he counted it about 80 times. One, a two, a three, a four. How many licks does it take to get to the bottom of a drug sale?

Where's my seven cocaines? Listen, I may have thrown out a name during that, but I say Jay, and also I'll say Meredith, and also I will say Lucas, because there's a name thrown out that I don't want out there. And so they count through these names. Best to point that out. Okay, so the gun sale has been made. The gun sale has been made, but it's like all this money, like more money than I've ever seen in my life.

$1,000. And the guy's like, all right, cool, nigga, cool, nigga, cool, cool. And he fucking just leaves. He's still at this point when he leaves. He just counted the money. He just counted the money. Did not acknowledge me. Yeah, he just counted the money and fucking leaves. Without the gun?

Yeah. And then Jay is like, all right, nigga, we cool. Let's roll the AJs. I was like, all right, fine. We get to AJs. We're there no more than like 20 minutes. And then he kind of like, I'm like talking to some like huge bitch. There's a fine ass huge bitch.

F-A-H-B. Okay, by the way, when he says fine ass huge bitch, he means morbidly obese drunk woman that's blowing in the bathroom. Which is a fine bitch, by the way. Yeah, we were speaking. She had no teeth. All gums. She was very funny.

You should have just seen that sewed up left eye she had. Words were exchanged. And then he comes up to me and is like, Nigga, I got to go. I got to go, nigga. I got to go. I got to go, nigga. I got to go.

I got to go right now. Nigga, I got to go. I got to go. I was like, what the fuck? How am I going to get home? He was like, nigga, I got to go. He leaves. Luckily, one of my friends I found later on in the night

who just happened to be there. He gave me a ride to the house. But what he did was him and his friend, what Jay and his friend friend did i don't know who the friend was they broke into some fucking car and like stole a radio out of the car radios are huge but this is an emergency this is just like i've got to do this right now he left me stranded at this point so that him is like a steal a To be fair, it had a tape deck. It had a tape deck, which is huge.

I don't think I've ever heard a story that had more crimes in it. Okay, so they steal the radio. I mean, that was it. I was stuck there by myself. I just found that out after the fight. I found out the next day. So basically, your story was that you got picked up by a dude who was selling a gun, sold it for $1,000.

A good friend of mine. One of my best friends. But the dude didn't take the gun. He took the gun for $1,000, right? Oh, yeah. He was all about the gun. Okay, so he's got the gun, and then you were ditched at a bar, and you fucked a fat chick in the bathroom.

I didn't fuck her. That was the thing. I was so whack that I couldn't. A friend of mine was able to give me a ride home. This is the wackest period of my life. Thank God. I just want to say now we're going to close it out here. Kevin Barnett has two cores on the table.

He did not finish. He failed. I never put a time limit on this. You had a bunch of broth before this. I will defend it because he's got it's layered with broth. But you know what? That was your decision. I asked you. I will defend it because he's got it's layered with broth. But you know what? That was your decision. I asked you. I was like, hey, you want

some chicken soup? And you're like, fuck yeah, I want some chicken soup. And you know what, Cupcake? I don't own a time machine. I don't. Alright, we're gonna close it out. ZBrown, what was the most important thing you learned tonight? I learned that loving and sharing and what friendships

do for each other are the bricks and mortar of the buildings of human civilization. That's awful! That's me sucking the dick. Anyone else? What else? I wanted to say, as we close out, as Ben, as you close it out, Henry, you were at the height of your prime at 13. Thank you. I'd like you to list the celebrities that you had as Ben closes

it out lowly over his speaking. Gina Davis. Ladies and gentlemen. Kathy Bates, the younger sister. So much for listening to Roundtable of Gentlemen. Helen Mirren's cousin. We've had Jackie Zabrowski. Kevin Barnett. Jane Seymour three times. Roundtable of Gentlemen. Helen Mirren's cousin. We've had Jackie Zabrowski.

Kevin Barnett. Jane Seymour three times. Holden McNeely. And as always, Cupcake. Giada Lawrence's father. I'm Ben Kissel. Which is very weird. And we'll see you next week. Popeye's girlfriend, olive oil.

We have to end it? Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.